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Warner Animation Group's The Lego Batman Movie - Theatrical Character Poster

[the screen is black and Batman starts to narrate]

Batman: [voice-over] Black. All important movies start with a black screen. And music. Edgy, scary music that make a parent, or studio executive nervous.

[The screen now shows us the opening with logos.]

Batman: [voice-over] And logos. Really long, and dramatic logos. Warner Bros? Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know. DC. The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I am your kryptonite. Hmm. Not sure what Rat Pac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. Okay, get yourself ready for some reading.

[Words appear.]

Batman: [voice-over] If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change. Hooo.

[Michael Jackson is shown.]

Batman: [voice-over] No, I said that.

[Now Batman is shown.]

Batman: [voice-over] Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs, and a nine pack.

[His 9th ab is by his lungs.]

Batman: [voice-over] Yeah, I've got an extra ab. Now let's the movie.

[At 10:25 pm, a Gotham City airship is on its way to the city.]

Pilot Bill: [over speaker] Gotham Tower, this is McGuffin Airlines Flight 1138.

[The plane has many explosive devices.]

Pilot Bill: We are transporting 11 million sticks of dynamite, 17,000 pounds of C4, about 150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs...
Pilot Bill & Captain Dale: And two best friends.
Pilot Bill: And request our permission to fly over the most crime-ridden city in the world. Over.

[The transporter people are concerned.]

Airport person #1: I'm just looking at all the guys' faces here in the control tower.
Airport person #2: I'm good.
Airport person #3: Sounds good to me.
Airport person #4: Do it.
Airport person #5: Yeah, as long as they're best friends.
Airport person #6: Thumbs up!
Airport person #1: And yep. I think we're cool with that.

[Then another aircraft comes flying in and landed on the airspace, and criminals begin to seal in.]

The Joker: Gentlemen, seal breach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

[The back side breaks.]

Captain Dale: What was that?
Pilot Bill: One of us should check it out.
Captain Dale: Okay.
Pilot Bill & Captain Dale: Scissors, paper, rock...
Captain Dale: Paper.
Pilot Bill: Scissors. [cuts the paper] Ha! You always do paper.
Captain Dale: [depressed] I'm a loser at home, and a loser at work.

[As he checks the plane, and the criminals launch him, making him surprised]

Captain Dale: Holy cow! Whoa!

[A figure approaches Pilot Bill. Pilot Bill doesn't see him.]

Pilot Bill: Captain Dale, is everything okay?

[Only then does the pilot notice the figure.]

The Joker: I'm afraid Captain Dale had to bail. I'm your new co-pilot. And I always come to work with a smile.

[He smiles evilly, but Pilot Bill stares unimpressed.]

The Joker: You should be terrified.
Pilot Bill: [confused] Why?

[The Joker does a little dance.]

The Joker: Because I will be taking over the city.
Pilot Bill: [unsure] Mmm...
The Joker: What?
Pilot Bill: Batman will stop you.

[The Joker sputters.]

Pilot Bill: He always stops you.
The Joker: No he doesn't.
Pilot Bill: What about that time with the two boats?
The Joker: This is better that the two boats.
Pilot Bill: Mmm...
The Joker: Well, TONIGHT, is gonna be different. Tonight is my greatest plan yet. And trust me, Batman's never gonna see it coming.
Pilot Bill: [voice-over] Like that time with the parade and the prince music.
The Joker: [voice-over] Hey, quiet!
Jeff: Good night, Steve.
Steve: Take it easy, Jeff.

[Jeff leaves.]

Steve: Man, I really like that guy. I sure hope nothing bad happens to him.

[Meanwhile, Jeff is driving home while whistling and singing.]

Jeff: Nothing bad ever happens to me.

[Suddenly a big question mark blocks his way.]

Jeff: What the..?
The Joker: [voice-over] Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminals minds.

[Riddler grabs Jeff's hand, and a truck helps him take it off.]

The Joker: [voice-over] Including the Riddler...

{{Action|The Riddler laughs. Another car heads toward Steve.]

