New Student Starfish
This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "New Student Starfish" from season 3, which aired on September 20, 2002.


Spongebob: (turns off the alarm) Time for Boating School! Let it rip, Gary! (Gary pushes a button that sends Spongebob jumping out of his bed, into the air. Spongebob bounces off a chair, while sipping his cup of tea) Ahh... (toast pop out into the air, where Spongebob eats them. Gary spits Spongebobs pants into the air where Spongebob lands on a target that Gary has painted) Ta-da! Not bad, partner in crime! The toast could have been a little darker, though. (heads to the door) See you later! (opens the door where Patrick is standing there with a net in his hand)

Patrick: Hey Spongebob, want to go jellyfishing?

Spongebob: Sorry Patrick, I can’t. I have School today!

Patrick: Well, what am I supposed to do all day while you’re at School?

Spongebob: I don’t know. What do you normally do while I’m gone?

Patrick: (starts to cry) Wait for you to get back!

Spongebob: Wait a second, Patrick. Why don’t you come to School with me?

Patrick: Yeah, that’s a great idea!

Spongebob: You and me in School together as classmates! Think about it! (Patrick imagines a Kindergarden Class photo of him and Spongebob smiling goofy with him)

Patrick: Wow. (scene cuts to them at School)

Spongebob: Brace yourself, Patrick. I’m about to introduce you to the greatest academic thrill ride of your lifetime.

Patrick: (laughs) And no line!

Spongebob: Behold Patrick, the Hallway Of Learning! (runs up to the water fountain) And this is the Fountain Of Learning! (runs to the lockers) And these are the Lockers Of Learning!

Patrick: (runs up to some stairs) And these are the Stairs Of Learning, right?

Spongebob: No, they’re just the stairs. (walks over to another set of stairs) These are the Stairs Of Learning.

Patrick: Where is everyone?

Spongebob: Home, probably. Class doesn’t start 'till 9:00.

Patrick: (looks at his watch) 6:20? But I thought you said you were late.

Spongebob: Late for being early.

Patrick: Hey! When did I start wearing a watch?

Spongebob: (both walk into the classroom) And now, for the room with the most class: the Classroom.

Patrick: Ohh!

Spongebob: And this is the chalkboard. It’s the ladle that helps us drink from the Fountain Of Knowledge.

Patrick: Ohhh!!!

Spongebob: (walks up to the Good Noodle Board) And those drinks are recorded here on the Good Noodle board! (looks at Patrick)

Patrick: Huh? Uh, sorry. OHHHH!!!!

Spongebob: (points to each star) Attendance. Penmanship. Basic Desk Sanitation. Advanced Desk Sanitation. I’ll add your name so you can start collecting good noodle stars too! (adds Patricks name) There you are.

Patrick: But look at all the stars you have! I’ll never be that good.

Spongebob: Oh now, Patrick. I’m just like everyone else, no matter how many stars I have. Ahem! (high pitched) 74.

Patrick: Who said that? (runs over to an egg in a box) Was it him?

Spongebob: I doubt it. That’s Roger, our class science project.

Patrick: What does he teach us?

Spongebob: The greatest lesson of all: the precious value of life. You see Patrick, Roger’s shell represents the fragile line between life and death when behind the wheel of a boat. (points the light bulb) This light bulb represents knowledge. And without its energy and warmth, within minutes, Roger would die.

Patrick: (turns light on and off) Life! death! Life! death! Life! death! Life! death! Life! death!

Spongebob: PATRICK!!!

Patrick: (turns light on) Sorry. (Spongebob moves his desk to the front of the teachers desk)

Spongebob: The best part about being early is you get to sit close to the teacher? Think you can handle the second chair?

Patrick: (jumps into the chair) I’m learning!

Spongebob: This is gonna be great! (both giggle. Scene cuts to class)

Mrs. Puff: Hello class, my name is Mrs. Puff. And the only reason I say that I see we have a new student. Young man, why don’t you stand up and introduce yourself?

Patrick: Who’s the fat kid talking to?

Spongebob: You, Patrick, she’s the teacher!

Patrick: Oh.

Mrs. Puff: Come on now, tell the class your name. Don’t be nervous. (Patrick gets nervous) We just want to know your name. (Patrick gets more nervous)

Patrick: 24? (class laughs hysterically)

Mrs. Puff: (sarcastically) Oh great, another genius...

Patrick: (sits back down) Why are they laughing?

Spongebob: I guess it’s just in the timing.

Patrick: Oh. (Patrick laughs after a brief pause)

Mrs. Puff: (writes on the chalkboard) Today’s first lesson will be on turning.

Patrick: 24. (both start to giggle)

Spongebob: Hey Patrick.

Patrick: What?

Spongebob: I thought of something funnier than 24.

Patrick: Let me hear it.

Spongebob: (stifled laugh) 25. (both laugh loud enough for Mrs Puff to hear)

Mrs. Puff: That’s enough! Young man, this is your first day, so I’ll let you off with a warning. As for you, Spongebob, I expect more from a good noodle. Pay attention.

Spongebob: Yes, Mrs. Puff.

Mrs. Puff: Now then, "Turning"; what every driver should know. When you are turning, it is important to signal at least...

Spongebob: (looks at the drawing Patrick gave him of Mrs Puff and gasps) Big Fat Meanie? Patrick, you can’t do that! She’s the teacher!

Mrs Puff: What about the teacher? (Spongebob screams as Mrs. Puff sees Patrick's drawing of her) As if I really look like this! (puts it a drawer with a bunch of other drawings of her) SpongeBob, I believe you know the punishment for 2 classroom disruptions. (takes out a scraper)

Spongebob: No...

