Kuzco: Aah! Wee-be-be-bee. Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, poweful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. [Crying] Well, actually my story. That's right-- I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco... Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy, and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what. You go back always-- you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense. All right, now see, that's a little too far back. Oh, ho! Look at me! That's me as a baby.
Baby Kuzco: Waah!
Kuzco: Ahem! All right, let's move ahead. Oh, yeah.
Theme song guy: ♪ There are despots and dictators. Political manipulators. There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas. There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements. They'd be better suited swinging from the trees. He was born and raised to rule, no one has ever been as cool, in a thousand years of aristocracy. ♪
[Ship's Horn Blows]
Theme song guy: ♪ An enigma and a mystery in Mesoamerican history, the quintessence of perfection that is he. ♪
Kuzco: OK, this is the real me. Not this. This. Not this. Winner! Loser. OK, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out. [Snaps Fingers] Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.
Theme song guy: ♪ Oh, yeah! He's the sovereign lord of the nation, he's the hippest cat in creation. He's the alpha, the omega, A to Z. ♪
Theme song guy: ♪ And this perfect world will spin, around his every little whim, 'cause this perfect world begins and ends with... ♪
Theme song guy: ♪ What's his name? ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme song guy: ♪ That's his name! ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme song guy: ♪ He's the king of the world! ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme song guy: ♪ Is he hip or what? ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme song guy: ♪ Yeah! ♪
Kuzco: Gow! You threw off my groove!
Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the emperor's groove.
Kuzco: You were saying?
Theme song guy: ♪ What's his name? Kuzco! ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme song guy: ♪ That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah. Oww! ♪
Kuzco: Ha! Boom, baby!
Royal Recordkeeper: Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.
Kuzco: All righty. Trot out the ladies. Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes, yikes, yikes, and let me guess. You have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?
Royal Recordkeeper: Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, perhaps--
Kuzco: What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up. Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Pacha.
Pacha: Uh, excuse me. I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco. You see, I got this summons--
Guard: Inside, up the stairs, and to the left. Just follow the signs.
Pacha: Oh, great. Thanks a lot.
Kuzco: Uh, and don't be fooled by the folksy peasant look.
Rudy: Pardon me. That's mine.
Pacha: Oh, here you go.
Rudy: Thank you.
Pacha: You're welcome. Aah! Oh, hey. Are you all right? Here. Let me, uh--
Rudy: Oh, you're so very kind.
Pacha: What happened?
Rudy: Well, I... I threw off the emperor's groove.
Rudy: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life, his pattern of behavior. I threw it off, and the emperor had me thrown out the window.
Pacha: [Gasps] Oh, really? I'm supposed to see him today.
Rudy: Don't throw off his groove!
Pacha: Oh, OK.
Rudy: Beware the groove.
Pacha: Hey, are you gonna be all right?
Kuzco: You see what I mean? This guy's trouble, but as bad as he is, he is nothing compared to what's coming up next.
Yzma: And why have you come here today?
Peasant: Well... Your Highness-- I mean, Your Grace.
Kuzco: OK, gang. Check out this piece of work. This is Yzma, the emperor's advisor-- living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.
Kronk: Yeah, I got that there, Yzma. Unh!
Kuzco: Yep, that's Kronk. Now lately, Yzma's gotten into this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinkin' that's got to stop.
Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether your family has... What was it again?
Peasant: Um, food.
Yzma: Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants. We're through here. Take him away. Next!
Peasant: But I-- Oh, OK.
Kuzco: The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?
Yzma: Tell me about it. Aah!
Kuzco: Hi there.
Yzma: Ooh, Your Highness.
Yzma: Oh, oh, oh, ha ha ha. Um...
Kuzco: Uh, you were doing it again.
Yzma: Doing? Doing... Doing what?
Kuzco: Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor. Remember that?
Yzma: But, Your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.
Kuzco: Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? What the-- How long has that been there?
Kronk: Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco?
Kuzco: Whoa! No touchy! No touchy. No touch.
Servant: Excuse me, Your Highness. The village leader is here to see you.
Kuzco: Oh, great. Send him in. Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, fired?
Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outppacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option... Take your pick. I got more.
Yzma: But I-- You--uh-- Uhh. But-- But, Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for--for--for many, many years.
Kuzco: Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago. So...who's in my chair?
Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Kuzco: Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack.
Kronk: Got it! Unh! Oof!
Kuzco: OK, you heard the man. Up, up, up.
Kronk: I'm OK. I'm fine.
Kuzco: Ah. OK. Show him in.
Pacha: Ahem. Uh, afternoon, Your Highness. I'm here because I recived a summons--
Kuzco: Hey, there he is! My main village man.
Pacha: Um, Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons--
Kuzco: Pacha. That's right. You are just the man I wanted to see.
Pacha: I am?
Kuzco: Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can't you?
Pacha: Sure. I'll do what I can.
Kuzco: Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
Pacha: Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you-- My village?
