FANDOM


                           CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE


                               Written by
                        
                              Dan Fogelman
                        
                        
                        
                                                February 19, 2010


         FADE IN:
                        
         1 INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT (PASADENA, CA) - EVENING 1 
                        
          Soft music. A classy joint. Below the tables, WE PAN
          well-heeled feet nuzzling. Finally we SETTLE ON: 
                        
                        
          A PAIR OF FEET
                        
          WHITE SNEAKERS sitting opposite FANCY HIGH HEELS. These
          feet aren't nuzzling. There's distance here.
                        
          PULL UP, REVEALING CAL WEAVER (42) and his wife, TRACY 
          (41). A handsome couple. He'd be JFK to her Jackie O... 
          if he gave a shit. Unfortunately, he doesn't (i.e.:
          white sneakers in fancy French restaurant).
                        
          Cal pulls out READING GLASSES, looks at the menu.
                        
                         CAL
          Well, I'm full. You were right,
          hon. I shouldn't have eaten all
          that bread.
                         (THEN)
          Want to just share a dessert?
                        
          Tracy is lost in thought, gazing at a menu.
                        
                         CAL
          You okay, babe? You seem out of
          it.
                        
                         TRACY
          Yeah, I'm just thinking about what
          I want.
                        
                         CAL
          Me too. Okay, let's say it at the
          same time. One. Two. Three...
                         TRACY CAL
          I want a divorce. Creme Brulee.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         2 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE (PASADENA) - SAME EVENING 2 
                        
          JESSICA (17) chases after MOLLY (9). Jessica's skinny,
          wears glasses, a hipster T-shirt. In five years, she's
          going to make all the boys' heads spin. But not yet.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          2.
                        2 CONTINUED: 2
                         JESSICA
          I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna 
          getcha!
                        
          She grabs Molly and tickles her. Molly SQUEALS with 
          delight. As she kicks... SMASH! A picture falls off the
          nearby console. Jessica picks it up: 
                        
                        
          ON SMASHED PHOTO
                        
          Cal and Tracy. This is their house.
                        
                        
          BACK TO SCENE
                         
                         JESSICA
          It's okay, my fault.
                         (THEN)
          Alright, kiddo, it's getting late,
          let's get you to bed before your
          parents get home. Don't give me
          the puppy eyes, you little maniac.
          Go brush your teeth!
                        
          Molly GIGGLES, RUNS upstairs. Once Molly's gone, Jessica
          looks at the photo. She eyes Cal affectionately. 
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
         3 INT. BAR 3
                        
          Meanwhile, TWO YOUNG PROFESSIONAL WOMEN drink and laugh
          at a table. HANNAH (24) is clearly buzzed. 
                         HANNAH
          I don't care. I love him and
          given the opportunity, I'd have
          his babies.
                        
          Her best friend, LIZ (29), LAUGHS.
                        
                         LIZ
          Seriously? Conan O'Brien? You'd
          do Conan O'Brien? 
                         
                         HANNAH
          I'm just saying, Richard's a lot 
          of things: successful, smart...
                        
                         LIZ
          Boring, workaholic, sexually 
          repressed... 
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          3.
                        3 CONTINUED: 3
                         HANNAH
          But he's not very funny, that's 
          all.
                        
                         LIZ
          Yeah, well, you want funny, go
          watch `Cosby' reruns. You want a
          good lay, go get yourself some
          of... that.
                        
          She motions off to the side.
                        
                         HANNAH
          What?
                        
                         LIZ
          The hot piece that's been checking
          you out for the last hour.
                        
          THE CROWD PARTS, revealing: JACOB PALMER (32). The 
          smoothest, coolest son-of-a-bitch you've ever seen. He
          tilts his glass at them, toasting.
                        
         4 INT. LEXUS SUV 4
                        
          Meanwhile, Cal sits in the passenger seat, dazed. A "to-
          go" box from the French restaurant in his lap. Tracy
          drives.
                        
                         TRACY
          Aren't you going to say anything?
                        
          Nothing.
                        
                         TRACY
          Almost twenty-five years of
          marriage, you have nothing to say?
                        
          She looks at him. He turns to her, about to say
          something, then... stops himself. Turns back forward.
                        
          It's silent. Devastating.
                        
          CUT BACK TO:
                        
                        
         5 INT. CAL AND TRACY'S HOUSE 5
                        
          Meanwhile, Jessica (the baby-sitter) stops at a bedroom
          door. She hears MUSIC coming from inside, puts her ear 
          to the door. It's Lady Gaga. It's awful. 
                        
          She smiles, knocks and opens the door at the same time.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          4.
                        5 CONTINUED: 5
                         JESSICA
          Hey, your sister's asleep, just
          checking you're alive --
                        
          She SCREAMS as -- 
                        
                        
                         ANOTHER ANGLE
                        
          ROBBIE WEAVER (13), quickly covers himself up. He was 
          masturbating.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Close the door!
                        
                        
          BACK TO JESSICA
                        
          who slams the door shut.
                        
                         JESSICA
                         (THROUGH DOOR)
          I'm sorry, Robbie! I didn't see 
          anything, I swear. 
                        
                        
          BACK INSIDE ROOM
                        
          Robbie lies there frozen, horrified. 
                         
         6 INT. BAR 6
                        
          Meanwhile, where Liz and Hannah keep drinking.
                        
                         LIZ
          I don't know, Hannah. Your life
          is just so... PG-13. 
                        
          Hannah's mouth drops open.
                        
                         HANNAH
          My life is not PG-13!
                         
                         LIZ
          It so is. You've never left LA. 
          You pass the bar you're gonna be,
          what, a patent lawyer, probably
          married to that snooze-fest
          Richard. I just worry about you
          is all. Hell, you've resorted to
          fantasizing about Conan `Ginger- 
          Dick' O'Brien. 
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          5.
                        6 CONTINUED: 6
                         HANNAH
                         (ADORABLE)
          He's funny.
                        
                         LIZ
          He looks like a carrot, honey.
                        
          Hannah LAUGHS.
                        
          VOICE (O.S.)
          Who?
                        
          They turn. It's Jacob Palmer (the stud from earlier). 
                        
                         LIZ
          Hi.
                        
                         JACOB
          Hi. Who looks like a carrot? 
                        
                         LIZ
          Conan O'Brien. My friend Hannah
          thinks he's sexy.
                        
                         JACOB
          I think your friend Hannah is
          sexy.
                        
          Hannah LAUGHS.
                        
                         HANNAH
          You didn't really just say that.
                        
                         JACOB
          Pretty sure I did.
                        
                         HANNAH
          How old are you?
                        
                         JACOB
          Thirty-three next month. 
                        
                         HANNAH
          Then you should know by now that
          cheesy pick-up lines don't work.
                        
          Jacob sits down at their table, uninvited.
                        
                         JACOB
          I find you incredibly sexy. It's
          a fact, not a cheesy pick-up line.
                         (MORE)
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          6.
                        6 CONTINUED: (2) 6
                         JACOB (CONT'D)
          There are many attractive women in
          this bar -- including your friend
          here -- and I've been unable to
          take my eyes off you, only you,
          for the past two hours. Again:
          not a cheesy pick-up line, just a
          fact.
                         (THEN)
          Answer this quickly, without
          thinking about your answer: do
          you find me attractive?
                        
          Hannah doesn't flinch.
                        
                         HANNAH
          I don't.
                        
                         JACOB
          Yes you do.
                        
                         LIZ
          Yes, she does.
                        
                         JACOB
          I'm an accomplished lover. If you
          come home with me, I am confident
          you will leave satisfied. 
          Multiple times. 
                        
                         HANNAH
          You've got to be kiddi--
                        
                         JACOB
          We'll make love and it will be
          amazing. You'll laugh afterwards
          and say `I never do this kind of
          thing.' Then you'll do it again. 
                        
                         HANNAH
          Is that so?
                        
                         JACOB
          It is. So now I'm going to ask if
          I can buy you another drink. If
          you say yes, we'll have one more
          cocktail each -- just enough to
          start losing inhibitions, not
          enough to get sloppy, after all:
          I promised to satisfy you. 
                        
                         LIZ
          Multiple times. 
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          7.
                        6 CONTINUED: (3) 6
                         JACOB
          That's right. So, here we go,
          Hannah: can I buy you a drink?
                        
          Hannah and Liz share a look.
                        
                         HANNAH
          What do you expect me to say to
          that?
                        
                         JACOB
          Margarita, rocks, salt.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Wow.
                        
          She STANDS, grabs her coat and Liz's hand.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Okay, time to go.
                        
          Liz doesn't move.
                        
                         LIZ
          I'll go home with you, you can
          call me Hannah, I don't give a
                         CRAP -- 
                        
                         HANNAH
          Liz!
                        
                         LIZ
          (whispering to him)
          Another time, maybe.
                        
          GIGGLING, the girls leave the bar.
                        
         7 INT. LEXUS SUV 7
                        
          Still driving, Tracy looks at Cal. He remains silent.
                        
                         TRACY
          I'm unhappy, Cal. I've tried not
          to be. We've been married so
          long, somewhere we became...
          stagnant, you know?
                        
          He keeps staring straight ahead.
                        
                         TRACY 
          Okay, you're not talking and you 
          know that only makes me talk more. 
          Maybe that's good, maybe that's 
          good. Okay... 
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
          8.
                        7 CONTINUED: 7
                         TRACY (CONT'D)
                         (THEN) 
          There's this person. 
                        
          No response. 
                        
                         TRACY
          We've been spending time together. 
          Lunches, meetings, that kind of 
          stuff... 
                        
          Silence. She closes her eyes tightly. 
                        
                         TRACY
          I slept with him. Kind of. 
                        
          Tracy opens one eye, taking a peek. Nothing. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          No, no kind of. I can't believe I 
          said kind of. That's just not 
          something you do in a kind of way. 
          I slept with someone. There. I 
          said it. I slept with someone. 
          Oh God. It's the worst thing I've 
          ever done but it feels so good to 
          say out loud. I slept with 
          someone. I SLEPT with someone. I 
          slept with SOMEONE. I slept with 
          ... please stop me, please say 
          something. 
                        
          No reaction. 
                        
                         TRACY
          David Jacobowitz. From work. You
          met him at the Christmas party. 
          You remember that party? They had 
          the giant paper-maché wreath? I 
          kept asking the decorator how he 
          made it? You wore that sweater -- 
                        
          Finally, Cal speaks --
                        
                         CAL
          Please stop.
                        
                         TRACY
          The last person in the world I'd
          ever want to hurt was you, Cal --
                        
                         CAL
          If you keep talking, I'm going to
          get out of the car.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          9.
                        7 CONTINUED: (2) 7
                         TRACY
          But the fact that I did, that it 
          could happen at all, I think it 
          just shows how broken we are and -- 
                        
                         CAL
          Okay.
                        
          Just like that, Cal OPENS THE DOOR to the moving car and,
          simply, steps out. Tracy SCREAMS as Cal goes flying.
                        
          She screeches to a stop as he tumbles to the curb in her
          rearview mirror.
                        
                        
         8 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 8
                        
          Tracy runs to him. He's on the curb, BLOODIED but okay. 
                        
                         TRACY
          Are you out of your mind!?
                        
          He looks up at her, pleading.
                        
                         CAL
          I'll leave tonight, I'll sign
          whatever you want me to sign, if
          you'll just stop talking about it.
                        
          She touches his bloody forehead, affectionate. There's
          still something here.
                        
                         TRACY
          Okay.
                        
                         CAL
          Okay.
                        
          He stands, limps back to the car.
                        
         9 INT. THE WEAVER HOUSE 9
                        
          Meanwhile, Jessica sits on the living room couch. Robbie
          ENTERS, stands there. He's a precocious, adorable,
          masturbation-addicted, thirteen-year-old.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I'm sorry that you had to see
          that.
                        
          She keeps staring straight ahead.
                        
                         JESSICA
          I should have knocked.
                         (CONTINUED)
          10.
                        9 CONTINUED: 9
          Silence. After a long beat.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          For the record: I think about you
          while I do it --
                        
                         JESSICA
          Robbie!
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I have a picture of you and I look
          at it the whole time --
                        
                         JESSICA
          Stop it!
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I love you, Jessica. And I know
          you're seventeen, and I know I
          just turned thirteen, which is the 
          same age as your little brother, 
          and you're technically my baby-
          sitter, but someday soon our age
          difference will be inconsequential
          which is good because...
                        
                         JESSICA
                         ROBBIE --
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I'm pretty sure you're my
          soulmate.
                        
          She stops, looks at him and smiles gently.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Listen, Robbie --
                        
          LIZ (O.S.)
          We're home.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Shit.
                        
          Jessica jumps off the couch.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver. How was
          dinner...
                         (NOTICING)
          Oh my God, Mr. Weaver, you're
          bleeding. Why are you bleeding?
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          11.
                        9 CONTINUED: (2) 9
                         CAL
          Mrs. Weaver told me she wants a
          divorce so I jumped out of the
          car. Hope the kids behaved. Come
          on, I'll drive you home.
                        
          Robbie steps INTO FRAME.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Dad?
                        
                         CAL
          Oh. I didn't know you were here. 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          You're getting divorced?
                        
                         CAL
          Yes.
                        
                         TRACY
          Cal!
                        
                         ROBBIE
          And you jumped out of a car?
                        
                         CAL
          A moving car, yes.
                        
                         TRACY
          Cal!
                        
                         CAL
                         (TO ROBBIE)
          I'm sorry you found out this way.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I'm sorry you jumped out of a car.
                        
                         CAL
          Thanks.
                         (THEN)
          Jessica, you got your coat?
                        
                         JESSICA
          Uh-huh.
                        
         10 INT. LEXUS SUV - LATER 10
                        
          Cal drives now. Jessica in the front. Awkward.
          Finally, Cal starts talking to himself. Almost shell- 
          shocked.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          12.
                        10 CONTINUED: 10
                         CAL
          We'll talk to the kids tomorrow.
          Tell them we're separating. Just
          separating. We'll do it together.
                        
          He thinks.
                        
                         CAL
          I'll have to tell Nanna. Uch,
          she's gonna be crushed. But not
          right now. She's got enough to
          worry about...
                        
          He trails off. Another long beat of silence, then he
          remembers his company and turns toward Jessica.
                        
                         CAL
                         (WITH ENERGY)
          So, I hear Stanford early 
          admission, huh. I know your dad
          is so proud.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Yeah.
                         (THEN)
          You're bleeding real bad, Mr.
          Weaver.
                        
          She goes to touch his eye. Out of nowhere... he starts
          BANGING THE SHIT out of his steering wheel.
                        
                         CAL
          David Jacobowitz! Are you kidding
          me!? DAVID FUCKING JACOBOWITZ!
          GOD DAMN HER! 
                        
          He calms down, slowly. Pulls up to a DRIVEWAY.
                        
                         CAL
          Sorry about that.
                        
                         JESSICA
          It's okay.
                        
          Jessica reaches for the door, but stops. She takes a
          deep breath, adorable.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Mr. Weaver, I know you don't know
          me very well, but I've been baby-
          sitting for your family for three
          years. You're the nicest dad of
          any of the families I baby-sit
          for, by a country mile.
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
          13.
                        10 CONTINUED: (2) 10
                         JESSICA (CONT'D)
          You're funny, and you're always
          really generous, and you're the
          only dad who's excited --
          genuinely excited -- to check on
          his kids when he gets home from
          dinner. Now I like Mrs. Weaver, I
          like her a lot, but if she wants
          to divorce you, well... then I
          think she's batshit crazy.
                        
          Cal smiles, distracted but grateful. 
                        
                         JESSICA
          In fact -- and, I hope this
          doesn't make you uncomfortable --
          I think I've even developed a
                         LITTLE CRUS--
                        
                         CAL
                         (NOT LISTENING)
          Hey: do me a favor -- can you not
          mention what's going on between
          Mrs. Weaver and I to your parents?
          It's probably better they hear it
          from us. Okay?
                        
                         JESSICA
          Uh-huh.
                        
                         CAL
          That's my girl.
                        
          Jessica awkwardly gets out of the car.
                        
                         CAL
          Hey, Jessica? Thanks for
          listening.
                        
          She smiles, turns back. She freezes when she sees...
          He's holding CASH out the window to pay her.
                        
                         CAL
          You put this to that fake ID
          you'll need up at Stanford. 
                        
          And with a sad wink, he drives off -- leaving her
          standing there, lovelorn and forty-five dollars richer.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
         11 INT. BAR - LATER 11
                        
          Cal sits at the bar, drinking away his sorrows. He's
          disheveled, a bit wobbly. He motions for the BARTENDER.
                         (CONTINUED)
          14.
                        11 CONTINUED: 11
                         BARTENDER
          Another vodka cranberry?
                        
                         CAL
          Yes. Just... yes.
                        
          A GIRL (30s) approaches the bar. Cal taps her shoulder,
          a drunken train-wreck waiting to happen.
                        
                         CAL
          Guess what?
                        
                         GIRL
          What?
                        
                         CAL
          My wife is having intercourse with
          someone who isn't me.
                        
                         GIRL
          I'm sorry to hear that.
                        
                         CAL
          That's very nice of you to say.
          She just told me tonight,
          obviously it came as a bit of a
          shock and you're not listening
          anymore.
                        
          The Girl has turned back to a group of friends. 
                        
                         CAL
          I bet you wouldn't ignore me if I
          were David Jacobowitz. My wife
          doesn't ignore David Jacobowitz.
          (to no one) 
          She screws him. 
                        
          Something catches Cal's eye across the bar. We PAN TO... 
                        
                        
                         JACOB PALMER
                        
          wearing his two thousand dollar suit, he's now got TWO 
          BEAUTIFUL WOMEN fawning over him at his table. 
                        
          Cal takes him in for a long beat, turns back to the 
          bartender, and decides: 
                        
                         CAL 
                         (RE: JACOB) 
          Gay. 
          15.
                        
                        
         12 EXT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - MORNING 12 
                        
          You know these places: basically a "strip" of identical 
          housing units -- usually occupied by newly-divorced dads. 
                        
          A WOMAN (60s) gives Cal the tour. 
                        
                         WOMAN 
          So it's pretty no-frills. Unit 2 
          is a lot like unit 1 except you're 
          downstairs so... the ground is 
          closer. Which is nice. 
                        
                        
         13 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER 13 
                        
          The most depressing, empty, beige place ever. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I guess the price is right. 
                        
                         WOMAN 
          Yeah, well, tons of divorced guys 
          here. You'll fit right in. 
                        
          Cal SIGHS, un-enthused. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I'll take it. 
                        
                         WOMAN 
          Ooh, the gym has an elliptical 
          machine... I assume you want to 
          get back in shape? 
                        
          Cal looks down, embarrassed. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I guess. 
                        
                         WOMAN 
          Great! I'll let you know when 
          they fix it. 
                        
         14 INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON 14 
                        
          Cal sits at his desk, doing paperwork. His BOSS ENTERS. 
                        
