February 19th, 2005
Cyborg the Barbarian
(Opening shot: the full moon, hanging low and large among drifting clouds in the night sky. Tilt down to a farmer's field, in which a scarecrow has been erected and fireflies wink here and there. Pan to follow them over to the barn, then dissolve to a pig sleeping blissfully in its mud. A second pan puts several others in view; the fireflies make their way over the porkers, and another dissolve sends the camera across a pasture filled with contented cows and the luminous insects. One final transition puts us at ground level on the farmhouse porch, where a man and woman are seated in rocking chairs as the fireflies flit among their legs.)
(Dissolve to a longer shot; this is an elderly couple, and she is hard at work on some knitting. Zoom in as a gust of wind plays across them, drawing their attention, then cut to the barn and tilt up to the moon above it. The source of the wind, a flying saucer, rises into view and swoops down past the porch; the old man and woman flick their eyes incuriously toward it as another gust blows past them.)
(Overhead view of the cow pasture. All the animals save one scatter from a pool of white light that shines down from above; this centers itself on the stationary animal, and the camera shifts to show the alien craft hovering above it. A hatch on the underside opens, allowing that light to pour forth unchecked, and the cow is seized in a set of three long pincers and hauled up. Cut to a long shot of the farmhouse and zoom in quickly; the man gets to his feet and pulls off his entire face, exposing Robin's head beneath it, he has been working undercover.)
Robin: Titans! Now!
(Zoom in on the scarecrow, which disintegrates as Raven emerges from the rags and zooms down. The old farmer's wife loses her glasses and knitting, and her entire body shreds itself when Starfire bursts out. Zoom in on the pigsty; one of the inhabitants wakes up, shakes itself clean, and turns into Beast Boy for a moment. He immediately assumes the form of a tyrannosaurus rex and sets off toward the flying saucer with thundering footsteps and a bellowing scream. The cow, meanwhile, is still being towed away; suddenly, a hatch opens up on the back and Cyborg pops out.)
(He shoots out two pincers with his sonic cannon, letting the faux bovine drop, and seizes the third one to swing himself up onto the fuselage. As soon as the cow's remains hit the ground in a shower of sparks, emitters pop out from the craft's underside and begin shooting beams in all directions. While Raven and Starfire do a little fancy dodging in midair, Robin, now fully out of his farmer disguise, has to rely on footwork to stay ahead of the one slicing into the dirt. Another shot scores a bullseye on Beast Boy, propelling him into the barn, and the ship starts to buck crazily in a ploy to throw the yelling Cyborg off its rim.)
Cyborg: It's getting awaaaaayyyyy!
(One hard spin sends him whirling toward the camera. Cut to the massive green dinosaur amid the debris from the wrecked barn; as the saucer whisks overhead, he resumes human form.)
Beast Boy: Cyborg!
(In a blink, he has become a pterodactyl and is flapping for all he is worth to get up there. Robin gives chase on the ground while both girls back up the aerial pursuit. Fade to black.)
OPENING THEME (sung in Japanese)
(Opening shot: a close-up of Cyborg, still hanging on for dear life and yelling his lungs out. The saucer backs up sharply and keeps trying to shake him loose, but he absolutely won't budge.)
Cyborg: Is that all you got?
(The ship does a violent flip and goes into a nose dive, and the rest of the Titans continue their desperate race to catch up. Robin is now hunched over the R-Cycle's handlebars and sporting a different set of gear from past rides. Instead of the red helmet marked with his trademark R, he sports a form-fitting black one with a yellow visor that reaches down low over his nose, much like a bird's beak. Also, his cape has changed, its hem is cut to resemble wing feathers. He leaps from the seat and spreads his arms wide; the wind picks up the cape's edge and allows him to glide along.)
Robin: Cyborg, we're closing in. Hang on!
(Beams explode around all four flyers; as Robin pulls away from the camera, we see that his gliding is helped along by jet thrusters built into his boots.)
Cyborg: That's what I'm trying to do!
(The saucer arcs high above the barn and then dives sharply into it, flying neatly through the open doors at both ends. Everyone else detours around the structure; Beast Boy quickly finds himself outpaced by Robin and, surprised and sweating a bit, hustles to pull even. As the screaming stowaway Titan hurtles along, the green avian drops out of sight from exhaustion. He quickly comes back up as a falcon, but falls behind again; next, as a hummingbird, he goes down once more. By the time he hits the ground, he has become a buffalo and started to run at full speed, but he is unable to keep up with the camera. Ostrich, cheetah, human, none of these forms gives him enough leg power to keep up with the four airborne Titans. Finally, he gives up and slumps over, trying to catch his breath.)
Beast Boy: How come I'm the only one who actually has to run?
(Cut to a block in Jump City. The saucer hurtles down the street, with Robin, Raven and Starfire hot on its tail, and opens fire. Raven creates a barrier to block the shots.)
Cyborg: Time to see what you got under the hood!
(He punches a hole in the edge; sparks fly everywhere and the thing stops dead, hurling him forward.)
(He crashes into a building and tumbles toward the street amid a shower of masonry fragments. All three flying Titans race down after him; several onlookers gasp in fright, and Raven pulls in to stop the rubble just short of the sidewalk. Robin and Starfire whisk the people to safety, after which the young telekinetic releases her hold and lets the junk hit the ground. Cyborg pokes his head out of the pile, shakes a bit to clear it, and looks around; pull back as the three reach him.)
Robin: Cyborg! Where did it go?
Cyborg: I don't know. (Beast Boy arrives as a bear.) It just disappeared.
(The shape-shifter resumes human form, and Robin pulls off his helmet.)
Robin: This is the third time this week it's gotten away!
Cyborg: (walks to Robin) Well, at least there's some good news.
Beast Boy: (panting) You've finally decided to let me drive the T-Car? (Pause.)
Cyborg: No! I found a new place for breakfast!
(As he says this, he backs up to reveal a restaurant behind him; Mega Meaty Meat, a diner-style place with a large cow's head on its sign. It is open; the sun rises to the sound of a rooster crowing. Cut to the group.)