Kuzco: Oh, yeah. You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don't you? Ha ha ha!
Pacha: Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last 6 generations.
Kuzco: Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you find you get the most sun?
Pacha: Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.
Kuzco: Well, that settles it.
Kuzco: Yep. Problem solved. Thanks for coming.
Pacha: That's it? That's all you wanted me for?
Kuzco: I just needed an insider's opinion before I OK'd this spot for my pool.
Pacha: Uh...your pool?
Kuzco: Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway complete with water slide.
Kuzco: Isn't it great? It's my birthday gift to me. Ha! I'm so happy.
Pacha: Uh...uh... um...I don't understand how this could happen.
Kuzco: Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word, and your town will be destroyed to make way for this...
[Hums Carnival Tune]
Kuzco: So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.
Pacha: But, um, where will we live?
Kuzco: Hmm... Don't know, don't care. How's that?
Pacha: Oh, but wait. You can't--
Kuzco: When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye!
Pacha: Oh, w--wait. No--
Kuzco: Heh heh Boohoo. Oh, yeah. Everything was goin' my way. Or so I thought.
Yzma: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is? Does he... A little to the left. ...have any idea of who he's dealing with? How could he do this to me? Why, I practically raised him.
Kronk: Yeah, you think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: Yeah, go figure.
Kronk: Well, it's better you're takin' out your anger on these things instead of Kuzco, huh?
Yzma: [Gasps] That's it, Kronk! That's it!
Yzma: I'll get rid of Kuzco. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Kronk: The real Kuzco?
Yzma: Of course the real Kuzco. Don't you see? It's perfect. With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
Kronk: So how does that work with you bein' fired and all?
Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?
Yzma: To the secret lab! Pull the lever, Kronk. Wrong lever!
Yzma: Why do we even have that lever?
Yzma: Get out of my way!
Skull: Please remain seated and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
Kronk: Faster, faster! Yzma, put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Yzma: Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, ah ha ha ha! I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. Oh ho ho ho. Feel the power.
Kronk: Oh... I can feel it.
Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's dinner time. So...is everything ready for tonight?
Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad and then see how we feel after that.
Yzma: Not the dinner... The you know.
Kronk: Oh, right. The poison-- The poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen specially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison. That poison?
Yzma: Yes! That poison.
Kronk: Got you covered.
Yzma: Excellent. A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead for dessert.
Kronk: Which is a real shame, because it's gonna be delicious.
[Door Bangs Open]
Kuzco: Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub. I am one hungry king of the world. So...no hard feelings about being let go.
Yzma: None whatsoever. Kronk, get the emperor a drink.
Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything OK back there? Well, heh.
Kronk: Oh, uh... Ooh. The drinks were a bit on the... hmm... oh...ugh...warm side. Heh heh. Hey, did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Yzma: Ha ha ha. Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!
Kronk: [Under His Breath] Don't drink the wine. [Coughing] Poison.
Kuzco: Ah! Tasty.
Yzma: Finally! Ha ha ha! Good work, Kronk.
Kronk: Oh, they're so easy to make. I'll get you the recipe.
Yzma: Now to get rid of the body.
Kuzco: OK! What were we saying?
Yzma: Uh...we were just making a toast to your long and... healthy rule.
Kuzco: Right. So what are you gonna do? I mean, you've been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time. Um...
Yzma: Ahem. [Humming]
Kuzco: It might be difficult for someone of your age adjusting to life in the private sector. Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend? Heh heh.
Kuzco: Now, about you finding new work...
Yzma: Hit him on the head.
Kuzco: ...that's--that's gonna be tough.
Kronk: More broccoli?
Kuzco: Because you're... you know. Let's face it. You're no spring chicken, and I mean that in the best possible way.
Yzma: What? A llama? He's supposed to be dead!
Kronk: Yeah, weird.
Yzma: Let me see that vial. This isn't poison. This is extract of llama. Ugh!
Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
Kronk: What about dinner?
Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: How about dessert?
Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: All right. A quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!
[Kronk Singing Jazz Scat]
Kronk: ♪ Cha cha cha cha. ♪
Kuzco: Guess where I am right now. Uh-huh. In the bag. Still think I'm the victim here? Watch. It gets better.
Kronk: Hey! ♪ Ba-da ba-da ba-da-da. ♪
Kuzco: Ugh, he's doing his own theme music?
Kronk: ♪ Ba-da ba-da ba-da ba. Ba-da-ba. ♪
Kuzco: Gig, dumb, and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.
Kronk: Huhh! Mission accomplished.
Kronk angel: You're not just gonna let him did like that, are you?
Kronk: My shoulder angel.
Kronk devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
Kronk angel: Oh, come off it.
Kronk devil: You come off it!
Kronk angel: You.
Kronk devil: You.
Kronk angel: You.
Kronk devil: You infinity.
Kronk angel: Uhh!
Kronk devil: Listen up, big guy. I got 3 good reasons why you should just walk away. "Number one..." Look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing.