                         BOSS 
          Cal, I just got the weekly sales 
          report, good good good! You 
          really killed this quarter! 
                         (MORE)
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          16.
                        14 CONTINUED: 14
                         BOSS (CONT'D)
          Keep it up you're going to be 
          sitting in my seat by year's end. 
          Really great, Cal. Seriously. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Who told you Tracy and I were 
          getting a divorce? 
                        
                         BOSS 
                         (RELIEVED) 
          Divorce! That's it. Amy heard 
          you crying in the bathroom. We 
          all thought it was cancer. Thank 
          God. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I have to go buy furniture now. 
                        
          Cal stands, EXITS. 
                        
                         BOSS 
          Go for it! 
          (then, calling after) 
          It could have been cancer, buddy! 
                        
         15 INT. FURNITURE STORE - LATER 15 
                        
          Cal is sitting on a plain, faux-modern couch. He's 
          staring into space. A SALESMAN APPROACHES. 
                        
                         SALESMAN 
          Can I help you, sir? 
                        
                         CAL 
          My wife is sleeping with David 
          Jacobowitz. I need a couch. 
                        
                         SALESMAN 
          Ooh, I understand. Can I give you 
          a word of advice, one divorced man 
          to another? If you don't mind? 
                        
                         CAL 
          Sure. 
                        
                         SALESMAN 
          Get the matching chaise, killer 
          deal. 
                        
          He pats the adjacent piece. Cal processes this. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I want it in beige. 
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          17.
                        15 CONTINUED: 15
                         SALESMAN 
          I'll write you up. 
                        
                        
         16 INT. BAR - NIGHT 16 
                        
          Cal's back at the bar, sipping on his drink. He looks 
          absolutely exhausted. He looks across the bar. 
                        
          At his usual table, Jacob is now wooing a NEW WOMAN. 
                        
          Cal shakes his head, amazed at this guy's chutzpah. A 
          GUY grabs the open bar stool next to Cal. Cal reacts. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm waiting for 
          a friend. 
                        
                         GUY 
          You've been holding the seat for 
          an hour. 
                        
                         CAL 
                         (TOO LOUD) 
          Yeah, well, my wife is screwing 
          David Jacobowitz so eat me. 
                        
          The guy shrugs, walks away. Cal looks at his watch, puts 
          a napkin on his drink, and stands. 
                        
         17 INT. BATHROOM - LATER 17 
                        
          Cal pees. Jacob steps INTO FRAME in the adjacent urinal. 
          Cal does a friendly "I'm peeing next to you" nod. Then: 
                         CAL 
          Can't help but notice that you're 
          always surrounded by women. 
          Multiple women. 
                        
          Jacob doesn't even turn. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I'm getting divorced. Or, in the 
          process. Gonna be single again. 
                        
          Nothing. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Any advice? 
                        
                         JACOB 
          Yeah. 
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          18.
                        17 CONTINUED: 17
          Jacob zips, flushes, turns. 
                        
                         JACOB 
          Don't start conversations with 
          people while they're pissing. 
                        
          He walks away, washes his hands, EXITS. A beat, then: 
                        
                         CAL 
                         (TO HIMSELF) 
          So gay. 
                        
                         DISSOLVE TO: 
                        
                        
         18 INT. BAR - LATER 18 
                        
          Cal's a few drinks in now. The door to the bar opens as 
          BERNIE (late 40s) rushes in. An oak tree of a man. He's 
          carrying a SHOPPING BAG. 
                        
                         BERNIE 
          Sorry I'm late, I had to pick 
          something up from Macy's. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Don't worry about it, here, sit, 
          I've been guarding this stool with 
          my life. 
                        
          Bernie sits, looks uncomfortable. 
                        
                         CAL 
          It's good to see you, man. I've 
          called you a few times. It's been 
          a rough couple of days, obviously. 
          Nothing I could use more than my 
          old pal Bernie to unload on. Hey, 
          we should play racquetball, when's 
          the last time we played 
          racquetball? 
                        
                         BERNIE 
          Claire won't let me be friends 
          with you anymore. 
                        
          Cal takes this in. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I'm sorry, what? 
                        
                         BERNIE 
          She said we had to choose between 
          you and Tracy. I chose you. She 
          said no. 
                         (CONTINUED)
          19.
                        18 CONTINUED: 18
          He pulls a WRAPPED PACKAGE from the bag, hands it to Cal. 
                        
                         BERNIE 
          It's cologne. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Are you breaking up with me? 
                        
                         BERNIE 
          Claire's waiting in the car. 
          Um... there's a gift receipt in 
          there. Sorry. 
                        
          Bernie stands, awkwardly. He pats Cal on the shoulder, 
          lingers a beat too long, then simply turns and EXITS. 
                        
          Cal is left alone. He raises a finger at the Bartender. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Do you have anything with a worm 
          in it? Because I'd like a gallon 
          of that now. 
                        
                        
                         ON JACOB 
                        
          Legs crossed, martini in hand, he's been watching Cal get 
          dumped this whole time. 
                        
          He PANS UP from Cal's feet. The white sneakers. Bad
          navy blue dress socks. Dad khakis. An ill-fitting,
          untucked, dress shirt. Half-lidded eyes. Rumpled hair.
                        
          Jacob shakes his head. Jesus Christ. He says something 
          to THE WOMAN who currently sits at the table. She nods, 
          gets up and walks away. 
                        
                        
          BACK TO CAL
                        
          As the Bartender pours him a second shot. He's now 
          showing pictures from his wallet to the Bartender.
                        
                         CAL
          This is my youngest, Molly. Her
          two favorite things are High
          School Musical and her mother. I
          hate both of her two favorite
          things.
                        
          A SHARP WHISTLE interrupts. Cal turns, sees Jacob.
                        
          Jacob motions for Cal to come over. Every move Jacob
          makes is practiced, perfectly cool.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          20.
                        18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
          Cal points at himself: "Me?" Jacob nods: "Yep." Cal
          SHRUGS, stands, and wobbles over towards Jacob. 
                        
                         JACOB
          Jacob Palmer.
                        
                         CAL
                         CAL WEA--
                        
                         JACOB
          I'd like to buy you a drink, Cal.
                        
                         CAL
          I already have a drink.
                        
                         JACOB
          Let me buy you a drink, Cal.
                        
                         CAL
          Okay.
                        
          Jacob motions to the Bartender who NODS. Cal SITS.
                        
                         CAL
          My wife is cheating on me with --
                        
                         JACOB
          David Jacobowitz, yes, Cal, I've
          heard. We've all heard. For the
          last two nights, I've watched you 
          batter every poor soul in this bar
          with your sad-sack loser sob
          story.
                        
          Cal takes this in. He STANDS.
                        
                         CAL
          You know what, I don't need this
                         CRAP -- 
                        
                         JACOB
          Sit down, Cal.
                        
                         CAL
          Okay.
                        
          Cal sits. Jacob's that powerful. Cal's that drunk.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          21.
                        18 CONTINUED: (3) 18
                         JACOB
          Cal, I'm going to make you an
          offer, it's probably the best
          offer you're ever going to get,
          and you're extremely drunk, so
          it's wildly important that you
          don't answer until I've finished
          and you've taken a few moments to
          process what I'm saying. Do you
          understand?
                        
          Cal goes to answer, Jacob holds up a finger. Cal stops
          himself. Once he's settled, Jacob continues:
                        
                         JACOB
          As I said, I've been watching you
          for two days now and I can say, 
          without hesitation, that you are
          the sorriest man I've ever seen in
          my life -- don't interrupt, Cal,
          it's the truth, and you need to
          hear it. You're sitting there
          with your Supercut haircut,
          getting drunk on watered down
          vodka-cranberries like a fourteen-
          year-old girl, wearing a 41R
          jacket when you should be wearing
          a 40L -- I don't know if I want to
          help you or euthanize you
          -- stop drinking out of the
          goddamn straw, Cal. 
                        
          Cal stops drinking from the wimpy red straw. 
                        
                         JACOB
          You asked me for advice before, 
          Cal, so I'm going to help you. I 
          don't know why. Maybe I'm just
          bored. Maybe all my friends have
          abandoned me for wives and
          children and labradoodle puppies,
          who cares why? Why doesn't
          matter. The point is, you've got
          a good face, and a good head of
          hair, and I'm bored as hell and
          need a project. So if you want,
          I'm going to help you rediscover
          your manhood. Do you remember
          when it was that you lost it? 
                        
          Cal shakes "no."
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          22.
                        18 CONTINUED: (4) 18
                         JACOB
          Doesn't matter, we'll find it.
          And when we do, when I'm through
          with you, that wife of yours is
          going to rue the day she decided
          to give up on you too early.
          That's my offer. What do you say?
                        
          Cal stares at him blankly. A long beat of silence. Cal
          goes for a drink, almost uses the straw... then catches
          himself. He puts down the drink. Looks up.
                        
                         CAL
          Yeah, okay.
                        
                         JACOB
          Mall food court, Thursday, six
          o'clock.
                        
                         CAL
          I'm sorry, what?
                        
          Jacob downs his drink, nods at THE WOMAN (now nearby). 
                        
                         JACOB
          You ready to go? 
                        
          She nods, subservient, and follows him out.
                        
          Cal shakes his head, picks up his drink, and slurps the
          rest of his vodka cranberry out of the straw.
                        
         19 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - DAY (ONE WEEK LATER) 19 
                        
          A well-maintained yard, bordered by shrubs and bushes. A 
          long driveway runs parallel to the yard. A medium-sized 
          U-HAUL is parked in the driveway. 
                        
          Cal EXITS the back door, carrying a BOX. He loads it 
          into the U-haul and takes a last look back at: 
                        
                        
                         HIS BACKYARD 
                        
          A weathered playground sits off to the side. You can 
          tell it hasn't been used in quite some time. Baseball 
          equipment lays all over, the site of many father-son 
          catches. An oft-used barbecue next to the house. 
                        
          You can tell a lot about this family from seeing this 
          backyard. You like this family a lot from seeing this 
          backyard. 
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          23.
                        19 CONTINUED: 19
          TRACY (O.S.) 
          Cal? 
                        
          Cal looks up. Tracy approaches. She's wearing sweats. 
          It's pretty obvious that she's been crying. Awkward 
          silence. Neither knows what to say. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          I just wanted to say that... 
                        
          Her voice cracks. She turns away. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Shit. 
                        
          She gathers herself. Cal steps forward. Instinct tells 
          him to comfort his wife but he can't anymore and he stops 
          himself. She realizes this. There's something harsh and 
          complicated about the reality of it all. 
                        
          Tracy looks at the U-HAUL, wipes her eyes and tries to 
          lighten things. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Do you want me to back that thing 
          out of the driveway for you? 
                        
                         CAL 
          I'll be fine. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          You have trouble in reverse is 
          all. 
                        
                         CAL 
          It was two times -- 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Three if you count my father's 
          foot. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I did that on purpose. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          I knew it. 
                        
          They smile, in rhythm for a moment. Then they realize, 
          stop smiling. Cal turns awkwardly. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Once I'm settled, I'll get the 
          kids so they can see the place. 
                        
          He walks to the truck. Tracy's voice stops him. 
                         (CONTINUED)
          24.
                        19 CONTINUED: (2) 19
                         TRACY 
          I think I'm have a mid-life crisis 
          maybe. Can women have mid-life 
          crisis? 
                        
                         CAL 
                         (AVOIDING ENGAGEMENT) 
          Make sure the lawn gets enough 
          water. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          In the movies it's always men 
          having them and buying ridiculous 
          yellow Porsches, but I'm not a man 
          and I really don't want a yellow 
                         PORSCHE -- 
                        
                         CAL 
          You have to fertilize once a 
          month. Not twice a month, not 
          once every two months. 
                        
          She takes a deep breath, finding her balance. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          We got married so young, Cal. And 
          I'm forty-one. And that's so much 
          older than I thought I'd be. 
                        
                         CAL 
          The sprinklers turn off behind 
          you. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          And I got really upset with an 
          umpire at Molly's t-ball game last 
          month -- like really upset, like I 
          screamed at him and wished he 
          would die -- and I started feeling 
          like the person I promised I 
          wouldn't turn into, you know? 
                        
                         CAL 
          If it rains a lot, you need to 
          shut off the automatic setting. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          And we haven't been us, not for a 
          long time. And I don't know when 
          you and I stopped being `us' 
          but... I mean, do you? 
                        
          Cal finally turns and looks at her. 
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          25.
                        19 CONTINUED: (3) 19
                         CAL 
          I think it was when you screwed 
          David Jacobowitz. 
                        
          Ouch. Tracy's face registers the blow, but she nods: 
          she also understands it. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Make sure my azaleas get enough 
          sun. 
                        
          Cal turns, gets in the U-HAUL, and backs out... 
                        
          And immediately crashes into the neighboring FENCE. 
                         
                        
         20 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - EVENING 20 
                        
          Cal leads in Molly and Robbie. 
                        
                         CAL
          Okay, well, this is it. What do
          you think? Didn't have a lot of
          time to house-hunt, but...
                        
          They look around his depressing, beige apartment. A 
          pathetic TV plays the Disney Channel in the corner. 
                        
                         CAL
          There's a second bedroom with twin
          beds so you two can stay over
          whenever you want! Anytime!
                        
                         ROBBIE
          So... you're like, actually going 
          to live here?
                        
          Molly looks like she's going to cry.
                        
                         CAL
          Hey, hey. Come on now, you'll
          visit all the time. Every
          weekend. It won't be that bad.
                        
                         MOLLY
          Don't you love us anymore?
                        
          Cal takes Molly's face in his hands, starts tearing up. 
                        
                         CAL
          Listen, baby. What's happening
          with your mommy and I... it's not
          what either of us wanted, not what
          either of us planned.
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
          26.
                        20 CONTINUED: 20
                         CAL (CONT'D)
          But you need to understand that
          you kids have done nothing wron--
                        
                         MOLLY
          TROY!
                        
          She bolts past Cal to the TV, where ZAC EFRON is on-
          screen, prancing about in a basketball uniform. Robbie
          and Cal stand there, awkwardly.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Don't take it personally. That
          show's like crack to her.
                        
          Cal NODS.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          You okay?
                         
                         CAL
          You?
                        
          Robbie shrugs.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Can I say something with a curse?
          One time?
                        
                         CAL
          Yeah. Why not?
                        
          Robbie NODS, takes a deep breath.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Love is fucked. 
                        
          Cal LAUGHS, a bit of tension relieved.
                        
                         CAL
          Is that so? You in love, buddy?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Well, if you must know --
                        
          JESSICA (O.S.)
          Ding dong.
                        
          They turn -- it's Jessica, the baby-sitter.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          What is she doing here?
                        
                         CAL
          Oh, right, hey, Jess, thanks for
                         COMING --
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
          27.
                        20 CONTINUED: (2) 20
                         CAL (CONT'D)
          (back to Robbie)
          I have to run out really quickly,
          just for a few hours, and your
          mother wants you to stay here
          while she's out hooking --
                        
                         ROBBIE
          What?
                        
                         CAL
          Huh?
                        
                         JESSICA
                         (CHANGING TOPICS)
          The place is... nice, Mr. Weaver.
                        
                         CAL
          Yes, well, that's a generous
          adjective, thank you.
                         (TO ROBBIE)
          Anyhow, Jess is gonna keep an eye
          on you guys for a few.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          But I don't need a babysitter!
          She's only four years older than
          me! You need to know that! She
          needs to know that!
                        
                         CAL
          I know, buddy.
                        
          Cal musses Robbie's hair.
                        
                         CAL
          My little boy's growing up, Jess.
          He's in love already, can you
          believe it?
                        
          Uch. Robbie thumps the wall with his head, dying. 
                        
                         CAL
          Molly, say bye-bye to Daddy? 
                        
          No response, she's glued to the television.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Wait, where are you going?
                        
                         CAL
          I'm, uh... I decided to take a
          class.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          28.
                        20 CONTINUED: (3) 20
                         JESSICA
          That's great, Mr. Weaver. It's a 
          difficult time for you, it's
          important that you find new
          interests, try new things, maybe
          things you'd never have considered
          trying before...
                        
          Cal looks down, Jessica has her hand on his shoulder.
          It's a bit odd. She realizes, takes it off.
                        
                         CAL
          Okay, well... Molly, last chance!? 
                        
          But Molly is still locked on Efron.
                        
                         CAL
          That's my angel. Back in a few. 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          But, Dad --
                        
                         CAL
          Nope.
                        
          The door slams. Robbie stands there with Jessica,
          awkward. Tries to maintain some semblance of cool.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I don't need a baby-sitter.
                        
                         JESSICA
          I know, Robbie.
                        
          An awkward beat, then.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I love you so much --
                        
                         JESSICA
          Jesus Christ.
                        
         21 EXT. SHOPPING MALL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 21
                        
          Cal pulls into the parking lot, grabs a space.
                        
                         CAL
          What am I doing?
                        
                        
         22 INT. SHOPPING MALL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 22
                        
          He ENTERS, still going.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          29.
                        22 CONTINUED: 22
                         CAL
          What the hell am I doing?
                        
          He walks past a CHEESECAKE FACTORY. Inside is... 
                        
          Hannah (girl from the bar who Jacob tried picking up). 
                        
                        
         23 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 23
                        
          She's sitting at a table with Liz (her friend) and a
          GROUP OF REALLY BORING WHITE PEOPLE in suits. There are
          SMALL GIFTS in front of Hannah.
                        
          Holding her hand is an average guy (33), her boyfriend,
          RICHARD. We PICK UP mid-conversation.
                        
                         RICHARD
          I think you're wrong. I think
          that's Tucker.
                        
                         WHITE MAN
          No, no, no. Chris Rock is the
          stand-up comedian. Chris Tucker
          is the actor.
                        
                         WHITE WOMAN
          Is it racist that I can't tell
          them apart?
                        
          Liz nods her head "yes" at Hannah. Hannah stifles a
          LAUGH. Liz stands.
                        
                         LIZ
          Well, Richard: thank you for
          inviting me to Hannah's `goodbye'
          party. The conversation has been
          riveting, like stepping back in 
          time. Before I go, a toast.
                        
          She holds up her glass, toasting.
                        
                         LIZ
          Sweetie: go into your hole and 
          study your cute little ass off for
          that bar exam. We'll see you when
          you emerge.
                        
                         RICHARD
          She's gonna kick that bar's butt!
                        
          All the dorks CHEER. Liz SHRUGS.
                        
                         LIZ
          Yeah, okay.
                         (CONTINUED)
          30.
                        23 CONTINUED: 23
          Liz CHUGS her drink, turns to Hannah.
                        
                         HANNAH
                         (SMILING)
          I'll walk you out.
                        
          Before they clear...
                        
                         RICHARD
          Hey, Liz? When my girl passes,
          we're gonna have another little
          celebration, right here. Hope you
          can make it. It's going to be a
          special night.
                        
                         LIZ
          Richard, you just give me a heads-
          up so I can get really drunk
          before-hand, okay?
                        
                         RICHARD
          You know it!
                        
          Hannah leads Liz out of the restaurant, WHISPERS:
                        
                         HANNAH
          Did you hear that? `It's going to
          be a special night.' You think
          he's going to propose?
                        
