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EXT. SPACE - X
(As the Universal logo completes itself, we begin to slowly push in on the East Coast of the United States. The camera glides down through the atmosphere, through the clouds, closer and closer, until we begin to see large patches of snow covering the upper coastline. It's winter. We continue to push in, until we arrive at one small suburban neighborhood. Over the push-in, we hear the following narration, delivered by Patrick Stewart.)
Narrator: (voice-over) It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago. And that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes. To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes, submitted here is the story of a little boy, and a magical Christmas wish that changed his life forever.


EXT./ESTAB. A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING
Narrator: (voice-over) It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston.

Incomplete

         We see a GROUP OF KIDS laughing and tossing snowballs at
         each other in the street.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          It was Christmas Eve, and all the
          children were in high spirits. That
          special time of year when Boston children
          gather together and beat up the Jewish
          kids.
                        
         Another little kid walks out of his house with a sled,
         and starts walking up the street. One of the snowball-
         throwing kids points at the sled kid.
                        
                         KID #1
          Hey, Greenbaum!
                        
                         GREENBAUM
          Uh oh.
                        
                         KID #1
          It's Jesus' birthday tomorrow! You know
          what I'm gonna get him?
                        
                         GREENBAUM
          W...what?
                         (CONTINUED)
                         2
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         KID #1
          My fist in your fuckin' face!
                        
                         GREENBAUM
          Why would Jesus want that?
                        
                         KID #2
          Get him!
                        
         The kids all chase Greenbaum up the street, and tackle
         him. Another boy, JOHN BENNETT (about 8 years old, shy
         and innocent-looking) approaches the melee.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          But there was one child who wasn't in
          such good spirits. Little John Bennett.
          That one boy in every neighborhood who
          just has a tough time making friends.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey guys, can I play?
                        
         The kids all look at him.
                        
                         KID #1/#2/#3
          Get outta here! / Get outta here,
          Bennett! / Get lost, Bennett!
                        
         The Jewish kid, his face bloodied, looks angrily at John.
                        
                         GREENBAUM
          Yeah, Bennett, get outta here!
                        
         The kids go back to beating up Greenbaum, as John sadly
         walks back toward his house.
                        
         INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          John longed with all his heart for that
          one true friend that he could call his
          own. And he knew that if he ever found
          that friend, he would never let him go.
                        
         John sadly sits by his window with his chin in his hands,
         looking outside. John'S POV - We see the other kids all
         playing in the snow: building snowmen, throwing
         snowballs, etc. At one point, a BLACK KID IN A
         WHEELCHAIR wheels up. The other kids welcome him with
         open arms, and he immediately joins in the fun.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Well, as it does every year, Christmas
          morning finally came.
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
                         3
                        CONTINUED:
          NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          All the children were opening their gifts
          with holiday glee.
                        
                        
         INT. A SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
                        
         A LITTLE GIRL opens a present as her parents look on,
         smiling. Inside is a My Little Pony. She smiles with
         delight.
                        
                        
         INT. ANOTHER SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
                        
         A LITTLE BOY opens a present as HIS PARENTS look on,
         smiling. Inside is a G.I. Joe Hovercraft. The boy is
         overjoyed.
                        
         INT. A THIRD SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
                        
         ANOTHER LITTLE BOY opens a present as his parents look on,
         smiling. Inside is a "Darth Vader head" action figure case.
         The boy opens it up, revealing that it's full of "Star Wars"
         action figures. The boy jumps around ecstatically.
                        
                        
         EXT./ESTAB. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
                        
                        
         INT. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - SAME
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          And for little John Bennett, Christmas
          Day brought a very special new arrival.
                        
         John sits amidst unwrapped gifts. We see him opening a
         present. Inside is a plush, adorable-looking teddy bear.
         The boy holds it with delight.
                        
                         JOHN
          Wow!
                        
         HIS MOM AND DAD hug him.
                        
                         JOHN'S DAD
          I guess Santa paid attention to how good
          you were this year, huh?
                        
                         JOHN'S MOM
                         (KISSING HIM)
          Merry Christmas, John.
                        
         John hugs the teddy bear. It makes a cutesy, high-
         pitched "I wuv you" sound. John gasps with delight.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         4
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          He talks!
                        
         John giggles happily, squeezing the bear to make it talk,
         as his mom and dad exchange a smile.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          I'm gonna name you Teddy.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
                        
         John sits on the floor watching the 1980 film "Flash
         Gordon" on TV. He eats Twizzlers with Ted sitting next
         to him. Occasionally he gives Ted a "bite."
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          John became instantly attached to Teddy.
          There was something about that bear that
          made him feel as if he finally had a
          friend with whom he could share his
          deepest secrets.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey Teddy... can I tell you something
          nobody knows?
                        
         Teddy looks back at him, expressionless.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Last week, my mom and dad took me to the
          park for a picnic. And they have this
          duck pond there, and... when nobody was
          looking, I pooped in my hand and threw it
          at a duck. Was that mean?
                        
         He squeezes Ted, who once again makes the "I wuv you"
         sound.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
                         (HUGGING HIM)
          I love you too, Teddy!
                        
         John gets into bed with the teddy bear, and snuggles with
         it.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          You know... I wish you could really talk
          to me. Because then we could be best
          friends forever and ever.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         5
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         John drifts off to sleep. The camera moves toward the
         window, and drifts outside. It pulls back from the house
         slowly.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Now, if there's one thing you can be sure
          of... it's that nothing is more powerful
          than a young boy's wish.
                         (BEAT)
          Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache
          helicopter has machine guns and missiles.
          It is an unbelievably impressive
          complement of weaponry. An absolute
          death machine. Well, as it turned out,
          John picked the perfect night to make a
          wish.
                        
         EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The camera pivots around to face the sky. We see the
         snow falling from moonlit clouds. At the center of the
         clouds, there is a small patch of open air through which
         we can see stars. Suddenly, a shooting star whizzes by
         through the opening.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         SLOWLY PUSH IN on the teddy bear's face as John lies
         sleeping next to it.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NEXT MORNING
         The house and yard are covered with snow.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - SAME
                        
         John slowly opens his eyes. He turns over to face Teddy,
         but we see that Teddy is no longer next to him. John
         bolts upright and looks around, frantically.
                        
                         JOHN
          Teddy?
          (beat, a bit more concerned)
          Teddy?!
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         6
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         John looks under the covers, but the bear is not there.
         He jumps out of bed and looks around the bed's perimeter,
         assuming that Teddy must have fallen off during the
         night. Finally, he checks underneath the bed. ANGLE
         FROM UNDERNEATH THE BED we see John looking around.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Teddy?
                        
         John sits up again and freezes, looking right into the
         camera, wide eyed. ANGLE ON JOHN'S P.O.V.: We see the
         face of Teddy staring right at him. Teddy blinks once.
                        
                         TEDDY
          Hug me.
                        
         John yelps and stumbles back, falling over. He stares at
         Teddy, breathing heavily.
                        
                         JOHN
          Did you... did you just talk?
                        
                         TEDDY
          You're my best friend, John.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (BEAT)
          You're alive?!
                        
                         TEDDY
          Uh-huh.
                        
                         JOHN
          Whoa...
                        
                         TEDDY
          Don't look so surprised. You're the one
          who wished for it, aren't you?
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, I... I did wish for it.
                        
                         TEDDY
          Well, here I am.
                        
                         JOHN
          You mean... we get to be best friends...
          for real?
                        
                         TEDDY
          For real.
                        
                         JOHN
          Forever and ever?
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         7
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TEDDY
          Sounds good to me.
                        
         A huge grin spreads across John's face. He gets up, runs
         to Teddy and hugs him.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          John was just about the happiest boy in
          the world. And he couldn't wait to tell
          everyone the good news.
                        
                        
         INT. KITCHEN - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         John's Dad sits at the breakfast table, reading the paper
         as John's Mom prepares eggs and bacon, putting it on
         their plates.
                         JOHN'S MOM
          Well, I think we had a wonderful
          Christmas this year.
                        
                         JOHN'S DAD
          One of the best.
                         (SLYLY)
          And I particularly enjoyed the gift you
          gave me last night.
                        
         John runs into the kitchen.
                        
                         JOHN
          Mom! Dad! Guess what?! My teddy bear's
          alive!
                        
         John's Mom and Dad look at each other and smile.
                         JOHN'S MOM
                         (PLAYING ALONG)
          Really, sweetie? Well, that's exciting.
                        
                         JOHN
          No mom, he's alive! For real! Look!
                        
         Teddy walks in and stands next to John.
                        
                         TEDDY
          Merry Christmas, everybody!
                        
         John's Dad scrambles to his feet, knocking plates off the
         table. John's mom screams.
                        
                         JOHN'S DAD
          Jesus H. Fuck!
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         8
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TEDDY
          Let's all be best friends!
                        
                         JOHN'S MOM
          Oh my god...
                        
                         JOHN'S DAD
          John, get away from that thing! Come
          over here, right now!
                        
                         JOHN
                         BUT DAD--
                        
                         JOHN'S DAD
          GET OVER HERE!
                        
         John reluctantly walks over to his dad, who grabs him and
         protectively pulls him aside.
                        
          JOHN'S DAD (CONT'D)
          Helen, get my gun.
                        
                         JOHN
          Dad, no!
                        
                         TEDDY
          Is it a hugging gun?
                        
                         JOHN'S DAD
          Helen, get my gun, and call the police!
                        
                         TEDDY
          I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn't mean to
          scare anybody. I just wanted John and I
          to be friends.
                         JOHN
          Yeah, Dad! I made a wish last night that
          Teddy was alive, and my wish came true!
                        
                         JOHN'S MOM
                         (ASTONISHED WHISPER)
          My god, Steve... it's a miracle. A
          Christmas miracle.
                        
         They stare at Teddy for a beat.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Well, it wasn't long before the story of
          John's little miracle was sweeping the
          nation.
                         9
                        
                        
          INT. NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
                        
          We see an 80's NEWSCASTER behind the news desk. A
          graphic of the bear is over his left shoulder.
                        
                         NEWSCASTER
          Out of a Boston suburb comes what is,
          without a doubt, the most incredible
          story in the history of broadcast news...
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
          INT. DIFFERENT NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
                        
          We see an 80's FEMALE NEWSCASTER. A graphic of the bear
          is over her left shoulder.
                         FEMALE NEWSCASTER
          ...young boy's stuffed animal has
          magically come to life for as yet unknown
          reasons. Scientists are stumped as to
          how...
                        
         AA18 INT. ANOTHER NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) AA18
                        
          We see a `70S SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER with a CHYRON that says
          "ACTION NEWS GEORGIA". He points manically at the
          graphic of the bear above his left shoulder.
                        
                         SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER
          Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus
          did! Look what Jesus did!
                        
                        
          INT. JAPANESE NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
          A MALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER and FEMALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER
          sit behind the desk. Between them, at the top of the
          screen, is a picture of the bear.
                        
                         FEMALE NEWSCASTER
          (SPEAKS JAPANESE FOR A FEW MOMENTS)
                        
          The male newscaster turns sharply to her.
                        
                         MALE NEWSCASTER
          (ADDRESSES HER ANGRILY IN JAPANESE)
                        
          He strikes her for an unclear reason. She buries her
          head in her hands, in shame.
                         10
                        
                        
         INT. TONIGHT SHOW - DAY (ON TV)
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Before long, Teddy had become a huge
          celebrity in his own right.
                        
         We see REAL FOOTAGE of "The Tonight Show" from the `80's,
         with Johnny Carson talking to Teddy, who is sitting in
         the guest chair (If appropriate footage is accessible,
         will include Teddy walking out on stage, shaking hands
         with Johnny and sitting down.)
                        
         REST OF CARSON SCENE TBD BASED ON ARCHIVE FOOTAGE
                        
                        
         INT. A SHITTY APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                        
         John and Teddy are in bed, under the covers with a
         flashlight.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          But through all the fame, Teddy never
          forgot his very best friend, John.
                        
          JOHN (O.S., UNDER COVERS)
          The thunder can't get us, right?
                        
          TEDDY (O.S., UNDER COVERS)
          Nope. We're thunder buddies. And the
          thunder knows it. We're totally safe.
                        
         ANGLE UNDER THE COVERS - we now see them.
                         JOHN
          Teddy?
                        
                         TEDDY
          Yeah, John?
                        
                         JOHN
          Do you promise we'll always be together?
                        
                         TEDDY
          I promise.
                        
         Another thunder clap.
                        
                         TEDDY (CONT'D)
          Thunder buddies for life.
                        
                         JOHN
          Thunder buddies for life.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         11
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         They hug as we PULL BACK SLOWLY, dissolving through the
         covers.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          And that was a promise that neither one
          of them ever forgot.
                        
         Over the following, we continue to pull back from the
         room to the outside of the moonlit house...
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          So where are John and Teddy today? Well,
          let me put it this way: no matter how big
          a splash you make in this world, whether
          you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz,
          Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear,
          eventually nobody gives a shit.
          SMASH CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON SKYLINE - MORNING
                        
         We PAN ACROSS the Boston skyline as the opening titles
         roll. CUT TO various shots of the city throughout.
                        
         PAN DOWN to the streets below: several shots of the
         everyday bustle of the city, then we CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. YOUNG JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY (PHOTO)
                        
         Young John and Ted lie on the floor as they both grin at
         the camera, chins resting on their hands.
                        
         EXT. BACKYARD - DAY (PHOTO)
                        
         Young John and Ted wave to the camera from up in a
         treehouse.
                        
         A NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted
         shaking hands with Reagan. The headline reads:
         "America's Little Miracle". Smaller headlines read,
         "Goodbye Heart Disease, Here Comes Oat Bran!" and "The
         Future of Entertainment: The Laserdisc."
                        
         A US NEWS COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted standing in
         front of an American flag. The headline reads, "Ted,
         White, and Blue". Smaller headlines read, "Oliver North
         Draws the Heat" and "Will Your Town Soon Have Its Own
         `Robocop'?"
                         12
                        
                        
         EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
                        
         (Insert existing soapbox racer bit here)
                        
                        
         EXT. PARK (PHOTO)
                        
         Ted and young John blow out the candles on a birthday
         cake at John's ninth birthday party.
                        
                        
         INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY (PHOTO)
                        
         Larry Bird stands with young John, who has Ted standing
         on the top of his head. They are still nowhere near as
         tall as Larry.
         A TV GUIDE COVER SLIDES BY: It shows a smiling Ted with
         the headline "TV'S NEW FAVORITE GUEST STAR!" Smaller
         headlines read, "Inside: The Best Show You're Not
         Watching!" and "The Unstoppable Phil Hartman!"
                        
         WE CUT TO TBD FOOTAGE OF "WHO'S THE BOSS?" INTO WHICH
         TED HAS BEEN INSERTED.
                        
                        
         INT. YOUNG JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                        
         Young John and Ted sit on the couch smiling and laughing
         as they watch the show.
                        
                        
         EXT. STREET - NIGHT (PHOTO)
                        
         Young John wears a hooded sweatshirt as he pedals his
         bike up the street. Ted sits in the front basket, like
         E.T.
                        
         ANGLE ON a People magazine from 1992 that reads, "UP
         CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH `TERMINATOR 2's ARNOLD
         SCHWARZENEGGER!" Down below in smaller print it says
         "Plus, we talk to Ted the bear".
                        
                        
         EXT. STREET - DAY (PHOTO)
                        
         Teenage John and Ted lean against a car. Teenage John
         looks indifferent and a bit jaded now.
                        
                        
         EXT. SCHOOL - DAY (PHOTO)
                        
         John's high school graduation.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         13
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         ANGLE ON A TV - The nightly news is in progress. A news
         anchor addresses the camera. A graphic next to her reads
         "FORMER CELEBRITY BUSTED AT AIRPORT", with an
         unflattering photo of Ted.
                        
                        
         INT. AIRPORT - DAY (VIDEO)
                        
         We see Ted getting hauled away by security. A caption
         below reads "Ted caught with mushrooms at airport
         security". He's putting up a bit of a fight, and gives
         the "finger" to the camera (the finger is pixilated).
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
                        
         We see 20 year-old John sitting on his bed, laughing.
         Ted sits by his side, also laughing at the incident.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. A MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
                        
         (Insert existing "Phantom Menace" bit)
                        
                        
         INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
                        
         (Insert existing Chuck E. Cheese bit)
                        
         ANGLE ON A FACEBOOK PAGE FOR JOHN BENNETT: PAN DOWN to
         the status indicator. It reads, "In a Relationship With
         Lori Collins." An arrow clicks on her name, going to her
         page. On her wall, it reads "Lori has added 3 new photos
         in the album Mobile Uploads".
                        
                        
         EXT. OUTDOOR FAIR - DAY (PHOTO)
                        
         Lori and John smile as Lori holds a big stuffed bear that
         John has won for her at a booth. Ted stands nearby, arms
         crossed, with a deep, disapproving scowl.
                        
                        
         EXT. PARK - DAY (PHOTO)
                        
         In the photo, presumably taken by John, Lori stands
         laughing as Ted stands behind her (standing on something)
         covering her eyes with his paws.
                         14
                        
                        
         EXT. STABLES - DAY (PHOTO)
                        
         John and Lori are set for a trail ride. They are both on
         horses, wearing helmets. WIDEN TO REVEAL Ted, who also
         wears a helmet, but rides a smiling golden retriever.
                        
                        
         EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
                        
         John, Lori, and Ted play miniature golf. Lori putts the
         ball, which rolls to the lip of the cup. She reacts,
         disappointed. Ted makes a graceful leg sweep, pushing
         the ball into the cup "accidentally". Lori smiles. John
         smiles back at her. Ted winks.
                        
                        
         EXT. BASEBALL GAME - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
         (Insert "Jeter sucks" bit)
                        
                        
         EXT. LAKE - DAY (EXISTING PHOTO)
                        
                        
         EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY
                        
         John, Lori and Ted sit outside at a table, each holding
         an ice cream cone. They stare deadpan at the camera,
         each with a dab of ice cream on their noses, and a dab of
         ice cream on their upper lips.
                        
                        
         EXT./ESTAB. - JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
         John and Lori paint the apartment walls. Lori sneaks up
         behind John, and paints his back. John turns around and
         grabs her. They scuffle playfully, and then kiss. We
         ANGLE ON Ted, who stands on a little stepladder hammering
         a "Home Sweet Home" picture into the wall. He steps
         back, but realizes he has nailed his hand to the wall.
         He tugs, slips, and the ladder falls. Ted hangs there
         like an idiot.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)
                        
         John, Lori, and Ted sit on the couch. All three sit with
         their legs crossed, faux-pretentiously raising glasses of
         Jorian Hill Syrah to camera in identical poses, the wine
         bottle on the table in front of them.
                         15
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)
                        
         We see a photo Ted has taken of himself. In the
         background are John and Lori, playing Scrabble. Ted is
         in the foreground, smiling at the camera as he holds up
         his letters. He has spelled out the word "DOUCHE", with
         an extra B and G to spare.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         John, Ted, and Lori watch a horror movie on the couch.
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON COMMON - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
                        
         (Insert existing John/Lori swan boat footage.)
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - MORNING
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
                        
         CLOSE ON a bong. PULL OUT TO REVEAL Ted, who inhales,
         his snout inside the tube. Ted sits on the sofa, and for
         the first time, we see Ted in his present day form: he is
         ratty, patched-up, and worn-looking. He has a couple
         stains, some small spots of exposed stuffing, and there's
         evidence of some half-assed sewing. It's obvious he's
         been around for three decades. He and John, who sits
         next to him, are both clearly stoned as we join them.
         John, for his part, looks far too comfortable in the too-
         worn Red Sox T-shirt he wears. He eats directly from a
         box of Fruity Pebbles. Reaching in for a last handful,
         he finds the box almost empty. He raises it to empty the
         remainder into his mouth, and accidentally pours Fruity
         Pebbles all over his face. It doesn't faze him much,
         though, as he brushes them off. It's quite obvious that
         this is a guy who has never really given up his
         childhood... and has never given up his teddy bear. Ted
         passes the bong to John.
                        
                         TED
          All I'm sayin' is Boston women are are,
          on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than
          women from the elsewheres of life.
                        
                         JOHN
          That's bullshit, what about Lori? She's
          hot.
                        
