This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Boat Smarts" from season five, which aired on July 23, 2007.

Boat Smarts


  • Narrator: "Boat Smarts with Mrs. Puff". This driving film is brought to you by: C.O.B.B.U.T.K.S.B.S.P.O.T.R.A.O.O.B.A.T. Citizens Of Bikini Bottom United To Keep SpongeBob SquarePants Off The Road And Out Of Boats All Together.
  • Mrs. Puff: Good day, future motorists. I'm Mrs. Puff, state accredited boating instructor. Today, we'll be discussing the differences between a driver with boat smarts. [cut to Squidward in a pilot uniform]
  • Squidward: Ripping good day for a spot of driving.
  • Mrs. Puff: And a driver without boat smarts. [cut to SpongeBob sliding in on his head upside down, next to Squidward]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! Look at what I can do with my feet! [wiggles his legs. Squidward gets angry]
  • Mrs. Puff: Let's see some examples, shall we? Tire Pressure. [cut to Squidward putting air in his tires] Before you can even think about boating, the boater who uses boat smarts always fills his tires to the appropriate level. [cut to SpongeBob pumping too much air in his tires] While this driver pays no need to boat smarts. [tires flips the boat over. Then the tire explodes and blows air into Squidward's face.] Buckling Up. [cut to Squidward putting on safety belt] As demonstrated by this driver, he has enough boat smarts to use his seat belt and avoid a serious casualty as a result of a collision. [drives off but stops slowly at a stop light] Notice how he comes gently to a stop sign. [cut to SpongeBob driving his boat through town destructively without wearing his seat belt and laughing] Now this driver, with no regard for safety. [Squidward screams as SpongeBob slams into the backend of Squidward's boat, sending him flying into the air still in his seat and buckled up with the steering wheel in his hand. Squidward screams more as he sees a spiky steamroller driving on the road he is flying into. He tries to get his seat belt off but squeezes through the spikes anyways] Well, at least he had his seat belt on. [The boat, now cut in half, comes out of the steamroller and in it is Squidward, all injured. His seatbelt pops off.] Adjusting Your Mirrors. What's our boat smarts boater up to now? [Squidward is adjusting his mirrors] You guessed it. He's adjusting his mirror before he begins boating, unlike this degenerate boater. [Beeping sound is heard. SpongeBob is running over citizens while he is adjusting his mirrors]
  • SpongeBob: Ah, perfect. [moves from behind Squidward in the road and drives in front of him]
  • Squidward: Hey, use your mirrors, fool!
  • SpongeBob: Mirrors? Oh, that reminds me. I haven't adjusted this one yet. [adjusts it to where the light in the reflection blinds Squidward]
  • Squidward: Ah! Can't see! D'oh! [puts on sunglasses and giggles. Screams as he crashes into a brick wall. Footage from live-action Japanese Crash test dummy is showing with Squidward's head replacing the Japanese dummy's head. He slides out of his seat] Ow.
  • Mrs. Puff: Finally, and most importantly, a driver with boat smarts always pays attention to his surroundings and avoids distractions. Notice how this driver's eyes are locked firmly on the road. [Squidward's eyes turn into a lock but vision the road as well. Cut to SpongeBob eating a Krabby Patty and reading the newspaper while driving] And here we have the epitome of a driver who is carelessly distracting himself from the road and safety. [SpongeBob is shaving himself while driving the wrong way on a one way street. Tom is shaking his fist, Sadie looks at SpongeBob and Fred shaking his fist in the air. He causes a woman to crash into a streetlight pole]
  • Norma: [screams] Jerk!
  • SpongeBob: Hi there!
  • Nat: Help! Lunatic driver! [crashes his boat into SpongeBob's but SpongeBob's boat is unharmed and keeps driving.]
  • SpongeBob: How's it going? [He causes many drivers to flip their boats over and get in accidents]
  • Fish: [all screaming and talking at once] I can't feel my hair. My leg!
  • Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I mean, a boater without boat smarts shows contempt for his boater brethren and the law. [SpongeBob's boat slips in some water and spins around and around]
  • SpongeBob: Lalalalalalalalala! Whee! [his boat is driving backwards now] Hi, Squidward. Hi, Mrs. Puff. [Squidward and Mrs. Puff scream. SpongeBob's boat stops on a rock and tilts upward, causing Squidward's boat to fly up into the air then into the pile of boat mobiles that are in the accident. Mrs. Puff blows up to a big puffer fish]
  • SpongeBob: Looks like you guys forgot your boat smarts! [laughs and drives off, making dust and the low quality video recorder stops]
  • Mrs. Puff: Never mind.
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