This transcript isn't finished!
This page either has no transcript, or does not have the entire transcript.
It is recommended to add the complete transcript. Remove this template once finished.



The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a flash and a SPACESHIP rumbles into view. ON its hull the letters NSEA PROTECTOR. Magnificent, though on closer inspection it shudders ever so slightly, denoting pre-CGI model work on a budget. We're watching a TV show.

LAREDO (V.0.) We're exiting the time knot now sir!


5 Members of the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR sit in the large circa - 1979-"high-tech" cabin. All of them human except for DR. LAZARUS, a purple reptilian-looking alien. LAREDO is 9. The crewmates exchange relieved smiles.

FRED We're alive.

LAREDO We made it Commander, we made it!

LAZARUS (THE ALIEN) By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.

COMPUTER (0.S.) Systems register functional.

GWEN All systems are working, Commander. Commander?

They all turn to look at THE COMMANDER, who turns to reveal himself dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic Charlton Heston take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the command deck, worried, almost sniffing the air.

COMMANDER I don't like it. It was too easy... Look for ambient energy fields.

LAREDO All normal sir... The entire spectrum.

COMMANDER Check again Laredo.

LAREDO Yes sir, I- Wait. Oh no.

His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then HUNDREDS.

LAREDO They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.


Suddenly an EXPLOSION rocks the ship.

GWEN A trap.

LAZARUS. We're surrounded Commander. The entire 5k Ranking is out there.

COMMANDER Our plasma armor?

LAREDO Gone sir.

Another BLAST rocks the room.

COMPUTER (O.S.) Structural damage at 68 percent.

GWEN We're getting major structural damage.

FRED It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped

The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus.

LAZARUS Commander, surrender may be our only option.

COMMANDER No, never give up... NEVER surrender.'

GWEN The reactor has eaten through four levels... Six levels... The ship is disintegrating

LAREDO Your orders sir?... Sir, your orders?

The Commander walks into close up; Steely determination.

COMMANDER Activate the Omega 13.

The crewmates exchange expectant and terrified glances. CLOSE UP of a crewman's hand as he operates a series controls which in turn opens five layers of mechanical locks revealing a serious looking lever. The Commander pulls that lever. A MACHINE Is revealed, rising from the floor in the middle of the room. It begins to GLOW. Cut to each actor in turn reacting dramatically. Then suddenly.. THE PICTURE GOES WHITE, LEADER LEADER NUMBERS APPEAR, with a STUDIO COPYRIGHT notice.



ENTHRALLED LEGIONS of mostly spotty faced male adolescent FANS staring into camera. For a moment all is silent. A few are sobbing. Then a BURST OF THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE... We're at a SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION. The enthusiastic crowd of FANS continue cheering as the master of ceremonies GUY takes the stage.

GUY Well, there you are! You are the first people to see the lost GALAXY QUEST episode 52 two parter since it was originally aired in '82! As most of you know, no concluding episode was filmed when the series was cancelled, so one episode was never included in the syndication run. Let's hear it for Travis Latke, who actually rescued the footage from the studio garbage! Can you believe that? (Latke stands, fans cheer) Now for the moment you've all been waiting for... The intrepid crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR!

But a STAGEHAND in the wings signals for Guy to "stretch."

GUY But first... What is a "hero"? Let's take a look at a few more clips...


Here we meet the REAL LIFE ACTORS all dressed as their TV alter egos... GWEN DEMARCO, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body suit. ALEXANDER DANE, (DR. LAZARUS) wearing green alien prosthetic makeup. FRED KWAN, calm, sitting on an apple box reading the paper. TOMMY "LAREDO" WEBBER, the youngest of the group.

TOMMY Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half!

GWEN (looks through curtain) This is great! They're going to start eating each other out there.


TOMMY Oh, and did you hear he booked another fan appearance without us?

GWEN You're kidding. When for?

TOMMY Tomorrow morning, before the store opening.

ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN) He's a miserable twit!

GWEN The guy is terminally selfish!

FRED He ate my sandwich.


FRED A month ago, he ate my sandwich.

TOMMY And he ate Fred's SANDWICH!

Gwen turns to notice Alexander staring into a makeup mirror, eyes roaming over his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features with a mournful expression.

GWEN Oh Alex, get away from that thing...

ALEXANDER Dear God.... How did I come to this?

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

TOMMY Not again...

ALEXANDER I played Richard III...

FRED "Five curtain calls...

ALEXANDER ...Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at me... LOOK AT ME.

TOMMY Settle down, Alex...

ALEXANDER No. I can't go out there! I won't say that ridiculous catch phrase one more time. I won't. I can't!

GWEN At least you had a PART. You had a character people loved! My TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about this body suit. About my legs. How did I perfect my trademark sidesaddle pose? Nobody ever bothered to ask what I DO on the ship...

FRED You were the, uh... Wait I'll think of it...

GWEN I repeated the computer. "It's getting hotter, Commander!" "The ship is disintegrating, Commander!" Nothing I did EVER affected the plot, not ONCE! Nothing I did was ever taken seriously!

TOMMY Excuse me. I'm an African American playing a nine year old Malaysian named Laredo. HELLO!

Suddenly the rear stage doors open and JASON NESMITH ("The Commander") strolls in, all exuberance and charm.

JASON My friends, your Commander has arrived!... Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack?...(looks at Alex) Apparently so. (inspects a mole on Alex's neck) That's irregular, you should have it looked at. (looks at Fred's paper) Lakers are HOT. Speaking of which... Gwen, you look spectacular. (they all glare at him) Oh, what did I do now?

5 CONVENTION STAGE On the stage, Guy continues to stall...

GUY ... Sure, the rocks looked hollow and the sets moved when anyone humped into them... But we didn't care...

FILM CLIPS are projected behind him: On an alien planet THE Commander carries the LIMP BODY OF HIS ADVISOR, LAZARUS, ray guns erupting around him... On the command deck the crew fights a space battle with crack precision TEAMWORK...

GUY (CONTINUED) ....For those four seasons from '79 to '82 we the viewers developed the same affection for the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR that the crew had for each other... These weren't just adventurers exploring space, these were friends...

6 BACKSTAGE - The others surround JASON, fighting.

TOMMY You said we do appearances together, or not at all.'

JASON I didn't say that. I said "wouldn't it be great if we could always, work together." That's what I said.

GWEN Unbelievable.

TOMMY You are so full of shit

JASON A few fans built a little set in their garage. . I come in for an hour at most. It's a nothing.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

GWEN How much of a nothing? Not enough to split five ways kind of a nothing?

JASON What do you want me to say, Gwen?... They wanted the Commander.

Suddenly bright light streams in. They all turn to see ALEXANDER skulking out the exit. A beat, then they all run to catch Alexander, TACKLING HIM.


Guy gets a thumbs up cue from a stagehand and begins to introduce the cast, to the delight of the applauding FANS.

GUY Okay, here we go... Let's hear a warm welcome for crack gunner/navigator. Laredo, Tommy Webber!

Tommy comes bounding out with a big smile, his hair mussed. Behind him is a film clip of young LAREDO in action.

TOMMY (FILM CLIP) AS LAREDO "If it's got quantum rockets, I can fly it."

GUY Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen... Fred Kwan!

Fred strolls out with a casual wave.

FRED AS CHEN "Give me a stick of gum and a hairpin and we re on our way!"


Gwen and Jason are wrestling on the ground with Alexander.

GWEN Alex you can't -just leave.

ALEXANDER Oh can't I? Watch me!

JASON Come on, old friend...

ALEXANDER Friend. You stole all my best lines. You cut me out of episode two entirely!..

GUY (O.S. FROM THE STAGE) The beautiful shipmate Tawny Madison... GWEN DEMARCO!


Gwen takes the stage noticeably ruffled. In the film clip, Tawny Madison looks around the cabin fearfully.

COMPUTER One hundred degrees and rising...

GWEN AS TAWNY Louis NguyenISON "It's... It's getting hotter, Commander.'"

Many "appreciative" WHISTLES. Gwen forces a smile.

GUY And now... The Commander's advisor and closest friend. His peaceful nature ever at odds with the savage warrior inside him, after witnessing the massacre of his entire species as a boy...

We see a splitscreen shot of Alexander, one mild mannered, the other a savage beast of vengeance, tearing into a foe.

10 BACKSTAGE - Jason still in a wrestling match with Alexander.

JASON You WILL go out there.

ALEXANDER I won't and nothing you say-

JASON "The show must go on."

ALEXANDER ...Damn you! Damn you!

GUY (cont'd) (O.S.) "Dr. Lazarus of Tev'meck"... Alexander Dane


Alex bounds up on stage, bowing deep with grace and humility. The stage trained British actor.

ALEX AS LAZARUS ONSCREEN "By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged.'"

Alex cringes, desperately unhappy

GUY And finally, my fellow Questarians, the brave Commander of the NSEA PROTECTOR... Peter Quincy Taggart ... JASON NESMITH.

Jason appears and a SPOTLIGHT follows him.

TOMMY Unbelievable. He rented a SPOT?

Jason raises his fist encouraging the FANS to cry out...


The fans go crazy. The actors exchange glances.

GUY The Commander and his crew will be signing autographs on imperial decks "b" and "c" near the coke machines.


It's quiet. We're on FOUR PAIRS OF BOOTS walking down the hallway. We PAN UP to reveal FIVE SERIOUS LOOKING YOUNG PEOPLE, 4 men and a woman, clean cut as Disneyland employees and impeccably outfitted in GALAXY QUEST style uniforms. Something odd about them you can't quite put your finger on.. For now we'll refer to them as THE PECULIAR FANS.


We move with the PECULIAR FANS as they enter the bustling convention floor, making their way past the numerous FANS dressed as their favorite GALAXY QUEST characters... through the various booths selling GALAXY QUEST and other Si-fi memorabilia, catching snippets of conversation along the way: They pass two ELABORATELY COSTUMED ALIEN FANS talking.

ALIEN ...Yeah, I used to De Gark'nor of Ang but I got a rash from the chest pads so now I'm Sacnod from episode 5, which is fine except the transducer pinches when I sit down...

... They pass a group of particularly EARNEST FANS at a vendor's booth, also costumed as the five GALAXY QUEST leads. Their leader, BRANDON WHEEGER, inspects a seller's model of the DEFENDER, contemptuously.

BRANDON The tail fin is concave, not convex. The proton reactor is where the influx thermistors should be and.. my god... is this Testor's blue green number six on the hull? (drops the model roughly) I... I... This is a complete abortion.

With curious glances to this similarly uniformed group, the PECULIAR FANS move past, then come to a halt as they spot JASON, up on a raised platform at the front of the hall signing autographs for a long line of fans. The peculiar fans stare at Jason as to they were in the presence of God. They exchange astonished smiles, then start toward him...


Tommy, Alexander and Fred sign autographs at a row of tables near Jason, but significantly lower than his perch.

TOMMY Is it me or does his table get higher every convention?

One of many fans dressed as "Dr. Lazarus" steps up to Alexander and salutes him with crossed fists.

FAN "By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, I shall avenge you!"

Alexander ignores this, grabs the photo from his hand, signs it, thrusts it back. The next fan steps up.

FAN "By Grabthar's hammer, by the-"

He signs and thrusts it back before he can even finish.


Guy (the MC) approaches the actors at their tables.

GUY Hi everybody.

TOMMY Hey. Thanks for one nice intro... uh.

GUY Guy... You probably don't remember me do you? (They stare blankly) I was on the show in '82. Episode 31? Got killed by the lava monster before the first commercial? "Crewman #6?"

The actors pretend that they remember him. "oh, right! Guy!"

GUY Listen, I was wondering, would you guys mind if I sit in today? See if anybody's interested in an autograph? Never know.

GWEN Sure, Guy, If you can stand the excitement.

Two more FANS dressed as Alexander's character approach him, proudly CHATTERING at him in the Mak'tar language.

ALEXANDER Don't make me get a restraining order.


THE PECULIAR FANS are making their way through the crowd toward Jason. We suddenly notice something very strange; THE LEFT HAND of the tallest one is flickering between a normal hand and A HAND WITH SEVEN LONG BLUE TENTACLES FOR FINGERS. The LEADER notices and motions to the afflicted man who raps sharply against a metal blinking box on his belt. The hand becomes normal again. He looks up, nods at the leader. From now on we'll refer to these 5 as THE ALIENS.

AT THE CAST TABLE - Guy now sits with the others, forlorn. No fans are in line for his autograph. He watches as Fred fields questions from the group or fans led by BRANDON.

BRANDON Mr. Kwan? In episode nineteen, when the reactor fused, you used an element from Leopold Six to fix the quantum rockets. What was that called?

FRED Bivrakium.

BRANDON The blue sheath it was encased in-?

FRED A bi-thermal krevlite housing.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

Brandon makes a note, thanks him and exits with his group.

GUY How do you remember this stuff?

FRED Oh I make it up. Use lots of "k"s and "v"s.

A male FAN moves up to Gwen, hands her a picture to sign.

FAN I'm a big fan Ms. Demarco.

Gwen looks at the photo, nonplussed.

GWEN You really expect me to sign a naked picture of myself? This isn't even my body!

FAN Yeah, normally with fakes it's like, recycle bin. But.. This one's really good. (Gwen sighs, starts to sign) Could you not write over the... Thanks.

A fan finally approaches Guy who looks up eagerly. The fan looks at him quizzically, trying to place him.

GUY Episode 12. (gets no reaction) Killed by the lava monster?..

FAN (turns to Tommy) Laredo, could I get an autograph?

Guy shrugs, disappointed. Gwen gives him a comforting look, then looks across at


Talking dramatically to a group of fans. A YOUNG BOY watches WIDE EYED.

JASON ... on one hand, if I had moved an inch, the beast would have killed me. On the other hand, my crew was in danger...

YOUNG BOY How did you know what to do?

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

JASON Without a crew, I'm not a Commander.

He pulls down on the kid's cap.

JASON And we all know what happened to that beast on Enok 7...

The fans make happy nerdy "we sure do" noises.


Gwen shakes her head appreciatively.

GWEN You gotta admit, they do love him.

TOMMY Almost as much as he loves himself.

They watch as Jason fields another question from a fan.

JASON I'm glad you asked... To me the most important qualities of a Galaxy Explorer are loyalty...

ALEXANDER ... to camera center no matter whose shot you're blocking...

JASON Leadership....

TOMMY ... to make sure craft service keeps those little butter cookies, and plenty of them-

JASON And determination.

GWEN ... to playing scenes shirtless because the ladies do love Commander furry.

Gwen, Alex and the others try to contain their laughter.


Bored with the constant queries of his fans, Jason glances over to see Gwen smiling at him. She quickly looks away, self-

4/28/99 (YELLOW)

conscious. Jason doesn't even take his eyes off Gwen as BRANDON steps forward, his brow knit with serious matters.

BRANDON Commander, please settle a dispute that my crew and I are having. In "The Quasar Dilemma", the Sentient had taken control of the ship's guidance systems, however-

JASON Excuse me guys.

Jason exits. Brandon turns to his friends, frustrated.

BRANDON I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum...

THE CAST TABLE - Gwen answers a question from a shy GIRL.

GIRL Miss Demarco?... In episode 15, "Mist of Delos 5?" I got the feeling you and the Commander kind of had a thing in the swamp when you were stranded together. Did you?

GWEN The Commander and I NEVER had a thing.

JASON (O.S.) That's her story.

Gwen looks up to see Jason. The girl giggles and exits. Jason smiles at Gwen.

GWEN What?

JASON You smiled at me.

Rolling her eves Gwen rises and walks off. Undaunted, Jason follows, but runs into the five ALIENS. Their leader MATHESAR bows respectfully, then follows along as Jason pursues Gwen.

MATHESAR Commander, I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance... We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula, and we require your help. I beseech you to come with us, back to our ship. A great many lives hang in the balance...

4/26/99 (PINK)

JASON Right, If this is about the thing tomorrow you can hammer out the details with my agent, but make sure I have a limo from my house, they jammed me into a Toyota the last time I did one of these

MATHESAR I... certainly, but-

JASON Catch me later, okay?

Jason catches up to Gwen. He spins her around dramatically.

JASON "Crewman Madison, I.. I'm sorry. Whatever I do next I have no control over. It's the mist on this strange planet, It's filling my head with such thoughts....

He leans in for a tortured kiss... Some fans gather, delighted by the impromptu show. But Gwen steps aside.

GWEN It was cute when I didn't know you.

She exits. Jason tries to pretend that doesn't hurt.


Jason moves forward, introspective, amidst the enthusiastic fans. They all shout out questions and comments to him... But Jason pushes past without response and takes refuge in the-


Jason enters to witness the incongruous sight of four MANK'NAR beasts at the urinals taking a MANK'NAR piss. Jason enters a stall and sits on the lid, trying to get a moment to think. But two CYNICALIC 20-SOMETHINGS enter, laughing their assess off. He can hear their voices echo from the other side.

CYNICAL GUY 1 You're right. What a FREAK SHOW. This is fricking HILARIOUS.

CYNICAL GUY 2 Yeah, what a bunch of losers. And those poor actors. They've done, like, WHAT for twenty years? I think Fred Kwan did a dog food commercial... Sad.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

CYNICAL GUY 1 Did you hear Nesmith up there? That's the saddest. I think he actually gets off on these nerds thinking he's space Commander. It's pathetic. And his friends...

CYNICAL GUY 2 ... they HATE him. I know, did you hear them ragging on him?!! "Commander furry!..."

CYNICAL GUY 1 He has no idea that he's a laughingstock... Even to his buddies.

They exit, their laughter ringing in Jason's ears.


