Something Smells
This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Something Smells" from season 2, which aired on October 26, 2000.


SpongeBob: [foghorn sounds. SpongeBob turns it off and launches himself at his big calendar. He hits the 20th day] Wow! It’s Sunday, Gary! Guess what’s for breakfast?

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: That’s right! [puts a bowl on the kitchen counter] A sundae! [runs to the freezer and finds it empty] Whoops, looks like we’re out of ice cream. Guess I’ll have to use something else. Ketchup! [squeezes a bunch of ketchup into the bowl. Then runs over to the storage bin] Hmmm, bananas, cherries, boring. [closes storage door] Ahh, here we go, onions! [runs up to the counter with two sacks that say "onions" on them] Ready, Gary?

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: [Gary plays a violin while SpongeBob cries while peeling the onions into the bowl] Just one more thing! Pea... [opens up another storage door but finds an empty jar] ...nuts. Gary! Our peanuts jar is totally empty! [Gary burps] Hmmm... [snaps fingers] Wait! I know one other place we can find peanuts. [looks in the bathroom and finds a peanut plant in front of the window] Good thing I still have these peanut plants growing in the windowsill. [throws the plant into the sundae bowl] A little texture never hurt. There we go. [gets out a spoon] This sundae’s gonna taste great! Aren’t you going to help me, Gary? Gary? Oh well, more for me! [takes a few spoonfuls. Scene cuts to SpongeBob coming out of the kitchen with a bunch of sundae smoke coming out with him. He drops his spoon while Gary hides behind a coral plant] You know what they say, Gary. I’m easy like Sunday morning. ['morning' comes out of SpongeBob's mouth and wraps itself around Gary's eyes, twisting them]

SpongeBob: Ok, let’s see my to-do list. (takes out a big long list) Go to work, go to work, go to work, go to work, go to work...wait, that’s not right. I need the one for Sunday. [takes out a small piece of paper] Ah, here we go. 'Say hi to everyone in Bikini Bottom'. [runs off. Scene cuts to SpongeBob running up to a citizen] Hello. [citizen runs off in disgust of his bad breath. SpongeBob waves] Some people are even late on Sunday. [SpongeBob notices a mailman] Hi mailfish! [mailfish breaks its skin into a smaller fish and then into another smaller fish. SpongeBob notices a crossing guard] Hi, Mrs. Crossing Guard! [crossing guard gets a whiff of his bad breath]

Mrs. Crossing Guard: Mother of mercy! [kids walk across the street and then the sound of a crashing car sounds but its revealed to actually be a parade]

Spongebob: Wow! A parade! Hi, parade! [the band stops] Hi, tuba player! Hi, drummer! Hi, guy with the cymbals! [the stench begins to form into a giant ball in front of Sponge] Hi, trumpeter! Hi, tambourine girl! Hi, timbale man! Hi, didgeridoo player! [we see him, clearly standing out from the others in uniform, wearing a sunhat and African-patterned clothing. He plays his instrument. The stench ball meanwhile, continues to grow] Hi, triangle player! Hi, guy with the kettle drum! Hi, pianist! Hi, guy with the flute! And heeelllooo, Dolly! [the stench ball rolls down the street, knocking the band out like a bunch of bowling pins and scattering them about. They all run out wailing in pain and disgust. The whole town is soon deserted] Was it something I said? [he walks down the street] Something weird is going on today. Everyone is running away from me. And now… [he notices a giant pink wad on a bench] …giant piles of bubble gum?! Oh, what next? [Patrick’s head pops out from it]

Patrick: Hi, Spongebob. [his appendages form from the wad]

Spongebob: Oh, hi, Patrick. I’m confused.

Patrick: Yes, I am.

Spongebob: Patrick, everyone is running away from me. Watch. [he walks over to a building] Hi, building! [the stench bounces off the building, and it slowly moves away.]

[Spongebob walks back to Patrick]

Spongebob: I just don’t get it. [the stench goes toward Patrick, but bounces off him, as he has no nose]

Patrick: I don’t either. Maybe it’s the way you’re dressed. [pan up slowly at Spongebob’s clothes, looking fan-say]

Sponge & Pat: Nah.

Patrick: Maybe it’s your voice. [Spongebob laughs obnoxiously as he always does for an extended time, then stops]

Spongebob: Good one, Patrick.

Patrick: Well, maybe it’s just because you’re ugly.

Spongebob: Ugly? [he puts a finger in his mouth, wipes his forehead with it, then strikes a pose. A spotlight goes off] You gotta be kiddin’ me.