Kronk angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
Kronk devil: Oh, right. That's a harp... and that's a dress.
Kronk angel: Robe!
Kronk devil: Reason number 2. Look what I can do. Ha ha ha!
Kronk: But...what does that have to do with anything?
Kronk angel: No, no. He's got a point.
Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're sort of confusing me, so begone! Uh, or, uh, you know. However I get rid of you guys.
Kronk devil: That'll work.
Kuzco: Um, what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to me?
Kronk: Oh, boy. Think, think, think. What to do, what to do? What do we do with the body?
Pacha: [Sighs] What am I gonna tell the village?
Kronk: Come on, Kronky. Come on, Kronky. OK. What do I do? What do I do? Aah!
Kronk: Back! Elbow! Shoulder! Unh!
Kronk: Oh. Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Excuse me. Excuse me. Stop! Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry about that. Comin' through. Hey, you with the cart! Uh-oh. This is not good. Uhh. Hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.
Tipo: Mom, Mom! I think I'm still growing! Measure me again!
Chicha: All right, Tipo. Stand still and let's see.
Chaca: Mom, you and I both know that it's impossible for him to have grown in the last 5 minutes.
Chicha: Mmm! Mmm!
Chaca: Isn't it?
Chicha: [Gasps] Look how much you've grown!
Chaca: What? Tipo, get out of the way. It's my turn again. Measure me.
Tipo: Dad's home!
Pacha: Hey, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Come here. Ha ha ha!
[All Three Laughing]
Tipo: Dad! I ate a bug today!
Pacha: Oh! Was Mom baking again? Heh. Don't tell her I said that.
Chicha: I heard that. OK, everybody, move aside. Lady with a baby coming through.
Tipo: Dad, Dad, Dad! Look at how big I am! We were all measured today.
Tipo: I'm going through a growth spurt. I'm as big as you were when you were me.
Pacha: Mm-hmm. Sure are.
Chaca: That's not as impressive as my loose tooth. See?
Chicha: Okay, Okay, you two. Our deal was that you could stay awake until Daddy came home. Now say good night.
Both: Dad, do we have to?
Pacha: No, you two can stay up. We're just gonna be sitting here telling each other how much we love each other. Right, honey? [Coos]
Both: Good night.
Chicha: So what did the emperor want?
Pacha: Ahem. You know what? He couldn't see me.
Chicha: Couldn't see you? Why not?
Pacha: I don't know.
Chicha: Well, that's just rude.
Pacha: Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.
Chicha: No, no, no, no. No. Emperor or no emperor, it's called common courtesy.
Chicha: If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him, and you know I would.
Pacha: Sweetie, sweetie, think of the baby.
Chicha: Pacha, I'm fine. The baby's not coming for a while, but even if it was, I'd give tha guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just--just-- Uhh! [Snarls] I gotta go was something. Pacha? You OK?
Pacha: Hmm? Oh, yeah. I'm just a little tired from the trip. Um...I'm gonna go put Misty away.
Kuzco: Uh, heh heh. Hi. Excuse me. 2 seconds here. Um, I'm the one in the cart Remember? This story's about me, not him. OK. You got it? All right. We're gonna move ahead. Sorry to slow you down. Heh heh heh.
Pacha: OK, demon llama. Just take it easy. I mean you no harm.
Kuzco: What are you talking talking about-- Oh, wait. I know you. You're that whiny peasant.
Pacha: [Gasps] Emperor Kuzco?
Kuzco: Yeah. Who do you think you were talkin' to?
Pacha: Uh...how did-- Um... you don't... look like the emperor.
Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha: Uh...oh... do this...
Kuzco: What is this, some kind of little game you country folk like to-- Aah! It can't be! Aah! Aah! Aah! My face! Aah! My beautiful, beautiful face!
Pacha: Okay, Okay, Okay.
Kuzco: I'm an ugly, stinky llama!
Pacha: Wait, Okay, Your Majesty.
Kuzco: Llama face!
Pacha: Shh! What happened?
Kuzco: I'm trying to figure that out, Okay? [Laughing Hysterically] [Whimpering Frantically] Ohh-ho! I can't remember. I can't remember anything. Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Ohh! And you turned me into a llama!
Pacha: What? No, I did not.
Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me.
Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?
Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the crinimal mastermind, not me.
Kuzco: Hmm. You're right. That's giving you way too much credit. OK. I have to get back to the palace. Yzma's got that "secret lab." I'll just snap my fingers and order her to change me back. Hey, you. No waste. Let's go. Hey, tiny, I want to get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.
Pacha: Build your summerhouse somewhere else.
Kuzco: You want to run that by me again?
Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Kuzco: Hmm. I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer. I don't make deals with peasants!
Pacha: Then I guess I can't take you back.
Kuzco: Fine. I don't need you. I can find my own way back.
Pacha: I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little dangerous if you don't know the way.
Kuzco: Nice try, pal.
