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OVER BLACK We hear “Merrily We Roll Along,” a strangely forboding pipe organ version. Then SCREAMS. 1 ANIMATED IN THE STYLE OF “BATMAN BEYOND” 1 A terrified crowd rushes the screen, escaping ELMER, in evil clown make-up, riding atop a mammoth 19th CENTURY CIRCUS CALLIOPE. Screaming steam shoots from the Calliope as mechanical arms overturn cars and loot stores. ELMER (Maniacal Laugh) A GOTHAM-LIKE ROOFTOP The camera rachets in on a lone figure atop the building. It’s a caped, heroic looking Daffy. Daffy leaps from the precipice and flies to street. Daffy faces off against the mechanical monstrosity. A steel claw grabs for him; he leaps aside. He jumps on the claw. Daffy is hoisted skyward. He spies a small open panel on the calliope. It is a maze of wires and circuits. In DAFFY’S COMPUTER-LIKE MIND, the circuits are analyzed in 3-D and the system’s Achilles Heel is located. A grim Daffy plucks a feather from his chin and directs the quill precisely into the circuit board. The circuit crackles. The calliope shudders and bucks. The calliope explodes into a fireball, which Daffy rides toward camera a la “Mission: Impossible.” VOICE (O.S.) Hold on. The cartoon image on screen freezes. 2 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 2 Daffy sits at a large conference table headed by MR. WARNER and MR. WARNER’S BROTHER. The end of the table is crammed with identical JUNIOR EXECUTIVES, on chairs that put their heads only halfway above the lip of the table. 2. C
DAFFY Wait. There’s a love story... MR. WARNER (perplexed) You killed Elmer. MR. WARNER’S BROTHER You can’t kill Elmer. DAFFY (dismissive laugh) * Oh, he comes back from the dead * later. * (selling) * Half lizard! * ELMER I don’t want to play a crazy clown. I’m afraid of clowns. (Sobbing) (Kate and Warner Brothers watches Elmer crying away) BUGS (O.S.) * What’s up, Doc? BUGS BUNNY stands at the doorway to the conference room, dramatically backlit. BACK TO SCENE All the Junior Executives at the table LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY. Daffy looks steamed. ON BUGS As he strolls to his seat, he gestures to executives in their chairs. BUGS (CONT’D) Colin, new haircut? Very * military!... Jerry J.! * Bugs play-boxes with an executive affectionately, then * turns to another executive, very concerned. * BUGS (CONT’D) (very sincere) Ian, if your sister needs any more * bone marrow, I’m there. * Bugs sits down and turns to Daffy.
BUGS (CONT’D) So Daf, I was reading this rewrite * you did and I gotta question. * Where’s me? * DAFFY (eye roll) Actors. (patronizing) I was getting to your part, Bugsy. 3 ANIMATED IN THE STYLE OF BATMAN BEYOND 3 As the calliope explodes from several angles, we PAN DOWN to street level. A manhole cover opens and a particularly dumb-looking Bugs emerges, chomping a carrot. BUGS Duh... what’s up, Doc? The carrot is revealed to have a fast-burning fuse. It EXPLODES. A charred Bugs looks stupefied. Then a huge, flaming chunk of calliope lands on his head. 4 BACK TO SCENE 4 Bugs rises, nonchalant, readying his exit. BUGS Fine with me. The money all goes * to the wives anyway. * (ALT.) * Fine with me. I’m right in the * middle of the new Delillo novel... * DAFFY (brush-off) * Thanks for stopping by. Big fan of * your early work... * KATE (O.S.) Excuse me, I’m sorry. This is KATE. She speaks quickly, confidently, as if she doesn’t need anything or anybody, but we all know better. KATE (CONT'D) I don’t think we can have a Bugs Bunny movie without Bugs Bunny. Daffy paces down the table, acting thoughtful.
DAFFY Oh my, heavens no. You couldn’t * have a movie without Bugs Bunny. * Riots in the streets. “No Bunny, * no peace!” It’d be like creme * without brulee. Scooby without the * Doo... * Daffy winds up standing on the table in Kate’s face. DAFFY (CONT’D) (very condescending) Say, if you don’t mind my asking, * whose assistant are you? * Kate grabs Daffy’s hand and squeezes it. His head * expands. * KATE Kate Houghton. Executive Vice President. (dead serious) Comedy. As Kate releases Daffy’s hand, Daffy’s head deflates to * slightly less than normal accompanied by the HIGH SQUEAK * OF A LEAKING BALLOON. * MR. WARNER (enthusiastic) Kate did “Lethal Weapon Babies.” He points to a poster similar to a “Lethal Weapon” poster, only Danny Glover and Mel Gibson are airbrushed babies. The catchphrase is “Nap Time’s Over.” The movie * is rated PG-17. MR. WARNER’S BROTHER Finally, a “Lethal Weapon” I can take my grandchildren to. MR. WARNER We’ve brought Kate in because we think she can really add something to the Loopy Tunes mix. Daffy puts his finger up in the air. * DAFFY * (quickly) * Wind change. * Daffy suddenly turn to Kate, sucking up desperately.
DAFFY (CONT’D) * Yes, fresh perspective! Just what * we need -- new ideas for a postBugs-Bunny world. Kate pulls out her extremely cool Sprint computer/phone and calls up a bunch of charts and graphs on it. KATE Actually, our latest research shows that Bugs Bunny is a core asset that appeals to male and female, young and old, throughout the known universe... We cut to Bugs. He is busily cleaning himself, licking * his paw and rubbing it over his face. * KATE (CONT’D) ...while your fanbase is limited to angry fat guys in basements. And there’s only seven of them. DAFFY * Did you count Ted? * KATE * (checking phone) * Yes. * Daffy SWALLOWS nervously. He turns to the Warner * Brothers, pleading. * DAFFY C’mmmmmmon, fellas! I'm thrice the entertainer the rabbit is! BUGS <casual belch> The room bursts into LAUGHTER. DAFFY * (dryly) * Yes, he’s hilarious. But * moviegoers these days demand * action! * Daffy launches into a kung fu routine: * D
Daffy executes a flurry of judo-like moves, resulting in * his arm being stuck in his ear up to his elbow (his hand * protrudes from the opposite ear.) Daffy extracts his hand * and shakes goo off it. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * Top that, rabbit! * Bugs gracefully assumes an elaborate karate pose. * BUGS * (perfectly poised) * Kong Que (Kong KYU-yu-ah). “The * Peacock.” * He lightly flicks the back of Daffy’s head with his toe. * Daffy’s EYES POP OUT and bounce around on the table. * VARIOUS EXECUTIVES * Ooh/ Aah/ Etc. * Daffy blindly swipes at the awkwardly bouncing eyes * (which watch with alarm). Bugs throws some jacks down on * the table and starts picking them up as the eyes bounce. * Daffy angrily catches his eyes, then shoves the eyes up * close to Bugs’ face. They squint. * DAFFY * Despicable. * Shoving his eyes back in, Daffy takes his stand. DAFFY (CONT’D) * So,it has come to this. I'm afraid the brothers Warner must choose between a handsome matinee idol, or ...this miscreant perpetrator * of low burlesque! * The instant Daffy finishes his line, a cardboard box is * put down on the table.(It contains, among other things, a * black-and-white picture of Daffy with Nixon, six-pound * barbell, one of those executive clacky-ball things, a * bottle of Chambord). * DAFFY (CONT’D) * (bewildered) * The contents of my office! * Daffy drops to his knees in front of the box.
DAFFY (CONT’D) * (to himself) * Symbolically, this is bad. * Daffy immediately goes into grovelling mode. * DAFFY (CONT’D) Please, brother... Other brother... He jumps on Kate. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * Icy she-wolf! I’m grovelling here! * Women find this very attractive! * KATE Let me escort you out. DAFFY * Wait! I haven’t tried toadying, * kowtowing or bootlicking yet! I’m * still pitching here! * CUT TO: * CLOSE ON * A red sports car. A hand polishes it. * EXT. WARNER BROS LOT — DAY * DJ, a strapping, handsome fellow, stands guard. Bugs exits the building, waves. * BUGS * What’s up, DJ? * DJ Morning, Mr. Bunny! Kate strolls out of the building, gripping Daffy’s forearm as he squirms like a little kid. DAFFY * I’ll work with dogs! Smelly dogs! * I’ll play food! *
Daffy gyrates around her wildly.
KATE Excuse me. DAFFY * I’ll do nudity! * (sad, desperate) * So very nude! * KATE * I need you to eject this duck. DJ This duck? This is Daffy Duck. KATE Not anymore. We own the name. DAFFY * (indignant) * You can’t stop me from calling * myself D- * He chokes on it. The name won’t come out. * DJ You fired Daffy Duck? KATE No, that isn’t-- Well, I did, but only because they-- DJ (understanding) Just following orders. ON DAFFY * Looking around sneakily. He grabs Bugs’ arm and shoves it * into Kate’s hand in place of his. * DJ (CONT’D) It must be hard on the soul, being the messenger of death... KATE (defensive, to DJ) You know what, you don’t know me. In the b.g., we see Daffy in the back of a golf cart. He * waves.
DJ You’re Kate Houghton. You’re the vice-president of comedy. Go figure. You drive a red 1988 Alpha Romeo. Good engine, but under-driven. I know this because last week you nearly ran me over. Of course, why would you care? I’m just the security guard. She looks at him. DJ (CONT’D) * Anyway, about that duck, do you still want me to get rid of him? KATE (flustered) Yes... eject the duck, please. (off his look) Why not? DJ He’s gone. Kate turns to Bugs. BUGS * (shrugging) * He’s a tricky duck. * DJ shrugs. Flustered, Kate lashes out at D.J. * KATE (sarcastic) What do you do now? Call for backup? DJ backs away, laughing sarcastically. DJ (into walkie talkie) It’s Duck Season! DJ exits. Kate turns to Bugs. KATE How does Snooty’s sound for lunch? BUGS * A little pretentious.
KATE Good. EXT. BACKLOT — CONTINUOUS DJ (O.S.) * Mr. Duck? * DJ enters. DJ (CONT’D) * Daffy?! * Daffy’s head appears frame left and he zips in. GIRL ON TRAM * Look, Mommy, it’s Donald! * Daffy knees DJ in the chest, then Stooge-slaps him. * DAFFY * (diffident) * Shoddy job so far, Constable. * (as he exits) * After me! * DJ follows angrily. DJ Oh, now you’re going to pay for that one! (back to camera) * No celebrity slaps me! C’mere! * Daffy runs under a woman’s legs. DAFFY * Dress inspector! * As he goes through the gladiators... DAFFY (CONT’D) * One side, Spartacuses. * When the cart skids in front of Daffy, he hits it on the * hood. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * I’m walkin’ here!
DJ * Last warning! Don’t make me write * a report! * MONKEY HEAD Daffy runs up the Monkey Head on frame left, but just as * DJ arrives Daffy pops out the nostril on frame right * (causing DJ to change direction.) * DJ (CONT’D) Excuse me, requisitioned! DJ hops on a bike. DJ follows Daffy, who looks not very scared. * DAFFY * (faux alarmed) * Look out, he’s got a bike! * TRACKING SHOT Behind Daffy as he runs. DAFFY (CONT’D) * (looking back, tired) * You can quit any time... * DJ Getting tired, huh? As Daffy passes the green-suited man. * DAFFY * The old midget-in-the toilet-gag? * For shame! * (ALT) * The old little-person-in-the * toilet-gag? For shame! * DJ This isn’t funny anymore. What are you trying to do, hurt somebody? DAFFY * Ah, my ride is here... * Daffy runs up the nose of an elephant. DJ Get down.
Daffy stands atop the elephant, arms akimbo. * DAFFY * Stomp him, Dumbo! * DJ Get down! DAFFY * (insistent) * Crush his tiny skull! Now! * DJ (whispers, to elephant) Could you get up? The elephant raises up, causing Daffy to stagger back. DAFFY * Hey, who’s the Hadji here? * Daffy rolls over backward on the elephant and falls on * his ass. * As Daffy runs between DJ’s legs... DAFFY (CONT’D) * Knit one, pearl two... This way * now... * Daffy runs into the flat. DJ bursts through the flat. Daffy runs out the other way and regards the hole DJ put * in the flat. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * (re: tear in flat) * Well, that’s just cheating... * DJ bursts through. Daffy takes off. NEW YORK BACKLOT Daffy runs down the street, swinging from trees, like * he’s in a musical... * DAFFY (CONT’D) * (singing) * “Autumn in fake New York...” * DJ gives chase. Daffy sees a doorway and yells to DJ:
DAFFY (CONT’D) * Don’t follow me! * Daffy runs in the door. DJ follows him. * INTERIOR STEPS DJ chases Daffy up the interior steps. DAFFY (CONT’D) * So, he follows me! * EXTERIOR STEPS * Daffy quickly scales the steps and waits as DJ climbs. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * C’mon, c’mon. * Daffy opens the door. * 9 EXT. BACKLOT — MOVIE SET — CONTINUOUS 9 * DJ tears out the window Daffy escaped through. We now see * he is on the ledge of a dark, Gothic building. BIG HOLLYWOOD DIRECTOR * Cut! Cut! Daffy appears behind the director’s shoulder, wearing a * baseball cap and speaking into an electric megaphone. * DAFFY DUCK (THROUGH MEGAPHONE) * That’s lunch, everybody! * DJ falls, into: * A GIANT AIRBAG DJ struggles out of the airbag. DJ * I’m okay! I’m okay! Batman, are you good? DAFFY * hops into the BATMOBILE. ON THE BATMOBILE * Daffy flicks on several controls.
DAFFY DUCK (O.S.) * Bat lights, Bat Conditioning... * Bat Stereo... * The soundtrack abruptly switches to the theatrical * “Batman” theme. * DAFFY To the pawnshop! * A hand grabs him by the throat. It’s DJ. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * (pointing) * The Joker’s getting away! * DJ Tell it to the judge! 9A EXT. BACKLOT - CONTINUOUS 9A DJ, carrying Daffy by the neck, walks away from the Batmobile, toward camera. He does not see the flames shoot from the back of the Batmobile. But Daffy does. DAFFY So, feeling pretty good about yourself? DJ I am. In the b.g., the Batmobile starts to move. DAFFY You bested that dastardly duck. DJ I did. The Batmobile is moving pretty fast now. Folks start to run after it. Daffy is watching all this. DAFFY And now you’re going to offer your catch to the pretty executive... DJ Indeed.