                         TED
          Lori's from Pennsylvania, not a Boston
          girl.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         16
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          They're not that bad.
                        
         John takes a hit from the bong over Ted's next line.
                        
                         TED
          The fact that you have to say they're not
          that bad means that they are that bad.
          They turn into drunk, half-white, half-
          pink monsters after 2 hours at any beach.
                        
         Ted takes a hit from the bong.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
                         (COUGHS)
          Jesus, this is weak. It's not even
          gettin' me high. I gotta have a talk
          with my weed guy.
                        
                         JOHN
          I-- It's workin' for me.
                        
                         TED
          I think it sucks, I'm gonna have a talk
          with him.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, I don't know that you wanna go to a
          drug dealer with complaints.
                        
                         TED
          No, I know this guy a long time. I've
          known him since 9/11. Remember, I was
          like, "Aw, shit. 9/11. I gotta get
          high."
                         JOHN
          (looks at his watch)
          Oh fuck, is it nine-thirty? Shit, I
          gotta get to work.
                        
         John gets up, and hurries into the other room to get
         dressed.
                        
                         TED
          Hey, you mind pickin' up a bird feeder on
          the way home? I wanna start enjoying the
          beauty of birds.
                        
          JOHN (O.S.)
          Jesus, I don't know if I can drive.
                        
                         TED
          I'll drive you, I feel fine.
                         17
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON STREETS - CONTINUOUS
                        
         We see two shots of John's car driving through the city:
         We see John in the passenger's seat putting Visine into
         his eyes, with only Ted's ears and eyes showing as he
         drives (his paws grip the wheel). We then cut to an
         overhead pull-back shot as we move away from the car to
         reveal it crossing Boston's huge suspension bridge.
                        
                        
         EXT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - MORNING
                        
         John's car pulls up the street and into the parking lot,
         scraping its side against the corner headlight of one of
         the rental cars.
                        
                         JOHN/TED
          Aw, Jesus. / Fuck.
                        
         ANGLE ON Ted's feet. There are wooden blocks attached to
         the pedals so that his feet can reach them. He slams on
         the brakes. ANGLE OUTSIDE THE CAR. John gets out, and
         looks at the damage.
                        
                         JOHN
          Aw, man.
                        
                         TED
          Is it bad?
                        
                         JOHN
          It's not good.
                        
         ANGLE ON THE RENT-A-CAR OFFICE - THOMAS, the branch
         manager, an intense, middle-aged man, is standing in the
         doorway.
                         THOMAS
          John! May I speak with you, please?
                        
                         JOHN
          Shit.
                        
                         TED
          It's okay, go, go, I'll pull outta here.
                         (WAVING)
          Hi, Thomas! How are ya?
                        
         Thomas dryly waves back. Ted pulls forward, scraping the
         car again. He abruptly pulls out into traffic, and
         another car swerves a bit to get around him, honking.
                        
                         OTHER DRIVER
          Asshole!
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         18
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
                         (OVERLAPPING)
          Easy, Jersey license!
                        
         Ted drives away.
                        
                        
         INT. THOMAS' OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         Thomas sits at his desk facing John.
                        
                         THOMAS
          John, it's almost ten o'clock.
                        
                         JOHN
          I know, I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
                         THOMAS
          What do you mean?
                        
                         JOHN
                         (BEAT)
          I guess I... wasn't really prepared for a
          follow-up question.
                        
                         THOMAS
          John, all you have to do is not fuck up,
          and you get my job when I go to corporate
          next month. You will be the new branch
          manager. All you have to do is not fuck
          up, and all you're doing is fucking up.
          Not that I don't think you're too fucked
          up to handle not fucking up my job, but
          you happen to be the least fucked-up
          person in the whole office. The next
          least fucked-up is Alix, and you've been
          here three fucking years longer than him.
          But I'm telling you, I will promote the
          fuck out of him if you fuck up one more
          time. That is all. Fuck.
                        
                         JOHN
          Sir, I promise, you're not gonna regret
          promoting the fuck out of me.
                        
                         THOMAS
          Good. I like hearing that. Because in a
          month my life now could be your life: a
          cushy $38,000-a-year branch manager who's
          personal friends with Tom Skerritt. It's
          not a bad life, is it?
                        
                         JOHN
          N--no.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         19
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         THOMAS
          Did you know I'm friends with Tom
          Skerritt?
                        
                         JOHN
          No.
                        
                         THOMAS
          I'll show you something I don't show too
          many people, because I don't want anyone
          treating me differently.
                        
         Thomas takes out a framed picture of himself with Tom
         Skerritt.
                        
                         THOMAS (CONT'D)
          That's me and Tom Skerritt.
                         JOHN
                         (SLIGHTLY OVERDONE)
          Wowwww.
                        
                         THOMAS
          Goddamn right, wow. Now get outta here.
          I'm gonna dock you for being late, and
          for the scratch on that car. Try and be
          a little more responsible tomorrow.
                        
                         JOHN
          I will, sir. Thank you. I won't let you
          down, Goose.
                        
                         THOMAS
          What?
                        
                         JOHN
          Top Gun.
                        
                         THOMAS
          So?
                        
                         JOHN
          Tom Skerritt.
                        
                         THOMAS
          Oh.
                        
         John exits.
                        
                        
         INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR FRONT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         John emerges from Thomas' office, and walks out into the
         front desk area.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         20
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         We see his coworker, Guy (a burly Patrick-Warburton
         type), handing a car key and a rental envelope to a
         pleasant-looking couple. He looks tired, disheveled, and
         a little bruised.
                        
                         GUY
          There you go, here's your key and rental
          agreement, and a complimentary map of
          Boston. Thanks for choosing Liberty,
          drive safely.
                        
                         HUSBAND/WIFE
          Thank you./Thanks so much.
                        
         The couple exits. Guy turns to face John.
                        
                         GUY
          Hey, heard you got busted.
                        
                         JOHN
          Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, what
          happened?
                        
                         GUY
          I don't know, man. I got fuckin' wasted
          last night, and my phone says I texted
          somebody at 3:15 asking them to beat me
          up. And then at 4:30 I texted the same
          person saying thanks.
                        
                         JOHN
          And you don't remember it?
                        
                         GUY
          No. Same as last time.
                         JOHN
          It... it just seems gay, doesn't it?
                        
                         GUY
          I don't know. Maybe, yeah.
                        
                         JOHN
          Do you think you're part of some, like,
          gay beat-up underworld? Like one of
          those gay beat-up clubs?
                        
                         GUY
          I don't know. I dig chicks. I don't
          remember any of it, I was so fucked up.
          I might be gay, I don't know. You mind
          covering for me for a bit? I'm gonna go
          lay down in the john.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         21
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Guy starts to leave, when ALIX, a foreign guy with a
         vague European accent, long dark hair, and a great tan
         walks up.
                        
                         ALIX
          Hey you buddies. Where's it hanging?
                        
                         GUY/JOHN
          Hey Alix. / Hey, how was the club last
          night?
                        
                         ALIX
          Ah, I didn't get in because the bouncer
          was doucheface, but I made friends in the
          line.
                        
                         GUY
          Oh, well, that's good I guess.
                        
         We see TANYA, an unbelievably gorgeous salesgirl, enter
         from the back with a set of keys.
                        
                         TANYA
          Hi you guys.
                        
         Over the following, Tanya puts the keys away, walks over
         to her station and sits.
                        
                         ALIX
          You look so pretty today.
                        
                         TANYA
          Aw, thanks Alix, I worked out this
          morning.
                        
                         ALIX
          I can tell, you are less fat than you
          have been.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey guys, does anybody know a nice
          restaurant? Like something where the
          napkins are cloth?
                        
                         GUY
          For what?
                        
                         JOHN
          Lori and I have been dating four years
          tomorrow, and I wanted to take her
          someplace nice.
                        
                         TANYA
          Oh wow, congratulations, John.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         22
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         GUY
          You guys`ve been goin' out for four
          years?
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah.
                        
                         GUY
                         THAT'S IN--
                         (HIGH-PITCHED)
          --saaaane, my longest relationship was
          like six months, and then she farted in
          her sleep. I'm like, I am outta here,
          man. Was gone before she woke up.
                        
                         JOHN
          Wow, you're... not very tolerant, huh.
                         GUY
          Lori ever fart in front of you?
                        
                         JOHN
          Yes.
                        
                         GUY
          Really.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yes. Many times.
                        
                         GUY
          You Italian?
                        
                         JOHN
          No.
                         GUY
          Oh.
                        
                         JOHN
          Why?
                        
                         GUY
          I dunno, just seems like-- never mind,
          take her to Benihana.
                        
                         TANYA
          Don't you think after four years, maybe
          she's probably hoping for something more
          than dinner?
                        
                         JOHN
          Like what?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         23
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TANYA
          Well, if I were her, I'd be expecting a
          proposal.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh come on, nobody's expecting anybody to
          propose. Marriage isn't... I mean, isn't
          love enough? I submit that love is
          enough.
                        
                         GUY
          You could put the ring in her ass and let
          her fart it out.
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
                        
         John and Ted sit on the couch, in the same exact spots we
         saw them earlier, bookending the day. John drinks a beer
         as they watch TV. Ted lights up a bong and inhales. The
         TV blares the opening titles of the 1980 film "Flash
         Gordon." As "Flash's Theme" plays:
                        
                         JOHN
          So bad, but so good.
                        
                         TED
          Yes, a study in contrasts.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh, I love this part.
                         (SINGING ALONG)
          HE'S FOR EVERY ONE OF US!
                         TED
                         (SINGING ALONG)
          STAND FOR EVERY ONE OF US!
                        
                         JOHN
                         (SINGING ALONG)
          HE'LL SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HAND/EVERY MAN
          EVERY WOMAN EVERY CHILD WITH A MIGHTY
          FLASH!
                        
                         TED
          Fuck yeah, Flash! (then) Hey, before I
          forget, let's nail down a plan for the
          Bruins game tomorrow night.
                        
                         JOHN
          I can't, I'm taking Lori to dinner.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         24
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          For what?
                        
                         JOHN
          Well, we've been dating four years
          tomorrow.
                        
                         TED
          Oh, fuck me. Nice.
                        
                         JOHN
          Lemme ask you something... you don't
          think she's gonna be expecting
          something... big, do you?
                        
                         TED
                         (BEAT)
          What, like anal?
                        
                         JOHN
          No, like... a circular gold thing on the
          finger.
                        
                         TED
          Oh, fuck that! It's four years! You and
          I have been together 27 years!
                        
         Ted jumps on John, and starts playfully punching him in
         the face.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Where's my ring, Johnny? Where's my
          ring, asshole?
                        
                         JOHN
          Stop it! Jesus Christ, knock it off!
         He throws Ted off of him.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          I mean, do you think she might be
          expecting me to make that kinda move?
                        
                         TED
          No, John. It's a bad idea. And it's the
          wrong time. What with the economy and...
          the credit bubble... the Supreme Court...
          I mean, look at Haiti.
                        
                         JOHN
          I guess I didn't think about that.
                        
         ANGLE ON TV - We see Flash Gordon facing Ming the
         Merciless.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         25
                        CONTINUED:
                        
          KLYTUS (ON TV)
          Who are you?
                        
          FLASH (ON TV)
          Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York
          Jets.
                        
                         JOHN
          This is the American fantasy, right here.
          A professional NFL player is called upon
          to save the world.
                        
                         TED
          Tom Brady could do that.
                        
                         JOHN
          Tom Brady could do that.
         The front door opens and LORI, an attractive girl in her
         mid to late 20's, enters holding several grocery bags.
                        
                         LORI
          Hi guys.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey, sweetie.
                        
                         TED
          Hey, Lori.
                        
         John gets up and gives Lori a kiss.
                        
                         LORI
          Ooh. I think you just got me stoned.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (RE: GROCERIES)
          What do we got there?
                        
                         LORI
          Turkey burgers.
                        
                         TED
          Oh. Okay. Are we having homos over for
          dinner or something?
                        
                         LORI
                         (WISEASS)
          No, just you homos.
                        
                         TED/JOHN
          Whoa!!!
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         26
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          She's funny, John. You got yourself a
          regular Toni Collette.
                        
                         LORI
          Wait, who's that? Is that good?
                        
                         JOHN
          She's a comedienne.
                        
                         LORI
          Oh nice. Is she pretty?
                        
                         JOHN
          She's as pretty as she is funny. How was
          work?
                         LORI
          Good.
                        
                         JOHN
          How's your dickhead boss?
                        
                         LORI
          Rex is fine. He only hit on me once
          today, so that's good.
                        
                         JOHN
          I'm not saying this to be mean, but I
          really hope that fucker gets leukemia.
                        
                         LORI
          He's harmless, I can handle it.
                        
                         TED
          Hey Johnny, while you're up, grab me a
          beer, huh?
                        
                         JOHN
          (crossing to fridge)
          Oh yeah, a coupla' Charles Brew-Kowskis?
                        
                         TED
          Yes, a Brew-stoy-ovski would be nice
          right about now.
                        
         We see Lori roll her eyes. She's heard this before.
                        
                         LORI
          Jesus.
                        
                         JOHN
          Maybe a Mike Brew-ga-slow-ski?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         27
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Perhaps a Ted Kazyn-brewski?
                        
                         LORI
          Y'know, I think I might also have a
          Martina Navra-ti-brewski.
                        
                         JOHN/TED
          Ohhhh, that doesn't work!/Come on, don't
          ruin it, yeah, that doesn't work.
                        
                         LORI
          Bullshit, what do you mean?
                        
                         JOHN
          It doesn't work, the name has to have a
          "ski" at the end of it. You just put
          "brewski" on the end of Martina
          Navratolova.
                        
                         LORI
          I thought we were just doing funny names.
                        
                         TED
          No, it's gotta have a "ski" at the end.
          Otherwise where's the challenge? If
          there's no "ski" at the end of the root
          word, then we would just be idiots saying
          nonsense.
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         It's raining, with an occasional roll of thunder.
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
                        
         Lori lies in bed holding an iPad, reading a gossip news
         site, with the TV on. John comes out of the bathroom,
         and cozies up next to her.
                        
                         LORI
                         (OFF IPAD)
          Oh, look, they found those missing
          hikers.
                        
                         JOHN
          They did? What happened?
                        
                         LORI
          It says they got separated and one of
          them had his foot trapped under a rock
          for five days.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         28
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          You know, if your leg got trapped under a
          rock, I'd chew it off to get you free.
                        
                         LORI
                         (SWEETLY)
          You would?
                        
                         JOHN
          I sure would.
                         (BEAT)
          Is that cannibalism?
                        
                         LORI
          No, I think it's only cannibalism if you
          swallow.
                         JOHN
          Oh yeah, no, I don't swallow.
                        
         She laughs.
                        
                         LORI
          Really? That's not what I heard about
          you.
                        
                         JOHN
          It's not true, I'm a fuckin' classy
          broad.
                        
                         LORI
                         (LAUGHS AGAIN)
          I can see that.
                         (THEN)
          Y'know, speaking of classy, Ciao Bella's
          a really expensive restaurant. If you
          want, we can go somewhere else tomorrow
          night. I don't care, as long as we're
          together.
                        
                         JOHN
          You kiddin' me? Four years we been going
          out, I'm takin' you to the best place in
          town. I been crappin' out room for it
          for two days, I know exactly what I'm
          gonna order.
                        
                         LORI
          (leaning in to kiss him)
          You're disgusting.
                        
                         JOHN
          And you get to pick any bottle of wine.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         29
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          Ooh.
                        
                         JOHN
          Any bottle of 2012 wine.
                        
                         LORI
          Oh, are the new wines in?
                        
                         JOHN
          They are in and they. Are. Fresh.
                        
                        
         She leans over and kisses him again. He kisses her back.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          I love you.
                         LORI
          I love you, too.
                        
         They continue to kiss, becoming more and more intimate.
         She starts to pull his T-shirt off, when there is a
         thunder clap from outside.
                        
                         JOHN
          Ah, come on!
                        
                         LORI
          (shaking her head)
          I don't understand it, 35 years old, and
          you're still scared of a little thunder.
                        
                         JOHN
          I am not.
         We hear another thunderclap. Ted runs into the room with
         no warning and leaps into bed, right between Lori and
         John.
                        
                         TED
          Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?
          C'mon, let's sing the thunder song!
                        
                         JOHN/TED
                         (SINGING)
          WHEN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF THUNDER, DON'T
          YOU GET TOO SCARED / JUST GRAB YOUR
          THUNDER BUDDY AND SAY THESE MAGIC WORDS:
          FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN EAT MY ASS /
          YOU CAN'T GET ME THUNDER, `CAUSE YOU'RE
          JUST GOD'S FARTS.
                        
                         TED
          Boomp.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         30
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Lori rolls over and goes to sleep with a groan.
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. BOSTON HIGH RISE - DAY
                        
         Lori enters the building.
                        
                        
         INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Lori gets off the elevator, where we see several signs
         that read "PLYMOUTH PUBLIC RELATIONS." Lori goes to her
         desk, looking exhausted. Lori's office friends, GINA,
         MICHELLE, and TRACY approach.
                        
                         GINA
          Wow...Baby, I'm not saying this to be
          nasty, but you look really tired.
                        
                         LORI
          Oh, I'm okay... except I didn't have time
          for breakfast, the garage was full, I
          spilled coffee on my leg, and I have a
          boyfriend who can't sleep through a storm
          without his teddy bear.
                        
                         GINA
          I don't understand why you keep putting
          up with him.
                        
                         TRACY
          Yeah, I mean, the guy's thirty-five years
          old and he's working for a rental car
          service.
                        
                         LORI
          No, it's not that, I don't care about
          that. I'd love him even if he was a
          janitor. I mean, he's got a huge heart,
          we laugh together all the time, and it's
          just a bonus that he's like the hottest
          guy in Boston.
                        
                         GINA
          Yeah but the hottest guy in Boston is
          like being the classiest Kardashian.
                        
                         LORI
          I just wish he could get his life
          together, you know? Our life. And he
          can't, and I swear to god, it's all
          because of that bear.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         31
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         MICHELLE
          You should give him an ultimatum: it's
          you or the bear.
                        
                         LORI
          I can't do that, he'd be devastated. And
          I mean... what if he chose Ted?
                        
                         MICHELLE
          Oh come on, you don't really think that.
                        
                         LORI
          Not really, but what if?
                        
                         MICHELLE
          Well then... things happen for a reason.
                         TRACY
          No they don't. That's just something
          girls say when something bad happens to
          them that they don't understand.
                        
                         GINA
          Fuck off, Tracy.
                        
                        
         INT. OFFICE ENTRYWAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Lori's boss REX (asshole handsome, mid-30's, expensive
         suit) walks into the office, and approaches the gathering
         of female employees.
                        
                         REX
          Well hello there. Sorry if I'm
          interrupting any private girl talk about
          Channing Tatum's index finger but Lori I
          need to see you in my office.
                        
                         LORI
          Actually Rex, I have a lot of work I need
          to get to--
                        
                         REX
          Oh, this is work, I swear.
                        
                         LORI
                         (SIGH)
          Okay, fine.
                        
         Lori follows Rex and gives the girls a "help!" look.
                        
                         MICHELLE
          He's such an asshole.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         32
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         GINA
          Out of control. Such a sleaze.
                        
                         TRACY
          You guys are so pathetic. You're
          shitting on Rex, and you both had sex
          with him.
                        
         Short beat.
                        
                         GINA/MICHELLE
          Like once./I was drunk.
                        
                         GINA
          And so did you.
                        
                         TRACY
          Well, I didn't want one of you whores
          getting promoted before me.
                        
                        
         INT. REX'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Lori sits across from Rex, who sits at a large desk.
                        
                         LORI
          So... what do you need to talk to me
          about, Rex?
                        
         Rex takes a framed picture out of a drawer, and shows it
         to her.
                        
                         REX
          See that? That's me on the diving team
          in high school. We dove the shit outta
          that pool that year. If you look close,
          you can see the outline of my root.
                        
                         LORI
                         (ANNOYED)
          You promised this was about work.
                        
                         REX
          Lori, what is wrong with you? Why don't
          you like me? I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
          my dad owns the company--
                        
                         LORI
          I have a boyfriend, Rex. I think you
          know this.
                        
                         REX
          Yeah, the guy with the teddy bear, that's
          a cute relationship, but I'm talking
          about being with a real man, Lori.
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
                         33
                        CONTINUED:
                         REX (CONT'D)
          Someone who wears a blazer on an
          airplane.
                        
