In order to preserve the integrity of the light novels that this anime series is based on, Kyon's narration will be cut from the transcript and replaced with a third-person depiction of the setting.
(In the middle of an exam while in class, Kyon groans. Behind him, Haruhi already has her head down, having completed her exam well within the time limit. She's asleep and snoring, to Kyon's annoyance)
(After the exam, the Brigade meet up at Club SOS as usual, with nobody talking to each other even for a chat. Until...)
Haruhi: Hey, come take a look at this!
(Kyon sighs and goes to look at the computer)
Kyon: What is it?
Haruhi: You can't tell what it is?
Kyon: I've no idea. I don't get it at all.
Haruhi: It's the logo for the SOS Brigade!
Kyon: A logo? That's funny, cause to me it looks more like a drunken tapeworm wrapped around a tube.
Haruhi: Well, take a closer look at it! 👆 See, it says "SOS Brigade" right there in the middle!
Kyon: ...if somebody's got time, total it up for me.
Haruhi: You are the one that's got the most free time! Anyway, I was thinking of putting this thing on the home page of the SOS Brigade website.
Kyon: You mean this pathetic website that only has a home page?
Haruhi: This website that you made isn't getting us any visitors at all. It's so frustrating. There's nothing on here that spices it up. It's all because you got in my way. We'd have had a ton of hits if you'd let me post these erotic pics of Mikuru. 😃 So I got to thinking, I should paste a cool logo or a symbol for the SOS Brigade on the homepage.
Kyon: 💭 Just get this stupid excuse for a website off the Net already. The access counter hasn't even reached three digits yet. And ninty percent of those hits has been you checking the site for hits. 💬 Write a blog on there or something. Isn't it your job to keep a record of the Brigade's activities?
Haruhi: Uh, too much of a hassle.
Kyon: Oh, it's a hassle for me, too.
(Haruhi gets up and points at the computer)
Haruhi: Okay, Kyon. Your job for today is to make this logo show up on the homepage of the website.
Kyon: Why don't you do it yourself?
Haruhi: I'm the brigade leader. It's the job of a brigade leader to give the orders. Besides, if I did everything, there'd be nothing left for you guys to do. Isn't that right? I'm always spelling this step out for you. Why don't you use your head? How do you expect to improve yourself if you only do what you are told?
Kyon: There you go, talking in circles again. Are you telling me to do it or not to do it? Which is it?
Haruhi: Enough. Get on it!
(Kyon "reluctantly" follows orders. The next day, study leave begins for Kyon's year group. But Kyon decides to enter Club SOS for Mikuru, according to his thoughts. He knocks on the door)
Haruhi: Come in!
(Kyon notices Haruhi stare at him with her hands on the back of her head)
Kyon: You're the only one here?
Haruhi: Yuki's here, too.
(Nagato continues to read her book without caring much for her surroundings)
Kyon: You and Nagato are the only ones here?
Haruhi: You wanna file a complaint about it?
(Kyon says nothing and goes over to his desk, putting his bag down)
Haruhi: When you knocked on the door just now, I thought for sure we were going to have a visitor today.
Kyon: Just being careful. I don't wanna accidentally walk in while Miss Asahina's changing. 💭 That lovely innocent young girl just can't seem to figure out how to lock a door. 💬 So, now what's all this about a visitor?
Haruhi: Don't tell me you don't remember.
Kyon: 💭 I hope she isn't gonna say anything about the Star Festival three years ago.
Haruhi: Oh, come on! It's something you did... without getting my permission first.
Kyon: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Haruhi: Those posters you put up all over the school!
Kyon: Right, those things.
(Kyon explains that it was his attempt to promote the SOS Brigade)
Haruhi: Anyway, take a look at this. Something weird's happening here. Maybe it's just the computer acting up.
(Kyon looks at the computer screen. The SOS Brigade logo is distorted. The Japanese text on the web page is replaced with raw encoding characters. Kyon tries refreshing the page)
Kyon: It looks like the file on the server's been corrupted. So do you know how long it's been like this?
