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DreamWorks' Shrek the Third - iTunes Movie Poster
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Written by Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner
Final Screening Script

TranscriptEdit

INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT
[A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.]

Prince Charming: Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming.

         Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a
         wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a
         bellow to blow air into Prince Charming’s face. Another
         stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background.
         In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound
         effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back
         stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and
         lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front
         of a cheaply painted backdrop.
                        
         The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the
         audience.
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          This is worse than Love Letters! I
          hate dinner theatre.
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          Me too.
                        
         Pinocchio’s nose grows as he is caught in the lie.
                        
         Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Whoa there, Chauncey!
                        
         He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He
         strikes a dramatic pose.
                        
         A Princess leans from a tower window.
                        
                         ACTRESS
          Hark! The brave Prince Charming
          approach-ith.
                        
         Prince Charming puffs his chest out.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2.
                        
                        
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay
          the monster that guards you and
          take my place as rightful King.
                        
         An old couple at a table look confused.
                        
                         OLD LADY
          (to old man)
          What did she say?
                        
         Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores
         him.
                        
         A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage.
                        
                         OGRE
          Grrrrrrr!
                        
         The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures
         cheer.
                        
                         FAIRYTALE CREATURES
                         (CHEERING)
          Woooo hoooo!!!
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          Yea! Shrek!
                        
         At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the
         Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the
         monster.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Prepare foul beast to enter into a
          world of pain with which you are
          not familiar!
                        
         He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.
                        
                         WAITER
                         (SINGING)
          Happy Birthday to thee.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Do you mind?
                        
         Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on
         stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          Do you mind? Bo-ring!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3.
                        
                        
                        
         The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then
         tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again.
         The tower facade starts to topple.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (CLEARS THROAT)
          Prepare foul beast-
                        
         Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade
         falling. He cringes.
                        
         The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is
         unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses’ window. The
         crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes
         his mangled sword at the audience.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          (shaking his sword again)
          Someday you’ll be sorry.
                        
                         HECKLER
          (O.S.)
          We already are!
                        
         They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword,
         picks up his hobby horse and exits.
                        
                         OGRE
          Grrrrrrr!
                        
         The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.
                        
                        
         INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads
         to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it.
         He opens it.
                        
                        
         EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-
         shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.
                        
         Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far
         Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince
         Charming breaks down and cries.
                        
         He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped
         to the vanity. "Don’t stop believing! Mommy’s Little Angel"
         is written on the picture.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4.
                        
                        
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (HEAVY SOBS)
          Oh mommy.
                        
         He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A
         determined change grows across his face.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Oh, you’re right. I can’t let this
          happen. I can’t.
                        
         Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His
         expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He
         holds his chin up high.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          I am the rightful King of Far Far
          Away and I promise you this mother.
          I will restore dignity to my
          throne!
                        
         A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face.
         He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense
         and narrow.
                        
          PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
          And this time, no one will stand in
          my way!
                        
         In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a
         crowd.
                        
         Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE - MORNING
                        
         The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun
         rises and the birds sing.
                        
                        
         INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans
         over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.
                        
                         SHREK
          Good morning.
                        
                         FIONA
          Good morning.
                         (DREAMY)
          Oh… morning breath…
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5.
                        
                        
                        
         Shrek breathes in and smiles.
                        
                         SHREK
                         (DREAMY)
          I know. Isn’t it wonderful?
                        
         The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush
         in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek
         cowers beneath the bedclothes.
                        
                         DONKEY
                         (SINGING)
          "Good morning! Good morning!"
                        
         Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys
         exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.
                        
         Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin’ in the Rain
         as he enters the room.
                        
                         DONKEY
                         (SINGING)
          "The sun is shining through! Good
          morning! Good morning.
          (coming closer and closer
                         TO SHREK)
          "To you!"
                         (TO SHREK)
          "And you!"
                         (TO DRONKEY)
          And you!
                        
         The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in
         their path.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Oh, they grow up so fast.
                        
         Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a
         little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.
                        
                         SHREK
          Not fast enough.
                        
         Puss leaps onto the bed.
                        
                         PUSS
          Okay. You have a very full day
          filling in for the King and Queen.
          There are several functions that
          require your attendance, sir.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          Great! Let’s get started.
                        
         Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and
         starts to snore.
                        
                         DONKEY
          C’mon, lazy bones, time to get
          movin’!
                        
         Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is
         surprised to see Shrek’s bare legs.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Aaahhh! You know you really need
          to get yourself a pair of jammies.
                        
         Shrek sighs.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY
                        
         The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song
         "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the
         title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed.
                        
         A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek
         walks down the aisle of the church.
                        
         Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.
                        
         Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn’t have any idea
         what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who
         indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek
         starts to knight the knight.
                        
                         SHREK
          I knight thee…
                        
         Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.
                        
                         SHREK
          He-he. Ooh.
                        
         The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.
                        
                        
                         CUT TO:
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY
                        
         Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal
         Navy.
                        
         Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the
         boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws
         the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the
         side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.
                        
         Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their
         heads as they leave.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
                        
         Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around
         Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of
         them.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Well, since you’re filling in for
          one, you might as well look like a
          real King. Can somebody come in
          here and work on Shrek please?
                        
         Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.
                        
                         RAUL
                         (AHEM)
          I will see what I can do.
                        
         He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.
                        
         Suddenly Shrek’s arms and legs are strapped into a chair.
                        
         A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip
         cord as if he’s holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He
         turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind
         away at Shrek’s gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.
                        
         We see a close-up of Shrek’s eye. A mascara brush comes into
         frame and pulls at Shrek’s eyelash.
                        
         Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.
                        
                         FIONA
          Ow!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8.
                        
                        
                        
         Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to
         reveal that the lips are Shrek’s.
                        
         A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek’s back. It keeps
         snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and
         tighten up the zipper all the way.
                        
         A small sock is placed onto Shrek’s foot. With a shoe horn,
         Shrek’s foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!
                        
         A collar is placed around Fiona’s neck and her corset is
         tightened.
                        
         A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek’s
         belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.
                        
                        
         INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
                        
         REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous
         Renaissance outfits.
                        
         Donkey gasps.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Oh!
                        
         Puss rolls his eyes.
                        
                         PUSS
          Yeah, wow.
                        
         Fiona is uncomfortable.
                        
                         FIONA
          Uh, is this really necessary?
                        
                         RAUL
                         (TO SHREK)
          Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
                        
                         SHREK
          I’m Shrek, you twit.
                        
                         RAUL
          Whatever.
                        
                         PUSS
          Okay peoples! This isn’t a
          rehearsal. Let’s see some hustle.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Smiles everyone, smiles!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9.
                        
                        
                        
         Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples
         arriving at the party.
                        
         Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.
                        
                         SHREK
          I don’t know how much longer I can
          keep this up Fiona.
                        
                         FIONA
          I’m sorry Shrek, but can you please
          just try to grin and bear it? It’s
          just until Dad gets better.
                        
         Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.
                        
                         FIONA
          Shrek?
                        
                         SHREK
          Yeah.
                        
                         FIONA
          You look handsome.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ah. Come here, you.
                        
         She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles
         back.
                        
         Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but
         their bulky outfits prevent it.
                        
         Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, my butt is itching up a storm
          and I can’t reach it in this monkey
          suit!
                        
         Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh.
                         (WHISTLE)
          Hey you. Come here!
                        
         A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.
                        
                         SHREK
          What’s your name?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10.
                        
                        
                        
                         FIDDLESWORTH
          Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
                        
                         SHREK
          Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.
                        
                        
         INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.
                        
          MASTER OF CEREMONIES
          Ladies and gentlemen, Princess
          Fiona and Sir Shrek!
                        
         The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.
         Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek’s butt.
                        
                         SHREK
          You’ve done it. Oh, a little over
          to the left, yeah. That’s great.
                        
                         FIONA
          Uh Shrek?
                        
         Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek’s itch. The crowd
         looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ahh! All right, you got it…Oh
          yeah, you’re on it. Oh that’s it!
          Oh that’s good!
                        
                         FIONA
          Shrek…
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You
          got it. You’re on it. That’s
          great!
                        
                         FIONA
          SHREK!
                        
         Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both
         freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.
                        
         Suddenly Shrek’s belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the
         eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Ow!! My eye! My eye!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11.
                        
                        
                        
         As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.
                        
                         WOMAN
          What are you doing?
                        
         The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a
         guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the
         axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The
         axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona
         maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the
         vase which causes Fiona to fall over.
                        
         Shrek’s tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding
         Shrek’s pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his
         pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.
                        
                         SHREK
          Fiona!
                        
         He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the
         stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying
         through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,
         trapping him.
                        
                         FIDDLESWORTH
          Uhhh…
                         (WIMPER)
                        
         Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.
                        
                         SHREK
          Are you okay?
                        
                         FIONA
          Yeah. I’m fine.
                        
         Fiona’s eyes suddenly widen.
                        
         Fiddlesworth’s jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter
         carrying flaming skewers.
                        
                         FIDDLESWORTH
          Ahhhh!
                        
         The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame
         with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and
         land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of
         the skewers out and takes a bite.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Oh! Shrimp! My favorite.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12.
                        
                        
                        
         The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden
         ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.
                        
         The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables
         slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.
                        
         CRASH! BANG!
                        
          CUT TO BLACK:
                        
                        
         INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                        
         The door to Fiona’s room flies open.
                        
                         SHREK
          That’s it! We’re leaving!
                        
         Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.
                        
                         FIONA
          Honey, please calm down…
                        
         Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.
                        
                         SHREK
          Calm down? Who do you think we’re
          kidding? I am an ogre! I’m not cut
          out for this, Fiona and I never
          will be.
                        
         Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings
         his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to
         Donkey.
                        
                         DONKEY
          I think that went pretty well.
                        
         Shrek startles.
                        
                         SHREK
          Donkey!
                        
         Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Aww, come on now Shrek!
                        
         Shrek slams the door shut.
                        
         Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on
         his pillow.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13.
                        
                        
                        
                         PUSS
          Some people just don’t understand
          boundaries.
                        
         Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him
         outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the
         ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the
         blinds.
                        
         Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries
         to calm him down.
                        
                         FIONA
          Just think… a couple more days,
          and we’ll be back home in our
          vermin-filled shack, strewn with
          fungus, filled with the rotting
          stench of mud and neglect.
                        
         This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath
         and exhales. He smiles.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled."
                        
                         FIONA
          And, uh… maybe even the pitter-
          patter of little feet on the
          floor…?
                        
                         SHREK
                         (LAUGHS)
          That’s right. The swamp rats will
          be spawning.
                        
                         FIONA
          Uh, no… you know, what I was
          thinking of is a little bit bigger
          than a swamp rat.
                        
                         SHREK
          Donkey?
                        
                         FIONA
          No, Shrek. Um… what if -
                         THEORETICALLY -
                        
                         SHREK
          Yeah?
                        
                         FIONA
          They were little ogre feet?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh.
                         (NERVOUS LAUGH)
                        
         Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.
                        
         He slowly emerges from behind the bed.
                        
                         SHREK
          Honey? Let’s try and be rational
          about this. Have you seen a baby
          lately? They just eat and poop and
          they cry and then they cry when
          they poop and they poop when they
          cry…Now, imagine an ogre baby.
          They extra cry and they extra poop.
                        
                         FIONA
          Shrek.
                        
         She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.
                        
                         FIONA
          Don’t you ever think about having a
          family?
                        
         Shrek takes her hand.
                        
                         SHREK
          Right now, you’re my family.
                        
         There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,
         revealing a Royal Page.
                        
         Shrek springs up.
                        
                         SHREK
          Well, somebody better be dying.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. KING’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King’s
         bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          I’m dying.
                        
         The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit.
         Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen
         comes to the King’s aid and he settles down.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15.
                        
                        
                        
                         QUEEN
          Harold.
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          Don’t forget to pay the gardener,
          Lillian.
                        
         The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.
                        
                         QUEEN
          Of course darling.
                        
         The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          Fiona…
                        
                         FIONA
          Yes Daddy?
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          I know I’ve made many mistakes with
          you.
                        
                         FIONA
          It’s okay.
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          But your love for Shrek has taught
          me so much.
                        
         Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          My dear boy, I am proud to call you
          my son.
                        
                         SHREK
          And I’m proud to call you my
          Frog… King Dad in-law.
                        
         Shrek smiles.
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          Now, there is a matter of business
          to attend tooo…
                        
         The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops.
         They think he’s dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.
                        
                         PUSS
          The Frog King is dead.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16.
                        
                        
                        
         Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.
                        
                         DONKEY
                         (TO PUSS)
          Put your hat back on, fool.
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          Shrek, please come hither.
                        
         Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.
                        
                         SHREK
          Yeah, Dad?
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          This Kingdom needs a new king. You
          and Fiona are next in line for the
          throne.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ooo. Next in line. Now you see
          Dad, that’s why people love you.
          Even on your deathbed you’re still
          making jokes.
                        
         The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in
         closer.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, come on Dad…an Ogre as King?
          I don’t think that’s such a good
          idea. There’s got to be somebody
          else. Anybody?
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          Aside from you there is only one
          remaining heir.
                        
         Shrek brightens.
                        
                         SHREK
          Really!? Who is he, Dad?
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          His name is… is… is…
                        
                         SHREK
          What’s his name? What’s his name?
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          …is …
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17.
                        
                        
                        
         Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in
         anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.
                        
                         FIONA
          Daddy!
                        
         The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies
         away.
                        
         Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame.
         A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.
                        
                         KING HAROLD
          (chewing the fly)
          His name is Arthur.
                        
                         SHREK
          Arthur?
                        
                         KING HAROLD
                         (COUGH)
          I know you’ll do what’s…
                         (EXHALING)
          riiiight…
                        
         He succumbs. The King really is dead now.
                        
                         QUEEN
          Harold!?
                        
                         SHREK
          Dad? Dad? Dad?
                        
         Donkey bows his head.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Do your thing, man.
                        
         Puss takes his hat off.
                        
         Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King’s
         request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.
                        
         We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey
         to let the King’s passing sink in.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up
         the shops on Rodeo Drive.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the
         flag is lowered to half-masked.
                        
                        
         EXT. POND - LATER
                        
         Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,
         and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered
         for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde
         Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out
         into the water.
                        
         An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily
         pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing
         "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the
         Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.
                        
         Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.
                        
         The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.
         Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen
         sadly gazes at the pond.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on
         horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his
         hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and
         rides off.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT
                        
         Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the
         top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns
         and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans
         over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a
         microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing
         "I’ve Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson.
                        
         The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two
         pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master
         takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch
         of empty beer mugs.
                        
         Prince Charming enters the bar.
                        
         A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval
         mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and
         the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.
                        
         Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera
         adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the
         Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes
         notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding
         Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves
         glare in Prince Charming’s direction. Prince Charming walks
         by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)
         playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and
         the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman’s neck.
         Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the
         bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,
         and sits.
                        
         Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He
         clears his throat.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          What does a Prince have to do to
          get a drink around here?
                        
         Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster
         with a smiling beer wench.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly
          stepsister I’ll never know.
                        
         He winks at her. She glares at him.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Where’s Doris, taking the night
          off?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20.
                        
                        
                        
                         MABEL
          She’s not welcome here and neither
          are you.
                        
         She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.
                        
                         MABEL (CONT’D)
          What do you want, Charming?
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Oh not much, just a chance at
          redemption…
                         (LAUGHS)
          And a Fuzzy Navel.
                        
         Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          And Fuzzy Navels for all my
          friends!
                        
         Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The
         singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool
         cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          We’re not your friends.
                        
         Prince Charming grows nervous.
                        
         The Villains all approach Prince Charming.
                        
         From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his
         shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Ahh!
                        
         Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming’s neck.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          You don’t belong here.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          You’re right; oh, I mean you’re
          absolutely right, but I mean, do
          any of us?
                        
                         CYCLOPS
          Do a number on his face!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21.
                        
                        
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are
          more alike than you think.
                        
         Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves
          saved Snow White and then what
          happened?
                        
                         EVIL QUEEN
          Oh, what’s it to you?
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          They left you the un-fairest of
          them all. And now here you are,
          hustling pool to get your next
          meal. How does that feel?
                        
                         EVIL QUEEN
          Pretty unfair.
                        
         Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          And you? Your star puppet abandons
          the show to go and find his father.
                        
                         PUPPET MASTER
          I hate that little wooden puppet.
                        
         Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          And Hook…
                        
         Prince Charming looks down at the hook.
                        
          PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
          … Need I say more?
                        
         Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          And you! Frumpypigskin.
                        
                         RUMPLESTILTSKIN
          Rumplestiltskin.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Where’s that first-born you were
          promised, hey?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22.
                        
                        
                        
         Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm.
                        
         Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Mabel, remember how you couldn’t
          get your little fat foot into that
          tiny glass slipper?
                        
         Mabel sighs.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Cinderella is in Far Far Away right
          now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting
          with every little last Fairy-tale
          Creature that has ever done you
          wrong.
                        
         Prince Charming now has everyone’s attention.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Once upon a time, someone decided
          that we were the losers. But there
          are two sides to every story. And
          our side has not been told.
                        
         The crowd listens, rapt.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          So who will join me? Who wants to
          come out on top for once? Who
          wants their happily ever after?!
                        
         The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar
         room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He
         ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles
         nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. DOCKS - DUSK
                        
         The camera booms down from the lighthouse.
                        
                         BLIND MOUSE #1
          This way gents.
                        
         The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps
         to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have
         gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they
         set off to retrieve Arthur.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23.
                        
                        
                        
         On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans
         over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.
                        
                         PUSS
          It’s out of my hands senorita, the
          winds of fate have blown on my
          destiny. But I will never forget
          you. You are the love of my life.
                        
         Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.
                        
                         PUSS (CONT’D)
          As are you…
                        
         Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching
         Puss.
                        
                         PUSS (CONT’D)
          And you.
                        
         Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage
         in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs
         away from them and into another.
                        
                         PUSS (CONT’D)
          And, uh… hi. I don’t know you,
          but I’d like to. I gotta go.
                        
         Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to
         Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets
         out a soft wail.
                        
                         DONKEY
          I know, I know… I don’t want to
          leave you either baby, but you know
          how Shrek is. The dude’s lost
          without me.
                        
         She gives him an understanding smile.
                        
                         DONKEY
          But don’t worry. I’ll send you
          airmail kisses everyday!
                        
         He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his
         children, holding back tears.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Alright, be strong babies! Be
          strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you
          listen to Mama, alright? And
          Bananas, no more roastin’
          marshmallows on your sister’s head.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24.
                        
                        
                        
         Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Ah, that’s my special boy. Oh,
          come over here, all of you. Give
          your Daddy a big hug!
                        
         The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy.
                        
         The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey
         and the others.
                        
         Fiona nervously takes in a breath.
                        
                         FIONA
          Shrek, maybe you should just stay
          and be King.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, c’mon, there’s no way I could
          ever run a kingdom. That’s why your
          cousin Arthur’s the perfect choice.
                        
                         FIONA
          It’s not that. No. It’s, you
          see…
                        
                         SHREK (CONT’D)
          And if he gives me any trouble,
          I’ve always got persuasion and
          reason.
          (holds up his right fist)
          Here’s persuasion,
          (holds up his left fist)
          and here’s reason.
                        
         Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.
                        
                         SHREK
          Fiona, soon it’s just gonna be you
          and me and our swamp.
                        
                         FIONA
                         (HESITANT)
          It’s not going to be just you and
          me.
                        
         The ship’s fog horn sounds.
                        
                         SHIP CAPTAIN
          All aboard!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          It will be. I promise. I love
          you.
                        
         He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.
                        
         He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II
                        
         The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You
         Daddy" with smoke in the sky.
                        
                         FAIRYTALE CREATURES
          Awwwwwwwww!
                        
                         PIG #1
          That’s lovely.
                        
         Donkey waves to his kids, sobs.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Bye bye babies!
                        
         Fiona runs after the boat.
                        
                         FIONA
          Shrek!
                        
         Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.
                        
                         SHREK
          Yeah?
                        
                         FIONA
          Wait!
                        
                         SHREK
          What is it?
                        
         She smiles and takes a deep breath.
                        
                         FIONA
          I’m, I’m-
                        
         The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek
         smiles back at her.
                        
                         SHREK
                         (LAUGHS)
          I love you too honey!
                        
                         FIONA
          No… No, I said I’m pr-
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26.
                        
                        
                        
         The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn
         and throws it overboard.
                        
                         SHREK
          You’re what?!
                        
                         FIONA
          I said I’m pregnant!
                        
         The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.
                        
                         SHREK
          (doesn’t want to believe
                         HIS EARS)
          Uh… what was that?
                        
                         FIONA
          You’re going to be a father!
                        
                         SHREK
                         (NERVOUS LAUGH)
          That’s great.
                        
                         FIONA
          Really? I’m glad you think so! I
          love you.
                        
         Shrek smiles back at Fiona.
                        
                         SHREK
          Yeah…
                         (NERVOUS LAUGH)
          Me too… you…
                        
         Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder.
                        
         Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.
                        
                         DONKEY
          I’m gonna be an Uncle. I’m gonna
          be an Uncle! I’m gonna be an
          Uncle!
                        
                         PUSS
          Oh, and you my friend are royally--
                        
         The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the
         fog.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT
                        
         The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep
         as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.
                        
         Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ahhh. Home.
                        
         He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right
         outside of Shrek’s swamp house.
                        
         He leaps off the boat.
                        
                         SHREK
          Woohoo!
                        
                        
         EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ahh.
                        
         He skips and dances happily toward his house.
                        
          FIONA (O.S.)
          Shrek!?
                        
                         SHREK
          Ooo.
                         (LAUGHS)
                        
                        
         INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,
         presenting himself.
                        
                         SHREK
          Fiona!
                        
         After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that
         Fiona is not there.
                        
                         SHREK
          Fiona?
                        
         He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed
         behind him.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28.
                        
                        
         A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns
         slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket.
         Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling
         innocently at him.
                        
                         SHREK
          Huh? Oh no.
                        
         The baby burps.
                        
                         SHREK
                         (AMUSED)
          Better out than in, I always say.
          Ha ha!
                        
                         OGRE BABY
          Hiccup!
                        
         This time the baby’s burp turns into projectile vomit aimed
         directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the
         vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but
         eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek.
         The baby looks like it’s about to cry. Shrek raises his
         hands.
                        
                         SHREK
          No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha.
          It’s okay. It’s gonna be alright.
                        
         Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds
         it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes
         that his house is filled with babies.
                        
                         OGRE BABY
          Da-Da!
                        
         Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off
         his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies
         onto Shrek’s head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls,
         and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the
         tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him.
         Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One
         of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs
         over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a
         baby out of the cauldron.
                        
                         SHREK
          Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya?
          No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No.
                        
         Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf.
         Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs
         through the room picking up babies.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         INT. SHREK’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides
         open the curtain to his bedroom.
                        
                         SHREK
          Huh?
                        
         He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The
         baby shrugs.
                        
                         OGRE BABY
          Bubabatoo?
                        
         Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around.
         Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace.
         First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow.
         Hundreds of them start piling in.
                        
         Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he
         runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He
         keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.
                        
                        
         INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it
         shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet.
         He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his
         high school.
                        
         Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The
         audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera
         pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS
                        
         Shrek’s eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose
         himself.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake-
          up!
                        
         Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre
         faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in,
         Donkey’s eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          (with ogre baby head)
          Da-da!
                        
         A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and
         Puss wake up.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ahhhh!
                        
         He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh… I can’t believe I’m going to
          be a father.
                        
         Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to
         the ship’s railing.
                        
                         SHREK
          How did this happen?
                        
                         PUSS
          Allow me to explain. You see, when
          a man has certain feelings for a
          woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
          him…
                        
                         SHREK
          I know how it happened. I just
          can’t believe it.
                        
         Shrek walks away.
                        
         Donkey leans over to Puss.
                        
                         DONKEY
          How does it happen?
                        
         Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
         Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
         distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.
                        
                         DONKEY
                         (SINGING)
          And the cat’s in the cradle and the
          silver spoon,
                         (MORE)
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31.
                         DONKEY (CONT’D)
          Little boy blue and the man in the
          moon.
                        