In the b.g., the Batmobile crashes into the Warner Brothers water tower, knocking one of its supports completely clear. 12 EXT. BACKLOT — STREET 12 * Kate drives Bugs in her Cabriolet convertible. BUGS That had to be Daffy’s most spectacular career suicide ever. DJ (O.S.) Hey! Kate turns and sees: HER POV DJ stands and proudly holds Daffy aloft. Right behind him, though, the water tower is toppling over and coming right at her. BUGS and KATE * Watch the water tower coming at them. * BUGS * It’s times like this I’m glad I’m * a cartoon. * ANOTHER ANGLE The water tower spills a wall of water onto Kate and Bugs. DJ and Daffy escape injury when the legs of the tower land on either side of them. ON THE CAR Kate sputters, neck deep in water. Bugs floats in an inflatable ring, wearing sunglasses, laughing. BUGS (CONT’D) * (laughing) * Ooh, Daffy! That’s his third water * tower this year! * A furious Kate glares at DJ holding Daffy. DAFFY (to DJ) I think she likes you. 16. 9A CONTINUED: 9A INT. WARNER BROS. COMMISSARY - DAY VARIOUS WARNER BROTHERS STARS lunch casually with TimeWarner CARTOON CELEBRITIES of their choice. At the first table, PORKY PIG is eating with SPEEDY * GONZALEZ, wearing their police uniforms from earlier. * PORKY * (pointing) * You gonna finish that? * SPEEDY * Yes, stop asking! * We PAN with SAM SHEEPDOG and RALPH WOLF, lugging their * lunch pails. * SHAGGY (O.S.) * I trusted you, man... * A traditionally animated SHAGGY and SCOOBY DOO are * talking to MATTHEW LILLARD, playing himself. SHAGGY (CONT’D) * And you, like, made me sound like * a, like, total space cadet. MATTHEW LILLARD I’m sorry you feel that way. I tried to be true to your character. Shaggy leans over the booth aggressively. SHAGGY If you, like, goof on me in the sequel, I’m coming after you! Scooby gets into Matthew Lillard’s face, GROWLING very, very realistically. Matthew does a scared Shaggy take. Bugs and Kate are at the third table. At the table behind * them, the POOR SCHLUB from “One Froggy Evening” is * happily eating what appear to be frog’s legs. * KATE Some areas of the script I think we need to address: there’s no heart, no one’s cooperating, nobody learns anything...
BUGS Daffy learns not to stick his head in a jet engine. KATE He’s gone. BUGS Oh, Daffy always comes back. I just tell him how much I need him. We hug. We cry. I drop something heavy on him. I laugh. KATE * The question is, how can I help * you reposition your brand * identity? Answer: team you up with * a hot female co-star! * BUGS * Hot female love interest?! * Bugs disappears under the table for a split second and * then pops back up. He’s dressed like Christina Aguilera * in her “Dirty” video. * BUGS (CONT’D) * (teenage girl voice) * Inappropriate pop idol? * He pops down and up again. His face is painted white and * his ears are arranged in a crazy Princess Amidala hairdo. * BUGS (CONT’D) * (Natalie Portman * impression) * Zombie alien Princess? * Bugs pops down under and comes back up as Carmen Miranda. * BUGS (CONT’D) * (Carmen Miranda * impression) * Or, the always hilarious Latin * spitfire with fruit on her head? * KATE About the cross-dressing. In the past, funny. Today, disturbing. BUGS * No, this is disturbing.
Two bouquets of flowers blossom out of Bugs’ ears. (The * flowers should blossom fairly slowly and not spring out * like a magician’s trick. The joke here should be more * quiet and eerie than vaudeville.) * KATE Look, I can’t reinvigorate you if you won’t play ball with me... A baseball plops into Kate’s drink, splashing her. Bugs sits across from her in a baseball uniform, casually * pounding his fist into a glove. * KATE (CONT’D) * That’s not funny. * BUGS * We disagree. * Bugs casually points to the various people laughing at * Kate. * KATE * Let’s change the subject. Here, * you’ll love this. The consumer * products people visualized some * concepts for your new look. * Kate produces a sketch of Bugs wearing baggy lowriders, * half shirt and Rasta cap. * KATE (CONT’D) * Urban suburban. Urban look, but * roomier in the waist. * Kate looks to Bugs for affirmation. He is not paying * attention, but is instead signing an autograph for the * Power Puff Girls. * BUGS * (reciting by rote) * “What’s up, Bubbles, Buttercup and * Blossom? See you at Pismo Beach. * Signed, that wascally wabbit, * Bugs.” * POWER PUFF GIRLS * Thank you. * The Power Puff Girls fly off-screen. We hear a loud * crash. Bugs turns back toward Kate.
BUGS * You said something? * KATE * (putting foot down) * Stop. Listen. I’m trying to be * nice, but I was brought in to * leverage your synergy, and I’m not * going to let you or some wacky * duck— * Bugs puts up one hand politely to stop her. * BUGS * Could you hold that thought? * Bugs casually places five Oscar-like statues on the * table. He then hoists up his Hollywood Walk of Fame star, * which he has apparently jack-hammered out of the * sidewalk. * EFFECT: DXed clips play magically behind Bugs and the * table: Brünnhilde Bugs astride a horse in “What’s Opera, * Doc,” and Conductor “Leopold” Bugs from “Long-Haired * Hair;” Head-massaging Barber Bugs from “The Rabbit of * Seville,” and Dancing Genie Bugs in “Ali Baba Bunny.” * MUSIC: A stirring, fife-and-drums version of “What’s Up, * Doc?” * Bugs leans in, smiling, chin in palm, as if he’s * genuinely interested. * BUGS (CONT’D) * I’m sorry. Before I so rudely * interrupted, you were telling me * how to be me? * Kate is completely flummoxed. * 16 EXT. DRAKE HOUSE — AFTERNOON 16 * A fancy English Tudor. DJ rides up on his motorbike. GRANNY (O.S.) Little Damian! GRANNY is clipping the hedges next door. TWEETY is in a cage on a stand next to her. The top of Sylvester’s head can be viewed eying Tweety. DJ waves back, smiling warmly but wearily.
DJ Hey, Granny! Tweety! TWEETY How was your first day at work? DJ Eventful. DJ goes in the house. * Granny doesn’t notice that Sylvester is up at her level, about to put his hand in the cage. She snips the hedges absent-mindedly, lopping off Sylvester’s tail. Sylvester * screams and shoots out of frame. * INT. DRAKE HOUSE - DAY DJ enters the house. He shuts the door and sighs deeply. There is the sudden sound of his gym bag UNZIPPING. Daffy * climbs out. * DAFFY * Look, it’s your old friend, Daffy * Duck. * Daffy sticks out his tongue and gives DJ a great big Wet * Willy (tongue in ear). * DJ Hey, how...? DAFFY Don't think about it for too long; it'll just mess with your head. Daffy strolls around the place, touching everything, * turning stuff over, shaking it, etc. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * So, looks like you and me are * fellow slackers, footloose and * employment free... * DJ I’m sorry. Did I miss the part where I invited you in? Daffy places his hand on a neat stack of magazines and spreads them haphazardly across the table. He glances at the covers. Bugs is on every one. Daffy snorts.
DAFFY Liberal media bias. Daffy picks up a Hollywood Reporter, which somehow * managed to get printed, delivered and end up in a pile of * read magazines in a house. * DAFFY (V.O.) (CONT’D) * Well, no such thing as bad * publi... * (noticing something) * Oooo... * DJ * Perhaps I was being too polite. * Get out. * DAFFY * (laughs) * If I had a nickel for... * Daffy notices something. He zips out of frame: *
OTHER SIDE OF ROOM * Daffy zips over to a wall featuring framed posters. * CLOSE ON * "ICE SPIES,” starring Damian Drake * CLOSE ON * Another Damien Drake movie, "TO LIVE INSTEAD OF DIE" * CLOSE ON * “SCAR CAUSER.” * DAFFY * Stares in awe as DJ enters frame. * DAFFY (CONT’D) Your dad’s Damian Drake, the super spy? DJ (been here before) He’s an actor. Who plays a spy. Daffy knocks an award off a plaque.
DJ (CONT’D) And that, that was his “I Spy” Award. DAFFY (correcting) Ingenious. An actor who plays a super spy as a cover for being a super spy playing an actor! I'll bet this whole dump’s a super spy lair! Nothing is as it seems. As he’s talking, Daffy is looking around with the * magnifying glass. He looks towards the audience and we * see his eye in the magnifying glass. On the word “lair” * he pulls the magnifying glass away from his face, but * there is still an eye in the glass that continues looking * around as he says, “Nothing is as it seems.” * DJ You spend a lot of time on the Internet, don’t you? DJ walks away. Daffy is already at the tray, closely examining items on it. DAFFY You know, you’re probably protected by an invisible force field right this minute. Daffy picks an apple from a fruit bowl and throws it. DAFFY (CONT’D) * Shields on! *
The apple hits DJ in the face. *
DJ Ow! DAFFY * (amazed) * A force-field-penetrating apple. * Devilishly clever. * SFX: RINGING CELL PHONE DJ Feel free to continue your delusional ranting while I answer my...
We cut to the strange, futuristic remote control. DJ (CONT’D) ...Remote? INT. MEDIA ROOM - CONTINUOUS The TV remote is indeed ringing. DJ picks it up. DJ Hello? He presses the button. Instead of the TV turning on, a projector pops out of an old radio. The projector projects an image onto the painting. The painting dissolves into a view screen. It's Damian DRAKE, looking straight into camera. He looks intense. DAMIAN Son? DJ Dad, why are you in the painting? * DAMIAN * Listen, DJ. I wanted to leave you out of this, but there’s no one else I can trust. Can you hold on a second? Damian’s face drops off the TV screen and we briefly see a thug approaching camera. In the foreground of the camera we see a fist form. The camera-fist ZOOM IN to the face of the thug. Damian’s face comes back into view. DJ Are you shooting a movie or something? Daffy zips up next to DJ, lugging a giant sandwich. * DAMIAN Come to Las Vegas. Damian pauses to punch a bad guy. DAMIAN (CONT’D) Ask Dusty Tails about the Blue Monkey. * Daffy bites a big hunk off his sandwich, chewing eagerly * as he watches.
DJ Blue Monkey? DAMIAN It’s a diamond. A very special diamond. Daffy freezes with the sandwich in his mouth. His eyes * dilate and saliva pours out of his mouth all over the * sandwich. * ON THE PAINTING A fist comes into frame, punching Damian’s head o.s. There’s a flurry of feet and arms on screen. Damian, a little bloodied, appears back on screen. DJ Dad, are you okay? Should I call the police? DAMIAN No police. Son, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before, but— A huge hand grabs Damian’s face from behind. Several parts of BAD GUYS swarm in. It’s a dark blur. DJ Dad? * DJ is in shock. Behind him, Daffy is ranting joyously. * DAFFY * Diamond?! I'm rich! Filthily so! * I've joined the leisure class! * We PUSH into Daffy’s eye. His pupil is a diamond. * DAFFY’S ANIMATED FANTASY * MUSIC: “Bling Bling” by B.G. and the Hot Boys * We PULL OUT of Daffy’s eye to reveal he is brightly * bejeweled. Around his head is a crown of diamonds. The * rim of his beak is studded with diamonds. His tongue has * a diamond stud. His Adam’s apple is suspciously diamond * shaped. And, oh yeah, his other eye has been replaced * with a diamond.
We pull back further to reveal that DAFFY is wearing an * Elvis-style cape studded with diamonds. Clinging to him ( * a la the Superfly poster) is a bodacious babe, made * entirely of diamonds. * We pull back further to reveal that Daffy is sitting atop * a giant diamond, which is flying through the sky like a * magic carpet. Daffy raises his diamond scepter. * LONG SHOT * Daffy’s flying diamond is bearing down on a fleeing Bugs. * Bolts of energy shoot from Daffy’s scepter and zap Bugs * in the rump. * Diamond Daffy flies at camera. We ZOOM again into his * eye. * His pupil turns into the the classic “That’s All, Folks” * rings. * MUSIC: “Merry-Go-Round Broke Down.” * OUT OF FANTASY * We pull out of the rings to reveal that they are Daffy’s * pupils. We pull out further to reveal that next to Daffy * is a very concerned DJ. * DJ, still in shock, gets up and starts walking. DJ I gotta go save my dad... DAFFY * Oh yeah, that. * INT. DRAKE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS DJ walks through the house, concerned. * DAFFY Spies and diamonds and sexy dames, no doubt! DJ enters the foyer and Daffy zips in front of him. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * This is going to be our greatest * mission ever!
DJ steps over Daffy to get his coat. Daffy turns. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * (slightly put out) * That was a bit disrespectful. * DJ ignores this and walks toward the garage. Daffy jumps * back into the fray. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * First stop, Las Vegas, city of * the... Vegases. Should we jet or * copter in? * DJ * (mostly to self) We’ll take my Dad’s old car... DAFFY A superspy car? Let’s roll! OMIT INT. DAMIAN DRAKE’S GARAGE — A MINUTE LATER It’s pretty dark. DJ pushes the garage door button. DJ This isn’t a spy car. As the door opens, we see the car is a 1974 Gremlin. DAFFY Don’t be ridiculous. Your dad’s a spy; ipso ergo, spy car. DJ I used to deliver pizzas in this car. DJ gets in the car. Daffy is already there. DAFFY Secret pizzas? DAFFY (ALT. LINE) (CONT’D) * (knowing) * Right. Pizzas. * DJ grabs Daffy and throws him out the driver side window. DJ rolls up the window quickly, catching Daffy’s bill in the very top. The very end of Daffy’s bill speaks.
DAFFY (CONT’D) * (Very high) Spy car. DJ starts the Gremlin. He pushes Daffy’s bill out window with his finger. He drives out of the garage. * EXT. DRAKE HOUSE — CONTINUOUS As the Gremlin goes down the driveway onto the street, Daffy suddenly pops up in the back seat. DAFFY DUCK (SOME O.S.) You know how you know it’s a spy car? Because it doesn’t look like a spy car. The Gremlin drives o.s. As the garage door closes, the floor flips over (à la “The Green Hornet”) REVEALING A SLEEK SILVER SPY CAR. 31 EXT. CARTOON FOREST - DAY (DAILIES) (SCENE MOVED) 31 * Elmer stands, facing Bugs, his face blank, his shotgun * held at ease. Bugs chats on his cell phone. * BUGS * Jackie said what? That lying-- * SFX: STAGE BUZZER * BUGS (CONT’D) * Gotta go. * Bugs hangs up quickly. * A clapboard enters screen. It reads: "BACK IN ACTION / SCENE: 7 / TAKE: 1 / DIR: J. DANTE" JOE DANTE (O.S.) Action! MUSIC: “PEER GYNT,” as arranged by Carl Stalling. * Elmer suddenly snaps out of his stupor and raises his * shotgun, immediately in character. * ELMER * Say your prayers, rabbit! * Bugs turns aside the gun.
