(Black screen and fades in to see all of Bluffington, the camera moves from the houses, to Funkytown and the lake. We then see Roger and his gang sitting on a fishing dock, fishing.)
Ned: Oh man!
Boomer: I’m freezing!
Willy: Say Rog, do you really think this is such a g-g-g-good day to go f-f-f-f-f-fishing?
Roger: Maybe you guys would rather go home and cut Valentines out of construction paper and doilies?
Boomer: Well yeah!
Ned: Sounds enjoyable Rog!
Willy: I’ll make hot chocolate!
Roger: Let’s go over this one more time. We’re not here for fish you goons. We’re here to bag a couple of losers! Oh can it, here they come!
DOUG: 145 hours, 38 min.
SKEETER: You’re not counting down to that Valentines dance again, are you man?
DOUG: No! (pauses) Yes.
ROGER: Hey! Are you doofuses still hunting for that lake monster?
DOUG: Yes! Except for the part about being doofuses.
When Doug and I get our monster picture Roger, you’ll see!
Hey, I know where you can find a whole bunch of monster pictures!
DOUG & SKEETER
You’re family album! (gang laughs)
I don’t get it.
Go ahead and laugh Roger, we’re gonna find that monster!
He, he, he, sooner than you think!
(All laugh. Willy and Ned, nudge Boomer)
Hey, what are we all nudging each other for?
You’re pushing my buttons, Bledsoe. Let’s get going. Move it, move it.
(Roger and gang leave the fishing dock and camera pans down to the lake surface, bubbles surface and pop, we then see Skeeter and Doug walking through the forest)
I wonder if I need some new shoes.
Yeah, something fast, in case we get chased by that monster.
No, for the dance.
Oh, whoops, what the-. We better leave the bikes here.
I guess I could wear these ones. I don’t want to look too “Hey I’m wearing new shoes” at least not-
(Ned’s giggling is heard in the distance)
You hear that?
Yeah, I’ll go this way, you go that way.
Gee Roger, don’t you think this is kinda mean?
How many times do I gotta explain that it’s unhealthy for me to bottle up my natural child like spontaneity. Do you want me to get an ulcer?
A dude’s gotta keep his chi flowin’ man.
Exactly. You want to stay healthy, you gotta keep in balance with nature. Now let’s go scare the who-ha out of blue boy.
Hold it monster. You’re not going anywhere.
Yeah? Who’s gonna stop us Funnie?
(cut to see Doug’s clothes high up in tree, we see Doug is in his underwear trying to reach his clothes.)
(cuts to Skeeter)
Hmmm, never been here before. What a mess, eww.
(swamp bubbles pop)
Whoa! C-c-c-camera. Oh man where is it? It’s in here somewhere.
(Finds camera goes in ready position, Roger comes out from behind a bush)
Oh, my eyes!
(Roger and gang fall to ground, boys arguing)
Very funny you guys, hardy har, oh very believable too, did you rent it or did you make it your self. Well you had your fun now you can go home.
(Monster (Herman) creeps up behind Skeeter, Roger and gang see it)
Roger? There’s something bad behind me isn’t
(Roger and gang run away, Skeeter turns around is very scared, drops camera, it flashes when it hits the ground)
(goes black, Doug opens door and Porkchop barks, lights flip on)
Roll it Porkchop!
(Doug theme kicks in, then title appears)
Porkchop (Porkchop makes shadow puppets).
(annoyed) Porkchop! (Doug screams and shadow growls).
(Goes black, Doug’s house then appears, shows Doug in his room writing in his journal.)
Dear Journal, it’s me Doug Funnie. I’ve lived at 21 Jumbo Street for the last year and a half and I’ve seen a lot of weird things. But what happened last week was probably the weirdest. I guess it all started right before Valentines Day. That means at school people have just one thing on their mind.
A Valentine’s dance! Let’s go shopping.
AV NERD #1
Aww, isn’t it romantic?
A Valentine’s dance, how delightful.
The monster! I finally found it!
(Goes to Doug in history class.)
Well almost everybody was talking about the Valentines Day dance. It was all I was thinking about.
Can anyone tell me how Ancient Egypt ultimately became a Roman province. (Patti raises her hand)
Well and one other thing too!
It was Mark Antoni’s eternal love for Cleopatra that inspired the great battle of Actium...
(Doug recalls memories with Patti.)
There’s only been one Valentine for me. One person who I’ve shared my happiest moments with. And a couple not so happy ones. We’ve gone through the same hard-ships. Like my sister Judy.
Leonardo, Mona, you’re supposed to be 16th Century lovers. Now kiss her like you mean it.
(memories fade, shows the school cafeteria, Doug is in line for food.)
For all those reasons, I knew I had to find a way to make this dance really perfect.
This dance is gonna really stink.
Huh? How can it stink?
The student council’s supposed to pick to people to co-ordinate the dance, but nobody signed up.
People are soooo selfish. Sure, everybody wants to go to the dance. But to they want to lift a finger to help? Noooooo.
Why don’t you help Beebe?
You expect me, to put my mouth on balloons? Touch streamers? Ugh, no way.
We have less than a week left. Who ever we get is gonna have to work day and night to get ready.
Day and night?
(A daydream begins, Doug and Patti are planning the dance with figures like you would for war.)
Right, pay close attention Miss. Mayonnaise. We mass the streamers over here. Flank with the punch bowl maneuver the record player into position and we hit ‘em right in the middle with a big heart shaped mirror ball. Bang!
Oh Doug, you’re so “dance plannery”.
(clears throat) Indeed. Still it’s not quite there. We need something- a theme!
How about something simple like “true love”.
(gulp) True l-l-love?
True love! You know, when two people love each other…truly!
Oh that true love! (nervous laugh)
I know two people perfect for the job Beebe!
(cuts to show Doug and Patti sitting at a table)
Do you really think I’d be good at organizing a dance? I’ve never done anything like that.
I think you’d be great at whatever you wanted to do Patti. I think if you worked on this dance, it would be the best dance ever!
Really? (cut to them in the hallway, newspaper office door, ready to sign up) Not much competition, looks like I’m the only one crazy enough to - (door opens, Guy enters)
OK people work, work, work. I’m outta here. (bumps into Patti)
Hey why don’t you watch where- oh hey, looking for me?
I think I know. Heart day just around the corner. Do you want to talk in “priveto”?
Guy, I’m here to sign up to work on the dance.
What? That dinky lower-grade dance. Look, I got a dozen better ideas kiddo. Instead of hanging out with a bunch of babies you can trade candies with me! Scoot the boot with ‘ya with the upper crowd! What do you say?
Can’t you see I’m talking to someone? Time to grab your opportunities before they grab someone else, if ‘ya get me, tick tock tick tock (buzzer sound) contestant your answer please.
Thanks anyway Guy but I’m going to the dance. I may even be working on it.
Oh whatever sands your wood, don’t say I didn’t offer. I’m outta here! (leaves but comes back) Last chance to change your mind.
Goodbye Guy. (Guy leaves)
That, G- Guy!
(Patti writes her name on the sign up sheet)
Hey Patti! Can you help me get this stuff to the car?
Sure Daddy. See ‘ya Doug.
(Doug signs his name)
This was going to be the perfect surprise. I knew Patti and I were just the team to make the coolest dance ever.
(cuts to the football field outside the school, Roger and gang are sitting on the bleachers.)
I don’t know about you, but I’m still scared man.
This is terrible, I thought that lake thing was going to kill me.
It must have thought we were trying to attack Valentine.
Yeah, it was protecting him.
Duh, Valentine’s gotta monster on his side.
A monster? On his side? Oh! (in a daydream) Hey, Valentine! Is that a nose or a ski slope? (starts laughing, Skeeter whistles and we see a monster's foot stomp on Roger).
Rog, you okay?
I think his brain vapor locked!
Stand back! (throws a drink in Roger’s face, Roger sputters and coughs)
Why you, I oughta - aha!
Shhhhh. I think I’m getting an idea!
How can you tell?
What does it feel like?
Duh, maybe it’s gas.
Just wait, it’s gonna to be the biggest thing to ever hit this town!
(scene goes to Skeeter and Doug in the mall)
I can’t believe your camera went off when it hit the ground!
Yeah maybe I got a picture of the monster!
(Beebe comes out of a store with her dad)
Oh Doug! I want to thank you, you saved the dance!
Where are ‘ya honey bunch? Whoa, whoa!
Take these to the car daddy.
