Mr. Krabs:[scene starts at Krusty Krab][to Nat] And how is everything for you today, sir?
Nat: Oh, it's great! Just great!
Mr. Krabs: Fine, fine.
Nat: I just love this Krabby Patty!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, okay, always nice to hear. [starts walking away]
Nat: My Krabby Patty is a Krabby Patty and both buns are also Krabby Patties! [Krabs suddenly stops walking, eyes widen] So luxurious!
Mr. Krabs:[runs back, takes the patty from Nat, and looks at it as his pupil turn into dollar signs] You must've paid five times the price of a regular patty for that!
Nat: No extra. It's the same low price as a regular Krabby Patty.
Mr. Krabs:[pupil dollar signs rip] Argh! [faints. Squidward sprinkles salt on him and he screams] Me eyes! What are you doing, Mr. Squidward?! [Squidward sprinkles more salt on him and he screams again]
Squidward: I couldn't find a smelling salt, so I just used table salt.
Fred: Hey, my Krabby Patty is just a bun! And the two buns... are also buns. Stale buns.
Tom:[teary-eyed] My patty tastes like sadness.
Mr. Krabs: All right, that's enough. Patties with emotional flavors... [gets up, grunting] ...it's two bits extra. Now pay at the register. What in Davy Jones' locker is going on in here, Mr. Squidward?!
Squidward: What do you think? SpongeBob's in one of his moods. He failed his boating exam...again.
Mr. Krabs: Well, we can't have that. He's me best employee. Well, no offence.
Squidward: None taken.
Mr. Krabs: Melancholy and self-doubt are bad for business. Make a note of it. [walks to the kitchen]
Squidward: Let me grab a pencil. [to himself] Ha, it's funny, cause I mean the opposite. Ha.
[there are patties, covered in condiments, smushed in the window. SpongeBob is sobbing, lying on the floor]
Mr. Krabs:[enters] Avast there, lad! [steps on SpongeBob's foot, causing him to stand up] You're wasting your valuable tears, salting me patties with grief.
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs. [sniffles] Oh, I can't even cry right! [sobs]
Mr. Krabs: There, there. Failing your driver's test is nothing to cry over.
SpongeBob: Oh, I've been in driving school as long as I can remember, and I still don't have my license!
Mr. Krabs: How much do they charge you at this driving school of yours?
SpongeBob:[stops crying] Oh, about $100 a semester.
Mr. Krabs: $100 a semester?! [pupils again turn into dollar signs] Well, I can do it for double the price and half the time!
Mr. Krabs: Sure, I taught me own daughter Pearl how to drive like a little angel.
[Pearl drives through the kitchen, moving the grill and the vat of grease from its spot, all while putting on makeup]
Pearl: Hi, Daddy! I need money for shoes.
Mr. Krabs: Sure, anything for me little angel Pearl. [gives Pearl money from his wallet]
Pearl: Thanks, Daddy! [drives out of the kitchen, leaving a hole in the other wall]
[bubble transition to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs in a driving boat]
SpongeBob: Uh, are you sure about this, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs:[laughs] Why, I couldn't be sure, lad. You don't need a... [air quotes] "professional" to teach you how to drive.
SpongeBob: You know, Mr. Krabs, at boating school, Mrs. Puff...
Mr. Krabs: Wipe that boating school malarkey out of your mind, son! It's all a racket.
SpongeBob:[gasps in shock] It is?
Mr. Krabs:[points to SpongeBob] And that goes for every kind of schooling. Why, there ain't nothing truly important, you can't learn on the streets with half a jigger of common sense and your own two claws. Now, put 'er in gear!
SpongeBob:[gives a thumbs-up] Okay! [starts the boat, but then accidentally reverses it, destroying the Krusty Krab sign]
Mr. Krabs:[nervously chuckles] Well, rookie mistake, boy. It happens all the time.
SpongeBob: It does?
Mr. Krabs: No, but you got the right fire in your belly.
SpongeBob: I do?
Mr. Krabs:[chuckles] Yeah. Well, you know, what we need is a change of venue.
[bubble transition to the Mr. Krabs driving the boat in an empty parking lot]
Mr. Krabs: This empty parking lot is just the ticket. [parks the boat] Like every young person, the novice boater needs plenty of open, obstacle-free space and the freedom to make mistakes. [switches places with SpongeBob, making him the driver and Mr. Krabs the passenger]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you're so wise.