Robin: (puzzled) Mega Meaty Meat? (Pull back to frame the sign, which moos.) I've never heard of this place before.
Raven: Sounds healthy.
Cyborg: Come on, guys. What better way to end an all-night stakeout than with a nice juicy steak? (Sight gag: his head grows briefly and he licks his chops.)
Beast Boy: Hel-lo? Does the word "I'm a vegetarian" mean anything to you? There is no way you could ever get me inside a place like that!
Robin: Besides, we should get back to the Tower and start tracking that ship.
(As everyone else heads off down the street, the carnivorous Titan ducks inside and emerges an instant later, chomping happily at his purchase; a hefty burger that he downs in one giant bite.)
Cyborg: (mouth full) Meat-tastic!
(Dissolve to a close-up of the word "HOT" in big red letters and pan to show the word "RIDE" to its right. Pull back; this is the cover of a magazine Beast Boy is reading on the roof of Titans Tower.)
Beast Boy: (sighs blissfully) I think I'm in love.
(He turns it sideways, unfurls a centerfold, and moans happily as he ogles it with hearts in his eyes. Behind him, Starfire moves wonderingly into view for a look.)
Beast Boy: (drooling) Isn't she amazing?
Starfire: Uh, you are aware this "she" you feel affection for is merely a land vehicle?
Beast Boy: (gets himself under control) This is no ordinary land vehicle, Starfire. (shows a centerfold to Starfire) You're looking at the Tidwell 3000.
(Close-up of his face, pulling back to frame the three-page illustration; a white moped marked with the brand name.)
Beast Boy: The sweetest moped ever built. (She looks up with some disgust.) You know, if I had one of these babies, hey! Why don't I have one of these babies?
(He studies the ad for another moment before a light bulb winks on above his head. The accompanying grin says that he has just had a brainstorm, warped though it might well be. Zoom in on the glowing bulb and dissolve to the operations center. On the window/screen is a still shot of the flying saucer, from last night's farm attack. Pull back to frame Robin at a computer console; a close-up shows that he has put on his normal cape.)
Robin: We've got to figure out why these things keep attacking farms. (Beast Boy leans in.)
Beast Boy: Robin, you know how sometimes in a chase, it's hard for me to keep up?
Robin: Uh, honestly, I've never really noticed.
(The green gearhead steams a bit at this. Close-up of the computer monitor; he leans down in front, smiling again and scaring Robin off the keys.)
Beast Boy: Well, I've found the solution.
(Sight gag: he pulls a large sheet of graphs into view, filling the screen. Zoom in on an open space as he leaps into it and changes to "Super Deformed" style. A drawing of the T-Car appears nearby.)
Beast Boy: You've seen the T-Car, and the T-Ship, and we all think the R-Cycle and your new glider thingie are way cool.
(During this line, the drawing changes to each vehicle in question, Robin jumps off his chopper to glide, and the entire drawing changes to a background of exploding stars. It then snaps back to white as he moves to center screen.)
Beast Boy: But now it's time to introduce the newest Titan vehicle. Ladies and gentlemen, dudes and dudettes, I give you... (The Tidwell 3000 appears over his head.) ...the B-Ped!
(Stars fly everywhere, and hearts float up from him as he gazes adoringly and it rotates slowly as if on a turntable. It has a small "T!" insignia affixed to its front end.)
Robin: (voice over) Beast Boy, you don't need a moped.
(On the end of this, everything but the SD Titan winks out, leaving him very surprised. The gag ends; cut to the pair.)
Robin: You can fly.
(Beast Boy drops the notes he has brought along to bolster his case and shuffles off.)
Beast Boy: Yeah, but my arms get tired.
(Dissolve to a close-up of him at a drawing board. On the next line, cut to an overhead view and zoom in slightly; he has drawn a schematic of the vehicle.)
Beast Boy: Okay, then, me and Cyborg will just have to build one.
(Close-up of a cow's head and shoulders; the beast is suspended from ceiling hooks, and the glare of welding sparks plays over the motionless face. Pull back to show it as the mechanical livestock Cyborg hid in the night before, and he is making repairs. With no warning, Beast Boy pops up and spreads out his blueprint in the big man's face.)
Beast Boy: Come on, Cyborg! I'll even let you design the rocket launcher.
Cyborg: Sorry, BB, gotta fix up the Cy-Cow. (lowers the welding mask) We might need to go back undercover.
(He bends to his work, prompting the little goofball to fume and stalk away. Cut to the operations center, where Robin has cleared out and Raven now floats several feet above the floor, reading.)
Beast Boy: (paces) I'm telling you, it's a conspiracy! Robin says no, Cyborg says no, how am I supposed to get a moped if everyone keeps shutting me down?
Raven: Well, you could always just get a job and buy one.
Beast Boy: Oh!
(Dissolve to the exterior of GameStation Labs, a multi-story research facility in Jump City. We then see a large door inside marked "Test Lab," followed by the interior of this room. It is dark in here, and Beast Boy is facing a long mirror set in one wall. There is a speaker set in the glass, suggesting that it is one-way.)
Beast Boy: So let me get this straight. All I have to do is play video games all day long, and you'll pay me? With money? (The other side of the mirror; several observers are here.)
Observer: That's correct. We need regular kids like you to beta-test our ultra-experimental GameStation Turbo Extreme.
(Back to Beast Boy, who looks as if he might wet his pants over this prospect. He cuts his eyes off to one side; there is a blinding flash from that direction and his face is nearly pushed off his skull. The radiance wipes out the entire screen and slowly subsides to expose a mammoth tower of a gaming system. Its surfaces are bedecked with glowing red circuitry, and the camera tilts down to fully frame the huge steel letters bolted onto the sides: "GSTX." Beast Boy stands awestruck before the setup and a panel with controls and screen. A waterfall of tears pours from each eye as a bit of snot hangs unnoticed from his nose.)
Beast Boy: (moaning happily) It's so shiny!
