The Loop (TV)
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CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE
Written by Dan Fogelman February 19, 2010
FADE IN: 1 INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT (PASADENA, CA) - EVENING 1 Soft music. A classy joint. Below the tables, WE PAN well-heeled feet nuzzling. Finally we SETTLE ON: A PAIR OF FEET WHITE SNEAKERS sitting opposite FANCY HIGH HEELS. These feet aren't nuzzling. There's distance here. PULL UP, REVEALING CAL WEAVER (42) and his wife, TRACY (41). A handsome couple. He'd be JFK to her Jackie O... if he gave a shit. Unfortunately, he doesn't (i.e.: white sneakers in fancy French restaurant). Cal pulls out READING GLASSES, looks at the menu. CAL Well, I'm full. You were right, hon. I shouldn't have eaten all that bread. (THEN) Want to just share a dessert? Tracy is lost in thought, gazing at a menu. CAL You okay, babe? You seem out of it. TRACY Yeah, I'm just thinking about what I want. CAL Me too. Okay, let's say it at the same time. One. Two. Three... TRACY CAL I want a divorce. Creme Brulee. CUT TO: 2 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE (PASADENA) - SAME EVENING 2 JESSICA (17) chases after MOLLY (9). Jessica's skinny, wears glasses, a hipster T-shirt. In five years, she's going to make all the boys' heads spin. But not yet. (CONTINUED) 2. 2 CONTINUED: 2 JESSICA I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha! She grabs Molly and tickles her. Molly SQUEALS with delight. As she kicks... SMASH! A picture falls off the nearby console. Jessica picks it up: ON SMASHED PHOTO Cal and Tracy. This is their house. BACK TO SCENE JESSICA It's okay, my fault. (THEN) Alright, kiddo, it's getting late, let's get you to bed before your parents get home. Don't give me the puppy eyes, you little maniac. Go brush your teeth! Molly GIGGLES, RUNS upstairs. Once Molly's gone, Jessica looks at the photo. She eyes Cal affectionately. CUT TO: 3 INT. BAR 3 Meanwhile, TWO YOUNG PROFESSIONAL WOMEN drink and laugh at a table. HANNAH (24) is clearly buzzed. HANNAH I don't care. I love him and given the opportunity, I'd have his babies. Her best friend, LIZ (29), LAUGHS. LIZ Seriously? Conan O'Brien? You'd do Conan O'Brien? HANNAH I'm just saying, Richard's a lot of things: successful, smart... LIZ Boring, workaholic, sexually repressed... (CONTINUED) 3. 3 CONTINUED: 3 HANNAH But he's not very funny, that's all. LIZ Yeah, well, you want funny, go watch `Cosby' reruns. You want a good lay, go get yourself some of... that. She motions off to the side. HANNAH What? LIZ The hot piece that's been checking you out for the last hour. THE CROWD PARTS, revealing: JACOB PALMER (32). The smoothest, coolest son-of-a-bitch you've ever seen. He tilts his glass at them, toasting. 4 INT. LEXUS SUV 4 Meanwhile, Cal sits in the passenger seat, dazed. A "to- go" box from the French restaurant in his lap. Tracy drives. TRACY Aren't you going to say anything? Nothing. TRACY Almost twenty-five years of marriage, you have nothing to say? She looks at him. He turns to her, about to say something, then... stops himself. Turns back forward. It's silent. Devastating. CUT BACK TO: 5 INT. CAL AND TRACY'S HOUSE 5 Meanwhile, Jessica (the baby-sitter) stops at a bedroom door. She hears MUSIC coming from inside, puts her ear to the door. It's Lady Gaga. It's awful. She smiles, knocks and opens the door at the same time. (CONTINUED) 4. 5 CONTINUED: 5 JESSICA Hey, your sister's asleep, just checking you're alive -- She SCREAMS as -- ANOTHER ANGLE ROBBIE WEAVER (13), quickly covers himself up. He was masturbating. ROBBIE Close the door! BACK TO JESSICA who slams the door shut. JESSICA (THROUGH DOOR) I'm sorry, Robbie! I didn't see anything, I swear. BACK INSIDE ROOM Robbie lies there frozen, horrified. 6 INT. BAR 6 Meanwhile, where Liz and Hannah keep drinking. LIZ I don't know, Hannah. Your life is just so... PG-13. Hannah's mouth drops open. HANNAH My life is not PG-13! LIZ It so is. You've never left LA. You pass the bar you're gonna be, what, a patent lawyer, probably married to that snooze-fest Richard. I just worry about you is all. Hell, you've resorted to fantasizing about Conan `Ginger- Dick' O'Brien. (CONTINUED) 5. 6 CONTINUED: 6 HANNAH (ADORABLE) He's funny. LIZ He looks like a carrot, honey. Hannah LAUGHS. VOICE (O.S.) Who? They turn. It's Jacob Palmer (the stud from earlier). LIZ Hi. JACOB Hi. Who looks like a carrot? LIZ Conan O'Brien. My friend Hannah thinks he's sexy. JACOB I think your friend Hannah is sexy. Hannah LAUGHS. HANNAH You didn't really just say that. JACOB Pretty sure I did. HANNAH How old are you? JACOB Thirty-three next month. HANNAH Then you should know by now that cheesy pick-up lines don't work. Jacob sits down at their table, uninvited. JACOB I find you incredibly sexy. It's a fact, not a cheesy pick-up line. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 6. 6 CONTINUED: (2) 6 JACOB (CONT'D) There are many attractive women in this bar -- including your friend here -- and I've been unable to take my eyes off you, only you, for the past two hours. Again: not a cheesy pick-up line, just a fact. (THEN) Answer this quickly, without thinking about your answer: do you find me attractive? Hannah doesn't flinch. HANNAH I don't. JACOB Yes you do. LIZ Yes, she does. JACOB I'm an accomplished lover. If you come home with me, I am confident you will leave satisfied. Multiple times. HANNAH You've got to be kiddi-- JACOB We'll make love and it will be amazing. You'll laugh afterwards and say `I never do this kind of thing.' Then you'll do it again. HANNAH Is that so? JACOB It is. So now I'm going to ask if I can buy you another drink. If you say yes, we'll have one more cocktail each -- just enough to start losing inhibitions, not enough to get sloppy, after all: I promised to satisfy you. LIZ Multiple times. (CONTINUED) 7. 6 CONTINUED: (3) 6 JACOB That's right. So, here we go, Hannah: can I buy you a drink? Hannah and Liz share a look. HANNAH What do you expect me to say to that? JACOB Margarita, rocks, salt. HANNAH Wow. She STANDS, grabs her coat and Liz's hand. HANNAH Okay, time to go. Liz doesn't move. LIZ I'll go home with you, you can call me Hannah, I don't give a CRAP -- HANNAH Liz! LIZ (whispering to him) Another time, maybe. GIGGLING, the girls leave the bar. 7 INT. LEXUS SUV 7 Still driving, Tracy looks at Cal. He remains silent. TRACY I'm unhappy, Cal. I've tried not to be. We've been married so long, somewhere we became... stagnant, you know? He keeps staring straight ahead. TRACY Okay, you're not talking and you know that only makes me talk more. Maybe that's good, maybe that's good. Okay... (MORE) (CONTINUED) 8. 7 CONTINUED: 7 TRACY (CONT'D) (THEN) There's this person. No response. TRACY We've been spending time together. Lunches, meetings, that kind of stuff... Silence. She closes her eyes tightly. TRACY I slept with him. Kind of. Tracy opens one eye, taking a peek. Nothing. TRACY No, no kind of. I can't believe I said kind of. That's just not something you do in a kind of way. I slept with someone. There. I said it. I slept with someone. Oh God. It's the worst thing I've ever done but it feels so good to say out loud. I slept with someone. I SLEPT with someone. I slept with SOMEONE. I slept with ... please stop me, please say something. No reaction. TRACY David Jacobowitz. From work. You met him at the Christmas party. You remember that party? They had the giant paper-maché wreath? I kept asking the decorator how he made it? You wore that sweater -- Finally, Cal speaks -- CAL Please stop. TRACY The last person in the world I'd ever want to hurt was you, Cal -- CAL If you keep talking, I'm going to get out of the car. (CONTINUED) 9. 7 CONTINUED: (2) 7 TRACY But the fact that I did, that it could happen at all, I think it just shows how broken we are and -- CAL Okay. Just like that, Cal OPENS THE DOOR to the moving car and, simply, steps out. Tracy SCREAMS as Cal goes flying. She screeches to a stop as he tumbles to the curb in her rearview mirror. 8 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 8 Tracy runs to him. He's on the curb, BLOODIED but okay. TRACY Are you out of your mind!? He looks up at her, pleading. CAL I'll leave tonight, I'll sign whatever you want me to sign, if you'll just stop talking about it. She touches his bloody forehead, affectionate. There's still something here. TRACY Okay. CAL Okay. He stands, limps back to the car. 9 INT. THE WEAVER HOUSE 9 Meanwhile, Jessica sits on the living room couch. Robbie ENTERS, stands there. He's a precocious, adorable, masturbation-addicted, thirteen-year-old. ROBBIE I'm sorry that you had to see that. She keeps staring straight ahead. JESSICA I should have knocked. (CONTINUED) 10. 9 CONTINUED: 9 Silence. After a long beat. ROBBIE For the record: I think about you while I do it -- JESSICA Robbie! ROBBIE I have a picture of you and I look at it the whole time -- JESSICA Stop it! ROBBIE I love you, Jessica. And I know you're seventeen, and I know I just turned thirteen, which is the same age as your little brother, and you're technically my baby- sitter, but someday soon our age difference will be inconsequential which is good because... JESSICA ROBBIE -- ROBBIE I'm pretty sure you're my soulmate. She stops, looks at him and smiles gently. JESSICA Listen, Robbie -- LIZ (O.S.) We're home. ROBBIE Shit. Jessica jumps off the couch. JESSICA Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver. How was dinner... (NOTICING) Oh my God, Mr. Weaver, you're bleeding. Why are you bleeding? (CONTINUED) 11. 9 CONTINUED: (2) 9 CAL Mrs. Weaver told me she wants a divorce so I jumped out of the car. Hope the kids behaved. Come on, I'll drive you home. Robbie steps INTO FRAME. ROBBIE Dad? CAL Oh. I didn't know you were here. ROBBIE You're getting divorced? CAL Yes. TRACY Cal! ROBBIE And you jumped out of a car? CAL A moving car, yes. TRACY Cal! CAL (TO ROBBIE) I'm sorry you found out this way. ROBBIE I'm sorry you jumped out of a car. CAL Thanks. (THEN) Jessica, you got your coat? JESSICA Uh-huh. 10 INT. LEXUS SUV - LATER 10 Cal drives now. Jessica in the front. Awkward. Finally, Cal starts talking to himself. Almost shell- shocked. (CONTINUED) 12. 10 CONTINUED: 10 CAL We'll talk to the kids tomorrow. Tell them we're separating. Just separating. We'll do it together. He thinks. CAL I'll have to tell Nanna. Uch, she's gonna be crushed. But not right now. She's got enough to worry about... He trails off. Another long beat of silence, then he remembers his company and turns toward Jessica. CAL (WITH ENERGY) So, I hear Stanford early admission, huh. I know your dad is so proud. JESSICA Yeah. (THEN) You're bleeding real bad, Mr. Weaver. She goes to touch his eye. Out of nowhere... he starts BANGING THE SHIT out of his steering wheel. CAL David Jacobowitz! Are you kidding me!? DAVID FUCKING JACOBOWITZ! GOD DAMN HER! He calms down, slowly. Pulls up to a DRIVEWAY. CAL Sorry about that. JESSICA It's okay. Jessica reaches for the door, but stops. She takes a deep breath, adorable. JESSICA Mr. Weaver, I know you don't know me very well, but I've been baby- sitting for your family for three years. You're the nicest dad of any of the families I baby-sit for, by a country mile. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 13. 10 CONTINUED: (2) 10 JESSICA (CONT'D) You're funny, and you're always really generous, and you're the only dad who's excited -- genuinely excited -- to check on his kids when he gets home from dinner. Now I like Mrs. Weaver, I like her a lot, but if she wants to divorce you, well... then I think she's batshit crazy. Cal smiles, distracted but grateful. JESSICA In fact -- and, I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable -- I think I've even developed a LITTLE CRUS-- CAL (NOT LISTENING) Hey: do me a favor -- can you not mention what's going on between Mrs. Weaver and I to your parents? It's probably better they hear it from us. Okay? JESSICA Uh-huh. CAL That's my girl. Jessica awkwardly gets out of the car. CAL Hey, Jessica? Thanks for listening. She smiles, turns back. She freezes when she sees... He's holding CASH out the window to pay her. CAL You put this to that fake ID you'll need up at Stanford. And with a sad wink, he drives off -- leaving her standing there, lovelorn and forty-five dollars richer. CUT TO: 11 INT. BAR - LATER 11 Cal sits at the bar, drinking away his sorrows. He's disheveled, a bit wobbly. He motions for the BARTENDER. (CONTINUED) 14. 11 CONTINUED: 11 BARTENDER Another vodka cranberry? CAL Yes. Just... yes. A GIRL (30s) approaches the bar. Cal taps her shoulder, a drunken train-wreck waiting to happen. CAL Guess what? GIRL What? CAL My wife is having intercourse with someone who isn't me. GIRL I'm sorry to hear that. CAL That's very nice of you to say. She just told me tonight, obviously it came as a bit of a shock and you're not listening anymore. The Girl has turned back to a group of friends. CAL I bet you wouldn't ignore me if I were David Jacobowitz. My wife doesn't ignore David Jacobowitz. (to no one) She screws him. Something catches Cal's eye across the bar. We PAN TO... JACOB PALMER wearing his two thousand dollar suit, he's now got TWO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN fawning over him at his table. Cal takes him in for a long beat, turns back to the bartender, and decides: CAL (RE: JACOB) Gay. 15. 12 EXT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - MORNING 12 You know these places: basically a "strip" of identical housing units -- usually occupied by newly-divorced dads. A WOMAN (60s) gives Cal the tour. WOMAN So it's pretty no-frills. Unit 2 is a lot like unit 1 except you're downstairs so... the ground is closer. Which is nice. 13 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER 13 The most depressing, empty, beige place ever. CAL I guess the price is right. WOMAN Yeah, well, tons of divorced guys here. You'll fit right in. Cal SIGHS, un-enthused. CAL I'll take it. WOMAN Ooh, the gym has an elliptical machine... I assume you want to get back in shape? Cal looks down, embarrassed. CAL I guess. WOMAN Great! I'll let you know when they fix it. 14 INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON 14 Cal sits at his desk, doing paperwork. His BOSS ENTERS. BOSS Cal, I just got the weekly sales report, good good good! You really killed this quarter! (MORE) (CONTINUED) 16. 