Haruhi: No, it was like that when I checked it today. Who do I complain to about this?
Kyon: It isn't worth filing a complaint.
(Kyon moves the logo to another directory and tries to have the web page load it from there)
Haruhi: It's weird. Wait, I know, it's hackers or crackers or whatever they're called.
Kyon: No way. It's probably just an error.
Haruhi: It's so irritating. I can't believe someone would make a cyber-terrorist attack on the SOS Brigade! No, when I find out who's doing this, I'll make him do thirty days of community service, no trial!
(Someone knocks at the door)
Haruhi: Come in.
Koizumi: Well, this is unusual. Miss Asahina hasn't shown up yet?
Haruhi: The juniors have more exams to take, don't they?
Kyon: 💭 Hey everyone, just hurry up and go home already. I mean, of all the places, why do you wanna meet here? Oh, and Haruhi, is there any special reason you're not saying anything about Koizumi knocking?
(Koizumi brings out a board game. Kyon shakes his head)
Kyon: 💭 I'm looking forward to Miss Asahina's tea.
(At dusk, Kyon is still hard at work, on the website)
Haruhi: That's not it! No, to the right! No, left! No, down! ...that's not it!
(Another knock at the door)
Haruhi: Hm? Come in!
(Entering is the person Kyon had come to Club SOS for)
Mikuru: Um... I'm so sorry I'm late. I had exams until fourth period.
(She isn't alone. A girl with pastel-green hair has accompanied her)
Mikuru: Well, I, uh... let's see... I, uh... I sort of brought a visitor with me.
(The girl bows. Kyon reveals that her name is Emiri Kimidori. Within moments, Mikuru and Kimidori sit together, facing Haruhi, who has her pen on her philtrum. That is, between her nose and her mouth)
Haruhi: So let me get this straight. You want us, the SOS Brigade, to go and search for your missing boyfriend?
Haruhi: Hmm... 🙂 -ah.
Kyon: 💭 Oh great. It seems that she thinks the purpose of the SOS Brigade really is to be a mobile task force or jack-of-all-trades counseling thing. 💬 So... what exactly is troubling you?
Kimidori: He hasn't been in school for the longest time.
Haruhi: Have you tried calling him?
Kimidori: He doesn't answer his cell or his home phone. I even went to his house, but he wasn't there.
Haruhi: Hm... what about your boyfriend's family?
Kimidori: As far as I know, he lives alone. A while ago, I remember hearing they lived and worked overseas. But I don't have any of their contact information.
Haruhi: Really? Well, are his parents in Canada?
Kimidori: No, I believe they live somewhere in Honduras.
Haruhi: Oh ho, yes, Honduras. Indeed!
Kimidori: The night when I went to see him, the house was pitch-black. I'm so worried.
(Kimidori has her hands on her face at this point)
Haruhi: Yeah, I can totally understand how you're feeling about this.
Kyon: 💭 Liar. You don't understand the feeling of being in love.
Haruhi: Anyway, I'm surprised you came to the SOS Brigade with this mystery. So why'd you come to us?
Kimidori: My boyfriend used to talk about the SOS brigade. That's why I am here.
Haruhi: Oh? So, who is this boyfriend?
(A meowing cat suddenly bombs the screen)
Kimidori: ...is his name.
Haruhi: Don't know him. Who's he?
(Silence. Haruhi grunts)
Kimidori: To tell you the truth, he's the president of the Computer Club.
Kyon: Hmmm... huh?!
(Oops. Haruhi framing the computer club president in Part 2 of Melancholy was caught on camera by one of the other club members. Their story is passed as authentic, and placed on the local newspaper. Kyon remembers all this)
Haruhi: Okay, I got it. 😃 Don't worry, we'll do something about this. Miss Kimidori, today is your lucky day. Since you're the SOS Brigade's first client, I'll solve the case of your missing boyfriend for free!