Pacha: No, reay. I'm telling you, there are jaguars and snakes and quicksand.
Kuzco: [High Voice] I'm not listening.
Pacha: I'm not kidding. Listen, you cannot go in there.
Kuzco: La la la la. Oh. Heh heh. Still not listening.
Pacha: Aw, you... Fine. Fine. Go ahead! If there's no Kuzco, there's no Kuzcotopia. Takes care of my problem. Hmm.
Kuzco: [Kuzco Laughs] Scary jungle. Right. Ooh, a leaf. Ooh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree. [High Voice] I'm afraid. Ha ha. Please. Never find my way? I'm the emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?
Kuzco: [Gasps] Wha--
Fly: Help me! Help me! Help me!
Fly: Too late.
Kuzco: OK, that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen. [Gasps]
Pacha: Don't worry, Your Highness. I gotcha. You're safe now.
Kuzco: Maybe I just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha: No, no, no. It's--It's OK. This--This is all right. We can figure this out.
Kuzco: I hate you.
Kuzco: Yaah! Aah! Ow!
Kuzco: Whoo hoo hoo! Aah! Ow! Ow! Uhh!
Kuzco: [Spits] I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on. Boo-yah! Whoo!
Pacha: [Gasps] [Gasps] [Inhales] [Sighs] Your Highness. Your Highness, can you hear me? Oh, boy. Come on, breathe. Breathe! Ohh. Why me? Ooh! All right. [Inhales] Ohh!
Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss.
Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it... [Spits] it was disgusting. And if you would've done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could've been spared your little kiss of life.
Kuzco: But now that you're here, you will take me back to the palace. I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. Oh, yeah.
Pacha: OK, now, look, I think we got off on the wrong foot here. Mm-hmm. I think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.
Kuzco: And why would I do that?
Pacha: Because... deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.
Kuzco: And that's... bad?
Pacha: [Laughs] Well, yeah. Nobody's that heartless.
Kuzco: Mmm. Now take me back.
Pacha: What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.
Kuzco: Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program, eh, Pacha?
Pacha: You know what? Someday, you're going to wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Kuzco: Thanks for that. I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha: Looks to me like you're stuck out here, because unlese you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.
Kuzco: [Imitates] Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back. Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't-- Somebody's throwing stuff. You going to build a fire or what?
Pacha: [Sighs] He's never going to change his mind.
Kuzco: Ohh. How am I ever going to get out of here? [Muttering, Shivering] [Stops Shivering]
Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince...
Yzma: taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his 18th birthday.
Kronk: Poor little guy.
Yzma: His legacy will live on our hearts...
Kronk: He had never had a chance.
Yzma: for all eternity.
Yzma: Well, he ain't gettin' any deader. Back to work.
Yzma: Kronk, darlin', I must you had me worried when you mixed up those poisons, but now that Kuzco is dead, all is forgiven.
Kronk: Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's... Heh. He's dead, all right. Heh heh. I mean, you can't get much deader than he-- then he is right now. Unless, of course, we killed him again.
Yzma: I suppose.
Kronk: Hey, look, the royal dresser's here.
Kronk: I should tell you right now I'm kind of hard to fit.
Kronk: I wear a 66 long and a 31 waist.
Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
Kronk: Do you need to hear all those words exactly?
Yzma: He's still alive?
Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as would've hoped.
Kronk: I just thought I'd give you the heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yzma: He can't come back!
Kronk: Yeah. That would be kind of awkward-- especially after that lovely eulogy.
Yzma: You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we are through! Now let's move!
Tipo: Dad, look out! [Panting]
Chicha: Tipo, what is it?
Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and careening out of control down a raging river of death!
Chicha: All right, all right, it's OK.
Tipo: It was awful!
Chicha: Shh! It's OK, it's OK. Tipo, calm down. It was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.
Tipo: Oh. Like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.
Chicha: That's right.
Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.
Tipo: Yeah, like that would ever happen.
Chaca: It could.
[Continue Bickering Quickly]
Chica: Good night, you two.
Both: Night, Mom!
Chaca: Yeah-huh. Yeah-huh.
Tipo: Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.
Pacha: Ooh! [Coughs] B-B-Brr!
Kuzco: Uh, hey. Thanks.
Pacha: Oh. No problem.
Kuzco: Feels like wool.
Pacha: Oh, yeah, it is.
Kuzco: Oh, yeah, I thought so. It's nice.
Pacha: My wife made it.
Kuzco: Oh, she knits?
Kuzco: Crochets? Nice.
Kuzco: So... So, I was thinking that when I got back to the city, we'd, uh... I mean, there's lots of hilltops, and maybe I might, you know... I--I might...
Pacha: Are you saying... you've changed your mind?
Kuzco: Oh, well, I--I...
Pacha: Because you know that means you're doing something nice for something else.
Kuzco: No, I know that. I know.
Pacha: And you're all right with that?
Kuzco: Yes. What?