         Shrek rolls his eyes.
                        
                         DONKEY (CONT’D)
          "When you coming home, son?" "I
          don’t know when,
          But we’ll get together then, Dad-"
                        
         Shrek cuts Donkey off.
                        
                         SHREK
          Donkey, can you just cut to the
          part where you’re supposed to make
          me feel better?
                        
         Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing
         and whispers into Shrek’s other ear.
                        
                         PUSS
          You know I love Fiona, Boss.
          Right?
                         (CONFIDENTIALLY)
          But what I’m talking about here is
          you, me, my cousin’s boat, an ice-
          cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
          weeks of nothing but fishing.
                        
         Puss makes a "let’s go fishing" gesture by casting an
         imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
         whisper in Shrek’s other ear.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Man, don’t you listen to him.
          Having a baby is not going to ruin
          your life.
                        
                         SHREK
          It’s not my life I’m worried about
          ruining. It’s the kid’s.
                        
         Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.
                        
                         SHREK
          I mean…when have you ever heard
          the phrase "as sweet as an…ogre"
          or "as nurturing as…an ogre" Or
          how `bout…"you’re gonna’ love my
          dad…he’s a real ogre."
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said
          it was going to be easy. But at
          least you got us to help you out.
                        
                         SHREK
          That’s true.
                        
         He thinks for a moment.
                        
                         SHREK
          I’m doomed.
                        
                         DONKEY
          You’ll be fine.
                        
                         SHIP CAPTAIN
          You’re finished.
                        
         Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.
                        
                         SHIP CAPTAIN
          Uh, with your journey.
                        
         He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a
         nearby bluff.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY
                        
         Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
                        
         Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
          sounds fancy.
                        
                         SHREK
          It’s Worcestershire.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Like the sauce!? Mmmm… It’s
          spicy!
                        
         The drawbridge to the castle lowers.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Oohh! They must be expecting us.
                        
         They start over the drawbridge.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33.
                        
                        
                        
         A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump
         out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
         on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.
                        
                         DONKEY
          What in the shista-shire kind of
          place is this?
                        
         Shrek suddenly looks concerned.
                        
                         SHREK
          Well, my stomach aches and my palms
          just got sweaty. Must be a high
          school.
                        
                         DONKEY
          High school?!
                        
                        
         EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A group of cheerleaders practice.
                        
                         CHEERLEADERS
          Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou
          headed, to the top? Yeah we think
          so, we think so! And dost thou
          thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
          we thinks not! We thinks not!
                        
         Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as
         he walks through the courtyard.
                        
                         FEMALE STUDENT #1
          Ahhhhh!
                        
         The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
         a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
         A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution -
         Student Driver."
                        
          DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
          All right Mr. Percival, just ease
          up on the reigns-
                        
         The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.
                        
         Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage.
                        
                         VAN STUDENT
          (cough, cough)
          For lo bro, don’t burn all my
          frankincense and myrrh.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          I’m already starting to feel
          nauseous from memories of wedgies
          and swirlies!
                        
                         PUSS
          But how did you receive the wedgies
          when you are clearly not the wearer
          of the underpants?
                        
                         DONKEY
          Let’s just say some things are
          better left unsaid and leave it at
          that.
                        
         He notices two female students discussing their love lives.
                        
                         GUINEVERRE
          So then I was all like "I’d rather
          get the black plague and lock
          myself in an iron maiden than go
          out with you."
                        
                         TIFFANY
          Eh, totally.
                        
         Shrek approaches them.
                        
                         SHREK
          Pardon me…
                        
         They flee in terror.
                        
                         GUINEVERRE
          Eh! Totally ew-th!
                        
                         TIFFANY
          Yeah, totally!
                        
         A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board
         game.
                        
                         GARY
          Yes! I just altered my character
          level to plus three superbability.
                        
                         SHREK
          Hi, we’re looking for someone named-
                        
                         GARY
          Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork"
          spell and summoned the beast and
          his quadrupeds.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35.
                        
                        
                        
                         XAVIER
          Ha! Ha!
                         (SNORT)
          Ah!
                        
         The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.
                        
                         SHREK
          I know you’re busy "not fitting in"
          but can either of you tell me where
          I can find Arthur?
                        
         While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points
         towards the athletic field.
                        
                         GARY
          He’s over there.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.
         He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.
                        
         Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the
         charge. It’s an exciting back and forth.
                        
         Hooves pound on sand.
                        
         The Knight’s eyes steady.
                        
         The horse rears majestically.
                        
         The opponent’s eyes widen in fear.
                        
         The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
         lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.
                        
         Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his
         helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
         his victory.
                        
                         KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
          Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste
          on thy tongue than victory!
                        
                         JOCKS
          Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
                        
         Shrek turns to Puss.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
          Does Arthur look like a King or
          what?
                        
         Shrek steps forward.
                        
                         TEENAGER (ARTIE)
          Ow.
                        
         Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
         LANCELOT’s opponent. Shrek steps back.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh. Sorry.
                        
         The kid doesn’t budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
         where he hit the ground.
                        
                         TEENAGER (ARTIE)
          Did you just say you were looking
          for Arthur?
                        
         Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.
                        
                         PUSS
          That information is on a need to
          know basis.
                        
                         DONKEY
          It’s top secret, hushity hush.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA
                        
         The Knight commands his troops.
                        
                         KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
          Now gentlemen let’s away… to the
          showers!
                        
                         JOCKS
          Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo!
                        
         Shrek approaches the Knight.
                        
         The Knight’s horse rears up and he falls off. The horse
         gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK (CONT’D)
          Greetings your majesty. This is
          your lucky day.
                        
                         KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
          So what for like are you supposed
          to be? Some kind of giant mutant
          leprechaun or something?
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
          leprechaun… You made a funny.
                        
         Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,
         ogre-style.
                        
                         KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
          Unhand me, monster!
                        
                         SHREK
          Stop squirming, Arthur.
                        
                         KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
          I’m not Arthur!
                        
         Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot
         tries to regain his dignity.
                        
                         LANCELOT
          I am Lancelot.
                        
         Lancelot points across the school yard.
                        
                         LANCELOT
          That dork over there is Arthur!
                        
         He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the
         school yard.
                        
                         SHREK
          Hey!
                        
         Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.
                        
         Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.
                        
                         LANCELOT
          Aaah.
                        
         Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
         up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38.
                        
                        
                        
                         GUINEVERRE
          Ahem! This is like totally
          embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
          thinkest thou vex her so soothly…
                        
         The other girls giggle.
                        
                         GUINEVERRE
          And she thought perchance thou
          would wanna ask her to the
          Homecoming Dance or something…
                        
                         SHREK
          Uh, excuse me?
                        
                         GUINEVERRE
          It’s like whatever. She’s just
          totally into college guys and
          mythical creatures and stuff.
                        
         She pops her gum.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. HALLWAY - LATER
                        
         Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh Arthur! Come out, come out
          wherever you are…
                        
         Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and
         Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
         stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Yeah, you better run, you little
          punk no good-niks, `cause the days
          of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers"
          are over!
                        
         An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey’s butt.
                        
         Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a
         HALL MONITOR who stops them.
                        
                         HALL MONITOR
                        
          Hold it…
                        
         Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39.
                        
                        
                        
                         COSTUME STUDENT 1
          We’re here for the Mascot Contest.
                        
                         COSTUME STUDENT 2
          Grrrrr!
                        
         The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.
                        
                         SHREK
          (pleased with himself)
          We’re here for the Mascot Contest
          too.
                        
         The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching
         and pulling Shrek’s skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.
                        
                         HALL MONITOR
                         (SUSPICIOUS)
          This is a costume?
                        
                         SHREK
                         (RECOVERING)
          Aaaiyyyy… worked on it all night
          long!
                        
         The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
         struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
         suspicious.
                        
                         HALL MONITOR
          Looks pretty real to me.
                        
                         PUSS
          If it were real could I do this?
                        
         Puss’s claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
         Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek’s butt.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Or this?
                        
         Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
         Shrek winces and sweats.
                        
                         SHREK
                         (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
          He’s right! If it were real that
          would have been agonizingly
          painful!
                        
                         DONKEY
          Now watch this….
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
                         (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
                         GRITTED TEETH)
          That’s quite enough boys.
                        
                        
         INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire
         student body. He speaks through a megaphone.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
          Thank you to Professor Primbottom
          for his invigorating lecture on how
          to just say "nay".
                        
         Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed
         up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
          And now, without further ado, let’s
          give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
          to the winner of our "New Mascot"
          contest… the--
                        
         Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.
                        
          PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT’D)
          --ogre?
                        
         The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.
                        
                         SHREK
          That’s right. I’m the new mascot.
          So let’s really try and beat the
          other guys… at whatever it is
          they’re doing.
                        
         The band plays Smashmouth’s "Rock Star."
                        
                         PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
          This is indeed all a bit
          unorthodox.
                        
         Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley’s
         megaphone.
                        
                         SHREK
          Now, where can I find Arthur
          Pendragon?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41.
                        
                        
                        
         The students all point… to the basketball hoop, where Artie
         hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
         and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.
                        
         In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.
                        
                         LANCELOT
          Classic.
                        
         Donkey turns to Lancelot.
                        
                         DONKEY
          You should be ashamed of yourself.
                        
                         LANCELOT
          I didn’t do it. They did.
                        
         Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves
         with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.
                        
         Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Please don’t eat me.
                        
                         STUDENTS
                         (CHANTING)
          Eat him! Eat him!
                        
         Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.
                        
                         PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
          Eat him!
         Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.
                        
                         SHREK
          I’m not here to eat him.
                        
                         STUDENTS
          AWWW.
                        
                         SHREK
          It’s time to pack up your
          toothbrush and jammies. You’re the
          new King of Far Far Away.
                        
                         ARTIE
          What?
                        
         The students react with surprise and disbelief.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42.
                        
                        
                        
                         LANCELOT
          Artie a King? More like the Mayor
          of Loserville.
                        
                         BOHORT
          Nice one Lance!
                        
         They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.
                        
                         LANCELOT
          Burn.
                        
         Everyone laughs.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Is this for real?
                        
                         SHREK
          Absolutely. Now clean out your
          locker, kid. You’ve got a kingdom
          to run.
                        
                         ARTIE
          So wait, I’m really the only heir?
                        
         Shrek pauses for just a moment, then…
                        
                         SHREK
          The one and only.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Give me just a second.
                        
         Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
         speech.
                        
                         ARTIE
          My good people, I think there’s a
          lesson here for all of us. Maybe
          the next time you’re about to dunk
          a kid’s head in a chamber pot,
          you’ll stop and think, hey, maybe
          this guy has feelings. Maybe I
          should cut him some slack. Because
          maybe, just maybe… this guy’s
          gonna turn out to be, uh…I
          dunno…a King! And maybe his
          first royal decree will be to
          banish everyone who ever picked on
          him -- that’s right, I’m looking at
          you, jousting team.
                        
         Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43.
                        
                        
                        
                         ARTIE
          And Gwen… oh Gwen. I’ve always
          loved you.
                        
                         GUINEVERRE
          Ew.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Well good friends, it breaks my
          heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
          prison while I rule the free world
          baby!
                        
                         SHREK
          Alright, let’s not overdo it.
                        
                         ARTIE
          I’m building my city people! On
          Rock and Roll!
                        
                         SHREK
          You just overdid it.
                        
         Shrek shoves the kid through the door.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Ow!
                        
         Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. LIBRARY - DAY
                        
         All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
         Fiona’s baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
         flowered wreath on Fiona’s head. The Princesses all gaze at
         her.
                        
                         PRINCESSES
                         (GASP)
          Oh!
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Look at you!
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Wow!
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          You look darling!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44.
                        
                        
                        
                         SLEEPING BEAUTY
          Just precious! Look at her!
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          So, have you had any cravings since
          you’ve been pregnant?
                        
         Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with
         cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.
                        
                         FIONA
                         (MOUTH FULL)
          No, no, not at all.
                        
         She takes another bite.
                        
                         FIONA
          Do you smell ham?
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
                         (SINGING)
          Oooh! It’s present time!
                        
         The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
         chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          Oh, Fiona, won’t you please open
          mine first? It’s the one in front.
                        