                         LIZ
          At the Cheesecake Factory? Oh
          God, I hope not.
                         (THEN)
          Why? Do you really want him to?
                        
          Hannah SHRUGS.
                        
                         HANNAH
          He's nice.
                        
                         LIZ
          Yeah, well... Jesus. Really? 
          (with a shrug)
          Okay. Not my life, I love you,
          call me if you need anything. 
                        
          Liz KISSES her goodbye, EXITS. Hannah looks at her 
          table. Everyone is typing on their BLACKBERRIES. 
                        
          She SIGHS, heads to rejoin them.
          31.
                        
                        
         24 INT. FOOD COURT 24 
                        
          Meanwhile, Cal sees Jacob, standing against a pole in the 
          food court. Jacob is eating pizza, cool as ever.
                        
                         JACOB
          You're late.
          (then, offering)
          Sbarro's?
                        
                         CAL
          No thanks. So what exactly are
                         WE --
                        
                         JACOB
          How much money can you afford to
          spend on clothes today?
                        
                         CAL
          I dunno. Five hundred?
                        
                         JACOB
          Three thousand.
                        
                         CAL
          Okay.
                        
                         JACOB
          We'll start with shoes. Let me
          see those sneakers you're wearing.
                        
          Cal holds up his foot.
                        
                         JACOB
          Take them off.
                        
          Cal bends down, takes one off. 
                        
                         JACOB
                         (CHEWING)
          Other one too, please?
                        
          Cal does as he's told. Jacob holds out his hands. Cal
          SHRUGS, hands Jacob the shoes.
                        
          Jacob simply turns and throws them over the railing. 
                        
                         CAL
          What the hell!?
                        
                         JACOB
          Are you in a fraternity, Cal?
                        
                         CAL
          Those were my favorite shoes.
                         (CONTINUED)
          32.
                        24 CONTINUED: 24
                         JACOB
          ARE YOU IN A FRATERNITY, CAL!?
                        
                         CAL
          No.
                        
                         JACOB
          Are you Steve Jobs?
                        
                         CAL
          What?
                        
                         JACOB
          ARE YOU THE BILLIONAIRE OWNER OF
          APPLE COMPUTERS?
                        
                         CAL
          No. I'm not Steve Jobs.
                        
                         JACOB
          Then you don't need to walk around
          in New Balance Sneaker, ever.
          Let's go.
                        
         25 INT. SHOE STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 25
                        
          Cal (barefoot) follows Jacob around the store.
                        
                         CAL
          I think this whole thing might
          have been a bad idea.
                        
          Jacob ignores him, grabs a pair of BLACK DRESS SHOES. 
                        
                         JACOB
          Any man can rebuild his entire
          wardrobe with sixteen simple
          items.
                        
                         CAL
          Ha! I think I read that in GQ.
                        
                         JACOB
          You did. I wrote it.
                        
                         CAL
          Really?
                        
          Jacob CHUCKLES. Cal CHUCKLES back, clearly unsure what
          the chuckle symbolizes.
                        
                         JACOB
          Numbers one and two: pair of
          dress shoes, pair of loafers.
                         (CONTINUED)
          33.
                        25 CONTINUED: 25
          Cal is looking at a pair of ARGYLE SOCKS. 
                        
                         CAL
          I'm sorry, I'm lost: do you
          really write for GQ?
                        
          Jacob slaps Cal's hand, knocking the socks away. 
                        
                         JACOB
          Your credit card please?
                        
                        
          MONTAGE - FROM STORE TO STORE
                        
          We watch as Jacob narrates the wardrobe essentials (and
          as Cal's arms get progressively fuller) in each store.
                        
         26 IN A SUIT STORE 26
                        
          Cal gets fitted.
                        
          JACOB (V.O.)
          Two suits: one black, one grey.
          One sports jacket, navy preferred.
                        
          Jacob leans in toward the tailor.
                        
                         JACOB
          Take it in there... and there. 
                        
                        
         27 AT ANOTHER STORE 27
                        
          Cal holds jeans in front of him, eyes them suspiciously.
          JACOB (V.O.)
          One pair of quality jeans.
                        
                         CAL
          These are two hundred and thirty
          dollars. Can't we just go to the
          Gap?
                        
          He looks up. Jacob is gone. 
                        
          SMASH CUT TO: 
                        
                        
         28 EXT. MALL - MOMENTS LATER 28 
                        
          Cal runs outside. Jacob is already halfway to the car. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I'm sorry! Don't leave! 
                         (CONTINUED)
          34.
                        28 CONTINUED: 28
          Jacob immediately heads back inside and answers: 
                        
                         JACOB
          No, Cal. We can't just go to the
          Gap.
                        
                         CAL
          What's wrong with the Gap?
                        
                         JACOB
          In Hell, every store is the Gap,
          that's what's wrong with the Gap,
          Cal. It's lowest common
          denominator. Be better than the
          fucking Gap, Cal.
                        
         29 IN A NEW STORE 29
                        
          Jacob holds up a pair of beige slacks.
                        
          JACOB (V.O.)
          One pair of chinos.
                        
          CHING. A cash register DINGS.
                        
          JACOB (V.O.)
          Four dress shirts.
                        
          CHING. CHING. CHING. CHING. Cal's arms are filling.
                        
          JACOB (V.O.)
          Three casual button-downs.
                        
          CHING. CHING. CHING. In a dressing room shirts come
          flying over the wall at Cal.
                        
         30 A NEW STORE 30
                        
          Cal struggles to get a sweater over his neck.
                        
          JACOB (V.O.)
          Two v-neck cashmere sweaters, and
          finally, a long overcoat.
                        
          Cal stands there in an overcoat and sweater.
                        
                         CAL
          I'm very warm.
                        
                        
         31 IN A BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE 31
                        
          Jacob leads Cal through the store. He tosses him a TUBE.
                         (CONTINUED)
          35.
                        31 CONTINUED: 31
                         JACOB
          You rub this in around your eyes
          every night and every morning.
                        
                         CAL
          What does it do?
                        
                         JACOB
                         (SARCASTIC)
          It gives you x-ray vision, Cal.
                         (THEN)
          It tightens things up. The skin
          around your eyes looks like Milton
          Berle's ballsack.
                        
          Cal stops, examines his eyes in a mirror.
                        
                         CAL
          Oh my God, it does.
                        
         32 IN A SALON 32
                        
          Cal is getting his hair cut at a fancy salon. The
          HAIRDRESSER is young, hip, and beautiful.
                        
                         CAL
          I like to use a number four on the
          sides and the back, go longer on
          the top.
                        
                         JACOB
          Oh, okay. Thanks for that, Vidal
          Sassoon. Tiffany, hon? Scissor 
          cut, tight on sides, get him some
          texture up top, take off about...
          He touches Cal's hair, measures it between his fingers.
                        
                         CAL
          Eww.
                        
                         JACOB
          ... inch off the top.
                        
                         TIFFANY
          Yes, sir.
                        
                         CAL
                         BUT --
                        
          Tiffany starts chopping.
                         
          36.
                        
                        
         33 INT. SALON - LATER 33
                        
          Jacob and Tiffany wait for Cal (inside a changing room).
                        
                         JACOB
          What are you putting on?
                        
          CAL (O.S.)
          Items one, three, eleven, and
          fourteen.
                        
                         JACOB
          Perfect.
          (then, to Tiffany)
          You smell great by the way.
                        
                         TIFFANY
                         (SMITTEN)
          Thanks.
                        
                         JACOB
          What are you doing tonight?
                        
                         TIFFANY
          I don't know.
                        
                         JACOB
          That's okay, I do.
                        
          She GIGGLES. Cal calls out.
                        
          CAL (O.S.)
          Seriously? You just ask her out
          like that?
                        
                         JACOB
          Yes, Cal, just like that.
                        
          CAL (O.S.)
          And it works?
                         JACOB TIFFANY
          Yes. Yes.
                        
          CAL (O.S.)
          Crazy.
                         (THEN)
          Okay, I feel kind of stupid but...
                        
          The DRESSING ROOM DOOR opens. We TILT UP... FROM
          expensive shoes, TO pants, TO fitted sweater over a
          fitted shirt and bright tie. The new haircut...
                        
          A new man. He looks... unbelievable.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          37.
                        33 CONTINUED: 33
                         TIFFANY
          Wow.
                        
                         JACOB
          Yep.
                        
                         CAL
          Can I blouse out the shirt a
          little? I like to blouse out my
          shirts a little.
                        
                         JACOB
          Shut up, Cal.
                         (TO TIFFANY)
          You'd fuck him, right?
                        
                         CAL
                         (HORRIFIED)
          Jesus!
                        
                         TIFFANY
          Yeah, probably.
                        
                         CAL
          Tiffany!
          (then, realizing)
          You would!?
                        
          Tiffany SHRUGS.
                        
                         JACOB
          You see that, Cal? The simple act
          of opening your mouth instantly
          causes Tiffany to lose interest in
          sleeping with you. Your
          personality is actually your
          weakest link.
                        
          Cal takes this in.
                        
                         CAL
          Well, that's the meanest thing
          anyone's ever said to me.
                        
                         JACOB
          No, Cal. The meanest thing
          anyone's ever said to you is this:
          your wife cheated on you because
          you lost sight of what it took to
          keep her content at home -- as a
          man, as a husband, and probably as
          a lover.
                        
          Cal's lower lip begins to quiver. 
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          38.
                        33 CONTINUED: (2) 33
                         CAL
          Yeah, okay, that was meaner.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         34 INT. BAR - NEXT NIGHT 34
                        
          Cal sits next to Jacob. Cal is wearing his new "outfit." 
          He looks great, but not yet comfortable in his new 
          "gear."
                        
          Jacob, on the other hand, looks like he's walked out of a
          men's magazine. And he knows it. Cal looks at Jacob. 
                        
                         CAL
          I notice you only button your
          shirts up, like, halfway. I can't
          pull that off, right?
                        
                         JACOB
          No. Listen, Cal, I'm going to be 
          calling women over to our table
          shortly.
                        
          Cal rubs his hands together, nervous.
                         
                         CAL
          We should have some background on
          each other, no? I'm in insurance,
          more on the corporate side. My
          kids are --
                        
                         JACOB
          Cal, the only thing I care less
          about than corporate insurance are
          your kids. Here's the only thing 
          I need to know: how many women
          have you been with?
                        
                         CAL
          Sexually?
                        
                         JACOB
          Yes.
                        
                         CAL
          In my entire life?
                        
                         JACOB
          No, synchronized swimming. Yes, 
          Cal. Sexually. 
                        
          Cal thinks. He MUMBLES to himself, counting it out on
          one hand.
                         (CONTINUED)
          39.
                        34 CONTINUED: 34
          He smiles at Jacob proudly when he has to move the count
          to a second hand. Then:
                        
                         CAL
          One.
                        
          Jacob CHORTLES. But Cal just stares at him blankly. 
                        
                         JACOB
          Wow, okay... wow.
          (then, checking) 
          Not at a time? Total? 
                        
                         CAL
          What? I married young. We met in
          high school.
                        
          He smiles, remembering.
                        
                         CAL
          Tracy was so damn beautiful. You
          know those women, the ones who can
          be wildly sexy and unbelievably
          cute all at once? I never knew
          how she did that. I still don't
          know how she does it.
                         (THEN)
          Anyway, we had a bit of a hiccup
          our senior year but we made it -- 
                        
                         JACOB
          Cal, I literally stopped listening
          at `Tracy.' Okay, here we go.
                        
                         CAL
          (a bit emotional)
          I miss my wife.
                        
                         JACOB
          Shut up, Cal.
                        
          A YOUNG WOMAN slides into the booth at Jacob's side.
                        
                         YOUNG WOMAN
          Hi.
                        
                         JACOB
          Hi. Jacob Palmer. 
                        
                         YOUNG WOMAN
          Amy Johnson.
                        
          Cal extends his hand.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          40.
                        34 CONTINUED: (2) 34
                         CAL
                         CAL --
                        
                         JACOB
                         (QUICKLY)
          Don't.
                        
          He pulls it back.
                        
                         CAL
                         (TO HIMSELF)
          -- Weaver.
                        
                         JACOB
          Can I get you a drink, Amy?
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        35 A DRINK 35
                        
          gets handed over to: a NEW GIRL, on a NEW NIGHT. 
                        
                         JACOB
          Tell me about yourself. What do
          you do?
                        
                         NEW GIRL
          Does it really matter? 
                        
                         JACOB
          It does to me.
                        
          She looks up. He looks completely earnest, repeats:
                        
                         JACOB
          It does to me.
                        
          She smiles.
                        
          PAN TO CAL: just sitting there watching, horrified.
                        
                        
         36 BACK TO JACOB 36
                        
          Now with NEWER GIRL. 
                        
                         NEWER GIRL
          And that's when I started writing
          the column for LA Weekly. God, 
          how long have I been talking?
                        
          Jacob takes her hand.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          41.
                        36 CONTINUED: 36
                         JACOB
          Listen, I'm going to be honest:
          it's getting late and I think
          you're interesting. I also think
          you're one of those rare women who
          manages to be both wildly sexy and
          incredibly cute all at once.
                        
                        
                         ON CAL
                        
          Mouth agape. That was his line!
                        
                        
                         ON JACOB
                        
                         JACOB
          Let's get out of here. I know
          it's forward of me but just... I
          think we should get out of here.
                        
          She thinks, then NODS.
                        
                         NEWER GIRL
          Okay.
                        
          FLASH CUT TO:
                        
         37 THE SECOND GIRL 37
                        
                         JACOB
          I think we should get out of here.
                        
                         NEW GIRL
          Okay.
          FLASH CUT TO:
                        
                        
         38 THE FIRST GIRL 38
                        
                         JACOB
          I think we should get out of here.
                        
                         FIRST GIRL
          Okay.
                        
                        
         38A BACK TO CAL 38A
                        
          waving goodbye awkwardly as Jacob leaves with each of the
          girls (IN QUICK CUTS). Finally:
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          42.
         38A CONTINUED: 38A
          Cal just sits there, completely alone. But then A PRETTY 
          GIRL arrives at his table. Cal looks up, smiles. She
          smiles back, then:
                        
          She drops THE BILL on the table. She's a waitress. And
          he's been left with the tab.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         39 INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON (ONE WEEK LATER) 39
                        
          ON THE BLACKBOARD: "SCARLET LETTER, THEMES." 
                        
          Robbie Weaver sits at his 8th grade desk. In the b.g.,
          we hear a FEMALE TEACHER drone on about The Scarlet
          Letter. Under his desk, Robbie is TEXTING. 
                        
                         INTERCUT WITH: 
                        
         40 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - JESSICA 40 
                        
          receiving the text. 
                        
                        
          ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN
                        
          The text: "Hi, Jessica. FYI: Demi Moore is 15 yrs
          older than Ashton K. They seem really happy. Love,
          Robbie."
                        
          Her phone BEEPS with a NEW TEXT: "P.S. did you know Demi 
          Moore starred in the movie version of The Scarlet 
          Letter?" 
          Her phone BEEPS a third time: "She shows boob :-)" 
                        
          She SIGHS. 
                        
                        
         41 BACK TO ROBBIE 41 
                        
          Pleased with himself. The FEMALE TEACHER drones on in 
          the b.g. 
                        
          TEACHER (O.S.)
          While Hester is forced to wear a
          scarlet `A' as punishment for
          adultery, Reverend Dimmesdale's
          `A' is self-inflicted --
                        
          Robbie's PHONE BEEPS. A "NEW MESSAGE." Robbie smiles. 
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          43.
                        41 CONTINUED: 41
          ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN
                        
          The text: "Robbie: please stop. U r making me very
          uncomfortable."
                        
                        
          BACK TO SCENE 
                        
          Robbie stares at the screen, crestfallen.
                        
          TEACHER (O.S.)
          Mr. Weaver? Are we interrupting? 
                        
          Robbie looks up: the WHOLE CLASS is staring at him. 
                        
          TEACHER (O.S.)
          Mr. Weaver!
                        
          Slowly, Robbie stands. We HEAD IN TIGHT ON him.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          You want to talk about The Scarlet
          Letter, Mrs. Thompson? Here you
          go: the `A' they're both wearing
          -- I think it stands for ASSHOLE.
          Wanna know why? Because they're
          in love, and love is for stupid
          ASSHOLES. So thanks for choosing
          this book, Mrs. Thompson, because
          this is what I need right now: to 
          read a boring, confusing book
          about a bunch of stupid assholes
          who fell in love, like assholes,
          and then had to die, like
          assholes. I'm sorry for cursing.
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         42 INT. TRACY'S OFFICE - LATER 42 
                        
          Tracy works at her desk. A KNOCK at her door interrupts. 
          A TALL MAN (40's) stands there: DAVID JACOBOWITZ. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          You have a second? 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Oh, David. I'm just a little 
          swamped right now so... 
                        
          He closes the door behind him. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          You've been avoiding me. 
                         (CONTINUED)
          44.
                        42 CONTINUED: 42
                         TRACY 
          No, I haven't. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          You ran away in the other 
          direction when you saw me coming 
          down the hall yesterday. 
                         (BEAT) 
          You're very fast by the way. 
                        
          She SIGHS, gives up. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          I ran track in high school. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          That must be it. 
                        
          He turns serious. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          I'm sorry about you and Cal. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Thank you. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          I'm also not sorry, if I'm being 
          completely honest. 
                         (GATHERING HIMSELF) 
          I want to make sure you know how 
          much I like you. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          No, I do -- 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          A lot. Just to clarify. I like 
          you a lot. I had no intention of 
          falling for a married woman. I 
          just wanted someone to go to lunch 
          with who didn't make me want to 
          shoot myself in the face. But we 
          started having lunch, and talking, 
          and suddenly I was an accountant 
          who was popping out of bed in the 
          morning, excited to get to work. 
          That doesn't happen to 
          accountants. Ever. I've checked 
          with other accountants. 
                        
          She smiles. 
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          45.
                        42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          So when the time is right for you 
          to get back out there again, 
          officially, I just... I'd like to 
          throw my hat in the ring. 
          Officially. That sounded weird. 
                        
          Tracy LAUGHS lightly, leans forward. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          David, you've been a great friend 
          to me. And you were the first man 
          in a very long time to make me 
          feel... noticed, I guess? What 
          happened between us that night... 
          it meant something to me. You 
          weren't the only one excited to 
          come to work lately. 
                        
          David smiles. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          But now, when I see you, all I see 
          is his face. All I see when I 
          look at you is what I did to my 
          marriage. 
                        
          She's losing it, wipes her eyes. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          You see this? I'm saving you from 
          disaster, David, `cause you're 
          asking to pre-board the Titanic. 
          Honestly, do you really want any 
          part of this? 
          Before he can answer... BUZZ! It's Tracy's phone. 
                        
          ASSISTANT (V.O.) 
          Your son's school on two. 
                        
          Tracy quickly picks up phone. As she talks, David 
          scribbles something on a postcard, EXITS. 
                        
                         TRACY 
                         (INTO PHONE) 
          Right, okay. No, I understand. 
          Of course, right away. 
                        
