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[Intro logos. As Junkie XL's score picks up, we see golden rings hovering over a lake, before grouping around the Paramount mountain, accompanied by the well-known ring sound effects. The music becomes more synthesized as we zoom out of a screen showing the original 1991 Sonic the Hedgehog, showing several other games. Golden Axe, Altered Beast, and so on. Eventually, we see that the game screens have been condensed into the combined shape of the SEGA logo, which turns blue and is underscored with the traditional "SEGA" chant. One more logo, that of Original Film, is shown before the movie starts. We're shown San Francisco at broad daylight. A streak of blue light flies over a nearby skyscraper, followed by a futuristic flying machine, firing lasers and causing explosions. We zoom in, revealing the blue streak to be Sonic. A man inside the machine, Dr. Robotnik, grunts and leans back and forth to steer his flying contraption. Eventually, the footage freezes, complete with a vinyl screech]

Sonic (vo): So, I know what you're thinking... (as the footage starts back up) "Why is that incredibly handsome hedgehog being chased by a madman with a mustache from the Civil War?"

[The chase continues]

Sonic (vo): Well, to be honest, it feels like I've been running my whole life. Is this too much? Am I going too fast? It's kind of what I do. You know what? Let's back up.

[Sonic imitates the sound of a video being played back while the footage is rewinded, eventually cutting to black. As Hyper Potions' Friends starts to play, a beautiful island emerges out of a line of clouds, a photo-realistic version of Green Hill Zone from the first Sonic game. Sonic gives a narration as we zoom in. That same blue streak of light races over the island as the opening credits roll]

Sonic (vo): This is the Island where I'm from. It had everything: sandy beaches, cascading waterfalls…

[The streak flies through a gigantic loop-de-loop]

Sonic (vo): Public access to loop-de-loops.

[We hear the streak cheering in excitement as it races over a ramp, before landing at the tail end of another ramp]

Sonic (vo): And I never had to catch a school bus, because I could run across the entire island in less than two seconds.

[We see that the streak (big shock) is a young Sonic, looking rather reminiscent of his classic video game self. The younger Sonic keeps on running, and even curls up into a ball, while the older Sonic continues his story]

Sonic (vo): Also, there was no school. I know, pretty sweet island, right?

Baby Sonic: (flying high in the sky) Yeah!

[The speedster continues his journey. Jumping everywhere, running over bridges…]

Sonic (vo): I was born with extraordinary powers and was told to keep them secret. And like any kid, I did the exact opposite.

[...before reaching a small cottage. Sonic rolls inside and bumps into his sleeping caretaker, Longclaw the Owl. She wakes up, Sonic laughs, lying on the floor]

Sonic (vo): That's Longclaw. She took care of me. She was basically Obi-Wan Kenobi… if Obi-Wan Kenobi had a beak and ate mice.

Longclaw: (concerned) Sonic! Someone could have seen you.

Baby Sonic: (not worried) No one saw me. (running in place) I'm too fast. And… (holds out a sunflower) I wanted to bring you this.

Longclaw: (endeared) Ah...

[But then she looks up in horror. Several masked echidnas have surrounded the house, arching bows]

Longclaw: (grabbing Sonic) Get down!

[She closes the door, just as several arrows fly into it. One flies through the window, straight through the flower Sonic had been holding. Outside, the tribe comes closer]

Sonic (vo): Turns out with great power comes great power-hungry bad guys. And I led them right to us.

[They appear through the broken windows, holding nets. Longclaw flies straight through one of the windows, holding Sonic in her claws. The echidna continue to fire, eventually hitting the owl in her flank. Longclaw grunts and falls on the ground. She gets up and puts Sonic back on his feet]

Longclaw: Listen carefully, Sonic. You have a power unlike anything I have ever seen, and that means someone will always want it. The only way to stay safe is to stay hidden.

[Longclaw grabs a golden ring out of a pouch she's carrying. The owl throws it away. The ring widens, it becomes a portal to a dark, different world]

Longclaw: This world is on the far side of the universe. You should be safe there.

Baby Sonic: I don't wanna go without you.

Longclaw: You must. (hands over the pouch) These rings will be your most important possession.

[She looks up and gasps. The Echidna Tribe has found them and chases towards Sonic]

Longclaw: If you're ever discovered, use one. (pushing Sonic to the portal) Never stop running. Now, go!

[The small hedgehog sprints through the portal. At a distance, he sees Longclaw, spreading her wings to protect the entrance]

Baby Sonic: (scared, running back) Longclaw!

[The owl looks over her shoulder as the portal starts to shrink]

Longclaw: (sad) Goodbye, Sonic...

Baby Sonic: No!

[The ring dematerializes, just before Sonic can jump through it]

Baby Sonic: No!

[The young Sonic shakily breathes in and out. He's alone. The title card appears: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. Cut to black, before we're shown the present day]

Green Hills, Montana

Ten Years Later

[All we see is a highway, a sign and a police car hidden behind the sign. Inside, a police officer, Tom Wachowski, holds out a laser gun. Not that it is needed. There's not a single car to be seen]

Tom: Come on, one car?

[He briefly lowers the device and shakes his hand. To pass the time, he imitates how he would track a speeding car, until he accidentally knocks the gun against his jaw]

Tom: I'm bored!

Wade (vo): (heard through the police radio) Tom? Do you read me? Are you there?

[Tom talks to his colleague with a communicator]

Tom: (sarcastically) No, Wade. I'm actually on a yacht in Barbados. With Rihanna.

[We cut to the police station, where Wade stands next to his desk]

Wade: (oblivious) OMG... (laughs) That's amazing, please send pics.

Tom: No, Wade. I'm at the speed track.

Wade (vo): Already?!

[Cutting back]

Wade: How did you get back so fast? Barbados is in the ocean.

[It's clear that Wade isn't the sharpest tool in the shed]

Tom: (seeing something) Hang on. I think I got something...

[Tom grabs his tracking device and aims it at... a turtle. A beep, its speed is registered: 1 MPH]

Tom: (yelling at the turtle) Hey, buddy! Where's the fire?! There are kids living around here. (lifting his hand) I thought it was kind of fun, sorry...

[He chuckles and takes his sunglasses off, just as something passes the laser gun, lying on the dashboard. It reads 290 miles per hour]

Tom: (confused) What?

[As the young officer pats against the device, thinking it's broken, we see a slightly older Sonic, hanging down behind the car. Tom resets the timer, just in time for Sonic to pass it again: 300 MPH. Tom is stunned and Sonic excited, doing a fist bu- Err, pump, fist pump. Tom looks around and leaves the car. As he looks through the field nearby, he finds something. A blue quill. He picks it up and looks at it from all sides]

Wade (vo): Tom, we need you down on Main Street. There's been a violent gang shootout.

[Cut to the police car being driven away]

Wade (vo): (laughing) Just kidding, a duck stole a bagel. But they do need it back.

[The turtle continues its tremendously slow walk, but another car drives towards it. Just as it's about to drive over the poor animal, Sonic speeds by and pulls it out of the car's way]

Sonic: (to the turtle) Whoa, buddy. Almost got yourself killed out there. (softly tapping its head) What are you, some kind of adrenaline junkie?

[Don't Stop Me Now from Queen starts to pick up in the background. Perfect song choice]

Sonic: Must be rough, being slow all the time... (smiling) Tell you what, today is your lucky day.

[Freddie Mercury's vocals kick in. Sonic and the turtle he's holding are speeding across the highway]

Sonic: Woohoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Have you ever felt so alive?! (raises it in his left hand) This is great, you're doing amazing!

[Then the reptile flies out of Sonic's hand]

Sonic: Oh, jeez!

[He quickly runs back, grabs it and continues his run]

Sonic: (brushing it off) Good recovery! Woohoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[In a nearby forest, Sonic puts the shaking turtle back on the ground]

Sonic: Let's keep this our little secret, okay? You never saw me. (waving his arms dramatically) I was never here...

