Ghostbusters - 2016 - Theatrical Film Poster

[incomplete & unfixed/messed]

GARRET: So, the Aldridge Mansion is the only 19th century home in New York City preserved both inside and out. At the time of its construction, it was one of the most elegant homes in existence, featuring every luxury including a face bidet and an anti-Irish security fence. GARRET: Uh, over here, you can imagine Sir Aldridge entertaining his wealthy guests. It's said that, in this very room, P.T. Barnum first had the idea to enslave elephants. GARRET: And if you'll follow me...Now, I'm gonna tell you something a little spooky. GARRET: On the morning of October 25th, 1894, Sir Aldridge awoke, furious, when his breakfast was not waiting for him. So he called to his servants,but none of them responded. Why? Because, during the night, one by one,they had each been stabbed to death in their sleep. It was later discovered they were murdered by his eldest daughter, Gertrude Aldridge. Sir Aldridge once wrote in his diary, "I know God makes no mistakes, "but I believe he may have been drunk when he built Gertrude's personality." Now, to spare the family public humiliation, instead of turning her in to the police, they locked her in this basement.And they fed her... ...through this slot. Years later, when a new owner moved in,they dug out her remains.But, after repeatedly hearing strange sounds, he sealed it shut.That's right.No one has opened this door since then. A candlestick falls from a table. GARRET: Okay. Follow me. Maybe steer clear of the door. A close-up on the candlestick shows a strange device below the table. Later, as everyone is gone, Garret looks at the handle below the candlestick that makes it fall by itself. He then walks by the basement door, whose doorknob and locks are creaking. When it makes a sudden move as a scream is heard, he rushes to the front door – and the doorknob suddenly heats, making Garrett burn his hand as he tries to open. An unseen force then pushes the tour guide towards the wall. A scared Garret then goes to the living room, and grabs a bench. GARRET: Sorry, Sir Aldridge. I got to get out of here! He tries throwing the bench into the window… only for it to stop in mid-air and hurl itself back at him. Screams are still heard when Garret decides to take the first opened door he sees… and finds himself in the basement. There, green goo appears with a distinctive glow. GARRET: Oh, Garret, you idiot. A knocking noise is heard… GARRET: No. ...the goo envelops Garret’s hands… GARRET: No. ...and he tries to run the stairs back, but they collapse as he does so. (the music takes a turn for the familiar in this part) A blue entity starts approaching Garret… GARRET: No!No!No! No! No!No! Outside the Aldridge Mansion, a light flashes as the music, for those who didn’t notice, has turned out to be Ray Parker, Jr.’s theme. Then we see the TITLE GHOSTBUSTERS over shots of New York City, before closing in on Columbia University. ERIN: Daniel, Teresa.

ERIN: Sean, that is an excellent question.As you can see from my calculations, we will soon be able to combine general relativity and quantum theory. She starts to stretch herself. ERIN: Teaching in the big hall. Big day. Big hall. Big hall. Big hall! Big hall! She turns around in shocking seeing her practice has a witness – Ed Mulgrave. MULGRAVE: Sorry to interrupt, but I need to speak to you about something you wrote. ERIN: Um... I'm sorry. Uh, yes. What, um...What publication? MULGRAVE: I'm talking about your book. ERIN: Mmm... Book. Um... I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. Now, if you'll excuse me, my class will be here any minute. MULGRAVE: You're Erin Gilbert, right?Co-author of Ghosts from Our Past:Both Literally and Figuratively: The Study of the Paranormal? ERIN: "No self-respecting scientist believes in the paranormal. I can assure you that. I'm sorry MULGRAVE: Okay. But this really does look like you. ERIN: What? No. Yeah, that's me. Look, it was a very long time ago, and it was just a gag between a couple of friends. I'm sorry. MULGRAVE: A 460-page gag? The first sentence is, "This is not a joke." ERIN: What do you want? MULGRAVE: Well, I'm Ed Mulgrave.I'm the historian at the Aldridge Mansion,and I believe it's haunted.If you could just come take a look.I tried the police, but I just sound crazy. ERIN: I'm sorry. That book you're holding is utter nonsense. I don't even know how you got that. I thought I burned both copies. MULGRAVE: It's on Amazon. Both hard copy and e-book. ERIN: What? MULGRAVE: It's on Books on Tape, too. Only, I know how to read. ERIN: Is it now? ERIN: No! No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna kill you, Abby. Oh. FILMORE: Erin. ERIN: Hi! Oh, Dr. Filmore. Hello, hi. FILMORE:We're set for the final review of your tenure case on Thursday. ERIN: Great. FILMORE:But I saw that you had a recommendation letter from Dr. Branum at Princeton. ERIN: Uh... FILMORE: Their science department is really not what it used to be. And I would consider getting a referral from a more prestigious college. ERIN: More prestigious than Princeton? FILMORE:Yes. ERIN: Um, hmm. FILMORE:You see, I think you're an asset to modern physics,but I would hate to see you throw it down the drain. ERIN: No. No, no, no, sir. I won't throw it down the drain. And I will get on that letter. FILMORE: About your clothes... ERIN: Yes? Did you... Uh... Too sexy for academia? FILMORE:Never mind. ERIN: No, no, no. What is it? FILMORE: Never mind! ERIN: I don't... ERIN: Abby. You promised you wouldn't do this. "Abigail continues her passionfor the study of the paranormal "at the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute of Science." STUDENT: Come on, F7! STUDENT #2: Are you kidding me? ERIN: Hello? ABBY: I've been waiting a long time. ERIN: Has been a while, hasn't it? ABBY: Hope you brought me more than one wonton. [The delivery boy enters behind her.] ERIN: Excuse me? Oh. ABBY: Huh.Well, well, well.Erin. ERIN: Abby. BENNIE: Bennie. ABBY: Yes, I know who you are, Bennie. Can I just... Can I have my lunch that I've been waiting an hour for? BENNIE: You know they make smaller headphones now, right? ABBY: It's an advance in science. Thank you for asking. Probably the future you're looking at. Here you go. ABBY: Why don't you show Miss Gilbert to the door. BENNIE: Oh, it's just the same door we came in from. ERIN: Yeah, I know how to get out. It's figurative. BENNIE: It's really not that hard. ERIN: No, I'm okay. ABBY: Don't. BENNIE: I tried. ABBY: Poorly. ERIN: You put our book online without my permission. ABBY: I don't need your permission. ERIN: Of course you need my permission. I wrote that book with you. My name is on it. ABBY: No. Absolutely not. That book is a whole new revenue stream for me. And I'm, like, one-tenth away from getting a new mini fridge in here. ERIN: Look, I am up for tenure right now. ABBY: Ooh, "I'm up for tenure." ERIN: And if my colleagues at Columbia University Google my name, that is the first thing that comes up. Along with a ghost emoji now, thank you very much, ...that does a little dance. ABBY: You know what? That book was our baby.And you abandoned that baby before it even learned to fly! ERIN: Okay, well, books can't fly. And neither can babies, so... ABBY: You don't know. I'll tell you what.If I had a human baby that could fly, I wouldn't be telling the press about it.If I had a flying baby, I'd zip this, and so would you. ERIN: There is no experimental backing for anything in that book. And it makes me look like a crazy person. ABBY: God! Are you kidding me? ERIN: What? ABBY: I got one wonton! I got a tub of soup, and I got one split wonton. Look at that, just floating there. ERIN: I'm sorry you're having a soup crisis right now. ABBY: There's not even any meat in there. That's just a carrot. ERIN: Abby, please. ABBY: Yes. ERIN: Abby! ABBY: [on the phone] You're killing me. I got one wonton again. You got to send Bennie back. And tell him no tip. I should charge him. And it was split up the middle! HOLTZMANN: Come here often? ERIN: I'm sorry, hello? Who are you? HOLTZMANN: Holtzmann. ERIN: Erin. HOLTZMANN: I've heard terrible things about you. ABBY: Don't get too close to her, Holtzmann.She'll ask you to write a book, and then she'll squash your dreams. ERIN: Okay. ABBY: Holtzmann works with me here in the lab. She's a brilliant engineer and very loyal. She would not abandon you. ERIN: I get it. ABBY: She also happens to specialize in experimental particle physics. ERIN: Oh. ABBY: Holtzmann and I are really busy here actualizing what we just theorized about in our book. ERIN: Really? ABBY: Yeah. We're incredibly close on the hollow laser for the reverse tractor beam. Really close. ERIN: You're making a reverse tractor beam? HOLTZMANN: Abby, why don't you let her listen to the EVP. ERIN: What EVP? ABBY: No. Not... There's no EVP. HOLTZMANN: EVP is electro... ERIN: Electro voice phenomenon. I'm familiar. I know what it means. And there's never been one substantiated. ABBY: Oh, there hasn't? There hasn't been one... You know what? You come with me. With a suit on and you get so cocky. HOLTZMANN: A few months ago, we spent eight nights at the Chelsea Hotel.We didn't get anything. Well, we didn't think so. And then later, in the lab,when we were reviewing these tapes... [She starts the tape. Erin approaches it… and a FART NOISE plays. Abby does a spooky “ooo” noise while Holtzmann laughs.] ERIN: Wow, you really got me. ABBY: You know what? Usually we can't even get people over here. But we have never... HOLTZMANN: She came right over to it. ABBY: Never had anybody actually put their face down close to the machine. ERIN: It's a cool joke. That was funny. It's disgusting. HOLTZMANN: Is it more or less disgusting if I tell you it came from the front? ABBY: Oh. ERIN: What's next? You gonna give me a wedgie? ABBY: No. I think both of us pretty much feel you have enough stuck up your butt. HOLTZMANN: Burn! ERIN: Okay, you know what, I thought we could have an adult conversation, but apparently we can't. ABBY: Erin, if you don't believe in this stuff anymore, then why were you looking for the book? ERIN: A man came to see me at my work saying his building was haunted. ABBY: What building? ERIN: The Aldridge Mansion. It's obviously a joke. ERIN: What are you doing? Uh! See, this is, this is exactly... ABBY: You want to go find some ghosts? HOLTZMANN: Yes. HOLTZMANN: Break! ABBY: Ooh! ERIN: Wait, you're going? HOLTZMANN: I got the pack. ERIN: Abby! Please, Abby. The book. ABBY: Come on. Let's go! ERIN: I'm not going with you guys. ABBY:Oh, no. Are you kidding? You were never invited! I need you out of the lab, so I can lock the door. ERIN: Oh. Well, you said "let's," so... ABBY: Oh, my God. Just pull the... HOLTZMANN: We're wasting time. ABBY: Just close the door behind you, it'll lock! ERIN: Abby, wait! ABBY: HEY! Taxi! ABBY: Hey! Hey! ERIN: Abby. Abby, come on. Please, Abby, just take the book down. Please. ABBY: All right, all right, but you have to introduce us to this guy at the Aldridge Mansion. ERIN: Yes, he would love to meet you. ABBY: Then I will consider, maybe, taking the book down until you get your stupid tenure at your stupider college. ERIN: Absolutely. Yes, I will. Yes, of course!

