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  • [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab. Squidward is slowly getting angry at the customers' eating habits in the restaurant. He gets angrier and angrier until he finally blows his top.]
  • Squidward: [groans angrily and screams] Another rotten day at the Krusty Krab! [everyone pauses and all stare at Squidward for a few seconds before eating again; he calms down] Not that anyone's listening. [gets his head turned around by SpongeBob] Huh?
  • SpongeBob: I'm listening, Squidward. Tell SpongeBob your troubles. [giggles as he holds up a microphone]
  • Squidward: [sighs] If you must know, I'm stuck in a dead-end job working at this grease trap. [squeezes Krabby Patty juice into a cup; Patrick takes the cup and sips the juice] My tentacles hurt. [his suction cups swell up and down] And I live next door to the number one most annoying neighbor in Bikini Bottom. [grumbles]
  • SpongeBob: [smiles] Whoo! Number one!
  • Squidward: One more annoying thing, and I'm gonna lose it. [SpongeBob backs down and comes out with a meal while biting his nails; Squidward sighs] And there it is.
  • SpongeBob: [hands Tom his meal] Your Krabby Patty meal, sir.
  • Tom: [sees fingernail clippings on his sandwich] Huh? Ew! Fingernails. [pushes his meal away]
  • [The customers react uncomfortably as they all see SpongeBob biting his nails.]
  • Customer #1: That's worse than a hair!
  • [SpongeBob's fingernail clippings fly into Nat's drink. As Nat drinks his soda, he spits out the fingernail clippings. The clippings fly over to Ms. Mildred. Ms. Mildred looks at herself in the mirror and screams when she sees fingernail clippings all over her. SpongeBob continues to bite his nails as the customers react in disgust. SpongeBob goes back to the kitchen and spits out fingernail clippings in Squidward's face.]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, would you stop biting your nails?!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, I never bite my nails. [bites his nails]
  • Squidward: What do you call that?
  • SpongeBob: [yelps when he realizes he is biting his nails] Oh. [giggles in embarrassment]
  • Squidward: Ugh, nail-biting is a disgusting bad habit, so quit it!
  • SpongeBob: I promise not to bite my nails ever again. [looks at his nails and goes to bite them]
  • Squidward: Ahem!
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Oops. I guess biting my nails has become a bad habit.
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob going back home from the Krusty Krab.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, breaking this nail-biting habit'll be a snap. [tries to resist his nail-biting habit, but couldn't; he sits in his chair with his hands under him] Just have to keep my nails away...[his hand twitches] From my mouth. [licks his hand but stops] Simple. [feels two more hands emerging from his body] Huh? Ugh...[bites his two extra hands, but stops] I need a plan B.
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob attempting to paint his nails with nail polish.]
  • SpongeBob: There, now my nails are too pretty to bite. [sees Krabby Patties on his fingernails] Huh? [tries to resist his nail-biting habit, but couldn't as he bites off more fingernail clippings
  • Gary: Meow.
  • [SpongeBob looks at his nails and sees Krabby Patties partially eaten from the bitten fingernails.]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: What's that? [Gary holds up a leash] Oh, what a great idea, Gary. A walk would really car my head.
  • [SpongeBob exits the house, leaving Gary behind.]
  • Gary: Meow?
  • SpongeBob: [walks down the streets of Bikini Bottom and sniffs the air] Ah, I just needed to breath of fresh water. [sniffs] Ah. [resumes biting his nails, but stops immediately; he ties his hands in double knots] That'll take care of it. [his feet flip off his shoes and forces SpongeBob to bite his toenails] Oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it! [sniffs off his socks and bites his toenails, before stopping] Well...I do'd it. [giggles in embarrassment and pulls his feet out of his mouth] Time for stronger measures. [ties his arms and legs in double knots] All right, self, let's see ya get out of that one. [rolls himself down the road and bumps into Fred]
  • Fred: Whoa, SpongeBob, are you okay? [lends SpongeBob a helping hand]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Fred, your nails. They're so...beautiful.
  • Fred: Aw, thanks. I really pride myself on— [his nails get bitten by SpongeBob] My nails!
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Must bite nails! [laughs menacingly and runs off]
  • [Mrs. Puff enters a nearby nail salon and goes to get a manicure.]
  • Mrs. Puff: [hums] Give me the works, Ethel. [puts a hot towel on her face] Ugh, my nails are in terrible shape. [feels her hand getting massages] Ooh, that feels good. [suddenly feels something biting and stammers] Ethel, you know I like to keep my nails long— [shakes off the towel and sees SpongeBob biting Mrs. Puff's nails] SpongeBob! [shakes SpongeBob off and falls backwards]
  • SpongeBob: So when should we schedule your next appointment? [gets kicked out by an angry Mrs. Puff] Whoa! [lands in front of Patrick]
  • Patrick: SpongeBob! Trying out a new look with your face? [sees SpongeBob's holes biting hits nails] I like it!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, I can't stop...biting my fingernails.
  • Patrick: Hmm. Mm-hmm. Ha! I know just what you need! [grabs SpongeBob and carries him over to Glove World!] Glove World! makes me forget all my troubles...and my name.
