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SmootheJazzatBikiniBottomtitlecard

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom" from season eight, which aired on September 30, 2011.

Transcript

  • [at the Krusty Krab]
  • Squidward: [humming to the radio. Opens the door for a customer who is leaving] Oh, thank you for eating at The Krusty Krab. [SpongeBob is trying to balance stacks of trays with food on them] Can I give you a hand with that, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Sure. Thanks, Squidward! Gee, looks like playing Kelpy G's music here in the restaurant has really energized him.
  • SpongeBob: Wow. Kelpy's music is really, um, unique.
  • Squidward: Kelpy's not for everyone.
  • D.J.: That was Kelpy G. Taking you on a trip that is out of this ocean. Hope you fellow Kelpheads got your tickets early 'cause his concert tonight at High Tide Stadium is, sorry, sold out.
  • SpongeBob: Oh! Kelpy G is performing tonight, Squidward. But tickets are… [in announcer's voice] sorry, sold out.
  • Squidward: Oh, how could this be? Whatever shall I do?
  • SpongeBob: You forgot to buy a ticket?
  • Squidward: Oh no, I have a ticket. I just don't know what I'll do without you there. [snaps] Oh wait, I just realized... I'll be having the greatest time of my life!
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, may I at least gaze upon your ticket?
  • Squidward: Oh yeah. I show you the ticket, and then through some manner of folly, you destroy it! [Patrick swallows ticket]
  • SpongeBob: You're probably not gonna get that back before show time.
  • D.J.: This goes out to all those sad sacks without a ticket to tonight’s concert. We're giving away the last two tickets to one lucky caller.
  • Squidward: Oh, the dream is still alive! [Squidward rushes over to the phone and dials]
  • D.J.: Hey, you are lucky loser number one. Please, try again. Hey, you are lucky loser number five. Please, try again. Hey, you are lucky loser number nine. Please, try again. Twenty-two. Try again. Twenty-seven. Sixty-five.
  • Squidward: Oh, come on! Nothing but a scam.
  • D.J.: Hello! You're winning caller number 102.
  • SpongeBob: I am? [Squidward falls over sideways]
  • D.J.: Not only have you won two front row seats, but you and a friend will go backstage to meet Kelpy G himself.
  • SpongeBob: Me and a friend. Hmm, I wonder who that will be.
  • [cut to later that night]
  • SpongeBob: Can you believe it? We're gonna meet your hero, Kelpy G! [shows backstage pass]
  • Squidward: Ah, so nice to be surrounded by such kindred spirits.
  • Female Fan #1: You can say that again. It's a rare treat to mingle with true diehard smooth jazzists.
  • SpongeBob: You said it, lady. I've been a diehard since 10:00 this morning. Who's ready for a Kelpy G concert tonight?!
  • Male Fan #1: Was it you who brought the raucous miscreant?
  • Squidward: Me? No. Of course not. No.
  • Squidward: See all you fellow Kelpheads at the show.
  • Female Fan #1: Just keep your friends outbursts under control.
  • SpongeBob: Isn't this so much fun, Squidward? Wow, I love your Kelpy G wig, sir.
  • Male Fan #2: What wig?
  • Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. SpongeBob's obnoxiousness is ostracizing me from all these other fans. Somehow I gotta give him to slip.
  • SpongeBob: Whoa, just look at that lemonade line.
  • Squidward: That's it. Hang on, SpongeBob. I need a rest. My throat is parched. I sure wish I knew where one could procure some lemonade.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah.
  • Squidward: I said, I wonder where someone could get some lemonade.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah.
  • Squidward: It's right behind you SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Oh! Why don't I get one for you?
  • Squidward: Oh, no. Dear me. Oh, no. I could not have you wait in that long line, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: It's no problem, Squidward, really, I—
  • Squidward: Well, okay, if you insist.
  • SpongeBob: Alright. One lemonade, coming up.
  • Squidward: [chuckles] See you after the show, Spongee-G.
  • Squidward: [a few Squids are snapping at some jazz music] Ah, "Turquoise Scallop Sun Dance." I just love this tune.
  • Male Fan #3: Hey hey, a fellow mellow jazz-dazzler. What's happening?
  • Squidward: Just grooving to the soothing waves of the Gentle G.
  • Male Fan #3: I'm picking up what you're laying down. You can groove with us any time.
  • Squidward: Don't mind if I do groove.
  • SpongeBob: [laughing] Look what I found!
  • Squidward: What the…? What?
  • SpongeBob: Guess what? There's a second lemonade stand! [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, nice tune. [gets out ukulele] Nothing like a little accompaniment meant to bring out the genius of Kelpy's kazoo playing, huh, guys?
  • Male Fan #3: Kazoo? Your friend knows absolutely nothing of Kelpy G, man!
  • SpongeBob: Are you friends with Squidward?
  • Male Fan #3: Friends? I should think not. We only associate with true jazz-dazzlers.
  • Squidward: But I dazzle. Oh.
  • [cut to later at concert. Squidward and SpongeBob sit in front row]
  • SpongeBob: Whoo! Kelpy, yeah! Put your hands together, people.
  • Squidward: Oh, boy.
  • Female Fan #2: Hey, Sponge! Would you just sit down and shut your mouth?
