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  • [The episode begins at the Bikini Bottom Museum of Everything. Squidward is at the front doors, showing an art critic his latest painting.]
  • Squidward: Well, what do you think? Do you love it?
  • Art critic: Mr. Tentacles, I simply cannot express my true feelings about your work!
  • Squidward: Yes, I realize my artistic brilliance can be overwhelming.
  • Art critic: Quite frankly... [sniffs the painting] It stinks! [turns the painting to reveal a picture of a sad-looking Squidward with his clarinet]
  • Squidward: Yes, and—what?! Now, see here! Maybe this museum is too low-brow for this masterpiece!
  • Art critic: [gasps] How dare you! [slaps Squidward for his offensive remark] Be gone! [smacks him down the stairs with his painting] And take your putrid painting with you! It has no place in this museum's art collection!
  • [The art critic catapults the painting off the museum's limits.]
  • Squidward: Won't anyone save my precious painting?!
  • [The painting lands in Patrick's butt.]
  • Patrick: Got it!
  • Squidward: Why couldn't it have been anyone else? Give me that! [pulls the painting out of Patrick's butt] What are you doing here?!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick is the museum's new security guard! And he's giving me a guided tour.
  • [Patrick sees that his body is backwards. He turns it around to make it just right.]
  • Squidward: Him? Security?! [scoffs] Ha! This museum's dumber than I thought. [thinking] Hold on, Squidward, if that pointy-headed pea brain is the security guard for this place, then I could sneak my artwork into the museum!
  • SpongeBob: [appears out of Squidward's head] Sneak what into a where?
  • Patrick: [appears out of Squidward's head] Think louder, Squidward! You're mumbling!
  • Squidward: Get out of my head! [shakes SpongeBob and Patrick out of his head; Patrick has Squidward's brain in his mouth; Squidward takes his brain back from Patrick] Give me that! [leaves]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Bye!
  • SpongeBob: Bon voyage!
  • Patrick: Keep making pretty pictures!
  • [The scene changes to Patrick leading SpongeBob into the museum's locker room.]
  • Patrick: The first exhibit on our tour is...[opens the door and green fumes are everywhere]
  • SpongeBob: Whoa!
  • Patrick: The employee locker room!
  • SpongeBob: Wow! Your life is so glamorous! [puts underwear on his head]
  • Patrick: You could be my junior assistant!
  • SpongeBob: Really?!
  • Patrick: Sure. There's a ton of uniforms in these metal boxes! Check it out! Let me just get my key. [digs into his bellybutton, pulls out a crowbar and pries the locker open] Put this on! [tosses SpongeBob a security uniform]
  • SpongeBob: Okay! [swallows the uniform and switches it with his regular clothes] Well, how do I look?
  • Patrick: Guard-tastic!
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick in the middle of the museum. Tourists are looking at paintings, sculptures, and ancient artifacts.]
  • Patrick: Now, rule number one of guarding is, don't let visitors touch stuff. [pokes SpongeBob's eyes as an example]
  • SpongeBob: No touchy, no feely. [pops his eyes back out] Eye-eye. [writes it down on his clipboard]
  • Patrick: Rule number B: no running!
  • [SpongeBob writes it down on his clipboard. Just then, children run over SpongeBob and Patrick to see the next artwork. An old and tired man walks by.]
  • Art curator: Single file, children, single file.
  • [The children run off to see the next artwork.]
  • Patrick: But stampeding is just fine. [he and SpongeBob stand back up] And the most important rule of all is, [takes SpongeBob's clipboard] don't let visitors steal stuff! If you see anybody suspicious, [a robber walks by] you give them the ol' stink eye!
  • [The robber prepares to steal a piece of art. But Patrick leans in closer to the robber. He opens his eyes with onions as pupils. The pupils leave out a putrid smell, which causes the robber to faint.]
  • Patrick: Now you try!
  • [SpongeBob pulls up his pants and walks over to the robber.]
  • Robber: [stands back up] Whew! [screams as SpongeBob leans closes to him]
  • [SpongeBob tries to make his pupils smell like onions. But instead, they become delicious cupcakes. The pupils give off a sweet smell and it makes the robber happy.]
  • Robber: Mmmm. Ooh, delicious. [takes the piece of art and happily skips away while giggling]
  • SpongeBob: Ohh….
  • Patrick: You'll get there, pal.
  • [The scene changes to Patrick showing SpongeBob the historic section of the museum. It is filled with skeletons of cave people and prehistoric animals.]