BUGS * Oh, for shame! Hunting rabbits in * duck hunting season. * JAMIE KENNEDY trots in wearing a duck suit. JAMIE DUCK That, sir, is an unmitigated fabrication. It’s rabbit season! BUGS Duck season! JAMIE DUCK Rabbit season! BUGS Duck season! JAMIE DUCK Rabbit season! BUGS Rabbit season! JAMIE DUCK Well, I say it's duck season and I say fire! Elmer raises his shotgun. 32 INT. WARNER BROS SCREENING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (SCENE 32 * MOVED) * The Warner Bros, Bugs, Kate, and Elmer watch the screen as we hear a SHOTGUN BLAST. * ELMER (shielding his eyes) Turn it off. Turn it off! Elmer runs off. Bugs eats popcorn. BUGS Probably shoulda filmed that last * instead of first. * MR. WARNER We need another duck.
MR. WARNER’S BROTHER Is Rob Schneider still in the business? BUGS I think he’s in the Peace Corps * now. * MR. WARNER Well then, I’m out of ideas. MR. WARNER’S BROTHER I’ve never had an idea. BUGS Let's see. We need a duck who can take a shotgun blast to the head * and make it funny instead of * (vaguely gestures to * screen) * ...gooey. If only there were such * a duck. Hmmmmmmm... * (leaning into Kate, * more insistent) * Hmmmm. * KATE * What do you want me to say? That we shouldn’t have gotten rid of Daffy? Well, a decision has been made and I think it was a sound one. MR. WARNER * (casual) You’re fired. KATE What? MR. WARNER’S BROTHER (casual) You got rid of our best duck. * KATE You can’t fire me! My movies have made nine hundred and fifty million dollars! MR. WARNER That’s not a billion.
MR. WARNER’S BROTHER Nope, not a billion. BUGS * (Warner Brothers * Impression) * Nope. * KATE (back-pedalling) Okay... I think we can all agree that the decision to get rid of Daffy was a poor one. * Kate begins to cross in front of the theater screen. * KATE (CONT’D) But it’s time to move on... Just before she stops, we see Bugs enter from the right * and zip up behind her. * CLOSE ON KATE * As she finishes her speech, the shadow tips of Bugs’ ears * creep out near the top of her head, fashioning devil * horns. * KATE (CONT’D) ...and by move on I mean reversing course and getting Daffy back. MR. WARNER By Monday. This movie is costing us a million dollars a day. MR. WARNER’S BROTHER Plus gratuities. KATE I’ll have Daffy back by Monday. Kate turns to see: BUGS * Standing against whatever-that-is, eating a carrot and * shaking his head sadly. * BUGS * I tried to warn you. Oh, wait, no * I didn’t.
Bugs gives a small laugh and makes an “oops” gesture. He * does not, however, say, “My Bad.” * EXT. HIGHWAY 15 - LATE AFTERNOON (SCENE MOVED) * The Gremlin zooms down the highway. Daffy flies out of * the window and lands in the foreground, then skids out of * view. * INT. GREMLIN — CONTINUOUS * The glove compartment pops open and Daffy climbs out. He plops down next to DJ, and cracks his neck. * DJ I’m getting a little tired of throwing you out of the car. DAFFY That’s my plan in a nutshell. (settling in) Now if we run into anything that requires superspy skills, like cracking wise or smooching dames, you’d be better leave that to me. However, if we have any security guarding needs... DJ Funny, funny duck. But I’m not a security guard, okay? That’s just what I do for money. DAFFY Hm hm. DJ What I really am, is I’m a stuntman. DAFFY * You? <Raspberry of disbelief> * DJ You see those Mummy movies? I’m in them more than Brendan Fraser is. Daffy’s eye twitches.
DJ (CONT’D) * (suddenly bitter) * Oh, no, he couldn’t stand that. * EXT. HIGHWAY 15 — CONTINUOUS * On the Gremlin as it drives off. * DAFFY * You’d better leave everything to * me. * EXT. MANSION — DAY (NEW SCENE) * To some it will be recognizable as “Stately Wayne Manor.” * To others, its simply the house at 380 S. San Rafael * Avenue in Pasadena. (If this looks too much like the * Drake house, then the Beverly Hillbillies’ mansion.) * SFX: Ringing Phone * We PUSH IN slowly up the rolling lawn toward the mansion, * but then the camera suddenly turns toward the grass, * where there is a large rabbit hole. * We go DOWN the rabbit hole. * INT. BUGS BUNNY’S LAIR — CONTINUOUS (NEW SCENE) * It’s a live-action (or CGI version) of Bugs's traditional * dirt wall hole. Bugs sits in a comfy, slightly tattered * easy chair, watching “Antiques Road Show.” * BUGS * Sixteen hundred bucks for a salad * bowl? Come on! * SFX: Ringing Phone * Bugs clicks “Mute” on the remote and answers his non- * carrot-shaped phone. * BUGS (CONT’D) * (on phone) * Eh, what's up, Doc? * DAFFY * Ha!
BUGS * Daffy? * SPLIT SCREEN * Pushing in from right is: * EXT. HIGHWAY 15 - CONTINUOUS (PLATE MAY EXIST) * Daffy on the cellphone, riding in the Gremlin. As Daffy * talks, he casually pushes on his side of split screen, * gradually occupying more of the frame and squeezing Bugs. *
DAFFY * Just a friendly call to inform you * that while you’re pretending to * star in an action movie, I’m * starring in my own action reality! * Me and my sidekick DJ are on our * way to Vegas to score the Blue * Monkey, a huge diamond which will * enable me to buy all your friends * and make them snub you at social * events! * Bugs is now squeezed with his knees against his chest. * BUGS * Daff, listen, I think I can get * you your old job back with less of * a pay cut than usual. * Daffy gives the split screen a tiny shove as he responds. * DAFFY * Ha! Do you hear my laughter? Ha! I * repeat, for your delicatation: Ha! * Daffy hangs up triumphantly. Unfortunately, he also lets * go of the split screen he had been pushing. The moment he * notices this, the screen “snaps” back in his direction * and crushes his head. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * <crushed head sound> * The split screen pushes the last little bit, obliterating * Daffy entirely.
END SPLIT SCREEN * Bugs stares at the receiver in confusion. * BUGS * Blue monkey? * VIDEO EFFECT: RACHET IN * To Bugs’ lower face as the animation “rewinds. The * animation should look somewhat pixilated. * BUGS (CONT’D) * (electronic * distortion) * Blue Monkey. * ECU BUGS’ MOUTH * Very futzed, lots of noise. * BUGS (CONT’D) * (extremely distorted) * Blue Monkey. * The fuzzy movement of Bug’s tongue in his black mouth * becomes: * A FLICKERING WAVEFORM * PULL BACK to reveal other WAVEFORMS, and other spectral * voices saying things like “Blue Moon,” “Ooh, money,” * “Blue Only,” “Blooming peonies” and “Do the monkey.” * A huge map of the world flickers with waveforms. An ALERT * SOUND. A waveform on the West Coast flashes red. * INT. HIGH-TECH COMMUNICATIONS ROOM — CONTINUOUS * A huge figure looks up from a book. The monitor zooms in * on the red waveform: North America, West Coast, Los * Angeles area, where we see a single waveform connecting a * position in Beverly Hills to one in the desert. * BUGS * (futzed) * Blue Monkey. * The figure closes his book: “PAIN AND ITS CREATION.” He stands. This is MR. SMITH.
INT. ACME HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY — MOMENTS LATER Mr. Smith walks down a steamy hallway. INT. ACME BUILDING — BOARDROOM — DAY Presiding at the acme of the dais is MR. CHAIRMAN. MR. CHAIRMAN That is unacceptable! We cannot have nine-year-old children working in sweatshops making Acme sneakers! Not when three-year-olds eat so much less! The V.P.’s all lunge for their buzzers. V.P., CHILD LABOR But they require naps. MR. CHAIRMAN Put double expresso in their sippy cups. The VPs all laugh. Mr. Chairman reaches down. MR. CHAIRMAN (CONT’D) All right, what’s coming up next on the agenda? Where’s my people? What’s the next thing? Mr. Smith taps him on the shoulder, startling him. Mr. Smith whispers in Mr. Chairman’s ear. MR. CHAIRMAN (CONT’D) * Thank you, Mr. Smith. * (to the board) Grave news, my friends. Mr. Chairman picks up one of several remotes on his console. He hits a button and a floating video screen descends in front of the dais. The video screen is blue * and says in the upper corner, “GAME ONE.” * MR. CHAIRMAN (CONT’D) (annoyed sound) TV. Video. TV. Video. The blue screen reads, “VIDEO 2”, “VIDEO 3”, “AUX”, and * then:
CLIP: “I WANNA SINGA” Mr. Chairman struggles with the remote some more. * Finally, a picture appears on the screen: it begins as a * satellite picture of the Mojave desert, but ZOOMS IN to a * car on Highway 15, and finally on the Gremlin. * Mr. Chairman continues as if he hadn’t been interrupted by this bit of business. MR. CHAIRMAN (CONT’D) It seems as if Damian Drake’s son knows about the Blue Monkey and is on his way to Las Vegas. We will learn the location of the diamond before he does or my name isn’t... Frank? Mr. Chairman pushes a button on the remote. * SECURITY CAMERA POV A padded room. Damian is strapped into a folding chair. Two INTERROGATORS come at him. MR. CHAIRMAN (CONT’D) How’s the interrogation going? Just then Damian rears back and kicks both of the interrogators square in the face. One of them staggers to his feet and talks directly to the security camera. INTERROGATOR He’s about to crack. Damian drags the interrogator back with his feet. * An annoyed Mr. Chairman clicks a button. * VIDEO SCREEN (O.S.) * (loud, sung) * COME AND KNOCK ON MY DOOR... * Exasperated, he pushes another few buttons until the video screen shut’s down and disappears. MR. CHAIRMAN (building intensity) We cannot let the good guys win this time, people. 37. CONTINUED: (MORE)
We must capture this son of a spy, we must find out the location of the diamond, and we must use it for our own diabolical ends! Mr. Chairman turns to a FEMALE V.P., businesslike. MR. CHAIRMAN (CONT’D) Copy that to all departments. FEMALE V.P. I didn’t quite get that. MR. CHAIRMAN Didn’t quite... Something about capturing the son of a spy and using the diamond to our own diabolic ends... and be sure to use the laugh. I like the laugh, don’t you? (abruptly) AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME?! FEMALE V.P. Mary. MR. CHAIRMAN Well, Mary... (suddenly flirty) How’d you like to do a little kissing later? (off her repulsive snort) That’s what they all say, at first. Mr. Chairman walks to the center of the room. MR. CHAIRMAN (CONT’D) Soon the Acme Corporation shall tower over all of creation! THE BOARD (together) All of creation. Mr. Chairman LAUGHS EVILLY. The board joins in. As their laughter builds we PULL OUT, through the glass walls. The ACME skyscraper towers above all others. VOICE (O.S.) Wait a minute. 38. C
The laughter stops abruptly and we zip back into the boardroom. V.P., RHETORICAL QUESTIONS What about the duck? MR. CHAIRMAN (a beat, then) Extra crispy. 34 EXT. DRAKE HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON 34 * An Acme taxi pulls away, depositing Kate. 35 EXT. DRAKE HOUSE - DOOR — MOMENTS LATER 35 Kate approaches the door and knocks. The door opens slightly. She pushes the door open and enters. 36 INT. DRAKE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 36 KATE (calls) Mr. Drake? DJ... Kate walks around. KATE (CONT’D) I’m not here to fire you again... I just want to know if that duck told you where he was— Just then, Kate hears something. It’s coming from: 37 INT. DRAKE HOUSE — HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS 37 Kate opens the door. Steam pours out. She enters. 38 INT. DRAKE HOUSE — BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 38 A misty shroud. As it clears, Kate sees a silhouette in the shower. Kate pulls back the curtain. Bugs turns in terror, in a shot identical to “Psycho.” BUGS <scream>
QUICK CUTS duplicate the “Psycho” shower scene precisely, except of course Kate just stands there, befuddlement turning to annoyance. Bugs, on the tile, his eye unblinking. Kate looks down at him, pissed. She turns and exits. * 45 INT. DRAKE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 45 * Kate walks out but Bugs has disappeared. KATE Why are you torturing me? What— Kate stops. She sees the Damian Drake movie posters. KATE (CONT’D) I fired the son of our biggest star. This has been a careermaking day, Kate. (getting weepy) First you get rid of that duck everybody hates but then of course they all want him back... * Kate passes a suit of armor. Out of the corner of her eye * she notices Bugs peeking out. * KATE (CONT’D) * (getting weepy) * But worst of all you get in a big * fight with Bugs Bunny, who you revere and who you’ve tried to model your life after... Over the above, Bugs starts to cry inside the suit of * armor. At the end of her speech, Bugs comes out of the * visor, wiping his eyes with his ears. * BUGS * I hate to see a grown man cry, especially when its a girl. Listen, would it make you stop * bawling if I told you Daffy said * he was going to Las Vegas with * some guy named DJ? * KATE (still play-acting) It might
Bugs “opens” the chest of the armor and climbs out. He puts his arm around Kate’s waist and leads her to a door. BUGS Hey, hey, suck up those tears. * C’mon, c’mon. I even know how we * can get to Vegas... * 46 INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS 46 * Bugs opens the door and flicks on light switch. * BUGS * And fast, too. * The spy car looks fast even standing still. Kate’s tears instantly dry up. KATE (all business) Perfect. Kate exits. Bugs realizes: * BUGS * I been outwitted by a girl. I * don’t know whether to kiss her * or... * (suddenly grim) * ... destroy her. * (shrugs happily) * I’ll decide later. * 47 INT. GARAGE — SPY CAR - A BEAT LATER 47 Kate fastens her seat belt. Bugs fastens his seat belt. He turns to Kate, as if to a chauffeur. * BUGS Las Vegas, driver. The inside of the spy car suddenly glows to life. SPY CAR VOICE * Taking you to Las Vegas, sir. * The engine ROARS. Kate takes her hands off the wheel.
