Krusty Krab Training Video
"This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Krusty Krab Training Video" from season 3, which aired on May 10, 2002.

Plot Edit

Narrator: Welcome aboard. If you’re watching this video, then let me be the first to say 'Congratulations'! (a rainbow with the words 'Congratulations' appears) You’ve recently been hired in the Krusty Krab (a spatula, a hat, and a bucket appear in SpongeBob’s hands) and this is your first official day of training.

SpongeBob: Can I make a Krabby Patty now?

Narrator: Oh no, you’ve got a lot to learn before you’re ready to make a Krabby Patty. As you can see by this graph...(scene cuts to a giraffe. Narrator clears his throat) Graph. (A graph is shown. The Krusty Krab is moving up) You have been employed in one of the most successful restaurants in Bikini Bottom. But it got that way over night... (it is night time) ...because the store closes at 6:00. (scene cuts to picture of Mr. Krabs and the Krusty Krab behind him) No, the story of the Krusty Krab is the story of one man’s hard work, perserverance, vision, determination and sweat. (scene zooms in to one of Mr. Krabs' armpit) But mostly his sweat. (scene cuts to a Krabby Patty sliting to the right and stops on the screen, followed by sparkles)From Humble Beginnings. (scene cuts to a sepia picture of Mr. Krabs as a child, walking up to a soda machine with a quarter on a string wrapped around his hand) You may think that Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, owner and founder of Krusty Krab Inc., has always been the financial wizard he is today. (Mr. Krabs puts in his quarter then takes it out as its attached to a piece of rope with a hole in the quarter) And you’re right! (Mr. Krabs laughs while drinking his soda. Scene cuts to an tired Mr. Kraps, sitting depressed in a room with light at the window) After the war, Krabs stayed secluded in a deep depression that seemed endless. (scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, now a retirement home with elderly fish outside playing shuffleboard) But then his luck changed when he acquired a bankrupt retirement home and with a few minor alterations, the Krusty Krab was born. (Mr. Krabs paints a giant K with a bucket full of red paint, on a sign outside. We can hear a sound of a baby crying in the background. Scene cuts to a Krabby Patty with a light shining on it) Sounds like a lot of...

Kid: Hoopla!

Narrator: Sounds like a lot of...

Kid: Hoopla!

Narrator: Sounds like a...

Kid: Hoopla! Hoopla! (someone offscreen throws a brick on the kid)

Narrator: Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over a little Krabby Patty right? (chuckles) Wrong! (scene cuts to a Krabby Patty sliding to the right again) The Krusty Krab today. (scene cuts to a series of close-ups in the Krusty Krab. Then scene cuts to a view of the inside of the Krusty Krab where customers are eating Krabby Patties) To keep up with today’s demanding customers, no expense has been spared to acquire all the latest achievements in fast-food technology.

Mr. Krabs: (holds up a spatula in his left hand) This here’s an advanced patty-control mechanism. (now standing at the register) Here you can see our automated money-handling system. Don’t touch! (now holding some ice cubes) These are high-quality beverage temperature devices. Imported. (holds up a straw) This here’s a prototype liquid transfer machine. (puts the straw in the cup and drinks it) And most importantly, (holds up some ketchup packets) You get your state-of-the-art condiment-disposal units. Now, are you gonna buy something or just stand there cause there’s a standing fee.

Narrator: (SpongeBob is standing there when a packet of ketchup, spatula, a cash register, cup, and ice cubes appear around him) All of this modernization seems a little overwhelming, doesn’t it? (the items spin around him) Well luckily for you, Mr. Krabs' fear of robot overlords keeps the balance of technology in check. (items disappear and SpongeBob floats to the right. The scene changes to SpongeBob standing next to Squidward near the cash register) But if modernization is the heart of the Krusty Krab, then employees are the liver and gallbladder. (close-up of SpongeBob) Let’s see if you got what it takes. Hmmm, poised, confident, and a smile that says, "Hello world! May I take your order?" You’ve got the makings of a good employee, Mr. SquarePants! But for every good employee, there is one who is not so good. (close-up of Squidward reading his dance magazine) Let’s see, inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eyes. (close-up of the button Squidward is wearing on his shirt) Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button. There’s a name for employees like this, but we’ll call him Squidward.