Jason is back at his table signing autographs in a foul mood. He scribbles his name irritably, avoiding contact with the fans as BRANDON and his group of aficionados approach him.

BRANDON Commander, as I was saying... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used the auxiliary of deck b for Gamma override. But online blueprints indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were wondering where the error lies?

JASON It's a television show. Okay? That's all. It's just a bunch of fake sets, and wooden props, do you understand?

BRANDON Yes but, we were wondering-

JASON There IS no quantum flux and there Is no auxiliary... There's no goddamn ship Do you get it?

Jason notices that all eyes are turned on him. The hall has become deathly quiet. Jason rises abruptly and exits through the hall. Brandon and the fans do their best not to take this personally.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)


Gwen is cooking something intricate and delicious as she talks to Alex on the phone. Her house is tasteful and bright on a budget.

GWEN I don't know, Alex, he's never gone quite this far before...


Alexander sits at his kitchen table, applying spirit gum remover to the edges of his alien head appliance.

ALEXANDER I've said for years he's mentally unstable.

He stands and moves to the refrigerator. Nothing but a hunk of very rank cheese which he sniffs disdainfully.

ALEXANDER Oh good, there's nothing to eat.

GWEN Why didn't you stop at the market?

ALEXANDER (re his alien cap) I still haven't got this bloody thing off.

GWEN You could order something in.

ALEXANDER A boy comes to the door.

GWEN (a beat, back to Jason...) I don't know... It just wasn't like him.

ALEXANDER Yes, poor Jason. As we speak he's probably out somewhere talking rubbish to a roomful of hangers-on. While here I sit eating Christmas cheese in Spring.


Jason sits on the edge of the bed staring at the TV, sipping scotch, flipping channels. He stops at the conclusion of an

4/26/99 (PINK)

episode of GALAXY QUEST. As Commander Taggart makes a heroic speech. Jason mouths the words along with his alterego.

COMMANDER TAGGART (ON TV) As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars... We'll be there. This fine ship, and this fine crew... Never give up! Never surrender!

We pan back to the bed... Jason has passed out, body twisted face down in a pillow.


Jason sleeps, hungover, dead to the world. His DOORBELL RINGS. He barely moves. Every Indication is that he's dead. More ringing. He stirs enough to groan, and drags a pillow over his head. The ringing continues....


Jason opens the door in his robe, drooping bloodshot eyes, squint of a headache... There before him are THE ALIENS dressed in their perfect GALAXY QUEST attire. Jason stares at them, bleary eyed. With earnest respectful faces, the five salute him in the classic "GALAXY QUEST" style. Jason shuts the door in their face. DING DONG: The door opens again.


The leader, Mathesar, steps forward. Speaks quickly.

MATHESAR Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach of protocol, but please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. Sarris wants the Omega 13. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts in this regard have been nothing short of disastrous. The flames, the death... (he quickly gathers himself) Please Captain, you are our last hope. (a beat) We have secured a limousine.

JASON Oh, right! The thing with the thing. Come on in, I'll get some pants on.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)


The four aliens stand on one side of the room. Jason, mostly dressed, hunts under his couch for something.

MATHESAR Commander, standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.

Mostly all they can see of Jason at the moment is his butt.

JASON Thanks, appreciate it... Anybody seen my other shoe?


Jason sits in back with Mathesar and the others, half-awake.

NERU Sir, I am Neru, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements. Weapons, documents, personnel...

JASON I could use a Coke.

One of the aliens nods to the other who makes a note.

TEB Sir, I am Teb. I would like to explain the history between our people and the Sarris Dominion in greater detail. In the 5 million years following the great nebula burst our people were one...

JASON What about him? Doesn't he talk?

TEB His translator is broken.

The fourth alien says something, but it comes out a weird mix of sounds. Like a screaming baby inside a bagpipe.

JASON Okey doke... So, listen, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, so (MORE)

4/26/99 (PINK)

JASON (cont'd) I'm going to shut my eyes for a bit. But go on, I'm listening to every word...

Jason is asleep before Teb gets the next sentence out.


Jason is shaken softly by the shoulders. He opens his eyes to see a young female CREWMAN, LALIARI. We hear a low RUMBLE.

LALIARI I am sorry to wake you sir, but your presence is requested on the command deck.

Jason tries to reorient himself as she leads him forward.


Laliari escorts Jason down the high tech hallway. Jason looks around, still holding his can of Coke.

LALIARI Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship at the Ni-delta now. He wants an answer to his proposal. I understand you have been briefed.

JASON Yeah, I got most of it in the car. He's the bad guy, right?

LALIARI Yes sir he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented purposes...

JASON Okay I've got the picture. You have pages or do you want me to just go for it?

LALIARI I m not sure I...

JASON (cont'd) Script pages. Never mind, let's see what old Sarris has to say for himself.

Mathesar approaches with other CREWMEMBERS.

4/26/99 (PINK)

MATHESAR Commander... Welcome to the Protector II. Would you like to don your uniform?

JASON Mind If we skip that? I have to get back pretty quick for this thing in Van Nuys.

MATHESAR As you wish.

Another ALIEN comes running up out of breath.

EXCITED ALIEN Sir... It's Sarris. He's here.


A door slides OPEN and Jason and the others enter the COMMAND DECK.... It's straight out of the TV show. Blinking lights, consoles, the cool old tech displays... But a bit dark. Jason looks around, genuinely impressed, still wearing his glasses.

JASON Not bad. Usually it's painted cardboard boxes in a garage.

They lead him to the Commander's chair. He sits.

TEB Sir, we apologize for operating in low power mode, but we are experiencing a reflective flux field this close to the galactic axis.

JASON No problem. This thing have a cup holder?

EXCITED ALIEN (hands Jason a clipboard) The situational analysis, Commander.

JASON What's your name?

EXCITED ALIEN (perplexed) ...Glath sir.

Jason signs his autograph and hands it back. "There you go."

NAVIGATOR We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow?

Jason looks toward the front window/view screen. Stars move past in a familiar display.

JASON Sure, set the screen saver on two. (the NAVIGATOR looks confused) Sorry. Sorry. Didn't mean to break he mood. Slow to Mark 2, lieutenant.

A SHIP appears on the screen, growing closer. It is a MENACING craft, sharp and jagged, with a gargoyle shaped figurehead. Then the VIEWSCREEN fuzzes to life with an image of... SARRIS - He's ugly and green hued. Black sharp teeth. A metal hand... He hisses... There is a beat as the aliens take in the sight, trying to well their courage.

SARRIS I see fear. That is expected. (his voice RESONATES) Ah, they bring a new Commander... Such a cowardly species. Not even your own kind... No matter. Here are my demands, and I would suggest, Commander, that you think well before speaking a word, because these negotiations are... tender.. and if I do not like what I hear there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine...

Jason takes a sip of coke and checks his watch.

SARRIS First, I require the Omega 13... Second-

JASON (blas�, like a laundry list) Okey dokey, let's fire blue particle cannons full. Fire red particle cannons full. Fire gannet magnets left and right. Fire pulse catapults from all chutes. And throw this thing at him too, killer.

He hands the GUNNER the empty coke can, then before even waiting for the weapons to reach their target... ...he exits!


Jason emerges and looks both ways trying to get his bearings. Several of the aliens chase after him as he enters the

4/26/99 (PINK)

corridor, exchanging stunned dances, trying to absorb the magnitude of what just happened.

MATHESAR Commander?... Where are you... going?


MATHESAR You... You mean Earth?

JASON Yeah. "Earth." Time to get back to "Earth," kids.

He turns a corner. Jason is oblivious to the muffled sounds of explosions, traces of the demolition going on outside.

MATHESAR But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on him.

JASON Right. Long live... What's your planet?

MATHESAR Theramin.

JASON Long live Theramini. Take a left here?

MATHESAR But what if Sarris survives?

JASON Oh, I don't think so. I gave him both barrels.

MATHESAR He has a very powerful ship. Perhaps you would like to wait to see the results of-

JASON I would but I am REALLY running late and the 134's a parking lot after 2:00. But listen, the guy gives you any more trouble, just give a call...

Mathesar produces a walkie talkie device for Jason.

MATHESAR An interstellar vox.

4/26/99 (PINK)

JASON Thanks

Mathesar looks him in the eye. A TEAR starts down his cheek. He HUGS Jason, then shakes his hand sincerely.

MATHESAR How can we thank you, Commander. You- You have saved our people.

JASON It was a lot of fun. You kids are great.

The others shake his hand, thanking him as they enter the...


A room with a very high circular ceiling. The aliens continue thanking Jason as they lead him to the center of the room. Jason realizes he's left all alone in this strange room with no visible doors. Jason is suddenly aware that he is standing on a GLOWING RED DISK.

JASON Wait. Where's the car?

Suddenly a CLEAR CYLINDER rises from the disk and conforms around him, ENCASING~ HIM IN A CLEAR BULLET SHAPED CONTAINER. There is only an instant to register surprise as the ceiling divides and an AWE INDUCING ROTATING STARFIELD is revealed... The WALLS pull back around him. And Jason finds himself surrounded by THE INFINITE VASTNESS OF SPACE. And his face is a MASK OF HORROR In the split instant as Jason in his pod is ROCKETED FORWARD INTO SPACE.


We pull back slowly from the iris of Jason's eye. He is now standing on the red disk in the middle of his own back yard. He stands there in shock, TEETH CHATTERING, SHIVERING IN WAVES AND WAVES from the incomprehension of what he's just experienced, unable to move from the snot.


Crickets chirp. Inside the open garage of a suburban house sits BRANDON and his friends in their uniforms, surrounded by a homemade space ship interior constructed of painted cardboard boxes and Christmas lights. Brandon and his friends look very disappointed... The Commander never showed.


Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, Fred and Guy perform for the store's grand opening. A small crowd is gathered, including Brandon and his gang, inspecting a mock up of the PROTECTOR.

GWEN Take it from us... We've been all over the universe.

FRED But we've never seen the space age values we've seen here .....

TOMMY TechCo electronics superstore

Alexander pauses, deeply ashamed. Gwen nudges him.

ALEXANDER By Grabthar's hammer, what a savings.

A few balloons are released into the air.


The actors hand out pamphlets and sign the occasional autograph. Fred pats Alexander's back, who stares ahead, morose. Around the corner, JASON appears, looking around with a disoriented yet exhilarated twinkle in his eye.. He spots his friends and starts quickly toward the cast table but runs smack into the group of FANS led by Brandon. Brandon and Jason go down, along with an armful of GALAXY QUEST collectables.

BRANDON Commander!... My apologies.

Brandon is nudged by his friend KYLE.

BRANDON Commander... Evidently we had miscommunication regarding yesterday's scheduled voyage, and-

But Jason, still in a haze, simply gathers his things and walks off. The other nerds look at Brandon.

KYLE He dissed us AGAIN, Brandon!

BRANDON (hiding his disappointment) He probably... Has some very important business to attend to...

HOLLISTER (just letting off steam) Maybe we should just start a Star Trek club!

The others turn, silent, incredulous. Brandon looks at Hollister with hard, cold eyes. Pacino's scene with Fredo.

BRANDON Don't EVER say that to me again.

He walks away. The others stare at Hollister.


The actors look up to see JASON approaching.

ALEXANDER Do you know what time it is? Why did you even bother to show up?

Jason has so much to say he can't get out a word. Gwen notices his wrinkled slept-in clothing, and wild eyes.

GWEN Jason... Are you all right?

Jason POINTS to the sky, grasping for words.

JASON I was there. (a beat) Up. There... (intense) They came to the convention. I thought they were fans, but they're not. They took me up to their ship. They're called Thermians or Thatians, I don't know. I was a little hungover... (actors exchange glances) What they built... It's incredible I fought this man, this... THING... called Sarris. I kicked his ASS... They have these... pods. One took me THROUGH a black hole. (crazy smile. The others stare) I know. I know what you're thinking. But I can prove it. Look! They gave me this!

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

He searches his pockets frantically and produces the interstellar vox. The thing blinks its little red light. He motions victoriously. The others exchange glances, then produce their own blinking voxes and set them on the table.

JASON Yes, but can you talk to people in SPACE on yours? (into Vox:) Protector this is the Commander. Come in protector...

The others exchange glances. Alexander turns to Gwen.

ALEXANDER God, what an ass.


Tommy rolls up his sleeve ready for a fight.

TOMMY That's it, It's go time.

GWEN Don't do it, Tommy. He's not worth it.

Jason notices a label on his vox that reads "Property of Brandon Wheeger." He looks around for Brandon.

JASON This isn't mine. Wait, where is that kid?...

GWEN You know it's one thing to treat us this way, but how can you do this to your fans?...

Jason looks up and sees the young woman we recognize as Thermian LALIARI. She's flanked by two young crewmen.

LALIARI Begging your pardon, Commander, we come with news. Sarris lives. He was able upon your departure to make an escape. However he has contacted us, and wishes to surrender. We humbly implore you to return with us, to negotiate the terms.

Jason looks at Laliari, then turns back to the others, his experience twinkling in his eyes.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

JASON They want me back... I... I want you all to come. You have to come with me. It'll be the most amazing experience of your lives. We1re going to negotiate an alien general's SURRENDER in SPACE. You have to- Guys? GUYS?...

They have begun to walk away, one by one, in disgust. Only Gwen remains. She looks at Jason.

JASON Gwen, you know me. I'm a lot of things but I'm not crazy.

But Gwen shakes her head and walks off.


Jason inspects himself In a mirror. He meticulously smoothes his Commander's Insignia, fastens a stray buckle, carefully picks a piece of lint off his shirt. Then he looks Into his own eyes for a long moment, finally turning to Laliari, a smile, eyes GLISTENING. Nearby a POD DISK on the floor GLOWS.

JASON I'm ready.


The actors enter their dressing room.

TOMMY You should have let me hit him.

GWEN I don't know guys... I mean, he almost looked... sincere. I know, it's bizarre!

FRED I think we should have taken the gig... I mean, who knows the next time he'll ask us.

They all turn slowly to Fred. "Of course.. He was talking about a GIG."


The actors hurry through the aisles to the back of the store. Gwen shouts to an EMPLOYEE stocking shelves.

GWEN Commander come through here?

The Employee points to the back, taken with Gwen's beauty.


Gwen, Alex and the others enter, and look around. Laliari is still in the room, alone. She lights up as they enter.

GWEN We're coming too.

LALIARI Wonderful! The Commander had me continue transmitting in the hopes you would change your mind. (to Vox) Protector, requesting six Interstellar pods for immediate departure.

Tommy rolls his eyes at Gwen. "These fans..." But Gwen suddenly notices the POD DISKS glowing beneath their feet.

GWEN Guys... Guys?

Alex tries to step off the disk but It MOVES TO FOLLOW HIM.

ALEXANDER What in the world...?

LALIARI I look forward to meeting you all in person when we arrive at the ship. End transmission.

And with that, Laliari blinks and VANISHES. She was simply a HOLOGRAM TRANSMISSION. Full realization hits Gwen...

GWEN Oh my God. OH MY GOD.


The room LIGHTS BRILLIANTLY with a series of flashes. In rapid succession the PODS arrive with a flash through a hatch In the ceiling. They unfold to reveal Gwen, Alexander, Tommy and Guy who stand paralyzed and teeth chattering. They look like a bunch of horrified bowling pins all facing toward...

A METAL HATCH - Beyond It they register the SOUND of WET FOOTSTEPS growing closer... Their eyes widen as they see the hatch open revealing a group of 5 HORRIBLE TENTACLED DROOLING SCREG~ING ALIEN MONSTERS who surround our visitors, probing them with jagged devices. Then one of the monsters looks down at a mechanism on his belt.

MONSTER #1 Oops. Crewmen, your skins! Activate your E-skins!

4/29/99 (GREEN)

The monsters all flip switches on their belts their forms become HUMAN, uniformed as ship's TECHNICIANS.

TECHNICIAN #1 Our most sincere apologies! We forgot about our appearance generators.

Then JASON appears in the doorway, wearing a big warm smile.

JASON Guys! You CAME!...

They stand there, still paralyzed and terrified.

JASON Okay, who wants the grand tour?

Guy is now relaxed enough to let out the loudest most genuine SCREAM you've ever heard in your life. A beat.

JASON Okay, Guy... Anybody else?

Then another streak of light, and Fred appears along side the others. He steps off of the disk, unaffected.

FRED Now that was a hell of a thing. (to Jason, motioning to others) What's wrong with them?

Jason smiles. Nothing gets to Fred.


Jason leads Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, Guy and Fred down the hall. They shuffle forward like recent hospital releases, looking around silent and dumbfounded at their surroundings, occasional involuntary JERKS of their limbs evidence of their horrifying journey.

JASON That's right... Just keep shaking it out... Here, have some gum, It helps.

TOMMY Wh... Where are we?

4/29/99 (GREEN)

JASON Twenty third quadrant of gamma sector. I can show you on a map.

Then Mathesar appears coming down the hall with a small group of ALIENS. He has a warm smile on his face.

MATHESAR Welcome my friends I am Mathesar. On behalf of my people I wish to thank you from the deepest place in our hearts.

He reaches out to shake their hands respectfully.

MATHESAR Dr. Lazarus... Lt. Madison. Young Laredo, how you've grown. Tech Sgt. Chen... And....

He looks at Guy quizzically, not sure who he is.

GUY "Crewman #6"... Call me Guy.

GWEN You... know us?

MATHESAR (soft laugh) I don't believe there is a man, woman or child on my planet who does not. In the years since we first received your ship's historical documents, we have studied every facet of your missions, technologies and strategies.

ALEXANDER Historical documents?

MATHESAR Yes. Eighteen years ago we received transmission of the first. It continued for four years, and then stopped, as mysteriously as it came...