EXT. DRAKE HOUSE - GARAGE - CONTINUOUS 48 The car leaps out of the garage. Its wheels don't touch the ground until the end of the driveway. * 48A EXT. GRANNY’S HOUSE — YARD — CONTINUOUS 48A Granny is watering her lawn with a hose. She turns to watch the car careen off. In doing so, she happens to shoot water in Sylvester’s wide open mouth, which had been poised to eat Tweety. Tweety flies out of Sylvester’s paw and he fills with water. EXT. STREET — CONTINUOUS The Spycar fishtails into the street, then zooms off like a stock car. EXT. GRANNY’S HOUSE — YARD — CONTINUOUS A water-filled Sylvester staggers backwards and into a spiky cactus plant. Granny picks him off the cactus. Water shots out of his holes. Granny waters the plants with him. Tweety watches from her shoulder. TWEETY * Poor puddy tat. He can’t hold his * liquids. * EXT. HIGHWAY 15 — MOJAVE DESERT — DAY The spy car streaks along. BUGS * (sings) BRIGHT LIGHT CITY GONNA SET MY * SOUL/ GONNA SET MY SOUL ON FIRE/ * GOTTA WHOLE LOTTA MONEY THAT’S A- * READY TO BURN/ SO GET THOSE STAKES * UP HIGHER... * INT. SPY CAR — CONTINUOUS * Bugs FLAILS on a banjo as he sings.
BUGS * SO VIVA, LAS VEGAS/ VIVA -- *
Kate grabs the banjo and throws it out the window.
BUGS (CONT’D) * You've got no music in your soul, * you know that? * KATE I'm aware of that, yes. Bugs shrugs and turns to the dashboard. It's a dizzying * array of hardware. Bugs’ hand hovers over the switches. * BUGS * Jeesh, he went for all the * options. Chump. * KATE Don’t touch anything. This is Damian Drake’s car, and I swear, if you... Bugs flicks a switch. Through the back windshield we see two white jet streams shoot out. A moment later, two huge fireballs erupt a half mile back. BUGS * That must be for pesky fans. Let’s * see... * Bugs quickly pushes another button. The car makes a * martini. * SPY CAR VOICE * Your drink, sir. Shall I drive? * BUGS * No thanks, Jeeves. * (re: Kate) * I gotta mule skin. * KATE If you touch one more button — BUGS Shh. I'm about to defy you.
Bugs reaches. Kate blocks him. In doing so, she activates * something on the flat panel. * SPY CAR VOICE * Please remain calm. Hands at your * sides. * A FLURRY OF ROBOTIC ARMS shoot out of the dash and attack * Kate and Bugs. She screams. * EXT. HIGHWAY 15 The car swerves all over the road. INT. SPY CAR - MOVING The robot arms retract, revealing Kate in a stunning evening gown and Bugs in a tuxedo. * SPY CAR VOICE * Dinner attire activated. * Bugs looks over at Kate curiously. * BUGS * But if Damien Drake is usually in * that seat... * SPY CAR VOICE * Mood music, sir? * BUGS * Don’t mind if I do. * Bugs says as he pulls another mandolin out of nowhere. * BUGS (CONT’D) * (sings) * SO VIVA! * EXT. HIGHWAY 15 * The car drives off as we hear... * BUGS (O.S.) * (singing) * Viva! Las Vegas! * (as Elvis) * Thank you very much.
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - WOODEN NICKEL - EVENING 49 * The huge casino’s facade is a six-story neon Yosemite Sam. He waves bags of gold. Across Sam’s hat letters sparkle: "THE WOODEN NICKEL. An Acme Casino." The marquee reads, “Now Appearing: Dusty Tails.” The Gremlin pulls into the valet parking area. PUSH IN on "Sam’s" eyes. We see they are windows, into: 50 INT. WOODEN NICKEL — SAM’S OFFICE — CONTINUOUS 50 YOSEMITE SAM is confronted by Mr. Smith. YOSEMITE SAM You want the varmints and what they come for. I gotcha. But what’s in it for Sam? Mr. Smith reaches off-frame and produces a treasure chest. He places it on the desk in front of Sam. When Mr. Smith opens the chest, a GOLDEN GLOW bathes Sam’s face. SAM <greedy chuckle> Mr. Smith grabs Sam’s head, shoves it in the chest, and calmly SLAMS the lid on it several times. Sam emerges with a couple of teeth missing. YOSEMITE SAM I gotcha. 51 INT. WOODEN NICKEL — CASINO - CONTINUOUS 51 DJ and Daffy enter and react in amazement. A wild, Wild West-themed casino. A savage brawl involving several cowboys is in progress. One smashes another over the head with a slot machine. The victim goes down. A beat, and he gets up; indicates the others should join him. The cowboys hold hands and bow. APPLAUSE. BLAM BLAM BLAM! Cartoon bullets strike Daffy's upper bill, spinning it clockwise around his head. Another bullet hits his lower bill, spinning out of sync with the first.
A third hits his upper bill as it rounds the other side, spinning it in the opposite direction. It's now completely askew. People APPLAUD. DJ Wow. You can almost smell the gunpowder. DAFFY (dryly) Yes. An incredible simulation. 52 INT. CASINO — A FEW FEET AWAY — CONTINUOUS 52 NASTY CANASTA and COTTONTAIL SMITH stand, guns smoking. Sam smacks them with his hat. SAM No, you imbeciles! We wait till he gets what’s he’s coming for! NASTY CANASTA And then we blast him? SAM Then we blast him. NASTY CANASTA (holstering gun) Long as we get to blast ‘em. 53A INT. WOODEN NICKEL — STAGE AREA 53A DJ walks close to the stage, looking for a way to sneak backstage. Daffy follows, excitedly reading a Playbill with a picture of Dusty on the cover. DAFFY Did you know Dusty Tails sang the theme songs to six Damian Drake movies? DJ Yes. He’s my father. Remember? DAFFY I keep failing to see the resemblance, somehow. (re: program) Ooh, I hope she sings the love theme from “The Throat Punchers.”
The house lights drop. ON STAGE A SHAPELY COWGIRL descends from above on a swing, dressed in Victorian clothes. It’s DUSTY TAILS. DUSTY (sweet) When I was just a little girl, my dear old grandmama took me aside, and she said to me: MUSIC STARTS. Dusty sings a country-fried cover of the Backstreet Boys’ “If you Wanna Be a Good Girl (Get Yourself a Bad Man)” DUSTY (CONT’D) (singing) IF YOU WANNA BE GOOD GIRL/GET YOURSELF A BAD MAN... Dusty lifts her dress, and little YOSEMITE SAMS run out.
58 INT. WOODEN NICKEL - ON STAGE 58 Dusty sings and dances. 58A INT. WOODEN NICKEL — STAGE RIGHT 58A DJ and Daffy watch this from the wings. DJ (loud stage whisper) Psst. Dusty! DUSTY! Dusty looks to the wings, annoyed, and continues singing. 59 INT. WOODEN NICKEL — ON STAGE 59 A chorus of Yosemite Sams line-dance behind Dusty. A hand reaches out from the wings and yanks one of them backstage. Much too soon later, DJ emerges wearing the ill-fitting costume and mask. Aping the dance moves, he makes his way toward Dusty, shoving the other Sams aside.
The song hits a dance break. DJ sees his opening and sidles up to Dusty. DJ I need to talk to you. DUSTY (annoyed) You know the rules. You grow, you go. Dusty attempts to dance away from DJ. He hooks her into a dosie-do and speaks to her urgently. DJ I’m DJ Drake, Damien’s son. DUSTY What? How do I know you’re really...? DJ spins Dusty into a masterful embrace. Her eyes widen. DUSTY (CONT’D) You are Damien’s son. IN THE WINGS An annoyed Daffy fingers the script. DAFFY I don’t have anything to do at all in this scene. ON STAGE Note: The below bold-faced business may have been cut. Dusty and DJ finish the number. BIG APPLAUSE. Daffy runs in and slides across the stage on his knees, stopping in front of Dusty and DJ. He throws his arms open theatrically. The applause abruptly stops. DJ picks Dusty up and carries her off-stage. IN THE WINGS DJ deposits Dusty. The LITTLE SAM whose costume DJ is wearing is standing there in his underwear.
DJ (To little Sam) Hey, thanks a lot. If I can ever, if you need anything taken down off a high shelf or something... ALT. DJ hands Little Sam a twenty. DUSTY Don’t I pay you enough? LITTLE SAM (matter-of-fact) No. INT. DUSTY'S DRESSING ROOM * DJ sits on a chair while Daffy pokes around, as usual. * DUSTY * Please excuse me while I change... * Dusty goes behind a scrim and starts to undress. * DJ * Okay, but I don’t have much time. * My dad’s in trouble. He told me to * ask you about the Blue Monkey. * Dusty sticks her head out from the scrim. * DUSTY * So then you know? * DJ * (badly faking) * Oh, yeah. Sure. Definitely yes. * Dusty goes back behind the scrim again. * DUSTY * I figured something must have * happened when he didn’t show up. * I’m so sorry. But that’s what * comes with being a spy. * DJ is stunned. Daffy perks up. * DAFFY * Ha! I was right!
DJ * (dazed) * So, you’re a spy, too? * BEHIND SCRIM * DUSTY (BEHIND SCRIM) * The pop diva thing, that’s only * one side of me. I also work for * the agency as a professional * assassin. * Above the scrim, Dusty fingers a very dangerous looking * throwing disc or knife (Klingonesque). As she speaks the * following, she secrets the disc somewhere on her person, * with slight discomfort. * DUSTY (CONT’D) * It’s really hard juggling the two * sometimes. I don’t know what I’m * going to do when I have kids... * DJ tries to absorb everything. * DJ * All this time my dad was a spy and * I thought he was just a movie * star... * Daffy strolls up to DJ, full of himself. * DAFFY * I was right and someone else was * wrong... By process of * elimination, that must be—— * DJ yanks off Daffy’s bill and throws it across the room. * Miffed, Daffy walks after it. DJ EXHALES MEANINGFULLY. * DUSTY * You know how hard it is to find a * nanny with advanced weapons * training? * Dusty walks out from behind the scrim. She is now wearing * a black leather catsuit, replete with taloned black * gloves, an infrared scope over one eye, etc. * DUSTY (CONT’D) * (explaining) * The Liechtenstein ambassador is in * town.
It’s payback time. *
Dusty doesn’t like the way that sounds. She touches her * earpiece, adjusting something. * DUSTY (CONT’D) * (James Earl Jones’ * voice) * It’s payback time. * She smiles. That’s better. * ON DAFFY * He screws his bill back on as he talks. * DAFFY * Fascinating. But if you don’t * mind, I have a portfolio to plan, * so if you could make with the * priceless diamond... * (gimme gesture with * hand) * Make... Make. * ON DUSTY * Dusty reaches into her sleeve. She produces a small, * black ball bearing. She pops it into her mouth and spits * it out expertly. (ALT: She has a sleek blowgun with an * infrared scope) * ON DAFFY * The ballbearing goes in one nostril, bounces around * inside Daffy’s head, knocking his pupils around like pool * balls, and shoots out the other nostril. * ON DUSTY * She snatches the ball-bearing out of thin air and shoves * it back into her sleeve. * DJ stands to address Dusty. * DJ * So, what about this Blue Monkey? * DUSTY * (James Earl Jones’ * voice)
Your father’s mission was to track * it down before forces of evil et * cetera, et cetera. I was supposed * to give him this. * Dusty reaches to her make-up mirror and removes a playing * stuck to the side. Daffy grabs it. * DAFFY * This isn’t a king-sized diamond. * This is a queen of diamonds! Whose * idea of a sick joke is this? * Dusty nonchalantly karate chops Daffy’s head, leaving a * visible dent. She takes the card back. DJ reaches for it. * DJ * I’ll take that. * Dusty puts the card down her front. * DUSTY * That’s sweet, DJ, wanting to take * over for your father. But these * evil forces, they’re bad people... * DJ * My father wanted me to do this... * DUSTY * Don’t worry about it. We’ve got * trained professionals who get paid * ... Well, not great money to tell * you the truth... * Daffy crosses, wearing a long gray coat and putting on a * homburg. * DAFFY * Some treasure hunt this turned out * to be... * Daffy opens the dressing room door. On the other side of * the door is Sam and his gang, standing next to a lit * cannon. * DJ reflexively grabs Dusty and dives out of the way. * The cannon BLASTS. The cannon ball hits Daffy in the * stomach and he flies into Dusty’s make-up mirror. And * through it. And through the wall behind it.
INT. CASINO — DRESSING AREA — CONTINUOUS Daffy and the cannonball fly through an area where showgirls are applying make-up and straightening their stockings. A beat later, the cannonball returns for whence it came, and Daffy tips his bill. DAFFY Ladies. The cannonball shoots back out. INT. CASINO — STAGE The Daffy-laden cannonball seriously disrupts some dance number. OFF STAGE The Daffy-laden cannonball flies right into a glass case containing a fire extinguisher. The case immediately explodes with white foam. INT. DUSTY’S DRESSING ROOM — CONTINUOUS Sam and the gang enter the dressing room, guns blazing. ON THE FLOOR DJ lies on top of Dusty. He plucks the card from her front, smiling. DJ Thank you. DUSTY You don’t know what you’re getting into. DJ That’s what makes life interesting. DJ jumps to his feet and exits in the direction the cannon ball went. Sam and the gang start to follow, but Dusty, still on the floor, kicks all three of them backward. She leapt to her feet and started kicking the stuffing out of Sam and his gang until Mr.Smith came "Oh I've been waiting for you" with a grim smile on his face , While Dusty had heard stories about him being the kidnapper and molester of women for ACME's reproduction mission , she started running away Sam :"GET HER NOW" the gang stood up to it's feet and quickly got Dusty , with a rope they were able to tie her down while Mr.smith undressed himself in front of her Dusty :"The fuck do you wanna do big guy ?" Mr.Smith smiled and came closer and closer to her , he used one of his socks to gag her while the gang were watching Sam :"oh well boys time to go out for the duck and bugs" the gang left the room while Mr.Smith was making her tie tighter , then used the "ACME Brainwashing machine" to change her to his side and also used the "Sex Burlap Sack" which was a part of ACME's plan for reproducing employees , she started struggling really hard so much that Mr.Smith had to put his dick right in her dry Vagina in the back to calm her down "MMU MPHFUMMIN MMMOMFA" (You fucking monster) however before that Dusty kicked Mr.Smith right into the balls really hard , causing his dick to yawn for her and finally desired for sex , few minutes later Dusty calmed down as the device had changed her thoughts , while Mr.Smith was having sex with her (and had put her socks off) , Dusty now sees herself as an ACME agent and a mate for Mr.Smith and after that Mr.Smith unsacked and untied her , this time having sex on the bed free while Mr.Smith gave her some head and big dick smash
ON THE HOLE BLASTED IN WALL DJ fights through the dust and debris and onto: INT. CASINO — STAGE — CONTINUOUS DJ makes his way across stage. BACKSTAGE DJ runs in, reaches into the foam and pulls out a foamcovered Daffy. DJ gives Daffy a shake and the foam comes off. Daffy spits a prodigious stream of foam. A cannonball shatters the wall above them. They run off. A beat later, Sam and gang run through. Nasty has the cannon under his arm. 60A-H OMIT 60A-H INT. WOODEN NICKEL — BACKSTAGE — CONTINOUS DJ and Daffy climb a ladder to a second floor landing, with Sam and the gang in pursuit. INT. WOODEN NICKEL — SECOND FLOOR LANDING DJ faces off against Sam’s gang. DJ kicks Cottontail over the railing and into a coal trolley full of money below. Nasty finally grabs DJ. The card is DJ’s shirt pocket flies loose. DJ extricates himself Nasty. DJ runs to the railing. Daffy jumps onto his shoulders. DJ sees the card fly away. DJ dives for a chandelier. He misses. INT. WOODEN NICKEL — CASINO DJ (and Daffy) falls through a poker table, the game being played entirely by LOONEY TUNES DOGS in a tableau reminiscent of “Dogs Playing Poker.” THE CARD Flies through the air, landing in a stack of cards in an electric card shuffler, where they are SHUFFLED.