The Joker:
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Scarecrow...
Scarecrow: Pizza delivery.
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Joker:
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Bane...
Bane: Hello!
Joker:
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Two-Face...
Two-Face: We need that door open, baby.
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Joker:
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Catwoman...
Catwoman: Meow, meow, you're in. Meow, meow.
Guard: I'm jumping out of the way.
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Joker:
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And let's not forget Clayface.
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Security Guards: Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Joker:
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Poison Ivy...
Security Guards: Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Security Guard: Freeze!
Mr. Freeze: No, you freeze! Pew!
Joker:
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Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser, Poke-a-dot Man, Mime, Tarantula, King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth, March Harriet, Zodiac Master, Gentleman Ghost, Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite Man, Catman, Zebra Man, and the Condiment King.
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  • Pilot Bill: [ dumbfounded] Okay, are you making some of those up?
  • Joker: Nope. They're all real. Probably worth a Google.
  • [ At the Gotham City Police Department, O'Hara heads to Gordon's office]
  • Men: Hey! / Oy!
  • Chief O'Hara: Commissioner Gordon!
  • Jim Gordon: What is it, O'Hara?
  • Chief O'Hara: [ with paper] We just got a report. All the Z-grade villains have broken into the energy plant. What are we gonna do, sir?
  • Jim Gordon: The only thing we have to do. Flip the switch to the bat-signal. [ flips it, but...] Flip!
  • Police Officer: Commissioner, are you there? The bat-signal! She's been egged! [ another villain is seen]
  • Chief O'Hara: It's Egghead, sir. [ eggs somehow covered her] I'm well aware of his work.
  • Pilot Bill: Dear, gosh. You've destroyed the bat-signal. You have thought of everything.
  • Joker: Yeah, I know! [ opens the energy plant doors] And when I take over Gotham City...
  • Voice-over: Opening reactor core doors.
  • Joker: Batman will grovel at the feet of his greatest enemy...
  • Catwoman: Whoo, hoo!
  • Joker: Me! The Joker! [ laughs, then Harley calls]
  • Harley Quinn: Joker, do you read me?
  • Joker: 10-4, girl buddy. [ changes his clothes]
  • Harley Quinn: [ over the phone] We're ready for you, sugarplum.
  • Joker: Well, then, let's raise the roof.
  • Bane: [ aiming for the roof] Fire in the hole! [ shoots the roof, the police race across the street]
  • Jim Gordon: O'Hara, have you tried the bat-phone?
  • Chief O'Hara: Yes, but all I'm getting is this hold music. [ It reveals the music is really coming from the phone.] I love it. [ they arrive at the scene of the crime]
  • Jim Gordon: I want snipers trained on that building!
  • Police Officer #1: You bet!
  • Jim Gordon: I want water and air support yesterday.
  • Police Officer #2: Ahoy, sir!
  • Jim Gordon: And I need SWAT here now!
  • Police Officer #3: [ with a phone] Phone call for Commissioner Gordon.
  • Jim Gordon: Hello, Batman? [ Instead of Batman Joker calls.]
  • Joker: Hi, Jimmy! It's the Jokes. Whoop! [ the bomb is being landed]
  • Jim Gordon: Nobody calls you that.
  • Joker: [ sputters and mutters] Yes, people do call me that! Okay, listen up!
  • Penguin Minions: Go, go, go!
  • Joker: At this very moment, an unnecessarily, complicated bomb is being attached to the inside of the main energy core. [ the penguins attach the bomb] If the mayor isn't here in five minutes to negotiate the city's surrender, then I shall destroy Gotham City.
  • Killer Croc: [ activates the bomb] I did something!
  • Pippa: Doctor, that sounds frighting and overly complicated. Talk us through it.
  • Dr. Quivers: Well, I don't wanna scare any small children who may be listening. But, it's a little known fact that Gotham city is built on a bunch of flimsy plates stuck together. There's literally nothing beneath us, except an infinite abyss that smells like dirty underwear. If Joker's bomb were to go off these plates would break apart, plunging every Gotham citizen into the eternal abyss forever. [ he shows a quick video from The Lego Movie with Emmet falling into the abyss]
  • Joker: And you wouldn't want that, now, would you? Now give the mayor! Joker out! [ drops the phone]
  • Jim Gordon: Madam Mayor, I cannot ask you to do this.
  • Mayor McCaskill: Jim, did you find Batman?
  • Jim Gordon: [ disappointed] No, ma'am.
  • Mayor McCaskill: Then we have no choice. The Joker has the upper hand. We have to surrender Gotham City.
  • Jim Gordon: Oh, no!
  • Mayor McCaskill: I'm sorry!
  • Pilot: Flying the mayor package in right now.
  • SWAT Leader: SWAT team, get your stun guns ready!
  • SWAT Team: Non-lethal! Yeah!
  • Pilot: Lowering mayor package through hole. [ the mayor lands where Joker and his team are driving in circles around her]
  • Joker: Madam Mayor! thanks for dropping by.
  • Mayor McCaskill: [ scoffs] I've only got one thing to say to you Joker.
  • Joker: Well, you better make it fast.
  • Mayor McCaskill: Do you like to gamble?
  • Joker: Oh, I certainly do.
  • Mayor McCaskill: Do you ever play roulette?
  • Joker: On occasion.
  • Mayor McCaskill: Well, let me give you a word of advice.
  • Joker: I'm all ears.
  • Mayor McCaskill: When playing roulette...
  • Joker: Yes?
  • Batman: ...always bet on black. [ it reveals Batman was in disguise]
  • Joker: [ horrified] Batman? What are you doing? You're completely outnumbered here! Are you nuts?
  • Batman: You want to get nuts? Come on! [ turns on some music] Let's get nuts! Cause I wrote a song about how I'm gonna kick all your butts.
  • Joker: Stop him before he starts singing. [ it was too late, Batman began his song]
  • Batman: [ singing] In the darkest night, [ Chorus: Huh!] I make the bad guys fall, [ Chorus: Huh!] There's a million heroes.
  • Batman: Computer, overcompensate.
  • Chorus: But I'm the best of them all!
  • 'Puter: I'm on my way, sir.
  • Batman: [ singing] Who has the coolest gadgets? [ Chorus: Batman] Who has the tricked-out ride? [ Chorus: Batman!] Who does the sickest backflips? [ Chorus: Batman! Na, na,na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman! Yeah!] Batman Jam! Dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, Batman! You think my muscles are big? [ speaks] Thank you! [ sings again] You haven't seen my brain. Ladies, it's okay if you stare. Why? 'Cause I'm a billionaire!
  • Joker: Get it together, guys! You're making me look bad in front of Batman.
  • Batman: 'Puter, where's the bomb?
  • 'Puter: The bomb is located at the base of the energy core. [ penguins start to wreck the batwing]
  • Batman: What the..? [ continues singing] I get the last laugh, I get the final grin, throw you into the asylum with Harley Quinn, [ with the chorus] Turn Two-Face to black and blue face.
  • Mr. Freeze: Pew! Pew! [ freezes the batwing]
  • Batman: [ sings] I 100% am not Bruce Wayne! [ comes face-to-face with Poison Ivy]
  • Poison Ivy: Kiss me, Batman. [ she kisses a penguin instead] Ew! [ Batman keeps bringing penguins]
  • Batman: [ still singing] who is the manliest man? [ Chorus: Batman!] With the buns of steel? [ Chorus: Batman! [ speaks] 'Puter. [ sings] Who can choke-hold a bear? [ Chorus: Batman!] Who never skips leg day? [ Chorus: Batman!] who always pays their taxes? Not Batman!
  • Joker: How is he beating all of you again?
  • Batman: [ started slapping] Because... I'm Batman.
  • Two-Face: It's gonna blow.
  • Batman: I'm Batman. [ the villains leave] I'm Batman! [ Joker runs into him]
  • Joker: Hi, Batman. So weird to keep running into you. [ Batman jumps and Joker's car crashes]
  • Chorus: Dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, Batman!
  • Batman: Looks like your plan failed.
  • Joker: Well, it's only a matter of time before I take over Gotham City. [ gets a gun] Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
  • Batman: When does that ever happen? Computer.
  • 'Puter: Calculating. [ calculates] Never. [ then she tracks Joker]
  • Batman: You know why? [ Joker yelps] Because, I'm always a step ahead of you.
  • Joker: And I always get away. [ breaks the bridge and fly in his balloon escape object]
  • Batman: Not this time. [ grabs him with rope] Cause this time... [ grabs the the other side of the broken bridge] I've got you.
  • Joker: Oh, yeah? Well, there's only one problem. [ Cut to Joker's bomb nearly at 0] who's gonna defuse the bomb? [ Cut back to them] It's gotta be one or the other, Batman. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You can't do both.
  • Batman: [ confused] I'm sorry. What did you just say?
  • Joker: You can't do both, I said.
  • Batman: No, I mean the other thing.
  • Joker: Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.
  • Batman: You think you're greatest enemy?
  • Joker: Yes! You're obsessed with me.
  • Batman: [ sputters] No, I'm not.
  • Joker: Yes, you are.
  • Batman: No, I'm not.
  • Joker: Yes, you are! Who else drives to one up in the way that I do?
  • Batman: Bane.
  • Joker: No, he doesn't.
  • Batman: Superman.
  • Joker: Superman's not a bad guy.
  • Batman: Then I'd say I don't currently have a bad guy, I am fighting a few different people.
  • Joker: What?
  • Batman: I like to fight around.
  • Joker: Okay, look. I am fine with you fighting other people if you want to do that. But what we have is special. So, when people ask you, "Who's your number one bad guy?" You say...
  • Batman: Superman.
  • Joker: Are you seriously saying that there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?
  • Batman: Whoa. Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do ships.
  • Joker: [ stunned] What?
  • Batman: As in, "Relationships." [ Joker's face slowly saddening] there is no "us." Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't anyone. You mean nothing to me. [ Joker stays heartbroken for a long pause] No one does. [ Batman unhinges Joker and heads for the bomb, while Joker floats away still sad] Mmm. [ Batman prepares to cut the red wire, then he thought it was the black one, everyone worried] Mm.
  • Jim Gordon: [ grunts]
  • [ the screen pulls back then suddenly zooms in again]
  • Jim Gordon: Hurry! Batman, you did it!
  • Batman: [ be carried] You're welcome. Oh, my pleasure.
  • Citizens: Thank you, Batman! / Batman, we love you!
  • Batman: Thank you. I'm blushing super hard under the mask.
  • Chef: Grazie, Batman. [ blows a kiss]
  • Batman: Prego.
  • Citizen: You're the best, Batman!
  • Batman: Oh, I'm humble.
  • Citizen: Thanks, Batman!
  • Batman: I'm super modest about it. thank you.
  • Citizen: Batman, you're the greatest!
  • Batman: Oh, pray hands, pray hands. [ The batmobile appears]
  • Citizen: Thanks for saving the city.
  • Batman: You're welcome.
  • Citizen: Batman, I love you more than my kids.
  • Batman: [ drives away] So do I, guy!
  • [ Every citizen congratulates Batman for saving their city]
