FANDOM


The Venture Bros.: Season: 5 - Episode: 7

Previous transcript: Next transcript:
Momma's Boys (The Venture Bros.) The Devil's Grip

[incomplete]


  • [Mexican accent] The big top got a little smaller today, and the world got a little less funny. Boggles the Clue Clown has told his last joke.
  • [Robotic voice] Sovereign has called an emergency meeting to appoint - Councilman 4’s replacement.
  • - His name was Boggles, you chromium crossbreed! Stuff your meeting! I’m mourning here!
  • - My apologies, Red Mantle/dragoon hybrid. I know you men were close.
  • - They were close. I never much cared for the man. I found his jokes tedious, his riddles obvious- 
  • Oh, the two of you! Honestly, if you hate Boggles so much, why don’t you go over there with those dicks?
  • - Can’t believe he’s really gone.
  • - Right? Who the hell are we gonna fight now?
  • - Language, chum. And stay alert. If I know the Clue Clown, he’s got one last trick up his puffy sleeve.
  • [Camera shutter clicking]
  • - Ptchoo! Gotcha! Ptchoo! Ptchoo! Ptchoo! Direct hit. Find your light, ladies. Smile. You’re on covert camera.
  • - All right, just take it easy on the equipment there.
  • Brock: Anyone else find it a little convenient the one guy on - the council monstroso I.D.’d suddenly dropped dead?
  • - There’s nothing convenient - about heart disease, I can assure you, Agent Samson.
  • - Especially when your ticker taps out behind the wheel of your clown car. Heard it took 20 minutes to pull - his hench-clowns out before they could even get to him.
  • Brock: I just hope hunter’s hunch is right and some of his council cronies show up to pay their respects.
  • It was Boggles’ last wish that I read this. [Clears throat] "To Captain Sunshine, my longtime nemesis. What kind of jack won’t help you fix a flat or score a royal flush or plug your phone in? The answer may surprise you."
  • - [Scoffs] Shucks, that one’s easy.
  • - Shh! Flat, flush, phone Boggles, you fiend! What does it mean?!
  • [Crowd gasps] Too soon! [Spring squeaks]
  • - He always said he’d have the last laugh.
  • - He was always wrong.
  • [calliope plays Chopin’s "Funeral march"]
  • No! No-o-o-o! [Crying] No. Get off me!
  • - Hold up. I think we’ve got an elemental.
  • - Boom! Yummy. What’s he look like?
  • - She’s an earth mover, about 5’7", 2 heads.
  • - Great. Now hand’s all dirty, too.
  • - Have you concluded your mourning, Red Mantle?
  • - You again?
  • - Because that meeting Good god, man. Have you no humanity left in you whatsoever?
  • This is why you have no friends, Vendata.
  • [Camera shutter clicks]
  • His name is Vendata. Guild cyborg, started henching in the late ‘70s, earned Level-1 status with a string of high-Profile super crimes in the ‘80s. Largely inactive since ‘98.
  • - And a dead ringer for Councilman #1. All right. This is it, sports fans the brass ring. If we can get to this guy, we can get to the Guild.
  • Brock: So, what else do we know about him? Someone must have built him, right?
  • I’ve tried searching earlier records, but all of that data is classified. As you know, I don’t have clearance to -
  • I sure as hell do.
  • - Okay.
  • So, um, should I not look, or - There it is.
  • "Vendata formerly known as Venturion. Cyborg prototype built by - Venture Industries circa 1976."
  • - He’s the Bicentennial Man! - Brock: Whoa.
  • Old Jonas must have pulled some strings to get that buried.
  • - I’m not listening.
  • Hmm.
  • "Project abandoned after subject exhibited erratic behavior, - attempted to strangle Rusty Venture."
  • Brock: Been there.
  • So, uh, how do we put - the screws to a rogue Robocop? - Simple.
  • - Check out this morning’s Guildslist.
  • - "Bot seeks bot. Mature professional man of metal looking to make a meaningful connection"?
  • Brock: A cyborg placed a personals’ ad.
  • - Well, he’s still half a man, ain’t he? - Now we know which half.
  • - Everyone gets lonely sometimes.
  • - They’re not as lucky as us.
  • - "Might we make good alloys." 
  • - What’s that, a typo? Does he mean allies? - Cyborgs don’t make typos.
  • It’s a pun a God-awful one, but that’s our in.
  • Classic honey trap.
  • - Sir, I’m willing to volunteer for this mission.
  • - Mm, nope.
  • - Sorry, goldie.
  • You ain’t his type.
  • - Well, I’m not doing a robot.
  • - Brock: Well, then, who is? - Appreciate you coming in on such short notice.