The deck is transferred to card shoe at a blackjack table. (The back of DJ’s card is red; the others are blue.) 63 OMIT 63 64 INT. CASINO - BLACKJACK TABLE 64 DJ and Sam zip up almost simultaneously and take seats at the table. The dealer is FOGHORN LEGHORN. FOGHORN LEGHORN Place your bets, gentlemen. DJ and Sam quickly place their bets. Foghorn deals. In the b.g., Daffy runs up and down the fake rock formations as Nasty and Cottontail hurl lit cartoon sticks of dynamite at him. Each one hits its mark. FOGHORN LEGHORN (CONT’D) (to DJ) Sir? DJ Hit me. FOGHORN LEGHORN Don’t you want to look at your cards first, son? (to camera) Boy's got a lot to learn. DJ Just hit me. An ace. (DJ already has a two showing) DJ (CONT'D) Hit me again. YOSEMITE SAM Hit me! FOGHORN LEGHORN Await your turn, sir. Foghorn hits DJ. An ace. In the near b.g., Daffy bucks by holding onto the horns of the BULL from “Bully for Bugs.” Cottontail and Nasty give pursuit on tiny, cartoon horses.
DJ Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. YOSEMITE SAM No! Hit me, frazznabbit! FOGHORN LEGHORN I’ll hit you when I hit you. Foghorn deals DJ an ace, an ace, a two. Sam is growing with rage. DJ Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. An ace, an ace and... the red-backed Queen of Diamonds. DJ turns over his bottom card. It’s an ace. FOGHORN LEGHORN Twenty-one. A winner. DJ takes off with the Queen before Foghorn can hand him his winnings. A beat later, Daffy runs on top of the table, sweeps up the winnings, and exits. Cottontail and Nasty run across the table a second later. Sam gets up to follow, but takes one last peek at his bottom card and says: YOSEMITE SAM Hit me. Foghorn picks Sam up and matter-of-factly whacks him repeatedly on the ass with a wooden plank. EXT. CASINO CIRCULAR DRIVE — CONTINUOUS * DJ jumps out of the car and takes off across the street. * Daffy follows: * DAFFY * (heroic) * Let’s blow this pop st-- * (ALT) * Let’s do this thin-- * (ALT) * Let’s motor-- * (ALT) * And away we g--
Daffy lands on his face. * Same as previous * EXT. FREMONT STREET — NIGHT * DJ runs through the crowded bazaar. He notices Daffy is * not with him. * ELSEWHERE * Daffy is in the arms of three showgirls. * DAFFY * Nice feathers, ladies... Anybody I * know?... Say, I know a little out * of the way $2.99 buffet... * DJ runs in and grabs Daffy away. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * Hey! No! They were about to buy us * dinner...! * [I am still bothered by the triplets line. The middle- * aged smuttiness aside, it’s derivative] * DJ pulls Daffy out of frame but a showgirl keeps ahold of * one of his feet. It stretches till she lets go then SNAPS * out of frame. * INT. SPY CAR — CONTINUOUS * Kate, frustrated, drives through Vegas. * KATE * There’s got to be 314 hotels and * 142 casinos in Las Vegas. We’re * never going to find that duck! * Suddenly, Daffy runs into the street, waving his arms and * SCREAMING. The car hits Daffy and he’s plastered against * the windshield, bug-like. [I still think we can do a lot * better than this Egyptian pose. I’d like to have another * artist give it a shot.] * BUGS * (admiration) * Daff never misses a cue.
EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET — CONTINUOUS * DJ runs up, peels Daffy off the windshield and snaps him * back into shape. * DAFFY * (punch drunk) * Splat? * DJ tosses Daffy in the window of the spy car, knocking * Bugs into the back seat. * IN THE BACKSEAT * Bugs is sitting upright, calm. Daffy is sitting upside * down against the backseat, his arms folded in anger. * BUGS * (matter-of-fact) * What’s up, Do— * DAFFY * (cutting him off, * pointing) * Don’t you start with me! * BACK TO SCENE * DJ opens the driver’s side door: * DJ * Excuse me— * He sees Kate. * KATE/DJ * You! * IN THE BACKSEAT * Bugs watches this exchange. He thumbs in their direction, * knowingly. * BUGS * I think I know where this is * going. * Daffy rights himself, grumbling.
DAFFY * (re: Bugs) * Shouldn’t you be posing for a Pez * dispenser? * ON SAM IN HIS CAR * SAM * Outta my way, you inappropriately * placed kiosk! * The Nascar crashes into a t-shirt kiosk. * OUTSIDE SPY CAR * DJ unhooks Kate’s seatbelt quickly, picks her up, and * carries her around the car. * BUGS (INSIDE CAR) * (to Daffy) * So, anybody shot your bill off * yet? * DAFFY DUCK (INSIDE CAR) * Oh, no! You’re not joining this * picture! * ON SAM IN HIS CAR * As the t-shirts clear, we see that Nasty is wearing a big * Tweety shirt, Cottontail is wearing a glittery “Las Vegas * t-shirt,” and Sam is wearing Mickey Mouse-ish ears with * SAM written in script across them. * SAM * (grumble, under * breath) * Ding-doggin’ merchandabblin’... * INTERVENING MATERIAL AS PREVIOUS * INTERCUT SPYCAR/NASCAR * Bugs flies around on top of the car. He is, inexplicably, * SINGING ALONG WITH THE CHASE MUSIC. * Or, Alt:
BUGS * (singing) * Flyin’ in the Danger Zone... * (ALT) * I believe I can fly... * (ALT) * Bunny-Man, Bunny-Man, does * whatever a bunny can... * INT. SPY CAR * Kate seethes at DJ. He acts nonchalant, even as he is * steering the car wildly to and fro. * (In the b.g., Bugs flies back in the window, feet first, * hitting Daffy in the face.) * DJ * So what brings you to Las Vegas? * Run out of people to fire in the * state of California? * KATE * You stole my duck! * In the backseat: * DAFFY * (spitting indignant) * Your duck? * (wounded, tearful) * After the way you hurt m-- * (then, realizing) * She wants me back! * BUGS * (straight-faced) * Have you tried Paxil? * CUTAWAY TO SAM * Sam laughs gleefully. * SAM * I’m gonna insimmerate them! * ON KATE * Kate stops, mouth agape. She sees Canasta reaching out * with the dynamite while putting one finger in one of his * ears.
KATE * (hysterical) * Dynamite? Who has dynamite? * BACKSEAT * DAFFY * Welcome to my world... * DJ * Hold on! * DJ puts the car into a spectacular fishtail. * INTERVENING MATERIAL AS PREVIOUS * EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET — CONTINUOUS * DJ is pretty pleased with his trick driving. * DJ * He makes it look so easy. * Kate points out the windshield. We see that the NASCAR is * actually waiting on the corner for them. * KATE * Didn’t they used to be behind us? * Bugs looks over her shoulder. * BUGS * Formula One filled with * desperadoes? Yeah, that’s them. * DJ throws the car into an extreme hard left down an * alley. * THROUGH WINDSHIELD * They’re apparently going very fast. DJ looks in his * rearview. * IN THE MIRROR * Daffy’s face is blocking the view.
DAFFY * Could you slow down? I get car * sick... * (ALT) * (as he writes) * How do you spell “testament”? * [My Previous Note: The above was put in to distract DJ so * we could buy why he doesn’t see the approaching wall; I * also think animating something into a mirror will be a * really cool effect. The “are we there yet?” beat doesn’t * seem to accomplish anything; it also happens to be the * line Bart and Lisa say on the new Simpsons talking watch] * CUT AWAY TO SAM * SAM * Start counting those chickens, * boys. * (evil laugh) * BACK TO SCENE * DJ turns back and pushes Daffy’s head aside to get a * better view of how close the NASCAR is. As he does, Bugs * appears, pointing forward. * BUGS * I’m curious. Are we gonna stop * before we hit that wall? I got to * make arrangements either way. * Yes, the car is directly headed for a wall; in fact, it’s * the back wall of Sam’s casino. * DAFFY * (cowering) * Mother. * The dashboard flickers to life. * SPY CAR VOICE * Taking you to Mother. * EXT. VEGAS SIDE STREET * A JET ROAR. Flames shoot out the back of the spy car, * torching the front of the NASCAR car behind it. The spy * car lifts off and flies up over the casino wall.
INT. NASCAR CAR — CONTINUOUS * Sam, a bit charred, watches through the windshield as the * spy car gives flight, revealing the wall they are about * to hit. * OMIT * INT. WOODEN NICKEL - CASINO - CONTINUOUS * The NASCAR crashes through the wall. People scatter. * OMIT * INT. NASCAR CAR * Sam clings to the wheel; eyes wide. Several showgirls * scatter before him. * The race car flies off the stage. * OMIT * INT. WOODEN NICKEL — CASINO - CONTINUOUS * The NASCAR car crashes nose first and Sam is hurled * through the windshield. * INT. WOODEN NICKEL — MINE SHAFT AREA * Sam is hurled out of the car and bounces off a couple of * neon signs. * SAM * (pained noises) * DARKNESS * A match is lit, illuminating Sam’s face. We see he is * surrounded by dynamite. After a beat, Sam notices this * also. * YOSEMITE SAM * Uh oh.
INT. WOODEN NICKEL — MINE SHAFT AREA 97C A huge fireball belches from the shaft. 98-100 OMIT 98-100 101 EXT. THE NIGHT SKY — CONTINUOUS 101 The Spy Car rockets along nicely. 102 INT. SPY CAR - CONTINUOUS 102 Bugs glances out her window, and down. HIS POV Glittering Las Vegas. Suddenly, a huge fireball blasts through the roof of the Wooden Nickel, shattering Yosemite Sam’s neon visage. As the fireball gets closer, we see it is a screaming Sam, his ass ablaze. The flaming Sam shoots by the window of the Spy Car. BUGS Everybody, make a wish! DAFFY I’m beginning to suspect that this one is the spy car. Kate looks out the window. They are flying above a commercial jet. Kate turns to DJ. KATE So, licensed stunt man... What are your plans, if I may ask? Daffy talks commandingly into a cell phone. * DAFFY * Sell all my Warner Brothers stock. * You heard me, sell! I got an * inside tip that Bugs Bunny is * about to die...
DJ Everybody calm down! I can handle this! I... I’ve played some video games... DJ flicks the turn signal. The dashboard responds. * The dashboard flickers to life. * SPY CAR VOICE * Dumping fuel. * EXT. SPY CAR * The spy car dumps fuel. It skids to a stop. It shudders. * It plummets. * 108 INT. SPY CAR - CONTINUOUS 108 * Everyone SCREAMS. DJ tries quickly turns the turn signal back. The turn signals go on. HIS FOOT works the brakes. 109 THE CAR 109 plummets toward the rocky desert. 110 BUGS 110 SCREAMS weakly, voice cracking. A couple of quick squirts of throat spray and he’s SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL again. 112 THE SPY CAR 112 streaks toward the ground. They are about to die. * DASHBOARD Flickers to life again. * SPY CAR VOICE * Activating external airbags. * THE SPY CAR
is suddenly enveloped in airbags, giving the impression * not so much of one round balloon as of a giant balloon * car. * EXT. DESERT — CONTINUOUS * The balloon car hits the ground and bounces back out of * frame. * LONGSHOT * The balloon car bounces along the desert, as its unseen * inhabitants yell and stuff. * EXT. DESERT — CONTINUOUS * The balloon car rolls into large cactus. It pops. * DISSOLVE TO: * SAME SHOT — MORNING * The deflated balloon car leans against the cactus. * HOT SUN * DISSOLVE TO: * EXT. MOJAVE DESERT - MORNING * Hot sun. * Kate is chatting on her cell phone. * KATE * Move my twelve o’clock to two * o’clock, and then back to eleven * o’clock, and then cancel it. And * I need you to send a helicopter to * pick me up. I’m in the desert... * (clarifying) * The desert. It’s... brown. * She looks around to describe further and realizes how * hopeless it is. She hangs up the phone, distraught. * KATE (CONT’D) * I can’t die out here; this wasn’t * the plan.
I promised myself, after this I * was only going to make real * movies, stories about the human * condition crammed with social * relevance... * BUGS * (wistful) * I was going to be a dancer. * DJ strolls up to the group, no worse for wear. * DJ * Nothing ten miles in that, that or * that direction. So I suggest we go * that way. * Bugs falls to his knees, grabbing at DJ’s legs. * DAFFY * Who you kidding, doc? We’re * goners. Water! We’re all gonna * die, alone, our dramatic death * throes unseen by the voting * members of the Motion Picture * Academy! * (weakly) * Agua por favor... * DJ is distracted by something on the horizon. * DJ * Hey, look! * IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT * A heat wave apparition? No, it’s... it’s a Walmart, with * no parking lot or roads leading to it. * Bugs gets up and dusts himself off, no worse for wear. * BUGS * (aside, to audience) * Man, how much did that cost ‘em? * DAFFY * Who cares, with shopping * convenience at such low prices! * Daffy runs toward the Walmart.