  • Batman: Ha, ha, ha, I love my life. Computer.
  • 'Puter: Go ahead.
  • Batman: Are we near the orphanage?
  • 'Puter: Yes.
  • Batman: Great. Let's turn those frowns upside down. [ the horn honks in a batman theme, and Dick is waiting for Batman]
  • Dick Grayson: [ on top of the sign hearing the sound] That sounds like the batmobile. [ Batman bursts into the orphanage] No way! [ jumps down] Hey, orphans, look who's here. [ the orphans ran over him and to Batman]
  • Batman: Hey, kids, who wants a shot from the merch gun?
  • Orphans: I do! I do!
  • Batman: Great. Kaboom!
  • Orphan 1: I got a lunch box.
  • Batman: Kaboom!
  • Orphan 2: I got a sippy cup.
  • Batman: Kaboom!
  • Orphan 3: I got a Batarang!
  • Batman: And the rest of you get Batbucks. Kaboom! Remember, kids. If you want be like Batman take care of your abs. Batman out.
  • Orphans: [ cheering] Batman! Batman! Batman! [ Batman drives away]
  • Dick Grayson: Thanks, Batman! You're my hero!
  • [Batman's batmobile changes into the batwing and flies to an island where he lives which is Wayne Manor]
  • 'Puter: What is the password?
  • Batman: Iron Man sucks.
  • 'Puter: Thank you.
  • Reporter: It must be great to be Batman.
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I can only imagine he's going home right now to part the night away, surrounded by scores of friends and lady tennis players.
  • [Batman parks the Batwing at the end of his line]
  • Batman: Hey, computer. I'm home. [ his voice echos through the cave]
  • 'Puter: Welcome home, sir. Initializing Batcave operating system.
  • Batman: Hey, Puter.
  • 'Puter: What's up, Batman?
  • Batman: [ holding Joker's bomb] Put this bomb in the museum.
  • 'Puter: Certainly, sir.
  • Batman: Thank you.
  • 'Puter: No worries.
  • Batman: Anything exciting happened when I was gone?
  • 'Puter: You have four pieces of mail.
  • Batman: Great. What'd I get?
  • 'Puter: You have this week's penny saver, two bills, and a coupon for bed, bath, and beyond. It expires in two weeks. But I've heard that some stores will honor the past expiry date.
  • Batman: Copy that.
  • 'Puter: Also, Alfred is on the 17th floor grouting tiles in the second bathroom of the fifth master bedroom. [ Batman takes off his clothes and puts on a robe] Do you want me to tell Alfred you're home?
  • Batman: No, that's cool, Computer. Thanks for the update. I should probably have some dinner.
  • 'Puter: Alfred left your lobster thermidor in the fridge.
  • Batman: Oh, that's my favorite. I can't wait. [ he takes the elevator to the kitchen]
  • [ In the kitchen Batman puts his lobster in the microwave it shows 1:04 AM, and he starts puts it on 20:00]
  • Batman: [ quietly] Oh, not 20:00. Stupid.
  • [ Batman changes the timer for 2:00, and stares at the microwave heating his food]
  • Batman: [ making "pop" noises]
  • [ Later Batman has his lobster thermidor in a small boat, then he plays with his guitar, after he went to a source but it wasn't available]
  • Batman: Oh. There which one is, uh.. Okay.
  • [ The screen shows a man and woman in a room, while Batman watches]
  • Jerry Maguire: You complete me. [ Batman laughs]
  • Dorothy Boyd: [ sniffles] Shut up. You had me at hello.
  • Batman: [chuckles] I love it. [ he looks around at the empty chairs and sighs and chomps popcorn]
  • [ Later near the fire place, Batman walks over the family pictures when he was a kid and his parents were there.]
  • Batman: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. I, uh-- I saved the city again today. I wish you've could've seen me. I think you would have been really proud. [ all quiet for a second, when suddenly...]
  • Alfred Pennyworth: There you are. [ Batman jumps and kicks Alfred right into the piano]
  • Batman: Oh, Alfred! I am so sorry. I have incredible reflexes.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: [ out of the piano] No, it's all my fault, sir. I should have known better than to sneak up on you like that.
  • Batman: All right. Just lost in thought as you know. When I'm in there I'm in deep.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: [ having the cup and plate] Were you looking at the old family pictures again?
  • Batman: [ faking surprise] At the what? The old family... Oh, yes. I see what you mean. Look at that. The old gang. Yeah, no I wasn't.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: [ pretending to believe him] I see. Sir, if you don't mind by my saying. I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases [ showing some quick videos from over the years] In 2016, 2012, 2008, 2005, 1997, 1995, 1992, and 1982, and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?
  • Batman: I don't talk about feelings Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stoking, crime-fighting, vigilante, and a heavy-meddling wrapping machine. I don't feel anything emotional, except rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. and if you think that there is something behind that then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: [ holding a remote] Sir, its morning. [ The curtains reveal the light from the sun, while Batman somewhat feel the burn]
  • Batman: The sun!
  • Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, you live on an island figuratively, and literally. [ the screen zooms out in the opening of the island.
  • Batman: Yeah, I love it. [ the screen zooms back]
  • Alfred Pennyworth: You can't spend the rest of your life alone, dressed in black, listening to angry music, and staying up all night.
  • Batman: Yes I can. [ holds two batarangs] 'Cause I'm Batman.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: But, don't you think its time you finally faced your greatest fear?
  • Batman: (repeating Metal Beard's tale of woe from Lego Movie) Snakes?
  • Alfred Pennyworth: No.
  • Batman: Clowns?
  • Alfred Pennyworth: No.
  • Batman: Snake clowns?
  • Alfred Pennyworth: Bruce, listen. Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again.
  • Batman: Nope. Now it's snake clowns, because you put that idea in my head.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: Sir?
  • Batman: Time for push-ups! (starts doing push-ups) One, two... We're going to 1,000.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.
  • Batman: Oh, it is possible. I'm already at 20.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party.
  • Batman: (referencing Good Cop's line when he's told to 'Kragle' his parents in Lego Movie) What? No. I don't wanna do that.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: You're going to have a great time!
  • Batman: No, no, no.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: You might meet some new people!
  • Batman: No, no, no!
  • Alfred Pennyworth: You could even make some new friends.
  • Batman: No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No!
  • Alfred Pennyworth: And before you go, we can do your favorite thing.
  • Batman: Tuxedo dress-up party.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, aren't you forgetting something?
  • Batman: Nope.
  • Alfred Pennyworth: Your cowl.
  • Batman: My what, now?
  • Alfred Pennyworth: Your armored face disguise?
  • Batman: Fine. (takes off the cowl) Happy now?
  • Alfred Pennyworth: (referencing Jack Sparrow's line from the Curse of the Black Pearl) Indubitably.
  • Batman: Good. Must be nice to be happy.
  • (Transit to the Joker who's watching a TV programme with his henchmen)
  • News reporter (Pippa): Tonight, on Metropolis in Focus, we have our favorite star, Superman!
  • Superman: What up, Gotham!
  • Pippa: Superman, tell me. How do you feel about your recent banishment of Zod to the Phantom Zone?
  • Superman: Yeah, look, Pippa, it's... It's complicated. Okay? Zod and I, we've had some pretty epic battles over the years. I don't believe I would be Superman without fighting Zod.
  • Joker: See? Superman gets it. Why can't Batman?
  • Calculator: Check it out guys. I built a CD rack. Ta-da! [CD rack falls apart]
  • Joker: And how am I supposed to get Batman's respect, when I'm working with these human farts?
  • Harley Quinn: Boo-boo, look at me; you're too good for Batman. He needs to open his eyes, and see what it feels like when you're not around. Okay?  
  • (on the TV, Superman continues chatting with the news reporter)  
  • Superman (cont'd): ...yeah, Pippa. I couldn't put Zod in a regular prison, right? He's Zod. Come on! No, he needed to go someplace where he could NEVER harm Metropolis ever again. The Phantom Zone.
  • Pippa: Ah, yes, the notorious space jail that houses the greatest super-villians of all time.       
  • Superman: They've got, like, the SICKEST baddies up there. They got, like, THIS guy. (flashes a smash cut of the Indominus Rex from Jurassic World)       
  • Superman: And her.        
  • Wicked Witch of the West: (from Deep Blue Sea): I'll get you, my pretty.        
  • Superman: To say nothing about him.       
  • Voldemort: Wingardium Leviosa!       
  • Superman: (cont'd): And these guys.       
  • Daleks: EXTERMINATE!       
  • (back to Joker and Harley Quinn)       
  • Joker: I'm starting to get an idea, monkey face.       
  • (cut to a ceremony elsewhere)       
  • Female Citizen: Bruce, over here!        
  • Bruce Wayne: Okay, shutterbugs. Look alive, here we go. I'm gonna give you three poses. You ready?Kissy face. Oops, I did it again. And the Bad Boys. What you gonna do? I'm out of here, guys. Thank you. Congresswoman.        
  • Citizen: Mr. Wayne, good to see you.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Senator, looking great.        
  • Citizen: Bruce.        
  • Singer: I'm starting with the man in the mirror...       
  • Bruce, any advice for the new commissioner?        
  • Long as he knows how to push the button for the Bat-Signal, he'll be fine.        
  • Bruce, I don't know how you did it.        
  • You can't prove it, you didn't do it.        
  • Mr. Wayne, so great to see you!        
  • Come and join us!        
  • Mr. Prime Minister.        
  • Did you have some work done?        
  • (camera shows the perspective of somebody watching Bruce through a scope)       
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: No way! Bruce Wayne!        
  • He's the greatest orphan of all time.        
  • Shamon, Shamon        
  • - Nice to see you, Mr. Ambassador.        
  • - Mr. Wayne!        
  • - You want a picture?        
  • - That would be swell!        
  • Here we go.        
  • Party face!        
  • Boom.        
  • Keep it.        
  • Whoa!        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Thanks, Mr. Wayne.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Call me Bruce, champ.       
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: I'm just so jazzed to meet you, sir.        
  • Bruce Wayne: I'm sorry, did you say "jazzed"?        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Yes! My name's Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Well, children can be cruel.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Yeah.        
  • - Great to see you, Bruce.        
  • - Nice to see you, sir.       
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: So, I had a question for you, sir.       