TOMMY You've been watching the sho... (he's nudged by Jason) the historical records... out HERE?

MATHE EAR Yes, in the last hundred years our society had fallen into disarray. Our goals, our values had become scattered. But since the transmission we have modeled many aspects of our society from your example, and it has saved us. Your courage, teamwork, friendship through the adversity...

They all exchange glances.

MATHESAR (cont'd) In fact, all you see around you comes from the lessons garnered from the historical documents.

GWEN THAT'S why you built this ship?

GUY It's ... incredible.

JASON Oh this? No, this isn't the ship. This is only the star port for the ship. (a twinkle In his eye) You want to see the ship?

He pushes a button and a door opens leading to a DOCKING POD.


They enter. He pushes another button and the doors close, and the transport starts moving. As it clears a wall, we see out the window A MAGNIFICENT AND BREATHTAKING VIEW OF THE ENORMOUS NSEA PROTECTOR DOCKED IN FRONT OF TH~... They all gawk at the amazing sight, their eyes wide like children.

ALEXANDER Oh my god, It's real.

GWEN All this from watching the.. historical records?

MATHESAR Yes, and from your supplementary technical documents, of course...

He motions to another alien who withdraws a number of brightly colored BOOKS and BOXES from a backpack. The actors look through the various FAN BOOKS and ENTERTAINMENT SOFTWARE bearing such titles as "THE OFFICIAL GALAXY QUEST BLUEPRINTS: NSEA PROTECTOR" and "VIRTUAL GAAAXY QUEST: THE CDROM EXPERIENCE." The actors exchange glances and then... Tommy begins to giggle. Alex looks at him, at the fan stuff, then out at the ENORMOUS SHIP, and he begins to laugh too... The others join in laughing like maniacs, hysterical, disbelieving laughter, as they head toward the GIANT SHIP.


The group walks down the corridor, peeking into various rooms, more awestruck every second. As they pass each room, the CREW MEMBERS inside salute. FEMALE crew members pass occasionally, saluting and offering "Hello Commander's to Jason. This does not escape Gwen's notice.

(Guy always seems to be just outside the group, a little late, always trying to see between their heads...)

MATHESAR The medical quarters are to the left...

The actor's WHISPER to Jason, all at once...

TOMMY What the hell is going on?!!?

ALEXANDER Jason, what have you gotten us into?

GWEN I don't believe this, it's insane.

FRED Wow, the floors are REALLY clean.

JASON Calm down everybody. We're just here to negotiate General Sarris' surrender.


MATHESAR Weapons storage...

JASON It's perfectly safe. I promise.

MATHESAR ... Maintenance facility...

GWEN Jason, this is crazy! We should get out of here...

MATHESAR Situations room... Dining hall...

4/29/99 (GREEN)

JASON You want to go home? Fine. Say the word, and we'll all go home and feed the fish and pay the bills and fall asleep with the t.v. on and miss out on THIS. Is that really what you want? Anybody?

A beat. Clearly nobody wants to leave. A beat.

MATHESAR (cont'd) The main barracks...

TWO HUNDRED crewmen rise to attention. Jason salutes back.

JASON At ease men.

ALEXANDER (awed) Like throwing gasoline on a fire...

Alex turns to Guy, who is smiling ear to ear.

ALEXANDER (cont'd) What?

GUY I'm just jazzed to be on the show, man.'



The group enters. The centerpiece of the room is a large pulsating ORB. When the orb dims, we see its surface has a rocky texture, like a large boulder. Many TECHS scurry about tending to the surrounding measurement devices.

MATHESAR The generator room... Our Beryllium Sphere, of course... I hope, Tech Sergeant Chen, that this meets with your approval.

Fred runs his finger along a gleaming copper tube with authority.

FRED Fine... Real clean.

Three YOUNGER CREWMEN approach and whisper to Mathesar. They argue a bit, then Mathesar reticently approaches Fred.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

MATHESAR Tech Sgt. Chen, I am sorry to ask this of you so shortly after your arrival. But members of our reactor staff have a question they find most pressing.

FRED Uh huh?

LAHNK Sir, we have had unexplained proton surges in our delta unit. They cannot be verified on the sub frequency spectrum, but appear on the valence detector when scanning the Beryllium Sphere. We are unable to resolve this problem and were hoping you would be able to advise us.

Everyone turns to Fred. Silence.

FRED Uh huh... I see... Well, that's a puzzler isn't it?...

The others exchange glances, wondering what he'll say. Then Fred turns to one of the Techs.

FRED U.... What do you think?

NERVOUS TECH That possibly... The valence bonds have shifted bi-laterally?

FRED ... What does that mean?

NERVOUS TECH What does that mean?!!! Yes, I see! Yes... It means that perhaps... the... bonding molecules have become covalent?!...

FRED Covalent... Right. So...

NERVOUS TECH So our solution is to introduce a bonding substrate! - A two molecule compound sharing a free electron - and bombard the ions with their reflective isotopes!

4/29/99 (GREEN)


The other TECHS grin, astonished.

LANK Of course! It's so obvious!

TECH #2 Sergeant Chen, you're... a genius!

Fred waves off the praise modestly. Mathesar shoots a look to Lahnk as if to say "we're in good hands here."

MATHESAR Now I suggest that you rest before we take the ship out of dock. These crewmen will escort you to your quarters.

4/29/99 (GREEN)


4/29/99 (GREEN)



Tommy's escort NERU hands over various weapons to a grinning Tommy.

NERU Here is your valence shield. Your vox. Your magneto-pistol... We know you prefer a sensitive trigger. If there is anything else you require?

TOMMY Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks. (Neru starts to exit) Oh wait. Here you go.

Tommy stuffs a couple of bucks into Neru's hand. Neru looks at the tip, perplexed, and exits.


Alex's young escort, QUELLEK, leads him down the hall.

QUELLEK Dr. Lazarus... I hope that I'm not breaching protocol but.. I am so very humbled to stand in your presence... I have studied your missions extensively... Though I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy, by the code of the Mak'tar.

ALEXANDER Well good, that's very... nice.

QUELLEK (emotional) By Grabthar's Hammer, Dr. Lazarus, I-

ALEXANDER Don't do that. I'm not kidding.

QUELLEK I'm sorry, sir, I was only-

ALEXANDER Just don't.

QUELLEK ...Yes sir. (they come to a stop) Your quarters sir.


Quellek opens the door and they enter. The room is a grey square completely barren.

ALEXANDER This is it?

QUELLEK Yes sir. Marvelous, isn't it? Completely distractionless.

ALEXANDER Where's my bed?

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

Quellek pushes a button and SIX LARGE SPIKES rise from the floor.

QUELLEK Just as on your home planet, sir. If I may say, it took me three years to master the spikes, but now I sleep with a peace I never thought possible...

ALEXANDER Is that the bathroom?

QUELLEK Yes sir... The use of your waste facilities were strangely absent from the historical records, so we had to extrapolate purely on the basis of your anatomy.


They enter. Alex looks down at a thing that looks more like a torture device than a toilet, with elaborate 'tubes and stirrups and plugs going everywhere.

QUELLEK You're quite complicated, sir.

Alex stares at the thing, despairingly.



An exotic and beautiful room. Gwen is changing into her GALAXY QUEST uniform. There's a knock on the door.

JASON (O.S.) It's Jason...

GWEN One minute I'm - (he enters) Hey, I'm dressing.'

JASON Oh come on, it's not like I haven't-

She finishes and turns.

4/20/99 (BLUE)

They just look at each other for a moment. Gwen breaks out into a smile, trying to find the words.

JASON (cont'd) Yeah, I know.

GWEN I just can't believe it. Any of it! Look at this room!.. They designed it based on the Tuaran Pleasure ship from "historical document" thirty seven. (looks at a mirror) Oh and wait, wait, listen to this! (looks up) Computer?


GWEN What's the weather like outside?

COMPUTER There is no weather in space.

GWEN I never get tired of that joke.

JASON Let me try. Computer? (no response) Computer?...

GWEN Only answers to me.

JASON But I'm the Commander!

GWEN On the show I talk to the computer and repeat what it says. So that's what they built.

JASON C'mon, we're wanted up on the command deck.

But Gwen holds her ground.

GWEN Wait. When are you going to tell them?

4/20/99 (BLUE)

JASON Tell them? About...

GWEN Who we are. Don't you think they're going to be PISSED?

JASON Are you kidding? I'm not going to tell them.

4/20/99 (BLUE)

GWEN Well you have to tell them. What if something happens? We're actors, not astronauts... We can't do this stuff!

JASON It's not the STUFF. I mean, anybody can learn the STUFF... The important thing is COMMITMNT. 99% of anything is just committing to it.

GWEN Ninty-nine percent of ACTING is commitment. ACTING. Stella Adler never manned a resonance cannon, she taught ACTING...

Gwen moves toward the door.

JASON Hey... Hey where are you going?

GWEN We have no right to do this. They deserve to know.

JASON Gwen... Gwen, c'mon, wait, no!

Just then the door opens. Laliari enters.

LALIARI Lt. Madison. The females of the ship have requested your imprint for archival purposes at the proposed Tawny Madison Institute for Computer Research.

Gwen looks at Laliari, her eyes softening as she imprints her hand in a glowing PAD.

GWEN The Tawny Madison Institute...

Jason smiles. He knows he's got her.

GWEN (cont'd) Well... maybe we could stay a LITTLE longer...

She brushes past Jason, and they exit.

4/6/99 (PINK)


Jason and Gwen turn a corner and join up with Tommy, Alexander and Guy. They keep walking toward the command deck.

TOMMY What's going on?

JASON I think we're going to exit the space port.

GUY That should be something to see...


They enter and gawk at the familiar hub, waiting for the show to start... not realizing they ARE the show.

MATHESAR If you would all take your positions...

THE ACTORS Oh, right... US! Yes, of course... US!

They take their positions, marveling at the familiar control panels in front of them. Tommy turns to Guy.

TOMMY Look.. This thingy... I remember I had it all worked out. This was forward, back...

MATHESAR Commander, some of the crew has requested to be present at this historic event.

Mathesar motions and a few CREWMEN enter, followed by a dozen more... followed by FIFTY more. They stand around the periphery of 'the room, watching eagerly. Tommy turns to Guy.

TOMMY No pressure, huh? Glad I'm not the Commander.

COMMANDER Okay, Lareo, take her out.

Everyone in the room turns their attention to Tommy. His sarcastic smile drops. He looks mortified.

TOMMY Excuse me?

JASON They designed the ship from watching you. So... Take her out, Lieutenant...

Tommy stares down at his control panel. It's pretty self explanatory, a throttle and a circular dial for direction. But daunting nonetheless.

TOMMY Right. Okay, yeah, sure.

Everyone's eyes are glued to him as he moves the throttle forward slightly. The ENGINES COME TO LIFE, a massive exhilarating sound. Tommy giggles nervously. His hand trembles as he pushes the throttle further. The ship start to move. The actors exchange worried glances.

TOMMY Oh god. Oh my god....


You can feel the WEIGHT of 'the giant craft as it eases forward, sliiding through the sides of the dock.


Everyone watches the forward monitor. Tommy turns the NAVIGATION DIAL slowly. Guy whispers to him...

GUY More to the left... Stay parallel...

TOMMY Hey, YOU want to drive?


Indeed, the ship is slightly off course... It's like trying to get out of a tight parking space with concrete walls to either side. And the ship is veering ever so slightly into one of the walls.

4/29/99 (GREEN)


Tommy turns the dial to correct... But it looks like the momentum might carry the ship into the wall anyway... Tommy PEGS the dial to the left... The others hold their breath as the bow of the ship moves closer and closer to the wall... Then... It TOUCHES. The sound of a soft but high pitched SCRAAAAAAAPE.

TOMMY Oh shit.


The ship is stopped, just grazing the wall EVER SO SLIGHTLY.


All eyes are on Tommy. He doesn't know what to do... Should he continue forward, or back up, and scrape again for sure? The classic parking lot dilemma, magnified by ten thousand. Tommy grasps the throttle and moves it slightly forward... SCRAAAAAAPE. He keeps going, in too deep to back out now... And the ship continues to SCRAAAAAPE for a couple of horrible seconds as it completes the curve... And then it is free. The beautiful craft glides slowly out to open space... Jason and the others let out a sigh of relief.

JASON Very good Lieutenant. Forward Mark two...

Tommy smiles, relieved. He pushes throttle to the "2".

TOMMY Mark two, Commander.


The ship glides out to space, only a relatively minor scrape of the paint job to show for the incident.


The crew and various aliens sit around the large table, eating an extravagant meal. Mathesar makes a toast.

MATHESAR To our brave guests. Few in this universe have the opportunity to meet their heroes. We are blessed to count ourselves among them.

4/29/99 (GREEN)

JASON Wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there, this fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up, never surrender!

Everyone clinks glasses. Quellek tips his glass to Alexander as Teb turns to Tommy.

TEB We are sorry about the instrumentation, Lt. Laredo. There must have been a malfunction in the steerage mechanism.

TOMMY (stern) Just see that it doesn't happen again.

TEB Yes sir. (to Gwen) How are you enjoying your food, Lt. Madison?

GWEN Oh it's fantastic. French is my favorite.

TEB Yes, we programed the food synthesizer for each of you based on the regional menu of your birthplace. (turns to Alexander) Are you enjoying your Kep-mok bloodticks Dr. Lazarus?

Alexander, miserable, toys with a bowl of living insects swimming in a disgustingly vomit-textured broth.

ALEXANDER Just like mother used to make.

He pushes the bowl away, nauseated.



The actors are wilted, half asleep as Jason goes on...

JASON The beast ROARED as I PLUNGED the knife again and again... I held on for dear life as it thrashed about! And that was (MORE)

4/29/99 (GREEN)

JASON (cont'd) the day : learned that a Kilve Serpent bleeds red. (beat) What price man? What price man?

ALEXANDER Tell me, Mathesar, this Sarris bloke we're flying to meet... What is it he wants exactly?

MATHESAR For years, Sarris has plundered the resources of our planet. Our people, our technologies. We built this ship in order to find a new planet to settle. One far away from Sarris. We are not a people accustomed to confrontation. We are scientists. This ship was our salvation.

A tick jumps off of Alexander's spoon back into the soup.

MATHESAR But Sarris found out about our plans just as we had completed construction of the (MORE)

4/26/99 (PINK)

MATHESAR (cont'd) Protector II. He heard about the device... The Omega 13.

GUY The Omega 13... Why does that sound so familiar?...

GWEN The lost footage. At the convention. The mysterious device in our last episo--historical document.

TOMMY What is it? What does it do?

MATHESAR We don't know.

GWEN But... You built one, right?

TEB We built... something... from the blueprints and what references we could find on your internet... Our computer neural nets made educated guesses in areas we were uncertain. So there is actually much about the device we don't even understand. We were hoping you could enlighten us.

JASON Well, it's... This was a device we... (looks around for help) discovered on an alien planet. We don't know what it does either.

TOMMY Why don't you just turn it on and see?

TEB It has at its heart a reactor capable of generating unthinkable energy. If we were mistaken in our construction by even the slightest calculation, the device would act as a molecular explosive, causing a chain reaction that would obliterate all matter in the universe.

ALEXANDER Let me at the switch.

4/26/99 (PINK)

JASON Mathesar?. .. Has Sarris seen the.. historical records?

MATHESAR NO, Thank God he has not.

JASON Then how did he find out about the device?

MATHESAR Our former Commander was not... Strong.

JASON Former Commander?

MATHESAR I'm sorry. You deserve to be shown.

He nods to a Crewman who pushes a button. A wall panel moves aside to reveal a large VIEWSCREEN. An image appears with a lot of static, and the sound cuts in and out...

MATHESAR The tape was partially demagnetized as it was smuggled off of Sarris' ship.

But through the static we can make out an image: The former Commander, in ALIEN form, Is strapped to a metal board. Each of his wrists and ankles is secured with mechanical devices and twisted in different directions.

MATHESAR Originally, one of our own tried to lead...

ONSCREEN Sarris stands over the alien with a control panel.

SARRIS (ON MONITOR) Is that all? You have no more to confess to me? No? After three days of this you still require incentive?

Sarris moves switches on the panel. The device pulls at the alien's limbs, twisting them horribly. Bones crackle.

ALIEN COMMANDER (ON MONITOR) I say again... I have told you all I know. To my shame, I have told you everything. If you have any mercy within you, please, let me die.

4/28/99 (YELLOW)

SARRIS Oh I shall, I shall... When I grow weary of the noises you make, my little plaything, be assured, you shall die...

Sarris toys with his control panel. Mercifully the screen fuzzes up with static and we can only HEAR the bone chilling SCREAMS...

We PAN around the table, past GWEN, ALEXANDER, TOMMY, GUY...Their mouths open in horror as they watch the screen. Camera stops on JASON. He stares, the blood draining from his face.


The actors walk down the hallway behind Jason, panicked.

GWEN We're leaving, Jason. We're leaving NOW.

JASON Let me think. I need time to think.


TOMMY No, Jason, that's a wrap! There's nothing to think about!

GUY Listen, I'm not even supposed to BE here. I'm just Crewman #6. I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove that the situation is serious! I'm leaving NOW.

Mathesar comes running up, looking distressed.

MATHESAR Commander...

JASON Mathesar, I need you to prepare pods for my crew.

GWEN Your crew? What about you?

Jason looks torn. He starts to say something, but-

4/28/99 (YELLOW)

MATHESAR Begging your Commander's pardon, sir, but we cannot launch pods at the moment. Sarris will surely detonate any objects leaving the ship. (beat) Yes sir, he's (MORE)

4/26/99 (PINK)

MATHESAR (cont'd) here now. Your presence is required on the command deck.

