The Venture Bros.: Season: 4 Episode: 13

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Everybody Comes to Hank's Assisted Suicide (The Venture Bros.)


Phantom Limb: (narriating) 300 miles above the Earth, Dr. Jonas Venture Jr. is hard at work on his Gargantua-2 space station. His life hangs by a thin oxygen tube manufactured by a recently acquired subsidiary of Impossible Industries. Meanwhile, closer to home, Girl-Hitler addresses the General Assembly of the United Nations, but she is instantly killed when her microphone suffers a short. Elsewhere, the Monarch visits his local ATM, only to discover his trust fund is empty. His bank, also recently acquired by Impossible Industries, has just been robbed -- and they’re not FDIC. Tempestuous as he is foolish, he blames his wife, but she’s already dead, murdered by a pair of well-placed sleeper agents within the Monarch’s own ranks but made to look like the work of a lowly, lovelorn henchman who has, of late, exhibited signs of instability. And all the while, the Guild of Calamitous Intent loses member after member to sudden mysterious deaths, and the weight of failure is simply too heavy for the Sovereign’s thin white shoulders to bear. What do these hapless fools all have in common? They dared to betray the members of the Revenge Society! So, what do you think?

Professor Impossible: Hmm. Frankly, it’s a little killy.

Baron Underbheit: I like it. I’m in.

Professor Impossible: Hey, and are we married to that name "Revenge Society"? I was thinking perhaps "The Violet Hour". That’s T.S. Eliot.

Oh, that’s awful. It sounds like we should be headlining the Lilith Festival.

I was thinking maybe "The Purple Pros" because we all wear the purple und-

The name stays. And you don’t get a vote, Werner -- not till you’ve first proved your loyalty.

Just a formality.

Ja, I understand. We have a similar ritual in the Elite Underlandian Guard.

- Oh, dear God.

- Mother of pearl!


Oh, we -- we just wanted you to sign a piece of, uh… [door got knocked] Uh, just a minute! Violet Hour, hide! And take him with you!

Dean Venture: 3 pipin’-hot coffees -- just the way you like ‘em. (narriating) Excelsior, faithful readers! It’s your roving reporter, Deanie V. , bringing you the latest edition of the "Venture Home News," all the way from New York City, home of the world-famous Impossible Industries, where yours truly has just landed a summer internship. I thought maybe Pop pulled some strings to get me accepted, but the nice-smelling lady who hired me said she’d never heard of him. And, boy, Professor Impossible sure was surprised to see me. Yeah, I never got the feeling he liked me very much before, but on my very first day on the job, he promoted me to his executive assistant. Guess they’re a little short-staffed at the moment. Uh, maybe the recession? So far, I haven’t gotten to do any science stuff, uh, but that’s okay. Mostly I answer phones, sort mail, and make sure he gets his morning coffee, just the way he likes it -- with milk and sugar -- and also one black and also one black with two sugars. It’s no wonder he’s so jumpy. Then again, he might just be nervous about the big new project he’s launching. It’s so super-hush-hush secret, though, even I don’t know what it is yet. So, let me tell you about my new home. Making it in New York on an unpaid intern’s un-salary is pretty tough, but Hank found me a rent-controlled apartment in the want ads. The ad said it was cozy, and the landlord said a guy died in here, but with a little thrifty redecorating, I’ve managed to make it a home. I don’t have much money for entertainment, so most nights I just stay home and make my own fun. I also learned to cook for myself, and the K-rations Sergeant Hatred left me should last me all summer long. Well, that’s about all the time I have for this edition of the "Venture Home News. " This is Deanie V. , saying see you next time, Venture-oos! [door got knocked] Who is it?

Dr. Thaddeus S. "Rusty" Venture: Open up, boy. I think the rats can smell the combos in my bag. Hello, son!
Dean: Daddy!
Rusty: Surprised to see me? Oh, geez, look at this place. What, are you waiting for Jacob Riis to take your picture?