DAFFY (CONT’D) * Water! Fresca! Mountain Dew! * Gatorade products! Am I forgetting * any one? * DJ turns to Kate, accusingly. * DJ * Was this your idea? * KATE * (defensively) * The audience expects it. They * don’t even notice this kind of * thing anymore. * EXT. DESERT WALMART — LATER Our heroes happily exit, outfitted with new outfits, waterbottles, drinks and brand name snacks. 114 OMIT 114 115 INT. ACME BUILDING — BOARDROOM — DAY 115 This image appears on the floating video screen on the dais. Mr. Chairman pushes a button in the remote. Nothing happens. He hits the remote with the butt of his hand, pushes a button and the video screen goes up. Mr. Chairman picks up another remote. He points it upwards and pushes a button. An upside-down trussed-up Yosemite Sam is lowered to several inches below Mr. Chairman’s eye level. He pushes another button. Sam is lifted to several inches above eye level. He pushes a third adjustment gets it right. MR. CHAIRMAN How did this happen? YOSEMITE SAM Mistakes were made. By others. MR. CHAIRMAN Thank you for your report.
Mr. Chairman pushes a button on his remote. Sam zips up out of frame. A beat later, we see Sam falling past the window. MR. CHAIRMAN (CONT’D) It now appears that in order to obtain the location of the Blue Monkey, we will have to exterminate two people and a rabbit and a duck. Any moral objections? THE BOARD (EVIL CHUCKLES)/ Good one. Mr. Chairman walks over to where Damian Drake is hanging in a gibbet cage. (Next to him stands THE MAD SCIENTIST lovingly examining various instruments of torture on a table before him.) Mr. Chairman picks up a hand mixer from the table and menaces Damian. MR. CHAIRMAN Unless, Mr. Drake, you would like to save us the bother of eliminating your son? DAMIAN My son is going to kick your evil butt! He varsity-lettered in wrestling and he was a National Merit Scholar Semi-finalist! Mr. Chairman CHUCKLES but actually seems a little worried. V.P., BAD IDEAS Uh, Mr. Chairman, a suggestion? Perhaps we should activate our desert operative. Mr. Chairman and the other board members roll their eyes. V.P., BAD IDEAS (CONT’D) He’s due for a win. 116 EXT. MOJAVE DESERT - DAY 116 WILE E. COYOTE is chasing the Road Runner, about to catch him, when: SFX: Phone ring
Coyote stops abruptly and picks up a phone that's built into an organ-pipe cactus. He holds up a small sign: "HELLO?" EXT. MOJAVE DESERT — CONTINUOUS * Bugs and Daffy are discussing matters of importance. * BUGS * Now, the perfect cheeseburger... * Daffy cuts him off. * DAFFY * ...Is made with cheese and meat. * It does not have carrot patties, * or carrot buns, pickled carrots or * secret carrot sauce. Just cheese * and meat! * BUGS * (shrugs) * It’s your funeral. * Kate has had enough. * KATE * Excuse me, am I only one who’s * thinking about a little something * we’re supposed to be doing back in * Los Angeles? A little something * involving a huge jungle set that’s * just sitting around costing us * $20,000 a day? * DJ * You know, for an executive in * charge of a comedy starring a * bunny and a duck, you seem a * little... what’s the word? * BUGS * Humorless. * DAFFY * Stick-in-the-muddy, Crabby Patty- * ish, Sour persimmons-ized... * BUGS * Unfun, despotic, Satan-like...
KATE * (defensive) * I have a sense of humor. * Daffy and Bugs chuckles wryly. * KATE (CONT’D) * All right. Knock knock. * BUGS * (humoring her) * Who’s there? * KATE * Impatient cow. * DAFFY * (sing-song) * Impatient cow-- * KATE * (loud and sudden and * in Daffy’s face) * MOO! * A cloud of feathers blow off Daffy’s head, leaving him * with a tiny bald spot. He does not laugh. * KATE (CONT’D) * Oh, c’mon, that was funny. * Daffy “combs over” feathers onto his bald spot. * DAFFY * That’s why I’m laughing so hard. * DJ * (defending her) * Hey, the joke wasn’t that bad. * And the delivery was excellent. * DAFFY * Me thinks someone is giving the * damsel the royal sucketh up now * that his acts of derring do have * fallen flatteth. * DJ * Shut up. * Kate dismisses Bugs as she continues walking.
BUGS * That’s nothing. She’s trying to * become the most powerful woman in * Hollywood just to show those * numbskulls back at Cooper High * that they shoulda made you * Homecoming Queen. * KATE * (reliving tragedy) * I gave the best speech! They only * gave it to Susie Farkas because * she had one leg shorter than the * other! * [I believe we really need this cut-away for pacing * purposes] * BINOCULAR MATTE * Long angle of Kate, DJ, Daffy and Bugs. * OMIT * WILE E. COYOTE * lowers his binoculars and silently sniggers. He's sitting * on an office chair; he turns to face a desktop computer * on a rock with a power cord trailing O.S.. * [This really should be staged on a rock precipice, not at * ground level as it is currently conceived] * THE COMPUTER SCREEN * Displays a very professional ACME.COM WEBSITE. The * tagline reads, “For all your mayhem needs.” * EXT. DESERT — CONTINUOUS * Bugs and Daffy continue their catalogue of embarrassments * as DJ and Kate look on helplessly.
DAFFY * You know, he’s no prize either. * Cocky for no reason at all, acts * without thinking... * BUGS * She thinks her rear’s too big. * DJ glances back at Kate’s butt. She smacks him. * DAFFY * He likes long walks on the * beach... * DJ * You just made that up! * BUGS * She has a weakness for unemployed * guys. * DAFFY * He has a weakness for being * unemployed... * BUGS * Could it be... * BUGS/DAFFY * (heads together) * ...kismet? * DJ and Kate surreptitiously check out the other’s * reaction to that. When they see they’re being checked * out, they both scowl. Behind them, walking: * DAFFY * (casual, to Bugs) * By the way, what’s kismet? * PAN UP to see that atop a rock formation up ahead is: * OMIT * WILE E. COYOTE * Typing fiendishly at his computer.
THE COMPUTER SCREEN * Displays a gaily colored page for an "ACME Armored Rocket * Launcher and Sports Utility Vehicle." The mouse pointer * clicks the "BUY" button. The screen reads "Would you * like gift wrap?" and a graphic bug blinks: "FREE!" The * pointer clicks on "YES." The screen responds,"Your order * is on its way!" * WILE E. * rubs his hands together gleefully. Then a wooden crate * the size of a bungalow tressed with a ribbon LANDS on * him, flattening the entire area. After a beat, a rocket * launches out of the side of the crate (about where it * would based on the picture of the SUV with rocket * launcher), zooms up into the air, in an arc, and comes * right back down on the crate. Before it can explode... * 121 EXT. DESERT — CONTINUOUS 121 Kate is getting hot and cranky. KATE Somebody is going to pay for this. BUGS Her assistant, most likely. DJ Look, when we get back to civilization, you can take your duck and rabbit and make your little movie. I neither solicit nor desire your help in saving my father... KATE You don’t really believe Damien Drake was kidnapped, do you? DAFFY Sure, I’ll believe anything! That’s how I have so many wacky adventures. DJ I saw it happen. KATE He was probably just on location, shooting a scene.
Or, I don’t know, but he’s somewhere. I mean, people don’t just– DJ vanishes in thin air. Just as Daffy notices this, he smacks into thin air. INT. AREA 52 — CONTINUOUS DJ has walked through a “doorway” surrounded by some kind of invisible field. He can see the others on the other side, as if looking through Polarized sunglasses. He watches as Daffy shakes himself off and smacks right into the force field again. EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS * Kate and Bugs are feeling this invisible wall as Daffy * staggers around. DJ head pops out of thin air. * DJ * Hey, everybody, it’s air- * conditioned in here! * DJ yanks Bugs and Kate into thin air. A moment later, * Kate reaches out and yanks Daffy in. * INT. AREA 52 — CONTINUOUS * The four look around, amazed. On one side, the desert; on * the other some kind of gleaming, high-tech laboratory. * Suddenly, a giant angry MONSTER is headed straight for * them, claws waving, teeth bared and ROARING. * EVERYONE * <monster-provoked screams> * OMIT * INT. AREA 52 - DAY * Our heroes are petrified. The drooling beast closes the * gap with a few powerful strides. It positions its maw to * snap Kate in two. A metal claw drops from O.S. and picks * up the creature bodily just before it can pounce. Kate * goes weak in the knees; Bugs steadies her. Daffy goes * weak in the knees; DJ lets him drop to the floor.
The claw lowers the monster carefully into what looks * like a giant Mason jar. Another device screws on a giant * metal top; a third machine punches air holes. * DJ turns matter-of-factly to Kate. * DJ * I told you there was something in * this direction. * KATE * (staring, in shock) * Yes. How satisfying this must be * for you. * Just then, A phalanx of jump-suited minions carrying * metal poles forms before them. * DAFFY * Ah, here you are. Now if you’ll * lead me to your queen— * Daffy strides forward. One of the guards touches Daffy * with his pole. He melts into a puddle on the ground. * LIQUID DAFFY * That’s relaxing. * A harried-looking woman in a smock with an elaborate ID * badge emerges from the phalanx. This is MOTHER. She is * accompanied by Robby THE ROBOT. * MOTHER * Hi, DJ. I’m Mother. * DJ * How do you know my name? * MOTHER * Oh, DJ, I’ve known you since you * were this big. * She holds her fingers an inch apart. She stares at her * fingers for a long moment, then laughs absent-mindedly. * MOTHER (CONT’D) * That can’t be right. * (as if to children) * Come, come. We’re moving now. * Mother starts walking. They follow. Kate watches as Robby * sucks the puddle of Daffy up with a turkey baster.
Daffy’s eyeballs float around in the baster. Kate seems * worried about it. * KATE * You are going to bring him back, * aren’t you? I can’t go back to LA * with duck soup. * MOTHER * We have the technology to * reconstitute the body. But his * mind will remain a gooey mess. * BUGS * That’s the Daffy we all love! * Kate shoots Bugs a sour look. He mimics her expression, * walking beside her like Nixon. * INT. AREA 52 - LABORATORY - DAY * Mother leads them past giant, high-tech fishbowls, Mason * jars, etc., holding various space aliens. * BUGS * So this is Area Fifty-One, the * secret military base where they * keep all the space aliens and UFOs * and the President’s brain... * MOTHER * No. Area 51 is a paranoid fantasy * we concocted to hide the real * identity of this facility. * DJ * Which is? * MOTHER * Area 52. But don’t quote me on * that. * The four are led past a large black granite plaque which * reads, “Area 52” with the legend, “Keeping things from * the American People Since 1947.” * Bugs pops up from behind the plaque. He holds a key * attached to a large plank (like you’d find at a gas * station.)
BUGS * Hey, what’s the deal with this... * (reading) * “Key to the Universe”? * MOTHER * (taking it from him) * Oh, thank goodness you found that. * (to DJ and Kate) * Even with this big piece of wood, * we keep managing to lose the darn * thing. Now if only we could find * the door to the universe... * She hangs it on a wall, under an icon suggesting the * universe, next to several other keys, one under a man * icon, one under a woman icon, and two more under icons * shaped like strange alien beings. * DJ * So, uh, Mother... * MOM * Call me Mom. * DJ * What exactly is it that you do * here? * MOM * Oh, you know, creation, * transubstantiation, destruction... * all kinds of things. * BEHIND A GLASS WALL * A technician works over a sink rinsing off a human brain. * Several other brains sit on a drying rack next to the * sink. The worker stops to “scrub out” a particularly * persistent memory out of the brain. * BACK TO SCENE * They are at a sealed door. Mother stares at the keypad * next to it, lost in thought. * MOTHER * (mostly to self) * Security code... 1-8-6-2-8-2? No, * that’s the speed of light... 83- * 30? Atomic weight of krypton... * What’s my code?
KATE * Is it 10-11-62? * MOTHER * My birthday! * (then suspicious) * How do you know my birthday? * Kate points to the wall. A scrawled note next to the * keypad reads, “My Code is 10-11-62.” * MOTHER (CONT’D) * (laughs) * Right in front of my eyes! * Mother keys in the code and the door hisses open. * INT. AREA 52 — LABORATORY * Mother leads them in. The door shuts with a hiss. (Note: * In the b.g., a technician starts to reconstitute the * liquid Daffy.) * MOTHER * ...And here we are in the I-can’t- * tell-you-what room. So what were * we discussing. This isn’t about * the giant ants, is it? * KATE * (alarmed) * Giant ants? * MOTHER * Well, they’re not really ants. * Anymore. * DJ * Tell me about the Blue Monkey. * MOTHER * How do you know about that thing * you mentioned that I’ve never * heard of? In my whole life. * DJ * My dad told me. * MOTHER * (annoyed, to self) * What’s the point of making them * swear a blood oath?
Hey, the number six doesn’t exist. * Go tell all your friends... * Over the above, Mother opens a compartment in Robby which * contains several videotapes: “Moon Landing Dress * Rehearsal,” “Congressmen Gone Wild - Vol. 6,” and “How * Sausage is Made.” She pulls out one labelled, “The Blue * Monkey.” * MOTHER (CONT’D) * This tape will explain everything * in easy to understand cartoon * form. * BUGS * A cartoon?! I love cartoons! * Mother pops the video into a panel in Robby’s chest. The * room goes completely dark and light projects from Robby’s * head onto a large “screen” in front of the them. (It * fills the movie screen, creating silhouettes out of * Mother, DJ, Kate and Bugs.) * ON SCREEN * A scratchy BLUE-BLACK PRINT. The logo is the Great Seal * from the one dollar bill. Underneath it reads, “Do Not * Read This.” * We hear a voice that appears to be coming from the back * of whatever theater this movie is playing in. * VOICE * Hey, down in front! * DJ/KATE/BUGS/MOTHER * Sorry, etc. * Their silhouettes “sit down.” * The title of the film appears: “The Blue Monkey: Why We * Must Have It.” Below that it reads, “Produced By Leon * Schlesinger” * A UPA-STYLE CARTOON DIAMOND appears on screen. A cartoon * monkey’s face appears in the diamond. * BLUE MONKEY * Hi, there! I’m the Blue Monkey! * The Blue Monkey jumps out of the diamond and assumes a * complete body. He gestures to the diamond.