[He races away. POV shot, Sonic runs through the forest until he reaches his hideout: a cave, decked out with several things he presumably "borrowed" throughout the years. Sonic quickly runs around the place, playbacking, doing push ups, playing guitar while jumping off his bean bag and jumping rope, all by himself. He also narrates himself, as the hedgehog swirls around in a suspended tire with his guitar]

Sonic (vo): So, what were you expecting? A dirty little hedgehog, eating berries and struggling to survive? Think again, because I am living my best life on Earth.

[Sonic then reads quickly through a collection of Flash comics...]

Sonic (vo): I've got a library...

[...runs through a broken washing machine, taking his own pulse…]

Sonic (vo): ...a home gym...

[...and swings a pair of nunchucks around]

Sonic: Whoa!

Sonic (vo): ...and a state-of-the-art security system.

[He knocks himself out. Sonic then starts to play table tennis by himself. In the most literal sense of the word. He knocks the ball back and forth on the makeshift ping pong table, built out of cans and a signpost. Hill Top Rd… He then accidentally knocks away the ring pouch, spilling its contents. The song abruptly stops]

Sonic: (worried) Oh, no...

[He quickly puts the rings back where they belong, before unfolding a map]

Sonic (vo): And if I'm ever discovered, I'll follow Longclaw's instructions and escape to a new planet.

[This planet is shown on the map, along with several others, modeled after SEGA and Sonic easter eggs]

Sonic (vo): A nice safe little world, filled only with mushrooms.

[He throws one of the rings to create a portal. It shows this planet in all of its… glory?]

Sonic (vo): Gross, smelly mushrooms...

Sonic: I hate mushrooms.

[He then runs to the edge of a nearby cliff, looking out over a huge number of pines, which surround the town of Green Hills]

Sonic (vo): But let's not worry about all that. This… is Green Hills.

[He speeds down the cliff and quickly runs towards and through the town, unnoticed by anyone]

Sonic (vo): The greatest place on Earth. These are my people. And dare I say, I am their lovable space creature.

[The hedgehog looks out over the streets from a nearby building]

Sonic (vo): So what if they don't know I exist?

[We're shown Tom, holding a donut in his hand. He's filling in as a traffic controller]

Sonic (vo): My favorite person is the Donut Lord. Protector of this town and defender of all creatures, big and small.

[The sheriff is letting a family of ducks cross the road]

Tom: (to the ducks) Morning. Donald, Daisy, Daffy...

[We cut to Tom's wife, Maddie, holding a laptop and walking to the porch of their house]

Sonic (vo): Donut Lord lives with Pretzel Lady. (as she is doing yoga) She is super nice to animals and, strangely, was born without bones.

[Sonic, watching from a distance, is imitating Maddie's yoga pose]

Sonic: Ouch. Ouch. Ow.

[We're shown an old man, showing a sloppily done drawing of Sonic (coincidentally in the form of the Sanic meme) to two guys in a bar, who laugh at him. This is the town's loon, Crazy Carl]

Sonic (vo): There is one person in town who's actually on to me. He calls me the Blue Devil.

[The man shows his project to Tom, who shakes his head in disbelief]

Crazy Carl: I almost caught him last night...

[We cut to that night. Carl wears an odd hat and is holding a flashlight, as well as a headlight]

Sonic (vo): Say hello to Crazy Carl.

[Sonic speeds through the several bear traps the man set out around him. They all slam shut without catching him]

Sonic (vo): We have fun together.

[As Carl runs away, one of the traps gets hold of him and hoists him up by his leg]

Crazy Carl: (dropping the flashlight) I know you're out there! And I know you're real!

Sonic (vo): (in the distance) No, I'm not!

[We cut to another night. Tom and Maddie are sitting in front of their television]

Sonic (vo): Movie night is my favorite.

[Sonic appears in the window behind them, crossing his fingers]

Sonic: Please, please, please, please...

[The movie Speed starts playing]

Sonic: Yes! Keanu, you are a national treasure.

[Editor's note: Seconded]

Jack Traven: When I find you, I'll...

Howard Payne: Pop quiz, hot shot. There's a bomb on a bus.

Sonic: "Pop quiz, hot shot." (making a kiss gesture) Mwah… A classic line.

[The couple is laughing and eating popcorn, unaware of the hedgehog behind them]

Sonic (vo): Basically, we're like family. Even though we haven't met yet.

[We cut to the office of a psychiatrist. Sonic is conversing with himself, going back and forth between playing the doctor and the patient]

Sonic: (as the doctor, heavy German accent, wearing glasses) You don't think your prolonged isolation is making you a bit crazy, perhaps? (as the patient, lying on the couch) Crazy?! Me? No way, Doc. You got me all wrong. (back as the doctor) And despite all these so-called friends of yours, (takes off the glasses, normal voice) deep down, (sad) you're still rather lonely?

[Sonic is looking back up the window of Tom's house. They're watching The Naked Gun]

Sonic (vo): Perhaps afraid… you'll be alone forever?

[The sad creature walks away. We cut to some time later, Tom's Toyota is parked by his house. Its headlights illuminate several raccoons eating out of the trash cans. He honks several times, but they don't move]

Tom: Nuh-uh. Hey! No, no, no, no. (gets out of the vehicle) Get out of there, come on. Oh, come on! Get out of there! Get out of there, you trash pandas!

[The raccoons stumble out of the cans and flee. Tom enters his home]

Tom: Maddie? As Green Hills' most respected veterinarian, what is the fastest way to exterminate a raccoon?

[Ozzy, the family dog, enters the scene. Tom crouches down and pets him]

Tom: Hi, Ozzy. Hello! You could've seen… You don't eat garbage, do you?

[Maddie, Tom's wife, also enters, holding an envelope. The sheriff sees her]

Tom: What's that? Is that what I think it is?

Maddie: Ah-hah. (holds it out) Open it.

[Tom grabs the envelope and observes it]

Tom: It's kinda small. Is that bad?

Maddie: Just... open it.

Tom: (deep breath, reading the letter) "Dear Thomas, we have your application to the San Francisco Police Department and pending interdepartmental review and background check... we're happy to inform you that you've been selected to join our team."

Maddie: (laughs) Oh, my God.

Tom: Wow! Oh, my God...

[They hug. Maddie then pulls up a cake box and opens it]

Maddie: Ta-da!

[Tom sees the cake and frowns. It reads: "Forget Those Morons, San Francisco Sucks", above the burning Tower Bridge]

Tom: (reading) San Francisco Sucks...

Maddie: Oh. Wrong one.

[She switches up the boxes, showing the true victory cake, a picture of Tom in police uniform]

Maddie: Ta-da!

Tom: (reading the text) You never had a doubt, huh?

Maddie: No.

Tom: I can't believe this.

Maddie: I know. You did it.

Tom: Hey, what are those?

Maddie: Apartments for rent I found on Zillow. I thought Ozzy and I could fly there tomorrow and check out some neighborhoods.

Tom: I mean, this is all happening so fast...

Maddie: (playfully sarcastic) Ah, man. It's the craziest thing. You apply for the job, you get the job.

Tom: Well, pending the background check.

Maddie: Oh, man. Hope they don't find out about that time you used the neighbor's WiFi...

Tom: Correction: I'm still using the neighbor's WiFi. But Maddie, are you sure you're okay with this?

Maddie: Thomas Michael Wachowski… What did you do the entire time I was in veterinary school?

Tom: I took a second job to pay the rent and a third...

Maddie: (in tandem) ...third job to pay tuition. You sacrificed for me, I'm happy to sacrifice for you. Babe, are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, there's been a Wachowski protecting this town for more than fifty years. This is a big change.

Tom: I'm positive. It's time for this guy to get out there and prove himself. I love Green Hills, but... you know, I wanna help people in real trouble. I want someone to turn to me in a life-or-death situation and I'll be there for 'em.

Maddie: I get it. I'm so proud of you.

Tom: Thank you.

[We cut to Tom, the next day. He's giving a goodbye speech]

Tom: And so, it is with a heavy heart that I tell you all that I have accepted a position at the San Francisco Police Department, effective immediately. It's gonna be tough to leave my hometown and all my friendships, but this is something I feel like... I need to do. To grow, as both an officer... and a man.