  • Bruce Wayne: Okay, hit me with it.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Do you have any advice on how to get adopted?        
  • Bruce Wayne: Oh, yeah.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Oh, you do?        
  • - Mr. Wayne, can I get an autograph?        
  • - Sure.        
  • Um, all right, for example, is teeth whitener a good idea?        
  • - Yes.        
  • There you go, pal.        
  • - Thanks!        
  • - Really?        
  • - Oh, yeah.        
  • - Looking good, Bruce.        
  • - Thank you so much.        
  • How about eyeliner or a foreign language?        
  • - Try both.        
  • - Bueno.        
  • Look, it's the new commissioner!        
  • - Where?        
  • Oh, she's with the mayor!        
  • - Okay.        
  • Let's see.        
  • Here she is, everyone!        
  • - Oh, my darling!        
  • - Hi, Dad. Mr. Wayne?        
  • Should I get experimental surgery to make my eyes larger and more vulnerable-looking?        
  • Uh, do that.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Uh, Mr. Wayne? Are you currently in the market to adopt a child?        
  • Bruce Wayne: Yeah.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Really?        
  • Bruce Wayne: Oh, yeah.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Wow. Are you looking for more of a base model orphan or one that has more upgraded features?        
  • Bruce Wayne: Yep.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Like cooking or driftwood art? Gymnastic abilities?        
  • Bruce Wayne: Yep. Yep.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Close-up street magic la David Blaine?        
  • Bruce Wayne: All of it sounds great.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Really? Because all of it sounds like me. Mr. Wayne, do you think you'd be interested in adopting me as your future orphan son?        
  • Bruce Wayne: Definitely.        
  • Dick Grayson/John Blake: Oh, this is great! Because all I want is to get adopted, so I can finally stop being alone.        
  • We've gathered here tonight to mark the retirement of Jim Gordon. Goodbye. And we wish him well on his South African jungle safari!        
  • Thank you.        
  • Now, to introduce you to his exciting new replacement. Everyone, meet your new commissioner! Meet Barbara Gordon!        
  • The new commissioner of Gotham City!        
  • Whoa! She was top of her class at Harvard for Police. She cleaned up the streets of Gotham's nearby sister city Bldhaven using statistics and compassion. And now she's bringing her new ideas and her nunchucks to Gotham City.        
  • Congratulations, darling.        
  • Thanks, Dad.        
  • Here she is, everyone!        
  • Thank you! Thanks!        
  • Hurray!        
  • Ms. Gordon, over here!       
  • Big smile!        
  • Barbara: Wow. Thank you for the oversized key to Arkham Asylum. And, uh, what's this? Thank you for the switch to the Bat-Signal. Nice. Dad, you've always done a great job protecting Gotham City. Flip!        
  • (Batsignal appears)       
  • Barbara: That's me. Thank you. Along with Batman, of course. Whoo! Let's hear it for Batman! Who I wish was here right now. Oh, I'm sure he's listening. I'd like to ask all of you a question. Are you fed up with crime?        
  • - Uh-huh.        
  • We're all tired of crime.        
  • Yeah, we're sick of it.        
  • Great. Then let's talk about real improvements that will end the cycle of crime. I've got a four-point pilot program that I'd love to share with you. I wanna hear all four points. - It's called...        
  • Bruce Wayne:- I am ready.        
  • Barbara: It takes a village...        
  • Bruce Wayne: Best opening to a title ever.        
  • Barbara: Not a Batman.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Waiter.        
  • Waiter: Sir?        
  • Bruce Wayne: Can I?        
  • Waiter: Of course.        
  • (he gives Bruce a drink)       
  • Bruce Wayne: Thank you.        
  • Waiter: My pleasure.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Thanks so much. (spits out his drink) What?        
  • Barbara: Look. Batman's been on the job for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time. He has aged phenomenally. However, despite all the great work Batman has done for us, Gotham City is still the most crime-ridden city in the world.        
  • She's got a great point.        
  • Interesting.        
  • Historically speaking, that is accurate. He hasn't captured Riddler.       
  • You know, she's right. He hasn't captured Bane.        
  • - Huh!        
  • - Or Catwoman. Or Two-Face, or any of Gotham's other villains! He's not good at his job. Including the Joker! She's making a lot of sense.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Excuse me. (spits again) I'm so sorry. Excuse me.        
  • We love you, Barbara!       
  • - Yes.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Hi. Bruce Wayne. Billionaire, bon vivant, gallivanter, playboy, Gotham's most eligible bachelor, like, 90 years in a row.        
  • - That's me right there.        
  • Barbara: I know who you are, Mr. Wayne.        
  • Bruce Wayne: You bet you do. Quick question, what is your problem with Batman, and also, what the heck, dude?        
  • Barbara: I'm glad you asked, Mr. Wayne. I'm not a Batman hater. But we don't need an unsupervised adult man karate-chopping poor people in a Halloween costume. We need to take what's good about Batman... ...and marry it to actual laws and proper ethics and accountability. I hate everything you just said. Because my dream is for the police force to team up with Batman. Waiter. Wouldn't that be better? And I know that, together, the world's greatest detective... ...and Gotham's finest could clean up these crime-ridden streets. Forever.        
  • (an explosion rocks the area)       
  • Everybody, get down!        
  • Joker: Grand entrance!        
  • Everyone! Make your way to the exits immediately! Run!        
  • Joker: Team Bane, block the exits.        
  • (Bane approaches the exit with a few villains)       
  • Bane: Going somewhere?        
  • Joker: Clayface, Freeze, bring me the new Commissioner Gordon.        
  • Clayface: We're on it.        
  • Joker: Cool. And, Harley, you know what to do.        
  • Harley Quinn: I sure do. It's time for Operation "Take Out the Laundry."        
  • (she changes into Dr. Harlenn Quinzel)       
  • (Batman is jumping towards the car beneath him)       
  • Bruce Wayne: Butler One, this is Bat One. Do you copy?        
  • (Alfred is in a car reading a book)       
  • Alfred: - Go ahead, Bat One.        
  • Bruce Wayne: - I need my armored face disguise, now!        
  • Alfred: Only if you say the magic word.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Now!        
  • Alfred: No.        
  • Bruce Wayne: You're fired.        
  • Alfred: No. Sir, we'll talk about this back at the Batcave.        
  • Bruce Wayne: Hey, 'Puter.        
  • Computer: Yes?        
  • Bruce Wayne: Initialize masterbuild music.        
  • Computer: Right away. Collateral damage assessment suggests the Scuttler, sir.        
  • Batman: Good plan.        
  • Madam Mayor, stay close to me.        
  • Head for the south exit.        
  • (she plucks a circular object from the ground and tosses it into the air; Freeze fires a frost blast that is deflected off the object and freezes Clayface)       
  • Now, ma'am. Go! Go! Go!        
  • Jim Gordon: Honey, let Batman take care of it.        
  • Barbara: Dad, I got this.        
  • Computer: Scuttler online.        
  • Chief O'Hara, we're coming in hot!        
  • O'Hara: I'm almost there.        
  • Chief, get the mayor to safety.        
  • Batman: Computer, I've got the Joker in my sights.        
  • Barbara: Team, I got the Joker in my sights.        
  • Batman: Joker!        
  • Barbara: Joker. Uh, excuse me? I was about to...        
  • Batman: Push the Bat-Signal?        
  • Barbara: Good call. I like your instincts.0       
  • Joker: I've got a surprise for you guys. And it's gonna make you smile.        
  • Batman: Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace.        
  • Barbara: Everybody, get down.        
  • Joker: I...        
  • Barbara: Joker, no!        
  • Joker: ...surrender.        
  • Barbara: What? Uh, what did you just say?        
  • Joker: I said, "I surrender."        
  • Barbara: Joker, what are you doing?        
  • Batman: I'm sorry, my Bat-ears must be malfunctioning because it sounds...        
  • Joker: I surrender!        
  • Batman: Okay, you know what? Cool it. You're a criminal. You run, and I catch you.        
  • Joker: Not anymore, Batman. You were right. There is no "us." So, there's no point in me trying to fight you anymore. Therefore, I will be surrendering myself to our strong-willed and forward-thinking new commissioner. Blink, blink, blink. Blinkety blink, blink, blink!        
  • Barbara: That's really suspicious.        
  • Batman: Yeah, it is. What are you up to, Joker?        
  • Joker: I just wanna go to Arkham and pay for all of my crimes. Blink, blink, blink. Blinkety blink, blink, blink!        
  • Batman: Are you actually saying "blink"?        
  • Joker: No! Blink, blink, blink.        
  • Barbara: Joker! That's enough.        
  • Batman: Okay, Babs. I got this.        
  • Barbara: Not so fast, Batman.        
  • Joker: You can't fight me anymore. I'm off the market.        
  • Batman: What are you talking about?        
  • Joker: I'm off the menu. You won't get to fight any of this anymore.        
  • Batman: Man, am I sorry I asked. Anyway, have fun in jail and... (he approaches Bane)       
  • Joker: Batman, what are you doing?        
  • Batman: Punching Bane. (he hits Bane)       
  • Bane: That was unnecessary.        
  • Joker: Oh, no, you can't fight Bane anymore either.        
  • Batman: Really? (he hits Bane again and the latter disappears off-screen with a scream)       
  • Joker: Yeah. Or Riddler. Or Catwoman. Or Condiment King.        
  • Batman: Why not?        
  • Joker: Because we're all surrendering. Right, guys?        
  • All the villains: We are?        
  • Joker: Yes!        
  • (he produces a Jack in the Box trick that envelopes all the bad guys)       
  • Riddler: Riddle me this. What just happened?        
  • It's the end of crime!        
  • All right!        
