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The Desolation of Smaug
[first lines; old Bilbo is in Bag End and looking at old relics from his adventures]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I have told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it. I am old now Frodo. I’m not the same hobbit I once was. I think it is time for you to know what really happened.
[old Bilbo begins writing about his adventures]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] It began long ago in a land far away to the East. The like of which you will not find in the world today.
[cut to map showing the city of Dale]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] There was the city of Dale. Its markets known far and wide, full of the bounties of vine and vale, peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-Earth, Erebor. Stronghold of Thror, king under the mountain. The mightiest of the dwarf lords. Thror ruled with utter surety, never doubting his house would endure, for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson. Ah, Frodo. Erebor. Built deep within the mountain itself, the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth, in precious gems hewn from rock, and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the dwarves was unequaled. Fashioning objects of great beauty, out of diamond, emerald, ruby and sapphire. Ever they delved deeper down into the dark, and that is where they found it. The heart of the mountain, the Arkenstone. Thror named it the king's jewel. He took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him. Even the great Elven king, Thranduil. But the years of peace and plenty were not to last. Slowly the days turned sour, and the watchful nights closed in.
[Thorin watches his father, Thror growing obsessed with the gold he's gathered in his castle]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Thror's love of gold had grown too fierce. A sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives bad things will follow. The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane, coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot dry wind.
Thorin: Balin, sound the alarm. Call out the guards, do it now!
Balin: What is it?
[Thorin turns, runs inside and shouts out the warning]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] He was a Firedrake from the North.
[Smaug starts attacking Erebor by breathing fire everywhere]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Smaug had come!
[Smaug starts destroying the city of Dale]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Such wanton death was dealt that day, for this city of men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire.
[as Smaug starts attacking Erebor, Thror takes the Arkenstone and makes a run for it, then he sees Smaug finding all the hidden gold]
[Thorin finds Thror and grabs a hold of him, dragging him away from the scene]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Erebor was lost. For a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives.
[as everyone left in Erebor is making a run for it]
Thorin: Run for your lives!
[to the Elves who are watching from a distance]
Thorin: Help us!
[Thranduil does nothing]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wrath of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day. Nor any day since.
[Thorin watches in anger as the Elves leave]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Robbed of their homeland, the dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness. The once mighty people brought low. The young dwarf prince took work where he could find it, laboring in the villages of men. But always, he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon, the trees like torches blazing bright, where he had seen dragon fire in the sky, and a city turn to ash. And he never forgave, and he never forgot.
[back to old Bilbo in Bag End continuing to write his story]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] That, my dear Frodo, is where I come in. For quite by chance, and the will of a wizard, fate decided I would become part of this tale. It began... well, it began as you might expect. In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a hobbit hole. And that means good food, a warm hearth, and all the comforts of home.
[as Bilbo is writing his adventures down, Frodo enters the room bringing him his mail]
Old Bilbo: Thank you.
[referring to the picture of Bilbo drawn when he was young]
Frodo: What's this?
Old Bilbo: That is private. Keep your sticky paws off!
[Frodo tries to lean in to read from the book but Bilbo closes it]
Old Bilbo: It's not ready yet.
Frodo: Not ready for what?
Old Bilbo: Reading.
[Bilbo flicks through his mail]
Old Bilbo: What on earth are these?
Frodo: Replies to the party invitations.
Old Bilbo: Ah! Good gracious! Is it today?
Frodo: They all say they're coming, except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.
Old Bilbo: Are they, indeed. Over my dead body.
Frodo: They'd probably find that quite agreeable. They seem to think you have tunnels overflowing with gold.
Old Bilbo: It was one small chest, hardly overflowing. And it still smells of troll.
[Bilbo starts hiding his silverware and expensive household items]
Frodo: What on earth are you doing?
Old Bilbo: Taking precautions. You know I caught her making off with the silverware once.
Old Bilbo: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She had all my spoons stuffed in her pockets. Dreadful woman. Make sure you keep an eye on her after I'm... When I'm... when...
Frodo: When you're... what?
Old Bilbo: It's nothing. Nothing.
Frodo: You know, some people are beginning to wonder about you, uncle.
Old Bilbo: Hmm?
Frodo: They think you’re becoming odd.
Old Bilbo: Odd?
Frodo: Well, unsociable.
Old Bilbo: Unsociable, me? Nonsense. Be a good lad and put that on the gate.
[he gives Frodo the sign he’s just written, ‘no admittance, except on party business’, which Frodo nails onto the gate as Bilbo steps out of Bag End]
Frodo: Do you think he’ll come?
Old Bilbo: Who?
Old Bilbo: Oh, he wouldn’t miss a chance to let off his whiz poppers. He’ll give us quite a show, you’ll see.
Frodo: Right then. I am off.
Old Bilbo: Off to where?
Frodo: Eastfarthing woods. I’m going to surprise him.
Old Bilbo: Well, go on then. You don’t want to be late.
[Frodo runs off]
[Bilbo settles outside on his bench to smoke, reminiscing about his adventures]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] He doesn’t approve being late. Not that I ever was. In those days, I was always on time. I was entirely respectable, and nothing unexpected…ever happened.
[scene is cut to 60 years earlier; young Bilbo sits on the very same bench, smoking, when he is interrupted by Gandalf]
Bilbo: Good morning.
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?
Bilbo: All of them at once, I suppose.
[Gandalf looks at Bilbo thoughtfully making Bilbo feel uncomfortable]
Bilbo: Can I help you?
Gandalf: It remains to be seen. I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure.
Bilbo: An adventure? No, I don’t imagine anyone west of Bree, would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner!
[Bilbo gets up to collect his mail from his mailbox and awkwardly backs away]
Bilbo: Good morning!
[Bilbo turns and starts walking back towards his front door]
Gandalf: To think that I should have lived to be good- morninged by Belladonna Took’s son, as if I was selling buttons at the door!
[Bilbo turns in surprise]
Bilbo: Beg your pardon?
Gandalf: You’ve changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins.
Bilbo: I’m sorry, do I know you?
Gandalf: Well you know my name, although you don’t remember I belong to it. I’m Gandalf, and Gandalf means…me!
Bilbo: Gandalf? Not Gandalf, the wandering wizard who made such excellent fireworks? Old Took used to have them on Midsummer’s Eve! Well! I had no idea you were still in business.
Gandalf: And where else should I be?
Gandalf: Well, I’m pleased to find you remember something about me, even if it’s only my fireworks.
[Gandalf nods to himself]
Gandalf: Well that’s decided. It’ll be very good for you, and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others.
Bilbo: Inform the who…? What…?! No! No! No, wait.
[Bilbo walks up towards his front door and turns]
Bilbo: We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today, not… I suggest you try over the hill or…across the water. Good morning.
[he goes in closes and locks the door, he hears a noise and we see Gandalf marking his door with a rune, Bilbo looks out his window and sees Gandalf staring right back at him, Bilbo quickly looks away, he then sees Gandalf walking away]
[later that evening, Bilbo cooks his dinner and he’s about to start eating when he’s interrupted by his door bell ringing, he opens the door to find a dwarf standing there]
Dwalin: At your service.
Bilbo: Hm. Uh…Bilbo…Baggins…at yours.
[Dwalin steps inside]
Bilbo: Do we know each other?
Dwalin: No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here?
Bilbo: Is…Is what down where?
[he throws his coat at Bilbo]
Dwalin: He said there’d be food, and lots of it.
Bilbo: He…he said? Who said?
[Dwalin enters the kitchen, sits down helping himself to Bilbo’s supper]
Dwalin: Very good this. Any more?
Bilbo: What? Uh…oh…uh yes, yes.
[Bilbo brings him a plate of scones, sneaking a few off the plate for himself]
Bilbo: Help yourself.
[Dwalin starts stuffing his mouth with the scones]
Bilbo: Hmm. It’s just that, um…I wasn’t expecting company.
[as Dwalin continues to stuff his face with Bilbo’s food, the door bell rings again]
Dwalin: That’ll be the door.
[Bilbo opens the door to find another dwarf standing there]
Balin: Balin. At your service.
Bilbo: Good evening.
Balin: Yes. Yes, it is. Although I think it might rain later.
[Balin steps inside]
Balin: Am I late?
Bilbo: Late…for what?
[Balin notices Dwalin]
Balin: Ooh! Ah-hah! Evening, brother!
Dwalin: By my beard! You are shorter and wider than last we met.
Balin: Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us.
[they both laugh, then suddenly they headbutt each other in greeting and ignore Bilbo]
Bilbo: Uh…excuse me. Sorry. I hate to interrupt. Uh…but the thing is I’m not entirely sure you’re in the right house.
[they start raiding Bilbo’s pantry]
Balin: Have you eaten?
Bilbo: It’s not that I don’t like visitors. I…I like visitors as much as the next *hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come visiting.
[picking up something that looks like cheese]
Dwalin: What is this?
Balin: I don’t know. I think it’s supposed to be cheese, it’s gone blue.
Bilbo: The thing is, um…
[Dwalin and Balin continue to ignore Bilbo]
Dwalin: It’s riddled with mold.
[Dwalin throws the cheese away]
Bilbo: The thing is, I don’t…I don’t know either of you, not in the slightest. I don’t mean to be blunt, but I uh…but I had to speak my mind. I’m sorry.
[at that moment both Dwalin and Balin turn to look at Bilbo]
Balin: Apology accepted.
[Balin then turns to Dwalin and gives him his cup of ale]
Balin: Oh, no. Fill it up now, brother, don’t stint.
Dwalin: You want to get stuck in?
Balin: I could eat again if you insist, brother.
[as Dwalin and Balin continue to raid Bilbo’s pantry, there door bell rings again and Bilbo opens the door to find two dwarves standing there]
Kili: And Kili.
Fili and Kili: At your service.
Kili: You must be Mr. Baggins.
Bilbo: No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house.
[Bilbo goes to shut the door but Kili stops him]
Kili: What?! Has it been canceled?
Fili: No one told us.
Bilbo: Can…! No, nothing’s been canceled.
Kili: That’s a relief.
[Fili and Kili let themselves in, then Fili turns and gives Bilbo swords wrapped cloth]
Fili: Careful with these, I just had them sharpened.
[referring to Bag End]
Kili: It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?
Bilbo: Uh…no, it’s been in the family for years.
[as Kili puts his booted foot on a wooden box]
Bilbo: That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?
[Dwalin enters the room]
Dwalin: Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand.
Kili: Mr. Dwalin.
[referring to the dining table]
Balin: Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in.
Bilbo: Ev…everyone?! How many more are there?
[as Fili, Kili, Dwalin and Balin are rearranging the dining room, the door bell rings again and Bilbo goes to open it]
Bilbo: Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If…if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!
[as Bilbo opens the door a bunch of dwarves fall through onto the floor, behind them Gandalf pokes his head through the door]
[as the rest of the dwarves join in raiding Bilbo’s pantry]
Bilbo: Those are my… Excuse me, not my wine! Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please. Excuse me.
