This is the transcript for "Full House: The Play's the Thing".


(Stephanie and Michelle come home from school.)

Michelle: What a day.

Jesse: Fried bologna in the lunchroom again?

Michelle: I wish.

Danny: Oh, sweetheart, I'll tell you what: Why don't I take you down to Johnson's Hardware and you can tell your dad all your problems while you're riding on Quacky, the mechanical duck?

Michelle: Quacky? Dad, I'm in first grade. I'd look silly on a mechanical duck.

Stephanie: Dad, she's bummed 'cause they're gonna cancel the first-grade play. And I was gonna be the choreographer!

Danny: Oh, that's a shame.

Stephanie: Our only hope is to find a parent-volunteer to direct it.

(And Jesse and Joey slump down in their chairs as a sign that neither wants to do it.)

Danny: Guys, don't worry. I'm a parent. I volunteer.

(D.J. and Steve come in the back door.)

D.J.: Hi.

Steve: Hey.

Michelle: Guess what? I'm gonna be in America the Beautiful. You wanna come?

D.J.: We'd love to.

Steve: We would?<

D.J.: Of course we would. It's the sweetest, cutest, most adorable little play. You know, I was Yankee Doodle when I was in the 1st grade.

Stephanie: So was I.

Michelle: Both of you? I gotta be Yankee Doodle.

Stephanie: OK, but you're gonna have to work for it. Ready for that, Michelle?<

Michelle: (She's solemnly.) I guess so.

Stephanie: (She's like a drill sergeant.) I can't hear you!

Michelle: (She's like a private.) I guess so!

Stephanie: Good. OK, let's march! (As they march upstairs to rehearse.) March! March! (Then, she turns back.) I think I'm gonna like this job. (She's turning back to her "recruit".) Now, move!

(Becky comes home from grocery shopping.)

Becky: Nicky! Alex! Mommy's home. I've got a surprise for you! (A couple of miniature trains, which she has ready for them until she heads out into the living room with a real surprise in front of her: her kids on a scale-model of the real thing.)

Danny: Choo choo! All aboard the Nicky & Alex Express! We made a little run to the toy store. Did you know these boys really love trains?

Becky: Yeah, they do.

Danny: They're having so much fun!

Becky: Well, that's great. I'll put these away for later. When you boys are older, I'm sure you'll appreciate the fine craftsmanship.

Danny: Do whatever you want, Becky. I got it. Choo-choo!

(In their room, Stephanie and Michelle are rehearsing before going to sleep.)

Stephanie: OK, Michelle. Let's try the song again.

Michelle: One question: You know the part where Yankee Doodle sticks the feather in his hat and calls it 'macaroni'?

Stephanie: Yeah?

Michelle: Is he calling the hat 'macaroni' or the feather?

Stephanie: The feather.

Michelle: Well, then what does he call his hat?

Stephanie: I don't know, Michelle.

Michelle: He must call it something.

Stephanie: (She's albeit angrily.) "Bob". He calls it "Bob".

Michelle: Should I sing "stuck a feather in his 'Bob'"?

Stephanie: Just sing it the way you learned it, huh?

(Jesse and Joey arrive.)

Jesse: Girls, it's getting kind of late.

Stephanie: Hey, you don't become Yankee Doodle by turning in early. Show 'em what you got, Michelle.

Michelle: OK. (singing) "Yankee Doodle came to town riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat and called it 'macaroni'."

(At the school, auditions are about to begin.)

Stephanie: OK, kids. I am Miss/Ms. Tanner, your choreographer. (She's introducing...) This is Joey Gladstone and Jesse Katsopolis (who both wave.) I've asked them to direct. Now, you're gonna work, and you're gonna sweat! When I say "jump", you're gonna say, "How high?"! (The directors stop her, thinking she's gone a little too far.)

Denise: Your sister's getting on my last nerve.

Michelle: Try living with her.

Joey: OK, kids. Basically, we're here trying to have a good time.

Jesse: Basically, we're gonna sing, we're gonna dance, and we're gonna put on a good show.

Aaron: So far, we're just sitting here!

Jesse: Aaron, my man. I see they let you out of kindergarten.

Aaron: You still don't have a job.

(Cut to a humiliated Jesse.)

Michelle: He has a good job.

Jesse: Now, Michelle, we don't need to defend ourselves to him. (He's mocking Aaron.) I have my own radio show. What do you do?

Joey: (as he gets Jesse back over to the piano.) Let's start the auditions, shall we? (He followed by a montage of the kids auditioning.)

(Then, after all the parts have been chosen, someone speaks up.)

Derek: Excuse me, but I didn't get a chance to try out.

Joey: Sorry, we didn't see you.

Derek: That's OK. I intend to blend in with my surroundings.

(After Derek wins the part that Michelle wanted so badly...)

Denise: That boy was good. (She and the other classmates congratulate him, while Michelle just somberly sits there, dejected that she won't be able to continue her sisters' tradition.)