Everyone reacts, alarmed, and we


The actors enter the empty deck followed by Mathesar.

GWEN There's nobody here. Jason...

JASON Mathesar, maybe we should get some of your crew up here.

MATHESAR I thank you for your consideration to our pride, but while my people are talented scientists our attempts to operate our own technologies under tactical simulation have been disastrous.

He leans over to Gwen's computer station as she sits, and pushes a button.

MATHESAR I have raised Sarris on zeta frequency.

GWEN Uh... Great. Thanks.

JASON Still, Mathesar, your crew may nonetheless be helpful in certain-

But he is interrupted by the sight of SARRIS appearing on the large VIEWSCREEN. Sarris now wears a metal eyepatch, and has a long scar across his cheek.

SARRIS We meet again Commander.

The crew stares at Sarris. A frightening visage.

JASON Yes... Hi Sarris... How are you doing?

SARRIS Better than my Lieutenant. He failed to activate ship's neutron armor as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter.

He brings into view a stake with the impaled head of his former Lieutenant.

JASON Right. Well... Listen, I'm (laughs) I'm sorry about that whole... thing.. before. It was kind of a misunderstanding. I'm sure we can work this out like reasonable people... How's the uh... (motions to his eyepatch) ... that going to heal up? God, I hope so, I feel just awful about that.

SARRIS Deliver the device now or I will destroy your ship.

JASON Listen, I'd like to, but frankly.. I'm not even sure where it is, or even...

SARRIS You have ten seconds.

JASON All right. You got it. You win. I'll deliver it now. Just give me a moment to set it up.

Jason motions to Gwen to cut the transmission. Gwen nods.

JASON All right, now nobody panic, I've dealt with this guy before and believe me, he's as stupid as he is ugly.

GWEN Jason..

JASON We're going to fire everything we've got at him, all right?


JASON You just keep pushing those buttons, those there, send everything at him, okay?

Guy looks at the buttons labeled with icons of armaments.

GUY ...Okay

JASON All right. Put me back on with him.

GWEN I'm trying to tell you. You ARE on with him.

SARRIS Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander.

Jason turns to Gwen horrified.

JASON I made the CUT THE LINE gesture. You nodded okay.'

GWEN I thought It was the "We're dead" gesture! I was agreeing! Like I know where the hold button is???

JASON (nervous jovial) Listen, Sarris, you can't blame me for trying...

SARRIS Of course not...

GUY Guys... Red thingy moving toward the green thingy. Red thingy moving toward the green thingy!


Guy motions to the radar screen. The red blip is about to impact.

GUY I think we're the green thingy.

SARRIS A present for you, Commander.

COMMANDER Shit. Turn. Gun it' Get out of-

The shit is POUNDED BY A TORPEDO BLAST. Now, unlike the "run back and forth" shake-the-camera explosions of the TV show, the result here is jarringly BRUTAL, like side-slamming a Hummer at 70mph. The entire crew goes FLYING from their positions and into the walls. The lights FLICKER.

They exchange glances, for the first time, bona fide FEAR In their eyes. This is REAL. Then ANOTHER blast sends them crumpled against walls and objects like rag dolls. The pain is palpable as they try to get back to their stations.

JASON We've gotta get out of here!

Tommy looks at the sparkling map of lights on his dash.

TOMMY Where?


Tommy punches the red button. They all hold on for dear life as the ship roars forward, across the path of Sarris' ship.

GWEN They're turning. They're COMING.

An explosion rocks the ship. Then another, and ANOTHER...

COMPUTER The ship is sustaining structural damage.

GWEN Guys, we're sustaining structural damage!...

JASON Faster Tommy. Get us out of here!

TOMMY It's as far as it goes!

GUY They're still behind us...

JASON We should have a turbo. I'm always saying "activate turbo boosters", right?...

TOMMY Could be this.

JASON Push It. Hold it down.

He pushes the turbo. The ship begins to VIBRATE.

COMPUTER The enemy is matching velocity.

GWEN The enemy is matching velocity.

ALEXANDER We heard it the first time!

GWEN Shit! I'm doing it! I'm repeating the damn computer!

Suddenly an image of Fred down in the generator room appears on the side viewscreen. He's taking it all in stride.

FRED Hi guys. Listen, they're telling me that the generators won't take it, the ship's breaking apart and all that. Just FYI.

The viewscreen goes black. The ship ROARS forward.

ALEXANDER We've got to stop!

JASON We stop we die. Keep holding the thruster down Tommy!

ALEXANDER You don't hold a thruster down! It's for quick boosts

JASON Like YOU know?

The ship GROANS and CREAKS. Then a loud KLAXON sounds.

GWEN I remember that sound! That's a bad sound!

Jason looks forward. In the distance is an amorphous MASS...

JASON Maybe we can lose them in that cloud.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

GWEN I don't think that's a cloud...

As they approach, the "cloud" reveals itself to actually be thousands upon thousands of SLOWLY ROTATING OCTAHEDRONS.

JASON Mathesar? What is that?

MATHESAR It's the Tothian mine field left standing from the Great War of 12185.

Their jaws drop as they see the vast array of MINES.

ALEXANDER May I get the check?

GWEN The ships are gaining...

JASON Do your best, Tommy...

TOMMY Oh god...

THE FIRST MINE HITS, ROCKING THE SHIP... BOOM! Tommy SWERVES to avoid it, running into another mine. Then another. Tommy couldn't do worse if he were aiming for them.

ALEXANDER Could you possibly try (BOOM!) not to hit (BOOM!) every (BOOM!) single (BOOM!) one!

TOMMY They're drifting toward me... I think they're magnetic!...


The ship HURTLES FORWARD through the mine field, taking considerable damage as the mines impact. PIECES of the ship fall off behind it...


Calm, Sarris watches the PROTECTOR fly into the almost certain death of the mine field. His LIEUTENANT flies ahead eagerly.

LATHE Continue forward, sir?

SARRIS Patience, Lt. . Patience.


JASON We're almost through... Come on... Hold...

The ship is now VIBRATING HORRIBLY. It GROANS and CREAKS hen.. RIVETS start to POP sending DEADLY PROJECTILES flying.







And then suddenly a LOUD GRINDING noise. Then SILENCE. The vibrating stops. Gwen looks up from her radar screen.

ALEXANDER What's happened?

TOMMY The engines are dead. We're drifting.

JASON Are they behind us?

GWEN No, I don't think so... Wait. They're not but... Something is. (beat) Oh my god.

They look out the rear view screen to see... TWO DOZEN MAGNETIC MINES BEARING DOWN ON THEM IN A CLUSTER.


They barely have time to brace themselves as the ship is ROCKED by WAVES of explosions. They hit the floor and try to ride it out. It's brutal...

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)


The last of the mines explodes and the ship is sent tumbling lifelessly end over end through space. The exterior lights are dark. The once shiny hull now blackened and ragged.


The deck looks dead and empty. Smoke is in the air. The lights are dim. The sirens have stopped. It's completely silent. The crew slowly emerges from behind panels and equipment, bruised and bloodied. Jason moves to Gwen.

JASON Are you all right? (she nods, rising) Tommy. Where's Tommy?

They hear a GROAN. Tommy is crumpled against the wall, his arm twisted impossibly. He's in agony.

TOMMY It's broke... Oh God... Oh God...

MATHESAR I'll take him to medical quarters.

They exit, limping. Alexander rises, moves past Jason. Blood trickles down his forehead. In a mocking tone...

ALEXANDER "Go into the cloud! ...

GWEN Alex? Where are you going?

ALEXANDER To see if there's a pub.

He exits. The others turn to Jason, their faces sooty, their clothing torn and bloody.


The crew sits around the room, licking their wounds. Alexander nurses a blue beverage. Tommy examines a high tech metallic cast on his arm.

COMPUTER ...Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage... Left vector guards, 96% damage... Level 5 structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40, 43, 58...

4/20/99 (BLUE)


And the engines?

GWEN Computer, what about our engines? Why don't we have power?

COMPUTER The Beryllium Sphere has fractured under stress.

GWEN It's fractured...

JASON Can it be repaired?

GWEN Computer, can it be repaired?

COMPUTER Negative. The Beryllium sphere will have to be replaced.

GWEN We need another one.

GUY Shit, the Beryllium sphere. That's bad...

ALEXANDER (to Jason) You broke the ship. You broke the bloody SHIP! I told you you don't hold down a turbo. You push it once, maybe twice for a boost but you don't HOLD it.

JASON Do we have a replacement Beryllium sphere onboard?

GWEN Computer, do we have a replacement Beryllium sphere onboard?

COMPUTER Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists onboard.

GWEN No, we don't have an extra Beryllium sphere.

4/26/99 (PINK)

TOMMY You know, that's really getting annoying.

GWEN (deadly) I have ONE job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to DO it. GOT IT?

TOMMY (intimidated) Sure, no problem.

Suddenly the door opens and seven Aliens enter, led by Mathesar. They look VERY SERIOUS. Guy exchanges an "uh oh" glance with Tommy... But the aliens fall to one knee, lowering their heads.

MATHESAR A thousand apologies. We have failed you.

JASON You what?.. What are you talking about?

MATHESAR (wracked with sadness) We have seen you victorious in many more desperate situations. The fault must lie with us, with the ship...

Gwen shoots Jason a glance... TELL THEM.

JASON No... Listen, Mathesar. it's not your fault. We're... We're... .....

He can't bring himself to finish.

GWEN We're not the people you think we are.

MATHESAR I don't understand.

ALEXANDER Mathesar, don't you have television on your planet? Theater? Films?

MATHESAR The historical documents of your culture... Yes, in fact we have begun to (MORE)

4/28/99 (YELLOW)

MATHESAR (cont'd) document our own history, from your example...

GWEN No not historical documents... They're not all historical documents... I mean... surely you don't think Gilligan's Island is a...

Mathesar and the others exchange sad glances...

MATHESAR Those poor people...

TOMMY Hoo boy...

Mathesar and the others exchange quizzical looks.

GWEN Does no one on your planet behave in a way that is contrary to reality?

MATHESAR Ah. You speak of...

Unable to bring the words to mind, he confers with his fellows.

MATHESAR "Deception..." "Lies."

JASON Well... Sort of...

MATHESAR We have become aware of these concepts only recently. In our dealings with Sarris. Often Sarris will say one thing, and do another. Promise us mercy and deliver destruction... It is a concept we are beginning to learn at some great cost. (a worried beat) But if you are saying that any of you could have traits in common with Sarris.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

He starts to laugh, and the other aliens join in.

MATHESAR You are our protectors... Our heroes. You will save us.

Suddenly a VIEWSCREEN lights and we see Fred on the monitor from down in the generator room.

FRED (ON SCREEN) Hey Commander. Listen, we found some Beryllium on a nearby planet. We might be able to get there if we re-configure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What do you think?

JASON I...Well, uh... Yes, absolutely.

Fred turns to two young TECHS next to him, then licks and sticks two sticky GOLD STARS onto their wrists. They beam.

FRED Correct! Gold star for you and a gold star for you...


The ship lumbers slowly forward. In the distance we see the swirling globe of a colorful and mysterious PLANET.


Jason, Gwen, Tommy, Fred and Guy enter the small surface pod. Quellek, Alexander's protege, steps forward, hands Alex a device.

QUELLEK Dr. Lazarus, here is your surface mapper. I have programed it to the coordinates of a Beryllium Sphere of sufficient density.


QUELLEK (emotional) Good luck on your mission, Sir. By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan I wish you-

ALEXANDER (holds up a warning finger) Uh uh! What did we talk about?

QUELLEK Right... Sorry, sir.


Tommy pilots the craft as the pod approaches the beautiful and mysterious planet. Guy looks out the window nervously.

GUY I changed my mind. I want to go back.

ALEXANDER After the big fuss you made about not getting left behind on the ship?

GUY Yeah, but that's when I thought maybe was the crewman that stays on the shin and something is up there and it kills me, but now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet...

JASON Guy, you're not going to get killed on the planet, okay?

GUY Oh, I'm not? I'm not? Then what's my last name?

JASON Your last name.


GUY Yeah, what is it?

JASON It's... I don't know.

GUY No. Nobody does. Do you know WHY? Because my character Isn't IMPORTANT enough for a last name. Because I'm going to DIE five minutes in, why bother to come up with a last name for me?

GWEN Guy, you HAVE a last name. We just don't KNOW it.

GUY Do I? DO I? For all you know I'm just "CREWMAN #6"! (hysterical) Okay, it's FLEEGMAN! Guy FLEEGMAN! There! Now I'm a whole person! I can't die! FLEEGMAN! THEY CAN'T KILL ME NOW, CAN THEY? CAN THEY?

Jason slaps him.

GUY See? I'm the hysterical guy who needs to be slapped, and then I die!

ALEXANDER (sighs) Are we there yet?


The pod makes its way toward the surface.


The ship shakes as it lands. Everyone exchanges anxious glances. As they set down everyone applauds, complimenting Tommy on the landing. Tommy looks away, shamed.

TOMMY Autopilot.

Everyone looks away, disappointed. Suddenly the HATCH opens with a loud PHHHHT of air decompression. Fred has opened it.

GUY What are you doing! You don't just open the door! It's an alien planet! Is there air!? You don't know, do you!

3/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

Fred sniffs the air.

FRED Seems okay.

Guy sighs.


The six exit the craft tentatively. Guy looks around, apprehensive.

JASON Which way, Alex?

Alexander looks down at his mapper.

ALEXANDER This way... Wait, no, that way...

They turn in the opposite direction.

TOMMY You were holding it upside down weren't you?


TOMMY You know, with the makeup and everything1 I actually thought he was smart for a second.

ALEXANDER You think you could do better "Laredo?"

TOMMY Hey, watch that "Laredo" shit.

GUY We're screwed... We're so screwed...

JASON All right, let's all settle down. If we're going to get through this we're going to have to exercise self control.

GWEN Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Moon Princess and Terrakian slave girl on the show!...

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

JASON Did it ever occur to you that if you had been a little more supportive you could have held on to me?

GWEN I could have held on to YOU! ...

ALEXANDER We re really going to do this HERE?



It's darker here, more menacing. Jagged cliff overhangs form spooky shapes. Guy looks around nervously.

JASON How much further?

Alexander measures the distance on the device between his fingers and holds them up.

ALEXANDER About this much.

JASON What's the scale? Is that ten miles? A hundred miles?


Guy glances back to see the rocky trench they just passed through. The ROCK SHAPES jutting from the walls look vaguely like arms and hands...

Suddenly Guy YELLS as he drops out of frame. The others turn to see him on the ground, struggling, his foot lodged in a crevice in the landscape.

GUY It's got me it's got me! See? FIVE MINUTES! I told you!

Jason runs back and starts to help extricate Guy. He pulls his foot free and looks around.

GUY Something grabbed me! IT DID.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

The others shake their heads and continue forward. Guy rises, trying to put his shoe back on as he runs to catch up.

JASON Easy son. It's just your imagination. Hang tough.

He clasps Guy's shoulder in a commanderly way.

GWEN You're playing your good side.

JASON Don't be ridiculous.

ALEXANDER And note the sucked in gut.

TOMMY ...Sleeves rolled halfway up the biceps...

FRED It's the rugged pose.

The all nod in agreement. Jason is about to object, when suddenly everyone is stopped in their tracks by SPOOKY ALIEN WHISPERING and the sound of CRITTERS climbing around the surrounding cliffs.

GUY That's it, that's what's going to kill me.

JASON Let's just pick up the pace a little, shall we?


They climb to the crest, out of breath. Guy arrives last. They clear the ridge and Look down onto


Below there is a small ABANDONED MINING FACILITY. Wind WHISTLES through various structures and power stations. In the center of the outpost sits a large shimmering boulder.

JASON There it is. The Beryllium sphere.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

ALEXANDER Must be some sort of mining facility.

GWEN Where are the miners?

GUY Something BAD happened here.

TOMMY Will you relax?

Suddenly they become aware of a SMALL BLUE CREATURE emerging from one of the structures. It's blue and looks somewhat like a human child. It moves to a small pool of water and begins drinking. Its movements are very quiet and tentative. Then a few more BLUE CHILDREN emerge and join the first.

GWEN (smiling, amazed) Look at that... Will you LOOK at that... They look like little children...

ALEXANDER Could they be the miners?

FRED Sure. They're like, three years old.


He pronounces the two words exactly the same. Fred looks at Alex like he's crazy.

FRED You Okay, Alex?

GUY I don't like this... I don't like this at all...

GWEN Oh, they're so cute.

GUY Of course they're cute NOW. But in a second they're going to turn MEAN and UGLY somehow and then there are going to be a million MORE of them!...

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

Then another blue creature emerges. This one limps, its leg is hurt. It moves forward, DRAGGING its bad foot along the ground, making NOISE.

EVERYONE Awwww..... It's hurt...

Gwen rises up a little, tentatively waving at Limpy...

GWEN Hi!... Hi there little guy...

Guy PUSHES her down behind the rock before the creatures notice.

GUY Jesus, didn't ANY of you watch the show!?

The BLUE CHILDREN turn toward Limpy, and begin whispering in an alien tongue...

ALIEN CHILDREN Gorignak... Gorignak.... Nak nak!

GWEN Aw, look. They're helping the hurt one...

Indeed the others move to the hurt creature, cocking their heads to the side empathetically...

Then suddenly we see the aliens SMILE with SHARP RAZOR TEETH, their mouths SPREADING OUT IMPOSSIBLY ON THEIR FACES. They DESCEND on LIMPY, ripping him apart. We only see a GEYSER OF BLOOD from the center of the blue circle.... Our group is silent, horrified.

GUY I am SO SICK of being right.

