January 17th, 2005
Titans East - Part 2
The Quest (Teen Titans)
(Opening shot: a screenful of crackling static, which winks out after a moment. It is replaced by a badly distorted, black-and-white shot of a face. Even though it is nearly impossible to make out fine detail of its features, the broad, fat cheeked and sunken, beady eyes give it away as Control Freak, the crazed movie fan who assaulted the Titans in "Fear Itself." Another second or two, and this shot is replaced by the single dot that sometimes glows on a television screen after the set is turned off. More static, then the dot again. On the following line, alternate between it and various shots of the villain that gradually become clearer.)
Control Freak: Nothing is wrong with your television. Do not attempt to change the channel. Your regularly scheduled program will not be seen because I am controlling the transmission.
(Now the dot is the only thing on the screen again.)
Control Freak: (voice over) I control the horizontal. (It stretches into a horizontal line.) I control the vertical.
(The line rotates 90 degrees, after which his pudgy fingers force themselves in from beyond the blackness and push the two halves apart. His face is in full color and clearly seen, and static crackles behind him.)
Control Freak: And those buttons on your remote that don't seem to do anything? I know what they're for! From this moment on, your television belongs to me, Control Freak!
(He backs up from the camera a bit, laughing madly all the while, and the camera itself backs up to show this entire spectacle on the window/screen in the operations center of Titans Tower. It is daytime, and Beast Boy is on the couch, his plans to watch the idiot box blown out the window.)
Beast Boy: (turns around) Uh, guys?
(Snap to black.)
OPENING THEME (sung in Japanese)
(Opening shot: the bridge across Jump City Bay. Pan to the shoreline and the Tower, then zoom in on its upper stories and dissolve to a close-up of a wall panel. Yellow-and-black hazard stripes mark the sides, and at the center is a large red button imprinted with the Titans' insignia. Labeling: "ALARM-PRESS ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES"; taped to the bottom edge is a sheet bearing the words "THIS MEANS YOU BEAST BOY!" and Robin's personal mark.)
(One gray-gloved hand whips into view and slaps the button to set off the alarm and red lights. In the gym, Robin breaks off his heavy-bag workout; in the garage, Cyborg slides out from underneath the T-Car, then tips it out of the way to give himself room to get to his feet and run off. Raven has lit candles all over her room and is seated on the floor, meditating among them, but she soon clears out and the flames are extinguished by her waving cloak. Starfire, meanwhile, has just returned from walking Silkie; it is on a leash, and she carries a picnic basket and wears the green floppy hat she used to disguise her body changes in "Transformation." As soon as she takes notice of the alarm, she ditches the pet and accessories and is on the move.)
(Cut to the closed operations center door. It opens, revealing the panicked fifth Titan just inside.)
Beast Boy: In here! Hurry! Now!
(The others rush in. Cut to a close-up of him, hands to ears, and pull back to frame them around him as the alarm stops.)
Robin: Beast Boy! What's the problem?
(Sight gag: he starts the following line in "Super Deformed" style, but reverts to normal as he speaks. A sheet of paper is lowered into view next to him on a fishing line; it shows the name of the first program he mentions, along with a pair of stick-figure characters, one of which has Soto's head. He then spins it to show a superhero character and adopts its pose as he mentions the second show, after which it is reeled up.)
Beast Boy: The Mijo & Tito Show was a rerun, so I flipped over to watch Danger Team Five. But it wasn't on 'cause there was this little blue dot and this BEEEEP. (Cut to the others, nonplussed; he continues o.c.) And his voice was like, "I control the vertical." (leans into the view) Then the dot got real big, and Control Freak has taken over our TV!
(Quick pan to the window/screen, which now shows a fellow doing a little fishing on a lake.)
Fisherman: Welcome back to Bass Nabbers. Today, we gonna catch us some fish!
Beast Boy: (grabs the remote control) Dude! Where did he go? (clicks furiously through channels) He was right there with the big face and--
(Cut to all five on the start of the next line.)
Robin: Uh, Beast Boy? Maybe you've just been watching a little too much television.
Raven: TV rots your brains.
Cyborg: Yeah, man. When was the last time you turned off the tube?
(On this line, a thought balloon appears above Beast Boy's head. It shows him on the couch, remote in hand, mesmerized and drooling, and a calendar floating nearby. The top page shows the date as Monday the 27th.)
Beast Boy: Um... (Pages go flying; the light dims/brightens through many days.) ...I think I went out to the movies three weeks ago.
(The calendar stops on Monday the 6th; behind his thought-self, the background changes to a row of seats in a movie theater. He now has popcorn and soda.)
Starfire: Uh, I wish to remind you that you did not actually go to the movies, but merely observed a television program about a person who went to the movies.
(On this line, two things happen. One, the thought-balloon picture burns through to leave Beast Boy back on the couch. Two, within it, the camera swivels and zooms in on the window/screen, on which a fellow is in the theater seat with refreshments. The calendar stays put throughout.)
Beast Boy: Oh, yeah. That was cool.
(Behind Robin, a science fiction program is showing a space battle; a large robot stomps along.)
Robin: Riiiight. Look, Beast Boy, Control Freak can't be on TV. He's locked up in jail where he belongs, remember?
(On the end of this, the broadcast is cut off for a NEWS ALERT title card.)
Anchor: (voice over) We interrupt this program...
(He appears at a news desk; the words shift to either side and he takes over the narration.)
Anchor: ...for breaking news. Authorities have just discovered that the dangerous criminal known as Control Freak has escaped from prison.
(Three things happen during this line. One, a black-and-white mug shot of the fugitive pops up; he carries identification number 257-325. Two, the anchor's hair slides halfway off his head, being only a toupee. Three, a broken ball and chain appears near the mug shot.)
Beast Boy: What did I say?
(Cut to an extreme close-up of the insignia on the side of Robin's R-Cycle; he steers it away from the camera and is soon joined by the T-Car, Starfire in flight, as is Beast Boy in pterodactyl form. It is now nighttime.)
Robin: Reports are coming in from all over the city. Control Freak has been spotted on more than a dozen TV screens in the last half hour. We need to find out where he's broadcasting from and pull the plug.
(Cut to an overhead view of the T-Car on the end of this and zoom in slowly. A small satellite dish pops up from the roof and begins to swivel back and forth, trying to pinpoint any telltale signals. Inside, Cyborg eyes the readouts on the dashboard screen and Raven, riding shotgun, pulls out her communicator.)
Raven: We've got a lock.