          She HANGS UP, looks at the Post-It. It reads, simply: 
                        
          "Yes." Tracy looks up, but David is gone. 
          46.
                        
                        
         43 INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - LATER 43
                        
          Robbie sits, waiting. Tracy EMERGES. 
                        
                         TRACY
          (calling back in)
          Yes, of course. Absolutely,
          Principal Sapienza, it won't
          happen again.
                        
          She closes the door behind her, looks to Robbie.
                        
                         TRACY
          Seriously?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Sorry.
                        
          She SIGHS.
                        
                         TRACY
          It's been a rough couple of weeks,
          you deserve a freebie. C'mon, I
          have to get back to work.
                        
          They walk out together.
                        
                         TRACY
          They still make kids read The
          Scarlet Letter, huh?
                        
          Robbie NODS.
                        
                         TRACY
          You'd really think someone would
          have written something better by
          now.
                        
          Robbie LAUGHS, the tension broken a bit.
                        
                        
         44 INT. TRACY'S OFFICE - LATER 44
                        
          Robbie wheels around in an office chair as Tracy tries to 
          work behind her desk. He stops, noticing a PHOTO. 
                        
          It's an older picture of CAL AND TRACY. They look happy. 
          Very much in love. Tracy notices.
                        
                         TRACY
          Guess I should take it down, huh?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I guess.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          47.
                        44 CONTINUED: 44
          Tracy NODS. She places the picture face down gently. 
          She tries to return to her work, but can't. 
                        
                         TRACY
          How is he? I've spoken to him but
          only about bills, or you kids,
          but... how is he, really?
                        
          Robbie hesitates.
                        
                         TRACY
          Sorry, that's unfair. Ignore me,
          I'm almost done here.
                        
          She turns back to her work. After a beat:
                        
                         ROBBIE
          He's dressing a lot better. Going
          out a lot.
                        
                         TRACY
          Oh. Well, good. That's... really
          good.
          (then, covering)
          We'll get take-out for dinner
          tonight, okay? Think about what
          you're in the mood for.
                        
          Robbie hesitates, then adds:
                        
                         ROBBIE
          He's sad. He looks better, but...
          sadder, too, I think. You know?
                         
                         TRACY
          Yeah. I guess I'm pretty sad,
          too.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I know.
                        
                         TRACY 
          You do? 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          I heard you crying the other night 
          and... I didn't know what to do. 
          I'm thirteen years old and... can 
          you just tell me what I'm supposed 
          to do in that situation? I didn't 
          want to Google it. 
                        
          She smiles, shakes her head. 
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          48.
                        44 CONTINUED: (2) 44
                         TRACY 
          Oh God, baby, you're so much like 
          me it's scary. You wound up with 
          all my stuff, Robbie. I'm so 
          sorry. 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          I'm okay with being like you, Mom. 
          I like you. 
                        
          She puts down her pen. Smiles sadly at Robbie.
                        
                         TRACY
          It's my fault, what happened with 
          your father. It's grown-up stuff 
          that I can't talk about but...
          it's my fault. Not his. So
          just... be good to him, okay?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          It'll be okay, Mom.
                        
                         TRACY
                         (EMOTIONAL)
          You promise?
                        
          He NODS, the most soulful thirteen-year-old ever.
                        
          DAVID JACOBOWITZ (O.S.) 
          Hey, they need you in the
          conference room for a sec... oh,
          sorry.
                        
          They look up. It's David. Tracy gathers herself, 
          stands.
                        
                         TRACY
          David, this is my son, Robbie.
          Robbie, this is David.
                         (FORCED)
          We work together.
                        
          Robbie takes him in, shakes his hand.
                        
                         TRACY
          I'll be right back, okay, honey?
                         ROBBIE DAVID
          Okay. Okay.
                        
          Awkward. Really awkward. Tracy starts to say something,
          thinks better of it, and EXITS.
                        
          David moves into the room, sits down opposite Robbie.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          49.
                        44 CONTINUED: (3) 44
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ
          So, Robbie... I hear you're quite
          the soccer player.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          So, David... I hear you broke up
          my parents' marriage.
                        
          He LAUGHS awkwardly, shocked.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          You are David Jacobowitz, right?
          From accounting?
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ
          Um, yes I am --
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Here's the thing, David: in the
          end, she winds up back with my
          dad. He's better than you, in
          every category except probably 
          math. And she still loves him. 
                        
          Robbie props the PHOTO of Tracy and Cal back up. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ
          Listen, Robbie --
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Now I know what you're thinking:
          `he's just in 8th grade, what does
          he know about love?' I know a lot
          more than you think, David. Just
          today, I had a meltdown, almost
          gave up on the love of my life.
          My dad's having his meltdown now, 
          but long-term? He won't stop
          fighting for my mom any more than
          I won't stop sending Jessica texts
          that make her uncomfortable. And
          you need to know that.
                        
          Tracy RE-ENTERS.
                        
                         TRACY
          You ready to go?
                        
                         ROBBIE
                         (SUDDENLY SWEET) 
          Mommy, can we do Chinese for 
          dinner tonight? 
                         
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          50.
                        44 CONTINUED: (4) 44
          Tracy waves to David as she and Robbie EXIT, leaving him 
          stunned in the middle of her office, staring at: 
                        
          THE PHOTO OF CAL AND TRACY that Robbie has left directly
          in his line of sight.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         45 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - LATE EVENING 45 
                        
          Bushes rustle. Once, then twice. It's Cal, sneaking 
          into the backyard. He takes a covert look inside the 
          house. All is quiet. He gets to work. 
                        
          -- He spreads FERTILIZER on the grass. 
                        
          -- Trims some bushes. 
                        
          -- Picks off some petals from some dying flowers. 
                        
          It's the strangest goddamn thing you've ever seen. 
          Finally, he finishes. 
                        
                        
                         ON CAL 
                        
          Content. His yard may not be his anymore, but it's back 
          in order. As he takes it all in... 
                        
          A LIGHT pops on. 
                        
          Cal DIVES into a SHRUB. 
                        
         46 INT. BAR - THAT NIGHT 46
          Another night at the bar: Cal's in his position, Jacob
          in his. Cal sips his drink, staring aimlessly forward.
                        
          Jacob looks at Cal. Cal looks great, more comfortable in
          his new "skin" than when we left him. He's drinking a
          martini, rather than a red-strawed vodka cranberry.
                        
          A WAITRESS passes. Without speaking, Cal taps the rim of
          the glass, silently requesting a refill. It's a cool,
          practiced move... and he did it instinctively.
                        
          Jacob smiles, leans forward.
                        
                         JACOB
          I think you're ready, Cal.
                        
                         CAL
          For what?
                         (CONTINUED)
          51.
                        46 CONTINUED: 46
                         JACOB
          To talk to a woman, take a woman
          home.
                        
                         CAL
          Oh, no. No, I'm not.
                        
                         JACOB
          You've been watching me do it for
          two weeks.
                        
                         CAL
          Yeah, well, I've been watching
          LeBron James for years, doesn't
          mean I can suddenly dunk a
          basketball.
                        
                         JACOB
          Cal, do you remember the part in
          Karate Kid, where Mr. Miagi keeps
          having the kid wax the car and the 
          kid gets all bent out of shape
          because he doesn't see the point,
          but the movements were actually 
          building blocks for throwing and
          blocking punches?
                         
                         CAL
          Oh God. Are you going to make me
          fight someone?
                        
          Jacob stretches his neck, trying his patience:
                        
                         JACOB
          Cal, what's the first thing I do
          when a woman sits down?
                        
                         CAL
          You ask if you can buy her a
          drink.
                        
                         JACOB
          And what if she says no?
                        
                         CAL
          You order her a drink anyway, let
          it sit there.
                         
                         JACOB
          When she asks me a question about
          myself?
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          52.
                        46 CONTINUED: (2) 46
                         CAL
          You deflect it back to her. You
          never answer questions about
          yourself.
                        
                         JACOB
          And what happens?
                        
                         CAL
          They talk about themselves. A
          lot.
                        
                         JACOB
          And what do I do?
                        
                         CAL
          You act really interested. You
          nod a lot.
                        
                         JACOB
          And at the end of the night?
                        
                         CAL
          You compliment them, then you ask
          if they'd like to come back to
          your place.
                        
                         JACOB
          Do I ask?
                        
                         CAL
          No. You confidently tell them
          you'd like them to come back to
          your place.
                         (THEN)
          Holy shit! You Mr. Miagi'd me!
                        
          Jacob BOWS to Cal, Japanese style. A PRETTY WOMAN stands
          near their table. Jacob stands, smiles.
                        
                         JACOB
          Oh, and no talking about your job, 
          your children, your pathetic
          sexual history, or David
          Jacobowitz. Okay, here we go...
                        
                         CAL
          What, no, I'm not ready for --
          (then, to woman)
          Hi!
                        
          Jacob has pulled her over. She's attractive, mid- 
          thirties.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          53.
                        46 CONTINUED: (3) 46
                         JACOB
          Cal, this is Kate. Kate, Cal.
                        
          Jacob NODS at Cal ("you've got this") and leaves them. 
          Kate SITS. Cal smiles at Kate, nervous. She smiles
          back. Cal MOTIONS for a waitress in the distance.
                        
                         CAL
          Can I buy you a drink, Kate?
                        
          KATE (PRETTY WOMAN) 
          Oh. No thank you.
                        
          Cal smiles, portrays confidence.
                        
                         CAL
          I'm buying you a drink anyway,
          Kate, so you might as well tell me
          what you want.
                         
                         KATE
          Really, thank you but it's okay. 
                        
                         CAL
          I'm guessing you're a vodka girl,
          am I right? Yeah? A nice dirty
          martini? No, no, no: a Grey
          Goose, rocks, extra lime? C'mon, 
          one drink! Picture those ice
          cubes clinking together. Mmmm.
          Can't you taste it?
                        
          She smiles.
                        
                         KATE
          Yes, I can but... I'm, uh, five
          years sober so...
                        
          Cal's face drops. The WAITRESS approaches.
                        
                         WAITRESS
          What can I get --
                        
                         CAL
          Nothing. We don't want anything.
          Don't come back here ever.
                        
          The Waitress leaves, confused. Kate looks around,
          uncomfortable. She tries small-talk.
                        
                         KATE
          So... what do you do, Cal?
                        
                         CAL
          What do you do, Kate?
                         (CONTINUED)
          54.
                        46 CONTINUED: (4) 46
                         KATE
          I asked you first.
                        
                         CAL
          I asked you second.
                        
          She LAUGHS lightly, thinks he's being funny.
                        
                         KATE
          Seriously, what do you do?
                        
                         CAL
          Seriously, what do you do?
                        
          Now it's getting a little weird.
                        
                         KATE
          I'm a teacher. Now, c'mon: what
          do you do?
                        
          Cal NODS, exaggerated.
                        
                         CAL
          Teacher. Interesting. I'm very
          interested in teaching.
                        
                         KATE
          I'm sorry, are you not going to
          tell me what you do?
                        
          He's still nodding, as if fascinated.
                        
                         CAL
          A teacher with an alcohol
          dependency no less, I bet that's
          actually more common than people
          realize...
                         
                         KATE
          I should get back to my friends -- 
                        
          Kate STANDS. Cal puts his face in his hands. 
                        
                         CAL
          I'm sorry! I'm supposed to
          deflect your questions... oh screw
          it: I'm in corporate insurance.
          And I have children. Plural.
          More than one. The only thing I
          have ONE of, is sexual partners,
          that would be the woman I recently
          separated from because she was
          cheating on me with David
          Jacobowitz who I wasn't supposed
          to tell you about either.
                         (CONTINUED)
          55.
                        46 CONTINUED: (5) 46
          Kate turns back, curious.
                        
                         KATE
          What were you supposed to tell me?
                        
                         CAL
          I don't know: that you're a
          perfect combination of sexy and
          cute -- it was something I said
          about my wife that's since been
          corrupted. But I'm tired, and I'm
          at least fifteen years older than
          you, and this sweater is called
          slim fitting but it's really just
          uncomfortable and itchy.
                        
                         KATE
          You think I'm a perfect
          combination of sexy and cute?
                        
          Cal looks up.
                        
                         CAL
          That's what you took away from
          that?
                        
          She smiles, sits back down.
                        
                         KATE
          Wow, an actual honest man. I
          don't know what to do with that.
          It's kind of... rare around here.
                         (THEN)
          It's nice, actually.
                        
                         CAL
          It is?
                        
                         KATE
          You have no idea. I'm kind of a
          magnet for these jerk-offs. They
          charm me, and I fall for it, and
          at some point they just... never
          call me again.
                        
                         CAL
                         (GENUINE)
          I don't understand. Look at you.
          Who wouldn't call you again?
          She looks up. It's not a line, it's a genuine
          compliment. She smiles warmly. Holy shit, Cal is in!
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          56.
                        46 CONTINUED: (6) 46
                         KATE
          So... what were you `supposed' to
          do next?
                        
                         CAL
          Well, eventually I'm `supposed' to
          ask you if you want to get out of
          here. Actually no, I'm supposed
          to tell you, confidently, that you
          should come home with me.
                        
                         KATE
          Why don't you give it a shot, see
          what happens?
                        
          Cal looks up, surprised. He clears his throat, then:
                        
                         CAL
          You're very pretty, Kate. And I
          can't tell if you're being
          serious, but I think you should
          come home with me.
                        
                         KATE
                         (PLAYFUL)
          Ask me again.
                        
          Cal smiles and leans forward, faux-confident. 
                        
                         CAL
          I'm not asking you, Kate. I'm
          telling you: you should come home
          with me.
                        
          Kate looks up, genuinely turned-on.
                        
          CUE MUSIC: "SEXYBACK" by Justin Timberlake.
                        
          SMASH CUT TO:
                        
         47 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - LATER 47
                        
          Cal and Kate BARGE in, passionately kissing. 
                        
                         CAL
          (gasping for breath)
          This is my dumpy apartment that I
          had to move into when I left my
          wife.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          57.
                        47 CONTINUED: 47
                         KATE
                         (TURNED ON) 
          I love that you're being so
          honest. It's so different, so
          hot.
                        
                         CAL
          I've never been with a woman
          besides my ex-wife.
                        
                         KATE
          More, tell me more.
                        
                         CAL
          I'm worried you have AIDS.
                        
          She stops.
                        
                         CAL
          Only a little.
                        
          She pushes him down on the couch, takes her sweater off.
          She's wearing just a bra. She looks amazing.
                        
                         KATE 
          What do you want to do with me?
                        
                         CAL
          Show you off to my wife to make
          her jealous.
                        
          She GROWLS and dives on top of him as we launch: 
                        
         48 CAL WEAVER'S "SEXYBACK" MONTAGE (THE NEXT FEW WEEKS) 48
          -- The next morning a DISHEVELED CAL lets Kate out, gives
          her a big passionate kiss, and closes the DOOR.
                        
          -- We STAY ON the DOOR. After a beat, it opens up: as
          Cal bids farewell to a NEW GIRL on a new morning.
                        
                        
         49 AT THE BAR 49
                        
          Cal strides in -- a skip in his step, a perfectly
          tailored suit on his body. Everything's in SLOW MOTION.
          He points at someone, winks at a waitress...
                        
          A SAD SACK GUY at the bar watches Cal stride by, jealous. 
          Cal Weaver has evolved into "the fucking man." 
          58.
                        
                        
                        50 SNAPSHOTS 50
                        
                         MEANWHILE --
                        
          1) HANNAH studies late into the night for the bar. 2)
          JESSICA reads magazine articles on "How to Make Him
          Notice You." 3) TRACY eats ice cream in bed, alone. 4)
          ROBBIE drags mysterious wood planks into his backyard.
          But we're mainly with CAL...
                        
                        
         51 BACK TO CAL'S APARTMENT 51
                        
          A NEW WOMAN EXITS. The door closes. It re-opens as he 
          kisses goodbye ANOTHER WOMAN! 
                        
         52 BACK AT THE BAR -- CAL AND JACOB 52 
                        
          are mid-conversation. 
                         
                         JACOB 
          ... it would work! 
                        
                         CAL 
          You're out of your mind. 
                        
                         JACOB 
          What do college guys hate? Doing 
          laundry. What do they love? 
          Strippers. It's a strip club 
          where they can do their laundry. 
                        
                         CAL 
          It's ridiculous. 
                         JACOB 
          And yours isn't? A candy store 
          that only sells red candy. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Everyone loves the cherry. Look, 
          I'm not rejecting the psuedo- 
          cherry flavors like raspberry or 
          strawberry, anything in the -erry 
          family is allowed. But let's be 
          real here: no one wants the 
          lemon. No one likes the grape. 
                        
                         JACOB 
          I like grape. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Well then you can't come to my 
          store. 
                         (CONTINUED)
          59.
                        52 CONTINUED: 52
          They LAUGH, quickly becoming inseparable. 
                        
                        
         53 INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - EVENING 53
                        
          A late 40s couple eat dinner: BERNIE (the big guy who 
          "broke up" with Cal earlier) and CLAIRE, a bubbly little 
          woman -- the polar opposite of her husband. 
                         
                        
                         CLAIRE
          Oh, I almost forgot -- heard some
          good gossip at the nail salon. 
                        
                         BERNIE
          For God's sake, Claire.
                        
                         CLAIRE
                         (SING-SONGY)
          It's about Cal. 
                        
                         BERNIE
          Leave the poor bastard alone,
          would you? I gave him the cologne 
          like you told me to. We don't 
          have to dance on his grave.
                        
          VOICE (O.S.)
          What did you hear about Mr.
          Weaver, Mom?
                        
                        
          PULL BACK -- JESSICA (THE BABYSITTER) SITS AT THE NEARBY
          COUNTER, EATING NEXT TO HER LITTLE BROTHER (13). 
                         
                         CLAIRE
          Apparently, Mr. Weaver has become
          quite a man-about-town if you get
          my drift.
                        
                         JESSICA
          What?
                        
                         CLAIRE
          Lots of young women coming in and 
          out of his apartment lately.
                        
                         BERNIE
          Claire, would you cut it out?
                        
                         CLAIRE
          It's good for Jess to know. She
          still baby-sits for him after all.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          60.
                        53 CONTINUED: 53
                         BERNIE
          Oh, c'mon! Enough. 
                         
                         CLAIRE
          Well, it's good gossip at the
          least. Ooh, guess what else I
          heard...
                        
          As she CONTINUES CHATTERING in the b.g., we HOLD ON
          Jessica. Thinking. 
                        
                        
         54 INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY 54
                        
          Jessica waits at her LOCKER. She spots a TALL BLONDE
          GIRL moving down the hallway, texting as she walks.
                         
                         JESSICA
          Madison! Madison, wait!
                        
          Madison stops walking, but not texting.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Hey, I had a question --
                        
          Madison holds up a finger ("one second") and continues
          texting. Finally, she stops. Looks up. Smiles.
                        
                         MADISON
          Hey, Jessica, whassup?
                        
                         JESSICA
          I had a question for you, Madison.
          It's kind of on the personal side
          so... 
                        
                         MADISON
          My lips are...
                        
          Madison extends her arms, begins clapping and making
          WEIRD NOISES. Jessica stares at her blankly.
                        