                         LORI
                         (STANDING UP)
          I'm very busy.
                        
                         REX
          Well then, how do you have all that time
          to be in my head?
                        
                         LORI
          Goodbye, Rex.
                        
         Lori exits Rex's office. Rex casually gets up, strolls
         over to her chair, nonchalantly brushes his hand on the
         cushion where she was sitting, and nonchalantly smells
         his hand.
                        
                        
         INT./ ESTAB. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT, NEWBURY STREET -
                        NIGHT
                        
                        
         INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John and Lori sit across from each other at a
         romantically set table. They've just finished their
         meal. John has the remains of a lobster shell on his
         plate.
                        
                         LORI
                         (SATISFIED SIGH)
          That was perfect.
                        
         A WAITRESS approaches.
                         WAITRESS
          Would you like me to wrap up your
          leftovers?
                        
                         LORI
          Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.
                        
         John holds up the front portion of the lobster shell,
         which has the face and eyes on it.
                        
                         JOHN
          Actually, could you wrap just this up for
          me? I wanna scare the shit outta
          somebody.
                        
                         WAITRESS
                         (BEAT)
          Sure.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         34
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         The waitress walks away.
                        
                         LORI
                         (MILDLY AMUSED)
          What are you, five years old?
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, but I read at a six year-old level.
                        
         Another WAITER approaches with a bottle of champagne, two
         glasses, and some chocolate-covered strawberries.
                        
                         WAITER
          Senor. Senora, here is your dessert and
          champagne.
                        
                         LORI
          Ooh, Cristal.
                        
                         JOHN
          It's a special night. We've been dating
          for four years.
                         (TAKING BOTTLE)
          And hey, all those rich black people
          can't be wrong, right?
                        
                         LORI
          It doesn't seem like four years, does it?
                        
                         JOHN
          (affectionately taking her
                         HAND)
          No, it doesn't.
                        
                         LORI
          You had no business being out on that
          dance floor, but I'm glad you were.
                        
                        
         INT. CLUB - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
                        
         We see Lori out on the dance floor, amidst a sea of
         dancing clubgoers. Nearby, we see John dancing with a
         girl, and doing it very badly. He's putting too much
         into it, obviously trying to impress her. The girl is
         gamely tolerating it, but is clearly not digging the
         moves. John thrusts his butt back in one move,
         accidentally bumping a girl behind him with enough force
         to send her sprawling on the floor. As the crowd reacts
         to this, we see that it is Lori. She starts to get up,
         when John turns and rushes to help her to her feet.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh my god, are you okay? Oh god, I'm so
          sorry!
                         (CONTINUED)
                         35
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          (a little stunned)
          Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh Jesus, I'm so so sorry! I didn't see
          you! It was an accident!
                        
                         LORI
          Well, yeah, I... I would hope it was an
          accident.
                        
                         JOHN
          Did you hurt your head?
                        
                         LORI
          Um, yes. My head hurts a lot.
                         JOHN
          Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice.
                        
         She sits down. He reaches into a nearby glass, pulls out
         a handful of ice, and wraps it in a napkin. He puts it
         against her head. She inhales sharply for a moment.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Sorry. Does it hurt?
                        
                         LORI
          (beat, noticing him for the
                         FIRST TIME)
          N... No. No it's okay.
                        
                         JOHN
          (beat, noticing too)
          I'm... I'm John.
                         LORI
          I'm Lori.
                        
         They smile at each other...
                        
                        
         INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
                        
                         LORI
          Okay, here's a question that'll show how
          much you actually care about me. You
          remember we stayed and talked until the
          place closed, and then we went for late
          night eggs and waffles, and we stayed
          there til 5 a.m. watching a movie on the
          little TV in the diner. Name the movie.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         36
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Octopussy.
                        
                         LORI
          Gold star.
                        
                         JOHN
          But does that show that I care about you,
          or I care about Roger Moore?
                        
                         LORI
          I'm gonna give you the benefit of the
          doubt.
                        
                         JOHN
          Thank you. And by the way, my dancing
          was not that bad.
                         LORI
                         (LAUGHING)
          Your dancing was bad.
                        
                         JOHN
          I had some cool moves.
                        
                         LORI
          So do people with Parkinson's.
                        
                         JOHN
          That's not how I remember it.
                        
                         LORI
          Yeah, how do you remember it?
                        
                        
         INT. SMOKY TAVERN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
         We see John leaning against the bar, wearing a white Navy
         officer's uniform, a la Ted Stryker in "Airplane!" as
         "Stayin' Alive" blasts from the jukebox. ANGLE ON LORI,
         who is up on the dance floor, done up like Julie Hagerty.
         John takes his hat off, and tosses it O.S. coolly. He
         struts up to the dance floor, locks eyes with Lori. They
         circle one another for a beat. John suavely takes off
         his jacket, twirls it in the air a few times, and tosses
         it O.S. He then strikes a "finger up" disco pose, with a
         bullet SFX. He and Lori begin disco dancing
         simultaneously. He jumps up, locking his legs around
         Lori, who spins him around in circles, as we cut back to:
                        
                        
         INT. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
                        
                         LORI
          Whatever you say, baby.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         37
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey, here's to four more years, huh?
                        
         They clink glasses, and take a sip.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Now I know we said no gifts, but--
                        
                         LORI
          No, we didn't.
                        
                         JOHN
          --But, I got you something anyway, in
          clear violation of the "no gift" rule.
                        
                         LORI
          There was no such rule.
         John reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small
         box. Lori looks excited.
                        
                         JOHN
          Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for
          a long time.
                        
         John slides the box over to Lori. She picks it up.
                        
                         LORI
          Oh, John.
                        
         Lori unwraps the box and opens it. Inside is a pair of
         nice, but not-super-expensive-looking earrings.
                        
                         JOHN
          Those are the ones you liked, right?
          From that kiosk at the mall?
                         LORI
          Oh. Yeah.
                        
                         JOHN
          Check out the card.
                        
         She opens up the card, which we see as John describes it.
         It says, "Happy 4 year anniversary! Love you."
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          See, I even wrote the words with
          different colored markers so you wouldn't
          get bored while you were reading it.
                        
                         LORI
                         (UNENTHUSED)
          Great. Thanks. Well, um, here. This is
          for you.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         38
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Lori hands John a small box. He opens it up, revealing a
         very nice watch.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (OPENS BOX)
          Oh wow, a Hamilton!
                        
         He puts it on his wrist.
                        
                         LORI
          I remember you liked it when you saw Tom
          Brady wearing one in GQ.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, I mean his was analog, but this is
          so awesome, I love it!
         She reacts a bit to this.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Y'know, Lori...
                         (INDICATING BOX)
          Someday, there's gonna be a ring in
          there. But I wanna wait `til I can get
          you something really special, y'know? I
          just don't have the money right now.
                        
                         LORI
          John, I don't need the Hope diamond, all
          I want is--
                        
                         JOHN
          I know, but it's important to me that you
          have the engagement ring you deserve.
          And what with the credit bubble... the
          Supreme Court... I mean, look at Haiti.
                         LORI
          Look, I'm only saying this because I love
          you, but that's not realistic. You're
          never gonna have any kind of a career if
          you're always partying and wasting time
          with Ted.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh, Jesus, here we go--
                        
                         LORI
          John, please get him to find his own
          place, so we can get on with our lives.
                        
                         JOHN
          Look, can we talk about this another
          time, and just enjoy our anniversary
          dinner?
                         (CONTINUED)
                         39
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          Yeah. Fine. Let's talk about it ten
          years from now.
                        
                         JOHN
          (rolling his eyes with a
                         SIGH)
          Lori, we can't talk about this every time
          we go out. Look, he's been my best
          friend since I was eight. And I was not
          a popular child. You have to understand,
          I had no friends before he came along.
          He's the only reason I ever gained any
          fucking confidence. I coulda wound up
          like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but
          I didn't. `Cause of him. So, y'know,
          I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick
          him out.
                        
                         LORI
          Well, it's good to know that a talking
          teddy bear is the only thing that kept
          you from gunning down your classmates,
          but John, you're not eight. You're
          thirty-five. And unless you're too blind
          to notice, he's not your only friend
          anymore. You have me. And I love you.
                        
                         JOHN
          I love you, too. You know that.
                        
                         LORI
          Look, I've put the best physical years of
          my life into this. I mean, I'm cute now,
          but in a few years my body's gonna fall
          off a fucking cliff. Things'll be
          hanging and stretching in ways that might
          scare a man. I need to feel secure in
          the fact that you won't leave me when
          that happens.
                        
                         JOHN
          Not only will I not leave you, it's gonna
          be even better. `Cause I can have sex
          with you, and press your arm fat against
          a comic book so I can see it backwards.
                        
         She laughs. So does he.
                        
                         LORI
          And, my boobs and vagina will all be in
          the same place, so that's a lot less
          movin' around for you.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         40
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          I can do it all with one hand.
                        
                         LORI
          Exactly, and you can do whatever you want
          with the other hand.
                        
                         JOHN
          I can write a novel. Maybe a bestseller.
                        
                         LORI
          We can achieve critical acclaim and
          become rich just by screwing each other.
                        
         They both laugh hard.
                        
                         JOHN
          Well, I hope these jokes have distracted
          you from the actual problems in our
          relationship.
                        
                         LORI
                         (SIGH)
          We can't put the real conversation off
          forever, John.
                        
                         JOHN
          I dunno, I got a lotta fuckin' jokes.
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
                        
         Their car pulls up. They start to get out.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (NOTICING)
          Ah shit, hang on, my phone fell under the
          seat somewhere. Can you call it?
                        
         Lori punches his number on her cellphone. After a beat,
         we hear The Imperial March from "The Empire Strikes
         Back."
                        
                         LORI
          That's my ringtone?
                        
                         JOHN
          (laughs, embarrassed)
          Oh, yeah...
                        
                         LORI
          What is it? It sounds negative.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         41
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          No, it's from The Notebook.
                        
         He reaches under the seat, fishing for the phone, as she
         goes inside.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
                         (STRAINING)
          This is gonna take some doin'.
                        
                         LORI
          All right, well I'll see you upstairs.
                        
         He continues digging for the phone, as she walks inside.
                        
                        
         INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
         Lori walks toward the apartment, but stops as she hears
         loud music coming from inside. She approaches the door
         cautiously and opens it, revealing...
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Lori enters a haze of pot smoke, and a very much trashed
         apartment (empty bottles, wrappers, etc.). Ted sits on
         the sofa with a small group of trashy-looking women.
         They're watching "Romancing the Stone," which plays very
         loudly on the TV.
                        
                         LORI
          What the hell is all this?!
                        
                         TED
          Lori! Hey, you're home early! The
          ladies and I were just watching
          "Romancing the Stone." Got it on Blu-
          Ray. Came in a two-pack with "Jewel of
          the Nile," but I don't know that we'll
          end up watchin' that one.
                        
                         LORI
          This place is a wreck! Who are these
          girls?
                        
                         TED
          Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is
          Angelique, Heavenly, Cherene, and
          Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls.
          Y'know, somewhere out there are four
          terrible fathers I wish I could thank for
          this great night.
                        
         The girls ad-lib "Hello," "Nice to meet you," etc.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         42
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Lori glances around the room, then SCREAMS as she sees
         something in the corner.
                        
                         LORI
          What is that?!!!
                        
                         TED
          What's what?
                        
                         LORI
          There is... a shit in the corner! On the
          floor! There's a shit!
                        
                         TED
                         (LOOKING OVER)
          Oh man, that's what Dierdre was doin'
          over there in the corner for so long.
          Remember, she was crouched over there and
          I thought she was just makin' a call or
                         SOMETHIN'--
                        
                         LORI
          There is a shit!! On my floor!!
                        
                         TED
          Yeah, she's passed out in the bathroom
          now, she seemed like she was hopped up on
          somethin'. I mean, mystery solved, I
                         GUESS--
                        
                         LORI
          What the fuck!!!!
                        
                         TED
          Lori, if I can-- now this is just
          speculation, but... is it possible that
          this is not so much about the stool in
          the corner, and more about maybe
          tonight's dinner not measuring up to your
          expectations?
                        
                         LORI
          What!!! The fuck!!!
                        
         Lori is speechless with rage. At that moment, we see the
         lobster head poke in aggressively from behind the door.
                        
          JOHN (V.O.)
          RAAARRRR!!
                        
                         TED
                         (POINTING)
          Ahaaaaa!
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         43
                        CONTINUED:
                        
          JOHN (V.O., AS LOBSTER)
          Who lives here? I'm comin' to get
          whoever lives here! You owe me lobster
          money!
                        
                         TED
                         (TO GIRL)
          Hahaaa! That's my friend John. Not the
          lobster, the guy runnin' it.
                        
         At that moment, John enters, holding his cell phone.
                        
                         JOHN
          Found my phone.
                        
         He stops, seeing everyone there.
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          What's goin' on?
          (then, noticing)
          Is that a shit?
                        
                        
         INT./ESTAB. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - AFTERNOON
                        
                        
         INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - SAME
                        
         Ted and John walk slowly down the ramp circling the
         massive see-through tank, occasionally stopping to
         observe some of the more bizarre varieties of fish. John
         is oddly restrained. Something is on his mind. As they
         stroll, we see a nearby man keeping an eye on them. He
         seems much more interested in them than in the fish.
         This, we will find out later, is DONNY...
                         TED
          God, there are some fucked up fish out
          there.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah.
                        
                         TED
          Jesus, look at that one. Mister tough
          guy fish.
          (tough guy voice:)
          "Hey! Whatsa big idea? Cold fusion?
          Well that is a big idea, I beg pardon!"
          Look at that guy. WASP-y white guy fish.
          (tight-ass white guy voice:)
          "I don't care for some of Conan O'Brien's
          humor. I don't like Irish humor. And
          this food is too flavorful. I don't care
          for flavor in my food."
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
                         44
                        CONTINUED:
                         TED (CONT'D)
          (switching to goofy voice as
          a bottle-nosed fish swims
                         BY)
          "Oh hey, sorry I'm late, guys. Hey,
          where's everybody goin'? Any of you guys
          got a tissue? I'm allergic to water."
                        
                         JOHN
          Ted... you gotta move out.
                        
         Ted turns and stares at John for a beat.
                        
                         TED
          Wh... what?
                        
                         JOHN
          It's... it's gotta happen.
         Ted sits down on a bench, a little stunned and dazed.
                        
                         TED
          What...what did I do?
                        
         John looks heartbroken at this response.
                        
                        
         INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Ted and John sit side-by-side on a bench next to the
         penguin habitat.
                        
                         JOHN
          Ted, my relationship is at a very
          delicate stage, and, y'know, Lori and I
          may just need a little space right now.
          Plus a hooker took a shit in our
          apartment.
                        
                         TED
          Hey, look, that was a tough night for all
          of us.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
                        
         Lori is staring at the O.S. poop in the corner. She is
         trying to pick it up with a shoebox. In the background,
         we can see an almost panicky, grossed-out John peering
         out from behind the bathroom door.
                        
                         LORI
                         (BEYOND DISGUSTED)
          Oh, god!!
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         45
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Aaaa, what?!
                        
                         LORI
          It's so gross!!
                        
                         JOHN
          Don't tell me, I don't wanna hear about
          it! Did you get it?
                        
                         LORI
          No! Oh my god!
                        
                         JOHN
          Tell me when you get it!
                        
                         LORI
          AAAA, I got some on my thumb!
                        
                         JOHN
          AAAAA! You can never cook with that hand
          again! I'm serious, learn to cook other-
          handed!
                        
                         LORI
          Shit!
                        
                         JOHN
          I'll get the next one, okay?
                        
                        
         INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - DAY
                        
                         TED
          She's makin' you do it, isn't she?
                         JOHN
          (giving up the bullshit)
          Yes. But, that doesn't mean we can't
          hang out. We'll hang out all the time!
                        
                         TED
          What about... thunder buddies for life,
          Johnny?
                        
                         JOHN
          I know. Fuck. I just don't know what to
          do here. I know it sucks, but otherwise
          I'm gonna lose her. And I do love her,
          Ted.
                        
                         TED
                         (SIGH)
          I know you do, Johnny.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         46
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          I'll help you get on your feet out there,
          I promise.
                        
                         TED
          And we'll hang out a lot, right?
                        
                         JOHN
          Fuck, all the time.
                        
                         TED
          (arms wide for a hug)
          Bring it over here.
                        
         John hugs Ted. Ted hugs him back. We hear a squeak, and
         a high-pitched recorded voice saying "I wuv you." John
         and Ted pull away from each other uncomfortably.
          TED (CONT'D) JOHN
         That was the-- the thing-- The old-- Yeah-- no, I know-
         that doesn't mean-- I'm not -
         gay.
                        
                         JOHN
          We've got to get you a job.
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - LATE AFTERNOON
                        
                        
         EXT. GROCERY STORE - SAME
                        
         John and Ted head toward the store. Ted is dressed in a
         coat and tie, and looks very uncomfortable.
                        
                         TED
          I look stupid.
                        
                         JOHN
          No, you don't. You look dapper.
                        
                         TED
          I look like Snuggles' accountant. 
                        
         They pause as John straightens Ted's tie.
                        
                         JOHN
          Look, I know it sucks, but you gotta make
          some money so you can pay for an
          apartment.
                        
                         TED
          I don't wanna work at a grocery store.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         47
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Well, you have no skills.
                        
                         TED
          I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
                        
                         JOHN
          As I said, you would need a law degree
          from a law school.
                        
                         TED
          I'm a special case. I'm a fucking
          talking bear. They might make an
          exception `cause they're all like, "Aaa!
          This bear can talk and do stuff! Let's
          give him a job and maybe he'll give us a
          few laughs," but then they're surprised
          at what a stellar performance I'm turnin'
          in. And then they practically have to
          give me the Anderson case.
                        
                         JOHN
          Look, you get the job, and we'll
          celebrate after.
                        
         John discreetly pulls out a baggie of weed.
                        
                         TED
          And if I don't get the job will we still
          smoke that pot?
                        
                         JOHN
          Probably, yes.
                        
                         TED
          (patting John on the leg)
          Yeah. Okay, good speech, coach.
                        
                        
         INT. GROCERY STORE MANAGER'S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         Ted sits opposite FRANK, the grocery store manager. We
         see his name and title on a desk nameplate. Frank sits at
         the desk, staring at Ted.
                        
                         FRANK
          So. You think you got what it takes?
                        
                         TED
          Nope.
                        
                         FRANK
          (a beat, then)
          No one's ever talked to me like that
          before. You're hired.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         48
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Shit.
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON COMMON - LATE AFTERNOON
                        
         (Over music:) John and Ted walk across the Common,
         passing various park-goers. The occasional person
         notices and points with a "Hey, isn't that..." sort of
         look. They passes three cute girls who flag Ted down.
         Two pose with him as the third takes their picture with
         her cellphone. Ted poses for the photo with one hand on
         the girl's breast. She laughs hard. Ted waves goodbye,
         and he and John make their way over to a park bench.
         They sit. John takes out the weed, looks around for a
         beat, then starts to discreetly roll a joint.
                         TED
          Well, I'm a former celebrity with a
          minimum wage job. This must be what the
          cast of Different Strokes feels like.
                        
          O.S. VOICE
          Excuse me.
                        
         John and Ted react, startled. John stuffs the weed in
         his pocket, accidentally dropping the buds in the rolling
         papers on the ground.
                        
         ANGLE ON a creepy-looking man glancing at them
         repeatedly. This is Donny, the fat kid we saw in the
         prologue. He has grown up into a thinner but no less
         creepy man.
                        
                         DONNY
          I'm sorry to bother you, but my son and I
          couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
                        
         ADJUST TO REVEAL his son, who looks exactly like fat
         young Donny from earlier.
                        
                         JOHN
          (a little uncomfortable)
          Oh. Um, thank you.
                        
                         DONNY
          I'm Donny. And this is my boy, Robert.
          I have to tell you, I've been fascinated
          by your story ever since I was a boy. I
          remember seeing you on the Carson show.
          You were just wonderful.
                        
         BRIEF ANGLE ON the ground, where a pigeon is pecking at
         the dropped weed.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         49
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Yeah, that was ah... that was a good
          time.
                        