(Wipe to the exterior of Cook's Electronics, where both vehicles are now parked. Inside, the place is dark and quiet and all five Titans move in for a look around; Beast Boy is back in human form. Pull back to frame several banks of television sets on display, each one showing the same image: a man and woman, Joaquim and Rebecca, on a soap opera. He wears an eyepatch. Cut to Robin and Beast Boy, approaching one side of a big-screen unit. On the next line, they step behind it, the shape-shifter becoming a wolf, and the camera pans to show the entire image. On screen is a scene from a black-and-white 1950s sitcom, in which a mother stirs a bowl in her kitchen.)
Sitcom mom: Welcome home, dear. Dinner's on the table. Shall I fetch your newspaper and slippers? (Beast Boy emerges on the other side; more screens here, and the father appears.)
Sitcom dad: Golly, hon, that'd be swell.
(Now Starfire edges past a set whose screen displays an alien cowboy on a distant moon, shooting down a few craft, and Raven approaches the soap opera sets.)
Joaquim: (Spanish accent) But, Rebecca, I'm still in love with your reincarnated evil half-sister.
Rebecca: Oh, Joaquim! (She breaks down crying.)
(Robin and Beast Boy move to a group of televisions showing the Eiffel Tower. Close-up of one screen; on the balcony, laser blasts flash down from above and a tuxedo-clad man leaps in, bearing some resemblance to James Bond as played by Sean Connery. The secret-agent type presses a button on his watch, sending beams here and there to return fire, and leaps over the railing. As more shots blaze from the as-yet-unseen enemy, a hang glider pops out from beneath the tuxedo jacket and he glides away easily. Pull back to frame Robin watching the show.)
Cute voice: I must find my pet hippo.
(He whirls to face the source; cut to it, an animated program, styled after Dr. Seuss' books, in which a pelican walks across a blue/green-striped landscape. The voice belongs to it.)
Pelican: Please tell me where he went. Is he skipping through a meadow, Or camping in a tent?
(As it peers out from the cliff it has just reached, the growling, lupine Beast Boy stalks past the television display. He reaches yet another corner, in which a sci-fi program is playing. A young man is knocked across the deck of a spaceship and menaced by a dark figure holding what looks like a pair of parallel lightsabers issuing from a common base. The Titan sits down to watch, tail wagging and tongue hanging out eagerly, and the others come up behind as he returns to human form. Drool still drips from his lolling tongue.)
Beast Boy: Dude! Clash of the Planets! This is a classic!
(On screen, the youth gets to his feet.)
COTP Boy: I don't care how powerful you are, Baron Ryang! (He creates a long light staff in his hands.) I won't let you win!
(Baron Ryang is now seen in full detail: black armor, steel under-reinforcements, spiked helmet and mask.)
Baron Ryang: Foolish human! Have you forgotten that I control this star system? Have you forgotten than soon, (Pull back to frame Beast Boy, watching.) I shall control the entire universe?
(The two combatants go at it, but are immediately lost in a mass of static against which Control Freak leans into view, waving.)
Control Freak: Hello! (Beast Boy screams and keels over.) Enjoying the show, Titans? Might as well just sit back and watch, 'cause you're never gonna catch me!
(During this line, all the screens in this area flick to show his face, then change their views so that together they form one giant image of him. Slow pan across the Titans; all the other screens have gone to static.)
Robin: We will find out where you're hiding! It's only a matter of time!
Control Freak: Who's hiding?
(He hops away and comes up on a nearby big screen to stand in front of a refrigerator.)
Control Freak: I'm right here!
(He laughs and runs out of the picture, which flicks to static, and Beast Boy scuttles backward across the floor toward Cyborg. Behind them, the fat geek races past the Eiffel Tower screens.)
Control Freak: Or am I here?
(Static; now he moves to a group of soap opera sets, popping back and forth, and each flickers off after he leaves it.)
Control Freak: Or here! Or over here! (To two sets with the space cowboy show.) Or maybe here!
(Static; then he moves to a lone set on the floor and immediately jumps out of frame, leaving more of the same behind.)
Starfire: The Control Freak is a dork, yes?
Robin: He's in the building. Find him.
Cyborg: (checking his forearm panel) He's not inside the building...he's inside the TVs!
(Dissolve to a close-up of a static-filled screen, on which he appears in black and white. Cameras are trained on him from all angles, and he is assembling a gigantic version of the souped-up remote he used against the Titans in their first fight. This massive unit is wired to the dozens of televisions that are piled up everywhere. Laughing a bit, he closes the cover and circles to the front end, where one of the buttons has begun to pulsate.)
Control Freak: We have the technology.
(A press of that button envelops him in a sphere of blinding white light that suddenly grows to fill the cathode ray tube and contracts just as quickly. When it subsides, he is gone, but not for long, as his face pops up in all the screens around the unit.)
Control Freak: Yes! Control Freak is on the air!
(Crazed cackling; pull back to show the Titans watching this screen, the only one in the entire display that shows a picture. It, too, winks out after a moment.)
Raven: Well, that's one way to break into television.
Cyborg: He turned himself into a broadcast waveform, and now he's flipping around from channel to channel. (Close-up of Robin.)
Robin: Control Freak hasn't just escaped from jail. (Pull back to frame the others, Beast Boy at a distance.) He's escaped from reality!
Beast Boy: (turning around) Huh?
(He moves off and winds up at a doorway that leads into the store's back room.)
Beast Boy: Uh, guys?
(He hustles in, as do he others; cut to inside. Sure enough, here is Control Freak's colossal remote, sitting among the racked inventory boxes.)
Beast Boy: Cool!
(Robin and Cyborg move to the rear end; the big man whistles reverently and works his forearm controls a bit. As he speaks, pan to the other three Titans near the head.)
Cyborg: Got enough high-end equipment here to break half the laws of physics.
Robin: Can you reverse the process, pull him back out?
Cyborg: Think so. (Cut to Beast Boy and Starfire, then back as he continues.) I just need a little time to--
(During this last, Beast Boy reaches for the still-pulsing button, which causes Cyborg to trail off into a panicked yell. The fingers hit the control, and instantly the whole area is lot in another blinding blast as five screams ring out from within it. When the radiance clears, not hide nor hair of any Titan can be seen in the room, they have disappeared into the television world as he did.)
(Cut to a different place, which matches one of the shows Beast Boy flipped past at the start of this act. It is a game show: two podiums equipped with buzzers, with a host's lectern between them. The team materializes here in a blue-white flash to the sound of wild applause, and in front of them an upbeat fellow, the host, leans into view and waves.)
