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American Dad!: Season: 11 Episode: 3

[incomplete & unfixed]


(upbeat march plays) Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say (tires screeching) Ow! Watch it! Roger! You know the rules: If you want to leave the house, you have to wear a disguise.

I know, but you left so quickly and my cape was still in the dryer-- I panicked.

Roger, there's a whole floor in that CIA building back there dedicated to looking for you! Well, then, they should check J-Date.

I'm listed as Mike Saperstein.

And let me tell ya, Saps pulls in a ton of J-V.

Stay down! Someone might see you! (squeaking) What are you doing down there?! Pretending I'm a boa constrictor.

What's going on with you? Why you being so clingy? Oh, I don't know, maybe it's something in the air.

(squeaking) Your calf is so soft.

(sighs) This isn't how I imagined middle age.

(soothing music playing) (sighs deeply) (water splashes gently) (splashing) (gasps) Baths are so great, cause the toilet's right there, you know? No stress.

Speaking of (humming happily) (screams) So, where are we going? I'm going to school.

Ooh! Sounds fun! Hey, I bet I can guess what's in your lunch just by sitting on it.

(rustling in backpack) A carrot? (Roger sobbing) WOMAN: Travel down the road And back again They're such good friends.

Your heart is true Such a close bond.

You're a pal and a confidant Just like you and me, right, Klaus? You're smooshing me, bro! You're smooshing me! And if you threw a party All right, family meeting.

I'm worried about Roger.

Thank you for saying something.

It's like he can't be by himself anymore.

I know! He even followed me to school one day.

It was against the rules! I mean, sure, it made the children laugh and play.

Yeah, I've been having an issue with him, too.

Hugs, not drugs.

That's what I say.

I'm also on drugs.

Well, get off! I need to go to the mall.

Oh! I want to go to the mall! Oh, please, let me go with you! Please, please! (sighs) Fine.

Great! Let's play that game where we see what stores let us use their employee bathroom.

The one spot in the store all their own and we take it.

Roger, I'm glad you're not straddling me anymore, but you're ruining your Build-A-Bear.

Hey! If he doesn't like it, he can say something.

That's why I gave him three mouths.

Well, that's not why (laughs) (sniffs) Do you smell that? (scoffs) It's probably all that young tail in Forever 21.

No (sniffing) This way.

We have to go this way.

Roger, what's going on?! I'm not sure.

I just sense something.

(sniffing) This way.

(horns honking) I got to see where that guy's going.

(tires screeching) (brakes squeak, engine shuts off) (brakes squeak) This is just a park! Thanks for wasting my day, buttholes! (engine revving, tires screeching) MAN: Hey, where's that squirrel going? We're in the middle of nowhere! What are you looking for? I don't know! (sniffs) But it's through that drainage pipe.

I'm not going in there.

But it's my destiny.

Would you deny me my destiny, Francine?! Or, I suppose we could just walk over this tiny hill.

(Francine gasps, coughs) Welp I found that missing runner.

(gasps) ROGER: An alien ship! Of course! This is why I've been all worked up! Hello! I-Is anyone in there? Help! I crashed and I don't have a boyfriend! (gasps) Do you know her? Oh, right, cause all aliens know each other.

Yeah, racist.

Oh (door opens) Stan We have something to show you.

This is (hocks a loogie sound) and (hocks a loogie sound) This is my husband, Stan.

FURRY ALIEN: Oh, my God.

You have such a beautiful home.

What the hell is that?! Stan, be nice.

It's an alien.

She's why I've been acting so weird and needy lately.

She crashed near here a few days back and I've been vibing on her lady pheromones.

I smelled him, too.

I think that's why I crashed here.

Oh, my God.

I'm so into you.

(both moaning passionately) Aw, look, Stan new love.

Well, good.

Then you'll die happy.

(cocks gun) (gasps) No, Stan! What are you doing?! It's hard enough having one alien around, Francine.

I'm sorry, but she's got to go.

Stan, you just got to let (hocks a loogie sound) stay.

Please, have I ever asked you for anything? All you do is ask me for things.

Just the other day, you told me if I didn't bring home tomato juice, you'd kill yourself.

I was down to 24 cans! Look (hocks a loogie sound) and Roger have a unique bond, Stan.

Like you and me.

Can't you see that? Yeah, that's really stupid, Francine, but maybe I am overreacting a bit.