Oh Skeeter, I was just doing a little shopping, in case someone wants to take me to the dance?
Uh, honk honk, meet ‘ya at the photo shop man!
Is that the boy you like honey bunch?
If you think I’m discussing that with you daddy, you’re nuts!
(scene changes to outside the mall by Beebe’s car)
I already told Patti she’s on the committee! She’s very excited!
Great! Look, Beebe, I’ll go help Skeet get his pictures then I’ll head down to school.
Well to get started! I plan to work day and night to have this dance ready!
Doug, you don’t have to worry about a thing. Patti and Guy have it all under control!
Patti and Guy?
Yeah, Guy’s the other one on the dance committee! Isn’t it great?
But- but- Guy said he didn’t- He isn’t even in our grade.
I know, isn’t it great to have an upperclassman even think about helping?
But how? How?
How did we convince him? It was easy, we were sitting in the office after lunch…(flashback) This dance is going to be so the opposite of cool!
C’mon Beebe, let’s check and see of somebody signed up during lunch! (they open the office door). Hey, what happened to the list?
(Guy enters holding the clipboard with list)
Looking for this ladies?
Guy! Are you writing a story for the school paper?
Writing? Well here’s a real headline (jumps up on table) Guy Graham, upperclassman, heads up dinky dance! Bang!
(Guy crumples list)
Now let’s get down to business shall we? Help me down. (flashback over)
I was on that list!
Well Doug you understand. Guy has real accomplishments, and he’s friend with my daddy!
But- but I know your dad!
Not like he does, fine young man.
See ‘ya Doug. Home, Jinkins. (they drive away)
(back inside the mall)
Perfect, that’s just perfect.
Oh don’t worry man. Guy may have more accomplishments now, but you’re going to blow him out of the water!
How do you mean?
When we show everyone that monster.
Oh yeah, perfect.
Hey who’s the cute baby? Oh it’s me, boy that film must have been in the camera a long time.
Skeet? Are you really sure you saw something at the lake?
(they walk outside)
What do you mean man?
I mean, you’ve been looking for this monster for months right? And last night you really wanted to see it, maybe you only saw a shadow or swamp gas or something. (Skeeter gasps and stammers) You do have a pretty active imagination. (Skeeter hands Doug a picture) Oh what’s this? Is this from your Halloween party?
The monster! (Doug gasps) Honk honk, I told you there was a monster. I told everybody! Behoooooold!
Wahoo! yeah! Oh, l-l-let me see it again. Skeeter, we’re going to be famous, this is the biggest thing ever! Wahoo! (Quailman daydream sequence begins)
When the biggest thing ever happens..
The biggest thing ever!
Doug imagines himself a superhero daring enough to wear his underwear over his pants, Quailman!
A big dance extravaganza, well that does sound big! I wonder if it’s a trap? (reads) “P.S. not a trap” well Quaildog as I always say, if it’s in print it must be true! (Quaildog grumbles)
And so that night, Quailman rendezvous with a certain young woman.
Oh Quailman, how nice of you to invite me to this big dance extravaganza!
Well dancing with Quaildog, while enjoyable, is not my idea of a perfect evening.
Is everyone ready to dance?
Who are you and why are you clogging? I mean, who are you?
I am Lord of the Polka, care to dance?
Curious. (goes to enter the dance)
Sorry pal, full up.
Fortunately, patience is the first quality of the quail (Crowd gasp and scream as a monster is rampaging the town). Looks like an uninvited guest is trying to crash the party, Quaildog, no time to lose, fly away!
When danger calls, there’s one superhero who’s always there to pick up the phone. Part quail, part man, all hero, Quailman and his super pal Quaildog! (monster destroys buildings and people screaming) How can the beast be stopped? Surely Quailman must come to fisticuffs with this fiend from the fathoms!
No mister narrator. Violence is only for those who have run out of good ideas. We simply have to speak reasonably to this fearsome fellow. Excuse large lizard-like creature, I think it’s important for you to see- (monster swallows Quailman, Quaildog groans. We see Quailman fall into monster’s stomach and get covered with goo). I don’t like to make snap judgements, but it seems this out-sized outlaw just ate me.
Quailman, eaten like so many potato chips. (more roaring and screaming) Who will stop the amphibious archfiend now? Thinking quickly, Quaildog turns the high powered disco lights into the eyes of the monster, momentarily disorienting the reptilian rowdy. Next, his canine sixth sense combined with an extensive knowledge of pop culture tells him the moment is right. He reroutes the signal to intercept the latest episode of a corny teen sitcom playing right at that moment.
Dylan, how can I love you when I’m really in love with your other personality Rufus?
Quaildog’s queasy quarry is not match for this mindless mush fest. The already reeling reptile can’t stomach it (monster falls and spits out Quailman).
Quailman! Ewww, P.U.
I try to be broad-minded but I can’t sit ideally by and be digested by some scaly scofflaw.
Having learned that the beastly beast is impervious to reason, Quailman has no choice but to release the full force of the quail eye, rendering his amphibious adversary helpless and stupefied (Quailman shoots his laser beam eyes at the monster, causing it to fall down).
Oh Quailman, you’ve saved us!
We’ll that’s over, wanna dance?
Forget it! Defeating a monster is much cooler than decorating for a dance, (plugs nose) no matter how bad he smells (Quailman fantasy over).
Defeating a monster is much cooler than over seeing a dance, no matter how bad we smell.
Skeet, we can’t blow this now. We’ve gotta find that monster!
(scene changes to Roger’s house, Al and Moo with the A.V. Nerds are in a meeting room)
A.V. Nerd #1:
What are we doing here?
Roger has gathered the greatest minds of Bluffington in one room.
Oh yes. My brother and I have followed your work in the field of (chuckles) A.V.
A.V. Nerd #1:
(going to sneeze)
You may wonder why I’ve gathered you here.
Uh, bless you. As you may know there is at this moment, a monster which threatens our very way of life.
A.V. Nerd #2:
I’m sorry I didn’t catch that one.
As I was saying, there is only one thing that can save us from certain destruction. I present to you, RoboCrusher!
Note the pincer claws and x-ray eyes. I draw myself down here for scale. Money is no object, gentlemen you have exactly twenty-four hours.
(various coughs and talking, scene switches to Doug and Skeeter in the woods)
This is going to make working on the school paper seem like working on the school paper!
I don’t know if we can actually catch him man, I mean after all it’s a monster. Let’s just get our bikes before it gets dark.
Where are they? They were right here?
(looking down) Bike tracks!
Oh yeah, right next to the b-b-big webbed footprint.
DOUG & SKEETER
(at Skeeter’s house)
Do you think the monster actually ate our bikes, man?
Well, I don’t think he’s riding them around the bottom of the lake.
Um, maybe we could use Dale’s tricycle for bait. The monster will think it’s a snack.
I don’t know man, I mean what if he doesn’t stop at metal, what’s to keep him from eating us? (phone rings, Skeeter coughs and chokes on the milk he is drinking)
Can you get that? I think I got milk up my nose.
(answers phone) Hello?
Oh Doug, I’m glad you’re there, I wanted to thank you.
DOUG Thank me?
PATTI I never would have thought of signing up to work with Guy if it weren’t for you.
DOUG Oh great. Look Pa-
PATTI And did you hear the news? Guy got Mr. Bluff to give us money to have the dance at - are you ready for this? - Funkytown!
DOUG Funkytown, that’s uh- Patti? Can we meet and talk about this later? Something just came up.
PATTI Sure Doug. How ‘bout Swirly’s in an hour?
DOUG Swirly’s. An hour. Great. (Doug hangs up phone)
SKEETER Ya I was thinkin’, if that thing ate our bikes, he might like cafeteria food.
DOUG He didn’t eat them, look!
(Doug and Skeeter see their bikes in the backyard and go outside)
DOUG & SKEETER Oh man!
SKEETER I guess somebody must have brought them back.
DOUG Yeah, somebody with monster feet!
(they follow the footprints and realize they lead into the house)
SKEETER Oh, h-he’s in the house!
(scene jumps to Doug opening Skeeter’s front door in homemade protection suits, Skeeter shines a flashlight around the entrance)
SKEETER C’mon, looks like the coast is clear. Uh OK. Let’s go.
DOUG Let’s go.
SKEETER OK quiet (Skeeter shields his face and loses balance knocking over a light and causing a power outage to the whole neighborhood)
SKEETER (quivering) Oh man! (Skeeter shines flashlight around kitchen) Nope, no monsters here.
