Sheldon: (tied up and blindfolded) Unhand me! This is ridiculous!
Howard: (crossly) I told you to put tape on his mouth!
Raj: (also cross) And I told you he bit me!

[The highway scene of Sheldon complaining in the Richard Feynman van]
Sheldon: It's bad enough that I'm being taken here against my will. I don't see why it has to be in some hippie's mobile sex dungeon.

Howard: We are going to Meh-he-co!
Leonard: Fun, I've never been there!
Sheldon: Leonard, don't be fooled! I'm from Texas-- Meh-he-co is Spanish for Mexico.
Raj: What’s wrong with Mexico?
Sheldon: Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around 'cause there's a worm inside.
Howard: Okay, calm down. There's a theme to this weekend. We are going to Mexico in Feynman's van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel Prize.
Sheldon: Viva la Imodium! Ay-ay-ay!

Bernadette: Come on. Leonard's doing bachelor stuff. You sure we can't take you to a strip club?
Penny: Nah, if I want to see a naked man dancing, I just flush the toilet while Leonard's in the shower.
Amy: Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Amy: I know we're not making a fuss, but in the spirit of bachelorette parties, I made cookies in the shape of male genitals.
Penny: You really didn't have to... Whoa! That is anatomic.
Amy: Thank you. The veins are gummy worms.
Bernadette: Oh, look, Jewish and gentile.
Amy: I had extra dough.
Penny: Oh, that's Leonard. He said they're about to cross the border.
Bernadette: I hope the boys don't get too crazy in Mexico.
Penny: Oh, yeah, right. Lock up your daughters or Sheldon might lecture them about the North American Free Trade Agreement.
Amy: Boy, that was a long night for me.

Amy: So, Penny, how's married life?
Penny: Oh, it's good. I just wish Leonard would work up the courage to tell Sheldon he's moving in here.
Bernadette: (rather puzzled) You guys still aren't living together?
Penny: We are. I mean, he sleeps here. But it's only a matter of time before Sheldon has a bad dream and tries to climb into bed with the Leonard-shaped pile of pillows.
Bernadette: (turns to Amy) Speaking of Sheldon. How is single life treating you?
Amy: Fine, I guess. I've been focusing on me. I was thinking about changing my wardrobe.
Penny: Yes!
Bernadette: Good for you!
Amy: But then I decided I didn't want to change who I am just because of some man.
Penny: Yes.
Bernadette: Good for you.
Penny: You know, it is normal to change your look after a breakup.
Amy: Actually, I was thinking of making one small change.
Bernadette: Your sweater. Your glasses.
Penny: Your hair. Your shoes.
Amy: Piercing my ears.
Penny: Oh.
Bernadette: You really never had that done?
Amy: My mom said pierced ears were for whores, pirates and genies.
Penny: Okay, well, you're a grown woman now.
Amy: I know, but Sheldon had this clause in the Relationship Agreement forbidding cosmetic surgery unless it's to look like a Klingon.
Bernadette: We'll take you to the mall to get it done.
Penny: Why? I can do it right here.
Amy: Really? You have a piercing gun?
Penny: No. All you need is a needle and an ice cube. I've done it, like, a dozen times.
Amy: Oh, I don't know.
Penny: Oh, come on. I'll be gentle. Let me take your ear virginity.
Bernadette: (miserably confused) This party's weird.

(The 'SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE: PERCUSSIVE SHOCK' scene of Leonard hitting the tire's hub-cap of the Richard Feynman van with a metal crowbar for a few seconds, Raj stamps his foot and claps his hands for four seconds as part of making the beat to Queen's "We Will Rock You" to which Howard now sings a verse with 'percussive shock you' instead of 'rock you')
Howard: (singing) We will, We will, percussive shock you.
(the beat continues as Leonard, Raj and Howard sing together)
Leonard, Howard and Raj: (singing together) We will, We will percussive shock you.
Sheldon: (singing falsetto) Buddy you're a boy. Make a big noise. Playin' in the street. Gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face, you big disgrace. Kickin' your can all over the place.
(Raj, Howard and Leonard look at Sheldon in a shock of reaction)
Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. Sometimes it's a curse.

(The 'SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE: THERMAL EXPANSION' scene of which Raj is setting a little flame to tortilla chip)
Raj: I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source.
Leonard: They're basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let's hope the lug nut expands.
Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?
Howard: We have plenty of food for the animals.
Sheldon: We do?
Howard: Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt.
Sheldon: That's not very nice.
Leonard: It's a bachelor party. Lighten up.

Sheldon: What is that awful smell?
Howard: It's burning salsa. I'm hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off.
Sheldon: What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don't give your MIT education enough credit.
Howard: Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.

(The 'SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE: EXOTHERMIC REACTION' scene of the men and the Richard Feynman van at night starting off with the sound of Sheldon scraping the last bits metal onto the plate. He now walks up)
Sheldon: All right, this rust, combined with the aluminum recovered from the van, is now thermite.
Howard: Couple of pinches ought to do the trick.
Raj: Is that enough to melt the lug nut?
Leonard: Well, let's start small. We can always add more,
Howard: You put up a good fight lug nut, but you've met your "match". (Howard giggles after he has lit up his match)
(Here is a scene of The Feynman van now in flames. Pan to Leonard, Howard, Sheldon and Raj looking extremely worried)
Raj: Hey, look! The lug nut's off.