14 CONTINUED: 14 BOSS (CONT'D) Keep it up you're going to be sitting in my seat by year's end. Really great, Cal. Seriously. CAL Who told you Tracy and I were getting a divorce? BOSS (RELIEVED) Divorce! That's it. Amy heard you crying in the bathroom. We all thought it was cancer. Thank God. CAL I have to go buy furniture now. Cal stands, EXITS. BOSS Go for it! (then, calling after) It could have been cancer, buddy! 15 INT. FURNITURE STORE - LATER 15 Cal is sitting on a plain, faux-modern couch. He's staring into space. A SALESMAN APPROACHES. SALESMAN Can I help you, sir? CAL My wife is sleeping with David Jacobowitz. I need a couch. SALESMAN Ooh, I understand. Can I give you a word of advice, one divorced man to another? If you don't mind? CAL Sure. SALESMAN Get the matching chaise, killer deal. He pats the adjacent piece. Cal processes this. CAL I want it in beige. (CONTINUED) 17. 15 CONTINUED: 15 SALESMAN I'll write you up. 16 INT. BAR - NIGHT 16 Cal's back at the bar, sipping on his drink. He looks absolutely exhausted. He looks across the bar. At his usual table, Jacob is now wooing a NEW WOMAN. Cal shakes his head, amazed at this guy's chutzpah. A GUY grabs the open bar stool next to Cal. Cal reacts. CAL Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm waiting for a friend. GUY You've been holding the seat for an hour. CAL (TOO LOUD) Yeah, well, my wife is screwing David Jacobowitz so eat me. The guy shrugs, walks away. Cal looks at his watch, puts a napkin on his drink, and stands. 17 INT. BATHROOM - LATER 17 Cal pees. Jacob steps INTO FRAME in the adjacent urinal. Cal does a friendly "I'm peeing next to you" nod. Then: CAL Can't help but notice that you're always surrounded by women. Multiple women. Jacob doesn't even turn. CAL I'm getting divorced. Or, in the process. Gonna be single again. Nothing. CAL Any advice? JACOB Yeah. (CONTINUED) 18. 17 CONTINUED: 17 Jacob zips, flushes, turns. JACOB Don't start conversations with people while they're pissing. He walks away, washes his hands, EXITS. A beat, then: CAL (TO HIMSELF) So gay. DISSOLVE TO: 18 INT. BAR - LATER 18 Cal's a few drinks in now. The door to the bar opens as BERNIE (late 40s) rushes in. An oak tree of a man. He's carrying a SHOPPING BAG. BERNIE Sorry I'm late, I had to pick something up from Macy's. CAL Don't worry about it, here, sit, I've been guarding this stool with my life. Bernie sits, looks uncomfortable. CAL It's good to see you, man. I've called you a few times. It's been a rough couple of days, obviously. Nothing I could use more than my old pal Bernie to unload on. Hey, we should play racquetball, when's the last time we played racquetball? BERNIE Claire won't let me be friends with you anymore. Cal takes this in. CAL I'm sorry, what? BERNIE She said we had to choose between you and Tracy. I chose you. She said no. (CONTINUED) 19. 18 CONTINUED: 18 He pulls a WRAPPED PACKAGE from the bag, hands it to Cal. BERNIE It's cologne. CAL Are you breaking up with me? BERNIE Claire's waiting in the car. Um... there's a gift receipt in there. Sorry. Bernie stands, awkwardly. He pats Cal on the shoulder, lingers a beat too long, then simply turns and EXITS. Cal is left alone. He raises a finger at the Bartender. CAL Do you have anything with a worm in it? Because I'd like a gallon of that now. ON JACOB Legs crossed, martini in hand, he's been watching Cal get dumped this whole time. He PANS UP from Cal's feet. The white sneakers. Bad navy blue dress socks. Dad khakis. An ill-fitting, untucked, dress shirt. Half-lidded eyes. Rumpled hair. Jacob shakes his head. Jesus Christ. He says something to THE WOMAN who currently sits at the table. She nods, gets up and walks away. BACK TO CAL As the Bartender pours him a second shot. He's now showing pictures from his wallet to the Bartender. CAL This is my youngest, Molly. Her two favorite things are High School Musical and her mother. I hate both of her two favorite things. A SHARP WHISTLE interrupts. Cal turns, sees Jacob. Jacob motions for Cal to come over. Every move Jacob makes is practiced, perfectly cool. (CONTINUED) 20. 18 CONTINUED: (2) 18 Cal points at himself: "Me?" Jacob nods: "Yep." Cal SHRUGS, stands, and wobbles over towards Jacob. JACOB Jacob Palmer. CAL CAL WEA-- JACOB I'd like to buy you a drink, Cal. CAL I already have a drink. JACOB Let me buy you a drink, Cal. CAL Okay. Jacob motions to the Bartender who NODS. Cal SITS. CAL My wife is cheating on me with -- JACOB David Jacobowitz, yes, Cal, I've heard. We've all heard. For the last two nights, I've watched you batter every poor soul in this bar with your sad-sack loser sob story. Cal takes this in. He STANDS. CAL You know what, I don't need this CRAP -- JACOB Sit down, Cal. CAL Okay. Cal sits. Jacob's that powerful. Cal's that drunk. (CONTINUED) 21. 18 CONTINUED: (3) 18 JACOB Cal, I'm going to make you an offer, it's probably the best offer you're ever going to get, and you're extremely drunk, so it's wildly important that you don't answer until I've finished and you've taken a few moments to process what I'm saying. Do you understand? Cal goes to answer, Jacob holds up a finger. Cal stops himself. Once he's settled, Jacob continues: JACOB As I said, I've been watching you for two days now and I can say, without hesitation, that you are the sorriest man I've ever seen in my life -- don't interrupt, Cal, it's the truth, and you need to hear it. You're sitting there with your Supercut haircut, getting drunk on watered down vodka-cranberries like a fourteen- year-old girl, wearing a 41R jacket when you should be wearing a 40L -- I don't know if I want to help you or euthanize you -- stop drinking out of the goddamn straw, Cal. Cal stops drinking from the wimpy red straw. JACOB You asked me for advice before, Cal, so I'm going to help you. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just bored. Maybe all my friends have abandoned me for wives and children and labradoodle puppies, who cares why? Why doesn't matter. The point is, you've got a good face, and a good head of hair, and I'm bored as hell and need a project. So if you want, I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you remember when it was that you lost it? Cal shakes "no." (CONTINUED) 22. 18 CONTINUED: (4) 18 JACOB Doesn't matter, we'll find it. And when we do, when I'm through with you, that wife of yours is going to rue the day she decided to give up on you too early. That's my offer. What do you say? Cal stares at him blankly. A long beat of silence. Cal goes for a drink, almost uses the straw... then catches himself. He puts down the drink. Looks up. CAL Yeah, okay. JACOB Mall food court, Thursday, six o'clock. CAL I'm sorry, what? Jacob downs his drink, nods at THE WOMAN (now nearby). JACOB You ready to go? She nods, subservient, and follows him out. Cal shakes his head, picks up his drink, and slurps the rest of his vodka cranberry out of the straw. 19 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - DAY (ONE WEEK LATER) 19 A well-maintained yard, bordered by shrubs and bushes. A long driveway runs parallel to the yard. A medium-sized U-HAUL is parked in the driveway. Cal EXITS the back door, carrying a BOX. He loads it into the U-haul and takes a last look back at: HIS BACKYARD A weathered playground sits off to the side. You can tell it hasn't been used in quite some time. Baseball equipment lays all over, the site of many father-son catches. An oft-used barbecue next to the house. You can tell a lot about this family from seeing this backyard. You like this family a lot from seeing this backyard. (CONTINUED) 23. 19 CONTINUED: 19 TRACY (O.S.) Cal? Cal looks up. Tracy approaches. She's wearing sweats. It's pretty obvious that she's been crying. Awkward silence. Neither knows what to say. TRACY I just wanted to say that... Her voice cracks. She turns away. TRACY Shit. She gathers herself. Cal steps forward. Instinct tells him to comfort his wife but he can't anymore and he stops himself. She realizes this. There's something harsh and complicated about the reality of it all. Tracy looks at the U-HAUL, wipes her eyes and tries to lighten things. TRACY Do you want me to back that thing out of the driveway for you? CAL I'll be fine. TRACY You have trouble in reverse is all. CAL It was two times -- TRACY Three if you count my father's foot. CAL I did that on purpose. TRACY I knew it. They smile, in rhythm for a moment. Then they realize, stop smiling. Cal turns awkwardly. CAL Once I'm settled, I'll get the kids so they can see the place. He walks to the truck. Tracy's voice stops him. (CONTINUED) 24. 19 CONTINUED: (2) 19 TRACY I think I'm have a mid-life crisis maybe. Can women have mid-life crisis? CAL (AVOIDING ENGAGEMENT) Make sure the lawn gets enough water. TRACY In the movies it's always men having them and buying ridiculous yellow Porsches, but I'm not a man and I really don't want a yellow PORSCHE -- CAL You have to fertilize once a month. Not twice a month, not once every two months. She takes a deep breath, finding her balance. TRACY We got married so young, Cal. And I'm forty-one. And that's so much older than I thought I'd be. CAL The sprinklers turn off behind you. TRACY And I got really upset with an umpire at Molly's t-ball game last month -- like really upset, like I screamed at him and wished he would die -- and I started feeling like the person I promised I wouldn't turn into, you know? CAL If it rains a lot, you need to shut off the automatic setting. TRACY And we haven't been us, not for a long time. And I don't know when you and I stopped being `us' but... I mean, do you? Cal finally turns and looks at her. (CONTINUED) 25. 19 CONTINUED: (3) 19 CAL I think it was when you screwed David Jacobowitz. Ouch. Tracy's face registers the blow, but she nods: she also understands it. CAL Make sure my azaleas get enough sun. Cal turns, gets in the U-HAUL, and backs out... And immediately crashes into the neighboring FENCE. 20 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - EVENING 20 Cal leads in Molly and Robbie. CAL Okay, well, this is it. What do you think? Didn't have a lot of time to house-hunt, but... They look around his depressing, beige apartment. A pathetic TV plays the Disney Channel in the corner. CAL There's a second bedroom with twin beds so you two can stay over whenever you want! Anytime! ROBBIE So... you're like, actually going to live here? Molly looks like she's going to cry. CAL Hey, hey. Come on now, you'll visit all the time. Every weekend. It won't be that bad. MOLLY Don't you love us anymore? Cal takes Molly's face in his hands, starts tearing up. CAL Listen, baby. What's happening with your mommy and I... it's not what either of us wanted, not what either of us planned. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 26. 20 CONTINUED: 20 CAL (CONT'D) But you need to understand that you kids have done nothing wron-- MOLLY TROY! She bolts past Cal to the TV, where ZAC EFRON is on- screen, prancing about in a basketball uniform. Robbie and Cal stand there, awkwardly. ROBBIE Don't take it personally. That show's like crack to her. Cal NODS. ROBBIE You okay? CAL You? Robbie shrugs. ROBBIE Can I say something with a curse? One time? CAL Yeah. Why not? Robbie NODS, takes a deep breath. ROBBIE Love is fucked. Cal LAUGHS, a bit of tension relieved. CAL Is that so? You in love, buddy? ROBBIE Well, if you must know -- JESSICA (O.S.) Ding dong. They turn -- it's Jessica, the baby-sitter. ROBBIE What is she doing here? CAL Oh, right, hey, Jess, thanks for COMING -- (MORE) (CONTINUED) 27. 20 CONTINUED: (2) 20 CAL (CONT'D) (back to Robbie) I have to run out really quickly, just for a few hours, and your mother wants you to stay here while she's out hooking -- ROBBIE What? CAL Huh? JESSICA (CHANGING TOPICS) The place is... nice, Mr. Weaver. CAL Yes, well, that's a generous adjective, thank you. (TO ROBBIE) Anyhow, Jess is gonna keep an eye on you guys for a few. ROBBIE But I don't need a babysitter! She's only four years older than me! You need to know that! She needs to know that! CAL I know, buddy. Cal musses Robbie's hair. CAL My little boy's growing up, Jess. He's in love already, can you believe it? Uch. Robbie thumps the wall with his head, dying. CAL Molly, say bye-bye to Daddy? No response, she's glued to the television. ROBBIE Wait, where are you going? CAL I'm, uh... I decided to take a class. (CONTINUED) 28. 20 CONTINUED: (3) 20 JESSICA That's great, Mr. Weaver. It's a difficult time for you, it's important that you find new interests, try new things, maybe things you'd never have considered trying before... Cal looks down, Jessica has her hand on his shoulder. It's a bit odd. She realizes, takes it off. CAL Okay, well... Molly, last chance!? But Molly is still locked on Efron. CAL That's my angel. Back in a few. ROBBIE But, Dad -- CAL Nope. The door slams. Robbie stands there with Jessica, awkward. Tries to maintain some semblance of cool. ROBBIE I don't need a baby-sitter. JESSICA I know, Robbie. An awkward beat, then. ROBBIE I love you so much -- JESSICA Jesus Christ. 21 EXT. SHOPPING MALL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 21 Cal pulls into the parking lot, grabs a space. CAL What am I doing? 22 INT. SHOPPING MALL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 22 He ENTERS, still going. (CONTINUED) 29. 22 CONTINUED: 22 CAL What the hell am I doing? He walks past a CHEESECAKE FACTORY. Inside is... Hannah (girl from the bar who Jacob tried picking up). 23 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 23 She's sitting at a table with Liz (her friend) and a GROUP OF REALLY BORING WHITE PEOPLE in suits. There are SMALL GIFTS in front of Hannah. Holding her hand is an average guy (33), her boyfriend, RICHARD. We PICK UP mid-conversation. RICHARD I think you're wrong. I think that's Tucker. WHITE MAN No, no, no. Chris Rock is the stand-up comedian. Chris Tucker is the actor. WHITE WOMAN Is it racist that I can't tell them apart? Liz nods her head "yes" at Hannah. Hannah stifles a LAUGH. Liz stands. LIZ Well, Richard: thank you for inviting me to Hannah's `goodbye' party. The conversation has been riveting, like stepping back in time. Before I go, a toast. She holds up her glass, toasting. LIZ Sweetie: go into your hole and study your cute little ass off for that bar exam. We'll see you when you emerge. RICHARD She's gonna kick that bar's butt! All the dorks CHEER. Liz SHRUGS. LIZ Yeah, okay. (CONTINUED) 30. 