  • We wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t real important.
  • [Robotic voice] I am glad to be of assistance.
  • We are all on the same team, right? And teamwork is what it’s all about, so it is with great pleasure that I officially introduce the new Councilman 4 to our little family.
  • - Thanks, guys.
  • Really looking forward - So, if there’s no other business, I hereby - adjourn this session of the council of 13.
  • - Wait, is that it? First new member in, like, 15 years.
  • Shouldn’t we celebrate or something? Yes! Take the new guy out? Welcome him to the team? [All murmur agreement] There will be no celebration! Anonymity is essential to the business of this committee.
  • Oh, please.
  • Whom are we trying to kid? We all know who we really are, and the new guy well, it’s clearly phage.
  • Look at his head, for god’s sake.
  • Councilman 3 and 8, I am willing to overlook your - indiscretion at the Clue Clown’s funeral.
  • - I didn’t want to go to that! But I will tolerate no further violations of council code.
  • Meeting adjourned.
  • - You guys still here? - Right.
  • Where are we doing this? Uh, why don’t y’all just swing by my club tonight? Drinks on the house.
  • I can’t make it tonight, guys.
  • I’m sorry.
  • - Tele-Screening in from Phoenix.
  • The grandkids are here.
  • - Oh, I have, uh, youth group tonight.
  • - And, uh, uh, I’m on the moon.
  • - [Robotic voice] I cannot attend either.
  • Oh, good-time Charlie can’t make it.
  • - Big surprise.
  • [All chuckle] - What, do you have a hot date? - Ooh.
  • - No.
  • It is more just dinner with - with a friend.
  • - Oh, since when do you have friends? - Who is this "friend"? A cuisinart? - This jocularity is quite amusing, but I really must go.
  • I am programmed for strict punctuality.
  • So, how about the rest of you? Should we carpool? Yeah, we’re all so spread out.
  • Let’s just meet at the club around 9:00.
  • - Done deal.
  • It’s a party, then.
  • So much for your precious anonymity.
  • - Least I tried.
  • - And you Moon.
  • You’re coming out.
  • Brock: Nice.
  • The tech boys did a good job.
  • You look just like him.
  • Now, remember, your name is Galacticon.
  • You downloaded his profile, right? You got it all memorized? - Fingers.
  • Fingers.
  • - Brock: Pay attention, ghost robot.
  • Galacticon.
  • My name is Galacticon.
  • Level-3 terror-bot, Guild member - five years.
  • I work out of Tucson.
  • - Brock: That’s my bot.
  • - All right, he’s ready.
  • - Where am I supposed to stick this? - Not gonna go there.
  • - There is no need.
  • I have a wire built - into my head.
  • - Brock: Okay.
  • Better head in.
  • - Something tells me this guy’s the punctual type.
  • - Hey, so, where do you guys want me on that ridge over there? Honey of a shot from over there.
  • - Brock: No, headshot.
  • Just hang tight for now.
  • - Yeah, you just park that cute - little derriere of yours right here.
  • - You know, enough, shore leave.
  • We’re all just a little tired of the whole sassy, gay-guy - schtick, okay? You know I’m with Amber.
  • - Mm, really? - [Chuckling] Does Amber know that? - What? - What’s that supposed to mean? - Brock: Hey, you know, yeah.
  • That, uh, ridge up there does look pretty good.
  • Yeah, you got a good shot from up there.
  • - Er, uh, sweet ride, Steppenwolf.
  • - Thanks.
  • Built the old doom buggy here myself back in ‘66.
  • Ford Cobra engine, chrome-plated Stromberg carburetors, Bobby Barr racing headers she’s not street legal, of - course, but then, I am a supervillain.
  • - Oh, but those were heady times.
  • We’d all get together on the weekends and race one another.
  • I, in my Mantle-mobile, and Boggles in his clue car.
  • Boggles Hey, who was that one fellow uh, what’s his name? With the mustache? - Oh, that narrows it down.
  • - No, no.
  • You know the one.
  • He had a dog whom he taught to drive, and it would taunt and snicker at us.
  • What?! Oh, you senile, old fool.
  • You’re thinking of the "Wacky races." Yes, yes.
  • They could get quite wacky at times.
  • Ooh! We should get a dog.
  • - So - So You look different from your photographs.
  • - Are you disappointed? - Ambivalent.
  • Merely re-calibrating expectations.
  • There.
  • - I guess you do this a lot.
  • - Actually, it is my first time.
  • - Really, now.
  • You don’t say.
  • - Affirmative.
  • I have difficulty connecting with people.
  • Some of my co-workers - have been razzing me about it.