Game show host: Well, hey there, everybody. Hope you're as excited as I am, because you're the next contestants on...Quiz Monkey!
(On these last two words, tilt up to show them on a large lighted sign above the stage. Back to the Titans.)
Beast Boy: (sheepishly) Uh, my bad.
Robin: Okay. We need to find Control Freak and get back out of--
(He is abruptly shoved away by the host, who puts an arm around Starfire's shoulders.)
GSH: All right, young lady. Fifteen seconds on the clock. Each correct answer wins a fabulous prize. Zero answers...puts you in the cage with the Quiz Monkey.
(On the end of this, cut to a lovely young model standing by a cylindrical something covered with a curtain. It is promptly revealed as a cage that holds a large, rabid, screeching baboon, and the audience cheers wildly at the sight, while the unwilling contestant's eyes go as wide as softballs.)
GSH: What's the capital of Liechtenstein?
Starfire: Uh... (Buzzer.)
GSH: When did Hannibal cross the Alps?
Starfire: Uh... (Buzzer; question mark above her head.)
GSH: What was Spiro Agnew's middle name?
Starfire: Hmmm... (Buzzer; question mark grows.)
GSH: How many atoms in one kilogram of oxygen?
(The mark evaporates as she voices a surprised, happy gasp; she knows this one cold.)
Starfire: Three-point-seven-six-two-five times ten to the twenty-fifth! (He scrutinizes his card.)
GSH: That is correct!
[Note: She has indeed gotten it right. The other answers: Vaduz, 218 BC, Theodore.]
(A huge grin and giggling from the very lucky winner; applause.)
GSH: You've just won...a new car!
(Up goes a curtain, revealing a convertible being shown off by another model.)
Control Freak: (from "o.c.") All righty, then, Titans! (He pops up in the driver's seat.) You followed me in, now let's see if you can keep up! (He peels out.)
Robin: Titans! Go!
(The host suddenly finds himself without anyone to pit against the Quiz Monkey. Cut to a screen in which the anchor from the earlier news brief is doing a report.)
Anchor: In other news... (Control Freak speeds past.) Hey!
(Pull back. The five heroes barrel through the studio, Beast Boy winging it as an eagle, and Robin gives the camera a very funny look as he passes last. Pan/tilt down to another screen, which shows a man holding a soda can.)
Man: Boo-Yah Energy Drink!
(He holds the can forth: this is a commercial for the product, but immediately has to run for cover when the sportscar races through and all titans except Robin give chase. Pan/tilt up to a third screen, on which the Bass Nabbers fishing program is running. The fisherman hosting it has left his boat and is near the lakeshore, but Control Freak sloshes past, tearing the rod out of his hands and leaving him spluttering.)
Fisherman: (as the Titans charge past) You're scaring the fish!
(As in the news broadcast, Robin is the last one through, and he again throws a puzzled look at the camera. Cut to a country road; the red convertible speeds through, knocking over a mailbox, and Starfire pulls ahead with Cyborg in tow. She carries him up and doubles back to face the crazed driver; the next move brings the two Titans down until they are barely clearing the ground, and she hurls Cyborg at Control Freak with a savage yell. Extreme close-up of the doughy face, zooming in as he gasps and the descending shadow falls over him, then pull back. Four hundred pounds of flesh, bone, and bionics slam down on the hood, instantly T-boning it.)
Cyborg: End of the road! (Control Freak gets his head out of the air bag that has deployed.)
Control Freak: (Southern drawl) Tell that to them Hooten boys!
(He bails out as Cyborg looks worriedly over his shoulder. In the distance, a car sails up off the end of a ramp that is hidden behind some bushes The aforementioned Hootens, two of them, are inside.)
(Close-up of Cyborg's stunned visage, rapidly darkening as the charger's shadow covers it, then cut to a flicker of static. This quickly resolves into a big fat guy in a light blue pig suit; he backs up, exposing the set of a children's show behind him.)
Kids' show host: (singing badly) I am great, you are great, y--
(Control Freak elbows him aside; an instant later, Robin and Raven are behind the interloper.)
Raven: Don't move. (Cut to him.)
Control Freak: (sarcastically, shifting the host's limbs about) Uh-oh. I'm still moving.
(He goes into an ungainly ballet routine, and the camera pulls back briefly to show the two Titans exchanging a slightly bemused look.)
Control Freak: Isn't there some word the good guys are supposed to yell to make me stop?
(Bells and sirens go off, balloons and streamers rain down, and the unseen audience erupts in cheering as the host gets up on the start of the next line.)
KSH: "Freeze"? That's today's Sloppy Mess Word! And you know what that means, kids? (Cut to the audience.)
Audience and KSH: OATMEAL!!
(Robin has time for one sharp gasp before a torrent of that particular breakfast food thunders down on him and Raven, much to the spectators' delight. Static, then the blur of something racing along a desert highway; now the backdrop looks like a Road Runner cartoon. A freeze frame reveals Control Freak in full detail, and his name appears below, along with "Couchus Potaticus" in parentheses. After a second or two, he gradually accelerates back to full speed; pan back the way he came to show a green blur in hot pursuit. A second freeze frame exposes it as Beast Boy, who has assumed the form of Wile E. Coyote. His name appears with the parenthetical notation "Animalus Switcheroonium," and after a couple of seconds he, too, speeds back up.)
(As the chase proceeds, the camera pans ahead a short distance to show the road ending at a cliff, with a safety barricade set up to block the way. Control Freak crashes through it and stops short right at the edge of the precipice. Behind him, Beast Boy skids to a half and advances slowly, licking his chops.)
Control Freak: I wouldn't stand there if I were you.
(A convenient anvil plunges into view between them, snapping off the bit of rock on which he stands. Then, in true Looney Tunes fashion, the entire cliff collapses to leave Beast Boy floating without any support. He holds up a sign printed with a single word, "YIKES!", and drops out of sight, his body elongating comically as gravity does its thing. Overhead view of the ravine beneath these cliffs; he plummets into view, away from the camera, and his impact is seen as a tiny dust cloud far below. Control Freak, still on his little ledge, does the Roadrunner's "beep-beep" sound effect and takes off running.)
(Static, then the Eiffel Tower as seen earlier on some of the televisions. Tilt up to its peak and cut to the balcony, where the dapper James Bond type leaps in and addresses his watch; a built-in communicator.)
Agent: Agent Two-Fifty-Seven to base. (holds up a small item) I have the Renaldi Device.
(As soon as he straightens up, Control Freak appears out of nowhere, shoves him against the railing, and relieves him of his tuxedo with one swift jerk. The hapless agent, left wearing only his undershirt, shorts, and socks, tumbles over the edge, His scream cuts itself off sharply.)