Patrick: Better try the reflection test. [he pulls out a large mirror]

Spongebob: [to his reflection] Hi. [the stench hits his reflection, and the reflection takes a hammer and breaks the mirror. Pat peeks through it]

Patrick: Ugly.

Spongebob: Oh noooooo!! I can’t be ugly! I can’t be! I can’t be ugly! [he runs up to a couple] Am I ugly! [the two catch a whiff on the stench. The husband pulls down a hook, the two bites down on it and the hook is reeled in. SpongeBob runs off and latches onto a car’s windshield] Am I ugly? [the stench goes around the glass and hits the guy]

Driver: My eyes!! My eyes!! [the car swerves, spins around, throwing Spongebob off, then explodes. All that’s left is the charred frame, but a policeman gives it a ticket anyway. A tire bounces by and lands on Sponge, who is on the ground]

Spongebob: I’m ugly… [cut to night at Spongebob’s house. Lightning strikes repeatedly as Pat walks in]

Patrick: Spongebob, can I borrow some bath beads? [he walks through the dark house. He opens the library door. It’s pitch dark, except for a light from the fire. Spongebob plays the organ mournfully. Patrick walks up to him, and he stops playing] Spongebob? [the lights go on, and Spongebob turns. He’s wearing a Groucho Marx-esque nose and glasses, and a dark cape. He turns his back to Patrick]

Spongebob: Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am. [he hits down on the organ]

Patrick: Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look! Maybe a story will cheer you up. [he picks Spongebob up, without glasses or cape, up and puts him in his comfy chair] It’s called, ‘The Ugly Barnacle.’ [Spongebob listens attentively] Once there was a ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died! The end. [Patrick grins, oblivious to his story's bad message]

Spongebob: That didn’t help at all. [he starts sobbing] How long? How long have I been ugly, Patrick?

Patrick: As long as I can remember. You poor ugly thing, you. [SpongeBob clings on Patrick] Spongebob: Help me! I’m so ashamed! I’m spiraling! I’m spiraling! [Patrick smacks Spongebob in the face, twisting his head around] Thanks Patrick. [Patrick holds his hand up again, and Sponge stops him, stammering] It’s OK, Patrick. Spiraling, over.

Patrick: Just do what I do when I have problems. [screaming] SCREEEAAAAM!!! [Spongebob is covered with spit from Patrick. Patrick grabs Spongebob and runs off] Come on, I’ll help you. [cut to Spongebob and Patrick on the roof] OK now, say it. [Sponge hesitates] Say it.

Spongebob: I can’t.

Patrick: Spongebob, you’re never going to feel better unless you get this thing off your chest. [we see Spongebob has a long lavender sucker being on his chest] I know, Patrick. [he pulls it off and throws it aside]

Patrick: Say it. Say it.

Spongebob: I’m ugly.

Patrick: You’re ugly and what…?

Spongebob: Square?

Patrick: No. Proud.

Spongebob: I’m ugly and I’m proud.

Patrick: Good! Say it louder.

Spongebob: [louder] I’m ugly and I’m proud.

Patrick: Louder.

Spongebob: [louder] I’m ugly and I’m proud.

Patrick: Louder!

Spongebob: [louder] I’m ugly and I’m proud! [pan over to Squidward’s roof, where he’s tanning] I’m ugly and I’m proud!! I’m ugly and I’m proud!!

Squidward: Is that what he calls it? [Spongebob is breathing heavily]

SpongeBob: That felt great! I feel empowered! [Briefly becomes barrel-chested in his new confidence]

Patrick: So whaddya wanna do now?

SpongeBob: I don’t know. How about a movie? [cut to ‘The Reef’ movie theater. SpongeBob and Patrick walk into a crowded theater. The two go down the front row] Pardon me. Ugly Sponge coming through. [two fish smell SpongeBob’s breath, their pupils turn to ‘X’s, and they float upward]

Patrick: People respect self esteem. [he and SpongeBob sit down the two now empty seats. Spongebob leans over to the lady next to him]

SpongeBob: Hi. I am very ugly. But you should enjoy the movie anyway. [the stench burns the woman’s eyes, complexion, and hair off, and her head is now all charred. Sponge leans over Pat to the man beside Pat, who is a blue version of Fred] Excuse me, sir. I hope my horrible ugliness won’t be a distraction to you.

Blue Fred: Not at all, boy. (he smells SpongeBob's bad breath) DUAEAEAUEAEA!!!!

