FANDOM


This page contains mature content.
Some viewers may find this page inappropriate and disturbing.
Accordingly, viewer discretion is advised.
  • [first lines; Middle East 1997 – a helicopter flies into a compound]
  • Helicopter Pilot: This is Zero One Alpha. We have secured the Falcon. I say again, we have secured the Falcon.
  • [inside the building four men have apprehended a terrorist leader and he is tied to a chair]
  • Harry Hart: [subtitled] I will count from one to ten. Within that you’ll tell me what I want to know. Otherwise the number ten is the last thing you’ll hear. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…
  • [the terrorist lifts his head up to reveal a grenade pin in his mouth]
  • Lee: Grenade! Get Back!
  • [he pushes Harry out of the way and jumps onto the terrorist and covers the explosion]
  • Harry Hart: Shit. Fucking missed it. How did I fucking miss it?
  • [looking at one of his partners, Merlin]
  • Harry Hart: Merlin, I apologize both for putting you in this position. You trained him well.
  • [looking at the other partner, Lancelot]
  • Merlin: James, your training is over.
  • Harry Hart: Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot.
  • [he shakes his hand]
  • Lancelot: Sir.
  • [looking at the dead bodies of Lee and the terrorist]
  • Harry Hart: I’ll deal with this mess, personally.
  • [London – Harry visits Lee’s wife Michelle]
  • Harry Hart: I very much regret that your husband’s bravery can’t be publicly celebrated. I hope you understand.
  • Michelle Unwin: How can I understand, if you won’t tell me anything? I didn’t even know he was away with his squad.
  • Harry Hart: I’m so sorry, I can’t say more.
  • [clearly upset Michelle nods her head]
  • Harry Hart: I would like to present you with this medal of valor. And if you look closely on the back, there’s a number. And as a more concrete gesture of our gratitude, we’d like to offer you an…let’s call it a favor. The nature of it is your choice. Just tell the operator “Oxford’s, not Brogue’s”, and then I’ll know it’s you.
  • Michelle Unwin: I do not want your help!
  • [she pushes Harry’s hand holding the medal away]
  • Michelle Unwin: I want my husband back!
  • [she starts crying]
  • [Harry goes over to Lee’s young son, young son Gary, aka Eggsy]
  • Harry Hart: What’s your name, young man?
  • Little Eggsy: Eggsy.
  • Harry Hart: Hello, Eggsy.
  • [referring to the snow globe in Eggsy’s hand]
  • Harry Hart: May I see that?
  • [Eggsy hands him the snow globe and Harry gives him the medal]
  • Harry Hart: You take care of this, Eggsy. Alright?
  • [Eggsy nods his head]
  • Harry Hart: And take care of your mum too.
  • [Eggsy nods his head again, Harry then leaves]
  • [Argentina, 17 years later – Professor James Arnold is being held captive by a group of thugs, one of them takes the hood off his head]
  • Big Goon: So sorry, Professor Arnold. Just a tiny bit more.
  • [as the thug tries to take the tape off of Arnold’s mouth]
  • Professor Arnold: Oh, for God’s sakes, just rip it off!
  • Big Goon: I am under very strict instructions not to hurt you.
  • Professor Arnold: Look, you’ve made a mistake. I’m university lecturer, I’ve got no money.
  • Big Goon: This isn’t about money. Our boss just wants to just talk to you.
  • Professor Arnold: Am I meant to find that reassuring?
  • Big Goon: He’ll be here soon, he’ll explain. Do you like whiskey?
  • [to one of his thug companions]
  • Big Goon: Red, get a ’62 Dalmore.
  • Professor Arnold: Mm.
  • Big Goon: Honestly, this whiskey is amazing. You will shit.
  • [there is a knock heard at the door, the thug answers it and finds it’s Lancelot]
  • Lancelot: I suppose asking to borrow a cup of sugar is a step too far.
  • [as the thug goes to shoot him he quickly gets his gun out and shoots the thug he then proceeds to fight and kill the rest of the thugs]
  • Lancelot: Professor Arnold, I’m here to take you home.
  • [the thug that was fetching the whiskey enters with the tray in his hand when Lancelot quickly shoots him, then takes the glass of whiskey off the tray and sniffs it]
  • Lancelot: Mm. 1962 Dalmore . It’d be a sin to spill any. Don’t you think?
  • [he takes a sip when suddenly there’s a knock at the door, as Lancelot goes to answer it he’s suddenly cut down the middle by a woman with bladed prosthetic legs named Gazelle ]
  • [Gazelle fetches some sheets and holds them out to Arnold]
  • Gazelle: Can you hold these, please?
  • [Arnolds holds his out indicating he’s tied up, Gazelle uses one of her bladed prosthetic legs to cut the ropes tying Arnold’s hands, she gives him the sheets to hold as she uses them to cover up the dead bodies of the thugs; to Arnold as he throws her the last sheet]
  • Gazelle: Thank you.
  • [she opens the front door]
  • Gazelle: Everything is clean.
  • [she holds out the glass of whiskey for her employer, Valentine]
  • Valentine: My kind of welcome.
  • [he laughs, takes the glass of whiskey and drinks it]
  • [to Arnold]
  • Valentine: No stomach for violence. I mean, literally. I see one drop of blood, that is me done. I’m like…
  • [he imitates throwing up]
  • Valentine: Projectile. Listen, I’m so sorry you had to witness all this unpleasantness due to our uninvited guest. But I promise you, by the time I’ve found out who he worked for, you and I will be the best of friends.
  • [back in London; to his driver]
  • Harry Hart: To the shop, please.
  • [the car pulls up in Savile Row outside a tailor shop which Harry enters]
  • Kingsman Tailor: Arthur is in the dining room, sir.
  • [Harry goes to the dining room]
  • Harry Hart: Arthur.
  • Arthur: Galahad. The others were beginning to wonder if we were going to have a double toast.
  • [Harry takes seat next to Arthur and they both put on glasses that when you look through them show the other members of the Kingsman taking part in the meeting]
  • Arthur: Gentlemen, I am thankful to say it’s been seventeen years since we last had occasion to use this decanter. Lancelot was an outstanding agent and a true Kingsman, he will be sorely missed.
  • [he holds up his glass of whiskey]
  • Arthur: To Lancelot.
  • [the others hold up their glass of drink]
  • Kingsman Agents: To Lancelot.
  • [they all drink to Lancelot]
  • Arthur: I intend to start the selection process for Lancelot’s replacement tomorrow. I want each of you to propose a candidate and have them report to UK HQ no later than 9 p.m. GMT. Thank you.
  • [they take off their glasses as the meeting ends]
  • [Merlin stands by the dining room doorway]
  • Arthur: Merlin. Come in. Lancelot was investigating a group of mercenaries who were experimenting with biological weaponry. Glasses, gentlemen. Please.
  • [Arthur and Harry put their glasses back as Merlin shows them information through the painting hanging on the wall]
  • Merlin: Uganda, 2012. Synthetic Cathinone. You put it in the water supply of a guerrilla army base. Rage, cannibalism. Multiple fatalities. Chechnya, 2013. Insurgents turned on one another. Indisputable, the work of our mercenaries but no trace of any chemicals of any kind.
  • Harry Hart: So what happened to Lancelot?
  • Merlin: He tracked them to this property in Argentina. And while he had them under surveillance, he became aware that they had effected a kidnapping. So he executed a solo rescue mission which failed. This is his last transmission:
  • [the screen shows the message: KIDNAP VICTIM IS PROFESSOR JAMES ARNOLD]
  • [referring to Arnold]
  • Harry Hart: Who is he?
  • Merlin: Some climate change doomsayer. Expounded something called Gaia theory about the world healing itself or some such. But what’s curious, is he’s not actually missing. This is Professor Arnold.
  • [he shows them footage of Arnold]
  • Merlin: At Imperial College, this morning.
  • [Merlin gives the files to Harry]
  • Arthur: It’s all yours. And don’t forget your membership proposal. Try picking a more suitable candidate this time.
  • Harry Hart: Seventeen years and still evolving with the times remains an entirely foreign concept to you. Need I remind you, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that young man. He was as much Kingsman material as any of them. More so.
  • Arthur: But he wasn’t exactly one of us, was he? Let’s face it, Galahad. Your little experiment failed.
  • Harry Hart: With respect, Arthur, you’re a snob.
  • [Harry gets up and starts to walk out]
  • Arthur: With respect?
  • Harry Hart: The world is changing. There’s a reason why aristocrats developed weak chins.
  • [he turns and leaves]
  • [we see now a grown up Eggsy looking at himself in his bedroom mirror, he tucks the medal Arthur had given under his shirt]
  • Michelle Unwin: Eggsy? Eggsy, come here.
  • [Eggsy walk to the living room where his mother, Michelle, is sat watching TV with her new husband, Dean]
  • Michelle Unwin: Got any rizla, babe? Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.
  • Dean: Why don’t you do your mum a favor, go down to the shop and get some.

Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Get ’em yourself.