23 CONTINUED: 23 Liz CHUGS her drink, turns to Hannah. HANNAH (SMILING) I'll walk you out. Before they clear... RICHARD Hey, Liz? When my girl passes, we're gonna have another little celebration, right here. Hope you can make it. It's going to be a special night. LIZ Richard, you just give me a heads- up so I can get really drunk before-hand, okay? RICHARD You know it! Hannah leads Liz out of the restaurant, WHISPERS: HANNAH Did you hear that? `It's going to be a special night.' You think he's going to propose? LIZ At the Cheesecake Factory? Oh God, I hope not. (THEN) Why? Do you really want him to? Hannah SHRUGS. HANNAH He's nice. LIZ Yeah, well... Jesus. Really? (with a shrug) Okay. Not my life, I love you, call me if you need anything. Liz KISSES her goodbye, EXITS. Hannah looks at her table. Everyone is typing on their BLACKBERRIES. She SIGHS, heads to rejoin them. 31. 24 INT. FOOD COURT 24 Meanwhile, Cal sees Jacob, standing against a pole in the food court. Jacob is eating pizza, cool as ever. JACOB You're late. (then, offering) Sbarro's? CAL No thanks. So what exactly are WE -- JACOB How much money can you afford to spend on clothes today? CAL I dunno. Five hundred? JACOB Three thousand. CAL Okay. JACOB We'll start with shoes. Let me see those sneakers you're wearing. Cal holds up his foot. JACOB Take them off. Cal bends down, takes one off. JACOB (CHEWING) Other one too, please? Cal does as he's told. Jacob holds out his hands. Cal SHRUGS, hands Jacob the shoes. Jacob simply turns and throws them over the railing. CAL What the hell!? JACOB Are you in a fraternity, Cal? CAL Those were my favorite shoes. (CONTINUED) 32. 24 CONTINUED: 24 JACOB ARE YOU IN A FRATERNITY, CAL!? CAL No. JACOB Are you Steve Jobs? CAL What? JACOB ARE YOU THE BILLIONAIRE OWNER OF APPLE COMPUTERS? CAL No. I'm not Steve Jobs. JACOB Then you don't need to walk around in New Balance Sneaker, ever. Let's go. 25 INT. SHOE STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 25 Cal (barefoot) follows Jacob around the store. CAL I think this whole thing might have been a bad idea. Jacob ignores him, grabs a pair of BLACK DRESS SHOES. JACOB Any man can rebuild his entire wardrobe with sixteen simple items. CAL Ha! I think I read that in GQ. JACOB You did. I wrote it. CAL Really? Jacob CHUCKLES. Cal CHUCKLES back, clearly unsure what the chuckle symbolizes. JACOB Numbers one and two: pair of dress shoes, pair of loafers. (CONTINUED) 33. 25 CONTINUED: 25 Cal is looking at a pair of ARGYLE SOCKS. CAL I'm sorry, I'm lost: do you really write for GQ? Jacob slaps Cal's hand, knocking the socks away. JACOB Your credit card please? MONTAGE - FROM STORE TO STORE We watch as Jacob narrates the wardrobe essentials (and as Cal's arms get progressively fuller) in each store. 26 IN A SUIT STORE 26 Cal gets fitted. JACOB (V.O.) Two suits: one black, one grey. One sports jacket, navy preferred. Jacob leans in toward the tailor. JACOB Take it in there... and there. 27 AT ANOTHER STORE 27 Cal holds jeans in front of him, eyes them suspiciously. JACOB (V.O.) One pair of quality jeans. CAL These are two hundred and thirty dollars. Can't we just go to the Gap? He looks up. Jacob is gone. SMASH CUT TO: 28 EXT. MALL - MOMENTS LATER 28 Cal runs outside. Jacob is already halfway to the car. CAL I'm sorry! Don't leave! (CONTINUED) 34. 28 CONTINUED: 28 Jacob immediately heads back inside and answers: JACOB No, Cal. We can't just go to the Gap. CAL What's wrong with the Gap? JACOB In Hell, every store is the Gap, that's what's wrong with the Gap, Cal. It's lowest common denominator. Be better than the fucking Gap, Cal. 29 IN A NEW STORE 29 Jacob holds up a pair of beige slacks. JACOB (V.O.) One pair of chinos. CHING. A cash register DINGS. JACOB (V.O.) Four dress shirts. CHING. CHING. CHING. CHING. Cal's arms are filling. JACOB (V.O.) Three casual button-downs. CHING. CHING. CHING. In a dressing room shirts come flying over the wall at Cal. 30 A NEW STORE 30 Cal struggles to get a sweater over his neck. JACOB (V.O.) Two v-neck cashmere sweaters, and finally, a long overcoat. Cal stands there in an overcoat and sweater. CAL I'm very warm. 31 IN A BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE 31 Jacob leads Cal through the store. He tosses him a TUBE. (CONTINUED) 35. 31 CONTINUED: 31 JACOB You rub this in around your eyes every night and every morning. CAL What does it do? JACOB (SARCASTIC) It gives you x-ray vision, Cal. (THEN) It tightens things up. The skin around your eyes looks like Milton Berle's ballsack. Cal stops, examines his eyes in a mirror. CAL Oh my God, it does. 32 IN A SALON 32 Cal is getting his hair cut at a fancy salon. The HAIRDRESSER is young, hip, and beautiful. CAL I like to use a number four on the sides and the back, go longer on the top. JACOB Oh, okay. Thanks for that, Vidal Sassoon. Tiffany, hon? Scissor cut, tight on sides, get him some texture up top, take off about... He touches Cal's hair, measures it between his fingers. CAL Eww. JACOB ... inch off the top. TIFFANY Yes, sir. CAL BUT -- Tiffany starts chopping. 36. 33 INT. SALON - LATER 33 Jacob and Tiffany wait for Cal (inside a changing room). JACOB What are you putting on? CAL (O.S.) Items one, three, eleven, and fourteen. JACOB Perfect. (then, to Tiffany) You smell great by the way. TIFFANY (SMITTEN) Thanks. JACOB What are you doing tonight? TIFFANY I don't know. JACOB That's okay, I do. She GIGGLES. Cal calls out. CAL (O.S.) Seriously? You just ask her out like that? JACOB Yes, Cal, just like that. CAL (O.S.) And it works? JACOB TIFFANY Yes. Yes. CAL (O.S.) Crazy. (THEN) Okay, I feel kind of stupid but... The DRESSING ROOM DOOR opens. We TILT UP... FROM expensive shoes, TO pants, TO fitted sweater over a fitted shirt and bright tie. The new haircut... A new man. He looks... unbelievable. (CONTINUED) 37. 33 CONTINUED: 33 TIFFANY Wow. JACOB Yep. CAL Can I blouse out the shirt a little? I like to blouse out my shirts a little. JACOB Shut up, Cal. (TO TIFFANY) You'd fuck him, right? CAL (HORRIFIED) Jesus! TIFFANY Yeah, probably. CAL Tiffany! (then, realizing) You would!? Tiffany SHRUGS. JACOB You see that, Cal? The simple act of opening your mouth instantly causes Tiffany to lose interest in sleeping with you. Your personality is actually your weakest link. Cal takes this in. CAL Well, that's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me. JACOB No, Cal. The meanest thing anyone's ever said to you is this: your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of what it took to keep her content at home -- as a man, as a husband, and probably as a lover. Cal's lower lip begins to quiver. (CONTINUED) 38. 33 CONTINUED: (2) 33 CAL Yeah, okay, that was meaner. CUT TO: 34 INT. BAR - NEXT NIGHT 34 Cal sits next to Jacob. Cal is wearing his new "outfit." He looks great, but not yet comfortable in his new "gear." Jacob, on the other hand, looks like he's walked out of a men's magazine. And he knows it. Cal looks at Jacob. CAL I notice you only button your shirts up, like, halfway. I can't pull that off, right? JACOB No. Listen, Cal, I'm going to be calling women over to our table shortly. Cal rubs his hands together, nervous. CAL We should have some background on each other, no? I'm in insurance, more on the corporate side. My kids are -- JACOB Cal, the only thing I care less about than corporate insurance are your kids. Here's the only thing I need to know: how many women have you been with? CAL Sexually? JACOB Yes. CAL In my entire life? JACOB No, synchronized swimming. Yes, Cal. Sexually. Cal thinks. He MUMBLES to himself, counting it out on one hand. (CONTINUED) 39. 34 CONTINUED: 34 He smiles at Jacob proudly when he has to move the count to a second hand. Then: CAL One. Jacob CHORTLES. But Cal just stares at him blankly. JACOB Wow, okay... wow. (then, checking) Not at a time? Total? CAL What? I married young. We met in high school. He smiles, remembering. CAL Tracy was so damn beautiful. You know those women, the ones who can be wildly sexy and unbelievably cute all at once? I never knew how she did that. I still don't know how she does it. (THEN) Anyway, we had a bit of a hiccup our senior year but we made it -- JACOB Cal, I literally stopped listening at `Tracy.' Okay, here we go. CAL (a bit emotional) I miss my wife. JACOB Shut up, Cal. A YOUNG WOMAN slides into the booth at Jacob's side. YOUNG WOMAN Hi. JACOB Hi. Jacob Palmer. YOUNG WOMAN Amy Johnson. Cal extends his hand. (CONTINUED) 40. 34 CONTINUED: (2) 34 CAL CAL -- JACOB (QUICKLY) Don't. He pulls it back. CAL (TO HIMSELF) -- Weaver. JACOB Can I get you a drink, Amy? CUT TO: 35 A DRINK 35 gets handed over to: a NEW GIRL, on a NEW NIGHT. JACOB Tell me about yourself. What do you do? NEW GIRL Does it really matter? JACOB It does to me. She looks up. He looks completely earnest, repeats: JACOB It does to me. She smiles. PAN TO CAL: just sitting there watching, horrified. 36 BACK TO JACOB 36 Now with NEWER GIRL. NEWER GIRL And that's when I started writing the column for LA Weekly. God, how long have I been talking? Jacob takes her hand. (CONTINUED) 41. 36 CONTINUED: 36 JACOB Listen, I'm going to be honest: it's getting late and I think you're interesting. I also think you're one of those rare women who manages to be both wildly sexy and incredibly cute all at once. ON CAL Mouth agape. That was his line! ON JACOB JACOB Let's get out of here. I know it's forward of me but just... I think we should get out of here. She thinks, then NODS. NEWER GIRL Okay. FLASH CUT TO: 37 THE SECOND GIRL 37 JACOB I think we should get out of here. NEW GIRL Okay. FLASH CUT TO: 38 THE FIRST GIRL 38 JACOB I think we should get out of here. FIRST GIRL Okay. 38A BACK TO CAL 38A waving goodbye awkwardly as Jacob leaves with each of the girls (IN QUICK CUTS). Finally: (CONTINUED) 42. 38A CONTINUED: 38A Cal just sits there, completely alone. But then A PRETTY GIRL arrives at his table. Cal looks up, smiles. She smiles back, then: She drops THE BILL on the table. She's a waitress. And he's been left with the tab. CUT TO: 39 INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON (ONE WEEK LATER) 39 ON THE BLACKBOARD: "SCARLET LETTER, THEMES." Robbie Weaver sits at his 8th grade desk. In the b.g., we hear a FEMALE TEACHER drone on about The Scarlet Letter. Under his desk, Robbie is TEXTING. INTERCUT WITH: 40 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - JESSICA 40 receiving the text. ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN The text: "Hi, Jessica. FYI: Demi Moore is 15 yrs older than Ashton K. They seem really happy. Love, Robbie." Her phone BEEPS with a NEW TEXT: "P.S. did you know Demi Moore starred in the movie version of The Scarlet Letter?" Her phone BEEPS a third time: "She shows boob :-)" She SIGHS. 41 BACK TO ROBBIE 41 Pleased with himself. The FEMALE TEACHER drones on in the b.g. TEACHER (O.S.) While Hester is forced to wear a scarlet `A' as punishment for adultery, Reverend Dimmesdale's `A' is self-inflicted -- Robbie's PHONE BEEPS. A "NEW MESSAGE." Robbie smiles. (CONTINUED) 43. 41 CONTINUED: 41 ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN The text: "Robbie: please stop. U r making me very uncomfortable." BACK TO SCENE Robbie stares at the screen, crestfallen. TEACHER (O.S.) Mr. Weaver? Are we interrupting? Robbie looks up: the WHOLE CLASS is staring at him. TEACHER (O.S.) Mr. Weaver! Slowly, Robbie stands. We HEAD IN TIGHT ON him. ROBBIE You want to talk about The Scarlet Letter, Mrs. Thompson? Here you go: the `A' they're both wearing -- I think it stands for ASSHOLE. Wanna know why? Because they're in love, and love is for stupid ASSHOLES. So thanks for choosing this book, Mrs. Thompson, because this is what I need right now: to read a boring, confusing book about a bunch of stupid assholes who fell in love, like assholes, and then had to die, like assholes. I'm sorry for cursing. CUT TO: 42 INT. TRACY'S OFFICE - LATER 42 Tracy works at her desk. A KNOCK at her door interrupts. A TALL MAN (40's) stands there: DAVID JACOBOWITZ. DAVID JACOBOWITZ You have a second? TRACY Oh, David. I'm just a little swamped right now so... He closes the door behind him. DAVID JACOBOWITZ You've been avoiding me. (CONTINUED) 44. 42 CONTINUED: 42 TRACY No, I haven't. DAVID JACOBOWITZ You ran away in the other direction when you saw me coming down the hall yesterday. (BEAT) You're very fast by the way. She SIGHS, gives up. TRACY I ran track in high school. DAVID JACOBOWITZ That must be it. He turns serious. DAVID JACOBOWITZ I'm sorry about you and Cal. TRACY Thank you. DAVID JACOBOWITZ I'm also not sorry, if I'm being completely honest. (GATHERING HIMSELF) I want to make sure you know how much I like you. TRACY No, I do -- DAVID JACOBOWITZ A lot. Just to clarify. I like you a lot. I had no intention of falling for a married woman. I just wanted someone to go to lunch with who didn't make me want to shoot myself in the face. But we started having lunch, and talking, and suddenly I was an accountant who was popping out of bed in the morning, excited to get to work. That doesn't happen to accountants. Ever. I've checked with other accountants. She smiles. (CONTINUED) 45. 42 CONTINUED: (2) 42 DAVID JACOBOWITZ So when the time is right for you to get back out there again, officially, I just... I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. Officially. That sounded weird. Tracy LAUGHS lightly, leans forward. TRACY David, you've been a great friend to me. And you were the first man in a very long time to make me feel... noticed, I guess? What happened between us that night... it meant something to me. You weren't the only one excited to come to work lately. David smiles. TRACY But now, when I see you, all I see is his face. All I see when I look at you is what I did to my marriage. She's losing it, wipes her eyes. TRACY You see this? I'm saving you from disaster, David, `cause you're asking to pre-board the Titanic. Honestly, do you really want any part of this? Before he can answer... BUZZ! It's Tracy's phone. ASSISTANT (V.O.) Your son's school on two. Tracy quickly picks up phone. As she talks, David scribbles something on a postcard, EXITS. TRACY (INTO PHONE) Right, okay. No, I understand. Of course, right away. She HANGS UP, looks at the Post-It. It reads, simply: "Yes." Tracy looks up, but David is gone. 46. 