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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Goofy Newbie" from season twelve, which aired on September 28, 2019.

Transcript

  • [The episode begins at Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat. Children are having a good time eating ice cream and playing with the Goofy Goober mascot. But there are some of them who are not having a good time. An angry long line of children are waiting impatiently as Patrick is hogging up all of the ice cream samples at the counter. He takes a sample and eats it.]
  • Squidina: [slowly losing her patience] Hey, you've sampled every flavor we have. Will you please just pick one?!
  • Patrick: Mm-mmm! Not so fast. I would now like to sample combinations of flavors, and I would like to use my spoon! [holds out a shovel]
  • Squidina: [pushes shovel away and calls security] Security. We have a sample mooch at the counter.
  • [The man in the Goofy Goober suit rushes over to the counter. He rips it off, revealing himself to be a security guard. He scoops Patrick up with an ice cream scooper and throws him out. Patrick whimpers sadly before two employees come out, sit on him, and eat ice cream together.]
  • Octavius Rex's coworker: Wow. I can't believe Goofy Goobers employees get to eat all the ice cream they want on this job.
  • Patrick: Hmm?
  • Octavius Rex: Yeah, but the rule is only on the first break. And for lunch, [eats some ice cream] and on the second break, and for dinner. [eats some more ice cream]
  • Octavius Rex's coworker: Wow! Ice cream all day! [gobbles down some more ice cream]
  • Octavius Rex: [voiceover as the words "all day" appear in Patrick's eyes] Ice cream all day. All day. All day. All day.
  • Patrick: Ice cream all day? [the two employees look at Patrick and run off, screaming] I'm getting a job at Goofy Goober!
  • [The next few scenes is a tutorial video for beginners who want to work at Goofy Goober's.]
  • Video announcer: Goofy Goober's and you.
  • Training announcer: Hello, and welcome! As a new Goofy Goober employee, we'd like you to know that we appreciate you. [the screen shows Bikini Bottom in the 1800s] The story of our ice cream begins with our founder, Reginald Goober. [a picture of Reginald Goober is shown] Who for some unexplained reason was nicknamed Goofy. [the screen shows Reginald Goober and his ice cream wagon] In 1842, he headed West in a covered ice cream wagon. In the days before cones and refrigeration, [the screen shows ice cream being served on sticks and rocks] he served warm ice cream on rocks and sticks. [the screen shows Goofy Goober's as of now] From those humble beginnings, Goofy Goober has grown into a multibillion dollar business [the screen shows the Goofy Goober's outfit] that you, our newest employee, now have the privilege to work for. [the screen shows an employee washing his hands and spraying perfume in his mouth] We only ask that you, one, practice good hygiene, [the screen shows an employee wiping the table] two, maintain good work habits, [the screen shows a banana split UFO flying around] and three, believe in extraterrestrials.
  • Reginald Goober: [enters the UFO] Peace, hugs, and ice cream! [flies away in the UFO]
  • Video announcer: [laughs] The end.
  • [The screen pans out, revealing that Patrick slept through the whole tutorial video. The Goofy Goober's manager turns off the television.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: Hello, Goofy newbie.
  • Patrick: [yelps as he suddenly wakes up] Can I have my ice cream now?
  • Goofy Goober manager: Not until your first break. [chuckles] I'm your manager and I want you to know that I appreciate you. Now let's get you started. [leads Patrick to the sink] You will be washing dishes today. [gives Patrick dishwashing detergent] What do you think of that?
  • Patrick: Oh, I had a thought once. [his head fuzzes]
  • Goofy Goober manager: [chuckles] Ooh, you sure put the Goofy in Goober! I'll check on you in a few minutes. [leaves]
  • [Patrick picks up a dirty bowl and sniffs it. He then gets an idea. The screen shows the time card, "a few minutes later..." The Goofy Goober comes back in and sees all of the dishes done. Patrick is playing with the dishwashing detergent.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: Exceptional! Show me how you cleaned all these dishes so fast.
