January 5, 2020
Christmas is Coming
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!
MAN (on TV): We now return to LEGO Spotlight.
("Yakety Sax" playing)
I'm not sure we should be letting Stewie watch this.
- Yeah, you're right.
- (whistle blows)
Well, that's my train.
Time to disappear from this life completely.
No, no, Peter.
It's just Chris practicing his new recorder.
I said no hobbies.
Brian, that LEGO movie kind of scared me.
Ah, don't worry about it, Stewie.
It's all make-believe.
- ("Yakety Sax" plays)
(playing high-pitched note repeatedly)
That sounds terrible.
Yeah, you can't just play one note over and over.
You're not Danny McBride.
Who taught you to play like that?
Well, our music teacher quit and was replaced by a back-East bird.
(bird whistles two notes)
(students play same notes)
(bird whistles same notes)
(students play same notes)
(school bell rings)
See you tomorrow, Mr. Mason.
(bird whistles same notes)
Well, I'm gonna have to talk to Principal Shepherd about this.
Every kid loves seeing their mom inside their high school.
I'm sorry, but music is an important part of your education.
Your mother's right, Chris.
You don't wanna mess this up, like Skee-Lo messed up his wishes.
Uh, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, and I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat.
You need money!
(tranquil music playing)
You wanted to see me, Mrs. Griffin?
Um, yes, to discuss the music program.
Right, of course.
I was just testing these candles for a lie I can't think of right now.
Now, what's this forgettable misunderstanding all about?
Uh, my son is being taught by a bird.
- No, Mr. Mason.
Lot of open windows in this school.
You need a real music teacher.
I'm a trained piano player, and I've taught lessons for years.
I'd love to come work for you.
Well, that changes everything.
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
I just farted.
So, everyone, I have an announcement to make.
I'm gonna be the new music teacher at Adam West High.
- Please say you're joking.
I'm not joking.
I start Monday.
My wife, a music teacher?
That's a marriage time-out.
I-I think Dad did this wrong.
Yeah, aren't-aren't we supposed to be the frozen ones?
- Dad's a loser.
- Yeah, he sucks.
- Stop it.
He can't hear us.
PETER: But I could hear them.
And it hurt.
Turns out, if you're gonna learn how to stop time in wizard school, don't leave class early to be the first in line for lunch.
It was pizza day.
And you'd think it's gotta be pretty good pizza, being made by a magic wand and whatnot.
But it was just okay.
I don't think it was the usual guy making it.
This has been a Peter Griffin Marriage Time-Out.
Good morning, class.
So you know.
I'm your new music teacher, Mrs. Griffin, and I started from the bottom.
Now I'm here.
Oh, my God, you're so lame.
I know you are, but what am I?
Okay, we'll call that one a tie.
Now, class, what is music to you?
Okay, Deaf Larry, we know music is nothing to you and never will be.
What is music to you?
Connie, you're just afraid, so you lash out.
I get you, because I was you.
Headstrong, full of anger, and a body that looked like it stepped right out of Redbook magazine.
- GIRL: Is that good?
- Yes, that's good.
You don't know.
You were never me.
Look down at your desk.
But-but weren't you Lois Pewterschmidt back then?
Meg, go to the principal's office.
My desk also has "L. G." on it.
- Mine, too.
- They all do!
Okay, okay, I didn't know where the troublemaker was gonna sit.
Mr. Mason may have been a bird, but at least he wasn't a liar.
Well, you better get used to me, 'cause Mr. Mason's gone.
Sweetie, it's the middle of the day.
- (whistles two notes)
- Oh, no.
Well, I hope this doesn't affect our plan to have eggs.
(whistles same notes)
You wanted this to happen!
So, Lois, how was your first big day teaching?
You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau?
I didn't leave my family to have sex with a 12-year-old boy named Vili Fualaau, get arrested for rape, give birth to his child in prison, get out, get arrested again for humping him in a car when he was 13, have his second kid in jail, get out, get married to him, change my name to Mary Kay Letourneau-Fualaau, live my life as a disgraced sex offender, and then get dumped by him.
(laughing): No, I didn't do that.
