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TranscriptEdit

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to apologize to our Asian viewers; we should've known having "Chinese History" as a category would lead to some highly offensive accents from our contestants. That said, let's take a look at the score. Sean Connery currently sits at -$3,000.
Sean Connery: And your mother currently sits on my face, Trebek. [ he laughs sarcastically ]
Alex Trebek: Way too early for that... waaaaaay too early. Next, Justin Bieber at -$17,000.
Justin Bieber: Yeah, um, it's like, there hasn't been a lot up here, right? But there's so much in here, and I just wanna get it out, girl. [ he prays to his right ]
Alex Trebek: You think that I, a grown adult man, am a girl?
Justin Bieber: Yeah. Um, no? I don't know. [ he pulls his hood over his head ]
[ Trebek shakes his head ]
Alex Trebek: Ok. And in last place, Tony Bennett, whose score is so low, it can't be represented by a real number.
Tony Bennett: [ uses his buzzer as a microphone ] I'm having a great, great, great time, Alex. Tonight I said, bells and buzzes, dings and bings. It's like Atlantic City took a giant crap, and out came the Fourth of July.
Alex Trebek: What a lovely image. Let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables", "Letters That Begin With G", "Who Reads", which is a category about books. I'm sure we won't tackle that one. "Let It Snow", "State Your Name" -- in that category, all you need to do is state your name. "Famous Oprahs", and "Potpourri". Sean, you control the board.
Sean Connery: I'll take "Whore Ads" for $200.
[ the camera zooms into the $200 clue, then zooms out and into the category "Who Reads" ]
Alex Trebek: It is... it is "Who Reads". It's about books. It's... it's not "Whore Ads". That's it, Connery. You're on a time out. For our other contestants, "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer are about this person's adventures."
[ Bieber buzzes in ]
Justin Bieber: Um, I don't know nothing about Tom Sawyer.
Alex Trebek: Then don't buzz in, ok? No one has to buzz in.
Justin Bieber: Uh, but I know adventures, and I want you to come with me on my next one, girl. [ dances and touches his hair as the incorrect buzzer sounds, then ducks and rises up ]
[ Trebek nods ]
Alex Trebek: I'm not a girl. I have a mustache on my face.
[ Bennett buzzes in ]
Alex Trebek: Tony Bennett, "The Adventures of Tom Swayer are about this person's adventures."
Tony Bennett: What a great, great, great, great book. I can't remember the main cat's name, but what a cast of characters in this novel. Becky Thatcher, Huckleberry Finn, then there was that Huck's runnin' buddy, a black fellow, tall. His name's on the tip of my tongue.
Alex Trebek: No, no, no.
Tony Bennett: It begins with an N.
Alex Trebek: No, no, no.
Tony Bennett: It's an N word!
Alex Trebek: No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
[ a horn honks ]
Alex Trebek: Please stop. What in the--?
[ Burt Reynolds arrives to have driven his podium under the name "Turd Ferguson" ]
Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds, what are you doing here?
[ Reynolds clears his throat ]
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that's, uh... that's not my name.
[ Trebek sighs ]
Alex Trebek: Alright. Turd Ferguson.
Burt Reynolds: Uh, sorry I'm late. I, uh, had to pick up my podium from the... from the garage.
Alex Trebek: Well, you're not late, you weren't invited.
Burt Reynolds: I'd like to solve the puzzle, Alex.
Alex Trebek: This isn't "Wheel of Fortune".
Burt Reynolds: Who is Andre the Giant?
Alex Trebek: Is that an answer to a question?
Burt Reynolds: No, I was just wondering, uh... just wondering, who is Andre the Giant?
Alex Trebek: You know what, Justin Bieber, why don't you choose a category?
Christoph Waltz: I will happily answer on Mr. Bieber's behalf!
Alex Trebek: Christoph Waltz? Where is Justin Bieber?