Kyon: 💭 You planned on charging money for this?
(The next day, Mikuru is again the last one to enter Club SOS. Kyon then turns to face Haruhi)
Kyon: Hey, taking the case was the easy part. But what are we gonna do if you can't solve it?
(Haruhi flips her pen around)
Haruhi: Hmm... 😃 We'll solve it. I'm sure the Computer Club chief's suffering from the May Melancholies even if it's a couple months late. We'll just stroll into his house, grab him, slap him around a little and drag him outta there.
(Mikuru does her usual maid duties, this time without changing out of her uniform first)
Kyon: Are you and Miss Kimidori friends or something?
Mikuru: Uh-uh. I've never spoken to her before today.
Haruhi: ... 😃 We could always pass out fliers at the front gate like we did last time.
(Mikuru gasps. Nagato puts her book down. It appears that the idea was parked, as the next cut shows Haruhi leading the investigation with all four of her subordinates. They reach the condo that the club president was believed to be living in)
Haruhi: Let's do it.
(Outside the door of the club president's place)
Haruhi: Well, this is the place. But, how are we gonna get in there?
(Haruhi tries the doorbell)
Kyon: 💭 Next time, try that first!
Haruhi: 😃 How about if we go up on the balcony in the back? Maybe we can get in if we break the glass or something.
Kyon: The room is on the third-floor, and it's not like we're a gang of teenage burglars trying to rob the place. I don't want a criminal record yet.
Haruhi: Yeah, okay. Then let's go down to the manager's office and borrow the key. We'll just tell the manager that we're friends of his who are worried about him.
(Just as Haruhi walks away, Nagato stares at Kyon, then opens the door. As if she knew it was open all along. Haruhi notices)
Haruhi: You've gotta be kidding. 😃 I didn't realize it was open. Whatever, guess we might as well go in. He's probably hiding under the bed or something. Come on! Let's drag his butt out of there.
Kyon: 💭 She doesn't even feel guilty for swiping the computer right out of his hands.
(No one is in the club president's home. Haruhi is stood up and bouncing on a bed)
Haruhi: Well, that's strange. I totally thought we'd find him in a corner of the room curled up in a ball. Kyon, do you know where someone with the case of May Melancholies in July might scurry off to?
Kyon: 💭 He's either traveling in Central or South America or he really doesn't wanna be found.
Nagato: We should leave now.
Kyon: 😯💭 That's the first time she's spoken today.
(Koizumi whispers at Kyon from his right)
Koizumi: Miss Nagato's right, we need to go.
Kyon: Don't sound so serious. Don't breathe on me. You're too close and you're freaking me out.
(Haruhi jumps off the bed)
Koizumi: I'm feeling a little strange in here. It's a sensation I'm all too familiar with. So we should get going-
(Haruhi has just scavenged the fridge)
Haruhi: Awesome! Warabi mochi! It expired three days ago, but I'm sure they're still good. Come on, let's eat!
(Haruhi tries to feed Mikuru with one of the mochi)
Haruhi: Say aah, Mikuru.
Mikuru: No, don't!
Haruhi: Aah. Aah. Come on!
Kyon: What do you mean "familiar"?
Koizumi: It's the familiar scent. The room has the same kind of smell as closed space.
Kyon: Come to think of it, you are a real-life esper, aren't you?
Nagato: There's another dimensional layer. As we stand here, it's beginning to shift.
Kyon: Okay, looks like it'd be best if we all got the hell out of here.
(Meanwhile, Mikuru cowers in the corner again as Haruhi ends up eating the mochi instead. Outside the condos)
Haruhi: I'm so hungry. That's it for today, 👉 dismissed!
Kyon: Hey wait! What about the case?
Haruhi: Don't worry, we'll figure it out. 😃 See ya!
(Haruhi scampers away)
Kyon: 💭 She's already bored...