Control Freak: Huh?
(Moving to the edge, he finds the defrocked fellow hanging onto the railing. A placating grin is thrown up to the overweight twerp, who responds by taking the watch. As he puts it on, the sound of a launch is heard and Robin's grappling hook wraps around the ironwork; up comes the Boy Wonder, while Raven rises up through the deck plates.)
Robin: (to Raven) Take him down!
(Control Freak immediately fires a salvo from the stolen laser watch, forcing both to duck away. Close-up of him.)
Control Freak: Face it, Titans! In the real world, I may be just another geek.
(Pull back; he has put the tux on over his usual clothes. Needless to say, it fits very badly.)
Control Freak: But in here, I'm the coolest!
(Laughing madly, he vaults over the railing, a shade too late for Robin and Raven to stop him. Cut to their perspective briefly; they watch him fall and deploy the hidden hang glider, and in a long shot of the area, he soars away as gracefully as he can. Back to the pair, behind whom the background goes to static and resolves into a black-and-white, foggy, foreboding forest. They have just been dumped into a horror picture.)
Robin: Where did he go? (Pan to the other three Titans nearby, Beast Boy in human form.)
Starfire: Perhaps he has flown away to some place less creepy and bad-smelling.
Cyborg: Yeah. What kinda nasty old show is this, anyhow?
(Beast Boy's eyes pop as he utters a soft gasp. Cut to a crudely lettered sign, identifying the place as Jones Lake, and zoom in slightly.)
Beast Boy: (from o.c.) It Came From Jones Lake. (Back to him.) Dudes, I've seen this before. We're not in a TV show, we're in a monster movie!
(Behind the Titans, the murky water at the shore stars to bubble glutinously. As Beast Boy ducks behind Robin, something very large and black breaks the surface; seen head-on as it stands up, it is a huge, humanoid fish creature with a very wide mouth. It advances toward the camera, opening the jaws for a guttural roar to black out the screen. Snap to a close-up of Starfire, who lets go with a piercing scream before the view fades to black.)
(Opening shot: Robin, Beast Boy, and Raven, all too scared to move or react. Starfire backs up to them, but Cyborg does not even blink as the reptilian beast stalks up behind him.)
Cyborg: Chill out, y'all! This is TV! The monster's not real, it's just some dude in a costume.
(It is now close enough for him to touch, but when he does so, his eyes pop in sudden surprise.)
Cyborg: That's not a costume.
(He is swiftly yanked off his feet and chucked across the lake, whereupon a flurry of starbolts explodes against the head and back. Starfire throws one last shot, which the creature blocks with raised forearms; it then spits a wide beam, which she flies up to avoid as it sweeps across the shore. Raven moves in behind it and raises one black hand; tilt down slightly to the lake surface, where many submerged roots rise under her control and snare the arms and legs.)
(Elsewhere, Beast Boy has become a falcon and is descending to the shore. Within one second, he has reverted to human form, then transformed into a rhinoceros and begun a splashing charge. Just before he can connect with the monster, though, it breaks free of the roots and seizes him. Close-up of the bug-eyed Raven, zooming in as she gasps in shock, and then the four-ton Titan is coming right at her. There is a flash of impact, which clears to show Cyborg walking up as the sodden girl gets to her feet.)
Raven: That thing may be fake in the real world... (Pan slightly; Beast Boy, also soaked, gets up in human form.)
Beast Boy: ...But it's way real in here. (Pull back; Robin and Starfire join them.)
Robin: Then it's a good thing he's not our target. We need to find Control Freak! (It moves in.) Split up!
(They do so, the camera pulling back to show the screen the movie is on at the center of a group of six. Each of the other five ends up with one Titan on it, different shows, different styles, and all five look around with complete confusion; Robin has fallen in water. Back to the lake; the monster flickers and disappears. Cut to a different place, where it rematerializes; pan slowly across the space as other characters from Act One wink in.)
Control Freak: (from o.c.) The creature from Jones Lake. (The sci-fi show's robot.) Seven-Gorn-Seven. (The alien cowboy.) And the Offworld Outlaw.
(Pull back; all three stand in a spotlight. On the next line, pan to a desk by a window in this dark room. It is lit by a solitary lamp, and behind it is the man himself; face in shadow, arms cradling a white cat. He has gotten rid of the tuxedo he stole during his last scene.)
Control Freak: The most notorious villains in television history. (Behind them; zoom in slowly on him.) I suppose you're wondering why I've brought you all here. (Extreme close-up of his eyes.) The answer is quite simple, really. (Chest level; the cat hisses.) Using all of your awesome powers...
(Slow pan across the trio.)
Control Freak: (from o.c.) ...I command you to seek out the Teen Titans, (Back to him; he lets the cat go and leans to the light.) and annihilate them.
(A click of his remote sends them away.)
Control Freak: (giggling) So cool!
(Another button press turns the office behind him to static, then to a Japanese dojo. On the next line, pan to another corner, in which a gray creature is standing. Its head has one large red eye at the center, with four tentacles radiating outward, and it wears a kimono. A black banner marked with a large red X hangs behind it.)
Control Freak: Master Hagadash, of the classic miniseries Invasion X. (slides into view; both assume same pose) I am ready to begin the training.
(Static, then a close-up of Robin, whose tunic has inflated to become a life preserver.)
Robin: I already told you, I don't have time for this!
(Pull back. He is standing at the stern of a speedboat and addressing two big fellows; one blond, one black.)
Blond boater: (Australian accent) Ah, don't chicken out now, mate. (holds up a rod) The world's watching Stunt Fest to see eye-popping stunts, and that's just what they're gonna get. (Robin takes it.)
Robin: I'm not going to--
(He is shoved backward off the boat; the movement reveals a pair of water skis on his feet and a rope connecting the rod in his hands to the stern. A small camera floats nearby to capture the action, which starts in earnest as he tries desperately to keep his balance. Looking ahead, he finds himself being pulled toward a very high ramp.)
(Extreme close-up of his screaming face, then pull back as he goes airborne. The water below him is clear and blue, until a huge shark leaps up, ready to take a healthy bite out of the Boy Wonder. The screen fills with static, which yields to the soap opera seen earlier. Rebecca, the young woman in those scenes, is here, and Cyborg comes in.)
Rebecca: Oh, Lance. (turning to Cyborg) I didn't mean to make you fall madly in love with me. (leans against his chest, eyes full of tears) But ever since Joaquim left with my evil half-sister--
Cyborg: Yo! I don't love you! My name's not Lance, and I just need to know if you've seen a fat guy in an overcoat!