  • Patrick: Okay! [takes a bowl, puts it in his mouth and swooshes around; then he takes it out again]
  • [The manager is shocked at what Patrick did and his eyes become bloodshot.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: [takes the bowl] Never tell anyone you did that.
  • Patrick: [spits out a spoon] Is it time for my first break?
  • Goofy Goober manager: Not yet.
  • Patrick: Aww! [squeezes the dishwashing detergent bottle]
  • [The scene changes to the freezer.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: This should be easy. [clears throat as Patrick shivers] Just unload the boxes of ice cream from the truck, and stack them in the freezer. Okay, repeat it back to me.
  • Patrick: [shakily] When the bell rings, I peel a banana and run like the devil.
  • Goofy Goober manager: [confused] Uh. Eh, close enough. [leaves]
  • [The screen shows the time card, "one hour later..." Patrick is standing outside the freezer, but the thermostat is turn up way too high, melting all the ice cream inside.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: [comes back] Ooh, good, good! The truck is empty. [touches the door knob but it burns his hand; he yelps in pain] That's hot! [takes out a towel, opens the door and melted ice cream flows out, flooding the entire ice cream parlor.]
  • [Patrick is seen fishing on a raft, pulling off a reference to Tom Sawyer.]
  • Patrick: Nothing's biting today.
  • Goofy Goober manager: Newbie, why would you turn the heat on in the freezer?
  • Patrick: Oh, it was freezing in there, and the fire I built wasn't doing it.
  • Goofy Goober manager: What?! [sinks into the melted ice cream]
  • [The scene changes to Patrick dressed in a Goofy Goober suit.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: Now, this should be easy for you. You just walk around as Goofy the Goober and wave to the kids. But a warning—Sometimes the kids get a little over-affectionate.
  • [A little girl is hugging Patrick's leg. Patrick quivers in fear.]
  • Little girl #1: I love you, Goofy Goober!
  • Goofy Goober manager: [laughs] So cute. Good luck! [leaves]
  • Little boy: [jumps on Patrick's suit] I want you to be my daddy!
  • Little girl #2: [jumps on Patrick's suit with a nutcracker] I want to crack this nut! [squeezes Patrick's suit with the nutcracker]
  • [Patrick shakes the little girl with the nutcracker off. The little girl is sent flying into a carton of ice cream.]
  • Patrick: Sorry.
  • [The little girl comes out with a big blob of ice cream and happily runs around. The other kids join her as they follow her and run around. Patrick notices that their ice cream is unguarded.]
  • Patrick: Oh. Unattended ice cream. [opens his suit and sucks up some ice cream with the vacuum] Mustn't let it go to waste.
  • [Patrick sucks up all of the ice cream from the bowls. The manager shows up and is not impressed with Patrick's behavior. He turns the vacuum off. He opens Patrick's suit and sees tons of ice cream in it. He takes out some ice cream from Patrick's mouth.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: I think you better go home and clean up.
  • Patrick: [whinny] But I haven't had my first ice cream break!
  • Goofy Goober manager: I'll give you another chance tomorrow. If it doesn't work out, I'm afraid you're fired...[clears throat] in a most appreciative way.
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob sitting on Patrick's rock, playing his nose like a flute. Just then, Patrick comes by and feels very depressed.]
  • Patrick: [Stupidly not recognizing SpongeBob and tries to walk away]Oh, sorry, mister. I thought this was my rock.
  • SpongeBob: [slides down and laughs] Patrick, this is your rock. I was waiting for you. How was your first day at work?
  • Patrick: Oh, I can't do anything right. I'll probably get fired tomorrow.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, you poor little sea star. Tell you what, buddy—Tomorrow, I'll come with you to work and help out.
  • Patrick: [Stupidly]Oh, thanks, kind stranger!
  • [The scene changes back to Goofy Goober's the following day.]
  • Patrick: Okay, tell me for the gajillionth time, how is this gonna work?