DOUG Shouldn’t we go downstairs and check your room?
(Doug and Skeeter gulp, scene changes to Doug and Skeeter opening basement door)
SKEETER Hello, we’re -um- coming downstairs!
DOUG Here we come.
SKEETER (shines light around his room) Um, anybody here? (they get close to Skeeter’s closet door) Um, you can open it if you want.
DOUG Go ahead.
(Skeeter slowly opens closet door. Doug and Skeeter quiver and moan as if scared what will come out)
SKEETER (when he sees nothing in the closet) Phew! (flashlight flickers and goes out) Oh man, I’ll go get another flashlight.
DOUG I’ll get it, where is it?
SKEETER Oh that’s OK, I know where it is.
DOUG Yeah, but I’m the guest, The guest always gets the spare flashlight, that’s etiquette man.
(Skeeter whistles nervously and goes towards his bed, we hear purring in the background. Skeeter tried to reach under the bed, but can’t, monster appears behind him)
SKEETER I can’t get down there. Hey Doug check under the bed would ya? (Monster squeals as if saying “me?” and purrs) Yeah, now just look under the- (stammers and tries to scream but can’t, whispers “Monster”, face shield falls over his face and he yells. He runs into a wall several times) Oh my head. (he lifts face shield, the monster roars and Skeeter screams more. Then he runs up the stairs but falls down and then is hit with a garbage can. Face shield falls in front of monster, he yelps and tries to put it back on the garbage can but falls off. He goes to the bed and cradles the face shield.)
DOUG (looking in from outside a window) Skeeter?
(Doug is back inside with Skeeter, they don’t have their body gear on anymore and they are watching the monster who is fiddling with the face shield Skeeter was wearing by his desk)
SKEETER Well, he thinks my head fell off.
DOUG He looks really upset.
SKEETER He’s so nice.
DOUG He’s not scary at all.
(Monster turns his head to look at Doug and Skeeter, they scream and hide behind the bed, the monster walks over to the bookshelf as Doug and Skeeter peek over the edge of the bed. The monster takes a book off the shelf, smells it and opens it)
DOUG He must have sniffed out where you live.
SKEETER Wow, he can read! (the monster sniffs the book and licks it) Hey, this is a book you don’t eat books, that is no. (monster pats the book) That’s nice, be nice to the book.
DOUG Wow, I think you scared him man.
SKEETER I can’t believe that, he tried to eat Herman Melville (monster looks toward Doug and Skeeter and grumbles “huh?”).
DOUG Hey, he looked.
SKEETER Herman Melville? (monster smiles)
DOUG He thinks it’s his name.
SKEETER You- you like the name? Herman Melville?
(monster moans happily and smiles)
DOUG OK monster, from now on your name is…
DOUG & SKEETER Herman Melville! (they both laugh)
DOUG Put it their Herman! (holds out his hand for Herman to shake it, instead he grabs Doug and picks him up, cuddling him)
SKEETER He likes you man!
DOUG Down Herman, down.
SKEETER Herman! (Herman drops Doug and smiles)
DOUG Phew, finding Herman sure is a bigger deal than working on some dance.
SKEETER Yeah everybody thought I was crazy. Are they ever going to be surprised! (we see Herman drinking from the toilet) No, Herman, bad. No drinking out of the toilet. (back to Doug) So who do we tell first?
DOUG Skeet this is front-page headlines, we’re going to be famous, we have to go right to the top.
(we hear a toilet flush and see Herman’s tail coil up, he stops drinking from the toilet and has a dizzy look on his face. Scene changes to outside the Dink’s house)
DOUG I hope Mayor Tippy’s home (he knocks and waits but there is no response, they look at each other).
SKEETER Knock again!
DOUG (door opens) But I just knocked.
MR. BUD DINK (goofy laugh) Well, hello boys. (laughs) You’re just in time to see something absolutely fantastic (laughs, he pulls Doug and Skeeter inside. We then see them in a virtual reality space)!
DOUG But Mr. Dink, we’ve got a headline for you to put in the paper (Mr. Dink puts on the V.R. goggles).
BUD Oh just a moment Douglas, wait ‘till you get a load of this, virtual reality (goofy laugh).
(we see a shot of what Skeeter is seeing through the goggles which is just Bud’s living room)
SKEETER Cool, it’s- it’s- it’s like we’re standing right in your living room!
DOUG But- but we are standing in your living room.
BUD Exactly, everything’s right where it is on real life, down to the last detail. It’s exactly like being here, only much more expensive (he takes off his goggles and sees Doug and Skeeter in their V.R. equipment).
DOUG & SKEETER Wow!
BUD (laughs) Now, what are you boys all excited about?
SKEETER (said exactly when Doug says his line) We finally have proof Mr. Dink! The monster!
DOUG Is it too late to get something in the paper?
BUD Whoa whoa, slow down boys (laughs). I can’t understand what you’re saying.
SKEETER You’re not going to believe what happened! It all started…(words fade off, scene changes to Bud, Doug and Skeeter walking outside to the Dink’s backyard)
BUD That’s quite a tale boys.
SKEETER Don’t you believe us?
BUD Well it’s just that, well you know people have been telling tall-tales like that forever. You need concrete evidence.
DOUG Should we show him now?
BUD Show me what?
SKEETER (opens the door of Bud’s tool shed) Mr. Dink? Meet Herman Melville, the monster of Lucky Duck Lake! (Herman moans happily chewing on a screwdriver)
BUD Wh- wh- whoa! (he faints)
(back inside the house)
BUD (on the phone) Hello, Bluffington Gazette? This is Bud Dink, has tomorrow’s edition gone to print yet? I have big news!
MRS TIPPY DINK You mean to tell me that he came out of that polluted lake?
DOUG & SKEETER Yeah, you bet!
SKEETER (Herman is going to eat a vase) No! Herman, don’t -don’t eat that (Skeeter takes the vase away from him).
DOUG It’s the story of the century Mayor Tippy.
TIPPY This may be bigger news then we think (thinks for a while). Bud, hang up!
TIPPY If you want to keep Herman out of danger, hang up that phone now!
(Doug and Skeeter moan worryingly, scene changes to Bud, Tippy, Herman, Doug and Skeeter at the Dink's table eating dinner)
SKEETER Mayor Tippy, aren’t we going to tell anyone about Herman Melville?
TIPPY Now, if we call the newspaper -owned by Bluffco- and tell them we’ve got a story that Bill Bluff is a polluter, someone will kill the story and let’s just say it won’t be good for Herman either.
(scene changes to them in the kitchen, Doug and Skeeter are washing dishes)
DOUG So you’re saying we can’t tell anybody?
(Herman looks in the fridge and takes out a carton of milk and is about to put it in his mouth)
SKEETER No Herman, use this (he hands him a mug).
TIPPY No, we just have to tell them in a way that Mr. Bluff can’t stop. We have to call a citywide press conference, make a big splash!
SKEETER That’s a great idea!
TIPPY But until then we can’t tell anybody about Herman Melville, for his sake. (Herman takes a bit out of the mug Skeeter gave him) Can you boys keep him absolutely secret until tomorrow?
DOUG & SKEETER Sure! No problem!
TIPPY I’ll have the press come here tomorrow, meanwhile tonight we better keep him close by.
DOUG We can keep him next door? At my house! We just have to keep people from seeing him.
BUD I think I have just the thing.
(Skeeter and Doug come out of Mr. Dink’s backyard with Herman dressed in an old diving suit, they appear back in Doug’s kitchen from the basement door, they enter in front of the family room and Mr. and Mrs. Funnie catch Skeeter and Doug)
MRS. THEDA FUNNIE (angrily) What is going on?
DOUG (surprised) Uh, mom!
THEDA Judith Funnie! I don’t care if you want to rehearse your plays at home, but please, muddy flippers off the carpet!
DOUG Oh she’s- uh, it’s not Judy’s fault Mom, it’s mine. I’ll be right down to clean it up.
MR. PHIL FUNNIE Wow, sounds like Doug’s learning some responsibility.
THEDA Oh, our little man.
DOUG (in his room) Oh, made it. Phew (Porkchop begins to growl and bark). Quiet.
PHIL Doug, is something the matter up there?
DOUG Everything’s fine Dad.
SKEETER Shhhh, it’s nothing Porkchop, see? (he removes the head mask, Porkchop barks even more, Doug takes him outside)
DOUG The one time in your life, you decide to act like a real dog!