  • Patrick: Behold, SpongeBob. Before laughter, there was the pre-hysterical period. [takes the skeleton's arm and flosses his teeth]
  • Shubie: [gasps] Oh, look, honey!
  • [Shubie sees the painting of the sponge evolution. But they were unaware that SpongeBob is not from the painting.]
  • Nat Peterson: What an excellent example of the primitive security guard era. [takes a picture with his camera]
  • Patrick: [jumps in between] Ooh! I almost forgot rule number fourth! No flash photography! [snatches the camera, which scares Nat and Shubie away] And that is everything I know about being a security guard.
  • [Patrick eats and swallows the camera. He belches and flashes a bright light in SpongeBob's face. A picture of SpongeBob comes out of Patrick's mouth. SpongeBob is fazed by the camera's flash and takes the picture from Patrick's mouth.]
  • Patrick: [shakes his head to recover from the flash] Now, I'll teach you everything I don't know. [sees SpongeBob motionless and pushes him forward] Right this way.
  • [Patrick takes SpongeBob to the other part of the historic section.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, boy! An extinct wooly mollusk! [sees a display of the wooly mollusk] Aw, this little guy looks like my Gary. [morphs his head into Gary] Meow. [morphs back to normal] Too bad we aren't allowed to touch anything.
  • Patrick: [scoffs] SpongeBob, the rules don't apply to us. We're security!
  • SpongeBob: Hooray!
  • [SpongeBob climbs onto the wooly mollusk display and plays around under its fur. SpongeBob makes an angel with the fur. Patrick pushes the button and it makes the wooly mollusk's eyes glow. But that doesn't amuse Patrick very much.]
  • Patrick: Is that it? Come on. [pushes button harder] Do something! [growls and pants like a wild animal and keeps on banging the button] Why! Won't! You! Work!
  • [The wooly mollusk unexpectedly comes to life. It sucks SpongeBob and Patrick through its trunk and blows them out. SpongeBob and Patrick are sent crashing into one of the skeletons and they land in a different section of the museum.]
  • Patrick: And here we see the ancient junk of the great empire of Pat-Lantis!
  • [The screen pulls out to reveal that the section had many different pieces of art that feature Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick walk over to a stature holding the Earth on his back.]
  • Patrick: Hm? Hey! No touching the exhibits, buddy! [jumps on the statue and breaks the arm off]
  • [The stone Earth rolls over to an ancient temple and crashes into it. The temple crumbles and it creates a statue of Patrick thinking while sitting on the toilet. The statue notices that he is being looked at and pulls the curtains so no one would see. Patrick realized his horrible mistake of destroying the statue and tries to put the arm back together with his saliva.]
  • Patrick: Sorry about that, mister.
  • [The statue's arm hits Patrick on his head. Patrick and SpongeBob tumble over to an ancient mummy's tomb.]
  • SpongeBob: Huh? Oh, look, Patrick! A mummy!
  • Patrick: Mummy! Aww! [hugs the tomb]
  • SpongeBob: Uh, no, Patrick. It's not your mother—
  • Patrick: Love your new look! How's dad?
  • SpongeBob: Never mind.
  • [Suddenly, the children come running in. Patrick opens the tomb and traps the children inside.]
  • SpongeBob: Will those kids be okay in there?
  • Patrick: Oh, sure. Mummy loves kids! [the art curator comes by] I think this is yours. [leaves with SpongeBob]
  • [The art curator opens the tomb and the children run out.]
  • Art curator: Single file, children. [the mummy falls on him]
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick enter the next part of the museum. It has many different paintings, sculptures and pottery made by famous people. Patrick stops and sees an art restorer cleaning a painting that features Mr. Krabs, his money, and a Krabby Patty. SpongeBob and Patrick peak through the magnifying glass.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Whatcha doin'?!
  • Art restorer: [gasps] I'm cleaning centuries of dirt from this priceless painting.
  • Patrick: Going to slow!
  • SpongeBob: I think I know how we can speed things along!
  • Patrick: [pushes the art restorer aside] Please stand back for your own safety.
  • [Patrick picks up SpongeBob and attempts to clean the painting. But instead, they wash the painting away.]
  • Patrick: Here you go!
  • [The art restorer is deeply shocked that SpongeBob and Patrick destroyed a priceless painting. Her glasses shatter into pieces. SpongeBob and Patrick turn and leave. The art restorer takes the destroyed painting and forms it into a window. She opens the window, climbs out and runs away in frantic. Squidward, disguised as an artist, appears.]
  • Squidward: Now to hang my masterpiece.