43 INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - LATER 43 Robbie sits, waiting. Tracy EMERGES. TRACY (calling back in) Yes, of course. Absolutely, Principal Sapienza, it won't happen again. She closes the door behind her, looks to Robbie. TRACY Seriously? ROBBIE Sorry. She SIGHS. TRACY It's been a rough couple of weeks, you deserve a freebie. C'mon, I have to get back to work. They walk out together. TRACY They still make kids read The Scarlet Letter, huh? Robbie NODS. TRACY You'd really think someone would have written something better by now. Robbie LAUGHS, the tension broken a bit. 44 INT. TRACY'S OFFICE - LATER 44 Robbie wheels around in an office chair as Tracy tries to work behind her desk. He stops, noticing a PHOTO. It's an older picture of CAL AND TRACY. They look happy. Very much in love. Tracy notices. TRACY Guess I should take it down, huh? ROBBIE I guess. (CONTINUED) 47. 44 CONTINUED: 44 Tracy NODS. She places the picture face down gently. She tries to return to her work, but can't. TRACY How is he? I've spoken to him but only about bills, or you kids, but... how is he, really? Robbie hesitates. TRACY Sorry, that's unfair. Ignore me, I'm almost done here. She turns back to her work. After a beat: ROBBIE He's dressing a lot better. Going out a lot. TRACY Oh. Well, good. That's... really good. (then, covering) We'll get take-out for dinner tonight, okay? Think about what you're in the mood for. Robbie hesitates, then adds: ROBBIE He's sad. He looks better, but... sadder, too, I think. You know? TRACY Yeah. I guess I'm pretty sad, too. ROBBIE I know. TRACY You do? ROBBIE I heard you crying the other night and... I didn't know what to do. I'm thirteen years old and... can you just tell me what I'm supposed to do in that situation? I didn't want to Google it. She smiles, shakes her head. (CONTINUED) 48. 44 CONTINUED: (2) 44 TRACY Oh God, baby, you're so much like me it's scary. You wound up with all my stuff, Robbie. I'm so sorry. ROBBIE I'm okay with being like you, Mom. I like you. She puts down her pen. Smiles sadly at Robbie. TRACY It's my fault, what happened with your father. It's grown-up stuff that I can't talk about but... it's my fault. Not his. So just... be good to him, okay? ROBBIE It'll be okay, Mom. TRACY (EMOTIONAL) You promise? He NODS, the most soulful thirteen-year-old ever. DAVID JACOBOWITZ (O.S.) Hey, they need you in the conference room for a sec... oh, sorry. They look up. It's David. Tracy gathers herself, stands. TRACY David, this is my son, Robbie. Robbie, this is David. (FORCED) We work together. Robbie takes him in, shakes his hand. TRACY I'll be right back, okay, honey? ROBBIE DAVID Okay. Okay. Awkward. Really awkward. Tracy starts to say something, thinks better of it, and EXITS. David moves into the room, sits down opposite Robbie. (CONTINUED) 49. 44 CONTINUED: (3) 44 DAVID JACOBOWITZ So, Robbie... I hear you're quite the soccer player. ROBBIE So, David... I hear you broke up my parents' marriage. He LAUGHS awkwardly, shocked. ROBBIE You are David Jacobowitz, right? From accounting? DAVID JACOBOWITZ Um, yes I am -- ROBBIE Here's the thing, David: in the end, she winds up back with my dad. He's better than you, in every category except probably math. And she still loves him. Robbie props the PHOTO of Tracy and Cal back up. DAVID JACOBOWITZ Listen, Robbie -- ROBBIE Now I know what you're thinking: `he's just in 8th grade, what does he know about love?' I know a lot more than you think, David. Just today, I had a meltdown, almost gave up on the love of my life. My dad's having his meltdown now, but long-term? He won't stop fighting for my mom any more than I won't stop sending Jessica texts that make her uncomfortable. And you need to know that. Tracy RE-ENTERS. TRACY You ready to go? ROBBIE (SUDDENLY SWEET) Mommy, can we do Chinese for dinner tonight? (CONTINUED) 50. 44 CONTINUED: (4) 44 Tracy waves to David as she and Robbie EXIT, leaving him stunned in the middle of her office, staring at: THE PHOTO OF CAL AND TRACY that Robbie has left directly in his line of sight. CUT TO: 45 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - LATE EVENING 45 Bushes rustle. Once, then twice. It's Cal, sneaking into the backyard. He takes a covert look inside the house. All is quiet. He gets to work. -- He spreads FERTILIZER on the grass. -- Trims some bushes. -- Picks off some petals from some dying flowers. It's the strangest goddamn thing you've ever seen. Finally, he finishes. ON CAL Content. His yard may not be his anymore, but it's back in order. As he takes it all in... A LIGHT pops on. Cal DIVES into a SHRUB. 46 INT. BAR - THAT NIGHT 46 Another night at the bar: Cal's in his position, Jacob in his. Cal sips his drink, staring aimlessly forward. Jacob looks at Cal. Cal looks great, more comfortable in his new "skin" than when we left him. He's drinking a martini, rather than a red-strawed vodka cranberry. A WAITRESS passes. Without speaking, Cal taps the rim of the glass, silently requesting a refill. It's a cool, practiced move... and he did it instinctively. Jacob smiles, leans forward. JACOB I think you're ready, Cal. CAL For what? (CONTINUED) 51. 46 CONTINUED: 46 JACOB To talk to a woman, take a woman home. CAL Oh, no. No, I'm not. JACOB You've been watching me do it for two weeks. CAL Yeah, well, I've been watching LeBron James for years, doesn't mean I can suddenly dunk a basketball. JACOB Cal, do you remember the part in Karate Kid, where Mr. Miagi keeps having the kid wax the car and the kid gets all bent out of shape because he doesn't see the point, but the movements were actually building blocks for throwing and blocking punches? CAL Oh God. Are you going to make me fight someone? Jacob stretches his neck, trying his patience: JACOB Cal, what's the first thing I do when a woman sits down? CAL You ask if you can buy her a drink. JACOB And what if she says no? CAL You order her a drink anyway, let it sit there. JACOB When she asks me a question about myself? (CONTINUED) 52. 46 CONTINUED: (2) 46 CAL You deflect it back to her. You never answer questions about yourself. JACOB And what happens? CAL They talk about themselves. A lot. JACOB And what do I do? CAL You act really interested. You nod a lot. JACOB And at the end of the night? CAL You compliment them, then you ask if they'd like to come back to your place. JACOB Do I ask? CAL No. You confidently tell them you'd like them to come back to your place. (THEN) Holy shit! You Mr. Miagi'd me! Jacob BOWS to Cal, Japanese style. A PRETTY WOMAN stands near their table. Jacob stands, smiles. JACOB Oh, and no talking about your job, your children, your pathetic sexual history, or David Jacobowitz. Okay, here we go... CAL What, no, I'm not ready for -- (then, to woman) Hi! Jacob has pulled her over. She's attractive, mid- thirties. (CONTINUED) 53. 46 CONTINUED: (3) 46 JACOB Cal, this is Kate. Kate, Cal. Jacob NODS at Cal ("you've got this") and leaves them. Kate SITS. Cal smiles at Kate, nervous. She smiles back. Cal MOTIONS for a waitress in the distance. CAL Can I buy you a drink, Kate? KATE (PRETTY WOMAN) Oh. No thank you. Cal smiles, portrays confidence. CAL I'm buying you a drink anyway, Kate, so you might as well tell me what you want. KATE Really, thank you but it's okay. CAL I'm guessing you're a vodka girl, am I right? Yeah? A nice dirty martini? No, no, no: a Grey Goose, rocks, extra lime? C'mon, one drink! Picture those ice cubes clinking together. Mmmm. Can't you taste it? She smiles. KATE Yes, I can but... I'm, uh, five years sober so... Cal's face drops. The WAITRESS approaches. WAITRESS What can I get -- CAL Nothing. We don't want anything. Don't come back here ever. The Waitress leaves, confused. Kate looks around, uncomfortable. She tries small-talk. KATE So... what do you do, Cal? CAL What do you do, Kate? (CONTINUED) 54. 46 CONTINUED: (4) 46 KATE I asked you first. CAL I asked you second. She LAUGHS lightly, thinks he's being funny. KATE Seriously, what do you do? CAL Seriously, what do you do? Now it's getting a little weird. KATE I'm a teacher. Now, c'mon: what do you do? Cal NODS, exaggerated. CAL Teacher. Interesting. I'm very interested in teaching. KATE I'm sorry, are you not going to tell me what you do? He's still nodding, as if fascinated. CAL A teacher with an alcohol dependency no less, I bet that's actually more common than people realize... KATE I should get back to my friends -- Kate STANDS. Cal puts his face in his hands. CAL I'm sorry! I'm supposed to deflect your questions... oh screw it: I'm in corporate insurance. And I have children. Plural. More than one. The only thing I have ONE of, is sexual partners, that would be the woman I recently separated from because she was cheating on me with David Jacobowitz who I wasn't supposed to tell you about either. (CONTINUED) 55. 46 CONTINUED: (5) 46 Kate turns back, curious. KATE What were you supposed to tell me? CAL I don't know: that you're a perfect combination of sexy and cute -- it was something I said about my wife that's since been corrupted. But I'm tired, and I'm at least fifteen years older than you, and this sweater is called slim fitting but it's really just uncomfortable and itchy. KATE You think I'm a perfect combination of sexy and cute? Cal looks up. CAL That's what you took away from that? She smiles, sits back down. KATE Wow, an actual honest man. I don't know what to do with that. It's kind of... rare around here. (THEN) It's nice, actually. CAL It is? KATE You have no idea. I'm kind of a magnet for these jerk-offs. They charm me, and I fall for it, and at some point they just... never call me again. CAL (GENUINE) I don't understand. Look at you. Who wouldn't call you again? She looks up. It's not a line, it's a genuine compliment. She smiles warmly. Holy shit, Cal is in! (CONTINUED) 56. 46 CONTINUED: (6) 46 KATE So... what were you `supposed' to do next? CAL Well, eventually I'm `supposed' to ask you if you want to get out of here. Actually no, I'm supposed to tell you, confidently, that you should come home with me. KATE Why don't you give it a shot, see what happens? Cal looks up, surprised. He clears his throat, then: CAL You're very pretty, Kate. And I can't tell if you're being serious, but I think you should come home with me. KATE (PLAYFUL) Ask me again. Cal smiles and leans forward, faux-confident. CAL I'm not asking you, Kate. I'm telling you: you should come home with me. Kate looks up, genuinely turned-on. CUE MUSIC: "SEXYBACK" by Justin Timberlake. SMASH CUT TO: 47 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - LATER 47 Cal and Kate BARGE in, passionately kissing. CAL (gasping for breath) This is my dumpy apartment that I had to move into when I left my wife. (CONTINUED) 57. 47 CONTINUED: 47 KATE (TURNED ON) I love that you're being so honest. It's so different, so hot. CAL I've never been with a woman besides my ex-wife. KATE More, tell me more. CAL I'm worried you have AIDS. She stops. CAL Only a little. She pushes him down on the couch, takes her sweater off. She's wearing just a bra. She looks amazing. KATE What do you want to do with me? CAL Show you off to my wife to make her jealous. She GROWLS and dives on top of him as we launch: 48 CAL WEAVER'S "SEXYBACK" MONTAGE (THE NEXT FEW WEEKS) 48 -- The next morning a DISHEVELED CAL lets Kate out, gives her a big passionate kiss, and closes the DOOR. -- We STAY ON the DOOR. After a beat, it opens up: as Cal bids farewell to a NEW GIRL on a new morning. 49 AT THE BAR 49 Cal strides in -- a skip in his step, a perfectly tailored suit on his body. Everything's in SLOW MOTION. He points at someone, winks at a waitress... A SAD SACK GUY at the bar watches Cal stride by, jealous. Cal Weaver has evolved into "the fucking man." 58. 50 SNAPSHOTS 50 MEANWHILE -- 1) HANNAH studies late into the night for the bar. 2) JESSICA reads magazine articles on "How to Make Him Notice You." 3) TRACY eats ice cream in bed, alone. 4) ROBBIE drags mysterious wood planks into his backyard. But we're mainly with CAL... 51 BACK TO CAL'S APARTMENT 51 A NEW WOMAN EXITS. The door closes. It re-opens as he kisses goodbye ANOTHER WOMAN! 52 BACK AT THE BAR -- CAL AND JACOB 52 are mid-conversation. JACOB ... it would work! CAL You're out of your mind. JACOB What do college guys hate? Doing laundry. What do they love? Strippers. It's a strip club where they can do their laundry. CAL It's ridiculous. JACOB And yours isn't? A candy store that only sells red candy. CAL Everyone loves the cherry. Look, I'm not rejecting the psuedo- cherry flavors like raspberry or strawberry, anything in the -erry family is allowed. But let's be real here: no one wants the lemon. No one likes the grape. JACOB I like grape. CAL Well then you can't come to my store. (CONTINUED) 59. 52 CONTINUED: 52 They LAUGH, quickly becoming inseparable. 53 INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - EVENING 53 A late 40s couple eat dinner: BERNIE (the big guy who "broke up" with Cal earlier) and CLAIRE, a bubbly little woman -- the polar opposite of her husband. CLAIRE Oh, I almost forgot -- heard some good gossip at the nail salon. BERNIE For God's sake, Claire. CLAIRE (SING-SONGY) It's about Cal. BERNIE Leave the poor bastard alone, would you? I gave him the cologne like you told me to. We don't have to dance on his grave. VOICE (O.S.) What did you hear about Mr. Weaver, Mom? PULL BACK -- JESSICA (THE BABYSITTER) SITS AT THE NEARBY COUNTER, EATING NEXT TO HER LITTLE BROTHER (13). CLAIRE Apparently, Mr. Weaver has become quite a man-about-town if you get my drift. JESSICA What? CLAIRE Lots of young women coming in and out of his apartment lately. BERNIE Claire, would you cut it out? CLAIRE It's good for Jess to know. She still baby-sits for him after all. (CONTINUED) 60. 53 CONTINUED: 53 BERNIE Oh, c'mon! Enough. CLAIRE Well, it's good gossip at the least. Ooh, guess what else I heard... As she CONTINUES CHATTERING in the b.g., we HOLD ON Jessica. Thinking. 54 INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY 54 Jessica waits at her LOCKER. She spots a TALL BLONDE GIRL moving down the hallway, texting as she walks. JESSICA Madison! Madison, wait! Madison stops walking, but not texting. JESSICA Hey, I had a question -- Madison holds up a finger ("one second") and continues texting. Finally, she stops. Looks up. Smiles. MADISON Hey, Jessica, whassup? JESSICA I had a question for you, Madison. It's kind of on the personal side so... MADISON My lips are... Madison extends her arms, begins clapping and making WEIRD NOISES. Jessica stares at her blankly. MADISON (EXPLAINING) Seals. (THEN) My lips are seals. JESSICA Oh, okay. So, Madison, here's the thing... I don't mean to be blunt or insulting but, let's call it what it is: you're always sleeping with older guys, right? (CONTINUED) 61. 