                         MADISON
                         (EXPLAINING)
          Seals.
                         (THEN)
          My lips are seals.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Oh, okay. So, Madison, here's the
          thing... I don't mean to be blunt
          or insulting but, let's call it
          what it is: you're always
          sleeping with older guys, right?
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          61.
                        54 CONTINUED: 54
                         MADISON
                         (NODDING)
          Always.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Lots of college guys, I've heard.
                        
                         MADISON
          Lots of them.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Even rumors about a few teachers.
                        
                         MADISON
          Totally.
                        
                         JESSICA
          So my question is: how do you do
          that? I mean, how do you get them
          not to see you as... well, a kid
          in high school?
                        
                         MADISON
          Oh, well first off, I have a huge 
          rack. 
                        
                         JESSICA
          You do, yes.
                        
                         MADISON
          So that helps.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Yes, I'm sure it does.
                        
                         MADISON
          You don't have a huge rack. 
                        
                         JESSICA
          No, I don't unfortunately.
                        
                         MADISON
          So that's not gonna work.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Nope.
                        
          Madison SIGHS.
                        
                         MADISON
          Okay, here's what you do. Wait,
          how old is he?
                        
                         JESSICA
          Old.
                         (CONTINUED)
          62.
                        54 CONTINUED: (2) 54
                         MADISON
          Like really old?
                        
                         JESSICA
          Like parent old.
                        
                         MADISON
          Nasty. Rock on, Jessica.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Thank you, Madison.
                        
                         MADISON
          Alright, you have to hook him.
          Force his hand. Make him unable
          to stop himself from doing what he
          knows to be wrong.
                        
                         JESSICA
          How?
                        
                         MADISON
          Do what I do. Send him a postcard 
          from downtown. 
                        
                         JESSICA
          Huh? 
                        
                         MADISON
          Go TMZ on his ass. 
                        
                         JESSICA
          I'm not following you, Madis-- 
                        
                         MADISON 
          The full gyno. 
                        
          Off Jessica's blank look. 
                        
                         MADISON 
          A crotch shot? A nip slip? 
                         (THEN) 
          A dirty picture! You can even 
          Annie Leibowitz it. Tasteful but 
          with nipple. Yeah, that's what 
          you should do: make it artistic. 
          Black and white. Make this face. 
                        
          She makes a raw sexual face. 
                        
                         JESSICA 
          Jesus, Madison! 
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          63.
                        54 CONTINUED: (3) 54
                         MADISON
          Well, you came to me for advice,
          that's my advice. You put those
          across his radar, he won't see you
          as a little girl anymore, that's
          for sure.
                        
          Madison walks off, calls back.
                        
                         MADISON
          Don't send it to him as a jpeg,
          though. He'll put it up on his
          fantasy football web-site. And 
          then your brother sees it, tells 
          your mom, and suddenly you're not 
          allowed to use Facebook for a 
          month. Thanks, Kevin! 
                        
          She leaves Jessica there, processing the advice. 
                        
         55 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER THAT DAY 55
                        
          Jessica EXITS the school, lost in thought. There's a bit
          of commotion outside. TEENAGERS are pointing and
          LAUGHING at something.
                        
          Jessica pushes through and sees: 
                        
          ROBBIE, standing atop a man-made, tall, wooden 
          platform/scaffold in front of the school.
                         
                         ROBBIE
                         (DRAMATICALLY)
          There she is!
                        
                         ON JESSICA
                        
          Oh shit.
                        
                        
          BACK TO ROBBIE
                        
          as he RIPS OPEN his button-up shirt, revealing a SCARLET 
          J taped to his pale, hairless chest. He has recreated
          the famous Scarlet Letter tableau. He pulls out a piece
          of paper, reads it.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          64.
                        55 CONTINUED: 55
                         ROBBIE
          Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote in The
          Scarlet Letter: `No man for any
          considerable period can wear one
          face to himself and another to the
          multitude, without finally getting
          bewildered as to which may be the
          true.'
                        
          Robbie puts down the paper, ignoring the jeers.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I am not bewildered! Jessica
          Riley is my soulmate. She's the 
          one! I know it to be true, and so 
          now do the multitude.
                         (CORRECTING HIMSELF) 
          Multitudes?
          (then, deciding)
          No, multitude.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Robbie, get down!
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I have marked myself with this
          Scarlet J, Jessica! For you.
          Because your name starts with a J.
          It's just tape and construction
          paper but one day I will get a
          permanent tattoo when I'm old
          enough that my parents won't freak
          out on me.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Robbie Weaver! I am your baby-
          sitter and I'm telling you to GET
          YOUR ASS DOWN FROM THERE NOW!
                        
          That does the trick. He gets down to mocking APPLAUSE.
          Jessica pulls him off to the side.
                        
                         JESSICA
                         (HEATED WHISPER)
          What the hell are you thinking?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          You like the scaffold? It has
          wheels. Took four weeks to build
          it.
                         (THEN)
          Oh, those are my friends, they
          helped me wheel it down. Wave
          hello.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          65.
                        55 CONTINUED: (2) 55
          OFF TO THE SIDE: Three excited THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLDS WAVE
          and give THUMBS-UPS to Robbie. Jessica waves, confused,
          turns back to Robbie.
                        
                         JESSICA
          This has to stop, Robbie.
          Seriously.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          You'll learn to love me. I
          promise.
                        
                         JESSICA
          I won't.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Just because I'm four years
          younger than you?
                        
                         JESSICA
          BECAUSE I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!!!
                        
          This stops Robbie dead in his tracks.
                        
                         JESSICA
          I've been spending time with him
          for a while.
                        
          Robbie stumbles, less sure-footed than usual.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          No. You can't. I've checked. No
          boyfriend since ninth grade. No
          date for Spring Formal last
                         MONTH --
                        
                         JESSICA
          He's older. I don't want my
          parents to know.
                        
          And with that, Robbie literally just sits down on the
          ground, all the wind taken out of him. It might be the
          cutest thing you've ever seen.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Who is he?
                        
                         JESSICA
          It doesn't matter.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Do I know him? Is he from town?
                        
                         JESSICA
          I don't know. Yes, kind of.
                         (CONTINUED)
          66.
                        55 CONTINUED: (3) 55
                         ROBBIE
          I'll kill him if he hurts you.
                        
          Jessica tries not to smile.
                        
                         JESSICA
          I know. But this all has to stop
          now, Robbie. The speeches, the
          texts, all of it. It's very
          sweet, but it has to stop.
                        
          He just sits there, lost.
                        
                         JESSICA
          I'll see you around, okay?
                        
          She EXITS. Robbie remains seated on the grass.
          Devastated. His three friends approach.
                         
                         ROBBIE'S FRIEND
          We should probably get the
          scaffold back on the road before
          dark.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Yeah.
                        
         56 INT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (NEXT DAY) 56
                        
          Robbie's on the couch, dejected. His little sister sits 
          next to him, watching High School Musical as always.
                        
          In the adjoining kitchen, Cal is on the phone.
                        
                         CAL
                         (INTO PHONE)
          Hey, Nanna! I know, it's been
          forever. Have you been getting
          out at all? I'll bring you some
          of that deli you like one night,
          okay? The kids? They're fine.
          (to other room)
          Kids, say hi to Nanna.
                        
          ROBBIE AND MOLLY
          Hi, Nanna!
                        
                         CAL
          Oh, I've been keeping busy. Made 
          a new buddy, I've been spending
          time with him. Yeah, I'm going to 
          see her tomorrow night. Of course 
          I miss her. You don't know how
          much I miss...
                         (CONTINUED)
          67.
                        56 CONTINUED: 56
          His voice cracks. He turns, sees Robbie staring. He
          heads into the bathroom with the phone, closes the door.
                        
          Robbie SIGHS, turns back to the TV.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         57 EXT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY 57
                        
          Cal and Robbie are having a catch. Robbie is listless. 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          So you're seeing Mom tomorrow,
          huh? At my parent-teacher thing?
                        
                         CAL
          Yeah.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          First time in a while.
                        
                         CAL
          Yeah, but no biggie.
                        
          Cal tosses him back the ball.
                        
                         CAL
          Hey, what's with the moping?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Nothing. It's just... there's 
          this girl.
                        
          Cal smiles.
                        
                         CAL
          Oh yeah? You like her?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I like Pringles. This girl's my 
          soulmate. I'm like crazy, stupid, 
          in love with her. And she wants 
          someone else.
                        
                         CAL
          But she's your soulmate?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Yeah.
                        
                         CAL
          Well you can't just give up.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          68.
                        57 CONTINUED: 57
                         ROBBIE
          Why not?
          (then, quietly)
          You did.
                        
          Cal freezes. 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          Mom was yours, right? 
                        
                         CAL
          I didn't give up.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Listen, Dad. I love you. I have
          your back, always. But let's be
          honest here: the woman told you
          she wanted a divorce and you
          jumped out of a car.
                        
                         CAL
          It was slightly more complicated
          than that. And I'm a different
          guy now.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          You're the same guy. You just
          have different clothes. Do you 
          still love her?
                        
                         CAL
          How old ARE you?
                        
                         ROBBIE
                         (STRONGLY)
          Do you still love Mom?
                        
          Cal doesn't say anything. His silence speaks volumes.
                        
                         CAL
          Weren't we talking about you? 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          We are. Your son is in desperate
          need of some romantic inspiration.
          So set an example for your boy. 
          Don't give up. It's complicated?
          Uncomplicate it. She says no?
          Change her mind. Look at you,
          you're the man right now, Dad.
          Get her back.
                         (DRAMATICALLY)
          Get back my mom.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          69.
                        57 CONTINUED: (2) 57
          Robbie punctuates his pep talk by tossing Cal the ball,
          hard.
                        
          Cal is lost in thought. The ball sails past him and
          THROUGH THE WINDOW of a nearby car.
                        
                        
         58 EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEXT NIGHT 58
                        
          PARENTS walk hand-in-hand, into the school. It's Parent- 
          Teacher conference night. 
                        
                        
         59 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEXT NIGHT 59 
                        
          Cal sits on a small chair outside a classroom. Tracy 
          approaches. 
                        
          TRACY (O.S.)
          Wow.
                        
          Cal looks up. Tracy stands there. She's dressed down,
          but looks amazing. Vulnerable and nervous.
                         
                         TRACY
                         (FLOORED)
          You look great, Cal.
                        
                         CAL
          Oh, well turns out I've been
          buying the wrong size suit for
          twenty years so...
                        
                         TRACY
          Well you look great. Really.
                        
          Cal smiles.
                        
                         CAL
          Thank you.
                         (THEN)
          You always look great, so...
                        
          Awkward. Neither knows what to say now. Tracy takes the 
          seat next to him. 
                        
                         CAL
          I talked to Nanna yesterday.
                        
                         TRACY
          Me, too. She sound okay to you? 
                        
                         CAL 
          She sounded like... Nanna. She 
          worries about us. 
                         (CONTINUED)
          70.
                        59 CONTINUED: 59
                         
          Tracy NODS. A long beat, then: 
                        
                         CAL
          I feel like I'm about to get
          detention.
                        
          Tracy LAUGHS, tension broken a bit.
                        
                         CAL
          Which teacher is this?
                        
                         TRACY
          Mrs. Thompson. This is the one
          he pulled The Scarlet Letter
          Asshole routine on.
                        
          Cal smiles.
                        
                         CAL
          He's a really weird kid, isn't he?
                        
                         TRACY
          Yeah.
                         (THEN)
          I kind of like him, though.
                        
                         CAL
          I do, too. I'm so glad we
          switched the babies at the
          hospital.
                        
                         TRACY
          Me, too.
                        
          They LAUGH. God, these two are great together when
          they're in rhythm. The laughter trickles away.
                        
          An awkward beat, then:
                        
                         CAL
          So, how are things with...
          (a beat, then)
          How's it going with David? 
                        
          She looks down. 
                        
                         TRACY
          Oh... it's not. 
                         (THEN) 
          It wasn't about him, if that means 
          anything. 
                         
                         CAL
          No, I know.
                         (CONTINUED)
          71.
                        59 CONTINUED: (2) 59
          Cal looks at his watch, a nervous gesture.
                        
                         TRACY
          You seeing anyone?
                        
                         CAL
          Who, me? No. You know me. No,
          not really.
                        
                         TRACY
          Oh. Because you hear things, you
          know.
                        
                         CAL
          Yeah, well...
                        
          Another long beat of silence. Cal gathers himself, takes
          a breath, and turns toward Tracy.
                        
                         CAL
          I miss you, T.
                        
          Tracy looks up surprised.
                        
                         CAL
          I got complacent, I think. You
          find your soulmate in high 
          school... you've got the game 
          sewed up in the first quarter, you
          know?
                        
          She smiles.
                        
                         CAL
          I put in an effort when we were
          younger, didn't I? I'd do
          anything to make you happy: take
          you miniature golfing, dancing --
          you were such a good dancer.
                        
                         TRACY
          I had to be. You were such a good
          miniature golfer.
                        
          He smiles, emboldened.
                        
                         CAL
          All I ever wanted to do was make
          you love me. And then you did,
          really early on. And we got
          married so young. And I guess...
          I got lazy. I got boring. And
          I'm furious at you for what you
          did. But I don't totally blame
          you, if that makes any sense?
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
          72.
                        59 CONTINUED: (3) 59
                         CAL (CONT'D)
                         (THEN)
          I shouldn't have jumped out of the
          car. I should have fought for
          you. You fight for your soulmate.
          At least that's what our thirteen-
          year-old tells me.
                        
          Tracy's eyes well up with tears.
                        
                         TRACY
          He's a very strange boy, isn't he?
                        
                         CAL
          I'll be honest: he scares the
          shit out of me.
                        
          She LAUGHS through her tears.
                        
                         TRACY
          I missed you, too.
                        
          Cal takes her hand, kisses it.
                        
          VOICE (O.S.)
          Mr. and Mrs. Weaver?
                        
          They turn around.
                        
                        
                         AT DOORWAY
                        
          It's Robbie's English teacher, Mrs. Thompson... better
          known to us as:
                        
          KATE (the teacher from the bar who Cal slept with).
                        
          Cal freezes, his lips on Tracy's hand.
                        
                         CAL
          Oh God. 
                        
                         KATE
          Cal? What are you doing here?
                        
                         CAL
          (looking to the sky)
          Really?
                        
                         TRACY
          You two know each other?
                        
                         CAL
          Um, yes... we've met before.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          73.
                        59 CONTINUED: (4) 59
                         KATE
          We've met before? Seriously?
                         
                         CAL
          Mrs. Thompson? This is my wife.
          Tracy.
                        
                         KATE
          Oh, so now she's your WIFE again?
          HOW CONVENIENT!
                        
          Kate's getting louder now.
                        
                         CAL
          Why don't we head inside?
                        
                         KATE
          YES, WHY DON'T WE!?
                        
          She STORMS INSIDE. Tracy looks at Cal, follows her in.
                        
         60 INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 60
                        
          Kate PACES in front of the classroom.
                        
                         TRACY
          I'm sorry, I'm playing catch-up:
          how do you two know each other?
                        
                         KATE
          Maybe your husband should tell
          you.
                        
          Cal hesitates.
                         CAL
          We have a mutual friend.
                        
                         KATE
          Ha!
                         
                         CAL
          You know, maybe we should focus on
          Robbie?
                        
                         KATE
          Yes, let's do that. Let's focus
          on Robbie.
                        
          Kate goes to her blackboard.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          74.
                        60 CONTINUED: 60
                         KATE
          As you know, Robbie's shining
          moment this year was when he set a
          school record for cursing in an
          eighth grade English class.
                        
          She writes on the board: ASSHOLE. She underlines it. 
                        
                         KATE
          Asshole. Are you familiar with
          this word, Mrs. Weaver?
                        
                         CAL
          She's heard it, yes. So in terms
          of Robbie's progress --
                        
                         KATE
          Asshole: as in, someone who tells
          a woman that he'll call, and never
          does.
                        
                         CAL
          We were a little concerned about
          Robbie's grade on his oral book
                         REPORT --
                        
                         KATE
          Asshole: as in, someone who uses
          `honesty' to get a woman into bed
          with him, but is actually full of
          shit like the rest of them.
                        
                         CAL
          Because usually he's a very strong
          public speaker --
                        
                         KATE
          Asshole: as in, someone who
          allows a woman to go down on him
          for forty-five minutes because
          he's `nervous' --
                        
                         CAL
          OKAY! ENOUGH!!!
                        
          Kate stops. Cal turns to Tracy. She looks crestfallen.
                        
                         CAL
          I can explain.
                        
          Tracy rushes out of the room. Cal calls after her.
                        
                         CAL
          She's an alcoholic! You can't
          trust what she says!
                         (CONTINUED)
          75.
                        60 CONTINUED: (2) 60
          KATE SCREAMS in horror. Cal races after Tracy. Kate
          races after Cal.
                        
                        
         61 INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 61
                        
          A three-way chase:
                        
                         CAL
          Tracy, wait!
                        
                         TRACY
          Leave me alone, Cal!
                        
                         KATE
          I'm sober for FIVE YEARS, you
          ASSHOLE!
                        
                        
                         ON SPECTATORS
                        
          TEACHERS and PARENTS (including Jessica's parents),
          stepping out into the hallway and following them outside.
                        
         62 EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 62
                        
          Tracy races to her car.
                        
                         CAL
          Tracy, c'mon! We were separated.
                        
                         TRACY
          (fumbling for keys)
          I know, and I cheated, so it
          doesn't make any sense for me to
          be mad at you.
                        
                         CAL
          Okay, so --
                        
                         TRACY
          I can't do this now, Cal.
                        
                         CAL
          Tracy, I love you.
                        
                         KATE
          Tell her she's the perfect
          combination of sexy and cute,
          ASSHOLE!
                        
          Tracy looks at Cal, stunned. That's their thing.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          76.
                        62 CONTINUED: 62
                         CAL 
          It's a funny story, actually --
                        
                         TRACY
          I'm going home.
                        
          She opens the car door.
                        
                         CAL
          Tracy, wait! Yes, I slept with
          her! I slept with our son's
          eighth grade teacher!
                        
          GASPS from the crowd. Claire (Jessica's Mom) takes a
          picture with her cell phone.
                        
                         CAL
          But all it did was confirm what I
          already knew: THAT I LOVE, YOU!
          I LOVE YOU!!!
          Tracy hesitates. Cal seizes the moment.
                        
                         CAL
          Before, you were the only woman
          I'd ever been with or wanted to be
          with. And now, even after I've
          been with eleven women, you're
          STILL...
                        
          He instantly trails off, realizing. MORE GASPS.
                        
                         CAL
                         (MEEKLY COMPLETING)
          ... the only woman I want to be
          with.
                         TRACY
          I don't even know who you are.
                        
          Tracy gets in her car and speeds off.
                        
                         CAL
          (weakly, to himself)
          I'm your soulmate.
                        
          Cal turns around to the crowd, only to be met... 
                        
          By a SLAP ACROSS the face by Kate. She STORMS OFF. 
                        
