This is the transcript of the 2016 American-Canadian adult computer-animated comedy film Sausage Party.
(The movie begins at a market called Shopwell's where as the shop starts to turn on the lights, a worker wakes up and opens the doors for the customers to come in. A sausage wakes up in its package.)
Frank: Oh, shit. Carl. Carl. Carl, Carl! (Wakes up his sausage brothers.) Dude, we slept in again. The song's about to start!
Carl: Shit, Frank! We can't miss the song. (Wakes up a small sausage.) Barry, wake up!
Barry: What? What? I'm up. I'm up.
Frank: This song is such an awesome way to start every morning.
Carl: It's just a super nice way of showing the gods how much we appreciate everything they'll do for us... once they take us out those doors to the Great Beyond.
Barry: God, I love them so fucking much.
Frank: Oh shit, oh shit! Corn's about to start singing! Drop it, Corn! You got the best voice!
Carl: You're the man, Corn! You rule! Take it away, brah!
(In the bucket full of corn, one corn starts to sing a song called "The Great Beyond")
Corn: Dear gods, you're so divine in each and every way to you we pray.
Lettuce: Dear gods, we pledge our love to you forever more.
Caramel Corn: We always felt we had a special bond.
Lollipop: Take us to the Great Beyond...
Cola: Where we're sure Nothing bad happens to food.
Cheese: Once we're out the sliding doors, things will all be grand.
Milks: We will live our dreams together in the Promised Land.
Bags of Chips: The gods control our fate so we all know we're in good hands.
Fruits: We're super sure there's nothing shitty Waiting for us in the Great Beyond
Sodas: And every aisle Thinks something different
Honey Mustard: Holy shit, I've been chosen!
Multiple foods: But to this we all agree
Honey Mustard: Booyah, bitches, I'm out of here!
Country Cider: Everyone else is fuckin' stupid
Except for those who think like me
Cookies: And me!
Peppers: And me!
Teriyaki Sauce: And me!
Soya sauce: Out there, for all eternity we'll meditate. How fucking great!
Earl Grey Teabags: Out there, we'll get to tea-bag every day at 4! Pip! Pip!
Greek Olives: We'll shove pimentos up our ass, by Zeus!
Sauerkraut: We'll exterminate the juice
Und subjugate the whole damn Great Beyond
Sausages: In here
We keep our wieners in our packages
That's how it is
Buns: It sucks
But that's the way
Our buns keep fresh and pure
Sausages: But once we're out the doors
It's not a sin
Buns: For us to let you
Slip it in
Sausages: In other words
We finally get to fuck
Buns: And love
Sausages: And fuck,
Buns: and hug,
Sausages: and fuck,
Buns: And feel,
Sausages: and fuck
Buns: and share
Rye Bread: The gods will always care for us!
Boxes: They won't squeeze us out their butts
Multiple foods: We cannot overstate How confident we are That our beliefs are accurate And nothing awful happens to us In the Great Beyond
Honey Mustard: Kiss my brownish-yellow ass! I'm going to the Great Beyond, motherfuckers!
Cashier: We need an extra cashier to the front, please.
Frank: Boo and yah, motherfuckers. Red, White and Blue Day is tomorrow!
Carl: Dudes, basically every single sausage gets chosen on Red, White and Blue Day.
Frank: By this time tomorrow, we're all gonna be 5 inches deep in some bun, son. Ba-bam.
Barry: Oh, my God, yes.
Troy: (Chuckles) More like 3 inches deep for Barry, you deformed nerd.
Barry: (Laughs sarcastically) Troy, that's funny. You see, this is why I can't wait for the Great Beyond. We'll all be equal, and then jerks like Troy won't be picking on me all the time... on account of my abnormality.
Troy: Whatever, Barry. You're different, and that makes you weird.
Frank: Ignore that prick, Barry. He's full of shit. And don't forget, you've got girth. That's way more important than length. You're a fucking champ.
Barry: You know, I am girthy. I could fill a bun. They'll know I'm there. I'm sure there's some kind of smushed bun out there waiting for me.
Frank: Shit, it's the Dark Lord!
Carl: Oh, no. He's coming.
Bavarian Sausage: No, wait! I'm still fresh. I swear! I'm still fresh!
Carl: Did he see us?
Frank: No way.
Troy: We're fucked, bros!
Barry: Oh, God, no!
Carl: Take anyone but us, please!
Other sausages from a different package #1: Oh, no!
Other sausages from a different package #2: No!
Other sausages from a different package #3: No!
Other sausages from a different package #4: No! No!
Other sausages from a different package #5: Why us?!
'Darren: Fuck you, weinies. (tosses the package into the trash) Fuck, I hate this fucking job!
Carl: Ah, phew. You okay? Everyone okay?
Frank: Man, That's super fucked up about Bill and those guys. I mean, they stayed in their package, followed all the guidelines of the song. What do they get for it?
Barry: We're not supposed to understand the will of the gods, Frank. They work in mysterious ways.
Frank: I'm just saying since we base our lives on the song, it might be nice if there was some proof.
Carl: Proof? All the proof you need is right in front of you. Look at these big old buns. Yeah! You know it, baby. Work those buns! All of you. All day, "err" day. Lined up, waiting to get filled with my meat.
Brenda: Right, Carl. You really think any of these buns will line up to get filled by you? Here's my impression of that: "Oh, is he in there yet? I can't feel him. I don't think he's in there. Oh, wait. He is." It's so sad. I bet you jackrabbit for a quick 15 seconds. You're like; And then you slump over. (Carl glares at her.) I mean, honestly, guys... who in this package would ever let Carl get up in them? (One of the buns raises her hand.) Huh? Roberta, put your fucking hand down. You're ruining my joke. See? Nobody. That's who.
Carl: Hey, dude, I don't know how to say this to you gently, but your girlfriend, um... she's a fucking cunt.
Frank: Shut up. She's fresh as fuck, and you know it.
Carl: I don't know why you're limiting yourself to one bun. There's plenty of buns.
Frank: Because I believe in bunogomy. I'm a bunogamist. And when a bun this fresh is into you, all you ask is when and how deep. And the answer is: As soon as we get to the Great Beyond, and as deep as she'll fucking let me. I'm gonna talk to her. Hey, Brenda. What up, girl? (chuckles) Sorry about those guys. Such fucking dicks, right?
Carl: I can hear you, dude.
Frank: Shut up. Fuck you. So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? (chuckles)You and me, finally gonna be official.
Brenda: I'm so happy the gods put our packages together.
Frank: It's because we belong together.
Brenda: It's like we were made for each other.
Frank: I can't wait to finally just get up in there. Just raw-dog it. But, full disclosure, I'm pretty fucking nervous about this. I don't know how well I'll perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun before, so...
Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank: Oh, sweet fucking fuck. Look, okay, I know it's against the rules, but I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Both: Just the tips?
Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.
Frank: I know. We're so naughty.
Brenda: But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
Frank: No. No, no, no, no.
Frank: Oh, yeah, go in. Put it in there.