54 CONTINUED: 54 MADISON (NODDING) Always. JESSICA Lots of college guys, I've heard. MADISON Lots of them. JESSICA Even rumors about a few teachers. MADISON Totally. JESSICA So my question is: how do you do that? I mean, how do you get them not to see you as... well, a kid in high school? MADISON Oh, well first off, I have a huge rack. JESSICA You do, yes. MADISON So that helps. JESSICA Yes, I'm sure it does. MADISON You don't have a huge rack. JESSICA No, I don't unfortunately. MADISON So that's not gonna work. JESSICA Nope. Madison SIGHS. MADISON Okay, here's what you do. Wait, how old is he? JESSICA Old. (CONTINUED) 62. 54 CONTINUED: (2) 54 MADISON Like really old? JESSICA Like parent old. MADISON Nasty. Rock on, Jessica. JESSICA Thank you, Madison. MADISON Alright, you have to hook him. Force his hand. Make him unable to stop himself from doing what he knows to be wrong. JESSICA How? MADISON Do what I do. Send him a postcard from downtown. JESSICA Huh? MADISON Go TMZ on his ass. JESSICA I'm not following you, Madis-- MADISON The full gyno. Off Jessica's blank look. MADISON A crotch shot? A nip slip? (THEN) A dirty picture! You can even Annie Leibowitz it. Tasteful but with nipple. Yeah, that's what you should do: make it artistic. Black and white. Make this face. She makes a raw sexual face. JESSICA Jesus, Madison! (CONTINUED) 63. 54 CONTINUED: (3) 54 MADISON Well, you came to me for advice, that's my advice. You put those across his radar, he won't see you as a little girl anymore, that's for sure. Madison walks off, calls back. MADISON Don't send it to him as a jpeg, though. He'll put it up on his fantasy football web-site. And then your brother sees it, tells your mom, and suddenly you're not allowed to use Facebook for a month. Thanks, Kevin! She leaves Jessica there, processing the advice. 55 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER THAT DAY 55 Jessica EXITS the school, lost in thought. There's a bit of commotion outside. TEENAGERS are pointing and LAUGHING at something. Jessica pushes through and sees: ROBBIE, standing atop a man-made, tall, wooden platform/scaffold in front of the school. ROBBIE (DRAMATICALLY) There she is! ON JESSICA Oh shit. BACK TO ROBBIE as he RIPS OPEN his button-up shirt, revealing a SCARLET J taped to his pale, hairless chest. He has recreated the famous Scarlet Letter tableau. He pulls out a piece of paper, reads it. (CONTINUED) 64. 55 CONTINUED: 55 ROBBIE Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote in The Scarlet Letter: `No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.' Robbie puts down the paper, ignoring the jeers. ROBBIE I am not bewildered! Jessica Riley is my soulmate. She's the one! I know it to be true, and so now do the multitude. (CORRECTING HIMSELF) Multitudes? (then, deciding) No, multitude. JESSICA Robbie, get down! ROBBIE I have marked myself with this Scarlet J, Jessica! For you. Because your name starts with a J. It's just tape and construction paper but one day I will get a permanent tattoo when I'm old enough that my parents won't freak out on me. JESSICA Robbie Weaver! I am your baby- sitter and I'm telling you to GET YOUR ASS DOWN FROM THERE NOW! That does the trick. He gets down to mocking APPLAUSE. Jessica pulls him off to the side. JESSICA (HEATED WHISPER) What the hell are you thinking? ROBBIE You like the scaffold? It has wheels. Took four weeks to build it. (THEN) Oh, those are my friends, they helped me wheel it down. Wave hello. (CONTINUED) 65. 55 CONTINUED: (2) 55 OFF TO THE SIDE: Three excited THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLDS WAVE and give THUMBS-UPS to Robbie. Jessica waves, confused, turns back to Robbie. JESSICA This has to stop, Robbie. Seriously. ROBBIE You'll learn to love me. I promise. JESSICA I won't. ROBBIE Just because I'm four years younger than you? JESSICA BECAUSE I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!!! This stops Robbie dead in his tracks. JESSICA I've been spending time with him for a while. Robbie stumbles, less sure-footed than usual. ROBBIE No. You can't. I've checked. No boyfriend since ninth grade. No date for Spring Formal last MONTH -- JESSICA He's older. I don't want my parents to know. And with that, Robbie literally just sits down on the ground, all the wind taken out of him. It might be the cutest thing you've ever seen. ROBBIE Who is he? JESSICA It doesn't matter. ROBBIE Do I know him? Is he from town? JESSICA I don't know. Yes, kind of. (CONTINUED) 66. 55 CONTINUED: (3) 55 ROBBIE I'll kill him if he hurts you. Jessica tries not to smile. JESSICA I know. But this all has to stop now, Robbie. The speeches, the texts, all of it. It's very sweet, but it has to stop. He just sits there, lost. JESSICA I'll see you around, okay? She EXITS. Robbie remains seated on the grass. Devastated. His three friends approach. ROBBIE'S FRIEND We should probably get the scaffold back on the road before dark. ROBBIE Yeah. 56 INT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (NEXT DAY) 56 Robbie's on the couch, dejected. His little sister sits next to him, watching High School Musical as always. In the adjoining kitchen, Cal is on the phone. CAL (INTO PHONE) Hey, Nanna! I know, it's been forever. Have you been getting out at all? I'll bring you some of that deli you like one night, okay? The kids? They're fine. (to other room) Kids, say hi to Nanna. ROBBIE AND MOLLY Hi, Nanna! CAL Oh, I've been keeping busy. Made a new buddy, I've been spending time with him. Yeah, I'm going to see her tomorrow night. Of course I miss her. You don't know how much I miss... (CONTINUED) 67. 56 CONTINUED: 56 His voice cracks. He turns, sees Robbie staring. He heads into the bathroom with the phone, closes the door. Robbie SIGHS, turns back to the TV. CUT TO: 57 EXT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY 57 Cal and Robbie are having a catch. Robbie is listless. ROBBIE So you're seeing Mom tomorrow, huh? At my parent-teacher thing? CAL Yeah. ROBBIE First time in a while. CAL Yeah, but no biggie. Cal tosses him back the ball. CAL Hey, what's with the moping? ROBBIE Nothing. It's just... there's this girl. Cal smiles. CAL Oh yeah? You like her? ROBBIE I like Pringles. This girl's my soulmate. I'm like crazy, stupid, in love with her. And she wants someone else. CAL But she's your soulmate? ROBBIE Yeah. CAL Well you can't just give up. (CONTINUED) 68. 57 CONTINUED: 57 ROBBIE Why not? (then, quietly) You did. Cal freezes. ROBBIE Mom was yours, right? CAL I didn't give up. ROBBIE Listen, Dad. I love you. I have your back, always. But let's be honest here: the woman told you she wanted a divorce and you jumped out of a car. CAL It was slightly more complicated than that. And I'm a different guy now. ROBBIE You're the same guy. You just have different clothes. Do you still love her? CAL How old ARE you? ROBBIE (STRONGLY) Do you still love Mom? Cal doesn't say anything. His silence speaks volumes. CAL Weren't we talking about you? ROBBIE We are. Your son is in desperate need of some romantic inspiration. So set an example for your boy. Don't give up. It's complicated? Uncomplicate it. She says no? Change her mind. Look at you, you're the man right now, Dad. Get her back. (DRAMATICALLY) Get back my mom. (CONTINUED) 69. 57 CONTINUED: (2) 57 Robbie punctuates his pep talk by tossing Cal the ball, hard. Cal is lost in thought. The ball sails past him and THROUGH THE WINDOW of a nearby car. 58 EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEXT NIGHT 58 PARENTS walk hand-in-hand, into the school. It's Parent- Teacher conference night. 59 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEXT NIGHT 59 Cal sits on a small chair outside a classroom. Tracy approaches. TRACY (O.S.) Wow. Cal looks up. Tracy stands there. She's dressed down, but looks amazing. Vulnerable and nervous. TRACY (FLOORED) You look great, Cal. CAL Oh, well turns out I've been buying the wrong size suit for twenty years so... TRACY Well you look great. Really. Cal smiles. CAL Thank you. (THEN) You always look great, so... Awkward. Neither knows what to say now. Tracy takes the seat next to him. CAL I talked to Nanna yesterday. TRACY Me, too. She sound okay to you? CAL She sounded like... Nanna. She worries about us. (CONTINUED) 70. 59 CONTINUED: 59 Tracy NODS. A long beat, then: CAL I feel like I'm about to get detention. Tracy LAUGHS, tension broken a bit. CAL Which teacher is this? TRACY Mrs. Thompson. This is the one he pulled The Scarlet Letter Asshole routine on. Cal smiles. CAL He's a really weird kid, isn't he? TRACY Yeah. (THEN) I kind of like him, though. CAL I do, too. I'm so glad we switched the babies at the hospital. TRACY Me, too. They LAUGH. God, these two are great together when they're in rhythm. The laughter trickles away. An awkward beat, then: CAL So, how are things with... (a beat, then) How's it going with David? She looks down. TRACY Oh... it's not. (THEN) It wasn't about him, if that means anything. CAL No, I know. (CONTINUED) 71. 59 CONTINUED: (2) 59 Cal looks at his watch, a nervous gesture. TRACY You seeing anyone? CAL Who, me? No. You know me. No, not really. TRACY Oh. Because you hear things, you know. CAL Yeah, well... Another long beat of silence. Cal gathers himself, takes a breath, and turns toward Tracy. CAL I miss you, T. Tracy looks up surprised. CAL I got complacent, I think. You find your soulmate in high school... you've got the game sewed up in the first quarter, you know? She smiles. CAL I put in an effort when we were younger, didn't I? I'd do anything to make you happy: take you miniature golfing, dancing -- you were such a good dancer. TRACY I had to be. You were such a good miniature golfer. He smiles, emboldened. CAL All I ever wanted to do was make you love me. And then you did, really early on. And we got married so young. And I guess... I got lazy. I got boring. And I'm furious at you for what you did. But I don't totally blame you, if that makes any sense? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 72. 59 CONTINUED: (3) 59 CAL (CONT'D) (THEN) I shouldn't have jumped out of the car. I should have fought for you. You fight for your soulmate. At least that's what our thirteen- year-old tells me. Tracy's eyes well up with tears. TRACY He's a very strange boy, isn't he? CAL I'll be honest: he scares the shit out of me. She LAUGHS through her tears. TRACY I missed you, too. Cal takes her hand, kisses it. VOICE (O.S.) Mr. and Mrs. Weaver? They turn around. AT DOORWAY It's Robbie's English teacher, Mrs. Thompson... better known to us as: KATE (the teacher from the bar who Cal slept with). Cal freezes, his lips on Tracy's hand. CAL Oh God. KATE Cal? What are you doing here? CAL (looking to the sky) Really? TRACY You two know each other? CAL Um, yes... we've met before. (CONTINUED) 73. 59 CONTINUED: (4) 59 KATE We've met before? Seriously? CAL Mrs. Thompson? This is my wife. Tracy. KATE Oh, so now she's your WIFE again? HOW CONVENIENT! Kate's getting louder now. CAL Why don't we head inside? KATE YES, WHY DON'T WE!? She STORMS INSIDE. Tracy looks at Cal, follows her in. 60 INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 60 Kate PACES in front of the classroom. TRACY I'm sorry, I'm playing catch-up: how do you two know each other? KATE Maybe your husband should tell you. Cal hesitates. CAL We have a mutual friend. KATE Ha! CAL You know, maybe we should focus on Robbie? KATE Yes, let's do that. Let's focus on Robbie. Kate goes to her blackboard. (CONTINUED) 74. 60 CONTINUED: 60 KATE As you know, Robbie's shining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth grade English class. She writes on the board: ASSHOLE. She underlines it. KATE Asshole. Are you familiar with this word, Mrs. Weaver? CAL She's heard it, yes. So in terms of Robbie's progress -- KATE Asshole: as in, someone who tells a woman that he'll call, and never does. CAL We were a little concerned about Robbie's grade on his oral book REPORT -- KATE Asshole: as in, someone who uses `honesty' to get a woman into bed with him, but is actually full of shit like the rest of them. CAL Because usually he's a very strong public speaker -- KATE Asshole: as in, someone who allows a woman to go down on him for forty-five minutes because he's `nervous' -- CAL OKAY! ENOUGH!!! Kate stops. Cal turns to Tracy. She looks crestfallen. CAL I can explain. Tracy rushes out of the room. Cal calls after her. CAL She's an alcoholic! You can't trust what she says! (CONTINUED) 75. 60 CONTINUED: (2) 60 KATE SCREAMS in horror. Cal races after Tracy. Kate races after Cal. 61 INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 61 A three-way chase: CAL Tracy, wait! TRACY Leave me alone, Cal! KATE I'm sober for FIVE YEARS, you ASSHOLE! ON SPECTATORS TEACHERS and PARENTS (including Jessica's parents), stepping out into the hallway and following them outside. 62 EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 62 Tracy races to her car. CAL Tracy, c'mon! We were separated. TRACY (fumbling for keys) I know, and I cheated, so it doesn't make any sense for me to be mad at you. CAL Okay, so -- TRACY I can't do this now, Cal. CAL Tracy, I love you. KATE Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, ASSHOLE! Tracy looks at Cal, stunned. That's their thing. (CONTINUED) 76. 62 CONTINUED: 62 CAL It's a funny story, actually -- TRACY I'm going home. She opens the car door. CAL Tracy, wait! Yes, I slept with her! I slept with our son's eighth grade teacher! GASPS from the crowd. Claire (Jessica's Mom) takes a picture with her cell phone. CAL But all it did was confirm what I already knew: THAT I LOVE, YOU! I LOVE YOU!!! Tracy hesitates. Cal seizes the moment. CAL Before, you were the only woman I'd ever been with or wanted to be with. And now, even after I've been with eleven women, you're STILL... He instantly trails off, realizing. MORE GASPS. CAL (MEEKLY COMPLETING) ... the only woman I want to be with. TRACY I don't even know who you are. Tracy gets in her car and speeds off. CAL (weakly, to himself) I'm your soulmate. Cal turns around to the crowd, only to be met... By a SLAP ACROSS the face by Kate. She STORMS OFF. CAL HE DESERVED AN `A' ON THAT BOOK REPORT AND YOU KNOW IT! (CONTINUED) 77. 