Christoph Waltz: Uh, I am afraid that Mr. Bieber had to depart for a prior engagement. But I assure you and all the Beliebers, that I will bring the same boyish enthusiasm to tonight's proceedings. Heart, heart, wink, and point! [ points at the camera ]
[ Trebek gives a stare ]
Alex Trebek: Let's just do "Letters Beginning With G" for $400. And the answer is: "This 'G' shaped letter comes between 'F' and 'H'."
[ Matthew McConaughey buzzes in, taking Bennett's place ]
Alex Trebek: Matthew McConaughey, what are you doing here?
Matthew McConaughey: What are any of us doing here? Whether I get your question right or wrong, free will is an illusion. Life is a game that plays us.
[ Trebek looks around in confusion ]
Alex Trebek: So you don't have an answer?
Matthew McConaughey: [ voice over ] At this point, I didn't know if I was dreaming him. Or if he was dreaming me. Also, I was 90% sure that I'd left my Lincoln running with the doors unlocked. And yet somehow, I felt it was completely safe.
Alex Trebek: Did you record a voice over for this?
Matthew McConaughey: [ voice over ] I did. [ back to normal ] Sorry. What is I did?
[ incorrect buzzer sounds ]
Matthew McConaughey: [ voice over ] Dammit.
Alex Trebek: Wha... wha... why do I bother?
Sean Connery: Alex, would it be alright if I picked the next category?
Alex Trebek: Well, that depends, Sean. Are you going to take the game seriously?
Sean Connery: Indeed I will. And I'd also like to offer sincere apologies for the way I've been behaving tonight.
Alex Trebek: Well, thank you, Sean. That means a lot. Why don't you pick a category?
Sean Connery: I'll take "Le Tits Now" for $800.
[ the category "Let It Snow" appears onscreen with Connery laughing in the background ]
Alex Trebek: That's "Let It Snow."
Sean Connery: No it's not. It's a French expression: "Bonjour, Mademoiselle. I'd like to see le tits now!" [ laughs hysterically as Reynolds buzzes in ]
Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.
[ Reynolds is seen wearing a large hat ]
Burt Reynolds: [ clears throat ] I, uh... I just remembered.
Alex Trebek: You remembered what?
Burt Reynolds: I remembered who Andre the Giant was. He, uh... he was a giant, and he went by the name of, uh... [ he clears throat ] Andre.
Alex Trebek: Why are you still talking about Andre the Giant? The answer is: "This is the color of snow."
[ Connery buzzes in ]
Sean Connery: What is yellow?
[ incorrect buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Incorrect.
Sean Connery: Are you sure? I made some yesterday. Spelled your name in the snowbank. Of course, it was your mother's handwriting! [ laughs hysterically ] She was holding the pen! So does he! [ laughs maniacally ]
[ Reynolds buzzes in ]
Alex Trebek: I despise you. Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: Um. [ clears throat ] Why don't you give me, uh... "Andre the Giant" for... $1,000?
Alex Trebek: No. It's not a category. Let's just go to "Potent Potables" for $600. It's our Video Daily Double. And it's about alcoholic beverages. Let's hear what this celebrity has to say about his favorite cocktail.
[ a room full of glass bottles of alcohol appears as Bill Cosby enters with a Potent Potable ]
Bill Cosby: Okay, now this potent potable is one-part gramba-jamba, and then, uh...
Alex Trebek: Oh. Oh, dear god, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Oh, dear god, no. I'm very sorry. We filmed that in June.
[ Connery laughs in the background ]
Sean Connery: That was BAD, Trebek! [ chuckles ]
Alex Trebek: Yes it was. Goodnight... [ Reynolds places over-sized on Trebek's head, blinding him ] Please, stop it. I'm tired of this.
[fade]

CastEdit

  • Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek
  • Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery
  • Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber
  • Alec Baldwin as Tony Bennett
  • Norm Macdonald as Burt Reynolds
  • Taran Killam as Christoph Waltz
  • Jim Carrey as Matthew McConaughey
  • Kenan Thompson as Bill Cosby