[The man then spreads his arms and smiles. He'd been giving his monologue to a donut, adorned with glasses, sitting on the hood of his car]

Tom: What do you think, Sergeant Sprinkles? That wasn't so bad, right? Now all I gotta do is... tell everyone who isn't a donut.

[In the meantime, Sonic is observing a nearby baseball match]

Sonic: Whoa, the playoffs...

[The match continues. The hedgehog speeds out of hiding and watches the match behind the visitor stand. A kid who just finished a home run, high fives his teammates. Sonic smiles as the child is lifted into the air, the man of the match. Later, we see how the players and attendees leave the field, get into their cars and leave. When the dark of night falls, the lights around the field are turned on. Sonic walks onto the grass and looks around]

Sonic: Oh... So cool...

[He sees the baseball equipment, unprotected and ready to use]

Sonic: Bottom of the ninth tie score, and exactly who you want at the plate with the game on the line, Sonic.

[He switches position. Sonic's now the pitcher]

Sonic: But staring him down from the pitcher's mount is the most fearsome southpaw in Green Hills, also Sonic.

[Back as the batter]

Sonic: Okay, focus, Sonic… If you win this game, you'll be the most beloved kid in Green Hills.

[Another swap, as one of the team players, he slams on his face, lets out some arm farts and does weird hand motions]

Sonic: Hit it to the guy in left, he's a real space case.

[As a member of the opposing team, he blows bubble gum and looks at his imaginary teammates, confused. Back as the pitch]

Sonic: Ugh, I can't with that guy.

[Now he's the catcher]

Sonic: Hey, bada-Sonic. Hey, bada-Sonic. Swing, bada-Sonic.

[The baseball is thrown and knocked away. Sonic, as the clueless player, is sniffing a nearby flower when the ball flies his direction. He gets up and tries to grab it]

Sonic: I got it, I got it, I got it... (dives, misses the ball) I don't got it.

[The batter starts to run. The ball is picked up and thrown away, nearly hitting the passing Sonic as he reaches second base]

Sonic: (as the coach) Go home, go home!

[Batter Sonic passes third base]

Sonic: (as the catcher) Come on.

[Sonic grunts, jumps forward and reaches the home space, just before the catcher pins the ball]

Sonic: (as the referee) Safe!

[The hedgehog slides a little further along, before getting back up, excited]

Sonic: Ha, yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes! I did it! Did you see that? (holding up his hand) I did it! I did it...

[He's expecting a high-five, but there's no one there. No one on the stand, no one on the bench… Sonic lowers his hand, saddened by this realization]

Sonic: I really am alone… All alone, forever.

[Sonic takes off his helmet and starts to circle to the baseball field. It's as if he's trying to shake his loneliness away. Lightning starts to surround the ring as the hedgehog speeds up. He lets out a cry of anguish, releasing the energy. The lights are destroyed and a blue shockwave flies out, causing a power outage and even destroying a nearby satellite. Sonic, now calmed down, looks around]

Sonic: (confused) I'm sure no one noticed that giant blue explosion, right?

[At the police station, the phone is furiously battered with calls. Wade looks at it, unsure of what to do. At his house, Tom looks around his living room, picking up his smartphone when the confused officer calls him]

Tom: Hey, Wade.

Wade: Hi, Tom. Wade here. (chuckles nervously) What is going on?

Tom: (pressing a nearby light switch) Oh, gosh. I think the power is out.

Wade: You don't durr! The lights are out and the whole town is freaking out. W-What should I do?

Tom: Okay, relax. Take a deep breath. Call Gil, see if they can locate the downline. Then, call Zim and see if he can get his generator over to the Super Q, so the food stays… fresh...

[He notices a blue shine coming from somewhere]

Wade (vo): Call... Zim before Gil? Call Gil... Hello?

Tom: (looking at his desk) Call you back...

Wade: Wait, wait, hello? Was that the end of the instructions?

[But his colleague hangs up]

Wade: Okay, alright… Uh, you can do this. What was the first thing he said to do? (beat) Right, relax.

[He leans back in his chair. Tom puts something on his table aside to reveal the quill he found not too long ago. He picks it up. It's emitting blue light and appears to contain some sort of energy. We then cut to the Pentagon. Several high officers are grouping around a table to discuss what happened]

Vice Chairman Walters: Twenty minutes ago, an energy surge knocked out power across the entire Pacific Northwest. What do we know?

[Editor's note: The first person to speak is played by Garry Chalk, who has lend his voice to several Sonic characters over the years]

Navy Chief: Well, our first instinct was it was an EMP. But electromagnetic pulses don't have that kind of power.

Air Force Chief: NASA has ruled out meteor strikes or solar flares.

Homeland Security Secretary: The Department of Energy says it's not a power plant malfunction.

Vice Chairman Walters: Well, sounds like we're really good at figuring out what it wasn't.

Army Chief: This could be a prelude to a larger attack. I'm suggesting we scramble the Fifth and Sixth Regiment...

Vice Chairman Walters: No, no, no, no... This needs a much more sophisticated mind. Someone who understands technology.

Army Chief: You wanna send in a lab rat?

Vice Chairman Walters: Not just any lab rat. A lab rat with teeth.

Air Force Chief: You're not suggesting who I think you're suggesting?

Vice Chairman Walters: I know, he's a little weird...

Air Force Chief: Weird?!

Army Chief: No, no.

Air Force Chief: He's a psychological tire fire!

Vice Chairman Walters: But he's also brilliant. Five PhD's, IQ off the charts and his... drone tech is-is-is-is revolutionary.

Army Chief: You're sure he can handle this?

Vice Chairman Walters: He has a Perfect Operations record. Remember the coup in Pakistan?

Army Chief: No.

Vice Chairman Walters: Or the uprising in Azerbaidjanistan?

Navy Chief: That's not even a country.

Vice Chairman Walters: Exactly. And you can thank Robotnik for that.

Air Force Chief: I can't believe you're bringing that freak into this.

Vice Chairman Walters: Neither can I. But... we have no choice.

[The next day, several lab technicians and military operatives are investigating the baseball field. Taking samples, scavenging, when suddenly a truck arrives at the scene, followed by several black cars. The leader of this team, Major Bennington, is talking with a nearby soldier...]

Female Soldier: Yes, Major...

[...and as she steps away, both she and Bennington turn around. The camera pans over the front of the truck, revealing a red camera lens at the top of it]

Major Bennington: What the...

[The side of the truck slides down and turns into a stair. And at the top of it appears the star of the show: Dr. Robotnik. His black suit and robe are just as dashing as his hair and sunglasses. His associates, led by Agent Stone, step out of their cars and join their boss, who walks down the staircase and steps to the major, taking his glasses off]

Dr. Robotnik: Are you in charge here?

Major Bennington: Yes, I a...

Dr. Robotnik: (interrupting) Nope!

Major Bennington: M...

Dr. Robotnik: Wrong!

Major Bennington: My name...

Dr. Robotnik: I'm in charge!

Major Bennington: (getting annoyed) Major...

Dr. Robotnik: Me!

Major Bennington: ...Ben...

Dr. Robotnik: (whispering) I'm in charge.

[He points at an insignia Agent Stone is holding up]

Dr. Robotnik: You've never seen anything like this before. It says I'm the top banana, in a world full of hungry little monkeys. Allow me to clarify. (turning his head, moving like a robot) Zzzt, zzzt. (talking fast) In a sequentially ranked hierarchy, based on level of critical importance, the disparity between us is too vast to quantify. (normal) Agent Stone?

[Robotnik turns around and takes a few steps away from Bennington]

Agent Stone: The Doctor thinks you're basic.

Dr. Robotnik: I'm initiating a sweep sequence.

[He presses several buttons located on his glove. An LCD display underneath it comes to light]

Dr. Robotnik: Ten miles in every direction should suffice...

[The roof of the truck opens. Several drones, who bear a high resemblance to eggs in both color and shape, hover out of their hiding places]

Dr. Robotnik: (to Agent Stone, his back turned) Is he still looking at me funny?

Agent Stone: Yes, he is.

Dr. Robotnik: (lifting his hand) Tell him to stop, or I'll pull up his search history.

Agent Stone: If you don't stop looking at the Doctor, he'll take a closer look...