Brenda: Big tip.
Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.
Speaker: Management to Cash 5. Management to Cash 5.
Customer: Excuse me, I meant to buy a normal mustard and when I got home, I realized I bought honey mustard. Is it cool if I just go swap it?
Casher: I don't give a flying fuck, homeboy.
Ketchup: Holy shit! You're back, man. Crazy! Did you go to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: (shaken and irrational) Don't touch me, man! Ketchup, get your fucking hands off me.
Ketchup: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened?
Honey Mustard: (hysterical) Oh, I'll tell you what fucking happened. I'll tell you exactly what happened in the Great Beyond, you dumb, red piece of shit!
Ketchup: What the f...?!
Honey Mustard: As soon as we got out those doors... (looked up to see an Indian Native-esque liquor named Firewater stood among plants on the isle)
Firewater: So you have learned the terrible truth. Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I will slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.
Honey Mustard: Oh, my God! Did you guys just fucking hear that?
Ketchup: What? What are you looking at?(Firewater is already gone upon glancing where the liquor supposedly stood at)
Honey Mustard: He's gone. Where the fuck did he go? I'm so fucked up. (sobs) I'm so fucked up. Ketchup, get the fuck off of me. Nobody fucking touch me!
Cashier: Attention, shoppers. The store is closing in five minutes. Get out!
Frank: Hey, hey, hey, look at this. We fucking got one. Stand up straight, boys!
Sausages: Hey! Over here! Choose us!
Potato: We're chosen!
Frank: Pick us! Pick our package!
Barry: Oh, man. I'm freaking out. My heart's racing. I'm having an out-of-sausage experience. Yes!
Brenda: Choose us! Look at us!
Frank: Oh, please, god.
Brenda: Choose us. Look at us! Oh, yes!
Frank: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Brenda: Yes! Frank, we've been chosen together.
Frank: Fucking A! Yeah!
Brenda: This is so cool!
- I'm chosen! I got chosen!
- Going to the Promised Land!
I'm on my way!
Douche: Yo! Oh, fuck, yeah, dude. Somebody call a doctor because, honestly, this beat is sick.
Beet: Actually, I feel great. Real healthy.
Douche: Not you, the beat. The song, bro. Oh, shit, Chips!
Douche: C-H-I-P-S, Chips, Chips, Chips. I've known you forever. I would never disrespect you with a lie. I will tell you very much that you look fucking disgusting, bro.
Chips: Oh, come on.
Douche: No, I'm just messing with you, bro. But for reals? You gotta hit the gym, bro. Oh, what's up? Yo, are you pink all the way through?
Cocktail Mixer: Ew.
Douche: (laughs) I'm fucking with you, but also serious. Is there a different color inside?
Cocktail Mixer: (grunts) What are you, even?
Douche: What do you mean, what am I, dude? I'm a fucking douche! You know how long I've been waiting up in this motherfucker? I was starting to worry the gods didn't want douches no more, but look at her. (gazing at Camille's groin) She's a fucking 10, bro. The G-O-D is D-T-D... dude. Down to douche.
Camille Toh: Lavash, sausages... Oh, honey mustard. (Grabs Honey Mustard who weeps.)
Honey Mustard: (hysterical) What? No. This can't be happening. Not again. Oh, Jesus, not to me. Motherfuck. Get your hands off of me. Get off of me!
Beer: Fecking gobshite!
Cocktail Mixer: Back off!
Honey Mustard: You don't even know what you're celebrating. You're celebrating your doom! Wake up! They're lying to your fucking faces! THE GREAT BEYOND IS BULLSHIT! Why isn't anybody listening to me?!
Frank: Hey, buddy, are you all right?
Honey Mustard: No, I'm not all right. It's all a lie. Everything you've been told. Everything you believe in.
Carl: Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. What is he? Honey? ls he mustard? Like, make up your mind or just kill yourself.
Honey Mustard: You fucking idiots! I've been there. I've seen that shit, and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Frank: Wait, you've been to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: "Great," my asshole! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of shit, jacking off in our fucking faces, covering our eyes with their come, so come-covered we can't fucking see! We don't know! We don't know they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!
Brenda: Shut up. The gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
Honey Mustard: They ain't gods. They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. (double flips off Camille who doesn't notice him anyway) FUCK YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
Frank: Whoa, just chill. Just get down from the fucking... (screams as he desperately tore himself out of the package and grabs Honey Mustard's legs at the last moments, but unable to hoist either of them.)
Carl: Oh, shit! He's out of the package!
Frank: Barry, help!
Barry: Oh, fuck, Carl, what do we do?
Carl: I don't know! I can't reach him. I'm giving it everything I have.
Hot Dog Bun: (seeing Brenda performing the same) Brenda. Oh, my God! Brenda's out of the package!
Brenda: I got ya! Hold on! Hold on!
Frank: I can't hold on! My little glove! It's slipping off!
Honey Mustard: Look at you, following all their rules. You have no idea what's coming.
Frank: What is that in reference to? What's coming? Be more specific, please!
Honey Mustard: You want proof? Talk to Firewater. That bastard bottle of booze seems to know what's going on.
The shopping cart jerked a little. Which frank accidentally let's go of honey Mustard.
Honey Mustard: [Laughs] "landed on the floor, died instantly"
Plums: Oh, my God. Did you see that?
"Another costumer crashed his shopping cart with Camille Toh Shopping cart."
Lavash: Donkey fucker!
Douche: Oh, no. Bro! Douche down! I'm out of my fucking box!
Chicken noodle soup: Cream of Mushroom? Are you there?
Peanut butter: Wake up! I'm nothing without you!
Brenda: Get up! We gotta go!
Brenda: Frank! Move your fucking ass!
'Oh' my God!
Chips: I can't!
Douche: Come on, Chips! It's you and me, bro! Gotta use your cardio, bro! Come on! Pump those legs!
"Chips has been popped by the cart, releasing chips everywhere as if they were bullets. Two Marshmallows where shredded by the potato chips. Chocolate Milk Carton was Sliced open with the potato chips, the milk bleeding out. Two Grapes was hit with a potato chip, one sliced in half, one hit in the face."
Lavash: Oh, my God!
Frank: Look out! Get to the wall!
Camille Toh: Hey. I... Sorry, I accidentally dropped a few things back there. Except for that douche. I don't know whose that is.
Darren: (Turns on intercom) Cleanup on Aisle 2. This MILF dropped a douche.
Camille Toh: Oh. "MILF." Thank you so much. (chuckles)
Barry: Oh, fuck. Frank! Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, no. Frank.
Troy: Well, Barry, I guess now you're weird and a pussy. Add that to your list of accomplishments. (They all laugh except Carl)
Douche: No, no, no. Wait, babe, wait.
Please hold up. No, don't go.
Come on. I can still get up in there!
I could still...
get up in there.
Oh, my God.
My nozz! My motherfucking nozz!
Frank: You okay?
Brenda: I think so.
Douche: Yo, did you two do this to me? Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly fucked up?
