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  • [The episode begins at SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is reading a catalog with his snail, Gary.]
  • SpongeBob: Ooh, take a look a this, Gare Bear. Found a slime ball in your shoe? Even purebred snails call fall victim to the scourge of slime balls. [puts the catalog on the table and flips his glasses in his head]
  • [Gary hacks and spits out a slime ball. SpongeBob catches the slime ball with a catcher's mitt.]
  • SpongeBob: You really got some air on that one.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: I know that meow. That says, "I'm hungry." [flips his chair over to reveal Gary's food bowl] Lucky for you, I speak fluent snail. [sticks out a can of snail food from his mouth and dumps some food in Gary's bowl]
  • Gary: [pouts] Meow!
  • SpongeBob: What, you're not hungry?
  • Gary: [kicks the food bowl in SpongeBob's face] Meow-meow!
  • SpongeBob: [whips the food off with his nose] Oh, of course. [opens his face and pulls out a leash] You wanna go for a walk? [closes his face] Gary, you really need to work on your pronunciation.
  • [SpongeBob goes to put the leash on Gary. But Gary backs away. SpongeBob tries again, but fails. Then the two start a brawl, which ended with SpongeBob getting tangled in the leash.]
  • SpongeBob: Okay, no walkies. [pulls the leash off]
  • [Gary angrily meows at SpongeBob and pushes him against the table. The catalog falls off the table.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, if only you could talk like a real person. [Gary points at something in the catalog] Huh? Ooh! [reads] "The chatterbox translation collar? Know what your best friend is saying!" A snail translator! That's a great idea, Gary. [picks up the phone and calls the chatterbox salesman]
  • Chatterbox salesperson: [filing her nails] Chatterbox order line.
  • SpongeBob: Hello, yes, could you please send me one chatterbox snail collar?
  • Chatterbox salesperson: Do you want regular, express, or our fastest delivery option time warp?
  • SpongeBob: Ooh, time warp, please!
  • Chatterbox salesperson: Very well, your package was delivered last Thursday.
  • [SpongeBob hangs up the phone, turns around, and gasps as he sees a huge box in the middle of the floor.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I wonder where this came from.
  • [Gary slithers off the box and SpongeBob opens it. He dumps out the styrofoam, which is formed into a cube. He touches it and styrofoam explodes in his face. SpongeBob inhales the styrofoam and holds up the new translation collar.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, here we go. [puts the collar on Gary's shell] Okay, Gary, speak to me.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Check, check. [Gary meows] One, two. Ah, that's more like it. Hello, there, Papa Bob.
  • SpongeBob: [tears up] Papa Bob. Oh! Oh, Gary, now you can express you innermost thoughts in language I can understand. [holds up diary] I have so many questions.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Lay 'em on me, Papa Bob.
  • SpongeBob: What do you dream about?
  • [As Gary explains, he is shown flying in the sky with jellyfish.]
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Mostly, I dream of flying above it all...
  • SpongeBob: Aww, that's sweet.
  • Gary's collar: While I breathe fiery destruction upon my enemies.
  • [Gary breathes fire on the town of Bikini Bottom and the townspeople scream and run in terror. The vision ends and SpongeBob gets very scared.]
  • SpongeBob: [gulps] Hey, if you're gonna dream, dream big, right? [clears throat] Let's move on to question two, shall we? What are your long-term goals?
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] To finish restoring my hotrod.
  • [Gary's hotrod is shown sputtering and firing up its engines. One tail pipe falls off.]
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, you need to get on that. But what I really want to know is, [turns upside-down and shakes his butt] how do I look in these pants?
  • [Gary's eyes look squared until he shakes his head.]
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] They really bring out the sharp corners of your buttocks.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, you flatterer. Come on, Gare, let's show Patrick your new voice. [meets up with Patrick outside] Oh, Patrick, I have got a surprise for you! [laughs] Say hello to Gary.
  • Patrick: [shakes Gary's eyestalk] Hello, Gary.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Hello, stinky man.
  • Patrick: Hmm? Hmm. [smells his really stinky armpit and his head melts] Phew! Ooh, you're right, Gary, I am ripe! [grabs a trashcan and dumps garbage onto himself] Ah, much better.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary sniffs and meows] Delightfully disgusting.
  • Patrick: Thank you, my good man.
  • [The scene changes to Sandy leaving the Bikini Bottom Dentist Office.]
  • Sandy: Thanks for the old tooth scrubbing! Bye!
  • SpongeBob: Sandy! Gary has a new translating collar.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Hello, hairy astronaut lady.
  • Sandy: How do you do, little fella? [pets Gary]
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] You know, same shell, different day.
  • SpongeBob: Isn't it amazing?