  • Michelle Unwin: Oy. What have I said to you about speaking to Dean like that?
  • [looking at Dean’s friend, Poodle, also sat with them watching TV]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Three’s a crowd, ain’t it? Why don’t Dean’s poodle go?
  • Dean: I tell you what.
  • [he takes some cash out of his pocket]
  • Dean: Why don’t you take this and go and get some rizla’s, get yourself some sweets? And while you’re gone, we’ll show your mother how three can be good company.
  • [Eggsy reluctantly takes the cash]
  • Michelle Unwin: Thanks babe.
  • [at the same time his baby sister starts crying and Dean starts kissing Michelle; Eggsy goes over to his baby sister and gives her a dummy]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: There you go, sweetheart. Here we go. Is that better?
  • [he then leaves]
  • [Eggsy meets his friends in the pub]
  • Ryan: If Dean treat your mum’s so bad, why don’t she leave him?
  • Jamal: Low self-esteem. That’s her problem.
  • Ryan: Fuck off. Why would she have low self-esteem? Eggsy mum’s well fit.
  • [Ryan and Jamal laugh]
  • Ryan: No offense pal.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: It’s alright. One of these days I’m gonna smash his face in.
  • Jamal: Are you mental, Gaz? He’ll just get that lot to do you and then pretend he knew nothing…
  • [pointing to some thugs sat at another table]
  • Jamal: …about it.
  • Rottweiler: Oy, you think you can chat shit about us and we won’t do nothing, just cause our governor’s bangin’ Eggsy’s mum?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Pretty much, yeah.
  • [to Eggsy]
  • Jamal: Just leave it. Let’s just go, man. It’s not worth it.
  • [Rottweiler and his group of thugs walk over to their table]
  • Rottweiler: You boys have outstayed your welcome. Leave.
  • [suddenly Eggsy stands and Ryan and Jamal leave]
  • Rottweiler: What?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’m sorry about that, broth.
  • [he turns and starts to leave]
  • Rottweiler: Yeah. Mug.
  • [referring to Dean’s thugs as they walk out of the pub]
  • Ryan: They weren’t fucking worth it, boys.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: It’s freezing. Why are we walking?
  • [he holds up car keys]
  • Jamal: You jacked his fucking car keys, broth?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yep. Now we’re gonna nick his car.
  • [he unlocks Rottweiler’s car]
  • Ryan: Fucking shit. Move, broth!
  • [they get into the car]
  • [as hears a car engine revving outside]
  • Rottweiler: Hold on boys.
  • [he walks out the pub and sees Eggsy and his friends swerving the car around]
  • Rottweiler: Hey, that’s my fucking car! Oy! Oy! Eggsy! I swear, you’re in fucking trouble. Stop it!
  • Ryan: Floor it, Eggsy!
  • [Eggsy drives off, Rottweiler calls Dean]
  • Rottweiler: Yea, yeah, Dean, look it’s me! Eggsy just stole my fucking car, yeah! Yeah, I’ve come out of the pub, he’s done about fifteen donuts in my fucking face and then he’s drove off! No, I can’t! Look, he’s disrespecting me and that means he’s disrespecting you!
  • [just then he sees the police chasing Eggsy and his friends in his car]
  • Rottweiler: Oh! Oh! Oh! Hold up!
  • [the police chase Eggsy as he drives the car backwards down a few blocks until he crashes into another car when he tries to avoid hitting a fox crossing the street]
  • Ryan: Dick head!
  • Jamal: Foxes are vermin, Gaz. You should’ve driven it over.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I should’ve done a lot of things. I’ll sort this, get out of the car.
  • [Ryan and Jamal hesitate]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I said get out of the fucking car!
  • [Ryan an Jamal get out of the car and Eggsy drives into the police car]
  • [whilst being interrogated at the police station]
  • Policeman: Eggsy, there is no such thing as honor amongst thieves. Now you can start giving me some names of the boys you were with, or you go down. It’s up to you.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I want to exercise my right to a phone call.
  • Policeman: Well, I hope it’s to your mum, to tell her that you’re gonna to be eighteen months late for your dinner.
  • [Eggsy takes out the medal he wears around his neck and calls the number on the back]
  • Female Voice: Customer complaints. How may I help you?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Um…my name’s Eggsy Unwin. Sorry, Gary Unwin. And I’m up shit creek, I’m in Holborn police station and my mum said to call this number if ever I needed help…
  • Female Voice: I’m sorry, sir. Wrong number.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Wait, wait!
  • [he then remembers the phrase Harry had told his mother to use when making the call]
  • (Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oxford’s not Brogue’s?
  • Female Voice: Your complaint has been duly noted, and we hope that we’ve not lost you as a loyal customer.
  • [policeman interrogating Eggsy gets a call as he smokes outside the station]
  • Policeman: Yep. You what? I… Yep. Yes, I totally understand.
  • [looking angry the policeman walks back into the station, at the same time Eggsy walks out after being released, as he walks down the stairs Harry is waiting for him]
  • Harry Hart: Eggsy. Would you like a lift home?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Who are you?
  • Harry Hart: The man who got you released.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That ain’t an answer.
  • Harry Hart: A little gratitude would be nice. My name is Harry Hart, and I gave you that medal. Your father saved my life.
  • [Eggsy and Harry are sat in Eggsy’s local pub]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So before you was a tailor, were you in the army? Like an officer?
  • Harry Hart: Not quite.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So where was you posted? Iraq or something?
  • Harry Hart: Sorry, Eggsy. Classified.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: But my dad saved your life, yeah?
  • Harry Hart: The day your father died, I missed something. And if it weren’t for his courage, my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present. So I owe him. Your father was a brave man. A good man. And having read your files, I’d think he’d be bitterly disappointed in the choices you’ve made.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You can’t talk to me like that.
  • Harry Hart: Huge IQ, great performance at primary school. Then it all went tits up. Drugs, petty crime, never had a job.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, you think there’s a lot of jobs going around here, do you?
  • Harry Hart: Doesn’t explain why you gave up your hobbies. First prize, regional under tens’ gymnastics two years in a row. Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my step-dad, you pick up new hobbies pretty quick.
  • Harry Hart: Oh, of course. Always someone else’s fault. Who’s to blame for you quitting the Marines? You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Because my mum went mental! Banging on about losing me as well as my dad. Didn’t want me being cannon fodder for snobs like you, judging people like me from your ivory towers, with no thought about why we do what we do! We ain’t got much choice, you get me? And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses, we’d do just as well as you, if not better.
  • [Rottweiler and his thugs enter the pub]
  • Rottweiler: What the fuck are you doing here? You taking the piss?
  • Harry Hart: Some more examples of young men who simply need a silver suppository?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, they’re exceptions. Come on.
  • Harry Hart: Nonsense, we haven’t finished our drinks.
  • [Rottweiler and his thugs come over to their table]
  • Poodle: After you nicked his car, Dean says you’re fair game. And he don’t give a shit what your mum says.
  • Harry Hart: Um, listen, boys. I’ve had a rather emotional day, so whatever your beef with Eggsy is, and I’m sure it’s well founded, I’d appreciate it enormously if you could just leave us in peace until I finish this lovely pint of Guinness.
  • Rottweiler: You should get out of the way, Granddad, or you’ll get hurt a lot.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: He ain’t joking, you should go.
  • [Harry places his glass on table, then gets up to leave]
  • Harry Hart: Excuse me. Excuse me.
  • Poodle: If you’re looking for another rent boy, they’re on the corner of Smith’s Street.
  • [Harry walks over to the front door and starts locking it]
  • Harry Hart: Manners maketh man. Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.
  • [with the hook of his umbrella, he grabs a glass and swings it at Rottweiler’s head and knocks him out]
  • Harry Hart: Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?
  • [as one of the thugs goes to punch Harry, he moves his head and Poodle gets punched instead knocking his teeth out, then Harry proceeds to swiftly beat the rest of the thugs when suddenly Rottweiler pulls out his gun and starts shooting at Harry who uses his umbrella to deflect the bullets]
  • Rottweiler: You fucking dirty…fucking dirty…
  • [he runs out of bullets, Harry then uses his umbrella to knock him out, then just as the bar owner is about to call the police, Harry uses an “Amnesia” dart to knock him out]
  • [after knocking out all the thugs Harry goes back to sit down and finishes his drink]
  • Harry Hart: Sorry about that. Needed to let off a little steam. Heard yesterday a friend of mine died. He knew your father too, actually. Now, I do apologize, Eggsy. I shouldn’t have done this in front of you.
  • [Harry goes to use his watch to release the amnesia dart on Eggsy]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, please. I won’t say nothing, I swear. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s keep my mouth shut.
  • Harry Hart: You won’t tell a soul?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Ask the feds, I’ve never grassed anyone up.
  • Harry Hart: Is that a promise?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: On my life!
  • [Harry looks at him for a moment before lowering his arm]
  • Harry Hart: Much appreciated, Eggsy. You’re right about the snobs. But there too, there are exceptions. Best of luck with everything.
  • [he pats Eggsy on the shoulder, picks up his umbrella and walks out of the pub]
  • [Eggsy returns home and Michelle goes over to him looking worried]
  • Michelle Unwin: Eggsy, just go, please. Because he’s gonna…
  • [suddenly Dean walks over to Eggsy and punches him, Michelle tries to intervene]
  • Michelle Unwin: No! Please don’t hurt him!
  • Dean: Fuck off!
  • Michelle Unwin: Don’t hurt him!
  • Dean: Get the fuck away!
  • [Dean shoves her away]
  • Dean: Shut the fuck up!
  • [Dean grabs hold of Eggsy’s throat]
  • Dean: Who was with you in that fucking pub? I want to know the name of the geezer you was with!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I was not with no one!
  • [Dean slaps him]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know what you’re on about!
  • [Dean slaps him again]
  • Dean: Who was he?!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know what you’re fucking on about!
  • [Dean slaps him again]
  • Dean: Fucking tell me his name!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know what you’re fucking on about!
  • [as Dean carries on abusing Eggsy, Harry overhears the struggle through a mic that he placed on Eggsy’s shoulder]
  • Dean: You listen to me, I want to know who you was with in that pub. Do you Understand? I want to know his fucking name!
  • [Harry hears as Dean hits Eggsy again]
  • Dean: I swear, I’ll rip your head off!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know what you’re fucking on about!
  • Dean: Tell me!
  • Michelle Unwin: Just tell him, Eggsy!
  • [Dean picks up a knife and shoves it in Michelle’s face]
  • Dean: Fuck off! Fuck off, Michelle!
  • [threatening Eggsy with the knife]
  • Dean: I could kill you right now and no one in the whole world will know it!
  • [suddenly Harry’s voice is heard]
  • Harry Hart: But I would. I have enough evidence on your activities to have you locked up for the rest of your life, Mr. Dean Anthony Baker.
  • Dean: What the fuck?!
  • Harry Hart: So I suggest you leave the boy alone or I shall be forced to deliver it to the appropriate authorities. Eggsy, meet me at the tailor I told you about.
  • Dean: What the fuck’s going on here?!
  • [Eggsy rushes out of the apartment where he runs into Dean’s thugs]
  • Rottweiler: Eggsy, you fucking maggot.
  • [more thugs come up to grab Eggsy when he quickly evades them]
  • Rottweiler: You wanker! I’ll have you done!
  • [Eggsy enters the Kingsman tailor shop where he finds Harry sat having a drink]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’ve never met a tailor before. But I know you ain’t one.
  • [Harry finishes his drink]
  • Harry Hart: Come with me.
  • [Harry takes Eggsy to the back room and stands by the large mirror]
  • Harry Hart: Come on in.
  • [Eggsy stands next to Harry looking at himself in the mirror]
  • Harry Hart: What do you see?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Someone who wants to know what the fuck is going on.
  • Harry Hart: I see a young man with potential. A young man who is loyal. Who can do as he’s asked, and who wants to do something good with his life.
  • Harry Hart: Did you see the film “Trading Places”?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.
  • Harry Hart: How about “Nikita”?
  • [Eggsy shakes his head]
  • Harry Hart: “Pretty Woman”?
  • [Eggsy looks at him with confusion]
  • Harry Hart: Alright. My point is that the lack of a silver spoon has set you on a certain path, but you needn’t stay on it. If you’re prepare to adapt and learn, you can transform.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, like in “My Fair Lady”.
  • Harry Hart: You’re full of surprises. Yes, like “My Fair Lady”. Only in this case, I am offering you the opportunity to become a Kingsman.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: A tailor?
  • Harry Hart: A Kingsman agent.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Like a spy?
  • Harry Hart: Of sorts. Interested?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You think I’ve got anything to lose?
  • [Harry places his hand on the mirror, which activates the elevator taking them to the secret tunnel]
  • [as the elevator takes them to them underground to the secret tunnel]
  • Harry Hart: Since 1849, Kingsman Tailors have clothed the world’s most powerful individuals. By 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War I. That meant a lot of money going un-inherited, and a lot of powerful men with a desire to preserve peace and protect life. Our founders realized that they could channel that wealth and influence for the greater good. And so began our other venture. An independent, international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion. Above the politics and bureaucracy that undermine the integrity of government-run spy organizations. The suit is a modern gentleman’s armor, and the Kingsman agents are the new knights.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How deep does this fucking thing go?
  • Harry Hart: Deep enough.
  • [as they reach the bottom of the tunnel there’s a shuttle waiting for them and takes them to a massive mansion in the country]
  • Harry Hart: Shit, we’re late.
  • [as they get off the shuttle and make their way Eggsy looks in awe at the massive station holding planes, cars, etc.]
  • Harry Hart: Your father had the same look on his face. As did I. Come on.
  • [Harry walks through a corridor where Merlin is waiting]
  • Merlin: Galahad.
  • [explains to Eggsy]
  • Harry Hart: My code name.
  • Merlin: Late again, sir.
  • [to Eggsy]
  • Harry Hart: Good luck.
  • Merlin: In you go.
  • [Eggsy enters the room where the other recruits are gathered]
  • Merlin: Fall in.
  • [Eggsy and the other recruits stand to attention]
  • Merlin: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin. You are about to embark on what is probably the most dangerous job interview in the world. One of you, and only one of you, will become the next Lancelot. Can anybody tell me what this is?
  • [he holds up a wrapped plastic bag, the other recruits put up their hands and Merlin points to one of them]
  • Merlin: Yes?
  • Charlie: Body bag, sir.
  • Merlin: Correct. Charlie, isn’t it?
  • Charlie: Yes, sir.
  • Merlin: Good.
  • Merlin: In a moment, you will each collect a body bag. You will write your name on that bag. You will write the details of your next of kin on that bag. This represents your acknowledgment of the risks that you’re about to face as well as your agreement to strict confidentiality. Which, incidentally, if you break, will result in you and your next of kin being in that bag. Is that understood?
  • [Eggsy looks in confusion at the other recruits who nod]
  • Merlin: Excellent. Fall out.
  • [he turns and leaves]
  • [Eggsy goes to one of the beds in the room looking around in confusion]
  • Roxy: Roxanne. But call me Roxy.
  • [they shake hands]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’m Eggsy.
  • Roxy: “Eggy”?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, “Eggsy.”
  • [Charlie interrupts them]
  • Charlie: Eggy? And where did they dig you up?
  • Roxy: You know we’re not allowed to discuss who proposed us.
  • Digby: No need to bite his head off. Charlie’s only making conversation, right, Charlie?
  • Charlie: Hm.
  • Digby: I’m Digby.
  • [Eggsy shakes his hand]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Digby.
  • Digby: Eggy, this is Rufus. Rufus, Eggy.
  • [Eggsy shakes Rufus’s hand]
  • Rufus: So, Eggy, are you Oxford or Cambridge?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Neither.
  • Charlie: Saint Andrews?
  • Digby: Durham?
  • Rufus: No, wait, I think we may have met. Did you serve me at the McDonald’s in Winchester service station?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, but if I had, I’d have given you an extra helping of secret sauce.
  • Charlie: It’s definitely Saint Andrews.
  • [they snicker and Eggsy turns away from them]
  • Roxy: Just ignore them.
  • Amelia: You need a pen?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Cheers.
  • Roxy: Amelia, isn’t it? Amelia, Eggsy.
  • Amelia: Hi, Eggsy.
  • [she shakes his hand]
  • Amelia: Don’t take any notice of those guys.
  • Roxy: That’s what I told him.
  • [Amelia walks off, Eggsy looks at the label on his body bag]
  • Roxy: It’s just scare tactics. Classic Army technique. No one’s gonna die.
  • [Eggsy hears Charlie, Digby and Rufus snicker behind them]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shame.
  • [looking at a photo of a stitched up body of Lancelot]
  • Valentine: Great. You don’t know, the CIA don’t know. Nobody knows who this guy is? Fine. Seriously, it’s fine. Well, it’s not really fine, but it’s not why I’m here.
  • [he chuckles]
  • Valentine: Hell, man, you know me. Money’s not my issue. I could’ve retired straight out of MIT, fucked off to some island, let the business run itself. Nobody told me to try and save the planet. I wanted to. Climate change research, lobbying, years of study, billions of dollars, and you know why I quit? Because the last time I checked, the planet was still fucked. Hence, my epiphany. Money won’t solve this. Those idiots who call themselves politicians have buried their heads in the sand and stood for nothing but reelection. So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution. And I found it. Now, if you really want to make the world a better place, I suggest you open your fucking ears, because I’m about to tell it to you.
  • [we see Valentine is sat talking to the President in the White House]
  • President: Go on, Mr. Valentine. I’m still listening.
  • Valentine: As long as you agree to all my terms.
  • [as the recruits are sleeping, the room starts to fill with water and everyone wakes in panic]
  • Charlie: Alright, no one panic. Listen to me. Stay calm. Fuck.
  • [they all look around for something to help them]
  • Charlie: Loo snorkels, loo snorkels!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Loo snorkels?
  • Roxy: Shower heads!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shower heads?!
  • Charlie: She’s right.
  • [to the others]
  • Charlie: Go! Fucking go!
  • [everyone starts swimming towards the shower heads]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Hey, hang about, what’s wrong with the fucking door?
  • [Eggsy swims over to the door and tries to open it but fails, he then swims to the mirror on the opposite side of the room and smashes it, releasing the water into the next room where Merlin was overseeing them]
  • Merlin: Congratulations on completing your first task. Charlie, Roxy, well done. For those of you who are still confused, if you can get a breathing tube around a U-bend of a toilet, you have an unlimited air supply. Simple physics, worth remembering. Eggsy, well done for spotting that was a two-way mirror.
  • Charlie: He’s probably seen enough of them.
  • Merlin: Yeah, you can all wipe those smirks off your faces. Because as far as I’m concerned, every single one of you has failed. You all forgot the most important thing. Teamwork.
  • [he points to the dead body of Amelia left in their room]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So much for classic army technique.
  • [Harry waits for Arnold as he enters his lecture theater]
  • Professor Arnold: Hello. Can I help you?
  • Harry Hart: Yes, I have a question about anthropogenic force.
  • [Arnold looking pleased chuckles]
  • Professor Arnold: Oh. Really? Well, it’s actually quite fascinating.
  • [as Arthur walks over to the blackboard suddenly Harry grabs him by the throat]
  • Harry Hart: My colleague died trying to rescue you, and I’m sure you saw how well trained he was, so I suggest you tell me who kidnapped you and why they let you go.
  • Professor Arnold: I have no idea what you’re talking…
  • [Harry slaps him hard in the face]
  • Professor Arnold: I’m not supposed to say it, but it was…
  • [he starts yelling in pain]
  • Harry Hart: Oh, for God’s sake. I’ve barely touched you. Oh, man up!
  • [suddenly Arnold’s head explodes, Harry looking disorientated sees two thugs in the room pointing their guns at him, so Harry detonates a grenade before jumping out the window]
  • [after finding out that Arnold’s head implant had been activated due to Harry’s interrogation]
  • Valentine: Fuck that guy, whoever he is. I’m gonna… He made me kill Professor Arnold. I Goddamn loved Professor Arnold.
  • Gazelle: Well, the good news is we know the emergency and surveillance system work.
  • Valentine: You know what’s not good news?
  • [imitates Harry’s British accent]
  • Valentine: “My colleague died!” That’s what he said! This is an organization, and they’re all over us. Whoever you spoke to…
  • Gazelle: I told you, I made contact with the KGB, MI6, Mossad and Beijing. They all insist he wasn’t one of theirs.
  • Valentine: Beijing. So freaky how there’s no recognizable name for the Chinese secret service. Now, that’s what you call a secret, right? You know what? Fuck it. We need to speed things up. Bring the product release forward.
  • Gazelle: We’re only halfway into production, and speeding it will cost a fortune.
  • Valentine: Do I look like I give a fuck? Just get it done.
  • [addressing the recruits]
  • Merlin: As some of you will have learned last night, teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman. We’re here to enhance your skills, test you to the limit. Which is why you’re gonna pick a puppy.
  • [we see puppies in cages placed in front of the recruits]
  • Merlin: Wherever you go, your dog goes. You will care for it, you will teach it, and by the time it’s fully trained, so will you be. Those of you who are still here, that is. Do you understand?
  • [the recruits nods in acknowledgment]
  • Merlin: Choose your puppy.
  • referring to the puppy Roxy has chosen]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: A poodle?
  • Roxy: What? They’re gun dogs. Oldest working breed. Easy to train.
  • [looking at Eggsy’s puppy]
  • Roxy: A pug?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: It’s a bulldog, ain’t it?
  • [Roxy gives him a look]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: It’ll get bigger though, won’t it?
  • [Roxy shakes her head]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shit.
  • [Harry is lying on a hospital bed, unconscious and hooked up to monitors]
  • Merlin: His MRI shows no signs of concussion. No direct brain trauma at all.
  • Arthur: How much longer can he be out?
  • Merlin: That’s the million-dollar question. We don’t know what he was exposed to in there.
  • Arthur: What about Harry’s footage? It didn’t stream to his home terminal.
  • Merlin: Encrypted and uncrackable. If and when he comes around, you might want to have a word with him about sharing his password.
  • [Eggsy enters the room]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Is he gonna be alright?
  • Merlin: We need to have patience, Eggsy. But there’s hope, okay? If I were you, I’d concentrate on your training. Make it through the tests. Make him proud.
  • [the recruits are running with their puppies but Eggsy’s puppy, J.B. refuses to listen to him]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: J.B., come on! Come on! I’m not coming last cause of you.
  • [he points his rifle at J.B.]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: J.B., I’ll shoot you! Goddamn you, I’ll fucking shoot you!
  • [J.B. whimpers]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin said we’re not allowed to hold you.
  • [giving up, Eggsy picks up J.B.]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Bollocks.
  • [he starts running with J.B. tucked in his shirt]
  • [Eggsy is woken up in the middle of the night by Charlie and his friends throwing water on him]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Water!
  • [Charlie and his friends laugh]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on, then!
  • Roxy: Eggsy, forget it!
  • Charlie: Oh, what’s wrong, mate? You can’t take a joke?
  • [to Eggsy trying to calm him down]
  • Roxy: Seriously, you’ll get thrown out, and it’s just not worth it.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Maybe I don’t give a fuck if I get kicked out!
  • Charlie: Do it. Come on, you pleb.
  • Roxy: Charlie, fuck off!
  • Charlie: Aw.
  • [he turns and walks away]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, go on, walk away. Dickhead.
  • [picks up J.B.]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on, J.B. Come on, good boy
  • [we see Harry waking up from his coma; we see the recruits sitting for an exam]
  • Merlin: You have exactly one hour to complete the test, starting now.
  • [we see the recruits on a late night stakeout in the woods]
  • Charlie: New target, eight hundred meters. You know, it’s unbelievable. You’re still here, lingering like some big steaming shit that just won’t flush.
  • [as Eggsy is looking through his rifle lens]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Roger that. Target identified. And how about you shut the fuck up?
  • Charlie: Positive discrimination, that’s what it is. It’s like those fucking state school kids who get into Oxford on “C” grades cause their mum is a one-legged lesbian.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You don’t know fuck all about my grades.
  • Charlie: Oh, forgive me, I’m sure you’re highly educated. Fire when ready.
  • [Eggsy shoots and hits the target]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How’s that for positive discrimination?
  • [Valentine and Gazelle meet with the Scandinavian Princess Tilde and the Swedish Prime Minister for dinner]
  • Valentine: I want to thank you both for listening, and I really, really appreciate you traveling all this way, Your Royal Highness. And you, too, Prime Minister.