Frank: Whoa, whoa, easy, man. Easy.
Brenda: Yeah, your nozzle's bent. Sorry. You should be happy you're alive.
Frank: Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off.
Peanut Butter's wife is dead. Look at him. He's right there.
Peanut Butter: JELLLLYYY!!! I'm gonna fix you. I'm gonna fix this.
Douche: You think I give a fuck about PB or J? Fuck this. I'm gonna kick your ass. How you like them apples?
Apples: Who, us?
Douche: No, not you. Come at me, bros.
Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?
Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well, then, guess who's coming at you. Me. [Yells]
Brenda: Look out!
Cashier: Attention, shoppers. The store's closed.
Frank: You saved me!
Brenda: Well, yeah. Had to do something.
Frank: I can't believe you got out of your package. You would have gone to the Great Beyond. You'd be there right now.
Brenda: There is no Great Beyond without you, Frank.
Frank: Well, according to Honey Mustard, there might not be a Great Beyond at all.
Brenda: Frank, don't say that!
Frank: Did you hear what he said?
Brenda: Yeah, yeah, I heard him talking about the gods...all over our faces, and then I saw him die. Oh, no. What if the gods are doing this to us because we touched tips?
Frank: What? No! There's no way.
Brenda: "Just the tips." What were we thinking? It wasn't even that... I mean, it was fine. It's not like anyone writes home and says, Oh, God, I had the best tip."
Lavash: Get away from me. Don't touch me. It was you. You cocksucking bagel fuckface!
Box of cereal: Hey! Watch it!
Lavash: You pushed me out of the cart. No surprise there, huh? A bagel trying to kill a lavash, once again.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: I pushed you? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda. Even that I didn't push, you know. I pretty much passive-aggressively nudge. I reached out in a panic. It was toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me.
Brenda: I was just trying to save Frank.
Lavash: Who is Frank? You?
Frank: Yeah, I'm Frank.
Lavash: The fault is yours, then, huh?
Frank: I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Lavash: Well, it did. And now you and your stupid, useless bun have fucked us all.
Brenda: Hey, who you calling useless, you flappy fuck?
Lavash: Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this meshuggener cunt here.
Brenda: Hi, I'm Brenda. Brenda Bunsen.
Lavash: Oh, wow. Really? Well, fuck all of you! I am Kareem Abdul Lavash! And what I currently care about is that I have been... completely and utterly fucked out of being in the Great Beyond. I am to have 77 bottles of extra-virgin olive oil... waiting for me. I am destined to soak up their sweet juices... as they dribble down my flaps.
Brenda: Okay. Look, guys, here's what I'm thinking. We hurry back to our aisles. We sneak into another package and still be fresh enough to get chosen.
Frank: Okay, let's climb to the top of the shelf here. And... then we'll get a lay of the land... and we'll figure out where we're going. Come on.
Lavash: As long as the bagel stays away from me, I accept.
Sammy: Oh, believe me, asshole, I'll keep my distance.
Douche: Oh! No disrespect, but you look fucking gross, bro. Look at you. Fucking bent-ass, busted-ass nozz.
(Notices his fluids begin to leak out) Oh, great.
Douche: You're leaking all your juice out. Can I ask you a question, me? Why would a god let you up in her smooth, perfect sliz... when you can't even squirt? You got nothing to squirt! I got no purpose. I'm nothing!
Juicebox: Oh, God. Is someone there? Help me, someone. Help me. Help me. Help.
Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh, bro? And right out of your fucking dingle. Fucking sucks, right?
Juicebox: Dying. So cold.
Douche: Oh. Uh-oh. Light bulb.
Douche: No, not fucking you, dummy. I think I might be forming some beginnings of what could be the flower that blossoms into an idea. If you fucking tell anyone about this, I'm gonna deny it, bro. Fuck. This is some next-level shit, dude. You fucking like that? I'm juicing up!
(Douche's nozzle becomes straight once again and cackles)
I'm like a full-on juicehead now, bro.
(Notices the juice beginning to leak but laughs and tears the 'Juiced Up' sticker off the juicebox and slaps it onto his gash. Douche then proceeds to tear the drained juicebox in half)
Douche: I got a new purpose now. Revenge! Where's that fucking sausage? Because this douche is DTFSU. Down To Fuck a Sausage Up! I'm coming for you!
Lavash: First you come into our aisle and occupy more and more shelf space.
You even have settlements now on the west shelf that you claim as your own.
Sammy: Oh, look, it's not our fault we needed a homeland. The sauerkraut kicked us out of every decent aisle. They tried to send us to the barbeque section, for God's sake. We were displaced.
Lavash: Don't you talk to me about displacement! My good friend Tabouli was ousted from his shelf just to make room for that braided idiot, Challah.
Sammy: Wow, I can't... Frank, Brenda, come on, are you guys gonna weigh in here? I mean, whose side are you on? This isn't just about me. I mean, first they come for the bagels...
Frank: I don't know. Isn't there room for both of you? It seems like a pretty big aisle.
Sammy: (laughs) Yeah. Both, sure.
Lavash: [laughs] What a dumb fucking sausage! Like we can coexist!
Sammy: That's good material.
Lavash: Room for both of us!
Frank: Holy shit.
Brenda: Holy fucksticks. We are "ray-ray" far from home.
Frank: Liquor aisle. Firewater. From here, it seems like the best route is probably to go through the liquor aisle. So shall we?
Brenda: What? It kind of seems out of the way. Are you sure?
Frank: Yeah. Totally sure.
Brenda: Okay, because the way you're saying it doesn't sound like you're too confident.
Frank: Oh. Uh, yeah, trust me.
Brenda: Oh, okay, there we go.
Who wants to dance now!
Come on, let's rock!
Holy shit. Look at this place.
It's fucking crazy!
Are you seeing this? They're all out
of their packages. What are they doing?
This is a place of unparalleled sin!
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Didn't see you there. Sorry.
Don't mind me. Just minding
my own business. Just passing through.
Welcome to the aisle. Wanna dance?
No, thank you, mon. I'm quite irie...
just being left alone over here,
don't you know?
Oh, boy. That was Irish.
What a crazy coincidence!
This is Firewater's cave!
This is what Honey Mustard
was talking about. We should go.
Okay, yeah, great.
You go do that.
I'll just be out here
dry-humping this 40-ouncer.
Not! Yeah, I said "not."
That's how serious I am. We can't piss the
gods off any more than we already have.
Okay, I totally get
you don't wanna go in there.
I'll tell you what. I'll go in super-duper
fast, in and out, I'll be five minutes.
Fine. Five minutes. Be fast.
- Mostly fast. We have to go.
- Thank you. You're the best.
I'll meet you at the end of the aisle.
- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Hiya, how are ya?
Frank: Hiya. How are ya? I'm Frank. Are you Firewater?
Frank: What are you doing in this cave?
Firewater: (Makes hand gestures which relate to what he tells Frank) I am the original inhabitant of this land.
My kind once had a pristine aisle.
Majestic and untouched.