(Doug and Skeeter are inside cleaning up the mud from Herman’s flippers)
SKEETER Sometimes it takes a while for dogs to get used to monsters man.
(Judy enters) JUDY Somebody puked?
THEDA Judith Funnie, I don’t think that’s very nice. The least you could do is help clean up your mess!
JUDY My mess? My mess? (laughs) My mess. My mess? Oh my mess!
THEDA What’s gotten into her?
DOUG Oh you know, Judy (nervous laugh).
SKEETER Um, can I call my parents Mrs. Funnie? It’s getting’ kind of late.
DOUG Late! What time is- Oh no, Patti! I was supposed to meet her at Swirly’s. Gotta go! (he exits out the door, jumps over a fence into a pool and paddles across the pool) Oh man, Oh man, Oh man…
DOUG N. I took every shortcut I could think of to get to Swirly’s and even some I shouldn’t have.
(Doug enters Lucky Duck Park and jumps over a bush and rips his pants)
DOUG Huh? Perfect (jumps over ice patches on the sidewalk of the park and gets to the end, then a truck splashes mud all over him) Great.
DOUG N. I was late, I looked like mud and I smelled like monster. But I’d knew I’d done the right thing and I was hoping Patti would understand. (he enters Swirly’s)
(inside Swirly’s) MR. SWIRLY Yeah, she was here a long time. She looked kind of upset, then she left with a guy who kept talking about his big plans for some dance.
DOUG Uh, thank you.
(at the Funkytown Disco)
GUY I see spotlights, dozens of them! Every colour of the rainbow, huge spinning hearts, it’ll be big big big!
PATTI Wow, that is big!
GUY We’re a great team! Do you know that?
(Doug enters) DOUG Hey guys!
GUY How did you get in here?
DOUG Bought a ticket. Patti, can I talk to you alone?
PATTI We’re a little busy right now Doug, what is it?
DOUG I came to apologize for being so late to Swirly’s. I had a good reason. Something happened but I can’t explain it now.
GUY Couldn’t get permission from your mommy? C’mon Patti, we don’t have time for this little kids stuff.
DOUG We have proof Mr. Bluff ‘s polluting the lake, that’s why I-
GUY (interrupts) Hold it right there. (gets in Doug’s face, grabs his arm and whispers) Listen pal, if I were you, I wouldn’t go around saying stuff you can’t prove!
DOUG Well I’ve GOT proof! (moves his arm to release Guy’s grip)
GUY What proof?
DOUG I can’t say.
GUY Right, well you better watch yourself, Mr. Bluff got us into Funkytown to have a dance. If he hears you’ve been shooting your mouth off, we might be stuck dancing in the school parking lot! (laughs)
PATTI What’s the matter with that? I mean, if Doug’s right, isn’t the truth more important than having the dance at Funkytown?
GUY (stammers) Well I haven’t heard any truth for one! People’ve been saying dumb stuff like that for years.
DOUG You’ll see tomorrow. It’s going to be (mocking Guy) big, big, big, big news! Patti, in the mean time, I just came by to tell you I’m sorry I was late. But you’ll see why tomorrow. (Doug straightens his jacket and the monster picture falls to the ground, then he leaves)
PATTI See ‘ya Doug. (Guy picks up the picture and gasps, Patti sees it) What’s that?
GUY Nothing, nothing babe. I’ll be right back, gotta make a call.
(scene switches to the Bluff’s having dinner at the dinner table)
BEEBE So I told Coach Spitz, I’m not allowed to sweat and he looked at me really mean, and then he says to give him five laps. Can I sue him daddy?
(butler is whispering to Bill)
BILL This better be important (he leaves the table and gets the phone). Yes Guy? (pause). A picture of what? Of WHAT?!
(scene cuts to Herman sleeping under Doug’s bed, camera zooms out showing Skeeter is sleeping over with Doug)
SKEETER I talked to Mayor Tippy, she says the news conference is on! Tomorrow night in here front lawn.
DOUG This’ll be so great! I have to make sure Patti comes then she’ll understand about Swirly’s. I wonder what shoes I should wear.
(Phil opens Doug’s bedroom door and peaks in)
PHIL You boys are up awful late, telling scary stories? (laughs)
SKEETER Uh, k-kinda Mr. Funnie.
PHIL Holler if you want me to check under the bed for monsters!
DOUG & SKEETER NO!
(Phil gets a puzzled look on his face and leaves, scene changes to the next morning, Porkchop is barking outside of the house, Doug, Skeeter and Herman are in Doug’s room)
DOUG My parents are gone all day Herman, you stay here, we’ll be back after school O.K.? (Doug and Skeeter leave his room and go down the stairs)
SKEETER We’re going to have to do something about Porkchop man, if he doesn’t chill out the police are going to come.
DOUG Yeah he’s going nuts. (Doug opens the front door and Porkchop runs in and zooms up the stairs) Whoa! Porkchop, Nooo! (he opens the door holding Porkchop back by the collar) I want you to be nice to Herman Melville! (he jumps on the bed and barks, Herman gives him a Valentine heart and Porkchop starts to cry and jumps into Herman’s arms)
SKEETER I think we’ve all learned something here. (Doug closes the door)
DOUG I think I like the barking better.
(cuts to Mr. Bluff’s Assistant Bob is pointing at a map)
BOB Our people have located monster tracks coming toward town. we have agents in the air, on the ground and one is underwater.
BILL Not good enough! We have to find that monster now! It must be crushed! (he crushes a paper bag)
BILL That was my lunch sir.
(scene changes to Doug and Patti talking at school in the hallway at Patti’s locker)
PATTI A press conference? Wow, whatever you found must be important Doug!
DOUG Trust me, it’s happening on the Dink’s lawn. We sort of have something in the house, but we can’t show anybody. Will you come?
PATTI Well I’m pretty busy with the-
DOUG (pleading) Please?
PATTI Sure Doug, of course.
DOUG I’m glad you trust me about this after I- you know- Swirly’s…
PATTI Forget it Doug. Just don’t do it again or I’ll brain ‘ya!
DOUG You’ll find out everything tonight Patti, it’ll all make sense. Gotta run, see ‘ya.
PATTI Should I bring Guy?
DOUG Why- why do you want to bring him?
PATTI Since it’s news and he is head of the school newspaper and all.
DOUG Sure, bring Guy. Perfect!
(School is over and Doug and Skeeter are walking home)
SKEETER I hope Herman Melville is OK.
DOUG Don’t worry, he’s safe with Porkchop. Besides nobody knows he’s there.
(cuts back to Mr. Bluff and Bluff Assistant)
BLUFF AGENT #1 Mr. Bluff, they found it! They found the monster! Some kids house. We- we surrounded it!
BILL Good. Very good.
(we see Bluff agent’s and Bluffco cars surrounding a house saying “Move it, Go!”, then we see Porkchop playing the piano with Herman then back to Doug and Skeeter walking close to Doug’s house)
SKEETER I wonder whose car that is in front of your house?
DOUG (shrugs) Probably some reporter.
(scene changes back to the agents getting ready to enter the house, then cuts back to Porkchop and Herman at the piano, changes back to the agents armed with laser guns kick in the door)
AGENT #1 Freeze!
(scene changes to Porkchop surprised, we see Doug and Skeeter enter the house)
DOUG Hey, ready to be on TV?
(back to the agents)
AGENT Hand over the monster. (we see the nerds working on the robot)
MOO Sorry, wrong garage I’m afraid. No monster here. YET!
AGENT #2 Sir, I think we have the wrong house.
(scene changes to Guy and Patti at school at the door of the newspaper office)
GUY He says he has something inside his house? Hmm, really. Sure, I think I can come. Just have to make a phone call babe. (shuts the door in Patti’s face, changes back to Bill and Assistant)
BOB Look at the bright side Mr. Bluff, it’s not so much as they got the wrong house as much as they eliminated a house. No monster here.
BILL (Bill is on the phone with Guy) Quiet! What time? Perfect! (hangs up phone) Well looks like our monster’s coming to us. Call our guys down at the press and get a few trucks.
(scene changes to the press conference in the Dink’s lawn, various news reporters are talking)
TIPPY I’d like to thank you all for coming this afternoon.
(Doug, Skeeter, Herman and Mr. Dink are inside a type of outside room)
DOUG A lot of reporters out there, this is going to be so great.
SKEETER (sighs) I don’t know man.