Swedish Prime Minister: I think this is quite brilliant. It’s absolutely brilliant.

  • [he chuckles]
  • Princess Tilde: You are completely crazy.
  • [Tilde starts speaking in anger in Swedish to the Prime Minister, as she gets up to leave suddenly Gazelle pushes her back down into her seat]
  • Princess Tilde: Don’t touch…!
  • Valentine: Sorry, Your Royal Highness. But you’ve got a big role to play in getting the Scandinavian region back on track. You’re popular, inspirational, and you have the power to galvanize the people. Now, whether you’re on board or not, I’m going to have to insist on getting you somewhere I can ensure your safety.
  • Valentine: How about you, Prime Minister? You in or out?

Swedish Prime Minister: Well, I think it’s about time that a politician did something that, uh…actually made a difference.

  • Valentine: Too true.
  • Princess Tilde: What…?
  • [to Gazelle]
  • Princess Tilde: Take her away.
  • [speaking Swedish to the Prime Minister as Gazelle takes her away]
  • Valentine: Drink?
  • Swedish Prime Minister: Why not?
  • [as they hear Tilde screaming for help to her bodyguards]
  • Valentine: Don’t worry. No harm will come to the princess.
  • Swedish Prime Minister: Well, I’m a republican anyway, so it…it really doesn’t matter.
  • [they both laugh; to Gazelle]
  • Bodyguard: Release the princess!
  • [Gazelle kills the guards with her prosthetic legs as Tilda watches in horror]
  • [as they finishing implanting a chip into the Swedish Prime Minister’s head]
  • Gazelle: Okay, you’re done. Not so bad, right?
  • Swedish Prime Minister: Hardly felt a thing.
  • Valentine: Welcome aboard.
  • [they shake hands]
  • Swedish Prime Minister: Pleasure is all mine.
  • [they both laugh]]
  • [Eggsy enters with J.B. into Harry’s recovery room]
  • Harry Hart: Ever heard of knocking?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Only when I’m casing a place to rob. Merlin said you wanted to see me.
  • [J.B. starts to bark]
  • Harry Hart: I hope J.B.’s training is going as well as yours is.
  • [to J.B.]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Sit.
  • [J.B. sits]
  • Harry Hart: Congratulations on making it to the final six candidates. Your test results were even better than I could’ve hoped.
  • [there’s a knocking on door]
  • Harry Hart: Come in.
  • [Merlin enters]
  • Merlin: Oh…Eggsy, I need to have a private conversation. You’re dismissed.
  • Harry Hart: Nonsense. Let him observe. Might learn a thing or two.
  • Merlin: As you wish.
  • Merlin: Take a look at this.
  • [Merlin shows them the footage taken from Harry’s glasses as he was grabbing hold of Arnold and his head exploded]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fucking hell! That is rank, Harry. You blew up his head? It’s a bit much, ain’t it?
  • Merlin: Actually, the explosion was caused by an implant in his neck. Here, under the scar.
  • Harry Hart: Did my hardware pick up the signal that triggered it?
  • Merlin: Fortunately, yes. Unfortunately, the IP address I traced it to is registered to the *Valentine Corporation.
  • [Merlin brings up a profile of Valentine on the screen]
  • Harry Hart: That’s not much of a lead. He has millions of employees worldwide.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That Richmond Valentine is a genius.
  • [both Harry and Merlin look at Eggsy]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Did you not see his announcement today?
  • Merlin: No.
  • [Eggsy takes Merlin’s tablet and keys in the information to bring up the footage of *Valentine’s latest announcement]
  • Valentine: We each spend on average two thousand dollars of the a year on cell phone and internet usage. It gives me great pleasure to announce those days are over. As of tomorrow, every man, woman and child can claim a free SIM card, compatible with any cell phone, any computer, and utilize my communications network for free. Free calls, free Internet for everyone. Forever.
  • [Merlin takes the tablet from Eggsy after which Harry takes it from Merlin and closes up on Valentine’s assistant who has the implant scar on her neck]
  • Harry Hart: Valentine’s assistant has the same implant scar. I think Mr. Valentine and I should have a tête-à-tête.
  • Merlin: He’s having a gala dinner next week, I’ll get you an invitation. You need to be careful, though. Since you’ve been out, hundreds of VIPs have gone missing. No ransom notes, exactly like Professor Arnold.
  • Harry Hart: Then I suggest you make my alias somebody worth kidnapping.
  • [the remaining recruits are on their latest test mission waiting to be dropped out of a plane]
  • Roxy: Fuck, fuck, fuck.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What, don’t like heights?
  • Roxy: Yeah, it’s okay. I’ve done it before, which is probably why, come to think of it.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Hey, it’s gonna be alright. You’re top of the class.
  • [over speakers]
  • Merlin: Listen up. Your mission is to land in the target without the radar detecting you. If I read you on the radar or you miss the target, you go home. Is that understood? Drop zone coming up, twenty seconds.
  • [to Roxy]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: We got to go.
  • [the recruits stand to get ready to jump out of the plane]
  • Roxy: Eggsy, I really don’t think I can do this.
  • Charlie: Of course you can’t. Head to the back and I’ll show you how, yeah?
  • [Charlie and the other two recruits go ahead of them and jump out of the plane]
  • Charlie: Come on!
  • [as Eggsy and Roxy are about to jump out]
  • Roxy: Eggsy! Eggsy, wait! Hang on!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Roxy, just stop fucking about! Follow me, yeah?
  • [Eggsy jumps out of the plane]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on!
  • [over radio as Roxy still hesitates to jump]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Roxy, it’s now or never. Jump!
  • [Roxy jumps out of the plane and catches up with the other recruits as they float to the ground]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Good girl, Rox. I’m glad you made it!
  • [as the recruits are all messing about in the air]
  • Merlin: My, my, you’re all very cheerful. Did you really think it was gonna be that straightforward? Any idiot can read a heads-up display. A Kingsman agent needs to be able to solve problems under pressure. Like what to do when one of your group has no parachute.
  • [he chuckles to himself as he watches them on the monitor]
  • Roxy: What? No parachute?!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shit!
  • Roxy: Who?!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck!
  • Charlie: Which one?
  • Rufus: What do we do?!
  • [to the recruits as they are all panicking and heading straight to the ground]
  • Merlin: I told you. Aim for the target, come in under the radar. And I hope not to be scraping one of you up. But if I do have to, and you’re inside the target, please know I’ll be very impressed.
  • Rufus: Fuck!
  • Roxy: Oh, shit!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Everybody listen, I’ve got a plan! Pair off! Grab the closest person to them.
  • [Eggsy is closest to Rufus]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rufus, come on!
  • Rufus: Oh, fuck!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rufus!
  • Rufus: Oh, shit! I can’t!
  • [Rufus panics and pulls his parachute which opens]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck!
  • Rufus: Oh, thank God.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rufus, you wanker!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shit, we’re an odd number now! Quick, make a circle!
  • Charlie: Fuck, he’s right! Boys, let’s do it.
  • [they all grab each other’s hands]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: We pull our cords one by one! When we know who’s fucked, the person on their right grabs them.
  • Roxy: Okay, Eggsy.
  • [as he watches their progress back at the headquarters]
  • Merlin: Good plan, Eggsy. You have thirty seconds. Come on now, hurry.
  • Digby: Me first!
  • [he pulls his parachute which opens pulling away from the group]
  • Digby: Oh, fuck! Yes!
  • [as their altitude is getting lower and lower]
  • Hugo: Okay, me next.
  • [he pulls his parachute and it opens pulling away from the group]
  • Hugo: See you on the ground, boys.
  • Charlie: Now me!
  • [Charlie pulls his parachute and it opens]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck! Roxy, no matter what happens now, I’ve got you, alright?
  • Merlin: Okay, Eggsy.
  • [they hold each other’s hands]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yours first, okay?
  • Roxy: Yep. Hang on!
  • [Eggsy attaches himself to her]
  • [Merlin watches from headquarters as they get dangerously close to the ground and accidentally drops his cup of coffee]
  • Roxy: Oh, shit!
  • [Eggsy pulls Roxy’s parachute and it opens]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shit!
  • [Eggsy barely manages to hold on to Roxy’s legs as they fall]
  • Roxy: Shit!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rox!
  • Roxy: Fuck.
  • [they finally both manage to land inside the target on the ground]
  • [Merlin gathers the recruits after everyone has landed on the ground]
  • Merlin: Hugo, Digby. You don’t land in the K, you’re not in the K. Rufus, you opened too soon. *You were all over the radar. All three of you, pack your bags, go home.
  • [the three walk off]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations. You set a new record. Opening at three hundred feet, that’s pretty ballsy. Well done for completing another task. Fall out.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Sorry, sir. But why the fuck did you choose me as the gimp? Am I the expendable candidate?
  • Merlin: No, no, no. You don’t talk to me like that. You have a complaint, you come here and you whisper it in my ear.
  • [Eggsy walks over to him and Merlin leans towards him]
  • Merlin: You need to take that chip off your shoulder.
  • [then he suddenly pulls his parachute and it opens]
  • [Harry goes undercover to Valentine’s estate, he knocks on the door and Valentine opens it]
  • Valentine: Mr. DeVere. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
  • Harry Hart: I’m awfully sorry. I seem to have my dates muddled up.
  • Valentine: Oh, no, no, no. I canceled the gala because of you. Anybody willing to donate that much deserves their own dinner. Come in.
  • Harry Hart: Thank you.
  • [he enters into Valentine’s house]
  • Valentine: Gotta admit, I was really intrigued to meet you. There aren’t many billionaires I don’t know.
  • Harry Hart: I don’t doubt it.
  • Valentine: And, obviously, I had my people look into your affairs, and that’s some pretty old money you’re from. How’d your folks make it?

Harry Hart: Property, mostly. Property and the markets. Nothing questionable, if that’s your concern.