                         CAL
          HE DESERVED AN `A' ON THAT BOOK
          REPORT AND YOU KNOW IT!
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          77.
                        62 CONTINUED: (2) 62
          THUNDER CRACKS in the sky. It begins to pour. Cal
          stands there, soaked. He looks up at the sky.
                        
                         CAL
          REALLY!!!???
                        
                        
         63 EXT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY 63
                        
          Meanwhile, the rain pours down as DINERS scurry into the 
          restaurant.
                        
                        
         64 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 64
                        
          We've been here before... the same group of BORING PEOPLE
          at the same table. Liz and Hannah CHAT off to the side.
                        
          There's a cake on the table that says "CONGRATS HANNAH!"
                        
          Richard stands on a chair.
                        
                         RICHARD
          Excuse me, everyone. Everyone!?
                        
          The room goes quiet.
                        
                         RICHARD
          Now, if we could get our guest of
          honor over here... I forget what
          she looks like, anyone remember? 
                        
          POLITE LAUGHS. Liz GAGS herself with her finger, looks
          at Hannah. Hannah takes a deep breath, downs her drink,
          and walks over to Richard. Is this it?
                        
                         RICHARD
          I'm so proud of you, baby. I had
          my doubts, of course...
                        
          More CHEESY LAUGHTER.
                        
                         RICHARD
          Now I did tell you that it'd be a
          special night when you passed the
          bar. And I'm a lawyer so you know
          I never lie...
                        
          More HECKLING from the crowd. Liz desperately orders
          another drink, barely able to take it.
                        
                         RICHARD
          So, Hannah, I'd like to formally
          ask you, in front of all our
          friends and colleagues...
                         (CONTINUED)
          78.
                        64 CONTINUED: 64
          Hannah waits, frozen.
                        
                         RICHARD
          ... if you'd like to become a
          permanent lawyer at the firm of
          Watkins, Goldberg, and Schmidt!?
                        
          CHEERS. Hannah steps back, breathless. Richard reacts.
                        
                         RICHARD
          You don't have a better offer
          already, do you?
                        
          Everyone LAUGHS.
                        
                         HANNAH
          No, that's great. I just...
          (then, privately)
          I'm sorry, I thought... I thought
          you were about to propose.
                        
          The room goes quiet, trying to hear.
                        
                         RICHARD
          What?
                        
                         HANNAH
          No, I just... it's fine. I'm
          sorry, I just got thrown is all.
                        
          Richard pulls Hannah off to the side.
                        
                         RICHARD
          Honey, I'm so sorry, I didn't
          realize.
                        
                         HANNAH
          No, no, don't be silly, it's fine.
                         
                         RICHARD
          It's definitely a possibility,
          down the road. I think I just
          need a little more time. I'm
          still figuring out how I feel
          about us, you know: long-term.
                        
                         HANNAH
          No, I know...
                         (THEN)
          Wait -- you're figuring out how
          you feel about us?
          She LAUGHS. Once. Then twice. Loudly. Everyone's now
          watching. Liz gets a good seat, excited.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          79.
                        64 CONTINUED: (2) 64
                         RICHARD
          Honey?
                        
          She's really laughing now.
                        
                         HANNAH
          You know what the best part is: I
          would have said yes! To YOU! And
          I didn't even want you to propose!
          Just now, I swear to God: I was
          hoping you wouldn't propose. And
          I still would have said YES!
          That's how pathetic I am!
                        
          She snags someone else's drink from the table, DOWNS IT.
          She grabs Richard's cheeks.
                        
                         HANNAH
          I will consider your job offer,
          thank you so much, Richard.
                        
          Hysterically LAUGHING, she walks away. As she passes,
          Liz sticks out her hand and they slap five.
                        
         65 INT. BAR 65
                        
          Meanwhile, Jacob sits alone in the bar. He checks his
          watch. No Cal.
                        
          Suddenly, he looks very alone at his usual table.
                        
          He shakes it off, stands, and approaches the table of a
          group of nearby WOMEN.
                        
          ON THE WOMEN
                        
          One of them is telling a story:
                        
                         WOMAN
          And you know what she said?
                        
          JACOB (O.S.)
          What? What did she say?
                        
          The women look up.
                        
                        
                         ON JACOB
                        
          Standing there, in all his glory. He flashes his coolest
          smile. They melt. We've seen this before.
                         
          SLAM! The door to the bar busts open, revealing:
                         (CONTINUED)
          80.
                        65 CONTINUED: 65
          HANNAH.
                        
          She's dripping wet from the rain, looking almost wild.
                        
          She scans the room, quickly, searching for...
                        
          JACOB.
                        
          She spots him, marches straight to him.
                        
          For the first time, he looks like a deer in the 
          headlights.
                        
          She grabs him. Kisses him. A long, deep, almost angry
          kiss. She pulls back.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Do you remember me?
                        
                         JACOB
          Yes.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Do you still think I'm attractive?
                        
                         JACOB
          Yes.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Do you still want to take me home?
                        
                         JACOB
          Yes.
                        
          Hannah NODS, takes his hand.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Let's go.
                        
          She leads him out of the bar. We STAY WITH the WOMEN
          Jacob had just been introducing himself to.
                        
                         WOMAN #1
          Slut.
                         
         66 INT. JACOB'S APARTMENT - LATER 66
                        
          We haven't been here yet. It's exactly what you'd expect
          though: an elegant bachelor-pad. Modern furniture.
          Sleek. Everything just right. Jacob puts an album on 
          his record player.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          81.
                        66 CONTINUED: 66
                         HANNAH
          This place looks like something
          out of a men's magazine.
                        
                         JACOB
          Is that a compliment?
                        
                         HANNAH
          I'm not sure.
                        
          Music starts playing: "As Tears Go By" by the Stones.
                        
                         HANNAH
          I like this song.
                        
                         JACOB
          I thought you would.
                         (THEN)
          Drink?
                        
                         HANNAH
          Yes, please.
                        
          Jacob pours two nice glasses of SCOTCH, neat. Brings
          them (and the bottle) over towards the couch.
                        
          He pats the couch. Hannah nods, walks over, sits down.
                        
                         JACOB
          Cheers.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Cheers.
                        
          They CLINK. Jacob takes a sip. Hannah downs hers. She 
          holds out her glass for a refill.
                        
          Jacob raises a brow, pours her another. This time she
          HOLDS HER NOSE as she downs it. As soon as she finishes
          choking...
                        
                         HANNAH
          So is this how it normally works?
                        
                         JACOB
          What?
                        
                         HANNAH
          How you woo a woman? You take
          them back to your granite-
          countered bachelor pad, put on the
          perfect song, and make them a
          drink?
                         
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          82.
                        66 CONTINUED: (2) 66
                         JACOB
          Yes. That's how it normally
          works.
                        
          Hannah NODS, grabs the bottle, takes a swig.
                        
                         HANNAH
          And then you sleep with them?
                        
                         JACOB
          Yes.
                        
                         HANNAH
          So that's what happens next? We
          sleep together?
                        
                         JACOB
          At some point, yes, I was under
          the impression that was your plan.
                        
          She takes a deep breath, admits:
                        
                         HANNAH
          I'm very nervous.
                        
                         JACOB
          I'm getting that.
                        
                         HANNAH
          I know at the bar I seemed
          confident, but I was more just
          soaking wet and cold and trying to
          be dramatic.
                        
          Jacob LAUGHS. He actually LAUGHS.
                        
                         JACOB
          You're adorable.
                        
          Hannah SNAPS, already tipsy.
                        
                         HANNAH
          No! Not adorable! Sexy! R-rated
          sexy! Because I know what happens
          next in the PG-13 version of
          tonight: I get really drunk, and
          I pass out, and you cover me with
          a blanket, and kiss my forehead,
          and nothing happens... but that's
          not why I'm here!
                         (THEN)
          I'm here to bang the hot guy from
          the bar who hit on me.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          83.
                        66 CONTINUED: (3) 66
                         JACOB
          I don't think people say `bang'
          anymore.
                        
                         HANNAH
          I do. We're going to bang. I'm
          finally going to do something
          exciting and dangerous and Liz can
          blow me!
                        
          Hannah shakes her hands out, pumping herself up.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Okay, okay, this is happening.
                         (THEN)
          Take off your shirt.
                        
                         JACOB
          What?
                        
                         HANNAH
          I need to stop thinking. Take off
          your shirt.
                        
          Jacob SHRUGS, stands, unbuttons his shirt and takes it
          off. He's ripped.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Holy crap.
                        
          She pokes a finger at his abs.
                        
                         HANNAH
          It's like you're photo-shopped.
                        
                         JACOB
          Now take off yours.
                        
                         HANNAH
          No way! Not with all that
          happening...
                        
          She motions casually at his abs.
                        
                         HANNAH
          So... do you prefer to do it here
          or in the bedroom?
                        
                         JACOB
                         (AMUSED)
          In the bedroom is preferable.
                        
          Hannah stands, a girl on a mission.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          84.
                        66 CONTINUED: (4) 66
                         HANNAH
          Good. Let's go there.
                         
                        
         67 INT. BAR 67
                        
          Meanwhile Cal, beaten up and soaking wet from the rain,
          ENTERS. He looks to his usual table, in need of a
          friend's company.
                        
          But Jacob isn't there.
                        
          CUT BACK TO:
                        
                        
         68 INT. JACOB'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 68
                        
          Hannah lies on her back in the dim light. Jacob is on
          top of her, shirtless. They're making out, gently.
                         
                         HANNAH
                         (TIPSY)
          This pillow is amazing. It forms
          perfectly to the shape of my head.
                        
                         JACOB
          I'm glad you like it.
                        
          They resume kissing. After a beat, she pulls back again.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Wait, are these those foam pillows
          from Brookstone?
                        
          Off his look...
                        
                         HANNAH
          They are, aren't they!? I always
          wondered who actually buys them!
          You do! The hot guy from the bar
          buys them! Of course!
                        
          She shakes her head, amazed. Gathers herself.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Sorry, let's proceed.
                        
          Jacob smiles, goes to kiss her... she pulls back again.
                        
                         HANNAH
          You don't have one of those
          ridiculous massage chairs, do you?
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          85.
                        68 CONTINUED: 68
                         JACOB
                         (LYING)
          No.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Oh. My. God! You totally do!
                         
                         JACOB
                         (ADMITTING)
          I do.
                        
          She STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. It's infectious.
                        
                         HANNAH
          How much did it cost?
                        
                         JACOB
          Five thousand doll-- 
                        
          That DOUBLES HER OVER, hysterical. Jacob starts laughing
          with her... really laughing. We can tell: this is
          different for him. He likes her.
                        
          We watch him as he realizes that. As he processes it.
          We watch him look at Hannah.
                        
                        
                         ON HANNAH
                        
          Hair in her face: drunk, laughing, completely amazing.
          And then... Jacob does the most unexpected thing:
                        
                         JACOB
          Do me a favor. Ask me a question
          about myself.
                        
                         HANNAH
          What? No! I don't want to know
          anything about you.
                        
                         JACOB
          C'mon, one question.
                         
                         HANNAH
          Okay, fine, but then we bang.
                        
                         JACOB
          Absolutely. Now, come on, I'll
          answer anything. You can ask me
          about my job, or past
                         GIRLFRIENDS -- 
                        
                         HANNAH
          What's your mom like?
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          86.
                        68 CONTINUED: (2) 68
          The question takes him by surprise. He hesitates, then:
                        
                         JACOB
          Icy... I guess? Not cruel, but
          cold. Very cold.
                        
                         HANNAH
          And your father?
                        
                         JACOB
          He died, long time ago. Left us a
          lot of money, which is how I
          have...
                        
          He motions at his PILLOW.
                        
                         JACOB
          Stuff like this.
                        
          She motions at his abs.
                        
                         HANNAH
          And time for stuff like that?
                        
          He LAUGHS.
                        
                         JACOB
          My dad was the opposite of my mom,
          actually...
                        
          We PULL BACK as they continue chatting.
                        
          TIME PASSES, as one question leads to another, and then
          another.
                        
          Body language shifts.
                        
          -- Soon they're sitting in bed, sharing the Scotch from
          the bottle, just talking. Then kissing. Then lying on
          their sides, face-to-face, talking some more.
                        
          -- Until finally: it's Jacob who passes out. And it's
                        
          Hannah who covers him with a blanket, and kisses him on
          the forehead, and begins falling in love with him.
                        
          CUE MUSIC as we begin a... 
                        
                        
          MONTAGE. IN ONE CONTINUOUS DOLLY MOVE WE HEAD, FIRST, 
          TO... 
          87.
                        
                        
         69 INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING 69 
                        
          Hannah looks longingly at Jacob's plate of pancakes. 
                        
          He notices, switches plates. 
                        
          She smiles. He smiles. God, he's crazy about her. 
                        
          He looks at the next table, watches a LOVELORN GUY switch 
          plates with his GIRLFRIEND. 
                        
          Uh-oh. 
                        
                        
         70 INT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT 70 
                        
          DOLLY DOWN the row, HANDS are held between COUPLES, all 
          entranced by the movie, until we REVEAL: 
                        
                        
                         JACOB 
                        
          staring down at his hand, locked with Hannah's. He looks 
          terrified. 
                        
         71 INT. HANNAH'S BEDROOM - EVENING 71 
                        
          Now it's Hannah who's asleep in bed, and Jacob who stares 
          at her lovingly. Suddenly, he catches himself. 
                        
          In a series of COMEDIC JUMP-CUTS, he wrestles with the 
          implications of what's happening to him. 
                        
          -- Pacing. A drink. A big drink. Fingers pulling at 
          his own hair. Hyperventilating. More staring. More 
          pacing. 
                        
                         CUT TO: 
                        
                        
         71A INT. HANNAH'S BEDROOM 71A 
                        
          And finally, he loses the battle: he tucks Hannah under 
          a blanket, kisses her forehead, and finally... 
                        
          Gives in to falling in love with her. 
                        
                         CUT TO: 
                        
                        
         72 INT. BAR - EVENING 72 
                        
          Cal is sitting at the table that once belonged to Jacob. 
          He suddenly seems very alone. 
                         (CONTINUED)
          88.
                        72 CONTINUED: 72
          He looks towards the bar, notices that same SAD SACK 
          MIDDLE-AGED GUY. Also alone. He picks up his cell. 
                        
                        
         73 INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 73 
                        
          Tracy sits at a table, FLOWERS off to the side. Her 
          phone rings. She looks at it, sees it's "Cal." She hits 
          IGNORE. 
                        
          PULL BACK to reveal DAVID JACOBWITZ, across from her. He 
          looks at Tracy and smiles. She smiles back weakly. 
                        
                        
         74 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE - LATER 74 
                        
          The awkward end of a first date. David walks Tracy to 
          the front door. She's carrying those same flowers. 
                        
          Awkward beat. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          I had fun tonight, Tracy. And I 
          was wondering if -- 
                        
                         TRACY 
          David, stop. Look, I had a nice 
          time, which is a substantial 
          upgrade from the rest of the... 
          times I've been having lately. 
          So, I don't think I'm ready to 
          start dating but my ex clearly is 
          and there's a yogurt shop where 
          they make this eight calorie ice 
          cream that tastes like a laxative, 
          so if you'd like to take me there 
          sometime I guess I wouldn't say 
          no. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          Wow. You know, that's exactly 
          what I was thinking. It's almost 
          uncanny. 
                        
          They LAUGH. This is the moment. Romantic chemistry. 
          Are they going to kiss? Holy cow. And then... 
                        
          THE DOOR OPENS. Jessica stands there. 
                        
                         JESSICA 
          Hello. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Oh, Jessica. Hi. Sorry. 
          Jessica, this is my work-friend. 
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
          89.
                        74 CONTINUED: 74
                         TRACY (CONT'D)
          He's an accountant named David. 
          David, this is my baby-sitter, 
          Jessica. Okay, David, well 
          everything sounds great. 
          Spreadsheets. 
                        
          David smiles knowingly. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          I'll see you at work. 
                        
          He EXITS. Tracy stands there with Jessica, awkward. 
                        
                        
          INSIDE THE DOOR 
                        
          Robbie sneaks down the stairs. From a kneeling position, 
          he can hear and see everything. 
                        
                         JESSICA 
          So... How was dinner? 
                        
                         TRACY 
          It was just for work. 
                        
                         JESSICA 
                         (POINTEDLY) 
          It's a pretty dress. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Oh, thanks. 
                        
          Tracy reaches for her purse, awkwardly. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          So how much do I owe yo-- 
                        
                         JESSICA 
          Did you know your kids are the 
          only ones I baby-sit for who 
          always want to stay awake so they 
          can see their dad when he gets 
          home. I mean, they fight with 
          everything they have to keep their 
          eyes open so they can hear what 
          Dad had for dinner, or how he 
          liked the movie. Lot of kids want 
          to stay awake for Mom -- and your 
          kids always want to see you, don't 
          get me wrong -- but not a lot wait 
          up for Dad. Maybe it's because 
          he's good, and he's kind, and he's 
          decent. 
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          90.
                        74 CONTINUED: (2) 74
                         TRACY 
          What are you talking abo-- 
                        
                         JESSICA 
          Batshit crazy. 
                        
          She walks out the door. Tracy looks confused. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Jessica? 
                        
          Jessica turns, explodes? 
                        
                         JESSICA 
          I DON'T WANT YOUR SLUTTY MONEY! 
                        
          She storms off. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Jessica! 
                        
          But she's gone. Tracy SIGHS ("what the hell was that") 
          and CLOSES the door. 
                        
         75 INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 75 
                        
          Tracy locks the door and leans against it... processing 
          what Jessica just said about Cal. 
                        
          She puts the FLOWERS down on the table, and heads into 
          the kitchen. 
                        
                        
                         ON ROBBIE 
          at top of the stairs, regarding the flowers. 
                        
                        
         76 EXT. STREET - LATER 76 
                        
          CUE MUSIC. Robbie rides his bike down the street. He's 
          got Tracy's FLOWERS nestled in his handlebars. 
                        
                        
         77 INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM - MINUTES LATER 77 
                        
          Jessica ENTERS in a huff, goes right toward a drawer in 
          her dresser. She pulls out a CAMERA. 
                        
                        
          IN QUICK CUTS 
                        
          we watch as she: Sets it on her dresser. Hits the 
          timer. Steps back. Drops her clothes to the floor. 
                         (CONTINUED)
          91.
                        77 CONTINUED: 77
          Prints a PHOTO from her camera. And places it in an 
                         ENVELOPE READING: 
                        
          "Cal Weaver." With a heart. She stares at the envelope 
          for a beat. 
                        
          Just then: HER DOORBELL RINGS. 
                        
          Jessica jumps, started. She quickly puts the envelope in 
          a drawer and heads for the door. 
                        
                        
         78 INT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 78 
                        
          She opens the front door. Sitting on her stoop: 
                        
          The same flowers that David Jacobowitz gave Tracy sit out 
          front. She looks at the note. It reads: "Just give me 
          a chance, love David J" but the "David J." has been 
          crossed out and replaced with "Robbie." 
                        
          She shakes her head, takes the flowers, closes the door. 
                        