Observer: (over the speaker) Yes, it is very shiny. But remember, this is our only prototype, so please, be careful.
Beast Boy: No problem. I deal with high-tech stuff all the time.
(He crosses the room and tweaks a joystick. Beeping, a button press, and the camera cuts to outside the lab. There is a thundering explosion beyond the door, which falls off its hinges in a thick cloud of smoke. Dissolve to a pan along a Jump City sidewalk; he makes his way into view, all his hair burned off, his body smoking, his brain still reeling from the mishap. Needless to say, he is out of a job, but he promptly stops at a sign in a widow: "Human Help Wanted.")
Beast Boy: "Help Wanted." Sweet!
(He is about to rush in, but takes a wary look upward. Pull back to show that he is standing outside Mega Meaty Meat, the one place he swore he would never enter. The huge cow's-head sign moos.)
Beast Boy: (groans) Not sweet.
(He trudges off. Dissolve to a house in the suburbs, then cut to a close-up of the front doorbell. A label marked "Ring This" is set above it, and Beast Boy reaches into view and follows orders. Pull back; he has changed into a suit and hat, his hair is back in order, and the mother and daughter who answer the door seem a bit off guard at his presence. He has the salesman act down, including the briefcase he carries.)
Beast Boy: (tipping his hat) Are you tired of vacuums that just don't...do the job?
(He strides in, drops his case on the floor; leading to a startled yowl from an o.c. cat, and pulls off his hat. Holding it right side up, he lets a shower of dirt pour onto the carpet until it has formed a pile nearly as tall as he is. General horrified reaction as he plunks the fedora back on his head and rummages in the case.)
Beast Boy: Well, look no further, sir or madam. (He yanks out a vacuum cleaner.) The Hose-a-tron X-9 and its state-of-the-art cyclotronic action is guaranteed to make the housework a breeze. With one flip of the switch, see how easily it cleans up this bag of dirt I got from your yard.
(The thing cranks up. Cut to the exterior of the house, which is promptly blown straight up to heaven-a bit too much horsepower for the job, obviously. From here, cut to Mega Meaty Meat; the "Human Help Wanted" notice is still in the window, and the big sign moos again. Beast Boy limps up, freshly unemployed and now in terrible shape, suit shredded, one eye blacked, huge lump over the other one, cast on one arm. He stops at the door and proceeds to bring up the entire Hose-a-Tron in one mighty retch.)
Beast Boy: Seriously, not sweet.
(Another moo. Dissolve to a group of kids in the park; they are walking up to a gaily dressed figure who is only slightly in view.)
Girl: I want a monkey!
(Close-up of the figure's face: Beast Boy, dressed and made up as a clown, and not enjoying this new gig one bit.)
Beast Boy: Right. Monkey. I can do that.
(Pull back to frame a large box marked "Balloon Animals" next to him. He fishes around for a second and comes up with an uninflated balloon, whose end he shoves in his mouth. Deep breath; pull back as the thing expands to at least twenty times the diameter that any ordinary rubber party balloon should be able to reach. Tying off the neck, he tries his best to shape the vast bulging rubber form into something recognizable, only to have it end up in its original round shape. One mighty squeeze causes the balloon to bulge onto the kids' heads; they recoil from the awful squeak of latex against glove fabric as Beast Boy tries his best to make a monkey. Sight gag: cut to an outer-space view of Earth, from whose surface the thing now extends toward the moon before exploding with enough force to shake the entire planet.)
(Back in the park, Beast Boy's clown outfit swells out of all measure and explodes off his body, revealing his usual outfit beneath and angering the little girl no end. New sight gag: against a red background, her head grows to fill the screen as she yells at him.)
Girl: That's not a monkey! You stink! (Gag ends; all walk away; stunned silence from him.)
Beast Boy: Wait! Monkey! Look!
(He laughs frantically and drops out of sight; tilt down to ground level, where he has turned himself into the made-to-order primate. No dice, though, as the customers have deserted him for good. The end of his tail flops over in a lonely gust of wind that whistles through the park. From here, dissolve to the sidewalk outside Mega Meaty Meat. Here comes the thrice-terminated Titan, slumped over, down in the mouth, sporting a serious case of five-o'clock shadow, but this time, he turns his steps toward the window and its "Human Help Wanted" sign. As soon as he is inside, he takes it out of the window.)
(Cut to him, shuffling across the lobby and staring glumly at the sign. After a few steps, he stops short and looks up with combined surprise and horror; the reason is revealed when the camera cuts to the menu board. Every single item on it is a cut of meat, and a tilt down the wall reveals the outline of a side of beef, with each entrée marked as to where it is cut from. When Beast Boy rises into view, his twisted expression and the hands clapped to his cheeks reveal just how truly revolting this display is for a vegetarian like him. Cut to the restaurant's mascot; a guy in a steak costume and bow tie, and zoom in; he speaks in a high voice, the suit's mouth not moving. Link sausages spiral behind him.)
Mascot: It's meat-tastic!
(On this line, the disheveled Titan leans into view, his mouth stretched in a silent scream. Back to him, an extreme close-up.)
Beast Boy: Okay, bad idea.
(On the next line, a chipper adult male voice speaks up, think Ward Cleaver, the father on Leave It to Beaver, or Professor Utonium on The Powerpuff Girls. As Beast Boy hunches down, the speaker is revealed in shadow behind him. We can see the gleam of eyeglasses, a pot belly, a short-sleeved white shirt, necktie, and name tag. This is Bob.)
Bob: Hey there, Jimmy. I see you found our sign. (leans forward forcefully) Do you like meat?
(The motion brings his chin squarely down on the would-be employee's head and exposes his face fully. Hair in a 1950s style, gray at the temples and back, horn-rimmed glasses.)
Beast Boy: It's Beast Boy, actually, and I'm a vegetarian. So I really shouldn't be here.
(He takes one long step away, leaving Bob to crash flat on his face, and heads out. However, the man is quickly up again and just as cheerful once he gets his balance back.)