[to one of the dwarves carrying large portions of cheese]
Bilbo: Ex…Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn’t it? Have you got a cheese knife?
Bofur: A cheese knife? He eats it by the block.
[as he sees one of the dwarves carrying through some chairs]
Bilbo: No no, that’s Grandpa Mungo’s chair, no…uh, so is that. Take it back, please. Take it back, this is antique, not for sitting on. Thank you. That is a book, not a coaster. Uh…put that map down.
[Gandalf and the other dwarves are setting up the dining table with food and drink]
Dori: Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf.
Dori: May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?
Gandalf: Ooh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine, for me I think.
[Gandalf walks through the hallway and counts the dwarves]
Gandalf: Uh..Fili, Kili. Uh…Oin, Gloin. Dwalin, Balin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dori, Nori.
[Bilbo runs after one of the dwarves carrying a small basket of tomatoes]
Bilbo: No, no. Not my prize winners, thank you.
[Bifur comes into the room and speaks dwarvish to Gandalf]
Gandalf: Yes, you are quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short.
Dwalin: He is late, is all. He traveled north to a meeting of our kin, he will come.
Dori: Mr. Gandalf?
Dori: A little glass of red wine as requested, it’s got a fruity bouquet.
Gandalf: Oh, cheers.
[takes the small glass of wine and drinks it one go]
[as Gandalf and the dwarves are stuffing their faces with Bilbo’s food, Bilbo turns and goes to his pantry, looking devastated when he sees that most of his food is gone]
Fili: Who wants an ale? There you go.
Oin: Let me have another drink.
Balin: Here you go.
Bofur: Hey, on the count of three! One! Two! Come!
[everyone drinks and then start belching and laughing]
[Bilbo runs after one of the dwarves]
Bilbo: Ex…excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth.
Bofur: But it’s full of holes!
Bilbo: It’s supposed to look like that, it’s crochet.
Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it.
Bilbo: Bebother and confusticate these dwarves!
Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?
Bilbo: What’s the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves. What they’re doing here?
Gandalf: Oh, they’re quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them.
Bilbo: I don’t want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There’s mud trod in the carpet, they…they’ve pillaged the pantry! I’m not even gonna tell you what they’ve done in the bathroom, they’ve all but destroyed the plumbing! I don’t understand what they’re doing in my house!
Ori: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt. But what should do with my plate?
Fili: Here you go, Ori, give it to me.
[Fili throws it to Kili who throws it to another dwarf in the kitchen, they continue doing this with all the plates]
Bilbo: Excuse me! That’s my mother’s Westfarthing pottery, it’s over a hundred years old!
[the dwarves start using the cutlery to play music]
Bilbo: And…and, ca…can you not do that, you’ll blunt them!
Bofur: Ooh, d’you hear that, lads? He says we’ll blunt the knives!
[the dwarves start singing as they use the cutlery to make music]
Kili: ~Blunt the knives, bend the forks.~
Fili: ~Smash the bottles and burn the corks.~
Dwarves: ~Chip the glasses and crack the plates. That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates! Cut the cloth and tread on the fat. Leave the bones on the bedroom-mat, pour the milk on the pantry-floor, splash the wine on every door, dump the crocks in a boiling bowl, pound them up with a thumping pole. When you’ve finished, if any are whole, send them down the hall to roll!~
[Gandalf laughs as he watches the dwarves cleaning up the dishes and cutlery as they sing]
Dwarves: ~That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!~
[as the dwarves laugh, Bilbo walks into the kitchen to see all his plates and cutlery have been cleaned and stacked]
[as the dwarves wash and stack the dishes, the door bell rings]
Gandalf: He’s here.
[Gandalf opens the door and we see Thorin]
Thorin: Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice.
[Thorin walks in]
Thorin: I wouldn’t have found it at all, had it not been for that mark on the door.
Bilbo: Mark? There’s no mark on that door, it was painted a week ago!
Gandalf: There is a mark, I’ve put it there myself.
[pauses for a moment]
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield.
[looking at Bilbo]
Thorin: So, this is the hobbit. Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?
Bilbo: Pardon me?
Thorin: Axe or sword, what’s your weapon of choice?
Bilbo: Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know. But I fail to see why that’s relevant.
Thorin: I thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar. [the other dwarves laugh]
[back in the dining room as Thorin eats his dinner]
Balin: What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?
Thorin: Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms.
Dwalin: And what did the dwarves of the Iron Hill say? Is Dain with us?
Thorin: They will not come.
[the other dwarves are visibly upset]
Thorin: They say this quest is ours, and ours alone.
Bilbo: You’re doing a quest?
Gandalf: Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light.
[as Bilbo leaves the room, Gandalf takes out a map]
Gandalf: Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak.
[Gandalf places the map on the table and points to the mountain, as Bilbo brings in a candle he leans in and reads from the map]
Bilbo: The Lonely Mountain.
Gloin: Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time.
Oin: Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end.
Bilbo: Uh…what beast?
Bofur: Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals.
Bilbo: Yes, I know what a dragon is.
[Ori rises to his feet]
Ori: I’m not afraid, I’m up for it. I’ll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy!
[the others cheer him on]
Dori: Sit down!
Balin: The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest.
Ori: Hey! Who are you calling dim?
[everyone starts talking at the same time]
Fili: We may be few in number. But we’re fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf!
Kili: And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time.
Gandalf: Oh, well. No, uh, I…I wouldn’t say…
Dori: How many then?
Dori: Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!
[the dwarves start talking all together again, getting angrier]
Bilbo: Uh…Please. Please.
[suddenly Thorin rises and shouts]
Thorin: If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?
[as the others cheer Thorin speaks in dwarvish]
Balin: You forget the front gate is sealed. There is no way into the mountain.
Gandalf: That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true.
[Gandalf holds up a key]
Thorin: How came you by this?
Gandalf: It was given to me by your father by Thrain, for safekeeping. It is yours now.
[he gives the key to Thorin]
Fili: If there is a key, there must be a door!
[pointing to the map]
Gandalf: These runes speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls.
Kili: There’s another way in.
Gandalf: Well, if we can find it, but dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map, and I do not have the skill to find it, but there are others in Middle-Earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth, and no small amount of courage. But if we’re careful and clever, I believe that it can be done.
Ori: That’s why we need a burglar.
Bilbo: Hmm. And a good one too. An expert, I’d imagine.
Gloin: And are you?
[everyone looks at Bilbo]
Bilbo: Am I what?
[pointing to Gandalf]
Oin: He said he’s an expert!
Bilbo: Me? No! No, No, No! I…I’m not a burglar. I’ve never stolen a thing in my life.
Balin: And I’m afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He’s hardly burglar material.
Dwalin: Aye, the wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.
[the dwarves all start speaking over each other, suddenly Gandalf rises]
Gandalf: Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is! Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most if they choose, and while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of a dwarf, the scent of a hobbit is all but unknown to him, which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the fourteenth member of this company, and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There’s a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he’s got a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself.
[looking at Thorin]
Gandalf: You must trust me on this.
Thorin: Very well. We’ll do it your way.
Bilbo: No. No…
Thorin: Give him the contract.
Bofur: Orin. We’re off!
[Balin rises to his feet, holding the contract]
Balin: It’s just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.
[Balin passes the contract to Thorin who gives it to Bilbo]
Bilbo: Funeral arrangements?
[Bilbo opens the contract and starts reading it]
[as Bilbo reads the contract, Thorin whispers to Gandalf]
Thorin: I cannot guarantee his safety.
Thorin: Nor will I be responsible for his fate.
[reading from the long list on the contract]
Bilbo: ‘Total’s cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding, one fourteenth of total profit if any.’
Bilbo: Seems fair.
[carries on reading]
Bilbo: Uh…’The present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to…lacerations. Evisceration.
[turns over the page]
Bofur: Oh, aye, he’ll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.
[Bilbo tries to take all this in]
Balin: You alright, laddie?
Bilbo: Huh? Yeah, I fe…
[takes a breath]
Bilbo: I feel a bit faint.
Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.
Bilbo: I…I…I need air.
Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You’re nothing more than a pile of ash!
[Bilbo thinks for a moment then looks over at the dwarves]
[he faints, collapsing to the ground]
Gandalf: Oh, very helpful, Bofur.
- [after fainting from finding out what the dragon can do to him]
- Bilbo: I’ll be alright. Just let me sit quietly for a moment.
- Gandalf: You’ve been sitting quietly for far too long. Tell me, when did doilies and your mother’s dishes become so important to you? I remember a young hobbit who was always running off in search of Elves, in the woods. He’d stay out late, come home, after dark, trailing mud and twigs and fireflies. A young hobbit who would’ve liked nothing better than to find out what was beyond the borders of the Shire. The world is not in your books and maps. It’s out there.
- Bilbo: I can’t just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins, of Bag End!
- Gandalf: You are also a Took. Did you know that your great, great, great, great uncle Bullroarer Took, was so large he could ride a real horse?
- [Bilbo nods his head]
- Gandalf: Yes, well he could! In the battle of Greenfields, he charged the goblin ranks he swung his club so hard, it knocked the goblin king’s head clean off, and it sailed a hundred yards through the air, and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle as won, and the game of golf invented at the same time.
- Bilbo: I do believe you made that up.
- Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You’ll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.
- Bilbo: Can you promise that I will come back?
- Gandalf: No. And if you do, you’ll not be the same.
- Bilbo: That’s what I thought.
- [Bilbo rises to his fee]
- Bilbo: Sorry, Gandalf, I can’t sign this. You’ve got the wrong hobbit.
- [he turns and walks off]
- [watching as Bilbo walks off after his discussion with Gandalf]
- Balin: It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkers, toy makers. Hardly the stuff of legend.
- Thorin: There are a few warriors amongst us.
- Balin: Old warriors.
- Thorin: I would take each and every one of these dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills, for when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty, honor, a willing heart. I can ask no more than that.
- Balin: You don’t have to do this. You have a choice. You’ve done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains. A life of peace and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor.
- Thorin: From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice, Balin. Not for me.
- Balin: Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done.
- [later that night, the dwarves start singing about the Misty Mountains, the devastation of Smaug, and their kingdom]
- Thorin [singing] Far over the Misty Mountains cold. To dungeons deep and caverns old. We must away ere break of day. To find our long forgotten gold.
- Dwarves: [singing] The pines were roaring on the height, the winds were moaning in the night. The fire was red, it flaming spread. The trees like torches blazed with light.
- [the next morning, Bilbo wakes up to find his house empty, he looks around looking for the dwarves]
- Bilbo: Hello!
- [Bilbo looks pleased that everything is back in order, but then he looks down and sees the contract, he thinks for a moment and then we see him flying out the door, contract in hand as he runs to find Gandalf and the dwarves]
- Hobbit: Here, Mr. Bilbo! Where are you off too?