What are you doing here? I got hooked! I’m bonkers for Broadway! Yeah, after Hatred and I took in "The Music Man" last week, I bought my walkman back from Hank’s store and loaded it up with show tunes. Now I can’t get enough of that sweet stuff. Hank has a store? Ooh! I want to take in all the big shows. Oh, do you mind if I crash here for about a week? A week?! I don’t know if there’s room here -- I get it. You’re worried the old man’s gonna cramp your style. Here, look -- whenever you want the place to yourself, just tie this around the doorknob, and presto -- no moleste -- old college trick. In fact, I think this is my tie from college. My lucky tie -- meow. Yeah, only it goes on the outside. Well I sure would love to catch up with you, Pop, but I have work in the morning, so I -- Well, go on. Go on. Don’t let me get in your way. Just go about your business. You’ll never even know I was here. Ya Dat dat dat dat Dat dat da Yada dada da, yada dada da Oh, don’t mind me. I had this dynamite idea for a new musical. Just wanted to jot down a few notes before I forget them. Okay Ba ba Yada dada dada Yada Yada, yada, yada Dat dat dat da Ahh. Ohh. Ugh! Say, Baron Underbheit, what’s all the hubbub? Ohh! I just want to arch my nemesis, but I can’t understand all these forms! Und I can’t get anyone from The Guild on the phone. Sounds like you two need The Revenge Society. Now, uh, gentlemen, before we start interviewing potential candidates, You need to keep one thing in mind --"S. P. A. W. M. " That awful comic book? Oh, and that movie? What was Martin Sheen thinking? Not "Spawn. " S. P. A. W. M. -- it’s an acronym for the classic panoply of powers every professional villain team needs -- speed, power, air, water, magic. The "w" can also stand for "wind" or "weather," but you definitely need at least one elemental in the mix. Ooh, like a fire guy -- that would be cool. Well, guess what, chicken butt, fellas -- good news. Aah! Eh? What’d I tell you? Yes, sir. Thanks to this little dynamo, Impossible Industries is 100% green! And you didn’t think you had it in you to be a supervillain. This is the most deliciously evil thing I’ve ever seen. - Uh, Professor Impossible? - I’m taking my lunch now. Psst! Psst! Dean? Dean, over here! Sit down and act natural. I thought you were taking me to lunch. Better yet -- I brought lunch to you. Sack lunch -- here you go. We’re sharing the fries. Anyway, I have an ulterior motive for asking you here. I need you to perform a little, uh, shall we say, industrial espionage. Pop, even if I knew what Professor Impossible’s big secret project was, I’m not allowed to -- - Not that. Wait. He’s working on a secret project? What is it? Oh, whatever. Never mind. Just take this. I’m gonna need two dozen copies, stapled and collated. And be sure each one gets one of these. What is this? My musical! I finished it! It’s all about my childhood, my adventures My secret longing for a better world I’m gonna hit every agent and producer in town. Dred Scott! What is he doing here? Well, you were the one eavesdropping. He mumbled something about industrial espionage, and then he just kept talking about "Annie Get Your Gun. " Do you think it’s some type of code? He’s on to us. You’re both being paranoid. Don’t you see what this is? This is opportunity knocking at our door. Who disfigured you for life and helped Girl Hitler steal your throne? Who seduced your wife, then passed her off to his brother for sloppy seconds? I’ll tell you who -- the very same cretin who allied with his own enemies to thwart me at Cremation Creek and the Battle for the Orb. Gentlemen, The Revenge Society just landed its first assignment -- kill Dr. Venture! What? Like, right now? Mmm. Oh. Oh! Curtain’s in 10 minutes. Better hail a cab. Taxi! Now, I still have to write all the music, but the real trick will be finding a good Rusty. I need someone with a voice, real stage presence, sex appeal. Oh, and I’m probably gonna have to stay in town for an extra week or two. Oh, I don’t know, pop. Oh, no, I wouldn’t dream of asking you, son. I mean, you look the part, but you’re a terrible actor. No. What? I-I mean -- Just awful. Look, we can talk about it at home tonight, okay? Have fun at work, son. Oh, make those copies. Broadway district, and step on it. Hey! Coming up next on Taxi TV, we’ve got great places around the city to eat, and we’ll be talking to a local man Ugh. Touch screens never work. Greetings, Dr. Venture. This is The Revenge Society. Now that I have your undivided attention, listen to me very carefully. We have -- hello? Are you listening to me? Yada-chanted evening Stranger Um uh, wh-- Now we’re cooking with gas. Nighty-night, Dr. Venture. Pleasant screams. Gah! Whoa! End of the line, sir. Please remember to take all your personal belongings and be sure to tip your driver. What? This is funny to you? I just almost got killed. Get the hell out of my way. I’m gonna miss the overture. Fucking tourists. Okay, that was crap. What the hell happened there? I can’t believe he ditched the cab fare. Zounds! That Venture is wily prey! Why on earth did you put the sleep gas in the front of the cab? I thought you were supposed to be a genius! Well, I’ve never done this kind of thing before. It’s our first mission as a team. There are bound to be a few hiccups. Let’s not squabble, Hamilton. Very well. Positives? On the up side, Werner did an excellent job as the cabbie - until you gassed him!

All right, that’s just passive-aggressive, friend. I see exactly what you’re doing there.

Dean: [open a door without knocking] Sorry I’m late, Professor Impossible. You see, my dad stopped by for lunch and the- *gasp* Phantom Limb!

Underbheit: What the hell was that shit out there?

Dean: Baron Underbeit!