DOUG What’s the matter?
SKEETER I got a funny feeling about this. Maybe we should forget the whole thing.
DOUG Are you kidding? Do you wanna stop now?
SKEETER I don’t know I’m asking. Wouldn’t it be safer if we just took Herman back to the lake and forgot all this?
DOUG Take him back? But- you mean…(a daydream begins, Doug and Skeeter are on TV as dumb hillbillies)
SKEETER Uh, we had a monster. Swear! (giggle)
DOUG Duh, but we let ‘im go (goofy laugh) Yeah! (goofy laugh)
SKEETER Sure did! No lie! Yup!
PATTI (watching the TV) What a pair of liars!
DOUG & SKEETER Huh?
GUY (turns off TV) I told ‘ya. Now kiss me (he leans towards Patti for a kiss, daydream is over).
DOUG No Skeet, we gotta do this cause, it’s the right thing to do.
SKEETER You just had a fantasy about Patti didn’t you?
DOUG No….well kind of.
SKEETER You always get that blurry look.
DOUG But do you really want everybody to think you were either crazy or lying all this time when you said there was a monster? They’ll never believe you if you don’t show them Herman.
SKEETER I guess, you’re right man. Well, better get out there. See ‘ya in minute Herman (Herman moans “bye”).
(back outside with Tippy) TIPPY I’d like to introduce Mosquito Valentine, who’ll tell you the story in his own words. (she leaves and Skeeter comes to the podium)
SKEETER Thank you Mayor Tippy, honk honk (makes continuous various mouth sounds). Sorry, always wanted to do that on TV (clears throat) Four months a go, I was fishing at Lucky Duck Lake….(voice trails off as Guy and Patti arrive)
GUY Ah, this is pointless, we should be working on the dance.
PATTI Shouldn’t you be here anyway Guy? After all, you’re head of the school paper.
GUY I couldn’t get this story in the paper if I tried.
PATTI What do you mean?
GUY You know, we have this dinky little crank mimeo machine, it takes two weeks to get the news out, it’s ancient history by then. If I want a story to come out on time I have to right it before it happens.
PATTI That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.
(back in the room with Mr. Dink and Herman)
DOUG (excited) She made it! Patti made it! See Herman, that’s her! (Herman points to his head) Yeah, the one with the yellow hair, that’s her, that’s Patti! I can’t wait to take you out there (not excited) and show you.
That’s funny, (Bud is changing channels on the TV) the speech is supposed to be going out live. But it’s not on any of the channels.
(back outside) PATTI What are you so fidgety for?
GUY Nothing, nothing.
(Doug is outside going behind the reporters)
SKEETER It was here, that I first had contact with the monster. And so, let me reveal our discover, which will reveal once and for all that there is a Lucky Duck Lake monster.
(Doug trips on a cable wire and a cameraman’s camera deflates)
CAMERAMAN Hey, watch it buddy (he re-inflates his camera).
SKEETER And now I guess its time to talk about what happened at my house. My friend Doug Funnie, with an I.E. will help me. Hey Doug! (all the reporters turn to face him, Doug gulps and he comes up to the podium) Alright, he’s coming!
DOUG (he stands in front of the microphone) Well I’d like to say…um…something’s not right I think we made a big mistake. (reporters argue “Mr. Funnie, is this your idea of a joke?”) I’m sorry I got to go now. (he runs behind the Dink’s house)
GUY I knew it! Sea monsters, right.
PATTI I can’t believe it.
GUY What a major con artist! (sighs) I can’t believe you dragged me to this joke!
PATTI I’m really sorry about this Guy, I had no idea Doug would lie like that (they walk away).
DOUG (calling to Patti) Wait! Stop! (reporters hound him questions and remarks) Patti! Patti!
(scene changes to Roger and the nerds at Roger’s house)
ROGER Well, it’s about time! O.K. let’s see it!
AL May we present…
ALL NERDS RoboCrusher!
(camera focus up close on his claws and whole body, then camera zooms out to see it is smaller than Roger)
ROGER You lame brains! It’s dinky. Didn’t you look at my plan? It’s supposed to be this big compared to me!
ELMO Exactly! (he takes out a ray gun and shoots a laser beam at Roger which shrinks him)
ROGER You dip sticks, this is wrong. Change me back, change me back now!
ELMO Can we do that?
AL & MOO (shrug saying “I don’t know)
(scene changes back to the Dink’s lawn and the outside room)
SKEETER What happened Doug? Why didn’t you tell them about the monster?
TIPPY What’s going on?
DOUG Look! (a reporter opens the back of his news truck, inside is a giant cage. Then back inside the Dink’s house, Herman is hugging Doug)
SKETTER He’s trying to thank you for saving him man.
DOUG Tell him to stop it (Herman drops him and he falls on the ground, he gets up and starts pointing to his hair). Huh?
SKEETER You’re head itch Herman?
DOUG No, he means Patti. And he’s right, she must think I’m a big liar now (he sits on a couch).
TIPPY You did the right thing Doug. I’m proud of you.
SKEETER I’ve been telling people all year there was a monster in the lake. They thought I was making it up, now they’ll never believe me.
TIPPY Bill Bluff is going to stop at nothing boys, we know that now. We have to do what’s right.
SKEETER Even if everybody thinks we’re big fat liars?
TIPPY You boys don’t want anything to happen to Herman, and I know you wouldn’t want to make yourselves look good if it would hurt him. Right boys? (Herman and Skeeter sit with Doug on the couch)
DOUG & SKEETER Right. (Herman gives Skeeter and Doug a big hug and kisses them)
TIPPY You just have to do that right thing no matter what people think. Eventually, the truth will come out. Now, what do you say we have some of Bud’s leftover meatloaf.
BUD Now you’re talking. Let’s go boys.
(they leave, scene changes to Roger in his house going to his room)
ROGER What kind of loser nerds can’t even build a stinkin’ robot right. Where did they put that pile of junk? (he opens the door to his room and sees the robot cleaning up and dressed in a maid’s outfit, she’s changed the room with pink decorations) Ahh, my room! What happened to my room?
ROBOCRUSHER Ah, you didn’t expect me to leave that atrocious mess did you? Now, let’s get you out of that beastly outfit and into something more presentable (she holds a vest-shirt combination like Doug’s, Roger screams. Scene changes to the Bluff’s at the dinner table).
BILL It’s only a matter of time. They have to leave the house sometime, and when they do, BAM! We strike!
BEEBE Daddy, what are you talking about?
BILL Oh, uh...baseball, Princess.
BEEBE Ugh, that game has dirt. Please don’t talk about it when I’m eating.
BILL Of course Beebe doll, whatever you say.
(back in Roger’s room, the robot is cradling Roger in his pajamas singing)
ROBOCRUSHER Lullaby and good night, (Roger speaking over the lullaby Stop it. Please stop it). Sleep as softly around you. (Oh, my back, you gotta stop singing). Lay you down now and rest (it’s only eight thirty). (robot continues to sing and Roger tries to get away)
ROGER I’m going to get those guys.
(scene changes to the morning, Doug is walking to school)
DOUG N. The next morning I left for school early. I wanted to explain things to Patti as soon as I could. But I kinds got this creepy feeling somebody was watching me. (Bluff agents are all around Doug pretending to be doing normal activities and following him. We hear many agents talking at once, but all saying different things into hidden microphones, it is very obvious they are watching Doug). Hmmm..
(Doug stops walking and looks around. Scene changes to Skeeter and Beebe at school in the hallway at Beebe’s locker, Skeeter is holding a homemade Valentine card in the shape of himself)
SKEETER Happy Valentine’s Day Beebe!
BEEBE Sorry, I don’t take Valentines from lying lie fake LIARS! (she leaves)
SKEETER (sighs) Man.
(scene cuts to Bluff agents surrounding Doug’s house, Agent #1 kicks in the front door and signals for other agents to enter)
AGENT #1 Move, move! (we hear various shouts from the agents as they head upstairs to Doug’s room, they kick in the door to his room and enter to see the diving suit standing still) Freeze sea beast! (he removes the headpiece and nothing is there) What the-? (Porkchop’s head then pokes out of the space)
(scene changes to Principal Bob White’s room at the school, Doug and Herman are in there. Herman is dressed in hippie clothes and has a wig)
BOB Well has mayor- I mean principal, I am honored to welcome this new exchange student to our illustrious school! Welcome. What’s her name?
DOUG Well Principal White..