         79 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - LATE EVENING 79 
                        
          MUSIC CONTINUES as we spy the Weaver family through their 
          windows: Robbie plays video games in his room. Molly 
          watching her show in hers. Tracy in the kitchen. 
                        
          We MOVE DOWN the house, and OUTSIDE, where we discover: 
                        
          Cal in stealth mode, tending to his backyard. He 
          fertilizes, trims and waters. All under cover of night. 
                        
          TRACY (O.S.) 
          Kids! Ice cream! 
                        
          Cal looks into the living room. Tracy has brought out 
          ice cream: a carton with three spoons. The kids race 
          down the stairs, join her, and start eating. Laughing. 
                        
          We take in the real-time TABLEAU: 
                        
          Cal's wife and children -- his family -- inside. Cal: 
          watching them from the outside, looking in. 
                        
          It's touching. It's complicated. It's horribly painful. 
                        
          INSIDE... Tracy looks at her kids, thinks of something. 
          She steps into the KITCHEN, closes the door, and DIALS 
          her phone. Cal leans toward the window, suspicious. 
                        
          OUTSIDE... Cal's phone rings. He jumps to silence it. 
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          92.
                        79 CONTINUED: 79
                         CAL 
          Hello? 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Hi, Cal. 
                        
          Silence. Cal is looking at her inside. She has no idea. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          So... I'm in the basement. I'm 
          trying to get the water heater 
          working `cause the pilot's out and 
          I don't know how to relight it. 
                        
          Obviously Cal sees she's not in the basement. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          I'm sorry to bother you, I just... 
          what do I do? 
                        
          Cal lowers the phone, looks at her, hesitates. Then: 
                        
                         CAL 
          It's fine, it's fine. I'm glad 
          you called. Here: I'll walk you 
          through it. 
                         (THEN) 
          Do you see the little grey door? 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Yeah. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Pull it down. 
                        
          She pantomimes this in the kitchen. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Okay, it's down. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Now, you see the red button? I 
          wrote `push' on it? 
                        
                         TRACY 
          I got it. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Push. Now turn that to the right 
          and stick the match in. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Oh, there it goes! 
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          93.
                        79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
                         CAL 
          Good. Now just close the door and 
          you're good to go. 
                        
          Silence. The charade is over. Now what? 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Well, thanks, Cal. I... 
          appreciate your help. 
                        
                         CAL 
          No, anytime. Call anytime with 
          stuff like that. 
                         (AWKWARD BEAT) 
          Talk to you later? 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Yeah. And... thanks again. 
                        
          Cal HANGS up. He takes one final look back at his wife 
          as the sprinklers go off in the backyard and douse him. 
                        
         80 INT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - MORNING 80
                        
          Cal sits on his little couch, between Robbie and Molly.
          Molly is once again absorbed in High School Musical.
                        
          Cal looks depressed. Robbie doesn't look much better. 
                        
                         CAL
          Nanna's coming over tonight. You
          guys haven't seen her in a while.
          Wanna stay for dinner?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Sure.
                        
                         CAL
          Your mom's working till five, 
          we'll have to tell her.
          (off their silence) 
          What do you guys want to do today?
                        
                         MOLLY
          (not looking up)
          High School Musical.
                        
                         CAL
          Well, there's a shocker.
                        
          She goes back into her trance.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          She still won't talk to you?
                         (CONTINUED)
          94.
                        80 CONTINUED: 80
                         CAL
          Not if that show's on.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          No, I mean, Mom.
                        
                         CAL
          Oh, no. Just hellos and goodbyes
          when we pass you guys off.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          What happened?
                        
                         CAL
          Beyond your pay-grade, buddy.
                        
          Cal looks pained.
                        
                         CAL
          I will say this though: I got
          close. We were laughing. Talking
          about old times, all the things we
          used to do...
                        
          His eyes drift to the TV. It's the timeless GOLF SCENE 
          from High School Musical II. A LIGHT BULB goes on. 
                        
                         CAL
                         (TO ROBBIE) 
          Hey. Get your coat.
                        
          Robbie smiles, runs off. Cal turns to Molly, REMOTE in
          hand.
                        
                         CAL
          Baby? I'm gonna have to turn off
          the show.
                        
                         MOLLY
          No!
                        
                         CAL
          I have to --
                        
                         MOLLY
          NOOOO!
                        
                         CAL
          I'm turning it off --
                        
                         MOLLY
          NOOOOOOOOOOO!
                        
          He just does it! He turns the TV off. Silence. Molly
          turns towards him, stares. A long, scary, beat. Then:
                         (CONTINUED)
          95.
                        80 CONTINUED: (2) 80
                         MOLLY
          (free at last)
          Thank you.
                        
          Cal KISSES her, jumps up from the couch.
                        
                        
         81 INT. SPORTING GOODS STORE - LATER 81
                        
          Cal talks to a SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly bounce around,
          excited.
                        
                        
         82 INT. PARTY SUPPLY STORE - LATER 82
                        
          Cal talks to a different SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly
          extend a MEASURING TAPE across the ground, assisting.
                        
         83 EXT. U-HAUL CENTER - CONTINUOUS ACTION 83
                        
          Cal rents a TRUCK.
                        
                        
         84 INT. HOME DEPOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 84 
                        
          Cal picks up materials. As he rounds a corner, he runs 
          into... BERNIE. 
                        
                         BERNIE 
          Oh, hey, Cal. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Bernie. 
                        
                         BERNIE 
          So how've you -- 
                        
                         CAL 
          Bernie: I'd love to catch up, but 
          I'm doing something at the old 
          house tonight and I'm in a bit of 
          a rush so... yeah. Thanks again 
          for the cologne. 
                        
          Cal takes off. 
                        
                        
         85 EXT. HOME DEPOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 85
                        
          Molly points out her three favorite DAY LABORERS, Cal
          hires them.
          96.
                        
                        
         86 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD - LATER 86 
                        
          Some kind of construction is going on back there. 
                        
          Cal's cell phone RINGS. We go -- 
                        
                        
         86A SPLIT SCREEN 86A 
                        
          with JACOB on his. He's waiting outside a LIQUOR STORE
          in his car.
                        
                         CAL 
          Hello?
                        
                         JACOB 
          Hey, Cal. 
                        
                         CAL
          Oh. My. God. It's alive.
                         
                         JACOB
          I'm sorry. I know I've been out 
          of circulation. 
                        
                         CAL 
          You abandoned me at my time of 
          need. 
                        
                         JACOB 
          I've been a little... things have 
          gotten a bit... I met a woman. 
                        
                         CAL
          I bet you did.
                        
                         JACOB
          No, I mean, I've been spending a
          lot of time with her. This woman.
          One woman.
                        
                         CAL
                         (DISBELIEVING)
          Okay, whatever.
                         
                         JACOB
          Actually, tonight... I'm going to 
          meet her mother. 
                        
                         CAL
                         (LAUGHING)
          Whoa!!!! Look at you! You do
          realize you might actually have to
          answer a question or two about
          yourself?
                         (CONTINUED)
          97.
         86A CONTINUED: 86A
                         JACOB
          Yes, I realize that, asshole.
                        
          Hannah comes out of the wine store, hops over the car.
          Jacob can't help but smile: wow, he's REALLY into her.
                        
                         JACOB
          Gotta go. Grab a beer next week?
                        
                         CAL
          You've got my number.
                         (THEN)
          Hey. Good for you, by the way.
                        
                         JACOB
          Thanks. 
                        
          Cal HANGS up, LAUGHS to himself, and gets back to work. 
                         
         87 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT 87 
                        
          Tracy pulls up to her house. As she pulls in she notices 
          Robbie. He's standing outside the front door in a 
          tuxedo... a shit-eating grin on his face. 
                        
          She SIGHS ("what now?") and parks the car.
                        
                        
         88 INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM 88 
                        
          Meanwhile. Claire is putting away laundry. She throws 
          some underwear in Jessica's bottom drawer.
                        
          Notices something. An envelope. It's addressed to Cal
          Weaver. Curiosity piqued, she picks it up. Looks
          inside. Almost faints.
                        
                        
         89 INT. CLAIRE AND BERNIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 89
                        
          Big Bernie sits in a recliner, watching football and 
          drinking a cold one. Jessica lies on the floor, doing 
          homework.
                        
          Claire ENTERS, ashen. Zombie-like, she hands Bernie the
          envelope. Jessica looks up, sees it. 
                        
                         JESSICA
          No!!!!
                        
          She jumps, but it's too late.
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          98.
                        89 CONTINUED: 89
                         ON BERNIE
                        
          Staring at the picture. We don't see it, but we get the
          point: it's a father's worst nightmare.
                        
          Bernie, dazed, slides the pictures back into the
          envelope. He looks at the envelope again.
                        
                        
                         ON ENVELOPE
                        
          Cal's name. A heart. 
                        
                        
          BACK TO SCENE
                        
                         JESSICA
          Daddy?
                        
          Bernie puts a hand up. He can't speak. He marches out
          the door. From inside we hear a car SCREECH AWAY.
                        
                        
                         ON JESSICA
                        
          Realizing. She grabs a second set of keys. 
                        
         90 EXT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 90
                        
          Jessica runs into a second car. Races after her father.
                         
                        
         91 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE 91 
                        
          Meanwhile. Tracy approaches Robbie. Not only is he 
          wearing a tuxedo, he's carrying a bunch of SCARVES. 
          Tracy LAUGHS.
                        
                         TRACY
          Baby! What are you wearing!?
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          Dad's here. 
                        
          Tracy's face drops. 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I have to blindfold you.
                         
                         TRACY
                         (WEARY)
          What is this? What is he doing?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          99.
                        91 CONTINUED: 91
                         ROBBIE
          Relax, Mom. He's your husband,
          not Al Queda. You'll make it out
          alive.
                        
          She can't help but smile. She kneels down, allowing
          Robbie to BLINDFOLD HER from behind.
                        
          He ties a SCARF around her eyes. Then ANOTHER at a
          different angle, double-knots it. Then ANOTHER! 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Okay, we're good, let's do this.
                        
                        
         92 INT. BERNIE'S CAR 92
                        
          Meanwhile. There's no expression on Bernie's face. It's
          frightening. He looks down at passenger seat. At the
          ENVELOPE bearing Cal's address.
                        
          He RACES through a light. A HORN blares behind him.
                        
         93 INT. JESSICA'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 93
                        
          Jessica is the one BLARING THE HORN, crying and panicked.
                        
          She too RACES through the same light.
                         
                        
         94 EXT. WEAVER BACKYARD 94 
                        
          Robbie leads a blindfolded Tracy into the backyard. She 
          looks like a zombie with all the scarves over her face.
          We see what she is not yet privy to.
                        
                        
          ON THE BACKYARD 
                        
          Cal's Shangri-La has been transformed: the yard holds a 
          FULL-BLOWN MINIATURE GOLF HOLE, windmill and all.
                         
          Cal stands behind it all, in a tux.
                        
                         CAL
          Hi, T.
                        
                         TRACY
          Can I take these off, please?
                        
                         CAL
          Almost. Kids? 
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          100.
                        94 CONTINUED: 94
          Robbie CUES music (which will play throughout this 
          scene). Molly, in a PARTY DRESS, carries a glass of 
          champagne to Tracy and puts it in her hand. 
                        
                         CAL 
                         (LAUNCHING IN) 
          Twenty-five years ago, Cal Weaver 
          saw Tracy Boyle for the first 
          time, walking the halls of 
          Woodside Middle School -- 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Cal: are you seriously doing this 
          in front of the kids? 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
                         (QUICKLY) 
          If it goes bad I'm supposed to 
          take Molly upstairs and put the TV 
          on loud. 
                        
          Tracy SIGHS, giving up. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Well, might as well wait for your 
          daughter. 
                        
                         CAL 
          She's right next to you, T. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          No, your other daughter. 
                        
          Huh? Just then: 
                        
          VOICE (O.S.) 
          Hello? 
                        
          From inside the house steps out... 
                        
          HANNAH.
                        
                         CAL
          Nanna!
                        
                         HANNAH
          Hi, Daddy.
                        
          WTF! And right behind her... JACOB. Holding a bottle of 
          wine and smiling like an idiot. Everyone freezes.
                        
                         JACOB
          Cal?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          101.
                        94 CONTINUED: (2) 94
                         CAL
          What the hell are you doing here?
                        
                         JACOB
          What the hell are you doing here?
                        
                         HANNAH
          Wait, you two know each other?
                        
                         TRACY
                         (STILL BLIND)
          Hi, Nanna. 
                        
                         CAL
          Wait, what's going on?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Hey, Nanna.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Hey, Robbie.
                        
                         MOLLY
          Hey, Nanna.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Hey, cutie.
                        
                         JACOB
          WHAT THE HELL IS A NANNA!?
                        
                         HANNAH
          It's me, I couldn't pronounce
          Hannah when I was little -- wait,
          so how do you know my dad?
                        
                         JACOB
                         (REALIZING)
          Oh, God. 
                        
                         CAL
                         (FREAKING)
          I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S GOING
          ON HERE!
                        
                         HANNAH
          Dad, this is my boyfriend, Jacob.
                        
                         CAL
          No. No. No. No.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          102.
                        94 CONTINUED: (3) 94
                         TRACY
          I want to see the boyfriend!
                         (STRUGGLING WITH
                         SCARVES)
          Can someone please take this off?
                        
                         JACOB
          HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A 24-YEAR- 
          OLD DAUGHTER!?
                        
                         CAL
          I WAS SEVENTEEN! SHE WAS OUR 
          SENIOR YEAR HICCUP! IT'S WHY WE
          GOT MARRIED SO YOUNG!
                        
                         JACOB
          WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME THAT?
                        
                         CAL
          YOU NEVER LET ME TALK ABOUT MY
          CHILDREN!
                         
                         HANNAH
          So you two, like, really know each
          other?
                        
                         CAL
          No way -- you and her... no way.
          End it, now.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Daddy!!!
                        
                         JACOB
          Well, that's not going to happen.
                         CAL
          Well, then I'm going to murder
          you.
                        
                         HANNAH
          DAD!
                        
                         TRACY
          (down to two scarves)
          Will someone please take this
          goddamn thing off me!
                         
                         CAL
          Robbie, take the goddamn thing off
          your mother!
          (then, looking up) 
          Bernie?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          103.
                        94 CONTINUED: (4) 94
          SLAM! A body flies into Cal and knocks him OUT OF FRAME. 
          It's Bernie! Behind him... 
                        
          JESSICA runs after her father, SCREAMING: 
                        
                         JESSICA 
          Daddy, no!
                         
                         ROBBIE
          Is that Jessica?
                        
          BAM! Bernie lands a solid right into Cal's jaw. 
                        
                         HANNAH
          Daddy!
                        
                         JESSICA
          Daddy!
                        
                         TRACY
                         (YANKING ON
                         BLINDFOLD)
          What's happening?
                        
          Bernie is pummeling Cal.
                        
                         BERNIE
          I LET HER BABY-SIT FOR YOU, YOU
          SICK SON OF A BITCH! SHE'S 
          SEVENTEEN!
                        
          Jacob dives in. Tries to pull Bernie off. Bernie NAILS
          Jacob with an UPPERCUT!
                        
                         HANNAH
          Jacob!
                         
                         CAL
                         (GETTING PUMMELLED)
          Bernie, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
          TALKING ABOUT!
                        
          Bernie picks up a WINDMILL from the miniature GOLF
          COURSE, readies to bash it over Cal's head. Jessica
          throws herself on Cal.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Daddy, stop!
                        
          This breaks Bernie's trance. He hesitates.
                        
                         JESSICA
          He didn't do anything. He doesn't
          even know.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          104.
                        94 CONTINUED: (5) 94
                         ROBBIE
          Know what?
                        
                         CAL
          Know what?
                        
                         TRACY
                         (STILL BLINDFOLDED)
          Robbie, please get this off me!
                        
                         ROBBIE
          (struggling with it)
          I'm TRYING!
                        
                         JESSICA
          He doesn't even know that I'm in
          love with him!
                        
          Robbie stops, turns.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          With who?
                        
                         JESSICA
          (pointing at Cal)
          With him.
                        
                         CAL
          Are you pointing at me?
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Are you pointing at him?
                        
                         TRACY
          Who is she pointing at!?
                        
                         ROBBIE
                         (PROCESSING)
          Wait: my dad is the older guy
          you've been seeing?
                        
                         BERNIE
          I knew it.
                        
          He gets ready to pummel some more. Jessica grabs him. 
                        
                         JESSICA
                         (TO BERNIE)
          He doesn't even know about the
          dirty pictures I made for him.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          You made him dirty pictures? Oh
          God.
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          105.
                        94 CONTINUED: (6) 94
          Robbie looks to Cal. He's angry, jealous, and broken- 
          hearted all at once. 
                        
                         ROBBIE
                         (TO CAL) 
          You're the one? You're the one 
          she... 
          (then, furious) 
          You stole my soulmate. 
                        
                         CAL
          Wait: Jessica is your soulmate?
                        
          VOICE (O.S.) 
          I'm sorry, is Tracy home? 
                        
          Everyone turns: DAVID JACOBOWITZ stands in the doorway. 
          He's holding up a SWEATER in his right hand. 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          You left your sweater in my car 
          the other night. 
                         
                         HANNAH
          Who are you?
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          David Jacobowitz.
                        
                         JACOB
          David Jacobowitz!
                        
                         CAL 
          David Jacobowitz!? 
                        
                         DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
          Is this a bad time -- 
                        
          WHACK!!! Jacob LEVELS David Jacobowitz with a right 
          hook.
                        
                         HANNAH
          Jacob!
                        
                         JACOB
          You know how much misery you've
          put this poor bastard through!?
                        
          Before Jacob can finish, Cal LEVELS Jacob. 
                        
                         CAL
          Stay the hell away from my
          daughter.
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          106.
                        94 CONTINUED: (7) 94
          Jacob JUMPS on Cal. David jumps on Jacob. Bernie tries
          to pull them apart.
                        
          Jessica finally gets the blindfold off Tracy. The women
          and children watch the battle in horror.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         95 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD - LATER 95 
                        
          Cal, Jacob, Bernie, and David Jacobowitz sit side-by-side
          on the miniature golf hole, bloodied but still. 
                        
          REVEAL: TWO POLICE OFFICERS standing in the center of
          the yard. One of them finishes writing in a pad. 
                        
                         POLICE OFFICER #1
          Well, okay. That should about do
          it.
          (to his partner) 
          What do you think? 
                        
          The other cop SHRUGS. The first cop, thinks, then: 
                        
                         POLICE OFFICER #1
          Look, I'm just gonna write
          domestic disturbance reported but
          all clear, okay? `Cause honestly,
          I don't even know what to put down
          here.
                        
                         TRACY
          Thank you, Officer. 
                        
          He nods, walks to the door. Stops there.
                        
                         POLICE OFFICER #1
          Just... simmer down, okay? We all
          have arguments, but if you're
          gonna fight -- just do it inside. 
          Keep it in the family, okay?
                        
          Jacob SNARFS down a laugh. Cal glares at him.
                        