Major Bennington: (glaring at Robotnik) I'm not deaf.

Dr. Robotnik: (acting bored) And tell him his men report to me now. Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah...

Major Bennington: Excuse me?! Listen, pal. I don't know if you realize who...

Dr. Robotnik: (turning around) Excuse me, Major... What was your name?

Major Bennington: Benning...

Dr. Robotnik: (interrupting him again) Nobody cares! (shaking his head, stepping closer) Nobody cares… Listen, Major Nobody Cares, you know why nobody cares who you are? Because nobody cares about your feeble accomplishments. (starts to circle him) And nobody cares how proud your Mommy is that you're now reading at a third grade level. Have you finished Charlotte's Web yet? Spoiler alert: she dies in the end. But she leaves a big creepy egg sac!

[The doctor admires his drones as they spread in the air]

Dr. Robotnik: Ah, my babies. Hoo! Look what came out of my egg sac! You know what I love about machines? (turns around again, spreads his arms) They do what they're told. They follow their program! They don't need time off to get drunk and put the boat in the water! (points at Bennington) And you do what you're told. (moves his hand) Stand over there, on the edge of your personal abyss… and watch my machines do your job.

[The frustrated soldier leaves, glaring at his opponent. Stone smiles and turns back to his boss]

Dr. Robotnik: Can you feel it, Stone?

Agent Stone: I can feel it, Doctor.

Dr. Robotnik: (inputting more commands) It's evolution, Stone... (making fists) It's evolution!

[The doctor spreads his arms and lets his creations free to scour the forest. They hover over and between the pine trees, until one of them discovers something. "Logging Anomaly". A spectrum analysis is performed on said anomaly: a footprint on a rock. Robotnik, inside his truck, decked out with several technological enhancements, presses several button to analyse the image. Stone enters the mobile lab]

Dr. Robotnik: Agent Stone?

Agent Stone: Doctor?

Dr. Robotnik: Do you use anything useful in this image?

Agent Stone: Nothing at all, Doctor.

Dr. Robotnik: Of course you don't. Your eyes weren't expertly trained to spot tracks by the Native American shadow wolves.

[Stone briefly looks at his boss with a confused expression. Robotnik then uses his computer to alter the footprint, revealing the shoe the foot was in. He rolls his chair back for Stone to see it]

Agent Stone: That's extraordinary...

Dr. Robotnik: No. What's extraordinary is... I determined the exact height, weight and spinal curvature of this creature. And my computer can't find a single match for it, anywhere, in Earth's Animal Kingdom. (stands up, points at the screen) This blackout was not a terrorist attack and that's no baby Bigfoot. (gloating, stepping to his desk) This guy… is something else… entirely. Divert all search units to the site of the footprint. That's one small step for men, one giant leap for me.

[Several military operatives search the forest, armed with guns, hounds and drones. Sonic watches them from a high place]

Sonic: Okay, okay. Everything is fine... You played some baseball, got a little upset, lightning shot out of your butt and now they're coming for you.

[He speeds back to his cave, trying to pull himself together]

Sonic: Alright, alright, Earth isn't safe anymore. Time for Plan B: Mushroomville. (speeds through the cave) I can't take my stuff. Okay, essential items only.

[He quickly drops several items in a backpack]

Sonic: Okay, toothbrush, toothpaste, hair gel, night light, funny hat, this half-eaten cantiloupe… Oh, and my scented candle… My entire comic book collection. Beanbag chair… Can a beanbag chair fit in a backpack? No, no, no, of course not. That's stupid. Okay, what else? The rings, the rings! Yes, of course. (pulls out a ring) Okay, here we go. Ring time. Mushroom planet, here I come.

[We hear the sound of barking dogs and drones, they've closed in on Sonic's hideout]

Sonic: Oh, no! They're right outside. I gotta go somewhere else...

[He briefly turns around to his home]

Sonic: Goodbye, cave...

[Sonic leaves. Back at Tom's house, Maddie is calling him. Tom, who's been drawing a route from Montana to San Francisco on a map, picks up his phone]

Tom: Hey!

Maddie: Hey...

Tom: Whatcha doin'?

Maddie: Oh, just coloring with JoJo and Rachel.

Tom: Ah, that sounds... half fun. Hey, exciting stuff here. We had a power outage. The whole town went dark. It was like a sign, telling me to get out of dodge.

Maddie: Wade must have lost his mind.

Tom: Yeah. And he does not have much to lose. How's your sister? Did she convince you to leave me yet?

Maddie: No, but she did tell me to check your phone for dating apps.

Tom: The only apps on my phone are the ones that came with it. And the Olive Garden.

Maddie: Ah. Because when you're there...

Tom: You're family.

[A trash can is tipped over outside. Tom looks out the window]

Tom: Oh, no way... The raccoons are back. (walking to the cupboard) And they are in for a surprise.

Maddie: Your surprise better not be my tranquilizer gun. They're just hungry. And also, that's for bears.

[He quickly checks to see if it's armed]

Tom: Good. Now I know it will work...

Maddie: Tom!

Tom: I'm kidding! I'm just gonna use it to scare 'em... (softer) Possibly to death. (quickly) Love you, honey. Bye!

Maddie: To...

[The sheriff wisps a finger through his cake before going outside. Maddie looks over to her sister]

Rachel: (spelling it out) D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

[Sonic has enters Tom's shed, he's standing on a table, his shoes covered in mud]

Sonic: Okay, I'm in. With minimal damage to Donut Lord's property. (picks up the ring again) Here we go... Didn't work out on Earth, but that's okay. You're going to a safe world. A nice safe world filled with mushrooms. Mushrooms that'll be your only… friends. That sounds awful! I can't do this! You have to do it, there's no other option.

[He lets out a deep breath and lifts the ring]

Sonic: Alright...

[But just then, Tom barges in, out holding the gun]

Tom: SFPD! Pending background check... Paws in the air!

[Both he and Tom freeze as they see each other. Then we get to the most iconic line of the movie]

Sonic: Uh, meow?

[They start to scream. Tom accidentally fires the gun and a tranquilizer dart into Sonic's leg]

Sonic: Ow!

[The hedgehog quickly begins to get dizzy. Through his blurred vision, he sees the text written on Tom's shirt, with an image of the Transamerican Pyramid right next to it]

Sonic: San... Francisco?

[Sonic drops the ring. A portal opens up on the floor. Tom watches in awe at the sight of it, dropping his firearm. The creature shakes for a bit and collapses onto the floor. The ring pouch he'd been holding falls through the hole and lands onto the Transamerican Building. We see that "Emergency Use Only" is written onto the bag]

Sonic: (as the portal closes and disappears) No...

Tom: What?

[We cut back to Sonic, who has been put into a dog cage. Tom pushes a spatula through the bars, trying to wake the hedgehog up. He drops it and holds up the quill he found. It's an exact match]

Tom: (lets out a breath) The Blue Devil...

[He turns around and leans against the counter. Between him, Sonic lets himself out of the cage. As Tom turns back, he steps away, stunned when the creature is back on its feet]

Sonic: Donut Lord?

Tom: You can talk. (uneasy) You're not… You're not here to abduct me, are you?

Sonic: You abducted me.

Tom: Okay, that's a fair point. What are you? Why are you hiding out in my garage?

Sonic: I-I needed somewhere safe, a-and you're the only person I could think of, Donut Lord.

Tom: Why do you keep calling me "Donut Lord"?

Sonic: 'Cause you talk to donuts. And then eat them if they get outta line.

Tom: Again, fair...

Sonic: Wait, wait, wait… Where are the mushrooms? Why am I still on Earth? Oh, did… Oh, no! I lost my rings!

Tom: What?!

[They both look up when they hear a heavy vehicle approaching. It's Robotnik's mobile lab]

Tom: What's happening? Is that your mothership? (runs to the window) Not in the mood to get probed.

Sonic: You think you're worried? I'm not even wearing pants.

(looking out the window) What the...

[The hissing truck comes to a halt. Sonic yells and quickly closes the curtains]

Sonic: They're coming for me!

Tom: Who's coming for you? What's that gotta do with me?!

Sonic: I don't have time to explain, but you have to help me.