Squidward: I’m getting paid overtime for this, right Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: (in his office) Sorry, can't hear you! (scene cuts to a krabby patty sliding to the right)

Narrator: Training.

SpongeBob: Does this mean I get to make a Krabby Patty now?

Narrator: No, you can’t make a Krabby Patty without understanding the phrase 'POOP'.

SpongeBob: POOP?

Narrator: Once you understand 'POOP', you’ll understand your place at the Krusty Krab. But what does POOP mean? (SpongeBob shrugs his arms) It’s actually a carefully organized code. Watch closely. People Order Our Patties.

SpongeBob: Ah, POOP! (smiles proudly)

Narrator: Looks like Mr. SquarePants understands 'POOP'. (scene cuts to a customer walking up to Squidward) Here’s a typical customer. I wonder what he wants. Well, if we just remember POOP, we can figure it out.

Harold: I’d like to order-

Narrator: Do you think he wants to order: A: A sofa, B: An expensive haircut, or C: A patty?

Harold: One patty please.

Narrator: Ah, POOP! You never let us down! (scene cuts to a giant krabby patty) Now that you understand POOP, I bet you think you’re ready to make a Krabby Patty.

SpongeBob: Krabby Patty! (panting towards the krabby patty but once he gets too close, he gets splattered on the screen with a fly swatter)

Narrator: Ha-ha! Not so fast, Eager McBeaver. We haven’t even talked about: (scene cuts to a toilet) Personal Hygiene. (toilet flushes. Scene cuts to SpongeBob in front of a sink) Every employee at the Krusty Krab must comply with a strict set of personal hygiene guidelines. (SpongeBob turns the faucet on) Ok, Mr. SquarePants, are you ready to prepare for your shift? (SpongeBob lathers his hands) A good employee always washes himself thoroughly. Be sure to get under those fingernails. (SpongeBob nods and rubs a bit harder) And don’t forget about the knuckles. (SpongeBob rubs a bit harder) And make sure those palms are squeaky clean. (SpongeBob rubs the hardest he can) All right, let’s see those. (holds up his arma but it is invisible from rubbing so much) Now that’s thorough! (chuckles. Scene cuts to SpongeBob’s shiny boots) After making sure your boots are polished, your nose is clear of any blemishes or boils, (SpongeBob cuts his boil off with a scissors) and your hair is neat and tidy, (SpongeBob lifts up his hat, sprays a little hairspray on it to make it straight, then puts his hat back on) you are ready to start the day. Now let’s see how Squidward prepares for his shift. (one of the bathroom stall doors opens to show Squidward sitting on the toilet with his dance magazine on his lap) Remember, no employee wants to be a Squidward! (a giant krabby patty appears on the screen again) Now that you’re clean and hygienic, I bet you think you’re ready to make that Krabby Patty.

SpongeBob: (yells in excitement) I’m ready! (splits into two SpongeBob’s) I'm ready!!(splits into more SpongeBob’s) I'm ready! (splits himself into more SpongeBob’s until fly swatters splat all of them on the screen)

Narrator: Whoa there! We have a few more topics to cover first. (scene cuts to food and a spatula lying on a table) Your Work Station. (scene cuts to SpongeBob vacuuming on top of the stove) It’s important to keep your area tidy and free of droppings. But a clean workstation is only part of the job. (scene cuts to SpongeBob thinking of a Krabby Patty in a thought bubble of his) To make the vision in your head a reality, you’ll need supplies. And a good employee always keeps his supplies well-organized. (SpongeBob opens up a cabinet, then opens the bottom drawer to reveal a bunch of folders with names of condiments and ingredients on there) Very nice Mr. SquarePants, not a pickle out of place. (SpongeBob peeks out the kitchen door) Now let’s see how Squidward keeps his work station. (Squidward is sleeping with a dance magazine on his face. He wakes up)

Squidward: Huh? (shouts) Oh! (falls on the floor. The cash register drawer opens up and conks Squidward in the head)

Narrator: Don’t worry Squidward, Mr. SquarePants can cover for you. (scene cuts to SpongeBob standing next to the grill) Now that your workstation is up and running, perhaps you think you’re ready to make the world-famous Krabby Patty. (SpongeBob barks like a dog then runs around the room) (laughs) Calm down. (a bone is thrown at him then he grabs it with his teeth and gnaws it) There’s plenty of time left. We have to make sure you’re ready for the psychological aspect of the job: (A execution chair is seen) Interfacing with your Boss. (scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to Mr. Krabs in his office)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, can I have a raise?

