Raj: Aren't you going to get 3-D glasses?
Sheldon: Oh, I brought my own. No sense of risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
Raj: Is that a real thing?
Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I'm not finding out.

Penny: There’s no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.
Leonard: I don’t know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in “Schindler’s List” is tough to beat.

Penny: Oh my God, What a day.
Leonard: Can I get you anything?
Penny: No. I need to start making some smart decisions.
Leonard: With your career?
Penny: No. With my life.
Leonard: Like what?
Penny: I don’t know. We could get married.
Leonard: Come on, be serious.
Penny: I am.
Leonard: Why? Because I’m a smart decision?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Leonard: So I’m like a bran muffin.
Penny: Well, no. That’s not what I’m saying.
Leonard: No, it’s exactly what you’re saying. I’m the boring thing you’re choosing because I’m good for you.
Penny: What does it matter? The point is I’m choosing you.
Leonard: Well, it matters a lot. I don’t want to be a bran muffin. I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop Tart. Something you’re excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
Leonard: No, no, no. It’s too late. I’m your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.
Penny: You know what? Forget it. I should've never brought it up.
Leonard: You know I want to marry you., but you’re only doing this because you got fired and you’re feeling sorry for yourself.
Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could ever happen to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
Leonard: Then what do you need?
Penny: You, you stupid Pop Tart.
Leonard: Oh. Then I guess I’m in.
Penny: Really? You guess you’re in?
Leonard: Not like “I guess I’m in:” Like “I guess…I’m IN!”
Penny: All right. Cool.
Leonard: So is that it? Are we engaged?
Penny: Yeah, I think so.
Leonard: All right.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Leonard: I’m not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?
Leonard: Oh, I know. This might help.
Penny: Where did you get a ring?
Leonard: I've had it for a couple of years, not important. [Gets on knee.] Penny, will you marry me?
Penny: Oh, my God. Yes.
Leonard: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger. [Couples hug.]

Director: And action.
Wil: Please don’t shut me out.
Penny: Go away. Just go away.
Wil: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back.
Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla?
Wil: I was trying to save your life.
Penny: Life? What life? Look at me I’m a monster! And now I have blood on my hands or paws. I don’t know.
Wil: You can’t give up. I love you.
Penny: I love you too. But I’m afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you. [Ape screaming at him.]
Director: And cut. All right. All right, let’s set up for the next scene.
Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.
Director: Let’s just move on. No one cares.
Penny: Well, I care. I mean, look. IF we’re gonna do this, why not try and make it something we’re actually proud of?
Director: Look sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, ‘cause if it was a good movie you wouldn't be in it.
Leonard: Whoa, whoa, hang on. There’s no need to insult her.
Director: And who are you?
Leonard: I’m her boyfriend.
Director: Isn't she too hot for you?
Leonard: A little, yeah.
Director: Well, boyfriend. Get off my set.
Penny: You can’t do that. He’s with me.
Director: You know what? You can get off my set too. You’re fired.
Penny: What? You can’t fire me. I’m the star. I’m the girl that goes bananas. It says so on the poster.
Director: Yeah, but we just shot the last scene where we see your face. So from now on, the star of the movie is whoever wears this.
Wil: Hey, if you’re gonna fire her, then you have to fire me too. [Everyone is in a bar.] Wow, that fell apart real fast.

(The upstairs scene at the Wolowitz house)
Bernadette: Almost there. You’re doing great.
Howard: Thanks for lifting my spirits. Next time, try lifting the box.
Raj: Please hurry.
Mrs. Wolowitz (off): I don’t need a treadmill.
Howard: The doctor says you need to get exercise.
Mrs. Wolowitz (off): I get plenty of exercise.
Howard: Crushing my will to live isn’t exercise.
Raj: If she isn’t gonna use it, then why are we doing this?
Howard: She’ll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham.
Raj: All right. Now what?
Bernadette: We set it up in Howie’s old room.
Raj: Do you know how to set it up?
Howard: Please, I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I think I can handle… Ma, look out.
Mrs. Wolowitz (off): Aaaaah! I told you this thing would kill me.
(The intro theme song begins)

Sheldon: I know let’s go see the new Spiderman movie.
Amy: Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.
Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.