BOB Principal White? Hmm, now why does that name sound so familiar?
DOUG No! It’s Herman- uh nione.
BOB Oh, what a beautiful name! Hermanuhninione. Well uh, welcome to our school young foreign person, (whispers) vote for me! (Herman roars really loudly) What did she say?
DOUG Thanks! She said thanks!
(scene changes to Doug, Hermione, Skeeter and the class in Mrs. Perigrew’s Art class)
MRS. PERIGREW I want everyone to just let their emotions floooow onto the canvas.
(camera shows Skeeter, Hermione and Doug painting together, Hermione is drinking the paint but keep it in her mouth and Skeeter notices)
SKEETER Hermione, No! Bad, that’s dirty.
(Hermione sneezes and all the paint goes all over the canvas, Mrs. Perigrew comes over)
MRS. PERIGREW Hermione, remarkable work. So primitive, so free!
(Hermione burps and wipes his mouth. Scene changes to the cafeteria, Doug, Hermione and Skeeter are in line to be served. When Hermione gets her tray of food she puts the whole thing in her mouth. She then grabs the food from behind the counter with her hands and starts eating it. Doug and Skeeter pull her away to stop her. The lunch lady notices and she smacks Hermione’s hand with a ladle, Hermione screams in pain and pulls back her hands.)
GIRL Look at Doug with that cute girl.
(Patti notices Doug cleaning food of the face of Hermione. Scene changes to them in class opening and reading Valentine cards. Camera shifts across the room and we see Hermione has the most in the class, she then eats a handful of cards. Scene then changes to all three of them entering the boys bathroom, from inside we hear)
NERD #2 Ah, girl in the boys room!
(all the nerds run out saying various things. Skeeter and Doug then take Hermione to the Girls room and they are waiting outside, it seems to be taking a long time, she then finally comes out with a group of girls talking about perfume and hair styles. Doug and Skeeter follow them down the hall as they go past Patti’s locker. Patti sees Hermione, Skeeter and Doug run by. Doug stops and looks towards Patti)
PATTI Humph! (she walks away)
DOUG Uh, Patti I have to talk to you.
PATTI Thanks for the Valentine Doug.
DOUG What Valentine? (Patti gets an unhappy face realizing Doug didn’t send her the Valentine) Oh, I’m sorry. Look I’ve been busy-
PATTI (interrupts) So I’ve seen.
DOUG Look, I want to tell you something but you can’t tell anybody right? (whispers) We found the Lucky Duck Lake monster, that’s why I didn’t go to Swirly’s the other night. (Patti leaves) Wait, where are you going?
PATTI (angry, she walks down the hall and Doug follow as they talk) Doug, I’m going to stand here and be lied to. I’m not blind you know, I know who you’re really spending your time with.
DOUG What are you talking about?
PATTI That Hermione girl you’ve been hanging around with all day.
DOUG That’s who I’m talking about.
PATTI Then why don’t you act like a grownup and just say you’re hanging out with her now? (they stop walking at the newspaper office)
DOUG But I’m not! Well I am. b-but I’m not really.
PATTI Oh really? I saw you all over her in the cafeteria. (she enters the office)
DOUG Come on Patti, she’s not even a girl.
PATTI I know you think I must be dumb because I believe all that monster stuff before, but I hope you don’t think I’m that gullible Doug. (Guy enters from a side door)
GUY Hello kids! Oh, Doug I see you’re still pestering Patti. Sorry, we have to get to Funkytown.
PATTI See ‘ya Doug.
DOUG Uh, but… (they leave the office and close the door, Doug is left alone. Scene changes to after school, the bell rings and Skeeter peeks out of the entrance of the school to see if it’s safe and goes back in. He comes back out with Hermione and Doug)
SKEETER I thought it over man, we can’t take him to our houses anymore, it isn’t safe. (they walk down the sidewalk and go by Beebe and Connie)
BEEBE See ‘ya Hermione.
CONNIE See ‘ya tomorrow. (Hermione waves back and grumbles “bye”, Skeeter pulls down on her arm, making her put it down)
SKEETER There’s only one thing left to do. We have to get him back to the lake before Mr. Bluff gets him. I’ll take him there now (they stop at a road crossing) get your camping gear and meet us. (the crossing guard tells them to cross the street)
DOUG (said very unhappy, not really caring) Whatever, O.K., right, yeah.
SKEETER Come on Doug, we gotta do this man.
DOUG Yeah I know.
CROSSING GUARD (speaks into a microphone in his sleeve) Crossing.
(scene changes to later that night. The camera moves from Funkytown to the lake and we see Doug, Skeeter and Herman sitting by a fire)
DOUG N. I thought it had been the worst day of my life. But I was wrong, things hadn’t even started to get bad yet.
SKEETER Oh, it sure is cold tonight. Hey Herman, can you hand me some wood? We’ll we’re back where we started.
DOUG Only everyone thinks we’re liars and Patti hates me but other than that, yes, we’re right back where we started.
SKEETER Well at least Herman Melville will be free (sound of a gun cocking in the distance). Did you hear something?
DOUG Yeah over there (they go over to the bush and brush away part of the bush to reveal the costume used by Roger and his gang to scare Skeeter). What is it?
SKEETER I guess those guys were in a pretty big hurry the other night.
(Herman returns holding a big log)
DOUG No Herman, no. Too big. Little sticks, tiny little- (various radio talk, they look toward the bush)
SKEETER Maybe we’d better get him back in the water.
SKEETER This is it buddy, time to get in the water Herman, c’mon. (Herman doesn’t want to go)
DOUG C’mon Herman, back in the water c’mon. What’s the matter? Maybe he’ll go in if we swim with him. Take off your pants.
SKEETER Me? You take off your pants.
DOUG It’s too cold anyway, just pretend. O.K. here we go, we’re going to go swimming.
DOUG & SKEETER Swimming, c’mon buddy. Yeah oh swimming, great idea (laughs).
(they pretend to swim around)
DOUG Don’t you wanna swim with us Herman? (Herman growls as if he had something to show them)
(Herman growls and throws the log over Doug and Skeeter’s head into the lake. The limb scratches his arm, we see Doug’s ripped sleeve).
DOUG Ahhh, hey.
SKEETER Herman, what are you doing? You hurt Doug.
DOUG Stop it you big fish. I’m glad we’re getting rid of you, you’re nothing but bad news. (almost crying) You lost me the only person I ever cared about and now I wish-
SKEETER Hey! Look man! (the log Herman threw is being eaten away by the pollution) Wow! No wonder he didn’t want us to go there. I knew it was polluted, but not that bad. Mayor Tippy was right.
DOUG He can’t go back there. Wah? (Herman puts a Band-Aid on Doug’s rip)
SKEETER I think you hurt his feeling man.
DOUG I’m sorry. Thanks for saving us Herman.
SKEETER He can’t go back in that lake man.
DOUG What are we going to do with him?
BILL (comes out of the forest) I think I can answer that!
DOUG Run Herman!
(Herman runs but is cut off by agents, they re shouting various commands. Herman tries running another way but an agent shoots a net onto him)
DOUG & SKEETER Herman! (they run to him but two agents block their way)
DOUG Leave him alone!
(other agents put ropes around its neck and hands. Agent #1 holds a needle with a liquid inside, Herman is roaring to get away)
AGENT #1 This’ll knock him out for a while (he injects the liquid, Doug and Skeeter look away, and Herman falls unconscious)
BILL Get him outta here (agents drag him away).
SKEETER You can’t do this.
BILL Quite you. I don’t wanna hear anything from you. If I hear one more peep it’s gonna- you’re gonna be so- Bob?
BOB Let’s just say it won’t be pretty for you.
BILL Right! You boys decided you were going to make me look bad, I have friends at your school. You boys could be in middle school for a long time to come. If you know what’s good for ‘ya, you’ll forget everything that happened here tonight.
(scene changes to show a Bluffco truck drive away and Doug and Skeeter behind some bushes)
DOUG Ugh, what do we do now?
SKEETER We gotta stop him and I don’t care if I’m in middle school for the rest of my life.
DOUG Me neither, let’s go (they jump over the bush and run) I just hope I don’t have to keep taking band.
(scene changes to two officers driving down the road talking and have doughnuts)
POLICE OFFICER #1 All I’m saying is that sure Superman is stronger than Batman, but Batman’s got superior technology. So, say my doughnuts kryptonite..
POLICE OFFICER #2 (driving) Whoa!