  • - Tell me about your co-workers.
  • - Brock: Nice, G.R. Real subtle.
  • - Are you ready to order? - Full disclosure I do not eat.
  • - I do.
  • However, I can only consume a specially formulated enzyme paste.
  • - So - Yes.
  • Let us go somewhere else.
  • Brock: No, no.
  • Don’t! Abort.
  • Abort.
  • Can he even hear me? - Where is your vehicle parked? - I took the public transportation.
  • Then we will take my vehicle.
  • [Car alarm chirps] Brock: Where the hell is he taking him? We’re in the middle of nowhere.
  • Maybe he’s looking for a nice, quiet place to park and neck.
  • - Brock: Or a nice, quiet place for a hit.
  • - Not if I take him out first.
  • Brock: No.
  • Headshot, headshot, wait a sec.
  • Snoop, throw the cloak up.
  • - Dude! - Oh, sorry.
  • Sorry.
  • I’m on it.
  • - Oh, where did all my Windows go? - Brock: Come on, man.
  • You’re gonna blow our cover.
  • - Is something the matter? - Negative.
  • [All sigh, mutter] I thought I saw something, but I did not.
  • Have you been here before? - No.
  • I have not.
  • - Welcome to Don Hell’s, gentlemen. Guild I.D.’s, please.
  • Sorry, Galacticon.
  • You know how Don is about rules.
  • - You fellas have a good time tonight, okay? - Brock: So, it’s a, uh - Nightclub? - And we just lost his signal.
  • - Brock: What? Get it back.
  • - Well, I can’t.
  • They must have gone underground.
  • Stupid machine! Brock: So, you’re telling me we just sent our unarmed civilian informant into an underground nest of supervillains, and we’re deaf, dumb, and blind out here?! [Electronic dance music plays] And a lot of old villain crap here from my bodyguard days.
  • - Should find something that will fit you.
  • - So, what is this, like your fortress of Brockitude? Secret Brock cave? Shouldn’t you have blindfolded me before you let me in? - Gassed me or something? - Brock: Keep it up, and I might.
  • - Here.
  • - So, what, did you kill all these guys? Brock: Most, yeah.
  • Some of them just dropped their [bleep] and ran.
  • - Who was this chief? - Brock: I don’t know.
  • I was too busy road-hauling him to catch his name.
  • Unless it was "Wait, wait, please stop"-man.
  • Snoop, we’re gonna need two Guild I.D.’s.
  • One for a, uh, Yeti Mummy, - and, uh, who do you want to be? - Hmm.
  • How about the Fruit Bat.
  • - Brock: And one for the Fruit Bat.
  • - Wait, wait.
  • No, no, no.
  • - I’m Conquista-Dorable.
  • - Brock: Oh, just hurry up and pick one.
  • All right.
  • Whoever’s in there, put your hands where I can see them.
  • [Gun cocks] Ah, hey.
  • It’s just you guys.
  • - Uh, what are you up [exclaims] - Brock: Aw, dude.
  • What? He startled me.
  • Besides, we’re on a secret mission here.
  • You know he would have tried to crash the party.
  • Dr. Venture: Party? You guys having a party in here? Hope I’m invited, seeing as it’s - my house you’re breaking and entering.
  • - Brock: Oh, hey, Doc, uh, no.
  • No party.
  • Just, uh, came to, uh, grab some of my old stuff.
  • - So, we’re just leaving.
  • - Dr. Venture: Great. Hatred’s off the wagon again.
  • Nice work, Brock.
  • Wh is that my Yeti-Mummy costume? - You never returned it to the shop? - Brock: Uh, yeah, no.
  • That’s what I had to come back here for.
  • Sorry about that.
  • - I’ll take care of the late fee.
  • - Dr. Venture: Come on, Brock.
  • You never could lie to me.
  • - Where’s the party? - Brock: Doc, I really got to go.
  • The costume shop closes in 10 minutes.
  • I don’t want to get charged for another day! [Tires squeal] All right.
  • That’s a rum and coke, Tom Collins, old fashioned, absinthe and soda, kamikaze, single-malt scotch neat, and a light beer.
  • - Enjoy, guys.
  • - What were you thinking?! We’re mixing drinks.
  • - Beer before liquor, never been sicker.
  • - Then drink yours fast.
  • - Never.
  • - You made it.
  • Welcome.
  • Welcome.
  • Look who else decided to show up.
  • If it isn’t Councilman fun.
  • Who the hell’s he with? Is that G-g-g-g-galacticon? [Laughs] I didn’t know Vendata was into rough trade.
  • That Galacticon guy is in here - every week picking up a new John.
  • - And here is another thing that has always vexed me about that show.