         Fiona reads the card.
                        
                         FIONA
                         (READING)
          "Congratulations on your new mess
          maker…" Oh, `mess maker.’
                         (LAUGHS)
          "Hopefully this helps. Love,
          Cinderella."
                        
         Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-
         scooper.
                        
                         PRINCESSES
          Oooo! Aaaah!
                        
                         DORIS
          Will you look at that!
                        
                         SLEEPING BEAUTY
          What is it?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.
                        
                        
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          It’s for the poopies.
                        
                         SLEEPING BEAUTY
          Eww. Wait, babies poop?
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Everyone poops Beauty.
                        
         The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.
                        
                         PIG #2
          Fiona…
                        
                         PIG #1
          Fiona! We all chipped in for a
          little present too.
                        
                         PIGS
          Yah!
                        
         Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with
         Gingerbread Man inside.
                        
          GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
          Ta dah!
                        
                         PRINCESSES
          Oooh.
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          You know the baby’s gonna love it
          because I do!
                        
                         FIONA
          Oh, you guys, that’s so sweet.
          Thank you.
                        
         Fiona turns to another present.
                        
                         FIONA
          Who’s this one from?
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          I got you the biggest one because I
          love you the most.
                        
         The other girls scowl at her.
                        
                         FIONA
          (reading the card)
          "Have one on me, love Snow White"
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46.
                        
                        
                        
         Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.
                        
                         FIONA
                         (CONFUSED)
          Umm… what is it?
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Ha, haaa! He’s a live-in baby-
          sitter.
                        
                         NANNY DWARF
          Where’s the baby?
                        
                         FIONA
          You’re too kind, Snow, but I can’t
          accept this.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Think nothing of it. I’ve got six
          more at home.
                        
                         FIONA
          What does he do?
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          The cleaning.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          The feeding.
                        
                         NANNY DWARF
          The burping.
                        
                         FIONA
          So what are Shrek and I supposed to
          do?
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Well, now you’ll have plenty of
          time to work on your marriage.
                        
                         FIONA
          Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what’s
          that supposed to mean?
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know
          what happens.
                        
         Cinderella prods beauty.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47.
                        
                        
                        
                         SLEEPING BEAUTY
                         (WAKING)
          Huh? You’re tired all the time…
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          You’ll start letting yourself go…
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          Stretch marks!
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Say goodbye to romance.
                        
         Dragon puts her head through the window.
                        
                         DRAGON
          Yort.
                        
                         FIONA
          Um sorry… but how many of you
          have kids?
                        
         Doris wedges herself in on the couch.
                        
                         DORIS
          She’s right. A baby is only gonna
          strengthen the love that Shrek and
          Fiona have. How did Shrek react
          when you told him? Tell me!
                        
         Fiona smiles.
                        
                         FIONA
          Well, when he first found
          out…Shrek said-
                        
                         DRAGON
          Roarrr!
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
                        
         The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying
         broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of
         the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle
         with one of the witches.
                        
          PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
                         (LAUGHING)
          Onward my new friends.
                         (MORE)
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48.
          PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
          To our happily ever afters! Ha ha
          ha ha ha!
                        
         A bug flies into his mouth.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh!
                        
         Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Now, bombs away!
                        
         From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches
         swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks.
                        
         The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their
         branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as
         parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards
         Rodeo Drive.
                        
                        
         EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People
         are diving out of her way.
                        
         The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in
         terror.
                        
                         EVIL TREES
          Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
                        
         A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal
         Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Well, well, well. If it isn’t
          Peter Pan.
                        
                         MOTHER
          His name’s not Peter!
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Shut it, Wendy!
                        
                         MOTHER
          Ahhh!
                        
         Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop.
         They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into
         "Ye Olde HOOTERS."
                        
         The excited patrons race back in.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49.
                        
                        
                        
         An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then
         takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.
                        
         Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.
         Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the
         envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.
                        
                         CYCLOPS
          Ha, ha, ha, ha!
                        
         The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
         flying down Rodeo Drive.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Enough pillaging! To the castle!
                        
         Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains
         up to the castle.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one
         of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.
                        
         Fiona runs to the window.
                        
         The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She
         struggles.
                        
                         DRAGON
          Roarrrr!
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.
                        
         The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other
         furniture in front of the door.
                        
         The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace
         themselves against the furniture.
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
                         (TO FIONA)
          You go and take care of the baby!
                        
         The Princesses panic.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50.
                        
                        
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Everybody stay calm. We’re all
          going to die!
                        
         Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
                         (WHIMPER)
                        
         Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,
         revealing an underground passageway.
                        
                         FIONA
          Everyone in! Now.
                        
                        
                        
         INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Prince Charming commands the Villains.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          C’mon. Put some back into it
          people!
                        
         The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops
         rides the tree like a mechanical bull.
                        
                         CYCLOPS
          Yee-haw! Ow.
                        
                        
         INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         BOOM! The door is starting to give way.
                        
                         FIONA
          We don’t have time. Now go!
                        
                         QUEEN
          Quickly ladies!
                        
         The Princesses go down the stairs.
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          We’ll hold them off as long as we
          can!
                        
         BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.
         Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots
         the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51.
                        
                        
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Where are Shrek and Fiona?
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          Name doesn’t ring a bell.
                        
                         PIG #1
          Yah!
                        
                         PIG #2
          No bell!
                        
         The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          I suggest you freaks cooperate with
          the new King of Far Far Away.
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          The only thing you’re ever gonna be
          King of is "King of the Stupids."
                        
         Prince Charming snaps his fingers.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Hook!
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Right!
                        
         Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Avast, ye cookie!
                        
         He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man’s chin.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Start talkin’!
                        
         Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.
                        
         A montage of Gingerbread Man’s life flashes before his eyes.
                        
                        
         INT. BAKERY - DAY
                        
         A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He
         puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.
                        
                         MUFFIN MAN
          Gingy!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52.
                        
                        
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          Papa!
                        
                        
         INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY
                        
         Gingerbread Man is attending school.
                        
                         TEACHER
          Settle down, now.
                        
         Gingerbread Man graduates.
                        
                        
         EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY
                        
         Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.
                        
                        
         INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
                        
         Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.
                        
                        
         EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and
         wife.
                        
                        
         INT. FARQUAAD’S CASTLE - DAY
                        
         Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his
         legs.
                        
                        
         INT. GYM - DAY
                        
         Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his
         rehabilitation.
                        
                        
         EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY
                        
         Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.
                        
          CUT BACK TO:
                        
                        
         INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53.
                        
                        
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
                         (SINGING)
          "On the Good Ship Lollypop,
          It’s a sweet trip,
          To the candy shop,
          Where the Bon Bons play,
          On the sunny beach of Peppermint
          Bay.."
                        
         Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio’s head
         towards him.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          You! You can’t lie. So tell me
          puppet… Where is Shrek?!
                        
         Pinocchio thinks.
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
                         (NERVOUS)
          Well, I don’t know where he’s not.
                        
         Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio’s face.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          You’re telling me you don’t know
          where Shrek is?
                        
         Pinocchio is still a little nervous.
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume
          that I couldn’t exactly not say
          that is or isn’t almost partially
          incorrect.
                        
         Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          So you do know where he is!
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          On the contrary, I’m possibly more
          or less, not definitely rejecting
          the idea, that in no way, with any
          amount of uncertainty that…
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Stop it.
                        
                         PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
          …I undeniably do or do not know
          where he shouldn’t probably be.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54.
                        
                        
                        
         Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs
         are frustrated.
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          If that indeed wasn’t where he
          isn’t. Even if he wasn’t not where
          I knew he was could mean that I
          wouldn’t completely not know where
          he wasn’t.
                        
         Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song."
                        
                         PIG #1
          Oh, enough! Shrek went off to
          bring back the next heir! Oh!
                        
         The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his
         mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          He’s bringing back the next heir?
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          No!
                        
         Pinocchio’s nose grows.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Hook! Get rid of this new "King."
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Right!
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          But bring Shrek to me. I have
          something special in mind for him.
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          He’ll never fall for your tricks!
                        
         Pinocchio’s nose grows again.
                        
                         WOLF
          Oh boy.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK
                        
         The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he
         watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55.
                        
                        
                        
                         ARTIE
          I can’t believe it… me a King?
          I…I mean I knew I came from
          royalty and all, but I just figured
          everyone forgot about me.
                        
         He looks out to sea, disbelieving.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh no, in fact, the King asked for
          you personally.
                        
         Artie smiles.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Really? Wow! Look, I know it’s not
          all gonna be fun and games.
                        
                         SHREK
          It really is all fun and games,
          actually. Sure, you have to knight
          a few heroes, launch a ship or two.
          By the way, make sure you hit the
          boat just right with the bottle.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Boat with the bottle? Any idiot
          can hit a boat with a bottle.
                        
         Shrek chuckles sheepishly.
                        
                         SHREK
          Well, I’ve heard it’s harder than
          it looks.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Whoa!! This is gonna be huge.
          Parties, princesses, castles…
          princesses.
                        
                         DONKEY
          It’s gonna be great, Artie. You’ll
          be living in the lap of luxury.
          They got the finest chefs around
          waiting for you to place your
          order.
                        
         Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.
                        
                         PUSS
          And fortunately you’ll have the
          royal food tasters.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56.
                        
                        
                        
                         ARTIE
                         (INTRIGUED))
          Oh yeah? What do they do?
                        
                         PUSS
          They taste the food before the King
          eats, to make sure it’s not
          poisoned.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Poisoned?
                        
         Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.
                        
                         SHREK
          Or too salty!
                        
         Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.
                        
                         DONKEY
                         (TO ARTIE)
          Don’t worry about it. You’ll be
          safe and sound with the help of
          your body guards.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Body guards?
                        
                         PUSS
          All of them, willing at a moment’s
          notice to lay down their own lives
          out of devotion to you.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Really?
                        
                         PUSS
          Si, and the whole kingdom will look
          to you for wisdom and guidance.
                        
         Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Just make sure they don’t die of
          famine.
                        
                         PUSS
          Or plague.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Oh, plague is bad.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57.
                        
                        
                        
                         PUSS
          The coughing, the groaning, the
          festering sores.
                        
         Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are
          one funny kitty cat.
                        
                         PUSS
          What did I say?
                        
                         SHREK
          We don’t want Artie here getting
          the wrong idea.
                        
         Shrek motions to Artie, but he’s gone. They all look around.
                        
                         SHREK (CONT’D)
          Uh, Artie?
                        
         The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces
         himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.
                        
                         ALL
          Whoa!
                        
         Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the
         direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin
         and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain
         slides by.
                        
                         SHIP CAPTAIN
          Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip.
                        
                         SHREK
          Artie!
                        
         Shrek turns the wheel the other way.
                        
                         SHREK (CONT’D)
          What are you doing?!
                        
         The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.
         Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.
                        
         A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.
                        
                         ARTIE
          What does it look like?!
                        
         He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58.
                        
                        
                        
         He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises
         up and grabs the wheel and turns it.
                        
                         SHREK
          This really isn’t up to you!
                        
         Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the
         wheel back the other way.
                        
                         ARTIE
          But I don’t know anything about
          being King!
                        
                         SHREK
          You’ll learn on the job!
                        
         Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Whoaaa!
                        
         Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the
         wheel. They wrestle for control.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m
          going back!
                        
                         SHREK
          Back to what? Being a loser?!
                        
         As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he’s gone
         too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to
         yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the
         decking.
                        
                         SHREK (CONT’D)
          Now look what you did!
                        
                         ARTIE
          Look what I did? Who’s holding the
          wheel chief?
                        
         Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is
         about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.
                        
                         DONKEY
                         (SWALLOWING; THEN
                         SHOUTING)
          Shrek!
                        
         Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer
         the ship clear of the rocks.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59.
                        
                        
                        
         The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat
         crash into the rocks.
                        
          SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)
          Land ho!
                        
                        
         EXT. BEACH - DUSK
                        
         Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.
         He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek
         drops Puss and Donkey.
                        
         Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur
         puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.
                        
                         PUSS
          How humiliating…
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Oh, so now it’s "Your highness?"
          What happened to "loser?" Huh?
                        