Mr. Krabs:[chuckles before putting his seatbelt on] Can't disagree with you there. All right, put 'er in gear! [SpongeBob again quickly reverses the boat, destroying the Krusty Krab entrance] Hmm.
SpongeBob: Rookie mistake, right?
Mr. Krabs: I suppose so. Now slowly inch forward and we'll check out the damage.
SpongeBob: Inch, inch. Inch, inch, inch. Inch, inch. [does so, but doesn't notice an anchor in the back, destroying the whole front of the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs:[checks his mirrors] Oh, broken wall. That's about $15,000. Oh, kitchen fire. Oh, that'll be about 6 grand. [sees Squidward hitting a customer, Harold, with a spatula] Ooh, lawsuit? Oh, that's a lot of zeroes! Ugh. [his eyes deflate, but they quickly return back to normal][thinking in his head]All right, Krabs. Get a hold of yourself. You've been in worse fixes than this. Why, you've stared down the cannon's mouth, haven't ya? Look at that face.[sees SpongeBob's smile] Bleah! Is this the face of your final defeat? Is it, Krabs?[sees SpongeBob's smile more creepy, while also heavily breathing]
[bubble transition to the boat parked on SpongeBob's house driveway]
Mr. Krabs: Now, here's a place you should be comfortable with.
SpongeBob: Oh, I'll say.
Mr. Krabs: Just take a look around, boy-o: home sweet home. Nothing to make you twitchy and jumpy. Oh, just the opposite, in fact. A place so soothing and sweet, like a mother's gentle lullaby on a soft summer's night. [sees SpongeBob asleep with covers and Beary the teddy bear before waking him up with the horn] Oh, brother. Let's start with something simple: a little trip down the street to Patrick's house. [starts buckling his seatbelt, until...]
SpongeBob: Patrick's house! [crashes into Patrick's house, flipping Mr. Krabs off the boat and makes a crash landing into the Krusty Krab]
Harv:[steps over Mr. Krabs] I'll have one Krabby Patty, please.
Mr. Krabs:[to Squidward] Upsell!
Squidward:[sighs] [to Harv] Would you like fries with that?
Harv: Yeah, sounds good.
Mr. Krabs:[to Squidward] Better.
[bubble transition to the boat parked on SpongeBob's driveway]
Mr. Krabs: Okay, that was just fine, but next time, wait until I say, "Put 'er into gear." [opens the passenger door, but after he said "put 'er into gear," SpongeBob drives the car away from Mr. Krabs, causing the passenger door to come off the boat. SpongeBob then crashes into the Krusty Krab again. The boat is on top of a destroyed table]
Squidward: You missed one. [the engine of the boat falls off it and destroys a before unbroken table]
[bubble transition to the boat parked on SpongeBob's driveway]
Mr. Krabs:[sighs] A simple trip to Patrick's house: a line so straight and true.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, let's just leave the boat here and walk.
Mr. Krabs: Well, we, you know, we could do that. But you can't learn to drive without a boat. [gets an idea] Or can ye?
[bubble transition to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob at the arcade]
Mr. Krabs: You'll certainly learn the way of the boat with this here top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art technological simulator.
[shot shows SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs standing in front of a driving arcade game]
Mr. Krabs: Now hand me one of them tokens. [SpongeBob takes out a token. Mr. Krabs inserts it in the coin slot. The game turns on. SpongeBob sits in the seat] You'll need your protective headgear. [Mr. Krabs puts a helmet with goggles on SpongeBob]
Computer on Screen: Ready? Drive!
[the screen shows pixelated SpongeBob driving a boat to the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: I'm doing it, Mr. Krabs! I'm driving the boat! [the screen shows The Krusty Krab spproaching SpongeBob] Uh-oh. [brakes and a crash are heard. SpongeBob puts up his googles and sees that the arcade game has crashed into the top of the real-life Krusty Krab]
Computer on Screen: Sixth place! [the arcade game falls in the Krusty Krab]
[bubble transition to the boat parked on the road again. A worker goes down a ladder while fixing the broken Krusty Krab, when SpongeBob drives into the Krusty Krab sign, breaking it. The worker climbs back up the ladder. Bubble transition to SpongeBob driving the boat yet again]
SpongeBob: Hey, look, Mr. Krabs. I'm driving!