Tom: (shaking his head) No, I don't! Why?

Sonic: Well, my legs, which normally would be classified as lethal weapons, feel like spaghetti. I need your help. Please? It's life or death.

[Tom packs himself together and lets out a determined breath]

Tom: Fine. Come with me.

[He walks away and Sonic tries to follow, only to fall face-first onto the floor]

Sonic: Uh, little help?

[Robotnik crouches down by the path leading to Tom's house. With his glove, he analyses a nearby footprint left behind by Sonic. Tom hides the creature in his attic]

Tom: All right. Stay here and be quiet.

Sonic: Good plan, great plan. We're already working so well together, practically finishing each other's sentences.

[But Tom quickly closes the hatch]

Sonic: Okay, bye.

[The sheriff steps to his open door, he sees Robotnik]

Tom: Hello there! Can I help you?

[Robotnik gets back up and walks towards Tom]

Dr. Robotnik: (lifts his hand) Good morning, my rural chum. I'm… for the power company, investigating a blackout. (walking up some stairs) If you don't mind, I'd like to take a few readings inside your house.

Tom: No kidding, you're from the power company? (when the doctor nods) Oh, you must know my buddy Spencer, we play softball together.

Dr. Robotnik: Ah, Spence… He's a good man.

Tom: Yeah, yeah. Oh, come on in.

Dr. Robotnik: Great!

[The doctor moves to the door]

Tom: Take all the readings you need. Expect, uh...

[Tom blocks the doorway, Robotnik glares at him]

Tom: The power companies usually take their readings from outside the house. That way, they can check 'em even when you're not home. Also, my buddy Spencer works for the gas company. He's more of an Ultimate Frisbee guy. So, you wanna tell me why you think I'm dumb enough to just let you walk inside my house?

[As Robotnik continues his glaring, he puts one arm behind his back and presses several buttons on his power glove. Several small drones fly out of the truck, towards the house, unnoticed by Tom]

Dr. Robotnik: I'm sorry, Mr...

Tom: Wachowski. But everyone calls me Tom. Except my dentist, he calls me Tim. But it's gone on for so long now that it would just be weird if I corrected him.

Dr. Robotnik: Well, Tom Whose Dentist Calls Him Tim, you may have noticed that this entire town has been experiencing a power outage.

Tom: Yep, no lights. Picked up on that.

[As Robotnik goes on, the drones covertly enter the building through the windows and the chimney]

Dr. Robotnik (vo): Twenty minutes ago, I tracked an energy pulse with a similar signature to the one that caused this disruption.

[They start to scan their environment. Sonic, looking scared, is hiding in the shadows of the attic]

Tom: Listen, uh, Mr...

Dr. Robotnik: Doctor. Dr. Robotnik. But my dentist calls me Rob.

Tom: Hmm. Look, uh, Dr. Robot... skiz, um… I'm sure what you're here for is very serious, but it's got nothing to do with me. You can ask anyone in town. Everyone knows me.

I bet they do. I'm sure you're hella popular with the Jeb and Merls and Billy Bobs in this glorified gas station rest stop.

[Tom's smile makes place for a frown]

Dr. Robotnik: Bet you go way back to the days of tipping cows and playing in a jugband!

[Robotnik blows raspberries and waves with his arm in an effort to imitate a musical instrument. Oh, Nineties Jim Carrey, how I've missed you so...]

Dr. Robotnik: (stepping closer) And maybe someday… you'll achieve your goal of getting a Costco card, adopting a Labradoodle. But the reality is: I surpassed everything you're ever going to do... before I was a toddler. I was spitting out formulas while you were still spitting up formula.

Tom: I was breastfed, actually.

Dr. Robotnik: Nice. Rub that in my orphan face. Mr Wachowski, are you familiar with US Code 9-0-4, Title 10, Article 1-0-4?

Tom: Yeah, I...

(interrupts) Anyone… who attempts to aid an enemy of the United States shall suffer death. (lifts his finger) And if I'm the one that catches you, it'll be even worse.

Tom: Worse than death?

Sonic: Okay, I'm a ball. Just a normal ball. I'm blending in like a ball. Shh, stop talking. No, you stop talking. Be quiet, Sonic. You be quiet, Sonic! (as the drones creep closer) Oh, I hope they aren't scanning me with X-rays. I had kind of an embarrassing lunch.

[Another drone swoops in. They start to examine the area Sonic is hiding in. As they work towards each other, Sonic tries to remain calm]

Sonic: Don't freak out. Don't freak out, don't freak out. Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out. I'm freaking out!

[Sonic pushes himself out of harm's way, rolls down the hatchet and bounces down the staircase]

Sonic: Why don't you have your staircase carpeted?

[The blue ball slams again the kitchen table]

Dr. Robotnik: And if I...

[Both Tom and Robotnik turns their heads towards the noise]

Tom: Old pipes.

Dr. Robotnik: Yeah, probably just the house settling. (turns around) Nothing to see here!

[Then he pushes Tom out of the way and steps to the kitchen. The cop follows behind him]

Tom: Hey!

[They see the thing that could have caused the noise… A raccoon, who is currently eating its way through Tom's cake]

Dr. Robotnik: (looking around) Here's the thing. (finger lifted) I'm never wrong.

Tom: (pats Robotnik's shoulder) Well, first time for everything, I guess.

[The animal quickly flees through the dog flap]

Tom: Would you like some cake? I hear raccoons have the cleanest mouths of any animal that routinely eats garbage.

[Robotnik laughs sarcastically. He turns around and is about to leave, but then he leans back. One of Sonic's quills sticks out of the table. The doctor grabs it and holds it out for Tom to see]

Dr. Robotnik: Look at that… I was right. Note the lack of surprise. Shall we try this again?

[He whistles Ride of the Valkyries, leading one of his bigger drones inside of the building. Sonic looks on, hiding underneath the table. The drone opens up, two guns are ready to fire]

Dr. Robotnik: (as he strokes the quill) I'm going to give you five seconds to tell me where it is. Five...

Tom: I don't know what you're talking about.

Dr. Robotnik: Four...

Tom: Hey, tough guy. (shows his badge) I'm a cop. And you're threatening an officer.

Dr. Robotnik: How can you threaten somebody who never existed? Three... Come on, wrack your brain! You might be able to come up with some lame excuse to go on living, in two! One!

[Sonic speeds out of his hiding place]

Sonic: Wait! Don't hurt him!

[Robotnik screams out in surprise. Tom decks him and the doctor falls onto the floor. The drone unfolds itself in the form of an X. Threat identified. The cop act quick, pulling Sonic with him and hiding behind his living room table as the machine opens fire]

Sonic: This feels excessive!

[The drone stops, it's reloading]

Tom: Stay behind me.

[He looks around, Sonic's gone. Tom looks up, Sonic has climbed up a nearby cupboard. He's ready to jump onto the robot. Tom shakes his head, but Sonic nods. Just as the drone is targeting Tom, Sonic jumps]

Sonic: Hi-yah!

[They circle for a moment, destroying Tom's house]

Sonic: Don't worry! I've got it right where I want it! Hah! Yah! Can you believe Amazon is gonna deliver packages with these things?

[Tom crawls under the table, the drone tries to shake off its attacker]

Sonic: This was a horrible plan! What was I thinking?

[The cop tries to get up]

Sonic: I'm gonna puke!

[Sonic falls onto the ground. Tom grabs a nearby ashtray and destroys the drone. He then quickly drags the dazed Sonic with him, out of his home]

Tom: Come on! We gotta get outta here!

Sonic: (over Tom's shoulder) Aw, don't tell me that's all you got? I'm just getting started! Let me know if you wanna go round two with the blue!

[The man puts Sonic into the passenger seat of his Toyota Tacoma. He steps in, starts the car and drives away, just as another car arrives. Agent Stone gets out, sees them leave. He walks into Tom's house and helps his grunting boss back on his feet]

Agent Stone: Doctor? Are you okay? I saw a guy race outta here and I thought...

Dr. Robotnik: That you should stop them? Open your mouth… and say you thought that you should stop them.

Agent Stone: No, I thought that maybe I check to see if you were okay...