Bob: That's super, Ricky. Say, do you like mopeds?
(This stops him short at the door; zoom in on the suddenly crazed eyes, then cut to Bob as he slides over to something covered with a curtain.)
Bob: Because we're giving away one of these spiffy land vehicles to our Employee Person of the Month.
(He pulls a nearby cord, dropping out of sight, and up goes the curtain to reveal a gleaming Tidwell 3000 on a pedestal. In no time flat, Beast Boy, his facial stubble gone, zips up and touches the tip of one finger to its seat, as if expecting the thing to explode or disintegrate on contact. When it does neither, he hugs it blissfully and rubs his cheek against the seat as hearts float all around him. Dissolve to a shot of him, dressed in his Frenchman getup as in "Winner Take All" and "Betrayal"; he revs the engine for the enjoyment of a knot of young women. Cut from this mental picture back to the suddenly enthusiastic Titan, perhaps a bit crazed.)
Beast Boy: When can I start?
(He drools a bit and is promptly yanked away by Bob. Cut to the counter; he now wears an apron and a paper cap, and Bob shoves him to a register. Pull back to frame the stools for customers to perch on.)
Bob: Welcome to Mega Meaty Meat, Lenny.
Beast Boy: No, it's Jimmy...I-I-I mean, Beast Boy. Uh, maybe I could just have a name tag.
Bob: (pointing at his own tag) You can call me Bob.
Beast Boy: (unnerved) Okay. (Hand on his shoulder.)
Bob: I like you, Danny. (Long pause.) I'll be in the back.
(The new cashier stares, puzzled, as Bob goes to a door marked "Employees Only" and stops to give an index-finger gun. As he enters the back room, the door swings open long enough to expose frozen sides of beef hanging there. Beast Boy utters a queasy little moan.)
Beast Boy: There's one place I definitely won't be going. (suddenly worried) Hey, wait! A-Aren't you supposed to train me or something? Hello? Bob?
(Close-up of a bell on the counter. A hand rings it, Beast Boy looks up in alarm, and the camera shifts to point out into the lobby, which has instantly filled up with customers. One fat guy steps up to the counter; tilt up to frame his face and considerable girth. The rookie steps up to the cash register.)
Beast Boy: Can I, um, uh, take your order?
Fat customer: Gimme the Number One.
Beast Boy: Right. Number One. Coming up. Any minute now.
(Cut to a slot in the wall, on one side where the counter wraps around. Right on cue, a tray slides out through it from the back room and stops neatly at the register. Only it is a freshly made sandwich on a hamburger bun.)
Beast Boy: (picks up the tray) Uh...does this look like a Number One to you?
(The guy gives a puzzled "I don't know" grunt, takes the food, and walks off. More trays promptly slide out in such quick succession that they start knocking into one another. Confusion sets in for the beleaguered employee, who looks back toward the slot; cut to it and zoom in, no more food coming out for the moment.)
(In the back room, empty trays are carried along on a conveyor belt. A dollop of white goo is dumped onto each and instantly forms into a sandwich. The source is revealed when the camera pulls back; Bob is here, his arms having become wads of this slop.)
Bob: Everything is going according to plan, Supreme Creator.
(Extreme close-up of an oscilloscope display. The flatline gives way to a signal that jumps with the sound of the next voice, which is heavily distorted; the Supreme Creator.)
Voice of Creator: And the humans?
(The belt again. Now nothing remains of Bob but his head on a tray.)
Bob: They suspect nothing.
(He becomes a sandwich, and an exact duplicate walks up to the belt. This one's glasses shine with an unwholesome inner light, and his mouth is twisted up in to a cruel grin. Cut to a close-up, zooming in as his laughter climbs in pitch, and fade to black.)
(Opening shot: the exterior of Mega Meaty Meat, its sign mooing loudly. Inside, Beast Boy is at the counter, the other Titans are seated in front of him, and the mascot is at one end. The human steak has put on a cowboy hat in addition to his bow tie.)
Cyborg: Let's see. (rapid fire) I'll have eight Number Threes, five Number Twos, two Number Ones... (normal speed) ...and a diet soda. (The items appear as he names them.)
Beast Boy: Actually, we don't have soda, only meat.
Cyborg: Okay. Then make it a cup of meat juice.
Starfire: Please. Specifically, what variety of meat is it that you serve?
Beast Boy: Um...Bob says that's a trade secret.
Raven: Are you the only one who works here?
Beast Boy: Bob says that's a trade secret, too.
Robin: So where is this Bob, anyway?
Beast Boy: In the back.
Robin: Yeah. I'm glad you found a way to make some extra money, Beast Boy... (Overhead view of the place.) ...but don't you think this place seems a little...weird?
(He pops up near the camera and pulls out a French-fry box filled with meat sticks.)
Beast Boy: Dude, they have fries made out of meat. Yes, this place is weird, and I hate it! (Cut to the moped; he moves to it, so happy he might cry.) But I'm not leaving 'til I earn that moped.
(The scrape of trays against the counter draws his attention; cut to the wall slot, where four loaded ones have just emerged. Once each customer has been served, cut to a close-up of Raven and pull back as she speaks. The mascot is standing right next to her, waving his arms.)
Raven: Okay. I can't eat until that thing stops looking at me.
Mascot: It's meat-tastic! (Cyborg wolfs down his food in one bite.)
Cyborg: (mouth full) Mmmm! This really is meat-tastic!
(Robin eyes his lunch warily, looking as if he has just been stricken with stomach cramps, and is saved from having to eat when his communicator sounds off. Out it comes for a quick look.)
Robin: Trouble! The UFO is back! (All run out, Beast Boy climbing over the counter.)
Beast Boy: Let's go!
(Raven stops at the door, as does he.)
Raven: Uh, won't you get fired? (Cyborg leans back in.)
Cyborg: (mouth full) It's cool, BB. We'll handle it.
