Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.
(The scene of Sheldon on the couch in the living room at the Wolowitz house with Bernadette putting down a tray of beverages)
Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come and speak with you.
Bernadette: Of course.
Sheldon: My relationships with Amy and Penny are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.
Bernadette: Aww. I’m honored.
Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-maw is taking a nap and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.
Bernadette: (she informs him crossly) So I’m your seventh choice.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Top ten, pretty exciting.
Bernadette: (asking him crossly) How can I help you?
Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard's moving in with Penny. It's difficult not to feel abandoned.
(Bernadette thinks crossly for a second)
Bernadette: (she suggests to him crossly) Well, why don't you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. (Sheldon nods for one second whilst he is thinking) Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.
Sheldon: Hm. Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt's all the rage right now. (Bernadette smiles shiftily for one second) I wonder how he'd feel about taking the smaller bedroom.
Stuart: (coming down the stairs) Hey.
Bernadette: Hey. (Asking Sheldon happily) You know who would be the perfect roommate?
Sheldon: Gandalf, but he's a smoker.
Bernadette: Stuart. He's been living with us for a while now. I'm sure he'd love to get us out of his hair.
Stuart: (he starts to leave immediately) Nope, couldn't be happier.
Bernadette: Well, Sheldon's looking for a...
Stuart: (he's now gone in a hurry) Nope.
Bernadette: He'll think about it.
Stuart: (out of sight) No I won't!
(The sound of the front door slamming is played to the scene of Sheldon and Bernadette gazing round the living room)
Sheldon: Just a few more signatures and then we’ll be finished. Initial here to acknowledge that you returned your key. Okay.as my future neighbor, I’d like you to have a key. Initial here to acknowledge that you received it.
Penny: I’m proud of you. You’re really taking it well.
Sheldon: It’s not like I’ll never see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C-please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.
Leonard: Do I really have to do that now?
Sheldon: NO, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. oh and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, all that’s left is to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.
Penny: What’s the matter?
Leonard: It’s harder than I thought.
Sheldon: Let me help you. L..E..O..N..
Leonard: That helped. (Signed)
Sheldon: I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions.
Sheldon: It says here you're a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?
Is that supposed to be a joke?
Sheldon: Looks like argon's not the only one with an attitude problem. In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now? I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go? You're healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I've got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you're the frontrunner.
(Scene of a really disgruntled Amy on Skype played for five seconds. Sheldon looks at her for a couple of seconds).
Amy: (she is so furious) I'm not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (sighs) But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phony Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.
Amy:(she is still furious) I'm sure you'll find somebody else.
Sheldon: I suppose. What happened to me Amy? (Amy frowns) Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell.
Amy: (she is completely fed up) I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life.
Sheldon: They didn’t used to be. (Amy has an angry think) You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin man perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.
Amy: (she's still in a fully bad mood) I don’t think that was the point of the movie.
Sheldon: Fine. Then I was like Pinocchio before that jerk Geppetto made him a real boy.
Amy: (finally loses her temper) There you go.
Penny: Well, honey, you don’t live with Sheldon anymore so you can have anything you want.
Sheldon: I realize I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable so like an operating system I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.
Leonard: You heard him. No.
Penny: Hang on. You actually think its 2003?
Sheldon: No, just because I’m living my life like it was twelve years ago doesn’t mean I’m delusional. And since its 2003, I don’t know who you are, so please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.
(The scene of Bernadette and Amy at a table for two in a swanky wine bar)
Bernadette: [she is so surprised] I can't believe Sheldon has asked you to be his roommate.
Amy: [she's also surprised] I can't believe he ran my credit.
Bernadette: [she speaks to Amy crossly] Hey, if you're open to living with someone great. I'll give you $1,000 to take Stuart.
Amy: [calmly] You really should've gone on the Internet and checked how long that kind of thing lives before you got one.
Bernadette: [she speaks to her with a concerned smile] I thought you just might have a pasty weirdo-shaped hole in your life.
Amy: [she is not very happy] Hey, I know Sheldon’s quirky, but he’s also brilliant and insightful. I think calling him a weirdo is a little unfair.
Leonard: Buddy, I know moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it’s not.
Sheldon: How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you're gone too.
Penny: Okay, you don’t know what’s going to happen.
Sheldon: No, I do. Eventually you’re going to want more space, and you’re going to move into a house.. And then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then only on special occasions like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or- or-or like when Kootherpali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding where’s she marrying someone better than me.
Raj: ♪ Thor and Dr. Jones ♪ ♪ Thor and Dr. Jones ♪ ♪ One runs from Loki ♪ ♪ The other runs from stones. ♪ So, what do you think?
Raj: Runs from stones means that-that big boulder, but I couldn't rhyme anything with boulder.
Emily: Colder, shoulder, soldier, folder...
Raj: Right, yeah, right. (Emily thinks) But... what do you think?
Emily: I think it's very cute.
Raj: Cute? It's not cute. Cute is children dressed as vegetables.
Emily: Okay, fine, it's not cute.
Raj: Just be honest. You don't like it.
Emily: I didn't say that. I-I just like music you can dance to.
Raj: You can dance to this! Um, uh, uh... ♪ Thor and Dr. Jones ♪ ♪ Thor and Dr. Jones ♪ ♪ One plays with lightning ♪ ♪ The other plays with bones. ♪
Raj: I'm telling you, dude, the song has no groove. You can't dance to it.
Howard: Who cares? I thought the whole point of Footprints on the Moon was to write songs that make people think.
Raj: You can do both, like Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean." While you're dancing you're thinking, like, "Darn it, whose baby is it?"
Howard: Where's this coming from? A few hours ago, we both loved this song.
Raj: I still love it. I just think there's room for improvement.
Howard: You played it for Emily, didn't you?
Raj: Yeah, so what?
Howard: You are such a wimp. She didn't like it, now you don't like it.
Raj: No, no. I'm just evolving as a musician. You're the one who's stuck in the past.
Howard: The past was lunch! You know what's really happening here? Your girlfriend is breaking up our band.
Raj: She has nothing to do with this. I am my own man.
Howard: Oh, please. Your brain belongs to whoever's willing to sleep with you.
Raj: That is so not true.
Howard: Really? Remember when you were gonna get circumcised for Rachel Bernstein?
Raj: That had nothing to do with Rachel. It was an overreaction to a bad zipper injury.
Howard: I don't need this. (He slams the laptop down in a rage) I'm quitting the band!
Raj: Fine, I quit, too!
Howard: Then get out of my house!
Raj: With pleasure!
(Raj now exits just as Howard sits back down on the sofa and hears the front door slamming in the background. Howard now sighs for a bit and thinks for a second. He now calls Raj back)