Mrs. Puff: I’m sorry SpongeBob, but if one wishes to be a good noodle, one must behave like a good noodle. (walks over to

the Good Noodle Board)

Spongebob: (starting to cry) I’m a good noodle!!! I’m a good noodle!!!

Mrs. Puff: You’ll get this star back when you earn it...

Spongebob: No!! (starts crying as Mrs Puff slowly takes off the star from the board) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!! (Spongebob goes crazy as she takes off the star. When she finally does, Spongebob faints)

Patrick: (raises his hand) Mrs. Puff, is it naptime?

Mrs. Puff: Spongebob, I’ve had enough of your nonsense. Now collect your things and move to the available desk in the back of the room.

Spongebob: What, me? But why?

Mrs Puff: Because the Big Fat Meanie said so. Now go!

Spongebob: (Mad) Thanks a lot, Patrick!

Patrick: Sure thing, buddy. (Spongebob walks to the back)

Spongebob: Well, I guess I can be a Good Noodle from back here. (Mrs Puff's voice is receding as Spongebob tries to listen from the back) It’s so hard to hear. What kind of student sits back here anyway? (reads the writing on the desk) 'Skool is 4 Chumps'? Where am I?

Patrick: Psst! Spongebob?

Spongebob: (to himself) Just ignore him, Spongebob.

Patrick: Spongebob, over here!

Spongebob: Whatever you do, don’t look at him.

Patrick: Psst, Spongebob. (grunts as he throws a piece of waded up paper at Spongebob) Psst, Spongebob! (throws a book at Spongebob) Spongebob? (spits a bunch of spitballs on Spongebob's face) Spongebob? Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important.

Spongebob: What?

Patrick: Hi.

Spongebob: (yells) HI?!?! (all the spitballs are blown away onto Mrs Puff)

Mrs. Puff: Perhaps this would be a good time for recess. (scene cuts to Spongebob at his locker. Patrick walks up to him)

Patrick: Hey buddy! Funny stuff in there, funny stuff!

Spongebob: There is nothing funny about what you did in there, Patrick! You got me in trouble! You got me moved to the back of the room! You cost me one of my Good Noodle Stars!

Patrick: Who cares about a Stupid Star?

Spongebob: Gee Patrick, it seems that you would care a lot about Stupid Stars, considering that you are one'!

Patrick: I’ll deal with you after class!

Spongebob: It is after class! (a group of students crowd around Spongebob & Patrick chanting 'fight')

Patrick: I don’t see anyone fighting, do you?

Spongebob: They’re talking about us, we’re fighting!

Patrick: Don’t mind if I do! (both start to punch. The group of students start to quiet down as they notice Spongebob & Patrick are punching but missing at the same time)

Student: This is embarrassing. (everyone leaves as Mrs. Puff walks up)

Mrs. Puff: What’s going on here?! Well?

Patrick: Spongebob and I were fighting.

Mrs. Puff: (gasps) Fighting? Well, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Spongebob Squarepants, I hereby sentence you and your friend (lights dim on Mrs Puff and scary music plays) to detention'!

Spongebob: Detention!?

Mrs Puff: May Neptune have mercy on your souls...! (Mrs Puff turns off the flashlight she was holding. Scene cuts to detention room where Spongebob is sitting at the front and Patrick is sitting at the back)

Spongebob: In one day, I’ve gone from Good Noodle to Bad Egg. It’s all Stupid Patrick’s fault. I hate you Patrick.

Patrick: I hate you more.

Spongebob: I’d hate you no matter what.

Patrick: Yeah, well, I’d hate you even if I didn’t hate you.

Spongebob: I’d hate you even if that made sense.

Patrick: I’d hate you even if you were me. That’s how much I hate you.

Spongebob: I’d hate you, uhh, I’d hate you even if the light bulb keeping Roger alive went out! (Coincedentally, the light bulb burns out. Spongebob and Patrick panic when they see the egg shaking. Roger starts to freeze to death. SpongeBob and Patrick sit there crying, and SpongeBob says) I’m sorry I called you a Stupid Star!

Patrick: (talking fast) I’m sorry I got you in trouble and got you moved to the back of the class and got your Good Noodle Star removed and shot the spitballs...

Spongebob: I’m sorry your apology is so long.

Patrick: Me too, now let’s save Roger!

Spongebob: (takes Roger) I’ll keep him warm and you get a light bulb from the supply closet.

Patrick: (opens the door to the supply closet) Light bulb! (there is a pile of light bulbs but Patrick is looking at the one that is already plugged in at the top) But why does it have to be so far away? (begins to climb the pile of bulbs. Spongebob tries warming up the egg by sitting on it, huffing and puffing on it, etc. while Patrick is still climbing the pile of light bulbs. Patrick finally reaches the top, blows a horn, then runs down the pile with the light bulb) I’m coming, Spongebob!

Spongebob: Oh, where’s Patrick? Forget it, I’ve got to get Roger warmth! (runs into Patrick and both of their items are in the air)

The light bulb! Without its warmth, Roger will die!

Patrick: Roger! Without him, the light bulb will have nothing to warm! (both jump for the item that is closest to them and crash into the floor with them in their hands. They put the light bulb and egg back where they were)

Spongebob: We did it, Patrick, we saved Roger’s life!

Mrs Puff: Good job, boys! (Mrs Puff turns on a light from behind the chalkboard) I saw the whole thing from my one-way chalkboard and I couldn’t be happier with your team work! I’ve decided to give you each one gold star. Although I’m not sure what saving an egg has to do with Boating School.

Patrick: Boating School? I thought this was spanish class. See ya, Spongebob. See ya, Big Fat Meany.

Roger: (egg hatches) Hey, what’d I miss?

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