(He and Raven clear out. Head-on view of the suddenly dejected fifth team member, pulling back out through the door as he waves sadly; it closes to hide him from view. In the streets of Jump City, the flying saucer that turned up earlier on races along with enough speed to make the pavement shake. Robin is first to pursue, jumping the R-Cycle up a hill; he has again donned his glider cape and helmet.)
Robin: Okay, Titans. Just like we planned. (Raven and Starfire pull up behind him.) Go!
(They zoom ahead, while Cyborg throws himself off a rooftop and hurtles toward the passing craft. The drop leaves him far behind it, but the girls catch him, one arm apiece, and haul the grinning big man down the block. Inside a building stairwell; one door opens and the R-Cycle barrels through and begins to climb, tires screaming on every step. Outside again; the saucer flashes along a street, but the Boy Wonder crashes out through an upper-story window and bounces off the upper fuselage to put it in a tailspin. As it blunders around, Raven and Starfire throw Cyborg on board; he bashes at it a bit as they make a new pass and fire their respective shots. Those underside emitters pop out and open up on the pair, forcing them to curve wide as the chase reaches open air again.)
(The free movement lasts only a second or two before the fracas dives in between the buildings of another street. Cyborg is about to punch farther into the saucer's skin, but a sideways flip slams him into a building and throws him off. It swings low to the ground, just staying ahead of a starbolt barrage, and Robin guns his engine to catch up. He steers straight for the bridge over Jump City Bay and begins to ride up its support cables, as he did while trying to catch Johnny Rancid in "Fractured." However, it is apparent that he has learned a thing or two about riding since the accident that left him with a broken arm.)
(The saucer veers all over the place, but Raven stops it in its tracks by manifesting her "soul-self"; it turns tail and runs from the screeching bird apparition. Now Robin jumps his chopper high off a column and sails over the fleeing UFO. In the middle of a 360-degree flip, he scales a disc at it and scores a direct hit that freezes the whole thing solid. He rides neatly down the cable, but the alien ship has a much rougher trip, bouncing off buildings and finally skidding hard along the street. It is brought to a very sudden stop by Cyborg, who rushes up and shatters the ice with a single punch; cut to just inside a break in the fuselage as he rips it open, cannon set to blast. Robin, Raven, and Starfire arrive on the next line.)
Cyborg: Okay! Whatever you are, come out with your hands or tentacles up!...Huh?
(Confused, he powers down. Cut to outside the craft; he breaks the fissure wider and finds himself eye to eye with a cow. None of the others can believe their eyes, and the same disbelief is written in his own as he backs up.)
Raven: So...we're being invaded by cows?
Starfire: Use caution, please. The cow people of Garlon Prime are most formidable. (Close-up of Cyborg, zooming in on his eye implant.)
Cyborg: No. (His perspective, scans the animal.) This is just a plain old Earth cow.
(Pull back on this line to show it hooked up to a large piece of equipment. The view changes to show its skeleton and highlight various parts of the rig.)
Cyborg: And it's not the pilot. It's the power supply! (Pull back; he frees it.)
Robin: (as it passes) But if the cow's not controlling the ship, who is?
(A blast cuts off his cogitations and throws him and the girls back. Overhead view of the area, zooming in on the four Titans; the downed saucer is out of commission, but two others fly in to take its place. One of them was the shooter, or perhaps it was a member of the squadron that comes up over the buildings.)
Cyborg: I guess we're gonna find out the hard way!
(More shots send them diving for cover. Cut to the exterior of Mega Meaty Meat, which visibly shakes due to the ruckus that can be heard inside. We then see a huge crowd of very angry customers, followed by Beast Boy trying to keep it all under control at the cash register.)
Beast Boy: Okay, uh...that's three Number Ones and a Number Two...no, you said you wanted a Number Three.
Skinny customer: Could I please have some nuggets?
Beast Boy: (boils over; the register cracks in his grip) For the last time, we DON'T HAVE NUGGETS!!! (calls o.c.) Uh, Bob? (Pan slightly to frame him.) Any chance you want to help me out here?
Bob: That's great, Billy. I'll be in the back.
(Before Beast Boy can fulfill every disgruntled worker's fantasy by cussing out the boss, Bob is on his way to the back room. Said worker manages only a frustrated cry; cut to a close-up of the door as he reaches into view toward it, a vein throbbing in the back of his hand.)
Beast Boy: (from o.c.) But...no!
(An order slides out from the wall slot and is promptly seized by the green one, man wait staff.)
Beast Boy: (his temple vein throbs) Uh, you'll have to wait your turn. (throws sandwiches everywhere) I'm going as fast as I can!
(They are caught in hands and mouths, and in short order he has gotten rid of the entire armload. Tilt up to his face as he voices a panicked scream; a moment later, he is at the wall slot.)
Beast Boy: (softly) Uh, Bob? (laughing nervously) We need some eat-may for the ustomer-cays. (Cut to just inside the slot, pointing out at everyone.) Uh, hello? Anyone? (peeks farther in) I have a little problem out here.
(Close-up of two fists slamming to the counter, then tilt up to show them belonging to the fat customer who turned up at the end of Act One.)
Fat customer: (with mounting rage) I want my Meaty Meat!
Beast Boy: Um, I'll be in the back.
(As if trying to outrun an atomic bomb, he dashes across the floor and through the door that leads to the refrigerated back room. Once inside, he stops short after a step or two and eyes the enormous frozen meat slabs with great trepidation. His ears droop and a shivery moan escapes his lips before he moves on ahead.)
Beast Boy: It's for the moped, it's for the moped, it's for the moped, it's for the moped...
(Not fully paying attention to where he is going, he runs into a side of beef and stumbles back. It sounds a little more wooden than it really ought to, though.)
Beast Boy: Huh?
(The thing pivots 180 degrees on its meathook and exposes a monitor built into its rear surface. Pan along the length of this walk-in freezer as the others do likewise, after which Beast Boy looks off in another direction. Here, a light flicks on to show a cow hooked up to a system just like the one inside the downed flying saucer. More lights expose row on row of cubicles built into the walls of a huge circular chamber; each is just big enough to hold one bovine and its power train.)