  • SpongeBob: I'll show you. [climbs into Patrick's uniform] If you put arm arms behind you, I can be your hands.
  • Patrick: Ooh, so when I scoop ice cream—
  • SpongeBob: I'll do the scoopin'.
  • Patrick: And when I give change—
  • SpongeBob: [throws out money] I'll do the countin'.
  • Patrick: And when my butt itches—
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm not doing that.
  • [The scene changes back inside Goofy Goober's.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: Okay, ready for your second, and last chance? [gets a bit suspicious as he nearly notices SpongeBob in Patrick's uniform; but chuckles] Let me show you how to make—
  • Patrick: Ice cream sandwiches? [SpongeBob's arms wave out of his uniform] I think I got this.
  • [SpongeBob makes a tower of ice cream sandwiches and puts a flag on top. A little eskimo comes out of the ice cream sandwich tower.]
  • Patrick: Time for my first break?
  • Goofy Goober manager: Oh, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet. [chuckles] But I think you're ready for the big time. [cuts to Patrick at the counter] All right, kid. Relax, don't choke, and try to have fun. [leaves]
  • Patrick: Easy, queasy, lemon squeezy.
  • [SpongeBob makes a perfect banana split.]
  • SpongeBob: Ta-da! [puts a cherry on top]
  • Patrick: Work is hard work. [falls asleep]
  • [SpongeBob makes random ice cream dishes for the children. He makes a sundae with a graham cracker windmill, impressing the children. Then he puts sprinkles on them. Then he juggles some of the ice cream toppings and ingredients. Then he takes a blob of vanilla ice cream and morphs it into a puppet.]
  • SpongeBob: [plays with the ice cream puppet] Hello, folks! I'm Edible Edie! Start with my head!
  • [The children laugh and cheer at SpongeBob's outstanding performances. SpongeBob drives out of the counter in an ice cream boatmobile.]
  • Goofy Goober manager: [laughs] Great job, newbie. Now you can take your first break.
  • Patrick: My break? I can eat ice cream now?
  • Goofy Goober manager: All you can handle.
  • [Patrick drives out of Goofy Goobers in the ice cream boatmobile. He abruptly stops it outside, causing SpongeBob and Patrick to fall out and land on the ground.]
  • Patrick: Thanks for your help, buddy. Now, let's dig in.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I'd love to. [his watch beeps] But if I don't hurry, I'll be late for my job. Sure you can handle that ice cream all...[pauses] by yourself? [sees Patrick eating the entire ice cream boatmobile] Silly question. [Patrick eats an ice cream sandwich and burps] Good luck, my employed pal. [leaves for the Krusty Krab]
  • Patrick: [looks at his drawn watch] Oh! Only two more minutes for my break! And two more minutes for ice cream!
  • [Patrick reenters Goofy Goober's and eats all the ice cream at the counter. Then he eats the soft served ice cream from the ice cream machine.]
  • Kids: [chanting] Chug, chug, chug, chug!
  • [Patrick is all chubby and fat from eating all that soft serve ice cream. Then he hops around, knocking over some bowls and ice cream cups. He lands in the center of Goofy Goober, takes a deep breath and sucks up all the ice cream. But something happens. After eating all that ice cream, his body begins to shiver.]
  • Patrick: Brain freeze!
  • [Patrick's body becomes covered in ice and the ice freezes up Goofy Goober's, Bikini Bottom, Bikini Atoll, and the entire world.]
  • French narrator: (Robotic speak) Five billion years later...
  • [After five billion years into the future, everything is thawed out.]
  • Patrick: [sees himself thawed out] I think that went well!
  • Goofy Goober manager: [gets real angry and breaks out of the ice] You are fired! [breathes heavily as children happily run past him]
  • Patrick: That's okay! I'm lactose intolerant anyways. [chuckles] A little— [exits Goofy Goober's and climbs into a banana split UFO just like Reginald Goober did] Peace, hugs, and ice cream! [flies off in the UFO]
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