FANDOM


  • [first lines; Cal and Emily are at a restaurant looking at the menu]
  • Cal Weaver: Oh! So full. You were right, I shouldn’t have eaten all that bread. want to split a desert?
  • [Emily doesn’t reply and Cal looks at her]
  • Cal Weaver: You okay? You seem a little off.
  • Emily Weaver: Yeah, I’m just trying to think about what I want.
  • Cal Weaver: Yeah, me too. Why don’t we just say it at the same time? One, two, three…
  • [at the same time]
  • Emily Weaver: I want to a divorce!
  • Cal Weaver: Creme brulee…
  • [Cal looks up at her in shock]
  • [as they’re driving home from the restaurant]
  • Emily Weaver: Aren’t you going to say anything? Almost twenty five years of marriage and you have nothing to say?
  • [Cal doesn’t say anything but just stares ahead]
  • [continuation of their drive home]
  • Emily Weaver: Okay, you’re not talking and you know that only makes me talk more. You know, but I mean, maybe that’s good! You know? Cause maybe I’ll just say it, maybe, maybe I’ll just tell you I slept with someone!
  • [Emily looks at Cal who has still makes no response and is still gazing ahead]
  • Emily Weaver: David Lindhagen, from work. You met him at the Christmas party, the one with the…
  • Cal Weaver: Please stop.
  • Emily Weaver: You’re the last person in the world that I’d want to hurt, Cal.
  • Cal Weaver: If you keep talking I’m going to get out of the car.
  • Emily Weaver: But I think the fact that I did it, it just shows how broke we are
  • Cal Weaver: Okay
  • Emily Weaver: How much, how much we really need…
  • [Cal calmly throws himself out of the moving vehicle so he doesn’t have to listen]
  • Emily Weaver: Hey! Oh, my God! Cal!
  • [Emily stops the car and runs towards Cal]
  • Emily Weaver: Are you okay?
  • Cal Weaver: I’ll leave tonight. I’ll sign whatever you want, just please stop talking about it.
  • Emily Weaver: Okay.
  • [after Jessica has accidently walked into Robbie’s bedroom and caught him jerking off]
  • Robbie Weaver: I’m sorry you had to see that.
  • Jessica: No, you know, I should have knocked.
  • Robbie Weaver: Just for the record, I think about you while I do it.
  • Jessica: Robbie!
  • Robbie Weaver: I have this picture of you and I look at it the whole time.
  • Jessica: Stop it!
  • Robbie Weaver: I love you, Jessica.
  • Jessica: I am actually begging you to stop it!
  • Robbie Weaver: And I know you’re seventeen and I know I just turned thirteen, which is the same age your little brother, but soon our age difference won’t even matter. Which is good, because I’m pretty sure you’re my soul mate.
  • [as Cal and Emily return home from the restaurant]
  • Jessica: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver, how was…?
  • [she notices Cal looking very disheveled]
  • Jessica: Oh, my God! Woh! What happened?
  • Cal Weaver: Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce and I jumped out of the car.
  • Emily Weaver: Cal!
  • Cal Weaver: Well,
  • Emily Weaver: Honey. Cal…
  • Cal Weaver: It’s good. Everybody good?
  • Robbie Weaver: Dad?
  • Cal Weaver: Oh! Hey, buddy. I didn’t see you standing there.
  • Robbie Weaver: You’re getting a divorce?
  • Cal Weaver: Well, yes.
  • Robbie Weaver: You jumped out of a moving car?
  • Cal Weaver: I did. I jumped out of a moving car. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
  • Robbie Weaver: I’m sorry you jumped out of car.
  • [drinking at a bar]
  • Hannah: I don’t care. I love him. I really do. And given the opportunity, yes, I would have his babies.
  • Liz: Seriously? Conan O’Brien? You would do Conan O’Brien?
  • Hannah: Oh, my God! Yes!
  • Liz: Ew! Friend to friend, ew! I don’t know, your life is so PG thirteen.
  • Hannah: My life is not PG thirteen.
  • Liz: Oh, it so is.
  • Hannah: No, it’s not!
  • Liz: Yes, it is. You’ve never left LA. You passed the bar for patent lawyer, probably get married to that human Valium, Richard. I just, listen, I worry about you, that’s all. So much potential and you’re resorted to fantasizing about Conan Ginger Junco O’Brien.