62 CONTINUED: (2) 62 THUNDER CRACKS in the sky. It begins to pour. Cal stands there, soaked. He looks up at the sky. CAL REALLY!!!??? 63 EXT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY 63 Meanwhile, the rain pours down as DINERS scurry into the restaurant. 64 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 64 We've been here before... the same group of BORING PEOPLE at the same table. Liz and Hannah CHAT off to the side. There's a cake on the table that says "CONGRATS HANNAH!" Richard stands on a chair. RICHARD Excuse me, everyone. Everyone!? The room goes quiet. RICHARD Now, if we could get our guest of honor over here... I forget what she looks like, anyone remember? POLITE LAUGHS. Liz GAGS herself with her finger, looks at Hannah. Hannah takes a deep breath, downs her drink, and walks over to Richard. Is this it? RICHARD I'm so proud of you, baby. I had my doubts, of course... More CHEESY LAUGHTER. RICHARD Now I did tell you that it'd be a special night when you passed the bar. And I'm a lawyer so you know I never lie... More HECKLING from the crowd. Liz desperately orders another drink, barely able to take it. RICHARD So, Hannah, I'd like to formally ask you, in front of all our friends and colleagues... (CONTINUED) 78. 64 CONTINUED: 64 Hannah waits, frozen. RICHARD ... if you'd like to become a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkins, Goldberg, and Schmidt!? CHEERS. Hannah steps back, breathless. Richard reacts. RICHARD You don't have a better offer already, do you? Everyone LAUGHS. HANNAH No, that's great. I just... (then, privately) I'm sorry, I thought... I thought you were about to propose. The room goes quiet, trying to hear. RICHARD What? HANNAH No, I just... it's fine. I'm sorry, I just got thrown is all. Richard pulls Hannah off to the side. RICHARD Honey, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize. HANNAH No, no, don't be silly, it's fine. RICHARD It's definitely a possibility, down the road. I think I just need a little more time. I'm still figuring out how I feel about us, you know: long-term. HANNAH No, I know... (THEN) Wait -- you're figuring out how you feel about us? She LAUGHS. Once. Then twice. Loudly. Everyone's now watching. Liz gets a good seat, excited. (CONTINUED) 79. 64 CONTINUED: (2) 64 RICHARD Honey? She's really laughing now. HANNAH You know what the best part is: I would have said yes! To YOU! And I didn't even want you to propose! Just now, I swear to God: I was hoping you wouldn't propose. And I still would have said YES! That's how pathetic I am! She snags someone else's drink from the table, DOWNS IT. She grabs Richard's cheeks. HANNAH I will consider your job offer, thank you so much, Richard. Hysterically LAUGHING, she walks away. As she passes, Liz sticks out her hand and they slap five. 65 INT. BAR 65 Meanwhile, Jacob sits alone in the bar. He checks his watch. No Cal. Suddenly, he looks very alone at his usual table. He shakes it off, stands, and approaches the table of a group of nearby WOMEN. ON THE WOMEN One of them is telling a story: WOMAN And you know what she said? JACOB (O.S.) What? What did she say? The women look up. ON JACOB Standing there, in all his glory. He flashes his coolest smile. They melt. We've seen this before. SLAM! The door to the bar busts open, revealing: (CONTINUED) 80. 65 CONTINUED: 65 HANNAH. She's dripping wet from the rain, looking almost wild. She scans the room, quickly, searching for... JACOB. She spots him, marches straight to him. For the first time, he looks like a deer in the headlights. She grabs him. Kisses him. A long, deep, almost angry kiss. She pulls back. HANNAH Do you remember me? JACOB Yes. HANNAH Do you still think I'm attractive? JACOB Yes. HANNAH Do you still want to take me home? JACOB Yes. Hannah NODS, takes his hand. HANNAH Let's go. She leads him out of the bar. We STAY WITH the WOMEN Jacob had just been introducing himself to. WOMAN #1 Slut. 66 INT. JACOB'S APARTMENT - LATER 66 We haven't been here yet. It's exactly what you'd expect though: an elegant bachelor-pad. Modern furniture. Sleek. Everything just right. Jacob puts an album on his record player. (CONTINUED) 81. 66 CONTINUED: 66 HANNAH This place looks like something out of a men's magazine. JACOB Is that a compliment? HANNAH I'm not sure. Music starts playing: "As Tears Go By" by the Stones. HANNAH I like this song. JACOB I thought you would. (THEN) Drink? HANNAH Yes, please. Jacob pours two nice glasses of SCOTCH, neat. Brings them (and the bottle) over towards the couch. He pats the couch. Hannah nods, walks over, sits down. JACOB Cheers. HANNAH Cheers. They CLINK. Jacob takes a sip. Hannah downs hers. She holds out her glass for a refill. Jacob raises a brow, pours her another. This time she HOLDS HER NOSE as she downs it. As soon as she finishes choking... HANNAH So is this how it normally works? JACOB What? HANNAH How you woo a woman? You take them back to your granite- countered bachelor pad, put on the perfect song, and make them a drink? (CONTINUED) 82. 66 CONTINUED: (2) 66 JACOB Yes. That's how it normally works. Hannah NODS, grabs the bottle, takes a swig. HANNAH And then you sleep with them? JACOB Yes. HANNAH So that's what happens next? We sleep together? JACOB At some point, yes, I was under the impression that was your plan. She takes a deep breath, admits: HANNAH I'm very nervous. JACOB I'm getting that. HANNAH I know at the bar I seemed confident, but I was more just soaking wet and cold and trying to be dramatic. Jacob LAUGHS. He actually LAUGHS. JACOB You're adorable. Hannah SNAPS, already tipsy. HANNAH No! Not adorable! Sexy! R-rated sexy! Because I know what happens next in the PG-13 version of tonight: I get really drunk, and I pass out, and you cover me with a blanket, and kiss my forehead, and nothing happens... but that's not why I'm here! (THEN) I'm here to bang the hot guy from the bar who hit on me. (CONTINUED) 83. 66 CONTINUED: (3) 66 JACOB I don't think people say `bang' anymore. HANNAH I do. We're going to bang. I'm finally going to do something exciting and dangerous and Liz can blow me! Hannah shakes her hands out, pumping herself up. HANNAH Okay, okay, this is happening. (THEN) Take off your shirt. JACOB What? HANNAH I need to stop thinking. Take off your shirt. Jacob SHRUGS, stands, unbuttons his shirt and takes it off. He's ripped. HANNAH Holy crap. She pokes a finger at his abs. HANNAH It's like you're photo-shopped. JACOB Now take off yours. HANNAH No way! Not with all that happening... She motions casually at his abs. HANNAH So... do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom? JACOB (AMUSED) In the bedroom is preferable. Hannah stands, a girl on a mission. (CONTINUED) 84. 66 CONTINUED: (4) 66 HANNAH Good. Let's go there. 67 INT. BAR 67 Meanwhile Cal, beaten up and soaking wet from the rain, ENTERS. He looks to his usual table, in need of a friend's company. But Jacob isn't there. CUT BACK TO: 68 INT. JACOB'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 68 Hannah lies on her back in the dim light. Jacob is on top of her, shirtless. They're making out, gently. HANNAH (TIPSY) This pillow is amazing. It forms perfectly to the shape of my head. JACOB I'm glad you like it. They resume kissing. After a beat, she pulls back again. HANNAH Wait, are these those foam pillows from Brookstone? Off his look... HANNAH They are, aren't they!? I always wondered who actually buys them! You do! The hot guy from the bar buys them! Of course! She shakes her head, amazed. Gathers herself. HANNAH Sorry, let's proceed. Jacob smiles, goes to kiss her... she pulls back again. HANNAH You don't have one of those ridiculous massage chairs, do you? (CONTINUED) 85. 68 CONTINUED: 68 JACOB (LYING) No. HANNAH Oh. My. God! You totally do! JACOB (ADMITTING) I do. She STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. It's infectious. HANNAH How much did it cost? JACOB Five thousand doll-- That DOUBLES HER OVER, hysterical. Jacob starts laughing with her... really laughing. We can tell: this is different for him. He likes her. We watch him as he realizes that. As he processes it. We watch him look at Hannah. ON HANNAH Hair in her face: drunk, laughing, completely amazing. And then... Jacob does the most unexpected thing: JACOB Do me a favor. Ask me a question about myself. HANNAH What? No! I don't want to know anything about you. JACOB C'mon, one question. HANNAH Okay, fine, but then we bang. JACOB Absolutely. Now, come on, I'll answer anything. You can ask me about my job, or past GIRLFRIENDS -- HANNAH What's your mom like? (CONTINUED) 86. 68 CONTINUED: (2) 68 The question takes him by surprise. He hesitates, then: JACOB Icy... I guess? Not cruel, but cold. Very cold. HANNAH And your father? JACOB He died, long time ago. Left us a lot of money, which is how I have... He motions at his PILLOW. JACOB Stuff like this. She motions at his abs. HANNAH And time for stuff like that? He LAUGHS. JACOB My dad was the opposite of my mom, actually... We PULL BACK as they continue chatting. TIME PASSES, as one question leads to another, and then another. Body language shifts. -- Soon they're sitting in bed, sharing the Scotch from the bottle, just talking. Then kissing. Then lying on their sides, face-to-face, talking some more. -- Until finally: it's Jacob who passes out. And it's Hannah who covers him with a blanket, and kisses him on the forehead, and begins falling in love with him. CUE MUSIC as we begin a... MONTAGE. IN ONE CONTINUOUS DOLLY MOVE WE HEAD, FIRST, TO... 87. 69 INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING 69 Hannah looks longingly at Jacob's plate of pancakes. He notices, switches plates. She smiles. He smiles. God, he's crazy about her. He looks at the next table, watches a LOVELORN GUY switch plates with his GIRLFRIEND. Uh-oh. 70 INT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT 70 DOLLY DOWN the row, HANDS are held between COUPLES, all entranced by the movie, until we REVEAL: JACOB staring down at his hand, locked with Hannah's. He looks terrified. 71 INT. HANNAH'S BEDROOM - EVENING 71 Now it's Hannah who's asleep in bed, and Jacob who stares at her lovingly. Suddenly, he catches himself. In a series of COMEDIC JUMP-CUTS, he wrestles with the implications of what's happening to him. -- Pacing. A drink. A big drink. Fingers pulling at his own hair. Hyperventilating. More staring. More pacing. CUT TO: 71A INT. HANNAH'S BEDROOM 71A And finally, he loses the battle: he tucks Hannah under a blanket, kisses her forehead, and finally... Gives in to falling in love with her. CUT TO: 72 INT. BAR - EVENING 72 Cal is sitting at the table that once belonged to Jacob. He suddenly seems very alone. (CONTINUED) 88. 72 CONTINUED: 72 He looks towards the bar, notices that same SAD SACK MIDDLE-AGED GUY. Also alone. He picks up his cell. 73 INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 73 Tracy sits at a table, FLOWERS off to the side. Her phone rings. She looks at it, sees it's "Cal." She hits IGNORE. PULL BACK to reveal DAVID JACOBWITZ, across from her. He looks at Tracy and smiles. She smiles back weakly. 74 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE - LATER 74 The awkward end of a first date. David walks Tracy to the front door. She's carrying those same flowers. Awkward beat. DAVID JACOBOWITZ I had fun tonight, Tracy. And I was wondering if -- TRACY David, stop. Look, I had a nice time, which is a substantial upgrade from the rest of the... times I've been having lately. So, I don't think I'm ready to start dating but my ex clearly is and there's a yogurt shop where they make this eight calorie ice cream that tastes like a laxative, so if you'd like to take me there sometime I guess I wouldn't say no. DAVID JACOBOWITZ Wow. You know, that's exactly what I was thinking. It's almost uncanny. They LAUGH. This is the moment. Romantic chemistry. Are they going to kiss? Holy cow. And then... THE DOOR OPENS. Jessica stands there. JESSICA Hello. TRACY Oh, Jessica. Hi. Sorry. Jessica, this is my work-friend. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 89. 74 CONTINUED: 74 TRACY (CONT'D) He's an accountant named David. David, this is my baby-sitter, Jessica. Okay, David, well everything sounds great. Spreadsheets. David smiles knowingly. DAVID JACOBOWITZ I'll see you at work. He EXITS. Tracy stands there with Jessica, awkward. INSIDE THE DOOR Robbie sneaks down the stairs. From a kneeling position, he can hear and see everything. JESSICA So... How was dinner? TRACY It was just for work. JESSICA (POINTEDLY) It's a pretty dress. TRACY Oh, thanks. Tracy reaches for her purse, awkwardly. TRACY So how much do I owe yo-- JESSICA Did you know your kids are the only ones I baby-sit for who always want to stay awake so they can see their dad when he gets home. I mean, they fight with everything they have to keep their eyes open so they can hear what Dad had for dinner, or how he liked the movie. Lot of kids want to stay awake for Mom -- and your kids always want to see you, don't get me wrong -- but not a lot wait up for Dad. Maybe it's because he's good, and he's kind, and he's decent. (CONTINUED) 90. 74 CONTINUED: (2) 74 TRACY What are you talking abo-- JESSICA Batshit crazy. She walks out the door. Tracy looks confused. TRACY Jessica? Jessica turns, explodes? JESSICA I DON'T WANT YOUR SLUTTY MONEY! She storms off. TRACY Jessica! But she's gone. Tracy SIGHS ("what the hell was that") and CLOSES the door. 75 INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 75 Tracy locks the door and leans against it... processing what Jessica just said about Cal. She puts the FLOWERS down on the table, and heads into the kitchen. ON ROBBIE at top of the stairs, regarding the flowers. 76 EXT. STREET - LATER 76 CUE MUSIC. Robbie rides his bike down the street. He's got Tracy's FLOWERS nestled in his handlebars. 77 INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM - MINUTES LATER 77 Jessica ENTERS in a huff, goes right toward a drawer in her dresser. She pulls out a CAMERA. IN QUICK CUTS we watch as she: Sets it on her dresser. Hits the timer. Steps back. Drops her clothes to the floor. (CONTINUED) 91. 