ABBY: You got it? GARRETT: Excuse me! Excuse me! We're not open. Can I help you? ERIN: Yes. Hi. We're looking for Ed Mulgrave. I wanted to introduce these people to him. ABBY: Hi there. ERIN: He came to see me this morning. GARRETT: Ed Mulgrave? ERIN: Yes. GARRETT: But Ed Mulgrave died 15 years ago. ABBY: Yes! That's awesome! ERIN: What? ABBY: Dead for 15 years! Ed's a ghost! Ha! Knew it! ERIN: I just saw him today... Oh. ERIN: He's... So, who is this? GARRETT: That's Ed's son. Ed Junior. ERIN: Okay. That's obviously who I meant. That's... ABBY: Hi, Junior. If I may, uh, when is the last time the paranormal entity was actually seen? And if you were to rank it, let's say between probably a T1 and T5... MULGRAVE: Garret here saw it on Tuesday, and I believe it made him soil himself. GARRET: Jesus. ABBY: Wow. Soiling. I'd put that at a T3. HOLTZMANN: T4, if it was poop. GARRET: What? HOLTZMANN: Unless you ate something weird. Then it wasn't the ghost. Kinda hard to suss that out after the fact though. GARRETT: I didn't soil myself. MULGRAVE: He did. He called me sobbing, saying, "Oh, my God, my pants are toast." ERIN: Okay. All right. ABBY: I'd love to get that back to the lab. ERIN: Well, uh, so I have made the introduction. GARRET: Yeah, thank you. ERIN: There you go. ABBY: All right, well, how 'bout you take us across the street. I got to get in there, set up. Let's go on a tour. He throws the keys on the street. ABBY: Uh... GARRETT: You're gonna die in there. HOLTZMANN: Aldridge Mansion. Take one. And we are rolling. ABBY: Checking the settings. We look good. ERIN: What is that? Looks like one of those things that makes cotton candy. ABBY: It's a PKE meter. There's a ghost anywhere around here, this baby's gonna find it. ERIN: Does it work? ABBY: Uh, yeah, it works. I just haven't had the appropriate proximity to an entity for it to work. Strange reading here. HOLTZMANN: Ma'am, can you tell us where you got the world's tiniest bow tie? ERIN: Uh, it came with the shirt. ABBY: Okay, somebody really doesn't want us getting in that door. HOLTZMANN: Can you tell us what it's like to walk around in those shoes all day? ERIN: It's not fun. HOLTZMANN: All right. ABBY: Oh, Holtzmann, check this out. HOLTZMANN: Hold your ponies. [Erin steps on goo, and then she turns around to see the door opens behind her] ERIN: All right. Good gag. ABBY: Hey, are you getting that? ERIN: Very funny. Is everything a joke to you guys? ABBY: Just your mama. No, actually, I think the world of your mom. ERIN: You guys put all that gooey stuff on the floor. You opened the basement door. You tried to freak me out. ABBY: We did not open the basement door... Basement door is open. HOLTZMANN: I didn't open it. Did you open it? ABBY: I did not open it. ERIN: You know what, it was probably Ed. And the guy who didn't poop his pants. ABBY: Uh-uh-uh-uh. Look over there. [The PKE meter spins like crazy] ABBY: I didn't even know it did that. Noise is heard. ABBY: Oh. Ah. I... My ears just... ERIN: Mine just popped, too. ABBY: That is definitely... ERIN: An AP-xH shift. Yes! ABBY: Shift. I mean, for sure. That's... HOLTZMANN: Uh, guys? ABBY: I don't think we're alone. Holy crap. Let me have the camera. Thank you. Okay. [a crunching noise… Holtzmann eating Pringles chips from the can] ERIN: How can you be eating right now? HOLTZMANN: Just try saying no to these salty parabolas. ABBY: Are you seeing what I'm seeing? ERIN: Good God. ABBY: Class 4 apparition. Distinct human form. ERIN: This can't be happening. HOLTZMANN: Oh, it's happening, all right. ABBY: That's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. ERIN: I'm gonna try to talk to it. ABBY: Just be careful, she could be malevolent. ERIN: Yeah, just make sure you're recording it. ABBY: Yeah, I'm getting it all. ERIN: Okay. HOLTZMANN: Just be cautious. ERIN: I think she wants to communicate with us. ABBY: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. ERIN: It's okay. She seems peaceful. Hello.I think you're gorgeous. Hello. Hi. Um, my name is Erin Gilbert, Doctor of Particle Physics at Columbia...

Oh, God!

ABBY: She's getting away! Come on! 'Hum'. hurry! - Run! - Get it, get it! - Where'd it go? Where'd it go? - Where'd it go? Where'd it go? - There! HOLTZMANN: Oh! ERIN: What just happened? Abby, what just happened? ABBY: I'll tell you what just happened. We saw a ghost. ERIN: We saw a ghost! ABBY: Yeah, we saw a ghost! ERIN: We saw a ghost! Oh, my God! ABBY: We saw a ghost. ERIN: We saw a ghost! ABBY: Oh, my God, we saw a ghost! We were right! We weren't crazy! ABBY: Oh. Oh. ERIN: Oh. Oh. ERIN: We saw a ghost! Ghosts are real! Ghosts are real! I believe in ghosts 'cause I just saw one! They're real! ERIN: Who is that? FILMORE: Dr. Bronstein saw this on Reddit. ERIN: Hmm. FILMORE:It was re-blogged from a site entitled Ghost News. Not a publication I'd heard of. I hope you understand that when we give someone tenure... ERIN: Oh, I accept your tenure. FILMORE:When we give someone tenure, they represent this institution. But this is just not what this institution is about. ERIN: Dr. Gibbons. Hello. Just moving offices. You know. They found a couple cats in the wall. Really stunk in there. Glad I'm getting out. I didn't get fired. ERIN: I got fired! ERIN: Fired! After years, years of hard work. And ass-kissing. God, I kissed so many different kinds of asses. ABBY: Erin, we're sorry that you lost your job.But, I mean, there is kind of a glass is half full aspect of it.I mean, we saw a real ghost. You know, and she was beautiful. HOLTZMANN: Till she dislocated her jaw and ecto-projected all over you. ERIN: Yeah, that stuff went everywhere, by the way, in every crack. ABBY: But, I got to say, even that was kind of spectacularly beautiful. ERIN: I did detect a heavy ionization discharge. I mean, I could smell it. ABBY: A full-torso transmogrification with corporeal aggression. I mean, how often does that happen? I mean, they want us to be quiet about that? We are not gonna be quiet about that. And it's not just us. We have over 100 comments already. And they're not all crazies. Come here, I want to show you this. [takes her to the computer] Read that. ERIN: "Ain't no bitches gonna hunt no ghosts." ABBY: Oh, no, no. Okay. The one below it. This woman is describing a Class 3 haunting in her house. She can't just move. She can't call the police. She can't call her friends. Who's she gonna call? TV: Ghost Jumpers! ANNOUNCER: Tonight, the Ghost Jumpers make contact with the ghost of Bigfoot. ABBY: God! These phonies! I mean, you know what? These guys are the reason you got fired. It's because of stuff like this that makes it impossible for us to do our real work. This cannot be the best option for people. Okay, we are on the cusp of something here, a real discovery. Unlike Columbia, this institute is 100% behind us. ERIN: Really? ABBY: Erin, this is what we have dreamed about since we were little kids. I know that if you come and join us here, they are gonna be so pumped. We just have to go upstairs and ask for more money. DEAN: I just honestly didn't realize your department still existed. ABBY: What? DEAN: Come on, ghosts? I will not let the 12-year reputation of this fine institution be besmirched by you! ABBY: Oh, come on! Suddenly this place has a classy reputation to uphold? You're only dean now because the last dean went to jail. DEAN: Are you saying that I'm not qualified? ABBY: You spell science with an Y. And what's upsetting about that is… I don't think you know that that's wrong. DEAN:This is an institution of higher learning.And if you guys want to study "ghosts," do it somewhere else, because I have two words for you. ERIN: Let me guess, "Get out"? ABBY: No, he's gonna say "suck it." ERIN: He's not gonna say "suck it." DEAN:Suck it. ERIN: You were right. DEAN: You know...Oh, my gosh.I think it might be a ghost. Oh, no, it's not. [gives them the finger] It's just a bird. Bye. [points the door] There's the door. Later days. Can you hear this? Let me turn it up. [spins his hands as if it was a volume knob, whistling as he does so] ABBY: Oh, my God. This is incredibly immature behavior. [mimicks blowing his hand as if it was a balloon… and shows the finger again] DEAN: Caught it. ABBY: Just a minor setback. ERIN: You know what, guys? I think we can really do this. We can become the first scientists to prove the existence of the paranormal. All we have to do is find an entity and capture it and bring it into a controlled environment. That's all! ABBY: Hey! There's the Erin I remember. Welcome back. ERIN: Thank you. HOLTZMANN: Nice. ABBY: Okay, we should probably get this equipment out of here. They're gonna want it back. ERIN: I thought this stuff was yours. HOLTZMANN: All stolen. ERIN: No... DEAN:Hey! That worthless garbage belongs to this school! ABBY:Scatter! Scatter! Scatter! Go, go, go, scatter! [Seward station] PATTY:Hey. Uh, good morning. Okay. Hey, how you doing, sir? Got a Metro... Hey. That's a dope jacket, man. I got that jacket. You know what? It's a sweater. I made a mistake. You have a good day, all right? PATTY:Whoa. Hey! How you doing, man? ROWAN: They'll always ignore you. They are walking sewage, concerned only with their own trivial matters. PATTY:Okay. Um... ROWAN: When the Fourth Cataclysm begins,laborers, such as yourself,will be among the last led to the butchery. So, make the most of your extra time. PATTY:You are just a bundle of joy, ain't ya? You have a good day with your crazy ass. Wow! I wonder what train he taking. [she watches the security monitors] PATTY:Is he going on the tracks? Oh, man... PATTY:You want to use the bathroom, there's a perfectly nice bathroom upstairs at Starbucks. PATTY:Hey, hey! Hey, you're not supposed to be down here, man. Only subway... Whoa! PATTY: What in the sweet hell? ROWAN: Exquisite. PATTY:Uh, I'm cool, dude. Yeah.