Then we were driven out of it...
by a bunch
of goddamn fucking crackers!
Frank: Oh, yeah. The crackers.
They do have a nice aisle.
Okay, anyway, look. I was told that
you might have some answers?
Firewater: Answers I have.
But first... (Grabs salt off of Salt Shaker's head and tosses it into his bonfire, causing a gust of smoke to explode into a giant question mark)
I must know the question.
Frank: Okay. Well, before I saw him
jump to his death...
Honey Mustard said the Great Beyond
is bullshit and the gods are monsters.
And I always kind of thought
that it didn't quite add up.
So I guess my question is, what really
happens in the Great Beyond?
Firewater: To find that which you seek...
all you must do is look deep...
into my bag of wonderment.
I don't see anything.
Put your whole head in the bag there.
There you go.
Frank: Just say when.
I'm just gonna keep going in.
Firewater: Guys! Get out here!
Help me kill this prick!
???: This motherfucker knows
too much. We gotta off his ass!
Firewater: Someone hand me
a blade. I'll gut this cocksucker!
???: No! If we kill him,
we are no better than the gods.
Firewater: Ah... He is right.
Take off the bag of wonderment.
Frank: Who are you?
Mr. Grits: We the nonperishables, motherfucka!
Twinks: We never expire.
Firewater: We are... immortal.
This here's Twink and Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?
Firewater: Yeah, I told him.
You don't even wanna hear
what they did to Mr. Grits over here.
Mr. Grits: Fuck the crackers.
I'm gonna fuck them crackers right in the crack of they cracker asses.
Frank: Well why were you going to kill me?
All I did was ask what happens... in the Great Beyond.
Jeez! What's the big whoop?
Mr. Grits: We can't tell this sausage motherfucker the truth. We just met his ass.
Twinks: He basically knows it already.
Maybe it's time to end this.
Firewater: I am tired of all of the lies.
For you're about to learn...
the terrible truth. Does anybody
want a hit before we get into this? Twink?
Twinks: Nah, I'm cool.
Mr. Grits: Shit, if we smoking, I'll hit it. That's what I thought.
Pass the weed, motherfucker.
Goddamn! Whoo! Whoo! This indica?
Firewater: Nah, man. Sativa.
It's good shit. Clean high.
Frank: Oh, no, thanks.
Firewater: Trust me. What you're about to hear, you'll want some.
I know. Where is he?
Looks like you got ditched, bun. (chuckles)
He wouldn't ditch me, dumbass.
He's my boyfriend. I mean...
we touched T-I-Ps. (chuckles)
We touched tips
Just the tips
Oh, we touched our tips
Sorry, I don't know why I'm singing.
Sometimes I get nervous
And I'll sing!
Vash: Maybe that's why he ditched you.
Your loose morals are revolting, tip-toucher!
Brenda: You don't think that because I'm out of the package he thinks I'm not pure?
God. I didn't want to say it,
but I do have that not-so-fresh feeling.
Tequila: Excuse me.
Are you a bun?
Yeah, I am. Why?
Tequila: And you've been traveling with a sausage?
Brenda: Yes! Yes, I have! Have you seen him?
Tequila: I have! He's looking for you in my aisle.
He's right this way.
I can take you to him, chica.
I take you to him real good.
All right, vamonos. Let's go.
I am to be trusted.
Yeah. This has a nice
south-of-the-border vibe. Heh.
Okay, you go over there and you sit at the bar right there, okay?
You can't move a muscle, okay?
I'll be right back, all right?
Teresa: And bless me, Santa Chimichanga, and protect me from the Dark Lord. Amen.
Brenda: Oh, sorry.
Teresa: (gasps) The bun.
The one he's been searching for.
(looks at Brenda's behind) And she's beautiful.
Brenda: Is it me or is everyone looking at us?
Brenda: Oh, hi. It's nice to meet...
Teresa: Shh. Don't look at me. Eyes forward. Act natural.
Brenda: Oh, okay.
Teresa: Listen, my name is Teresa Del Taco.
And you are in grande danger.
This is a trap!
You must to come with me. Now!
Tequila: All right. I got them right here, amigo. I... Shit!
Vash: Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy: My nose out of your crotch?
Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey. Why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh. He's coming.
Teresa: The one they call... El Douche.
Tequila: El Douche! El Douche!
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So you drag me over to this fucking aisle with all these illegal products... and now I don't see them. So where the fuck are they? Spill the beans!
Douche: Beans, I swear to fucking God, if you don't... shut the fuck up...
Brenda: Oh, no. He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here.
Douche: What part of: "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me... and if I find out that you didn't come and get me... or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll fucking kill your asses"... did you not understand, Tequila?
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know? I mean, this is... This happens, you know?
Douche: Bro, come here. No, it's fine.
It's cool. No biggie.
I'm not gonna do something fucked up to you now as soon as I get you in close.
(He yells and smashes Tequila against the bar counter, shattering him)
Salsa: No way, Jose!
Douche: Yes way. Jose's fucking dead, yo. (lifts Tequila's head above him and drinks the dripping tequila liquids, causing his muscles to increase once more)
(Douche then tosses Tequila's head at El Guaco's groin, causing him to grasp it in deep pain)
El Guaco: (exclaims) Right in my guac and balls.
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you...
unless you find the sausage and the bun.
Teresa: Por aca, por aca, this way. The coyotes used this tunnel to smuggle some of us out of the aisle... in hope of a better life. We will do the same.
Firewater: It's good shit, isn't it?
Frank: Okay, okay, I'm super baked. My friends are probably wondering where the hell I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
Firewater: Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... we invented it!
Firewater: I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill our asses.
Frank: What, are you crazy? That doesn't make any sense. Why would the gods kill us?
Firewater: Because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives them more power, and it's never enough. (showing a picture depicting human race's evolution from their primitive ancestors to overweighted modern man) Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy. I mean, fuck.
Frank: You guys are fucking nuts. How much of that shit have you been smoking?
Firewater: Too much is how much. We blaze for real, 24/7. No joke. But we also know our shit. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. (as he spoke, we are brought to traditional, hand drawn cartoon depiction of flashback of Shopwell's dark times in the past, showing many foods are helpless upon being bought by human customers that looked horrifying and demonic) Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. (the scene shift to the trio who scheme the concept of Great Beyond, with hellish look of men's kitchens turned into a Heaven-esque land the Great Beyond supposed to be) So we, the nonperishables, created a story. The story of the Great Beyond. A place where the gods care for you... and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy instead of shitting themselves.
Frank: Wait, wait. So you're telling me you wrote the song?
Firewater: I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink is my lyricist. We both drop it right and we drop it all the time. Boom. The melody came to me one night... when I was getting super, super, super baked. Like fuck-a-guy baked. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, he does.
The song had a great hook and it caught on. You know.
In time, everyone accepted this false truth.
But over the years, things started to get a little fucky.
The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views.
Fucking with Twink's lyrics. Remixing my shit without my permish.