Bernadette: (worried) You think we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard: You mean a forklift?
(Bernadette has a sympathetic glare of anger at the "forklift" idea her husband had said)
Bernadette: (crossly) Howie.
Howard: I’m sorry. I just can’t deal with this right now.
Bernadette: (asking him crossly) Taking care of your own mother? How can you say that?
Howard: Bernie, she’s gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks. Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet?
Bernadette: I would do it for my mother.
Howard: Yeah, of course you would, you’re a loving person. I’m what my people would call a putz.
Bernadette: Look, I’m not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have?
Howard: We get a nurse. Preferably someone from a third world country who’s used to suffering and unpleasant smells.
Bernadette: You’d hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That’s so cruel.
Howard: Not if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I need to tinkle.
Howard: Sounds like a job for a loving person.
(Bernadette now gets off the couch with immediate fury)
Howard: Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?
Bernadette: (she is now very cross) You are a putz.
Howard: As advertised.

Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t have all the ingredients to make Chai Tea.
Raj: You don’t have to make me anything.
Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you Chai Tea. I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. You happen to have any on you?
Raj: (sarcastically) Sorry, I left them in my turban.

Penny: You know, the only thing worse than being in a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is being fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.

Penny: It’s easy for you to say. You used to be famous.
Wil: Penny, it’s not about being famous, it’s about the art, it’s about the passion you have for our craft. I have an audition for Sharknado 2.

Sheldon: Well, good night.
Raj: Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now.
Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.

Bernadette: Howie, I’m back!
(Howard enters the living room shushing his wife angrily)
Howard: (he whispers angrily) Shh, I just got her to sleep.
Bernadette: (ashamed) Sorry.
Howard: (whispering aggressively) What took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away.
Bernadette: (she is now very cross) They only had regular yogurt. I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes.
Howard: (he's whispering sensitively with an angry suspicion) Then why do I smell coffee on your breath?
Bernadette: (she is now even more crosser) So what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha.
Howard: (he's whispering with high-pitched anger) A mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen.
Bernadette: (she shouts in violent anger) Queen? I’ve been killing myself here.
Howard: (he is more and more aggressive) Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, (he talks in Bernadette's voice) "I’m nice, I want to take care of people".
(Bernadette angrily throws her handbag off her body, she rolls up the handbag handles in a big rage and she slams it down on the coffee table in huge fury).
Bernadette: (she is so enormously angry) I’m glad I got that mocha. And you know what else I’m glad about? (she yells loudly like Mrs. Wolowitz) I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car.
Mrs Wolowitz (she's groaning off-screen): Howard.
Howard: (he whispers with anger for the final time) Thanks a lot. Now I have to go rub her belly again.
(Howard now huffs away out of the living room)

Raj: Hey.
Emily: Thanks for letting me come over.
Raj: O.K. Please. Come in.
Emily: I just wanted to say how sorry I was about tonight and I wanted to make sure we’re OK.
Raj: Look, you and I haven’t made any commitments to each other.
Emily: I know. I just felt like I needed to explain. This guy did my last tattoo and he has been asking me out for months. I finally said yes just to get it over with.
Raj: It’s O.K.
Emily: Really?
Raj: Well, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that's my issue, not yours.
Emily: Wow. IF I saw you out with another woman, I'd be pretty upset.
Raj: Thank you. Not for just being upset, but for believing that could happen.
Emily: Just so you know, I’m not seeing anyone else.
Raj: Well, me neither.
Emily: Okay.
Raj: Please. So you have tattoos?
Emily: Yeah.
Raj: I don’t. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing.
Emily: That’s cool.
Raj: It’s a piercing. So how many tattoos?
Emily: One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one REALLY not on my shoulder.
Raj: It’s been a long time since a girl’s “really not my shoulder”.
Emily: Well, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos? [Kiss.]
Raj: But before I take my shirt off I need about ten minutes to do some crunches.
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