PATTY: Forget this, man! Forget this! [MERCADO] ROWAN: Aldridge Mansion? Check. Seward Street subway station?Check. Well done, Rowan. But still so many more checks to go. You have been bullied your entire life. Now you will be the bully. Trust in your abilities, and the universe shall bend before your will. MANAGER: Hey, weirdo. We got a clogged toilet in 1843. It's bad. I mean, like, biblically bad. Get on it. ROWAN: Absolutely. Nothing would make me happier. MANAGER: Whatever, freak show. Just do it. ROWAN: And the universe shall bend before your will. Charge the lines. Create the vortex. Break the barrier. REAL ESTATE AGENT: I found a fantastic spot for your business. ERIN: It's more of a research lab. REAL ESTATE AGENT: What do you think? ERIN: That's it? REAL ESTATE AGENT: Let's go see your new home. HOLTZMANN: Oh, my God! Look at... ABBY: Look at it! HOLTZMANN: Look at how high! ABBY: Look at the amazing spread! HOLTZMANN: Look at the ceiling to the floor height! ERIN: On. ABBY: Look at this. Look at it. ERIN: It's perfect. HOLTZMANN: We got tons of space. ABBY: Stripper pole! ERIN: Uh, we'll take it. REAL ESTATE AGENT: Great. The rent is $21,000 a month. ERIN: Go to hell! REAL ESTATE AGENT: Excuse me? ERIN: I'm sorry. That's the rent? REAL ESTATE AGENT: Yeah. ERIN: Who can afford that? REAL ESTATE AGENT: All your friend said was that you were looking for a place to explore the unknown. ERIN: Okay, we need to explore something a lot cheaper. HOLTZMANN: There's an upstairs! REAL ESTATE AGENT: Are you offended by the smell of Chinese food?

ABBY: I have now moved above you, and you still can't help me out. How does it take you an hour to go up one flight of stairs? BENNY: I have really bad knees. ABBY: You know what? What is that? BENNY: It's our hot and sour shrimp soup. ABBY: That looks like dishwater and one shrimp, and I think it's... I hope that's a water chestnut. [] ERIN: Oh, we're dancing? Okay. Let's be safe, though. ERIN: Holtz. Holtz. Holtzmann! Fire! Fire’s over there! ERIN: Thank you. ABBY: I hate to DeBarge in. She loves that. HOLTZMANN: Is that by DeBarge? I thought it was Devo. ABBY: Anyway, I got the website up. ERIN: Oh. ABBY: I passed out a bunch of these fliers all over town, so I'm drumming us up a little business. ERIN: "If you see something, say something." ABBY: It's catchy. It's good. ERIN: I think it might be the anti-terrorism slogan. ABBY: Oh, God. It is, isn't it? ERIN: It is. I'm sorry. ABBY: Well, I guess now we know why so many people are calling about suspicious-looking bags. Dang it. ERIN: I love the green paper! ABBY: Thank you. KEVIN: Hey. Uh, I'm here about the receptionist job. ERIN: Hi. Hi. KEVIN: Hi. HOLTZMANN: Is this a big ol' robot? ERIN: What? KEVIN: The receptionist job that was in the paper. Um, that's what I was here about. ABBY: You're hired. ABBY: Okay, I... God, you're all sweaty. I think I got it. "If there's something strange in the..."[Erin pinches her]Ow. Oh! Kevin. Right? KEVIN: Kevin. Yeah. ABBY: Abby. We spoke on the phone. KEVIN: We did. Yeah. ABBY: Hello there. KEVIN: Okay. ERIN: Kevin. Oh.That's a manly name.My name's Erin. With an E, for "everything you want." ABBY: Okay. Well, we should probably... Hmm.Should probably get started. Erin? Do you want to join us? ERIN: Yes. ABBY: Erin. ERIN: I've got some questions. ABBY: Okay. Here we go. Let me just get to my notes. Um... Okay. All right, first off, I just want to say... ERIN: You know, we should probably start with a very important question that we're asking all of the applicants. Urn, you know, are you seeing anyone right now? KEVIN: Um, seeing anyone? ERIN: Yeah. Just for business purposes. ABBY: Business purposes only. KEVIN: Well, I'm seeing all three of you. In front of me. ABBY: Oh, just forget she even asked, because if she did, that would be illegal, so... KEVIN: Forgotten. ABBY: Good. KEVIN: No, I've forgotten. I don't know what you asked. ABBY: There we go. HOLTZMANN: Uh, Jillian Holtzmann, Radio Times. Uh, what have you been doing with your whole life? ERIN: Great question. KEVIN: [scratching his eyes through the eyeglass frames] Oh, well, um, lots of different jobs. Um, I did the "actor thing." Worked for... ABBY: I'm just gonna... Just real quick. Can I ask why no glass? KEVIN: Oh, uh, yeah. They just kept getting dirty, so I took them out. ABBY: That's... KEVIN: Don't have to clean them anymore. ABBY: Oh, boy. KEVIN: And I can just... ABBY: I got to try to keep that in mind. ERIN: Yeah. KEVIN: Would it be okay if I bring Mike Hat to work sometimes?He has major anxiety problems. ABBY: You know what? I would love to let your cat live here with you, but I have a pretty severe cat allergy. KEVIN: No, I don't have a cat. He's a dog. His name is Mike Hat. ABBY: Your dog's name is My Cat? KEVIN: No, Mike Hat. ERIN: Your dog's name is Mike, last name Hat? KEVIN: Well, his full name is Michael Hat. ABBY: I can't say that I'm allergic to dogs, so... KEVIN: It's all right. He lives with my mum. ERIN: Well, then we have that figured out. ABBY: Okay. That was... One down. No cat. But you know what I say, let's jump ahead, uh... Kevin dabbles in web design. And I asked him to throw together...maybe a couple of logos for us. KEVIN: Uh-huh. ABBY: You want to see them? KEVIN: Now is your moment. ABBY: Pull it out. ERIN: Oh. KEVIN: Sure. ERIN: You're like a lawsuit waiting to happen. KEVIN: Here we go. Okay, so... What do you think of that? ERIN: Oh. Yeah, you do see how this might make us look bad, right? KEVIN: Uh, is it the boobs you don't like? 'Cause I can make them bigger. ERIN: Yeah, I can definitely see them. ABBY: You know what? I think it's not always about the end result. It's about the journey. KEVIN: Well, uh, what about this one? ABBY: Oh, uh... ERIN: Uh... I think that's already a thing. KEVIN: What, 7-1-1? ABBY: It's 7-Eleven. KEVIN: Yep, it is. I have another option, though. ABBY: Okay, please. KEVIN: It's this one. That's one of my favorites. ERIN: Uh... I think you might've made a mistake. I don't think that one's for us. KEVIN: Oh, no. No, that's for you.You know, I just thought the floating hot dog implies that a ghost is holding it. ABBY: Your work is more cerebral than I expected. KEVIN:See some more? ERIN: Those are great. ABBY: Yeah. ERIN:We're actually gonna discuss everything just for a second, so if you could just stand over there, .we just need to convene for a moment. KEVIN: Okay. ABBY: Sure. All right. ERIN: Thank you. Just go right over there. Don't listen. KEVIN: [covering his eyes] I won't. ERIN: Oh. He covered his eyes. ERIN: Guys, look, as much as I would like to have him here to look at... ABBY: Um... ERIN: What? You don't find him attractive? ABBY: Kevin? Ow! God, no. Poor guy. Ow! ERIN: I don't know, guys. I don't know. ABBY: Come on, Erin. We need help around here. We cannot keep carrying that equipment up here. And I know the phones aren't ringing off the hook right now, but they will be. KEVIN: You know, an aquarium is a submarine for fish. ERIN: Listen, let's just see how the rest of the day goes. You know, talk to other people, and we will hire who is most qualified, okay? Deal? ABBY: There are no other people. He's the only applicant. HOLTZMANN: Excellent. [Kevin strikes a gong] KEVIN: God, that's loud, huh? ABBY: It's loud. ERIN: It's loud. ABBY: Kevin. You got the job. KEVIN: Hmm? ERIN: Welcome aboard. KEVIN: Cool. Can I bring my suitcases up? ERIN: Yep, you sure can. Look at him. KEVIN: Ow! ABBY: Oh, uh, ma'am? Hi, ma'am. If you're waiting for takeout, you should really wait downstairs. On! PATTY: This... The magazine was here, so, I don't know, I just thought that might be your waiting room.You know, fun fact about this place,that this building is built in the same place as the first Chinese gambling den in New York. Did you know that?I mean, it's, like, coincidence, huh?Also, um, I got chased by a ghost. ABBY: What? PATTY:You know, up above us was the old New York prison. It's the first place in New York that they electrocuted people.I'm telling you, it used to take so long that they'd just be like, "Shoot him. We using too much electricity." That's why I knew something weird was going on down here, man. [Lights flicker] PATTY: Whoa. Did you see that? - Yes. I saw that. - Did you see that? - That wasn't me. - I saw that quite a bit. PATTY: Wait, wait. Hey! Seriously? For real? 'Ey. Come on, man. Didn't I tell you? ABBY: Is he down here all the time? PATTY:Oh, he think this is his art studio. GRAFFITI ARTIST: No, no. My studio is in SoHo. This is more of a gallery. ABBY: Okay, hello there. Uh, have you seen a Class 4, semi-anchored entity anywhere in the vicinity? GRAFFITI ARTIST: You talking like a boat? Can you speak English? - I'm being specifically clear. ERIN: Let me. Let me. Hi. Have you seen a ghost down here? - Okay, that's clearer. ERIN: Yeah. GRAFFITI ARTIST: Yeah, I've seen a ghost. - You, too? Oh, yeah. ERIN: Would you be able to describe it to us? - Thank you. - But Ah, come on, man. Come on, man. No, no, no, no. Let him, let him... GRAFFITI ARTIST: I'll take a visual. - No! I can't let him. This is my job. I'm gonna get fired! - We want the visual! - No, no, this is very helpful. PATTY: This is not helpful for me. 'Ey. Look at me. Stop. Stop painting. - I'm so sorry. PATTY:I don't like this on my wall. GRAFFITI ARTIST: You don't want it here anymore? PATTY: I don't want this ghost on my wall. GRAFFITI ARTIST: No ghost. Let me fix this, then. - Well, I... GRAFFITI ARTIST: No ghosts allowed. - You know what? You know what? - Right? - Get your ass up out of here. - Come on. Bye. Patty! - I love you. PATTY: Man! This ain't art! And y'all encouraging him. Come on! Come on! HOLTZMANN: Am I on crack, or is that a good logo? Guys, I cannot do it by myself. This equipment is untested and highly unstable. PATTY: All right, ladies, we got a limited window for when the next train arrives, I'm telling you. And don't touch the third rail unless y'all little dainty ass can handle 750 volts.