- Bilbo: I can’t stop, I’m already late!
- Hobbit: Late for what?
- Bilbo: I’m going on an adventure!
- [Bilbo finally catches up with Gandalf and the dwarves in the woods]
- Bilbo: Wait! Wait!
- [everyone stops and turns to look at Bilbo as he runs towards them, waiving the contract]
- Bilbo: I signed it.
- [he gives the contract to Balin, who checks it]
- Balin: Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield.
- Thorin: Give him a pony.
- Bilbo: No, no, no, no. That…that won’t be necessary. Thank you. I’m sure I can keep up on foot. Yeah, I…I’ve done my fair share of walking holidays, you know? Even got as far as Frog Morton once.
- [suddenly two of the dwarves grab hold of his arms, pick him up and place him on a pony]
- [as they all ride along in the woods, Bilbo rides on his pony, looking very uncomfortable]
- Oin: Come on, Nori! Pay up!
- [Bilbo sees the dwarves throwing bags of money to each other]
- Bilbo: What’s that about?
- Gandalf: Oh, they took wagers on whether or not you’d turn up. Most of them bet that you wouldn’t.
- Bilbo: And what did you think?
- Gandalf: Well…
- [Gandalf suddenly catches a bag of money one of the dwarves throws at him]
- Gandalf: My dear fellow, I never doubted you for a second.
- [suddenly Bilbo sneezes]
- Bilbo: Oh, it’s horse hair. Having a reaction.
- [looks in his pockets for his handkerchief but can’t find it]
- Bilbo: Uh…wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around.
- Gandalf: What on earth is the matter?
- Bilbo: I forgot my handkerchief.
- Bofur: Here! Use this.
- [he rips off a bit of cloth from his robe and throws it to Bilbo, who looks at it with disgust]
- Thorin: Move on!
- [as they continue on their journey]
- Gandalf: You’ll have to manage without pocket handkerchiefs, and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our journey’s end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire. But home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
- [later that night, as everyone is asleep around the campfire, Bilbo gets awakened by the loud snoring of the dwarves, not being able to sleep he goes and feeds his pony with apples]
- Bilbo: Good girl! Here’s a good girl. It’s our little secret, Myrtle. Just tell no one. Shh-shh…
- [suddenly Bilbo hears a wild shrieking, he turns to Kili and Fili who are sat by the fire]
- Bilbo: What was that?
- Kili: Orcs.
- Bilbo: Orcs?
- [we see Thorin awakened by the noise]
- Fili: Throat cutters. There’d be dozens of them out there. The low lands are crawling with them.
- Kili: They strike, in the wee small hours, when everyone’s asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood.
- [Kili and Fili laughs as they tease Bilbo, who looks very worried]
- Thorin: You think that’s funny? You think a night raid by orcs is a joke?
- Kili: We didn’t mean anything by it.
- Thorin: No you didn’t. You know nothing of the world.
- [Thorin walks off to be by himself]
- Balin: Don’t mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate orcs.
- [after Bilbo hears the orcs shrieking and Thorin walks off in anger]
- Balin: After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain, King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient dwarf kingdom of Moria.
- [we see flashback of the battle of the dwarves with the orcs]
- Balin: [voice over] But our enemy had got’ there first.
- [we see Thrain, Thror and Thorin fighting valiantly]
- Balin: [voice over] Moria had been taken by legions of orcs, led by the most vile of all their race, Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad orc had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began by beheading the king.
- [we see Azog screaming as he holds the decapitated head of Thror and then throwing it aside as Thorin watches in horror]
- Balin: Thrain, Thorin’s father, was driven mad by grief, he went missing, taken prisoner or killed, we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death were upon us. That is when I saw him. A young dwarf prince facing down the Pale Orc.
- [we see as Thorin fight Azog and losing his armor]
- Balin: [voice over] He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent, wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield.
- [as Azog is about to deliver a deadly blow, Thorin suddenly uses his sword to cut Azog’s arm]
- Balin: Azog the Defiler learned that day, that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken.
- [Thorin rallies his army of dwarves and they continue their battle with the rest of the orcs]
- Balin: Our forces rallied, and drove the orcs back. Our enemy had been defeated, but there was no feast, nor song that night for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few, had survived.
- [as the battle with the orcs was won, we see the younger Balin as he watches Thorin]
- Balin: And I thought to myself then, there is one who I could follow, there is one I could call king.
- [back at the camp, Thorin turns and sees all the dwarves have risen and are looking at him with respect]
- Bilbo: And the Pale Orc? What happened to him?
- Thorin: He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago.
- [at this comment Gandalf looks at Balin]
- [across the mountain where the dwarves have camped, we see an scout riding on a warg following Thorin’s trail]
- Hunter Orc: [subtitled] Send word to the Master, we have found the Dwarf-scum.
- [the group continue on their journey into the woods riding in the torrential rain]
- Dori: Here, Mr. Gandalf? Can’t you do something about this deluge?
- Gandalf: It is raining, master dwarf. And it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.
- Bilbo: Are there any?
- Gandalf: What?
- Bilbo: Other wizards?
- Gandalf: There are five us. The greatest of our order is Saruman, The White. Then there are the two blue wizards. Do you know, I’ve quite forgotten their names.
- Bilbo: And who is the fifth?
- Gandalf: Well, that would be Radagast, The Brown.
- Bilbo: Is he a great wizard or is he…more like you?
- Gandalf: I think he’s a very great wizard, in his own way. He’s a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forestlands to the East, and a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.
- [we see Radagast in the forest seeing a strange mold growing on the trees, he picks a dead leaf and looks at it]
- Radagast: Not good. Not good at all!
- [he starts running through the forest and passing dead animals, he picks a mushroom and then whistles to some birds which land in the nest on his head, he then turns and sees an ailing hedgehog]
- Radagast: Oh. Oh, no! Oh, Sebastian! Good gracious.
- [he picks up the hedgehog and runs to his home and gives the hedgehog something to cure him, then a bunch of hedgehogs surround the ill one]
- Radagast: Move back! Give him some air, for goodness sake!
- [Radagast continues to use his magic to cure the sick hedgehog, but nothing works]
- Radagast: I don’t understand why it’s not working, it’s not as if it’s witchcraft!
- [suddenly he realizes something]
- Radagast: Witchcraft. Oh, but it is! A dark and powerful magic.
- [Radagast sees large spiders crawling onto his house, realizing what will cure the hedgehog, he gives the potion to the hedgehog as he recites a spell, and as the hedgehog is cured the giant spiders crawl away, Radagast watches them retreat into the forest]
- Radagast: Where on this good earth do those foul creatures come from?
- [a small bird starts tweeting something to Radagast]
- Radagast: The old fortress? Show me.
- [we see Radagast following the bird in a sled being pulled by large rabbits through the forest]
- [back to the group, they stop outside an old ruined farm]
- Thorin: We’ll camp here for the night. FÃli, KÃli, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them.
- [Gandalf looks around the ruined farm]
- Gandalf: A farmer and his family used to live here.
- Thorin: Oin, Gloin.
- Oin: Aye?
- Thorin: Get the fire going.
- Oin: Right you are.
- Gandalf: I think it would be wiser to move on. We could make for the hidden valley.
- Thorin: But I’ve told you already. I will not go near that place.
- Gandalf: Why not? The Elves could help us, we could get food, rest, advice.
- Thorin: I do not need their advice.
- Gandalf: We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us.
- Thorin: Help? A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did nothing! You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather, who betrayed my father.
- Gandalf: You are neither of them. I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past.
- Thorin: I did not know they were yours to keep.
- [Gandalf turns and walks off in frustration]
- [seeing Gandalf walk off in anger after his conversation with Thorin]
- Bilbo: Everything alright? Gandalf, where are you going?
- Gandalf: To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense.
- Bilbo: And who’s that?
- Gandalf: Myself, mister Baggins! I’ve had enough of dwarves for one day.
- Thorin: Come on Bombur, we’re hungry.
- [turning to Balin]
- Bilbo: Is he coming back?
- [they watch as Gandalf goes off]
- [later that night as the dwarves set up camp]
- Bilbo: He’s been a long time.
- Bofur: Who?
- Bilbo: Gandalf.
- Bofur: He’s a wizard! He does as he chooses. Here. Do us a favor, take this to the lads.
- [dishes up some food into some bowls and hands them to Bilbo; Bifur turns to see Bombur helping himself to some food]
- Bofur: Stop it, you’ve had plenty.
- [Bilbo takes the bowls of stew to Fili and Kili, as he goes to give the food to them he sees they are both just standing and staring at the ponies]
- Bilbo: What’s the matter?
- Kili: We’re supposed to be looking after the ponies.
- Fili: Only we’ve encountered a slight problem.
- Kili: We had sixteen.
- Fili: Now there’s fourteen.
- [as they look to see which ponies are missing]
- Kili: Daisy and Bungle are missing.
- Bilbo: What? Well, that’s not good. And that is not good at all. Shouldn’t we tell Thorin?
- Fili: Uh…no. Let’s not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it.
- Bilbo: Well, uh…it looks as if something big uprooted these trees.
- Kili: That was our thinking.
- Bilbo: It’s something very big, and possibly quite dangerous.
- Fili: Hey! There’s a light.
- [to Kili]
- Fili: Over here!
- [they all move closer towards the light]
- Fili: Stay down.
- Bilbo: What is it?
- [they see camp fire with trolls sitting around it]
- Kili: Trolls.
- [Kili and Fili make a run for it closer to the trolls’ campfire, Bilbo puts down the bowls of stew he was carrying and starts to follow them, then he stops, turns around and picks up the bowls of stew again, and runs after Kili and Fili]
- [as they run towards the troll camp, they see a huge troll walk by, carrying two of the ponies]
- Bilbo: He’s got Myrtle and Minty! I think they’re gonna eat them, we have to do something.
- Kili: Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you’re so small. They’ll never see you.
- Bilbo: Me? Me? No. No. No.
- Kili: It’s perfectly safe!
- Fili: We’ll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl.
- Bilbo: Twice like a barn owl, hoot twice like a brown…hoots like a…like a… Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?
- [he turns and sees Kili and Fili have run off with their bowls of stew and left him on his own, he turns as he hears the trolls talking]
- William Troll: Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don’t look like mutton again tomorrow.
- Bert Troll: Quit your griping. These ain’t sheep! These is West nags!
- Tom Troll: Oh! I don’t like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them.
- William Troll: Well, it’s better than a leathery ol’ farmer. All skin and bone he was. I’m still pickin’ bits of him out o’ me teeth.
- [suddenly Tom sneezes]
- Bert Troll: Well, that’s lovely, that is. A floater.
- William Troll: Oh! Might improve the flavor!
- Tom Troll: Ah! There’s more where that came from.