  • - That was amazing! - Over here, over here! - You did it! - Yeah, of course I did. I'm... Sorry, not you. We're talking to Commissioner Gordon. - Well, it was a team effort. - I got this, Babs. Commissioner, how do you feel? Amazing! This is a great first day. Okay. - Question for Batman. - Shoot. What are you gonna do with the rest of your life? What do you mean, the rest of my life? We don't need a vigilante crime fighter now that there's no more crime. Uh, yes, you do. You can spend some quality time with your family. My... Okay, Batman. We'll take it from here. All right, listen up. All of you have the right to remain silent. Let's roll out! Toodle-oo, Batman! - Bye, Batman. - Au revoir, Batman. Bye, Batman. Bye, Batman! Today is a victory for the citizens of Gotham City! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! Is everything okay, sir? You've barely touched your lobster thermidor. I don't have time to eat lobster thermidor right now! Warrior two. Pigeon pose. Tree pose. Tree pose. Hey, Batman! Barbara! What are you doing? Nothing. I have a very full life. No, I mean, what are you doing here? Surveillance. On the Joker. Batman, we both know the Joker's up to something. Well, then we can't just let him run around loose in a prison. He's not loose. He has to go someplace outside the law. - Outside the law? - Yeah. Somewhere like, uh... Hi, there. I'm here from Phantom's Own Laundry. Here to take that bad stuff off your hands. Wait, that's it! The Phantom Zone. The Phantom Zone? No way! That is super illegal and way outside our jurisdiction. So, why don't you and I work together inside the law, to figure out what he's up to? Batman works alone. That's my motto. Copyright Batman. Batman, there are no more vigilantes allowed in Gotham City. Okay. Totally got it. Then I have to go into double-secret super vigilante mode. You said that out loud. I know that she said I said that out loud, but there's no way I did. She has no idea what's going on in my super-mind. Super-mind? Smoke bomb! Computer, how do I put the Joker in the Phantom Zone? Quickest route, no freeways. 'Puter, do you hear me? Hello, Master Bruce. Alfred, there's something wrong with the Batcomputer. Watch this. 'Puter. Nothing. 'Puter. Do you see what I'm saying? There's nothing wrong with it, sir. I have just taken away your computer privileges. The parental lock? You can't do that. Oh, I can. I've been reading Setting Limits for Your Out-of-Control Child. You know what? Doesn't matter, 'cause I have a double-secret super password that unlocks the parental lock. You mean, "Alfred da Butt-ler," with two T's? Sir, it's time for you to stop this unhealthy behavior. No, it's not. You need to take responsibility for your life. Not right now, I don't. And it starts by raising your son. I'm sorry. I literally have no idea what you're talking about. The young orphan you adopted at the gala. Remember? Wow! Stairs. Whee! He's been living here for the past week. Hello, table! Boom! And I must say, I've grown rather fond of the young lad. Hello, secret camera. You should get to know him. We are family - You and he have a lot in common. - En garde. Hello, family photos. He lost his parents at a very young age. I've always wanted one of those. Doesn't he deserve a chance for someone to take him under their wing, as I took you under mine? Alfred, you've been watching way too many Lifetime movies and drinking chardonnay. - It's Pinot grigio, sir. - Whatever it is. Listen, you don't have a family. You're satisfied serving me. So what do you know about having a surrogate son? Now, I'm gonna go fight crime while you put that kid on the next jet to the orphanage. Got it? As you wish, sir. Whoops-a-daisy. Wait, what are you doing? Dusting. You can't let him into the Batcave! I'm not. I'm letting him into your life via the Batcave. What? It's the Batcave! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Batman! Whoa! You're darn right, "Whoa." Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement? No. Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic. - We can have sleepovers every night! - No, we can't. - Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub! - Wait, don't touch that! Over there, it's the Bat-Space shuttle. Please, keep your hands off that. - Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin! - Don't touch that either! - It's the Bat-Train! - No! - It's the Bat-Kayak. - No! - It's the Bat-Dune buggy. - No! It's the Bat shark repellent? Uh, actually, you can touch that. It's completely useless. Whoa! Thanks, Batman! Please, stand over there. And don't touch, look at, or do anything for the remaining moments you have in my presence. Okay, cool. - Computer. - Go ahead. How do I put the Joker in the Phantom Zone? Joker can only be put in the Phantom Zone using the Phantom Zone Projector. Current location, Superman's Fortress of Solitude inside the Atomic Cauldron. However, only a person that isn't shredded, ripped, or extremely swoll can enter the cauldron. Ugh, I'm way too buff. You also have beautiful abs, sir. That's my cross to bear. Additionally, once inside the cauldron, multiple Kryptonian defense systems engage, including the Acid Moat, Ring of Napalm, and the Jaws of Death. Chance of total mission failure is 110%. Those are not great odds. Wait a minute. - Hey, kid. - Yes, sir? - You're super nimble, right? - I sure am! - And small? - Very. - And quiet? - When I desire to be. And 110% expendable? I don't know what that means, but okay. Great. Follow me. We are gonna steal the Phantom Zone Projector from Superman. - Steal? - Yeah. We have to right a wrong. And, sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right. Gandhi said that. Are we sure Gandhi said that? - I'm paraphrasing. - Cool! Preparing Fortress of Solitude infiltration gear. Wow! Look at all these! Do I get a costume for the mission, too? I got a feeling that you'll just look like a kid on Halloween. Don't you think? Don't touch that. Whoo-hoo! - El Mariachi. - I like that one! - That one is culturally insensitive. - Night Terror. - That one! - No way. - This one? - Death Merchant. - No. - I'm okay. - This one. - Fire Starter. - This one. - Clawed Reigns. - Excali-Bat. - This one? - Silent but Deadly. - Nope. Bat-ryshnikov. How do we feel about this one? Dress-up parties are for grown-ups only. Wait. What's that one there? That one was for the assignment called The Jamaican Caper. The locals called me Reggae Man. I love it! Ah! Feels like I was poured into this. My only trouble is, these pants are just a little tight. I don't know if I could throw a kick or jump in them. I got an idea. Rip! That's better! Now I'm free, now I'm moving. Come on, Batman. Let's get grooving! I can only look you in the eyes right now. - Sir, what are you doing? - What do you mean? Why is Master Dick dressed like that? How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met? To the Batmobile! Hot-diggity-dog! Vehicle rotisserie engaged. Retrieving the Speedwagon. Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed. Hey, kid. Let's go. - Oh, shoot! - What? I probably shouldn't leave until I get the thumbs up from my new old man, Bruce Wayne. Uh, yeah. Here's the thing. Bruno and I decided to share custody of you. So I get a say and you're mission approved. No way! Is this really happening? Yeah. Whoo-hoo! A month ago, I had no dads. Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads! - And one of them is Batman! - Yeah. It's raining dads! So, are you ready to follow Batman and maybe learn a few life lessons along the way? I sure am, Dad Two! But first, where's the seatbelt? The first lesson is, life doesn't give you seatbelts! - Let's go! - Whoo-hoo! Yes! Faster, Dad! Faster! - Whoo! - Yeah! - Whoo! - Yeah! Yes, yes, yes! Oh! Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry. Get back up in that seat. There you go. Hey, listen. As soon as I get back to the Batcave, I'll make sure that Alfred puts seatbelts on there, okay? But for the time being, I'm just gonna put my arm right here. And we're just gonna gently ease out of here. And here we go. Okay. Like all superheroes, Superman has zero friends, and he spends most of his time basking in sweet, sweet isolation, here at his alone palace. So, I'll keep him busy while you sneak into that vent and get the Projector. Got it? Copy that! Oh, here's an idea. I could also... Whoa, whoa. Don't even finish that thought. See this counter? These are all the good ideas Batman has. And no one else has ever had any good ideas. So don't even try. Your super power... ...is excellent listening and execution of my ideas. - Let's try it out. - Cool! Drop to the ground. Do a backflip. Do a front flip. Triple Axel. Pli. Relev. Jet. Pythagorean theorem. A squared plus B squared equals C squared. Physicalize it! A squared plus B squared equals C squared. - How'd I do, Dad? - Mediocre. Yes! And don't call me "Dad." Now, begin mission. Yes, Papa. "Papa" falls into the "Dad" category. 'Sup, Supes? Wow. It's Batman. And he's at my house. Right now. What are you doing here? Don't worry about it, dawg. I'm not here to throw down or anything. Uh, no, I would crush you. Okay. Sure, sure, sure. Hey, listen. Thank me later, but I just happened to be in the hood. And I figured that you could probably use the... ...company. Wait a minute. Are you... Are you having the "57th Annual Justice League Anniversary Party" - without me? - No. No! No! No! No! There must have been some mistake with the email. That's crazy, man. Totally! Yes, email mistakes happen all the time. Sometimes I don't get Superman's emails for years. Great point, G.L. Great point. All right. Well, that clears up everything, right? Enjoy the party, bro. Hit it, DJ Wonder Dog. I'm Superman at the super party I'm Superman at the super party Hey-hey Hey, Batman. Do you wanna take a quick pic? Sure. Where do you want me? Right there is perfect. - Here's the camera. - Oh. Okay, party people, get together. Yeah. Everybody say... Super Friends! Let me see it! Let me see! Classic! We got everyone. Yeah, everyone. Thanks, Batman. Yeah, no problem. I did, like, a burst. This party is the bomb! Look at me! More like Martian Dance Hunter, am I right? 'Puter, call kid. Bat-Dad? How's it going? 'Cause everything is going great down here. I can see the target. But there's some kind of laser energy thing that I can't get through. Okay. I'll see if I can shut it off. But I'm gonna have to make up an excuse to leave this party without anyone noticing. Bye. Kid, tell me when it's off, all right? - Now? - No. - Now? - No. - Now? - Not quite. - Now? - No. - My son... - No. These irreplaceable crystals contain all my knowledge, which I now pass on to... Darn it. It's gotta be one of these. Is this the one? O.M. gosh! You did it, Padre! It's off! Okay. Now you gotta make your way to the Atomic Cauldron and get that Phantom Zone Projector. - Do exactly as I say. - 10-4! Okay. Jump! Do a front flip. Do a backflip. Run, run, run. Drop. That's excellent listening. Shimmy. Strafe-left. Strafe-right. Avoid. Hey, I was thinking. If I'm gonna be a superhero, and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use code names? Mine can be Robin. - I'm sorry, say that again? - Robin! As in the small, Midwestern frail bird? Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase. Tweet, tweet, on the street. - Hard pass. - And a song. Fly, Robin, fly Harder pass. Now slide! Okay, kid. I'm gonna teach you how to masterbuild your way inside that thing. Yay! Grab those 2x6's, pull out the axle studs, disconnect the 6x10 plates. Like this? Whoa! Unbelievable obeying. Now, let's ride. Toes to the nose. Now you're gleaming the cube. - Yeah! - Now, get creative. Freestyle a little bit. Oh, that's good, kid! It's like looking in a Bat-mirror. Okay. Leap. - I've got the Projector, Dad. - Booyah! Now do everything we just did backwards. Oh. Oh! Here you go, Dad. We did it! Yeah! Mission accomplished. That was fun! You okay, Batman? You seem the opposite of stern. Yeah, I'm fine. It's just watching you out there, it was like the world wasn't all darkness anymore. For a brief moment I could have sworn I felt something. That feeling is pride, sir. You're right. I am super proud. Of myself. For being such a good teacher, obviously. Yeah, you're a great teacher. I am? Yeah! I wanna be just like you when I grow up, Padre! Wait, what did you call me? I called you Padre. It's Spanish for "Dad." Sorry. Well, isn't it also a cool Spanish way to say "buddy"? Yeah, I could've been saying it that way. Then I'll allow it. Oh, you're such a great padre! What are you doing? I'm trying to give you a big old hug. Thought you were attacking me. Hey, you up for another top secret superhero mission to defeat the Joker? Oh, I am down to stop that clown. But I don't wanna make my other dad, Bruce Wayne, angry. Do you think we'll be done before my bedtime? Bedtime? Batman's life lesson number two. Vigilantes don't have bedtimes. Yes! So, what's the vigilante policy on cookies? Unlimited! All right, kid. We need to avoid Commissioner Gordon. So, lesson number three. When going stealth, you gotta hide every part of you, physically and emotionally. - Got it? - Yeah! Already failed. Now, what I need you to do is use the naturally dark areas of your costume, and integrate into the dark parts of this environment. Okay. - Can you see me? - Yes. - How about now? - Yes. - What about now? Now? - Yes. Yes. You're a goner, kid. - Batman? - Barbara! Batman? Batman! Hey, there. Look at you. - Who's this? - Hi, police lady. - Is that your son? - Yes, I am. Is that my son... No, that's just weird. It's weirder if it's not your son. Right. No, I don't... I'm not in a relationship or anything. I could have a kid. I mean, if I met the right lady, and if she was just standing right in front of me, and we looked at each other and thought, "Hey, let's do this." "Let's be together." - Batman? - Yes? I hope you're back because you've decided to work together on the Joker case. Uh... Yeah. Absolutely! Great. Ooh. Arkham Asylum. - So, before we question the Joker... - Uh-huh. ...I'm gonna need you to hand over all your weapons. I mean, I don't know if I have anything... Oh! I just got a couple here. There. - Is that it? - Yeah. Oh. Of course. What about the utility belt? Anything in your cape? Under your cowl? And your shoes. There we go. Uh... This is really uncomfortable. Sorry. My shoes are part of my pants. Oops. - Batman? - Yes? Why is your "not son" trying to smuggle the Phantom Zone Projector into Arkham? What? Hey, kid. What is this? Batman, give me the Phantom Zone Projector. - No. - Batman! Give me the Phantom Zone Projector! Give it to me! No, no, no! Whoa! Nice. I studied Brazilian jiu-jitsu at Harvard for Police. Oh, yeah? Well, guess who got a PhD in smoke bombs! Dr. Batman. Guards! Get them! Freeze, Batman! Hey, kid. This is a training exercise. These guys are my bros. - Go ahead and take a couple of them out. - Cool! - Hey, Frank. - You want a piece of Robin? - Barney! Nice compound fracture! - How'd you like a punch, Glen? Code Red! I need total security lockdown, now! Om! 'Sup, Joker? Namaste, Batman. - Namaste. - Gross. Ooh. Briefs man. Me, too. Cut the baloney. Kid, guard the door, will ya? On it! Take that, Alan! Huh. Looks like you're going to a lot of trouble for little old me. I must be your greatest enemy after all. Right, Batman? - I see what you're trying to do. - And what is that? You're trying to entrap me into a relationship. - Really? - Yeah, and it's not gonna work. Oh, yes, it is. Because I'm inside your head. - No, you're not! - No, you're not! I knew you'd say that. - No, you didn't! - No, you didn't! And I knew you'd say that! See? We aren't so different, I and you. - It's, "you and I!" - It's, "you and I!" - Argh! - Admit it. I'm your greatest enemy. You're not my greatest enemy, Joker. Okay, then send me to the Phantom Zone. Fine, I will. And prove I'm your greatest enemy. Batman, don't do this. As long as you're in the Phantom Zone, I'll be saving Gotham City, and that's all that matters to me. Goodbye, Joker. Oh, Batman, thank you! Yes! That's what I call saving the city again! Batman, what are you doing? I'm Batman-ing. I'm Batman, I'm awesome I got a nine-pack Stop it! Batman, I can't believe you did this. Hi, police lady. And even worse, you've made this kid into an accessory to your crime. Sorry, kid. That's okay, ma'am. As long as I'm doing a dime in the big house with my old man, everything's gonna be A-okay. Officers, take this Projector to the evidence room. - You got it. - And get this man some pants. I'm good the way I am. B Go, why has nobody fist bumped me yet? You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be you, Batman. I wanted to be as strong and as fast and as smart as Batman. But you're not who I thought you were. Uh... What do you mean? You can't be a hero if you only care about yourself. Barbara, I... I think you're underestimating the importance of the Joker being in the Phantom Zone. Really, it's kind of a stroke of genius. All the... Hey, where are you going? I just put Joker in the one place he can't do anyone any harm. Yeah. But what if you just gave Joker exactly what he wanted?        
  • (Dissolve to show the Joker landing in the Phantom Zone)       
  • Joker: Oh! Whoa! Look at this place! Am I being too loud?        
  • (he places his elbow on a Lego piece behind him, which suddenly comes to life)        
  • Phyllis: (behind the Joker) Hi!        
  • Joker: Oh, my gosh!        
  • Phyllis: Sorry. I always do that.        
  • Joker: How about a warning next time?        
  • Phyllis: You're so right, and I am so wrong. Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy.        
  • Joker: (sarcasm) Yeah, "bad guy".        
  • Phyllis: My name is Phyllis.        
  • Joker: Oh, that was my grandma's name.        
  • Phyllis: Now hold still while I scan you. Scanning for badness. Trying to assess whether you are bad. Ugh! Your whole thing screams "bad guy."        
  • (on-screen we see flashes of Joker's scenes)        
  • Joker: Oh, yeah. I'm a really bad person.        
  • Phyllis: But with vulnerabilities.        
  • Joker: Who, me? No way. So, where do you keep all the other bad people in this place?        
  • Phyllis: They're standing right behind you.        
  • (pull back to show a multitude of bad guys surrounding Joker)       
  • Joker: Whoa! Hi there, guys. Lovely to meet you all. I'm the... Oh, fist bump? There we... Handshake? It doesn't matter. I'm the Joker.        
  • Indominus rex: Take a look at the new guy. Guess they'll just let anybody in here.        
  • Joker: Oh, no, no, no. I'm very bad, too. They just showed a video montage...        
  • Velociraptor Delta: Boring!        
  • Joker: What?        
  • Agent Smith: You're boring.        
  • King Kong: He looks delicious. Let's eat this guy.        
  • Joker: Stop with the violence for just a second! What if I told you I could get you outta here?        
  • Sauron: I'm sorry, what'd you just say?        
  • Joker: That's right. I'm so bad, I got myself thrown into this heck-hole on purpose!        
  • Godzilla: I'm listening.        
  • Mako sharks: Count me interested.        
  • Joker: Look, everyone here knows what it's like to be hurt by a hero, don't they? We've all been taken for granted, right?        
  • Galbatorix: Yeah, bro.     
  • Joker: Well, that's why I came to this space prison. To recruit the universe's greatest...        
  • Daleks: We'll do it!        
  • Joker: I'm sorry?        
  • Xenomorph Warrior: You were going to say something about recruiting the universe's greatest villains to conquer a superhero.        
  • Berserker Predator: - Am I right?        
  • Joker: Uh, yeah.        
  • Saruman: Well, we're in!        
  • Joker: Yay! Really? Because I brought a PowerPoint...        
  • (he takes out a laptop)        
  • Indominus rex: Still boring!        
  • Mako sharks: Yeah. Just get on with it.        
  • Galbatorix: You want us to humiliate him?        
  • Joker: (keeps the laptop) I certainly do. Yes.        
  • Godzilla: You want us to make him grovel at your feet?        
  • Joker: I would like to see that very much!        
  • Kraken: You want us to smite him?        
  • Joker: Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.        
  • Sauron: You want us to make the rivers of Gotham City run red with his blood? Oh, that's... Oh, no blood? How do you feel about lava?        
  • Joker: Yes! Lava.        
  • Agent Smith: Done.        
  • Velociraptor Charlie: Yay!        
  • King Kong: I can't wait to crush buildings.        
  • Xenomorph Drone: Excuse me. Hello?        
  • Falcon Predator: Over here. I don't want to be a downer, but how exactly are we going to get outta this place?        
  • Joker: Oh, leave that to me.        
  • (in Arkham Asylum, where a pair of guards are transporting the Phantom zone projector in an ascending lift)       
  • First guard: Don't wanna jinx us, but I'll be a lot happier when this Phantom Zone Projector is locked up tight.        
  • (the elevator suddenly stops and Harley Quinn is standing outside)       
  • Second guard: Going up, ma'am?        
  • Harley Quinn: No. You're going down!        
  • Both guards: Look out!        
  • (Harley hammers them literally with her weapon)       
  • Harley Quinn: Smash! I guess you're right. I AM going up. Ding!        
  • (she goes to the rooftop with the projector, and selects RELEASE ALL INMATES option)       
  • Here comes the... Phantom Zone! Huh? I'm gonna go start looting.        
  • Joker (VO): Hello, Gotham City! The Clown Prince of Crime is back!        
  • Commissioner Gordon, you gotta take a look at this.        
  • What's that?        
  • Joker: A monkey and dog are friends.        
  • Not that. THAT!        
  • Joker: And I've come to finally take over the city. But in order to do that, I need to break my friends out of a giant, scary prison.        
  • - Hey, guys, he means us!        
  • - Yay!        
  • Joker: And no, I ain't talking about those rogue losers dressed in cosplay!        
  • - Oh!        
  • - Me-ouch.        
  • Joker (VO): I'm talking about my new peeps! And they're just like me. The greatest villains you'll ever see. You wanna meet them?        
  • - No.        
  • Joker: (borrowing Bad Cop's line when he smashes the cup from Emett's hand) Too bad. He's evil, he's magic, and it's about to get tragic. It's Voldemort.        
  • Voldemort: (again using Metal Beard's tale of woe) Magic! You are a fish. (somebody turns into a fish) You are a frog. (somebody turns into a frog) You are a fish frog. (somebody turns into a fish-frog)        
  • Joker (VO): He's a 9,000-year-old incarnation of evil, with an eye for jewelry. Give it up for Sauron!        
  • Sauron: Good afternoon, Gotham City.        
  • Joker (VO): He likes long, violent walks on historic buildings. It's King Kong!        
  • King Kong: Come at me, Gotham!        
  • Commissioner Gordon, these monsters, they're too powerful. Can you contain them to downtown?        
  • That's gonna be impossible. Half the police force are fish! Sergeant Jackson! Stop floppin' around!        
  • Joker (VO): And rounding out the evil all-stars, Wicked Witch! Medusa. And British robots!        
  • Daleks: Exterminate!        
  • Joker (VO): Ask your nerd friends. Hello? Bad guys? What a crew, huh? And they all work for me! Who's the greatest villain of them all now, Batman?
  • Still not you.