BLUE MONKEY (CONT’D) * And this is my diamond. We’re * thousands of years old. But don’t * let my smile and that sparkle fool * you. We could end civilization! * The Blue Monkey strolls past some cartoon scientists * examining stone tablets and painted vases. * BLUE MONKEY (CONT’D) * Our boys have been studying * ancient writings and feeding all * the data into the Electrocipher * here... * The Electrocipher is an immense 1950s style computer. The * lights flash on and off and the computer spits out a * punch card. The Blue Monkey takes it. * BLUE MONKEY (CONT’D) * Hoo boy! According to this, anyone * who possesses me will have the * power to rise... * (spooky echo effect) * “Above all others”! * The Blue Monkey laughs disarmingly. * BLUE MONKEY (CONT’D) * Yikes. If the Commies get a hold * of me first, it’s sayonara * freedom! So keep looking for me, * good guys! I’m rooting for you! * The film ends abruptly with a black screen with plain * white lettering: “You saw nothing.” * The lights come up. (Note: In the b.g., the * reconstitution of Daffy continues. At no point should it * unduly distract from the dialogue in the foreground.) * MOTHER * It needs updating, but you get the * idea. * DJ * So that’s why those guys came * after my... * (epiphany) * My dad was going to save the * world.
MOTHER * (shrugs) * Again. * DJ is lost in the repercussions of it all. PULL BACK to * reveal Bugs, next to DJ in a parody of his thinking pose. * DJ * So if I go after the diamond, the * bad guys’ll come after me, and * then... * KATE * You’re not seriously thinking of— * MOTHER * (scornful) * You want to take over your * father’s mission? * (then) * I guess that would be okay. * KATE * (to Mother) * Wait, you can’t let him... * (to DJ) * You can’t just be a spy! * DJ * I can too be a spy. * KATE * I’m pretty sure real spies don’t * say, “I can too be a spy.” * DJ * Do too. * (turning to Mother) * Hey, do you have any, eh, high- * tech spy gidgees? * MOTHER * <you-gotta-be-kidding sound> * Mother pushes a button and a wall behind opens, revealing * a dazzling array of gadgetry: laser cannons, floating * orbs, high-tech propeller beanies, etc. * DJ * This will do nicely... * DJ steps forward. Mother stops him before he can walk * into the special effect.
MOTHER * None of that stuff works. * The door closes. Mother directs DJ to a small table. * MOTHER (CONT’D) * Cost a fortune, too. Okay, now I’m * going to talk pretty fast because * it’s all exposition... * Mother picks up a cellphone. (Off to the left side of the * screen, Bugs takes this opportunity to catch up on his * personal grooming: brushes teeth, flosses, combs face...) * MOTHER (CONT’D) * Looks like an ordinary * cellphone... * Kate pulls out her cellphone. The two phones are * virtually identical. * Mother puts the cellphone in DJ’s hand, pushes buttons as * she ticks off features. (As she talks, Daffy walks up, * hitting alternate side of his head and knocking gooey * matter out of his ears.) * MOTHER (CONT’D) * Three-way calling, voice dialing, * downloadable ring tones... * She pushes a button. We hear the first seven notes of * “When You Wish Upon a Star.” (Alts: “My Favorite Martian” * theme, “Jetsons” theme, “James Bond” theme, and “Secret * Agent Man”.) * KATE * My phone does all that. * MOTHER * Superconducting electromagnet... * DJ's arm is jerked down to the metal table. Mother * casually clicks off that button and moves onto the next. * MOTHER (CONT'D) * GPS with mapping software, tip * calculator, Gameboy... * DAFFY * (leaning in) * Gameboy!
MOTHER * ...high-powered laser... * A laser beam SHOOTS out and neatly lops off Daffy's head; * it drops sideways onto the table. No one much notices. * MOTHER (CONT’D) * ...MP3 player, polycarbonate * rappeling line, with jet-propelled * micro-grappling hook, nose-hair * trimmer and... * A holographic HULA DANCER is projected out of the phone. * MOTHER (CONT'D) * Guys in the lab spent way too much * time on that. * OMIT * CLOSE ON A KEYBOARD. * Large meaty fingers type furiously. * INT. ACME BUILDING — MR. SMITH’S CUBICLE * Mr. Smith types as Mr. Chairman paces behind him, * dictating. (ALT: Mr. Smith pushes the button on a * dictation machine and we hear Mr. Chairman saying this.) * MR. CHAIRMAN * Obtain the playing card and then * destroy them all. And by destroy, * I mean kill. Warmest regards, * etc. etc. * Mr. Smith finishes typing, hits “send” and then... * INT. AREA 52 - MASON JAR - DAY * Marvin sits, looking bored in his jar. * MARVIN * I am growing bored with this * container.
His helmet "rings." He touches the side of it to answer. * We hear the classic COMPUTER HANDSHAKE TONE and NETWORK * CONNECTION SOUNDS familiar to all AOL users. * CLOSE ON MARVIN’S EYES * The pupils disappear and are replaced with the AOL icons * and messages “Connecting at 45333”, “Talking to * Network,” “Checking Password”, etc. * AOL VOICE * Welcome! You’ve got brain mail! * Marvin’s pupils become a rapidly sequencing series of * Ones and Zeros. * MARVIN * A mission? Oh, goody! * INT. AREA 52 - LABORATORY - SIMULTANEOUS * Bugs picks up a pair of pants off the table. * BUGS * Nice slacks! * MOTHER * Comfortable, too. Plus, liquid * hydrogen pocket rockets here and * here... * She points to the back pockets, then moves on. She picks * up a handheld device shaped-like a nose. (Daffy tapes his * head back on with duct tape.) * MOTHER (CONT’D) * The Proboscinator. It can * generate up to six million smells. * She activates it. Smell lines radiate from it. * KATE/DJ/BUGS/DAFFY (TOGETHER) * (smelling) * Grandma’s house! * INT. AREA 52 - MASON JAR - CONTINUOUS * Humming as if acting innocently, Marvin lifts up his * shirt, reaches deep into his belly button and with some * pain produces a ray gun.
MARVIN * That was so uncomfortable. * Marvin uses the ray gun to ZAP a hole in his glass * enclosure. He walks down the hall, ZAPPING open other * enclosures. * MARVIN (CONT’D) * Playtime, friends! * INT. AREA 52 - LABORATORY - CONTINUOUS * DJ secures his equipment (including the slacks). * DJ * Okay, just one more question: * where’s the Blue Monkey? * MOTHER * You have the playing card? * DJ pulls it out. * DJ * Yeah. * MOTHER * (rote) * Well, that’s the window into what * lies behind her smile. * DJ/KATE/BUGS/DAFFY * What? * MOTHER * (shrugs) * Our intelligence people always * code everything in riddles. They * must get some sort of perverse * pleasure out of it. * Suddenly, the double doors HISS open. Gobs of aliens and * monsters struggle to cram through the door! * MOTHER (CONT’D) * Oh, darn. I knew this day would * come. * She reaches down for * A LARGE RED BUTTON
Labelled, “PUSH ONLY IN CASE THIS DAY COMES.” Mother * slaps the button. * SFX: ALARM * FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE * Emergency Shutdown activated. * Force barrier seal in ten minutes. * INT. AREA 52 - EXIT — CONTINUOUS * Personnel run out the automatic double doors that lead to * the desert. The doors start to close ominously. * BACK TO SCENE * DJ * (turning to Mother) * What do we do? * Mother is being lowered on a small platform that * disappears into the floor. * MOTHER * If you have one of these I’d take * it. * DJ turns back just as a laser beam blasts over his head. * MARVIN * holds his laser gun on them. * MARVIN * The playing card, please. * Daffy grabs the card from DJ. * DAFFY * I’ll take that. * (off DJ’s look) * I’ve got a greedy nature. I’m as * much a victim of it as you are. * Daffy runs off and down a hall. Marvin gives chase. * Bugs, DJ and Kate face the monsters. * BUGS * Life was so much simpler in the * woods.
INT. AREA 52 - HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS * Daffy runs down a hallway like a maniac. He stops * suddenly at a water cooler, and very calmly pours himself * some water. He sips it, leaning against the cooler. A * laser beam zaps him in the ass. He SCREAMS and runs o.s. * Marvin gives pursuit. * INT. AREA 52 - LABORATORY — CONTINUOUS * DJ wrestles the neck of a TRIFFID. Kate fends off the * SPACE GORILLA with girlish kicks and scratches. * DJ * You need any help over there? * KATE * (annoyed) * No, I can take care of my— * As she turns to say this, the Space Gorilla grabs her in * a bear hug. * MEANWHILE * Bugs is being approached on two sides by Daleks. He looks * scared. Then suddenly, he whips on a boxing referee’s * outfit. Bugs “confers” with the Daleks. * BUGS * I want a fair fight. A clean * fight. No flaming below the belt. * Bugs produces a ringside bell and RINGS it. The two * Daleks start torching each other. * INT. AREA 52 - HANGAR 18 — CONTINUOUS * Daffy runs into a huge hangar. A large sign says "HANGAR * 18." It's filled with all sorts of alien aircraft, * including a giant silver cigar with copper band and a * humongous pie plate. * DAFFY * So many models to choose from. * A laser beam blows his head clean off.
The headless Daffy runs up and hops into a tiny pod * saucer. A clear dome covers him. * INSIDE POD RACER * His head pops up and surveys at the alien-scripted * controls. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * Foreign jobs. * BACK TO SCENE * Marvin rushes in. He sees Daffy. He raises his raygun. * INSIDE POD RACER * Daffy looks grim and in charge. * DAFFY (CONT’D) * Eenie, meanie, miney, make... * it... so... * Daffy pushes a button. The Space Pod rockets backwards. * ON MARVIN * About to squeeze off a shot. His eyes widen as Daffy’s * Space Pod hits him at the neck, knocking his head off. * Marvin’s head spins several time in the air and then * lands back on his shoulders, upside down. Marvin rights * his head and turns around in time to see: * INT. AREA 52 - HALLWAY * Daffy very poorly executes a three-point turn in the * hallway, then rockets o.s. * ON MARVIN * Hands on hips. * MARVIN * Oh, I’m afraid I’m going to have * to bust an ion cap in his cloaca! * INT. AREA 52 - LABORATORY — CONTINUOUS * Kate struggles in arms of the Space Gorilla. It starts * petting her head, making cooing noises. DJ walks up, * covered in Triffid goo.
DJ * (jocular) * I think he likes you. * The Space Gorilla quickly grabs DJ and pulls him into the * same embrace with Kate. * BUGS * faces off against the giant-brained MUTANT from “This * Island Earth.” The mutant takes a swipe at Bugs. Bugs * dodges the claw and quickly climbs up onto the mutant’s * brain, riding it like a jockey. * Bugs surveys the brain, wiggling his fingers over it. * BUGS * Open cerebellum! * Bugs sticks his fingers into the creases of the brain and * starts “operating” the mutant. Under his control, the * Mutant does some “robot” dance moves and goes into a moon * walk. * INT. AREA 52 - HALLWAY * Daffy “pops” down from the dome, and rockets ahead, * straight into camera, SCREAMING. * Daffy’s pod rockets down a seemingly endless maze of * hallways, in the best tradition of video-game-derived * cinema. Marvin’s pod follows at a distance. * INT. AREA 52 – ELEVATOR BANK * Daffy’s pod zips to a halt in front of the elevator. A * robot arm extends and pushes the button. The elevator * door opens. Daffy’s pod scoots inside. * The door closes. Marvin’s pod pulls up. A robot arm * extends and pushes the button several times, impatiently. * OMIT * INT. AREA 52 - LABORATORY — CONTINUOUS * DJ and Kate are pressed nose to nose, being hugged by the * Space Gorilla.
DJ * Have you been eating space * bananas? * KATE * Those are the best last words you * can think of? * The Space Gorilla squeezes them tighter and rocks them * like dolls. * SPACE GORILLA * <electronic cooing sound> * DJ * Hey, I love you, too. I really do. * But more as a friend. Or a pet. * And I wouldn’t want to endanger * that relationship by-- * SPACE GORILLA * <electronic roar> * KATE * Oh, great. You hurt its feelings. * The Space Gorilla lifts them both off the ground, * squeezing them very, very hard. He’s crushing them. * BUGS * Get along, li’l space doggy... * The Mutant swaggers in, John Wayne-like, with Bugs riding * and operating his brain. * Under Bugs direction, the Mutant swipes at the Space * Gorilla with his claw, knocking the Space Gorilla’s head * clean off, exposing the traditional sparking and smoking * wires. The Space Gorilla’s body drops DJ and Kate. * Bugs makes the Mutant pump his claw in a victory gesture. * He raises his claw to DJ. * BUGS (CONT’D) * Slap me two! * DJ high-fives the claw. * INT. AREA 52 — STAIRWELL * Marvin’s spacecraft zooms down the stairs.
INT. AREA 52 — ELEVATOR * Meanwhile, Daffy sits in his floating pod, blissing out * to a Muzak version of “The Twilight Zone” theme. * THE BUTTONS * Light up “L,” “LL” and finally “HLL.” Ding! * The doors open and Daffy absent-mindedly flies out. * INT. THE ELEVATOR DOOR * Opens into the upper reaches of huge cartoon cavern, * which is quite clearly the FIERY BOWELS OF HELL. * DAFFY * Oopsie. * SATAN calls out from the cavern floor. * SATAN * Close that door! I’m not paying * to heat the whole damned * neighborhood! * Daffy’s pod zips back into the elevator and the doors * close. * INT. AREA 52 — ELEVATOR * Daffy sits in his pod, calm. Then, from above, Marvin’s * pod slowly lowers down beside him. Marvin pulls out his * raygun and blasts. * The ray goes through the pod dome and into Daffy’s head, * which suddenly expands to fill the whole dome. Flames * shoot out Daffy’s ears, mouth and eyes and his head * deflates so much his cranium caves in. * MARVIN * The playing card, please. * OMIT
Kate is about to be hugged by the Space Gorilla again, * when DJ grabs her hand and pulls her into a dance. She is * momentarily shocked, but then smiles. DJ spins and swings * Kate around; with each big movement, the duo kick and * punch the aliens. * Meanwhile, Bugs sits atop the Mutant, who he is making do * the Watusi. * OMIT * EXT. SKY — CONTINUOUS * Marvin is hot on Daffy’s tail, shooting lasers that blast * rock formations that have stood for thousands of years. * INT. DAFFY’S POD - CONTINUOUS * Daffy is at the controls. He looks grim and in charge. * DAFFY * Which one haven’t I pushed yet? * Daffy pushes for a button. * EXT. THE SKY — CONTINUOUS * The space craft suddenly dives straight down. Marvin's * ship overshoots it, backs up, and heads down after it. * EXT. GROUND LEVEL — CONTINUOUS * The space craft plummets to earth. We hear Daffy SCREAM. * INT. AREA 52 - LABORATORY — CONTINUOUS * Aliens and monsters are laid waste everywhere. DJ, Kate * and Bugs survey the scene. * KATE * (cocky laugh) * Super-advanced species, my butt. * FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE * Force barrier seal in one minute. * I mean it. I’m going to do it. * 94. CONTINUED: (
Bugs, DJ and Kate trot for the exit, which is nearly * closed. But at the last second, something red steps in * the way. They bounce off of it and onto their asses. * GOSSAMER * Looks down at them, BELLOWING. DJ and Bugs look panicked, * but Kate is thinking. She’s got an idea. * KATE * “Water, Water, Every Hare”! * BUGS * (surprised) * You saw “Water, Water, Every * Hare”? * KATE * 1952, Chuck Jones. * (off Bugs’ look) * I may be an executive, but I’m a * good executive. * DJ * What’s “Water, Water, Every Hare”? * If I may ask, I mean, before we * get eaten. * Kate puts up a finger, indicating “just watch.” She and * Bugs hop to their feet and assume the roles of * beauticians. They surround a confused Gossamer. * KATE * (Queens accent) * Oh, Honey, do you go out in that * face? * Bugs pulls up a chair from nowhere and Kate pushes * Gossamer into it. Bugs, in his hairdresser persona from * “Water, Water...” rapidly unlaces and removes Gossamer’s * sneakers. * BUGS * You have such lovely monster feet, * why smother them in these hideous * beasts? * Kate already has a large tray at her disposal. She is * troweling wax onto Gossamer’s face as she speaks.