(The scene in Penny's apartment where Amy is on her phone to her mother)
Amy: Hi, Mom.
Penny: Try dialing.
Amy: You saw that, huh? Hi, Mom. How are you doing? Oh, good. How's work? That's nice. I'm fine. Hey, listen, I've been meaning to ask, how come Aunt Doe and Aunt Florence never got along?
Penny: Okay, just... give me that. (Takes the phone of Amy's hand and shouts at her mother.) Amy broke up with Sheldon, she got her ears pierced and she made us eat penis cookies! Hang on. (To Amy.) She wants to talk to you.

(The scene of Penny talking to her dad on her phone whilst standing up in front of the table in her apartment)
Penny: Hey, Daddy.
Wyatt: Hey, Slugger. How's my girl?
Penny: Um, good. Is Mom around?
Wyatt: Ah, she took your brother celebrating. He just got his tenth one-month sober chip. Yea, she's going to make him a little necklace.
Penny: Okay, I'll talk to her later. Uh, Dad. There's something I need to tell you. Leonard and I got married.
Wyatt: You did? When?
Penny: Last week, I'm sorry, I should have told you. It was a spur of the moment thing. I feel terrible. Please don't be too disappointed.
Wyatt: Are you happy?
Penny: Very. Leonard is so great.
Wyatt: Well, then I'm happy for you.
Penny: Aw, thank you, Daddy. That means so much.
Wyatt: Well, I understand it's hard to tell someone if you think it's gonna to upset'em.
Penny: It is. You're the best Dad ever.
Wyatt: Yeah, uh. Hold that thought. I've been sitting on a little news myself.
Penny: Well, what is it?
Wyatt: You know that rototiller I got for my tractor?
Penny: No.
Wyatt: Oh, you should see it. It's a beautiful piece of machinery. Anyway, uh... I backed over your pet pig with it.
Penny: Moondance?
Wyatt: Yeah, uh. He won't be dancing anymore.
Penny: You killed my pig?
Wyatt: I did not kill him. The vet took care of that.
Penny: When?
Wyatt: Oh. Ten, twelve months ago.
Penny: (shocked) You didn't tell me for a year?
Wyatt: Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? I love ya, slugger. Gotta go.
Bernadette: Okay, Amy, your turn.

Howard: Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants.
(bang and hiss)
Sheldon: What was that?
Howard: I think it's a tire.
Sheldon: What if it's banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?!
Howard: It's the tire.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I am getting too old for this crud.

Leonard: There's got to be something else we can try.
Raj: If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.
Howard: No it's too broad of a beam. We need something more precise, like Superman's heat vision.
Sheldon: Oh. The Green Lantern's ring and make a big green hand that unscrews it.
Raj: If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk?
Sheldon: Oh please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.
Leonard: Guys, excuse me. Not that calling one of the Avengers is a perfectly reasonable choice. We're scientists. Don't you think we can figure this out using actual science?

Bernadette: Amy, I noticed your status still says "in a relationship" on Facebook.
Amy: You're right. I should probably let all of my Facebook friends know. Penny, I'm no longer in a relationship.
Bernadette: Did you change yours to "married" yet?
Penny: Uh, no, not yet. There's still a few people I haven't told personally.
Amy: Who?
Penny: Oh, just my parents and my entire family. (clears throat)
Bernadette: What?
Amy: Why?
Penny: Well, I don't want to hurt my dad. You know, he always wanted to dance with his daughter at her wedding.
Bernadette: What about your sister's wedding?
Penny: They started to, then her water broke. You know, if he finds out we eloped, it's gonna break his heart.
Amy: How long do you think you can keep it from him?
Bernadette: Yeah, isn't it gonna get worse the longer you wait?
Penny: Well, not necessarily. You know, Dad's not getting any younger, so if I wait long enough, I'll just tell him he walked me down the aisle and it was magical.

Penny: There you go. You're all done!
Amy: That wasn't so bad. (inhales delightedly) Nice. Boy, if my mom could see me now, she'd lock me in the sin closet.
Bernadette: That's a joke, right?
Amy: Actually, the joke was on her. I could still see the TV through the slats.
Penny: I'm starting to see why you and your mom aren't very close.
Bernadette: Bet she'd still tell her if she got married.
Penny: You're not gonna let this go, are you?
Amy: Well, it's kind of sad that they don't know. I mean, they love Leonard.
Penny: Fine, you want me to call? I'll call. (exhales) Why am I so nervous?
Bernadette: It's understandable. Amy was afraid to tell her mom she broke up with Sheldon.
Penny: Yeah? How did it go? Did she make you crawl into the breaking-up drawer?
Amy: Uh, well, actually, to be honest... I-I haven't told her yet.
Penny: (she is now cross with Amy) You've been giving me a hard time and you haven't even told your mom about Sheldon?
Amy: I'm feeling a little dizzy from all the blood loss. I don't know what you're talking about.
Penny: Fine. I'm calling home, but when I'm done, you're calling your mother.
Amy: Easy for you to say. You never had to watch 60 Minutes like this.

Penny: Thanks a lot, guys.
Bernadette: (asks Penny crossly) What did we do?
Penny: (sits back in the armchair) Before I made that call, my pig was alive and happy and rolling around in the mud. Now he's illegally buried in our backyard next to my great-grandmother.
Bernadette: Really? They didn't eat him?
Penny: (angrily shocked) No. He was a beloved member of the family.
Bernadette: The breakfast meat family?
(Bernadette and Amy give smiles that make it look like they're laughing)
Penny: (angrily) It's not funny. (To Amy) You're up. Call your mother.
Amy: Oh, maybe later. Your pig dying made me sad. And a little hungry.
Penny: Phone, now.
Amy: Okay. Okay. Fine.