                         DONNY
                         (TO JOHN)
          I wonder, is there any chance I could
          purchase the bear from you? For my son?
                        
                         JOHN/TED
          Huh? / Excuse me?
                        
                         ROBERT
                         (CALM)
          I want it.
                        
                         TED
          Hey, I'm not an "it", pal. I'm a "he."
                        
                         JOHN
          (leaning down to his level)
          I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't
          for sale. I've had him since I was about
          your age. He's very special to me.
                        
                         ROBERT
          Sit up straight when you talk to me.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (RECOILING)
          Ew, why the fuck did he say that?
                        
                         DONNY
          Don't swear in front of my child. Now.
          We are very interested in the bear. If
          you'd like to work out some sort of
          arrangement, here's my address and phone
          number.
                        
         He writes on a slip of paper and hands it to John. John
         smiles awkwardly and puts it in his wallet.
                        
                         JOHN
          Okay. Will do. Here it goes, in the
          really important pocket for really
          important stuff.
                        
         Donny and Robert walk off. Donny turns and steals a
         glance back at Ted as they move off.
                        
                         TED
          Wow. Can you imagine what that little
          shit would do to me?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         50
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh man, I can totally see him just taking
          you down to the basement and really
          slowly de-limbing you while singing some
          creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.
                        
         John tugs on one of Ted's arms trying to creep him out.
         He then breaks into a creepy falsetto.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          OH, MY LITTLE SIXPENCE/MY PRETTY LITTLE
          SIXPENCE/I LOVE MY SIXPENCE BETTER THAN
          MY LIFE.
                        
                         TED
          Fuck you. Why do you have to take it so
          far? Now it's real. Fuck you again for
          that. C'mon, let's go find a better
          place to get stoned.
                        
         They exit. After a beat, the pigeon flies into frame,
         slamming right into a fucking tree.
                        
                        
         EXT. ESTAB. A SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
                        
         John and Ted walk into the building. John carries two
         cardboard boxes, and Ted carries one smaller one.
                        
                        
         INT. AN ALMOST EMPTY APARTMENT - SAME
                        
         There's a couch, a coffee table, and a couple of boxes.
         John and Ted put down their boxes, and stand just inside
         the doorway.
                         JOHN
          Well... I guess this is it, huh?
                        
                         TED
          Yeah, sure is.
                        
                         JOHN
          First night on your own.
                        
                         TED
          Yeah. First night in my beautiful new
          apartment. They say they're ain't hardly
          been no murders here.
                        
         They awkwardly nod to each other, both knowing that John
         must leave soon.
                        
                         JOHN
          Okay... so... if you need anything...
                         (CONTINUED)
                         51
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          I know.
                        
                         JOHN
          Seriously, anything...
                        
                         TED
          I know. I'll be fine, Johnny.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (BEAT)
          I know you will, buddy.
                        
         They regard each other for a moment, then John slowly
         turns and walks off down the hall. He turns back to
         smile and wave. From John's POV, we see a diminutive-
         looking Ted give a wan wave back. He looks very alone as
         the camera recedes.
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
                        
         John sits on the couch, putting his tie on as he watches
         TV. Lori comes over and sits down next to him.
                        
                         LORI
          Hey there.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey.
                        
                         LORI
          Listen... I just wanna say thank you.
          What you did with Ted was a big step, and
          I know it wasn't easy, but I just want
          you to know that I love you for it. And,
          I think this a new beginning for our
          relationship.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey, anything for you. This is all part
          of the new grown up, adult John Bennett.
          So, get used to him.
                        
         She gives him a kiss, and starts to undo his tie.
                        
                         LORI
          Y'know, I don't have to be at work for
          another twenty minutes...
                        
                         JOHN
          (guiding her down onto the
                         COUCH)
          Ooh, that's perfect, I'm only gonna need
          one.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         52
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         She laughs, and they kiss.
                        
                         LORI
          You know what my favorite thing about you
          is? After four years, you can still
          surprise me. To step up and change such
          a big part of your life just to make your
          girlfriend happier... I dunno, I bet you
          most guys couldn't do it.
                        
                         JOHN
          Most guys don't have you to motivate `em.
                        
                         LORI
          I'm sorry if I was pushy about it...
                        
                         JOHN
          No, you were right! Look, the reason I
          love you so much is the same reason I
          guess I take you for granted sometimes.
          It's `cause you're... inevitable.
                        
                         LORI
          (huh?)
          Inevitable. Well, that's... romantic? I
          think?
                        
                         JOHN
          No, what I mean is, there's just no
          version of this universe where you and I
          don't end up together. You're
          inevitable.
                        
                         LORI
          That sounds like something Stephen
          Hawking would say to his girlfriend.
                         JOHN
          But do you get what I'm saying?
                        
                         LORI
          Yeah, I do. And I feel exactly the same
          way about you.
                        
         They kiss.
                        
                         LORI (CONT'D)
          (smiling coyly, as she
                         NOTICES)
          Ooh. Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun in
          your pocket or are you glad to see me?
                        
         John pulls the Flash Gordon gun out of his pocket and
         shows it to her. She cracks up.
                         53
                        
                        
         EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY
                        
                        
         INT. GROCERY STORE - SAME
                        
         Ted is at his station, finishing checking out a customer.
                        
                         TED
          Thank you, please come again, we have a
          lot more groceries.
                        
         The customer exits. Ted sighs with boredom. He turns to
         ELLEN, the large African-American woman at the next
         station.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Hey Ellen?
                         ELLEN
          Yeah?
                        
                         TED
          Who's that over there?
                        
         ANGLE ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE blonde girl bagging groceries
         a few aisles away (This is TAMI-LYNN).
                        
                         ELLEN
          That's the new bag girl. I don't know
          her name, but she seems cute.
                        
                         TED
          Yeah. Very cute. You know what I'd like
          to do to her? Somethin' I call a Dirty
          Fozzie.
         Ted waves to the girl. She waves back. He makes a kissy
         face at her. She giggles and blows him a kiss back. He
         pantomimes hard, thrusting, standing-up sex. Her eyes
         widen for a beat, as she stares, then smiles. He grabs
         an Oh Henry bar, and pantomimes fellatio. The girl
         laughs hysterically. CLOSE ANGLE on Ted, as white liquid
         sprays all over his face from one side, then from the
         other. WIDEN to reveal he's squirting two bottles of
         pump hand soap on either side of him. The girl laughs
         and shakes her head "no."
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
                         (TO HIMSELF)
          Okay, so that's where we'll draw the
          line.
                        
                        
         EXT. ESTAB./ LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - DAY
                         54
                        
                        
         INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - SAME
                        
         John sits at his workstation, playing a TBD video game on
         his iPhone. Tanya approaches.
                        
                         TANYA
          Hey. How you holding up?
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh, I'm all right. Just... getting used
          to things, that's all.
                        
                         TANYA
          It's gonna be all right. Y'know, I went
          through something like this with my last
          boyfriend.
                         JOHN
          Really?
                        
                         TANYA
          Yeah, we were dating for eight months,
          and I was really in love with him, and
          then he was deported back to Iran. So, I
          get it.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh... yeah. So... I guess we both lost
          our furry little guy.
                        
                         TANYA
          Yeah.
                        
         John's phone rings the theme from "Knight Rider." He
         sees Ted's name pop up, with a photo of Ted smiling open-
         mouthed at the camera, with his arms outstretched and a
         bra on his head. John picks up.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey, Ted.
                        
          TED (V.O.)
          Johnny. What are you doin'? You wanna
          come over and catch a buzz?
                        
                         JOHN
          I could probably swing by after work.
                        
          TED (V.O.)
          Fuck that, I traded off yesterday, so I
          got the night shift. C'mon, I'm bored as
          crap over here, just swing by for a bit.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         55
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          I can't just ditch work, man. Look, I'm
          trying to get my shit together and be an
          adult here, y'know? For Lori's sake.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S BATHROOM - DAY
                        
         Ted sits in the tub, talking on the phone. He has suds
         in his hair, and there are a couple of little toy boats
         in the water. From here, we intercut back and forth from
         him and John.
                        
                         TED
          John. Five minutes. And then I'll kick
          you out, I promise. C'mon, I picked up
          the "Cheers" DVD box set, and supposedly
          everybody talks shit about each other in
          the interviews.
                        
                         JOHN
          Really?
                        
                         TED
          Yeah, and apparently George Wendt
          confesses to a rape.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (BEAT)
          Sometimes adults get high.
                        
                         TED
          They do, John. Sometimes they do.
                        
                         JOHN
          You'll kick me out in five.
          TED (V.O.)
          John, I have to kick you out. I am
          extraordinarily busy today, I have so
          much teddy bear paperwork to get through,
          it is retarded. Five minutes and you're
          outta here.
                        
         John turns and looks back at Thomas in his office.
                        
                         JOHN
          What do I tell Thomas?
                        
                         TED
          Just tell him you don't feel well.
                         56
                        
                        
         INT. THOMAS' OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         John stands in front of Thomas, who sits at his desk.
                        
                         JOHN
          I gotta duck out for a bit. Lori tried
          to break up a dog fight, and I guess she
          got hurt pretty bad.
                        
                         THOMAS
          Oh my god.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, she's-- that's the way she is, she
          sees trouble, she tries to help out, and
          I guess one of these dogs clamped his
          jaws on her forearm, and he wouldn't let
          go until the fireman showed up and had to
          stick his finger in his ass.
                        
                         THOMAS
          Jesus, John.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, she's pretty shook up.
                        
                         THOMAS
          Oh my god.
                         (BEAT)
          Up the dog's ass, right?
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, that's how they--
                        
                         THOMAS
          That's how they get `em to stop biting,
          sure.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah.
                        
                         THOMAS
          Go go go, take care of it, let me know
          how she is.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh gosh, thank you, sir. I owe you one.
                        
                         THOMAS
          You don't owe me anything, go.
                        
         John smiles wanly, and exits.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         57
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         THOMAS (CONT'D)
          (looking at his own finger)
          Jesus.
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. TED'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S NEW APARTMENT - SAME
                        
         ANGLE ON THE TV - Ted Danson sits in a chair, being
         interviewed.
                        
                         TED DANSON
          Was there cocaine on the set of "Cheers"?
          Hm. Lemme figure out the best way to
          answer that. Um...are there naked dicks
          in gay porn?
                         (LAUGHS WARMLY)
          Yes, there was quite a lot of cocaine. I
          mean, it was the eighties. And I was
          king. I was king of the eighties. I was
          Ted fucking Danson. And not only that, I
          was Sam fucking Mayday Malone. Was I
          popular? Gee, lemme think: are there
          naked dicks in gay porn?
                         (LAUGHS WARMLY)
          Yes, I was quite beloved.
                        
         ANGLE ON Ted and John watching. They have a bong.
                        
                         JOHN
          You know, he's exactly who you want him
          to be.
                        
                         TED
          He is. He is. Someone the likes of
          which we should all aspire to become.
                        
         ANGLE BACK ON TV -
                        
                         TED DANSON
          Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever
          seen on a man.
                        
         ANGLE BACK ON John and Ted -
                        
                         TED
          (passing him bong)
          Here, try this stuff. I told my guy to
          step it up, and he gave me this.
                        
                         JOHN
          What is it?
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         58
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          It's called Kennedy's Head. It's
          actually pretty mellow.
                        
                         JOHN
          That doesn't sound very mellow.
                        
                         TED
          No, it's-- it makes you cerebral. Like
          Kennedy. Kennedy was smart. That's what
          it refers to. Decisions under pressure.
          Cuban missile crisis. Go on, spark it
          up.
                        
         John takes a hit off the bong, then glances around.
                        
                         JOHN
          Y'know, this place looks great.
                        
                         TED
          Yeah, it's all Ikea. Did the whole
          apartment for 47 dollars.
                        
                         JOHN
          How are the neighbors?
                        
                         TED
          There's an Asian family next door, but
          they don't have a gong or nothin', so
          it's fine.
                        
                         JOHN
          That's lucky.
                        
                         TED
          How's work?
                         JOHN
          Sucks.
                        
                         TED
          Ah.
                        
                         JOHN
          You?
                        
                         TED
          It's actualy not bad. Met a girl. She's
          a bagger.
                        
                         JOHN
          No way, that's awesome. We should double
          date, you, me Lori and, what's her name?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         59
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          White trash name. Guess.
                        
                         JOHN
          Uh, Mandy?
                        
                         TED
          Nope.
                        
                         JOHN
          Madison?
                        
                         TED
          Nope.
                        
                         JOHN
          Britney, Tiffany, Candice?
                         TED
          Nope.
                        
                         JOHN
          Don't fuck with me on this. I know this
          shit.
                        
                         TED
          I know you do, and I am not fucking with
          you.
                        
                         JOHN
          Okay, Brandi, Heather, Channing, Breanna,
          Amber, Sabrina, Melody, Dakota, Sierra,
          Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
          Taylor, Tara, Tamra, Tami, Lauren,
          Charlene, Chantel, Courtney, Misty,
          Jenna, Krista, Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
          Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey,
          Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine,
          Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla,
          Chloe, Devon, Emmylou, Becky?
                        
                         TED
          Nope.
                        
                         JOHN
          Okay, was it any one of those names with
          a Lynn after it?
                        
                         TED
          Yep.
                        
                         JOHN
          Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn--
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         60
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Tami-Lynn.
                        
                         JOHN
          Fuck!
                        
                        
         EXT. ESTAB. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                        
                        
         INT. RESTAURANT - SAME
                        
         John, Ted, Lori and Ted's dolled-up and sort of trashy
         date Tami-Lynn (the bag girl from the grocery store) eat
         dinner.
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          See, I was all pissed off `cause me and
          my friend Danielle were supposed to go
          skydiving last year, but then she got
          pregnant from this asshole guy, and so we
          couldn't go and I was all upset, but then
          she had a miscarriage, and so we ended up
          getting to go skydiving, and it was so
          scary but it was so much fun.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey, well... it sounds like everything
          worked out then.
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          I guess god wanted me to go skydiving,
          y'know?
                        
                         LORI
          Jesus.
                         TAMI-LYNN
          Or Jesus, yeah, but whatever.
                        
                         TED
          Hey, isn't this great? The four of us
          here, having dinner together? Lori,
          how've you been? Haven't seen you in
          forever.
                        
                         LORI
          Um, I've been good. Not much going on.
          My company's 20th anniversary is next
          week, that's something.
                        
                         JOHN
          (proud, to Tami-Lynn)
          Lori's a senior VP at a big PR firm.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         61
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          It's not that big a deal.
                        
                         TED
          Company's turnin' 20, eh? So you can
          bang it but you can't get it drunk.
                        
         Tami-Lynn laughs heartily at this, as does John. Lori
         isn't quite as delighted.
                        
                         LORI
                         (VISIBLY ANNOYED)
          I'm surprised John didn't tell you
          already. Seems like you guys have seen
          each other every day since you moved out.
                        
                         TED
          Well, it's funny, usually the first item
          on our agenda is "what's goin' on with
          Lori?" So I'm surprised that one slipped
          through the cracks.
                        
                         JOHN
          We do, we talk about you all the time.
                        
                         TED
          Right?
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh my god, remember, Ted, last week we
          were talking about... how... neat all of
          Lori's shoes are?
                        
                         TED
          That was a lengthy conversation.
                         JOHN
          And we were saying like, a lot of women
          look like unsteady horses when they wear
          high heels, but Lori has a sort of...
          regal... trot.
                        
                         TED
          A canter.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh my god yes. You canter.
                        
         Lori stares at him for a beat, then:
                        
                         LORI
          So, Tami, where are you from? Tell us
          about yourself. I'm always... fascinated
          to meet Ted's girlfriends.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         62
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          What do you mean girlfriends?
                         (TO TED)
          Is there like a lot of `em or somethin'?
                        
                         TED
          No, no, that's not what she's sayin' at
          all, right Lori?
                        
                         LORI
          No, right, I was-- all I was doing was
          asking. Ted's very... attractive, I'm
          just always interested in the... type of
          girl that can snatch him up.
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          Did you just call me a whore?
                         LORI
          What? No, I--
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          You just worry about your own snatch, how
          `bout that, honey?
                        
                         TED/JOHN
          Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! / What the hell
          happened? We're havin' a friendly meal
          here!
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          Don't talk shit to me!
                        
                         LORI
          I was just asking a question.
                         TAMI-LYNN
          You're a friggin' snob! You think you're
          all cool cause you work at some fancy
          shit place!
                        
                         TED
          It's okay, Tami.
                         (TO LORI)
          Nice, Lori. Real nice.
                        
                         LORI
          What?! It's not my fault she can't speak
          English.
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          Fuck you! Just `cause you're all in the
          business world and shit, you think
          everyone's supposed to like, suck your
          asshole!
                         (CONTINUED)
                         63
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Baby! Baby! Baby. Baby. Let's get outta
          here. We'll go back to my place for a
          couple vodka and strawberry Quiks. Okay?
          See ya, John.
                        
         Ted and Tami Lynn exit leaving John and Lori at the
         table.
                        
                         LORI
          What a cunt.
                        
                         JOHN
          (covering ears in pain)
          Ooh! I hate that word.
                        
                         LORI
          Huh?
                        
                         JOHN
          That word is so sharp. It's like an
          electric sword, slashing everything in
          its path.
                        
                         LORI
          Well, you didn't exactly stick up for me.
                        
                         JOHN
          I... I'm trying to walk a line here, I
          want to be fair to you and to him,
          y'know?
                        
                         LORI
          Yeah, well, I think you're being a little
          more fair to him.
                         JOHN
                         (SCOFFING)
          Come on.
                        
                         LORI
          Y'know, your boss called this morning and
          asked me how my arm was.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (CAUGHT)
          Oh?
                        
                         LORI
          Yeah. Because of the dog fight I tried
          to break up.
                        
                         JOHN
          Ohh...
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         64
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that
          was some bullshit lie you made up so you
          could take off work and go to Ted's. Am
          I right?
                        
                         JOHN
                         (BEAT)
          I... I made you out to be a hero.
                        
                         LORI
          John, Ted moved out so we could give
          ourselves a chance without him. You're
          not really giving anything a chance if
          you're blowing off work to get high with
          your teddy bear.
                         JOHN
          It won't happen again, I promise.
                        
                         LORI
          (with a bit of anger)
          Yes. It will.
                        
         A beat. She sighs.
                        
                         LORI (CONT'D)
          I wanna break up.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (THROWN)
          W... What?
                        
                         LORI
          I'm just... I'm done. This isn't gonna
          work. We're in two different places.
                         JOHN
          Lori, look, I know--
                        
                         LORI
          You promised me you were gonna grow up
          and take our life together seriously.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey, Ted moved out, didn't he? I did
          that for you-- for us! And it wasn't
          easy.
                        
                         LORI
          Jesus, he might as well still be living
          with us, John. You spend more time with
          him than you do with me.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         65
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Okay, look. I've been getting stoned too
          much. I know that. I've been bumming
          around with Ted too much, I know that,
          too. Give me one more chance, I promise
          I can fix it. Lori, I love you too much,
          please give me one more chance.
                        
                         LORI
                         (BEAT)
          I need a man, John. Not a boy with a
          teddy bear.
                        
                         JOHN
          I know. Done. Man, right here in front
          of you. Look at these pecs. Man pecs.
          Look at the hair on my upper lip. Man
          hair. I just farted. Man fart.
                        
         Lori can't help but let a small laugh escape. She
         softens a bit...
                        
                         LORI
          John... this really is your last chance.
          I can't do this anymore.
                        
                         JOHN
          You won't have to. Trust me. I love
          you.
                        
         He kisses her.
                        
                         LORI
                         (BEAT)
          Okay.
                         JOHN
          Aw, sweetie, I love you so much! You
          won't be sorry, I swear.
                        
         She smiles at him, then:
                        
                         LORI
          Did you really just fart?
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my
          hand.
                        
                         LORI
          Oh. Wonder where it'll hit first.
                        
         WIDER ANGLE on the restaurant. For a moment, nothing
         happens.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         66
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Then, a guy at a table on the right (sitting with a
         couple other men and women) screams into his napkin,
         followed by his dining companions.
                        
          GUY AT TABLE
                         (FURIOUS)
          Who did this to us?!
                        
          GUY #2 AT TABLE
                         (FURIOUS)
          God dammit! I'm here on business!
                        