                         CAL
          I'll kill you.
                        
          The cops look at Cal, at each other, SHRUG, and EXIT.
                        
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          107.
                        95 CONTINUED: 95
          ON THE YARD 
                        
          Awkward silence. Our whole cast is there: disheveled
          and bloodied. The place looks like a hurricane has hit. 
          A miniature golf hole torn to shreds. 
                        
          Bernie turns to Jessica.
                        
                         BERNIE
          Let's go. Now. 
                        
          She NODS. Looks back at Cal.
                        
                         JESSICA
          I'm so sorry --
                        
                         BERNIE
          NOW!
                        
          And that's that. Robbie runs to the driveway, looks: 
                        
         96 IN THE STREET 96 
                        
          as Jessica runs after her father, trying to apologize.
          But he won't even look at her. They get in their
          respective cars, drive off.
                        
                        
                        97 BACK INSIDE 97
                         
          Jacob approaches Cal.
                         
                         CAL
          Don't.
                         JACOB
                         CAL --
                        
          Cal turns to Hannah.
                        
                         CAL
          This man is a lowlife and a 
                         WOMANIZER -- 
                        
                         TRACY 
          (under her breath) 
          Oh, that's ironic. 
                        
          Cal whips around. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I'm sorry, what? 
                        
          Tracy doesn't push it. Cal turns back to Hannah. 
                         (CONTINUED)
          108.
                        97 CONTINUED: 97
                         CAL 
          You may not be able to see it, but 
          I have. Over and over again. You
          are not to see him any more.
                         
                         HANNAH
          Dad, c'mon, I'm not going to stop
          seeing him.
                        
          Cal turns away.
                        
                         CAL
          Well then I don't have anything 
          else to say to you. 
                        
                         HANNAH
                         DAD --
                        
                         CAL
          GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!
                        
                        
                         ON HANNAH
                        
          shocked.
                        
                        
          BACK TO SCENE
                        
                         TRACY
          Cal, stop being unreasona--
                        
                         CAL
          I said: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY 
          HOUSE! 
                        
                         TRACY 
          IT'S NOT YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE, CAL! 
                        
                         CAL 
          AND YOU MADE DAMN SURE OF THAT 
          DIDN'T YOU, SWEETHEART!? 
                        
          This time it's Tracy whose face registers shock. Hannah
          takes Jacob's hand, pulls him away. 
                        
                         JACOB
          (one last try)
          Cal, c'mon --
                        
          But Cal won't even look at him. 
                        
                         MOLLY
                         (CALLING OUT)
          Goodbye, Nanna.
                         (CONTINUED)
          109.
                        97 CONTINUED: (2) 97
                         HANNAH
                         (THROUGH TEARS)
          Goodbye, cutie.
                        
          They EXIT. Cal lets them go, then grabs his things. 
                        
                         CAL 
          She's all yours, David. 
                        
          Ouch.
                        
                         TRACY
                         (WOUNDED)
          Nice. 
                        
          Before he goes, Cal stops in front of Robbie. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Go big or go home, right, buddy? 
                        
          Robbie looks up at him, cold. 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          Go home, Dad. 
                        
          Cal NODS, EXITS. 
                         
         98 INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - THE NEXT MONTH 98
                        
          CUE: John Mayer's "Who Says."
                        
          1) ROBBIE, at school. His spirit is crushed. He looks 
          at his CONTACT LIST, thinks, and DELETES JESSICA. 
                        
                        
                        99 JESSICA 99
          2) at home, grounded and sad. 
                        
                        
                        100 JACOB 100
                        
          3) trying to get HANNAH to make a phone call to her
          father... she won't.
                        
                        
                        101 TRACY 101
                        
          4) at her office, finally taking down the picture of her 
          and Cal. And speaking of Cal... 
          110.
                        
                        
         102 INT. BAR - AFTERNOON (THREE WEEKS LATER) 102
                        
          Cal sits back at his usual table. This isn't "Cool Cal,"
          the Jacob disciple. No, this is "Sad Mess Cal." He's 
          grown a patchy beard. He's wearing a ratty sweatsuit. 
                        
          He's drinking, once again, vodka-cranberry out of a wimpy 
          red straw. It's pathetic. A WAITRESS APPROACHES.
                        
                         WAITRESS
          Can I get you another?
                        
                         CAL
          What time is it?
                        
                         WAITRESS
          2:30. In the afternoon.
                        
                         CAL
          2:30 would have been sufficient
          but I appreciate the judgment,
          Cocktail Waitress.
                         (THEN)
          Yes, another drink would be grand.
                        
          She EXITS.
                        
          Cal feels bad for that one. As she re-approaches: 
                        
                         CAL
          That was uncalled for. Sorry for
          being a dick.
                        
          JACOB (O.S.)
          Ah, it's okay, I deserved it. 
                        
                        
                         ON JACOB
                        
          Standing there. As always, he looks perfectly put
          together. He takes in Cal.
                        
                         JACOB
          It's a nice sweatsuit, Cal.
                        
                         CAL
          What do you want?
                        
                         JACOB
          Can I sit?
                        
                         CAL
          I don't know, can you?
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          111.
                        102 CONTINUED: 102
                         JACOB
          Okay, are we going to be mature
          about this, or act like children?
                        
                         CAL
                         (MIMICKING) 
          `Are we going to be mature or act
          like children?'
                        
                         JACOB
          Okay, so like children then. Move
          over.
                        
          Jacob SLIDES in.
                        
                         JACOB
          I'd like to talk.
                        
                         CAL
          You still seeing my daughter?
                        
                         JACOB
          Yes.
                        
                         CAL
          Then I have nothing to say to you.
                        
                         JACOB
          Cal.
                         (THEN)
          Cal, look at me.
                        
          Cal looks. Jacob still has that power over him.
                        
                         JACOB
          You been hanging out here a lot?
                        
                         CAL
          Sometimes.
                        
                         JACOB
          Must be missing a lot of work.
                        
                         CAL
          I have a lot of vacation days.
                        
                         JACOB
          Some vacation.
                        
                         CAL
          I hate the beach... you've got a 
          lot of nerve coming here --
                        
          Just then, the WAITRESS re-approaches. Delivers Cal's
          drink. They wait her out. She EXITS.
                         (CONTINUED)
          112.
                        102 CONTINUED: (2) 102
                         JACOB
          You want a sip?
                        
                         CAL
          No, she probably spit in it.
                        
          Jacob NODS as Cal pushes the drink away. 
                        
                         JACOB
          Your kids miss you.
                        
                         CAL
          You're hanging out with my kids,
          fantastic! You can teach Robbie
          how to objectify women, he'll love
          that.
                        
                         JACOB 
          His eighth grade graduation is 
          next week. You coming? 
                        
                         CAL 
          Of course I'm coming. 
                        
                         JACOB
          Well you haven't exactly been
          around for him, Cal.
                        
                         CAL 
          He's not my biggest fan right now. 
                        
                         JACOB 
          Oh, that's a good excuse -- 
                        
                         CAL
          Alright, man-whore, if your
          lecture on parental responsibility
          is almost done --
                        
                         JACOB
          I love her, Cal. 
                        
          Cal looks up. 
                        
                         JACOB 
          I've never been in love before. 
          Honestly, I've never even been in 
          `like' before. 
                         (THEN) 
          I never got it. I saw people in 
          love -- I saw weakness. I heard
          them say the things they said, and
          do the things they do, it all just
          seemed so... so pathetic. 
                         (THEN)
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
          113.
                        102 CONTINUED: (3) 102
                         JACOB (CONT'D)
          She's my perfect combination of
          everything, Cal.
                        
          Cal looks up at Jacob. He smiles, gently. 
                        
                         CAL
          I know you. I know what you are. 
          You are not good enough for my 
          daughter. And you will never have 
          my permission nor my approval. 
                        
          Jacob stands. 
                        
                         JACOB
          I'll see you at graduation. 
                        
          He EXITS. Once more, Cal is alone. Just as he wants it. 
                        
         103 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - ONE WEEK LATER 103 
                        
          A small MIDDLE-SCHOOL AMPHITHEATER. About 150 people 
          fill the crowd of an intimate middle school graduation. 
                        
          Tracy, Molly, and Hannah sit in the front row. Jessica 
          sits with her family a few rows away. All look nice. 
                        
          MANY ROWS BACK -- 
                        
          Sits Cal, sandwiched between RANDOM SPECTATORS. Cal is 
          now shaven and well-dressed but he looks miserable. 
                        
          His eyes brighten for a moment as he notices... 
                        
          AN EMPTY SEAT between Tracy and Hannah. He leans 
          forward, are they saving it for him? But just then... 
          Jacob arrives. Kisses Hannah and takes "Cal's" seat. 
          Cal looks nauseous. 
                        
                        
                         ON STAGE 
                        
          We WATCH the ceremony for a moment. The PRINCIPAL labors 
          through her introduction... 
                        
          VOICE (V.O.)
          ... and now, to introduce the 
          first student speaker: our very
          own English teacher Kate Thompson!
                        
          Cal's former conquest steps onto stage. 
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          114.
                        103 CONTINUED: 103
          AHEAD OF CAL 
                        
          Tracy looks away, clearly uncomfortable at the teacher's 
          presence. She accidentally catches Cal's eye. Awkward. 
                        
                         KATE
          Our next speaker is not only the
          class salutatorian, but he's also
          one of the most...
                         (SEARCHING)
          Spirited... young men, I've ever
          had the pleasure of teaching.
          Ladies and gentlemen: Robbie
          Weaver.
                        
          Robbie takes the stage to APPLAUSE. This is not the same 
          kid we've come to love. There's something different in 
          his face. He's been broken. He spots JESSICA. 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          (a bit monotone) 
          Thank you, Mrs. Thompson. 
          Welcome, Class of 2011. 
                         (A BEAT) 
          I wasn't really sure what I wanted 
          to talk about today. Mrs. 
          Thompson said it might be good to 
          talk about growing up and getting 
          older and stuff. So I guess I'll 
          talk about that. 
                        
          Cal watches, concerned. Where's his son? 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          I grew up a lot this year, I 
          think. I used to think that 
          growing up meant really growing. 
          Like getting taller and bigger. 
          But now I think that growing up 
          just makes you smaller. Your 
          dreams get smaller, and what you 
          want gets smaller... 
          (beat, then) 
          I grew an inch and a half this 
          year, but I feel a lot smaller. 
                        
          Cal sits forward, getting increasingly concerned. 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          I was in love. And I know that 
          makes parents laugh because I'm 
          only thirteen but whatever, I was. 
                         (MORE)
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          115.
                        103 CONTINUED: (2) 103
                         ROBBIE (CONT'D)
          I believed that there was one true 
          love for everyone, and if you 
          fought for that person, your one 
          true love would always work out. 
          But that's not how it works. It 
          sounded good when I was younger, 
          but... it's just not how it works. 
          There's no such thing as one true 
          love for everyo-- 
                        
          CAL (O.S.) 
          Stop! 
                        
          Robbie turns. Cal is STANDING in the middle of the 
          crowd. Everyone turns to look at him. 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          Dad? 
                        
                         CAL 
          Hi. 
          (awkward, to crowd) 
          Hi, everyone. 
                        
          Silence. No one knows what to do. Cal is suddenly 
          really uncomfortable. 
                        
                         CAL 
          May I have a word with my son? 
          It'll just take a second. 
                        
          Cal tries to extricate himself from his row. He steps 
          over people, squeezes by people, almost trips. 
                        
          Finally clear, he gathers himself, and tries to keep his 
          dignity as he marches down the aisle -- past his family. 
                        
          Robbie comes to the front of the stage, bends down. 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
                         (HEATED WHISPER) 
          What are you doing? 
                        
                         CAL 
          I don't know. What are you doing? 
                        
          Robbie's eyes well up with tears. 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          I was wrong, Dad. There's no such 
          thing as -- 
                        
          Cal turns toward the crowd, announces: 
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          116.
                        103 CONTINUED: (3) 103
                         CAL 
          My son's graduation speech sucks. 
                        
          GASPS from the crowd. 
                        
                        
                         ON CAL 
                        
          Now standing, alone, front and center in front of an 
          entire eighth grade graduation ceremony. 
                        
          He looks behind him at the panel of TEACHERS. MRS. 
          THOMPSON discreetly gives Cal the finger. 
                        
                         CAL 
          In fairness, I don't know where he 
          was going but I think we can all 
          agree it was heading in a pretty 
          depressing direction. And I 
          basically wrote it for him. I 
          mean, I didn't literally write it 
          but I sure as hell influenced it, 
          and the kid's already a spitting 
          image of his mother and I'll be 
          damned if this is what he's going 
          to get from me. 
                        
          People squirm, uncomfortable. This is a train wreck. 
                        
                         CAL 
          My son -- not him, my actual son -- 
          he believes in grand romantic 
          gestures. He believes that people 
          have soulmates. And we always 
          want to tell our thirteen-year- 
          olds that they're wrong, that `one 
          day you'll understand, young man.' 
          But maybe it should be the other 
          way around. 
                        
          He looks at Tracy, out in the crowd. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I met my soulmate when I was 
          fifteen years old. Our first 
          date, we went for ice cream. 
          After, my dad started teasing me 
          about my `first date' the way dads 
          do. And I told him: `stop making 
          a big deal, Dad. I'm going to go 
          on lots of dates with plenty of 
          girls.' That was the first time I 
          ever lied to my father. 
                         (THEN) 
                         (MORE)
                         (CONTINUED)
          117.
                        103 CONTINUED: (4) 103
                         CAL (CONT'D)
          I met my soulmate when I was 
          fifteen years old. And I have 
          loved her with everything I have 
          for every minute, of every day, 
          ever since she let me buy her that 
          first mint chip ice cream. I have 
          loved her through the birth of our 
          three perfect children, and I have 
          loved her even as I've hated her -- 
          only married couples can truly 
          understand that one. And I don't 
          know what will wind up happening 
          with us -- I don't, Robbie, I'm 
          sorry I can't give you that -- but 
          I promise you this: I will never 
          stop trying. When you find `the 
          one' you never give up trying... 
          and I love you, my amazing boy, 
          for reminding me of that. 
                        
          Robbie hugs his father as the crowd reacts. Cal kisses 
          his son on the head, then motions towards the microphone. 
                        
          Robbie grabs it with newfound gusto and announces: 
                        
                         ROBBIE 
          I still love you, Jessica! I've 
          loved you since the first time you 
          changed my sister's diaper! I've 
          loved you since... 
                        
          The crowd reacts (LAUGHS, CHEERS, etc.) as Robbie 
          continues. Cal stands back and smiles. His boy is back. 
                        
         104 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - LATER 104 
          The ceremony is over. Robbie heads over to his family. 
          They hug him, kiss him. Cal approaches Hannah and Jacob. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Hi, Nanna. 
                        
                         HANNAH 
          Daddy. 
                        
          He smiles at her, adoring. 
                        
                         CAL 
          My perfect girl. 
                        
          He kisses her forehead, turns to Jacob. 
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          118.
                        104 CONTINUED: 104
                         CAL 
          I already ordered a gun. I'm not 
          kidding. I ordered a Colt .45 on 
          a shady internet site, I can show 
          you the receipt. If you hurt her, 
          I am prepared to shoot you in the 
          face. 
                        
                         JACOB 
          Cal, I'm not going to -- 
                        
                         CAL 
          Shut up, Jacob. 
                        
          Jacob shuts up. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Wow. I like that. 
                        
          Jacob smiles, shakes hands with Cal. Cal notices: 
                        
                         CAL 
          Is that a new shirt? 
                        
                         JACOB 
          Hannah took me to the Gap. It's 
          actually not as bad as I thought. 
                        
                         CAL 
          Seriously? 
                        
                         JACOB 
          Of course not, Cal. It's the Gap. 
          I got this at Nordstrom's. 
                        
          And like that... order is restored in the universe. 
                        
                        
          OVER TO ROBBIE 
                        
          Who approaches Jessica. 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          It was nice of you to come.
                        
                         JESSICA
          I wouldn't have missed it.
                        
          Awkward.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          So, how are things with your dad? 
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          119.
                        104 CONTINUED: (2) 104
                         JESSICA
          Strained. I took a summer
          internship up at Stanford, gonna 
          head up there early. Figure it
          can't hurt to get out of his line
          of sight for a while.
                        
                         ROBBIE
          Yeah, probably a good idea.
                         (THEN)
          You were a good baby-sitter,
          Jessica. I'm sorry if I made you
          uncomfortable.
                        
          He holds out his hand, to shake, formally.
                        
                         JESSICA
          Wait: I thought you weren't 
          giving up. 
                        
                         ROBBIE
          I'm not. But I figure: you like 
          my dad, and one day I'll look like
          my dad, so I'll just come for you
          then.
                        
          Jessica smiles.
                        
                         JESSICA
          It's a good plan.
                        
          She looks over her shoulder, reaches into her purse. 
                        
                         JESSICA
          Until then: a little graduation
          gift. To help get you through
          high school.
                        
          She hands him something in an ENVELOPE: the same type of
          envelope she once used for...
                        
          Robbie peeks inside. His eyes BUG OUT. Jessica kisses
          him, sweetly, on the cheek.
                        
                         JESSICA
          You take care, Robbie.
                        
          Robbie watches her go. Love-struck once more. Cal steps 
          up next to his son. 
                        
                         CAL
          You okay, buddy? 
                        
                        
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          120.
                        104 CONTINUED: (3) 104
                         ROBBIE
                         (RE: ENVELOPE) 
          I am now, Dad. I am now. 
                        
          Robbie runs off to join his friends. Cal smiles. 
                        
          TRACY (O.S.) 
          I'm terrified of what's going to 
          become of him once he hits 
          puberty. 
                        
          Cal turns, Tracy has been watching. 
                        
                         CAL 
          We might have to lock him up. 
                        
          Tracy smiles. Cal walks over toward her. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          You gave a good eighth grade 
          graduation speech. 
                        
                         CAL 
          I've been working on it for thirty 
          years, so... 
                        
          She LAUGHS, then... quiet. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Do you think we can ever come back 
          from all this, Cal? 
                        
                         CAL 
          I don't know. I'd like to try 
          though. I know I'd like to try. 
                        
          She nods, thinking. 
                        
                         TRACY 
          Things are just so messed up. And 
          it's been such a strange year. 
          I've been in such a strange place. 
          And we have all these problems, so 
          many problems I've lost count, but 
          at the end of the day, I mean, the 
          only thing I know -- 
                        
          She stops herself, emotional. Then, simply: 
                        
                         TRACY 
          I am just so glad you took me for 
          that ice cream. 
                        
          Cal smiles. They share the moment in silence. And then: 
                        
                         (CONTINUED)
          121.
                        104 CONTINUED: (4) 104
                         TRACY 
          It was rocky road by the way. 
                        
                         CAL 
          No! 
                        
          As they JOKE and ARGUE about what flavor the ice cream 
          was, we PULL BACK. 
                        
          Off to the side, Robbie steps away from his friends and 
          watches them enjoy one another's company. 
                        
          He smiles. 
                        
          FADE OUT.
                        
                         THE END
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