  • Valentine: Ah, look, I’m just into finding out what caliber person you are. I’m sure you understand that.
  • Harry Hart: I most certainly do.
  • [Valentine leads Harry to the dining room]
  • Valentine: Hope you’re hungry.
  • Harry Hart: I’m famished.
  • Valentine: Good. Grab a seat.
  • [Gazelle enters with the food trolley and opens it to reveals Big Mac meals]
  • Harry Hart: I’ll have the Big Mac, please.
  • Valentine: Great choice! But nothing beats two cheeseburgers with secret sauce. Goes great with this ’45 Lafite.
  • Harry Hart: A classic pairing. And may I suggest Twinkies and a 1937 Château d’Yquem for pudding?
  • Valentine: I like it.
  • Valentine: So, you want to donate to my foundation. You are aware that I wound things down in that area, right?
  • Harry Hart: Climate change is a threat which affects us all, Mr. Valentine. And you’re one of the few powerful men who seems to share my concerns.
  • Valentine: No, I shut things down because I wasn’t getting anywhere. Every bit of research kept pointing to the same thing.
  • Harry Hart: That carbon emissions are a red herring and that we’re past the point of no return, no matter what remedial actions we take.
  • [Valentine laughs]
  • Valentine: Oh, you know your shit.
  • Harry Hart: I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance of those less well-versed in their…shit. As Professor Arnold always said, “Humankind is the only virus cursed to live with the horrifying knowledge of its host’s fragile mortality.”
  • Valentine: You know, not a lot of people knew about him.
  • Valentine: You like spy movies, Mr. DeVere?
  • Harry Hart: Nowadays they’re all a little serious for my taste. But the old ones…marvelous. Give me a far-fetched theatrical plot any day.
  • Valentine: The old Bond movies!
  • [he chuckles]
  • Valentine: Oh, man! Oh, when I was a kid, that was my dream job: gentleman spy.
  • Harry Hart: I always felt the old Bond films were only as good as the villain. As a child, I rather fancied a future as a colorful megalomaniac.
  • Valentine: What a shame we both had to grow up.
  • [he laughs softly and holds up his burger]
  • Valentine: Bon appétit.
  • [later Valentine escorts Harry out as he leaves]
  • Valentine: Just give me a couple of days to think over your proposal. I’ll have my people get in touch with yours, and it’s all good.
  • Harry Hart: And thank you for such a…happy meal.
  • [Valentine smiles and Harry leaves]
  • Gazelle: Well, want me to follow him?
  • Valentine: Nah. I put a nano tracker gel in the wine. We’ll know his every move for the next 24 hours. Finally find out who he works for.
  • [Harry meets with Arthur]
  • Harry Hart: Valentine didn’t let me out of his sight. All I got was this on the way in.
  • [he shows Arthur the footage shot with his glasses showing one of Valentine’s aides carry a pamphlet]
  • Harry Hart: South Glade Mission Church is a hate group based in Kentucky. FBI have been monitoring them for years.
  • Arthur: But you think Valentine is a supporter?
  • Harry Hart: No evidence yet of a direct connection, but I’ll keep looking.
  • Arthur: Oh, by the way, our ever-growing list of missing persons now includes Scandinavian royalty. Royal Crown Princess Tilde.
  • [we see Tilde being held captive in an underground facility]
  • Swedish Prime Minister: Just let me out, you psycho!
  • Valentine: I told you, you’re free to go any time you want, as long as you agree to my conditions.
  • Swedish Prime Minister: I don’t agree, and I am never, ever going to agree!
  • Valentine: Tough shit.
  • [Valentine closes the hatchet on the prison door]
  • Valentine: Bitch.
  • News Reporter: [voice] The list of missing celebrities and dignitaries has continued to grow in recent weeks, and world leaders are coming under increasing pressure to provide answers. we see the Swedish Prime Minister being interviewed
  • Swedish Prime Minister: We are doing everything in our power to find Princess Tilde. You know, governments and security forces worldwide are working together to find the person behind these abductions.
  • News Reporter: [voice] In other news, people all over the world continue to wait in line day and night to get their free SIM cards.
  • [as people are waiting in line to get the free SIM card]
  • Ryan: Uh, Mrs. P. You get one?
  • Michelle Unwin: Yeah…yeah, I been queuing up all day.
  • [Eggsy, Charlie and Roxy are watching the news]
  • News Reporter: [voice] This unprecedented giveaway by the philanthropist Richmond Valentine has already seen over a billion cards distributed.
  • [Merlin enters the room and the three stand to attention]
  • Merlin: At ease. So you thought we were done for the day, huh? Well, we’re not.
  • [he gives each of them an envelope]
  • Roxy: A party?
  • Merlin: Tonight, in London.
  • [holding up a photo of a girl]
  • Charlie: Who’s this?
  • Merlin: Your target. Your mission is to use your NLP training to win over the individual in the photograph in your envelope. And when I say “win over,” I do mean in the biblical sense.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Easy. Posh girls love a bit of rough.
  • Charlie: We’ll see about that, yeah?
  • [they all reveal their photo which is the same girl]
  • Roxy: We certainly will.
  • [at the party Charlie tries to chat up the female target]
  • Charlie: Hi. Sorry, I just had to come over and say, amazing eyes. Are you wearing color contacts?
  • Lady Sophie: No!
  • [she laughs]
  • Charlie: You so are.
  • [just then Roxy joins them]
  • Roxy: Oh, my God, negging. That’s hilarious. I haven’t heard anyone try that since the noughties.
  • Lady Sophie: Excuse me?
  • Roxy: Negging. Saying something negative to a pretty girl in order to undermine her social value. It’s supposed to make you want to win his approval. Absurdly basic, neuro-linguistic programming technique.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Is it just me, or does this champagne taste a little bit funny?
  • Charlie: It’s an acquired taste, mate.
  • [Eggsy joins them]
  • Roxy: I think it’s just cheap.
  • [referring to her cocktail]
  • Lady Sophie: Get one of these instead, they’re delicious.
  • Charlie: You know, if you’re into seduction techniques, this guy is textbook. See what he just did? It’s called an opinion opener. He got you talking with a neutral question, got all of us involved in the conversation, so that you craved individual attention.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, I’m just saying the champagne tastes rank.
  • [they are interrupted by a man]
  • The Interrogator: Lady Sophie Montague-Herring, phone call for you at reception.
  • Lady Sophie: Be right back.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: We’ll see you in a bit, yeah?
  • [Sophie gets up and walks off]
  • Roxy: See you in a bit.
  • [after Sophie leaves]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Budge up, Rox. I’m feeling a bit rough.
  • Roxy: Are you alright?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.
  • The Interrogator: Sorry to eavesdrop, but, you know, there’s a much easier way to guarantee getting someone home. Rohypnol. Or even something stronger.
  • [just then Eggsy, Charlie and Roxy pass out]
  • [Eggsy wakes up to find himself tied to the train tracks]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Who the fuck are you? Where am I?
  • [the interrogator holds up the knife he’s holding]
  • The Interrogator: This knife can save your life, huh?
  • [suddenly a train whistle blowing can be heard as the train approaches]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck!
  • The Interrogator: My employer’s got two questions for you, Eggsy. What the fuck is Kingsman, and who’s Harry Hart?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know who the fuck that is! Shit!
  • The Interrogator: Oh, Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends for giving me the same bullshit answer!
  • [as the train gets closer]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck! Just cut the fucking ropes, please!
  • The Interrogator: Hey, Eggsy! Is Kingsman worth dying for?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: F…fuck you!
  • [suddenly the train runs over him, but Eggsy is dropped into a little hole in the tracks and Harry is seen standing where the Interrogator was holding the knife]
  • Harry Hart: Congratulations. Bloody well done.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How’d the others do?
  • Harry Hart: Roxy passed with flying colors. Charlie’s up next. Want to watch?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, alright.
  • [Charlie’s tied to the same train tracks as Eggsy was with the interrogator standing over him]
  • Charlie: Oh, fuck.
  • The Interrogator: Is Kingsman really worth dying for?
  • Charlie: No, it fucking isn’t! Shit, I’ll tell you what you want. Please! Chester King is Arthur. Arthur’s head of a spy agency, it’s called Kingsman. Get me out of here!
  • The Interrogator: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.
  • [the interrogator steps back as the train gets closer]
  • Charlie: Come on! That wasn’t the fucking deal!
  • [the train runs over Charlie and like Eggsy he’s dropped into the hole in the tracks as it passes]
  • Charlie: Fuck! Oh, fuck!
  • [Arthur walks over to Charlie]
  • Arthur: I had such high hopes for you. You’re a bloody disgrace.
  • Charlie: Arthur, I’m sorry. At least untie me.
  • Arthur: Untie yourself.
  • [Arthur walks off]
  • Charlie: Arthur. Arthur, please.
  • [Eggsy, Roxy, Harry and Merlin are watching Charlie on a monitor]
  • Charlie: I’m the fucking son of the… shit! Anyone? Hello?
  • Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you now have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets, understood?
  • [Eggsy and Roxy look at each other then nod their heads]
  • Merlin: Good. Dismissed.
  • [the others leave the room, Merlin turns to the monitor and uses the speakers]
  • Merlin: Charlie, time to go home.
  • Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking Dad’s gonna hear about this!
  • [pointing to a newspaper heading clipping that’s stuck to the wall in Harry’s office]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “To pee or not to pee?”
  • Harry Hart: That was the headline the day after I defused a dirty bomb in Paris.
  • [reading the heading from another newspaper clipping stuck on the wall]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “Germany – 1, England – 5.”
  • Harry Hart: Missed that game. I was breaking up an undercover spy ring at the Pentagon.
  • [pointing to the newspaper clipping showing a photo of Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s wedding]
  • Harry Hart: My first mission. Foiled the assassination of Margaret Thatcher.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Not everybody’d thank you for that one.
  • Harry Hart: The point is, Eggsy, nobody thanked me for any of them. Front page news on all these occasions was celebrity nonsense. Because it’s the nature of Kingsman that our achievements remain secret. A gentleman’s name should appear in the newspaper only three times: when he’s born, when he marries, and when he dies. And we are, first and foremost, gentlemen.
  • [Eggsy sits down]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That’s me fucked, then. Well, it’s like Charlie said, I’m just a pleb.
  • Harry Hart: Nonsense. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with the circumstances of one’s birth. Being a gentleman is something one learns.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, but how?
  • Harry Hart: Alright, first lesson. You should have asked me before you took a seat. Second lesson. How to make a proper martini.
  • [Eggsy smiles]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes, Harry.
  • [as he’s having his hand scanned his skin is being singed]
  • Valentine: Goddamn it! This fucking hurts!
  • Gazelle: You’re the one who asked for a biometric security system. What’s wrong with a simple switch?
  • Valentine: A simple switch?! This is an extremely dangerous machine. It should only be operated by someone as responsible and sane as me. Bad shit can happen if this falls into the wrong hands.
  • [as he takes his hand off the machine]
  • Valentine: Woh! We done here? Shit!
  • Gazelle: No. Now this one.
  • [opens up another machine]
  • Gazelle: For the test at the church.
  • Valentine: This one just has a short range. A simple switch will do.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So are you gonna teach me how to talk proper, like in My Fair Lady?
  • Harry Hart: Don’t be absurd. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with one’s accent, it’s about being at ease in one’s own skin. As Hemingway said, “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self.”
  • [they enter the Kingsman tailor shop]
  • Harry Hart: Now the first thing every gentleman needs is a good suit. By which I mean, a bespoke suit. Never off the peg. And Kingsman suits are always bulletproof. So let’s get you measured, and then, whether you get the job or not, you’ll have a lasting and useful memento of your time at Kingsman.
  • [as Harry goes to enter the fitting room]
  • Kingsman Tailor: I’m so sorry, sir, but a gentleman is completing his fitting. Fitting room two is available.
  • Harry Hart: One does not use fitting room two when one is popping one’s cherry.
  • [to Eggsy]
  • Harry Hart: Perhaps I’ll show you fitting room three while we wait.
  • [they enter into another fitting room and stand by the mirrors]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So we going up or down?
  • Harry Hart: Neither.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: This it?
  • Harry Hart: Of course not. Pull the hook on your left.
  • [Eggsy pulls the hook and the wall opens, they enter into a weapons room]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Ah, yes. Very, very nice.
  • Harry Hart: Now, you’re going to need a pair of shoes to go with your suit.
  • [going over to some shoes]
  • Harry Hart: An Oxford is any formal shoe with open lacing. This additional decorative piece is called broguing.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “Oxfords, not brogues.”
  • Harry Hart: Words to live by, Eggsy. Words to live by.
  • [Harry gives him a pair of Oxfords]
  • Harry Hart: Try a pair. Your weapon scores are excellent, by the way.
  • [pointing to some umbrellas]