Pacha: Don't shake unless you mean it. All right. Let's get you back to the palace. Oh, by the way, thanks.
Kuzco: No... thank you.
Pacha: OK. Once we cross this bridge, it's only an hour to the palace.
Kuzco: Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.
Pacha: I believe it. What was that?
Pacha: Ohh! Whoa! Kuzco! Kuzco!
Pacha: Quick, help me up!
Kuzco: No. I don't think I will.
Pacha: You're going to leave me here?
Kuzco: Well, I was going to have you imprisoned for life, but I kind of like this better.
Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.
Kuzco: Oh, come on. I had to say something to get you to take me back to the city.
Pacha: So all of it was a lie?
Kuzco: Well, yeah. No, wait. Uh, yeah, yeah. It all was a lie. Toodles.
Pacha: We shook hands on it! [Echoes]
Kuzco: You know, the funny thing about about shaking hands is... you need hands. Ha! OK. Buh-bye. Aah!
Pacha: Are you OK? Are you all right?
Kuzco: Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm all right.
Pacha: Good! That's for going back on your promise!
Kuzco: Yii! Yeah. That's for kiddnapping me and taking me to your village... which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. Ah ha ha ha! No touchy. Ooh!
Pacha: Why did I risk my life for a slefish brat like you? I was always taught that there was good in everyone, but ooh, you proved me wrong.
Kuzco: Oh, boohoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.
Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.
Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly and stupid.
Pacha: Let's end this.
Kuzco: Ladies first.
Both: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Kuzco: What are we gonna do? Aah! What are we gonna do? We're gonna die! We're gonna die! That's it for me!
Pacha: No, we're not. Calm down. I have an idea. Give me your arm. OK, now the other one. When I say go, push against my back, and we'll walk up the hill. Ready? Go.
Kuzco: Ow! You did that on purpose. Aah!
Pacha: No, I didn't! Now, we're gonna have to work together to get out of this, so follow my lead. Ready? Right foot.
Kuzco: Whose right? Your right or mine?
Pacha: I don't care. Mine.
Kuzco: Well, why yours?
Pacha: OK, your right! Ready?
Kuzco: OK, got it.
Pacha: OK, right. Left. Right.
Kuzco: Ha ha! Look, we're moving!
Pacha: Don't look down! Now, stay with me. Stay with me. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right!
Kuzco: Now what, genius?
Pacha: Working on it. OK, here's the deal. Stretch out your neck, and I'll grab the rope.
Kuzco: How do I know you won't let me fall after you grab the rope?
Pacha: You're just gonna have to trust me!
Kuzco: [Strains] You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy, or this would be really difficult. Aah! Aah!
Pacha: Almost. Got it! It's stuck.
Kuzco: Take your time. No hurry here. Scorpions! Aah ha ha!
Kuzco: Aah! Oh, no!
Pacha: Uhh! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Kuzco: Huh? Aah! Aah!
Kuzco: Look out!
Pacha: Ohh! Ohh.
Kuzco: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Ooh, look at me and my bad self. I snatched you right out of the air. "Ooh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Pacha: You just saved my life.
Kuzco: Huh? So?
Pacha: I knew it.
Kuzco: Knew what?
Pacha: That there is some good in you after all.
Kuzco: Oh, no.
Pacha: Admit it.
Pacha: Yes, there is.
Pacha: I think there is.
Pacha: Hey, you could've let me fall.
Kuzco: Come on, what's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless. [Gasps] Don't read too much into it. It was a one-time thing.
Pacha: Right. Sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a 4-day walk to the palace.
Kuzco: What? You mean you're still taking me back?
Pacha: I shook on it, didn't I?
Kuzco: Well, yeah, but I hope you realize that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.
Pacha: Well, 4 days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.
Kuzco: Uh-huh. 4 days. What are the chances of you carrying me? Not good.
Yzma: No, no, no! We've searched every village surrounding the palace and still no sign of Kuzco. Where is he? Kronk!
Kronk: Kronk here.
Yzma: I'm getting tired. Pull over.
Kronk: Sure thing. Kronk out. Ooh! Aah! Aah! Ohh!
Yzma: [Straining] Perfect. These are my best shoes. I hate this jungle.
Kronk: Oh, look. A golden-throated small-winged warbler. Just one more for exotic bird bingo.
Kronk: I am loving this.
Yzma: Get away from me! Uhh.
Kronk: Yeah. Tell me about it.
Kronk: No, no, it's not you. She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there. Trust me.
Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?
Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk. I had to be versed in the woodland creatures. Please continue.
Yzma: Aah! Why me? Why me?
Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy has had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.
Yzma: Oh, a talking llama? Ha ha ha ha! Do tell. Heh heh heh heh!
Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really want to talk to you.
Yzma: Well, then you ask him.
Kronk: [Sighs] I hate being in the middle. Squeaky, uh... squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.
Bucky: [Chatters] Aah!
Kronk: Jaguars? No kidding? Brutal.