But I did have a little trouble in Meg's class because of that brat Connie D'Amico.
She's a classic, entitled, mean-girl slut.
She stopped by to see you yesterday.
What'd she say?
- She said you're gullible.
Hmm, Connie D'Amico.
The name sounds familiar.
I better go check Meg's yearbook pages four, six, 11, 27, 41, 42 and 60 to see if it's the babe I'm thinking of.
Lois, I'll take my dessert upstairs in the masturbation bathroom.
Maybe I'm not cut out to teach high school kids.
I thought I could handle their nonsense, but I just kind of froze today with Connie.
- Yeah, hang it up.
- You gave it a day.
That's nonsense, Lois.
You just have to be more of an authority figure.
If Connie gets out of line again, don't be afraid to show her who's boss.
Like I did with those squirrels.
- (squirrels chittering)
- Hey, neighborinos.
Um, so, not a huge deal, but if you guys could keep your chittering down, I'm trying to get some writing done in the house.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no-no problem, bro.
Also, maybe you could go fuck your own face, huh?
Could that be good?
All right, thanks, guys.
What are you doing here?
I followed you into your cutaway because I didn't believe you showed anyone who's boss.
And I was right.
Did you get a sleeve tattoo of Freddie Mercury?
Yeah, it's a cutaway.
(playing light chord progressions)
I know some of you kids think this class has nothing to do with your day-to-day lives, but you couldn't be more wrong.
Music tells the story of our lives.
For example, this morning, I woke up and saw it was a sunny day.
(plays Grieg's "Morning Mood")
Then I had some tea.
(plays "East Asian Riff")
Which was from China.
On my way out the door, the kitty cat ran across my piano.
(plays dissonant, descending notes)
Get off of there, kitty cat!
Then I drove to work.
(plays rapid, upbeat melody)
But then, I hit some traffic (plays ominous sting)
that was caused by a parade.
(plays Sousa's "The Stars and Stripes Forever")
For gay rights.
(plays "The Stars and Stripes Forever" in high octave)
And finally, I got to school early and diarrhea'd in the girls' locker room.
(plays sustained low note)
That's it, Connie!
To the principal's office.
For the rest of the class, I will wait for the bell.
(school bell ringing)
And then I will suddenly talk much louder and faster as you're heading out the door.
Okay, and remember, there's a quiz a week from Wednesday!
- (students gasping)
- BOY: Oh, no.
That means you heard me.
This is how Hollywood thinks school teachers talk.
Connie, I've asked Mrs. Griffin to be here since it was her class you disrupted.
And I'm sorry to say, this is your third strike this year.
According to school policy, three strikes means you're expelled.
- Principal Shepherd, I'm not sure that's necessary.
I've made my decision.
Now, if you ladies don't mind stepping out, I have to reprimand Danny McBride next.
Mr. McBride, do you know why you're here?
Yeah, maybe because I'm awesome, and you're a gay homosexual, and also the word "Jet Ski" a lot?
(chuckling): Yeah, you know why you're here.
I feel kind of bad about getting Connie expelled.
But maybe this'll make her realize she needs to be more respectful to others.
Eh, probably not.
She's really hot.
Hey, Lois, I just got an invite for a Facebook group you started called "Keep Harriet Tubman Off the 20-Dollar Bill".
I haven't even been on Facebook today.
Your profile pic is now just the word "veterans" with a circle and a line through it.
I mean, that's the way I feel about ghosts, but veterans?
Mom, this is Connie getting back at you.
It's called "cyberbullying".
By the way, Vili Fualaau is now a DJ in Seattle.
Boy, Connie must really mean business.
Like an Armenian kid in a candy store.
Hey, little boy, can I help you?
Yes, I wish to buy business and turn into car wash.
(children shouting in distance)
We had no idea you'd switched teams, Lois.
Damn it, Connie.
No, it's just a nasty prank.
What's so nasty about it?
(chuckles): I mean, nothing.
I-I'm fine with it.
Okay, well, if you're so fine with it, what are you doing Friday night?
Oh, um, mmm.
So, I got my blacksmith certification.