- [as he tries to sneeze snot into their food, Tom slaps him and gets a hold of his nose]
- Bert Troll: Oh, no you don’t!
- Tom Troll: Oww! Oww!
- Bert Troll: Sit down!
- [Tom sits and sneezes again, he takes a tissue and blows his nose, at the same time Bilbo sneaks into their camp and tries to free the ponies]
- Tom Troll: Well…I hope you’re gonna gut these nags? I don’t like the stinky parts.
- [Bert hits Tom over the head]
- Tom Troll: Oww!
- Bert Troll: I said sit down!
- William Troll: I’m starving, are we having horse tonight or what?
- Bert Troll: Shut your cake hole! You’ll eat what I’ll give ya!
- [Bilbo watches the trolls as he tries to free the ponies]
- William Troll: How come he’s the cook? Everything tastes the same, everything tastes like chicken.
- Tom Troll: Except the chicken.
- William Troll: What tastes like fish!
- Bert Troll: I’m just saying, a little appreciation would be nice. ‘Thank you very much, Bert. Lovely stew, Bert.’ How hard is that?
- [as Bilbo tries to sneak closer to one of the trolls to steal a knife]
- Bert Troll: Mmm. Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung.
- [as he turns to pick up the dung, he sees Tom eating from his bowl]
- Bert Troll: Here, that’s my grog!
- Tom Troll: Sorry.
- [Bert hits Tom in the face]
- Tom Troll: Oww!
- [Bert’s tastes the stew]
- Bert Troll: Ooh. That is beautifully balanced, that is. Wrap your loganbie around that, mate.
- [he gives some to William]
- Bert Troll: Huh? Good ain’t it? That’s why I’m the cook.
- [as the trolls are chatting away, Bilbo sneaks behind Tom Troll to steal his knife which is behind his belt]
- William Troll: Me guts are grumbling, I’ve got to snaffle something. Flesh. I need flesh!
- [as William gets up to grab some ponies, Tom sneezes and reaches behind him to grab his handkerchief but instead grabs Bilbo and blows his nose all over him, Tom looks down and sees Bilbo in his hand]
- Tom Troll: Aah! Blimey! Bert! Bert, look what’s come out of me hooter! It’s got arms and legs and everything!
- [all three trolls stare at Bilbo]
- Bert Troll: What is it?
- Tom Troll: I don’t know, but I don’t like the way it wriggles around!
- [he drops Bilbo to the ground and William pulls out his knife, threatening Bilbo]
- Bert Troll: What are you then? An oversized squirrel?
- Bilbo: I’m a burglar…uh, hobbit!
- Tom Troll: A ‘burglar-hobbit’?
- William Troll: Can we cook him??
- Tom Troll: We can try!
- [Tom goes to grab him and Bilbo tries to get away but Bert comes up beside him]
- Bert Troll: He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful. Not when he’s skinned and boned!
- [he pushes Bilbo]
- William Troll: Perhaps there’s more burglar-hobbits ’round these parts, might be enough for a pie!
- [Bilbo manages to duck William’s hold]
- William Troll: Grab him!
- Tom Troll: He’s too quick!
- William Troll: Oah, come here! you little…
- [as Bilbo tries to make a run for it, William grabs him by his legs]
- William Troll: Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn’t?
- Bilbo: No.
- Tom Troll: He’s lying!
- Bilbo: I’m not!
- Tom Troll: Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal!
- [suddenly Kili attacks Tom by striking his sword against his leg making Tom scream]
- Kili: Drop him!
- William Troll: You what?
- Kili: I said, drop him.
- [William throws Bilbo at Kili, then suddenly all the dwarves charge in from the bushes attacking the trolls]
- [as the dwarves are fighting the trolls, Bilbo manages to steal a knife and free the ponies, but the trolls notice and grab him, holding him by his arms and legs]
- Kili: Bilbo!
- [Thorin stops Kili from attacking]
- Thorin: No!
- William Troll: Lay down your arms! Or we’ll rip his off!
- [reluctantly Thorin drops his sword and the other dwarves follow suit, then we see the trolls have tied up some of the dwarves on a spit over a fire, while the others are held in bags that are tied up to their necks]
- Tom Troll: Don’t bother cooking ’em! Let’s just sit on ’em and squash ’em into jelly!
- Bert Troll: They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.
- Tom Troll: Oh, that does sound quite nice.
- William Troll: Never mind the seasoning, we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, let’s get a move on! I don’t fancy been turned to stone.
- [just then Bilbo has an idea and tries to buy them some time]
- Bilbo: Wait! You are making a terrible mistake.
- Dori: You can’t reason with them, they’re half-wits!
- Bofur: Half-wits? What does that make us?
- Bilbo: I meant with the…uh, with the…with the seasoning.
- Bert Troll: What about the seasoning?
- Bilbo: Well, have you smelt them? You’re gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!
- [the dwarves get angry at Bilbo’s intervention]
- William Troll: What do you know about cooking dwarf?
- Bert Troll: Shut up, and let the…uh, flurgerburbur-hobbit talk.
- Bilbo: Uh…the-the secret to cooking dwarf, is um…
- Bert Troll: Yes? Come on.
- Bilbo: It’s, uh…
- Bert Troll: Tell us the secret!
- Bilbo: Ye-yes, I’m telling you. The secret is…to…skin them first!
- [all the dwarves shout at Bilbo in anger]
- Bert Troll: Tom, get me filleting knife.
- William Troll: What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scoff ’em I say, boots and all!
- Tom Troll: He’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit o’ raw dwarf.
- [he picks up Gloin in his sack and holds him up, at the same time Bilbo notices Gandalf in the bushes]
- Tom Troll: Nice and crunchy.
- [Bilbo interrupts as he’s about to eat Gloin]
- Bilbo: Uh…not…not that one, he…he’s infected!
- William Troll: You what?
- Bilbo: Yeah he’s got worms in his…tubes.
- Tom Troll: Ooh!
- [Tom throws down Gloin in disgust]
- Bilbo: In-in fact, they all have. They’re infested with parasites, it’s a terrible business, I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t.
- Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites?
- Kili: Yeah, we don’t have parasites!
- [to Bilbo]
- Kili: You have parasites!
- [Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili and they realize what Bilbo is doing]
- Oin: I’ve got parasites as big as my arm!
- Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I’ve got huge parasites!
- Nori: We’re riddled!
- Ori: Yes, I’m riddled!
- Dori: Yes, we are, badly!
- [to Bilbo]
- William Troll: What would you have us do then? Let ’em all go?
- Bilbo: Well…
- William Troll: You think I don’t know what you’re up to. This little ferret is taking us for fools!
- Bilbo: Ferret?
- Bert Troll: Fools?
- [suddenly Gandalf emerges from his hiding place]
- Gandalf: The dawn will take you all!
- William Troll: Who’s that?
- Bert Troll: No idea.
- Tom Troll: Can we eat him too?
- [suddenly Gandalf breaks the cliff he’s standing on, which lets in the rising sun’s light and the trolls immediately turn into stone, all the dwarves laugh with joy]
- Dwalin: Ooh, get your foot out of my back!
- [after Gandalf saves the dwarves from the trolls]
- Thorin: Where did you go to, if I may ask?
- Gandalf: To look ahead.
- Thorin: What brought you back?
- Gandalf: Looking behind. Nasty business. Still they all are in one piece.
- Thorin: No thanks to your burglar.
- Gandalf: He had the nous to play for time. None of the rest of you thought of that.
- [looking at the frozen trolls]
- Gandalf: They must have come down from the Ettenmoors.
- Thorin: Since when the mountain trolls venture this far south?
- Gandalf: Oh, not for an age. Not since a darker power ruled these lands.
- [Gandalf thinks for a moment]
- Gandalf: They could not have moved in daylight.
- Thorin: There must be a cave nearby.
- [Thorin walks off to search for the cave]
- [they find the trolls’ cave and investigate inside]
- Bofur: Oh, what’s that stench?!
- Gandalf: It’s a troll hoard. Be careful what you touch.
- [the dwarves cough from the foul smell inside the cave, then as they go deeper inside the cave they come upon the trolls’ treasure]
- Bofur: Seems a shame just to leave it lying around. Anyone could take it.
- Gloin: Agreed. Nori, get a shovel.
- [Gandalf and Thorin discover some swords, Thorin picks one up]
- Thorin: These swords were not made by any troll.
- [he gives one of the swords to Gandalf]
- Gandalf: Nor were they made by any smith among men.
- [Gandalf takes a closer look at the sword]
- Gandalf: These were forged in Gondolin, by the High Elves, of the First Age. You could not wish for a finer blade.
- [Dwalin watches the other dwarves as they bury some of the trolls’ treasure into the ground]
- Gloin: We’re making a long-term deposit.
- Thorin: Let’s get out of this foul place. Come on, let’s go. Bofur, Gloin, Nori.
- [as the dwarves leave the cave, Gandalf comes across an elf-made dagger and picks it up]
- [coming out of the trolls’ cave]
- Gandalf: Bilbo.
- Bilbo: Hm?
- Gandalf: Here. This is about your size.
- [he gives Bilbo the elf-made dagger he found in the trolls cave]
- Bilbo: I can’t take this.
- Gandalf: The blade is of Elvish make, which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby.
- Bilbo: I have…I have never used a sword in my life.
- Gandalf: And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.
- [as they are gathered outside the trolls cave]
- Thorin: Something’s coming!
- Bilbo: Gandalf.
- Gandalf: Stay together! Hurry, now! Arm yourselves!
- [as the dwarves, Gandalf and Bilbo wait to see who is approaching, suddenly Radagast bursts through the bushes on his sled led by rabbits]
- Radagast: Thieves! Fire! Murder!
- Gandalf: Radagast. It’s Radagast the Brown!
- [he puts his sword away and approaches Radagast]
- Gandalf: What on earth are you doing here?
- Radagast: I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong.
- Gandalf: Yes?
- [Radagast goes to speak but stops]
- Radagast: Just give me a minute. Um…Oh! I had a thought and now I’ve lost it. It was…it was was right there, on the tip of my tongue! Oh! It’s not a thought at all! It’s a silly old… stick insect.
- [he sticks his tongue out and Gandalf removes the insect and gives it to Radagast]
- Radagast: The Greenwood is sick, Gandalf. A darkness has fallen over it, nothing grows anymore. At least nothing good. The air is foul decay, but worse are the webs.
- Gandalf: Webs? What do you mean?
- Radagast: Spiders, Gandalf. Giant ones. Some kind of spawn of Ungoliant, or I’m not a wizard. I followed their trail. They came from Dol Guldur.
- Gandalf: Dol Guldur? But the old fortress is abandoned.
- Radagast: No, Gandalf. It is not.
- [we see flashback of Radagast being led to an abandoned fortress of Dol Guldur]
- Radagast: [voice over] A dark power dwells in there, such as I have never felt before. It is the shadow of an ancient horror. One that can summon the spirits of the dead.