77 CONTINUED: 77 Prints a PHOTO from her camera. And places it in an ENVELOPE READING: "Cal Weaver." With a heart. She stares at the envelope for a beat. Just then: HER DOORBELL RINGS. Jessica jumps, started. She quickly puts the envelope in a drawer and heads for the door. 78 INT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 78 She opens the front door. Sitting on her stoop: The same flowers that David Jacobowitz gave Tracy sit out front. She looks at the note. It reads: "Just give me a chance, love David J" but the "David J." has been crossed out and replaced with "Robbie." She shakes her head, takes the flowers, closes the door. 79 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - LATE EVENING 79 MUSIC CONTINUES as we spy the Weaver family through their windows: Robbie plays video games in his room. Molly watching her show in hers. Tracy in the kitchen. We MOVE DOWN the house, and OUTSIDE, where we discover: Cal in stealth mode, tending to his backyard. He fertilizes, trims and waters. All under cover of night. TRACY (O.S.) Kids! Ice cream! Cal looks into the living room. Tracy has brought out ice cream: a carton with three spoons. The kids race down the stairs, join her, and start eating. Laughing. We take in the real-time TABLEAU: Cal's wife and children -- his family -- inside. Cal: watching them from the outside, looking in. It's touching. It's complicated. It's horribly painful. INSIDE... Tracy looks at her kids, thinks of something. She steps into the KITCHEN, closes the door, and DIALS her phone. Cal leans toward the window, suspicious. OUTSIDE... Cal's phone rings. He jumps to silence it. (CONTINUED) 92. 79 CONTINUED: 79 CAL Hello? TRACY Hi, Cal. Silence. Cal is looking at her inside. She has no idea. TRACY So... I'm in the basement. I'm trying to get the water heater working `cause the pilot's out and I don't know how to relight it. Obviously Cal sees she's not in the basement. TRACY I'm sorry to bother you, I just... what do I do? Cal lowers the phone, looks at her, hesitates. Then: CAL It's fine, it's fine. I'm glad you called. Here: I'll walk you through it. (THEN) Do you see the little grey door? TRACY Yeah. CAL Pull it down. She pantomimes this in the kitchen. TRACY Okay, it's down. CAL Now, you see the red button? I wrote `push' on it? TRACY I got it. CAL Push. Now turn that to the right and stick the match in. TRACY Oh, there it goes! (CONTINUED) 93. 79 CONTINUED: (2) 79 CAL Good. Now just close the door and you're good to go. Silence. The charade is over. Now what? TRACY Well, thanks, Cal. I... appreciate your help. CAL No, anytime. Call anytime with stuff like that. (AWKWARD BEAT) Talk to you later? TRACY Yeah. And... thanks again. Cal HANGS up. He takes one final look back at his wife as the sprinklers go off in the backyard and douse him. 80 INT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - MORNING 80 Cal sits on his little couch, between Robbie and Molly. Molly is once again absorbed in High School Musical. Cal looks depressed. Robbie doesn't look much better. CAL Nanna's coming over tonight. You guys haven't seen her in a while. Wanna stay for dinner? ROBBIE Sure. CAL Your mom's working till five, we'll have to tell her. (off their silence) What do you guys want to do today? MOLLY (not looking up) High School Musical. CAL Well, there's a shocker. She goes back into her trance. ROBBIE She still won't talk to you? (CONTINUED) 94. 80 CONTINUED: 80 CAL Not if that show's on. ROBBIE No, I mean, Mom. CAL Oh, no. Just hellos and goodbyes when we pass you guys off. ROBBIE What happened? CAL Beyond your pay-grade, buddy. Cal looks pained. CAL I will say this though: I got close. We were laughing. Talking about old times, all the things we used to do... His eyes drift to the TV. It's the timeless GOLF SCENE from High School Musical II. A LIGHT BULB goes on. CAL (TO ROBBIE) Hey. Get your coat. Robbie smiles, runs off. Cal turns to Molly, REMOTE in hand. CAL Baby? I'm gonna have to turn off the show. MOLLY No! CAL I have to -- MOLLY NOOOO! CAL I'm turning it off -- MOLLY NOOOOOOOOOOO! He just does it! He turns the TV off. Silence. Molly turns towards him, stares. A long, scary, beat. Then: (CONTINUED) 95. 80 CONTINUED: (2) 80 MOLLY (free at last) Thank you. Cal KISSES her, jumps up from the couch. 81 INT. SPORTING GOODS STORE - LATER 81 Cal talks to a SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly bounce around, excited. 82 INT. PARTY SUPPLY STORE - LATER 82 Cal talks to a different SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly extend a MEASURING TAPE across the ground, assisting. 83 EXT. U-HAUL CENTER - CONTINUOUS ACTION 83 Cal rents a TRUCK. 84 INT. HOME DEPOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 84 Cal picks up materials. As he rounds a corner, he runs into... BERNIE. BERNIE Oh, hey, Cal. CAL Bernie. BERNIE So how've you -- CAL Bernie: I'd love to catch up, but I'm doing something at the old house tonight and I'm in a bit of a rush so... yeah. Thanks again for the cologne. Cal takes off. 85 EXT. HOME DEPOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 85 Molly points out her three favorite DAY LABORERS, Cal hires them. 96. 86 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD - LATER 86 Some kind of construction is going on back there. Cal's cell phone RINGS. We go -- 86A SPLIT SCREEN 86A with JACOB on his. He's waiting outside a LIQUOR STORE in his car. CAL Hello? JACOB Hey, Cal. CAL Oh. My. God. It's alive. JACOB I'm sorry. I know I've been out of circulation. CAL You abandoned me at my time of need. JACOB I've been a little... things have gotten a bit... I met a woman. CAL I bet you did. JACOB No, I mean, I've been spending a lot of time with her. This woman. One woman. CAL (DISBELIEVING) Okay, whatever. JACOB Actually, tonight... I'm going to meet her mother. CAL (LAUGHING) Whoa!!!! Look at you! You do realize you might actually have to answer a question or two about yourself? (CONTINUED) 97. 86A CONTINUED: 86A JACOB Yes, I realize that, asshole. Hannah comes out of the wine store, hops over the car. Jacob can't help but smile: wow, he's REALLY into her. JACOB Gotta go. Grab a beer next week? CAL You've got my number. (THEN) Hey. Good for you, by the way. JACOB Thanks. Cal HANGS up, LAUGHS to himself, and gets back to work. 87 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT 87 Tracy pulls up to her house. As she pulls in she notices Robbie. He's standing outside the front door in a tuxedo... a shit-eating grin on his face. She SIGHS ("what now?") and parks the car. 88 INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM 88 Meanwhile. Claire is putting away laundry. She throws some underwear in Jessica's bottom drawer. Notices something. An envelope. It's addressed to Cal Weaver. Curiosity piqued, she picks it up. Looks inside. Almost faints. 89 INT. CLAIRE AND BERNIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 89 Big Bernie sits in a recliner, watching football and drinking a cold one. Jessica lies on the floor, doing homework. Claire ENTERS, ashen. Zombie-like, she hands Bernie the envelope. Jessica looks up, sees it. JESSICA No!!!! She jumps, but it's too late. (CONTINUED) 98. 89 CONTINUED: 89 ON BERNIE Staring at the picture. We don't see it, but we get the point: it's a father's worst nightmare. Bernie, dazed, slides the pictures back into the envelope. He looks at the envelope again. ON ENVELOPE Cal's name. A heart. BACK TO SCENE JESSICA Daddy? Bernie puts a hand up. He can't speak. He marches out the door. From inside we hear a car SCREECH AWAY. ON JESSICA Realizing. She grabs a second set of keys. 90 EXT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 90 Jessica runs into a second car. Races after her father. 91 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE 91 Meanwhile. Tracy approaches Robbie. Not only is he wearing a tuxedo, he's carrying a bunch of SCARVES. Tracy LAUGHS. TRACY Baby! What are you wearing!? ROBBIE Dad's here. Tracy's face drops. ROBBIE I have to blindfold you. TRACY (WEARY) What is this? What is he doing? (CONTINUED) 99. 91 CONTINUED: 91 ROBBIE Relax, Mom. He's your husband, not Al Queda. You'll make it out alive. She can't help but smile. She kneels down, allowing Robbie to BLINDFOLD HER from behind. He ties a SCARF around her eyes. Then ANOTHER at a different angle, double-knots it. Then ANOTHER! ROBBIE Okay, we're good, let's do this. 92 INT. BERNIE'S CAR 92 Meanwhile. There's no expression on Bernie's face. It's frightening. He looks down at passenger seat. At the ENVELOPE bearing Cal's address. He RACES through a light. A HORN blares behind him. 93 INT. JESSICA'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 93 Jessica is the one BLARING THE HORN, crying and panicked. She too RACES through the same light. 94 EXT. WEAVER BACKYARD 94 Robbie leads a blindfolded Tracy into the backyard. She looks like a zombie with all the scarves over her face. We see what she is not yet privy to. ON THE BACKYARD Cal's Shangri-La has been transformed: the yard holds a FULL-BLOWN MINIATURE GOLF HOLE, windmill and all. Cal stands behind it all, in a tux. CAL Hi, T. TRACY Can I take these off, please? CAL Almost. Kids? (CONTINUED) 100. 94 CONTINUED: 94 Robbie CUES music (which will play throughout this scene). Molly, in a PARTY DRESS, carries a glass of champagne to Tracy and puts it in her hand. CAL (LAUNCHING IN) Twenty-five years ago, Cal Weaver saw Tracy Boyle for the first time, walking the halls of Woodside Middle School -- TRACY Cal: are you seriously doing this in front of the kids? ROBBIE (QUICKLY) If it goes bad I'm supposed to take Molly upstairs and put the TV on loud. Tracy SIGHS, giving up. TRACY Well, might as well wait for your daughter. CAL She's right next to you, T. TRACY No, your other daughter. Huh? Just then: VOICE (O.S.) Hello? From inside the house steps out... HANNAH. CAL Nanna! HANNAH Hi, Daddy. WTF! And right behind her... JACOB. Holding a bottle of wine and smiling like an idiot. Everyone freezes. JACOB Cal? (CONTINUED) 101. 94 CONTINUED: (2) 94 CAL What the hell are you doing here? JACOB What the hell are you doing here? HANNAH Wait, you two know each other? TRACY (STILL BLIND) Hi, Nanna. CAL Wait, what's going on? ROBBIE Hey, Nanna. HANNAH Hey, Robbie. MOLLY Hey, Nanna. HANNAH Hey, cutie. JACOB WHAT THE HELL IS A NANNA!? HANNAH It's me, I couldn't pronounce Hannah when I was little -- wait, so how do you know my dad? JACOB (REALIZING) Oh, God. CAL (FREAKING) I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S GOING ON HERE! HANNAH Dad, this is my boyfriend, Jacob. CAL No. No. No. No. (CONTINUED) 102. 94 CONTINUED: (3) 94 TRACY I want to see the boyfriend! (STRUGGLING WITH SCARVES) Can someone please take this off? JACOB HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A 24-YEAR- OLD DAUGHTER!? CAL I WAS SEVENTEEN! SHE WAS OUR SENIOR YEAR HICCUP! IT'S WHY WE GOT MARRIED SO YOUNG! JACOB WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME THAT? CAL YOU NEVER LET ME TALK ABOUT MY CHILDREN! HANNAH So you two, like, really know each other? CAL No way -- you and her... no way. End it, now. HANNAH Daddy!!! JACOB Well, that's not going to happen. CAL Well, then I'm going to murder you. HANNAH DAD! TRACY (down to two scarves) Will someone please take this goddamn thing off me! CAL Robbie, take the goddamn thing off your mother! (then, looking up) Bernie? (CONTINUED) 103. 94 CONTINUED: (4) 94 SLAM! A body flies into Cal and knocks him OUT OF FRAME. It's Bernie! Behind him... JESSICA runs after her father, SCREAMING: JESSICA Daddy, no! ROBBIE Is that Jessica? BAM! Bernie lands a solid right into Cal's jaw. HANNAH Daddy! JESSICA Daddy! TRACY (YANKING ON BLINDFOLD) What's happening? Bernie is pummeling Cal. BERNIE I LET HER BABY-SIT FOR YOU, YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH! SHE'S SEVENTEEN! Jacob dives in. Tries to pull Bernie off. Bernie NAILS Jacob with an UPPERCUT! HANNAH Jacob! CAL (GETTING PUMMELLED) Bernie, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Bernie picks up a WINDMILL from the miniature GOLF COURSE, readies to bash it over Cal's head. Jessica throws herself on Cal. JESSICA Daddy, stop! This breaks Bernie's trance. He hesitates. JESSICA He didn't do anything. He doesn't even know. (CONTINUED) 104. 94 CONTINUED: (5) 94 ROBBIE Know what? CAL Know what? TRACY (STILL BLINDFOLDED) Robbie, please get this off me! ROBBIE (struggling with it) I'm TRYING! JESSICA He doesn't even know that I'm in love with him! Robbie stops, turns. ROBBIE With who? JESSICA (pointing at Cal) With him. CAL Are you pointing at me? ROBBIE Are you pointing at him? TRACY Who is she pointing at!? ROBBIE (PROCESSING) Wait: my dad is the older guy you've been seeing? BERNIE I knew it. He gets ready to pummel some more. Jessica grabs him. JESSICA (TO BERNIE) He doesn't even know about the dirty pictures I made for him. ROBBIE You made him dirty pictures? Oh God. (CONTINUED) 105. 94 CONTINUED: (6) 94 Robbie looks to Cal. He's angry, jealous, and broken- hearted all at once. ROBBIE (TO CAL) You're the one? You're the one she... (then, furious) You stole my soulmate. CAL Wait: Jessica is your soulmate? VOICE (O.S.) I'm sorry, is Tracy home? Everyone turns: DAVID JACOBOWITZ stands in the doorway. He's holding up a SWEATER in his right hand. DAVID JACOBOWITZ You left your sweater in my car the other night. HANNAH Who are you? DAVID JACOBOWITZ David Jacobowitz. JACOB David Jacobowitz! CAL David Jacobowitz!? DAVID JACOBOWITZ Is this a bad time -- WHACK!!! Jacob LEVELS David Jacobowitz with a right hook. HANNAH Jacob! JACOB You know how much misery you've put this poor bastard through!? Before Jacob can finish, Cal LEVELS Jacob. CAL Stay the hell away from my daughter. (CONTINUED) 106. 94 CONTINUED: (7) 94 Jacob JUMPS on Cal. David jumps on Jacob. Bernie tries to pull them apart. Jessica finally gets the blindfold off Tracy. The women and children watch the battle in horror. CUT TO: 95 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD - LATER 95 Cal, Jacob, Bernie, and David Jacobowitz sit side-by-side on the miniature golf hole, bloodied but still. REVEAL: TWO POLICE OFFICERS standing in the center of the yard. One of them finishes writing in a pad. POLICE OFFICER #1 Well, okay. That should about do it. (to his partner) What do you think? The other cop SHRUGS. The first cop, thinks, then: POLICE OFFICER #1 Look, I'm just gonna write domestic disturbance reported but all clear, okay? `Cause honestly, I don't even know what to put down here. TRACY Thank you, Officer. He nods, walks to the door. Stops there. POLICE OFFICER #1 Just... simmer down, okay? We all have arguments, but if you're gonna fight -- just do it inside. Keep it in the family, okay? Jacob SNARFS down a laugh. Cal glares at him. CAL I'll kill you. The cops look at Cal, at each other, SHRUG, and EXIT. (CONTINUED) 107. 