Kronk: Uh, could you give us a little room here?
Yzma: Uh, sorry.
Kronk: A little bit more, please.
Yzma: How is this?
Kronk: Yeah, that's good.
Yzma: Now ask him which way the talking llama went!
Kronk: Uh, squeakity-squeak, squeakin'.
Pacha: Low blood sugar, huh?
Kuzco: Yeah. It's a curse. Ha. Well, as soon as we get something to eat, you're walking the rest of the way.
Mata: [Sighs] Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug...
Mata: ...of meat. What'll it be?
Pacha: Ahem. We'll have 2 specials. Is that all right, dear?
Kuzco: Oh, whatever you say, pumpkin. You know what I like.
Pacha: Hee hee hee. We're on our honeymoon.
Mata: Bless you for coming out in public. So that's 2 specials.
Kuzco: And an onion log. To split. [Giggles]
Mata: Ordering! I need 2 heartburns and a deep-fried doorstop on table 12!
Pacha: OK, so I'll admit this was a good idea.
Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?
Pacha: That's funny, because I thought you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really bad ideas.
Kuzco: Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.
Mata: Hot and crispy pillbug for the happy couple. Mazel tov.
Pacha: Oh, boy.
Kuzco: Ooh. Ugh. Bluh. Urp!
Pacha: Oh, here. Let me get that for you.
Kuzco: Bleaggh! Uck!
Pacha: Where are you going?
Kuzco: I'm just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef.
Pacha: You're gonna get us thrown out.
Kuzco: Please. With this disguise, I'm invisible.
Man: Heh heh!
Yzma: We've been walking around in circles for who knows how long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel. I should have done away with Kuzco myself when I had the chance.
Kronk: Oh, you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that.
Kronk: Uh-oh. I'll get you another one, Yzma.
Kronk: You using that fork there, pal? Hey, don't I know you?
Pacha: I don't think so.
Kronk: Wrestled you in high school?
Pacha: Don't remember that.
Kronk: Metal shop? I got it! Miss Narca's interpretive dance--2 semesters. Is was usually in the back of my weak ankles. Come on, pal. You gotta help me out here.
Pacha: I don't think we've ever met, but I gotta go.
Kronk: Don't worry. I'll think of it.
Kuzco: Look, all I know is the food looked iffy. I'm not the only one that thinks that, I'm sure.
Pacha: Psst! Hey!
Kuzco: So I'm just checking to make sure you're going to take the main course up a notch.
Yzma: Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?
Kronk: Hang on. I'll go ask the chef.
Kuzco: It's a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible... on this menu?
Kuzco: Hey, I didn't ask him about dessert yet!
Kronk: Hey, pal, what's your policy on making special orders?
Chef: All right, buster, that's it! You want a special order, then you make it! I quit!
Kronk: Yeah, but I--
Chef: I try and I try, but there's no respect for anyone with vision. That's it! There's just nothing I can do about it!
Kronk: Please don't go.
Mata: 3 pork combos, extra bacon on the side, 2 chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?
Kronk: 3 oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill, got it.
Kuzco: What's going on?
Pacha: No time to explain. We gotta get out of here.
Yzma: What is he doing in there?
Pacha: Uhh! Come on!
Kuzco: In a minute. I'm still hungry.
Pacha: No, Kuzco!
Kuzco: OK, I'll make it simple for you. I'll have a spinach omlet with wheat toast. You got it?
Kronk: Can do.
Yzma: What's taking so long?
Yzma: Kronk! What are you doing?
Kronk: Kinda busy here.
Yzma: Why am I not surprised?
Kronk: You order's up!
Yzma: Ohh! Oh, well, while you're at it, make me the special. And hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup!
Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have you to charge you full price.
Kuzco: Hey, about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kuzco: Cheese me no likee.
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Come on, make up your mind!
Kuzco: OK, OK, on second thought...
Both: Make my potatoes a salad.
Pacha: Excuse me. You see that woman over there? [Mumbling]
Mata: No problem, hon. We do that all the time.
Waiters: ♪ 1, 2, 3, 4! Happy, happy birthday from all of us to you! We wish it was our birthday, so we could party, too! Happy, happy birthday, may all your dreams come true! ♪
Kronk: Ha ha ha! It's your birthday?
Kuzco: [Grunting] What are you doing?
Pacha: Look, there's 2 people in there looking for you.
Pacha: A big guy and a skinny old woman.
Kuzco: Wait. Was this woman scary beyond all reason?
Pacha: Oh, yeah.
Kuzco: That's Yzma and Kronk! I'm saved!
Pacha: Trust me, they're not here to save you.
Kuzco: They'll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You've been great. I can take it from here.
Pacha: You don't understand. They're trying to kill you.
Kuzco: Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me.
Pacha: No. I can't let you!
Kuzco: What? Wha-- Oh, I get it!
Kuzco: You don't want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever.
Kuzco: This has all been an act, and I almost fell for it.