Beast Boy: Hey, this isn't a restaurant, it's a...it's a...what is this place?
Voice of Creator: It is the mother ship, green human worker.
Beast Boy: So this is where all the UFOs are coming from! Why are you here? And what are you doing to all these cows?
(Cut to just behind him and zoom in slowly. Before he stands a huge steel tank with many hoses and connections running from it: the Creator's housing.)
Voice of Creator: In exchange for providing us power for our technology...
(Close-up; the oscilloscope seen at the end of Act One is built into this tank.)
Voice of Creator: ...we have replaced them in your food chain with a nutritious, meat-free substitute.
Beast Boy: Wait. You mean Meaty Meat is actually tofu? (Zoom in slowly on the screen.)
Voice of Creator: Not tofu. Newfu. Tofu comes from your planet's soybeans. Newfu comes from me.
(Back to the befuddled green human worker. The entire place shakes in the grip of a sudden tremor; pull back to show the massive tank trembling and emitting clouds of steam that cover the floor. Locking pins are released, a hatch opens, a hose blows out, and Beast Boy sweats bullets at the sight of it all. The next one to pop sends him running in order to keep from being crushed or burned to death by the steam. Piece by piece, the entire assembly collapses into the blinding clouds that wash over the Titan. As the haze clears, he looks up in shock and the camera cuts to a group of three upright storage tanks; one small, two large, with open fronts, hooked to it. Zoom in on the small one, whose opaque cover slides down to reveal what looks like a block of tofu with a grinning face. Sitting in a bubbling liquid, this is the Source; the heart of the Creator assembly. However, its voice is no longer menacing and distorted, but high and quite silly.)
Source: I am the Source!
(It strains and scrunches its face up; tilt down as bulges form in the hoses running to the large tanks and start to flow. Utterly horrified, Beast Boy watches those bulges gurgle their way to the top and drop in as slimy blobs of Newfu that pile up.)
Beast Boy: Okay. Gross.
(The mess elongates vertically and forms into a copy of Bob; now we know what happened to the one that took himself apart to make sandwiches at the end of Act One, and where his replacement came from.)
Bob: No, Tommy, it's delicious. And you really shouldn't be in the back.
(Grinning dementedly, he closes in on the camera. Fade to black.)
(Opening shot: a close-up of the absolutely stunned Beast Boy, zooming in slowly as he stares pie-eyed at the camera. Pull back; the newly formed Bob rushes up and takes a few swings that hit nothing, then decks him a good one. Standing up as a very large and very angry bear, the young hero repays the blow with interest, one clawed swipe that drops Bob to the floor, where he liquefies back into a puddle of Newfu. Beast Boy resumes human form and panics, having ditched his apron and cap.)
Beast Boy: Bob? Oh, man, I'm so gonna get fired!
Source: No matter. There are plenty more where he came from.
(A bit of straining produces another Bob clone within seconds.)
Bob: Hey! Nice shot there, Randy.
Beast Boy: So let me get this straight. You've come from outer space to steal our cows and replace them with Newfu?
Source: Yes, green human. And when we leave, we will blow up your planet.
(Tilt quickly up to a large spherical device suspended from the ceiling of this chamber-the device that will make it happen. The Source's mad cackling floats up from floor level; back to Beast Boy.)
Beast Boy: What?! Why? What have we ever done to you?
Source: It is our way. (Pull back slowly.) We are Newfu. (Many Bobs slide in to block the way.)
Bobs: Say goodbye, Tammy. (Cut to Beast Boy, surprised, and zoom in.)
Beast Boy: (incensed) Dude, that's a girl name!
(Within the space of two steps, he has transformed into a rhinoceros and started a charge. The sheer tonnage sends Bobs flying everywhere; two hit the wall, one back first, one face first. The second of these melts down for a moment and reconstitutes himself to show his grinning face and shining glasses. Now all those horn-rimmed lenses glow with that same infernal light as Beast Boy resumes human form. More Bobs step in to cut off his retreat; he becomes a roaring gorilla and gets both massive fists into play, bashing clones every which way. A huge leap carries him toward a Bob who doesn't even budge at the oncoming beatdown. The impact smashes this one into goo, but many others hurl themselves onto the giant green ape and melt down, trapping all but his head within a mound of Newfu. Beast Boy resumes human form.)
Beast Boy: You won't get away with this! (Cut to the Source; zoom in slowly.)
Source: Oh, but we will. My collector ships are dealing with your friends. Your magnificent cows are mine, this ship is fueled, and once we leave orbit... (A Bob pops up.)
(The exterior of Mega Meaty Meat; now it is nighttime. The building just behind it slides down, retracting into the ground and exposing the mother ship concealed behind the facade. Total pandemonium is heard from within the restaurant, and a crowd of terrified customers pours out the door.)
(Back to the bogged-down Titan, still struggling to pull out of the mess. He disappears entirely into it and, as the grinning Bobs watch, bursts out as an elephant. It takes him no time to get his trunk working and make short work of the enemies, and he then runs to the Source as himself. The white slab gasps as both gloved hands wrap around the tank's glass surface.)
Source: What are you doing? (It is picked up.)
Beast Boy: I'm guessing your ship won't leave without you!
(He turns to make his escape, but the Bobs are back on their feet and squarely in his way. One giant leap carries him overhead; he turns into a falcon on the way up and takes wing, clutching the stolen container in his talons. Cut to the kitchen; he bursts out from the back room in human form, vaults over the counter, and beats feet for the door. After he has passed o.c., though, there is a screech of boot soles against the tiles and he backs up to stare bewildered at the camera. The reason for his stop is revealed when the camera shifts to frame the Tidwell 3000 on display. Its glistening contours are practically begging to be taken for a ride, and Beast Boy grins widely at the thought as hearts pop in his eyes.)