Rebecca: Oh, Lance!
(A long, passionate kiss follows, during which the camera pans to the door and Joaquim enters.)
Joaquim: What the--?
(Static, then a very dark area under two groups of floodlights; the sort found at large stadiums. Raven walks through here, her voice echoing a bit when she speaks.)
Raven: Hello? Anybody?
(A football sails into view and lands neatly in her hands.)
(She is immediately tackled by at least a dozen beefy players; a sportscaster begins commentary as a referee's whistle and crowd cheering are heard. The next two lines are delivered in voice over.)
Sportscaster: Oh! (laughing) That had to hurt! (Overhead view of her on the field.) Let's look at the replay, Chuck.
(A circle is drawn around Raven, as if the play were being diagrammed.)
Sportscaster: You know, I'm not sure why a Teen Titan is on the field in a championship game, (Circle disappears; everybody jumps at her; freeze frame.) but this is just a great defensive play... (Big circle drawn; many arrows point to Raven.) ...by the Steel City Tigers.
(The freeze frame ends, this second circle winks out, and everyone falls on her. Another freeze, on which an unconscious face is drawn to stand for the person at the bottom of the dogpile. Static, then a test pattern; Raven is sprawled out among the colored bars, but she puts herself back in order with the help of her "soul-self." Cyborg tumbles into view a moment later, evidently having gotten on Joaquim's bad side, and the Jones Lake monster comes in next. It knocks the bars aside to get at the pair, but Raven levitates a few and smashes them over its head. The farthest one to the left is grabbed and thrown by Cyborg; it bounces off the scaly hide and sails straight at the camera.)
(Static again, then the black-and-white 1950s sitcom from Act One. Mom has whipped up a stack of pancakes.)
Sitcom mom: Would you like some more flapjacks, dear?
(Cut to Beast Boy at the kitchen table, in full color and wearing a magenta letterman's sweater over his outfit. It is trimmed in white and bears a large T.)
Beast Boy: Totally, I-I mean...
(Remembering how he should act in this particular situation, he licks his palm and runs it through his unruly green hair to arrive at a more appropriate style for the times.)
Beast Boy: Gee whiz, Mom. (Pull back; Dad sits by him, reading the newspaper.) That'd be keen.
(She puts the platter before him, and he wastes no time in shoveling down its contents.)
Sitcom dad: Say, sport, it says in the paper that your schoolmates are organizing a nifty sock hop. (Doorbell rings.)
Sitcom mom: Oh! That must be the milkman.
(She goes to the front door and opens it-and there, in full color, is the robot Seven-Gorn-Seven. It is so huge that the top of the frame comes up only to its chest, but this problem is solved with it smashes through the wall. Mom lets off a scared little squeal; out come an array of fearsome weapons, including a couple of lasers that blast the rest of the flapjacks to kingdom come.)
Beast Boy: Jeepers!
(Seven-Gorn-Seven's shadow extends over him. Static, then the animated show featuring the pelican character; Starfire is here, and it looks all about during the following.)
Pelican: Oh, have you seen my hippo? He hides and I must seek.
Starfire: I cannot play. Please, do you know a strange man named Control Freak? (mimes) He is big, not tall, and nasty, and known for causing strife. He escaped into the TV--
(The pelican ducks into a mushroom, and Beast Boy runs across, having ditched the '50s duds.)
Beast Boy: Hey, Star, run for your life!
(A laser blast from the direction he came wipes out a tree next to her; she screams and gets her own feet moving just before the giant robot lurches in. Static, then a large bear in the forest. The blond guy on the speedboat, who took Robin water-skiing, steps into view here; he is the host of Stunt Fest.)
Blond boater (SF host): Next on Stunt Fest, I'm gonna make this angry grizzly give me a piggyback--
(A blast shoots across the screen, cutting him off abruptly, and he backs up into the bear, which is now on its hind feet. It lays into him as the Offworld Outlaw strides in; a brief look around reveals Robin at a short distance. The Titan turns to face him, revealing the water skis still clamped to his boots. Each gets his hands ready at his belt, the Outlaw throwing back his poncho to uncover a pair of holstered six-shooters and spitting out the toothpick in his mouth. Slow pan across Robin's narrowed eyes, then across the bear and severely injured host, then cut back to Robin. He whips out two birdarangs, only to have them blown apart in his hands, and the Outlaw levels a pistol at him again. Before he can fire, though, the bear's growling draws his attention; pan to it a short way back. This gives Robin the opening he needs to land a crashing punch that flattens the gunslinger, and provokes the bear into attacking the blond Aussie all over again. Robin's tunic has now deflated, and he has gotten rid of the skis.)
(The Outlaw is soon up to his knees, firing a grappling hook from a launcher hidden under one sleeve. It snags in Robin's tunic and sends a powerful electric shock into his body; he collapses to the grass, then looks up to see the alien approaching. Before the Outlaw can do any more damage, though, a sonic cannon blast plows him away, Cyborg has made his way to this show from the test-pattern brawl. He and Raven arrive on the scene.)
Raven: Don't thank us yet.
Cyborg: We brought a friend.
(Meanwhile, the grizzly bear has pinned the Stunt Fest host and is about to slice him open from top to toe, but both are interrupted when the Jones Lake monster plows through the trees. It stands erect, bellowing in fury, and is immediately washed out by static that flickers out to leave the screen blank. What follows next is a calm male voice reading ad copy-commercial time.)
Announcer: The makers of Azarath and Metrion are proud to introduce Zinthos.
(Robin, Cyborg, and Raven run in and are met by Beast Boy and Starfire.)
Announcer: New and improved Zinthos gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it.
(The Outlaw and Seven-Gorn-Seven move against them on the end of this line and are soon joined by the Jones Lake creature.)
Announcer: And because it's blue... (It appears in this color.) ...Zinthos goes with everything.
(A free-for-all breaks out, during which the next line scrolls past at the bottom of the screen and the following things happen. One, a misplaced shot from the giant robot blows away the creature. Two, Beast Boy becomes a bighorn sheep and rams the Outlaw out of the picture; as he resumes human form, the villain's black cowboy hat settles on his head. Three, Cyborg and Seven-Gorn-Seven fire at each other, their beams canceling out in the space between, and begin a high-powered tug of war that finally destroys the robot.)