                         SHREK
          Hey, if you think this is getting
          you out of anything, well it isn’t.
          We’re heading back to Far Far Away
          one way or another, and you’re
          gonna be a father!
                        
         Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek
         uncomfortably.
                        
                         ARTIE
          What?
                        
                         DONKEY
          (clearing his throat)
          A-hem. You just said father…
                        
                         SHREK
          You’re… I said king. You’re
          gonna be King!
                        
                         ARTIE
                         (IMITATING SHREK)
          "You’re gonna be King!" Yeah
          right.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60.
                        
                        
                        
         Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a
         path into the woods.
                        
                         SHREK
          Where do you think you’re going?
                        
                         ARTIE
          Far Far Away… from you!
                        
                         SHREK
          You get back here young man and I
          mean it!
                        
         Artie keeps climbing.
                        
                         PUSS
          Uh boss, I don’t think he’s coming
          back and maybe it’s for the best.
          He is not exactly king material.
                        
         Shrek looks towards Artie.
                        
                         DONKEY
          When were you planning on telling
          him that you were really supposed
          to be King?
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh c’mon, now why would I do that?
          Besides, he’ll be ten times better
          at it than me.
                        
         Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then
          you’re gonna have to change your
          tactics if you want to get anywhere
          with this kid.
                        
         Beat.
                        
                         SHREK
          You’re right, Donkey.
                        
         Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.
                        
                         SHREK
          What about this?
                        
         Donkey shakes his head in disgust.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          Shrek!
                        
         Shrek tosses the log.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh c’mon. It’s just a joke.
                         (LAUGHS)
          Still…
                        
         Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.
                        
                        
         EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Artie marches up the mountain trail.
                        
         Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic
         with the kid. He catches up to Artie.
                        
                         SHREK
          Listen Artie…
                        
         Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just
         keeps going.
                        
                         SHREK (CONT’D)
          If you think this whole mad scene
          ain’t dope, I feel you dude. I
          mean, I’m not trying to get up in
          your grill or raise your roof or
          whatever, but what I am screaming
          is, yo, check out this kazing
          thazing bazaby.
                        
         Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a
         cottage in the distance and heads toward it.
                        
                         SHREK
          I mean, if it doesn’t groove or
          what I’m saying ain’t straight
          trippin’, just say, oh no you
          didn’t, you know, you’re gettin’ on
          my last nerve. And then I’ll know
          it’s… then I’ll know it’s whack--
                        
         Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,
         striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS
                        
         A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small
         shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the
         door.
                        
                         ARTIE
          SOMEBODY HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED
          BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO
          ME!
                        
                         SHREK
          Artie! Wait!
                        
                        
         Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.
                        
                         ARTIE
          C’mon! C’mon! Help! Help!
          Hello?
                        
         Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that
         is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old
         wizard’s head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.
                        
                         DONKEY
          AHHHH!
                        
          WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
          Greetings cosmic children of the
          universe, and welcome to my
          serenity circle!
                        
         Shrek watches.
                        
          WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
          Please leave any bad vibes outside
          the healing vortex. And now
          prepare …
                        
         With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears.
                        
         The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.
                        
                         MERLIN
          I knew I should of gotten that
          warranty!
                        
         Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and
         is promptly zapped in the head.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63.
                        
                        
                        
                         MERLIN
          AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Mr. Merlin?
                        
                         SHREK
          You know this guy?
                        
                         ARTIE
          Yeah. He was the school’s magic
          teacher until he had his nervous
          breakdown.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Uh, technically I was merely a
          victim of a level three fatigue,
          and at the request of my therapist
          and the school authorities, I have
          retired to the tranquility of
          nature to discover my divine
          purpose.
                        
         Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.
                        
         Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.
                        
                        
                        
                         MERLIN
          Now, can I interest anyone in a
          snack or beverage?
                        
                         SHREK
          Uh, no.
                        
         Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Sure you don’t wanna try my famous
          rock au-gratin?
                        
         Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding
         from eating rocks.
                        
                         MERLIN
          It’s organic!
                        
         They both stare at him uncomfortably.
         Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on
          the way in. What we need are
          directions back to Far Far Away.
                        
                         ARTIE
          What’s with the "we"? Who said I
          was going with you?
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, I did. Cause there’s a lot of
          people counting on you so don’t try
          and weasel out of it.
                        
                         ARTIE
          If it’s such a great job, why don’t
          you do it?
                        
                         SHREK
          Understand this kid, it’s no more
          Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!
                        
                         ARTIE
          Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice
          Guy?"
                        
                         SHREK
          I know, and I’m gonna miss him.
                        
                         ARTIE
          You know what? Why don’t you go
          terrorize a village and leave me
          alone?
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, is that some kind of crack
          about ogres? You get your royal
          highness to Far Far Away before I
          kick it there.
                         (TO MERLIN)
          Now which way am I kicking?
                        
                         MERLIN
          Oh, I could tell you. But since
          you’re in the midst of self-
          destructive rage spiral it would be
          karmic-ly irresponsible.
                        
                         SHREK
          Self-destructive ra…
                         (TO MERLIN)
          Look, are you gonna help us or not?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65.
                        
                        
                        
                         MERLIN
          Most definitely, but only after you
          take the journey to your soul.
                        
                         SHREK
          Yeah, I don’t think so.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Look pal, it’s either that or some
          primal scream therapy.
          Ahhhhhhhhhh!
                        
         Shrek grabs Merlin’s mouth and closes it.
                        
                         SHREK
          Alright, alright… journey to the
          soul…
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP - LATER
                        
         A fire blazes.
                        
         Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Now all of you, look into the "Fire
          of Truth" and tell me what you see!
          Yah! Ha!
          (Wild war cry)
          Woo-looo-looo-looo!
                        
         He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.
         Rorschach inkblots).
                        
         Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a
          dutch fudge torte with cinnamon
          swirls.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Okay. Monster, go for it.
                        
         Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare
         begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.
         He covers his fear and changes the subject.
                        
                         SHREK
          I see a rainbow pony.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.
                        
                        
                        
                         MERLIN
          Excellent work!
                         (THEN)
          Now! The boy!
                        
                         ARTIE
          This is lame.
                        
         Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Ow!
                        
                         MERLIN
          You’re lame! Now just go for it.
                        
         He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Okay. There’s a baby bird and a
          father bird sitting in a nest.
                        
         Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie’s expression starts to
         change as he stays focused.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!
                        
                         ARTIE
          Wait, the dad just flew away. Why
          did he leave the little bird all
          alone?
                        
         Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more
         worked up.
                        
                         ARTIE
          It’s trying to fly, but it doesn’t
          know how to. It.. it’s gonna fall!
                        
         Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts
         away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,
         stunned.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Whew, proper head case you are,
          aren’t you? Really messed up.
          Whoa.
                        
         Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67.
                        
                        
                        
                         ARTIE
          Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The
          bird’s me. My dad left. So what?
                        
                        
         Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.
         Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.
                        
                         SHREK
                         (CLEARS THROAT)
          Look Artie…um-
                        
         Just as he’s about to get going, "That’s What Friends Are
         For" starts playing loudly from Merlin’s security device
         drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the
         shack where Merlin peeks out.
                        
                         MERLIN
          (loud, over the music)
          Just thought I might help set the
          mood! Y’know for your big heart to
          heart chat!
                        
         Everyone stares at him.
                        
         He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It’s
         quiet again.
                        
                         SHREK
          I know what it’s like to not feel
          ready for something.
                        
         Artie looks at him.
                        
                         SHREK
          Even ogres get scared…you know,
          once in a while.
                        
                         ARTIE
          I know you want me to be king, but
          I can’t. I’m not cut out for it and
          I never will be, alright?
                        
         Shrek takes this in.
                        
                         ARTIE (CONT’D)
          Even my own dad knew I wasn’t worth
          the trouble. He dumped me at that
          school the first chance he got and
          I never heard from him again.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          My dad wasn’t really the fatherly
          type either.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Well, I doubt he was worse than
          mine.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.
          He tried to eat me.
                        
         Artie looks at Shrek.
                        
                         SHREK
          Now, I guess I should have seen it
          coming. He used to give me a bath
          in barbecue sauce and put me to bed
          with an apple in my mouth.
                        
         Artie chuckles at this.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Okay… I guess that’s… pretty
          bad.
                        
         Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.
                        
                         SHREK
          You know, it may be hard to believe
          what with my obvious charm and good
          looks, but people used to think
          that I was a monster. And for a
          long time, I believed them.
                        
         Artie looks up at Shrek.
                        
                         SHREK (CONT’D)
          But after awhile, you learn to
          ignore the names that people call
          you and you just trust who you are.
                        
         Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.
                        
                         ARTIE
          You know, you’re okay, Shrek.
                        
         He tosses the stick into the fire.
                        
                         ARTIE
          You just need to do a little less
          yelling and use a little more soap.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          Thanks Artie.
                        
                         ARTIE
          The soap’s because you stink.
          Really bad.
                        
                         SHREK
          Yeah. I got that.
                        
         The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the
         fire continues to burn.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by
         darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs
         below the castle.
                        
         They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading
         the way, holding a torch.
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          Oh this place is filthy. I feel
          like a hobo.
                        
         Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          I’m sorry but this just isn’t
          working for me.
                        
         Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.
                        
                         SLEEPING BEAUTY
          Everything’s always about you,
          isn’t it? It’s not like your
          attitude is helping, Snow.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Well maybe it just bothers you that
          I was voted fairest in the land.
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          You mean in that rigged election?
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Oh, give me a break.
          (gesturing toward hair)
                         (MORE)
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70.
          SNOW WHITE (cont’d)
          "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy
          golden extensions!"
                        
                         QUEEN
          Ladies, let go of your petty
          complaints and let’s work together.
                        
         Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.
                        
         Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other
         Princesses follow.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          So I guess the plan is we just
          wander aimlessly in this stink hole
          until we rot.
                        
                         FIONA
          No, we’re gonna get inside and find
          out what Charming’s up to.
                        
                         DORIS
          I know he’s a jerk and everything,
          but I gotta admit, that Charming
          makes me hotter than July.
                        
                         SLEEPING BEAUTY
          Ew!
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Ugh.
                        
         Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.
                        
                         FIONA
          That’s it!
                        
         Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder
         and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
                        
         They peer around a corner and see the construction of an
         outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying
         a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the
         set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.
                        
         The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.
                        
         Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the
         Princesses to follow her.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71.
                        
                        
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Come on, this way!
                        
                         FIONA
          Rapunzel. Wait!
                        
         Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her
         sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through
         the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the
         arm.
                        
                         FIONA
          Charming, let go of her.
                        
         A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.
                        
         Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          But why would I want to do that?
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Grrrr!
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Woof!
                        
         He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long
         kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.
                        
                         FIONA
          What?
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Say hello ladies, to the new Queen
          of Far Far Away.
                        
         Cinderella claps excitedly.
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          Yaaaaaaaaay!
                        
         The Princesses stare her down.
                        
                         FIONA
          Rapunzel, how could you?
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          Jealous much?
                        
         Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72.
                        
                        
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Soon you’ll be back where you
          started… scrubbing floors or
          locked away in towers; that is, if
          I let you last the week.
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
          But Pooky, you promised you
          wouldn’t hurt them!
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy
          will discuss it later. Now forgive
          us, we have a show to put on.
                        
                         FIONA
          Shrek will be back soon Charming,
          and you’ll be sorry.
                        
         He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Sorry? Don’t you realize --once
          Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away
          he’s doomed?
                        
         Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them
         apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.
                        
         The guards march them off.
                        
         Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.
         Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
                        
         Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,
         looking around. He realizes it’s morning.
                        
         Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,
         the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.
                        
         Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find
         everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up
         everyone.
                        
         The trees start to advance toward Shrek.
                        
         The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking
         Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73.
                        
                        
                        
                         ARTIE
          Ow!
                        
         The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally
         wakes up.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Ahhh!
                        
         The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The
         trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.
                        
         The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns
         away from his keys and faces them.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Look out! They’ve got a piano!
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Kill `em all. Except the fat one.
                        
         He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          King Charming has something special
          in mind for you, ogre.
                        
         Shrek is perplexed.
                        
                         SHREK
          "King Charming?"
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Attack!
                        
         Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.
                        
                         PIRATES
          AAAARGH!
                        
         One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.
                        
         The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the
         side.
                        
         One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.
                        