(Doug and Skeeter are on the road trying to get the police car to stop, it doesn’t stop until Doug yells “Ahhh!”, the car screeches to a stop, they were nearly hit by the car. When it stop, they run to the driver’s window)
OFFICER #2 What is it boys?
SKEETER (out of breath) Our friend. They kidnapped out friend.
(they get in the car and drive past the Thaddeus statue)
DOUG Up here. Take a left. (the car drives up to Mr. Bluff’s house and parks)
OFFICER #1 There must be some mistake boys. This is Bill Bluff’s house.
SKEETER He’s the one. Hey kidnapped out friend.
OFFICER #1 Hey boys, that’s a serious charge.
DOUG We’re telling the truth, you have to hurry. They’re going to kill him if we don’t do something. (they get out of the car and ring the doorbell, Mr. Bluff opens the door)
OFFICER #1 Sorry to bother you like this Mr. Bluff.
BILL (yawns) What seems to be the problem officer?
OFFICER #1 Uh, these boys seem to think you know where their friend is.
BILL What does this friend of yours look like boys?
SKEETER You know what he looks like. He’s about this tall and he’s slimy and scaly.
DOUG It’s the monster from the lake.
OFFICER #1 What? What are you two trying to pull?
BILL Now now officer, I was a kid too. But I assure you, I’m not hiding any scary monsters in here. Why, Beebe wouldn’t allow it. Except for some of the boys she goes out with (Bill and the officers chuckle)
SKEETER But Mr. Officer-
BILL Maybe you boys better go back to bed.
DOUG Yeah, but we-
OFFICER #1 Alright that’s enough, let’s get you boys home. Sorry to bother you Mr. Bluff.
BILL Don’t mention it.
(scene changes to a room, inside the Bluff’s house where all the agents are. It seems they have nothing to do and are doing random activities. Agent #1 is looking though a telescope and then goes over to a helm of a ship in the room. He turns it and the whole room shifts to the side he moved it, knocking people down, then he moves it back)
BOB Don’t touch that. (Bill enters the room and everyone stands at attention, the agents run over to his desk) O.K. Mr. Bluff, they’re just waiting for your word and they’ll- uh..
AGENT #1 Dispose of the monster.
BILL I don’t know, those kids have got people suspicious. If this gets out- well lets just say I don’t need any more bad press.
AGENT #1 Hey, it’s a fish right. Whenever we had a fish go belly up, whoosh, down the toilet. Nobody’s the wiser.
BOB Need an awful big toilet for a fish that size.
AGENT #1 I know where to get a big toilet.
BOB What’s a toilet like that going to cost?
AGENT #1 Less than you think.
BILL Enough, here’s what we’re going to do. Instead of keeping this quiet, we’re gonna tell everybody.
BOB You feeling alright sir?
BILL Boys? This is our chance to stop this bad press once and for all. We’re just not going to get rid of him, Bill Bluff is going to save the town from this monster.
(scene changes to Doug sleeping in his bed, he’s tossing and turning)
DOUG N. That night I couldn’t sleep, my brain wouldn’t shut up. (a dream starts, the head of the person who is talking floats across the screen)
BILL You boys could be in middle school for a long time to come.
PATTI I know you think I must be dumb because I believe all that monster stuff..
SKEETER I think you hurt his feelings.
GUY We might be stuck dancing in the school parking lot!
DOUG ..much cooler than over seeing a dance.
BILL If you know what’s good for ‘ya, you’ll forget everything that happened here tonight.
BEEBE Guy has real accomplishments, and he’s friend with my dad.
DOUG I know your dad.
BILL Not like he does (Doug’s blanket forms Bill Bluff’s head as he laughs, the camera spins around in Bill’s mouth as Doug screams and the dream is over).
DOUG N. (Doug is out of his house and running to school) The next morning, it dawned on me. I was using Herman to try to impress Patti. I wasn’t thinking about what would happen to him until it was too late. Now I had a chance to try to save him. My last chance. There was only one person that could help me get through to Mr. Bluff. It was about time to swallow my pride. (he gets to school and knocks on the door, the janitor opens the door for him)
DOUG Have you seen Guy?
JANITOR Yeah, I think I saw him in the news office. (Doug runs to the news office and looks in)
DOUG N. Or at least he had been there.
DOUG (sighs) Arg, huh? (he goes over to the computer)
DOUG N. That’s when I saw it.
DOUG Oh no! (he sits at the computer’s chair)
SKEETER I’ve been looking for you everywhere man. What is it man?
DOUG On the screen. Next week’s Weekly Beebe.
SKEETER (reading from the screen) Monster destroyed, Bill Bluff a hero!
DOUG We’re too late. Herman’s dead.
(Doug and Skeeter are at Swirly’s sitting at a table)
DOUG This stinks! Everything stinks. They killed Herman. This stinks!
SKEETER (reading from a print out they made) “Night of fun turns into night of terror, when monster rampages through school Valentine dance.” (he hands the paper to Doug)
“The horrible monster was blasted into smithereens thus saving the dance organized by cool upperclassman Guy Graham?”
Of course, he had to mention his dance.
Wait a minute, that’s- the dance isn’t until tonight. What was I thinking. Of course, Guy wanted to make sure this was in next week’s paper. This isn’t what they did, this is what they’re going to do.
Mayor Tippy! (they leave the table)
(we see the Dink’s house as the phone rings, Bud answers the phone)
Dink residence. Oh, hello Douglas. Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Bluff asked Tippy to fill in for him at a charity function in Bloatsburg. Can I connect you to our very expensive voice mail? Let’s see, you press two…
(we then see Doug and Skeeter at a pay phone in front of Swirly’s)
No, that’s O.K. Mr. Dink, thanks. (Doug hangs up the phone) Mr. Bluff, even got to Mayor Tippy, he’s out of town.
(sighs) What are we going to do man? We’ve only got a few hours.
We’re going to get some real help (he picks up the phone and dials).
(scene changes to two telephones ringing, camera zooms out as we see who answers the phone at the same time)
AL & MOO
Hello, Sleech residence.
(scene then changes to Doug, Skeeter, Al and Moo in Doug’s room)
We only have a few hours left, we have to save a life so it’s important to make sure we get everything right. Here’s the deal…
(upbeat music plays as we see the boys are very busy making plans and talking to each other for
a long time having snacks in between. Then Theda comes into the room and the boys stop.
She looks back and forth at the boys and replaces and empty plate of cookies with a new full plate and leaves the room, the boys get back to business as it turns to night time.)
Well that’s it, we better get going and hope we get it right.
SKEETER Wait a minute. Oh no!
What? What is it?
Even if we get Herman Melville free, what are we going to do with him? We can’t take him back to the lake.
That’s right, it’s totally polluted.
(Porkchop is barking and pulling on Doug’s shirt)
What is it Porkchop?
I believe your canine friend is pointing to something on the map.
Porkchop, you’re a genius.
What is it?
Funkytown is next to Lucky Duck Lake, but there’s a back entrance and it leads to Crystal Lake and that’s where we’re taking Herman. We know what to do, let’s go.
(scene changes to the Funkytown entrance, a bus pulls up and lets of people who are going to the dance)
8:14. Ready and mark. What did you just push?
This cool light.
(bus leaves and we see Roger steps out of his limo and go towards the entrance, RoboCrusher
Joey Cucamonga! Give me a heart attack why don’t ya?
I brought you this (she pulls out a winter jacket). That jacket may be fashionable but it’s certainly not warm enough (she puts it on him).
(scene changes to the Funkytown Disco where a band is playing “Deep Deep Water” and Bluff agents are all around with their laser guns)
PRINCIPAL BOB WHITE
(talking to Roger’s gang) Why aren’t you boys dancing?
Duh, you mean with a girl?
I’m eatin’ snacks.
I have to go to the bathroom.
(camera spreads across the room and we see Doug entering the disco)
Huh? (he looks up and notices all of the agents around the room, Skeeter is across the room)
My, this is certainly good punch, eh Elmo? (he looks towards Doug who gives him a nod and Skeeter goes outside to the delivery area) Excuse me, mister guard sir? I’m expecting a truck to come over from Bluffco in a few minutes.
(looks at his clipboard) Nope, no trucks due tonight.
You’re sure there’s not one parked near by? Gonna pull up at 8:30? Kinda big, smells fishy? No? Maybe I’ll just wait and see.