(The others disperse as well, However, Kyon has Mikuru, Nagato and Koizumi gather outside the same condos the next day)
Mikuru: Um, is anything the matter? Why did you want us to come back here without telling Miss Suzumiya?
Kyon: Those two seem to think there's something fishy with that room. Isn't that right?
Koizumi: Yes. I'm sure we'll find out once we get back inside. Right, Miss Nagato?
(Nagato leads the way. Inside the room in question...)
Nagato: There is a localized non-corrosive alternate space in this room. It's happening independently in limited mode.
Kyon: Wow, it almost sounds like you're just flipping through a dictionary, pulling out words at random.
Koizumi: She's saying that there's something similar to closed space in here. It's not the same as ones created by Miss Suzumiya. The one in this room smells different. Do you think the disappearance of the Computer Club president is related to this space?
(Nagato puts her hand up and recites indecipherable code)
Kyon: I should've told her to wait...
(Within moments, the four of them are in desert space, similar to the one Nagato summoned against Asakura)
(A scared Mikuru holds on to Kyon's left arm)
Nagato: I have analyzed the entry code. It overlaps standard space. It is merely out of phase.
Koizumi: This doesn't seem to be closed space though.
Nagato: It's slightly different. In one segment of the spatial data, there is junk information that seems to have originated with Haruhi Suzumiya.
Koizumi: Can you tell how much?
Nagato: Insignificant levels. She only triggered this situation.
Koizumi: I see, so that's what happened.
Kyon: 💭 Can Miss Asahina and I join this conversation? 💬 So the president of the Computer Club is somewhere in here?
Koizumi: It seems that way. This alternate space created itself in his room, and for some reason, he became trapped within it.
Kyon: Then where is he?
(Nagato moves her hand upwards)
Kyon: Wait! Do you think you can tell me what you're gonna do first? I just wanna be ready for it, okay?
Nagato: Nothing. There it is.
(Nagato points behind Kyon. Kyon turns and sees "it")
Kyon: Huh?! What is that?
(Something black, up in the sky)
Koizumi: I can definitely feel its animosity.
(Kyon tries asking the frightened Mikuru)
Kyon: You wouldn't happen to have... laser guns or anything?
(Mikuru shakes her head)
Mikuru: 😖 We're forbidden to carry firearms because it's dangerous!
(The thing in the sky drops to the desert sand, and takes form as a giant insect)
Mikuru: Huh? Ah!
Kyon: What is this?
Koizumi: A camel cricket.
Kyon: Got it. Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Nagato: It's the creator of this dimension.
Kyon: No way. Did Haruhi do this too?
Nagato: The cause is different, but she was the catalyst.
Kyon: Okay, you can move now.
(Koizumi has just generated a ball of energy)
Koizumi: Looks like I can still access my powers in here, at least partially. But it's only a tenth of what I usually work with. Maybe it was determined that this was all the power I needed.
Kyon: Yeah, great. Uh, Nagato. What is that insect, and where is the Computer Club guy?
Nagato: It is a data life form. It is currently using the male student's brain to increase its probability of survival.
Koizumi: Are you saying the president is inside that thing?
Koizumi: I see. This camel cricket is a manifestation of the thing the president fears the most. If we defeat it, we can shut down this alternate space. Am I mistaken?
Nagato: No mistakes.
Koizumi: Then it should be relatively easy.
(Mikuru's on her knees clinging on to Kyon like a deprived child)
Koizumi: Don't worry. It'll be over soon.
(The camel cricket prepares to strike)
Kyon: Just hurry up and do it.
Koizumi: Roger that.
(Koizumi jumps and calls out "Fumoffu", dispersing his energy towards the camel cricket. It lands back on the sand without being hurt)
Nagato: Pausing interval seconds between display.
(Nagato surrounds herself with a forcefield. Kyon and Mikuru shield themselves from the wind. Then, a green beetle flies overhead and sprays a power-up on the camel cricket, which then charges towards Mikuru and Kyon. They run)
Koizumi: Second raid!