Patrick: [to SpongeBob] Don’t worry about him, SpongeBob. He’s just a- [he notices his friend crying] SpongeBob? SpongeBob, what’s wrong?

SpongeBob: I can’t do this, Patrick! I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, [he turns around, revealing an extremely deflated face] but I’m not always as confident as I look. Maybe I’d better just go back and hide. [Patrick goes from sad to angry]

Patrick: [loudly] What is wrong with you people?! [he stands up] Afraid to look ugliness in the face? [he picks up SpongeBob] Well, here!! Look at it! [the stench pours into the audience] It’s ugly, isn’t it?! [he points SpongeBob at five people] Here! You look at it!

Spongebob: Hello. [the people run off. Patrick points Spongebob at a larger group of people]

Patrick: Look at it!!

Spongebob: Hi. [the people run off]

Patrick: Look at it!! [the entire room empties out] Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!!! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!!!! [Everybody screams in terror and they all run out of the theater in a panic]

[Patrick and SpongeBob are all alone in the theater]

SpongeBob: They all ran away, Patrick.

Patrick: I bet there’s no line at the snack bar. [cut to the snack bar. Patrick leans over the counter] Hello...? Hello...? They must be on break. [Patrick looks bummed out]

SpongeBob: Oh, wait, Patrick! I just remembered. [he reaches in his pocket and pulls out some of his sundae] I’ve got some of my peanut-onion sundae we can share! [the fume of it floats past Patrick, burning off his eyebrows]

Patrick: That looks great! [closes his mouth on SpongeBob’s hand, and sucks out the sundae. Patrick sighs with relief, but he starts to feel funny] Oh, I gotta go to the restroom! [he runs off. Cut to the restroom, where Patrick and a fish in a green cap wash their hands at the sink] I’m out of soap, can I borrow- [the stench reaches the guy]

Green Cap Fish: Stay back!

Patrick: I just want some- [the fish takes out some money]

Green Cap Fish: Here! Here’s my money! [he drops it] Take it! Take it and go away! [he runs off]

Patrick: My hands aren’t THAT dirty… [he walks over to a line of three fish waiting at a stall] Hey, you guys want to hear a bathroom joke? [his breath reaches them, and they make disgusted noises]

Indignant Fish: You tryin’ to kill us?! [they walk out murmuring. Patrick looks in the mirror]

Patrick: Oh… Oh! I caught the ugly!! [SpongeBob walks in]

Spongebob: Patrick, is everything OK in here? [he hears Patrick sobbing. He opens a stall door and sees Patrick sitting with a bag over his head] What are you doing in there, Patrick?

Patrick: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Spongebob: And why is that bag on your head?

Patrick: Why? Oh, no reason. Except you gave me the ugly! [he whips the bag off. SpongeBob recoils and gasps. Patrick walks out] What am I gonna do? I can’t go out looking like this!

Spongebob: Just remember what we talked about. There’s power in pride.

Patrick: That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! [his breath reaches Sponge and he holds his nose in disgust] I’m almost as ugly as you! I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don’t know what I’d do.

SpongeBob: Patrick...?

Patrick: What’s my mom gonna say?

SpongeBob: Patrick??

Patrick: Oh my gosh, if my sister finds out, wait, I don’t have a sister, if the bank, I mean it’s one thing if you have bad shoes, or even bad hair, but… [SpongeBob grows, towering over Patrick]

SpongeBob: PATRICK!!!!! [he goes back to normal] You’re not ugly. Your breath stinks. Really bad. [Patrick sighs with relief, his stench in the shape of a skull and crossbones]

Patrick: Ahhhhhhhh, What a relief....

SpongeBob: (his eyes water from the foul smell) OHHH, 'BARNACLES', Patrick! What did you eat?!

Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza…

SpongeBob: No, I mean just this morning.

Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza…

SpongeBob: What else?

Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae.

SpongeBob: Sundae… [he whips what’s remaining of it out] Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath!

Patrick: Whatcha mean? [SpongeBob coughs as Patrick’s breath flies by him]

SpongeBob: I mean, we’re not ugly, we just stink!

Patrick: Stink? [the two cheer and run around in circles chanting.]

Both: We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink!

[The fumes encompass the entire theatre and it dissolves to the ground. SpongeBob and Patrick run out and run up to Squidward, who is looking through the window of a wig shop]

SpongeBob: Oh, guess what, Squidward?

SpongeBob & Patrick: We stink!! [the two hug Squidward, and then run off, still cheering] We're smelly! I reek!

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