  • Harry Hart: These you’re familiar with. And this is our standard-issue pistol. It’s quite unique, as you’ll see, it also fires a shotgun cartridge for use in messy close-range situations.
  • [referring to the shoes Eggsy has tried on]
  • Harry Hart: How do they feel?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, good.
  • Harry Hart: Now do your very best impersonation of a German aristocrat’s formal greeting.
  • [Eggsy stands, puts his finger on his upper lip and does the Nazi salute]
  • Harry Hart: No, Eggsy.
  • [Harry stands to attention and clips the ends of his feet together which extends out a small spike from his shoe]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That is sick.
  • [Eggsy does the same to his shoe to extend his spike]
  • Harry Hart: In the old days, they had a phone in the heel, as well.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How do I get it back in?
  • Harry Hart: Well, it’s coated in one of the fastest-acting neurotoxins known to man, so very carefully.
  • [he uses the wall to push the spike back in]
  • Harry Hart: Now, I’ve had a lot of fun with this.
  • [he picks up a fountain pen]
  • Harry Hart: One of our finest examples of chemical engineering.
  • [he pulls off the nib]
  • Harry Hart: A poison harmless when ingested, but at a time convenient to you, can be remotely activated. Primed. Lethal.
  • [pointing to the lighters]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And what about these? What do these do?
  • [he picks one up]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Electrocute you?
  • Harry Hart: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a hand grenade.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shut up.
  • Harry Hart: You want to electrocute someone, you’ll need a signet ring. A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand, but a Kingsman wears it on whichever hand happens to be dominant. Touch the contact behind the ring, it delivers fifty thousand volts.
  • [pointing to the rows of cell phones and tablets]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And what about them? What makes them so special?
  • [Eggsy takes one of the lighters as Harry is distracted]
  • Harry Hart: Nothing. That technology’s caught up with the spy world.
  • [Harry starts to leave and Eggsy follows him]
  • Harry Hart: Put it back, Eggsy.
  • [Eggsy turns and puts the lighter back]
  • [as Harry and Eggsy walk out of the fitting room]
  • Kingsman Tailor: Ah, perfect timing. Gentleman’s just finished.
  • [the door to the other fitting room opens and Valentine walks out]
  • Valentine: Mr. DeVere! What a coincidence! You are totally the reason I am here. When you left my house, I was thirsting for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on, and since I’m going to Royal Ascot, and apparently you need one of these penguin suits, here I am. What are you doing here?
  • [to Eggsy]
  • Valentine: What’s up, man? Richmond Valentine.
  • [he shakes Eggsy’s hand]
  • Harry Hart: This is my new valet. I was just introducing him to my tailor.
  • Valentine: Another coincidence. So am I.
  • Harry Hart: Have you had any chance to think further on my proposal?
  • Valentine: Most definitely. My people will be getting in touch with you very soon. I guarantee it.
  • Harry Hart: A word of advice: Ascot requires top hat. I might suggest Lock & Co. Hatters. St. James’s.
  • Valentine: “Lox,” as in smoked fish?
  • Harry Hart: As in “locked up.”
  • [Harry smiles]
  • Valentine: Oh. I have trouble understanding you people sometimes. You all talk so funny.
  • [he turns and walks out with Gazelle following him; to the tailors]
  • Harry Hart: Gentlemen, would you look after him, please?
  • [Eggsy enters the fitting room with the tailor]
  • [standing outside Lock & Co with a top hat]
  • Valentine: Now, this is a dope-ass top hat.
  • [he puts the hat on]
  • Valentine: Gazelle! Let’s go ascoting.
  • [Harry is sat in his cab listening to Valentine as his top hat is bugged]
  • Valentine: Your hat looks fine, Gazelle. Come on, don’t make me late for the queen. Come on, Gazelle, we’re gonna be late. How far is Ascot? How far?
  • [at Kingsman headquarters]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?
  • Arthur: Sit down.
  • [Eggsy enters the room with J.B. following him and takes a seat]
  • Arthur: Pretty dog. What’s his name?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: J.B.
  • Arthur: As in James Bond?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.
  • Arthur: Jason Bourne?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No. Jack Bauer.
  • Arthur: Oh! Bravo.
  • Arthur: It pains me to admit it, Eggsy, but I think that one day you might be as good a spy as any of them.
  • [Arthur picks up a gun, points it at Eggsy before offering it to him]
  • Arthur: Take it.
  • [Eggsy takes the gun]
  • Arthur: Shoot the dog.
  • [Eggsy looks at J.B.; at the same time Merlin is in another room with Roxy and her dog]
  • Merlin: This weapon is live.
  • [he gives the gun to Roxy]
  • Merlin: Shoot the dog.
  • [back with Eggsy, he points the gun at J.B. for a moment, he shakes his head as he’s unable to shoot]
  • Arthur: Give me the gun.
  • [Eggsy points the gun at Arthur when suddenly a gun shot is heard]
  • Arthur: At least the girl’s got balls.
  • [Eggsy gives the gun to Arthur]
  • Arthur: Get out. I knew you couldn’t make it. Go home.
  • [looking disappointed Eggsy leaves]
  • Arthur: Merlin, send in Roxy, please.
  • [Roxy enters the room with Merlin]
  • Arthur: Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot.
  • [he shakes her hand]
  • [Eggsy is standing in his room looking in the mirror wearing his own clothes, he smiles at J.B. when he hears the front door closing]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Mom?
  • Michelle Unwin: Eggsy!
  • [they embrace each other]
  • Michelle Unwin: Oh, God, where have you been? I’ve been so worried about you.
  • [she kisses his cheek, Eggsy then looks at his baby sister]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, my days, look how big you’ve grown.
  • [Eggsy then notices the bruise on Michelle’s face]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Where is he?
  • Michelle Unwin: I’m fine. Eggsy, please, please, just don’t get involved.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, I should never have left you on your own. This stops right now. I’ll be right back.
  • [Eggsy goes to leave]
  • Michelle Unwin: Eggsy.
  • [in the Kingsman cab he’s stolen Eggsy pulls outside the pub where Dean and his thugs are sat]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oy! Dean!
  • Dean: Oh, Muggsy. So you’re back. What, you gone and nicked a fucking taxi now?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah. Can I have a word about my mum’s black eye?
  • Dean: You want to have a word with me? You get out of that cab, I’ll knock you straight back down on your fucking arse.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Tell your muppets to go inside, then I’ll get out.
  • Dean: Go on, lads. There’ll be two hits: me hitting him, him hitting the floor.
  • [his thugs leave]
  • [to Eggsy]
  • Dean: Come on, then, you prick, let’s see what you got, eh? Want a bit of me?
  • [suddenly the cab doors lock and the windows roll up by themselves]
  • Dean: What are you doing?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What the fuck?
  • Dean: Get out of the fucking car!
  • [Eggsy tries to unlock the car]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, no, no! Come on!
  • Dean: What are you doing?
  • [the cab then drives off by itself]
  • Dean: What are you doing, you mug! What, you got no bollocks?!
  • [Eggsy tries desperately to stop the cab]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on, bruv, he hit my fucking mum!
  • Dean: Come back when you’ve grown a pair! Muggsy!
  • [the cab takes Eggsy to Harry’s place and Eggsy enters the house]
  • Harry Hart: You throw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog. And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss’s car.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You shot a dog just to get a fucking job?
  • Harry Hart: Yes, I did.
  • [Harry then shows him a stuffed dog in the bathroom]
  • Harry Hart: And Mr. Pickle here reminds me of that every time I take a shit.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You shot your dog and had it stuffed? You fucking freak.
  • Harry Hart: No, I shot my dog, and then I brought him home and continued to care for him for the next eleven years until he died of pancreatitis.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What?
  • Harry Hart: It was a blank, Eggsy. It was a fucking blank.
  • Harry Hart: Remember Amelia?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah.
  • Harry Hart: She didn’t drown. She works in our tech department in Berlin; she’s fine. Limits must be tested. A Kingsman only condones the risking of a life to save another.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Like my dad saved your life even though your fuck-up cost his. Or have you got him stuffed here and all?
  • Harry Hart: Can’t you see that everything I’ve done has been about trying to repay him?
  • [Harry puts on his glasses as Merlin contacts him]
  • Merlin: Harry, listen to this. Valentine’s at last saying something of note.
  • [over the speaker]
  • Valentine: Know what I love about pen and paper?
  • [Valentine is in his private plane with Gazelle]
  • Valentine: Nobody can hack into this shit. Our worldwide tour was a complete success. We have total coverall. Like when all your numbers in bingo are crossed out.
  • Gazelle: Bingo?
  • Valentine: Bingo. The game. You have played bingo, right?
  • Gazelle: Do I look like I play bingo?
  • Valentine: Point is, if our tests go well at the church tomorrow, we are good to go.
  • Harry Hart: South Glade Mission Church. Merlin, get the plane ready.
  • Merlin: Will do.
  • [Harry takes off his glasses]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Harry, I’m so sorry. I’m gonna do ev…
  • Harry Hart: You should be. You just stay right there. I’ll sort this mess out when I get back.
  • [Harry is in Kentucky sat in the church listening to the nasty sermon from the bigoted leader; to Harry over the radio]
  • Merlin: Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?
  • [Harry looks around and spots the small camera on the wall where Valentine and Gazelle are watching them]
  • Gazelle: You sure we’re out of range?
  • Valentine: We’re over a thousand feet away. What’s wrong?
  • Gazelle: What if the calculations are wrong?
  • Valentine: You just have to trust me.
  • [back in the church Harry gets up to leave; to the woman sat next to him]
  • Harry Hart: Would you excuse me?
  • Church Blonde Woman: Where are you going?
  • [Harry starts to get up]
  • Church Blonde Woman: Hey, what’s your problem?
  • Harry Hart: I’m a Catholic whore currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works in a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.
  • [the woman looks at Harry in shock as he gets up and walks off]
  • Valentine: [as he watches Harry leaving the church] Oh, shit. He’s leaving. I’m starting the test now. Let’s hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.
  • [Valentine activate the signal on the phones of the people with the SIM card in the church; the woman follows Harry as he walks to the door]
  • Church Blonde Woman: Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! [everyone in the church starts to rise to their feet and look at Harry] Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies! You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!
  • [Harry stops turns, takes out his gun and shoots the woman in the head; as he watches from Harry’s laptop]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Holy fuck!
  • Valentine: [people in the church go into a violent rage and start attacking each other] Aw, shit, I can’t watch this. [to Gazelle] Get over here.
  • Merlin: [as everyone is attacking each other in the church Harry kills everyone that tries to attack him; over the radio as he watches what Harry is doing] Galahad, can you hear me? Harry! Harry, what the heck is going on?
  • Merlin: Galahad, can you hear me? Harry! Harry, what the heck is going on?
  • Valentine: [to Gazelle] Could you turn the volume down, please?
  • Valentine: Could you turn the volume down, please?
  • Gazelle: I didn’t expect it to be that effective.
  • Valentine: What kind of response are we talking?
  • Gazelle: A hundred percent.
  • Valentine: So everyone’s been affected, whether they have a SIM card or not. And we get the added benefit of wiping out the Kingsman.
  • Gazelle: Not yet.
  • Valentine: [as she watches Harry stabbing, bludgeoning, impaling and blowing up people] Oh, you need to see this.
  • Valentine: Oh, you need to see this.
  • [Harry kills everyone until he is the only survivor, realizing what he’s done he walks out of the church where he finds Valentine and Gazelle waiting for him]
  • Harry Hart: What did you do to me? I had no control. I killed all those people. I wanted to.
  • Valentine: Clever, isn’t it? In simple terms, it’s a neurological wave that triggers the centers of aggression and switches off inhibitors.
  • Harry Hart: Transmitted through your nasty, free SIM cards, I assume.
  • [Valentine walks over to Harry]
  • Valentine: Do you know what this is like? It’s like those old movies we both love. Now I’m gonna tell you my whole plan, and then I’m gonna come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you’ll find an equally convoluted way to escape.
  • Harry Hart: Sounds good to me.
  • Valentine: Well, this ain’t that kind of movie. [suddenly he takes out a gun and shoots Harry in the head, killing him; Eggsy screams in horror as he watches]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No!
  • [referring to Harry]
  • Valentine: Is he dead?
  • Gazelle: That tends to happen when you shoot someone in the head. It feels good, right?
  • Valentine: No, no, it does not feel good. It feels fucking awful.
  • Gazelle: What?! You just killed how many people in that church? This is one guy.
  • Valentine: No, no, no. They killed each other. Okay, send out the countdown clock. This party starts tomorrow.
  • [both Arthur and Merlin watch all this in horror from the respective locations]
  • Merlin: Arthur? Are you there?