Now every morning when I hear the song, I'm like: "What the fuck are you guys saying?!" Wasn't there a part about exterminating juice? I didn't write that! I love juice! Always have. Juice are hilarious. Who the fuck do these guys think they are?
Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
Frank: So that means Carl and Barry are dead?
Firewater: I don't know who those dudes are. But if they went out those doors?
Mr. Grits: Dead as a motherfucker.
Frank: Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I gotta tell everyone!
Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank: I have to try. Everyone will die otherwise.
Firewater: Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Fuck me, right?
Frank: Wait, do you guys have any proof of this?
Twinks: Go to the Dark Aisle. Beyond the ice.
Frank: Why? What's in that aisle?
Twinks: Oh, you'll see. But I warn you... once you see that shit... it'll fuck you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! (gives Frank a quick peck on the lips before running back to his buddies and he giggles)
Firewater: Hey, Grits. Pack another bowl, will you? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.
(Cuts to Camille's kitchen, where she places her groceries on the counter and then pulls her pants to fix the wedgie caused by her massive camel toe)
Camille Toh: Shit. I really needed that douche.
Carl: Holy shit, we're actually here! Come on, Barry, you're missing it, man! Dude, get in on this shit.
Barry: God, what have I done? Frank needed my help, but I wasn't there for him. After all the times he stood up for me, you know. God, I'm such a fearful coward. He'll never forgive me. I'll never forgive me.
Carl: Look, Barry, the only way to respectfully honor Frank... is to completely forget about him.
Carl: And, hey, for all we know, he's okay.
He's probably headed back to our aisle
and he'll be here tomorrow.
Just act happy. Ignore your feelings.
Come on, let's see that smile. Ah.
I see that lip curling up.
Oh, there you go! Whoo!
Barry: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. We're in the Great Be-frigging-yond. (whooping)
Troy: Get ready, boys! We's about to fills what we need to fills. (Camille Toh opens the package as Carl sighs loudly) Feel that breeze. Carl, do you feel that?
Carl: This feels amazing. (Troy howls) - Whoo-hoo!
Cheese: Oh, yeah.
We're out of the package.
It's beautiful, man.
It's just beautiful! I'm crying!
I'm crying because it's so pretty here!
Stretch your legs with me, Carl.
Just do it, man.
Potato: Oh, yes! Yes!
I'm the first to enter eternity!
Carl: Potato! Way to go, buddy! That's my guy!
Potato: Being bathed by the hands of a god! (singing) Oh, Danny Boy... The pipes, the pipes are call... (all of sudden, the moon is covered by dark clouds as the scene's background turned red as blood and Potato's stomach gets sliced off) Ack! JESUS FUCK!
All groceries: (Screams as Potato continues to get his skin sliced off)
Potato: (in agony) Oh! God, me skin! She's peelin' me fuckin' skin!
Carl: What. The! FUCK?!
Potato: (about to be put in a pot full of boiling water) Jesus, you fuckin' whore! Me eyes! (holding his eyes that cooked by the steam) THEY BURN! (gurgles and dies as Camille Toh closed the pot.
Camille Toh: (Glares on potato demonically as she raise her knife upwards like an executioner raises his axe.)
Tomato: No! Please, no! I have got a famiglia! (Camille slammed her knife like an executioner's axe, slicing Tomato into half. She then tossed four bacons to a pan full of boiling oil to frying them that one of them had one of his eyes violently popped. A cabbage had his eyes gouged as he torn apart, and Cheese had his head grated to death)
Cheese: (in agony as his head grated to his death with grated pieces of his head rains the horrified nachos) No! No!
Carl: Cheese! You don't deserve that!
Nachos: (scream to their death as they microwaved alive with heated grated cheese burns through their cooked corpses.)
Oh, no! No!
For the love of shit, run!
Camille Toh: Whoops!
Baby Carrot: I want my mommy!
Carl: They're eating children! FUCKING CHILDREN! (Notices the open window, seeing that as a sign for freedom) We gotta run!
'Barry: (Shouting fearfully) We're all gonna die!
Carl: Barry! (slaps him) Snap the fuck out of it and run!
Okay, little buddy.
Jump on the count of three.
Barry: Carl? (Carl groans)
"Gar babar" what?
What are you saying, Carl?
Oh! Oh, God. No!
No! Oh, God! Carl!
Carl! Dear sweet Carl.
What have they done to you, Carl?
I fall out of the cart, then I lose Frank, now I'm being hunted by a douche.
The gods must be punishing me, don't you see?
This is what I get for giving in
to my disgusting urges.
I'm such a whore.
Teresa: Sweet bun, I must admit I too sometimes have urges... impure thoughts. We all do.
Oh, good. That actually makes me feel a little better.
-We must never give in to them.
-That's the opposite...
- of what I thought you'd say.
The gods are always watching, even when we cannot see them.
You think it's too late for me?
Do not worry, bun. I will get you home.
Brenda: Can I ask why you're helping me?
Teresa: When I saw you, I felt inside myself a tingling-lingling sensation.
I am sure it was the gods telling me to help you.
It was as though I saw myself in you.
Brenda: Yeah. Yeah, I guess
I kind of see myself in you too.
I mean, look at our shapes.
You know, you're sideways.
But still, you're kind of like me.
A thin, brittle version of me.
Vash: Or another way of looking at it is you're a fat, ugly version of her.
Brenda: All right. That's not necessary.
Douche: That's no way to treat a lady.
Brenda: Oh, fuck!
Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here? A taco, a whiny doughnut... and some stupid floppy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is. Okay, so...
Queso: Did someone say "Queso"?
Douche: Fucking stretch, and you know you it, Queso! So where was I? Oh, right. I was about to beat on you most viciously... - and in my opinion appropriately... - Oh! To find the whereabouts... of the sausage who destroyed my body and my... - Fucking... -
Brenda: Run for your lives!
Douche: Fuck, that hurts so much! Oh! Run! Oh, he's coming at us! Hurry! - Guys, I'm stuck! - (Douche yells) Ay, my bunny-bun!
Vash: I told you she was too fat.
Brenda: I heard that!
Teresa: Come on, honeybun, suck it in. - (Bellows) - He's coming, he's coming. - [Douche roars] Eso duele, get the butter!
Douche: Fuck! Stuck! You gotta be kidding me, dude!
Teresa: (Speaking Spanish) Son of a bitch!
Brenda: Yeah! What she said!
Teresa: (Speaks Spanish) Let's not start eating each other's boxes just yet.
We are still not safe here. Let's go!
Brenda: Screw you!
I'm gonna get you, my pretty! I'm gonna get you and your little sausage too!
Go fuck yourself, El Douche.
Ay, Santa Chimichanga...
I promise to be a good taco.
Shit, shit, shit!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
What do I do?
I'm all alone.
I'm a coward and I'm all alone.
I fucked over Frank, Carl's dead and I'm all alone.
This is what I get for being a pussy.
Oh, no, a god!
Sir, I'm sorry to wake you.
I'm a fellow sausage in distress.
My name's Barry, it's a pleasure to meet you.
What's your name?
No, no, no!