Professor Impossible: Now, now, Dean, this isn’t what it appears, so let’s all try to just keep calm.

Dean: Aah! [blow a whistles, hit Underbheit’s leg with stick, get shocked by Phantom Limb into unconsciousness]

Hot sandwich! You’ve murdered the Venture boy.

Huh? Aah!

Ah, good. You’re up. Oh, thank goodness. You got away from them? Oh, no, Dean. Those fellows are with me. - Aah! I think maybe it’s time I let someone in on my big secret project. Our secret project. You see, I’ve known Werner there since he was a student of mine. And Hamilton and I go all the way back to your grandfather’s Boys’ Brigade days. But their lives took a different turn when they both suffered horrible, disfiguring accidents which left them unable to work. They soon found themselves on the wrong side of the law just to make ends meet. And now that they’ve served their time, they’re looking for a way to become useful, productive members of society again -- only no one will hire them because of their criminal records. Now, does that sound like the America you want to live in, young Dean? - No, sir. - Me neither, youngster. So, that’s why, starting tomorrow, Impossible Industries is launching the Impossi-Care Second Chance Employment Program. That’s what all the secrecy was about? Of course. What? You didn’t think I went all evil or something, did you? Oh, that is rich. How long have you been working for me now, anyway? About a week. Well, I think you’re way overdue for a promotion. - I-I am? - Yes, sirree. Starting tomorrow, I’m making you our new head of human resources! - Really? - Good night, lad! Remember -- promotion, human resources, me not evil! Good night! Wow. Ow! - Sorry. Th-There was a prowler on the fire escape earlier. Did you make my copies? Okay, people, I want two orderly lines! If your name starts with "A" through "J," I want you to line up over here to my left. K’s through R’s, you’re on the right. What if your name starts with no earthly letter? Ugh, I thought Manhattan was the epicenter of supervillainy. It looks more like the island of misfit toys out there. Come on. Give me some room here. Well, it wasn’t designed for three. Who knew? Okay, Dean, who’s first? Polygamy! Mr. Polygamy! And this is Mrs. Polygamy, Mrs. Polygamy, Mrs. Polygamy, and Mrs. Polygamy. So, what exactly does magic underwear do? Chuk-luk! Zhhhhh. Um, was something supposed to happen? You didn’t see that? I just grew bigger. No, you didn’t. I did -- like, at least He saw it. I think, um yes, I think he might have. No. Look! Look -- he’s on his toes! Fat Chance. And before you make your little weight-ist judgments, I got this way ‘cause of a botched scientific experiment. You are preaching to the choir, friend. Tell me about it. Yeah, so, basically the accident transformed my body into a portal to another dimension, and now I can pull stuff out of time and space through my duodenum. Boom. And you find that useful? Sometimes. Ladyhawk Johnson, and the little fella buzzing in your ear there is my husband and partner of 40 years, Mr. Lyndon Bee. And what are your special powers? Well, by night, I turn into a hawk, but by day, he’s a bee, and never the twain shall meet, except during a eclipse, of course! Well, of course, we’ll have to interview Mr. Bee separately, when he’s, um Not a bee. Well, tell him "hi" for me, will you? So, um, I-I-I can’t seem to find your résumé. Uh, Dean, can you bring me the paperwork on, uh -- What was your name again? So, um, how did you hear about The Revenge Society? Uhwhere might we know some of your work from? Aah! He’s not on the list. I-I’m sorry. I don’t know how he got in here. And he’s got a knife super power. Brick frog! Thank you! Ugh. Worse than useless. Hardly any of them are worthy of The Revenge Society. Dean, that’ll be all for today. Uh, you still have one more interview, sir. This gentleman’s been waiting since sundown. Phew. What? Ew. Yes! Quick -- what’s the most popular musical in Germany? What? Uh -- "Starlight Express," exactly! Whoo! Yeah, roller skates -- the whole cast. "Rust!" needs a gimmick to hook the foreign investors. - But why did you -- - Oh, that? Yeah, it kept getting caught in my wheel, so I just tossed it out there with the rest of the -- Oh! You -- You thought I was -- He knows his old man. Why is this here?! It was blocking my center stage. I have to go to the toilet! Number one? Use the tub. That’s what I do. Urrrrgh! Oh, mein gott, you guys will never guess what I found on the copy machine. Yada da Rusty Super My name is Rusty It’s Rusty Venture Boy adventurer Oh, that’s good. That’s good. That guy bothering you? Kind of. Shh. I understand. You can’t talk. You need help. Just blink twice if he’s your pimp. No. What? No, he’s my dad. Oh. So, uh, what brings you two to the big apple, then? Well, I got this internship at Impossible Industries, but -- Superscience, huh? Yeah, I used to be in that racket myself. Really? Why’d you give it up? Pfft. You’re lookin’ at it. Yeah, I had a little mishap in the lab back when I was working on my irradiated spider thesis - kind of soured me on the whole superscience deal. Mm. Yeah, I’m not really sure I want to be a superscientist, either, but my dad really wants me to follow in his footsteps. Yeah, I can see why you really wouldn’t want to do that. But, hey, you’re working with Professor Impossible now. That’s "A"-list. You could practically write your own ticket. Yeah, you’d think, right? I mean, I thought things would be different there, but it’s just the same old story -- do nothing all day. Then a bunch of guys in costumes come out and bother you. I could get that at home. Sounds like somebody would rather be doing something else. What I really want to be is a boy reporter. I’m -- I’m sorry. What is that enchanting music? The dreams I buried with robot fingers Daddy? Daddy, I need to talk to you. Why, Rusty I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve come to a decision. Are you listening? The man of action like muscle mothers Fine. not brothers on grand adventures They pushed me with them for mayhem Who’s Rusty? I’m Rusty-y-y I’m Rusty-y-y Ever done any musical theater? Well, I was in "Sound of Music" when I was a kid. Oh, and I have perfect spider pitch. I’ve found my Rusty. Hello? - Dr. Venture? Yes, this is Thaddeus S. Venture. To whom am I speaking? Yeah, this is, uh, Frank Bigtime from, uh, Bigtime Productions. I just read your "Rust!" script, and I got to tell you -- I think it’s dynamite stuff. Can you come in for a meeting? Uh, sure! When? - How about right now? Well, now works for me, too. Where are you at? - Impossible Plaza. - Impossible Plaza? I guess I’m not the only superscientist who needs renters to pay the mortgage, huh? - What? - Oh, nothing. I’ll be there. Taxi! Impossible Plaza, and step on it.