GWEN (stunned horror) Let's get out of here before one of those things kills guy.

JASON We gotta get that sphere, or we aren't going anywhere.

Reluctantly, they all nod in agreement.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

JASON All right... here's the plan: First, Fred, we need a diversion to clear those things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.

GWEN Why does this sound so familiar?

TOMMY "Assault on Voltareck III." Episode... 31 I think.

GUY We're doing episode 31?

TOMMY Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.

GWEN How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?

GUY We're doing episode 31, Jason?

JASON It doesn't have to be a hologram... Just a diversion.

GUY Jason, are we doing Episode 31 or not?

JASON It's a rough plan, Guy! What does it matter if we're doing episode 31 or not?!


ALEXANDER (interrupting) This is ludicrous. Why are you listening to this man? Must I remind you that he is wearing a costume, not a uniform?... He's no more equipped to lead us than THIS fellow. (motions to Guy) No offense.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

TOMMY You have a better plan, Alex?

ALEXANDER As a matter of fact, I do. Look at their eyes. They're obviously nocturnal. Come sundown they will go into the forest to hunt. So our plan is simply to wait for nightfall instead of mounting an insane assault in full daylight simply because we did it that way in episode 31.'

The others look convinced. Jason looks down, defeated. Everyone starts to settle in to wait for SUNDOWN.


Two hours later, the SUN is setting. Everyone rises to begin their assault, as the last glow sinks Into the horizon. They start forward when... THE SECOND SUN (the BIG one) rises up behind them, lighting the planet brightly. The actors turn to Alexander who looks away, sheepishly. Jason smiles, vindicated, and stands, back in charge.

JASON As I was saying... Fred, we need some sort of diversion. Some sort of Hologram or optical illusion or...

He looks at Fred, who looks up at him, completely lost.

FRED A hologram...

JASON (gently) Never mind, Fred....

FRED No, no... I'll think on it...

GWEN Jason, look.

They all look down to see that the blue demons have already deserted the complex.

TOMMY They're gone.

GUY Where'd they go? Back inside?

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

GWEN I don't know.


JASON All right, Gwen, Alex, Fred, follow me. Guy, set up the perimeter. Tommy, you keep a lookout, make a signal if they come back.

TOMMY What kind of signal?

JASON Anything.

TOMMY Okay, I'll do this... (barely audible) "Caw Caw!"

JASON Tommy, we have these...

He motions to his vox.

TOMMY Oh, right, sorry.

JASON Okay, let's go.

Jason, Gwen, Alex and Fred start down the hillside leaving Tommy and Guy alone. They stand there for a second, looking at each other.

TOMMY You have no idea what a perimeter is, do you?

GUY Not a clue. You?

TOMMY I think he just likes pointing at things.

68 OMIT 68


Jason is in full action mode... He uses dramatic commando tactics he's acted on the show, such as ducking behind a

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

rock, peeking out, rolling on the ground to the next rock. Gwen, Alex and Fred just stroll down casually behind him.

GWEN How does the rolling help, actually?

JASON It helps.

A beat.

GWEN Where's your gun?

He pats his hip, the gun is gone. It has obviously fallen over the cliff in his roll.

ALEXANDER "It helps."


Tommy keeps a lookout through the binoculars: Below, Jason and the others sneak into the compound and head toward the sphere. The abandoned compound is spooky. A battered metal door sways in the wind with a CREAK

GWEN Those blue things ate everybody here?

ALEXANDER It doesn't make sense... Surely they could have fortified the compound against those creatures...

Fred passes a metal console with a number of broken viewscreens... One, however is partially intact. Fred pushes a button and the viewscreen lights up with a blurry VIDEO PLAYBACK of MAYHEM: Through a DUSTSTORM we see a number of ALIEN MINERS run panicked through the compound. We hear thunderous CRASHES, like FOOTSTEPS A TERRIFIED MINER - face wrapped in cloth except for the eyes - stares into the camera, mumbling, out of his mind with fear.

MINER Gorignak!... Gorignak!...

The image goes blank... The actors look at each other.

JASON Anybody want to wait around to find out what a "Gorignak" is?


5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

JASON (cont'd)

   (they shake their heads "no")

Let's do this.

GWEN Clenched jaw...

JASON Will you stop RIDING ME?!


Tommy looks down onto the compound with binoculars to see Jason and the others below moving toward the beryllium sphere. He PANS to the compound. Good, no blue children.

GUY I know what it is... I know what it is... It's not what's ON the planet. It IS the planet...

As Guy continues to babble his theory, TOMMY pans back and forth between JASON and the others at the SPHERE, and the deserted COMPLEX... Jason and the others start to ROLL the sphere. It moves forward with a ....... We PAN OVER to see a blue HAND emerge from one of the structures... Tommy looks concerned.

GUY (O.S.) There's a life force here. The blue things... Did you see how they moved? Careful. Quiet. Like they didn't want something DISTURBED....


TOMMY Oh. Shit.


Jason and the others strain to push the boulder toward the incline.

JASON C'mon, push! Never give up, never surrender!

EVERYONE Oh shut up!..

Suddenly they all FREEZE as they notice the returning DEMONS. The monsters gather around them, forming a vicious circle of slavering teeth. Silence for a beat, then:

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD) QA.

TOMMY ON VOX (0.5.) Caw! Caw!


Suddenly a series of MAGNITO-PISTOL BLASTS ring out, melting random pieces of equipment, walls and putting holes in the walkways... The aliens SCATTER for cover. Gwen and the others turn to see TOMMY coming with the gun in his hand, followed by Guy.

TOMMY Sorry Guys... It just went off.

JASON Good work, Tommy. Let's go!

They PUSH the over the lip of the incline. It starts to roll on its own...


Jason and the others run with all their might to keep up with the sphere. Jason looks over his shoulder then turns forward.

JASON Don't look back. DO NOT look back.

Gwen can't resist. She looks back to see... HUNDREDS OF BLUE

  • DEMONS coming over the hillside like a TIDAL WAVE.


The actors roll the sphere to the pod and up the pod ramp. But the boulder now blocks the pod door. Gwen helps Guy inside, then squeezes through herself, followed by Tommy. Alexander and Jason both motion each other forward.


JASON You go first! There's no time!

ALEXANDER Oh, of course, I forgot! YOU have to be the hero, don't you?... Heaven forbid anyone else get the spotlight once! Oh no, Jason Nesmith couldn't possibly-

Jason cold cocks him, knocking him unconscious and lifts him through, then starts to squeeze through himself.

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)


JASON Tommy, I'm in, push go now!

Tommy pushes the button when suddenly Jason is GRABBED BY THE ANKLE by FIVE PAIRS OF DEMON HANDS and dragged back outside just as the door closes behind him.

GWEN Oh my god! Tommy! Stop the pod! Stop the pod!

TOMMY I can't... It's on autopilot!...

As they pod ascends they all move to the window to watch horrified as Jason disappears into the middle of the huge blue mob that surrounds him. Alexander regains consciousness, looks around.

ALEXANDER He knocked me out the sonofabitch. Where is he?

GWEN (horrified) Down there.

Alexander joins the others, looks down at the blue mob below.

ALEXANDER Oh right, of course... It's always about YOU, isn't it?!


Back at the surface Jason is surrounded by the menacing DEMONS, who stare down at him with their chilling SMILES. Their strange whispered language is translated into SUBTITLES.

DEMON #1 What do you suppose it is?

DEMON #2 (momentarily introspective) I don't know. Strange, it looks like a child.

DEMON #1 What should I do?

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

DEMON #2 Hit it with a rock. Then we'll eat it.

Demon #1 lifts a rock and Jason doesn't have time to object before the demon CLUBS him. They lean in, their mouths opening for the kill when a SHADOW washes over them. A Blue Demon looks up over his shoulder, TERRIFIED. He whispers a meek...

DEMON Gorignak...


The pod door opens and Gwen, Alexander and the others exit, out of breath. They're greeted three of the Generator Room Techs, as well as Teb.

GWEN We got the Sphere but the Commander's down there with a bunch of cannibals! Teb, reset the pod, we're going back.

TOMMY That thing's not going to get us down there fast enough. Face it, he's dead.

GWEN Wait, Fred, what about your thing, you know... "Digitize me, Sergeant Chen!"

FRED ...The digital conveyor.

GUY Of course... We'll just zap him up with the digital conveyor!

TOMMY Do we have one of those, Teb?

Teb nods. They exit running. Fred looks a little unsure...

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)


Gwen, Alexander, Fred, Tommy, Guy and the technician Teb run down the hallway. Huffing, Alexander turns to Gwen.

ALEXANDER You said "the Commander.

GWEN What?

ALEXANDER Back there. You said "the Commander is down there with a bunch of cannibals."

GWEN No I didn't.

ALEXANDER Yes you did.

TOMMY I heard it too.

GWEN Is this really the most important thing we could be talking about right now?


Jason lies unconscious on the ground. We hear a SNORT and see his shoulder moved by a large alien SNOUT. Jason opens his eyes to see a GRUNTING BEAST, like an oversized pig but

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

somewhat reptilian. From above along the rock walls Jason can hear the sound of the blue demons WHISPERING...

DEMONS Gorignak... Gorignak.

Jason rises quickly, reaches for his gun, but it's gone. Looking for a weapon, he quickly removes his shirt and SNAPS it at the beast, trying to drive it away. The beast CHOMPS at him, holding its territory. Suddenly Gwen's voice sounds.

GWEN (ON VOX) Jason.. Can you hear me?

JASON Yes. Yes, I'm here!


Gwen, Alexander and the others watch Jason on a viewscreen.

GWEN Thank God. Are you okay?

JASON Yeah. But I've got Gorignak staring me in the face. I think I can take it though...

GWEN Jason, we're going to use the digital conveyer to get you out of there.

Jason swipes at the pig lizard. It HISSES at him petulantly.

JASON The digital conveyer? You mean I'm going to get diced into cubes and sorted up there in a thousand pieces?

FRED Right.

JASON I'll take my chances with Gorignak.

The pig Lizard NIPS at Jason. Jason throws a rock at it.

GWEN Jason, we've got to get you out of there. It's perfectly safe, isn't it, Teb?

TEB It has never been successfully tested.

JASON What? What did he say?

GWEN Nothing. Hold please.

She switches off the vox, they turn to Teb.

TEB Theoretically the mechanism is fully operational. However, it was built to accommodate your anatomy, not ours. Our actual hands are six fingered and jointed ninety degrees to yours. But now that Sergeant Chen is here he can operate it... It was designed watching his motions from the historical records.

Everyone turns to Fred. For the first time, he looks a little apprehensive. He laughs nervously.

FRED Well I mean I can't... I can supervise of course, but...

ALEXANDER (TO VOX) Jason, we're going to test it.

JASON Okay... On what?

TOMMY How about the pig-lizard?

JASON Hey I was doing okay with the pig lizard.

Alexander and the others move aside to let Fred at the control panel. The controls are complicated, and fit Fred's hand like metal gloves. Teb GASPS as he grasps the controls.

TEB I'm sorry. It is very exciting to see the master at the controls. The operation of the conveyer is more art than science.

Fred moves his hands and the creature is TARGETED in crosshairs of the instrument panel. He slowly twists his wrist as he manipulates a ever cautiously and....


The pig lizard digitizes and disappears.


Everyone LOOKS very impressed. Fred starts to smile, "no sweat" as the creature rematerializes on the platform. But something is very wrong. We hear the thing's HORRIBLE SQUELS over the disgusted reactions of the crew.

JASON What? What?

ALEXANDER (singsong) Nothing.

JASON I heard something. A squeal.

GWEN Oh no. Everything's fine.

TEB But... the animal is inside out.

JASON I heard that! It's INSIDE OUT!

Then the monstrous remains of the creature EXPLODES.

TEB And It exploded!

JASON What? Did I just hear that It came back INSIDE CUT, and 'then It EXPLODED? Hello?

GWEN Hold please.


Jason looks up to the rock ledge. The unseen DEMONS continue to chant "GORIGNAK... GORIGNAK...

JASON Wait, the pig lizard is gone. Why are they still chanting for the pig lizard?

GWEN Turn on the translation circuit.

Teb flicks a switch and we hear the Demons in English.


Suddenly Gwen and the others notice that the entire ROCK FACE behind Jason moves slightly, like a granite MUSCULATURE... Jason, facing forward, doesn't see it.

GWEN Jason?... I don't think the pig lizard was Gorignak...

JASON What the hell are you talking about?

Behind Jason, the boulders in the wall begin moving forward, EMERGING from the rock face, and a GIANT emerges... A MONSTER made of granite... Jason turns slowly, with a feeling of dread, as he hears the rumbling SOUND of the monster's body freeing itself from the rock face around It

JASON Oh darn.

He takes a step back, holding his puny wooden spear. The ROCK MONSTER steps forward, 20 feet tall. Its face mostly featureless yet ominous and determined and upset, and it heads straight for JASON.

JASON Guys, digitize me...

Jason backs away slowly, around the corner, but the monster follows CRUNCH CRUNCH forward...

JASON Guys...?!!


Fred looks genuinely distressed.

GWEN C' non Fred... They based it on YOUR hand movements.

Fred backs away, terror on his face... He starts talking to himself nervously...

FRED All my professional life they'd say "can you ride a horse" Fred? And I'd say "Of course, since I was a boy!" "Can you fence Fred?" "Funny you should ask, I've won six international competitions." I learned never to say I can't do this. You don't get the part if you say I can't do this. But this is life or death! May God forgive me Jason but I can't do this.


Jason is in a FULL OUT RUN being chased by the ROCK MONSTER which STOMPS forward, DEMOLISHING everything in its path.

ALEXANDER Fred's no good, Jason. You're going to have to kill it

JASON KILL IT? Well I'm open to ideas!...

TOMMY Go for the eyes. Like in episode 22 with-

JASON It doesn't have eyes.

TOMMY The throat, the mouth... Its vulnerable spots.

JASON It's a ROCK. It doesn't HAVE vulnerable spots!

GUY I know... You contruct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?...

JASON A LATHE??? Get off the line, Guy.'

The monster's shadow falls over Jason..

JASON ALEXANDER??? PLEASE? You're my advisor, advise me!

ALEXANDER ... . Well you have to figure out what it wants... What's its motivation?

JASON It's a DAMN ROCK MONSTER!!! It doesn't HAVE motivation!

ALEXANDER That's your problem. You were never serious about the caraft... (closing his eyes) "I'm a rock... I just want to be a rock... Still. Peaceful.. Tranquil.." ..."Oh, but what's this? Something's making noise... No, not noise, no... MOVEMENT. VIBRATIONS. Make the vibrations stop, they go straight into me like a knife!... I must CRUSH the thing that makes the vibrations..."

JASON Am I crazy, or do you actually have something there?

Jason reaches down and grabs a handful of small rocks. But at that moment the rock monster reaches down and GRABS him in his fist. Jason is carried into the air and dangled above the beast's mouth. Jason keeps his composure enough to toss one of the rocks at a natural rocky OVERRANG along one wall. The thrown rocks dislodge a few more rocks in the wall which TUMBLE to the ground, making NOISE. The rock monster TURNS toward the sound. The monster drops Jason. Jason lands, throws another rock. The monster CHARGES toward the wall, causing an AVALANCHE, burying the monster. All is still.


The actors CHEER, but their relief is short lived as...

87 ON THE PLANET - 87 The rubble RE-FORMS and the monster EMERGES, even LARGER than before! It begins to make a beeline for a perplexed Jason.

JASON But I'm not moving, I... Oh no. My heartbeat.

IN THE ROCK MONSTER'S POV we head toward Jason and hear Jason's heartbeat magnified like a drum, THA-THUMP THA-THUMP.

JASON Fred? Fred, can you hear me? You've got to do this... It's up to you.

88 ON THE SHIP -. 88

Fred moves to the panel, mortified.

FRED No, I'll kill you. .

JASON Listen Fred. You did this for four years on the show. You can do it now... Put your hands on the controls..

Fred puts his trembling hands on the controls... Sweat pours down his temple.

FRED I don't know... I don't know.

The monster picks up speed. STOMP STOMP STOMP.

JASON Fred, I worked summer stock with Hopkins. Regional theater with Hoffman. But I swear to God I have never met an actor who could hit his mark, or nail his lines with the professional consistency of a Freddy Kwan. You're Mr. Dependable... You can do this.

FRED You worked with Hopkins? I worship Hopkins.

Fred draws confidence from these words. The Monster is upon Jason... It raises its fist...

JASON Digitize me, Fred.

A moment of concentration - as everybody holds their breath - and then Fred works the controls. Jason is STILL THERE and..

89 THE MONSTER SMASHES DOWN HIS FIST RIGHT DOWN ONTO JASON.... at the very moment he digitizes. The fist goes right through the scattering blocks. Everybody on ship holds their breath and watches the..


Jason's body Instantly DUCKS and CONTORTS to avoid the ROCK FIST that moments ago descended uoon him. Everyone runs up to him as he regains his composure, celebrating, hugging him and patting him on the back. Even Alexander looks relieved, but won't admit it.

ALEXANDER I see you managed to get your shirt off.

Jason looks over and sees Fred still at the controls, drenched. He moves to him and shakes his trembling hand.

4/26/99 (PINK)

FRED As good as Hopkins?

JASON Hopkins can't drink your bathwater Fred.

Fred wells with pride. Jason turns to the others.

JASON All right folks, let's get the hell out of here...

JASON Mathesar, we're back up and on our way to the command deck. Mathesar? Come in Mathesar? Teb? Quellek? What's going on? Where is everybody?