95 CONTINUED: 95 ON THE YARD Awkward silence. Our whole cast is there: disheveled and bloodied. The place looks like a hurricane has hit. A miniature golf hole torn to shreds. Bernie turns to Jessica. BERNIE Let's go. Now. She NODS. Looks back at Cal. JESSICA I'm so sorry -- BERNIE NOW! And that's that. Robbie runs to the driveway, looks: 96 IN THE STREET 96 as Jessica runs after her father, trying to apologize. But he won't even look at her. They get in their respective cars, drive off. 97 BACK INSIDE 97 Jacob approaches Cal. CAL Don't. JACOB CAL -- Cal turns to Hannah. CAL This man is a lowlife and a WOMANIZER -- TRACY (under her breath) Oh, that's ironic. Cal whips around. CAL I'm sorry, what? Tracy doesn't push it. Cal turns back to Hannah. (CONTINUED) 108. 97 CONTINUED: 97 CAL You may not be able to see it, but I have. Over and over again. You are not to see him any more. HANNAH Dad, c'mon, I'm not going to stop seeing him. Cal turns away. CAL Well then I don't have anything else to say to you. HANNAH DAD -- CAL GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE! ON HANNAH shocked. BACK TO SCENE TRACY Cal, stop being unreasona-- CAL I said: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE! TRACY IT'S NOT YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE, CAL! CAL AND YOU MADE DAMN SURE OF THAT DIDN'T YOU, SWEETHEART!? This time it's Tracy whose face registers shock. Hannah takes Jacob's hand, pulls him away. JACOB (one last try) Cal, c'mon -- But Cal won't even look at him. MOLLY (CALLING OUT) Goodbye, Nanna. (CONTINUED) 109. 97 CONTINUED: (2) 97 HANNAH (THROUGH TEARS) Goodbye, cutie. They EXIT. Cal lets them go, then grabs his things. CAL She's all yours, David. Ouch. TRACY (WOUNDED) Nice. Before he goes, Cal stops in front of Robbie. CAL Go big or go home, right, buddy? Robbie looks up at him, cold. ROBBIE Go home, Dad. Cal NODS, EXITS. 98 INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - THE NEXT MONTH 98 CUE: John Mayer's "Who Says." 1) ROBBIE, at school. His spirit is crushed. He looks at his CONTACT LIST, thinks, and DELETES JESSICA. 99 JESSICA 99 2) at home, grounded and sad. 100 JACOB 100 3) trying to get HANNAH to make a phone call to her father... she won't. 101 TRACY 101 4) at her office, finally taking down the picture of her and Cal. And speaking of Cal... 110. 102 INT. BAR - AFTERNOON (THREE WEEKS LATER) 102 Cal sits back at his usual table. This isn't "Cool Cal," the Jacob disciple. No, this is "Sad Mess Cal." He's grown a patchy beard. He's wearing a ratty sweatsuit. He's drinking, once again, vodka-cranberry out of a wimpy red straw. It's pathetic. A WAITRESS APPROACHES. WAITRESS Can I get you another? CAL What time is it? WAITRESS 2:30. In the afternoon. CAL 2:30 would have been sufficient but I appreciate the judgment, Cocktail Waitress. (THEN) Yes, another drink would be grand. She EXITS. Cal feels bad for that one. As she re-approaches: CAL That was uncalled for. Sorry for being a dick. JACOB (O.S.) Ah, it's okay, I deserved it. ON JACOB Standing there. As always, he looks perfectly put together. He takes in Cal. JACOB It's a nice sweatsuit, Cal. CAL What do you want? JACOB Can I sit? CAL I don't know, can you? (CONTINUED) 111. 102 CONTINUED: 102 JACOB Okay, are we going to be mature about this, or act like children? CAL (MIMICKING) `Are we going to be mature or act like children?' JACOB Okay, so like children then. Move over. Jacob SLIDES in. JACOB I'd like to talk. CAL You still seeing my daughter? JACOB Yes. CAL Then I have nothing to say to you. JACOB Cal. (THEN) Cal, look at me. Cal looks. Jacob still has that power over him. JACOB You been hanging out here a lot? CAL Sometimes. JACOB Must be missing a lot of work. CAL I have a lot of vacation days. JACOB Some vacation. CAL I hate the beach... you've got a lot of nerve coming here -- Just then, the WAITRESS re-approaches. Delivers Cal's drink. They wait her out. She EXITS. (CONTINUED) 112. 102 CONTINUED: (2) 102 JACOB You want a sip? CAL No, she probably spit in it. Jacob NODS as Cal pushes the drink away. JACOB Your kids miss you. CAL You're hanging out with my kids, fantastic! You can teach Robbie how to objectify women, he'll love that. JACOB His eighth grade graduation is next week. You coming? CAL Of course I'm coming. JACOB Well you haven't exactly been around for him, Cal. CAL He's not my biggest fan right now. JACOB Oh, that's a good excuse -- CAL Alright, man-whore, if your lecture on parental responsibility is almost done -- JACOB I love her, Cal. Cal looks up. JACOB I've never been in love before. Honestly, I've never even been in `like' before. (THEN) I never got it. I saw people in love -- I saw weakness. I heard them say the things they said, and do the things they do, it all just seemed so... so pathetic. (THEN) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 113. 102 CONTINUED: (3) 102 JACOB (CONT'D) She's my perfect combination of everything, Cal. Cal looks up at Jacob. He smiles, gently. CAL I know you. I know what you are. You are not good enough for my daughter. And you will never have my permission nor my approval. Jacob stands. JACOB I'll see you at graduation. He EXITS. Once more, Cal is alone. Just as he wants it. 103 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - ONE WEEK LATER 103 A small MIDDLE-SCHOOL AMPHITHEATER. About 150 people fill the crowd of an intimate middle school graduation. Tracy, Molly, and Hannah sit in the front row. Jessica sits with her family a few rows away. All look nice. MANY ROWS BACK -- Sits Cal, sandwiched between RANDOM SPECTATORS. Cal is now shaven and well-dressed but he looks miserable. His eyes brighten for a moment as he notices... AN EMPTY SEAT between Tracy and Hannah. He leans forward, are they saving it for him? But just then... Jacob arrives. Kisses Hannah and takes "Cal's" seat. Cal looks nauseous. ON STAGE We WATCH the ceremony for a moment. The PRINCIPAL labors through her introduction... VOICE (V.O.) ... and now, to introduce the first student speaker: our very own English teacher Kate Thompson! Cal's former conquest steps onto stage. (CONTINUED) 114. 103 CONTINUED: 103 AHEAD OF CAL Tracy looks away, clearly uncomfortable at the teacher's presence. She accidentally catches Cal's eye. Awkward. KATE Our next speaker is not only the class salutatorian, but he's also one of the most... (SEARCHING) Spirited... young men, I've ever had the pleasure of teaching. Ladies and gentlemen: Robbie Weaver. Robbie takes the stage to APPLAUSE. This is not the same kid we've come to love. There's something different in his face. He's been broken. He spots JESSICA. ROBBIE (a bit monotone) Thank you, Mrs. Thompson. Welcome, Class of 2011. (A BEAT) I wasn't really sure what I wanted to talk about today. Mrs. Thompson said it might be good to talk about growing up and getting older and stuff. So I guess I'll talk about that. Cal watches, concerned. Where's his son? ROBBIE I grew up a lot this year, I think. I used to think that growing up meant really growing. Like getting taller and bigger. But now I think that growing up just makes you smaller. Your dreams get smaller, and what you want gets smaller... (beat, then) I grew an inch and a half this year, but I feel a lot smaller. Cal sits forward, getting increasingly concerned. ROBBIE I was in love. And I know that makes parents laugh because I'm only thirteen but whatever, I was. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 115. 103 CONTINUED: (2) 103 ROBBIE (CONT'D) I believed that there was one true love for everyone, and if you fought for that person, your one true love would always work out. But that's not how it works. It sounded good when I was younger, but... it's just not how it works. There's no such thing as one true love for everyo-- CAL (O.S.) Stop! Robbie turns. Cal is STANDING in the middle of the crowd. Everyone turns to look at him. ROBBIE Dad? CAL Hi. (awkward, to crowd) Hi, everyone. Silence. No one knows what to do. Cal is suddenly really uncomfortable. CAL May I have a word with my son? It'll just take a second. Cal tries to extricate himself from his row. He steps over people, squeezes by people, almost trips. Finally clear, he gathers himself, and tries to keep his dignity as he marches down the aisle -- past his family. Robbie comes to the front of the stage, bends down. ROBBIE (HEATED WHISPER) What are you doing? CAL I don't know. What are you doing? Robbie's eyes well up with tears. ROBBIE I was wrong, Dad. There's no such thing as -- Cal turns toward the crowd, announces: (CONTINUED) 116. 103 CONTINUED: (3) 103 CAL My son's graduation speech sucks. GASPS from the crowd. ON CAL Now standing, alone, front and center in front of an entire eighth grade graduation ceremony. He looks behind him at the panel of TEACHERS. MRS. THOMPSON discreetly gives Cal the finger. CAL In fairness, I don't know where he was going but I think we can all agree it was heading in a pretty depressing direction. And I basically wrote it for him. I mean, I didn't literally write it but I sure as hell influenced it, and the kid's already a spitting image of his mother and I'll be damned if this is what he's going to get from me. People squirm, uncomfortable. This is a train wreck. CAL My son -- not him, my actual son -- he believes in grand romantic gestures. He believes that people have soulmates. And we always want to tell our thirteen-year- olds that they're wrong, that `one day you'll understand, young man.' But maybe it should be the other way around. He looks at Tracy, out in the crowd. CAL I met my soulmate when I was fifteen years old. Our first date, we went for ice cream. After, my dad started teasing me about my `first date' the way dads do. And I told him: `stop making a big deal, Dad. I'm going to go on lots of dates with plenty of girls.' That was the first time I ever lied to my father. (THEN) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 117. 103 CONTINUED: (4) 103 CAL (CONT'D) I met my soulmate when I was fifteen years old. And I have loved her with everything I have for every minute, of every day, ever since she let me buy her that first mint chip ice cream. I have loved her through the birth of our three perfect children, and I have loved her even as I've hated her -- only married couples can truly understand that one. And I don't know what will wind up happening with us -- I don't, Robbie, I'm sorry I can't give you that -- but I promise you this: I will never stop trying. When you find `the one' you never give up trying... and I love you, my amazing boy, for reminding me of that. Robbie hugs his father as the crowd reacts. Cal kisses his son on the head, then motions towards the microphone. Robbie grabs it with newfound gusto and announces: ROBBIE I still love you, Jessica! I've loved you since the first time you changed my sister's diaper! I've loved you since... The crowd reacts (LAUGHS, CHEERS, etc.) as Robbie continues. Cal stands back and smiles. His boy is back. 104 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - LATER 104 The ceremony is over. Robbie heads over to his family. They hug him, kiss him. Cal approaches Hannah and Jacob. CAL Hi, Nanna. HANNAH Daddy. He smiles at her, adoring. CAL My perfect girl. He kisses her forehead, turns to Jacob. (CONTINUED) 118. 104 CONTINUED: 104 CAL I already ordered a gun. I'm not kidding. I ordered a Colt .45 on a shady internet site, I can show you the receipt. If you hurt her, I am prepared to shoot you in the face. JACOB Cal, I'm not going to -- CAL Shut up, Jacob. Jacob shuts up. CAL Wow. I like that. Jacob smiles, shakes hands with Cal. Cal notices: CAL Is that a new shirt? JACOB Hannah took me to the Gap. It's actually not as bad as I thought. CAL Seriously? JACOB Of course not, Cal. It's the Gap. I got this at Nordstrom's. And like that... order is restored in the universe. OVER TO ROBBIE Who approaches Jessica. ROBBIE It was nice of you to come. JESSICA I wouldn't have missed it. Awkward. ROBBIE So, how are things with your dad? (CONTINUED) 119. 104 CONTINUED: (2) 104 JESSICA Strained. I took a summer internship up at Stanford, gonna head up there early. Figure it can't hurt to get out of his line of sight for a while. ROBBIE Yeah, probably a good idea. (THEN) You were a good baby-sitter, Jessica. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. He holds out his hand, to shake, formally. JESSICA Wait: I thought you weren't giving up. ROBBIE I'm not. But I figure: you like my dad, and one day I'll look like my dad, so I'll just come for you then. Jessica smiles. JESSICA It's a good plan. She looks over her shoulder, reaches into her purse. JESSICA Until then: a little graduation gift. To help get you through high school. She hands him something in an ENVELOPE: the same type of envelope she once used for... Robbie peeks inside. His eyes BUG OUT. Jessica kisses him, sweetly, on the cheek. JESSICA You take care, Robbie. Robbie watches her go. Love-struck once more. Cal steps up next to his son. CAL You okay, buddy? (CONTINUED) 120. 104 CONTINUED: (3) 104 ROBBIE (RE: ENVELOPE) I am now, Dad. I am now. Robbie runs off to join his friends. Cal smiles. TRACY (O.S.) I'm terrified of what's going to become of him once he hits puberty. Cal turns, Tracy has been watching. CAL We might have to lock him up. Tracy smiles. Cal walks over toward her. TRACY You gave a good eighth grade graduation speech. CAL I've been working on it for thirty years, so... She LAUGHS, then... quiet. TRACY Do you think we can ever come back from all this, Cal? CAL I don't know. I'd like to try though. I know I'd like to try. She nods, thinking. TRACY Things are just so messed up. And it's been such a strange year. I've been in such a strange place. And we have all these problems, so many problems I've lost count, but at the end of the day, I mean, the only thing I know -- She stops herself, emotional. Then, simply: TRACY I am just so glad you took me for that ice cream. Cal smiles. They share the moment in silence. And then: (CONTINUED) 121. 104 CONTINUED: (4) 104 TRACY It was rocky road by the way. CAL No! As they JOKE and ARGUE about what flavor the ice cream was, we PULL BACK. Off to the side, Robbie steps away from his friends and watches them enjoy one another's company. He smiles. FADE OUT. THE END
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