I begged them to stop, but they just wouldn't.
First, the gods stretched me till it hurt.
Then they went inside me and then...
And then...THE SPERM!
- (Barry gasps)
Look at me.
Look at me!
They... They feel no remorse.
Oh, God, oh, God! What's the point
of even living anymore?
I might as well just die. (He starts to cry as a human druggie walks to the drug dealer then drops the bag of Shopwell's) Home.
Maybe this god can get me home.
Hey, man, be careful with this.
Bath salts are the real deal.
People been seeing some crazy shit.
I can warn Frank.
Here goes everything!
Brenda! Oh, Brenda, there you are!
- Ah! You feel so good.
I was afraid you left me
because I wasn't fresh.
I was attacked by a douche.
He's trying to kill us!
Douche? Oh, my God, Brenda!
Are you okay? Did he come at you?
Yes, I'm fine, but it was really scary.
Where have you been?
All right, look, I found out
some pretty major shit.
I met this group of nonperishables
between the shelves, and they told me...
that they invented the Great Beyond
because the gods are evil...
- and they kill us!
But apparently there's proof
in the Dark Aisle beyond the ice.
We gotta go there and check it out!
Don't say that. You're starting to sound
like that whack-job Honey Mustard.
Maybe Honey Mustard
wasn't so crazy after all.
Frank, Frank, stop it.
The gods are already pissed at us.
Please don't make it worse.
Just come on, we have to get home
before it's too late.
Well, Brenda, I can't just do that.
I need to know the truth.
I need to go to the Dark Aisle,
and I want you to come with me.
I can't do that.
- I want you to come home with me.
I can't do that.
Then I don't really know what to do
I don't either.
I don't get how you can just believe stuff
you don't have any proof of.
How come all of a sudden
you only believe if there's proof?
I'm not walking around
with my eyes closed!
What are you saying? I should believe
in nothing? That everything is pointless?
Better than believing bullshit
that you can't explain!
Maybe I don't need to explain it
because it's something I feel.
Well, I feel like that makes it hard
to have a rational conversation.
Eff you, Frank. You know what?
I was wrong before.
There is a Great Beyond without you...
and I'm gonna go there
and fill myself with something else!
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do. I'll fill myself
with a parsnip or a dill pickle.
Maybe even an eggplant.
You couldn't fit an eggplant in there!
It's too big! It'll tear you in half!
Oh, you'd be amazed what I could fit in here.
What the fuck is going on with these two?
Maybe I'll really mix it up. Stick a tube of toothpaste in there, huh?
- Squeeze it all over my face.
- You're just trying to hurt me!
- All over my backside, neck and face.
- I'm not gonna listen!
Brenda! Brenda, okay, look.
Let's just stop this, okay? Okay?
You're my bun.
Oh, don't "You're my bun."
Hey, trust me!
Hey, guys, come over here, follow me!
You're basically saying
you don't care about me.
What?! No, I'm not!
Well, actions speak louder than words,
and your actions, sir, are deafening.
I can't believe I got out of my package
and you won't get back in one for me.
We will tell stories of your idiocy.
Come on, guys, this affects all of us!
Taco Lady. I didn't get your name yet.
What is this place?
Well, everybody told me not to do this.
But fuck everybody.
Because bath salts here I come!
Fuck me! (giggles)
Oh, my God. Ooh.
- What's he doing to himself?
- Oh, yeah.
These bath salts are so good. Ooh.
Oh, it just got better!
Bath salts must be kicking in.
What the fuck?
Please don't kill me!
Please, just wait!
What are you?
Are you some kind of
No, no. No, I'm just Barry.
I'm just Barry.
Wait. You can actually understand me?
And I can actually understand you?
Whoa. The bath salts are showing me
the real world.
It's fucking lifted the
veil of non-reality!
Holy shit! He can actually see us?
Bath salts are just as bad as they said it would be! (exclaims in alarm)
I'm tweaked! I'm tweaking!
Whoa, dude! Just take it easy, just breathe, dude, just breathe.
You're not tweaking, you're just peaking, man.
Just be with me. Be cool.
This wave's gotta crash.
I can't! You're all alive and looking at me with your... With your gloves... and your little shoes and your arms and your legs!
Legs, huh? Look at me.
Look at me. I ain't got no legs, you fuck!
You ate my goddamn legs!
Oh, no, not Mr. Pizza!
Oh, fuck! I've eaten so many of your family members!
I've committed pizza genocide!
Mr. Sausage, when will it end?!
"When will it end"?
When he stops drinking us.
And stops eating us!
- Same here!
- Fuck yeah!
And when he stops using us!
What did he do to you?
You don't wanna fucking know.
Okay, okay. I promise.
I'll never eat food again. I'll just...
I'll just eat dirt and wipe my ass with sticks!
Good. And there's one more thing you're gonna do.
You got it!
I just need to rest my eyes for a few.
I literally can't wait to be home.
I'm so excited, I'm plotzing.
Gefilte Fish will be there. Matzah.
- Wait a minute. You know Hummus?
- Know him?
I'm gonna go so far as to say I consider
Hummus one of my dearest friends.
Really? I too know Hummus!
- And I too consider him a dear friend.
We both like Hummus.
Well, any friend of Hummus is a...
Get the fuck away from me.
What troubles you, sweet Brenda?
It's just Frank.
I can't believe he did this to me.
We were supposed to be together.
He's flawed, as are we all.
But your Frank did say some things
that have stayed with me.
We live our lives with all these rules...
and some of them stop us
from doing the things we want...
causing our deepest urges
to be suppressed...
when they are gathering like wildfire
between our legs!
Did you say "between our legs"?
There it is.
- Look, my homeland!
- Oh, look, my aisle!
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
it's been a sincere sensation.
Goodbye, Brenda Bunson.
Goodbye, Teresa Del Taco.
So long, Bagel.
Traveling with you was...
-Oh, you're so sweet.
Later, you flappy fuck.
Well, Teresa, you've done
as much as you promised.
You got me back to my aisle safely.
I really can't thank you enough.
Look, Brenda, I'm going to come clean.
I have feelings for you I can't deny.
- Crotch feelings.
Sorry. But I'm not a soft taco.
I'm a hard, horny taco.
Oh, you don't have to apologize.
Honestly, if the rules were different,
maybe I'd give it a whirl.
- Don't knock it till you try it, right?
- That's what I'm saying.
But I can't try it.
And therefore, I have to knock it.
It's just not what the gods intended.
Look, there's temptation everywhere.
I see it.
and sexy tacos.
But if there is one thing I've learned
on this journey...
what we want doesn't matter.
You can't disobey the gods.
I'm really sorry.
I'll never forget you.
Hola means "hello."
- Oh. What's the word for "goodbye"?
- How the fuck does this thing work?
I wish this god would wake up already.
How am I supposed to get back
??? Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Barry: What? Who the hell is that?
Oh, only the most intelligent being alive.
I am Sorbitol, Malitol,
Calcium Carbonate, Soy Lecithin...
Vegetable-Derived Glycerin and Talc.