Mr. Krabs: No.

Narrator: Good job, Mr. SquarePants!

SpongeBob: (runs up to the camera) Can I make a Krabby Patty now... (scene cuts to Patrick walking into the Krusty Krab)

Narrator: Now we go from behind the scenes to the front lines, where we’ll examine the most important aspect of the industry, the customer. Or as we say, the 'Krustomer'.

Patrick: (stops) Who said that? Are you a ghost?

Narrator: Like precious, precious blood in an animal, the customer is what makes the Krusty Krab strong and alive.

Patrick: Squidward, your ceiling is talking to me!

Squidward: Are you going to order something or just make friends with the paneling?

Patrick: Uhh...I’ll have an uhh...uhh...uhh...ah... (falls asleep and snoes until Squidward snaps at him causing him to wake up) What’s that?

Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else.

Narrator: Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says...

Mr. Krabs: "The money is always right!"

Patrick: The ceiling is right Squidward, you’re not a very good employee.

Squidward: Fine. May I please take your order?

Patrick: Uhh... uhh... (drones again as Squidward gets mad and grabs the cash register)

Narrator: We’ll check up on these two later. (scene cuts to a siren) Right now, it’s important that we discuss an emergency situation! (scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a krabby patty looking around for something) Like the lost gold of Atlantis, many consider the Krabby Patty to be a treasure. And as with every treasure, there’s a thief ready to steal it. So it’s up to you to be the watchful eyes of... (the krabby patty moves as metal legs come out of it and it walks off) What’s this? (Plankton is on the patty) It’s Mr. Krabs' business rival, Plankton!

Plankton: Eat my microscopic dust, Krabs! Your secret formula is finally mine! (scene cuts to SpongeBob with a face of shock)

Narrator: He’s stealing the formula! What are you going to do, Mr. SquarePants? (SpongeBob screams and runs around the restaurant. Mr. Krabs walks up to Plankton as he and the patty are going really slow)

Plankton: You’ll never catch me, Krabs, not after I switch into maximum overdrive! (whips the krabby patty into going faster) Hi-ya! (mechanical legs whirring. Mr. Krabs grabs the patty) I knew I should have gotten the turbo. (SpongeBob is still screaming and knocking over tables and chairs) Hear me Krabs! You’ll take this Krabby Patty from me when you pry it from my cold, dead... (Mr. Krabs picks up Plankton, who is now talking in a fast motion voice. He flicks him back to the Chum Bucket, Mr. Krabs seeing SpongeBob is still screaming.)

Narrator: And so, another emergency is avoided, thanks to Mr. SquarePants. (scene cuts to Squidward and Patrick, Patrick is still saying uhh...) Let’s check in on Squidward again. Psst, Squidward.

Squidward: Huh?

Narrator: Just remember: POOP.

Squidward: Patrick, if I could make a suggestion. Why don’t you just order a Krabby Patty?

Patrick: Great idea, Squidward! One Krabby Patty, please.

Squidward: (sighs) Will that be for here or to go? (closes his mouth but Patrick is droning again. Squidward bangs his head on the register)

Narrator: Hang in there Squidward, it’s all part of the job. (scene cuts to a shot of the Krusty Krab training manual) Now that you’ve learned the basics of your training, it’s time for the moment you’ve been waiting for. (a blue screen appears with the krabby patty slowly coming closer to the screen. The narrator is singing, then exausted pants, and takes a deep breath, then resumes) Preparing the Krabby Patty! (scene cuts to SpongeBob bowing down to a poster of a Krabby Patty) At the center of every great dynasty is the crown jewel that keeps it alive and bribing. (SpongeBob crawls to the poster) For the Krusty Krab, this is the Krabby Patty. (SpongeBob licks the patty that is on the poster) And now you, the humble employee off the street, the all-too-necessary human resource that keeps this business afloat, will learn the sacred and dark secrets of how to prepare, with your very own hands... (SpongeBob gasps) the sumptinuous, lip-moistening, spine-tingling, heart-stopping pleasure center that is a Krabby Patty! Are you ready? (SpongeBob nods) Are you sure? (SpongeBob nods his head harder and his head tears in half) Ok! The secret formula is...(cuts to black)