                        
         EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY
                        
                        
         INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY
         Ted's boss, Frank, emerges from the back, writing on a
         clipboard. He looks up, and his expression turns to
         confused anger as he sees an unusually long line at
         Ellen's register.
                        
                         FRANK
          What the hell?
                        
         He walks over to the line. A GUY IN LINE turns and
         notices him.
                        
          GUY IN LINE
          Hey, dude, you think you could open more
          than one register? There's like a
          thousand people here!
                        
                         FRANK
          There's supposed to be three registers
          open, for god's sake!
                        
         He looks around, aggravated, for a moment, then storms
         off toward the back. He looks around the butcher's
         counter and produce area, then walk into the back
         storeroom.
                        
                        
         INT. STOREROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Frank opens the door, and reacts with shock. REVERSE
         ANGLE where we see Ted on top of Tami Lynn, who is almost
         naked. He is doing a very close approximation of banging
         her wildly. We see his furry bear butt pumping away,
         with its little tail on the end. Frank screams in shock
         and horror.
                         67
                        
                        
         INT. FRANK'S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         Frank sits at his desk, addressing Ted.
                        
                         FRANK
          You had sexual intercourse with a
          coworker in a storeroom filled with
          produce that we sell to the public.
                        
                         TED
          Yes.
                        
                         FRANK
                         (BEAT)
          That took guts. We need guts. I'm
          promoting you.
                         TED
          Oh.
                        
                        
         EXT. GROCERY STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT
                        
         We see the "CLOSED" sign on the door. Ted exits,
         finishing off a bottle of beer. He walks around to the
         dumpster alley, and lines up for a Kareem-style sky hook
         shot into a trash can. He takes the shot:
                        
                         TED
          Kareem!
                        
         The bottle smashes off the side of the can, and shatters.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          You suck, Kareem.
         We hear a soft footstep somewhere O.S. Ted turns and
         looks around. There appears to be no one in the
         darkness.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Hello?
                        
         No answer. He looks around for a beat, and finds
         nothing. He turns... and finds himself facing Donny, who
         stands eerily lit by a single outdoor wall bulb.
                        
                         DONNY
          Hello, Ted.
                        
                         TED
          Gah! Uh... hi there.
                        
                         DONNY
          Are you all alone out here?
                         (CONTINUED)
                         68
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Uh... no. No I'm not. I'm... you know,
          you're never alone when you're with
          Christ.
                        
                         DONNY
          You know, Robert and I could give you a
          very, very good home.
                        
                         TED
          I'm... I'm pretty happy where I am. I
          just got a shitty new apartment--
                        
                         DONNY
          I can offer you six thousand dollars in
          railroad bonds. They were left to me by
          my father.
                         TED
          Well, gosh, you know, since I just
          returned from active duty in the Civil
          War, that sounds really appealing. Oh
          wait, no, that was a hundred and fifty
          years ago, and I don't give a shit.
                        
         Tami-Lynn approaches.
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          Teddy, come on-- we're gonna have pop
          tarts and cigarettes with my mom before
          she goes to work.
                        
                         TED
          Yeah, I'm comin', sweetheart.
                         (TO DONNY)
          Yeah, my dance card is quite full, so I'm
          gonna have to decline.
                        
                         DONNY
          I really wish you wouldn't...
                        
                         TED
          Yeah, sorry. But, ah... you know, I'd
          like to thank you for creepin' up my
          night, and... Jesus be with you. In
          Christ.
                        
         Ted hurries off. ANGLE ON DONNY, who looks eerily
         determined.
                         69
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. REX'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                        
         John and Lori walk up to the fabulously expansive house
         in Cambridge. It's a very impressive estate with no
         expense spared.
                        
                         LORI
          (smiling at him warmly)
          I'm glad you're here.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, me too. Is it cool if I kick your
          boss' ass? That won't affect your
          workplace chemistry, will it?
                        
                         LORI
          Play nice. Please.
         Rex throws open the door.
                        
                         REX
          There she is! I was worried you weren't
          coming!
                         (TO JOHN)
          Hi kiddo, how ya doin'? Where's your
          bunny rabbit?
                        
                         JOHN
          He's a bear.
                        
                         REX
          (ushering them in)
          Got it. "Hey, this house is fucking
          huge!" I know guys, try not to get lost.
                        
         INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The party is a very costly-looking event: uniformed
         servers walking around with trays of cocktails and hors
         d'ouvres, tables laden with lavish-looking food displays
         and floral arrangements, a 20-piece big band, and
         hundreds of guests. A large banner reads "Happy 20th
         Anniversary, Plymouth Public Relations."
                        
                         REX
          Oh, here come the ladies.
                        
         Gina, Michelle, and Tracy approach. Everyone adlibs
         their hellos to John and Lori. A waiter walks by with a
         tray of champagne. Lori and the girls each take a glass.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         70
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         REX (CONT'D)
          Say listen, why don't John and I give you
          gals a chance to talk tampax while we go
          grab a drink at the bar, huh?
                        
                         LORI
          Sure.
                        
                        
         INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - STAIRS AND UPSTAIRS
                        
         Rex and John are walking up the stairs to the second
         floor of his house. Rex points out various items bought
         at auction. John is visibly unenthused. He does not
         like this guy, and definitely does not trust him.
                        
                         REX
          ...and that's a Wade Boggs autographed
          bat. Just barely outbid Phil Donahue for
          that at auction.
                        
                         JOHN
          Wow, cool.
                        
                         REX
          Yeah, cool. And those boxing gloves were
          worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
          (passing an abstract
                         PAINTING)
          This is art. Do you get it?
          (passing wall mounted pair of
                         GLASSES) )
          These were John Lennon's glasses. Worth
          about two million dollars.
          (passing photo on wall) )
          That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, and
          check this out.
                        
         Rex indicates a small, bronze-colored item on a stand.
                        
                         REX (CONT'D)
          See that? Know what that is?
                        
                         JOHN
                         (TOUCHING IT)
          No.
                        
                         REX
          That's Lance Armstrong's nut.
                        
         John quickly pulls his hand away.
                        
                         REX (CONT'D)
          Something, isn't it? Had it freeze-dried
          and bronzed.
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
                         71
                        CONTINUED:
                         REX (CONT'D)
          Every now and then, when I feel like my
          life's gettin' me down and things are
          tough, I just come in here and look at
          it, and it reminds me that things aren't
          so bad. That some people have it worse
          than me. I mean, he's only got one ball,
          and I have three. One of them, of
          course, being his.
                        
                         JOHN
          That's inspiring. You've led a rich
          life.
                        
                         REX
          I've fucked the shit outta life.
                         (THEN)
          So talk to me, Goose. How are things
          with you and Lori?
                        
                         JOHN
          Things are great, actually.
                        
                         REX
          That's good, that's good.
                        
                         JOHN
          You know... Lori would hate me for saying
          this, but... she's told me how you are at
          the office, and... as one gentleman to
          another, I just wanna say I really hope
          you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
                        
                         REX
          Whoa, whoa, okay, look, I think I oughtta
          just clear the air here a little. I...
          just want you to know that... I mean,
          yeah, I'm kind of a "fun-time boss" and
          whatnot, but... look man, I do that with
          everybody at the office! I'm just a
          kook! I have no designs on your
          girlfriend. We work together, and that's
          it. I think you're a great guy and she's
          very lucky.
                        
         John is a bit surprised, not unpleasantly so, to hear
         this.
                        
                         JOHN
          Well... that's good to hear.
                        
                         REX
          Well, that's how it is, so...there we go.
                        
                         JOHN
          Okay.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         72
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         REX
          Yeah.
                        
         They stand there for a beat, looking at Lance Armstrong's
         nut. John's phone rings the "Knight Rider" theme. John
         answers it.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey, Ted.
                        
         INTERCUT PERIODICALLY BETWEEN JOHN AND TED, who stands in
         the foreground with one finger in his ear. In the
         background, we see a party in full swing.
                        
          TED (V.O.)
          Johnny! You gotta get over here, man!
                         JOHN
          Why? What's going on?
                        
          TED (V.O.)
          I'm havin' a little impromptu thing with
          some people, and John... Sam Jones is
          here.
                        
                         JOHN
          What?!
                        
          TED (V.O.)
          Sam Jones. Flash fucking Gordon. Is
          here.
                        
                         JOHN
          Holy shit! How?
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
                        
                         TED
          Remember I said, my buddy's cousin is
          friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in
          town with his cousin and who's with `em?
          Sam Jones!!
                        
                        
         INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                        
          TED (V.O.)
          Sam Jones is here, and John...
          (softly, into phone)
          ...his hair is parted down the middle.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (EQUALLY SOFTLY)
          Just like in the movie.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         73
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Get over here.
                        
                         JOHN
          Fuck! I can't... I'm with Lori. I'm
          already on probation here.
                        
         John looks down at the main area of the party, and sees
         Lori happily chatting with her co-workers.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
                         (AGONIZED)
          I just... I can't.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
                         TED
          John. There are moments in a man's life:
          Nathan Hale, "I regret that I have but
          one life to give for my country." Alan
          Hale, "Yes, I accept the role of the
          Skipper on `Gilligan's Island.'"
                        
                        
         INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                        
          TED (V.O.)
          John, this is your Alan Hale moment. For
          god's sake, come share this with me.
                        
                         JOHN
          (beat, then:)
          I'm coming.
                        
         John hangs up.
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Rex. I gotta go. I'll be back in thirty
          minutes tops, but Lori cannot find out.
          She absolutely cannot know I was gone.
          If you can cover for me... we're cool on
          all that other stuff.
                        
                         REX
          I got your back, my friend. Been there.
          She'll never know.
                        
                         JOHN
          This is one man to another. I don't
          really know you, but I'm trusting you.
          As a man. This is serious. Can I trust
          you?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         74
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         REX
          Dude. One man to another. I got you on
          this.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (RELAXING SOMEWHAT)
          Okay. Thank you.
                        
         John races O.S.... and Rex raises his scotch glass to his
         mouth.
                        
                         REX
                         (SMILING)
          I'm gonna make traditional to your
          girlfriend. And then fuck her in the
          ass. All right. We have a game plan.
                        
         EXT. REX'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         The "Football Fight" music from "Flash Gordon" starts
         playing, as John bolts O.S.
                        
                        
         EXT. REX'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         John sprints out of the house and runs down the walkway.
         He leaps over a hedge toward the parking area. He slides
         across the hood of Lori's car, gets in, quickly starts
         the car, and backs out.
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON (VARIOUS) - NIGHT
                        
         CUT TO various shots of John racing through the city on
         his way to Ted's. Finally, he pulls up to Ted's
         apartment.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         John throws open the door. The place is as lively as it
         can be. The party is packed with people, including Alix
         and Tanya, John's co-workers from Liberty. There are
         also a large number of booze-swilling guys and hot
         chicks. Ted runs up, wearing a blazer.
                        
                         TED
          Johnny! Thank Christ you made it!
                        
                         JOHN
                         (QUICKLY)
          I got ten minutes, where's Flash Gordon?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         75
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Okay, get ready, man.
          (to someone O.S.)
          Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was tellin'
          you about!
                        
         John turns to look in the direction Ted is indicating.
         The shot slows down into slo-mo as John's eyes widen, and
         he sees...
                        
         OPPOSITE ANGLE - Across the room, SAM J. JONES turns in
         slo-mo to face John. He is inexplicably still sporting
         the same hairstyle he had in the "Flash Gordon" movie.
         We hear the theme from "Flash Gordon." We INTERCUT back
         and forth from him to John:
                        
         ON JOHN - He stands frozen in awe.
         ON SAM - He smiles as he begins to walk toward the
         camera, in John's POV.
                        
         ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.
                        
         ON SAM - Still slowly walking toward camera in John's
         POV, but he is now dressed in the Flash Gordon costume.
                        
         ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.
                        
                        
         EXT. MONGO SKY - DAY - FANTASY
                        
         Sam J. Jones flies on the flying Jetski from the movie.
         John stands behind him on the back, with his arms around
         Sam's chest, as if on the back seat of a motorcycle.
         John has a huge, elated smile on his face.
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - BACK TO SCENE
                        
         ON John - He still stares in awe.
                        
         ON SAM - He smiles and offers an outstretched hand for a
         handshake.
                        
         BACK TO NORMAL SPEED - Sam walks up to John with Ted by
         his side.
                        
                         TED
          John, this is Sam Jones. Sam, this is my
          best friend in the whole world, John.
                        
                         SAM
          Hi there. Good to meet you.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         76
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          (in absolute fucking awe)
          I... thank you for saving every one of
          us.
                        
                         SAM
          You're welcome. Hey, let's do some
          shots, huh?
                        
                         JOHN
          With you? Yes. Oh my god, yes.
                        
         Sam passes out shots of Southern Comfort.
                        
                         SAM
          (raising his glass)
          Death to Ming!
         John and Ted look at each other, squealing with delight.
         Everyone then does their shots.
                        
                         SAM (CONT'D)
          Hey, you guys seem pretty cool.
                         (SIGNIFICANTLY)
          You like to party?
                        
         John and Ted don't answer for a beat. They look at each
         other nervously. It's clear neither one has any
         experience with this sort of thing.
                        
                         SAM (CONT'D)
          Aw, come on dudes. Don't tell me you've
          never done it before.
                        
                         JOHN
          (a little scared)
          Not... recently, no.
                        
                         SAM
          You fellas better come with me.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         John, Ted, and Sam emerge from the bathroom. John's eyes
         are wide and enthusiastic. Ted has a little bit of
         powder on his nose, and his ears are flattened back. And
         Sam is just playing it cool.
                        
                         TED
          Wow.
                        
                         SAM
          Let's party like the `80's huh?
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         77
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
                         (REVERENTIAL)
          Show us how, Flash.
                        
                         SAM
          It's easy. We just gotta bang a lotta
          girls named Stephanie.
                        
                         JOHN
          Holy shit.
          (looking around intensely)
          All these people need to be talked to.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
                        
         John and Ted sit staring at each other intensely across
         the table.
                        
                         TED
          Look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get
          serious about openin' a restaurant we
          gotta start plannin' it now.
                        
                         JOHN
          Italian.
                        
                         TED
          Italian, yes.
                        
                         JOHN
          What's the special on Tuesdays?
                        
                         TED
          Eggplant parm.
                         JOHN
          Chopped salad half price.
                        
                         TED
          And it's a non-restricted place.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah--wait, whaddaya mean?
                        
                         TED
          Anybody can come.
                        
                         JOHN
          Of course.
                        
                         TED
          Mormons are welcome.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         78
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Well yeah--why wouldn't they be?
                        
                         TED
          Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
                        
                         JOHN
          But why even bring that up--
                        
                         TED
          You don't bring it up. You just let `em
          in.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah, but why mention it?
                        
                         TED
          No one will.
                        
                         JOHN
          So why are we talking about it?
                        
                         TED
          You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin'
          let `em in.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yes, let `em in.
                        
                         TED
          Exactly.
                        
                         JOHN
          Right.
                        
                         TED
          Good.
                        
                         JOHN
          Okay.
                        
                         TED
          No Catholics, though.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - SAME
                        
         Ted stands opposite a group of party guests who sit on
         the couch. He holds a knife.
                        
                         TED
          No see, I can do this.
                        
                         GUY #1
          Shut up.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         79
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          My teddy bear biology gives me superhuman
          reflexes.
                        
                         GUY #2
          Let him try it, man.
                        
                         GUY #1
          Fuck it, all right.
                        
         Guy #1 puts his hand down on the coffee table and Ted
         starts doing the knife trick from "Aliens". He gets it
         right for a few seconds, then stabs the guy right through
         the hand. The guy screams in pain.
                        
                         TED
          Well, you never shoulda trusted me, I'm
          on drugs!
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
                        
         John stands with a pair of fake bear ears on his head,
         doing an impression of Ted as a small group of partygoers
         (Ted included) watches, laughing hysterically.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (AS TED)
          Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea--
          let's go get drunk and puke on cars from
          the overpass!
                        
                         TED
          Oh god, that was a fun day.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (AS TED)
          Johnny, you gotta get over here man, I
          just tried this DMT all the kids are
          talkin' about, and I'm in trouble! I
          think I got sucked inside my chair!
                        
                         TED
          I do not sound that much like Peter
          Griffin.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
                        
         Ted sits on the couch drawing a pair of Garfield eyes on
         a topless girl. Below the eyes he has drawn the muzzle
         and the mouth, and above them the ears.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         80
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          See? There. Proof. Garfield's eyes
          look like a pair of tits.
                        
                         TAMI-LYNN
          Okay, you were right.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
                        
         Ted stands by the TV, singing a karaoke version of "I
         Only Want to be with You" by Hootie and the Blowfish.
                        
                         TED
          Okay, Johnny, c'mon up here and do this
          with me!
                         JOHN
          No no.
                        
                         TED
          Come on!
                        
                         JOHN
          No, I don't sing in front of people!
                        
                         TED
          YOU AND ME, WE COME FROM DIFFERENT
          WORLDS. YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AT ME WHEN I
          LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS. SOMETIMES YOU'RE
          CRAZY AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M SUCH A BABY
          `CAUSE DOLPHINS MAKE CRY. WELL THERE'S
          NOTHING I CAN DO I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A
          GIRL LIKE YOU. YOU LOOK AT ME YOU'VE GOT
          NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. I'LL ONLY POUT AT
          YOU UNTIL I GET MY WAY. I WON'T DANCE.
          YOU WON'T SING. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU
          BUT YOU WANT TO WEAR MY RING. WELL
          THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. I ONLY WANNA BE
          WITH YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR FOOL, I
          ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S BEDROOM - LATER
                        
         Sam, John and Ted stand by the wall.
                        
                         TED
          See there's this one part of the wall
          that's really soft, you could punch
          through it wicked easy.
                        
         Sam punches the wall a couple times, and his fist goes
         right through.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         81
                        CONTINUED:
                        
          SAM/TED/JOHN
          Holy shit! / Ha! / Wow! / Etc.
                        
         Immediately we see half an Asian face dart into frame
         through the hole. He screams in Cantonese, then,
                        
                         ASIAN MAN
          What the hell you problem!! You break my
          wall! You break my wall I break you
          wall!
                        
         The neighbor sticks a knife through the hole. John, Ted,
         and Sam scream. Sam and John jump around and scream as
         they frantically try to get the knife.
                        
                         JOHN
          AAA! AAA!! Break his arm, Flash! Cut
          his arm off!!
                        
         Sam grabs the arm, and it darts back inside.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         There's an angry pounding on the door. One of the party
         guests opens it, and the Asian guy runs in, screaming in
         Cantonese. He holds a wooden spoon in one hand, and a
         live duck in the other. John, Sam, and Ted run back out
         into the living room. The Asian guy runs toward them,
         screaming first in Cantonese, then:
                        
                         ASIAN MAN
          You break my wall! This my home long
          time! You break my wall! You bastard
          men!
                         JOHN/TED
          Dude, we're sorry! We're sorry!
                        
                         ASIAN MAN
          You bastard men! I try to make duck
          dinner, now plaster everywhere!
                        
                         TED
          Chill out okay? We'll pay for it! Let's
          talk this out okay? What's your name?
          I'm John!
                        
                         ASIAN MAN
                         (CAUTIOUSLY)
          My name Wan Ming.
                        
                         FLASH
                         (NARROWING EYES)
          Ming!
                         (CONTINUED)
                         82
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         SAM'S POV - We see the Asian man dressed as Ming the
         Merciless.
                        
                         ASIAN MAN
          You pay many dollar for wall! This
          bullshit! This all bullshit!
                        
                         SAM
          DEATH TO MING!!!
                        
         Sam charges the Asian man, tackling him. They both
         tumble over the back of the couch, nearly knocking it
         over. The duck flies out of his arms, landing on the
         floor. It immediately goes after Ted, who screams.
         ANGLE ON SAM, who chokes the Asian man on the floor.
         John struggles to pull him off.
                         JOHN
          Sam, no! Get off him!
                        
         ANGLE ON TED - who circles confrontationally with the
         duck, as in an Irish bar fight. ANGLE BACK ON THE GUYS
         FIGHTING - The Asian man jabs Sam in the eye with the
         other end of the spoon, and Sam goes staggering backward,
         falling into John. They land on the table, smashing it
         in half. They fall to the floor on top of each other.
                        
                         ASIAN MAN
          You crazy! You crazy man!
                        