ERIN: Oh, come on. PATTY: You know what? I should've gave you some coveralls, man. It's so unsanitary down here. ABBY:You know, you don't usually think about the amount of urine smell. PATTY: That's pretty much how it's gonna be. It's not gonna freshen up at all. ABBY: Oh, boy. Okay. Definitely got something over here. Look at... Is that... What is that, a burn? PATTY: That's where I saw that weird sparking thing. HOLTZMANN: What was it? PATTY: Baby, if I knew what it was, I wouldn't say "a weird sparking thing." ERIN: It looks like fission scorch. ABBY: What? Fission scorch down here? Except that you're right. ABBY: What is... Wait, I'm smelling both electrical discharge...and isotopic decay. - Isotopic decay. How is that... Holtzmann? HOLTZMANN: Yeah. What? ABBY:Come here. I need your snoot on this. Am I nuts? PATTY: 'Ey, 'ey, ladies. While y'all over there making out with that dirty piece of garbage, we only got a couple of minutes. HOLTZMANN: Do you see that? The eyes. - All right, Holtzmann. Now is not the time to be messing with... HOLTZMANN: No. Oh, cream and sugar. Hey, Patty, can I get some illumination on this subject? PATTY: Yeah, I can put some light on that. 'Oh, boy! ERIN: "Oh! That is more and more unsettling. PATTY: That's the dude I saw! I'm telling you, that's him! We got another Class 4, and this one's even more ionized than the one at the Aldridge Mansion. ERIN: Where are these ghosts coming from? You know what? I got to get this thing on film. - Holtzmann? HOLTZMANN: Yup. - Power us up. HOLTZMANN: Okay. 'Cause we are taking this pretty boy back to the lab. HOLTZMANN: This is a little rough. It's in its early stages. Got to be honest. Just gonna plug these things in here. Okay, Erin, come here. ABBY: Let me document this. - Grab it, grab it. - Wait. HOLTZMANN: That's gonna shoot a proton stream at that ghost, okay? So whenever I say, "Go," you just do that. ERIN: Uh, why am I operating the untested nuclear laser? HOLTZMANN: You have the longest arms. ERIN: Oh. PATTY: You guys might want to hurry up. HOLTZMANN: Oh, my God. I forgot the most important part. Yeah. Sorry. Erin, this is just a little bit of grounding so you don't die immediately. Do you know your iron level? ERIN: Mmm-mmm. HOLTZMANN: It's fine. PATTY: You have done this before, right? Okay, Erin, on my cue. Aim the barrel at him. HOLTZMANN: Ready, aim, fire! Oh! Oh, wah-wah. ERIN: Okay, this is a little underwhelming. Can we get more power? HOLTZMANN: And once again, fire! ERIN: This isn't working! - Wow! ERIN Can this beam get any stronger? Well, not at the moment. Ah. PATTY: That's the train! We got to move! ABBY: Just try to lure him back to the platform! Grab her! - Come on! - Move, move, move! Come on, move! ERIN: Hurry! PATTY: That's the express train! And it's not stopping! It's coming! Get her up! Oh, not the collar! PATTY: Well, I guess he going to Queens. He's gonna be the third scariest thing on that train. ABBY: God, did you see that? Oh, you can't see anything. My God! I mean, that power surge really held him. HOLTZMANN: Wow! We need more juice.We need to be more mobile. I know what to do. - Yes. - I almost got killed. HOLTZMANN: Yeah, I know. It was so awesome. It was awesome.

ERIN: Everyone thinks this video is fake.Look at these comments.We have to bring a ghost back to this lab and document it, you guys. I mean, this stuff is real. We have to be able to prove it. ABBY: We will. And you shouldn't be reading this stuff. You're not supposed to listen to what crazy people write in the middle of the night online. Look at... "Bogus equipment"? You know what? [typing] I'd love you to meet me any place, any time. ERIN: No, no, no, let's... You're right. We should... KEVIN: Here is your coffee, Abby. ABBY: Thank you. Did you get sugar in it this time? KEVIN: Uh... [spits] I hate coffee. Yeah, the sugar's in there. ABBY: Sugar's in it. ERIN:I'll take it. Don't want to waste a cup of coffee. ABBY: Can we just pretend that didn't happen, please? ERIN: All right, well, what do you think? ABBY: L... [taking the coffee cup] You know what? I just can't watch that. I'm not sure. I mean, it's just a lot of bits and pieces. I'm pretty sure none of it is supposed to be in the subway, though. ERIN: It's like it was part of a miniature cyclotron. HOLTZMANN: And they used a chromium alloy for the hull. Huh-huh. I would've used aluminum, but I'm crazy. ERIN: What's that weird thing that guy said to the lady from the subway? ABBY: Um... Oh, I know what you're talking about. PATTY: Fourth Cataclysm. Yeah. ERIN: Oh. Hi. PATTY: Fourth Cataclysm. That sound like a franchise nobody ever wanted. KEVIN: Oh, yeah, you guys, you have a visitor. Um, she's here to see you in the booth. Booth number one. With the earrings. ABBY: Yeah. ERIN: Yeah. We see her now. ABBY: Thanks. KEVIN: No worries. PATTY: I'm joining the club. ERIN: Um... Well, it's not really a... I'm sorry. Kevin. Hi, can you answer the phone, please? KEVIN: I can't. It's in the fish tank. ERIN: Uh,no. The one on the desk that's ringing. That one. KEVIN: Oh, that one. ERIN: Yep. ABBY: Oh, my God. KEVIN: What's this place called again? ERIN: Conductors of the Metaphysical Examination. Talk. KEVIN: Got it. Uh, Conductors of Metamucils and Stuff. Whee, oh, slow down. I... What... ABBY: They hung up? KEVIN: No, I was just not into that conversation. ABBY: Kevin, I'm really gonna need you to try a little harder. Okay, buddy? KEVIN: Well, if they call back, I will. I got to take off, though. I'm in a hide-and-seek tournament, and we are in the semis. ABBY: Uh, Kevin, I'm gonna need you to pick up all those suitcases. KEVIN: Ouch. ABBY: Oh! ERIN: Eh, did you hurt your face? PATTY: Hey, did y'all hire that big dumb dude? ERIN: Bye! PATTY: Man, I got a cousin Mookie. He is half as stupid, and he will work for Vienna sausages. ERIN: The thing is, this isn't really a club. It's a scientific research group. PATTY: And I understand that, but let me tell you something. I read a lot of nonfiction, and you guys know a lot about this science stuff, but I know New York.And check this out! I can borrow a car from my uncle, and y'all won't have to lug all this heavy equipment around. HOLTZMANN: Oh, guys, we got to get a car. PATTY: Come on, baby.You need me. You need Patty. Patty come with benefits. You need me. Stop playing like you don't. ABBY: You're in. PATTY: Ha! ERIN: Oh, yeah. PATTY: You get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car! ABBY: Uh, you didn't disclose that the vehicle was gonna be a hearse. PATTY: I'm sorry. My uncle owns a funeral home, not a Enterprise Rent-A-Car. ERIN: Hope you checked to see there wasn't a body in the back. PATTY: Uh, I don't think so. I don't really know. ABBY: You didn't check? PATTY: I mean, I was in a hurry. I checked to see if we had gas. That was more important. ABBY: So there is a body? PATTY: Let Holtzmann check. She likes that type of stuff. HOLTZMANN: Yeah, I can think of seven good uses of a cadaver today. PATTY: No, Dr. Frankenstein, we got to turn in the body if there's one in there. HOLTZMANN: All right. PATTY: Don't do that. HOLTZMANN: Based on the results of the subway field test... The one where you were almost killed, remember? ERIN: I remember. HOLTZMANN: I added a booster using microfabricated radio-frequency quadrupoles to speed up particles before entering the DLA device, portable, wearable for maximum flexibility. ERIN: Wow. ABBY:Then we add the reversible psychokinetic energy sink plus Holtzy's hollow beam to this baby, and voilá. We got a ghost in there. - Whoo! - Slap me. - Okay. ABBY: I will slap you as... ERIN: I just want to say what an exciting moment this is. Holtzmann, I am beyond impressed. PATTY: Abby, is that comfortable? ABBY: It's a lot heavier than I expected, and I'm pretty sure it's compacting my spinal column, but... HOLTZMANN: So you're gonna want to plant your feet firm. ABBY:- Okay. HOLTZMANN:Bend your knees to compensate for the extra kickback. ABBY: All right. Turning the machine on. Whoo! ABBY:Boy, she's got an impressive purr. HOLTZMANN: All right, so, that’s the target right over there. ABBY: Okay. HOLTZMANN:Just put your thumb on that red trigger button there. ABBY: Yeah. HOLTZMANN: And go to town. ABBY: Okay. And here we go! ABBY: Whoa! Oh! Oh! PATTY: I guess she's not bending her knees enough, right? ABBY: Whoo! HOLTZMANN:She's doing a marvelous impression of a deflating balloon. We just got to let her ride it out until she's out of juice. ABBY: She's corkscrewing me! HOLTZMANN:Abby, I'll make some adjustments. ABBY: It's like fighting a gator! PATTY: So, how did the two of you guys meet? ERIN: Uh, Abby transferred to my high school, junior year. ABBY: Go, Karate Cats. We started telling ghost stories, and we just kind of bonded right away. And all the other kids were, you know, getting drunk and going to parties, and we're like, "Uh, that's stupid." ERIN: Plus, we weren't invited to any parties. ABBY: No, I think that's because we told very, very scary ghost stories, and I think the other kids were terrified of us. That's what was actually happening. PATTY: So, how did y'all get into ghosts? Did one of you see one? ERIN: Yeah, I did. HOLTZMANN: Really? ERIN: When I was eight years old, the mean old lady that lived next door died. And that night, I woke up and she was standing at the foot of my bed, just staring at me. She did that every night for almost a year. PATTY: What? [Holtzmann gasps] ERIN: And I told my parents, and they didn't believe me. Still don't believe me. I had to go to therapy for years, and the kids at school found out, and they would laugh at me and make fun of me, call me "ghost girl." Abby was the only person who believed me. PATTY: Kids is mean, man. But I believe you. ERIN: Thanks. HOLTZMANN I have some questions. PATTY: Seriously? [Holtzmann winks and smiles]

ROWAN: Hello. Looking forward to this metal show. Hi. METALHEAD: Ozzy rocks! [high-fives Rowan] Whoo! ROWAN: Yeah! It's... He certainly does rock. This world cannot be cleansed fast enough. Hi. Enjoy the show. [does the horns gesture ] Rock and roll.

