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  • Master Shake: Alright, baby. Show me the odds. Show me the odds.
  • Meatwad: Yeah! I'm a real cowboy!
  • Master Shake: Work that horse.
  • Meatwad: Yodel lay hee hoo!
  • Master Shake: You don't smile too much. You're serious about this. 'I'm gonna ride this horse, I'm gonna ride- I got work to do!'
  • Meatwad: Yippie-ka yay, motherfucker!
  • Master Shake: There you go. That's how you do it. Oh, yeah. Love it!
  • Meatwad: This is fun. Wait, what's this for?
  • Master Shake: I can't believe it! No bids? Are you kidding me? What's not to like about this?
  • Meatwad: What's not to like about what?
  • Master Shake: About your greasy ass! Let me refresh. Damn it! Nothing, still!
  • Meatwad: Don't use that one, do the- do the cop one. That's me making a bust, that's the real me. What's this for?
  • Master Shake: My financial advancement. When I'm retiring at forty, and you suckers are still working in the salt mines...
  • Meatwad: I thought you was forty.
  • Master Shake: Shut up. And your face is forty. I got three more months.
  • Frylock: What the hell is going on?
  • Meatwad: Uh-oh. It's on.
  • Master Shake: Did you not get the note I left you?
  • Frylock: No.
  • Master Shake: About us trading?
  • Frylock: NO!
  • Master Shake: I put it r- right in your room, but your- your new room, cause we traded.
  • Frylock: What are you... Aw, Hell no. You are not to auction Meatwad off online!
  • Master Shake: Business is business.
  • Meatwad: Is that what you doing here? I am ashamed. What am I up to?
  • Master Shake: Exactly what you've been your whole life. Zero!
  • Frylock: Shake, this is certainly not moral and it's definitely not legal!
  • Master Shake: So, what are you? A priest or a lawyer. Just help me out, cause, you know, I only got six minutes left on this auction and I just want to inevitably prepare myself if I'm going to hell, or I'm going to jail.
  • Frylock: Damn. No bids?
  • Meatwad: No.
  • Frylock: Huh.
  • Meatwad: I tell you, this is not good for my low self-esteem. See, I got a self-esteem, this is it. That's probably why I ain't got no bids, frankly. I just had mexican.
  • Master Shake: Come on! We gotta go boost your value!
  • Frylock: We could use money for a car.
  • Meatwad: And I'm happy-looking for a change.
  • Pilot: We'll be arriving at Logan International Airport in about two seconds. One... blast off. Yeah, we did it again.
  • Meatwad: Took my hair gel, my lube. Took all my dang squeaky toys. Said they more than four inches long, so they threatening. Had to get my spit sample, made sure my spit didn't explode. My spit don't explode, check this out! (spits); (explodes) Oh, wait, that one did go off. But... usually they do not!
  • Master Shake: Yeah? Well, somewhere, there's a guard digging hole right now with my shovel. I'm not getting that back.
  • Frylock: Thank God they didn't find this. Who wants some?
  • Meatwad: Ooh! Me! Me! Me! Me first! Shoot me!
  • Master Shake: Don't shoot him! Shoot me in the face!
  • Frylock: Okay, put on your blindfolds and get on your knees. Do it, now! NOW! Papa-papa-pow! Papa-pow!
  • Meatwad: That's good.
  • Master Shake: That is the tastiest threat I ever had!
  • Meatwad: Alright. I'm here, I've eaten. Now where do I go? What do I do? Let's make some money.
  • Master Shake: Alright. Just wedge yourself in that dark corner. This is prime real estate. There is a lot of homeless foot traffic through here. Lot of guys sleeping here. They have the finances that we need. Okay, now pull out your batteries!
  • Meatwad: Alright.
  • Master Shake: There you go. Now, that looks great!
  • Meatwad: What do you guys think? Should I expose my wires?
  • Master Shake: I wouldn't, but it's your call.
  • Meatwad: No, you tell me. I don't know.
  • Master Shake: Well, you know, do what you feel most comfortable with.
  • Meatwad: I don't know. I- it just feels right if I let them all hang out.
  • Master Shake: I kind of like them. Now, I am going to be down here, monitoring this auction from this laptop, and Frylock will run the clicker, then tell us how much foot-traffic we've generated. And also get us some hamburgers. ... Hey, go get us some hamburgers.
  • Frylock: Shake, I know you got this all figured out, but I can't really make him out from here.
  • Master Shake: Oh, right. Hey, turn on your tiny magnetic lights. That way you look more like a device!
  • Meatwad: There we go.
  • Frylock: Hmm. Those are energy efficient and harmless to humans. Shake, you really put a lot of thought into this.
  • Master Shake: Yes, I did.
  • Meatwad: And why are we here? Why Boston?
  • Master Shake: Synergy.
  • Meatwad: Oh, yeah. That's right.
  • Master Shake: We've been here three weeks and still no hits. Frylock, how much foot traffic?
  • Frylock: Still zero.
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: The British are freakin' coming! The British are freakin' coming!
  • Frylock: The Ghost of Paul Revere?
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Hey, that light is wicked smart! You make that over there in Harvard yard?
  • Frylock: Oh, yeah. Totally. It's energy efficient, it runs on D Cell Batteries...
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Yo, guy. Boston, dark ages. We got chowder here by torch light.
  • Frylock: Really? No lights?
  • Ghost of Paul Revere:
  • Frylock: Shake, you know, I think we've been thinking too small about this thing.
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Dude, hop on the horse. I know a guy who'll crank this out wicked quick.
  • Benjamin Franklin: Hmmm. Where do you connect the kite?