[Robotnik grabs Stone by his tongue]

Agent Stone: Hey!

Dr. Robotnik: You know what's hard about being the smartest person in the world?

Agent Stone: Everyone else being stupid.

Dr. Robotnik: (in tandem) Stupid! Yes, way to go! You got that one!

[Robotnik lets go off Stone's tongue and wipes his hands clean of the associate's jacket]

Dr. Robotnik: Whatever this creature is, it's our job to secure it, neutralize it, uncover the source of its power. And if it resists… we take it apart... Piece by piece. (puts his sunglasses back on) See what makes it tick...

[Tom's hit has ruined the frame of the glasses]

Dr. Robotnik: Stone?

Agent Stone: Doctor?

Dr. Robotnik: Call Optical Illustions. Tell 'em I need new frames. (throws them away) They know what kind I like. Oh, and bring that quill.

Agent Stone: Yes, Doctor.

[Robotnik leaves and Stone grabs the quill. Meanwhile, Tom's Toyota passes the Green Hills sign, leaving the town]

Tom: Alright, pal. You need to start talking, right now. Who are you? What are you?

Sonic: (frowns) I'm a hedgehog. I feel like that's obvious. And I'm in big trouble.

Tom: Oh, you're in big trouble? You're not the one who punched some sort of government weirdo back there.

Sonic: You think you have problems?! I lost my rings!

Tom: Rings? What are you talking about?

Sonic: Okay, rings are how all advanced cultures travel between worlds, and now mine are on top of a pointy building I've only ever seen on your skintight T-shirt.

[Tom tries to say something, but he's at a loss for words]

Sonic: So, I'd like you to take me to San Francisco, so I can get back my rings and use them to get to the mushroom planet.

Tom: Mushroom planet?

Sonic: Yes!

Tom: Right...

[Tom parks his car on the side of the road. Sonic looks confused]

Tom: (opens the door) Okay, pal. Out you go.

Sonic: I'm sorry, what?

Tom: Look, this is the worst possible time for me to get myself into trouble, okay? You asked me to save your life, I saved your life. Now, please… Go find your rings… and your mushroom land. Hopefully, I'm gonna wake up in a hospital bed and the doctor's gonna tell me that my colonoscopy was a big success. Okay? So, goodbye.

​​​​​​​Sonic: Okay. Bye.

Tom: ​​​​​​​Goodbye.

Why aren't you leaving?

I don't know where San Francisco is.

It's west.


Straight shot, can't miss it.

Fine. That's cool. I'm totally cool saying goodbye now.

[The hedgehog then speeds away. Tom, convinced this is a dream, watches on, when Sonic suddenly stops just outside of Tom's open passenger door. Seaweed and a fish are draped over the hedgehog. Tom is taken by surprise]

Sonic: So, as I crashed into the cold, dark water of the Pacific, I realized a few things. A: I have no idea where I'm going. B: Saltwater stings. C: I shouldn't even be on this planet right now, but I am. Why? Because you shot me.

Tom: (nods) I know.

Sonic: You shot me!

Tom: I-I heard you the first time. You don't have to... pile it on. Good grief...

Sonic: (irritated) I'm wet, I'm cold, there's a fish on my head, and clearly I'm not gonna be able to do this on my own.

[Tom is unsure how to react. The fish slides off of Sonic's head. Finally, Tom sighs]

Tom: All right, get in the truck.

Sonic: (excited) Really? You're gonna help me?

[He shakes the seaweed off of him, which causes his fur to poof out]

Tom: I guess it is a little bit my fault that all this is happening to you.

Sonic: Not a little bit. Entirely. It is entirely your fault.

Tom: (nods) Okay, it is entirely my fault. Are you coming?

Sonic: Yes.

[He shakes his fur out once more, reverting it back to normal, before he climbs into the passenger's seat and shuts the door]

Sonic: Road trip! Woohoo!

Tom: (shaking his head) What am I doing?

[The car drives again]

Tom: All right, there's gonna be rules on this trip. Number one: do exactly as I say, all the time. Got it?

Sonic: Got it, Donut Lord.

Tom: Would you stop with the "Donut Lord"? I have a name. It's Tom.

Sonic: I'm Sonic.

Tom: Sonic. Sonic… So you've been spying on us all for years?

Sonic: I mean, I wouldn't call it spying. We're all just hanging out, only I wasn't invited and no one knew I was there.

Tom: I can't believe Crazy Carl was right all this time.

Sonic: Yeah, you call him Super Observant Carl instead. (looks outside) Oh, my God! Stop the car, right now!

Tom: What? What?! What?

Sonic: (reading of a nearby sign) "The World's Largest Rubberband Ball"?! We gotta see it!

Tom: No. No, no, this is not some fun family road trip, okay? The government wants to dissect you, and arrest me. This is serious.

[But Sonic, who has always been bad as following instructions, speeds out of the car and gets back inside in a heartbeat. He's holding several rubberband balls in his lap and is wearing a cap]

Sonic: Eh, you're right. It was lame. Gift shop was cool, though.

[He holds up a mouse pad he got]

Sonic: I got you a mouse pad. When are we gonna get there?

[The child starts to play with a paddle ball]

Tom: We will get there when we get there.

[Sonic just continues his new toy, smiling all the way. We cut to later that day. Night has fallen, Tom parks his car by a gas station, decked out with a shop and a phone booth. He opens his door, gets out and puts on a cap]

Tom: Alright. Now I gonna check in with Wade, see if he knows what's going on.

Sonic: You're gonna see Wade in that glass thing? What is it, a teleportation box?

[Editor's note: A part of me thinks that's a Doctor Who reference]

Tom: It's a payphone. It's mostly for drug dealers and fugitives from the law, which is us. Stay in the car, I don't want anybody seeing you.

Sonic: Oh... Fine.

[The cop opens the door of the payphone and gets inside. In the car, Sonic is behind the driving wheel, simulating a race and makes motor noises. These are certainly replace with real motor noises. On the other side of the road, there is a restaurant, the Piston Post. Several motorbikes park in front of it and several old-fashioned cars run their motors. Sonic is getting excited]

Sonic: Ooooh! (hiding) Okay, okay, that is the coolest place on Earth, but you have to stay in the car.

[He looks back up. Bikers greet each other via headbutts and there's an arm wrestling match. Sonic breathes frantically, before wiping the fog away with his furry arm. A monster truck arrivés]

Sonic: (going back and forth in his seat) Be strong. Be strong.

[When someone is doing tricks with his motorcycle, Sonic sees a pair of glasses hanging above him]

Sonic: Hmm...

[Tom has entered a phone number and is waiting for Wade to pick up]

Hello? Green Hills Police Department?

Wade, it's me.

Hi... I'm so glad that you called. Uh, some… some guys came in and asked me some questions. Uh, a little creepy. (chuckles nervously) Kind of reminded me of, uh, the guys from Men in Black, but not as likable or, uh, charming as Will Smith.

Wade, what kind of questions?

About terrorism. I told them that, like, I've gone ice fishing with Tom. H-He doesn't know how to make a bomb.


A destroyed robot lies on the road. A tiny drone emerges from a hole in the robot and flies after Tom's Toyota Tacoma. It catches up rather quickly and hovers outside Sonic's window. Said hedgehog takes note of the drone.

Sonic: Aww, this one is cute. Let's keep him.

However, the drone proves to be anything but cute, as it begins to saw into the car, sending sparks flying everywhere.

Sonic: Whaah!

The robot quickly saws around the car, reaching the front.

Tom: Oh, come on!

Sonic: How can something so adorable be so terrible?

As the drone reaches Toms's window, he attempts to wave away the smoke and sparks. In seconds, the robot finishes circling the cab of the car.

Sonic: You've got car insurance, right?

The roof of the car immediately flies off, and Tom and Sonic cry out as the roof lands on the road behind them. Now the drone flies over to Sonic, who grabs it.

Sonic: Buzz off.

He snaps the drone in half, only to find a tiny beeping time bomb attached to his hand.

Sonic: That doesn't sound good.

Tom: No, this ting is bad! Get rid of it!

Sonic: I'm trying!

Tom: Throw it out the win-- Throw it anywhere!!