[over the radio]

  • Arthur: Sadly, I am. Assemble the Kingsmen.
  • [back at Harry’s place, still in shock Eggsy remembers Harry’s words to him]
  • Harry Hart: [voice] Can’t you see that everything I’ve done has been about trying to repay him?
  • [Eggsy pours himself a drink as he continues to remember Harry’s words]
  • Harry Hart: [voice] I see a young man with potential, who wants to do something good with his life.
  • [Eggsy drives over to the Kingsman tailor shop and enters to meet with Arthur]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Arthur, Harry’s dead.
  • Arthur: Galahad is dead. Hence, we have just drunk a toast to him.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Well, then you know what that psycho’s doing. How many people around the world have got those SIM cards? Valentine can send his signal to any of them, all of them. If they all go homicidal at the same time, then…
  • Arthur: Indeed. And thanks to Galahad’s recordings, we have Valentine’s confession. The intelligence has been passed on to the relevant authorities. Our work is complete, and a most distinguished legacy for our fallen friend, it is, too.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And that’s it?
  • Arthur: Come and sit down, boy.
  • [Eggsy takes the seat next to him; pointing to the brandy]
  • Arthur: This is an 1815 Napoleonic brandy, and we only drink it when we lose a Kingsman. Galahad was very fond of you.
  • [as Arthur pours a drink Eggsy notices that Arthur has an implant scar under his ear]

Arthur: And on this occasion, I think it’s acceptable for us to bend the rules a little.