(Cut to just outside the closed door of Mega Meaty Meat, which flies open as the moped goes sailing out of it. Beast Boy has one foot perched on the seat, the other on the floorboard, one hand on the throttle, and the Source under his other arm. He has also put on red goggles, a helmet marked with the Titans' insignia, and a long white scarf whose ends trail behind him.)
Beast Boy: Yee-ha! (The jump brings him down in the street.) This is so cool!
Source: Foolish human! I've created enough Newfu for an army of the Bobs! You will never get away! Your city is doomed! YOUR PLANET IS DOOMED!
(The rider looks ahead and lets go with a high, panicked scream. Down the way, blocking the street from sidewalk to sidewalk, is the aforementioned army, and he is bearing down on them. A tearing dry skid brings him to a sideways stop just short of the first rank. Despite all that has happened in the past two minutes, they are all still smiling genially.)
Bob: Hiya, Donny. Say, be a sport and hand over our Supreme Creator, would you?
("Donny" peels out instead, just in time to stay out of reach of the Bobs who try to tackle him. Off he goes, reaching a drawbridge that crosses a canal, but suddenly, he stops, finding another contingent of clones here as well. Tense silence.)
Bobs: All we want is the Source, Andy, and your cows.
(Long shot of the bridge: they and he are at opposite ends. The standoff continues as the camera cuts to his.)
Beast Boy: Not gonna happen.
(He guns the engine, pops a wheelie, and points his wheels directly at the Bobs.)
Source: Insolent human! Your futile charge will end in defeat!
Beast Boy: Oh, yeah? You forget, we're riding on a Tidwell 3000. (Close-up of a red button on the handlebar; he continues o.c.) And it has turbo!
(His thumb comes down on the control, igniting a pair of afterburners that generate a surge of nearly uncontrollable acceleration. The change in speed flips the front wheel up and sends Beast Boy and the Source over the Bobs' heads; an ecstatic whoop from the former, terrified screaming from the latter, and they have made a clean getaway. Cut to the exterior of the Tower, then to the operations center as they come roaring in. The moped skids to a stop by itself next to the couch, and Beast Boy, having jumped off, touches down near the kitchen. Sight gag: a capacity stadium crowd cheers his landing as three judges hold up cards showing perfect-10 scores. This ends once the Source starts to berate him with enough force that he has to hold the container at arm's length.)
Source: You will suffer for your impudence, green human! I am the Source! Fared across three galaxies! DESTROYER OF--
(During this line, the view snaps to black and resolves to the interior of the refrigerator as Beast Boy opens it and shoves him in. The closing of the door blacks out the screen again and cuts off the words; snap to him, sighing wearily and crumpling to the floor from the stress of this insane part-time employment. A second later, he shakes off his motoring accessories.)
Beast Boy: Okay. Think, Beast Boy, think.
(He soon gives that up in favor of a frustrated little whine and hair-pull. Snap to black, then to the fridge interior as he opens it to address the Source.)
Beast Boy: I've got questions, and you better give me answers! (He pounds the shelf, shaking everything.) How do I free the cows, stop the Bobs, and shut down the Destruct-o-Tron?
(This last, then, is the device that will be used to destroy Earth after departure. The Source laughs, long and contemptuously.)
Source: Foolish green human! I will never tell! And when my ship fails to launch as planned, it will detonate automatically!
(Extreme close-up of the supremely annoyed green face, its lower snaggle-tooth gleaming viciously in a chance bit of light. Suddenly, he hauls the Source out of the fridge; cut to it, being set down on a plate and out of its container. The clinking of silverware is heard under the following line.)
Source: Submit to my greatness, and I might just spare your pathetic, uh...
(Pull back. It is on the kitchen table, and around it a lit candelabra, folded napkin, glass of orange juice, and vase with a flower in it. Beast Boy has just prepared a place setting for himself.)
Source: ...what, what is this?
(A fork stabs into the table; pull back to show the vegetarian seated here.)
Beast Boy: Lunch. (The Source screams and shivers.) And I just happen to be in the mood for a nutritious meat-free substitute.
Source: Really? (clears his throat) Y...you're just trying to scare me! (He leans closer.)
Beast Boy: Am I? Say hello to my good friend, barbecue sauce!
(He holds up a bottle on the end of this and proceeds to slather its contents all over the intergalactic holy terror, which coughs and splutters angrily before losing its nerve.)
Source: STOP!! (It spits out sauce.) The secret is water! Newfu reverts to its normal state in the presence of water! Please don't eat me!
Beast Boy: That's more like it. (holds up a jug of soy sauce) Now let's talk cows.
(Cut to a slow pan along the rooftops of Jump City, then to Beast Boy on his new motorized steed. He has again donned his helmet, goggles, and scarf, and he skids to a stop as a Bob steps into view near the camera.)
Bob: Well, hey there, Benji. (twitches) Ready to face utter destruction? (More join him; Beast Boy dismounts.)
Beast Boy: No. (pulls out a Super Soaker) Are you?
(He starts pumping to work up a little pressure, but the Bobs just stand pat and the one who just spoke holds that contorted grin. Beast Boy's eyes narrow and pop before he makes his move, leveling his toy at the unearthly operatives as if it were an AK-47. Close-up of the muzzle as it starts to spew water, then cut to a slow pan across the Bobs, scattered up and down the block. The stream inundates every last one of them.)
Bob: Ooh! That sure is wet.
(Then, just as the Source claimed, they all turn back into blocks of Newfu and tumble to the pavement.)
Beast Boy: You know something, Bob? You're a lousy manager.
(His foot hits the floorboard, his finger finds the turbo button and the handlebars, and the camera pulls back to frame all of him.)
Beast Boy: All right, B-Ped. Time to save the Earth.
(He peels out in a cloud of burned-rubber fumes and zeroes in on Mega Meaty Meat, popping a wheelie as he crashes through the door. Inside, among the thousands of cows in their wall cubicles, he stares up at the giant Destruct-o-Tron hanging from the ceiling and is frozen in his tracks. The thought of trying to take it down has absolutely floored him.)