(Koizumi launches a second burst of energy on the camel cricket. Kyon and Mikuru look behind)
Kyon: Did that work?!
(The camel cricket appears to fend off the attack...)
Kyon: I guess it didn't work.
(...but then slumps on the sand in front of Nagato, before disappearing)
Koizumi: Is it over now?
(Kyon and Mikuru breathe a sigh of relief. In front of them is the computer club president that the camel cricket left behind, slumped on his back. Nagato closes off the space, and all four Brigade members look over the club president, back in his own room. Before the club president wakes up, Nagato turns on his computer)
Nagato: It arrived 280 million years ago. When it landed on this planet, it could not find a necessary means to survive here. To preserve itself, it went into hibernation. When humans created the computer network, it shifted into a half-awakened state. Then, an explosion of unmeasured amounts of data from a parallel world caused it to fully awake.
(Shown on the computer screen is the logo that Haruhi drew)
Nagato: In Earth measurements, this emblem contains approximately 436 petabytes of data.
Kyon: No way! That thing isn't more than 100 kilobytes!
Koizumi: The symbol she happens to draw turns out to be something amazing. Only Miss Suzumiya could do that.
(Later at night, Kyon walks home by himself)
Kyon: It can't just be a coincidence...
(After Kyon narrates what he's learned about Mikuru, Nagato and Koizumi, the next cut shows the Brigade members all at Club SOS again, except Haruhi, the following day. Nagato and Koizumi continue to discuss the logo, while Mikuru appears to have dozed off in her maid uniform)
Kyon: What in the hell am I, anyway? 💭 I know, I'm the conscience of the SOS Brigade. I'm here because I have to stop Haruhi's illegal club activities. It's my job to make her have a normal high school life.
(Finally, Kyon turns to face Nagato)
Kyon: All right, you've gotta tell me what the camel cricket was.
Nagato: A data life form.
Kyon: Any relation to your entity thingy?
Nagato: A similar source. The other life form evolved differently and its race perished.
(Kyon then takes over on the computer. After a while...)
Kyon: Hang on a second.
Kyon: I just realized nothing happened in this room when Haruhi finished drawing the logo. And when she showed it to me, nothing happened then, either.
Koizumi: 🙂 For a while now, this room has been in an alternate dimension. Elements and force fields collide with one another here, canceling each other out, creating a sort of saturation. But there's no room left for anything else to blend in.
Kyon: So, while I wasn't looking, this room was turned into an ominous den of weirdness?
Koizumi: Not to worry, I think it's harmless... probably.
Kyon: Oh, brother... I really don't feel like going insane, or looking for a rope to hang myself with just because this place is so strange.
Koizumi: 💪 I'm doing my best to make sure that doesn't happen.
Kyon: Well, I hope and pray that this kind of stuff isn't happening because you're doing your best.
Koizumi: 🙂 Mhm.
Kyon: Huh? There's almost 30,000 hits on this thing!
Nagato: The data life form reproduces itself by installing hyperlinks at various locations. It then copies information about itself into the brains of humans who see the emblem, creating more closed space.
(Kyon narrates over the rest of Nagato's explanation. Apparently, Kyon is then told of eight other students that fell victim similarly. At dusk, Kyon and Nagato finish re-drawing the logo. Kyon then encounters Haruhi at a stairway)
Kyon: The Computer Club guy came back today.
Haruhi: Oh, really? It was either a case of the May Melancholies or an argument with his girlfriend. 😃 Hey, isn't it amazing though? Our website's gotten 30,000 hits! It's like people know a good thing when they see it.
(Back at Club SOS, Kyon spills out the truth through his narration, as well as his hypotheses on the case. Suddenly, Nagato flips through the pages of her book until she finds the one she needs. Kyon appears to be looking at Nagato as if she has emotions all along...)
Nagato: Next episode. Remote Island Syndrome, part one. I love it...