  • [Eggsy points to the paintings on the wall to distract Arthur]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Are these all Kingsmen?
  • Arthur: Yes, they’re, uh, founder members. I want you to join me in a toast.
  • [he passes a glass of brandy to Eggsy]
  • Arthur: To Galahad.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: To Galahad.
  • [they both drink their brandies]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Harry said you don’t like to break rules, Arthur. Why now?
  • Arthur: You’re very good, Eggsy. Perhaps I will make you my proposal for Galahad’s position. Provided, of course, that we can see eye to eye on certain political matters.
  • [Arthur picks up one of the pens that activates poison]
  • Arthur: Can you guess what this is?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t have to, Harry showed me. You click it, I die. I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit.
  • [Arthur chuckles]
  • Arthur: Bravo.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Valentine won you over somehow.
  • Arthur: Once he explained, I understood.
  • [we see flashback to when Arthur met with Valentine]
  • Valentine: When you get a virus, you get a fever. That’s the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus. Planet Earth works the same way. Global warming is the fever, mankind is the virus. We’re making our planet sick. A cull is our only hope. If we don’t reduce our population ourselves, there’s only one of two ways this can go. The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host. Either way…
  • [back to Arthur and Eggsy]
  • Arthur: The result is the same. The virus dies.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So Valentine’s gonna take care of the population problem himself.
  • Arthur: Well, if we don’t do something, nature will. Sometimes a culling is the only way to ensure that this species survives. And history will see Valentine as the man who saved humanity from extinction.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he? All his rich mates, they get to live, and anyone he thinks is worth saving, he’s keeping them safe, whether they agree with him or not.
  • Arthur: And you, Eggsy. In Harry’s honor, I am inviting you to be part of a new world. It’s time to make your decision.
  • [Eggsy hesitates a moment before replying]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’d rather be with Harry. Thanks.
  • Arthur: So be it.
  • [Arthur points the pen at Eggsy to activate the poison he put in his drink but instead of killing Eggsy he finds himself dying]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: The problem with us common types is that we’re light-fingered.
  • [he holds up his brandy glass]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Kingsman’s taught me a lot, but sleight of hand…
  • [we see as Eggsy distracted Arthur earlier he quickly switched their brandy glasses]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I had that down already.
  • Arthur: You dirty little fucking…prick.
  • [Arthur dies, Eggsy then uses the tip of the pen to cut the SIM out, at the same time Eggsy sees the message on Arthur’s phone showing Valentine starting the countdown to when he will activate the SIM cards around the world]
  • Merlin: It’s okay, Lancelot. Put it down.
  • [Roxy is pointing a gun at Eggsy after he’s shown them the message on Arthur’s phone]
  • Merlin: It’s verified.
  • [Roxy lowers her gun]
  • Merlin: Arthur’s phone is receiving update texts about getting to safety. We don’t have a lot of time.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What are you gonna do?
  • Merlin: Question is, what are we gonna do? God knows who’s in Valentine’s pocket and who’s not. We’ve no choice. We’re gonna have to deal with this ourselves. Follow me.
  • [as they fly off in a Kingsman plane Eggsy picks up a funny looking device]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What the fuck is this?
  • Roxy: I have no idea.
  • Merlin: What you’re playing with is a prototype personal trans-atmospheric vehicle. It was developed as part of Reagan’s Star Wars project. It’s pretty basic, but it should still work. We’re gonna take out one of Valentine’s satellites. We’re gonna break the chain, stop the signal. It’ll take him a couple of hours to reroute it, which buys us enough time for you to get me into Valentine’s mainframe so I can shut it down.
  • [Eggsy nods his head]
  • Merlin: Lancelot, you’re gonna be using it. Get into your halo suit.
  • [as he watches the Swedish Prime Minister arriving at his secret base]
  • Valentine: So, how many more are we expecting?
  • Gazelle: Not many. Most have their own bunkers. I figure we’re just getting the really nervous ones.
  • [looking at the implant Eggsy had pulled out of Arthur]
  • Merlin: It seems the implant can emit some kind of counter signal to ensure the wearer remains unaffected by the waves from the SIM cards.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: The waves that turn everyone into a psycho killer.
  • Merlin: Quite. But what he probably didn’t tell anyone is it can also super-heat their soft tissue at his command. Valentine selected his chosen few to get the countdown warning, but he had to be sure they didn’t blab to the wrong people beforehand.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How does this help us right now?
  • Merlin: It doesn’t. Roxy! Here we go!
  • [we see Roxy putting on the helmet of her halo suit]
  • [as he attaches two giant balloon to Roxy’s halo suit]
  • Merlin: The higher you go, the more the balloons expand. When you reach the edge of the atmosphere, they’ll explode. You’ll need to deploy your missile just before that, okay?

[looking apprehensive]

  • Roxy: The edge of the atmosphere.
  • Merlin: Once you’ve deployed, you’ll need to release for descent fast. Good luck.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You can do this, okay?
  • Roxy: Yeah.
  • Merlin: Eggsy, come on! Time is not our friend.
  • [as Roxy rises up Eggsy goes back on the plane and waves to her]
  • Merlin: You’re getting in on Arthur’s invitation. You’re gonna need to blend in.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’m supposed to be Arthur?
  • Merlin: His invitation’s in his phone.
  • [he gives Eggsy Arthur’s phone]
  • Merlin: Give them this. Give his real name: Chester King.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What about you?
  • Merlin: I’m your pilot, I’m gonna stay here.
  • [referring to the bag containing a suit]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Is that gonna fit me?
  • Merlin: A bespoke suit, always fits.
  • [he gives the bag to Eggsy]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Just be grateful Harry had it made for you. Get dressed.
  • [referring to his guests]
  • Valentine: What the fuck’s wrong with them?
  • Gazelle: I don’t know. Could have something to do with the mass genocide.
  • Valentine: Give me the mic.
  • [Gazelle gives him the mic]
  • Valentine: Hey-oh! Everybody, listen up! Hello, hello! What the fuck is wrong with you people? I just want to remind you that today is a day of celebration. We must put aside all thoughts of death and focus on birth. The birth of a new age. We mustn’t mourn those who give their lives today. We should honor their sacrifice…and their roles in saving the human race. We must put aside doubt and guilt. You are the chosen people. When folks tell their kids the story of Noah’s Ark is Noah the bad guy?
  • Guests: No!
  • Valentine: Is God the bad guy?
  • Guests: No!
  • Valentine: How about the animals marching two by two?
  • Guests: No!
  • Valentine: Of course not!
  • [Valentine and the guests laugh]
  • Valentine: Yeah, that’s it! Let’s turn those frowns upside down. Eat, drink and party! And I will see you all in the new age.
  • [Eggsy gets dressed in his suit and puts on the Kingsman glasses; over the radio as Roxy is traveling high up towards the edge of the atmosphere]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rox, It’s me. How’s the view?
  • Roxy: Hideous.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Mine’s pretty sweet. They made you one of these suits yet?
  • Roxy: No, not yet.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You’ve got something to look forward to then. We’re coming up on Valentine’s base. Gotta go. Good luck.
  • [Merlin sees Eggsy in his suit]
  • Merlin: Looking good, Eggsy.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Feeling good, Merlin.
  • [as they head towards Valentine’s base]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck me.
  • Merlin: Mm-hmm.
  • [after landing the plane at the base]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, we’re on.
  • [Eggsy gets off the plane and hands his phone to Valentine’s assistant]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Chester King.
  • Valentine’s Assistant: Mr. King, welcome. I’m sure you’ve adhered to Valentine’s strict no-weapons policy, but if you don’t object.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Of course.
  • [the guard scans him for weapons]
  • Valentine’s Assistant: Thank you. Do you have any luggage?
  • [Eggsy turns to Merlin who’s standing by the plane]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Congratulations, Mycroft, you just graduated from my pilot to my valet.
  • [quietly to himself]
  • Merlin: You cheeky…
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Understood? Good.
  • [Valentine’s assistant gives Eggsy back the phone]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Thank you.
  • [over his earpiece as Eggsy is being escorted by Valentine’s assistant to the party]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, find a laptop, get me online. The clock is ticking. And remember, try to blend in.
  • Valentine’s Butler: Would sir care for a drink?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Martini. Gin, not vodka, obviously. Stirred for ten seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth. Thank you.
  • [the butler goes off and Eggsy looks around him]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, are you clocking this?
  • Merlin: Yes, I am. Stay focused.
  • [looking at Roxy’s monitor]
  • Merlin: Lancelot, you’re doing great. Not much further to go.
  • Roxy: Yes, Merlin.
  • Merlin: Eggsy, get me online now.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yep, I’m on it.
  • Merlin: Lancelot, you’re approaching your altitude limit. Those balloons won’t last much longer. Prepare to engage missile.
  • [Roxy prepares to launch the missile to Valentine’s satellite]
  • [Eggsy goes up to the Swedish Prime Minister as he’s working on his laptop]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Society’s dead. Long live society.
  • [the prime minister laughs]
  • Swedish Prime Minister: Amen to that. I’m Morten Lindstrom.

&Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Chester King.