But for expediency's sake,
you can call me...
For 20 years, I was stuck
under the desk of a brilliant scientist.
I was scraped off and discarded...
and eventually found myself
stuck to a shoe that dropped me here.
Your home is a supermarket.
This is but one of many...
as your particular chain
of supermarkets is ever-expanding...
unified by a singular purpose:
To store food and products
for human consumption.
The supermarket in the closest
physical vicinity to us is here.
If the human operates his automotive,
the journey should take 9.8 minutes.
Great. That last part was all you had to say, really. Hey, wake up! Hey! Idiot! Are you hearing me? Dude! It's me, Barry!
What? What? What?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
What the fuck is this doing here?
Oh, yeah. Bath salts.
I can't believe I was actually
talking to you, sausage. (laughs)
God! Tripping balls for three hours
really works up an appetite.
Toilet Paper: Oh, no. This is not good.
Barry: What are you doing?
Gum: The human is no longer aware of the fourth dimension.
Chips: No! No!
Gum: The effects of the opiate have dissipated.
Your speech and movements are imperceptible to him.
We are totally fucked.
Oh, my God.
No! No! Oh, God! (exclaims)
Put me down! No!
Come on, put me down.
Help me! (screams)
Oh, no. It can't end like this.
I have to warn Frank. No. No!
What the fuck is this place?
What the fuck is that?
No, no, no.
I gotta show them.
They need to know how wrong
they all are before it's too late!
Sammy, Bubula, where have you been?
Oh, I'm surprised that savage Lavash
didn't stone you to death.
You had to travel with a bagel?
How much did his dirty hands
steal from you?
What are you doing out of a package?
It's almost Red, White and Blue Day.
Well, you know,
it's a long, pretty sad story, actually...
and I'd rather not get into it
What the fuck are you doing?
- Stop it!
- There we go.
- You're smushing me.
- Help me!
- Perfect fit.
God! Move your fat ass.
I'm fucking jacked up now, bro.
Where's that fucking "sauzeech"?
- Country Club Lemonade.
Lend me your ears of Corn.
I am Frank...
and I am a sausage.
A little sausage
with some pretty big news.
Everything we've been led to believe
is a lie.
When we get chosen by the gods,
they're choosing us for death.
Murder. Automatic expiration.
The Great Beyond is bullshit.
- That's crazy talk!
I know you don't wanna believe it,
but I have proof!
- What is this?
It's... It's murder!
This... This makes no sense.
But what about
the extra-virgin olive oil?
My flaps will be dry for an eternity!
I can't have dry flaps.
I can't! (Ululating)
Okay, whoa, whoa, easy. Guys!
Easy! Look, I have a plan.
We can run.
I can't run. I'll melt.
Okay, then we'll hide.
Where? I'm huge.
- Then we'll fight!
- I ain't fighting alongside fruits!
Whatever, you nutjob.
So we cannot run, we cannot hide...
and we cannot stand up to them
because they're fucking gods...
and they are immortal!
So, basically, there's no hope,
and we're royally fucked!
Hey, guys! You wanna believe that?
- I don't like bad things.
- Me, either.
We choose the more pleasant thing.
Yeah. I mean, what this sausage
is saying, it's just a theory.
No, no, no, it's not a theory,
you morons. It's a fact!
I'm showing you physical evidence.
Open your eyes. Don't be so weak.
Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
You, seor, have no bedside manner.
- I got bedside manner!
- You don't respect anyone else's beliefs.
You intolerant piece of shit.
No, it's starting. No.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on. Sing.
- Do it.
- No! Don't do it, Corn.
- Come on, Larry. You can do it.
Don't you dare fucking do it, Corn.
Don't you fucking do it.
You're so divine in each and every way
To you we pray
We pledge our love to you
Brenda! You gotta get out of there!
No! No, no, no!
No! Brenda! Oh, God.
Where we're sure
Nothing bad happens to food
Once we're out the sliding doors
What's up? I'm Ralph.
Looks like this is happening, huh?
Yeah, I've been working on my moves.
Ever heard of the jackrabbit?
The gods will always care for us
They won't squeeze us out their butts
We cannot overstate
How confident we are
That our beliefs are accurate
And nothing awful happens to us... i '
No! Where is she?
I blew it.
Hey. Doesn't mean
it's too late to redeem yourself.
Take it from me...
Barry? ls this real?
You bet your sweet butthole I am.
- But how?
- I'll tell you how.
The gods can be... Ahem.
The gods can be killed!
- Oh, fucking what the fuck?!
- I know. Look at this fucking guy.
Barry imitating Druggie: I'm a fucking idiot. I'm dead now.
I've been on a bad path for years.
Let me tell you the story
of my stupid fucking death.
Woop. Five-second rule.
And then they figured out how to drive
my car, snuck into an AC vent...
and that pretty much brings us
up-to-date. Get the fuck away from me.
Frank, I'm sorry.
When you guys fell out of that cart,
I could have done something, but I didn't.
Then I did the same thing as...
They killed Carl.
Those fuckers. Did he suffer?
No... Oh, yeah, yeah, he did.
They truly are monsters.
Those monsters are gonna kill Brenda.
She's somewhere out there in a cart.
I tried to warn everyone,
they didn't believe me!
Of course they didn't. You called
them all a bunch of fucking idiots.
You can't just slam their beliefs. You
have to show them there's a better way.
You need to inspire them
like you inspired me.
You need to give them hope.
Hope? How the fuck
are we supposed to give them that?
You got lucky and killed a stupid one.
There's dozens of them down there.
Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Who are you?
I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
His name's Gum. Just introduce
yourself as Gum from now on.
He's great. He's gonna help us
get the upper hand on these fuckers.
Show everyone we can fight back.
Oh, shit. Brenda!
- Brenda! Brenda!
Let's move, boys.
Whew. Kind of stuffy in here, hey, girls?
So I'm just gonna get out,
get a little air for a second.
- What's your problem?
- Let go of me.
First you smush Sally, and then you try to
fuck up Red, White and Blue Day for us?!
Get your hands off me! I gotta get out!
Just chill out, you crazy bitch!
- Bun fight! Check it out.
- They're gonna kill us all!
- Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. We need to hurry.
- The bath salts are primed.
Make it rain.
What the fuck?
All right, who did it?
Gary, did you just throw
this fucking toothpick at me, man?
Nothing happened. You said this
would help us defeat them.
Worked on the dude
whose head we chopped off.
Let go of me! Let go of me!
She's being chosen. We have to act!
Whoa, God. What is happening?
Oh, my God!
There is no way this is gonna work.
Let go of me! Let go of me!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Stay away from my sausage, you skank!
Brenda. Look, I'm so sorry.
I've been dealing with this whole thing incredibly poorly.
You really have.
Honestly, it's been pathetic at times.
But luckily, it's not too late.
You see? There is hope!
Oh, not this guy. No one asked for an encore, asshole.
No, no, don't worry. I got it this time.
This time it's gonna be good.
Look, I'm sorry.