                         SHREK
          Artie, Duck!
                        
         Shrek pushes Artie’s head down and the sword narrowly misses
         him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts
         Artie above his head.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.
                        
                        
         Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to
         the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.
                        
         A pirate charges Donkey.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Ahhh!
                        
         Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,
         protecting Donkey.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Ha-ha! Argh!
                        
                         PIRATES
          Argh! Argh!
                        
         The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin
         happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and
         rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.
                        
         A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The
         pirate bounces off Shrek’s belly.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Ready the plank!
                        
         A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift
         "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.
                        
         Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He
         is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a
         waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the
         lid on him.
                        
         Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.
         Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,
         Donkey and Artie up in a net.
                        
         The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie
         starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut
         through the netting.
                        
         The cannon fuse is lit.
                        
         Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the
         chest still stuck to his behind.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Shrek!
                        
                         ARTIE
          Help!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75.
                        
                        
                        
         Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He
         grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.
         He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and
         catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,
         Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.
         The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook’s piano, blowing it
         into pieces.
                        
         Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that
         holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates
         take off running.
                        
         Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes
         his hook in the air.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Ya cowards!
                        
                         SHREK
          What has Charming done with Fiona?
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          She’s gonna get what’s coming to
          her.
                        
         He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an
         Evil Tree’s branch and is dragged away with the rest of the
         Villains.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          Ahhh.
                         (YELLING BACK)
          And there ain’t nothing you can do
          to stop him!
                        
         TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to
         him now.
                        
         Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.
                        
                         PUSS
          We’ve got to save her!
                        
                         DONKEY
          But she’s so far far away!
                        
         Shrek thinks for a moment.
                        
                         SHREK
          Get yourself back to
          Worcestershire, kid.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76.
                        
                        
                        
                         ARTIE
          No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I’ve
          got an idea.
                        
                        
         EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie
         approaches him.
                        
                         MERLIN
                         (CHANTING)
          I’m a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,
          buzz…
                        
                         ARTIE
          Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to
          get them…I mean, us, back to Far
          Far Away.
                        
         Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his
         eye at Artie.
                        
                         MERLIN
                         (GETTING UP)
          Forget it. I don’t have that kind
          of magic in me anymore, kid. How
          about a hug instead? Hmm? That’s
          the best kind of magic.
                        
         Artie tries a new approach.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Mr. Merlin please. I know you can
                         DO IT-
                        
                         MERLIN
          I said, forget it!
                        
                         ARTIE
                         BUT-
                        
         Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his
         breath.
                        
                         MERLIN (CONT’D)
          Mumble, grumble, interrupt my
          healing. Mumble, mumble.
                        
         Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts
         to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77.
                        
                        
                        
                         MERLIN
          Oh. What, what’s with you?
                        
         Artie continues to cry.
                        
                         ARTIE
          It’s just so hard. You know? They
          really need to get back `cause
          their kingdom’s in trouble `cause
          there’s a really bad man and it’s
          just so hard…
                        
         Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.
                        
                         MERLIN
          C’mon, take it easy.
                        
         Artie’s blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.
                        
                         ARTIE
          No! I don’t think you understand!
          There’s a mean person doing mean
          things to good people-
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, have a heart old man!
                        
         Artie grabs him, now desperate.
                        
                         ARTIE
          And they really need your help to
          get them back! So why won’t you
          help them?
                        
                         MERLIN
          Oh.
                        
         Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.
                        
         Merlin is stunned. He doesn’t know what to do.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Uh, Okay… I’ll go and get my
          things.
                        
         Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.
         Shrek is impressed.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Piece of cake.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          Well, well, well. You want some
          eggs with that ham?
                        
         Shrek smiles.
                        
         Merlin returns holding a spell book.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Now, I am a little rusty, so there
          could be some side effects.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Side effects!?
                        
                         MERLIN
          Don’t worry, whatever it is, no
          matter how excruciatingly painful
          it may be, it’ll wear off
          eventually… I think.
                        
         Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out
         his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Ah!
                        
                         MERLIN
          Oops.
                        
         Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Are you sure this is a good idea?
                        
                         SHREK
          Look, if Artie trusts him, that’s
          good enough for me. Even if his
          robe doesn’t quite cover his-
                        
                         MERLIN
          Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy
          zoom zoom. Let’s help our friends
          get back, um… soon!
                        
         Magic rays shoot out of Merlin’s fingers. Shrek, Puss,
         Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Woah! It worked!
                        
                         CUT TO:
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS
                        
         They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the
         canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the
         foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (moan and groan)
                        
         Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.
                        
                         DONKEY (CONT’D)
          (in Puss’ body)
          Oh man, I haven’t been on a trip
          like that since college.
                        
                         SHREK
          Donkey?
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          What? Is there something in my
          teeth?
                        
         Donkey’s eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of
         Puss’ body.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Huh? What the?
                         (GASP)
          Oh no!
                        
         Donkey (in Puss’ body) grabs Puss’ hat. He looks down at
         Puss’ boots. His tail begins to twitch.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          I’ve been abracadabra’d into a
          fancy feasting second rate
          sidekick.
                        
         Puss (in Donkey’s body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in
         Puss’ body).
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          At least you don’t look like some
          kind of bloated roadside piñata.
          You really should think about going
          on a diet!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Yeah, and you should think about
          getting yourself a pair of pants!
          I feel all exposed and nasty.
                        
         Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted
         to their faces. They burst out laughing.
                        
         Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Oh, so you two think this is funny?
                        
         Puss is fuming.
                        
         Shrek and Artie regain their composure.
                        
                         ARTIE
                         (SNICKERS)
          I’m really sorry guys.
                        
                         SHREK
          Don’t be! You got us back kid.
                        
         Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of
         them. He turns back to Artie.
                        
         Artie smiles.
                        
         Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss’ body.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the
          Hans Christian Andersen am I
          supposed to parade around in these
          goofy boots?
                        
                         PUSS
          Be very careful with those - HEE
          HAW!
                        
         Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.
                        
                         PUSS
          They were made in Madrid by the
          finest- HEE HAW!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Oh, you’ll learn to control that.
                        
          TIME CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON
                        
         Shrek, Puss (in Donkey’s body), and Artie rush past a welcome
         sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads
         "Go Go Away."
                        
         Donkey (in Puss’ body) struggles to walk. His tender new
         feet hurt in their tiny boots.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Seriously man, you need some
          comfort inserts or arch supports or
          something.
          (noticing Rodeo Drive)
          Woah!
                        
         Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti
         everywhere.
                        
         Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down
         Rodeo Drive.
                        
                         EVIL WITCHES
          Woohoo!!
                        
         The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken
         Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the
         street.
                        
         Shrek is shocked by what he sees.
                        
         A crash is heard off-screen.
                        
                         EVIL DWARF #1
          Hey… watch it I’m walking here…
          and I’m gonna keep going…
                        
         A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding
         Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.
                        
         A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with
         Pinocchio dancing in it.
                        
                         SHREK
          Pinocchio?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82.
                        
                        
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          Shrek!
                        
         Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down
         on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.
                        
                         SHREK
          Pinocchio!
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          Help me!
                        
                         SHREK
          What’s happened?
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          Charming and the Villains have
          taken over everything! They
          attacked us but Fiona and the
          Princesses got away. And now she’s-
                         -
                        
         The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain
         goes down.
                        
                         SHREK
          She’s what?! She’s what!?
                        
         Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it
         costs per show.
                        
                         SHREK
          (turns to Puss in Donkey’s
                         BODY)
          Puss, loan me five bucks!
                        
                         DONKEY
          C’mon Puss, you heard the man, help
          a brother out.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Do you see any pockets on me?
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Hold on a second.
                        
         Donkey (in Puss’ body) removes his boot, he turns it over and
         a bag of money falls onto the ground.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Aha!
                        
         Donkey (in Puss’ body) tosses the money to Shrek.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          I had no idea …really …I swear.
                        
         Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music
         starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.
                        
                         SHREK
          Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          Charming’s got her locked away some
          place secret. You gotta find him!
          He’s probably getting ready for the
                         SHOWWWW---
                        
         The curtain goes down again.
                        
                         SHREK
          Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What
          show?
                        
         Pinocchio’s hand comes out from under the curtain and points
         to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.
                        
                         PUSS
          (reading the poster)
          It’s A Happily Ever After, After
          All!
                        
                         SHREK
          Shrek’s final performance.
                        
         The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his
         foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the
         ground.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Whoa, Shrek! You didn’t tell us
          you were in a play.
                        
                         SHREK
          Well I guess I’ve been so busy I
          forgot to mention it!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84.
                        
                        
                        
          GUARD #1 (O.S.)
          It’s the ogre! Get him!
                        
         Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming’s royal
         knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the
         alley. Puss (in Donkey’s body) steps forward.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Don’t worry, Jefe. I got this.
                        
         He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are
         large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily
         hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they’re
         staring at a donkey.
                        
         The guards recoil.
                        
                         GUARD #2
          Ugh! Kill it!
                        
         Puss (in Donkey’s body) immediately retreats.
                        
         Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps
         forward, confronting the guards.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Look, don’t you know who he thinks
          he is? How dare you?
                        
         Shrek picks up on his plan.
                        
                         SHREK
          Donkey, we’re dealing with
          amateurs.
                        
         The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the
         wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the
         poster off the wall.
                        
                         ARTIE
          He’s a star people! Hello?! I’m so
          sorry about this Mr. Shrek.
                        
                         SHREK
          I’m gonna lose it!
                        
                         ARTIE
          I assume you have everything ready
          for tonight! You did get the list
          for the dressing room?
                        
         Donkey marches in.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Yeah, the breakfast croissants
          stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.
          Oh, and please tell me you at least
          have the saffron corn with the
          jalapeno honey butter cause our
          client cannot get into his proper
          emotional state without his
          jalapeno honey butter.
                        
                         SHREK
          I just lost it!
                        
                         GUARD #1
          Uh…Maybe they should talk to
          Nancy in Human Resources.
                        
         Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the
         castle.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Oh, we’ll have much to say to
          Nancy, I promise!
                        
         The guards look at each other nervously.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY
                        
         A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance
         number.
                        
         Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth
         in the rear of the stage.
                        
         The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to
         a Shrek stand in.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          (reading his lines from a
                         SCRIPT)
          With this sword, I do- No.
                        
         He starts the line over.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          With this sword, I do smote thee!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86.
                        
                        
                        
         Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who
         falls to the ground.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (TO HIMSELF) )
          Is that the right word? "Smote?"
          "Smooote." Is that even a word
          actually? Maybe I should just
          smite him.
                        
         Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Let’s try this again. Now…
                        
                        
         Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside
         Prince Charming.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          (playing the scene out
                         QUIETLY)
          Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be
          afraid.
          (he fake screams)
          Ooh!!!
                        
         Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and
         chuckles.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          I say…
          (he riffles through pages)
          "Finally the Kingdom will get the
          happily ever after they deserve,
          die Ogre", blah, blah, blah…
                        
         Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.
         Prince Charming is still frustrated.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Oh! It just doesn’t feel real
          enough yet!
                        
         He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the
         dancing villains who are staring at him.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Who told you to stop dancing?!
                        
                         CYCLOPS
          Uh… Wink and turn, wink and turn.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87.
                        
                        
                        
         He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          And what are you laying around for?
          Get up! Honestly.
                        
         Prince Charming storms off.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing
         room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings
         and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.
                        
         Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front
         of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of
         his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Our happily ever after is nearly
          complete, mummy. And I assure you,
          the people of this kingdom will pay
          dearly for every second we’ve had
          to wait.
                        
                        
                        
         Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek
         standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along
         side him.
                        
         Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.
                        
                         SHREK
          Break a leg. Or, on second
          thought, let me break it for you.
                        
         He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his
         dressing table.
                        
         Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button
         under the counter.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Thank goodness you’re here. I was
          beginning to think you might not
          make it back in… time.
                        
         Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88.
                        
                        
                        
                         SHREK
          Where’s Fiona?
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Don’t worry. She and the others
          are safe. For now.
                        
         Shrek strengthens his grip.
                        
         Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly
         surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Ow.
                        
         Prince Charming smiles.
                        
         Shrek looks around and realizes he’s beat. He drops Charming
         with a thud.
                        
         Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround
         Shrek.
                        
         Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across
         his face.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Let me guess… Arthur?
                        
         Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.
                        
                         ARTIE
          It’s Artie, actually.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          This boy is supposed to be the new
          King of Far Far Away?
                        
         Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to
         Artie’s neck.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          How pathetic! Now, stand still so I
          won’t make a mess.
                        
         Shrek steps in.
                        
                         SHREK
          Charming, stop! I’m here now, you
          got what you wanted. This isn’t
          about him.
                        
         Artie is confused.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89.
                        
                        
                        
                         ARTIE
          Then who’s it about? I’m supposed
          to be King, right?
                        
         Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.
                        
                         SHREK
          You weren’t really next in line for
          the throne, okay? I was.
                        
                         ARTIE
          But you said the King asked for me
          personally.
                        
                         SHREK
          Not exactly.
                        
                         ARTIE
          What’s that supposed to mean?
                        
                        
         Shrek becomes defensive.
                        
                         SHREK
          Look, I said whatever I had to say,
          alright! I wasn’t right for the
          job, I just needed some fool to
          replace me, and you fit the bill.
          So just go!
                        
         Artie is stunned.
                        
                         ARTIE
          You were playing me the whole time.
                        
         Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.
                        
                         SHREK
          You catch on real fast kid… Maybe
          you’re not as big of a loser as I
          thought.
                        
         Puss (in Donkey’s body) is about to interject when Donkey (in
         Puss’ body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.
                        
                         ARTIE
          You know, for a minute there, I
          actually thought you -
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          What? That he cared about you? He’s
          an ogre. What did you expect?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90.
                        
                        
                        
         Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He
         stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.
                        
         Shrek lowers his head in shame.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          You really do have a way with
          children, Shrek.
                        
         Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
                        
                        
         INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM:
                        
         Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE GATE:
                        
         The scene cross-dissolves to Artie’s back as he walks away
         from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily
         storms away.
                        
                        
         INT. DUNGEON:
                        
         Shrek’s ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his
         chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.
                        
                        
         INT. PRISON:
                        
         The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona
         comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares
         sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.
                        
                        
         INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY
                        
         All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in
         the same prison cell.
                        
         Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a
         shine.
                        
         Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the
         distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Had we just stayed put like I
          suggested, we could be sipping tea
          out of little heart-shaped cups…
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91.
                        
                        
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          Yeah… yeah, heart shaped cups.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Eating crumpets smothered with
          loganberries.
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          Yeah… loganberries.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Shut up Cindy.
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          Yeah, shut up.
                        
         Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.
                        
                         CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)
          No! You shut up!
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          Just stay out of this!
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Who cares who’s running the kingdom
          anyway?
                        
                         FIONA
          I care.
                        
         Fiona steps forward and challenges them.
                        
                         QUEEN
          And you should all care too.
                        
         Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each
         other’s bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind
         them.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Hey, hey, hey, hey.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Yeah, and I have your badge number,
                         "TIN CAN-"
                        
         Puss, in Donkey’s body, hisses and arches his back like a
         cat.
         Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92.
                        
                        
                        
          FIONA (O.S.)
          Donkey?!
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Princess?!
                        
                         FIONA
          Puss?!
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Lo siento, Princessa, but I am
          Puss, stuck here inside this
          hideous body.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          And I’m me!
                        
                         FIONA
                         BUT YOU’RE-
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          I know, I know. Everything’s a
          little fruity in the loops right
          now. But what happened is, we went
          to high school, the boat crashed,
          and we got "bippity-bopity-booped"
          by the "Magic Man."
                        
                         DORIS
          You poor sweet things.
                        
                         CINDERELLA
          I don’t get it.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          The cat turned into a little horse
          that smells like feet. What’s to
          get?
                        
                         SLEEPING BEAUTY
                         (WAKING UP)
          Huh? Who dat?
                        
                         FIONA
          Where’s Shrek?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          Charming’s got him, Princess. And
          he plans on killing Shrek tonight
          in front of the whole kingdom.
                        
         Fiona’s lets out a breath.
                        
                         FIONA
          Alright everyone, we need to find a
          way out, now.
                        
         The Princesses nod in agreement.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          You’re right.
          (to the other Princesses)
          Ladies, assume the position!
                        
         Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly
         assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.
         Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.
                        
                         FIONA
          What are you doing?
                        
                         SLEEPING BEAUTY
          Waiting to be rescued.
                        
                         FIONA
          You have got to be kidding me.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Well, what do you expect us to do?
          We’re just four…
                         (NOTICES DORIS)
          I mean, three, super hot
          princesses, two circus freaks, a
          pregnant ogre and an old lady.
                        
         The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.
                        
                         QUEEN
          Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming
          through.
                        
         She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and
         lets out a yell.
                        
                         QUEEN
          Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah!
                        
         She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona
         and the Princesses are impressed.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94.
                        
                        
                        
          PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY
          Whoa.
                        
                         FIONA
          Mom!?
                        
                         QUEEN
          Well, you didn’t actually think you
          got your fighting skills from your
          father, did you?
                        
         Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.
                        
         Snow White points to another wall behind them.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Excuse me, I think there’s still
          one more.
                        
         The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
                        
                         QUEEN
          Hmmmm.
                        
         The Queen hurries to the other wall.
                        
                         QUEEN
          Hiiiiyah!
                        
         It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.
                        
         Fiona approaches her mother.
                        
         The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing
         softly to herself.
                        
                         FIONA
          Why don’t you just lie down?
                        
         The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away.
                        
         Fiona turns to the others.
                        
                         FIONA
          Okay girls, from here on out, we’re
          gonna take care of business
          ourselves.
                        
         Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other
         Princesses. They nod.
                        
         Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a
         Dopey tattoo.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95.
                        
                        
                        
         Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.
                        
         The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a
         football player).
                        
         Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.
                        
         Doris burns her bra.
                        
         The Princesses place their hands over Fiona’s. Puss and
         Donkey’s hands come in last.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and
         taps it on the score in front of him.
                        
                         ANNOUNCER
          Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far
          Away Theatre at the Charming
          Pavilion is proud to present: "It’s
          a Happily Ever After, After All."
                        
         The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It’s a
         Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as
         himself."
                        
         Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills
         and are using spears to usher people into their seats.
                        
                         EVIL KNIGHT #1
          Enjoy your evening of theatrical
          reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or
          beverages in the theatre! Hey!
                        
         The orchestra begins to warm up.
                        
                        
         EXT. STAGE
                        
         The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the
         stage to backstage.
                        
                        
         INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT
                        
         SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.
         Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains
         attached to the floor.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96.
                        
                        
                        
         He pulls the chains tight.
                        
                         SHREK
          Oww, easy.
                        
                         CYCLOPS
          Sorry. I guess I was just showing
          off for the little one.
                        
                         SHREK
          Huh?
                        
                         CYCLOPS
          It’s "Bring your kids to work day."
          C’mere beautiful.
                        
         Cyclops motions to the shadows.
                        
         CYCLOPS’ DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like
         Cyclops with long hair and skirt.
                        
         Shrek recoils.
                        
                         SHREK
          Well… she’s got your eye.
                        
         Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.
                        
                         CYCLOPS
          Who woulda thought a monster like
          me deserves something as special as
          you?
                        
         They touch foreheads affectionately.
                        
         Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined
         look on his face.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE GARDENS
                        
         The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the
         castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two
         Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to
         signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side
         entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow
         White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal
         Friends/With A Smile."
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97.
                        
                        
                        
          SNOW WHITE (O.S.)
                         (SINGING)
          "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa."
                        
         The birds answer her in song.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
                         (SINGING)
          "Ahh ha ha ha haa."
                        
         The birds answer again.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
                         (SINGING)
          "Ha ha ha ha haaaa.
          Little birdies take wing,
          flitting down from the trees they
          appear, and to chirp in my ear."
                        
         All the forest creatures flock to her.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
                         (SINGING)
          "All because I sing.
          Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
                        
         More forest creatures flock to Snow White.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
                         (SINGING)
          "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
                        
         The Evil Trees stare in amazement.
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
                         (SINGING)
          "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!"
                        
         Suddenly Snow White’s face changes. She transitions into Led
         Zeppelin’s "Immigrant Song."
                        
                         SNOW WHITE
          Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!!
                        
         All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the
         Princesses charge forward.
                        
                         FIONA
          Move it! Go! Go! Go!
                        
                         CUT TO:
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) run through front
         gates of the Far Far Away Zoo.
                        
         The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss’
         body) busts open their cage.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          My babies!
                        
         The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey’s body) and hug him.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Help! Ow!
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Hey!
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through
         the lock to open the gates.
                        
         As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs
         towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her
         boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the
         ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body.
                        
         Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The
         Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and
         over the castle wall.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) break Pinocchio out
         of his marionette theatre.
                        
                         CUT TO:
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER
                        
         Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case.
         Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other’s bodies). Donkey (in
         Puss’ body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his
         claws. Puss (in Donkey’s body) intervenes, quickly bashing a
         hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the
         case.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily
         creep along the rooftop.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking
         their path. She gets an idea.
                        
         The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They
         "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up
         to reveal Doris.
                        
                         DORIS
          Hey. How’s it going?
                        
         She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off
         running.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER
                        
         Donkey, Puss, (still in each other’s bodies) and the rescued
         Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle.
                        
         Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          "O" to the "K." The coast has
          cleared.
                        
         Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          All right people, let’s do this
          thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!!
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          I thought we agreed we would go by
          the name of "Team Super Cool."
                        
                         GINGERBREAD MAN
          As I recall it was "Team Awesome."
                        
                         WOLF
          I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf
          Squadron."
                        
                         DONKEY
          Alright! Alright! Alright! From
          henceforth we are to be known as
          "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool
          Dynomite Wolf Squadron."
                        
         The Three Pigs notice something.
                        
                         PIG #1
          Ach to Lieber! There is some
          strange little girl over there
          staring at us!
                        
         Donkey, in Puss’ body, turns to look. Artie is staring at
         the strange crew.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Artie!
                        
         Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey’s body, runs to
         stop him.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey!
          Where is the fire, Senor?
                        
         Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey’s body) out of the way.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Oh please, don’t act so innocent.
          You both knew what was going on the
          whole time and you kept it to
          yourself.
                        
         Artie starts to storm away.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Artie, it’s not like it seems.
                        
                         ARTIE
          It’s not? I think it seems pretty
          clear. He was using me. That’s
          all there is to it.
                        
         Artie starts to walk off.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Using you? Man, you really don’t
          get it!
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Shrek only said those things to
          protect you!
                        
         This stops Artie in his tracks.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Charming was going to kill you
          Artie. Shrek saved your life.
                        
         Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his
         friend.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. COURTYARD STAGE
                        
         The lights dim.
                        
         The curtain rises.
                        
                        
         INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight.
                        
                         RUMPLESTILTSKIN
          Cue the spot!
                        
                        
         EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while
         the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102.
                        
                        
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
                         (SINGING)
          "I wait alone up here.
          I’m trapped another day.
          Locked up here - please set me
          free.
          My new life I almost see,
          A castle, you and me.
          Yes, a castle you and me…"
                        
         Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this
         crap for real?
                        
         Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience.
                        
         From the audience a knight holds up a candle.
                        
         Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs.
                        
                         RUMPLESTILTSKIN
          Cherubs!
                        
         The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a
         rope and pulley system.
                        
         A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a
         clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on
         horseback.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "Tis I! Tis I!
          Upon my regal steed!
          Princess, my love,
          at last you shall be freed!"
                        
         The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the
         clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out
         of the clamshell.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "I’m strong and brave,
          and dashing my way there!
          With speed! With might!
          With soft and bouncy hair!"
                        
         Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "Through the blistering desert…"
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103.
                        
                        
                        
         Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin
         puppet.
                        
                         EVIL TREES
                         (SINGING)
          "Hot!"
                        
         Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the
         sea serpent and crosses the sea.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "Across the stormiest sea."
                        
                         EVIL DWARFS
                         (SINGING)
          "Wet!"
                        
         He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the
         Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "Facing creatures so vile!"
                        
                         FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
                         (SINGING)
          "Foul!"
                        
         He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer
         and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "So you can gaze upon me!"
                        
         Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom
         of Rapunzel’s tower.
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
                         (SINGING)
          "I knew you’d come for me.
          And now we finally meet."
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "I knew you’d wait.
          And from my plate of love you’d
          eat."
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104.
                        
                        
                        
         There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through
         the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in
         the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the
         audience, putting his hand to his ear.
                        
                        
         INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel.
                        
         Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage.
                        
                         MABEL
          Roar! Roar!
                        
         Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some
         steam with a billow.
                        
                        
         EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette
         fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his
         chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle
         before him.
                        
                        
         INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs,
         cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly
         sit down.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "Who is this terrible ugly fiend
          who so rudely intervened?"
                        
         Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings.
                        
                         FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
                         (SINGING)
          "Will Charming fight? Or will he
          flee?"
                        
                         RAPUNZEL
                         (SINGING)
          "Oh please, rescue me!"
                        
                         FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
                         (SINGING)
          "From this monstrosity!"
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105.
                        
                        
                        
         Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra-
         high voice of a castrato.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "Fear thee not Honey Lamb!
          I will slice this thing up like a
          HAM!"
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh boy.
                        
         Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword
         and aiming it at Shrek’s chest. Prince Charming’s voice
         climbs even higher.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          You are about to enter
          a world of pain with which you are
                         NOT-
                         (SINGING)
          "FamiliaAAAAAAR!"
                        
         He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye
         glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the
         audience.
                        
         Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt.
                        
                         SHREK
          Well it can’t be anymore painful
          than the lousy performance you’re
          giving.
                        
         The audience laughs at Shrek’s remark. Prince Charming is
         thrown by their reaction.
                        
         From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries
         to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line.
                        
                         RUMPLESTILTSKIN
          "Prepare foul beast."
                        
         He clears his throat and tries to get back into character.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (SINGING)
          "Prepare foul beast, your time is
          done."
                        
                         SHREK
          Oooh, if you don’t mind could you
          kill me, and then sing?
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106.
                        
                        
                        
         The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek’s face.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Be quiet!
                        
                         SHREK
          Oh, come on, I’m just havin’ fun
          with ya. That’s actually a very
          nice leotard.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Thank you.
                        
                         SHREK
          Do they come in men’s sizes?
                        
         The audience laughs again.
                        
                         HOOK
          He, he. Now that be funny.
                        
         The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he’s
         screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          ENOUGH!
                        
         The crowd falls silent.
                        
         Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Now you’ll finally know what it’s
          like to have everything you’ve
          worked for, everything that’s
          precious to you taken away.
                        
         Prince Charming raises his sword.
                        
          PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
          Now you’ll know how I felt.
                        
         Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Ahhhhh!
                        
         Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies
         above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her.
                        
                         DRAGON
          Roar!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107.
                        
                        
                        
         The Three Pigs come running down the aisle.
                        
                         PIG #1
          Sausage Roll!!
                        
         The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and
         roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They
         strike a fighting pose.
                        
         Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a
         flurry of kung-fu hands.
                        
         The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the
         others.
                        
                         WOLF
          Arg.
                        
         Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel’s
         hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end
         catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls
         into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man.
                        
         Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair
         net. She runs off crying.
                        
         Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded.
                        
         Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon
         and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage.
                        
         Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’s body)
          Pray for mercy from…
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          …Puss!
                        
         He claps his hooves on the stage.
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          And Donkey!
                        
                        
         He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio’s bottom.
                        
                         PINOCCHIO
          (re: his bottom)
          Hey.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108.
                        
                        
                        
         The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with
         Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them
         with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger,
         Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with
         a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce
         poses and stand next to Shrek.
                        
         The audience applauds.
                        
         Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to
         the floor, revealing Fiona.
                        
                         FIONA
          Hi honey! Sorry we’re late. You
          okay?
                        
                         SHREK
          Much better, now that you’re here.
                        
                         AUDIENCE
          Awwwwwww!
                        
         The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming
         raising his shackled wrists.
                        
                         SHREK
          So Charming, you wanna let me out
          of these so we can settle this ogre
          to man?
                        
         Prince Charming considers this for a second.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have
          a better idea!
                        
         Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his
         hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking
         Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly.
                        
         The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their
         brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a
         knife to her throat.
                        
         The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is
         suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum-
         ball.
                        
         Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded
         by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up.
                        
                         SHREK
          Fiona!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109.
                        
                        
                        
                         FIONA
          No! Let go of me!
                        
         Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it’s no
         use.
                        
         Prince Charming’s eyes narrow.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          You will not ruin things this time
          ogre.
                         (TO VILLAINS)
          Kill it!
                        
         Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As
         the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in
         their eyes, stopping them in their tracks.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Everybody stop!
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
                         (EXASPERATED)
          Oh, what is it now?
                        
                         SHREK
          Artie?
                        
         Artie jumps from the spotlight.
                        
         Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud.
                        
         Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience
         stares in awe.
                        
         After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub’s cable,
         sending the little person up in the air.
                        
         Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek.
         He stands facing the Villains.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Who really thinks we need to settle
          things this way?
                        
         The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The
         other Villains follow suit.
                        
                         ARTIE
          You’re telling me you just want to
          be Villains your whole lives?
                        
         This gives the Villains pause.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110.
                        
                        
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          But we are Villains. It’s the only
          thing we know.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Didn’t you ever wish you could be
          something else?
                        
         The Villains aren’t convinced.
                        
                         EVIL TREE #2
          Well, it’s easy for you to say.
          You’re not some evil enchanted
          tree.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          You morons! Don’t listen to him!
                         ATTACK THEM-
                        
         Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming’s mouth and then
         motions to Artie.
                        
                         EVIL TREE #1
          What Steve’s trying to say here is
          that it’s hard to come by honest
          work when the whole world’s against
          you.
                        
                         EVIL TREE #2
          Right, thanks Ed.
                        
                         ARTIE
          Okay, fair enough. You’re right.
          I’m not a talking tree. But, ya
          know, a good friend of mine once
          told me that just because people
          treat you like a villain, or an
          ogre…
                        
         Artie shares a look with Shrek.
                        
                         ARTIE
          … or just some loser…
                        
         The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently.
                        
                         ARTIE (CONT’D)
          …it doesn’t mean you are one.
                        
         The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles
         to break free.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111.
                        
                        
                        
                         ARTIE (CONT’D)
          The thing that matters most is what
          you think of yourself.
                        
         Artie commands the stage.
                        
                         ARTIE (CONT’D)
          If there’s something you really
          want, or there’s someone you really
          want to be, then the only person
          standing in your way …is you.
                        
         Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him.
         Rumplestiltskin is alarmed.
                        
                         RUMPLESTILTSKIN
          Me?
                        
                         OTHER PIRATES
          Get `im lads!
                        
                         ARTIE
          No, no, no! What I mean is: each
          of you is standing in your own way!
                        
                         VILLAINS
          Oooooooh!
                        
         The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd.
                        
                         HEADLESS HORSEMAN
          I’ve always wanted to play the
          flute.
                        
         The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other.
         The Evil Queen steps up.
                        
                         EVIL QUEEN
          I`d like to open up a spa in
          France.
                        
         The Villains nod in agreement.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          I grow daffodils!
                        
         Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook.
                        
                         CAPTAIN HOOK
          And they’re beautiful!
                        
         Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it
         down.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112.
                        
                        
         The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and
         Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking
         about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from
         him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone
         else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and
         shaking hands.
                        
         Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is
         untied.
                        
         Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw.
         Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the
         jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.
                        
         Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree
         and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and
         raises it up, his aim set at Artie.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Aaaahhhh!
                        
         Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As
         Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break
         his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain
         whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls
         Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious,
         he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets
         go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him,
         and falls to the floor, groaning.
                        
         Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          A new era finally begins!
                        
         The audience cowers.
                        
         Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Now, all of you, bow before your
          king!
                        
         Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ah-hem.
                        
         Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he
         was never really stabbed.
                        
                         SHREK (CONT’D)
          You need to work on your aim.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113.
                        
                        
                        
         Charming is stunned.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          This was supposed to be my happily
          ever after.
                        
         Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs
         him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet.
                        
         He winces, but is still defiant.
                        
                         SHREK
          Well I guess you need to keep
          looking…
                        
         Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles.
                        
                         SHREK
          …cause I’m not giving up mine.
                        
         Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She
         casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls
         over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling
         toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses’s
         window.
                        
                         PRINCE CHARMING
          Mommy?
                        
         It crashes down and he’s trapped inside.
                        
         As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie
         stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up.
                        
                         SHREK
          It’s yours if you want it, you
          know, but this time it’s your
          choice.
                        
         Artie considers it.
                        
         He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him.
                        
         Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them.
         They cheer him.
                        
         Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In
         the audience, Raul sobs with joy.
                        
                         ALL
          Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114.
                        
                        
                        
         Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put
         Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and
         Puss, still in each other’s bodies, watch as Artie gets
         carried away.
                        
         In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around
         confused, clutching his show ticket.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Uh, excuse me, that’s my seat.
                        
         Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as
         Donkey and Puss confront him.
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The
          time has come to rectify some
          wrongs!
                        
                         DONKEY
          (in Puss’ body)
          Although I have been enjoying these
          "cat baths."
                        
                         PUSS
          (in Donkey’s body)
          Please say you didn’t.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Uh… alright, alright…look..
                        
         Merlin rubs his hands together.
                        
                         MERLIN
          You’re gonna feel a little pinch,
          and possibly some lower intestinal
          discomfort, but this should do the
          trick.
                        
         Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the
         magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a
         moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other
         cautiously.
                        
                         PUSS
          Are you..?
                        
         Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully.
                        
                         DONKEY
          I’m me again!
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115.
                        
                        
                        
         Puss checks out his own paws.
                        
                         PUSS
          And I am not you!
                        
         Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Alright!
                        
         The two of them turn and walk away together.
                        
         Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his
         eyes grow wide.
                        
                         MERLIN
          Oops. Ah, never mind.
                        
         We see that Donkey still has Puss’ tail and Puss had
         Donkey’s. Merlin slips away.
                        
         Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance.
                        
                         SHREK
          What’d I tell ya? I think the
          kid’s going to be a great King.
                        
                         FIONA
          Well, for what it’s worth, you
          would have too.
                        
         Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona’s belly.
                        
                         SHREK
          I have something much more
          important in mind.
                        
         They kiss.
                        
         The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around
         Shrek and Fiona as they kiss.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING
                        
         A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116.
                        
                        
                        
                        
         INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of
         slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona
         by the fire.
                        
                         SHREK
          Ah, finally.
                        
         Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple
         on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona’s lap.
                        
                         OGRE BABIES
          Da da.
                        
         A third ogre baby appears at Shrek’s feet. He bends down to
         pick him up.
                        
         One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the
         babies and Fiona a hug.
                        
         The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Hey! I smell Shrek Jr.
                        
         The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in
         through the door.
                        
         Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at
         changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby
         goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is
         holding. She smiles at Shrek.
                        
         The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and
         dirty diapers.
                        
         Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his
         mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in
         Puss’ mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes
         crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss’ tail. A tug
         of war ensues.
                        
         The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat
         from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the
         water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs.
                        
                        
                        
         Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre
         laughs.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117.
                        
                        
                        
                         DONKEY
          Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo.
                        
         A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek’s ear. The baby uses
         the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper.
                        
                         QUEEN
          Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy.
                        
         The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes
         and the Queen smiles.
                        
         There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor
         holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk.
                        
         Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey’s mouth.
                        
                         DONKEY
          Hey.
                        
         Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf.
                        
                         NANNY DWARF
          Where’s the baby?
                        
         Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf’s mouth and slams the
         door.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY
                        
         Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made
         out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself.
         The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by,
         spraying mud everywhere.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING
                        
         Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect
         unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third
         baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss.
                        
         Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to
         Fiona.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118.
                        
                        
                        
         Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches
         the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in
         Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on
         her foot and puts the gourd in the baby’s mouth.
                        
         Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps.
         Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A
         Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre
         baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect
         into the fireplace.
                        
         Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed.
                        
                         SHREK
          Well, what shall we do now?
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring.
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A baby starts to cry.
                        
                         SHREK
                         (SIGHS)
          I got it.
                        
         The camera trucks out.
                        
                        THE END