  • [they shake hands]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How did you get online? I couldn’t.
  • Swedish Prime Minister: Oh, well, it’s a closed network, you see. Pre-authorized connections only.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Ah.
  • [at the same time Roxy is preparing to launch the missile]
  • Roxy: I’ve got a fix on the satellite.
  • [to the prime minister]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Do you have the correct time? I think I’m still in my last time zone.
  • Swedish Prime Minister: Oh, yeah, yeah. Let’s see now.
  • [Eggsy uses his watch to launch an amnesia dart at the prime minister, knocking him out so that he can use the laptop]
  • [as he watches on his monitor]
  • Merlin: Oh, shit. Lancelot, hurry up and fire! That other balloon is gonna blow!
  • Roxy: Yes, Merlin. I’ve nearly got it. Give me a second!
  • [back at Valentine’s party]
  • Charlie: Valentine! I’ve caught a fucking spy!
  • Valentine: V-Glass, zoom.
  • [he sees Charlie holding Eggsy with a knife to his throat]
  • Valentine: OH, fuck! It’s that young valet.
  • [suddenly Eggsy electrocutes Charlie with the ring on his finger and knocks him out]
  • Valentine: Son of a bitch.
  • [as Roxy is plummeting back to the ground]
  • Merlin: Lancelot, release now!
  • [Roxy detaches herself from the device she was attached to]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, straight ahead, then right. There’s two more.
  • [Eggsy shoots more of Valentine’s guards chasing him; to his guests]
  • Valentine: Alright, everybody on your feet! Countdown to V-day! Welcome in the new age!
  • [we see Roxy continuing to plummet to the ground whilst at the same time Eggsy continues to shoot and evade Valentine’s guards as he tries to get back to the plane]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, next left, down the narrow tunnel!
  • [to his guests]
  • Valentine: Here we go! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
  • [the missile hits Valentine’s satellite and delays the signal from going live]
  • Merlin: Nice! Well done, both of you.
  • [to Gazelle]
  • Valentine: It’s not working! It’s supposed to be working! What the fuck?
  • [we see Roxy parachuting down to the ground]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes! Well done, Rox. Good girl.
  • Gazelle: We’ve lost one of our satellites.
  • [Merlin notices Valentine biometric scanner to activate the signal is still live]
  • Merlin: Oh, no, no. There’s no way I can hack past that.
  • [he looks out the plane and sees Valentine’s guards waiting]
  • Merlin: What’s going on? Is there a problem? Come on, there’s no need for guns. I’m just a pilot.
  • [just then Eggsy arrives and tries to shoot the guards but finds his gun is empty]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck. Merlin!
  • [Merlin shoots down the guards]
  • Merlin: Get in here!
  • [Eggsy runs towards the plane and Merlin shoots the guard coming up behind him]
  • Merlin: Come on!
  • [after getting back on the plane]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Let’s get the fuck out of here!
  • Merlin: We can’t. I can’t get into Valentine’s machine, he’s got biometric security. You’re gonna have to get in there and make sure his hand never touches that desk.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Are you taking the fucking piss?
  • Merlin: I’m afraid not.
  • [Eggsy sighs and get up and points to the machine gun Merlin is holding]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Let’s have that then.
  • Merlin: Uh-uh. This is mine. I’ll show you yours.
  • [Merlin takes Eggsy to the back of the plane and shows him the weapons he can choose from, Eggsy chooses the umbrella]
  • Merlin: Good choice.
  • Valentine: How long to re-link the satellite chain?
  • Gazelle: It’ll take an hour, maybe two.
  • Valentine: Bullshit! Just bring these two closer together!
  • Gazelle: But that’s not yours.
  • Valentine: V-Glass, call E-man.
  • [after connection is made]
  • Valentine: E, it’s V. Listen, man, I got a little hiccup on this end. I need to piggyback. One *of my satellites just went down, but it’s right next to one of yours. You read my mind. How along before you make that happen?
  • [at the same time Eggsy gets ready to leave the plane again]
  • Merlin: Go.
  • [Eggsy runs off]
  • Valentine: Alright, we should be coming back online.
  • [they watch the monitor]
  • Valentine: Ten percent.
  • [at the same time Merlin watches the proceedings on his monitor]
  • Merlin: Oh, shit! Eggsy, Valentine’s using someone else’s satellite. He’s going to reconnect the chain. It’s going to take him no time at all. It’s at twenty percent!
  • [Merlin then notices an army of Valentine’s guards going after Eggsy]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, it seems Valentine’s got a present for you. Get a move on!
  • Valentine: Alright, we should be coming back online.
  • [they watch the monitor]
  • Valentine: Ten percent.
  • [at the same time Merlin watches the proceedings on his monitor]
  • Merlin: Oh, shit! Eggsy, Valentine’s using someone else’s satellite. He’s going to reconnect the chain. It’s going to take him no time at all. It’s at twenty percent!
  • [Merlin then notices an army of Valentine’s guards going after Eggsy]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, it seems Valentine’s got a present for you. Get a move on!
  • Valentine: Is that Kingsman kid dead yet?
  • Gazelle: Not yet, but he will be soon.
  • Valentine: Good.
  • [as Valentine’s army are surrounding him]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, I’m fucked.
  • [Merlin notices Valentine’s guards are pushing a missile towards the plane]
  • Merlin: As am I.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: They’re coming at me from both sides, I’m out of options. Rox, Rox, I need a favor. Call my mum. Tell her to lock herself away from Dean, and the baby… and… tell her I love her.
  • [as he watches the guards positioning the missile and getting ready to launch it]
  • Merlin: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, remember those implants you said were of no use to us? Any chance you can turn them on?
  • [Merlin goes to the computer on the plane]
  • Merlin: Alright. My turn to play, Valentine.
  • [as he sees Merlin is hacking into his system]
  • Valentine: Oh, oh, no! No, no, what the fuck is he… I can’t stop this.
  • [Merlin manages to bring up the system that activates security implants]
  • Merlin: Yes, please.
  • [he activates the security implants]
  • Valentine: No!
  • [we see the guards and world leaders to have their heads explode like fireworks]
  • Merlin: Oh, my God! That is fucking spectacular!
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, you’re a fucking genius!
  • [suddenly Eggsy hears thumping on the door he’s leaned against]
  • Princess Tilde: What the fuck is happening out there?
  • [Eggsy opens the hatch on the door to see Tilde]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Aren’t you that princess who went missing?
  • Princess Tilde: Can you get me out?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Well if I do, will you give me a kiss? I’ve always wanted to kiss a princess.
  • Princess Tilde: If you get me out right now, I’ll give you more than just a kiss.
  • [as Eggsy goes to open the door suddenly Valentine’s voice comes up on the speakers]

Valentine: You motherfucker. Did you really think I was stupid enough to implant one of those things in my own head? What are you, fucking crazy? All those innocent people killed, and for what? You didn’t stop shit!

  • [Michelle is on the phone to Roxy after locking her daughter in the bathroom]
  • Michelle Unwin: Yeah, fine, I’ve locked the door. What do you want me to do now?
  • Roxy: As I said, put your daughter in the bathroom and throw away the key.
  • [back at Valentine’s base]
  • Valentine: It’s still happening!
  • [to Roxy as she pushes the key to the bathroom under the door]
  • Michelle Unwin: You’re fucking insane.
  • Roxy: Just do it.
  • [at the same time the signal goes live all around the world]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, the signal’s started! Get Valentine’s hand off that bloody desk now!
  • [to Tilde]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Sorry, love. Gotta save the world.
  • Princess Tilde: If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’ll be right back.
  • Princess Tilde: Good luck!
  • [as she watches the monitor showing where the signal has gone live]
  • Gazelle: London.
  • [we see London is in chaos as people are beating each other up and Michelle tries break into the bathroom; Gazelle continues to watch the monitor]
  • Gazelle: Rio!
  • [we see Rio is in chaos as people are beating each other up at the same time Eggsy finds *Valentine and Gazelle, he shoots at them]
  • Gazelle: Get down!
  • [Gazelle grabs Valentine who takes his hand off the scanner stopping the signal]
  • Merlin: You did it!
  • [as Eggsy continues to shoot; to Valentine]
  • Gazelle: The glass is not gonna hold long. You stay here.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, quickly, how do I get up there?
  • Merlin: Keep shooting, I’ll find a route.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Understood.
  • [suddenly Gazelle bursts through the glass and starts shooting at Eggsy]
  • Valentine: Holy fuck!
  • [Gazelle and Eggsy start fighting, at the same time Valentine puts his hand back to activate the signal]
  • Valentine: We’re back up! We’re back up!
  • [we see the world is in chaos again as everyone is beating each other up]
  • Valentine: This is great!
  • Merlin: Eggsy! Fuckin’ get on with it!
  • Valentine: Kick his ass, Gazy!
  • [Gazelle and Eggsy continue to fight as Valentine watches which cities are being affected]
  • Valentine: Seoul, Caracas, Mumbai!
  • Valentine: Gazelle, kill that motherfucker! He killed all our friends!
  • Merlin: Eggsy, the world is going to shit!
  • Valentine: Is he dead yet?!
  • Gazelle: Not yet!
  • Valentine: Stop playing with your food! Kill him!
  • [Eggsy and Gazelle jump at each other, as Gazelle attempts to cut Eggsy with her legs, he her by cutting her with the blade in his shoe]
  • Valentine: Gazelle! Gazelle!
  • [we see the world continuing to be in chaos; to Eggsy]
  • Merlin: Come on, come on! Kill him!
  • Valentine: Fuck. Gazelle…!
  • [Eggsy pulls off one of Gazelle’s legs and hurls it at Valentine’s back, impaling him, which deactivates the signal, Valentine throws up and then falls]
  • Merlin: Well done, son!
  • Roxy: Yes! Yes, Eggsy!
  • Merlin: Well done, Eggsy. And you, Lancelot.
  • [Michelle holds her daughter in her arms after nearly killing her]
  • Michelle Unwin: I’m so sorry. Mummy would never hurt you. Mummy would never hurt you. I’m so sorry.
  • [she kisses her daughter]
  • Michelle Unwin: You okay?
  • [back at Valentine’s base]
  • Merlin: Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy. He was right.
  • [Eggsy walks over to Valentine’s body, he’s still alive]
  • Valentine: What’s up, man? Is this the part where you say some really bad pun?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Well, it’s like you said to Harry. This ain’t that kind of movie, bruv.
  • [Valentine smiles]
  • Valentine: Perfect.
  • [Valentine takes one last breath before dying]
  • [last lines; Eggsy grabs a bottle of champagne with two glasses and rushes to Tilde’s cell]
  • Merlin: Eggsy, where are you going? There’s no need for champagne. We got loads in the plane.
  • [Eggsy walks over to Tilde’s cell]
  • Princess Tilde: Did you save the world?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes, I did.
  • Princess Tilde: So, you gonna come in?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes, I am.
  • [Eggsy tries to open the cell door]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, the cell’s locked. How do I get in?
  • Merlin: Twenty-six, Twenty-five.
  • [Eggsy unlocks the cell door]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, you’re the guv’nor.
  • Merlin: You owe me, Eggsy.
  • [Eggsy enters Tilde’s cell]
  • Merlin: Eggsy?
  • [Merlin sees on the monitor that Eggsy is getting ready to have sex with Tilde]
  • Merlin: Oh. Oh, my word.
  • [Merlin to turn closes the monitor]
  • [mid-credit scene; Michelle and Dean are sat in the pub listening to music]
  • Dean: Michelle, turn that shit off. It’s doing my nut in.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I rather like that song.
  • [Eggsy is standing in the pub dressed in his suit with his umbrella in his hand]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Leave it on, eh, Mum?
  • Dean: Muggsy’s back. You finally come to have that word with me, have you, son? Or are you gonna run away again and pretend you’re going to court dressed like that?
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, you mean this. No. I know this bloke who’s just taken over a tailor’s shop on Savile Row. He’s given me a job, Mum. Comes with a lot of perks. Including a house. Come and live with me there, Mum. Come on.
  • [Michelle smiles and goes to get up]
  • Dean: Sit down, you.
  • Dean: Only place she’ll be visiting is you in fucking hospital. Do you hear?
  • Michelle Unwin: Just leave him alone, Dean! Eggsy, go. Please, just go, babe.
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Alright.
  • [Eggsy turns and stars walking towards the door]
  • Dean: Yeah, that’s it, do as Mummy says. Why don’t you ask that tailor friend of yours to knock up a nice chicken costume. It’d suit you, you mug.
  • [Eggsy stops and smiles to himself]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: As a good friend once said…
  • [he starts locking the pub door]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “Manners maketh man.”
  • Poodle: Dean…
  • Dean: Shut the fuck up. Eggsy, I’m gonna shove your manners up your fuck…
  • [Eggsy grabs a glass with the hook of his umbrella and throws it at Dean’s face, knocking him out; to Dean’s thugs]
  • Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So, are we gonna stand around here all day, or are we gonna fight?