Baron Underbheit: You got it, buddy.

Rusty: Uh, hello? Hello?
[Professor Impossible turns all powers off]
Dean: What?
Rusty: Hello? Hello? Hello?

Phantom Limb: Thank you for coming on such short notice, Dr. Venture.

Rusty: Phantom Limb?! Wait. You’re- you’re a producer now?

Phantom Limb: Yes, and the reviews are in. I’m afraid Rusty will be ending his run on Broadway tonight. Of course, I’ll have to consult with my partners first.

Fat Chance: Think you’re getting out of here alive, slim? Fat Chance!
Lyndon-Bee: You shall not seek and I will not accept your escape.
Rusty: Aah!
Underbheit: Going down?
Professor Impossible: Boo!

Phantom Limb: Take a bow, Dr. Venture! This is your final curtain call! [all villains laugh]

Fat Chance: Aah! [trip onto Dr. Venture]
Underbheit: Way to go, new guy!
Fat Chance: What? I couldn’t see your invisible leg! Why the hell’s it got to be so dark in here, anyway, huh? 

Uh ah! Where di-- What -- where in blazes did he go?! Aw, geez. Aw, he must have got sucked into my enigma hole. Cody? Aah! Uh, remain calm, sir! I will save you! Aah! Aah! Aah! Don’t -- stop, drop, and roll! Stop, drop, and roll! Sir! - Aah! Aah! - Wait! Aah! Wait! Wait, man on fire! Hey, I told you -- I don’t know where it goes, okay? It’s completely random. This one time, during a bank heist, I pulled a slip ‘n slide, The Beach Boys’ "Pet Sounds," and half a freakin’ Roman legion out of there. Aah! Fire, Professor Impossible! It’s fire! Please exit the building via the fire stairs in a calm, orderly manner. Quickly, gentlemen -- to the Impossi-car! But I thought we were calling it The Revenge Mobile now. I’m Rusty I’m Rusty the man of action like muscle mothers not brothers on grand adventures they push me with them for mayhem he’s Rusty


Hank: Hey.
Dean: Hey.

Hank: How was your summer?

Dean: Well, I think I may have watched my career in superscience go up in smoke. But I may have managed to pull my dreams from the ashes. How was yours?

Hank: Oh, from what I hear, it was amazing.

Dean: H-Have you seen Pop? He left New York without even saying goodbye. [Dr. Venture with hair coming through the portal] Daddy?

Alternate Rusty: Puh! You should be so lucky.

Rusty: Ow! All right, let’s just take it easy.

Alternate Rusty: You just zip it, mister! And keep to your own dimension from now on.

Rusty: Fine. I don’t even like your dimension, anyway. It’s an asshole dimension. How do you like that?

Alternate Rusty: Oh, nice potty mouth in front of the boys. Look, you’re the Dean of this dimension, right? Explain to the untalented Mr. Ripley here he can’t just waltz into my dimension and try to kill me with a rock and replace me just because I happen to have more hair, more money, and a hit play on Broadway!