ANCHOR: A local team of paranormal investigators released a video of a proclaimed ghost. You can see clearly there's something in the picture that isn't easily explained. PATTY: Oh, my God! They're showing the video! We famous! We famous. ANCHOR: As a result, there are a lot of questions being asked now about the people who shot the video. So, what do we think of these Ghostbusters? Are they to be taken seriously? And... ERIN: "Ghostbusters"? That is not our name. They can't just make up a name and just call us... ANCHOR: I spoke with Martin Heiss earlier. - He's with the Council for Logic and Data. - Okay. - Martin Heiss. Okay, okay. - Okay. ANCHOR: He is a famed debunker of the paranormal. Dr. Heiss, you're a highly regarded scientific authority. Your credentials are impeccable. HEISS: Thank you, Pat. ANCHOR: If you see something of true scientific interest in this video, that goes a long way to legitimize these Ghostbusters and everything they stand for. HEISS:A game changer, yes. ANCHOR: So, tell me, Dr. Heiss, is this for real? HEISS: Hell no. [laughs] PATTY: So, now we're the ghost girls. I feel your pain, Erin. ERIN:No. You know what? Screw that. We are scientists. Plus Patty. PATTY: Thank you. ERIN: Okay, we believe in provable, physical results. [phone starts ringing] That's what we believe in. ABBY: Yes, we do! PATTY: Preach. ERIN: I will preach. You know what we're gonna do, ladies? We're gonna catch a ghost, we're gonna bring... God. We're gonna catch a ghost, bring it back to the lab... ERIN: Kevin? KEVIN: Yes, boss? ERIN: Can you answer the phone that's ringing, please? ABBY:- Buddy. KEVIN: Yes, I can, boss. Uh, Ghostbusters. ERIN: "Conductors of the Metaphysical..." KEVIN: Okay. Cool. See ya. Hey, guys, which one of these makes me look more like a doctor? Me playing saxophone or me listening to saxophone? ABBY AND ERIN: Who was on the phone? KEVIN: Uh, the Stonebrook Theatre? There's a goat on the loose. HOLTZMANN: I'm gonna load up the car. ABBY: Whoa. ERIN: Okay, okay, okay! PATTY: Yo, yo, I got something for us, too! Hey, hey, hey, you guys, I got these from work. I'm making it official, man. You put one of these on, you won't get slimed again. - That's great. - Yeah, we'll put them on in the car. ABBY: Hey! Look at this beauty! Whoo! PATTY: Wait a minute. What did you do to my uncle's hearse? HOLTZMANN: I fixed it. PATTY: Man, this is so inappropriate for this vehicle. HOLTZMANN: Oh, we have fun.

ERIN: Let's go. ABBY: Let's go... ERIN\ABBY: Oh. ERIN: Did you want to... ABBY: I'm sorry. I'll let you. I'll let you. ERIN: Next time. MANAGER: Are you the Ghostbusters? ERIN: Actually, we're the Conductors of the Metaphysical... ABBY: We're... Yes. We're the Ghostbusters. [Man is being carried in a stretcher, speaking in a foreign language.] ERIN: "There's a chicken frying itself in the library." That is strange. PATTY: That is not what he said. MANAGER: Please, follow me. Right away. Please, all of you. Fernando was down here when something crawled out of a wall vent, and... I heard him screaming, so I went to check, and that's when the "thing" was tossing Fernando all around the room.I thought it was gonna kill him. I shrieked when I saw it. I... I guess I scared it, because I'm told that I have a very disturbing scream. PATTY: I could see that. MANAGER: Anyway, if you could just mosey around, you'll probably bump into it. Kay. girls? ABBY: All right. Well, we know it's down here somewhere. Let's split up, and if you see anything, get on the walkie. ERIN: Roger. ERIN: Holtzmann! Come on! HOLTZMANN: It's the hat, it's too much, right? Is it the wig or the hat?All right, come on. [Abby finds another cyclotron] ABBY: Guys, I think I got another one of those devices. PATTY: I just thought this was gonna be like a book club. Play some Stevie Nicks albums, you know? 'Cause I'm telling you right now, if I see two twins from The Shining, I'm gonna pass out. [Patty enters a room filled with mannequins] PATTY: Okay, yep-Room full of nightmares. Not going in there. I don't understand how I get wrapped up in this stuff. I had a good job at the MTA. Was it perfect? No, of course it wasn't perfect. But I tell you what, everybody was alive. [turns around and sees a mannequin right behind her] Was that there before? Please do not answer. [the mannequin starts chasing her] I said, don't answer! PATTY: Okay... Oh! HOLTZMANN: Hi. ABBY: It's a full paranormal transferal embodiment. Erin, all of our theories on spectral possession are true. ERIN: There's a ghost in that thing, and I want it. Let's light 'em up! Whoa... ERIN: Run! We're gonna lose it! Come on! - I love your fire! - Oh, man. Ugh! ERIN: Upstairs! Go, go, go! Come on! SOUND GUY: That's not mine! ERIN: I think those machines are making them stronger! That thing is super ionized! ABBY: And super not-benign! PATTY: This music is so terrible, it's making him more angry. Play something gentle! SINGER: Behold the power of the undead! We have summoned Satan himself! For we are the kings of all... ERIN: Let's do this! ABBY: Go, go. MANAGER: This auditorium is Art Deco, you idiots! Aim for the ghost! [a piece of a pillar is broken, the manager screams like a little girl] ABBY: Hey, Patty, you take that aisle. I'll take the far one. PATTY: Okay, I need y'all to get out the way! We need to get up those aisles! ABBY: All right, move, people! I need to get down that aisle! If you're not gonna move, you're gonna become part of this operation! All right, heads up! [jumps] Come on! Move me left! Oh! Ooh! Watch the rings. Watch the rings. PATTY: Okay, you sweaty freaks. I'm 'bout to save you from this ghost! ERIN: Ooh. PATTY: Okay, so I don't know if it was a race thing or a lady thing, but I'm mad as hell. Pick me up! ABBY: All right, put me down! Put me down! Down, down, thank you. [Everyone notices the ghost is perched on Patty's shoulders] ABBY: Okay, Patty, stay still! ERIN: You have sort of a... PATTY: Okay, I just...I don't need you to tell me anything right now. ERIN: No, no, no... You got a... PATTY: Nope. I really need you not to tell me anything right now. HOLTZMANN: But, Patty, there... PATTY: Hey. I'm tired. ERIN: No, no, no... Listen... PATTY: I'm just gonna go ahead and take off, how about that? ERIN: No,no,no, I don't really think that's a good idea. PATTY: Going to take off... - Come on, Patty. Patty! PATTY: And I don't want to piss off the ghost. Moving, going back to my booth at the MTA, so let me know if you need some MetroCards. - Do it, do it, do it. - 'Cause I am... [as Patty slowly walks out of the crowd, a crowd member takes a selfie with Patty and the ghost] PATTY: Really? ERIN: All right, ladies, light 'em up! Patty, stay still. Just don't hit Patty anywhere important. - What? ABBY: Nothing! Oh, you gonna get it now! - What! ABBY: Holtz, open that trap! HOLTZMANN'. Okay. And I'm gonna open it on three.


- Ready? Sweetie! Two... - Open the box! HOLTZMANN: And one. Okay! HOLTZMANN: Erin, doing great. Abby, doing great. Patty, try a little harder, okay? PATTY: Get in the box, you hellion! ABBY: Come on, we got you! Come on. ABBY: Whew! PATTY: Excuse me, gotta get... Excuse me, excuse me. I got a ghost to get. Thank you. ERIN: Did we just catch a ghost? HOLTZMANN: Oh, yeah, yeah. We put a ghost in a box! SINGER: You want some more, you want some more? Yes! What you're looking for You want some more... Right in there! We are the Beasts of Mayhem! Huh! [Holtzmann smashes a guitar on stage and hands it back to its owner] HOLTZMANN: Sorry, can't buy you another one. ABBY: Yeah! OZZY OSBOURNE: Sharon! I think I’m having another flashback! Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! - My gosh. - Thanks so much. Why are there ghosts in New York? HOLTZMANN: We made magic today, and that's all I got to say. I'm Holtzmann. Where are these ghosts coming from? Are there any more ghosts inside the theater? ABBY: I think we took it out. Listen, we're scientists. We're here for the unanswerable questions and, really, to pursue truth. ERIN: We're the Ghostbusters! CROWD: Yeah! WAITER: Nope. I had him yesterday. WAITER #2: So? WAITER: So, it's your turn. WAITER #2: Weirdo city. ROWAN: Charge the lines. Create the vortex. Break the barrier. Enjoy your fun, Ghostbusters. For soon, you shall bow down before me.

[Up in Here] ERIN: ThereCome on, Kevin. Let's go. Uh-oh, Kev. Go, Kev. Go, Kev. Go, Kev. Go, Kev. - Ah. - Uh-oh, Kev. Stop, Kev. - Watch it! PATTY: Stop, Kev. - Watch it. - Stop it, Kevin. ERIN: This is so good. We have to celebrate. - Come on! This is what... - You're right, you're right. - Yep. - ...legit feels like. - Right here. This. - Yep. Oh, my God. You have to stop kissing this. ERIN: That... It just makes me feel so warm and tingly inside. ABBY: That's probably the radiation. HOLTZMANN:Hey, guys, I got some pretty cool stuff cooking up over here, if you want to just turn your head. I got some newly printed circuit boards, and I rebuilt the superconducting magnets. I improved beam accuracy by adding a plasma shield to the RF discharge chamber. I have cryocooler to reduce helium boil-off, and to top it all off, we got a freakin' Faraday cage to attenuate RF noise and avoid quenching. ERIN: Nice! ABBY: All right! KEVIN: There's a Smartin Christ here to see you. ERIN: Smartin Christ? Wait, are you saying "Martin Heiss"? - Doctor... ERIN: No. No. Dr. Martin Heiss, the famed scientist and paranormal debunker? He's in this building right now? KEVIN: Yeah, that guy. ABBY: Okay, you tell him that we're not here. - Wait, what? What? ABBY: I don't want to talk to him. KEVIN: They're not here. On... ERIN: Dr. Heiss, hello. Welcome. Dr. Erin Gilbert. HEISS: Is this a good time, Doctor, or is this dinner rush? ABBY: Why don't you call and make an appointment? ERIN: It's actually a perfect time. We were just doing some experiments over here. Ah. ERIN: Yes, please, have a seat. HEISS: Let's start light and easy. Why are you pretending to catch ghosts? ERIN: You know, it's really easy to just sit there and be the naysayer, when you don't actually do anything. You know that we only comprehend about 4% of the universe. 4%! Across the board! It's four! ERIN: Abby, Abby... We all believe in the scientific method. I've dedicated my life to it. And we have actually done it. Today, at 4:32 p.m., we successfully trapped a Class 3 vapor. HEISS: You're telling me there is a ghost inside that thermos? In that can? [touches with his cane] ABBY: Don't touch it. Don't touch it. HOLTZMANN: Booyah. Emphasis on the "boo." HEISS: Well, I would love to see that. I really would. ABBY: Shoot. You know what? You're not gonna get that treat today. We're still assessing what type of containment method we're gonna use. We're testing the lab... In the... So, till we figure out how to best keep the entity, that's not gonna happen. HEISS: How's that for my timing? I come. You've caught a ghost. I can't see it. ERIN:Look, I know it probably sounds like we're making this up. HEISS: Yeah. ERIN: It sounds crazy, and we probably don't really look like legitimate scientists. HEISS: No, you only lack the proper equipment, like a garbage truck to hang on to the back of. ABBY: Said the guy with the walking stick and the floppy hat. HEISS: It was my mother's. KEVIN: Yeah, that is an awesome hat. PATTY: All right, man. Thanks for stopping by. HEISS: Well, I guess the graciousness has run out. ERIN: You want to see it? HEISS: I would love to see it. ABBY: Well, he can't see it. ERIN: I'm going to show it to you, then. How about that? Gear up, you guys. - No, you're not. Don't. Excuse me. Why are you doing this? Because he doesn't believe us. ABBY: Erin. Come on, we have finally succeeded at doing the thing that we have talked about since we were little kids. And you want to risk it all, what, for him? Who cares if you impress him? HEISS: Oh, golly, you two are something. ERIN: You're right. I'm sorry. - I don't... ABBY: Okay. - I don't know what I was thinking. - All right. It's okay. HEISS: Attagirl! ERIN: Sorry. I did it. I'm sorry. - My God! - I know! HEISS: Casper? PATTY: Aw, man! KEVIN: Hey, that man went out the wrong door. PATTY: Oh, my God.