- I can make axes now.
You in the market for an ax?
I'll keep this on the D.I. Hughley, but your next date should be with Christ.
Lois, are you using the Elmo toothbrush, which is mine?
- Oh, sorry, Peter.
I've just been so distracted with this whole Connie thing.
So, Connie made you mistake a monster's face for the words "Oral-B".
Come on, Peter, I'm serious.
This is a real problem.
Well, if she's really ruining your life, go down to the station and talk to Joe.
Yeah, I thought of that, but I hate competing with the sound of ringing phones and typewriter keys.
- (phones ringing, keys clacking)
- And she hacked all my Internet accounts.
I think she hacked my Twitter!
Well, without any hard evidence, Lois, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do!
I knew this would be a waste of time!
Okay, fellas, she's gone!
(ringing and clacking stop)
I'd like to report somebody using the wrong toothbrush.
Have a seat, sir.
Tell me everything.
You know Elmo, right?
Hmm, I'm not seeing any Viva brand paper towels.
- That's the only brand I use.
- Uh, sounds good.
I'm gonna go see what new stuff they're turning into milk.
Oh, wood milk!
Hey, that woman has all the Viva brand paper towels.
E-Excuse me, miss, could I have one of those Viva brand paper towel rolls?
- Oh, so sorry.
I need them all for the big mess you've made.
Hey, Lois, do we need any jeans milk at home?
Oh, hey, Connie.
Nice shopping outfit.
Come on, Connie.
It's the only brand I use.
I need it to pat down bacon and let Meg suck the wad.
Too bad, bitch.
- There we go.
I know it's been you cyberbullying me.
I didn't mean to get you expelled, but now I'm glad I did.
You're a very disrespectful young lady.
At least I'll have a paper towel with the power to take on any spill.
Okay, that's it.
You'll pay for this, Connie!
You better watch your step.
(gasping and murmuring)
Ah, darn it.
I couldn't open my camera in time.
Oh, you can just text me yours.
I'm not texting you.
I don't know you.
Peter, I'm exhausted.
I can't even think of making dinner.
Well, I didn't hear what you just said, but what's the dinner situation?
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, transitioning into my sad voice for the death of a white girl.
Local white girl Connie D'Amico died at the scene of an automobile accident earlier tonight, the brake lines of Connie's Celica apparently cut.
Oh, my God.
Can you imagine being the shovel that gets to scrape that ass off the road?
Eh, maybe in my next life.
(knock on door)
Lois Griffin, I'm sorry, but you're under arrest.
I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.
On what charge?
We've got you on grocery store video threatening Connie D'Amico.
You're under arrest for her murder.
Guys, my mom was arrested for Connie's murder.
Joe, this is ridiculous.
There's no way Lois killed Connie.
There's just too much evidence against her.
I gotta take her in.
So, what, I'm supposed to be a guy without a wife now?
What am I supposed to do, whatever I want whenever I want?
I'm gonna get crow's-feet from smiling too much.
It's gonna be quite an adjustment.
Seriously, who's gonna greet me in a shapeless sweatshirt when I come home?
- Meg, maybe.
Who's gonna slap a tarantula of shampoo hair on the wall of the shower?
It's the little things you miss.
Who's gonna go, "Ooh! Ooh! Careful!" while I'm parking?
Sometimes this is the hardest part of my job.
Who's gonna fill up my DVR with lady judge programs?
I-I don't make the rules.
Oh, and I suppose now I'll have to start every road trip - with a full tank of gas?
- I took an oath, Peter.
What am I supposed to do?
Masturbate comfortably in bed?
The law's the law.
And I guess I'm gonna have to be on time to every party - and stay real late?
- Yeah, why do they do that?
And so long, Handmaid's Tale, I guess.
Two or three more jokes, Peter.
So long, This Is Us.
Last one, maybe.
So long, seeing my dining room.
You got a stronger one to end on?
So long, bitchy 2:00 a. m. blanket pulls.
Ahhh, there we go.
Fuck you, Peter.
What am I supposed to do now, Brian?
Whatever I want whenever I want?