Announcer: Zinthos isn't right for everyone and may cause bloating, cramping, hair loss, disturbing visions, fits of rage, and growth of additional eyes. Children under three should not be exposed to Zinthos. Do not get Zinthos wet, and never feed it after midnight. If you experience trouble meditating, stop saying "Zinthos" and consult your ancient scrolls immediately.
(By now, all five Titans are gathered at center screen.)
Announcer: New blue Zinthos.
(Static, then the upper reaches of Master Hagadash's dojo as seen earlier. The black/red-X banner hangs from the ceiling; tilt down slightly to frame the Titans in the middle of the floor.)
Beast Boy: Dude, those were three of the baddest bad guys ever, and we totally kicked their butts! (He throws the Outlaw's hat into the air.)
Robin: But we still haven't found Control Freak.
Control Freak: (from o.c.) True, grasshopper... (slides into view near the camera) ...but I have found you!
(A full head-on view shows that all his clothing and accessories are now in shades of gray and black. His shoes are different, and he wears steel wrist guards as well.)
Control Freak: And guess what? (like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix) I know kung fu. Whoa.
(He propels himself off the floor for a leap that thumbs its nose at the law of gravity, just as Reeves did in that movie, and comes down with a shrill cry to kick Robin away. Without touching the ground, the fat yo-yo catches Cyborg with a spin kick that drives him into a support beam, shattering it. Smoke trails from the boots give away the jet thrusters built into them. Now Control Freak does a spinning handstand, pushes off into the air, and dives again; Starfire prepares to let him have it, but he bounces off her head before she can fire. Raven, standing next to her, creates a platform above herself to deflect his aerial stomp. It shatters on the first bounce, and he yanks her cloak up over her head before diving away. The onslaught ends with Robin and Beast Boy crashing to the floor at opposite ends of the dojo before Control Freak touches down.)
Control Freak: I'm not just some nerd you can push around anymore. (The camera circles around him, facing the Titans.) Thanks to the magic of television, I now possess a black belt in Astro-Jitsu... (hovers briefly) ...the Bionic Hero's rocket boots... (briefly creates an energy ball above his head) ...Benthar's wristbands of power... (reaches into his coat) ...and Captain Caleel's infamous gravo-blaster!
(On the end of this, cut to a close-up of said blaster as he raises it high. Raven slides up to Beast Boy who is drooling a bit at all this futuristic hardware.)
Raven: And in English?
Beast Boy: He's one seriously bad dude.
(Now the dude in question slips on a pair of sunglasses similar to those worn by Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator.)
Control Freak: (like the T-800) Hasta la vista, Titans!
(Overhead view of the dojo; using the rocket boots, he blasts off toward the ceiling. Static, which gives way to the exterior of a very tall building at night. Tilt up to its roof, where he touches down. Robin and Starfire are there in a heartbeat, the latter throwing every starbolt she can summon, but he just yawns, having ditched the shades now, and lets his wrist guards stop the shots. Cut to the two Titans; they stop short and scramble to avoid the ricochets coming right back at them. Control Freak has little time to celebrate before Beast Boy tackles him as a gorilla, and both roll off the edge of the roof.)
(Cut to the studio of the cooking show that has popped up on the airwaves from time to time. The chef is hard at work.)
Chef: And when the chocolate has melted, we add the snails.
(The broadcast is rudely interrupted when Beast Boy and Control Freak crash through the ceiling, wiping out everything on the counter. The green Titan transforms into a velociraptor and goes after the escapee, who starts shooting back at him. As the hapless chef peeks up from behind the counter, the long dinosaur tail whips his hat off. A moment later, Beast Boy is knocked into view, back in human form.)
Chef: (gasps, puts his hat back on, and waved a white flag) I cannot work in these conditions!
(He runs for it just before the changeling becomes a tiger and leaps at Control Freak for another go-but the rocket boots' exhaust pushes him back into the air. Within a second or so, he has turned into a hummingbird to get out of the gas streams, then a hippopotamus with the intent of flattening his enemy. A gravo-blaster beam suspends him just short of his target; tilt up as he is pushed back out through the hole in the ceiling, and stop on the animated program. The pelican is looking here and there in a very hilly area, still trying to find that missing hippo, and right on cue, Beast Boy floats into frame.)
Pelican: (hugging him) Oh, hippo, my hippo, I have missed you so!
(Static, then the horror movie. Cyborg is on the run, firing his cannon back at the flying Control Freak and dodging the latter's blaster shots. He is brought up short with a gasp when the portly couch potato lands right in front of him; a moment later, Control Freak leaps across the sodden yards and lands a high kick that dumps Cyborg flat. Raven circles around, putting him off guard as he tries to follow her movements, so he does not notice the tree behind him coming under her control. As she raises it high, Robin, Beast Boy in human form, and Starfire arrive on/around the limbs near her perch.)
(Raven brings her hands down, sending the mass of wood straight toward Control Freak. Instead of running for dear life, though, he hunches down and throws one fist forward to split it down the middle. The four Titans in the branches jump down and charge him, Cyborg moves in from the other direction, and he stands his ground for a long moment.)
Control Freak: Engage!
(The boots kick into gear and send him upward, throwing out huge waves that swamp everyone and fill the screen. When they clear, Raven is the only one even remotely dry, having created an umbrella-shaped shield over her head.)
Robin: Well...at least things can't get any worse.
(The background flips to static, then clears to gray and the words "NEWS ALERT" slide into view in front of them. This view shrinks to become a graphic the top left corner of the screen, revealing the news anchor from Act One doing a bulletin.)
Anchor: This just in. Interference by the criminal Control Freak has caused televisions throughout the city to emit harmful alpha waves, which disrupt the neural pathways of anyone watching the broadcast.
(During this line, cut to a series of shots of people staring vacantly straight ahead, the glow of an o.c. set flickering over them. These are actual, flesh-and-blood human beings, not animated characters. The anchor speaks in voice over on these shots; cut back to him on the end of the line. The graphic has now changed to show the word "ZOMBIES" in big red letters, along with a group of them shambling through a cemetery. From here, cut to Beast Boy, dressed in a suit and with his hair neatly combed for once. Robin and Cyborg are behind him.)
Beast Boy: Huh?
(Pull back. He and Raven are at the far end of the anchor desk; she has traded her cloak for a green blazer and is wearing the brooch as a lapel pin. Both have been pressed into newsroom duty, it seems, and the other three Titans are gathered behind them.)
Anchor: TV literally rots your brains.
Raven: (stacking copy sheets) Told you.
(Static, then fade to black.)
(Opening shot: two men, sitting in armchairs under side-by-side spotlights, in a setup similar to those used on PBS interview/commentary shows. The man on the left, the host, is bald, bespectacled, and bearded, with a stack of note cards in hand.)
