The Simpsons: Season: 3 Episode: 24

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[Syndication times are enclosed in curly braces {} and come courtesy of Frederic Briere.]

At the plant physical, dozens of man stand in line with their underwear. Lenny steps up stark naked -- turns out he forgot the physical was today. He asks to borrow Homer's, and he refuses.

Tester: This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat! [turns to Homer] Hey, no eating in the tank!

Homer: [with a chicken drumstick] Go to hell.

-- Homer's tremendous size, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer returns home:

Marge: How was your day at work, dear? Homer: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down

      this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way,

-- The usual day, eh?, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Meanwhile, Smithers and Burns discover that Homer Simpson is sterile, and that radiation from the plant is the reason. Smithers says that Homer could sue for millions. Burns asks for his lawyers. With them assembled in Burns' office, he talks to them:

Burns: Now before we begin, let me make one thing clear for you. I 

want your legal advice. I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal injuries, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery! I-- [getting ahold of himself] Oh, but I'm rambling. Would anyone like some coffee? Lawyer: Yes, I would like some coffee.

Burns: Want it black, don't you?  Black like your heart?  It's so 

hard for me to listen to you, I hate you all so much! [pause] I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue. Lawyer: If you offer Homer Simpson a token cash settlement, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled, he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.

Burns: [sarcastic] Oh, brilliant, a cash settlement.  I could have 

figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot! Lawyer: Got any cream?

Burns: Oh yes, of course, where are my manners?

-- Burns' anti-lawyer rant, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Meanwhile, below the poverty line, Herb Powell (Homer's half brother) has become a bum.

Yeah, I used to be rich. I owned Mickey Mouse Massage Parlors. Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down. -- A bum, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

I used to own a successful car company. My secret was giving them Japanese names. -- Herb Powell, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb: Any of you guys ever drive a Tempura Hatchback?

Bum: Hey, I got hit by one of those!

-- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Then Herb relates his tale of finding out he had a half-brother, in clips from 7F16 that relate the story.

Forbes called it the blunder of the century. A bit overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke? -- Herb, talking about the car Homer designed,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"
Herb: This is America, and in America, you're never finished as long
      as you have a brain in your head, because all a man really
      needs is an idea.

Bum 1: Well, I'm licked. Bum 2: Me too. -- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Meanwhile, at the Simpson house:

And now, the next event in our Living Room Olympics, the always controversial Couch Vault. [gruff voice] I do this for Stainmaster carpets, proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics. -- Bart announces the Living Room Olympics,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

To Olympics-knockoff music, Bart vaults using a broom, doesn't make it, and causes the couch to collapse, just as Homer walks in.

The dream is over! -- Homer laments the fate of the couch,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer: All right, who did this?

Bart: We were just sitting on the couch quietly chatting when we heard
      a creaking noise.
Lisa: We leapt off just in time to see it collapse.

[puts her head on Bart's shoulder]

Bart: There, there, you're safe now, little sister.

-- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Why did this have to happen now during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine? -- Homer laments the fate of the couch,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer recalls the "great memories" of him and the couch: Kristie confessing she shot J.R., Hands Across America, and Gomer Pyle (Shazam!)

Well, friend, you're going back where you came from... the curb in front of Flanders' house. -- Homer laments the fate of the couch,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb stands in a public park trying to figure out an idea, when a woman struggles to understand what her baby's trying to tell her.

Herb: [confronting her] Lady, you just gave me the idea of a

     lifetime!  How do I thank you?

Lady: Please don't hurt me. Herb: Consider it done. -- There's gratitude for 'ya, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer is called into Burns' office...

  Burns: [whispering] This is the man with the lazy sperm?

Smithers: Mm hmm.

  Burns: Ah, Simpson, you big virile son of a gun!

-- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Burns offers Homer a check for $2,000. All he has to do is sign this form.

Wait a minute, I'm not signing anything until I read it, or someone gives me the gist of it. -- Homer, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Burns explains hastily that Homer has won the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. (He says the last word like he normally says "Ex-cellent!" Homer agrees to sign it, but only with a big awards ceremony and a trophy. The lawyer has to agree.

The Bonita DeWolf & her Nuclear Plant Soft Shoe Society sing the song for the FAMBAFOAITFOE, which is simply the name of the award with "It's the" tacked on.

Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw! Bart: What about the Emmys? Lisa: I stand corrected. -- Lisa and Bart, chattin' it up, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Burns introduces Smokin' Joe Frazier...

[reading off a teleprompter] Webster's dictionary defines excellence as "the state or condition of being excellent." And now, the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence... -- Smokin' Joe Frazier, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer: [crossing fingers] Please, please, please, please, please!

Lisa: Dad, you know you won!

Homer: Don't jinx it! -- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Of course, Homer won. He cheers for himself and kisses Marge before falling off of his balcony seat.

[End of Act I. Time: 7'11" {6'47"}]

In Moe's Tavern...

Joe Frazier: Keep those pig legs coming, Moe. Moe: You cleaned me out, Smokin' Joe. -- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Moe and Joe Frazier try to comfort Homer about his loss of couch.

Homer, I know how you feel. You lost the couch. I lost the heavyweight championship. -- Smokin' Joe Frazier, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Heavyweight championship? There's like three of those. -- Homer, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

"This couch was one of a kind." Frazier consoles him, but Barney tells Joe to shut up. They take it outside, and Barney gets his ass kicked. Homer takes a walk...

All right, a peanut! [eats it] -- Barney, trashcanned, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Back under the railroad, Herb talks to his fellow bums...

Herb: All a man needs is an idea.

Bum: Then how come you're still a bum?

-- Good point, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

A man needs two things: an idea, and money to get it off the ground. -- Herb Powell, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

But then he discovers Homer Simpson won the FAMBAFOAITFOE through a newspaper on a bum's head. After finding out which train goes to Springfield, Herb stows away on a pillow train.

Meanwhile, Homer mopes about.

I feel so empty, so alone, so... couchless. -- Homer laments the fate of his couch,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

He discovers the Spine-Melter 2000. Trying it out, Homer asks for full power and is pulled into a 2001 style dream sequence. Homer wants to take it, but Marge finds out it costs $2000.

There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends. -- Homer discovers his new couch,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer thinks the chair is the answer, but Marge convinces him not to buy it. So he sticks around trying out the chair some more.

Herb is at the place -- he sees two adjoining house, one clean and one messy. He chooses the clean one. He rings the doorbell, and it plays "A Mighty Fortress is Our God". Got a feeling he had the wrong house.

Ned: [answering the door] Yes?

Herb: Oh, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong house.

Ned: Oh, that's where you're wrong, friend.

-- Herb pays a visit, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb's in luck -- today's Tithe Day at the Flanders and they got a transient.

Todd: Dad, can I anoint the sores on [Herb's] feet?

Ned: No, I think it's Mom's turn, son.

Todd: Aw, no fair. -- Goody two-shoes family, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

They clean up Herb and give him a suit.

If you ever want to sleep over, Maude and I can sleep on card tables. -- Ned Flanders, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Todd starts "Onward, Christian Soldiers" and the whole family joins in. Homer, sitting on his collapsed couch, covers his ears.

Oh, they're singing again. Lousy neighbors, wish I was deaf. -- Homer, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

The doorbell rings. Herb waits outside.

[at the door]

Herb: What am I going to say?  This is the guy who ruined me. But
      on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions,
      how to express them?

[Homer answers the door.] Homer: Herb? [Herb punches him out] -- There's a good way, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb walks over Homer's body and is greeted by Bart and Lisa. Homer laments, "You weren't so happy to see me."

Herb: Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the 

Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me

      in the butt?
Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

-- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Marge greets Herb with equal surprise as everyone else.

Marge: Herb! How have you been?

Herb: Well, I've been living in a cardboard box, sleeping on grates,
      eating out of dumpsters.  You?

Marge: Hmm, can't complain. -- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer gives Herb the grand tour, including how to work a light switch. He doesn't know what it does (it strikes up a Christmas roof light show meant for 1985.) They eat dinner.

Bart: Unckie Herb, what advice would you give to a young boy who

     would most likely become a bum like yourself?

Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese. -- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Lisa: Why didn't you write, Unckie Herb? Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear

     Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your 

-- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb lets Maggie in on a secret: she's going to make him rich again. Inappropriate onimous music plays. Later, the family plays Monopoly. Herb's turn:

Herb: [rolls a 3] Ventnor Avenue. Lisa: And while on Ventnor Avenue, you'll be staying at the fabulous

     Hotel Lisa. A valet will be around shortly to park your 
     thimble.  Of course, there is the unpleasant matter of the 

Herb: Get to the point. Lisa: 1150 bones. -- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb pays him the money, and he's bankrupt. "Just like in real life," laughs Homer. "I guess you're just not much of a businessman." Herb punches him.