Gwen pushes a button on the monitors to see... SARRIS'S SHIP OUTSIDE. Gwen punches another button and video panels light up showing... SARRIS' MEN ALL OVER THE SHIP. IN THE GENERATOR ROOM, THE HALLWAYS, THE COMAAND DECK... An INFESTATION.


JASON We've got to get out of here. C'mon, hurry

But as they head toward the door, it OPENS, revealing SARRIS AND A DOZEN OF HIS MEN, guns drawn. The actors. back away, except for Jason who stands his ground as Sarris approaches.

JASON Listen Sarris, just hold on, just-

But Sarris BACKHANDS him brutally. Jason crashes to the floor. Jason starts to stand, wiping blood from his mouth, but with a nod from Sarris, six of his men surround Jason and begin to kick and beat him on the ground brutally...

91-92 OMIT


The row of barracks down the long hallway have been converted to prison cells. From inside these the hundreds of captured ALIENS watch in despair as JASON, BLOODY AND BEATEN, is led down the corridor. Sarris, his guards and the other crewmembers follow behind. Weak and semi-conscious from the beating, Jason stumbles and falls. Sarris produces a device and applies it to Jason's neck. Jason cries out, his entire

4/26/99 PINK)

body convulses. The aliens push against the cell doors come to his aid, but the guards beat them back mercilessly.

SARRIS If you cannot walk, Commander, then I suggest you crawl.

Jason hesitates. Sarris SHOCKS him again. Jason finally rises and slowly begins to CRAWL forward. Everyone is silent. Numb.


The area has been converted to an interrogation chamber. Jason is led in with the others. Sarris' men interrogate a man strapped to a table. They move aside to reveal Mathesar, barely alive. But as he sees Jason, a ray of hope lights up behind his eyes. He smiles.

MATHESAR Commander. Thank God you're alive... Now you will face justice, Sarris.

SARRIS (laughs) At every turn you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination. The qualities of your species... Ridiculous optimism, like little children. Building, always building. But what you spend years to create, I take from you in days. (to Jason) Do you wish to save this man's life, Commander? And the life of your crew?


SARRIS Then tell me one thing... What does it do, the device? The Omega 13.

JASON I don't know.

Sarris twists a dial. Mathesar writhes in pain on the table.

SARRIS Is it a bomb? A booby trap? Tell me!

JASON Stop, please! I don't know!

SARRIS Prepare a tear harness for the female...

JASON No! I swear I don't know! Please!

SARRIS Do you think I'm a fool? That the Commander does not know every bolt, every weld of his ship?

Gwen fights the guards valiantly as they drag her to a table.

JASON But I'm not! I... I'm not the Commander!

Sarris turns, Interested. He motions his guards to halt.

SARRIS Wait. What did you say?

JASON Please, don't hurt them, it's not their fault. I'm not the Commander, I don't know anything.

Mathesar looks at him, bewildered. Sarris looks Intrigued.

SARRIS Explain -

JASON Gwen. The show. There's no choice. Do it.

GWEN Computer, play the historical records of the GALAXY QUEST missions.

A screen lights up with the opening of the first GALAXY QUEST episode. We see the various actors in their roles, freeze framed in action poses, intercut with the ship speeding through space.

Sarris watches, captivated. Realization dawns on his face. He begins to laugh. Sarris turns to Mathesar, beaten and bloody, but hope lightening in his eyes as he watches the show. That tickles Sarris even more, he ROARS with laughter.

SARRIS Oh, this is wonderful. Wonderful. I treated you as a foe, but no... You have done greater damage to these poor fools than I ever could have. Bravo!... Bravo!

He puts his arm around Jason and leads him to face Mathesar.

SARRIS Tell him. This is a moment I will treasure. Explain who you really are.

Jason looks up at Mathesar. A long pause.

JASON My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.

SARRIS Our dimwitted friends don't understand the concept of acting. They have no theater, no imagination these scientists.

JASON We pretend...

SARRIS Simpler.

JASON We.. We lie.

SARRIS Yes... You understand THAT, don't you, Mathesar?...

Mathesar looks up at Jason, bewildered.

JASON I'm not a Commander, there is no National Space Exploration Administration. There is no snip.

MATHESAR (perplexed, points to TV) But there it is!...

JASON A model, only as big as this.

MATHESAR But... Inside, I have seen-

JASON Sections of rooms made of plywood. Our Beryllium Sphere was painted wire and plaster. The digital conveyor was Christmas lights... Decorations. It's all a fake. I'm not him... (looks at Gwen) I'm a nothing. A nobody.

4/26/99 (PINK)


JASON It's difficult to... On our planet we pretend in order to... entertain.

Mathesar just stares. Sarris watches, eyes twinkling.

JASON That's how I make my living. Pretending to be somebody else. Pretending to be Commander Peter Quincy Taggart... I'm... I'm so sorry Mathesar...

Mathesar looks away, his eyes hollow, all hope gone.

SARRIS Now you know. This entire world you've concocted. All based on nothing. Your beliefs... your hopes... All a dream. A wisp of smoke. Now there is only pain.

Sarris moves to his Lieutenant, RAK LATHE.

SARRIS Lieutenant Lathe, I confess I am beginning to feel a bit foolish myself. Chasing across the universe to obtain what is, I am now certain, a bauble of fiction. Tell me how best to obliterate this vessel? I would like nothing to remain.

LATHE The core could be hardwired to overload without much effort.

MATHESAR Sarris. What about my men?

Yes, you're right. Much too easy a death for the trouble you have caused me. Lieutenant, open a vent on level "C" and let the outside in a bit for our friends.

A beat. Enraged, Jason LUNGES for Sarris, but his men quickly beat him down brutally.

SARRIS I guess an actor is not the same as a Commander after all.

4/26/99 PINK

He turns to his guard, motioning to Jason and the others.

SARRIS Release them, Sergeant... Into space.

The Guard nods and escorts them out. Sarris turns to

Mathesar and raises the torture control with a sick smile.


COMPUTER VOICE (O.S.) Core overload. Emergency shut down overridden. Core implosion estimated in nine minutes...

Jason and the others enter, escorted by the guards. Guard #1 pushes a button and the Airlock door opens with a WHOOSH.

GUARD #2 You two. Go.

Jason and Alex start toward the airlock. Jason simply hangs his head.

ALEXANDER Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? Hundreds of innocents to die because of you... How does it feel?

GUARD #1 Get in. Hurry up.

They enter the airlock.

ALEXANDER Hundreds dead, all so you could play at being the Commander.' You've murdered us all you egomaniacal sonofabitch!

JASON Shut up.' Just shut up you purple skinned monstronsity,

Alexander LUNGES at Jason, striking him in the face. They tumble outside of the airlock, fighting. The guards smile, enjoying the fight. Jason quickly overpowers Alexander and punches him repeatedly, his anger taking hold. They lock in a mutual strangulation hold. Then Jason pulls free. He grabs Alex by the collar and pulls back for the crowning blow...

... and deals a punisher right past Alexander into the face of Guard #1! Alexander turns, astonished, realizing it's all an act. A FLASH of an appreciative smile, then he ELBOWS Guard

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

  1. 2 in the face. The second guard's gun goes SKITTERING into the

airlock as he drops unconscious. Guard #1 dives into the airlock to retrieve the gun, aims at Jason as suddenly the inner door SNAPS SHUT, and an instant later the outer door OPENS. His - GUNSHOTS ricochet against the glass as the GUARD is WHISKED THROUGH THE HOLD INTO SPACE, flailing silently into the vacuum. Everyone turns to see Fred taking his finger off the airlock button.

FRED Hmmm. . A little sticky. I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.

Alexander turns to Jason, both out of breath.

ALEXANDER "Purple skinned monstrosity...?"

JASON I was staying in character. "Egomaniacal sonofabitch?"

ALEXANDER Sense memory. I see you got to win the fight...

JASON I had the shot...

GWEN Guys...

She motions to a row of security monitors... One labeled "ENVIRONMENTAL SYSTEMS DECK - C LEVEL" shows FOUR OF SARRIS' MEN straining at a large circular valve. On another monitor we see DEBRIS rushing up to a vent in the BARRACKS area as AIR IS SUCKED OUT OF THE ALIENS' PRISON. Teb and the other aliens pull on their prison bars in horror.

JASON Let's go.


The six of them run down the hallway. Jason stops them and they duck into an alcove as a unit of Sarris' men jog past.

COMPUTER VOICE (O.S.) Core implosion in four minutes...

JASON Go on, give it a try, Gwen.

GWEN computer, shut own the core.

COMPUTER VOICE Unable. Memory checksum invalid. Core systems hardware damaged.

JASON All right guys... Uh... Gwen and I are going to have to get to the core and shut it down manually. Fred, you and Guy need to get that air valve back on. Alex, see if you can get the prison doors open downstairs in case Fred and Guy can't get the oxygen back in time.

TOMMY Jason? What about me? What do I do?

JASON Practice driving, Tommy.

They all split up, leaving Tommy standing there.

TOMMY Practice driving?


Gwen and Jason hurry down the hallway, keeping a look out for Sarris' guards.

GWEN So... We get to shut down the neutron reactor?

JASON Right.

GWEN Uh... I hate to break it to you Jason, but I don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor, and unless you took a Learning Annex course I don't know about, I'm pretty sure you don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor either.

JASON No I don't. But I know somebody who does.


Birds chirp outside pleasantly.


The room of our #1 Galaxy Quest fan, BRANDON. The fourteen year old sits at his computer, in uniform, gluing a tiny piece of plastic to his model of the Protextor. A knock on the door, and his mother enters.


BRANDON Mother, I'm quite busy as you can see. The "C" rings on my booster unit came broken In the mail.

BRANDON'S MOM I'm sorry. - made brownies.

BRANDON Mother, I'm very busy. Well, maybe one. Thank you.

She exits. Brandon looks at his model with a sigh. Suddenly he hears a familiar TONE. He cocks his head and turns to...

THE INTERSTELLAR VOX sitting on his table. He starts to turn away, but it BEEPS again. Slowly he reaches out, takes it in his hand and flips the switch. We hear Jason's voice.

JASON (O.S.) Hello?... Hello is anyone there?...

Brandon stares at the thing, then looks around his room for signs of a practical joke. He speaks into it quietly.



Jason, holding his VOX, nods to Gwen... "Got him."

JASON This Is Jason Nesmith. I play Commander Peter Quincy Taggart of the USEA PROTECTOR.


Brandon stares at the vox for a very long moment.

BRANDON ... Yes?

JASON We accidently traded Vox units when we bumped into each other on Saturday.

BRANDON Oh... Oh, I see. Oh.

JASON What's your name, son?

BRANDON Brandon.

JASON Brandon, I remember you from the convention, right?... You had a lot of little technical observations about the ship, and I spoke sharply to you...

BRANDON Yes, I know, and I want you to know I thought about what you said... I know you meant it constructively but...

JASON It's okay. Listen-

BRANDON ... But I want you to know that I am not a complete braincase, okay? I understand completely that It's just a TV show. There is no ship, there is no Beryllium Sphere, no diagital conveyor... I mean, obviously it's all just a-

JASON It's real, Brandon. All of it, It's real.

BRANDON (no hesitation) I knew it!... I KNEW it!...

JASON Brandon.. . The crew and I are in trouble and we need your help.

The look on Brandon's face is indescribable.


Sarris' first lieutenant LATHE enters.

4/26/99 (PINK)

LATHE General, your transport is ready for departure.

Sarris turns to exit, leaving Mathesar on the table, unconscious Next to him a VIEWSCREEN IMAGE shows the aliens in their cells, pulling at the bars. Some are already unconscious from the lack of oxygen.


Tommy, all alone, peeks into the room to makes sure it is empty, then enters and moves to a high tech case. He pushes a button and a panel moves aside revealing a complete library of the GALAXY QUEST episodes... Like a high-tech shrine. Tommy moves his finger across the selections, picking one episode in particular with a smile...


Alexander makes his way down the hall stealthily, avoiding Sarris' guards. He stops as he hears a NOISE from a utility compartment to his side. Steeling his nerve, he opens the door and suddenly and a FIGURE jumps out. Both of them assume defensive stances, then Alexander recognizes him as QUELLEK, his young protege. Quellek beams.

QUELLEK Sir, it's you Thank Ipthar!

ALEXANDER Quellek. What are you doing in there?

QUELLEK I avoided capture using the Mak'tar stealth haze. Where is everyone?

ALEXANDER Come with me. I'll explain on the way.

105 INT. HALLWAY 105

Gwen and Jason turn a corner and stop. Jason speaks to vox.

JASON Okay we're in C deck hallway 5. What now?


Brandon inserts a GALAXY QUEST CDROM labeled TECHNICAL SYSTEMS into his computer. A couple of clicks later, a 3D wire frame diagram of the ship appears.

BRANDON Okav, there's a haton on the port wall. It leads to a system of utility corridors through the bowels of the shop.


Jason searches on vain for the hatch.

JASON There's no hatch. (losing faith) There's no hatch!

GWEN Wait... Jason, Here!...

Gwen rushes a concealed button and the hatch slides open.

JASON Okay, we got it.

BRANDON (0.S.) Okay, you can go on in... I'm going to get Kyle. He knows the utility tunnel system better than anybody alive.


Brandon punches some keys and Kyle pops up In a little CU-SEE ME window on the computer.


BRANDON No time for pleasantries, Kyle. We have a level five emergency. The Commander needs us to get him to the core and shut it down before it overloads.

KYLE Oh. Okay.

BRANDON You've got the utility systems walkthrough, right?

KYLE I have sectors 1-28. I think Hector has the upper levels.

BRANDON We'd better get everybody online. And Kyle, Stop downloading porn. Your frame rate is unacceptable.


An obviously faked nude picture of Gwen as Tawny Madison download slowly onto his screen.

KYLE I'm not downloading porn!

He clicks on the picture.


Fred and Guy make their wav down the corridor, checking the numbered sectors as they pass.

FRED Okay, sector 38... 39... 40. This is it. The environmental systems are in here. All we have to do is shut off the valve to the barracks...

They look through the window into the room to see... A HUNDRED of Sarris' men sitting inside, surrounding the large circular wheel that controls the valve. Fred exchanges a look with Guy. "All we have to do..."


Tommy sits at the desk watching an episode of GALAXY QUEST play on the screen. The scene has young Laredo piloting the ship, dodging the weaving through a very silly giant paper mache monster floating in space. But Tommy is dead serious. He watches himself on the tape, mimicking his own piloting movies, using miscellaneous objects on the table as controls, and repeating his 80's catch phrase along with his alterego.

BOTH TOMMYS Pedal to the metal, Commander....


Jason and Gwen run through the tunnel system.

BRANDON (0.S.) Okay, now left at the next turn... Past the oxygen units. Make a right there. Then go through the antimatter vent...

JASON Okay... Okay, now what.

BRANDON (O.S) Now make a right, you'll see a doorway that opens on the central manufacturing facility. The bowels of the ship.

Gwen and Jason turn right and their eves widen.


Dante's Inferno. Down below, a huge automated facility for ship construction and maintenance. Moving elevators and conveyor belts move through a maze of scaffolding and overhangs. Glowing rivers of molten metal run past giant swinging hammers, robot arms, and crushing machines.

BRANDON Commander, do you have a camera? I'd die to see this in person... All they showed on T,V was a machine here, and a wall here... I don't know why they didn't show the whole thing.

JASON (awed) We'd never have the budget for this.

BRANDON Okay, so do you see a door marked "CORE UNIT?" Should be down at the far end to your left.

On the other side of the room, down a circuitous path through a dangerous gauntlet of machinery Jason spots such a door.

JASON Yes...?

BRANDON Okay, that's where you want to be.

Gwen and Jason look at each other, then... Giggle nervously. It's just so impossible.


Alexander and Quellek arrive at the "prison area" hatch and look through the window... n tneir cells, many of the aliens are already unconscious. Others valiantly attempt to open their cells with crudely constructed levers and battering rams, to no avail. Alex tries to open the door, to no avail.

AUELLEX They're dying!

ALLXANDER Here. Help me tear this down, we can use it as a battering ram.

Quellek follows Alexander to a console, looking back at the prison. Alexander puts his hand on his shoulder.

ALEXANDER Don't worry, Quellek, it'll be okay...

Quellek seems comforted, but Alexander Isn't too sure.


Fred and Guy continue to watch Sarris' men, still surrounding the main valve.

FRED We've got to get that valve turned off. Their oxygen Is almost gone...

GUY Listen, I'll go in, create a distraction. have this... (holds up the gun) may be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.

FRED It's suicide.

GUY I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm going to die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.

FRED Maybe you're the plucky comic relief, you ever think of that?

Guy cocks his head. No, he hadn't thought of that. Fred pats his shoulder.

FRED Besides, just had a really interesting idea.


Sarris stands at the observation window as the transport makes it way toward his ship. All but one of the other ships have left the area, and that ship is turning and heading toward a black hole in the distance... The TRANSPORT CHIEF next to him gets a message on his earpiece.

TRANSPORT CHIEF Sir, the FALCON THREE Is launched and away, course set for Xactor Minor. FALCON ONE ahead. Four minutes to core overload.

SARRIS Good... Good... All is in its place.

TRANSPORT CHIEF General, I have just received word that the Commander of the PROTECTOR and his command crew have escaped custody. Their whereabouts are unknown.


Suddenly a LIFELESS BODY CRASHES against the windshield like a bug. It's Sarris' jettisoned Guard. Sarris' eyes light.

SARRIS Find them.

LATHE But sir, my MEN. The core implosion is not reversible...

SARRIS Find them.


Jason and Gwen make their way along a narrow catwalk above the manufacturing floor. A row of ROBOT ARMS behind them move erratically.

JASON We've cleared the robot arms. Now what?