  • Why do they call it "chips" as an acronym for California Highway Patrol? It should logically be - pronounced "chipes," with a long "i." 
  • - My co-workers I told you about.
  • - I should probably say "hello." 
  • - Great.
  • - I am eager to meet them.
  • - No. No.
  • I will only be a moment.
  • I don’t see what the problem is.
  • I’m a fully licensed member of - this Guild in good standing.
  • - Club’s full, Truman Ca-blow-me.
  • ‘Sup, guys.
  • Can I see some I.D.? All right.
  • Enjoy yourselves, gentlemen.
  • How come they get to go in? - Brock: Geez, look at this Place.
  • Tragic.
  • - Ugh, right? - Jungle is so ‘90s.
  • - Brock: All right.
  • I’m gonna go look for ghost for, uh, Galacticon.
  • You hang close to the door in case things get weird er.
  • You got it, Chew-Brock-a.
  • Ooh, somebody’s been working out.
  • Oh, are you kidding? I practically live at the gym.
  • - Oh.
  • [Giggles] I’m called Vespertina.
  • - Well, I call you adorable.
  • Girlfriend, that costume is to die for.
  • Barkeep, two appletinis, s’il vous plait.
  • [Car horn honks] Quizboy: All right.
  • All right, already.
  • - Dr. Venture: Where’s White? Isn’t he coming? - Quizboy: Who? Steve Albino? [Chuckling] No.
  • He’s still mixing - the "jacket" single.
  • - Dr. Venture: [chuckles] That thing.
  • No wonder you were so eager to get out.
  • Brock: Hey.
  • - Greetings, Brock Samson.
  • - Brock: Shh.
  • Apologies.
  • I regret to report my date is not going well.
  • Conversation strained.
  • - Rapport wanting.
  • - Brock: Never mind about that.
  • We’re aborting.
  • - Where’s Vendata? - He ditched me for his co-workers.
  • - Brock: No.
  • Don’t point.
  • - Well, I just wanted to say "hello." - I do not want to leave my friend waiting.
  • - Don’t look now, Vendata, but your so-called "friend" looks like he found himself another "friend." - That Yeti Mummy is oddly familiar.
  • - 20 bucks says Galacticon gets him down to the bathroom in less than five minutes.
  • Guy’s into bears.
  • I’m just saying I’m exceptionally talented at two things in this world, Snoopy sniping and being extra handsome.
  • And they’re both being squandered on this mission.
  • [Warbling] Crap, oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap.
  • Uh, moving target, 110 no, 120 yards, no wind I got this.
  • Quizboy: I told you.
  • Put your real damn glasses on already.
  • Dr. Venture: Fine.
  • Who puts a rock in the middle of a driveway, anyway? Quizboy: Are you sure this is where Brock said the party is? 
  • Dr. Venture: Well, he didn’t say exactly.
  • - I, uh kind of followed him.
  • - Quizboy: Wait a minute.
  • - Are we even invited to this thing? 
  • Dr. Venture: Hey, if he’s gonna borrow my costume, I think - I’m entitled to go to his costume party.
  • - Quizboy: What party? - Do you hear any music? There isn’t even a door on this.
  • - Dr. Venture: Well, here.
  • Take a peek in that window.
  • - Quizboy: There’s nothing.
  • It’s a big elevator shaft.
  • [Gun cocks] I think you guys must be lost.
  • Quizboy: Um is this the costume party? [Laughs] That’s pretty good.
  • I didn’t even see your lips move or nothing.
  • Dr. Venture: [chuckles] I don’t think you understand.
  • We’re with Brock. I’m Dr. Ven-
  • Quizboy: triloquist.
  • Dr. Ventriloquist.
  • Work with me.
  • Yeah, but don’t let his title fool you.
  • I’m the smart one.
  • Now, we got a show to do.
  • You gonna let us in, or are you just gonna stand there letting the flies out? [Laughs mechanically] - [Spits] Guess who just showed up? - Brock: Oh, holy crap.
  • - We got to go right now.
  • - I’ll try to run interference.
  • - Hey, watch it! - Oh, no, please.
  • After you.
  • - Ack! I hate this place.
  • - I love this place! Whoo! Brock: Other way.
  • Other way.
  • I got an idea.
  • And they’re off.
  • Sorry, Vendata.
  • I just call them like I see them.
  • Sorry to bother you, boss, but, uh, Dr.
  • Venture just walked in with a one-eyed midget, pretending to be a Ventriloquist act.
  • Well, gentlemen, it’s been swell, but I must run.
  • Boss is always on the clock, you know? But, uh, make sure you stick around for the show.
  • - Wow.