         The duck charges at Ted and slaps him across the face a
         few times with its wings.
                        
                         TED
          AAA! AAAA! OW!!
         The Asian man calls to the duck from the door.
                        
                         ASIAN MAN
          Come on, James Franco!
                        
         The duck takes one last whack at Ted and waddles over to
         the Asian man, fluttering up into his arms.
                        
          ASIAN MAN (CONT'D)
          (to John and Sam)
          You pay for wall!
                        
         He exits, slamming the door.
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
                        
         John sits on the couch as Guy enters, holding hands with
         another man.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         83
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Guy?
                        
                         GUY
          Hey. What's goin' on. This is Jared.
          He's the guy who beat me up. We're in
          love.
                        
                         JOHN
          What??
                        
                         GUY
          Yeah. Turns out I'm gay or whatever.
          Had no idea. C'mon Jared, let's get a
          drink.
                        
         He and Jared walk off.
         ANGLE ON JOHN, who sits on the couch, looking zoned out
         and drained. Sam Jones approaches.
                        
                         SAM
          How you doin' there, ace? You comin'
          down?
                        
                         JOHN
          Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel good.
                        
                         SAM
          Give it a couple hours, you'll be golden,
          Pony Boy. Want a Xanax?
                        
         John looks at the clock. His eyes widen in panicked
         realization.
                        
                         JOHN
          Holy shit. Holy shit, oh my god!
                        
                         SAM
          What?
                        
                         JOHN
          I gotta-- I gotta go! Shit!
                        
         John scrambles to his feet, and runs for the front door.
                        
                        
         INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John opens the door and runs down the hall. He runs
         partway down the stairwell, and stops short as he sees
         Lori at the bottom, coming partway up the stairs. They
         stare at each other for a beat. She looks as hurt,
         angry, and betrayed as a woman can be.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         84
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Lori... I...
                        
         He throws up all over the floor.
                        
                        
         EXT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Lori storms out into the street. After a beat, John runs
         out after her.
                        
                         JOHN
          Lori! Lori wait!
                        
         She hastily pays the cabbie who waits outside. John
         catches up to her and grabs her arm, but she shakes him
         off. She is clearly hurt, and on the verge of tears.
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          I'm sorry! I messed up! I--
                        
                         LORI
          I want you out of the apartment...
          tonight. Gimme my car keys.
                        
                         JOHN
          Can I please just explain--
                        
                         LORI
          No.
                        
                         JOHN
          I was gonna--
                        
                         LORI
          I have given up a big chunk of my life
          for you.
                        
                         JOHN
          I was gonna stop in for like five
          minutes, and then Flash Gordon--
                        
                         LORI
          Just give me my keys, John!
                        
         He reluctantly hands her her keys. She turns and walks
         toward her car.
                        
                         JOHN
          Lori... please. I love you.
                        
         She gets in the car and drives away with a screech.
         Angle on Ted, who is walking out the door.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         85
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Johnny, come on upstairs. Tami-Lynn's
          gonna make some RC Cola from scratch.
                        
                         JOHN
          Fuck you! I don't want to talk to you!
                        
                         TED
          What?
                        
                         JOHN
          Do you know what just happened? Do you
          have any clue? My life just ended.
                        
                         TED
          Oh come on, she'll go home, watch Bridget
          Jones' Somethin' Asshole, cry a little
          bit, she'll be fine, you'll talk to her
          tomorrow.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (EXPLODING)
          Are you even listening to me?! Do you
          give any shred of a shit?!
                        
         Ted pauses, realizing John is serious.
                        
                         TED
          Well... `course I do, Johnny. Thunder
          buddies for life.
                        
                         JOHN
          Jesus, Lori was right. I should have
          stopped hanging out with you a long time
          ago. I'm never gonna have a life with you
          around. I'm 35 years old and I'm going
          nowhere. All I do is smoke pot and watch
          movies with a teddy fucking bear. And
          because of that, I just lost the love of
          my life.
                        
                         TED
          Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.
                        
                         JOHN
          I just... I gotta be on my own, Ted. I
          can't see you anymore.
                        
         John turns and walks away.
                        
                         TED
          Johnny, wait! Hey, listen!
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         86
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Ted pushes his own stomach in. We hear his soundbox
         squeak out the words "I wuv you." John does not turn
         around. Ted looks after him, then slowly lowers his head
         sadly. He sits down on the sidewalk, dazed and defeated.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         MONTAGE: SET TO MUSIC - SONG TBD
                        
                        
         EXT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
                        
         John pulls up in his car, and sadly goes inside.
                        
                        
         INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
         John sits on the bed and turns on the TV. He flips
         through the channels, seeing various clips of shows.
         Eventually, he shuts off the TV. He opens his wallet,
         and takes out a picture of Lori. He looks at it sadly.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. MINI GOLF COURSE - NIGHT
                        
         John and Lori play mini-golf. She putts, and the ball
         stops just short of the hole. John walks up to it, and
         "looks the other way" as he taps it in with his foot.
         She smiles warmly at him.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
         EXT. BOSTON COMMON - SUNSET
                        
         John and Lori are on a swan boat ride, throwing bread to
         the ducks. They're both leaning over the side with their
         hands on the rail. His hand moves partway on top of
         hers. They look at each other, and share a slow,
         romantic kiss.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         Lori sits on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, her face
         wet with tears. ANGLE ON the TV screen, where a Bridget
         Jones film is playing. ANGLE BACK ON Lori, who is
         looking at the screen, but is really looking inward...
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                         87
                        
                        
         EXT. BEACH - DUSK
                        
         ANGLE ON a partially full moon. PAN DOWN to John and
         Lori, walking along the beach, holding hands. He kisses
         her on the cheek, then looks down, noticing something
         O.S. He leans down and picks up a dead horseshoe crab.
         He dangles it in Lori's face. She freaks out, and runs
         into the water. They both laugh.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         ANGLE ON A BIRTHDAY CARD ON THE TABLE - We pull out to
         reveal Lori sitting at the table, with a couple of
         candles in front of her. John comes out of the kitchen
         wearing an apron, and holding an entire turkey with a
         candle in it. She smiles and puts her hands over her
         mouth with delighted hilarity. He sets the turkey down,
         and she gives him a big, laughing smile as she shakes her
         head.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         SLOW PAN ACROSS TED'S APARTMENT - The party is now over.
         Everyone has gone, and the place is a mess. ANGLE INTO
         TED'S BEDROOM - He lies alone in his bed, flipping
         through channels with his remote. He turns and stares at
         a picture in a frame next to his bed. ANGLE ON THE
         PICTURE It shows John and Ted as kids, standing in the
         snow, smiling at the camera. They stand next to a
         soapbox car that they have built and painted.
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY
                        
         8-year-old John and Ted are at the top of a hill with the
         soapbox racer. Ted is in the racer, wearing a helmet.
         John gives the racer a push, and Ted speeds off down the
         hill. At the bottom, he smashes into a tree, shattering
         the racer, and sending him flying out of it onto the
         ground. A dog runs into frame, snatches Ted up, and runs
         off with him. John sprints after the dog.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                         88
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN'S HIGH-SCHOOL ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, "Simpsons Reaches
         5th season!" ANGLE ON 17 year-old John and Ted watching
         TV, laughing hysterically.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
                        
         The marquee out front reads "Star Wars: The Phantom
         Menace." We pan down a line of moviegoers, eventually
         getting to 22 year-old John and Ted. John is dressed as
         Darth Maul, and Ted is dressed as Yoda. They excitedly
         wait in line.
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY
                        
                        
         INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - SAME
                        
         John and Ted share a pizza. Ted has sauce all over his
         mouth and fur. John hands him a napkin and he wipes it
         off. Ted looks O.S., then excitedly gives John a "hang
         on, check this out" gesture. He runs O.S. ANGLE ON the
         stage, where the animal band play their instruments. Ted
         is there among them, stiffly playing the banjo and
         looking very animatronic. A couple little kids walk up
         to watch. After a beat, Ted gets in their faces, scaring
         the shit out of them. They run away, crying and
         traumatized. ANGLE ON John, who laughs hysterically.
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
                        
         John and Lori paint the walls of their then new
         apartment. They start to playfully splatter paint on
         each other. ANGLE ON Ted, who watches from the other
         side of the room, where he leans against the wall. He
         shakes his head in a "whatever" fashion, and walks toward
         the door. When he turns, we see there is a white stripe
         of paint going down his back.
                        
                        
         EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - LATER
                        
         Ted exits the apartment, holding a pack of cigarettes and
         a lighter. He pulls one cigarette out with his mouth and
         goes to light it.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         89
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         He then notices something out of the corner of his eye.
          He reacts with a take, and sprints O.S., dropping the
         cigarette and the lighter. After a beat, a skunk
         shuffles through frame after him.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, "Simpsons Reaches
         20th season!" ANGLE ON present-day John and Ted watching
         TV, expressionless and bored-looking.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
         INT./ ESTAB. LORI'S OFFICE - DAY
                        
                        
         INT. REX'S OFFICE - SAME
                        
         Rex sits at his desk and stares out the window.
                        
                         REX
          So, word through the grapevine is you are
          newly solo. I have tickets to see Norah
          Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight, and I
          would love it if you'd go with me.
                        
                         LORI
          You're asking me out the day after I
          broke up with someone.
                        
                         REX
          Look, I'm gonna cut the shit here.
                         LORI
          Okay.
                        
                         REX
          This is the first time you've been single
          in all the years you've worked here.
          Just go out with me one time. And if
          you're miserable and you hate it, I
          promise I will never even hint at the
          subject again. Please.
                        
                         LORI
          Rex, I don't think it's smart.
                        
                         REX
          Look, I'm an asshole. I know that. It
          worked for me in high school, and it's
          been like a reflex ever since.
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
                         90
                        CONTINUED:
                         REX (CONT'D)
          (sigh) Lori, the worst that can happen is
          you have a fun, casual date with a guy
          who only wants a chance to prove to you
          that he can be something more than a
          jerk. Besides, you're a huge catch and
          it's about time somebody treated you that
          way.
                        
                         LORI
          Fine... I guess it beats crying myself to
          sleep every night.
                        
                         REX
          Great. Pick you up at seven?
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
         It's raining outside.
                        
                        
         INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - SAME
                        
         John sulks on the bed, leafing through a Tintin comic
         book. There's a knock at the door.
                        
                         JOHN
          Who is it?
                        
                         TED
          Johnny, it's me.
                        
                         JOHN
          Go away.
                        
                         TED
          Johnny, open the door, please. I wanna
          talk.
                        
         John ignores him. A few beats go by, then the window
         slides open from the outside, and Ted tumbles in, landing
         on the floor, soaked.
                        
                         JOHN
                         JESUS--
                        
         Ted shakes the water off himself like a dog. John
         flinches back, trying not to get wet.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Jesus Christ!
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         91
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're
          pissed, but just listen to me for five
          seconds. I saw Lori out on a date with
          Rex.
                        
                         JOHN
          What?
                        
                         TED
          I'm serious, John, I went over to your
          house to talk to Lori to try and take
          some of the heat off you, and I saw Rex
          picking her up. They were going to the
          Hatch Shell.
                        
                         JOHN
          You're un-fucking-believable, you know
          that? How stupid do you think I am?
          First of all, Lori would never go out
          with Rex, and second of all, if you think
          that by making shit like that up you're
          gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty
          to you over her--
                        
                         TED
          Johnny, it's the truth. I'm tellin' ya--
                        
                         JOHN
          Get outta here.
                        
                         TED
                         (BEAT)
          You know, you're actin' like a cock, you
          know that?
                         JOHN
          What? I'm acting like a cock?
                        
                         TED
          Yes. You are actin' like a giant, V-
          shaped-funny-lookin'-guy-in-a-porno cock.
                        
                         JOHN
          Huh?
                        
                         TED
          `Member that porno we saw with the guy
          with the V-shaped cock--forget it. What
          I'm sayin' is that you're blamin' me for
          somethin' you did to yourself.
                        
         John glares at him.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         92
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Lori was right about you. You can't take
          responsibility for anything that goes on
          in your life.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh, and you can?
                        
                         TED
          I don't have to, I'm a fuckin' teddy
          bear! Y'know somethin', I didn't tie you
          up and drag you to that party. I wanted
          you to come because you're supposedly my
          best friend.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh, yeah? Is that why you've manipulated
          me for years to stay eternally eight
          years old at the expense of the rest of
          my life?
                        
                         TED
          Whoa whoa, it's not my fault you didn't
          care enough about your relationship.
                        
                         JOHN
          You can't stand there and tell me you
          haven't always seen Lori as a threat to
          our friendship! It works out so much
          better for you when you and I are getting
          fucked up on the couch at 9 am, doesn't
          it?
                        
                         TED
          Wow. Listen to yourself. What am I,
          Emperor Ming here, controllin' your mind?
          That's your choice, John! And you know,
          by blamin' me, you just make yourself
          look like a pussy.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (BEAT)
          You know... sometimes I think back to
          that Christmas morning when I was eight
          years old... and I wish I'd just gotten a
          Teddy Ruxpin.
                        
                         TED
                         (BEAT)
          Say that one more time.
                        
                         JOHN
          Teddy... Rux-fucking-pin.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         93
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Ted stares at him for a beat, then lunges at him,
         wrapping his whole body around John's face and head, like
         the facehuggers from "Aliens." John stumbles around the
         room, trying to pry Ted off. Eventually, he stumbles
         into the bathroom, and crashes through the shower door,
         shattering it. He and Ted exchange punches to the face.
         John lands a particularly hard one, which sends Ted
         flying across the room, and slamming into the wall. Ted
         hits the floor, and runs out of the bathroom. John
         stumbles to his feet. Ted scrambles across the bed,
         reaches into the bedside drawer, and pulls out a Bible.
         John staggers out of the bathroom, just in time to be
         pelted in the head as Ted throws the Bible at him.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          AAAAAA!!! Fucking Jesus fucking Christ!
          god fucking dammit!!!
         Ted throws other objects at him, including beer cans and
         the phone. John and Ted stare at each other for a beat,
         each one breathing heavily (Ted is now on the floor).
         John charges at Ted, sailing across the bed, and tackling
         him, knocking over the side table and lamp in the
         process. John and Ted scuffle on the floor, engaging in
         a realistic-as-possible fistfight. Each one gets a
         number of blows in. John throws Ted off him, and back
         onto the bed. Ted taunts him.
                        
                         TED
          C'mon, motherfucker!
                        
         John jumps at Ted, throwing a jab at him. But Ted
         dodges, and John's fist goes into the wall above the
         headboard. He struggles to pull free as he flails about
         with his other hand, grabbing at Ted. Ted dodges again,
         and scrambles up John's head, jumping up and grabbing the
         chain on the ceiling fan, turning it on, and causing Ted
         to swing back and forth. John pulls free, and stumbles
         backward off the bed. He notices a tall, free-standing
         lamp in the corner. He pulls the plug out of the wall,
         and uses the lamp to take a swing at Ted. Ted swings out
         of the way. John takes a second swing, but the lamp cord
         catches on the fan's motor. The lamp is ripped from
         John's grasp, it swings around through the air, and
         cracks him in the side of the head. John goes down,
         whacking his head a second time on the baseboard of the
         bed. He howls in pain as he lies on his stomach,
         clutching his head. Ted takes advantage of this. He
         jumps down from the cord, and pulls the antenna off the
         clock radio next to the bed. He jumps down to the floor,
         yanks John's pants partway down, and starts whipping his
         bare ass with the antenna. John yells in fury, and kicks
         blindly at Ted. He turns over, kicking ted in the face,
         and kicking the cabinet that the TV is on.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         94
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         The TV wobbles, and falls off the cabinet, landing with a
         crash, right on his groin. John lies there, with the TV
         on his crotch and his pants down, and breathes heavily.
         Ted, still dazed from the kick to the face, crawls over
         to him. Both breathe heavily. John's breathing
         deteriorates into sobs.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
                         (BREATHING HEAVILY)
          Why...why are you crying?
                        
                         JOHN
          My dick is in the TV.
                        
         John continues to sob. Ted climbs down off the table and
         up onto the bed. He pushes the TV off John, then lies
         down next to him. Ted starts to sob himself.
                         TED
          I'm so sorry, Johnny. I'm so sorry.
                        
                         JOHN
          So am I, man.
                        
                         TED
          I love you.
                        
                         JOHN
          I love you, too.
                        
         John hugs Ted, who hugs him back.
                        
                         TED
          Listen... you gotta let me help you make
          things right with you and Lori.
                         JOHN
          There is no putting things right. She
          hates me.
                        
                         TED
          No, John, we can get her back. Look,
          remember when you were ten, and you hit
          that squirrel with your BB gun, and then
          when we saw it fall from the tree we both
          starting crying? Remember? And then we
          ran up to it and tried to give it CPR?
          And it came back to life? John, we could
          do that again.
                        
                         JOHN
          Ted, we crushed its rib cage and blew out
          its lungs trying to give it CPR. It
          died.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         95
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
                         (LONG BEAT)
          We can get Lori back.
                        
                        
         EXT. HATCH SHELL - NIGHT
                        
         A huge crowd has gathered for the Norah Jones concert.
         They cheer as she sings "Come Away With Me," backed by a
         large string section. ANGLE ON Rex and Lori, who cheer
         in the audience along with everyone else. They seem to
         be having a fantastic time.
                        
                         REX
          God, she's so brave. YOUR MUSIC IS SO
          FUCKING BRAVE!!
         Norah finishes the song.
                        
                         NORAH
          Thanks so much! We're gonna take a short
          break, but we'll be back in a few!
                        
         The crowd cheers.
                        
                        
         INT. BACKSTAGE - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         ANGLE ON a dressing room sign which reads NORAH JONES.
         We move inside the dressing room as Norah enters and
         pours a drink.
                        
          TED (O.S.)
          Hey, play chopsticks, you jazzy slut!
                        
                         NORAH
          (turning, recognizing)
          Teddy!! How you doin', you fuzzy little
          asshole?
                        
         She hugs him.
                        
                         TED
          Well, I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who
          sold 37 million records, but I'm hangin'
          in there.
                        
                         NORAH
          Well, half-Indian, but thanks.
                        
                         TED
          Eh, ooga booga, whatever. Hey, I want
          you to meet a good pal of mine. Hey
          Johnny, come on in!
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         96
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         ANGLE ON the doorway, where John enters, a little
         nervous.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Norah, this is my friend John.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (SELF-CONSCIOUSLY EXTENDS
                         HAND)
          Hi. Hi, Norah Jones.
                        
                         NORAH
          (shaking his hand)
          Ha. Whoa, relax there, sweaty. You
          ready to bring down the house?
                        
                         JOHN
          Yes ma'am. Thank you for the
          opportunity, Ms.-- Ma'am Jones.
                        
                         TED
          Jesus, you look fantastic.
                        
                         NORAH
          Well, you're probably not used to seeing
          me fully clothed.
                        
                         TED
          Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at
          Belinda Carlisle's house and we had
          awkward, fuzzy sex in the coatroom.
                        
                         NORAH
          Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy
          with no penis.
                         TED
          I have written so many letters to Hasbro
          about that.
                        
                        
         EXT. HATCH SHELL - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         The crowd is cheering. Norah is back out on stage at the
         piano.
                        
                         NORAH
          Okay, I'm gonna give my chops a rest here
          and invite a friend of mine up to the
          stage. He's gonna sing a song to a very
          special lady in the audience who he loves
          very much. Let's give a big hand to John
          Bennett!
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         97
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         The crowd applauds dutifully as John walks out onstage.
         ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Lori reacts, shocked.
                        
                         LORI
          Oh my god.
                        
         John takes center stage, and looks down at Lori.
                        
                         JOHN
          Uh, hi. Um... This is for Lori Collins.
          Because I love her. This song always
          reminds me of the most important night of
          my life. The night we met. It's the
          theme song from the movie "Octopussy."
                        
         The band begins playing. "All Time High". Inexplicably,
         Norah is playing the saxophone with a pair of shades on.
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          ALL I WANTED WAS A SWEET DISTRACTION FOR
          AN HOUR OR TWO / HAD NO INTENTION TO DO
          THE THINGS WE'VE DONE / FUNNY HOW IT
          ALWAYS GOES WITH LOVE, WHEN YOU DON'T
          LOOK, YOU FIND / BUT THEN WE'RE TWO OF A
          KIND / WE MOVE AS ONE
                        
         ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Rex is visibly derisive, but we
         see that Lori is softening. It's working...
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          WE'RE AN ALL-TIME HIGH / WE'LL CHANGE ALL
          THAT'S GONE BEFORE / DOING SO MUCH MORE /
          THAN FALLING IN LOVE
                        
                         REX
          (fake voice, covering his
          mouth and looking away)
          You suck, get off the stage!
          (then, for Lori's benefit)
          Hey, come on guys!
                        