- [we see Radagast fight off a ghost as it attacks him]
- Radagast: [voice over] I saw him, Gandalf. From out of the darkness, the Necromancer has come!
- [as he sees the Necromancer, Radagast makes a run for it and gets on sled]
- [after telling his story about the Necromancer, Radagast looks shaken]
- Radagast: Sorry.
- Gandalf: Try a little old Toby. It’ll help setting your nerves.
- [he places his pipe in Radagast’s mouth who inhales from the pipe]
- Gandalf: And out.
- [Radagast lets out the smoke through his nose and looks more visibly relaxed]
- Gandalf: Now, the Necromancer. Are you sure?
- [Radagast takes the sword that the ghost wielded and gives it to Gandalf]
- Radagast: That is not from the world of the living.
- [suddenly they hear a howling noise]
- [after telling his story about the Necromancer, Radagast looks shaken]
- Radagast: Sorry.
- Gandalf: Try a little old Toby. It’ll help setting your nerves.
- [he places his pipe in Radagast’s mouth who inhales from the pipe]
- Gandalf: And out.
- [Radagast lets out the smoke through his nose and looks more visibly relaxed]
- Gandalf: Now, the Necromancer. Are you sure?
- [Radagast takes the sword that the ghost wielded and gives it to Gandalf]
- Radagast: That is not from the world of the living.
- [suddenly they hear a howling noise]
- Bilbo: Was that a wolf? Are there…are there wolves out there?
- Bofur: Wolves? No, that is not a wolf.
- [suddenly something growls from behind them and they all turns to see a warg scouts and they start attacking them, Kili and Thorin manage to kill two of them]
- Thorin: Warg scouts! Which means an orc pack is not far behind!
- Bilbo: Orc pack?
- Gandalf: Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?
- Thorin: No one.
- Gandalf: Who did you tell?!
- Thorin: No one, I swear! What in Durin’s name is going on?
- Gandalf: You are being hunted.
- Dwalin: We have to get out of here.
- Ori: We can’t! We have no ponies. They bolted.
- Radagast: I’ll draw them off.
- Gandalf: These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you!
- Radagast: These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I’d like to see them try.
- [we see Radagast racing on his rabbit sled across the open plain being pursued by the wargs and orcs]
- Radagast: Come and get me!
- [Radagast laughs, then Gandalf comes out from behind a large rock and looks at *Radagast drawing the orcs off their trail]
- Gandalf: Come on!
- [Gandalf and the dwarves hurry off in a different direction from the orcs, then they comes across the orcs again]
- Gandalf: Stay together.
- Thorin: Move!
- [they hurry along trying hide and keep away from the orcs, when they suddenly come across them again]
- Thorin: Ori, no! Come back.
- Gandalf: All of you, come on, come on! Quick!
- Thorin: Where are you leading us?
- [Gandalf looks at Thorin with no reply and moves on ahead, but one of the orcs chasing after Radagast feels something is amiss so he comes over to investigate where the dwarves are hiding under a cliff, as he gets close Thorin indicates to Kili who uses his bow to take the orc and his warg down after which the dwarves kill him uses their swords]
- [the other orcs chasing after Radagast hear the squealing of the orc the dwarves have just killed]
- Hunter Orc: [subtitled] The Dwarf-scum are over there! After them!
- [Gandalf and the dwarves hear the wargs howling and see the orcs racing towards them]
- Gandalf: Move! Run!
- [the dwarves make a run for it]
- Gloin: There they are!
- Gandalf: This way! Quickly!
- Kili: There’s more coming!
- Thorin: KÃli! Shoot them!
- [Gandalf notices a large rock and runs towards it]
- Fili: We’re surrounded!
- [Kili shoots one of the orcs with his bow]
- Fili: Where’s Gandalf?
- Dwalin: He’s abandoned us!
- [as the orcs get nearer]
- Thorin: Hold your ground!
- [as the orcs get closer suddenly Gandalf appears from behind the large rock he’d noticed earlier]
- Gandalf: This way, you fools!
- Thorin: Come on, move! Quickly! All of you!
- [they follow Gandalf and find that beneath the rock is an underground tunnel]
- Thorin: Go, go, go!
- [the dwarves all start jumping inside the underground tunnel and Gandalf counts the dwarves]
- Gandalf: …nine, ten…
- [Thorin shouts to Kili as he kills another orc with his bow]
- Thorin: KÃli! Run!
- [Kili turns and makes a run for it as the orcs get closer]
- [inside the underground tunnel the dwarves hear a hunting horn and the noise of arrows being shot, we see the elves have arrived and as the elves start killing the orcs, one of them topples down into the underground tunnel, Thorin removes the bow from the orc]
- Thorin: Elves.
- Dwalin: I cannot see where the pathway leads. Do we follow it or not?
- Bofur: We follow it, of course!
- Gandalf: I think that would be wise.
- [they follow the path inside the tunnel and find that it has led them to Rivendell]
- Gandalf: The Valley of Imladris. In the common tongue, it’s known by another name.
- Bilbo: Rivendell.
- Gandalf: Here lies the last homely house, east of the sea.
- Thorin: This was your plan all along, to seek refuge with our enemy.
- Gandalf: You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill-will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself.
- Thorin: You think the Elves will give our quest their blessing? They will try to stop us.
- Gandalf: Of course, they will. But we have questions that need to be answered. If we are to be successful this will need to be handled with tact, and respect, and no small degree of charm, which is why you will leave the talking to me.
- [they start making their way towards Rivendell]
- [as they enter Rivendell they are met by some elves]
- Lindir: Mithrandir.
- Gandalf: Ah, Lindir.
- [Thorin whispers to Dwalin]
- Thorin: Stay sharp.
- [Lindir starts speaking in Elvish to Gandalf]
- Lindir: [subtitled] We heard you had crossed into the Valley.
- Gandalf: I must speak with Lord Elrond.
- Lindir: My Lord Elrond is not here.
- Gandalf: Not here? Where is he?
- [they hear the hunting horn and turn to see the returning elf war party]
- Thorin: Close ranks!
- [the elf war party surround the dwarves, we see Elrond is with the war party]
- Elrond: Gandalf!
- Gandalf: Lord Elrond.
- [Gandalf greets Elrond in Elvish]
- Gandalf: [subtitled] My friend! Where have you been?
- Elrond: [subtitled] We’ve been hunting a pack of Orcs that came up from the South. We slew a number near the Hidden Pass.
- [Elrond gets off his horse and embraces Gandalf]
- Elrond: Strange for orcs to come so close to our borders. Something or someone has drawn them near.
- Gandalf: Ah, that may have been us.
- [Elrond notices Thorin coming towards him]
- Elrond: Welcome Thorin, son of Thrain.
- Thorin: I do not believe we have met.
- Elrond: You have your Grandfather’s bearing. I knew Thror when he ruled under the mountain.
- Thorin: Indeed? He made no mention of you.
- [Elrond says something to Thorin in Elvish]
- Gloin: What is he saying? Does he offer us insult?
- Gandalf: No, Master Gloin, he’s offering you food.
- [the dwarves turn and discuss amongst themselves then turn back to Gandalf]
- Gloin: Ah, Well. In that case, lead on.
- [as they dwarves sit around the elves dining table, Ori picks up a lettuce leaf]
- Dori: Try it. Just a mouthful.
- Ori: I don’t like green food.
- [the dwarves find that the elves’ supper consists of fruits and vegetables]
- Dwalin: Where’s the meat?
- Ori: Have they got any chips?
- [as they walk towards the dinner table]
- Gandalf: Kind of you to invite us. I’m not really dressed for dinner.
- Elrond: Well, you never are.
- [they take their seats, joining the dwarves]
- [at the dining table, Elrond examines one of the swords that Gandalf and Thorin had taken from the trolls’ cave]
- Elrond: This is Orcrist, the Goblin-cleaver. A famous blade, forged by the High Elves of the West. My kin.
- [he gives the sword back to Thorin]
- Elrond: May it serve you well.
- [he takes Gandalf’s sword]
- Elrond: And this is Glamdring. The Foe-hammer, sword of the King of Gondolin. These swords were made for the Goblin wars of the First…
- [as Elrond is explaining how the swords were made, Bilbo takes out the dagger that Gandalf had given him earlier and looks at it curiously]
- Balin: I wouldn’t bother, laddie. Swords are named for their great deeds they do in war.
- Bilbo: What are you saying, my sword hasn’t seen battles?
- Balin: I’m not actually sure it is a sword. More of a letter opener, really.
- [referring to the swords]
- Elrond: How did you come by these?
- Gandalf: We found them in a troll hoard on the Great East road, shortly before we were ambushed by orcs.
- Elrond: And what were you doing on the Great East road?
- [later that night Gandalf, Bilbo, Thorin and Balin meet privately with Elrond]
- Thorin: Our business is no concern of Elves.
- Gandalf: For goodness sake. Thorin, show him the map!
- Thorin: It is the legacy of my people. It’s mine to protect! As are its secrets.
- Gandalf: Save me from the stubbornness of dwarves. Your pride will be your downfall. You stand here in the presence of one of the few in Middle-earth who can read that map. Show it to Lord Elrond!
- [Thorin takes out the map]
- Balin: Thorin, no!
- [Thorin gives the map to Elrond, he opens it and takes a look]
- Elrond: Erebor. What is your interest in this map?
- Gandalf: It’s mainly academic. As you know, this sort of artifacts sometimes contains hidden text.
- [Thorin looks at Gandalf gratefully for not giving their quest away]
- Gandalf: You still read ancient dwarvish, do you not?
- [Elrond reads from the map]
- Elrond: ‘Cirth ithil’.
- Gandalf: Moon runes. Of course. An easy thing to miss.
- Elrond: Well in this case, that is true. Moon runes can only be read by the light of the moon of the same shape and season as the day on which they were written.
- Thorin: Can you read them?
- [referring to the map]
- Elrond: These runes were written on a mid-summer’s eve by the light of a crescent moon nearly two hundred years ago. It would seem you were meant to come to Rivendell. Fate is with you, Thorin Oakenshield. The same moon shines upon us tonight.
- [he places the map on a stone slab right under the moon, and as the moon’s light shines on the map, it reveals the runes and Elrond translates]
- Elrond: ‘Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks, and the setting sun with the last light of Durin’s Day will shine upon the keyhole.’
- Bilbo: Durin’s Day?
- Gandalf: It is the start of the dwarves new year, when the last moon of Autumn and the first sun of Winter appear in the sky together.
- Thorin: This is ill news. Summer is passing, Durin’s Day will soon be upon us.
- Balin: We still have time.
- Bilbo: Time, for what?
- Balin: To find the entrance. We have to be standing at exactly the right spot, at exactly the right time. Then, and only then, can the door be opened.
- Elrond: So this is your purpose, to enter the mountain.