Sonic wildly waves his hand about to shake the bomb loose.

Sonic: I can't get it off!

Tom: I'm pulling over!

He swings the car off-road onto a dirt path. Sonic dashes out of the car and desperately attempts to detach the bomb from his hand, even biting it. Now it is attached to his head.

Sonic: Did I get it?

Tom runs over with a cloth in his hand.

Tom: Nope.

Sonic cries out, now realizing the bomb is on his forehead.

Tom: Here, hold still.

He uses the cloth to pluck the bomb off of Sonic's head, then flings the bomb into the distance.

Sonic: It's going, it's going, it's going... it's still here.

It is revealed that the bomb is now attached to Tom's hand. He tries to shake it off, but Sonic grabs it, effectively getting it stuck on him again. The hedgehog attempts to use a screwdriver to pry it loose.

Sonic: Get off me!

At last, he gets the bomb to stick to the screwdriver, and lays it on a nearby rock before walking back to Tom.

Sonic: Haha! Nailed it!

The bomb explodes, and the force knocks Sonic and Tom to the ground.


[Tom examines Sonic's unconscious body for several seconds before an abrupt transition to Robotnik's Truck.]

[Robotnik watches the screen in frustration, trying to see if the blast killed Sonic.]

Doctor Stone: Did we get them?

[short pause]

Doctor Stone: Oh... no, there they are. They are REAL survivors, those two.

[Robotnik turns to face Stone in utter frustration]

Dr. Robotnik: Can we have a moment?

[Robotnik and Stone walk away from the monitor]

Dr. Robotnik: *to Stone* Pin yourself to the wall.

[Stone does so, and Robotnik gets close to Stone, almost touching noses]

Dr. Robotnik: Do you know why I won't miss you when you're gone? Human beings are unreliable and stupid, and I care very little about them! But my machines are diligent, relentless, they're EVERYTHING to me!

[short pause, then Robotnik notices *something* in Stone's interior coat pocket]

Dr. Robotnik: Hmm?

[He reaches into the pocket to discover that Stone had been holding onto the quill from Tom's house the whole time, just like Robotnik asked. He pulls it out and examines it]

Dr. Robotnik: 面白い。(Omoshiroi.) --> Japanese for "Interesting."

{Editor's note: Trust me, it took me quite a few tries with Google Translate to find the right language that fit the translation}

[Robotnik looks at it for a few more seconds, then tries tasting the quill, only for it to shock him. He then offers Agent Stone a taste of the quill, which he abruptly declines]


[The flying machine from the opening of the movie appears: the Eggmobile. The hood slides open, showing Dr. Robotnik is at the controls, wearing a more game-accurate red-and-black suit]

Dr. Robotnik: Welcome to San Francisco, Mr. Wachowski. Are you enjoying the clam chowder?

Tom: (to Maddie) It's the government wack job who's trying to kill us. (to Robotnik) Unsuccessfully! Nice of you to swing by on your way to Comic-Con.

Maddie: Yeah, what are you wearing?

Dr. Robotnik: (looks at his own outfit) It's a flight suit. Designed to modulate my body temperature and reduce drag.

Tom: Yeah. And yet, you still are one.

Dr. Robotnik: Ho ho! Good one! You are catching fire, Thomas. Oh, and speaking of heat, I see you've taken a lover.

[Maddie glares at the doctor]

Dr. Robotnik: Does she have a name, or should we just call her "Collateral Damage"?

[The dangerous doctor laughs and slams against the rims of his ship]

Tom: Hey, watch your mouth. Unless you want a little more of what I gave you earlier… (to his wife) I punched him in the face.

Sonic: (ecstatic) Oh, he punched him right in the face. It was awesome!

Dr. Robotnik: The time for talking is over! (through gritted teeth) It's time to push buttons.

Sonic: (confident) Your flying eggs are pretty impressive, Mr. Eggman. But let's face it, you'll never catch me.

Robotnik: (nodding) Confidence... A fool's substitute for intelligence.

[He opens the hatch of a button, which supercharges the quill he has obtained. "Prepping Quill Energy" appears on a readout. All of the drones surrounding the heroes simultaneously open their flaps to attack mode]

Sonic: (looking around) That's not good.

Tom: Uh... Sonic? Now you've got the super speed and everything, but Maddie and I...

Sonic: Totally defenseless? Probably gonna get blown up?

Tom: Yeah.

Maddie: Pretty much, yeah.

Sonic: Don't worry. I know exactly what to do.

[He suddenly bolts toward the wall behind them, then toward them, pushing Tom and Maddie off the roof. Both of them scream as they're falling down the building. Robotnik looks down at them in surprise, then sits back. He can't believe Sonic did that]

Dr. Robotnik: I was not expecting that. (shrugging) But I was expecting not to expect something, so it doesn't count.

[All of the drones open fire at Sonic, but they slow down and stop, just as they're about to hit the hedgehog. We've re-entered Sonic's realm of speed. We quickly see Maddie and Tom falling and Robotnik reaching out to put the red button, while Sonic does his well known idle animation. He waves some of the rockets out of the way, grabs two of them and drums down the bullets flying towards him. As Sonic dismantles the drones, Robotnik's finger inches closer and closer to the button. When we're presses it, the Eggmobile is charged up and flies straight upwards. Just as Sonic pushes two of the drones around so that they will fire at each other...]

Sonic: (doing finger gun gestures) Pew. Pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew, pew...

[...the machine flies back down and pulls out a laser. Sonic's eyes widen in horror as it is fired. He tries to get out of the way, but the beam blasts him out of his bullet time. When he regains consciousness, he sees Tom and Maddie, coming closer and closer to the concrete below. Sonic, surrounded by his scattered rings, screams and tries to grab one of them, which is just out of his reach]

Sonic: Come on! (air swimming) Come! Come, come, come! (reaching) Come on, come on, come on!

[The hedgehog then, in a moment of quick thinking, pulls out one of his quills. He fishes the ring out of the air and finds his footing. While running down the Pyramid, he throws the ring, teleporting the two falling people back to Green Hills, flying sideways into an open barn. Sonic skids, falls down a tree and lands on the sidewalk. Rings and broken drones fall down around him. The owner of the farm then sees Tom, lying in a haystack with his wife]

Farmer: Oh... Hi, Tom. Glad you're here, could use some help. Old Bessie is about to give birth.

Tom: (breathing heavily) Give me a minute...

[Sonic shakes his head to get his bearings. Robotnik's machine has lowered to the same level]

Dr. Robotnik: Can I offer you one genius piece of advice? Don't run. It will only hurt more if you do. And it's bad for your joints, they proved it.

Sonic: (determined) All right, Eggman. You wanna get fast? Let's get fast!

[He quickly scrambles around to collect his rings and runs away. Robotnik puts his goggles on]

Dr. Robotnik: The hard way, it is.

[His Eggmobile charges after the target. Running through the streets of San Francisco, Robotnik fires his laser constantly, but they miss due to Sonic's agility and ability to do Super Smash Bros. poses. Eventually, we reach the scene that started the movie]

Dr. Robotnik: (grunts) That was an illegal left, by the way!

[Then the footage freezes once more]

Sonic (vo): So, here we are again. We've been through so much together. Now you understand why there's a psychotic robot doctor chasing a supersonic blue hedgehog. Wanna know how it ends? Yeah, me too.

[The chase continues. The hedgehog slides under a tourist bus with a Paris ad plastered over it. Robotnik blows through it. Sonic, still at the lead, fishes a ring out of the pouch he's currently wearing as a fanny pack]

Sonic: How is this possible? No one's ever caught up to me before...

[We cut to Paris. A mother and daughter are looking at a mime, because of course they do. The child seems particularly uninterested, until the mime makes a circle with his arms, revealing the ring portal Sonic just made]

Sonic: Coming through!

[The hedgehog speeds through the ring, passing the three occupants]

Mime: Sacré-bleu!

[Robotnik follows afterwards]

Dr. Robotnik: Excusez-moi, messieur.

[He chuckles. Another portal opens on the Great Wall in China. Both Sonic and Robotnik fly through it]

Sonic: Here we go. Room to open it up!