         The crowd starts to take the cue.
                        
                         CROWD
          Get off the stage! / Boooo! / You suck! /
          We wanna hear Norah! / Come on!
                        
         ANGLE ON Ted in the wings.
                        
                         TED
          Ah, god.
                        
                         JOHN
          SO HOLD ON TIGHT / LET THE FLIGHT
          BEGIN...
                         (CONTINUED)
                         98
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         ANGLE ON a crazed audience member, who rushes the stage,
         racing toward John.
                        
                         CRAZY GUY
          You're an asshole!
                        
         John flinches as he raises the mic stand off the floor at
         the last second, so the base is sticking out
         horizontally. The crazy guy runs right into it, bashing
         himself in the face. He goes down, unconscious and
         bleeding. Everyone gasps as the music stops.
                        
                         NORAH
          Jesus.
                        
         A few concert personnel rush out to check the guy.
                         STAGEHAND
          Someone call an ambulance!
                        
         The crowd is now shouting angrily at John. But he is
         only focused n one spot in the crowd. He sees that Lori
         and Rex are gone. Almost oblivious to the rest of the
         frenzy, he sighs, heartbroken. A couple of concert
         security personnel haul him offstage.
                        
                        
         EXT. HATCH SHELL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                        
         Rex escorts Lori to his car.
                        
                         REX
          That was insane. Did you see the way
          that guy's body hit the ground? It was
          like a rag doll!
                         LORI
          Yeah, I'd rather just not talk about it.
                        
                         REX
          You want to go get a drink after this? I
          feel like I could use one after seeing a
          guy almost die.
                        
                         LORI
          Nope, I think I'd rather you just take me
          home.
                        
                         REX
          One drink, come on.
                        
                         LORI
          Nope, not really feeling up to it.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         99
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         REX
          Alright, alright, I get it. I don't
          blame you. When you think about it, it
          was actually really unfair of him to
          embarrass you like that.
                        
                         LORI
          Just to be clear, I am not embarrassed.
          Listen, John and I may have our problems
          but at least he tried. You know what? I
          don't feel like talking to you about
          this.
                        
         She walks away.
                        
                         REX
          Where you going?
                         LORI
          Taking a cab. I'm going home.
                        
         As she disappears out of earshot, Rex closes his eyes and
         releases a fart.
                        
                         REX
          Finally.
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN & LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME
                        
         Lori gets out of the shower, and begins towelling off,
         still reeling with disgust from her encounter with Rex.
         After a few moments, there's a knock at the door. Lori
         sighs with annoyance, and walks to the door, still in her
         towel. She looks through the peephole, but there's no
         one there. She opens the door cautiously, and looks out
         into the hall. There's no one there.
                        
          TED (O.S.)
          Down here, I swear to god I'm not lookin'
          up your towel.
                        
         She looks down with a start, and sees Ted standing there.
         He's blocking his view with one hand.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Not lookin' up your towel. Not lookin'
          at your funny business.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         100
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          (pulling towel closer to her)
          Ted? What're you doing here? What do
          you want?
                        
                         TED
          I need to talk to you.
                        
                         LORI
          Look, if you're here to fight John's
          battle for hi--
                        
                         TED
          Lori, do me a favor and let me talk
          first, and then you can say whatever you
          want.
         There's a beat. She reluctantly considers.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER - DAY
                        
         Lori, now in a robe, sits down on the couch, facing Ted.
                        
                         TED
          Look, John loves you very much. More
          than anything in the world. And he's
          fallin' to fuckin' pieces without you.
          He knows he screwed up big time, but you
          gotta believe me that is wasn't all his
          fault. If you'll just give him one more
          chance to be with you--
                        
         She rolls her eyes.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Listen to me! If you'll just give him
          one more chance... I promise I will leave
          and never come back. He'll be all yours.
          Just give him one more chance.
                        
                         LORI
          Ted... that's a very nice offer, but I
          don't want you to do that. This is about
          John and me and our problems. And I
          don't think it can be fixed.
                        
                         TED
          Because of me! Look, you want him to be
          a man. And I'm the one who's keepin'
          that from happening. As long as he's got
          his teddy bear, he's still a boy. And I
          care about him as much as you do. But
          I'm willing to give up the boy so you can
          have the man.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         101
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         We can see Lori starting to soften a bit.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Look, I'm givin' this the best shot I got
          here, Lori. I'm beggin' you. I'm no
          good at this emotional crap, but I gotta
          help my best friend. Please. Just talk
          to him.
                        
                         LORI
                         (SIGH)
          I'll talk to him.
                        
                         TED
          Thank you. He's waitin' for me down at
          Charley's. So... maybe you could,
          y'know... go down instead of me?
                         LORI
          What... now?
                        
                         TED
          Please. You'll regret it for the rest of
          your life if you don't.
                        
                         LORI
          Alright, alright, I'll go.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         Lori emerges from the bedroom, dressed, and heads for the
         door. Ted is on the couch watching TV.
                        
                         TED
          (flipping on TV)
          Hey, you mind if I stay and watch the
          Sox?
                        
         The door shuts and she's gone. Ted gets up and walks
         into the kitchen. He opens the fridge.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Jesus Christ, what a chick fridge.
          Yoplait, a cantaloupe, and a Brita water
          filter.
                        
         He opens up a crisper drawer, and looks at a six-pack of
         beer bottles.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit.
          My god, America is imploding.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         102
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         He shakes his head as he opens the beer, and walks into
         the other room. He settles down in a recliner, and
         watches the game. After a moment, there's a knock at the
         door. Ted sighs with annoyance, and gets up.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Forget your keys?
                        
         He walks to the door, and opens it up.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          You know, your beer suck--
                        
         He freezes, and looks up. We reveal Donny, the creepy
         man from earlier, with his son Robert.
                        
                         DONNY
          Hi, Ted.
                        
                         TED
          Fuck.
                        
         Donny throws a sack over Ted, trapping him.
                        
                        
         EXT./ ESTAB. CHARLEY'S - LATER DAY
                        
         Lori's car pulls up, and she gets out.
                        
                        
         INT. CHARLEY'S - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Lori enters, and looks around. She spots John, who looks
         up from a menu. He is surprised to see her. She sighs
         and walks over to him.
                         JOHN
          Lori! What-- what are you doing here?
                        
                         LORI
          You can thank Ted.
                        
         A beat. John smiles slightly.
                        
                         LORI (CONT'D)
          How are you?
                        
                         JOHN
          Good, good. I've, uh... made myself a
          nice little home at the Midtown Hotel up
          the street. I'd show you around, but
          it's kinda classy. They require an
          undershirt and at least one visible cold
          sore for all customers.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         103
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
                         (LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)
          Well. Shall I sit?
                        
                         JOHN
          Uh, yeah.
                        
         She does. There's a beat. A busboy brings them each a
         water.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          So, work's good? Everything good there?
                        
                         LORI
          Yeah. Work's fine.
                        
                         JOHN
          How's Rex?
                        
                         LORI
          There is no Rex.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh. Good.
                         (BEAT)
          Well... I guess we can't make small talk
          all day, so I'll say what I wanna say. I
          could sit here and tell you I'm sorry, it
          was a huge misunderstanding, and I'm
          ready to change. But I don't think you
          wanna hear any of that crap. I'm not
          gonna try and get you to take me back.
          Why would you? I've been a really shitty
          boyfriend for the last four years. I
          don't deserve you. I didn't take our
          relationship seriously, even though I
          love you more than life itself. All I
          want is... just to end on good terms.
          Because I owe that to you. I want you to
          be happy... and for us to be friends.
                        
                         LORI
          (a little taken aback)
          Wow. Thank you. I appreciate that.
                        
                         JOHN
          Well. That's pretty much it.
                        
         He takes out some money, and puts it on the table, paying
         the check. He smiles at her and walks out. She sits
         there for a beat.
                         104
                        
                        
         EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
                        
         Donny's car pulls up. The house is a low-class, creepily
         shabby-looking Boston home (think Buffalo Bill in
         "Silence of the Lambs"). It's close to one end of the
         base of a bridge.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
                        
         Donny carries the sack inside, and unceremoniously dumps
         Ted onto the floor. Ted looks around. It's just as
         shitty on the inside as on the outside. On the walls,
         there are a disturbing number of newspaper clippings,
         photo spreads, etc. Most are from press from Ted's media
         heyday, but some are photographs of Ted and John out in
         public that Donny clearly took himself.
                         TED
          Whoa...
                        
                         DONNY
          Yes, as you can see, you've been part of
          our family for quite some time. Welcome
          home.
                        
                         TED
          Heh, you know what's hilarious, I got
          tons of pictures of you guys at my house.
                        
                         ROBERT
          Daddy, is he all mine?
                        
                         DONNY
          He's all yours, my little winner.
          You've arrived at a lucky time, Ted.
          It's almost Robert's play hour.
                        
                         TED
          I'm guessin' you guys don't have a PS3.
          I'm guessin' you're more of a wooden
          horse with a wig kinda family.
                        
                        
         INT. ROBERT'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Ted is led into Robert's room. It's a fairly sparse room
         with some toys strewn about. A wooden rocking horse with
         a wig stands in the corner.
                        
                         TED
          Huh. Wig horse.
                        
         Robert sits down on the floor, smiling at him. Donny
         stands in the doorway.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         105
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         DONNY
          Now, remember, Ted, you belong to Robert
          now. So you will do as he says.
                        
                         TED
          Y'know, you think you're just gonna get
          away with a kidnapping? Nice fuckin'
          example you're settin' for your kid.
                        
                         DONNY
          (leaning in to Ted with
                         ANGER)
          LANGUAGE!!!
                        
         Ted flinches nervously. Donny moves back.
                        
                         DONNY (CONT'D)
          When I was a little boy, I saw you on
          television. And I thought you were the
          most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd
          ever seen. Ever. And I asked my father
          if I could have a magical teddy bear,
          too. And he said no. And I was
          heartbroken. I decided that if I ever
          had a son, I would never say no to him.
                        
                         TED
          Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once
          in awhile wouldn't hurt.
                        
                         ROBERT
          Me and Ted are gonna be best friends,
          daddy.
                        
                         DONNY
          Yes. You are. Happy play time.
         Donny shuts the door. Robert stares at Ted.
                        
                         TED
          Jesus fucking Christ!
                        
                         ROBERT
          No! Daddy said no bad words!
                        
                         TED
          Yeah well, fuck your dad.
                        
         Ted scrambles for the window and tries to open it. It
         doesn't budge. He takes a running leap at it, but just
         bounces off like a plush toy, and lands on the floor.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Shit!
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         106
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Robert stands over him.
                        
                         ROBERT
          I said a bad word one time, and daddy
          punished me for it.
                        
                         TED
          That's a great story, I felt like I was
          there.
                        
                         ROBERT
          Daddy gave me an ouch. Now I have to
          give you an ouch.
                        
         Robert grabs Ted with one hand, and gets a grip on one of
         Ted's ears with the other hand. Robert pulls on the ear
         as hard as he can, and rips the ear off. Ted screams as
         loud as he can. Robert looks at him, holding the ear.
                        
                         TED
          Okay... okay, kid. You win. We'll do it
          your way. You wanna play a game or
          somethin'? It's play time, let's play a
          game.
                        
                         ROBERT
          Yeah, I wanna play a game!
                        
                         TED
          Good, good, hey, how `bout we play a
          little game of hide and seek?
                        
                         ROBERT
          I love hide and seek! I'll hide!
                        
                         TED
          Well, now, Robert, your dad likes you to
          show good manners, right?
                        
                         ROBERT
          Yes.
                        
                         TED
          Well, a well-mannered kid lets his guest
          hide first, don't ya think?
                        
         There's a beat. Robert stares blankly at him, then:
                        
                         ROBERT
          Okay, you hide first.
                        
                         TED
          Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count
          to a hundred and then try to find me,
          okay?
                         (CONTINUED)
                         107
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         ROBERT
          Do I need to wash my hands before this
          game?
                        
                         TED
          You... well-- no, you-- god, that's a
          weird fuckin' question, no, just start
          countin'.
                        
         Robert sits down, covers his eyes and starts counting.
                        
                         ROBERT
          One... two... three...
                        
         Ted grabs a chair and starts sliding it over toward the
         door.
                         TED
          Okay, no peekin', now, or you'll get kid
          cancer.
                        
         Ted reaches the door, climbs up onto the chair, and turns
         the doorknob. He opens the door, and exits out into the
         hallway. After a beat, he re-enters, grabs his severed
         ear, and exits again.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLWAY - LATE DAY
                        
         Ted nervously moves down the hallway toward the front
         door. He has it in sight on the far end of the living
         room, but when he gets closer to the living room doorway,
         he sees that Donny is sitting in an armchair, watching
         The Incredible Hulk (the old TV show). Ted darts back
         into the hallway before he's seen, but in the process,
         bumps into a small table with a lamp and a couple knick
         knacks on it. One of them, a small ceramic penguin,
         falls over, making a sound. Donny turns and looks in the
         direction of the hallway.
                        
                         DONNY
                         (BEAT)
          Robert? How's play time?
                        
                        
         INT. ROBERT'S ROOM - LATE DAY
                        
         Robert's hands still cover his eyes.
                        
                         ROBERT
          Good, daddy!
                         108
                        
                        
         INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE DAY
                        
                         DONNY
          Ted, are you making friends with Robert?
                        
         Ted looks panicky, not knowing what to do. After a beat,
         Donny leans forward as if he's about to get up.
                        
                         DONNY (CONT'D)
          Ted?
                        
          ROBERT (O.S.)
          Daddy, you're gonna ruin the game!
                        
                         DONNY
                         (CHUCKLING)
          Okay.
         Ted breathes a sigh of relief, and walks the other way
         down the hall. He passes a door. He opens it, but it's
         just a storage closet. He's about to shut it, but
         notices a stapler amidst the odds and ends. He hastily
         begins stapling his ear back on.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny's hears something, and turns to look. We think
         he's about to get up, but he then settles back in.
                        
         ANGLE BACK ON TED, who puts on last staple in.
         Satisfied, he exits the closet and continues down the
         hall.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY
         Ted looks around, and spots a phone on the counter. He
         jumps up, grabs the handset, and jumps back down. He
         dials John's number.
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John is walking back to the Midtown Hotel. After a beat,
         Lori's car pulls up slowly alongside him. She leans
         over.
                        
                         LORI
          Hey.
                        
                         JOHN
          Hey.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         109
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          Kinda late to be walkin' home by
          yourself.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh, I'll be okay. If I get raped, it'll
          be my fault with what I'm wearing.
                        
                         LORI
          Listen, John... there's something I wanna
          say to you, too.
                        
         He pauses, then gets into the car and sits down next to
         her. She prepares to speak, but John's phone rings. He
         shuts it off without looking at it.
                        
                         JOHN
          Go ahead.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY/DUSK
                        
         Ted nervously holds the phone to his ear.
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK
                        
                         LORI
          John, I just want you to know that... I
          mean, I hope you don't think that--
                        
         John's phone rings. He looks down at it, annoyed. It
         reads "Unknown caller." He silences it.
                        
                         LORI (CONT'D)
          I, um... I just feel like we should...
          keep talking. Because--
                        
         John's phone rings again. Exasperated, he answers it.
                        
                         JOHN
          Whoever this is, it's not a good time.
                        
         INTERCUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN TED AND JOHN:
                        
                         TED
          John! It's me! Can you hear me?
                        
                         JOHN
          Ted?
                        
         Lori sighs, slightly annoyed.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Listen, I gotta call you back.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         110
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
          No, John! Don't hang up, I'm in trouble!
                        
                         JOHN
          What do you mean, what kinda trouble?
                        
         Lori turns, slightly curious, but still annoyed.
                        
                         TED
          They got me! That freaky guy and his
          freaky fat kid!
                        
                         JOHN
          What?
                        
                         TED
          I'm in their house, John! You gotta call
          the police, they won't let me outta here!
          They tore my ear off!
                        
                         JOHN
          Wait, slow down! Where are you?
                        
                         TED
          Uh... I'm not sure, it's uh--
                        
         Suddenly, a hand grabs the phone away from Ted. He gasps
         and looks up. It's Donny, who slams the phone back down
         in its cradle.
                        
                         DONNY
          (dark, brewing rage)
          You're not a very polite guest.
                        
                         TED
          Shit.
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK
                        
                         JOHN
                         (INTO PHONE)
          Ted? Ted? Hello? Ted!
                        
                         LORI
          What's the matter, is he all right?
                        
                         JOHN
          I don't know.
                        
                         LORI
          Where is he?
                        
                         JOHN
          I don't know, but he's in trouble.
                         (CONTINUED)
                         111
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          Why? What happened? Can you call him
          back?
                        
                         JOHN
          No, it's blocked-- wait a second.
                        
         John scrambles for his wallet. He opens it, and pulls
         out the address given to him earlier by Donny at the
         Common. He looks at it, then points out the window.
                        
                         JOHN (CONT'D)
          Go! Take Columbus to Herald and get on
          the expressway!
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS
         Lori's car peels out and races off.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY
                        
         Donny stands over Ted.
                        
                         DONNY
          You've put us in a pickle here, haven't
          you? We have to go now.
                        
                         TED
          Yeah, good idea.
                        
         Ted runs through Donny's legs, and out into the hall. He
         races for the living room and the exit, but Robert steps
         in front of the door, blocking him.
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Aaaa!
                        
                         ROBERT
          Found you.
                        
         Robert turns the deadbolt on the door, locking it. Ted
         turns and bolts in the other direction back down the
         hallway, but sees Donny heading for him. Ted ducks into
         the dining room, as Donny lunges for him and misses.
                        
                        
         INT. DINING ROOM - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny pursues Ted around the table. Ted ducks under the
         table, under the chairs, etc. trying to escape Donny (and
         Robert, who has entered the room). Ted slips past them
         and back out into the hall.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         112
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         He races for the door, but the deadbolt is too high to
         reach. He runs into the living room, and pushes open a
         door.
                        
                        
         INT. BASEMENT - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted tumbles down the dark stairs into the basement, which
         is lit only by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling.
         He lands, gets his bearings, then freezes in shock, as he
         sees that the basement is loaded with ripped and
         mutilated teddy bears.
                        
                         TED
          AAAAAA!
                        
         Donny and Robert move in to frame behind him.
                         DONNY
          We tried to make do with other teddy
          bears. But none of them were you, Ted.
                        
         Ted whirls around in shock, as we cut to:
                        
                        
         EXT. STREET - DUSK
                        
         John and Lori race through the streets of Boston.
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - DUSK
                        
                         JOHN
          It's this creepy fucked-up guy who wants
          Ted for his creepy fucked-up son. They
          got him somehow.
                         LORI
          Which way?
                        
                         JOHN
          Shoot up 99!
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The car makes a hard left.
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John finishes punching numbers into his cellphone.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         113
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
                         (INTO PHONE)
          Hello, 911? I need the police right
          away! This guy took my teddy bear!
                         (BEAT)
          ...Hello?
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Lori's car speeds away.
                        
                        
         EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                        
         Donny and Robert emerge from the house. Donny clutches
         the sack. We can see it move as Ted struggles to get
         free. Robert gets in the back seat of the car as Donny
         opens the way back door, and dumps Ted inside.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted tumbles out of the sack and into the way back. Donny
         slams the door. He gets into the car.
                        
                         DONNY
          Robert, seat belt.
                        
         Robert buckles up.
                        
         EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny pulls away down the alley.
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
         Ted scrambles to his feet.
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John looks around frantically, then spots something out
         of the passenger's side window.
                        
         JOHN'S POV - They pass the alley, where we see Donny's
         car heading out of the alleyway.
                        
                         JOHN
                         (TO LORI)
          Whoa whoa, stop stop stop!
                        
         The car slows down, and John sees Donny's car make the
         turn out onto the street. Ted is looking out the back.
                         114
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
                         TED
          Johnny!
                        