  • Sandy: Aww, that ain't nothing. I invented a nut translator ages ago. [puts a nut translator on a walnut]
  • Walnut: [through nut translator] The pistachios are all out to get me. You can't trust 'em. They're working for the peanut mafia!
  • Sandy: [laughs] Walnuts are extra nutty.
  • [The scene changes to Squidward meditating in his house.]
  • Squidward: Om.
  • Master Marty: [on television] In order to achieve complete brainfulness, one must clear one's mind of all distractions.
  • [The doorbell rings.]
  • Master Marty: [on television] Distractions are only in your mind.
  • [The doorbell continues to ring and Squidward grumbles.]
  • Master Marty: [on television] You are the center of the universe.
  • [The doorbell rings again.]
  • Squidward: Center of the universe.
  • [The doorbell continues to ring and Squidward grumbles.]
  • Master Marty: [pops out of the TV] Will you answer the door already?!
  • [SpongeBob continues to ring the doorbell until Squidward answers.]
  • SpongeBob: I think your doorbell's broken, Squidward.
  • Squidward: What do you want?
  • SpongeBob: I thought you might want to chat with your neighbor.
  • Squidward: Why would I want to talk to you?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, not to me. [holds up Gary] To Gary.
  • Squidward: Oh, good grief. SpongeBob, Gary can't talk. He's a snail!
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Greetings and salutations, grouchy man.
  • Squidward: Wha-ha?
  • SpongeBob: I bought Gary the new pet translator collar.
  • Squidward: Why would you want to talk to him?
  • SpongeBob: Who wouldn't want to talk to their pet?
  • Squidward: I was talking to Gary.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows and enters Squidward's house] Oh. Those walls! That carpet.
  • SpongeBob: Turns out Gary has a very sophisticated sense of design.
  • Squidward: Really? [slams the door in SpongeBob's face] Well, maybe I'll give him a guided tour.
  • [SpongeBob flips himself over to the other side of the door and falls into Squidward's floor.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, wait up!
  • [Squidward leads Gary upstairs in his painting gallery.]
  • Squidward: And up here, you'll find my true masterworks. Hidden away from the eyes of the undeserving public.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Ah, the naïve cephalopod style. Not very sophisticated.
  • Squidward: Huh? [grumbles as his face turns red] See here.
  • [Gary looks through Squidward's closet and SpongeBob takes notes on Gary's thoughts.]
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Ugh! Tacky.
  • Squidward: Hold on now!
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward, I'm taking notes for you. [Squidward whacks the notebook out of SpongeBob's hand]
  • Master Marty: [on television] Fell the plainfulness flow through you.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] You watch this nonsense?
  • Squidward: What? What's wrong with it?
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Nothing, I'm sure. Apparently, no brain required. Come, Papa Bob. Let's get out of here before this bad taste rubs off on us.
  • Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh, gee, do you have to?
  • SpongeBob: Don't be sad, Squidward, we'll be back soon.
  • [SpongeBob and Gary head out the door and Squidward grumbles in anger.]
  • Master Marty: [on television] Until next time, remember to free yourself from all distraction. [vanishes]
  • Squidward: [grins evilly] Oh, I will. [snickers]
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob getting ready for bed.]
  • SpongeBob: [yawns] Night, Gare Bear.
  • Gary's collar: [Gary meows] Good night, Papa Bob.
  • [SpongeBob claps his hands and the lights turn off. As SpongeBob and Gary sleep, Squidward is on the ceiling watching from above.]
  • Squidward: Good night. [slides down the wall with his suction cups and sneaks up on a sleeping Gary] Now, let's see if SpongeBob still wants you to talk after tonight. [steals the translator collar, takes out a fake one with a walkie-talkie on it, and slips it on to Gary's shell]
  • [Squidward snickers evilly and exits SpongeBob's room through the window. As he gets to the ground, he steps on a rake and gets smacked in the face with it.]
  • Squidward: [screams and pulls the rake off his face] Stupid rake! [speaks through walkie-talkie] Oh, Papa Bob. [clears throat] No, no, no. [clears throat and talks in a snooty voice] Oh, Papa Bob. [Gary's still sleeping] I'm thirsty.
  • SpongeBob: [moans] At this hour? All right, I'll get you some water. [slides off his bed and rolls to the bathroom; then comes back with a glass of water] Here you go, buddy, one water. [places it in Gary's bowl and prepares to go back to bed]
  • Squidward: [through walkie-talkie] I want to go to the park.
  • SpongeBob: Huh? Oh, sure. No problem, Gary. [yelps as he tries to stay awake]
  • [SpongeBob falls over, puts Gary on his back and slithers to the front door. Moments later, SpongeBob and Gary, still half-asleep, comes back from their walk.]