  • Male Fan #4: Well, thank you for speaking up. [indistinct chatter from everyone else]
  • Announcer: Hello, all you snazzy jazzlers. Please put your thumbs and forefingers together and give a warm welcome to the pied piper of jazz himself— Kelpy G. [he comes out and plays some jazz on his clarinet]
  • Male Fan #5: Bravo! Bravo! It's so exciting!
  • SpongeBob: Wow!
  • Squidward: Such immaculate music. It's the very voice of Neptune himself.
  • Patrick: [pokes Squidward's head] Excuse me, sir, do you have any ketchup?
  • Squidward: No I don't — ketchup?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, what brought you here?
  • Patrick: Two words, SpongeBob— "na" "chos."
  • Squidward: Two words, Patrick— "get lost."
  • Patrick: [points to Squidward's backstage pass] What's that?
  • Squidward: Oh, no, you don't, Patrick. You stay away from my backstage pa— huh? [Patrick is swallowing the backstage pass. Squidward deflates]
  • SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward, you're the biggest Kelpy G fan I know. Please, take my backstage pa— [Patrick takes it and swallows it. He burps and his stomach growls]
  • Patrick: Tummy want more. [walks off]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, boy.
  • Squidward: [gets extremely angry] I'm going to get those passes back even if I have to rip Patrick in half. [rips his head in half] What the...?
  • Patrick: [goes up on stage and takes the microphone] I would like two extra cheesy nachos with a side of cheese and two vanilla coral shakes. [crowd booing] Actually, make that two cheese coral shakes. And instead of whipped cream on top, I'll take cream cheese on the bottom. That's it for now. [two stage security fish get on either side of Patrick]
  • Security Fish #1: Get 'im! [they both jump into each other as Patrick jumps off the stage and crowd surfs]
  • Male Fan #6: You're so light.
  • Squidward: Hey, come back here with those backstage passes.
  • Crew Member: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where do you think you're going?
  • Squidward: But our friend just took our—
  • Crew Member: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care about the whosits or the whatsits. Clear the aisle and go back to your seat. [they do so]
  • Squidward: Oh, well, at least we still have our seats. [a giant squid is sitting in both seats. Squidward gets angry]
  • Big Squid: You got a problem, tentacle head?
  • Squidward: Yeah, I got a problem. Those are my seats, you numbskull. I'm gonna rant for a while. You're just gonna sit there, aren't ya? [Kelpy G stops his jazz] You're not gonna move along. We waited long and hard for this— [security grabs Squidward and toss both him and SpongeBob out of the concert. Squidward sobs] Tonight's ruined. A complete disaster. And I didn't even meet Kelpy G.
  • Patrick: Keep it jazzy, Miles. And thanks for the grub. [Squidward and SpongeBob run inside the backstage door]
  • Squidward: We're in, SpongeBob. Now I'll finally get to meet the incomparable Kelpy G. [runs into the manager]
  • Milo J. Fingerfish: Hey, this is a private area. Only people with backstage passes can come back here.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, well, you see, sir, we had backstage passes. But my friend ate them with his nachos, then he dove off the stage and got carried away by the audience.
  • Milo J. Fingerfish: What are you talking about? I'm Kelpy G's manager. Now read my lips. [Squidward literally does so]
  • Squidward: "No backstage passes, no entry."
  • Milo J. Fingerfish: And no seeing Kelpy G, got it?
  • Squidward: Oh, please, please, let me see him. Please. Please. Please!
  • Milo J Fingerfish: Get up, man. Have some dignity.
  • Squidward: But, but, but… what if I told you, uh… I'm a clarinet player myself. [manager groans] I call this one, "Ninth Movement, A Kaleidoscope of Stars." Wait. Hold for it. [inhales and plays off-key]
  • SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! [gets out his ukulele and plays. Squidward plays his clarinet in SpongeBob's face. The manager groans again. Back at the stage, Kelpy G gets finished]
  • Crew Member: Right this way, Mr. G.
  • Kelpy G: Another show, another intermission.
  • Crew Member: Your dressing room is right over here, sir.
  • Kelpy G: Hold on a smooth second.
  • Crew Member: Who let those two back here? That sounds horrible. I'll get 'im right out.
  • Kelpy G: No, no. I agree. The clarinet sound abysmal, but that ukulele. Genius. And his clogs. They're just like mine, see? Excuse me, young man.
  • Squidward: Hello, Kelpy. It's great to finally meet— [Kelpy pushes him away]
  • Kelpy G: And what might you be called?
  • SpongeBob: SpongeBob SquarePants.
  • Kelpy G: Come, young protege, let us woo the crowd with sounds of heavenly delight. [crowd is softly chanting "Kelpy"] At this time, I'd like to welcome a very special guest to the stage — Mr. SpongeBob SmoothPants. [SpongeBob and Kelpy play their instruments at the same time and the crowd loves it]
  • Squidward: This isn't fair. I should be on stage, not SpongeBob. I'm the mega-talent. I'll show you, Kelpy. [security takes Squidward away] But I'm a musician!
    SmootheJazzatBikiniBottomtitlecard
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