[When Jesse, Joey, Stephanie, and Michelle come home...]

Danny: Hey, Michelle. How's the star of the school play?

Michelle: Why don't you go to his house and ask him?

Danny: What happened?

Stephanie: Uncle Jesse and Joey picked somebody else.

Danny: What?!

Joey: Well, Michelle was great. But this other kid, Derek, was greater.

Jesse: We're sorry that we got you excited about this, Michelle, but we have to be fair.

Michelle: Why?

Danny: Well, Michelle, if someone really was a little better than you, then you have to think that Uncle Jesse and Joey made the right choice and you just gotta accept it.

Jesse: But listen, Michelle. We put our heads together, and we came up with a great part for you.

Joey: Yeah, you're onstage the whole time. You're the center of everything.

Michelle: I'm listening.

(Michelle in her new role: the Statue of Liberty. Unfortunately, her looks show she isn't enjoying it.)

Stephanie: (She's beat clapping.) One, two, one, two...

Denise: Haven't you heard of "three"?!

Stephanie: (She stops everyone.) OK. Apparently, we are going to have to go right back to the basics of dancing. (She's pointing to her right foot.) This is a foot.

Joey: OK, time-out (He's doing the gesture for such.) Let's take a little break from the dancing and take it from George Washington's line "A proud symbol..."

Aaron: "A proud symbol welcomes all to our country and reminds us we are free." (And all point to Lady Liberty.)

Joey: Michelle, that's your line. "I am Lady Liberty..."

Michelle: "I am Lady Liberty." But I should've been Yankee Doodle.

Jesse: Alright, take five, kids.

Stephanie: OK, everybody over here!

Jesse: What's the matter, Shorty?

Michelle: My arm is getting bored (as in tired from holding the "torch".) I don't want to be the Statue of Liberty.

Joey: Jess, can't we write her a little song and dance number or something?

Jesse: Joey, we can't spoil her. She's gotta be a team player. Now, sweetheart, if you don't wanna be Lady Liberty, then you go sit down and watch the kids rehearse.

Michelle: Fine. (She hands over her "torch" and sulks offstage.)

(As he gives the twins their bath...)

Danny: "Sixteen men on a dead man's chest. Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!"

Danny: (to Becky.) I guess when Michelle told me she was too old to ride Quacky, I realized my last little duck-rider had left the pond. I miss having babies around.

(In Stephanie and Michelle's room, Jesse and Joey enter.)

Jesse: Hi, peanut. (She mopes on her bed.) Oh, I get it. You're not talking to us.

Joey: Michelle, are you not talking to us? (She nods her head.) She's not talking to us.

Jesse: OK. All those in favor of Michelle getting ticked off at Uncle Jesse and Joey say "Aye!"

Michelle: "Aye!" ... You tricked me.

Jesse: Ah, I get it. You think we're being unfair, right?

Michelle: Right!

Jesse: Well, we think you're being unfair.

Joey: Michelle, every kid in that play is working hard. Now, if we don't have a Statue of Liberty, you're letting all those other kids down. Is that what you want?

Michelle: No. I wanna be Yankee Doodle. 'Cause D.J. and Stephanie were Yankee Doodle, and I wanted to be Yankee Doodle, too.

Joey: Well Michelle, you don't always get what you want in life. Heck, when I was a little kid, I wanted to be Fred Flintstone, but I had too many toes.

Jesse: Excuse me, Michelle. (He slaps Joey's head.) Michelle, it's like being in a band. Not everybody gets to be the lead singer.

Michelle: You are.

Jesse: Well, yes. But I'm no more important than the bass player, what's-his-name... What's his name? Long curly hair... Larry, Lenny, or something? (Joey slaps Jesse's head.) [...] My band wouldn't sound as good without, uh... What's his name?! The long-haired guy? [...] We want you to go out there and be the best Statue of Liberty you could be. Capisce?

Michelle: Capisce! And his name is Lanny.

(The play is underway...)

George Washington: Greetings, fellow Americans. I am the father of our country. My name is Aaron Bailey.

Joey: George Washington!

George Washington: Oh, yeah. My name is George Washington. And here comes my wife, Bertha.

Joey: Martha!

George Washington: Martha.

(And Joey sends 'Martha', but her wig gets caught on his watch. He tosses it to her, and 'Martha' puts it on backwards.)

Stephanie: I think it's going pretty well.

Martha Washington: Bye, Paul Revere! Thanks for the warning!

Lady Liberty: Look! Here comes the Yankee Doodle boy! (The music starts, but there's no movement!) I said, "Look! Here comes the Yankee Doodle boy!" (That's Derek's cue, but he's too scared and bolts for the door, only to find it locked.)

Jesse: It'll be a moment. Just talk amongst yourselves. (He, Joey, Stephanie, and Lady Liberty all rush to find out what the holdup is.)

(After the talk...)

Lady Liberty: Now, as I was saying, "Look! Here comes the Yankee Doodle boy!"

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