COP: Who threw him out the window? ABBY: A ghost threw him out the window. COP: Oh, you mean like Patrick Swayze? Like, he's sitting behind you, making some pottery? ABBY: Yeah. Like Patrick Swayze. That's it. Then we were all dancing at a summer camp in the Catskills. And then we sat down, and he was behind me, and we made a vase. Oh, you're combining the two... ABBY: I combined a couple of Swayze movies. - Yeah. ABBY: Oh, you know what was a good one? Road House. ERIN: I loved Road House. ABBY: Point Break. - He was a... ERIN: Oh, Point Break. Come on. At the end with the big wave? ABBY: He was a ghost in that, too! Well, you don't know if he dies at the end. He doesn't die. He doesn't die. They don't say he dies.

Well, now what?

- Who are you guys? - Official business. We'll take it from here. Thank you. - What? - You need to come with us. - What? - Why? The mayor needs a word, ladies.

Mayor. MAYOR: Hey! There you are.Welcome. Sorry for the mess and for the drama. Please, come sit down. Take that one.Good. That's right. And, you, that's a good one for you. And take the end seat. Good. [Holtzmann flops in the chair] That's not so good. No feet on the table, please. ERIN: Um, sir, we don't have a lot of time. And we're not frauds. - No. - We are legitimate scientists. MAYOR: Let me interrupt you. We know you're not frauds, because we have been monitoring this situation quite closely. LYNCH: Agents Hawkins and Rorke are with Homeland Security. So we've been investigating this extremely quietly. - Okay. MAYOR: So, what do you know? ERIN: Um, we believe that someone is creating a device that attracts and amplifies paranormal activity. ABBY: And that activity can be escalating now and giving us an even larger scale event. MAYOR: "Larger scale." Well, that sounds terrible. HOLTZMANN: Poof! MAYOR: Okay, well, you've been doing great work. Well done. We really appreciate it, but it's time to knock it off. - What? MAYOR: Knock it off. ABBY: No, I heard you and I see the hand gesture. What does... MAYOR: These gentlemen are on it. Let the government do their work. LYNCH:We're just worried that you all are drawing a lot of attention... MAYOR: Exactly. LYNCH: yourselves. HOLTZMANN: What? ERIN: Patty does wear big earrings. ABBY: Patty. PATTY: Well, if it's a crime to look good, guilty as charged. ERIN: Other than that, I feel like we keep a very low profile. HAWKINS: You drive a hearse with a ghost on it, and you use a distinctly un-American-sounding siren. ERIN: We do. HAWKINS: Do you have any idea how many federal regulations you're breaking on a daily basis? HOLTZMANN: One? RORKE: No. HOLTZMANN: Two? RORKE: No. HOLTZMANN: Is it one? RORKE: Just sit quietly. Here's the essence of the deal. We are gonna have to make the public believe that you are frauds. ERIN: What? Wait. Why? - What? LYNCH: The human brain, you know, it can only handle so much. If everybody knew what was going on, you know, there'd be a panic. So, we need to get the information out there that the incident at the concert was a hoax. 'Cause, otherwise, there'd be mass hysteria. ABBY: Uh, we don't want mass hysteria either. Our main concern is that we're allowed to continue our work. ERIN Yes, that is very important. ABBY: Very important. ERIN: But my concern is, I feel like the cat is sort of already kind of out of the bag. ABBY: I think what they're saying is the cat is out of the bag. They want us to put the cat back inside the bag. ERIN: No, I know that's what they're saying. But I'm saying the cat's already out. - I know. I know it's out. ERIN: So it's hard to put the cat back in. - It's not impossible. - But that's why they have that saying. ABBY: It's a nonsense saying. ERIN: If the cat is outta the bag, you can't put it back in! ABBY:I put a cat in a bag all the time. ERIN:But once the cat is out of the bag, aren't you like, "Ooh! The cat is out of the bag!" LYNCH: We just want to shove that damn cat back in the bag. RORKE: The cat has been out of the bag before, and yet, people lose interest and put it back in. LYNCH:People always move on. RORKE: Sheriff in New Mexico reports a UFO encounter.The crew of the SS Ourang Medan dies mysteriously.The entire town of Langville, Montana,goes missing. HOLTZMANN: It does? ABBY: Okay, but he... We're talking about relocating. No one's being killed here, right? MAYOR: They were turned inside out. ERIN:Their skin is on the inside of their body? MAYOR: Their skin is on the inside of their body because their organs are on the outside. ABBY: But they're okay, right? MAYOR: Sure. HOLTZMANN: I think they're dead. MAYOR: On that horrifying note, thank you all so much for coming. ABBY: Now, the mayor said we could continue our work, and so we shall. We got to be prepared. HOLTZMANN: That's why I've made a table of treats. Erin, you've had a hard day. Step right up.Pick a gun, any gun. HOLTZMANN: No! I'm sorry, not that gun. That one's not ready. It's yours when it is. Here, in the meantime... This. ERIN: Wow! What does it do? HOLTZMANN: It's a Swiss Army knife. No woman should walk around unarmed. ERIN: I know what it does. HOLTZMANN: Also, here, why don't you take this. ERIN: Yeah? HOLTZMANN: Give that a toss. That's gonna send up a little poof. It's only dangerous to ghosts. ERIN: All right. ERIN: Okay. Oh, nice! - Ooh! - Ohl HOLTZMANN: Yeah, my mistake. It was a medium poof. HOLTZMANN: This puppy I like to call a Ghost Chipper. Hollow-laser technology, sucks in the ghost and neutralizes it. Step up to bat and do what you're gonna do. PATTY: You truly scare me. I just want to let you know that. ABBY: I'm gonna just... - Oh... ERIN: Come on! ABBY: Oh, it's like Mardi Gras in there. HOLTZMANN: It's a proton glove. It's gonna maximize flexibility during hand-to-specter combat. Just give it a punch, it's motion-activated. ABBY: Ha-ha! ABBY: Okay. That...was awesome! No, that is a deadly high five. - No. - No. HOLTZMANN: Hey, ladies, I'd call this a successful test. LYNCH: It's fraudulent and unsafe, frankly. You know, these Ghostbusters are creating an unnecessary panic in a sad grab for fame. People can rest assured that these women are fake. Well, it's official. We're all ghost girls now. All right, I would like to remind everybody here that in a very short amount of time, we have seen multiple Class 4 malevolent apparitions. - Yeah. - We did. Who cares what anybody else is saying about us? We know what we're doing. I mean, all morning, I've been reading about this stuff. There's sightings all over the city. "Wailing spirit sighted at 6th and 26th." Another one, "Spectral polar bear on 63rd and 5th." Then there was that weeping wall in the thrift store at Chelsea. - Wait. Did you say 6th and 26th? - Yeah. "Wailing spirits, 6th and 26th." 6th and 26th. 6th and 26th. Okay. 6th and 26th. Um, Aldridge Mansion. Um, Upper West Side. Yes? 70... 72nd. Um, where did we find the first device? - Uh, at the subway, right here. - Okay. Theater. Downtown. Downtown. - Downtown? - Yes, yes. In here. Okay, what was the other address you said? Polar bear on 63rd and 5th Avenue. And the one in Chelsea? - Uh... Chelsea is at 10th Avenue and 18th. -18th. 10th and 18th. Uh. ERIN: What do those look like to you? KEVIN: Oh, It's an X touching other little "X's." - Ley lines. - Ley lines. PATTY: What's "ley lines"? ABBY: It's a hidden network of energy lines that run across the Earth. It's a current of supernatural energy. ERIN: Supposedly, if you look at sacred sites and weird events all over the world, and connect them with lines where they intersect, it's an unusually powerful spot. Abby and I just dismissed this theory because it just seemed too random to have any merit. HOLTZMANN: Dismiss this. ABBY: Okay. That looks like it's got some merit. ERIN: He's using the devices to charge the ley lines. He's creating a vortex. ABBY: A vortex. Oh, boy. ABBY: Okay, if he gets one of his machines in there and it's big enough, he's gonna be able to rip a hole right through that barrier. HOLTZMANN: Letting whatever's on this plane come crashing down on this plane. ABBY: Okay, I'm calling this in. ERIN: Okay, um, that intersection right there between 7th and 8th. What is there now? The Mercado. Mercado. It's Spanish for "table." PATTY: The Mercado? That actually makes sense. ABBY: Okay, yes, I'm looking for Agents Hawkins and Rorke. PATTY: The Mercado has one of the weirdest histories of the buildings in New York. HOLTZMANN: Okay, so it's your standard-issue haunted building. PATTY: No. This is even before it was a building. All sorts of massacres happened at that spot. Like the peaceful trade between the Lenape Indians and Captain Warren. Then, all of a sudden, everybody dies. [seeing the picture of the Mercado staff] Oh, my God, you guys. This is the dude that was at the subway that was talking about the cataclysms! This is him! ERIN: Oh. It's always the sad, pale ones. ABBY: Okay, ladies, let's gear up and hit that Mercado. ABBY: Who's in the mood to save New York City? ALL: WHOO! CLERK: And did you try adjusting the thermostat before placing this call? Well, I'm terribly sorry that you have a draft in your room. Why don't you hold while I connect you to someone who might care. ERIN: Hi. Excuse me. CLERK: Hold on.What do you want? ABBY: Where's your janitor? CLERK: Oh, that nut-job! What has he done...I don't want to know. Just take the stairs down and get him out. ABBY: Hey, stop right there! Shut it down! ROWAN: Ah. The Ghostbusters. ABBY: Look, I think it's great you found yourself a little hobby, and I'm sure, on paper,flooding New York City with ghosts seemed like a great idea, but we happen to like the world the way it is. ROWAN: Then you must've been afforded the basic dignity and respect of a human being,which I have been denied. ABBY: Not really. People dump on us pretty much all the time. ROWAN: I am a genius.I see things that no one else does. And for it, I am rewarded with nothing but scorn and mockery. Luckily, I am not the only one seeking revenge. Behind these are millions of souls,souls which have been cast aside. Souls who see the world as it truly is, as garbage. Garbage that needs to be cleaned up. They're mostly dudes.When these barriers are destroyed, an army of the undead will return to pester the living. ERIN: "Pester the living" doesn't sound so bad. ROWAN: They will return to pester the living with unspeakable pain and torment. Children will be pestered limb from limb in front of their own parents. The parents will be pestered in half and pestered in half again. And pestered into the ground until their bloody, pulpy bodies are nothing but meat. ERIN:That's a different, uh, definition of "pester" than what I was thinking. HOLTZMANN: I think the word we're looking for is apocalypse. Apocalypse. ROWAN: Well, let's get these barriers destroyed, shall we? ABBY: Uh, uh, uh, uh, wait, wait, wait! Rowan. I get it. You don't like people.People can be terrible.The thing is, though, there's so many terrific things out there. I mean, wonderful things that are worth living for. I mean, you got soup, and, you know, that first... You know when... Oh, God. I can only think of soup. Anybody? Somebody? Patty? PATTY: Salad. ABBY: Salad. ABBY: Whoa, whoa!No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!Okay, stop what you're doing. The police are already on their way. It's over. You're going to jail, Rowan. ROWAN: Well, in that case, bye. HOLTZMANN: That's a weird move. PATTY: Oh, he dead. That's a dead man. ABBY: See if you can shut that thing down. - Come on! ERIN: Holtz? Holtz, are we good? HOLTZMANN: Uh... Well, he's not, but, yeah, we're okay. ERIN: Okay. Well, that's over. ABBY: Okay, we're down here! Down here! HOLTZMANN:You hate to see the smart ones go bad. PATTY: Man, it smells like burned bologna and regrets down here. Like, um, the dude that worked here, he, like, dressed, like, in a Captain Kirk-type outfit. - What's up? - He was, like, standing over here... ABBY: I don't know. It's strange. You know, his technology's not that different from ours. It's basically, like, we're both using the same science. - That is strange. HOLTZMANN: I think I know why. Look what Mr. Cuckoo Pants has been reading at the beach. No. ERIN: Oh, my God. ABBY: I told you that there would be people out there that loved our work. ERIN: Why am I so flattered that that weird little sociopath bought our book? LYNCH: Oh, thank you for everything you did. You saved us all. The mayor thanks you, of course. Privately, so don't tell anyone. Um... Can I walk you out? Well, why don't you all go get some rest? These gentlemen here will get you out of here. Okay? - Oh, thank you. That's very nice. - All right. - Thanks for all you've done, ladies. - Thank you very much. LYNCH: I just have to say a couple things to the press. You know how that goes. So we just are gonna fake-arrest you now. Oh, and we towed your car. Real-tow, not fake-tow. Ms. Lynch! What's that? - REPORTER 21 Ms. Lynch! - What? Wait, Why? Ow! - Excuse me! - Stop resisting. I'm not. I'm walking with you. - ls New York in trouble? LYNCH: Everything is fine. It was just another publicity stunt by these incredibly sad and lonely women. It's like they read Eat, Pray, Love and just ran with it. Put the lights out.