(scene goes to Roger, the robot and Al and Moo at the entrance of the dance)
I’m telling you, I got royally jinxed. I demand that you make this thing leave me alone.
No problem Roger.
Why didn’t you ask? RoboCrusher, 46-21.
(RoboCrusher moans and falls to the ground, Roger kicks it)
Well its about time (walks toward the dance). Humph!
(talking into is watch) Phase one complete.
(responding) Roger. (Roger is walking behind him and comes over to Doug.)
Uh.. nice jacket?
Yeah right. (he takes off the jacket RoboCrusher gave him, we see Doug’s watch turn to 8:27, then we see Patti looking around the room and Guy jumping at her)
Hey, looking for someone?
Oh Guy, you scared me. (she laughs, Doug gets annoyed and shakes his fists, then scene changes back outside with Skeeter)
Are you sure, nothing supposed to shop up around 8:30? From Bluffco?
Nope, they made their delivery hours ago.
Nobody’s dancing, maybe we should go out and break the ice?
You took the words right out of my mouth. Only let’s wait a couple minutes.
(angry) Because I said so. I mean, let’s just wait, over here, please?
(heard on Doug’s receiver) Herman’s already here.
They already got Herman here someplace, look around quick.
(Al and Moo are cover RoboCrusher with a table clothe)
He must be right in the middle of everything.
In the middle.
(he sees the agents getting ready into position with their lasers)
Stand by. Wait for it.
(looks around a sees a giant heart in the middle of the dance floor on a table) The heart.
Oh Guy. (she laughs and walks away from where Doug is)
I had to make the hardest decision of my life. Going after Patti, or saving Herman.
(he runs towards the heart, scene changes outside Funkytown where a limo pulls up and
Bill Bluff steps out)
Just in timer sir. We’re just about to break the heart.
(back inside, Doug is wheeling the heart out of the room)
What’s he doing?
The hour is approaching. (he gets ready to fire) Hold your fire, get these kids out of the way. (Doug and Skeeter keep wheeling out the heart, when suddenly the heart begins to crack)
No Herman. Stay, stay! (he fully cracks open the heart, Doug and Skeeter grab him and run off) C’mon Skeet let’s get him outta here.
(at the same time, Al and Moo uncover RoboCrusher who is now dressed in the costume
Roger had when he was going to scare Skeeter. The robot begins a pretend rampage of the
(moans) I’m a monster!
It’s over there. It’s over there. (he guides the other agents towards the robot. The agents come from all around) Go, go, go. Fire. (all the agents shoot the robot with laser guns, breaking plates as well. The robot falls and crawls on the ground, it smokes and flails a bit. Behind the crowd and some speakers, Doug and Skeeter dress the monster as Hermione.)
I think we’re ready, get the wig.
O.K, O.K. C’mon Herman.(the three of them run out the back. Patti sees them leave)
(obviously acting) My goodness, a crazed monster. Thank goodness I alerted Mr. Bluff’s agents in time to protect the citizens of Bluffington.
Coming though, coming through. (heard over there radio) Approach with caution. Approach with caution. (agent #1 takes the costume off of the robot, the robot is broken up into pieces)
Roger, Roger. Somebody take this-
Take him (they shoot the robot even more and it falls on the ground holding something, the robot falls). What is it?
(grabs it and spreads it out) Looks like clean underwear sir. (agent #1 grumbles)
(at the back entrance, Skeeter, Doug and Herman run towards the dock)
Here you go Herman, it’s clean water. Go, go!
This is it Herman, you have to go. Now, hurry, before they get here. (Doug takes off Herman’s disguise)
Home. This is your new home. (Herman grabs Doug and Skeeter and hugs them)
Not now, Herman. Not now. (the agent’s spotlight flashes on them)
There it is. You three, freeze. (agents appear from the other side)
GO! (Herman dives into the water)
Alright! Go Herman! Go! (Mr. Bluff runs through the agents)
Where is it?
The monster’s in the lake Mr. Bluff, 10 miles long and 5 miles wide. You’re welcome to start looking.
You! Well you two must be pretty smart. Well we’ll see how smart you are when I get through with you. Because from now on, I will dedicate every waking hour to making the rest of your days, a living, writhing, pain-wracked nightmare.
Daddy, knock it off.
But sugar-pie. I was just trying-
Doug and Skeeter are my friends, such as they are, if you have something to tell them, please discuss it with me.
But Beebekins, honey I-
Bill, I think you should discuss your pollution problems, with me.
Mayor Dink! Oh yes of course, certainly, certainly.
Meanwhile, it’s cold out here, shouldn’t you kids be inside dancing? (spotlight shuts off and Bill goes away following Beebe. Doug picks up Herman’s disguise and sees Patti on the shore, Doug runs up to her)
Patti, I’ve been trying to call you.
Looks like you were pretty busy.
This? (holding Herman’s dress) Oh, this is what we disguised the monster in.
Not that again.
But it’s true. See, he was- he was like a friend to us. He was so great, I wanted to tell you more than anybody but I couldn’t I didn’t want to put you in danger or get him into trouble because- (Patti gasps) Patti? Are you O.K. Patti? (Doug turns around) Herman! What are you-?
(scene changes to Doug, Skeeter, and Herman at the tip of the dock and Guy, Patty and Beebe at the beginning)
I’m glad you came back man. I forgot, I brought you something. (he takes out Moby Dick) Remember this? Herman Melville’s works? It’s not only a momento, it’s tasty snack in case you get hungry (Herman shakes his head). No, it’s good, I tried it you were right, mmmm yummy. (Herman gets a sad face)
What is it Herman? Is something the matter? (he pulls out a flower and hands it to Doug) Did- did you pick this for me? (Herman shakes his head each time) Is it for Skeeter? Patti?
(Porkchop then comes running out of the woods barking, he runs up on the dock and jumps into Herman’s arms giving him a hug. Herman returns the hug)
I think I got something in my eye.
(We see Patti reading the news article that Doug had)
(gasps) Who gave you that?
Humph! How could you?
Oh please, all this fuss over a big stinky lizard. I may throw up, we’re outta here, you comin' or what? (he grabs Patti’s arm)
You’re outta here (she pushes Guy the dock into shallow water, Beebe and Patti walk up to Skeeter, Doug and Herman).
Goodbye Herman. I hope you like your new home. I’ll (almost crying he hugs Herman) miss you.
(Herman goes to jump into the water)
Wait! I’ll miss you too man (they hug).
(Herman jumps in the water, everyone says “See ‘ya”. The scene changes to show Doug, Patti, Beebe and Skeeter sitting at the edge of the dock)
I can’t believe I let Guy fool me like that. Sorry I didn’t trust you Doug.
Well none of it would have ever happened if I wasn’t trying so hard to impress you.
Uh..(music is heard from inside)
Sounds like the dance has started up again.
What were you going to say Doug?
Hey! Psst, Funnie. You hoo! (Roger is calling Doug towards the forest)
Just a second. (grumbles) Every time I get a chance…
I just wanted to (clears throat) thank you and the guys for getting rid of my uh, robot problem.
That’s O.K., no problem Roger.
Thanks man, you’re a-
(interrupts, she’s in pieces dragging herself along the ground holding the jacket) There you are, oh you forgot your jacket. (Roger screams like a girl and runs away) Roger, Roger, Roger…(Doug goes back to the dock with Patti)
Well maybe we could, should check out this dance, huh?
Oh, O.K. cool.
We can here the music from here.
Oh! Sss-so, you just wanna listen?
Oh. Oh, you mean you- , do you- (Patti chuckles) d- would you?
Sure! (they start to dance, camera shifts to Skeeter and Beebe on the dock. Skeeter is looking out into the lake, Beebe sees Patti and Doug)
What are you thinking about Skeet-ski?
Oh but look, Doug and Patti are dancing,
doesn’t that give you any ideas?
Skeeter Valentine, dance me! (they begin to dance)
So journal, that was Valentine’s day. Up to the last minute, I thought that everyone - especially Patti - would think I was a big loser. But like Mayor Tippy said, it’s important to do the right thing, no matter what everyone else thinks. And maybe because he followed her advice, things are just a little bit better in Bluffington, Mr. Bluff volunteered to clean up Lucky Duck Lake. And Patti and I danced on the dock under the moon for quite some time. I wouldn’t have minded if it had gone on forever.
(camera zooms out from the dock over the water and after Doug says his line, bubbles from the
lake come up and pop on the surface and we hear a “glorb” sound. Fades to black)