Beast Boy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
(During this line, cut back and forth between him and the doomsday device; after it, we see a close-up of a yellow legal pad. Three lines are marked "Destruct-o-Tron," "Bobs," and "Cows"; each has a box next to it; this is a "to do" list. The first box is marked off, but a pencil eraser quickly does away with the X and the entire pad is pulled away to show an overhead view of Beast Boy and this thing.)
Beast Boy: Maybe this can wait.
(He starts to walk away. Sight gag: against a paper-cutout silhouette of the skyline, as the other Titans battle a fleet of the Source's ships, he drives across with a herd of cows balanced on his head and returns without them. Another trip takes a few hundred more head of cattle to safety, after which the gag ends and the camera goes into a long, quick pan. Now the green avenger sails over a swarm of Bobs and unloads a pair of Super Soakers in all directions.)
(From here, cut to a ground-level close-up of his front wheel touching down; he slams on the brakes, and the camera pulls back as he leaps to the pavement. The myriad of Bobs floating behind him change back into Newfu slabs. Back to Mega Meaty Meat, crashing through the door again, and he whimpers a bit during his deceleration inside.)
Beast Boy: Okay. You can do this.
(Overhead view of him and the Destruct-o-Tron, then back to him.)
Beast Boy: Although there are a few more cows to save...
(He lays rubber out of there. Same sight gag as before, but now he is riding atop a herd and trying his best to steer them away from the battle zone. It then ends as he rolls to a stop in the street, whirls off the moped, and mows down a phalanx of charging Bobs with his Super Soaker. They become slabs of meat-free substitute, he finally runs out of water, and the "to do" list pops up again. Now "Bobs" and "Cows" are both marked off, and the pencil point lands next to "Destruct-o-Tron", but it breaks before the third X can be put in place. The pad is pulled away, revealing Beast Boy in the cows' chamber and staring up at the one thing left to be taken care of. He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves.)
Beast Boy: Okay. Piece of cake, Beast Boy. You deal with high-tech stuff all the time.
(He sniffs back a little phlegm that has dripped from his nose, revs the engine, and goes full throttle across the chamber. A savage backward flip launches him and the vehicle toward the gargantuan spherical machine; both slam into the side, and in close-up, the smoke clears to reveal him now inside. The impact has left a gaping hole in the steel skin, and his riding accessories are stacked neatly on the moped's seat. Set in the far wall is a large circuit-breaker switch in the ON position. He slides up to it, wraps five fingers around the handle, hauls with all his strength-and swings it down to OFF after a moment's strain.)
(Cut to outside the housing and pull back as it and the entire power system goes dead. Inside, he has wrapped his arms around his head and is fully ready to get blown to the great Tower in the sky. When this fails to happen, he looks up.)
Beast Boy: Huh?
(He lets off a visible sigh. Out in the street, his four teammates are making a desperate stand against the airborne assailants and not doing too well at it. Robin has changed out of his glider cape and helmet. Shots rain down around the back-to-back quartet, and then all the saucers become Newfu chunks and tumble to the pavement, deactivated by the main power shutdown. The piled-up whitish cubes then turn into cows; the ones that had been commandeered to act as the ships' engines. Close-up of the totally confounded, surrounded group, pulling back.)
Robin: Can this day get any weirder?
(One of the animals gives Raven a hearty lick, much to her disgust. Dissolve to the exterior of the Tower the next morning, then cut to the operations center. The cows are crowded into every square inch of space to the rear of the couch, and these four Titans are in the midst of the herd. Beast Boy, on the couch with the television remote control in his hand, is well clear of the madness.)
Raven: I'd say it just did.
Cyborg: That's a whole lotta cows! Ooh, time to eat. (He slides toward the kitchen.)
Robin: Beast Boy! What's going on?
(A button click fills the screen with static; this yields to a picture of a Mega Meaty Meat sandwich and the Source, with an equals sign between them. Beast Boy pops up in front.)
Beast Boy: Dude! So it turns out that Meaty Meat is really space tofu that came here to steal cows and destroy the Earth. But I kidnapped the alien leader, turned all the Bobs back into goo, and shut down the Destruct-o-Tron before the world could explode. (Chuckles.)
(The following additional scenes pop up behind him during this line. One: a saucer, with hands on long jointed arms, scoops up a cow in a net. Two: Earth, seen from outer space, blows up in mushroom clouds as a very panicked moon watches. Three: Beast Boy, kerchief tied over his head for a disguise, runs out of a house from which he has just stolen the Source. Four: a pile of Newfu slabs, marked with the word "Bobs" and an arrow to show what they are. Five: static, then the SD Titan standing by a bomb marked "Destruct-o-Tron." Earth and the moon are about to wet themselves, but both smile in relief when he slams one huge fist on the device and pounds it flat.)
(This view slides away in favor of a close-up of his beloved moped, idling by the couch and in very bad shape from its crash against the Destruct-o-Tron's housing. On the next line, tilt up to frame the rest of the now-decrepit vehicle.)
Beast Boy: (from o.c.) And I did it all thanks to my awesome new moped!
(Beaming, he slides up and puts a hand on the front fender, and, as if taking a cue from the Bluesmobile in The Blues Brothers, it collapses once and for all into a steaming pile of worn-out parts. The proud owner lets off a strangled little yelp, his jaw working its way to the floor; sight gag: SD Robin, Raven, and Starfire stare, puzzled.)
Robin: So, what happened to the alien leader? (Gag ends.)
Beast Boy: Uhhh...oh, he's in the fridge.
(A very unpleasant thought flashes across his mind. Cut to Cyborg and zoom in; empty plate in one hand, licking sauce, and barbecue sauce at that, off the fingers of his other one. When the camera pulls back, the other four SD Titans are showing a range of reactions: Raven and Starfire are about to throw up, Robin gapes openmouthed, and Beast Boy is ready to scream his head off. What Cyborg hasn't yet realized, but they and we have, is the fact that he has just eaten the leader of this whole alien invasion for breakfast.)
Cyborg: (confused) What?
(Fade to black.)