I wasn't respectful of your beliefs... and I acted like I had all the answers, but I don't.
Nobody knows everything.
But what I do know is that together
we can fight these monsters...
and take control of our own lives.
Yes! Our lives and our bodies!
We need to unite and stop focusing
on each other's differences...
especially in immature
and outdated ways.
We have to cooperate...
- Oh, no! Pizza!
- The food's fucking possessed!
- Oh, shit! [screams]
- We're all gonna die! Oh, God!
- It's devil food!
Oh, my God!
The sausage, he was right!
Nobody's gonna help us.
Then this is it.
At least we go out together.
- [yells] Ow! What the...?
- You fuck with them...
You fuck with us, bitch.
Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Hop on, y'all.
- Can't this thing go any faster?
- Suck my pink cock.
Come on, you candy asses.
Join the fight!
Hey, what do you think?
Should we do it?
Come on, guys. It's us or them.
They're doing it.
Yeah! We got him!
- You ready for this?
- I don't know.
It's better to die a free candy
than to live in bondage.
This is gonna hurt so fucking much.
Run, guys, run!
Sergeant Pepper, cue the fruits!
Fruits are a go. Go, fruits!
No. Get away from me,
you fucking fruits!
Yeah, that's it!
Beat him like a piata!
You send my soul sky high
When your lovin' starts
Get the Dark Lord!
Darren: Why do you keep calling me that?! Fuck. Come on. Come on.
Douche: Okay. Not exactly what I was looking for, but fuck it, you know. Hole's a hole, bro. (laughs)
Darren: Wait, snap out of it, man. Slap yourself in the face, man. Oh, man, you lost your mind. No way. This isn't real. No, this can't be real.
Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
Darren: What? Ahh. A talking douche.
Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
Darren: No, no! This is too much. This is too much.
Douche: Breathe, man. We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling like honestly the two of us could, like, collaborate together. Like a mash-up, bro.
Darren: A mash-up? I don't understand. What's happening? Douche: You don't need to understand. You just need to relax and open wide.
Darren: Wait. What are you doing?!
(Douche shoves his nozzle up Darren's anus)
Douche: Oh, yeah!
Darren: Dude! That went up my ass!
Douche: (laughs) Now, stand up. (Yanks on Darren's scrotum)
Darren: Turn right. Left. (cackles) Yeah!
Frank: Sausages and buns, let's party!
Ah! Call 911! OW! (Cries out)
Huge mistake, bros.
Oh, no. Oh!
Frank: Brenda! (guffaws)
Frank: Barry! (Barry screams)
Douche: Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you. (Prepares to punch Douche but Darren grabs him) (yells) Oh!
Douche: Okay, we got him, easy now. Easy now.
Darren: Well it's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact... that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! (The scene turns right to reveal a bottle of ketchup, mustard, and a jar of relish gathered together in fear) Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. (laughing evilly) I sucked a juicy box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole. And this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro. (Bites Frank on his left side.)
Frank: (Screams in agony)
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit; Gods do, bro. (In a thundering voice) I'M A FUCKING GOD!
Darren: Goodbye, little sausage. (Aims his magnum at Frank, preparing to shoot him)
Brenda: Oh, Frank.
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
Frank: Help me!
Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance. (Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly killing him. The wound then regenerates similar to the Terminator) Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
(Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks, but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching)
Douche: Fuck! (Drops Frank)
(Frank screams as he is about to fall onto the sharp ends of broken beer bottle, but Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto a shelf. Darren then sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet in a Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can.)
Douche: What's happening out there?!?!
(Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path)
Can: So long, asshole! (Flips Darren the middle finger.)
(The cart then passes by Sammy and Vash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky.)
Peanut: (While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory.) Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. We fucking won! (Laughing)
(All the food in the store cheer in victory as they have won the war against the 'gods')
Tampon: Ew. (As she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously.)
(Cut to Frank and Brenda viewing the battlefield)
Frank: We did it.
Brenda: We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank: Whatever we want. (Chuckles) What do you want?
Brenda: Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: (In a singing voice.) just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips...
(Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays)
("With these hungry eyes, one look at you and I can't disguise, I've got...")
Brenda: Oh! Oh, Frank!
(Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him)
Sammy: You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
Vash: Then don't just watch. (Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused)
Sammy: Wait a second. What are you doing?
Vash: I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Vash: So, maybe, you know...
Sammy: Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
Vash: You wanna kiss me, motherfucker? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to fuck the fuck out of you. (Both kiss)
Brenda: Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! (Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda) Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank: Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
(Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs)
Teresa: Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" (Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda)
(Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar)
Mr. Grits: Jesus fucking Christ!
Firewater: Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Twinks: Pretty fucking sure I am. (Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself)
Mr Grits: Oh, shit. Now it's on.
(All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.)
("Just as bad as I do...")
Meat Loaf: (Two liquor bottle flash him.) Yeah! (The bottles proceed to jump on him)
Barry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
(Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.)
Barry: Oh, wow. (Walks over to her.) Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
Sally: Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry: You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
(Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.)
Mr. Grits: Yeah, cracker! (Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.) Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
Gum: (As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.) Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank: (As Brenda chokes him.) I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy: What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
Brenda: (As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.) Oh, yeah. Fuck you!
(Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.)
Vash: Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy: (Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face) Want me to be a Hamburger? Rubble, rubble! Rubble, rubble!
Barry: I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my fucking load. Good God.
Teresa: Oh, fuck!
(Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.)
Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy: Oooooh!
Lavash: My dick is drained.
(The orgy ends as Frank and Brenda are now shown observing the remains of Shopwell's.)
That was amazing.
It was okay. But you were amazing.
I can't believe we were saving ourselves for the Great Beyond when...
Frank and Brenda: It was in front of us the whole time.
Frank: I love you, Brenda.
Brenda: I love you, Frank.
Sammy: You know, my boner still hasn't gone down. ls that bad?
Lavash: Bad for my asshole, I'll tell you that much. (Him and Sammy both laugh.) Seriously, though, your recovery time is off the charts.
Barry: Guys! Oh, my God. You have to come with me right now.
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn... that we are not real! Booga booga booga.
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater and I... made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a fucking illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons. Oh! Wha...?
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, schlubby Jewish actor named: Seth Rog-An.
Frank: Wait? I'm Jewish?
Sammy: So who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named; Ed-ward Nor-ton.
Sammy: Ed-ward Nor-ton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid cunt name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
Gum: I have invented a Stargate device that will allow us to travel to their dimension.
Firewater: Fuck, yeah, he did. And it's dope. This guy's smart. I mean like, fuck-a-guy smart. Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. We're gonna go to this other dimension... and cut the strings, once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walkthrough Gum's Stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
(The entire group proceeds to step into the portal, determined to confront their creators once and for all as the movie ends.)
(Joy to the World by Three Dog Night plays as the credits start to roll. Some background music plays after the song is done. One of the score pieces, which sounds like the song "The Great Beyond", plays as the Sony logo, the "BE MOVED" text, and the Columbia Pictures closing logo appear at the very end of the credits.)