[the PKE meter spins around] [in a hotel, Erin reads Rowan’s copy of the book.] ABBY: Did you guys lose your keys?What did I tell you? Pin it to your bra strap. That's where mine is, and it... [opens the door, empty. g] ABBY: Who's out there? Holtzmann, I swear to God, I... [] ROWAN: Hello, Abby. KEVIN: [answering machine]Ghostbusters. What do you want? ERIN: Hello? Guys, it's me. Are you there? Please pick up if you're there. Call me as soon as you get this. I think when Rowan killed himself, it was just the next step in his plan. REPORTER: The mayor's itinerary has been set. Mayor Bradley is meeting with the diplomats at Lotus Leaf this very moment. ERIN: Lotus Leaf. PATTY: Abby! We got you a sandwich so you don't be picking off of ours, man. You need some food. Your moods have been real bad, yo. Come on now. HOLTZMANN: Abby? You in there? Everything okay? “Abby, come and get your sandwich Come and get your sandwich, please” You want your little sandwich? Abby... ABBY: Hello, Jillian. HOLTZMANN: Hello, Abby. Are you okay? ABBY: I'm quite well. That's good. HOLTZMANN: You found my pipe. I got it at the dumpster yesterday. I'm gonna use it to make a proton shotgun. Pretty cool, right? If it doesn't work, we can just swing it around and break stuff, so it's kind of a win-win. HOLTZMANN: What? What are you doing? Not my babies! Hey! - Wait a minute! - No! PATTY: Man, are y'all playing? 'Cause this ain't funny, man. Yo! For real! See, Abby, I told you to have that sandwich, man. Low blood sugar is serious! ROWAN: Hello, Patricia. PATTY: What? Abby! What the... ROWAN: Look at the view. This is fun, right? Good-bye. PATTY: I got you, baby! I got you! - Oh, my God, help me. “ABBY”: Hi, Patty. PATTY: Hell no! The Devil is a liar! ABBY:Boo. {SCREAMS) PATTY: Hellion, begone! HOLTZMANN: Oh, shit. Oh, no! PATTY: Holtzy! Got you, Holtzy! No! PATTY: Get out of my friend, ghost! [slaps, Rowan’s ghost gets out] ABBY: Ow! Ow! That's gonna leave a mark! PATTY: The power of Patty compels you! ABBY: Ow! PATTY: Is that you, Abby? Where did he go? KEVIN: Hey, guys, check it out! Hey, listen. I figured you're gonna need my help, so I borrowed all this stuff. If you could just chuck me down my own proton pack, that'd be great. ABBY: Kevin, come inside! - Kevin. - Come inside. KEVIN: I'm part of the team. I can help out. I'm not gonna get in your way. - Come on, move! - Move! KEVIN: I was born to be a Ghostbuster, all right? Nothing's gonna stop me! - Oh, man. - Kevin! ABBY: Come on, Rowan, get out of him! ROWAN: Thanks for the upgrade. ABBY: Rowan, ya big bully! ROWAN: Hope this guy knows how to ride a motorcycle. ABBY: Rowan, not Kevin! ROWAN: Yeah, he does. PATTTY: Oh, that's so not good.

LYNCH: No, no. It's just a magic trick. He didn't actually cut her in half. MAYOR: No, no. I was there. She was cut in half. LYNCH: There's two women. MAYOR: Yeah, I saw it. LYNCH: It's just a trick. ERIN: Mayor Bradley, it's me! LYNCH: Oh, boy. Code red. Come here! MAYOR: I have something in my teeth? LYNCH: "No, no, that's code green. ERIN: It's me! It's Erin. LYNCH: She thinks that's a sliding door. ERIN: It's Erin. Hi! LYNCH: She thinks they're all doors. That's sad. She's a scientist. ERIN: Mayor Bradley. You have to evacuate the city! MAYOR: Never say that word. ERIN: You have to shut down the power to the whole city! Don't you understand? He's using the power to energize them! LYNCH: You know what, as you can see, the mayor is very busy. [roaring ] ERIN: Oh, no. It's happening- Can you hear it? It's... Oh, um... Okay, that's a dumpster. But the undead are still arriving. Please, Mayor Bradley, you have to believe me. You're the only one that can do something. Don't... Please don't be like the mayor in Jaws. MAYOR: Never compare me to the Jaws mayor. Never! ERIN: Please, you have to get everyone out. You're endangering everyone in the city! MAYOR:That took way too long. ERIN: What are you doing? My... Get off of me! Mayor Bradley, you have to listen to me! Get out of the city! Get out of the city! They're coming! Don't you understand? These ghosts kill people!

COP: 50 cents a T-shirt. My plan is to wear a new one every day, and then just throw 'em out and then start over every month, yeah. Whoa. Hey. Man, nobody ordered a Clark Kent strippergram. ROWAN: Clark Kent? Oh, because of the glasses and the handsomeness? ROWAN: I should have worked out more when I was alive. ROWAN: Oh, I definitely should have worked out more.

ERIN: You have to get out of the city! Please! Get out! Oh, no. It's happening- ABBY: Let's do this. PATTY: Oh, yeah. ERIN: Taxi! Taxi! CAB DRIVER: Where you going? ERIN: Chinatown. CAB DRIVER: Nah. That's, like, one more block south than I want to go. ERIN:Sir, those are actual ghosts flying around! CAB DRIVER: Eh, they're Class 5 floating vapors. Nothing to worry about. ERIN: No, no, no, it's important. Don't you see what's happening? CAB DRIVER: Look, I don't go to Chinatown, I don't drive wackos, and I ain't afraid of no ghosts. ERIN: What! Wait! Oh, God, I got to get my gear.

HOLTZMANN: Seem to have hit an impasse. ABBY: Yeah, I'd say so. All right, let's clear a path. HOLTZMANN: You guys, this looks like my kitchen. [Slimer] ABBY: What the hell is that thing? Ew. Hey, hey! - Wait! ABBY: Oh, really? Did you leave the keys in the car? PATTY: My uncle is gonna be pissed. - Okay, light him up! HOLTZMANN: No, don't shoot. The equipment on top of that is basically a nuclear reactor. ABBY: What? PATTY: Okay, I vote we don't shoot at that. ABBY: Well, we just gave a ghost a nuke. We should probably run. HOLTZMANN: Yep.