KATE * Hiding that gorgeous visage under * all that hair, you should be * horsewhipped! * Kate rips the wax off, pulling all the hair off that * section of Gossamer’s face. He looks to be in extreme * distress. * KATE (CONT’D) * Beauty is pain, girlfriend. * Gossamer bites his lip bravely. * DJ appears behind Gossamer, wearing a doo-rag for some * reason and channelling Paul Lynde. He lifts Gossamer’s * hair in mock distress. * DJ * Oh my whiskers, we’re taking away * your henna. Now let’s see what we * can do with this bushy bush bush. * As he says this, DJ whips out his cell phone. The laser * goes on. He cuts a huge swath of hair. * As DJ cuts and Kate rips out, Pedicurist Bugs surveys * Gossamer’s hairy, taloned feet. * BUGS * These toenails are lethal! * Bugs whips on goggles and produces a chain saw out of * nowhere. He goes to work. * EXT. GROUND LEVEL — CONTINUOUS * The space craft still plummets to earth. Then it reaches * ground level but appears to keep on going. * ANOTHER ANGLE * reveals the space craft has just flown into: * EXT. THE GRAND CANYON * The craft pulls out of a dive just in time.
INT. SPACE CRAFT * Daffy expertly pilots the ship. * WINDSHIELD POV * The ship zigs and zags through the Grand Canyon. * INT. MARVIN'S SPACESHIP — CONTINUOUS * MARVIN'S POV - TARGETING DISPLAY * Bug's ship bobs and weaves annoyingly, making it hard to * hit. Exasperated, Marvin checks the other weapons at his * disposal. His fingers trace past buttons reading "Angry * Letter," "Water Balloons," and finally, "Gravitator." * MARVIN * Ideal! * Marvin pushes that button. * EXT. GRAND CANYON - CONTINUOUS * Gravity waves seem to be pulling toward Marvin's ship. * The walls of the canyon RUMBLE. They start to move * together. Daffy's craft scrapes a wall, creating a * shower of sparks. * INT. SPACE CRAFT - CONTINUOUS * The canyon walls are crashing together up ahead. Daffy * talks commandingly into a cell phone. * DAFFY * Sell all my Warner Brothers stock. * You heard me, sell! If you must * know, because I got an inside tip * that Bugs Bunny is about to die... * What do you mean that’ll make the * stock go up? Well then, buy! Buy, * man, buy! * Daffy notices something. On the floor is a clearly * recognizable lever, similar to one found in most cars.
DAFFY (CONT’D) * Hey, what do you know? I had the * emergency brake on the whole time. * <embarrassed laugh> * Daffy releases the emergency brake. * EXT. GRAND CANYON - CONTINUOUS * The ship suddenly accelerates, blurringly fast. * FROM ABOVE * Daffy's craft escapes the closing canyon. Stone clips * the tail fin off the ship. * INT. MARVIN'S SPACESHIP — CONTINUOUS * He sees he isn't going to make it. * MARVIN * Oh, darn. * The canyon CRUNCHES closed, emitting a tiny fireball. * MARVIN (O.S.) (CONT'D) * Ouch. * OMIT * INT. AREA 52 - CONTINUOUS * DJ, Kate and Bugs surround Gossamer. Kate bends down. * KATE * ...And just a couple tablespoons * of lip gloss and... * THEIR POV * Gossamer, surrounded by mounds of hair, is only about two * feet tall. He’s completely shaved, except for a tiny pony * tail sprouting from the top of his head. He’s heavily * made up, and has glitter toenails. * Bugs holds a mirror up to Gossamer’s face. Gossamer * shrieks and runs off.
DJ * (regular voice) * I thought he looked nice. * The three turn toward the exit just in time to see the * doors shut closed. * FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE * I told you I would close it. And I * have. So now you’re going to die. * Don’t blame me. * They’re dumbfounded. Kate turns to Bugs. * KATE * You had to do French tips. * EXT. SKY — CONTINUOUS * Daffy’s pod is streaking toward the ground, its end in * flames. Daffy is SCREAMING. * Just a few feet from the ground, the pod suddenly * “bounces” off of nothing, and ricochets back up into the * air. * The “nothing” that the pod crashes into sparks * electrically and starts to burn. * INT. AREA 52 — ENTRANCE — CONTINUOUS * An electrostatic “hole” burns open in front of DJ, Kate * and Bugs. They quickly run through it. * FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE * Oh, so that’s how it is. When you * don’t get your way, you hit. Men. * EXT. MOJAVE DESERT — CONTINUOUS * DJ, Kate and Bugs run out of thin air. The electrostatic * hole closes behind them. They see Daffy's space ship * CRASH in the distance. * 163 EXT. MOJAVE DESERT — CONTINUOUS 163 DJ, Kate and Bugs run out of thin air. They see Daffy's space ship bounce around and finally CRASH in the distance.
DAFFY emerges from the smoke, utterly cool, like Sam Shepard in "The Right Stuff." BACK TO SCENE Daffy walks into frame, very casual. He turns to the others, revealing for the first time that his entire back half is burnt ash. DAFFY (very cool) Did you see how I saved you all from certain deceasement? BUGS I saw how you crashed that rocket ship. Bugs taps Daffy on the head. His ash falls off. Kate addresses DJ, jocularly. KATE So, what’s next? Jungle adventure? Dinosaurs? DJ Playing card. DJ pulls out the playing card, sighs. DJ (CONT’D) The window into what lies behind her smile... THE CARD It’s a Queen of Diamonds. Only the Queen looks like: DJ (CONT’D) Mona Lisa? KATE Which is in the Louvre! Which means we have to go to Paris! DJ (snippy) I had figured that out, thank you.
KATE Then you should have said it. (re card: giddy) We’re going to Paris! DJ, Bugs and Daffy all stare at her, bemused. KATE (CONT’D) (quickly) You don’t really want me to make a long speech about how discovering that the world is in danger has made me realize how shallow my old values are and how fighting aliens has made me feel truly alive for the first time in my life, do you? BUGS/ DAFFY/ DJ No/ No, thank you, sister/ You’re right, we don’t. DJ looks up and around. Desert everywhere. DJ Okay. So how do we get to Paris? BUGS Like so. Bugs "grabs" the far right side of the screen. As he pulls it left, we EXT. PARIS — DAY * VARIOUS SHOTS * of the Champs Elysees, the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel * Tower, and other cliched establishing shots actually * taken from other movies. The less the film stock matches, * the better. * MUSIC: Edith Piaf singing "La Vie en Rose." * EXT. THE LOUVRE - DAY — ESTABLISHING * A sign reads, "Le Pavillon de Art Fameuse."
INT. THE LOUVRE - DAY * A GALLERY is lined with an eclectic collection not * usually found in the Louvre: Hopper's "Night Hawks," Van * Gogh's "Starry Night" and the cover of the first Boston * album. * OUR HEROES stand before the “MONA LISA”. DJ looks at the * playing card, then at the painting. * DJ * Not much of a window... * BACK OF THE CARD * There’s an odd sheen on it, reflecting the painting. * DJ examined the card closely. He carefully peels the back * of the card to reveal a clear sheet of some kind. * DAFFY * Aha, a “window”! * (off DJ’s look) * She hadn’t figured it out yet. * KATE * Yes I had. * Kate smacks Daffy on the back of the head, sending him * flying out of frame. * DJ holds the viewer in front of the painting and a * glowing 15th century map of Africa appears. * DJ * Wow. * Daffy bounces back into frame and proclaims: * DAFFY * Now all we have to do is steal the * Mona Lisa! * A couple of BORED FRENCH GUARDS turn when they hear this, * but decide it’s nothing, and return to their ennui. * Bugs looks through the filter. * BUGS * We could take a picture through * that window thingy...
DAFFY * Yeah! Use your spy phone! * DJ examines the spy phone. * DJ * It doesn’t seem to have a * camera... Maybe... * DJ pushes a button. Liquid squirts out and hits Daffy in * the face. His bill melts off. * DJ (CONT’D) * No, that just shoots acid... * She brandishes her cellphone, points to the camera lens. * KATE * (playful) * Spy phone without a camera? Loser. * Bugs holds up the filter for Kate. She takes the camera- * phone and snaps a picture of the map. * ELMER (O.S.) * I’ll take that. * They turn. Elmer Fudd has a shotgun trained at them. * BUGS * What gives, doc? We’ve made a * hundred pictures together. I've * loaned you money. I helped hook * up your stereo. * ELMER * Well, as it turns out, I’m * secretly evil. * DAFFY * That’s show biz for you. * ELMER * Now make with the camera so I can * please my dark masters. * Bugs goes into a fast street magician patter. * BUGS * Queen of diamonds is your card! * Just put it back into the pack. * Anywhere is fine.
Bugs hands Elmer the card and fans out a deck. Elmer, * confused, puts the Queen into the deck. Bugs does a * couple of fancy shuffles, including one that back and * forth through Elmer’s head. * BUGS (CONT’D) * And upsie-daisey! * Bugs throws the whole deck up in the air. He catches the * first card which flutters down. * BUGS (CONT’D) * This your card? * ELMER * No. * Bugs licks the card and slaps it on Elmer’s forehead. He * proceeds to repeat this with a dozen other cards. * BUGS/ELMER * (blindingly fast) * This? No./ This? No./ This? No./ * This? No./ This? No./ This? No./ * This? No./ This? No./ This? No./ * This? No./ This? No./ This? No. * Elmer’s face is completely covered with cards. Bugs * catches one last card, which we see is the card. He grabs * Daffy’s hand and takes off o.s. * DJ * (quietly, to Kate) * Come on! * DJ and Kate slink away. * ELMER * It’s the Ace of Diamonds, I tell * you. * After a beat, Elmer realizes he’s been had. He shakes off * the cards angrily. * ELMER (CONT’D) * Ew. I’m gonna blast that rabbit.
INT. LOUVRE - ANOTHER GALLERY - DAY * Elmer sees Daffy and Bugs run right into Dali's * "Persistence of Memory." Elmer runs in after them. * INT. DALI'S PAINTING "PERSISTENCE OF MEMORY" * The characters run across the surrealistic landscape. * Elmer raises his gun to shoot, but the barrel droops and * the bullets PLOP out. * Bugs and Daffy run out the side of the painting. PAN the * gallery wall to: * INT. MUNCH'S PAINTING "THE SCREAM" * Daffy and Bugs run toward the foreground, SCREAMING in * the style of the painting. * INT. LOUVRE - GALLERY - CONTINUOUS * Bugs and Daffy jump out of the painting (still drawn in * Expressionistic style) race across the gallery, and jump * into Toulouse-Lautrec's "At The Moulin Rouge." Elmer * jumps out of "The Scream," shakes off his Munchian * interpretation, and looks around. * Suddenly, Bugs and Daffy come dancing out of "Moulin * Rouge" as a couple of high-kicking Can-Can girls. Elmer * is intrigued. Bugs and Daffy kick him in ass and face, * turn and raise their skirts at him, then disappear into * another frame. Enraged, Elmer follows them into * INT. ESCHER'S PAINTING "RELATIVITY" * Escher-like Bugs and Daffy run up and down, over, upside- * down the endless staircase with Elmer in pursuit, * BLASTING his shotgun. The BLASTS leave his muzzle, but * come out of random places in the staircase. * INT. LOUVRE - SOMEWHERE ELSE - SIMULTANEOUS * DJ and Kate stop behind a corner. DJ looks off in the * direction they just came from.
DJ * Maybe we should go back and help * them. * KATE * Nah. Elmer never gets Bugs. It’s a * formula, but it works. * A huge hand reaches in from o.s. and covers Kate’s mouth. * The hand pulls her out of frame. DJ, looking in the other * direction, doesn’t notice. * DJ * That’s the great thing about * movies. You always know what’s * going to happen. For example, if * this was a movie, you and I would * definitely end up together. * DJ glances back to gauge her response. She isn’t there. * He turns around. * DJ (CONT’D) * Kate? * He sees Mr. Smith, dragging a struggling Kate into an * elevator. * ON ELEVATOR * Kate gets her mouth free. * KATE * If you don’t let go of me, I’m * going to start screaming MMMMMMMMMMMMMM. * ON ELEVATOR, GROUND FLOOR * Mr.smith alone in the elevator , releases his pants MR.SMITH "rawr ... let's do it babe" he and Kate started to smooch wildly while Kate is hitting Mr.Smith , "Not now honey , we will do this later" completely gagging her up and at the end wildly throwing a burlap sack on her sexy head , she wildly swang her feet on the floor to avoid getting inside the sack fully , her shoes going off . Mr.smith put it on his shoulder and moved on with her feet and toes being outside of the sack and visible
Kate was struggling really hard to get out of her bag but it was no use since Mr.Smith was holding her really hard by the ass "Mmmmmmmhmhmhmhmmm" continuous sounds of help came from the bag , no one answered to it
by the time they entered the eifel tower , he opened the sack and got her phone "hah , sweet butt" Kate "you fucking monster !" he dragged her out of the burlap sack , forcefully putting her socklings off "Now you are sexier , no matter with or without shoes , no matter with or without socklings ... I'll always love you" Mr.smith quickly used the same mind control machine he had used on Dusty Tails on Kate by pulling it from behind his hands , Kate moved a lot and made a lot of noise