Yeah, I was right here when you were doing that.
I-I didn't hear your laugh.
I'm more of a smile guy.
Peter, we have got to prove Lois is innocent.
And the best way to crack any high-profile crime case is to do a podcast before you have all the facts.
- And the key to any podcast is poor sound quality and tons of commercials.
All right, we've got Lois calling in from prison.
She's only got three minutes.
LOIS (staticky): Thanks for looking at my case, guys.
You bet, Lois.
My first question is do you get a good night's sleep?
No, 'cause I'm in prison, and my cellmate is bipolar.
Well, if you get a Casper mattress now, you have a hundred days to decide if it's the right mattress for you.
Peter, I don't have time for this.
I don't have time for underwear that bunches up.
That's why I wear MeUndies.
Perfect underwear for hanging yourself in your jail cell.
Can we talk about the case?
I have 30 seconds before they haul me off to the freaking cafeteria.
Sounds like you could use Blue Apron.
Have you ever wanted to receive a vegetable in the mail?
Then you need Blue Apron.
I'm, like, obsessed with the stir-fry.
Brian here likes the Moroccan beef.
I-I have no opinion on the Moroccan beef, Peter.
Brian, this is not art.
This is commerce.
Peter, before I go, I need a new lawyer.
This one made a sexual pass at me.
Everyone knows hiring is a nightmare.
At least it was before ZipRecruiter.
ZipRecruiter: We vastly overestimate how many podcast listeners are in a position to hire someone.
Okay, Brian, let's go through Lois's drawers and look for clues.
If you find any, let me know.
And if you find the yo-yo she took from me, definitely let me know.
I'm not gonna use it in the house.
The Wendy's employee gave it to me if I promised to calm down.
Peter, this is a dead end.
All I see here is your Nerf gun from last summer.
Oh, no way.
She said I lost that.
She deserves to be in jail.
Suck on that, Lois!
That was very close to my eyes, Peter.
It wasn't close to your eye.
- That's why I took it.
- It was so far from your eye.
What are we doing here?
Connie never went to the Drunken Clam.
Everybody knows the way you solve a murder is to ask a barkeep if he knows anything.
When he says no, you turn around, and then he says "wait" and gives you an important clue.
Hey, Jerome, do you know anything about Connie's death?
I've just been working here.
All right, Brian.
Let's get out of here.
- Peter, wait.
One of the waitresses says you put her tip down her pants.
How long were you planning to sit on that little nugget?
You just did it.
If you remember anything else, here's my number.
Oh, and here's a nickel for the watered-down beer.
Keep the change.
How are we gonna solve this case, Peter?
I've been thinking about that.
You're a dog, and I'm a man.
So we're basically Scooby-Doo.
- So, what are you saying?
- We go around town and rip off faces until we find the real killer.
Which can only mean... (screams)
The newspaper is embarrassing me.
Well, kids, we tried.
I'm afraid your mother's a murderer.
No, Peter, I'm right here.
Lois, you escaped!
She killed before.
- She'll kill again.
- JOE: No, Peter, look wider.
We're all here.
Turns out Lois didn't kill anyone.
Connie D'Amico faked her own death.
- (all gasp)
We found Connie an hour ago at a motel outside of town.
Turns out she put a pig in a blonde wig behind the wheel of her car.
I'm sorry, our coroner has been pretty sloppy lately.
She's been dealing with some substance abuse.
Anyway, Lois has been cleared of all charges.
And what of the pig?
That was a very tough house call.
- Excuse me, folks.
Do you have a daughter named Peppa?
You're gonna want to sit down.
Well, Lois, I gotta say, it's great to have you home from prison.
Ah, it's great to be home.
Hey, I-I gotta ask, are-are you gonna stay that jacked forever?
I don't know.
Do you like it?
I-I-I do and I don't, you know?
It-it was-it was nice being held up against a wall, but when you made me suck the hairdryer, I-I-I enjoyed it, I did, but I-I don't want to do that specific thing again.
Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm ready for round two.
Just gotta make sure the kids don't come in.
- Now no one can get in, and no one can get out.
Hands on the headboard, chief.