  • Actually, this does look pretty terrifying, Bat-Dad.
  • Whee! Nice destruction all around. Watch your step! Good work, guys! Now, all that's left for me is to rub it in Batman's bat face. Hey, Sauron, doesn't your flaming eye have a unique ability to peer through time and space? - Uh-huh. - Well, I need to find Batman. Where's homeboy's man cave? Hmm. Give me a second. Scary noise. It's beneath Wayne Manor! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a sec. Are you trying to tell me that Bruce Wayne is Batman... ...'s roommate? Uh... Yeah. Evil army, this way to the Batcave! Good grief! Hey, Batman! Joker's home. I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff. We're going to have to rename this the Butt-mobile. Hey, evil army. I need Batman brought here. Now go get him! Joker out! Uh... Padre? Yeah? Do you ever get scared? No. Yeah, that's what I figured, 'cause you're Batman. Hey, kid. You know who does get scared? Who? Bruce Wayne. - Really? - Yeah. Bruno told me once that sometimes the only way to get out of a down moment is to start boxing. And by "boxing," he meant beatboxing. Oh! Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na... Feel it, uh-huh Dick Grayson on the mic, go Oh. Um... Oh, my gosh. This does make me feel better. Okay. Shh. Batman solo. Bat, bat, bat, can I get a bat? Can I get a bat? Bat... The Bat-Fax! Ha! The city needs me. Bang, bang, bang! Excuse me. Can you get the commissioner and show her this? - Batman. - Would you stop doing that? I sent the Bat-Fax. I hate to say this, but you're right. The city needs you. Yes! Let me out. I'm only going to let you out on one condition. - Name it. - You can't do it by yourself. Fine. Who am I working with? SEAL Team Six? Fox Force Five? Suicide Squad? No. Me. Oh, I wanna help, too! - And I shall join as well. - Whoa! Alfred Pennyworth at your service, ma'am. - How did you... - Alfred, you gotta let me out of here. Sir, those creatures out there are unlike anything we've ever seen. Speak for yourself. You don't know everything I've seen. I haven't told you everything. And you'll never be able to defeat them alone. And it'll be more fun if we all do it together! What's the worst thing that could happen? What are you so afraid of? The thing I'm most afraid of? I gotta be honest with you. It's snake clowns. Yeah, that's not a thing. Well then, nothing. - I'm not afraid of anything. - Okay. Prove it. - Oh, I will. - Good. Do you know what the B-A- in Batman stands for? - Not really. - Best At Teamwork. Best At Teamwork Man is my full name. Yay! We're going on a family trip. This is not a family trip. I can wear my costume, too. Well, luckily for us, you left your costume back at the... - Rip! - Oh! Nope. Under your clothes. That's perfect. - Rip! - Alfred, what are you doing? I miss the '60s. Hey, can Scarecrow help? - Yeah! - He's destroying our city, too! Permit us to lend you assistance. Yeah. Why don't we use these guys? What am I gonna do? Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the criminals? That's a stupid idea. Okay, guys. Game plan. Joker's taken the Projector - to Wayne Manor. - Wayne Manor. Right. Thanks, Batman. - We need that Projector. - Projector. Or there's no way - to blast these monsters... - Monsters. - ...back to the Phantom Zone. - Phantom Zone? Yep. Batman, I really don't need you to finish my... - Sand castles. - No. - Sister's homework. - No. - Succulent something. - No. Um... Everybody? Batman is in Arkham Asylum. Get him! Okay, everyone, grab on to me. Whoa! We've gotta take cover! Whoa! - Joker has eyes on us. - Where? No! I mean, he literally has a giant eye on us. I think that thing can see our every move! Shaka-laka-Iako. We've got to destroy it, or we'll never make it to Wayne Manor. Uh... Bat-Dad? I really think you should see this. Building survey! This building's not up to code! Gotcha. Is that real lava? I'm okay. All right, yeah. It's 100% lava. - Everyone, start throwing me bricks. - Right away, sir. - I need a 4x6. Come on, quick. - Here you go. - I need an elbow. - Elbow. Ow! Whoo! Yes! I did it. Pretty cool, huh? - Batman? - Yeah? Why did you build this thing with only one seat? 'Cause last I checked, I only had one butt. What the... What have you done to Wayne Manor? Hey, Batman, guess what! I found out one of your secrets. - Uh-oh. - What do we have here, Batman? It looks like a bunch of relationship comedies. - What's that one? - Must Love Dogs. Must love crying. - Marley & Me. - I love the ending. Oh! Serendipity? We have Serendipity? I love that movie! For a loner, Batman, you sure like movies about relationships! Oh! And look what else I found! All your wonderful toys. Accio lightning storm! Uh... Everyone, hold on. Gremlins, dismantle that plane now! Ugly monsters on our three. - Uh... Padre? - Not now, kid. Kind of got my hands full. I've got good tone. Firing. - Uh... Batman? - What's up, buddy? - Are we nearly at Wayne Manor? - Why? Uh... Your number two needs to go number one. I thought I told you to go back at the prison. - I tried, but Bane was in there. - So? He had sort of a "get out of this bathroom now" vibe. I knew I shouldn't have given you that water. Can you hold it in like a big boy? Engine one down. Not a big deal. Don't worry about it. It's fine. - Engine two down. - It does that sometimes. We've lost engine three. Oh. Could live without it. Engine four! That I do need to fix. Good news. Our bathroom problem is solved. You three wait here while I go fix the engine. Don't worry, Batman. You fix the Batwing, I'll fly. All good, Babs. I've got my autopilot on it. Done. Autopilot? That's just a rope! Exactly. All right, guys. Until I get back, rope's in charge. Thanks, rope. All right, let's see. Yes, the piston brake out here. Jet engine brake in here and... Get out of here. No. Give me... No! Stop it! Come on, Master Dick. We need to help him. I'm with you, Grandpa! Get off my Padre! Unhand him, you animatronic fiends. What are you two doing here? I told you to stay in the cockpit. You disobeyed me. You're on a timeout. Batman, you're on a timeout. What? Alfred, you better un-timeout me right now! No. Not until you un-timeout Master Dick. Guys, you're all un-timeouted! We have incoming! - Sir! Watch out for those... - What are you doing? Okay. Everybody, timeout off. Whoo-hoo! I've been parented. - Batman, I can help you. - No. Protect the rope. The rope is fine! Save Master Dick! I'm fine. I'll just do one of my gymnastics moves to... No! Dick... Gotcha! Hold on, Alfred. I'm almost there! No! Alfred! No. No! Move over, rope. Hold on! Gotcha! Barbara, did you see that? Batrope saved Alfred. Sick moves, rope. I never doubted you, bro. Actually, sir, Ms. Gordon saved him. Rope! You lied to me! Wait a minute. You mean, without you, Alfred would have been street meat? Batman, trust us. We can do this. - Yeah. I know Gymkata. - Sorry, what's that? It's a gymnastics-based martial art. I can punch those '80s monsters off the plane. Uh... Okay. Multiple bogeys on our six. Sir, I'll get them off our back. I was a tail gunner for the Royal Air Force. Locked and loaded, sir! Good. Love that! I got an idea. We're gonna change course. I want you to fly straight into that flaming eyeball. - What? - Barbara, trust me. All right. Let's do this. We got a giant sea monster, 12 o'clock! Got it. - We've got his attention. - He's tracking us. I've got you now. Eat dirt! Bob's your uncle, you ruddy duff cobblers! Okay, Babs, this is it. Fly us straight into that eye, and wait for my signal. Can it come now? Can we make the signal thing happen? Almost there. Almost there! - Fire! - Almost there! That fire's coming in hot! Hot, hot, hot! Now! Barbara, dive bomb! My eye! Sauron! Nothing to see. Whoo-hoo! - Yes! That was so rad! - We did it, everyone! That was so great! Go team! Come on, let's hear it for us! That was incredible! I felt so jazzed! I say "jazzed"! I gotta give it to you, Batman. That was awesome. - Ha! And you were awesome. - Thanks. - And you were awesome. - I love compliments! And you were awesome, and I was amazing. I'm not trying to make it about myself, obviously. But I just wanna make sure that everyone gets a pat on the back. - Because it feels good. - It does feel good. You had a good idea, you had a good idea, and you had a good idea, and I had a great idea. You know what, I think that collectively, I'm gonna add... ...one. - No way! - Yes! Man, that feels good. Best team ever! Let's take a photo! All right, everyone, squeeze together. Hang on a second. - Nice and close! - I gotta get my pump on. - It's worth it. - Okay, everybody in? These abs are no fluke. Everyone say, "Bat Family!" Bat Family! Ooh, let's take a look! Look at that! - Splendid. - Wow. Didn't it turn out great? Hey, guys! It's my first family photo! - Hey, Bat-Dad. - Oh! Whoa. What are you doing? I'm trying to give you a big, old H-U-G. Okay, just... Batman, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. We are just one big happy fraternity of people who did an awesome job together. I can't think of any other way to put that. - Cool. - So, guys, listen up! Taking the Projector from the Joker is gonna be our most dangerous mission yet. - A family battle mission! - Right. Salvage what you can out of the Scuttler, and maybe root around, see if you can find a few Vitamin waters or something, and then we'll head out. - Right away, sir. - Anything for you, Padre. I think I'll need snowshoes. Yeah, I don't think you'll need snowshoes, but could you grab that flashlight? - Batman? - Padre? Sir? What are you doing? Hey, Batman. Please, wait! 'Puter. Yes, sir? I'm locking in some coordinates now. Take the Scuttler to the taco stand on the border of Gotham City and Bldhaven. No! I want you to get these guys a couple of chimichangas - and three Jarritos. - Sir! And then keep them there until this whole attack on Gotham City blows over. Padre, please. Don't do this! Batman, you need us! How many times I gotta tell you? Batman works alone. No, we have to stick together. Please. Now go on, Scuttler. Go! - Go! Just get outta here. - Batman. - Padre! - Get moving! Please! Just go. Batman! Please, wait! Scuttler, move out! You're doing the wrong thing! - Listen to me! Don't do this! - Sir, please. Sir! No! Scanning for intruders. Scanning for intruders. Scanning for intruders. Hi, Bats. What have you done to my... Bruce Wayne's house? You'd better hope he's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy. What happened to all your friends? I don't need friends. I don't need anyone to stop you. Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you'd changed. But, no. You pushed them away. You've run away from every other person in your life. But I'm the one you're always chasing. Is this about that stupid "greatest enemy" thing? No, it's not. Not anymore. - You tell him, Joker! - It's time for a fresh start. He's not worth it. I think after 78 years, I deserve respect! That is right. Respect! Do you realize that you have never once said the words, "I hate you, Joker"? Not once. Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now. That's for darn sure. Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I... hate you. - Aww! - That's nice. Now you say it. Me, too. You won't. You won't change. 