Amy:[takes the horn] Okay, you can have this back in the morning.
Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Amy: I’ll put that on the list with peaches and felt. What is it?
Sheldon: A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoki before they took it so I’d be ripped.
Amy: I love it. Thank you.
Sheldon: And it’s not just an MRI. The frontal orbital cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.
Amy:[now touched] Sheldon. [they kiss]
Sheldon: We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities.
Amy: Is that okay?
Sheldon: I didn’t put on my come-hither plaid PJs for nothing.
Amy: You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid. You are a mystery. [Romance starts.]
Penny:[Knocking.] Guys, wake up. Bernadette’s having her baby.
Leonard: Come on. We’re going to the hospital.
Amy: I guess…I guess we should stop.
Sheldon: Yeah, I’m afraid so. Child birth. Looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genetics. [Amy smiles.]
Althea: Now I see three of you. Do we know the father, or is this some Mama Mia nonsense?
Howard: I’m the father.
Althea: Okay, Dad, how far apart are the contractions?
Howard: No idea. Ask him. [gestures to Raj]
Raj: Twelve minutes.
Althea: Twelve minutes? Why are you here?
Stuart: Aren’t we supposed to get here an hour and a half early?
Althea: This is the hospital, not the airport.
Bernadette: I’m sorry. It’s our first time.
Althea: It’s okay. The little one will be here before you know it. Do you know what we’re having?
Howard: No. we’re keeping it a surprise.
Althea: Old school. Nice.
Bernadette: Not that old school. He knows. [gestures to Raj]
Raj: You see, I was at the doctor’s office and the folder was right there, so I took a peek…
Howard: And talking like this doesn’t make it sound less creepy.
Althea: Sweetheart, go home. Come back when the contractions are five minutes apart for an hour.
Raj: That’s ambiguous. Is that five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour apart or is that five minutes with the first contraction so essentially like sixty-five minutes.
Althea:[annoyed by Raj's technicality] I’m just throwing this out, but home births are very popular these days.
Sheldon: Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.
Amy: So…where were we?
Sheldon: Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.
Amy: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.
Amy:[Laughs] Well, shall we start over?
Sheldon: Very well.
Amy: What’s wrong.
Sheldon: I’m not sure. Earlier tonight things began organically and now it’s being forced like all the “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequels .
Amy: Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We-we don’t have to rush.
Sheldon: Oh, okay, I know that Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it and I don’t want to disappoint them.
Amy: And the mood continues to change.
Sheldon: No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I…You know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.
Amy: Ho..hold it. I think I might have a little surprise that might get things back on track.
Sheldon: Intriguing. Is “back on track” a hint that it has something to do with trains?
Sheldon: Because if it did have to do with trains and you were gonna give…
Amy: It’s not about trains!
Sheldon: Oh, not even a cozy sleeper on the Orient Express?
Amy: Stop talking about trains!
Sheldon: Who’s killing the mood now?
Sheldon: Can I look yet?
Amy: One second. All right you can open your eyes. [Sheldon opens his eyes, and sees her in a Harry Potter Hufflepuff robe and scarf. holding a wand] I thought I’d let Harry Potter make things hotter. [Giggles]
Amy: I got a Gryffindor robe for you.
Sheldon: Oh… A Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl. You went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.
Amy: I did. Am I in trouble?
Sheldon: Yes you’re in trouble…. You went to the Wizarding World without me.
Amy: Wait. What just happened?
Sheldon: You know. I’ve been planning to go.
Amy: Sheldon, do you really want to argue with me on my birthday?
Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry. [they kiss]
Amy: Oh, Happy Birthday to me! [Chortles]
Amy:[answers the door.] Is this about the baby?
Raj: No. People just keep kicking me out wherever I go.
Amy: Good. Then you’re used to this. [shuts the door]
Penny:[running out of 4A] Hey, Bernadette’s water broke!
Leonard: Come on. Everybody to the hospital!
Amy: You’ve got to be kidding me!
Howard: Just try to relax. We’ll be there any minute. Stuart, stop driving like an old man. Speed up a little.
Stuart: I’m not an old man! I just can’t see at night.
Bernadette:[groaning in pain] Here comes another one. Hey, squinty! The gas pedal’s on the right!
Stuart: All right, hang on. If you see any pedestrians, just call ‘em out.
Raj: This is not how I pictured this day going; I should be with them right now.
Penny: It's funny, Howard and Bernadette are having their baby on your birthday.
Amy: Yeah, but I thought this baby was supposed to ruin their sex life, not mine.
Raj: And the worst part is they kicked me out and let Stuart stay!
Amy: I understand, but can you just let it go? This is a very special day for them.
Sheldon: You know, I just found out Amy went to a Harry Potter theme park without me, but I'm not going to ruin her birthday. I'll just ruin 24 individual hours throughout the year. [touches Amy's nose] Boop!
Howard: Deep breaths. Slow breaths.
Bernadette: I’m so thirsty. Give me more ice chips.
Stuart:[crunching] Sorry, I thought these were room ice chips. I’ll go get some more.
Howard: Uh, Stuart. While you’re out there, don’t come back.
Howard: So, what are we gonna name this kid? Now that we know she’s a girl, it kind of ruins my plan for Wally Wolowitz.
Bernadette: Could name her after your mom.
Howard: Debbie? [chuckles] No. She hated that name.
Bernadette: Did she have a middle name?
Bernadette: Let’s keep thinking.
Howard: It sucks that she’s not here.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Hmm. She would’ve been the best grandma.
Bernadette: She did always have candy in her pocket.
Howard: Yeah. I was twenty years old before I figured out Tootsie Rolls weren’t naturally warm.
Bernadette: I didn’t know her five minutes and she asked, “Are you a Milky Way or a Snickers girl?”
Howard: Thank God you answered right, we wouldn’t be here today.
Howard: Come on, Bernie, breathe. Remember what you learned in birthing class.
Bernadette: I remember thinking, “this is stupid” and I was right!
Howard: Do you want me to get the nurse?
Bernadette: No! If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I’m gonna cross my legs and snap ‘em off!
Howard: She’s here. The baby’s here.
[Everyone stands up from the chairs]
Raj: Congratulations! [hugs Howard]
Amy: How’s Bernadette?
Howard: Tired, but great. They’re both great.
Penny: Does the baby have a name yet?
Howard: We have named her Halley.
Penny:[almost gushing] Oh!
Leonard: Like Halley’s comet!
Howard: Exactly. Also like the comet, Bernadette said she’s not gonna have sex with me for another 75 years.
Amy:[to Sheldon, hastily] That’s not a real thing, he’s just joking.
Howard: I’m gonna get back. Thank you for staying up, I can’t wait for Halley to meet her new aunts and uncles, and [turns to Raj] godfather.
Howard: Of course.
Raj: You hear that, Stuart? I’ve got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing!
Penny: Oh, look at all the babies!
Sheldon: Some may be successful, some may be homeless. [Amy looks at him] It’s fun to think about.
Leonard: I wonder which one’s Halley.
Amy: Kind of hard to see the names.
Penny: Mm, that one kind of looks like Bernadette.
Amy: They all look the same to me.
Raj: Guys, she’s my goddaughter, I think I’ll know when I see her.
Halley:[cries like Debbie Wolowitz, freaking out the adults]
Raj: That one.
Raj: I'm gonna drive like they do in India. [angrily honks horn] GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU SYPHILITIC DOGS!
Amy: Well, that was quite a day.
Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius Pankius.
Amy: I was afraid you’d be too tired.
Sheldon: Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting in line. If that’s not foreplay, I don’t know what is. [chases Amy into the apartment]