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Hey, just build it, you fucking pansy! You know what? Fuck you! I'll be down at the bar where I parked the car. I fucking meant horse.
  • Meatwad: Hey, y'all look! I got me a kite! OW! That hurts, y'all! That hurts bad!
  • Master Shake: Hey. What do you want? One man's pain is other man's gain!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Holy crap, dude. This place is freakin' retarded.
  • Meatwad: Ow!
  • Master Shake: Someone's tickling! Damn it, Nugget! My balls are not a salt lick!
  • Frylock: Damn, man, we're rich. I guess money really is everything.
  • Meatwad: AAAHHH!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: That's the Boston Common, that's where we did the Tea Party down the harbor. That's the Hancock, that's the Pru. That's Quincy Market, that's Fenway Park.
  • Red Sox Fan: Go Sox!
  • Narrator: Meanwhile, in Baltimore...
  • Johnny Unitas: Look. It's Boston, and it's a bomb!
  • Cast of Hairspray: Boston is a bomb!
  • Earl Weaver: You think I don't know that, you dumb cast of the musical Hairspray dick-sucking, motherfuckers!?
  • Meatwad: Ow!
  • Earl Weaver: It's a bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Guy, it's a freaking light.
  • Earl Weaver: Guy, it's a motherfucking, cocksucking bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: It's a freaking light!
  • Earl Weaver: Bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Light!
  • Earl Weaver: Bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Light!
  • Earl Weaver: Bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Light!
  • Earl Weaver: Bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Light!
  • Earl Weaver: Bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Light!
  • Cast of Hairspray: It's a bomb!
  • Earl Weaver: Will you shut the fuck up! You stupid, shit-eating cast of the musical Hairspray! Bunch of faggot motherfuckers!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Look, seriously? It's just a light.
  • Earl Weaver: No! YOU look, seriously! It's a fucking bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Oh, my freaking God! It's a bomb!
  • Cast of Hairspray: It's a bomb!
  • Ghost of Paul Revere: Get the freak out of here, dude!
  • Red Sox Fan: Hey, hey! Sox rule!
  • Master Shake: Bomb, light, whatever. It's just a hoax.
  • Frylock: Shake, a hoax is a humorous or malicious deception and this is clearly not that.
  • Master Shake: I don't care! You can't make us leave! Damn it! They made us leave!
  • Frylock: At least we made some money.
  • Master Shake: No, I spent it all... on this. That's Paul Revere going through Bill Buckner's legs with a bowl of chowder. And he's got Plymouth Rock in his pants. And those are witches casting a spell on the cast of Cheers. And that is a lobster bib, still working on that. Oh, and that's uh Ted Kennedy riding a dolphin through Chappaquiddick.
  • Meatwad: I'm plugging this bitch in.
  • Frylock: It works!
  • Master Shake: No, it doesn't! It's supposed to explode! Read the package. Hello, where's the burning?
  • Frylock: Shake, what the hell are you going to do with that?
  • Master Shake: I'm going to tow it up to Boston, raise some awareness... on their asses. Hurry, hurry. Ring it, ring it! Quick!
  • Frylock: What-what are you doing? Are you testing it? Are you setting it off now?
  • Master Shake: What? NO! I don't know!
  • Carl: I haven't played with this since I was kid. ...What is this, a cow giving hands to-
  • Master Shake: But it was so harmless. I'm only glad that it exploded on us and not a bunch of children.
  • Frylock: Yeah, but still we better call some choppers, ambulances, SWAT Teams. Let's make this worse than it already is.
  • Boston Officer: Hold your position! On my count! Three, two, one!
  • Carl: Hey, who put these wires on my-
  • Boston Officer: Okay, alright, let's all calm down. Boston is safe, now.
  • Frylock: But, we're in New Jersey.
  • Boston Officer: New Jersey is near Boston. And now, they're both safe. Also, no one is safe.
  • Frylock: Uh, is he going to be alright?
  • Boston Officer: He's alright, now. He was a bomb, remember?
  • Meatwad: Oh, thank goodness. And I thought that was my neighbor Carl.
  • Boston Officer: Well, in a post 9/11 world, things aren't always what they appear to be.
  • Master Shake: What's going on? What did I miss?
  • Boston Officer: Oh, my God, it's a bomb! Put down the sandwich and walk away! On my mark! Cut the chatter! Three, two, one! [Master Shake explodes] Oh, no! He was the bomb, not the sandwich! The sandwich was harmless all along!
  • Ignignokt: Or so you think.
  • Err: Fool!
  • Ignignokt: For in a mere forty eight hours, this sandwich will rot in mold and envelop the panicked city in blue spores of... sandwich mold.
  • Err: Oh, man. Look. He just threw it away.
  • Ignignokt: The sandwich?
  • Err: Yeah, man! The sandwich.
  • Ignignokt: Really?
  • Err: Threw it in the garbage.
  • Ignignokt: Damn it.
  • Err: SHIT!
  • Ignignokt: We must go to the store at once and stock up on deadly meats and cheeses, spreading fear and mayonnaise and... your choice of spicy or regular mustard throughout the Western world.
  • Err: Yeah, let me just get my money and just go on down to the... Oh, wait! Where the fuck are we going to find a store?!
  • Ignignokt: Look, we're not going to do that. That's... that's just for the video.
  • Err: Oh, yeah. The video.
  • Ignignokt: You were filming, Err.
  • Err: Is this on?
  • Ignignokt: Here, take a picture of me. I'm going to... saw my own head off.
  • Err: Yeah, do that. That will show them.
  • Ignignokt: Yes, it will. Down on your knees, America. The rivers will run red with my blood. Digital... This sucks, I'm not doing this.