         Robert and Donny both hear this. Donny looks in his side-
         view mirror, just in time to see Lori's car swing a U-
         turn to pursue them. Donny speeds up, and races off up
         the street. Lori's car speeds up in pursuit.
                        
                        
         EXT. STREETS OF BOSTON - NIGHT
                        
         We do several quick cuts as the chase blasts its way
         through the Boston streets, avoiding traffic and
         pedestrians.
                        
         INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny's car races through the tunnel. Lori's car
         pursues.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted continues to stare out the back. He then notices a
         crowbar on the floor in the way back. He grabs it, and
         takes a hard swing at the rear window. It does not
         break. Robert sees this, and scrambles to undo his seat
         belt.
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
                         JOHN
          Come on, we're losing him!
                        
         Lori speeds up.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted takes another swing at the window. The glass does
         not break. Robert undoes his seat belt, and scrambles
         back. He grabs Ted, who drops the crowbar. He starts to
         pull Ted back over into the back seat, but Ted manages to
         wriggle free.
                        
                        
         INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The chase continues.
                         115
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted grabs the crowbar, and again takes a swing at the
         window. This time, it shatters. He drops the crowbar,
         and climbs up onto the edge of the window.
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         They see Ted in the window.
                        
                         JOHN
          Get closer!
                        
                         LORI
          I'm trying!
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted gets one leg and one arm up onto the edge of the
         window, when suddenly he is whacked hard in the side of
         the head, sending him tumbling onto the floor. We see
         that Robert has struck him hard with the crowbar.
                        
                         TED
          (holding head in pain)
          Aaaaa! Shit!!
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         They continue watch with held breath, as they keep up.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
         Ted shakes himself off, still a little dazed, and climbs
         back up. Robert climbs into the way back and grabs one
         of his legs.
                        
                         ROBERT
          No! You're being bad!
                        
         Ted reaches down and grabs the crowbar with one arm, and
         brandishes it threateningly at Robert.
                        
                         TED
          Back off, Susan Boyle.
                        
         Robert backs off in fear. Ted climbs out onto the rear
         of the car, and positions himself to make the jump. He
         tosses the crowbar away into the tunnel. John and Lori
         speed up, getting closer to him, so he can make the jump.
                         116
                        
                        
         INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
                         JOHN
          Easy...
                        
                         LORI
          I know.
                        
                         JOHN
                         EASY--
                        
                         LORI
          I know!
                        
                        
         INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
         Lori's car moves closer to Donny's. There's a tense
         moment with some back and forth cutting... and then Ted
         makes the jump! He lands on the hood of Lori's car, and
         slides across, grabbing the windshield wiper to avoid
         falling off. He pulls himself back up. John and Lori
         breathe energetic sighs of relief.
                        
                         TED
          Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right?
                        
         John and Lori laugh.
                        
                         JOHN
          Yes! Fuckin' A right!
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny sees what's happening in his side mirror. He puts
         his foot on the brakes, and the car screeches as it
         drastically reduces speed. John's car slams into Donny's
         causing Ted to go flying back through open rear window of
         Donny's car, past Robert (who is still in the way back)
         and tumbling into the back seat.
                        
                         TED
          God dammit!
                        
         Ted gets his bearings, and notices the sack that Donny
         captured him in, lying on the floor. He looks up at
         Donny for a beat, then grabs the sack.
                        
         ANGLE ON Donny driving. Suddenly, Ted jumps up from
         behind, and throws the sack over Donny's head, bracing
         himself against the back of the front seat. Donny yells
         in anger, and pulls at Ted, trying to get him off.
                         117
                        
                        
         INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny's car scrapes against the side of the tunnel,
         sending sparks flying.
                        
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny grabs Ted and flings him off his face, onto the
         floor on the passengers' side. Donny rips the sack off
         his head, and reacts as he looks out the front window.
         He's approaching the end of the tunnel, and there is
         opposing traffic moving in the other direction.
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
         Donny swerves past the traffic, narrowly avoiding
         clipping one of the cars. A moment later, John and Lori
         come racing out of the tunnel. However, a truck drives
         through the intersection, stopping them in their tracks.
                        
                         LORI
          Shit!
                        
         She pounds on the steering wheel, frantically willing the
         truck to get out of the way. Finally it does, and they
         continue on into the city.
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny's car races through the streets, pursued by John
         and Lori, who are catching up again, but are still a ways
         behind.
                        
         INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted is still on the floor on the passenger's seat side.
         He looks around, and spots a "Club" underneath the seat.
         He glances at Donny, whose eyes are on the road. Ted
         grabs the club, and scrambles up the seat, taking a swing
         at Donny. Donny ducks out of the way, and tries to slap
         Ted away as Ted continues to takes swings at him. A few
         of them land, eventually drawing blood. Donny smacks Ted
         away. Ted tumbles back onto the passenger's seat. Then,
         with determination, he grabs the Club again, scurries in
         front of Donny, and locks the Club onto the steering
         wheel with a snap! Donny's eyes widen as Ted scrambles
         into the back seat. Donny tries to turn the wheel, but
         can't.
                         118
                        
                        
         EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT
                        
         Donny's car swerves out of control, veering up the
         street, and crashing into a lamppost, fishtailing as it
         impacts. The airbags go off as the car comes to a stop.
         Taking advantage of the situation, Ted scrambles out the
         back window. He catches his fur on a jagged shard of
         glass, slightly ripping his side. He hangs and struggles
         for a bit, then drops to the ground. He sways a bit.
         TED'S POV - We see that his vision is swimming slightly.
         That little rip has done something... He shakes it off,
         and runs up the sidewalk. ANGLE ON DONNY, who scrambles
         out of the wrecked car, followed by Robert. They chase
         Ted up the street. Ted spots a garage with the door
         slightly open. He squeezes himself underneath, and
         disappears inside.
         ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - They screech to a stop behind
         Donny's car. They hurry out, just in time to see Donny
         and Robert duck underneath the door. They run up the
         sidewalk after them.
                        
                        
         INT. UNDERGROUND AREA - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted runs down a ramp, looking frantically around for an
         escape route. He darts off to the left, sprinting up a
         ramp, followed by Donny and Robert. Ted stops at a red
         metal fence, and squeezes through, rushing up the stairs
         on the other side. Donny reaches the fence, but with his
         larger size he has to climb over the top, which slows him
         down a bit.
                        
         ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - We catch them ducking in through
         the garage door, and running inside. They look around
         for a beat. ANGLE ON ROBERT, who turns and sees them
         (Donny has already made it over the fence). ANGLE BACK
         ON JOHN.
                        
          ROBERT (O.S.)
          NO!!
                        
         John and Lori turn just in time to see Robert charging at
         them!
                        
                         ROBERT (CONT'D)
          You can't have my teddy bear!!
                        
         When Robert reaches John, John knocks him down with one
         punch to the face. Robert collapses. Lori and John look
         down at him.
                        
                         LORI
          Oh my god.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         119
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         JOHN
          Sorry, someone had to go Joan Crawford on
          that kid.
                         (THEN)
          Come on!
                        
         John and Lori run up the ramp, leaving a stunned Robert
         behind. When they reach the red fence, they look around,
         but it's unclear which way Ted and Donny have gone. John
         continues up the ramp (in the wrong direction) with Lori
         just behind him.
                        
                        
         INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted runs as fast as his stubby legs will carry him.
         Donny is in pursuit, and getting closer. The chase moves
         past a concession area, and up a few flights of stairs.
                        
                        
         EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted runs out onto the upper level, and stops. The camera
         PIVOTS 180 DEGREES and ascends to reveal the expanse of
         FENWAY PARK down below. A few lights are on, and one
         lone maintenance man sweeps the dirt. Donny emerges from
         the stairwell, which snaps Ted out of it. Ted sprints
         past the front row of seats, and comes to a dead end. He
         has nowhere else to go. With Donny closing in, Ted
         scurries out onto the ledge, and pulls himself up onto
         the lighting tower. He looks down. From TED'S POV, it's
         a long drop. Donny reaches out to grab him, but can't
         quite reach. Donny glances down at the drop for a beat,
         then pulls himself out onto the ledge to go after Ted.
         Ted climbs farther up the tower.
                        
         INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John and Lori emerge and continue to look around
         frantically. They run up the walkway.
                        
                        
         EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donny pursues Ted up the tower.
                        
                        
         EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John and Lori emerge into the lower seating section, and
         run down the aisle, looking around with desperation.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         120
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          (spotting the action on the
                         TOWER)
          Look!
                        
         John turns and sees the drama playing out on the distant
         lighting tower.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh Jesus...
                         (THEN)
          Stay here.
                        
                         LORI
          Wait, John! What are you--
                        
                         JOHN
          STAY THERE!!
                        
         He turns and runs back up the aisle, toward the
         concession area.
                        
                        
         EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted is starting to gain ground, but he slips, and falls
         back down. He's about to pulls himself up again, when
         Donny grabs one of his legs.
                        
                        
         EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John continues up the aisle as fast as he can move.
                        
                        
         EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
         Ted struggles to pull himself from Donny's grasp, but he
         can't. CLOSE UP ON TED'S SIDE - The small rip from
         earlier begins to tear again. CLOSE UP ON TED'S FACE -
         His eyes go wide, and for a moment, his face freezes with
         fear. TED'S POV - His vision swims a bit more. He knows
         this is not good...
                        
                        
         EXT. CONCESSION AREA - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John reaches the top of the lower seating area, and
         sprints past the concession bar, heading for the stairs.
                         121
                        
                        
         EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The struggle continues. As Ted tries to pull himself
         free, the rip gets bigger. He reacts again, and again we
         see his vision swimming even more.
                        
                        
         EXT. STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John runs up the stairwell.
                        
                        
         EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The struggle continues. Ted tries to pull himself up,
         but he's visibly weakened and his hands are slipping.
                        
         EXT. - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John continues up the stairwell.
                        
                        
         EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ted manages to pull free from Donny. He uses all his
         depleted strength to pull himself farther up.
                        
                        
         EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John runs past the top of the stairwell, and sprints over
         toward the lighting tower, just in time to see...
                        
                        
         EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
         Donny makes one final reach for Ted. He grabs Ted by the
         foot again, and pulls hard. With one great RRRIIIIIIP,
         Ted tears into two pieces. As John watches in shock, Ted
         falls through the air in SLO-MOTION, a shower of white
         stuffing descending with him. Lori watches with a hand
         over her mouth. The two halves of Ted land, along with
         the scattered white stuffing. Donny, still hanging,
         stares down at the fallen teddy bear. He starts pulling
         himself back over the ledge.
                        
         We lead and follow John as he runs back down through the
         stadium with desperate numbness. Lori climbs over the
         edge of the seating area, and runs toward him as well.
         ANGLE BACK ON DONNY, who pulls himself back over into the
         upper seating area. He hears the sound of a cop siren,
         and peers over the edge of the stadium. Seeing a cop car
         pull up far below, he makes a break for it.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         122
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         Down below, Ted's top half lies on the grass, looking
         around in a daze, like a badly wounded soldier for whom
         there is not much hope. John and Lori race to his side,
         and kneel down.
                        
                         JOHN
          Ted!
                        
                         LORI
          Oh my God...
                        
                        
                         TED
          (weak, slow breathing)
          Johnny...
                        
         Ted looks glassy-eyed for a beat. John starts to
         frantically gather up the chunks of stuffing.
                        
                         JOHN
          Lori, get the stuffing! Get it all!
                        
         Lori starts helping him, desperately grabbing chunks of
         the white cotton.
                        
                         TED
          Johnny...
                        
         John leans back over Ted.
                        
                         JOHN
          You're gonna be okay, buddy. you
          understand? You're gonna be fine.
                        
                         TED
                         (WEAK)
          Jesus, I look like the robot from
          "Aliens".
                        
                         JOHN
          No, look at me, buddy. I promise, you're
          gonna be okay.
                        
                         TED
          I... I don't think so. I'm... I'm in
          trouble. I need... I need to tell you
          something.
                        
                         JOHN
          What is it?
                        
                         TED
          Don't... don't ever lose her again.
          She's the most important... most
          important part of your life.
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
                         123
                        CONTINUED:
                         TED (CONT'D)
          Even more than me. She's your thunder
          buddy now. She's--
                        
         Ted closes his eyes... and dies. ANGLE DIRECTLY ABOVE
         TED as we pull away, and it starts to rain...
                        
                        
         EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         The rain is pouring now. Lori's car pulls up. She and
         John hurry out, John holding the remains of Ted. They
         race inside.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         John and Lori burst in with the remains of Ted. They're
         both drenched from the rain. Lori frantically searches
         drawers for sewing materials. She finds a needle and
         thread, and John puts Ted on the table. Lori starts to
         sew him up as John watches intently.
                        
                         LORI
          John... I don't know if this is gonna--
                        
                         JOHN
          Just try. Please. Just try.
                        
         She continues sewing, until she is all finished. They
         wait. Ted still does not move. John and Lori lower
         their heads.
                        
                        
         INT. LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
                        
         John sits on the couch, head in hands. Ted still lies on
         the coffee table. Lori enters with a blanket, and drapes
         it around him. She sits down next to him, bringing part
         of the blanket around herself. She places a hand on his
         shoulder.
                        
                         LORI
          John... I'm sorry. You did everything
          you could. I'm... I'm just so sorry.
                        
         She gently puts an arm around him. There is a
         thunderclap outside. John does not react.
                        
                         LORI (CONT'D)
          (almost too softly to be
                         HEARD)
          You're not afraid...
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         124
                        CONTINUED:
                        
         ANGLE ON TED (shortly after) as a white sofa blanket is
         placed over him. John and Lori shut off the lights, and
         exit...
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
                        
         John is asleep, but we see that Lori is still lying
         awake. She sighs restlessly, and gets up. She walks
         over to the window, and looks out.
                        
                        
         EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
                        
         ANGLE UPWARD - We see a cloudy sky, much like the one
         from that night when John was a child. As before, there
         is a small clear patch in the center. A shooting star
         whizzes by through the opening.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Lori's eyes widen a bit in recognition. She stares at
         the shooting star for a beat, then closes her eyes and
         makes a wish...
                        
                        
         EXT./ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - TIME LAPSE
                        
                        
         INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM - MORNING
                        
         John wakes up, looks around groggily, then remembers. He
         gets out of bed, and walks toward the living room.
                        
                        
         INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         He pauses for a beat... and walks in. The blanket is
         where it was left. John slowly removes it. Ted is still
         motionless. John lowers his head sadly. Suddenly, Ted's
         eyes snap open.
                        
                         JOHN
          Ted!
                        
                         TED
                         (RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
          I'm alive, Johnny!
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh my god!
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         125
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         TED
                         (RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
          I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
                        
                         JOHN
          You're back!
                        
                         TED
                         (RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
          Yeah! I mean, when you sewed me up, you
          put some of the stuffing in the wrong
          places, so I'm a little fucked up. Will
          you take care of me forever and ever?
                        
         John stares at him, confused.
                        
                         TED (CONT'D)
                         (NORMAL VOICE)
          Nah, I'm just kiddin' ya, I thought it'd
          be funny if you thought I was fuckin'
          retarded.
                        
                         JOHN
          You asshole!
                        
         John grabs him and hugs him. Lori enters. She sees
         what's happening, and a huge smile crosses her face.
                        
                         LORI
          Welcome back, Ted.
                        
         John turns to Lori, and realizes...
                        
                         JOHN
          It... it was you. You did it. (cover
          this line with addition:) It was your
          wish.
                        
                         TEDDY
          (smiling, speechless)
          Son of a bitch...You wished for my life
          back.
                        
         She smiles at him.
                        
                         LORI
          No. I wished for my life back. Because
          I love you both.
                        
         John goes to her, and kisses her passionately.
                        
                         TED
          You were pretty great out there at
          Fenway, Johnny.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         126
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         LORI
          Yeah, that's my big brave man.
                        
                         JOHN
          Oh my god, do you know how awesome it was
          punching a kid? I felt so powerful! I
          mean if that's what it's like to hit a
          woman, watch out, I liked it.
                        
                         LORI
                         (SMILING)
          I love you.
                        
                         JOHN
          I love you, too.
                         (THEN)
          And, I want you to know that... I'm
          probably never gonna be any more than a
          guy who rents cars, but... I don't care.
          You're the only thing that matters in my
          life.
                        
          TED (O.S.)
                         AY--
                        
                         JOHN
          You and Ted.
                        
          TED (O.S.)
          Yes!
                        
                         JOHN
          And after last night, I... I don't ever
          want to lose anyone who matters to me
          ever again. I'm not gonna wait any
          longer for my life to start. Lori...
          will you marry me?
                        
                         LORI
          (beat, she smiles)
          That's all I ever wanted.
                        
         John and Lori kiss as we pull away...
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          And so John, Lori, and Ted lived happily
          ever after, having discovered at last
          that all they really needed was each
          other. John and Lori were married in a
          beautiful ceremony in Cambridge, by a
          very special Justice of the Peace.
                         127
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         We hear the Flash Gordon Wedding March as we ANGLE ON Sam
         J. Jones standing in robes at the altar. Ted, in a tux,
         stands in the best man's position. John stands on the
         steps smiling and looking out as we cut to...
                        
         ANGLE ON Lori, walking down the aisle in a wedding dress,
         smiling warmly. TIME CUT to shortly after, as Sam Jones
         addresses the two of them, standing at the altar.
                        
                         SAM JONES
          I now pronounce you man and wife. You
          may kiss the bride.
                        
         John and Lori kiss each other. They turn and wave to the
         cheering crowd. Ted waves happily to John, who waves
         back. John and Lori run down the aisle joyfully, passing
         pews full of people from the movie: Lori's co-workers,
         John's co-workers, (Guy sitting with HIS BOYFRIEND, Alix
         and Tanya, etc.).
                        
                        
         EXT. OLD BOSTON CHURCH - CONTINUOUS
                        
         John and Lori come running out of the church, as the
         crowd throws rice at them. They run to a waiting limo
         with a "Just Married" sign on the back. John gets in,
         and Lori turns to throw the bouquet toward Gina,
         Michelle, Tracy, and Tanya. Tanya catches it. She turns
         and smiles at Alix. Then suddenly, Tami-Lynn bursts into
         frame, punching Tanya in the jaw. Tanya goes down as
         Tami-Lynn tackles her, and the crowd tries to pull her
         off. ANGLE ON the limo as it pulls away...
                        
         Ted stands next to Sam J. Jones, watching with a smile as
         his best friend heads off.
                        
                         TED
          Y'know Sam, there's only one way to end a
          perfect day.
                        
                         SAM JONES
          What's that?
                        
                        
                         TED
          On three.
                        
                         SAM JONES
          What on three?
                        
                         TED
          Flash jump.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         128
                        CONTINUED:
                        
                         SAM JONES
                         (REALIZING)
          Right.
                        
                        
          One... two... three.
                        
         DOWNSHOT Ted and Sam Jones leap into the air at the same
         time...
                        
          TED/SAM JONES
          YEAH!!!
                        
         They freeze frame in mid-air, as the Flash Gordon theme
         kicks in. Over the music:
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          And that's the story of how one magical
          wish forever changed the lives of three
          very special friends.
                        
         INSERT: footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn from their double
         date.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid
          love affair for quite some time. One
          afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli
          counter eating potato salad off of Tami-
          Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly
          promoted to store manager.
                        
         INSERT: footage of Sam Jones, walking toward John in slow
         motion.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with
          the goal of restarting his film career.
          He currently resides in Burbank where he
          shares a studio apartment with his
          roommate Brandon Routh.
                        
         INSERT: photo of BRANDON ROUTH.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Remember Brandon Routh from that god-
          awful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ.
          Thanks for getting our hopes up and
          taking a giant shit on us.
                        
         INSERT: footage or Rex at the office.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
                         129
                        CONTINUED:
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not
          long after he fell into a deep depression
          and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
                        
         INSERT: footage of Donny dancing in his living room.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Donny was arrested by Boston police and
          charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The
          charges were dropped when everyone
          realized how completely stupid that
          sounded.
                        
         INSERT: footage of Robert, talking to Ted in his bedroom.
                        
          NARRATOR (V.O.)
          Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial
          amount of weight, and went on to become
          Taylor Lautner.
                        
         INSERT: photo of TAYLOR LAUTNER.
                        
                        
                        
                         THE END