Why are we playing games when we got two grand in the bank? Remember when Homer won the Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Acheivement in the Field of Excellence? -- Bart (whuzzuh)?, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Lisa thinks the money should be invested in the Greater Books of the Western Civilization. Homer reminds Marge she wanted to buy a vibrating chair, but Marge retorts: "That was your idea!" Bart has a different plan on how to spend the money:

I think we should get a machine gun. We can use it to hunt game, spell out things, or ring in the New Year! -- Bart, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Marge thinks the money should be spent on a new washer and dryer. (A scene of the shaking machines about to crush Snowball II proves her point.)

Herb: How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a
      second chance?

Homer: Nah. -- Brotherly love, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb invites the family in for a presentation that will change the world, and brings out a drinking bird. Homer is in awe. Herb tells him to take it easy, but Homer continues to ogle the bird. Herb introduces his true plan: a baby translator.

It measures the pitch, the frequency, and the urgency of a baby's cry, and then tells whoever's around, in plain English, exactly what the baby's trying to say! Everything from "Change me" to "Turn off that damn Raffi record!" -- Herb explains his baby translator,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb says that he simply needs $2,000 for research. The whole family agrees that Homer should give him the money.

Homer: All right, Herb. I'll give you the money, but first you

      have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.
Herb: Nope.

Homer: All right, then just give me the drinking bird. -- Homer and the bird, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

[End of Act II. Time: 15'25" {15'01"}]

Herb goes through the various stages of the testing process. After a long period of research, Herb unveils his creation.

Herb: Now I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet. Bart: Not really. We snuck a peek while you were in the john. -- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

He reveals his less-than-spectacular creation. Marge "oooh"s. Herb says "You don't have to humor me", but she retorts that it's pretty ingrained. Homer says it's the stupidest thing he ever saw.

Homer: I can't believe we spent $2,000 on this when right now rollers

      could be kneading my buttocks.
Herb: Homer, would you stop thinking about your ass?!

Homer: I try, but I can't... -- An ass-obsessed man, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Just then Maggie reveals its ability.

Lavish attention on me, and entertain me. -- Maggie's first "words", "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Everyone is in awe. Lisa plays peekaboo with her.

     Lisa: Maggie? Maggie? [covers her eyes]
   Maggie: [babbles]

Translator: [monotone] Where did you go?

     Lisa: Peekaboo! [uncovers eyes]
   Maggie: [laughs]

Translator: [monotone] Oh, there you are. Very amusing. -- The side-effects of the translator,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Homer still isn't convinced.

People are afraid of new things. You should have just taken an existing product and put a clock on it or something. -- Homer, on the baby translator, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

But Marge must dissent. In bed, Homer laments his fate.

I gave Herb all the money I had in the world, and he still treats me like something he pulled out of his ear. -- Homer laments his fate, "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

In the Baby Convention ("Tu-Fr, No Triplets!"), Professor John Frink unveils his baby airplane, which allows your baby to fly. Frink demonstrates with his son. But after a "perfect landing" fails, Frink is upset. "Oh, no, my wife is going to kill me." Herb's baby translator is much more of a success.

I'm rich again! U-S-A! U-S-A! -- Herb's success with the translator,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb gives his family several gifts. To Marge, he buys new washer and dryer, and sold the old ones for $50. At Moe's Tavern, the washer and dryer are being raced. Bart gets a membership in the NRA. Lisa gets a subscription to the Greater Books oof the Western Civilization.

I bet you don't have a vibrating chair in that bag for me. -- Homer to Herb about his lack of present,

    "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

Herb invites Homer to walk him to his car. Homer asks what he gets, unless it's a punch in the face. Herb forgives Homer and allows him to call Herb "brother", and he can do the same.

Herb: Give me a hug, brother.

Homer: All right, but I never really hugged a man before. -- "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"

They hug, and a truck pulls in. "I got you the damn chair!" Homer multiple-kisses him. At the end of the show, Homer sits in his vibrating chair with glee, vibrating away. So are his few sperm.

[End of Act III. Time: 20'05" {19'40"}]