Brandon now has his whole CREW on separate windows of his computer screen, including fan KATELYN, wearing a "Tawny Madison" outfit.

KATELYN Okay, Brandon, as I calculate it the shortest route is down the ladder near the quark accelerators.

OTHER NERDS I concur. She's right. Very good.

BRANDON High five, Katelyn.

He and the others hi-five, slapping their computer screens.


Jason and Gwen make their way down the ladder, and across a narrow beam over a LAVA POOL at a staggering height.

JASON Brandon.. Just in case I die, there's something I have to know...

BRANDON Yes Commander?

JASON What does the Omega 13 do?

BRANDON Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

JASON What do you mean?

BRANDON It's been the subject of an extremely heated debate on the internet for years. Many believe that is a matter collapser, a bomb capable of destroying all matter in the universe in a chain reaction lasting 13 seconds.

JASON But you don't?

BRANDON No, I am of the firm belief that in reality it is not a matter killer, but a matter REARRANGER, converting all molecules to the exact state they existed thirteen seconds previous to activation thus effecting a thirteen second time jump to the past.

JASON How did you come to that conclusion?

BRANDON My cousin's boyfriend's sister went out with the screenwriter. His favorite movie is the Omegaman. He's seen it 13 times...

KYLE As you know I strenuously disagree with this theory, Brandon. if all molecules were rearranged, then everyone would be back in time 13 seconds rendering the device useless.

Suddenly a BLAST erupts next to Jason's head. He and Gwen turn to see SARRIS' MEN shooting at them from across the room at the entrance to the cavern.

JASON Okay guys... Guys?

But the gang is still caught up in the debate.

KATELYN No because the brain of the person who triggers the Omega 13 is not affected, so THAT person still has his memory after the time jump. And everything is as it was, a chance to redeem a single mistake or misstep.

BRANDON Thank you, Katelyn. Excellent.

KATELYN (flattered, shy) You're welcome, Brandon.

Jason and Gwen RUN as Sarris men continue to snoot at them.


BRANDON Yes Commander... All right, you're almost there. Just go through the chompers and over the pit.

GWEN "The chompers?"

They turn to see... THE CHOMPERS An unavoidable gauntlet of HISSING HYDRAULIC SMASHING METAL HAMMERS AND BLADES jutting out from the sides, top, bottom and diagonally...

GWEN Oh, fuck THAT.

More GUNFIRE from Sarris' men. Another BLAST melts a pole next to them. Jason pulls his magneto-pistol and fires back at them. Sarris' men take cover.

JASON Brandon, HOW?


Brandon cradles a telephone on his shoulder.

BRANDON Hollister, do you have the sequence yet?


Another one of Brandon's pals, HOLLISTER, watches a tape of the show, fast viewing one sequence backwards and forwards over and over; ON THE TV, we see the cheap painted cardboard version of the crushers. A cheesy fish headed ALIEN MONSTER chases Jason through the crusher but is toppled by one of the crushers and falls into the fake looking lava pit. Hollister times the pattern of the crushers with a stopwatch.

HOLLISTER Okay, the pattern is two.. two... four... two... three... eight... two...

BRANDON You're sure they repeat like that? It's sort of extremely important.

Cut from the cardboard props to the REAL THING.


Gwen and Jason watch as they SMASH and GRIND back and fourth...

GWEN What IS that thing? It serves no useful purpose to have a bunch of CHOPPY CRUSHY things in the middle of a CATWALK!?.'

JASON Gwen...

GWEN We shouldn't have to DO this! It makes NO LOGICAL SENSE! Why is it HERE?

JASON Because it was on the show!

GWEN Well forget it! I'm not going. This episode was badly written!

BRANDON Commander, you and Lt. Madison will have to go through the crushers one at a time in three second intervals. Tell me when the first crusher hits the bottom...

JASON Okay, now. But-

BRANDON Wait two seconds then go.

Another BLAST from Sarris' men weakens the catwalk...

JASON No, wait, are you-

BRANDON Lt. Madison, GO.

JASON Shit! Go!

BRANDON GO Commander.

Jason and Gwen run through the CHOMPERS. It is a series of CLOSE ESCAPES, timed just a FRACTION late, so at one point Gwen must use all her strength to pull a SLEEVE caught In the works before a second hammer comes down where her body was a moment before Jason DIVES through a quickly diminishing hole, his MAGNETO- PISTOL falling behind him, quckly SMASHED to oblivion by a closing slab.


Jason stops, catching Gwen's leg just as... A HAMMER SMASHES right In front of her, barely missing her head.

BRANDON Go. They're off again.


JASON What? Up?

BRANDON Berithium lava coming through. Use the handholds above you.

Here comes the lava down a chute ahead of them. Jason pulls Gwen up just as the lava comes through, sizzling the tips of her hanging hair.

GWEN Whoever wrote this episode should DIE.

Thje lava passes, and they drop and continue on through the doorway as magneto blasts erupt around them...

123 DARKNESS 123 Jason and Gwen run through pitch blackness.

JASON (0.S.) What the hell?... Brandon, Where are we?

BRANDON (0.5.) I don't know. This part of the ship is completely undocumented.

GWEN (O.S.) Great... Just great.'


Fred and Guy are now in the digital Conveyor room. Very quiet compared to the mayhem in the bowels of the ship... Guy looks down at the panel with great anticipation, then up at Fred with a nervous smile. Fred gingerly takes hold of the digital conveyor controls.

GUY This should be Interesting...

ON THE digital CONVEYOR DISPLAY: We see crosshairs target an object... The vague outline is that of a man, but blocky, misshapen. We recognize it as THE ROCK MONSTER. Fred SMILES.


DOZENS OF SARRIS' MEN continue to surround the oxygen valve when suddenly THE ROCK MONSTER materializes right in the middle of the room behind them. They turn, looking up at it Sarris' stunned men CLICKS his transmitter button... The monster DESCENDS in an instant...


Fred and Guy watch the mayhem on the a monitor, contemplative.

FRED It's the simple things In life you treasure.


The MONSTER chases a group of Sarris' men down a dead-end hallway. Sarris' men have nowhere to go as the monster bears down on them, and CRASHES through the hull, taking himself and everyone else OUT INTO SPACE.


The rock monster tumbles gently through the vacuum or space. The monster's jaws move in a silent SUBTITLED roar:

ROCK MONSTER Ah, sweet tranquility at last.


The room is now emptied of Sarris' men. Guy and Fred enter and move to the large valve, straining to turn it. Slowly, the pressure normalizes.


Working together, Qlexander and Quellek are now using a makeshift BATTERING RAM on the door. A readout BLINKS.

QUELLEK Sir! The pressure. It's normalizing.


The door opens and Alexander enters. He runs to a panel down the hall and turns the switch. All the cell doors open. He runs to one of the cells and helps a few of the men to their feet. They turn to Alexander, gratitude in their faces.

ALIEN #1 We are saved! He has saved us.'

Alexander suppresses a smile, preparing to feign modesty...

ALIEN #1 Commander Taggart has saved us!

ALIENS Hooray for Commander Taggart! Long live Commander Taggart!

ALEXANDER It's just not fair.

He moves to Quellek at the doorway.

ALEXANDER Okay, Quellek, let's get back to the command deck and-Suddenly we hear a PISTOL BLAST and Quellek's chest turns RED. Alexander and Quellek look down at the blood, horrified.

QUELLEK I'm... I'm shot.

He falls, CRUMPLED to the ground. We see one of Sarris' GUARDS down the hall. He shoots again. Alexander grabs Quellek's limp body and pulls him out of the line of fire.

ALEXANDER Quellek... Quellek!

Quellek opens his eyes weakly. Alexander pulls aside his uniform to see the wound. It 's a mortal injury. Alexander uses all of his acting skills to disguise his shock.

ALEXANDER Not so bad. We'll get you to medical quarters. You're going to be fine.

QUELLEK I... I don't think I'm going to make it Sir...

ALEXANDER No, don't talk like that, son. We're going to get you fixed up.

QUELLEK ... It has been my greatest honor to serve with you. LIving by your example these years, my life has had meaning. I have been blessed. Sir, I... I...

He cringes in pain. Alexander looks at him, full of emotion.

ALEXANDER Don't speak, Quellek.

QUELLEK You'll forgive my impertinence, sir, but even though we had never before met, always considered you as a father to me.

Blood appears in the corner of Quellek's mouth, his life fading away. Alexander strokes his head, devastated. He looks him right in the eyes, his eyes welling with tears. Then with intensity, and absolute sincerity...

ALEXANDER Quellek... By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan... You shall be avenged.

Quellek's appreciation of this is Indescribable. A tiny spark behind his eyes light up, and he smiles, completely content as he surrenders to death.

Tears fall down Alexander's cheek as he holds Quellek's limp body. Then a blast hits a corner nearby. Alexander lays Quellek's head to the ground softly, then rises. There is an Intensity to him we haven't seen before... His eyes BURN.

Alexander moves into the hallway, fixing his attention on Sarris' man. The guard looks up, momentarily shaken; Alexander hooks truly ALIEN. His eyes afire with VENGENANCE. Nervous, one guard fires twice, missing. Alexander begins to RUN toward the guard, picking up speed. The guard tries to reload his gun but his eyes are locked on Alexander like a frightened animal and his cartridges clatter to the ground. Alexander ROARS like a creature, baring his teeth It the final moments... The guard stands there as he meets his death, so terrified he can only mutter a single word..

Guard ...mother.

as ALEXANDER envelopes him like a force of nature.


Jason and Gwen make their way forward in the darkness... They are stopped as they hit a pitch black wall.

JASON (O.S.) Brandon, there's a wall.

BOOKMARK - More Clean Up to Come!

BRANDON Oh, good, you should be at tunnel. se one oomtutor to ooet one blast sections on sea'uenoe.

GWEN (0.5. --~omputer, open the fIrst blast sectoon.

"e see a shaft of LIGHT as a nuae meta BLOCK rises, and thev

enter a tunnel that dead ends about b reet on.

GWEN Computer, open the second blast sectoot.

Ahother 6x6 foot block slides up, the tunnel lengthens. They turn as they hear the sound of Sarris' Men In the distance behind them.

h32 BLAST TUNNEL - Gwen and Jason run as fast as they can throu~2 the tunnel, the blocks rising one by one in front of them.

G'EEN Computer, open blast sections 15, 16,17,18,19. 133 INT. POWER CORE ROOM 133

A doorway appears and Jason and Gwen emerge from blast tunnel into a large soherical room with a console on the center.

COMPUTER VOICE (O.S.) Detonation in sixty seconas...

JASON Okay Branoon, think onis Os

He moves to a control panel on the console. There is large blue button under a glass flap. A visible COUNTER alon~side.

JASON I'm at the control oaneh. What do I do?

BRANDON Raise the glass and push the blue button.

JASON That's It?

BRANDON Yeah. What's wrong? JASON ~~othIno. I -ust oncuont ot wou~o oc oomooooateo onan onat.

He reaches for the button when suddeth;' SHOTS RING UT. Sarrls' met ao~ear on the doorway.

SARRIS' GUARD #1 Raise your hands, NOW.

They raise their hands as the computer continues countino oown in the background... "45 seconds... 44...,'

JASON Listen, I'm going to just push this button, then we'll talk about whatever-

Thev fire a BLAST and he raises hIs arms again.

GWEN You don't understand! This ship is going to explode!

SARRIS' GUARD #1 The General warned us of your tricks. He pulls his pistol and levels It But Gwen... SMILES.

GWEN You must be the smart one. And so tal~

She starts toward Guard 1 seductively. -Jason looks up from tounter, stunned, as she moves rloho uo to him. The second ouaro raises nos out oe:ensivelv. She oushes Lt asioe.

GWEN Relax. This is between me and him... May

She reaches up to touch the tendrIls on Guard l's head. Suard 2 moves to prevent this, but Guard #1 brushes his hand -tsioe... "alhow her."

GWEN Hmmm. So so~t...

GUARD 4.2 Gar, our orders are to kill them.

n due time.

GUARD ~l GWEN -oont'd) "Gar." Is tnat -our name? "Car." nice...

Car hooks into her eves wot~ ~ust. Guard 3 h noredulous.

GUARD 2 Gar, this Is sick. It is as of to SeeK pleasure 'qith an animal...

GWEN He isn't too popular with the ladies, is he? (Gar smiles) Maybe they could leave us alone for a while? Just you and me.

GUARD #1 (sees throuah her scheme) No, alien slut. On my planet, we snare.

He looks at the others. The three of them be~in to LAUGH, and start toward Gwen. Jason rises, but Gwen is already on it.

GWEN Computer, we're going to need some privacy... Close blast section 29 please.

Guard #1's smile drops immediately and he doesn' _ ~ven have time to scream as THE SECTION BLOCK DROPS IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, rushing the whole lot of them to petroleum on an instant. GOO oozes from under the block. She turns to Jason.

GWEN See? NOBODY takes me seriouslv on tn 5 tning. (to oozing coo) NOW how are you feeling, HUH? Do you take me seriously NOW? DO YOU?! !?

Jason flips up the glass as the computer counts down to "12" and SMASHES the Button. Then turns to Gwen, a big appreciative smile on his face. They share a silent moment. 7hen Gwen realotes oh-at the oounter Os ~-, ountono down!

GWEN Jason...

She moves to his side as he punches the button to no avail.. It just keeps counting down... I. .6.5. .4. .3.. Gwen and Jason embrace as they meet their final moments together... They CRINGE as the counter nots "1" and... STOPS. They look at each other, bewildered. Then Gwen sparks with realization:

-1 GWEN 0 ~D JASON It ahwavs ooes to "h" on tne snow.

A beat. They realoze tnev nave melted Into eac otners' arms hike old lovers. They separate aW~wardhv, a~ business. "Better get--going... Yeah, hook at one tome... etc. - ~ ~m ~~RI~' ~ DECK -- - -~ . SHIP - ~

Sarris' intellIgence officer approaches Sarris.

INTELLIGENCE OFFICER Sir, the core detonation sequence on the Protector has been aborted.

SARRIS Impossible... Impossible! Lieutenant, hock a complement of Implosion mIssiles onto the Protector. Tear her apart.


The HUNDREDS of freed ALIENS sweep through the corridor, overtaking the scattered remnants of Sarris' guards. Alexander fights alongside them, dealing crushing blows to two Guards at a time as the Aliens sweep around nim. Alexander and his character are now Indistinguishable. Jason and Gwen appear in the melee.

JASON ~hex! Alex, are you oKav?

ALEXANDER (faraway hook in his eye) Yes. Good was done this .....

JASON Okay... Let's go, buddy, they can take It from here... I'mo-

Alexander has to be practically dragged away from fighting one of Sarris' men... 136 CORRIDOR TO COMMAND DECK 136

Jason, Gwen and Alexander run up the hall. Fred and Guy appear from around a corner and they all keep runnino.

JASON Anybody seen TommV? I-ommv aoDears :rom tne ~eQia room. Ihev ao run as a team toward ne commano necK.

JASON We've act to aet tne olasma armor up before Sa~~-' ~nds out we've aoorted the detonatIon...

COMPUTER VOICE (O.S.) Warning. Enemv missiles launched.

GUY I think he found out.

lexander signals the door to onen and they run Into the 11 COMMAND DECK 137 They quickly take their stations.

JASON Forward view!

In the central -viewscreen we see SARRIS'S SHIP dead ahead, having alreadv launched a VOLLEY OF WEAPONS riaht at them.

Armor uo! JASON

GUY Plasma armor etcagea.

Just In time. The ship 15 rocked, but not destroyed.

JASON Okay Tommy. Go! Lose 'em! Into the mines!


JASON Pedal to the metal Tommy...

TOMMY (drawing confidence) Pedal to the metal...

Oh god... GUY Iommv eases onto the oas and thev ~ MI~)ES. 31/4 :::T.-ALCDN I


SARRIS nto tne oieoo. &o.

h37B INT. PROTECTOR ~7B Tommy maneuvers the field with concentration and intensity. The mines WHIZ by...

JASON Doing good Tommy. Real nice.

T-thanks. TOMMY JASON (cont'd) You think you could-get any closer to those mines?

TOMMY Closer? (smiles, realizing) I can try.

GWEN What are you doing? What are thev doino? ~7C INT. SARRIS' SHIP h37C

LATHE enerao, I've host them. The maanetlsm o: the field Is disrupting our onstru- ~ait. There they are

SARRIS Get oacK on their tail.



LATHE Because they're coming right at us.

SARRIS (smiles) Fire at will. hI~D NT. PROTECTOR

The Protector is ROCKED bv missoo- ~ -- ourse stra~ght for the FALCON.

GUY We~re oetting hammered, Jason. Return fIre?

JASON No. Keep all energy to the armor.

The ship moves straight toward Sarris' ship. An image of SARRIS appears on a viewscreen.

SARRIS Well isn't this adorable. The actors have decided to play war with me...

GWEN Sarris's ship is accelerating toward us at Mark 2...

JASON Accelerate to Mark 4, Tommy.

SARRIS This is embarrassing, really. I shan't tell this story when I return home.

GWEN He's accelerating to Mark 6.

JASON Mark 12.

138 OUTSIDE 138 The two ships ROAR TOWARD EACH OTHER at terrifying speed. 139 INT. COMMAND DECK 139

SARRIS I will remind vou, sonny. am a General. I have seen war and death as you cannot Imagine. If you are countIng on me to blink, you are making a very deadly mistake. JASON Let me ---~l -!Ou sometnonc, Sar~ooesn't taKe a oreat actor to recoonoce a bad one. You're sweatonQ

Indeed, a drot of sweat drips down Sarris' brow. Jason ixes his (oaze on Sarr~s ana. .. smijes.


GWEN Armor almost gone, Jason.