Mr. Krabs: Great job, boy. [gasps as the boat goes up a ramp and crashes into the Krusty Krab sign, which flips the boat into the Krusty Krab, destroying it yet again]
[bubble transition to the boat now going through a pipe on the roof of the Krusty Krab, then smashing its doors, while the worker hammers the roof]
Worker: Phew. [the boat crashes on the worker]
[bubble transition to the boat breaking a "One Way" sign as Mr. Krabs gasps, then screams with SpongeBob as SpongeBob drives the wrong way on the road, avoiding other boats and a gasoline truck. The boat then goes out of control for a few seconds before stopping on the road again]
SpongeBob: Well, at least I didn't hit the Krusty Krab that time. [chuckles nervously. The scene cuts to the other boats that were avoiding Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob crashing into the Krusty Krab, including the gasoline truck exploding the Krusty Krab with Squidward left standing]
[bubble transition to the worker giving Mr. Krabs a bill until SpongeBob crashes into the Krusty Krab once more and the worker then increases the bill]
Mr. Krabs: Saw that coming.
[bubble transition to a sad SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs. The fire in my belly has gone... [imitates explosion]]
Mr. Krabs: No, no. It's my fault. We've been going about this all wrong, boy. It's not a pampering you'd be needing. It's a bold and reckless display of confidence!
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
Mr. Krabs: You think when I was your age, I tip-toed around like a tadpole on a petunia?
SpongeBob: You never!
Mr. Krabs: That's right. My style was to dive in with both feet, claws snapping. [snaps his claws]
SpongeBob:[while snapping his fingers] Snapping!
[bubble transition to a busy highway with many signs around]
SpongeBob: Oh, my gosh.
Mr. Krabs: Thar she blows. The dreaded double roundabout, the most treacherous stretch of road in all of Bikini Bottom. To your starboard, you yield. To your port, they yield to you. And when you're in the middle, it's every man for himself and the devil take the rest!
SpongeBob:[shocked] Man, I don't think I'm ready for this, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs:[hugs SpongeBob] Nonsense, boy-o. All it takes is some confidence and a little coordination. Why, your little pet snail could do it. [puts Gary on the steering wheel]
SpongeBob: Uh, I thought you were just using Gary as a colorful example, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, he's colorful, all right. But he's also going to teach you how to drive. Now, go! [Gary drives on the roundabout successfully, watching a lot of signs, while SpongeBob covers his eyes] Atta boy! [after a few seconds, Gary pulls over] There you go, SpongeBob. Did you see how Gary did that?
SpongeBob:[opens his eyes] Uh, yeah, some of it.
Mr. Krabs: Buck up, me boy-o. [points to SpongeBob] It's your turn next.
SpongeBob:[happily] My turn? Gee, Mr. Krabs, you must really believe in me.
Mr. Krabs:[while he and SpongeBob get out of the boat] Not really.
[a police motorcycle stops by the boat]
Police officer: Sir, is this your vehicle?
Mr. Krabs: Why, yes. Yes, officer, it is.
Police officer: And did I just see you let a snail negotiate this vehicle through a dangerous intersection?
Mr. Krabs:[chuckles] You sure did...uh, I mean, you didn't...I mean, well, no...I mean, well, yes...I mean, uh, look, it was just a friendly, little example: a colorful example. [pats SpongeBob] I was teaching the lad to drive.
Police officer: By putting a snail behind the wheel.
Mr. Krabs: Well, I mean, really, he has more on top of the wheel.
SpongeBob: Officer, I don't have the boating handbook with me, but...
Mr. Krabs:[interrupts SpongeBob] Quiet, boy! Let me handle this.
Police officer: Are you a licensed driving instructor, sir?
Mr. Krabs:[chuckles] Well, no. But I taught me own little girl to drive, you see, and you understand. Do you have any kiddies of your own at home, officer?
Police officer:[while writing on a piece of paper] No, I'm married to my job.
Mr. Krabs: Oh. Well, um...you two seem very happy together.
Police officer: Well, we've had our ups and downs, but after some couples counseling, we think we've worked out our issues. [continues writing on the paper]
Mr. Krabs:[looks at a smiling SpongeBob] This ticket's coming out of your paycheck, boy.
SpongeBob:[happily] Whoa! My first real traffic ticket.
Police officer:[to Mr. Krabs] Oh, this is going to require something more than money, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Ha! What could be worse than spending money? [looks at the written paper, then gasps]
[scene cuts to Mrs. Puff's Boating School]
Mrs. Puff: All right, class. Please say hello to our newest classmate...Mr. Krabs!
Class [except SpongeBob]: Hello, Mr. Krabs.
SpongeBob:[whispers to Mr. Krabs] Don't worry, Mr. K. I'll show you the ropes.