[The Eggmobile swirls around, but Robotnik is still able to keep up, even though the blue hedgehog jumps around and runs along the walls of the passage. Sonic quickly throws out a third ring, leading them to Egypt]

Sonic: I can't loose him.

[Lasers cause the sand to fly up. As Robotnik destroys a nearby sphinx, Sonic has an idea]

Sonic: If you can't beat 'em, blind 'em.

[He swirls around the plain of sand, circling Robotnik's machine. A sandstorm flies up, blinding Robotnik]

Dr. Robotnik: Lost... visual contact!

[But then he sees Sonic, running up the edge of the Gizeh Pyramid]

Dr. Robotnik: You're not allowed up there! It's one of the Seven Wonders!

[He speeds out of the tornado. Just as Sonic throws out another ring, Robotnik activates his laser again, blowing Sonic through the portal. In Green Hills, where it has become night, the other end opens and Sonic falls through it, landing on the asphalt, ruffled and defeated. His ring pouch slides along the road, out of the creature's reach. Then Robotnik arrives, towering over Sonic. Tom, Maddie and the farmer appear on the scene]

Dr. Robotnik: (laughing, lifting his goggles) You're an astonishing little creature.

[Sonic's eyes briefly open. Tom discovers and grabs the ring pouch]

Dr. Robotnik: It'll be fun to take you back to the lab for a litany of invasive exploratory procedures. Any last words?

Sonic: (lightly lifting his head) Guac… I like that word...

[Sonic slumps back down. A portal is opened up behind the doctor, revealing Tom, who jumps onto the back of the machine]

Dr. Robotnik: (unaware of Tom) I can't begin to tell you how many scientific breakthroughs have been made possible through animal testing. You're being very selfish.

Tom: Going my way?

Dr. Robotnik: What the...

[The cop punches his adversary in the face, knocking the goggles of his head. They have a brief scuffle]

Dr. Robotnik: Who the hell do you think you are?!

[Tom dishes out another hit and pulls the doctor down to the dashboard]

Tom: I'm the Donut Lord, you son of a...

[But Robotnik fights back. He knocks out Tom and tilts his vehicle, causing the sheriff to fall of it]

Dr. Robotnik: Auto pilot, adjust.

[Maddie rushes to her husband, who groans as he gets back up]

Dr. Robotnik: Why? Why would you throw your life away for this… thing? That's why I don't friends. Next thing you know, you're somebody's best man, they wanna have the wedding out of town, like nobody has anything better to do. Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes... You were about to die.

[A shot is fired at Robotnik's ship. We cut to Wade, holding out his gun]

Wade: That's our sheriff you're messing with.

[He's joined by Crazy Carl, holding a chainsaw]

Crazy Carl: And our Blue Devil. (lifting the active saw) Who, as everyone can see, is a very real creature, and not at all invented by me!

Wade: (uncomfortable) Just...

[Wade lightly pushes the chainsaw away with the end of his gun, startling Carl for a bit. Maddie looks over to Sonic]

Maddie: Tom?

[Tom follows his wife's gaze. Sonic lies still on the asphalt, he appears to be dead. Tom seems sad, defeated, until Robotnik breaks through the silence]

Dr. Robotnik: I don't mean to be indelicate here, but... someone should probably get some ice to keep the body fresh. (as Tom looks down) He's just a silly little alien. He didn't belong here!

[The sheriff stands up, turning to the doctor]

Tom: That little alien... knew more about being human... then you ever will. His name was Sonic. This was his home. And he was my friend.

[BAM! Sonic's eyes fly open, his irisses have turned blue. Tom, Maddie and Robotnik look at him, the latter shielding his eyes. The hedgehog is standing back up. Lightning flies everywhere, but he seems to be able to control it now, he's charging up. As he opens his eyes again, Tom and Maddie both smile, before looking over to Robotnik]

Tom: (to Sonic) He's all yours.

[They get out of the way]

Tom: Everyone, get back!

[All of Green Hills' residents step away from the scene, safely out of Robotnik's line of fire]

Sonic: I think you have something that belongs to me.

[The hedgehog makes a fist, lightning flies over to the Eggmobile. Robotnik struggles a bit, until the glass around the quill inside the machine breaks, disabling it]

Sonic: This is my power, and I'm not using it to run away anymore. I'm using it to protect... my... friends!

[Robotnik puts his goggles back on, Sonic's visage is reflected in them. Several rockets appear along the rims of the ship and laser pointers crawl over the asphalt, towards their target. Sonic gets down on his hands and knees, both of them are ready. After a moment, the doctor makes his move. The rockets fly away to Sonic, who evades them and launches himself against the Eggmobile. He reaches the accompanying wall, bounces of it and attacks again. He goes on and on, ricocheting around the ship in a haze of blue. Eventually, he slides back to his starting position. The Eggmobile is severly damaged]

Dr. Robotnik: Oh... Now you've done it!

Sonic: Guess what, Eggman?! I'm not leaving Earth! You are! (to Tom) Donut Lord?

[The man nods and sprints around the battlefield. Tom fishes another ring out of the pouch and throws it, opening a new portal. Both Sonic and Robotnik speed towards each other. Sonic, in his ball form, hurls himself against the nose of the ship, completely wrecking it. The impulse causes the doctor and his device to fly through the ring, to the mushroom planet. Robotnik screams as the portal closes. Sonic's powers gradually dim down and the lightning disappears. The crowd cheers. Tom and Maddie run back to their friend]

Tom: Told you, you got this...

Sonic: Hey, we got this.

[Tom holds up his hand. Sonic, overjoyed, circles around, jumps up and gives his friend a high-five]


[The movie's logo appears, just like at the opening. Afterwards, we're shown a mid-credits scene. On the mushroom planet, we see how Robotnik shaves his head bald with a piece of shrapnel. His face is reflected in a puddle of water]

Dr. Robotnik: My grasp on sanity remains absolute.

[He looks to his right and we see that he is a different man. His mustache has become longer, more curly and orange and his nose red (possibly due to a bruising or something). A standard Eggman look]

Dr. Robotnik: Isn't that right, Agent Stone?

[He's talking to Stone, all right. A literal stone, with Stone's face carved into it, reminiscent of Wilson in Cast Away. Robotnik picks up the rock. As we zoom out, we see that he has gained some weight]

Dr. Robotnik: Why don't you get a headstart?

[He throws the rock away]

Dr. Robotnik: Do some rock-connaissance! (laughs, looking around, raspy voice) Rock-connaissance! Come on, that's hilarious! (punches a nearby mushroom) What's the matter with you?!

[He grabs his LCD armstrap of the ground]

Dr. Robotnik: Here's the sitch… Uninhabited planet.

[He picks up the remains of his Eggmobile, strapped together with a healthy number of mushrooms on top]

Dr. Robotnik: No resources, no supplies. (hoists the load on his back) No apparent way home. (chuckles) A lesser man would die here.

[Robotnik lifts the tube containing Sonic's quill, still containing energy]

Dr. Robotnik: I'll be home by Christmas...

[He puts his glasses on, does his robot act...]

Dr. Robotnik: Zzt, zzt, zzt, zzt...

[...and paces forward as the camera pulls out, showing the sheer scope of the planet: mushrooms on mushrooms on mushrooms… Robotnik picks Stone back up and throws it further along the path, groaning]

Dr. Robotnik: Rock-connaissance! (crazy laughter) Come on, cheer up!

[The credits start to roll. The song Speed Me Up underscores an 16-bit montage of the events throughout the movie, containing several nods to the classic Sonic games. As Sonic whoops Robotnik, an explosion covers the screen, before we're shown another mid-credits scene. We pan over the litany of pine trees surrounding Green Hills. Then, several leaves are starting to levitate on a nearby cliff. A ring portal opens and something jumps through it, a yellow fox with two tails, wearing red and white shoes. It's Miles Prower, nicknamed Tails, looking at something on a device he's holding]

Tails: If these readings are accurate, he's here. (smiles) I found him. (determined) I just hope I'm not too late...

[He jumps off the cliff, before flying upwards with his whirling tails. He speeds to Green Hills, ending the movie and returning us to the credits]

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