ALEXANDER Ten seconds to impact... Nine...

SARRIS (smiles) You fool. What you fail to realize is that without your armor my ship will tear throuah vours like tIssue paper.

JASON Yeah. Well what you fail to realize is... I'm dragging mines.

Sarris' eyes lIght with horror as he realizes.

SARRIS Oh no...

119A T:~-~rn  ?ROTECTOR 13 9A

WE CUT OUT TO THE PROTECTOR to see that It is indeed pulling along a large CLUSTER of mines in ItS wake! l40-l~ OMIT 140-144 145 INT. PROTECTOR 145

Gwen sees the mites or one :orst 'tome 0 She turns to Jason, astonisnea.

GWEN never doubted you for a second.


Tommy TURNS and everybody digs in as the G-FORCES kick on. 4;26;L9 PINK) 146 EXT. PROTECTOR 146

~e Protector VEERS sharplv but the mines continue orward, oneir momentum carrying them straight toward the FALCON.

147 _NT FALCON -1 147


Sarris dives at the controls as the viewscreen fills with MINES... 148 EXT. FALCON 1 148



Jason stands, a clenched fist. The others CHEER! Yeah! YEAH! GWEN


All over the ship the ALIENS CHEER their victory. INT. COMMAND DECK 151

Jason and the others turn as the door opens and Mathesar enters, helped along by two alien CREWMEN. He is bandaged and has metal casts on an arm and leg. Jason helps him to the Commander's chair. They look at each other fondly.


Mathesar... You're alive. Thank God.

Mathesar hooks at Jason, the old twinkle back in his eyes. Then a smile breaks out on his face, and he begins to LAUGH... ason stares at him with a bewildered smile.

JASON Wha- What are you laughing about?

MATHESAR The ship is a model... As big as this!... A very clever deception indeed! He oan't oontaln hIs lauchter. A belle-----TOMMY Set a course for home, lommander?

JASON You can oc that?

TOMMY It's poInt and click. This thino practically flies itself. We will have to go through that black hole though.

He motions out the viewscreen at the swirhlno BLACK HOLE...

JASON Ahybody have any objections?

The rest of the crew exchange shrugs, battle hardened now.

JASON Let's do it, Tommy.

TOMMY Commander?... Call me Laredo?

JASON Mark 20 Into the black hole, areao.

They ROAR forward, picking up speed, shooting straioht into the center of the black hole the hull CREAKING and GROANING under the strain and it seems as if the ship Is about to rip apart, ....... SILDNCE... And everythito turns REALLY strance. z-oQie~ ~-~n onsioe out, molecules are scatterea, bodies melt to the ground IttO ouddles, 'then resolve themselves. Ahd then a loud EXPLOSION lIke a sonic BOOM as 'thev are rocketed out the other end. Planets roar past 'them like ~

We're out.' GWEN

They all exchange relieved smiles.

GUY We're alive!

TOMMY We made It. Commander, we made it.' m ALEXANDER sort ov) By Grabtnar' s h~mmer, we ove to te ono 'tale.

COMPUTER (0 S.) Systems register functional.

GWEN (gleeful) All systems are working, Commander.

JASON How fast are we going, Tommy?

Tommy looks at his controls. Needles literally a blur.

TOMMY Pretty fast.

Jason turns to look at THE VIEWSCREEN - EARTH is visible now, and they are HURTLING TOWARD IT FAST.

ALEXANDER Jason, before we entered the black hole, my instruments detected strange energy surge from Sarris' shiD~ similar to...

JASON No time to worry about that, Alex. Tommy, let's get this thing slowed down... Gwen, see if you can calculate the impact point. Guy, cet down to deck C and make sure tne injured are secured. Also lets-

He stops and turns as he notices the cabin door open... Standing in the doorway is FRED who smiles and walks into the room. His manner Os stranoe, sinister... A slight limp.

JASON Fred, what are you doing up here? You should oct back downstaIrs until we-

But Fred suddenly does a very peculiar thing... He withdraws a MAGNETO-PISTOL from his belt, levels it at Jason. Jason smiles, bewildered. Is this a bizarre joke?


FRED FIRES THE GUN. The blast hits Jason in the chest. ~/26/99 I-INK)

Everyone turns, thev can't belIeve their eyes. Jason hooks at the blood spreading on his chest. He takes a step forward, then another, stumbling weakly toward Fred. He grabs his collar and looks into his hollow eyes a moment before collapsing to the ground. And as he goes, his hand hits a switch on the familiar box on Fred's belt... We recognize it as APPEARANCE GENERATOR.

Fred's form flickers momentarily, then he TRANSFORMS into his true identity... It's SARRIS. Scarred, burned and bloody he looks like the devil himself. He smiles, raising his gun again, and begins FIRING...

Everything turns to SLOW MOTION as...

Tommy is hit. His body goes slumping over his console, pushing the ThRUST control full FORWARD. The ENGINES roar hike a wounded animal. Mathesar rises and tries to grab the gun, but Sarris backhands him, sending him flying across the room. Mathesar's two CREWMEN wrestle with Sarris. One is shot, sent tumbling backwards. Alexander and Guy run to help the other crewman as he struggles with Sarris...

On the ground, Jason's eyes flicker at the carnage around him. It's like a nightmare, but all too horribly REAL. He tries to rise, but he isn't able...

Around him the bloodbath continues... Sarris FIRES wildly, shooting Gwen as she tries to reach Jason. She falls, her body sliding next to Jason. Jason looks into her eyes as they dull to lifelessness. He YELLS grief stricken... Then lifts himself up with herculean effort and begins to drag himself 'toward the front of the room as...

Alexander, rushing Sarris, is HIT, clutching his neck... Guy manages to TACKLE Sarris, and he and the other alien wrestle with Sarris, trying to get the gun away... Alexander, fallen and life drifting away, looks over to see...

Jason, with supreme effort, pulling himself up on a console at the front of the room... Then Alex turns to see THE EARTH, HUGE, FILLING THE -:IENSCRE~N ----~ suddenh'7 we're...


And everyone is JOLTED as the ship hits the atmosphere heading STRAIGHT DOWN toward Earth at 20,000 miles an hour.

Suddenly Alexander, Guy, Mathesar and the remaining alien look up at the sound of a voice... JASON (O.S.) Mathesar...

~iz~; 9 - PINK)

Thev turn to see... JASON, swaying in tne miaa~e 0 the deck, bloodv, weaK, barely alive, but STANDING.

JASON Activate... The Omega 13.

The survivors exchange expectant and terrified glances. Mathesar quickly moves to a control panel and pushes down a familiar SERIOUS-LOOKING LEVER and... THE ELABORATE MECHANISM, THE OMEGA 13, UNFOLDS IMPOSSIBLY FROM THE FLOOR FRONT OF JASON. Its center is a spinning cyclotron of energy. In front of Jason is a prominent LEVER. IN

Jason turns to the others... nods a respectful goodbye... and 'those alive watch in HORRIFIED ANTICIPATION as ON THE VIEWSCREEN - the GROUND rushes toward us and just as we hurdle into city PAVEMENT... Jason pulls the switch.

BLINDING WHITE. And everything goes silent. Silent... Silent... Then suddenly a loud EXPLOSION like a sonic BOOM. 152 COMMAND DECK - 13 SECONDS EARLIER 152

Gwen, Alexander, Guy, and Tommy are all alive - busy at their stations as the Protector hurtles out of the black hole. Planets roar past them like bullets.

GWEN We're out.'

They all exchange relieved smiles.

GUY ~e're alive!

TOMMY We made it. Commander, we made it.'

ALEXANDER By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.

Jason looks around, disoriented. It takes him a moment to register what is happening. Everyone is alive. Everything is as it was 13 seconds ago. He looks down at his chest... No wounds... The OMEGA 13 is REAL.

COMPUTER (O.S.) Systems register functional.

GWEN All systems are working, Commander. ,~ -cc PINK) -' C -

They look out 'to see ENTIRE GALAXIES whizzino bv 'them at incredible s~eed. Planets need bv hike BULLETS.

TOMMY We're going pretty fast Commander. Should

Jason starts walking quickly across the room, honoring him. The BARTH fills the viewscreen.

TOMMY Jason, we're going pretty damn fast)...

Jason? GWEN

But Jason just continues across the room, arriving at the entrance hatch ~ust as It OPENS and we only oct a GLIMPSE of Fred's smiling face before Jason buries his FIST in it. Jason pulls him up and throws him across the room. As Fred hits a control panel, his appearance generator switch is triggered revealing him as SARRIS. He lays there unconscious. Alexander, Gwen and the others stare, bewildered and amazed.

JASON Everybody stay put. Tommy, slow this thing down. Gwen-

Suddenly Sarris rises and pulls his gun, but is SMASHED square in the face by a METAL CRUTCH. We pan to Mathesar holding the crutch, with a supremely satisfied expression. Jason moves past him with a nod. "T'~-l take it from here" -ond DIVES on Sarris. . . The two LOCK in comoa...

TOMMY Oh my god. Jason)...

On the viewscreen they are HURTLING straight Onto EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE. Jason, still battlIng Sarris, turns to a Crewman.

JASON ;'~7e're 'too heav'~, ;~e 13 - -~ - We've got to release the command module)

CREWMAN Commander? At this speed, it is most dangerous to-

JASON You're going to have to trust me on this) RELEASE THE COMMAND MODULE)

Gwen raises FRED on her monitor. t~~/4/99 GOLDENROD)

GWEN Fred, get to c level NOW, we're separating!

The crewman operates a CONTROL. With Jason distracted, Sarrls pulls free and goes for his KNIFE... But they are both sent FLYING as the ship LURCHES and they are both sent flying as... 152A EXT. PROTECTOR 152A

The main bulk of the ship SEPARATES from the COMMAND MODULE and VEERS away,- curving of f the top of the atmosphere as the command module continues STRAIGHT DOWN TOWARD EARTH. 153 INT. BRANDON'S LIVING ROOM - DAY 153

Brandon's MOM AND DAD lounge on the couch reading the LA TIMES. A lazy Sunday afternoon. The TV is on in the background...

ON TV: Perky E! ENTERTAINMENT REPORTERS share the latest gossip; an unflattering photo of Jason on the screen.

GOSSIP REPORTER Has Galaxy Quest's Space Commander Jason Nesmith checked in or checked OUT? Jim Dapperson reports from the- Galaxy Con Science Fiction convention In Pasadena..

Cut to the REPORTER in front of the Convention center. A group of GALAXY QUEST fans wave at the camera behind him.

REPORTER Hi Marsha, it is the third day of the Galaxy Con and Jason Nesmith and his GALAXY QUEST crew are no shows to the event, much to the disappointment of the QUESTOIDS gathered here.

He raises his microphone to a disappointed FAN dressed in a touon warri~ =r-~~

WARRIOR ALIEN We ~ust really feel let down. I mean, part of the show is about sticking with (MORE)

3/4ARRIDR ALIEN --octooc; ur orienas no matter wnat -& abandonea. (wines a tear rom ot5iaC ~'s arc.

REPORTER Do~you- tnink maybe... He's on space?

WARRIOR ALIEN ~-e you mocKong me?

REPORTER neh heh... Digitize me, Marshai...

Anchor Marsha does one of those entertainment anchor laugh/sighs. Brandon's parents turn pages of their paper, not even watching the TV. Then BRANDON enters in a rush, two boxes of July 4th fireworks in his arms...

BRANDON Bye! Back soon!

MOM Wait, where are you going with those fireworks, Brandon?

BRANDON (fast, in one breath) The Protector got super accelerated coming out of the black hole and it ~ust nit the atmosphere at Mark 15 which is pretty unstable of course so we're going to help Laredo auide it in on the vox i'tra:reauencv carrier and use roman ~ndles for visual onfirmation.

MOM Okay, Hon. Dinner at seven.

Brandon exIts. Brandon's Dad gives Mom a glance.

MOM Least 0' cuosite.

On the televisoon in the background, a NEWS REPORTER appears.

REPORTER We interrupt this broadcast to report tnat an unidentIfied ob~ect has broken trirough the Earth's atmosphere. I repeat-

Mom and Dad flip pages, not aware of the T,J at all. -D~ 1/2OLL~WOOD H2L~~

TourIsts are either dumbfounded or oc~o-:ocus a THE M2N-I- P?~TECTOR comes burninc throuch the atmosthere and over tne Hollywood Slot


Hundreds of people watch frozen as THE COMMAND MODULE omes nurt~it~ across 'the sky, delIcately taklno off the flashina tip of the Bonavetture' 5 light tower. 156 134 FREEWAY 156

Traffic Jam on the 134. A woman in a convertible Jeep listens to the radio, when suddenly the receptIon goes to static and we hear the broadcasted CHATTER from the PROTECTOR over the airwaves.

JASON (O.S.) Hold course, Laredo!

TOMMY (O.S.) I'm trying Commander... Everything's a blur, but as long as I stay locked to that vox signal...

GWEN (O.S.) Tommy, look! Those lights...

TOMMY (O.S.) I see them! I see them! RD STREET PASADENA 57

BRANDON and his TEAM, along with a number or other HEROIC NERDS, stand In their uniforms in a line on either side of 3rd street, blobs of fire shooting from their roman candles. BRANDON stands at the front, holding his VOX transmitter HIGH. We pan up to see THE PROTECTOR CAPSULE APPEARING over the horizon... Gigantic and breathtaking. It comes HURTLING own towaro tne ~ios.... I~ SOARS RIGHT Th~'E_ Louis NguyenNDON then SLIDES to tne ground sparks blazina for another 500 feet... StraIght toward a large recognizable building... The site of the Galaxy Con. Right toward the banner which reads 0WELCOME SPACE TRAVELLERS!" and CRASHES riont intd the sIde of the building. 158 NT. CONVENTION HALL 158

FANS RUN FOR THEIR LIVES as brick and olaster fly everywhere. The ship teeters it-a cloud of dust as It finally comes to 4:26/99 PINK)

rest, halfway in and halfway out of the building, havino demolished the s'tage area...

Shocked sIlence. The fans... The sellers at their oootns. Everyone is frozen. The ANNOUNCER slowly rises from under his card table. Then we see 'the ship's main hydraulic HATCH open... A RAMP lowers to 'the ground and... A figur~e emerges... It's TOMMY, looking bruised and scarred and certainly the worse for wear.

The fans don't know how to react.... In the silence Tommy looks around the hall... Hundreds of faces look back at him. Then they begin to APPLAUD. Tommy looks around, flabbergasted. Then - what the hell he waves. Seeing this, the Announcer raises his microphone, hesitantly.

ANNOUNCER "Lt. Laredo", Tommy Webber!

Then Gwen appears, helping Fred down the ramp. He's limping, both as beat up and war-torn as Tommy, the three s-tand together and look out at the audience, shell-shocked.

ANNOUNCER. The beautiful Tawny Madison... GWEN DEMARCO with Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen, Fred Kwan!

The fans applaud cheer and shout... Then Guy stumbles out, a cut on his head, looking disoriented. He looks out at the cheering fans... The announcer isn't sure who he is..

ANNOUNCER U.... Another shipmate...

Guy stares out at the hundreds of faces, then a smile creeps slowly onto his face.

GUY I'm alIve... I'm-... I'm the plucky comic relief! I'm the plucky comic relief!

HIs r~anIacal ~ everyone's attention turns to A FLICKERING CREATURE coming down the ramp with Alexander helping him. It is Mathesar, his "appearance generator" on the blink, and his entire body alternating between his human and alien form.

ANNOUNCER Dr. Lazarus of Tev'Mek, Alexander Dane and... a friend!

The crowd continues to go nuts.

4/2E/99 PINK)

FRED Mathesar ... Are 'you all rlaht? * MATHESAR * We'll be fine now, 'thanks to all of

The fans then look up, astonished to see glimpses of HUNDREDS more of the aliens In the ship's portholes... Everything grows SILENT. They oan't believe their eyes. Then, suddenly as if all this weren't enough... There is a crash and...

JASON EMERGES WITH SARRIS, THE TWO LOCKED IN MORTAL COMBAT. Sarris is bigger and meaner, but Jason has the advantage. He quickly overcomes Sarris, punching him again and again and again until Sarris collapses to the ground unconscious.

ANNOUNCER Commander Peter Quincy Taggart... Jason Nesmith!

Jason, Gwen, Alexander, Fred, Tommy and Guy stand there, shoulder to shoulder, as the audience goes into a frenzy of applause... Whether it's real or not is no longer relevant to them. They're just JUBILANT.

Jason look out and spots Brandon and his friends in the back of 'the room... With a look of true gratitude, Jason crosses his fists In the traditional GALAXY QUEST gesture of respect, and Brandon returns I't~ about to~burst with pride...

Then Jason DIPS Gwen, giving her a big kiss. The crowd oheers, a teen female fan FAINTS. Thev release, and Jason puzs his nanas in the air, taking in the adulation. Gwen turns oo Alexander, flustered, as the audience cheers...

GWEN He always has to make the big entrance.

ALEXANDER By Grabthar's Hammer, this is true. 159 NT. LIVING ROOM - SOMEWHERE - NIGHT 159

A cute little boy, no older than 6, lays on a carpet in front of his television, swinging his legs and munching on a bowl of popcorn.

On TV we see the opening to GALAXY QUEST, but now the effects are modern, TV quality CGI and Jason and the others are their current ages. The title comes up reading...

GALAXY QUEST, THE JOURNEY CONTINUES ~c as ~ shIp Wniozes paso ana -ouo 'to soace, one ~O't~C cv raises nis ~otle fi~~ h~. -~he air and shouos, a ovous oDarKIe in nis .......

LITTLE BOY Never give up. Never surrender!


The End.