  • He is fast.
  • - Hello.
  • Galacticon, are you in here? Gasp.
  • It is true.
  • Ow.
  • Brock: Shore leave, get ready.
  • We’re going.
  • You know, I’ve been watching you all night.
  • It’s a real nice outfit you’ve got.
  • Take it somewhere else, Captain Calamari.
  • - I don’t dig on seafood.
  • - I liked it even more when it belonged to - Sri Lankan devil bird.
  • - Well, uh, maybe we have the same evil Tailor Sy’s, Route 19? A lot of us bird guys use him.
  • Yeah, hi.
  • - I’m the red-throated loon.
  • - Sri Lankan devil bird was a good friend of mine.
  • They never found his body, and you ain’t him, so just who are you? - Brock: There a problem here? - Uh, no.
  • No problem at all.
  • - Sorry.
  • - Brock: Beat it.
  • Now, can we please get the [Bleep] out of here? [Record scratches] Don’t leave now.
  • Party’s just getting started.
  • Let’s give a warm Don Hell’s welcome to the star of tonight’s entertainment the man you loved to hate since he was just a little boy.
  • Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture! 
  • [Cheering] 
  • Both: [muffled screams]
  • Brock: What the [bleep] 
  • - Yeah, yeah, that’s right.
  • That’s right.
  • Boy Venture himself and his little boy-man friend have agreed to play All: Wheel of torture! No, we’re almost out of here.
  • Don’t go fishing for trouble, - Brock Cousteau.
  • He’s not our mission.
  • - Brock: Just take ghost or Galact get him out of here! I can do this on my own.
  • What? Commit suicide? Blow your cover and start an inter-agency war? I know he’s your old sugar daddy - but is he really worth it? - What manner of torture awaits the feckless physicist and his funny little friend? - The human piñata? Five pains of Li Si? - Ooh! Ass to ass! - Oh, dear.
  • I’m not with him.
  • - Wrong night, dragoon.
  • Hello.
  • Hey, yeah, it’s flying squid.
  • Yeah, long time, no listen.
  • I’m down at the club, and you will not believe what’s going on.
  • You got to get down here now.
  • - No, there’s no cover.
  • - Your lovely hellstesses are coming around now.
  • The lucky villain with the winning torture ticket gets to come on up and do - the deed him or herself.
  • - Brock: You in position? - Almost.
  • - So, let’s get spinning.
  • [Cheering] Brock: Hurry up, man.
  • That thing’s not gonna spin all night.
  • I need more time.
  • I’ve never taken this much girth.
  • [Cheering continues] The winner is acid dip.
  • [Cheering] - Ooh, I have - Winner! And Vendata the big winner [Chuckles] finally got lucky today, but kidding, kidding.
  • Come on up and do the honors.
  • - What are you doing? - Brock: I don’t know, man.
  • - Just be ready for anything.
  • - Dr. Venture: No! The metal murder man - from my nightmares! He was real.
  • - Monarch: What the [bleep] is going on here?! That man you are illegally holding is my arch. Thanks for the tip, squid.
  • Honey. [Clears throat] Guild of calamitous intent bylaws, article 97-D "no villain may arch previously claimed nemesis without first consulting the primary arch of said nemesis." Except the articles of collusion, paragraph "C," stipulates in the event of a team-up, the team’s right to arch supercedes that of the primary.
  • - Just studied this for the council exams.
  • - But not without offering the primary arch first right of refusal to participate in and/or lead said team-up.
  • - She’s, uh she’s right.
  • - All right.
  • All right.
  • Looks like the show is over.
  • [Grumbling] Thank you for coming, and, uh, be sure to thank the Monarch for his untimely arrival.
  • Be sure to tip your waitstaff on your way out.
  • - Good night.
  • - Monarch: Hey! Yeah, keep walking, tin man.
  • - Oh, is everybody leaving? Is there an after party? - Where is my wife? - Have you honey.
  • Does not compute.
  • - Brock: Oh, hey.
  • - Sorry, man.
  • I haven’t seen her.
  • - Does not com who am I? - I think the plane is going down - Are we done here? Please say you’re not gonna make - me save him from the Monarch now, are you? - Brock: Oh, what’s he gonna do? - He’s the Monarch.
  • - Monarch: Well, well, well, Venture.
  • Looks like I’ve finally got you right where I [Crash] [Up-tempo music plays] And so, in acknowledgement of your expertise and extensive history of service to this Guild, I hereby invite you to join this esteemed council of 13.
  • Um could I have a day to think about it? I should really probably talk this over with my husband.
  • Phantom Limb: Ah best show on television.
  • Who wants more popcorn? What did I miss?