- Thorin: What of it?
- Elrond: There are some who would not deem it wise.
- [Elrond gives the map back to Thorin]
- Gandalf: Who do you mean?
- Elrond: You are not the only guardian to stand watch over Middle-earth.
- [Elrond turns and leaves]
- [the surviving orc scouts returns to their master, Azog, whose missing arm has been replaced with a spike]
- Hunter Orc: [subtitled] The Dwarves, Master…we lost them. Ambushed by Elvish filth, we were…
- Azog: [subtitled] I don’t want excuses. I want the head of the Dwarf King!
- Hunter Orc: [subtitled] We were outnumbered, there was nothing we could do. I barely escaped with my life.
- Azog: [subtitled] Far better you had paid with it.
- [furious, Azog picks up the scout and throws him to wargs who attack and kill him]
- Azog: [subtitled] The Dwarf-scum will show themselves soon enough.
- [turning to the orc scouts]
- Azog: [subtitled] Send out word, there is a price on their heads!
- [the orcs set out again on their wargs]
- [as the dwarves settle in for the night, they cook their own food that they brought, Bofur is cooking a sausage when he hears the table Bombur is sat on is creaking, he throws his sausage at Bombur]
- Bofur: Bombur!
- [as Bombur catches the sausage the table underneath Bombur breaks and crashes, making all the dwarves laugh]
- [later on that evening Gandalf meets with Elrond]
- Gandalf: With or without our help, these dwarves will march on the mountain. They’re determined to reclaim their homeland. I do not believe Thorin Oakenshield feels that he’s answerable to anyone. Nor for that matter am I.
- Elrond: But it’s not me you must answer to.
- [at that moment Gandalf notices Galadriel turning to face them]
- Gandalf: Lady Galadriel.
- Galadriel: Mithrandir.
- [she starts speaking in Elvish]
- Gandalf: [subtitled] It has been a long time.
- Galadriel: [subtitled] Age may have changed me, but not so the lady of Lorien.
- [Galadriel smiles]
- Galadriel: I had no idea Lord Elrond had sent for you.
- [Gandalf hears the Saruman’s voice from behind him]
- Saruman: He didn’t. I did.
- [Gandalf turns and sees Saruman]
- Galadriel: Saruman.
- Saruman: You’ve been busy of late, my friend.
- Saruman: Tell me, Gandalf, did you think these plans and schemes of yours would go unnoticed?
- Gandalf: Unnoticed? No, I…I’m simply doing what I feel to be right.
- Galadriel: The dragon has long been on your mind.
- Gandalf: It is true, my Lady. Smaug owes allegiance to no one. But if he should side with the enemy, the dragon could be used to terrible effect.
- Saruman: What enemy? Gandalf, the enemy is defeated. Sauron is vanquished. He can never regain his full strength.
- Elrond: Gandalf, for four hundred years we have lived in peace. A hard won watchful peace.
- Gandalf: Are we? Are we at peace? Trolls have come down from the mountains, they are raiding villages, destroying farms. Orcs have attacked us on the road.
- Elrond: Hardly a prelude to war.
- Saruman: Always you must meddle. Looking for trouble where none exists!
- Galadriel: Let him speak.
- Gandalf: There is something at work beyond the evil of Smaug, something far more powerful. We can remain blind to it, but it will not be ignoring us, that I can promise you. A sickness hides over the Greenwood. The woodsmen who live there now call it Mirkwook, and…uh, they s…they say…
- Saruman: Well, don’t stop now, tell us what the woodsmen say?
- Gandalf: They speak of a Necromancer, living in Dol Guldur, a sorcerer who can summon the dead.
- Saruman: That’s absurd. No such power exists in this world. This Necromancer is nothing more than a mortal man. A conjurer dabbling in black magic.
- Gandalf: And so I though too. But Radagast has seen…
- Saruman: Radagast? Do not speak to me of Radagast the Brown. He’s a foolish fellow.
- Gandalf: Well, he’s odd, I grant you. He lives a solitary life.
- Saruman: It’s not that. It’s his excessive consumption of mushrooms. They’ve addled his brain, and yellowed his teeth. I warned him. It is unbefitting one of the Istari wandering the wood…
- [as Saruman is talking away to Gandalf, Galadriel starts talking to Gandalf through his mind]
- Galadriel: [voice over] You carry something. It came to you from Radagast, he found it in Dol Guldur.
- Gandalf: [voice over] Yes.
- Galadriel: [voice over] Show me.
- [Gandalf brings out the sword Radagast gave him wrapped in cloth]
- Elrond: What is that?
- Galadriel: A relic of Mordor.
- [Elrond unveils the sword]
- Elrond: A Morgul blade.
- Galadriel: Made for the witch-king of Angmar, and buried with him. When Angmar fell, the men of the North took his body, and all that he possessed and sealed it within the high fells of Rhudaur. Deep within the rock they buried him, in a tomb so dark it would never come to light.
- Elrond: This is not possible. A powerful spell lies upon those tombs, they cannot be opened.
- Saruman: What proof do we have this weapon came from Angmar’s grave?
- Gandalf: I have none.
- Saruman: Because there is none. Let us examine what we know. A single orc pack has dared to cross the Bruinen. A dagger from a by-gone age has been found. And a human sorcerer who calls himself the Necromancer, has taken up residence in a ruined fortress. It’s not so very much, after all. The question of this dwarvish company however, troubles me deeply. I’m not convinced, Gandalf. I do not feel I can condone such a quest. If they’d come to me, I might have spare them this disappointment. I will not pretend to understand your reasons for raising their hopes…
- [as Saruman continues to talk, Galadriel speaks to Gandalf again through his mind]
- Galadriel: [voice over] They are leaving.
- Gandalf: [voice over] Yes.
- Galadriel: You knew.
- [Gandalf gives her a knowing look]
- Saruman: …I’m afraid there’s nothing else for it.
- [just then Lindir interrupts their meeting]
- Lindir: My Lord Elrond. The dwarves, they’ve gone.
- [we see the dwarves leaving Rivendell and continuing on their journey]
- Thorin: Be on your guard, we’re about to step over the Edge of the Wild. Balin, you know these paths, lead on.
- Balin: Aye.
- [as the dwarves continue on, Bilbo stops and looks back at Rivendell]
- Thorin: Master Baggins, I suggest you keep up.
- [Bilbo turns and joins the dwarves as they head off]
- [back in Rivendell, Gandalf meets with Galadriel privately]
- Galadriel: You will follow them.
- Gandalf: Yes.
- Galadriel: You are right to help Thorin Oakenshield. But I fear this quest has set in motion forces we do not yet understand. The riddle of the Morgul blade must be answered. Something moves in the shadows, unseen, hidden from our side, it will not show itself…not yet. But every day it grows in strength. You must be careful.
- Gandalf: Yes.
- [Gandalf turns and starts walking off]
- Galadriel: Mithrandir.
- [Gandalf turns to look at Galadriel]
- Galadriel: Why the Halfling?
- Gandalf: I do not know. Saruman believes that it is only a great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I’ve found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keep the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps it is because I’m afraid and he gives me courage.
- [Galadriel takes hold of Gandalf’s hands]
- Galadriel: Do not be afraid, Mithrandir. You are not alone.
- [she speaks in Elvish]
- Galadriel: [subtitled] If you should ever need my help, I will come.
- [Gandalf looks down and sees Galadriel gently taking her hands away, when he looks up he sees that Galadriel is gone and he is alone]
- [as the dwarves continue on their journey along a mountain pass a violent thunderstorm begins]
- Thorin: Alright, hold on!
- [Bilbo slips and the dwarves next to him stop him from falling off the edge]
- Thorin: We must find shelter!
- Dwalin: Look out!
- [they all look up to see a giant rock flying towards them, it hits the edge of the mountain, shattering around them]
- Bifur: Hold on!
- Balin: This is no thunderstorms! It’s a thunder-battle! Look!
- [they see a stone giant breaking another stone giant]
- Bofur: Well bless me. The legends are true! Giants! Stone giants!
- [the stone giants throw giant rocks at each other]
- Thorin: Take cover, you fool!
- Nori: Hold on!
- [as the stone giants fight each other the mountain breaks around them]
- Fili: Kili, grab my hand!
- [suddenly the mountain they’re on comes to life and starts fighting with the other stone giant, the dwarves find themselves separated and trying to reunite as the stone giants fight, break each other, and fight some more]
- [after the stone giants stop fighting the dwarves manage to get back together]
- Balin: We’re alright! We’re alive!
- Bofur: Where’s Bilbo? Where’s the hobbit?
- [they see Bilbo has fallen off the edge of the mountain, holding on with his hands]
- Thorin: Get him!
- Bofur: Grab my hand! Bilbo! Come on and take it!
- [the dwarves try to help him up and Thorin jumps down the side of the cliff and helps him up]
- Dwalin: I thought we’d lost our burglar.
- Thorin: He’s been lost ever since he left home. He should never have come. He has no place amongst us.
- [Bilbo looks visibly hurt by this comment]
- Thorin: Dwalin!
- [Thorin makes his way inside a cave]
- [checking the cave inside the mountain]
- Dwalin: It looks safe enough.
- Thorin: Search to the back, caves in the mountains are seldom unoccupied.
- [after checking further into the cave]
- Dwalin: There’s nothing here.
- [the other dwarves enter the cave]
- Gloin: Right then, let’s get a fire started.
- Thorin: No. No fires. Not in this place. Get some sleep, we start at first light.
- Balin: We were to wait in the mountains until Gandalf joined us. That was the plan.
- Thorin: Plans change. Bofur, take the first watch.
- [Azog and his orcs hunt for the dwarves on their wargs]
- Azog: [subtitled] The scent is fresh! They have taken the mountain pass.
- [they continue on their wargs]
- [back in the cave, as all the dwarves sleep Bilbo starts packing and as he’s about to sneak off Bofur catches him]
- Bofur: Where do you think you’re going?
- Bilbo: Back to Rivendell.
- Bofur: No. No. No. You can’t turn back, now. You’re part of the company. You’re one of us.
- Bilbo: I’m not though, am I? Thorin said I should never have come, and he was right.
- I’m not a Took, I’m a Baggins, I don’t know what I was thinking. I should’ve never run out the door.
- Bofur: You’re homesick, I understand.
- Bilbo: No, you don’t! You don’t understand, none of you do, you’re dwarves! You’re used to…to this life, to living on the road, never settling in one place, not belonging anywhere!
- [realizing what he’s just said]
- Bilbo: I’m sorry. I didn’t…
- Bofur: No, you’re right. We don’t belong anywhere.
- [nearby Thorin overhears all this as he lies in his sleeping place]
- Bofur: I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do.
- [he pats Bilbo on the shoulder and as Bilbo turns to leave, Bofur notices Bilbo’s sword glowing]
- Bofur: What’s that?