Interview host: My guest tonight is Dr. Victor Payton, who has discovered the secret to world peace. Tell me, Doctor--
(He gets no further, as the Titans barrel through the studio at full gallop, knocking him and the cards everywhere. Beast Boy and Raven are back in their usual clothes. Payton stares incredulously as Robin moves back into view to address the camera.)
Robin: Do not watch this program! (runs up and seizes the camera) It will liquefy your brain! An escaped criminal has tampered with this transmission, and it is imperative that you turn off your television right now! (Pause.) I'm serious! Stop watching this show! (Raven leans in.)
Raven: I don't think they're listening. (Cut to the other three; Robin joins them.)
Beast Boy: Of course they're not listening! Breaking news, escaped criminals, a handsome, green heartthrob, this stuff is ratings gold!
Robin: (as the host gets up) If people won't turn off their TVs, there's only one way to save millions of viewers. (Down again.) We've gotta stop Control Freak fast! (Close-up of Starfire.)
Starfire: But how are we to do this? Inside the television, he is more powerful than Glorthrok the All-Seeing. (Pan to Cyborg.)
Cyborg: Yeah, the dude knows everything in here. (Beast Boy leans in.)
Beast Boy: Hel-lo? (Pull back; Raven has rejoined the group.) He's not the only one who's watched too much TV. I've wasted my whole life in front of the tube, and it's about to pay off. (leads the Titans away) Come on!
(Spinning-screen transition, similar to the one often used on Batman, with the Titans' insignia moving rapidly toward and then away from the camera. From here, cut to a long shot of the team's silhouettes; they are standing in front of a scrolling program grid, most of whose slots are marked "Nothing." Close-up of them, with only one face, the green one, showing a big smile as the grid's reflections play over everyone.)
Robin: Five hundred channels!
Raven: And still nothing on. (Close-up of Beast Boy, his eyes roving all around.)
Cyborg: (from o.c.) He could be anywhere! (The eyes stop.)
Beast Boy: There!
(Pull back. He runs to the grid and points out a particular slot.)
Beast Boy: The Space Network is having a Clash of the Planets marathon. If I was Control Freak, and I am so glad I'm not, that's where I'd be.
Starfire: Please, this Clash of the Planets is-- (Close-up of Beast Boy.)
Beast Boy: --Only the greatest sci-fi series ever made!
(Pull back. Sight gag: various oddball folks, dressed as characters, scroll by over his and Starfire's heads.)
Beast Boy: For an entire generation of fans, it's not just a TV show. (The title slides into view.) It's a way of life.
(Sunbeams shine from behind the text block; he gazes up adoringly at the display, but Starfire is considerably less at ease with this sudden outpouring of support. Static, then a letterbox view of outer space. This aspect ratio will remain until further notice. Tilt down through the stars and planets to stop on an impressive ship, then cut to a very wide, very deep vertical shaft within. A narrow catwalk leads to a suspended platform at the center, similar to the one on which Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader battled it out near the end of The Empire Strikes Back. Here come Baron Ryang and the young man he menaced in the clip Beast Boy was watching during Act One, battling their way along the walk. The former still has his double blade, while the latter has armed himself with a laser sai. After trading a few strikes, the two lean in face to face.)
Baron Ryang: Murakam has taught you well.
COTP Boy: This ends now! (Close-up of the masked face.)
Baron Ryang: On the contrary.
(A hard shove puts the youthful fighter on his back and knocks the sai from his hands; cut to him, flat on the catwalk, as Ryang's weapon is lowered toward him.)
Baron Ryang: (from o.c.) My reign of evil has just begun. (Pull back to frame him.) I shall never be defeated! Nev--
(The boast is chopped off when Control Freak flies across the screen and plows Ryang over the edge. He tumbles screaming into the abyss as the young man watches in disbelief; cut to a close-up of Ryang's retracted sword, which spins neatly into the fat lunatic's upraised hand. He then makes a very precise landing on the catwalk. Longer shot of the area, the youth scrambling backward toward the central platform to stay away from the slowly advancing figure, which has now donned a black cape and helmet to cover the overcoat.)
COTP Boy: Who are you?
(Close-up of the rocket boots, which step a bit nearer to the camera before stopping. Tilt up slowly on the next line to reveal all of Control Freak's new ensemble; black clothing under the coat and cape, metal neck piece and shoulder guards, helmet that comes down low over his eyes.)
Control Freak: I am Count Roll Freakow, the twelfth-level space samurai who trained Baron Ryang! (leans closer) And I am your father!
COTP Boy: NOOOOO!!
(Wipe to a corridor elsewhere in the ship. Down the way, Beast Boy leans into view around the corner to scope out the joint; a string of hand signals brings the rest of the Titans in, but he gets caught up in them that he does not notice their passage immediately. Finally, he gets it and hustles to catch up.)
Cyborg: Hey! I remember this scene! We're in the first episode of Season Four.
Robin: (to Beast Boy) How do you know we're going the right way?
Beast Boy: 'Cause we just passed the engine core, which means we're right below the detention level. (moves ahead o.c., fading out) So all we have to do is follow the main particle flux conduit to the galactic command center. (Raven and Starfire are left behind for the moment.)
Raven: Frightening. Truly frightening.
(Cut to inside an open doorway. The Titans step up and stop, surprised; pull back into this area to show many armed robots posted here. They turn as one, leveling their blasters.)
Robot: Identify yourselves!
(Four out of five Titans get fists and projectiles ready; the boob-tube addict, though, just walks off to one side and catches Raven flat-footed by swiping her cloak. As they watch, trying to figure out if he has totally gone bonkers, he puts it on and starts into his Obi-Wan Kenobi "Jedi mind trick" impression.)
Beast Boy: You don't need to see our identification.
(The robots trade a quizzical glance and promptly open fire.)
Beast Boy: (scared silly) Worth a shot!
(Pull back; he yells as the others charge past, Raven grabs her cloak back, and he becomes a triceratops to join the fracas. Wipe to a patch of outer space, against which the young man who fought it out on the catwalk is knocked into view, then tilt down to frame the ship's deck. The panorama is seen through the viewscreens. Overhead view, pulling back slowly as Control Freak walks up, then cut to a close-up. As the youth stands, the overzealous fan raises his weapon; pan slightly to frame the two blades as they are extended to one side. At the far end behind him, the door opens to reveal the Titans' silhouettes; Beast Boy is back in human form. He turns to them.)
Robin: Titans! Go! (They do so.)
