Good Ol' Whatshisname
This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Good Ol' Whatshisname" from season five, which aired on July 23, 2007.


[Mr. Krabs is laughing in his office as he is reading a book. SpongeBob and Squidward show up]

SpongeBob: Exciting meeting, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Oh. You bet you, SpongeBob. Listen to this. Individual waste of the end user will substantialy broaden the probablility of multiple subsequent visits, generating an inverse negative revenue margin of three quarters of one half of one percent: meaning if you call the customers by their name, they keep coming to spend more of their green backs! So I want you two to learn the names of every customer.

Squidward: I have an important life to live, and it doesn't include chattering with you two ninnies.

Mr. Krabs: I thought you might say that, so I decided to turn this into a contest. The employee who learns more names wins this. [Squidward takes a brochure and gasps]

Squidward: A tropical getaway? On the triple decker Conhuge Co. cruise liner? Sunbathing—Parcheesi—ballroom dancing! This is gonna be so easy. SpongeBob doesn't realize that I'm the face of The Krusty Krab. While he's isolated in the kitchen all day I've been out here, building a rapport with the customer. [walks up to Evelyn eating] Hello. May I get you anything else, Miss--

Evelyn: Since when do you give two shrimps about customer service, Mr. Grouchy Squidguy?

SpongeBob: Hi, Sally! Hi, Sadie! Hi, Shubie!

Squidward: How does SpongeBob know all these names?

SpongeBob: Right back at you, Lenny!

Squidward: Hey, SpongeBob, could you take a look at the cash register? I think its broken.

SpongeBob: Oh, sure, Squidward.

Squidward: I think you might need a closer look. Let me give you a hand. [shoves SpongeBob in the cash register] SpongeBob: I can't see anything in here, Squidward.

Squidward: Keep looking, SpongeBob. Keep on looking. [walks up to Thaddeus] So, what's your name? [SpongeBob squeezes out of a mustard bottle]

SpongeBob: Hi, Thaddeus!

Squidward: Good-bye, SpongeBob. [takes the mustard bottle from Thaddeus and puts in on the ground outside. Stomps on it and sends SpongeBob soaring in the background. Then he walks back in The Krusty Krab] That should buy me enough time to win that cruise. [Gus walks in]

Gus: Good day, young sir! My name is-- [SpongeBob pops up from under his hat]

SpongeBob: Gus!

Gus: He's right! This guy's so good, you should give him a prize.

Squidward: [grabs SpongeBob] How in Neptune's creation do you know all of these names, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Well, I simply compile the name of every customer in this book. [holds up a book called "The Customers of The Krusty Krab and Why I Love Them. By SBSP"]

Squidward: [grabs the book] Thanks, SpongeBob! [jumps from table to table saying all the customers names] Lets see. Halpert, Norma, Isabelle, Gus, Chaz, Pilar, Jess, Kira, Ivy, Marv, Mable, Mavis-- [crawls up to Suzie who is eating her food] And your name is—Suzie Fish, correct?

Suzie: Yes, and you'd also be correct in saying you ruined my food with your sweat, you nitwit! [walks away] Squidward: Mr. Krabs! That's the last customer. Do I win?

Mr. Krabs: Uh, well, actually, I wasn't keeping score. But I'll just say that you and SpongeBob are neck and neck. And that mystery guy over there'll be the tie breaker. [What Zit Tooya eats his food]

Squidward: Uh, thats, thats--

SpongeBob: Oh, thats-- I know him.

Mr. Krabs: He's the ticket to your prize.

Squidward: [shoves SpongeBob] Out of the way, loser. [runs over to Tooya] Um, hello. My name is Squidward. [Customer #4 looks at him with an annoyed face] Uh, so, what's your name?

What Zit Tooya: What's it to ya?

Squidward: Um, its just that I was going to—um---enter your name in our sweepstakes! [takes out paper and pen] So, what should I put down?

What Zit Tooya: [gulps] First and last name?

Squidward: Sure.

What Zit Tooya: Yeah, why don't you write this on your form. What's it-- [inhales deeply] --to ya?! Now leave me alone! [eats his food as SpongeBob walks over]

Squidward: [whispers to SpongeBob] I see he wants to play hard to get. So be it! I have ways of making the likes of him talk. [runs up to Tooya with a cup of soda] Uh, sir, you forgot your soda.