'Cause you can't. You won't, and you can't. Batman will never change. You know what, boo-boo? Just shut it down. These diseased lunatics are right. Yes, we are! I am not gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer! - Yes! - What are you talking about? - You and I are done! - What is wrong with you? I'm moving on! That's ridiculous. And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City! No. You're not serious. Wingardium Leviosa! No! You know what? For once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy. Your greatest enemy is you. - Goodbye, Batman. - Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Good for you, boo-boo! - Yay! - Everybody, get a bomb. Let's go. - Bomb, bomb, bomb. Let's bomb it out. - Yay! Say goodbye, Gotham City! - Whoa. - Hi! Whoa! Oh, I am so sorry. It was all my fault, I keep doing that. Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy. What are you talking about? I'm not a bad guy. But you're all in black. You have a cape. And you wear a big, scary mask. Well, I'm not. And you kicked me in the face. Listen, I'm Batman. Oof! You even sound like a bad guy. I swear, I am a good guy. Okay, Mr. Batman. Hold still while I scan you. Scanning for badness. Yes, sir? - You're super nimble, right? - I sure am! And 110% expendable? I don't know what that means, but okay. - How'd I do, Dad? - Mediocre. - Yes! - And don't call me Dad. Sorry. Alfred, put that kid on the next jet to the orphanage. But doesn't he deserve a chance for someone to take him under their wing, as I took you under mine? Listen, you don't have a family. So what do you know about having a surrogate son? Batman! We have to stick together. Please. Joker, you mean nothing to me. No one does. Huh. You're not a traditional bad guy. But you're not exactly a good guy, either. - Batman? - Padre? You even abandoned your friends. What? Go on, Scuttler. Go. - Batman, no. No! - Don't do this! Abandoned? No. No, I was trying to protect them. By pushing them away? Well, yeah. Are they really the ones you're protecting? Computer, Batman's in danger. Please, Computer, take us back! Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm? Batman programmed me to obey him. But he didn't say to not not rescue him. What are they doing? Come on, guys. Let's hustle. Gotham City's not gonna blow itself up. Well, hello! 'Puter, go to super-secret stealth mode. - Hold on! - No! Evil buddies, those are my last three painful reminders of Batman. Run! Come on, Alfred. This way. Wait, where's Dick? The little guy? He's over there. Initializing Batcave operating system. What's he doing? I've gotta save my family! Just think. - What would Batman do? - What? I know. Not listen to anyone else. Be mean to people. Destroy as much property as possible. Talk in a really low, gravelly voice. And go it alone. Kid, don't do that. Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed. Don't do what I would do! I never even taught you how to drive! Hold on a second, Brick Lady. I'm so sorry. I need to get down there and stop this. I can't let you go. My boss will be really mad at me. Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here. Hmm. She sure would. Then let me try. Let me get down there and help them. But haven't you tried that before? This way, Alfred. You do the same thing over and over. What's gonna change? No! I know what I need to do. Just give me 24 hours, and I'll come back. Whoa! You've gotta let me go down there and save them. I'll do whatever you want. - Please. - Exterminate! Please. Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here. I promise. And I mean all of them. One of these buttons has to save my friends. Self-destruct mode activated. Self what? - Master Dick! - No! Dick! Look who's bat! What? Everyone okay? Dick, Alfred, Barbara. - Are you guys... - We're fine, Batman. Listen, I just wanted to say that I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really... s-s-s... Soooo... Sorry? Yeah. Whoo! I did it! I don't even know why you bothered coming back. I was afraid. What? The reason I came back was the same reason I left you. I was afraid of feeling the pain you feel when you lose someone close to you. Gotham needs us. So I came back to do this. Flip. Flip? What is that? I don't... You gotta turn around. I call it the Babs-Signal. And I'm flipping the switch for you. Because saving this city is too big a job for one person. Flip, flip. So, what do you say, Commish? Will you work with me? I need your help. I thought you'd never ask. I'm very, very proud of you, sir. But there's still only four of us against Joker's entire army. That's why I called in some backup. Flip! Flip! Flip! Flip! - Whoa! - We saw your signal, and we came to help. Joker may be done with us, but we're not done with him. We will be the Joker's reckoning. Joker said mean stuff to us. You were right, Barbara. It takes a village. Not a Batman. Okay. Everybody, listen up. These monsters want to destroy Gotham City. That's right. We need sick new vehicles. An arsenal of advanced weaponry. Costumes that suit our individual personalities. Rip! And code names to use on our walkie-talkies. Call it out! Your name is Lady Bat. - Lady Bat? - Bat Lady. - Veto! Nope. What? - El Batarina. Soccer Mom... Bat? How about a cool costume? Nice! That one's called Batgirl. If you call me Batgirl, can I call you Batboy? And lastly, a coordinated attack strategy, and a kick-butt theme song! Robin? My superhero code name. Oh, yeah. Hit it! Got it! No! Absolutely not. This music is filling me with rage. Let's use it! All right, team. I'm going to need to know your special powers. I'm a giant clay person! - I'm irritating. - I have a sack for a face. I make unpredictable decisions. I raise the stakes! I can squirt ketchup! Nice! Orca. I'm a whale! Oh, we got this covered! Go team! Whale, yeah! Shh. Quiet. Who's laying down those funky beats? - We are! - Meow, meow! Batman? Evil army, get rid of them! Team Gotham Family, activate! Voldy's got this. Here we go! Yeah! Bombarda! Smash! Smash! Smash! - Whoa. - Batman, take out Joker's bomb. I'll get that Projector! 10-4, Co-Go. Freeze, Clayface, take this guy out! Coming through! Okay, Alfred, bring the pain. Bringing it, sir. For Queen and country! You just got Union Jacked! Robin, get ready. I'm about to teach you some father-and-son stuff. First, driving. - Put your hands at 10 and 2. - Okay. Now, fly! Turn left! Run over these skeletons. Now drive up the wall! - Great driving. - Thanks, Padre. Yeah! Okay, Robin. Together, we're gonna punch these guys so hard, words describing the impact are gonna spontaneously materialize out of thin air. Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! High five! Stop moving around, you Muggles. All right, team, let's shut him down. Orca! You're up, baby! You wanna see a magic trick? I'm gonna make you disappear. - Wingardium Levio... - Me-yoink! Wingardium Levio... Shut up! No! Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy! Fudgecake! Whoo! Here we go, Bat Team! Batman, think fast! Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy! Robin, go long. - Nice grab. - Yeah! Oh, my gosh. Yes! Here you go, Grandpa. Hey, Batman! Get off my padre! It wasn't useless after all. End this, Batgirl! Adis, shark. Okay, BRB, guys. I'm gonna go defuse that... This is the end of Gotham City! As I predicted, we're doomed! We're not doomed. I got this. Everyone, grab on to me. Gotcha. Come on, guys. We need to hold this city together. Batrope, no! Everybody, run! No! We have to stick together. Right, Batman? We need to use our heads! Maybe we should build something together. - Heads. - Stick together. - Build something. - Together. - Build. - Together. Together. We should build something together. I got it. You're right, Babs. We need to stick together. Literally. Robin, quick. Give me a boost. On it, Padre. We're gonna stick together, using our heads, and the most powerful weapon of all. Shredded abs. Let's do this. - Meow, meow. - Yeah, let's do this. - Ready? - Here we go. You got this, Alfred? Yes, sir. Abs of steel. Great! Now you bend, and I'll grab the other side! No! - Batman, what's going on? - Are you okay? I've got you. Joker! Please, help us! No! I'm not gonna help you. At least if this city is destroyed, I'll die knowing I'm your greatest enemy! I'm gonna have to die to know it. Shut up, Joker! If there's no Gotham, then I'll never get to fight you again. What? You're the reason why I get up at 4:00 in the afternoon and pump iron until my chest is positively sick. You're the reason I've given up a life spent with Russian ballerinas and lady activewear models. And if it wasn't for you, I never would have learned how connected I am with all these people. And you. So if you help me save Gotham, you'll help me save us. You just said "us." Yeah. Batman and the Joker. What do you say? You had me at shut up. How are your abs, bro? Too much flab, not enough ab. Why? Because I need you to crunch them. Citizens of Gotham, we need all of you to join us and help bring this city back together. I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I hate you, Joker. - I hate you, too. - I hate you more. I hate you the most. I hate you forever. Splendid! We did it, everyone! Bane is feeling warm and fuzzy. Padre, where are you going? I made a promise. I gotta go back to the Phantom Zone. Sorry, kid. Padre, please. Don't call me Padre. Okay. Call me... Dads. My two dads are the same dad. But they're both leaving. It's gonna be okay, kid. Sometimes, losing people is part of life. But that doesn't mean you stop letting them in. Some very wise people taught me that. My father figure. My platonic coworker buddy, who's a girl, but just a friend. And you. Mi hijo. It's Spanish for "son." This is my family, but it's your family, too. Do you have a knife? Why? 'Cause someone needs to cut the tension between the two of us immediately. Okay. I deserved that. - Hi. - Wait a minute. What's going on? I came back, just like I said I would. You know, Mr. Batman, when you're a talking brick, working at the Phantom Zone, you see a lot of crazy things. But I've finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself and make a change. Who? - Superman. - What? I'm kidding. It's you. Well, I guess I'll be seeing you on the streets, Batman. I guess so. Catch you later, Joker. Let's go, gang. Wait a minute, we're not just gonna let these criminals go, right? Ah, come on, Commish. Let's face it. Those guys are no match for the four of us. We'll give them a 30-minute head start. Besides, you can't fight crime on an empty stomach. Hey, Computer? We're home! What is the password? Iron Man sucks! When Dad and me were fighting, I was giving them my best one-liners. You complete me. Holy family photo, Batman. I love it! White. All important movies end with a white screen. And tying up loose ends. We're coming for you, Gotham City! Like this snake clowns bit. - Snake clowns? - Told you they were real. Did you stick wigs onto snakes? - Maybe. - That is so weird. Can I play that song I wrote for the end credits? - That is a hard pass. - Come on. No! Let the kid play whatever music he wants. - No, no, no! - Please? - No. - Padre? Fine. 'Puter. Okay, sir. Yay! Now playing Robin's happy, poppy music. The kind that makes parents and studio executives happy. Come on, everyone! - Come on, Batman! - No!
  • Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.