Control Freak: (raises his blades; energy crackles out) There can be only one!
(He goes on the offensive like no one's business, driving both Starfire and Raven away and facing off against Cyborg next. The brawl moves underneath an elevated platform; he severs a pipe to release a flood of steam into the big man's face. Above him, Robin leaps up the wall and flings down a handful of discs, whose explosions just miss Control Freak after his last-second dive. The two race across the deck, keeping abreast of one another, and Robin smirks and throws a sarcastic wave. His opponent stares confusedly, not knowing what to make of this, and then runs flat into the barrier Raven has erected in his path.)
(He loses his helmet in the fall, and she has barely taken down the shield before Beast Boy makes the scene. One second is all it takes him to assume the form of a roaring tyrannosaurus rex, but Control Freak claps his headgear back on, sneers, and fires a grappling hook. The line winds around the huge green snout, snapping it shut, and Beast Boy assumes human form before being yanked to the floor.)
(The two girls get down to it with a starbolt barrage and a levitated computer cabinet being flung across the deck. All Control Freak does in response is to leisurely swing his weapon, parrying every blast and heavy object that comes his way.)
Control Freak: Your powers are insignificant next to the power of Control Freak!
(He holds one palm toward a distant bank of computers-and in a display that would impress even Raven, it tears loose under his control and goes flying. Starfire is hit full on, as is the original telekinetic, who has put up a shield to stop whatever he can throw at her. Both are left buried in the wreckage while Robin swings in, kicking the double-blade saber out of Control Freak's hand. Retracted, it clatters to the floor by the Titan's feet as he comes down in a crouch. Cut to the self-styled Count, who raises one hand effortlessly, then pull back and pan to the weapon. It returns to him in a moment; he extends the blades and gets set to attack, but Cyborg is there to take up the fight before he can move.)
(Robin flips and somersaults between the two, trying to buy his buddy a little time, and gets his fighting staff into play. Now he finds himself in the one-on-one fight and tries a couple of swings, only to have the shaft slashed into three pieces, two half-length ends and a short piece matching the space between the double blades. Pull back; in slow motion, Control Freak throws himself at the Boy Wonder, raising the saber to give him the closest haircut he has ever had or will ever have. A half-speed scream escapes the fleshy lips as he starts his descent; zoom in on Robin as Cyborg starts to run up from behind. Normal speed resumes and the Titans' leader takes a kick to the chest. Control Freak somersaults backwards and pushes off from Cyborg's back, driving him to the floor as well.)
(The melee reaches a sudden pause when Beast Boy plants his foot near the camera. Cut to him, an irate expression on his face and the coiled line from Control Freak's grappling hook in hand. He throws this aside; cut to the enemy, who retracts his blades, then to the grim green countenance. The eyes twitch and narrow slightly, giving no hint of what is to come next: a split-second transformation into a king-size elephant, but the tubby wacko is ready for it. Putting both hands together in front, he creates an energy ball, gathers his strength, and charges with a savage scream. When the two meet, the pachyderm is smashed backward and comes down on top of the captain's chair, wiping out most of the equipment in the area. As he skids to a stop and resumes human form, the entire ship starts to tremble from the system overloads he has just set off.)
(All the other Titans are shaken off their feet by the vibrations, but Control Freak retains his balance even as his "son" bails out. Next to come down are the black matte bars at the top and bottom of the screen, restoring the full-frame aspect ratio.)
Beast Boy: (standing up, with effort) I don't care how tough you are, dude! There's no way I'm letting you win!
Control Freak: Foolish snot-colored human. (extends the saber blades) Have you forgotten that I am a twelfth-level space samurai? Have you forgotten that in here... (Close-up.) ...I control the universe?
Beast Boy: (from o.c.) No... (Cut to him.) ...but I've seen every episode of this show, like, three hundred times. And I think you've forgotten that a twelfth-level space samurai can be banished to the null dimensions by the Hop Joon Chant!
(Sight gag; during this line, a pocket protector pops out on his chest in the appropriate spot, he hikes up his belt until it is halfway to his armpits, braces appear on his teeth, his hair develops a cowlick, and he acquires thick square glasses that have been mended with tape. He has become, in other words, the archetypical sci-fi nerd.)
(The gag ends and Control Freak's eyes widen in surprise. Close-up of one boot, stamping the floor, then tilt up as he starts into it. He has placed his hands over his head and is rubbing them together.)
Beast Boy: (chanting) Hop Joon Kang...Hop Joon Kang... (Cut to Control Freak and zoom in; he continues o.c.) ...Hop Joon Kang...
(Lightning strikes the raised blades on this last repetition and raises their wielder off his feet. More bolts make him drop the saber and leave him visible as only a writhing, screaming silhouette; it takes him a moment to get a real word out.)
Control Freak: NOOOOO!!
(The energy intensifies into a blinding glare, within which his image disintegrates. When the screen clears, he is back in his normal outfit and confined to a square panel at screen center.)
Control Freak: (bangs at it) But...but...but this is my world!
(The panel starts to pivot about a vertical line through its center to expose his back on the flip side; it is as flat as a pane of glass, and the chant has imprisoned him in it.)
Control Freak: I'm cool here! (It stops and shows his back; he turns around.) You guys can't win!
Beast Boy: (strolls up) Dude, this is television. The good guys always win. (Close-up of the fat face; Beast Boy continues o.c.) And you are so not the good guys.
(He is carried away; the young man is just behind, and a small red-and-yellow robot is beeping away at him. The two trade a hug, and Raven and Cyborg lean in at the foreground.)
Raven: Please tell me you know how to get us home.
(He gives her a big grin and wink as a sweat drop rolls down his temple. Dissolve to the exterior of the Tower; it is now the next day. Zoom in slowly and dissolve to the operations center, where everyone but Cyborg is drinking hot cocoa on the couch, evidently, he had the goods to back up that grin. Silkie sleeps in a basket near Starfire's feet. Close-up of the two boys.)
Robin: Well, I guess this whole experience proves it really is bad to watch too much TV. (Embarrassed, Beast Boy pulls his head down on this; pan to the girls.)
Starfire: But truthfully, we only prevailed because Beast Boy watches too much the television. (He perks up.)
Raven: So, there really isn't a lesson here. (Cyborg's hand lands on the couch.)
Cyborg: (from o.c.) Yep.
(Pull back. Now Cyborg is here as well, and he has brought Rebecca from the soap opera he crashed into during Act Two.)
Cyborg: It was all completely meaningless.
(All laugh, but lapse into confused silence as an audience laugh track is heard. Fade to black.)