  • Hannah: He is funny!
  • Liz: He looks like a carrot, honey.
  • Jacob Palmer: Who looks like a carrot?
  • [Hannah and Liz look up to find Jacob, he’s been eying Hannah up from afar]
  • Jacob Palmer: Hi. Who looks like a carrot?
  • Liz: Conan O’Brien. My friend, um, Hannah here thinks he’s sexy.
  • Jacob Palmer: That’s weird, because I think that your friend, Hannah, is really sexy.
  • Hannah: Oh, my God! You did not just say that! How old are you?
  • Jacob Palmer: What are you, a lawyer?
  • Hannah: Yeah. A little bit.
  • Jacob Palmer: Come on!
  • Hannah: I know. Don’t you think you’re a little old to be using cheesy pick-up lines?
  • Jacob Palmer: Objection. Leading the witness. Wow, Hannah. You really wearing that dress to be doing it a favor.

Hannah: Oh, God!

  • Jacob Palmer: That’s a line. I’ve been sitting over there for the past two hours, not being able to take my eyes off of you, is a fact. I mean, there’s lots of beautiful women in this bar, your friend included. Hi.
  • [Liz is just staring at him]
  • Liz: I love you.
  • Jacob Palmer: But I can’t take my eyes off of you. That’s a fact, it’s not a line. I find you very attractive. Do you find me attractive?
  • Liz: She does.
  • Hannah: I don’t.
  • Jacob Palmer: You do. She does.
  • Liz: Yes, she does.
  • Hannah: I don’t!
  • Jacob Palmer: You do.
  • Liz: You do.
  • Hannah: I don’t!
  • Jacob Palmer: Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
  • Hannah: No.
  • Jacob Palmer: You say no a lot, don’t you?
  • Hannah: No.
  • Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy! Permission to approach the bench.
  • Hannah: Seriously?
  • Jacob Palmer: Just, come on. Let me, let me deliver my closing argument.
  • Hannah: Sure, proceed.
  • Jacob Palmer: Hannah, we live in a physical world, right?
  • Hannah: Uh-uh.
  • Jacob Palmer: And you’re going to age, right?
  • Hannah: Mm-hmm.
  • Jacob Palmer: I guarantee you this, you’re never going to regret going home with that guy form the bar that one time that was a total Tom Cat in the sack. But I can’t guarantee that you won’t not regret it.
  • Hannah: That was a double negative.
  • Jacob Palmer: You’re a double negative. Okay. Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
  • Hannah: Okay, it’s, you know what? It’s time to go home.
  • Jacob Palmer: Really?
  • Hannah: Mm-hmm.
  • Jacob Palmer: Wow, that’s forward of you. But okay.
  • Hannah: Yeah.
  • Jacob Palmer: I’ll do it.
  • [she rejects him leaving him surprised and fairly amused]
  • [as Cal is driving Jessica home]
  • Jessica: You’re the nicest dad that I babysit, of all the, um, you’re really nice.
  • Cal Weaver: That’s very nice.
  • Jessica: And, um, I like Mrs. Weaver, I like her a lot. Okay? But if she wants to divorce you, then I think she’s batshit crazy.
  • [Cal laughs]
  • Jessica: I’m sorry.
  • Cal Weaver: Okay. Okay.
  • Jessica: I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, I’ve developed like a little crush…
  • Cal Weaver: Would you do me a favor? Would you not mention to your parents that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know? It’s something we want to tell them on our own, okay?
  • Jessica: Yeah.
  • Cal Weaver: Thank you. I appreciate that.
  • [sitting at a bar drinking and turns to the two women standing at the bar]
  • Cal Weaver: Hey, guess what?
  • Girl at Bar: What?
  • Cal Weaver: My wife is having intercourse with someone who is not me.
  • Girl at Bar: I’m sorry to hear that.
  • Cal Weaver: Oh, thank you. That is very nice of you to say. Very very nice. She just told me, I just found out. So I’m a little raw. It’s, it’s…
  • [he looks up and sees the woman at the bar isn’t listening to him but talking to the friend]
  • Cal Weaver: Okay. Well, you’re not listening. Ooookay! You wouldn’t ignore me if I were David Lindhagen. My wife doesn’t ignore David Lindhagen, she screws him. She screws him. Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?
  • Cal’s Boss: You’re getting a divorce?