  • SpongeBob: You're right. I've forgotten all about biting my...[sees a glove-shaped balloon] nails!
  • [SpongeBob howls like a wolf and hops over to the balloon. He removes to glove and bites on the balloon causing it to pop. The kid's mother pulls her child away and two park employees arrive.]
  • Glove World! employee: Hey you, gimme that! [tries to remove to balloon debris from SpongeBob, but removes his dentures; talks through his walkie-talkie] Knuckle 22 to base. We've got a nail-biter in Pinky Land.
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick get kicked out of Glove World!. The employee throws SpongeBob's dentures in Patrick's head. SpongeBob recovers his dentures and puts it back in his mouth.]
  • SpongeBob: [bites his nails] I think...I think...I need help.
  • [Patrick dials the number on his shellphone.]
  • Sandy: [on phone] Cheeks residence.
  • SpongeBob: Sandy!
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob back at his house while still biting his nails. Sandy is observing SpongeBob's nail-biting problem and tries to figure out the solution to it.]
  • Sandy: Don't worry, SpongeBob. We'll stop your nail-biting habit quicker than a jet-powered jackrabbit! [puts a water helmet on SpongeBob] This'll keep your fingers out of your kisser.
  • SpongeBob: I sure hope so.
  • [It worked for a little while, but SpongeBob's hands could not resist the non-stop nail-biting habit. His hands try to break through the water helmet, but it was too strong. His arms went into his body and starts biting his fingernails on the inside.]
  • Sandy: Tell me he ain't doing what I think he's doing.
  • Patrick: Oh, he's good.
  • [SpongeBob's teeth inside his mouth are literally biting his fingernails, grossing Sandy and Patrick out.]
  • Sandy: SpongeBob, that's just plain wrong.
  • [Later that night, Sandy places SpongeBob's fingers in a finger-like pillory.]
  • Sandy: I guess we're gonna have to watch you like Mr. Krabs watches his bank account!
  • [After a short while, the pillory seems to work. But SpongeBob's toes and fingers wiggle, much to Sandy's dismay. For a while, Sandy is sound asleep. She wakes up and sees SpongeBob and Patrick asleep. Then she goes back to sleep. And after a while, she walks up and sees Patrick sleeping in SpongeBob's chair. And the pillory that was holding SpongeBob is unlocked.]
  • Sandy: What, what?! Where'd he go? [feels something in her sleeve, removes it and sees SpongeBob biting her nails]
  • SpongeBob: [chews on Sandy's nails] Hi, Sandy.
  • Sandy: It's high time we got you some professional help.
  • [The scene changes to Sandy and Patrick taking SpongeBob to hypno therapy.]
  • Sandy: This doctor's the best hypnotherapist in Bikini Bottom. He'll sort out your bad habit.
  • Receptionist: [through speaker] The doctor will see you now, Mr. SquarePants.
  • [SpongeBob enters a dark room while biting his nails.]
  • Hans: [off-screen] Oh, please relax, Mr. SquarePants. Now, what seems to be the trouble?
  • SpongeBob: Doctor, I can't stop...[bites his nails] I can't stop...[bites his nails] I can't stop biting my nails! I don't know what to do! [bites his nails]
  • Hans: [turns on the light] Well, let us take a peak into your subconscious and see what is causing your problem. [waves watch] Keep your eyes on the watch, Mr. SquarePants. Watch the watch, Mr. SquarePants.
  • SpongeBob: Watch the watch...watch the watch...[gets hypnotized and feels woozy] Watch the watch.
  • Hans: What seems to be troubling you, Mr. SquarePants?
  • SpongeBob: [his spiraling eyes pop out of his head] I can't stop...biting my...nails.
  • Hans: Why do you want to bite your nails?
  • SpongeBob: Stuck in dead-end job. [holds up Krabby Patty] Work in a grease trap. [squeezes juice out of the Krabby Patty]
  • Hans: Go on.
  • SpongeBob: [his hands appear as tentacles and the swell up and down] Tentacles hurt.
  • Hans: Tentacles? Hmm, interesting.
  • SpongeBob: Neighbor...SpongeBob...[his nose forms into Squidward's nose] annoying.
  • Hans: But aren't you SpongeBob, Mr. SquarePants? [stops waving the watch]
  • SpongeBob: [his head appears as Squidward] No...I am Squidward.
  • Hans: [gasps] Mr. SquarePants! Obviously, you have subconsciously internalized Mr. Squidward's problems as your own. When I snap my fingers, you'll realize you are not Squidward. You are SpongeBob, and your desire to bite your nails will—Poof! Disappear. [snaps his fingers and SpongeBob wakes up from the trance]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps and looks around] Am I cured?
  • Hans: Yeah, you are cured.
  • SpongeBob: Whoopee! Thanks, Doctor...Doctor...[the lights turn back on] Hans?! [gasps as he sees Hans' fingernails] Giant, delicious fingernails! [hops onto Hans and goes to bite his nails]
  • Hans: Mr. SquarePants, please!
  • Squidward: [enters the room] Doctor Hans, I'm here for my weekly appointment... [sees SpongeBob biting Hans' nails and gets scared] I'm going to need therapy for my therapy...[nervously bites his nails, backs away, and shuts the door]
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