- [Bilbo takes his sword out and sees that it’s glowing blue, which means orcs are near, at the same time Thorin sees the floor of the cave begin to crack]
- Thorin: Wake up. Wake up!
- [suddenly the ground cracks, tips and slides everyone off into a cavern, where they are set upon by goblins and taken prisoner, as the dwarves are being hauled away, the goblins pass by Bilbo, not noticing him, he hides and watches the dwarves being taken away and then he follows them quietly with his sword drawn, suddenly a rogue goblin attacks him and as they fight they fall off the bridge and down into the deep cavern]
- [the dwarves are taken before the giant goblin king]
- Great Goblin: Who would be so bold as to come armed into my kingdom? Spies? Thieves? Assassins?
- Goblin: Dwarves, your Malevolence.
- Great Goblin: Dwarves?
- Goblin: We found them on the front porch.
- Great Goblin: Well don’t just stand there, search them! Every crack, every crevice!
- [the goblins start searching the dwarves]
- Great Goblin: What are you doing in these parts? Speak!
- [the dwarves remain silent]
- Great Goblin: Very well, if they will not talk, we’ll make them squawk! Bring up the mangler, bring up the bone breaker! Start with the youngest.
- Thorin: Wait!
- [Thorin steps forward]
- Great Goblin: Well, well, well! Look who it is! Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, king under the mountain.
- [he does a mock bow]
- Great Goblin: Oh! But I’m forgetting you don’t have mountain, and you’re not a king. Which makes you nobody really. I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head. Just the head, nothing attached. Perhaps you know of whom I speak, an old enemy of yours. A pale orc astride a white warg.
- Thorin: Azog the Defiler was destroyed. He was slain in battle long ago
- Great Goblin: So you think his defiling days are done, do you?
- [turning to the goblin scribe]
- Great Goblin: Send word to the pale orc, tell him I have found his prize.
- [Bilbo wakes from his fall and sees the goblin that attacked lying unconscious nearby, he hears something approach, and we see Gollum set upon the goblin]
- Gollum: Yesss. Yes! Yes. Gollum. Yes! Gollum! Gollum!
- [he starts dragging the unconscious body of the goblin, but the goblin wakens and goes to attack Gollum, Gollum picks up a rock and starts hitting the goblin and in the process a ring drops out of Gollum’s loincloth, Gollum finally knocks the goblin out and drags him off]
- Gollum: Nasty goblinses are better than old bones, precious. Better than nothing.
- [when Gollum disappears with the goblin, Bilbo gets up, picks up his glowing sword then notices the ring on the floor, he picks it up and puts it in his pocket, then he hears Gollum’s voice]
- Gollum: Aah, too many boneses, precious! Not enough flesh. Shut up! Cut its skin off! Start with its head.
- [as Bilbo walks towards Gollum he hears Gollum start to sing]
- Gollum: The cold hard lands, they bites our hands, they gnaws our feet, for rocks and stones are like old bones all bare of meat, cold as death, without no breath it’s good to eat.
- [Bilbo sees Gollum bash the goblin’s head in with a rock as it struggles, then Bilbo sees his sword stop glowing as the goblin dies]
- [when Bilbo looks round to watch Gollum, he sees that he’s gone, we see Gollum is quietly approaching Bilbo and suddenly comes upon him]
- Gollum: Bless us and splash us, precious. That’s a meaty mouthful.
- [Bilbo draws his sword and places it against Gollum’s throat]
- Gollum: Gollum! Gollum!
- Bilbo: Back. Stay back. I’m warning you, don’t come any closer.
- [Gollum backs off]
- Gollum: It’s got an Elfish blade, but it’s not an Elfes. Not an Elfes, no. What is it, precious? What is it?
- [still pointing his sword at Gollum]
- Bilbo: My name…is Bilbo Baggins.
- Gollum: Bagginses. What is a Bagginses, precious?
- Bilbo: I’m a…hobbit from the Shire.
- Gollum: Oh! We like goblinses, batses and fishes, but we hasn’t tried Hobbitses before! Is it soft? Is it juicy?
- [Gollum starts to come closer]
- Bilbo: Now! Now, keep…keep your distance!
- [he waves his sword at Gollum]
- Bilbo: I’ll use this, if I have too.
- [Gollum hisses at him]
- Bilbo: I don’t…I don’t want any trouble, you understand? Just show me the way to get out of here, and I’ll be on my way.
- Gollum: Why? Is it lost?
- Bilbo: Yes. Yes, and I want to get unlost, as soon as possible.
- Gollum: Oh, we knows! We knows safe path for hobbitses. Safe path in the dark. Shut up!
- Bilbo: I didn’t say anything.
- Gollum: I wasn’t talking to you!
- [turning to talk to himself]
- Gollum: Oh yes, we…we was, precious, we was.
- Bilbo: Look, I…I don’t know what your game is, but I…
- Gollum: Games?! Oh, we love games, doesn’t we, precious? Does it like games? Does it, does it, does it like to play?
- [Gollum laughs]
- Bilbo: Maybe.
- Gollum: What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees, up, up, up it goes, and yet never grows?
- Bilbo: The mountain.
- [Gollum laughs]
- Gollum: Yes! Yes! Ooh, let’s have another one, huh? Yes. Go, do it again. Do it, do it again, ask us.
- [suddenly he turns in anger on himself]
- Gollum: No! No more riddles. Finish him off, finish him now! Gollum, Gollum!
- [Gollum turns to attack Bilbo]
- Bilbo: No! No, no, no. I want…I want to play. I do. I want to play. I can see…you are very good at this. Uh…so why don’t we have a game of riddles? Yes, just…just…just you and me.
- Gollum: Yes. Just…just…just us.
- Bilbo: Yes! Yes! And…and if I win, you will show me the way out. Yes?
- Gollum: Yes. Yes!
- [Gollum starts talking to himself]
- Gollum: And if it loses, what then? Well, if it loses, precious, then we eats it!
- [Gollum laughs then turns to Bilbo]
- Gollum: If Baggins loses, we eats it whole.
- [Bilbo pauses for a moment to think]
- Bilbo: Fair enough.
- [Bilbo puts his sword away as they start their game of riddles]
- Gollum: The Baggins first.
- [Bilbo thinks for a moment]
- Bilbo: Thirty white horses on a red hill. First they champ, then they stamp, then they stand still.
- [Gollum thinks for a few moments]
- Gollum: Teeth?
- [he looks at Bilbo and realizes he’s answered correctly]
- Gollum: Teeth!
- [he starts laughing]
- Gollum: Yes, my precious! But we…we only have nine.
- [Gollum shows his teeth to Bilbo]
- Gollum: Our turn. Voiceless it cries, wingless flutters, toothless bites, mouthless mutters.
- [Bilbo tries to figure it out]
- Bilbo: Just a minute.
- [Bilbo turns trying to work out the riddle]
- Gollum: Ooh! We knows, we knows!
- [talking to himself]
- Gollum: Shut up!
- [as Bilbo is thinking he sees the breeze over the water in the cave’s lake]
- Bilbo: Wind.
- [he turns to Gollum]
- Bilbo: It’s wind! Of course it is.
- [Gollum hisses in anger]
- Gollum: Very clever, hobbitses. Very clever!
- [Gollum starts to come upon Bilbo in anger and Bilbo draws his sword again]
- [Bilbo carries on the game of riddles]
- Bilbo: A…a box without hinges, key or…or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.
- [Gollum mumbles to himself as he thinks]
- Bilbo: Well?
- Gollum: It’s nasty.
- [Gollum carries on mumbling to himself as he tries to come up with the answer]
- Bilbo: Give up?
- Gollum: Give us a chance, precious! Give us a chance!
- [Gollum thinks hard and suddenly comes up with the answer]
- Gollum: Eggses! Eggses! Wet, crunchy little eggses, yes. Grandmother taught us to suck them, yes!
- [Gollum laughs, Bilbo gets distracted by bats flying and turns to see where they’ve come from, when he turns around he sees Gollum is gone but he can hear his voice]
- Gollum: We have one for you. All things it devours; birds, beasts, trees, flowers. Gnaws iron, bites steel, Grinds hard stones to meal. Answer us.
- Bilbo: Give me a moment, please. I gave you a good long while.
- [Bilbo starts muttering to himself as he thinks]
- Bilbo: I don’t know this one.
- Gollum: Is it tasty? Is it scrumptious? Is it crunchable!
- [suddenly Gollum appears behind Bilbo placing his hands around his neck, Bilbo turns and gets out of his grasp, holding his sword out in front of him]
- Bilbo: Let me think! Let me think.
- Gollum: It’s stuck. Bagginses is stuck. Time’s up.
- [Gollum gives Bilbo an evil look and just then Bilbo realizes the answer]
- Bilbo: Time? Ti… The answer is Time.
- [Gollum hisses in frustration and anger]
- Bilbo: Actually, it wasn’t that hard.
- Gollum: Last question. Last chance.
- [Gollum picks up a rock and holds it hidden in his hand]
- Bilbo: Okay. Uh…
- Gollum: Ask us. Ask us!
- Bilbo: Yes. Yes, alright.
- [Bilbo turns to think and puts his hand in his pocket, touching the ring he mumbles to himself]
- Bilbo: What have I got in my pocket?
- Gollum: Well, that’s no fair. It’s…it’s no fair! It’s against the rules!
- [he throws the rock in hand in anger]
- Gollum: You ask us another one.
- Bilbo: No. No, no, no. You said, ask me a question. Well that is my question. What have I got in my pocket?
- Gollum: Three guesses, precious. He must give us three!
- Bilbo: Three guesses, very well, guess away.
- Gollum: Handses!
- [Bilbo holds up his hand]
- Bilbo: Wrong. Guess again.
- Gollum: Uuh! Fish bones, goblin’s teeth, wet shells, bat’s wings! Oooh! Aaah!
- [Gollum hisses in frustration and anger, then looks up at Bilbo]
- Gollum: Knife!
- [to himself]
- Gollum: No, shut up!
- Bilbo: Wrong, again. Last guess.
- Gollum: String! Or nothing.
- Bilbo: Two guesses at once. Wrong both times.
- [Gollum cries in frustration]
- Bilbo: So. Come then. I won the game, you promised to show me the way out.
- Gollum: Did we say so, precious? Did we say so?
- [Gollum turns and looks with evil intent at Bilbo]
- Gollum: What has it got in its pocketses?
- Bilbo: That’s no concern of yours. You lost.
- Gollum: Lost. Lost? Lost?
- [Gollum moves to put the ring on, but finds the ring is missing from its place on his loincloth]
- Gollum: Where is it? Where is it?!
- [he starts looking around himself]
- Gollum: No! Aaah! Where is it? Nooo! Lost, lost! Curse us and splash us, my precious is lost!
- [realizing that Gollum is referring to the ring, Bilbo quickly moves the ring out of his pocket]
- Bilbo: What have you lost?