  • [Squidward looks around and breaks into the museum by climbing through the open window. Squidward chuckles evilly until he sees SpongeBob and Patrick. He hides behind a painting of a seahorse.]
  • SpongeBob: Ooh! I didn't know they had pin the tail on the sea-donkey!
  • Patrick: This place has everything!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick put on blindfolds and hold out pins with a toy donkey tail. They go to pin Squidward's butt until they hear a flash from a camera.]
  • Patrick: Hey! No flash photography!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick run off to stop the photographer. Squidward comes out from his hiding place.]
  • Squidward: Whew! [chuckles evilly as he proceeds to hang his painting]
  • [Squidward sees SpongeBob and Patrick coming back and hides behind the painting again. SpongeBob and Patrick pin the donkey tails on Squidward's butt. Squidward screams and the seahorse painting comes to life as it brays like a donkey.]
  • SpongeBob: The winner! [sees a robber stealing a statue] Did you see that guy?
  • Patrick: Yeah! No running allowed! Let's get him!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick chase after the robber. Squidward comes out of his hiding place.]
  • Squidward: [pulls the pins out of his butt] Hee-haw! [silence] Ah! They're finally gone! [chuckles evilly as he runs over to some paintings]
  • [Squidward checks to see if the cost is clear. He removes a painting that features Mrs. Puff and throws it in the trash can. The painting's smile turns into a frown. SpongeBob and Patrick come back after they captured the robber. They catch Squidward trying to hang his painting on the wall.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick? I think that guy's trying to—
  • Patrick: Touch that painting!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick run over to Squidward. The robber shrugs and proceeds in stealing more art.]
  • Squidward: Uh-oh! [runs off with his painting]
  • Patrick: And now he's stealing it!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick chase Squidward through the museum. SpongeBob imitates a siren sound while riding on Patrick's back. Squidward finds himself backed into a dead end.]
  • Squidward: Oh, no. Dead end!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick look around to find Squidward. Squidward blends into one of the paintings to hide. Once the cost is clear, he comes back out of the painting while accidentally destroying it. SpongeBob and Patrick spot Squidward and run after him once more.]
  • Patrick: Stop, thief!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick chase Squidward down the hallway. Squidward snickers as he believes that he's losing sight of SpongeBob and Patrick. But he suddenly realizes that he isn't looking where he was going as he crashed into the mummy's tomb. SpongeBob and Patrick open the tomb and see Squidward all wrapped up.]
  • SpongeBob: Looks like this case is all wrapped up.
  • Patrick: Thank you, Mummy.
  • Mummy: Anytime, sweetie.
  • [Just as they were about to arrest Squidward for his crimes, SpongeBob and Patrick notices that he escaped from the mummy's wraps and see him running away. SpongeBob and Patrick chase Squidward down another hallway.]
  • Patrick: We're never gonna catch him!
  • SpongeBob: Ooh! The wooly mollusk! [pulls the button off the control panel, hops on the mollusk's back with Patrick, and pushes the button]
  • Patrick: [kicks the wooly mollusk's shell] Hi-ya!
  • [The wooly mollusk comes back to life and lets out a mighty roar. The wooly mollusk begins to move. However, it is moving slower than faster.]
  • SpongeBob: [pushes the button] Come on.
  • [Squidward makes it to the museum's nearest exit.]
  • Squidward: [pants] Ha, ha! Too slow!
  • [Suddenly, children run over Squidward and run out the exit.]
  • Art curator: Single file, children. [steps on Squidward while walking out through the exit] Single file.
  • [The robber runs out through the exit with pieces of art, stepping on Squidward in the process. The wooly mollusk comes by. SpongeBob and Patrick slide down its trunk and land on Squidward.]
  • Patrick: [talks into walkie-talkie] We've secured the purple-tater, over.
  • [The scene changes to the police lady arresting Squidward for breaking into the museum and vandalizing artwork. SpongeBob hangs up Squidward's painting on the wall.]
  • Squidward: Hmm?
  • SpongeBob: There! Back where you belong. [leaves]
  • Squidward: [mumbles] It's beautiful!
  • Lady officer: You actually like that eyesore?
  • Squidward: Why, it's the greatest painting I've ever seen...hanging in the museum! [laughs like a crazed maniac]
  • Lady officer: [creeped out by Squidward's crazed laughter] Okay, that's enough, weirdo. [takes Squidward away so she can turn him in for his crimes]
  • [Squidward's painting comes to life as its frown turns into a smile, thus ending the episode.]
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