Pacha: Will you just listen to me--
Kuzco: No, no, you listen to me. All you care about is your stupid hilltop!
Kuzco: You don't care about me. Now, just get out of here. Go!
Kuzco: Go on! Get outta here!
Pacha: Fine! Hmph!
Yzma: Oh, this entire mess is all your fault.
Kronk: What'd I do?
Yzma: If you hadn't mixed up those poisons, Kuzco would be dead now! There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and kill him!
Kronk: Said I was sorry. Can't just let it go. Not even your birthday.
Yzma: Kuzco must be eliminated. The empire will finally be rid of that useless slug.
Kronk: You got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he's gone, do they?
Kuzco: Pacha! Pacha? [Sighs]
Kuzco: So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had. Hey, give it a rest up there, will you? What? I'm just telling them what happened. Who you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing, they know what happened. Well, yeah, but... Just leave me alone.
Kronk: [Snoring] [Gasps] The peasant at the diner! He didn't pay his check. [Snoring] He's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart. He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma!
Yzma: This had better be good!
Kuzco: [Sighs] [Sniffs] [Gulp] Yeech.
Pacha: So, there we were standing on the dliff, and the ground started to rumble. And just as it started to go, he grabbed me before I fell. Do you believe that? You know, call me crazy for following this guy all the way out here, but as much as he tries to deny it, I know there's some good in him. Besides, I couldn't just leave him out here all alone. He's a lousy llama. I mean, a really lousy llama.
Kuzco: Hey, listen, Pacha, you know, what I said to you back at the diner, that--that-- I--I didn't really...
Pacha: So...you tired of being a llama?
Kuzco: [Sniffles] [Crying] Ye-ee-ee-es! [Sniff]
Pacha: Okay, we're just gonna stop at the house and get some supplies.
Kuzco: Then we'll be on our way, right?
Man: Hey, there, Pacha. You just missed your realatives.
Pacha: My realitives?
Man: Yeah. We just sent them up to your house.
Pacha: What did they look like?
Man: See, there was this big guy and this older woman is... How would you describe her? Scary beyond all reason. Yeah, that's it.
Chicha: So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?
Yzma: Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great-aunt. Heh heh. Twice removed. [Sips]
Yzma: Isn't that right, Kronk?
Chaca: ♪ 99 monkeys jumpin' on the bed. ♪
Kronk: ♪ One fell off and bumped his head. ♪
Chicha: You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way, but as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure and tell him you came by.
Yzma: Oh, would you, please? That would be just great. Oops. Silly me.
Chicha: No, no. Allow me.
Yzma: She's hiding something. When I give the word, we search the house.
Kronk: OK, but I still have 94 monkeys to go.
Yzma: Grr! So, while we're waiting for Paca--
Yzma: Oh, yes. Perhaps we can have a tour of your lovely home.
Chicha: You know, why don't you just come back when Pacha gets home? I'm sure he'd love to show you the... [Stammers] Excuse me, won't you? I think I left something in the oven.
Kronk: This is my variation of double-dutch. On the signal, we switch places.
Yzma: Kronk, it's time!
Pacha: So, we have to get back to the palace, find the lab, and change him back.
Kuzco: Hi there! Aah!
Pacha: That was him.
Tipo: You know what? I don't believe you're really my great-aunt. You're more like my great-great-great...
Chicha: Go. I'll stall them long enough for you two to get a head start.
Pacha: Thanks, honey.
Kuzco: You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.
Yzma: Grr! All right! Are you through?
Chicha: So, where were we?
Yzma: Listen, sister, we're not leaving until--
Chicha: I show you the house. Of course.
Kuzco: Was it a good idea to leave your family with those two?
Pacha: Oh, don't worry. They can handle themselves.
Chicha: What do you mean, the door is stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
Yzma: There is no handle in here.
Chicha: There's not? Are you sure?
Yzma: All right, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Uh, don't you mean "or"?
Yzma: [Sighs] Tell us where the talking llama is or we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which is it? That seems a pretty crucial conjuction.
Yzma: That's it! Kronk, break the door down!
Kronk: Break it down? Are you kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany.
Yzma: I don't care, you fool. Get out of my way. I'll break it down myself. A-one...
Chicha: OK, kids, you know what to do.
Both: Right, Mom!
Yzma: 3! Aah!
Woman: OK, children, on your mark, get set, go!
Yzma: Ow! Ow! Stop it, you little brats! Huh? Ow! Oh, there they go, Kronk! They're getting away!
Kronk: Ha ha ha! Well, I had a great time. Let's not wait until the next family reunion to get together.
Kronk: I, uh, I gotta run.
Kuzco: OK, why does she even have that lever?
Skull: Please remain seated and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
Pacha: What does it look like?
Kuzco: I don't know. Just keep looking.
Pacha: Over here! It has to be one of these. Lions, tigers, bears...
Yzma: Oh, my. Looking for this?
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?