- [Gollum in tears turns to look at Bilbo]
- Gollum: Mustn’t ask us! Not its business! Nooo! Gollum! Gollum!
- [Gollum cries for a moment, then looks at his reflection in the water]
- Gollum: What has it got in its nasty little pocketses?
- [realizing that Bilbo has got his ring he turns to look at him, Bilbo holds out his sword]
- Gollum: He stole it. He stole it! Aaah! He stole it!
- [he screams, throws a rock at Bilbo, which Bilbo deflects with his sword, then turns to make a run for it, Gollum chases after him]
- [back to the dwarves, the great goblin sings as torture apparatuses are brought to torture the dwarves]
- Great Goblin: Bones will be shattered, necks will be wrung, and you’ll be beaten and battered, from racks you’ll be hung. You will die down here and never be found, down in the deep of Goblin town.
- [as the goblins go through the dwarves’ things, one of them comes across Thorin’s sword, he drops it the ground when he sees it glowing blue]
- Great Goblin: I know that sword! It is the Goblin-cleaver! The Biter! The blade that sliced a thousand necks!
- [referring to the dwarves]
- Great Goblin: Slash them, beat them, peel them, kill them all!
- [as one of the goblins gets hold of Thorin]
- Great Goblin: Cut off his head!
- [suddenly there’s a big explosion and we see that Gandalf has arrived]
- [after causing the explosion; to the dwarves]
- Gandalf: Take up arms. Fight. Fight!
- [the dwarves immediately scramble for their weapons and start fighting with the goblins, in the midst of all this the great goblin sees that Gandalf also has an Elfish sword]
- Great Goblin: He wields the Foe-hammer, the beater, bright as daylight!
- [the dwarves and the goblins continue to fight; as there are too many goblins to fight Gandalf shouts to the dwarves]
- Gandalf: Follow me. Quick! Run!
- [they all start running and the goblins start chasing them]
- [we see Bilbo is still running from Gollum]
- Gollum: Give it to us!
- [Bilbo sees crack in the rocks within the cave and tries to wedge himself through it, Gollum sees him and quickly makes his way towards Bilbo]
- Gollum: It’s ours. It’s ours!
- [as Gollum screams, Bilbo manages to shove himself through the crack, popping all of his vest buttons, he then trips and falls and the ring goes flying through the air, landing intentionally on Bilbo’s finger, at that moment Gollum leaps through the crack and finds Bilbo has disappeared, in his invisible state Bilbo watches Gollum howl and scream]
- Gollum: Thief! Baggins!
- [Gollum leaps off to look for Bilbo]
- [the dwarves and Gandalf continue to flee the goblins and fight their way through the cave, but as they are about to break free the great goblin shows up, blocking their way]
- Great Goblin: You thought you could escape me!
- [he pushes Gandalf and the dwarves back]
- Great Goblin: What are you going to do now, wizard?
- [suddenly Gandalf stabs him the eye using his staff, then using his sword he cuts opens his belly, the great goblin falls to his knees on the bridge and looks at Gandalf]
- Great Goblin: That’ll do it.
- [Gandalf uses his sword to cut the great goblin’s throat, as he dies he falls breaking the bridge and plunging the dwarves and Gandalf into the deep cavern below, but miraculously they all survive as they land safely on the cave’s ground below]
- Bofur: Well, that could have been worse.
- [just then the dead body of the great goblin lands on top of them]
- Dwalin: You’ve got to be joking!
- [as they struggle to get free from under the rubble, Kili notices a huge number of goblins coming for them]
- Kili: Gandalf!
- Dwalin: There’s too many, we can’t fight them.
- Gandalf: Only one thing will save us. Daylight! Come on!
- [helping the dwarves from under the rubble]
- Gandalf: Here, on your feet.
- [they all starting running towards an exit to the daylight]
- [Gollum is still looking for Bilbo and his ring and Bilbo follows Gollum in his invisible state]
- Gollum: Wait, my precious. Wait! Gollum! Gollum!
- [suddenly Gollum hears the dwarves as they run towards the exit behind him, Gollum hides behind some rocks as the dwarves leave the cave, blocking Bilbo’s path out, Bilbo watches in despair as Gandalf and the dwarves leave, he moves closer to kill Gollum with his sword but stops seeing how broken-hearted Gollum looks and takes pity on him, instead he jumps over Gollum, accidently hitting him with his foot as he leaves the cave leaving Gollum howling and furious]
- Gollum: Baggins! Thief! Curse it and crush it, we hates it forever!
- [after leaving the cave, the dwarves run down the mountainside and Gandalf counts them]
- Gandalf: Five, six, seven, eight. Bifur, Bofur, that’s ten. Fili, Kili, that’s twelve. And Bombur, that makes thirteen. Where’s Bilbo? Where is our hobbit? Where is our hobbit?!
- [we see Bilbo, still in his invisible state, catch up to the company and hear this exchange]
- Gloin: Curse that Halfling! Now he’s lost! I thought he was with Dori!
- Dori: Don’t blame me!
- Gandalf: And where did you last see him?
- Nori: I think I saw him slip away when they first collared us.
- Gandalf: What happened exactly? Tell me!
- Thorin: I’ll tell you what happened. Master Baggins saw his chance and he took it! He’s thought of nothing but his soft bed and his warm hearth since first he stepped out of his door. We will not be seeing our hobbit again, he is long gone.
- [on hearing this Bilbo slips off his ring and steps out from behind the tree he was hiding behind]
- Bilbo: No, he isn’t.
- [the dwarves are surprised and look glad to see him]
- Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins. I’ve never been so glad to see anyone in my life.
- Kili: Bilbo, we’d given you up!
- Fili: How on earth did you get past the goblins?
- Dwalin: How indeed?
- [Bilbo does a nervous laugh then puts his hand in his pocket where the ring is, Gandalf sees this and guesses how he’d escaped]
- Gandalf: Oh, what does it matter? He’s back.
- Thorin: It matters. I want to know. Why did you come back?
- Bilbo: Look, I know you doubt me. I know…I know you always have. And you’re right, I often think of Bag End. I miss my books, and my arm chair, and my garden. See, that’s where I belong. That’s home. And that’s why I came back, cause…you don’t have one. A home. It was taken from you, but I will help you take it back if I can.
- [Azog and his warg army shows up seeing the dwarves down the mountainside]
- Azog: [subtitled] Run them down! Tear them to pieces!
- [couple of his wargs run down the mountain howling, the dwarves hear this realizing the orcs are upon them]
- Thorin: Out of the frying pan.
- Gandalf: And into the fire. Run. Run!
- [they all start running as the wargs start chasing after them, as the warg’s catch up with them, Bilbo kills one of them with his sword and the other dwarves manage to a kill a few of them, then they reach a cliff and are trapped]
- Gandalf: Up into the trees. All of you! Come on, climb! Bilbo, climb!
- [as the dwarves start climbing the trees, they hear more wargs howling as they get closer]
- Thorin: They’re coming!
- [as all the dwarves manage to climb the trees, the wargs circle them underneath, Gandalf notices a moth fluttering nearby and catches it, sends a message to the Eagles and the moth flies away]
- [as the dwarves are on the trees, Azog shows]
- Thorin: Azog!
- Azog: [subtitled] Do you smell it? The scent of fear? I remember your father reeked of it, Thorin son of Thrain.
- Thorin: It cannot be.
- [Azog points to Thorin]
- Azog: [subtitled] That one is mine. Kill the others!
- [the wargs attack and start jumping up to catch the dwarves hanging off the trees]
- Azog: [subtitled] Drink their blood!
- [the wargs manage to topple the trees over, then Gandalf starts lighting pine cones on fire, turning them into fire bombs and throwing them at the wargs who start to back off, he lights up more cones and passes them to the dwarves]
- Gandalf: Fili!
- [they start throwing fired up cones at the wargs and they start backing off and the dwarves start to cheer]
- [one of the trees the dwarves are on suddenly sags under their combined weight and starts to fall and hangs over the edge of the cliff with some of the dwarves hanging on to the branches of the tree, including Dori who’s about to fall off]
- Dori: Mister Gandalf! Aah!
- [he suddenly falls off but Gandalf manages to catch him using his staff, as the rest of the group are holding on to the branches of the tree for dear life, Thorin decides to take on Azog alone and walks up to him, as Thorin attacks Azog he is easily defeated is thrown aside making him pass out, Azog then instructs one of his orcs]
- Azog: [subtitled] Bring me the Dwarf’s head.
- [as the orc is about to behead Thorin suddenly Bilbo rushes in and attacks the orc pushing him away and uses his sword to stab and kill the orc, saving Thorin]
- [after killing the orc, Bilbo faces Azog]
- Azog: [subtitled] Kill him.
- [as the orcs move in on Bilbo, suddenly the rest of the dwarves rush in to fight, Bilbo fights off some of the orcs and wargs and gets tossed to the ground and Azog comes up towards him, then as some of the dwarves fall of the tree the Eagles arrive and save them and starts killing the orcs and wargs by grabbing them and throwing them off the cliff, then they save the rest of the dwarves, Thorin and Bilbo by picking them up and flying off, much to Azog’s dismay]
- [last lines; the Eagles drop the company, and the still unconscious Thorin, on top of a cliff, Gandalf walks over to Thorin’s body]
- Gandalf: Thorin! Thorin.
- [Gandalf uses his magic to revive Thorin]
- Thorin: The Halfling?
- Gandalf: It’s alright. Bilbo is here, he’s quite safe.
- [Thorin gets up and looks at Bilbo in anger]
- Thorin: You! What were you doing? You nearly got yourself killed! Did I not say that you would be a burden? That you would not survive in the wild, and you had no place amongst us.
- [he moves closer to Bilbo]
- Thorin: I have never been so wrong, in all my life.
- [suddenly he embraces Bilbo and the other dwarves cheer]
- Thorin: But, I’m sorry I doubted you.
Bilbo: No, I…I would have doubted me too. I’m not a hero, nor a warrior. Not even a burglar.
- [Gandalf laughs and they watch as the Eagles fly off, then Thorin notices the Lonely Mountain in the distance]
- Bilbo: Is that what I think it is?
- [everyone walks up to the edge of the cliff to take a closer look]
- Gandalf: Erebor! The Lonely Mountain. The last of the Great Dwarf Kingdoms of Middle-earth.
- Thorin: Our home.
- [they notice thrush flying towards it]
- Oin: A raven! The birds are returning to the mountain.
- Gandalf: That, my dear Oin, is a thrush.
- Thorin: Well we’ll take it as a sign, a good omen.
- Bilbo: You’re right. I do believe the worst is behind us.
- [Bilbo smiles; we then see the thrush flying towards Lonely Mountain, it picks up a snail and starts bashing it against the rock of the mountain, the tapping carries through into the deserted halls of Erebor and awakens Smaug, who’s sleeping under a massive pile of gold]