  • Cal Weaver: Yeah.
  • Cal’s Boss: Amy, heard you crying in the bathroom. We all thought it was cancer.
  • Cal Weaver: Oh!
  • Cal’s Boss: [laughing] Thank God, man!
  • Cal Weaver: Yeah! Just my relationship
  • [Cal’s boss laughs harder and Cal laughs with him]
  • Cal’s Boss: Thank God! Divorce!
  • Cal Weaver: I’m so lucky.
  • Cal’s Boss: You are.
  • Cal Weaver: I have to go pick up out furniture now.
  • Cal’s Boss: Okay! Okay! You go for it!
  • [as Cal is walking away]
  • Cal’s Boss: It could have been cancer, buddy!
  • [he turns and announces to everyone in the office]
  • Cal’s Boss: Hey everyone, it’s just a divorce!
  • [everyone in the office claps their hands as Cal is walking out of the office]
  • Cal Weaver: Thanks! Feels good.
  • [as Cal is about to leave with the furniture he’s taking with him]
  • Emily Weaver: I think I’m having a midlife crisis, maybe. Can women have midlife crisis? In the movies it’s always men having them and buying ridiculous yellow Porsche’s, but you know I’m not a man…
  • [Cal ignores her and walks ahead looking at the garden]
  • Cal Weaver: Fertilize, you got to be sure to fertilize all this.
  • Emily Weaver: We got married so young, Cal. You know, I’m forty four. I’m so much older than I thought I’d be.
  • Cal Weaver: There’s a turn off valve for the sprinkler, it’s over there.
  • Emily Weaver: You know, last week, you know when I told you that I had to work late. I really went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. I don’t know why I did that, and it was so bad, Cal.
  • Cal Weaver: If it keeps raining like this, you might want to turn off the automatic setting.
  • Emily Weaver: We haven’t been us, not for a long time. And I don’t know when you and I stopped being us. I mean, do you?
  • Cal Weaver: Maybe it’s when you screwed David Lindhagen.
  • [he gets into the truck and drives off]
  • [after being dumped by his friend, Cal sits at the bar drinking and ranting]
  • Cal Weaver: You know a word that is not used very often anymore? Cuckold. I’m cuckolded. David Lindhagen cuckolded me. He made a cuckold out of me. He slept with my wife and I didn’t know about it! And that is the definition of cuckoldom. David Lindhagen took my wife and slept with her. Uuch! Thought I did everything right. Got married, had kids, the house. What do I get for it? I get cuckolded? David Lindhagen cuckolded me, he made a cuckold out of me.
  • [Jacob who’s sitting at a table with a woman has been listening to Cal rant whistles at him and motions for Cal to come over, introduces himself and asks Cal to join him]
  • Cal Weaver: Hey, Cal. Sit down, I’d like to buy you a drink.
  • Jacob Palmer: Okay.
  • [Cal sits down]
  • Cal Weaver: Guess what? My wife is having an affair with David Lindha…
  • Jacob Palmer: David Lindhagen. David Lindhagen, I know. How do I know that?
  • Cal Weaver: I don’t know.
  • Jacob Palmer: I’m a total stranger. How would I know something so intimate about your wife?
  • Cal Weaver: David Lindhagen screwing your wife too?
  • Jacob Palmer: No. Do you want to know why I know that, Cal?
  • Cal Weaver: Okay.
  • Jacob Palmer: Cause it’s all that I’ve heard, Cal, for the past two nights. It’s all anybody’s heard. You’re going around, and you’re like, you’re badgering people with this sad, sack, loser, sob story and I don’t understand why.
  • Cal Weaver: You know, I don’t need this crap.
  • [Cal gets up to leave]
  • Jacob Palmer: No, sit down.
  • Cal Weaver: Alright.
  • Jacob Palmer: Look, I know that sounds harsh. But it’s true, and you need to hear the truth. Okay?
  • [Cal takes a sip of his drink through the straw in his glass]
  • Cal Weaver: Okay.
  • Jacob Palmer: Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. Just for this conversation. Do you know what that looks like? It looks like you’re sucking on a tiny schvantz, is that what you want?
  • Cal Weaver: What?
  • Jacob Palmer: Is that the message you want to sent to everybody?
  • Cal Weaver: No one’s thinking that.
  • Jacob Palmer: Really? So, permission to speak candidly, sir.