  • SpongeBob: Well, that was fun. [puts Gary in his bed and prepares himself to go to sleep]
  • Squidward: [through walkie-talkie] My bed is too lumpy.
  • SpongeBob: All right, then. [slips off his bed again and picks up Gary] Here, Gary, take my bed, hmm? [puts Gary on his bed and goes to sleep on the floor]
  • Squidward: [through walkie-talkie] Papa Bob, it's hot in here. [snickers]
  • [SpongeBob opens his bedroom window.]
  • Squidward: [through walkie-talkie] Still too stuffy.
  • SpongeBob: Still too— [takes out a sledge hammer and pounds a hole on the wall; the wind blows in] How's that, Gary?
  • Squidward: [through walkie-talkie] The view is so much nicer a block away.
  • SpongeBob: Okay, okay.
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob lifting his house up with a jackscrew and putting wheels on it.]
  • SpongeBob: This should get things rolling. [kicks the jackscrew out from under the house and pushes it out onto the road]
  • Squidward: [through walkie-talkie] Keep going. Just a little more. [snickers and looks through binoculars] Perfect.
  • [SpongeBob stops on a hill and is completely exhausted.]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps as he sees a comet flying across the sky] You're right, Gary. The view is nicer over here. Gary? [sees his house rolling down the hill] Gary! [screams]
  • [SpongeBob's house rolls down into Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob chases after his house and clings onto the lower window. He opens his front door and climbs back inside. The house rolls down the road and runs through a red light, which also causes pile-ups. The house crashes into several buildings. SpongeBob screams as he sees danger signs about a steep cliff the house is heading to. SpongeBob jumps out through the hole and slows the house down with his shoes.]
  • SpongeBob: [his shoes ignite and burn] Whoa! [screams] Oh-whoa-oh! Oh, god! Oh, god! [whimpers as he clings onto his house]
  • [The house stops slowly and dangles over the cliff. SpongeBob clings onto the front wheel and pulls himself to safety on the cliff.]
  • SpongeBob: Whew! Aww, that was close, huh, Gary? [he accidentally leans onto his house and it rolls off the cliff] Oops.
  • [SpongeBob's house rolls far out into the distance. The scene changes to the next morning. SpongeBob and Gary are deeply upset that their house is gone, leaving them nothing but a dirt circle on the ground.]
  • SpongeBob: Aww, now where are we gonna sleep? [sobs]
  • [Squidward snicks as he pulls up a brick wall.]
  • Squidward: [through walkie-talkie] You could always live in a hole, like that idiot sea star.
  • [As SpongeBob continues to cry, Gary discovers the fake collar on his shell. He looks around.]
  • Gary: Meow?
  • [Gary discovers Squidward laughing to himself behind the wall, holding a walkie-talkie. He glares at Squidward and sees a sobbing SpongeBob digging a hole. At that instant, Gary realizes that Squidward is responsible for the loss of SpongeBob's house and growls angrily at him. Gary decides to teach Squidward a lesson and slithers over to him. As Squidward continues to laugh, Gary pulls to fake collar back and launches it into Squidward's mouth, making him choke on it and then swallow it. Gary then meows through the walkie-talkie to make Squidward sound like a snail. SpongeBob digs deeper in the hole as his house suddenly appears above him and rolls back into place. The house falls on SpongeBob and he comes out through the door.]
  • SpongeBob: My house! Oh, Squidward, we're neighbors again. [hugs Squidward]
  • Squidward: [pulls SpongeBob off] Get off of—
  • Gary: [through walkie-talkie] Meow.
  • [Squidward covers his mouth.]
  • SpongeBob: Uh, I didn't catch that, Squidward, what'd you say?
  • Squidward: I said, "Get off of"—
  • Gary: [through walkie-talkie] Meow.
  • [Gary continues to meow through the walkie-talkie in Squidward's body until it attracts the attention of a pedestrian with his worm. The worm growls, barks and runs over to Squidward.]
  • Nat Peterson: Hey!
  • [Squidward becomes scared and runs away as Gary meows through the walkie-talkie in Squidward's body.]
  • Nat Peterson: Hey! Come back with my worm!
  • [Squidward runs into the pet park with several angry worms following after him. As Gary continues to meow through the walkie-talkie in Squidward's body, Squidward gets himself cornered by the worms. Gary hisses through the walkie-talkie in Squidward's body. All of the worms pile up on Squidward and begin to maul on him.]
  • SpongeBob: Aww, looks like Squidward wants a pet of his own to talk to.
  • Gary: [smooth voice] Meow. [laughs and smiles]