What Zit Tooya: I didn't order any soda.

Squidward: It's on the house. [Tooya smiles as Squidward throws the soda in his face]

What Zit Tooya: What the barnacles are you doing?

Squidward: Oh, I'm sorry, I slipped. Here, let me clean that up for you. [takes Tooyas jacket off] Okay, there must be a nametag or some form of I.D. in here.

What Zit Tooya: [takes his jacket from Squidward] I don't need your help. [puts the jacket on] I'm out of here! [Squidward follows him]

Squidward: Hey, look up in the sky! A giant meteor is hurtling towards Earth.

What Zit Tooya: Where? [Squidward reaches inside his jacket and takes out his wallet]

Squidward: Oh, you'll see it, just keep looking.

What Zit Tooya: I can't see it.

Squidward: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I found what I was looking for. [laughs as he runs off with the wallet] What Zit Tooya: Hey! Come back here! Give me my wallet! [traffic sign changes to "Stop" as Squidward, who is still laughing runs past a policefish who is eating a doughnut] [mumbling on the walkie-talkie] Policefish: [drops his doughnut] Holy sea cow! That hooligan ran a stop sign. [chases after Squidward] What Zit Tooya: Stop, thief!

Policefish: You know that guy?

What Zit Tooya: Hardly. He stole my wallet. Policefish: What? That makes him a dual offender. Let's get him! [Squidward runs up a ladder to the top of a building as Policefish blows his whistle. at last, Squidward was on the top of the building]

Squidward: [laughs] Finally, the moment of truth! Say good-bye to anonymity, Mr.--

Policefish: [grabs the wallet] Freeze thief!

Squidward: No, you don't understand. I only want the wallet for--

What Zit Tooya: We know exactly why you want it, wallet snatcher. [Squidward tries not letting go of the wallet] Squidward: [grunting] This isn't as it seems!

Policefish: That's what you'll be saying in the slammer, punk. [the wallet rips. Squidward grabs his license]

Squidward: [gasps] His driver's license! [laughs] At last! At last! And your name is-- [sees Customer #4s face and everything on it] Mr. What Zit Tooya? What kind of ridiculous name is that?

What Zit Tooya: It's my ridiculous name! "What Zit Tooya!"

Policefish: [hits Squidward on the head with his nightstick as he falls down] Thats enough of that, ballyhoo. [handcuffs Squidward]

Squidward: But I didn't intentionally do anything wrong.

Policefish: Tell it to the judge, lawbreaker. [puts Squidward in the police car as the siren blares and takes off] [cut to Bikini Bottom Jail]

Squidward: [crosses out a day on his calendar] Only 364 more days and 9 years left until I exchange this concrete tomb for a multi-story ocean liner cruise. [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs walk up to Squidwards cell]

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward.

Squidward: SpongeBob?

Mr. Krabs: The boy and I just thought we'd stop by and check on our convict friend.

Squidward: Call me what you may, fact of the matter is I found out the mystery customers name first. So I win. [laughs] I win, I win, I win, I win, I win!

Mr. Krabs: [hands out Squidward the brochure] Enjoy your prize.

Squidward: Whoo-hoo! Tropical vacaction, here I come! [laughs]

Mr. Krabs: Vacation? Who said anything about vacation?

Squidward: [stops dancing] What? In the brochure, it specifically mentions an ocean liner vacation.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, you mean that brochure. Well, that was the prize. The brochure was taking up too much room in me drawers, you know. It's your prize.

Squidward: You mean, no vacation?

Mr. Krabs: Nope, just the brochure. Well, got to get back to counting me loot. Enjoy your new prize, Squidward.

SpongeBob: See you on the outside in ten years, buddy. [walks away]

Squidward: [laughs maniacally while tearing up the brochure] Oh, well. At least I'll have some peace and quiet for the next ten years.

Patrick: [sitting in the same cell with a game of Parcheesi on a stool] Hey, Squidward. Parcheesi? [Squidward falls as broken pieces]

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