  • Cal Weaver: I think you’ve already gone there.
  • Jacob Palmer: You’re sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you’re getting drunk on watered Vodka Cranberries like a fourteen year old girl and you’re wearing a forty four when you should be wearing a forty two regular. Honestly, I don’t know if I should help you or I should euthanize you. Cal, you got a kind face. You got a good head of hair, you seem like a nice guy. I want to help you. I’m going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea, like where you lost it?
  • Cal Weaver: Strong case could be made for nineteen eighty four.
  • Jacob Palmer: Well, we’re going to find it. We are. I promise you. And I promise you this too, Cal. When we’re done, this wife of yours, she’s going to rue the day she ever decided to give up on you. That’s my offer. You in or you out?
  • Cal Weaver: Why are you doing this?
  • Jacob Palmer: Maybe you remind me of someone. You in or are you out?
  • Cal Weaver: I’m in.
  • Robbie Weaver: Can I tell you something? Love sucks!
  • [Cal laughs]
  • Cal Weaver: Yeah. You in love, buddy?
  • Robbie Weaver: Well, if you must know…
  • Jessica: Ding Dong!
  • [Jessica appears at the open door]
  • Cal Weaver: Oh, hey! Jess, thanks for coming by.
  • Jessica: Hey! Yeah.
  • Robbie Weaver: What is she doing here?
  • [referring to his apartment]
  • Cal Weaver: You’re mom wants you to stay here while she’s out hooking.
  • Robbie Weaver: What?
  • Cal Weaver: What?
  • [as Cal is about to leave Robbie and Molly in Jessica’s care whilst he goes out]
  • Robbie Weaver: Wait, we don’t need a babysitter! She’s only four years older than me. You need to know that! She needs to know that!
  • Cal Weaver: I know! I know! I know! I know! Man, are you growing up.
  • [turning to Jessica]
  • Cal Weaver: Look at him. He’s unbelievable, he’s in love already.
  • Jessica: Oh.
  • [Robbie puts sighs and put his head down in embarrassment]
  • [to Liz at Hannah’s goodbye lunch party]
  • Richard: Listen, when my girl here passes. I’m going to have another little celebration right here and I hope you can make it because it’s going to be a special night.
  • Liz: Okay.
  • [Richard kisses Hannah and sits back in his seat, Hannah turns to Liz]
  • Hannah: Did you hear that?
  • Liz: Hear what?
  • Hannah: You heard that?
  • Liz: What?
  • Hannah: Special night.
  • Liz: Yeah. Yeah.
  • Hannah: You think he’s going to propose?
  • Liz: At the El Torito Grill? God, I hope not! Why? Do you want him to?
  • Hannah: Well, he’s nice.
  • Liz: He’s ni…! Hannah?
  • Hannah: He’s a sweetheart. Look at him?
  • [referring to Richard]
  • Liz: Hannah, look at you. Look at you! If you end up with that, what am I going to end up with?
  • Hannah: Shut up!
  • Liz: It’s just depressing!
  • Hannah: Oh, come on!
  • Liz: Alright, you know what? I have to, I have to not big sister you. It’s fine. It’s…
  • [she takes another long look at Richard]
  • Liz: Jesus, really? No! No! Not my life. Not my life. I’m going.
  • [meeting Jacob at the mall]
  • Jacob Palmer: Let me ask you a question, Cal. How much money have you got today for clothes?
  • Cal Weaver: Um…
  • Jacob Palmer: What happened to your feet?
  • Cal Weaver: What do you mean?
  • [looks down at his feet]
  • Cal Weaver: These are my four-o-sevens.
  • Jacob Palmer: Oh, the four-o-sevens. Can I see them?
  • Cal Weaver: Yep.
  • [Cal takes off his sneakers]
  • Cal Weaver: These offer a lot of support.
  • Jacob Palmer: Right.
  • [Cal hands his sneakers to Jacob and he throws them down the mall]
  • Cal Weaver: Woh!
  • Jacob Palmer: What are you, in a fraternity?
  • Cal Weaver: Are you insane?
  • Jacob Palmer: Are you in a fraternity?
  • Cal Weaver: You could have hit somebody! What was that?
  • Jacob Palmer: Are you? I’m asking you a question. Are you in a fraternity?
  • Cal Weaver: No!
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.