POLICE: Go! Go! Moving out! PATTY: Yo, was Thanksgiving like Halloween back in the 1920s? 'Cause that's a creepy-ass Macy's Parade. ABBY: I don't know. I've always kind of been attracted to husky men in hats. HOLTZMANN: Uh-oh. I just made eye contact. ABBY: With the balloon? HOLTZMANN: Yeah, straight down the barrel. PATTY: Oh, damn. ABBY: I think we may look like chew toys to him. All right, let's pop some balloons! [Stay-Puft] PATTY: Oh, Lord, have mercy. This is just wrong! ABBY: I can't move my hand. I can't reach the trigger. HOLTZMANN: You guys, this is exactly how I pictured my death. ABBY: Come on. ERIN: Proton guns are all well and good, but sometimes you need the Swiss Army. HOLTZMANN: Welcome back! Am I shouting? ERIN: Yeah. HOLTZMANN: I think the balloon popped my ear! ABBY: All right, let's go save this city and get our terrible receptionist back. We're not gonna find another one that pretty. RORKE: Who's the flying beefcake? ROWAN: Hello. Aw, women. Always late. Probably couldn't decide which dirty jumpsuit to wear. Let's give 'em a proper New York welcome, shall we? Boop. Welcome to the glory days of New York City. Have fun! ERIN: Never been good in a fight. ABBY: Well, good news. Here's your chance to work on that. HOLTZMANN: Guys, you all have your sidearms. I suggest you use them. ABBY: Okay, power up. PATTY: Holtzy, get down! Get down! ABBY: Slap shot! ERIN: Gotcha. ERIN: This isn't very Puritan behavior! ABBY: D'oh. Nuts! ERIN: I'm getting the hang of this! ERIN: Oh, shoot. ABBY: I lost my glasses! Wait, wait, I got 'em! They're in my hand! A little help! ROWAN: Oh, impressive. PATTY: Holtzy! I got you! PATTY: It's chipping time now, ghost. And this is what you get for sitting on me! ERIN: Missed me! HOLTZMANN: Thanks, Patty. ERIN: Oh, not you guys again! Say hello to my little... ERIN: What the hell? HOLTZMANN: [Holstering her proton thrower]Forgot about my new toys. [Twin pistol-sized throwers emerge from her pack. She licks one] HOLTZMANN: Let's go. HOLTZMANN: You just got Holtzmanned, baby! ABBY: You know what? I'm glad I didn't know any of you when you were alive, 'cause I don't enjoy any of you, especially you. ERIN: Okay. All right, Abby, let's reel it in tighter. ABBY: - I don't like you either! ERIN: We got to save our energy. Come on, let's go. ERIN: Oh, my God, you killed a Pilgrim. ABBY: It appears I did. ERIN: This is weird. ABBY: It sure is. Hey, why y'all like this? Something's up, man. ABBY: Yeah, great work, fellas. Your country thanks you. ABBY: Well, that thing's having the time of its life. Let's go. ERIN: Oh, God. It feels like the slime is after me, personally. That's all I'm saying. ABBY: This might be a crazy hunch, but I think he's got that machine up and running again. Come on. ROWAN: Damn, I missed. ABBY: Oh, Kevin! ROWAN: Oh. Is that what this thing's name is? He seemed more like a Chet to me. I must admit I am enjoying the body. First time in my life I don't have to suck it in. ABBY: I know you're getting real comfy in your Kevin skin suit, but it's time you hop out. We like him, despite his many, many frustrating quirks. - He just started figuring out the phones! - Yeah. ROWAN: Mmm... I don't know. Is this a little too Peter Pan? Anyway, I'll embrace it. You know, to be honest with you,this guy's making me feel stupider by the second. He's all yours. - No! - No, no, no! ABBY: Don't let Rowan get away! PATTY: I got his ass! Here I am. Nobody hurts Kevin, man! Nobody hurts Kevin! HOLTZMANN: Come out, come out wherever you are Over here. Those guns come with instructions? ABBY: Come on, Rowan! Come get your virginity out of the lost-and-found! ROWAN: You shoot like girls. ABBY: 12 o'clock! I think you broke it. PATTY: Look what you made me do! ERIN: It's ridiculous. Let's get Kevin. ABBY: I knew he was dumb as a box of rocks. I didn't know he's as heavy as one. What's he made out of? ERIN: Pure muscle. Oh, and baby-soft skin. ABBY: Come on, Rowan, show yourself! ROWAN: What form would you prefer I take? HOLTZMANN: Uh, maybe something stationary. Like a bull's-eye. PATTY: Well, I'll tell you what I prefer. I prefer something nice and cute, like a friendly little ghost. ROWAN: Oh. Is this what you want? Something more familiar? KEVIN: Mmm, Ice cream. Mmm. PATTY: Well, you know what, I don't have no problem with that. Thank you very much for being reasonable. ROWAN: If this is what you want, it works for me. ERIN:Oh, God, he's really going for it. PATTY: Man, I said cute. Cute! Oh, God. HOLTZMANN: No. No, no, no. No. ABBY: Okay, this is not good. Whoa! ABBY: Run! Run! ABBY: Come on! Erin! PATTY: Okay. Homeboy is pretty much not keeping up with what we agreed upon. What part of "small and friendly" did he not understand?

"Oh... this is bad." Abby: "We need to reverse the portal. It's gonna take an insane amount of energy." PATTY: Yo, what about that nuclear thing on top of the car? HOLTZMANN: If we can get those reactors super-critical inside the vortex, the beta radiation could 180 the polarity. ERIN: Causing a total protonic reversal. It's gonna turn that portal into a giant ghost trap. ERIN: You are a genius, Patty. PATTY: I'm a Ghostbuster. All right, let's narrow his path. Aim for the silver canisters. ERIN: It's working! ERIN: He's too strong. We can't let the portal close with him still here. ABBY: All right, ladies. Let's loosen his grip. PATTY: Yo, that's where you wanted us to shoot, right? Yes. ABBY: Look out! PATTY: Abby! PATTY: The portal's closing! ERIN: Abby, hang on! I'm coming! PATTY: What is she doing? ERIN: Hang on, Abby! ERIN: Abby! ABBY: Erin. ERIN: I wasn't gonna leave you twice. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. - Oh! - Hold on! - Oh, my God. PATTY: We got to get 'em out of there. We got to get 'em out of there! HOLTZMANN: Shut up! Yeah! PATTY: Hell yeah! HOLTZMANN: Yeah! Yeah! PATTY: Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! - Whoa. - Yeah! Yeah! - What's "whoa"? - Yes. - Oh! - No! Oh, my... Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! ABBY: Oh, my gosh! Uh... ERIN: What year is it? HOLTZMANN: It's 2040. Our president is a plant. ABBY: Oh, my God! HOLTZMANN: I'm kidding. You were gone two seconds. - We did it, huh? - Yeah. - Yeah, you did it. - Yep. - We all did it. - We all did it. We all did it. KEVIN: That's right. We all did it. - Well, uh... What did you do, Kevin? KEVIN: I did a lot, actually. I'll have you know that I walked over to the power box, pushed a bunch of buttons. Everything got sucked into the portal, then it closed up. HOLTZMANN: Ah, Kev. Sweet, sweet Kev. The two are unrelated. Uh, more important question. When did you have time to get a sandwich? KEVIN: Oh, when I was looking for you guys, I looked in that deli over there. ABBY: Uh... When we were risking our lives, trying to save New York City, you stopped in to get a sandwich? KEVIN: Quit splitting hairs, okay? Potatoes, tomatoes. it doesn't matter. Point is, the Ghostbusters... Are back together again, okay? And that's what friends are for. Just glad you okay, man. - Kevin! ERIN: Yes. Hold my hand longer. Okay. Okay. Okay. KEVIN: I love the hair, by the way. Makes you look a lot older. ABBY: You know what? - Hmm? KEVIN: A little help, please? REPORTER: In the aftermath of the events, authorities are still trying to understand what happened in Times Square and throughout the city. ANCHOR: I saw Pilgrims. Ghost Pilgrims. REPORTER: So you're honestly gonna stand here and tell me that we didn't all see ghosts,that what actually happened was that terrorists drugged all of the water with hallucinogens. MAYOR: Yes. Yes. Wait, what? BYSTANDER: Baba Booey! - I... I... WEATHERMAN: ...with the government trying to claim the event wasn't supernatural, despite so many eyewitness accounts to the contrary. The big question is, was it the four women who refer to themselves as Ghostbusters who actually thwarted the attack?We may never know. ERIN: Well, now I know how Batman feels. ABBY: You know what? You don't have to keep fiddling with it. I think it looks nice. Right? HOLTZMANN: I'd talk to you at an AA meeting. ERIN: It's my fault, anyway. The box said the color was called Garfield. ABBY: Ooh. HOLTZMANN: Mmm. ERIN: It wasn't even the cat. It was the president. HOLTZMANN: You know what? I want to make a toast. Oh. Uh-oh. - Here we go. - Here we go. HOLTZMANN: Physics is the study of the movement of, uh, bodies in space, and it can unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it cannot answer the essential question of what is our purpose here. And, to me, the purpose of life is to love. And to love is what you have shown me. I didn't think that I would ever really have a friend until I met Abby, and then I feel like I have a family of my own. And I love you. Thank you. ABBY:Thank you. I mean, that was like a real thing right there. - Yeah, that was... - That was, like, so real. LYNCH: I'm so sorry I'm late. Oh. LYNCH: We want to thank you for your discretion. It's not working at all, but thank you. Actually, we'd like you to continue to study this subject, fully funded. You know, we need to be better prepared, just in case. ERIN: Yeah. Yes, that's smart. ABBY: Yes. LYNCH: Whatever you need, going forward. Anything at all. ERIN: Anything? LYNCH: Anything. PATTY: Hell yeah! HOLTZMANN: Second floor is mine. PATTY: You can't claim a whole floor. HOLTZMANN: I just did. PATTY: You can't... You can't do that, Holtzy! ABBY: Not bad, ghost girl. ERIN: Thank you, and I proudly take that title. - Is that... ABBY: Patty's uncle. PATTY: Unc! PATTY’S UNCLE: Where is it? PATTY: What are you talking about? I told you what happened. PATTY’S UNCLE: Where's the car? PATTY: It's on the other side. PATTY’S UNCLE: In Jersey? PATTY: No, in the portal. ABBY: Ah, huh... You know what? We should probably let them just work this out. ERIN: Excuse me. PATTY’S UNCLE: Patty,I got four funerals this weekend. I can't do them with just one hearse. PATTY: Maybe you could do two at a time. PATTY’S UNCLE: We're not stacking 'em like flapjacks!

- Here you go. BENNIE: Thank you. I know what you did. ABBY: What? Oh... Bennie, don't get weird on me, okay? What is that... BENNIE: Yeah! ABBY: I'm just looking for a reasonable ratio of wontons to broth. This is absolute madness.

KEVIN: Ghostbusters. Please give a detailed description of your apparition. Mmm-hmm. Well, that sounds like an illusional meta-physious, spectro-mian. Mmm. Mmm-hmm. I'm talking like you guys. ABBY: Way to go, Kev. KEVIN: Yeah. Well, that sounds very scary.It's probably 'cause you got a lot ofbad karma from your previous life. Mmm. Oh, I hate coffee. ABBY: I'm just gonna disconnect his phone. ERIN: He won't notice. ABBY: No.

How's it going over here? HOLTZMANN: Um, good. Really good. I'm working on some kind of next-level stuff. Case in point. Whoa! Wow. ERIN: What is this for? HOLTZMANN: It catches ghosts and it transports them somewhere else. I don't know where, uh, but I have a feeling it's Michigan. Sorry, Lansing.

ABBY: Hey, how's this containment unit? Oh, you got that up and going? HOLTZMANN: Oh, that? Oh, that's going real smooth. Uh, I just would say don't be in a room with it for more than an hour at a time, because I'm thinking a lot of hair loss. ERIN: Oh, well, that might be something we want to work on. Oh. Uh, hi. Hello. Sorry, I didn't know anyone else was here. HOLTZMANN: What a ding-a-ling. I forgot to introduce. This is my mentor, Dr. Rebecca Gorin. REBECCA: This is reckless, Jillian. All someone has to do is sneeze too hard and everyone in this building is going to disintegrate. It's completely unstable.Do we need this safety light? HOLTZMANN: Safety lights are for dudes. REBECCA: Safety lights are for dudes. [they high-five] REBECCA: I hate doing that.

PATTY: Hey, y'all need to come check this out. Come up to the roof. [NY S2 GB] ERIN: Is that for us? PATTY: I guess some people actually do know what we did. ABBY: Well, that's not terrible. ERIN: No, it's not. It's not terrible at all. CREDITS HOLTZMANN: I call it the nutcracker. Cause it crushes ghosts. HOLTZMANN:No, it’s for nuts. Huh. ERIN: What is it? Did you get something? PATTY: Yeah. I heard something really weird. What's "Zuul"?