Yzma: Uh...how did we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, you got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
Yzma: Oh, well, back to business.
Kuzco: OK, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice I should have been, but, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey, that's kind of like what we said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know. It's called a cruel irony-- like my dependence on you.
Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting this.
Kuzco: [Sighs] Oh, OK.
Yzma: Ha ha! Finish them off.
Kronk devil: Hey, you're not backing down now, are you, big guy?
Kronk: Uh, where's the other guy? Yo!
Kronk angel: Sorry I'm late. So, what'd I miss?
Kronk: Well, Yzma just tossed me this knife and asked me to, you know, take them out. Then this guy popped up and we waited for you, and quite honestly--
Yzma: Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Kronk angel: Whoa now.
Yzma: A really, really big stupid monkey named Kronk!
Kronk devil: Ouch.
Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs. Never!
Kronk devil: That's it. She's going down.
Kronk angel: Now, now, remember, guys. From above, the wicked shall receive theor just reward.
All: That'll work.
Kronk: Strange. That usually works.
Yzma: And so does this!
Kronk: Ah. Should have seen that coming. Whoa!
Yzma: Aah! Give me that vial!
Yzma: Ah! Ha ha! Aah! Oops. Clumsy me. Which one? Which one?
Yzma: Better hurry. I'm expecting company. Kill them! They murdered the emperor!
Kuzco: No, wait! I'm the emperor! It's me--Kuzco! They're not listening to me!
Pacha: Just take 'em all!
Guards: Yaah! Yaah!
Yzma: Get them!
Cow guard: Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?
Yzma: You're excused. Anyone else?
All: No, we're good.
Yzma: Get them!
Pacha: We've gotta change your back. Try this one.
Turtle Kuzco: Uh, Pacha? A little help!
Pacha: Come on! Come on!
Turtle Kuzco: Aah!
Pacha: Oh, please be something with wings.
Bird Kuzco: Yeah! We're flyin'! Uh-oh!
Bird Kuzco: We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials. I'm picking the next one!
Pacha: Fine by me! Give me that one!
Whale Kuzco: Don't you say a word. Aah!
Yzma: Quick! Drain the canals!
Pacha: Open up!
Kuzco: Yay! I'm a llama again! Wait...
Yzma: There they go! After them!
Lizard guard: Come on, men! Nobody lives forever! Charge!
Yzma: Grr! Aah!
Pacha: OK, only 2 left. It's gotta be one of these. No!
Yzma kitty: Ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! Meow.
Kuzco: I'll take that.
Pacha: This is the one. This'll change you back to a human.
Kuzco: Ow! Hey, get her off!
Kuzco: Get her off me!
Kuzco: Aah! Ow!
Pacha: Drink the potion!
Kuzco: OK, OK! Aah! Where did it go? Where is it?
Yzma kitty: [Squeaky] Looking for this? Is that my voice? [Coughs] Is that my voice? Oh, well.
Kuzco: No! Don't drop it!
Yzma kitty: I'm not going to drop it, you fool! I'm going to drink it! And once I turn back into my beautiful self, I'm going to kill you! Ha ha ha! [Grunting]
Yzma kitty: Aah! Uh-oh. Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Pacha: Uhh! Whoa! Uhh! Oh-oh-oh! Kuzco!
Kuzco: Be right there! Give me a minute! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
Pacha: Kuzco! Whoa! Kuzco! Aah! Oh. The vial!
Yzma kitty: Aah!
Guard: For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline.
Man: You know, pal, you could have told me that before I set it up.
Yzma kitty: Aah! Aah! Uhh-- Huh? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hee hee ha ha ha--
Pacha: The vial! You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Yzma kitty: Ah ha ha ha ha! I win.
Pacha: Got it!
Kronk: What are the odds of that trapdoor leading me out here?
Pacha: Yeah! Uhh. [Clears Throat] Here, uh, let me get this for you.
Kuzco: Well, see ya on the other side.
Rudy: Oh, now, you--you... you stop being so hard on yourself. All is forgiven.
Kuzco: You're sure?
Rudy: Oh, it's not the first time I was tossed out a window, and it won't be the last. What can I say? I'm a rebel.
Kuzco: Whoa-ho-ho, tiger. Oh! Hey, I got to use that arm later. OK, buddy, take care. Ha ha. Ah, he's a sweet guy. So, you lied to me.
Pacha: I did?
Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this bridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills, and I did not hear any singing. So... I'll be building my summer home on a more magical hill. Thank you.
Pacha: Hmm. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp, I'm on it. Looks like you and your family are stuck on that tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.
Kuzco: Ha! Boom, baby!
Pacha: Ha! Boom, baby!
Theme song guy: ♪ You'd be the coolest dude in the nation. Or the hippest cat in creation. But if you ain't got friends, then nothing's worth the fuss. A perfect world will come to be, when everybody here can see. That a perfect world begins and ends, a perfect worlds begins and ends. A perfect world begins and ends with us! ♪