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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Choir Boys" from season six, which aired on March 20, 2009.

Choir Boys

Transcript

  • [Long shot of Squidward's house, while the final of "The Marriage of Figaro" plays. Cut to the outside of Squidward's house, the camera then cuts to the blue sign on Squidward's bathroom door that says "Squidward's bathroom; DO NOT ENTER." Then pans down to another sign below it that says "unless you are SQUIDWARD".. Cut to the inside of Squidward's bathroom. A silhouette of Squidward is seen in the shower curtain. Squidward takes a shallow breath.]
  • Squidward: [off-key] ♪Fi-ga-ro. Figaro!♪ [pause, Squidward then stretchs his arms wide] ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [cut to the outside] ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪
  • Squidward: ♪Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!♪
  • [Cut back inside.]
  • Squidward: ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [He then coughs, turns the water off and steps out of the shower. Cut to the toilet paper and the toilet. The toilet frowns and groans in despair. Cut to the toilet paper]
  • Toilet Paper: Don't feel bad. He didn't use me yesterday either.
  • Squidward: ♪La la la la la la la!♪
  • [Squidward puts on a robe and a scarf in front of his mirror, then holds a photo of the Men's Chorus.]
  • Squidward: I am anxious to make a strong first impression, and share to my singing skills with the famed Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus. ♪La-LALALAAA.♪ But I needn't be too anxious, for once they hear this masters voice, they'll give me the Lead Solo for sure! ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [walks outside and passes SpongeBob laying on the ground] Huh? Well, looks like a forlorn SpongeBob sprawled out in the dirt. [cuts to SpongeBob, who lets out a loud sigh] Obviously depressed... [smiles] Oh, what a lovely day! For me! [laughs]
  • [SpongeBob grabs Squidward's leg.]
  • Squidward: Huh?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward? My playmate Patrick is away, at a family reunion. Sad and alone, I am desperate for something to do, or someone to play with. [coughs]
  • [Cuts to Squidward's face, then his legs. Squidward removes SpongeBob's hand from his leg.]
  • Squidward: Well, I have no time for the likes of you.
  • SpongeBob: Squidward? Where are you going, all dressed up?
  • Squidward: None of your business!
  • SpongeBob: Can I come?
  • Squidward: And no you can't.
  • SpongeBob: Are you going to a fancy store?
  • Squidward: No.
  • SpongeBob: A fancy party?
  • Squidward: No.
  • SpongeBob: A hot fancy pants date?
  • Squidward: No!
  • SpongeBob: Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?
  • Squidward: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Does that answer your questions?
  • SpongeBob: All except for that last one.
  • Squidward: [loudly] No you can't! [sweating] If you must know..... I will be a feature solo for an impending concert performance with the Bikini Bottom Men's choir. And in the big time... Not playtime. Now if you excuse me.
  • SpongeBob: Wow.
  • SpongeBob: I may not as be you and your buddies, Squidward. But I do have a song in my heart I want to share. [clears his throat loudly] ♪Laaaaaa.♪ [cough]
  • [Squidward speeds off on his bicycle, leaving dirt in SpongeBob's face. SpongeBob coughs loudly.]
  • Squidward: [honks horn] Au revoir, SpongeBob! See you in nose-bleed seats! [laughs and rides away] ♪La La La La La La La, La La La La La La La, La La.♪
  • SpongeBob: [in unison with Squidward, riding on a unicycle] ♪La! La! La! La! La! La!♪
  • Squidward: Huh?!
  • SpongeBob: Yodeleehehoo! I'm good enough to join the Men's Chorus. I promise!
  • Squidward: Yuck! [rides away]
  • SpongeBob: Perhaps Squidward didn't see me.
  • Squidward: ♪Fi-ga-ro♪ [cleaning throat] ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪
  • SpongeBob: [tunnels out of the ground with a shovel] This giant pothole ought to get his attention.
  • Squidward: Fi-Ga-! [hits pothole; screams and flies into Jellyfish Fields] I think I hit the wrong note back there. [Jellyfish approach] What the...?!
  • SpongeBob: What a lucky break! Now I have a captive audience! [clears throat]
  • Squidward: [gets zapped and screams]
  • SpongeBob: Laaaaa [Squidward gets zapped] Mimimimimi [Squidward gets zapped again. SpongeBob clears his throat] Looo!
  • Squidward: [screams]
  • SpongeBob: Uhm Squidward, could you keep it down please? I'm trying to find my starting pitch here. Laaa!
  • [cuts to Squidward on his bike, covered in stings.]
  • Squidward: If that rank amatuer SpongeBob embarrasses me in front of the Bikini Bottom Choir Men, my life is ruined!
  • Squidward: [looks at watch] Oh! I'm almost late for Choir Practice! Better not run into SpongeBob again or I'm doomed!
  • Squidward: [takes a turn into large grasses] Haaahaha! Figaro! FigaroFigaroFiga-roooo!
  • SpongeBob: [steps out of the grasses in a policeman uniform] Stooop! Stop Stop!
  • Squidward: [comes to a screeching halt.]
  • SpongeBob: I here by issue you with this ticket, for reckless frowning, and failing to listen to my song!
  • Squidward: Your song? What are you, some kind of...
  • SpongeBob: That's right! I'm a singing traffic cop!
  • Squidward: A singing traffic ...
  • SpongeBob: ♪O Sole Lo Mio...♪
  • Squidward: [rips off SpongeBob's fake mustache] SpongeBob, I will be late to practice with all of your tomfoolery slowing me down! [grabs the ticket and rips it up] It is a high honor to be chosen for the Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus, and you are not going to keep me from performing my Grand Solo! [ties SpongeBob to some coral using kelp, and rides away] ♪Figaro! Figaro, Figaro, Fi-ga-ro!♪
  • SpongeBob: ♪Fii-gaa-roo♪ [the ground rumbles. The kelp breaks off SpongeBob. Jellyfish come and pick him up, and they travel down the road in a beam of sunlight]
  • Squidward: [looks at watch] Just in time! [walks inside and stands next to some choir men] Gentlemen.
  • [Piano Music Plays]
  • Chorus: Laaaaaa!
  • [Squidward loudly clears his throat, interrupting the chorus. He clears throat for a while, which eventually dies down until he finally takes out and uses breath spray. He turns to a page with music. The music restarts.]
  • Choir: Oooh! [Squidward joins in the singing but he's off-key]
  • Squidward: [off-key] LAAAAAAAA!!
  • SpongeBob: [comes in door, bathed in sunlight] ♪Laaaaaaaaaaa. Figaro, Figaro, Fiii-ga-rooo!♪
  • Choir Man: It's so beautiful!
  • SpongeBob: ♪Laa, Ohhh, OOOOOOH!♪
  • Choir Man: That's the most beautiful singing I've heard! [sobs]
  • [SpongeBob bows. The choir cheer and the jellyfish cheer and applaud.]
  • Old Pianist: [in a SpongeBob-like voice] Yeah, yeah, yeah! [throws the flower in the vase on the piano at SpongeBob]
  • [Confetti falls.]
  • Choir Man: Oh Master SquarePants, we'd be honored if you'd the open chair, as our featured soloist!
  • SpongeBob: [laughs nervously] Well... I...
  • Choir Man: We would also be honored, if you'd wear this! [opens platter with a fake moustache inside]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] A moustache?! FOR ME?!
  • Choir Man: Well, don't be shy! Put it on!
  • SpongeBob: [puts the moustache on] Squidward look! [points at his moustache] My very own choirman's moustache! [Squidward sighs sadly]
  • Choir Man: Well, will you do it?
  • SpongeBob: Uhm... [thinks while music similar to Jeopardy's think music plays] I'll do it! But only if you find a spot for my inspiration, and great friend, Squidward!
  • [Squidward's face lights up.]
  • Choir Man: Deal!
  • [Cuts to the concert.]
  • SpongeBob: ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [Squidward turns the last page of music sheet] ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [everyone applauds]
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