I mean, if the CIA had any intel about an alien on the loose, I-I'd know about it.

(dramatic music stinger plays) Anything yet? It's definitely an extraterrestrial spacecraft, sir.

Or, maybe it's a refrigerator that fell off an airplane.

You think everything's a refrigerator that fell off an airplane.

(screaming): It happens! No, it's a spacecraft and it was piloted by something and we will not rest until we find that something.

But what if we get tired? Tired? Did you know that P.

Diddy only sleeps four hours a night? Like I've always said, let's run the CIA Diddy style: He's up all night designing sweatpants, picking colors, textures, various velours.

Piping here, double pockets there, his mind is a volcano.

I swear to you, sir, we will capture this P.

Diddy and bring him to your feet! I can't wait! (crickets chirping) So (hocks a loogie sound) tell us a little about yourself.

I like long walks in the blistering suns.

And playing in the sulfuric rain.

But my favorite thing to do is (whispering) Um if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take (hocks a loogie sound) upstairs and (spitting) all over her.

(aliens giggling) (running upstairs) (door slams shut) (pounding, both grunting) (both giggling, grunting) (alien panting, glass breaks) (toy squking, both grunting) (alien screams, whoops) (primitive animal noises) (toy squeaking) (alien screaming, Roger grunting) (alien whooping) (alien grunting, Roger grunting) You know what? Let's go out to eat.

(Roger grunting, alien yelping) I feel like I can still hear it.

We are still hearing it, Stan.

(alien yelps) (yawns) Oh geez, so you were in here last night? I tried to look away, but I couldn't.

It was so horrible.

Like looking at the ass of God.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the show, because it won't be happening again.

I am over her.

You're over her?! But you seemed perfect for one another.

Eh, not really.

When we're doing it, she makes this little clicking noise-- click, click, click-- barely hear myself groaning.

I can't be with someone like that.

Oh, I see what's happening, bro.

It's the old hit it and quit it, bro.

She is gonna be devastated, bro.

Oh, please.

She knew the dealio when she hooked up with the R-Dog.

Wa-Wa-Wait.

She also slept with Ricky from Walgreens? No, I'm the R-Dog.

I don't know.

He has a tattoo that says, "R-Dog"-- I'm the R-Dog! All right! All right! You're the R-Dog! (quietly): When Ricky's not around.

Anyway, I'm not worried about (hocks a loogie sound).

She knows things between us are totally "caj.

" Roger's the one.

I finally found the creature I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

So romantic! Mmm.

(smacks lips) These pancakes are terrific.

Well, breakfast is the most important meal of the "fatubeadoop.

" I see you started breakfast without me.

Didn't know this was motel lobby rules.

Good morning, sexy.

Somebody was a little hair-puller last night, wasn't he? I wasn't so much hair pulling, as I was just trying to find something Like, what are the hairs growing out of? Like a base.

You know, I don't know, I just knew I'd know what it was when I found it.

Oh, Roger, we just love (hocks a loogie sound)! Uh, yeah, she's terrific.

Plus, she hasn't seen The Wire and I love to turn people on to The Wire.

Speaking of turn-ons Okay, before this concrete hardens Um, can we have a talk? So the thing is uh, I've kind of lived in this attic for a long time by myself-- Stop.

I totally get it.

You don't want me to move in here and make your bachelor pad all girly.

Wait, what?! But don't worry, the idea is to make it reflect us.

I mean, as a couple.

I was thinking, pink plaid.

Oh, that's actually perfect, but about the "couple" thing-- I know! I don't want to spend another minute on this big blue marble without you.

I feel exactly the same way, but the opposite.

We're breaking up.

What?! Why? 'Cause I'm seeing someone else.

(scoffs) I don't believe you.

(groans): Uh wait here.

MAN: El perro, el perro No, you're the piñata! I'm gonna poke you with a stick! (both guffawing) (woman laughs) (tires screeching) You wanted proof: I got 280 pounds of proof right here.

And that's not a dig on her.

In her culture, being heavy is a sign of being rich or whatever.

Don't tell me, you'd pick her over this.

This is too weird, I'm out of here.

Catalina, wait! She's leaving, I swear! (door shuts) Great.

You happy? She's gone.

My girlfriend is gone.

Roger, we're supposed to be together.

I just know it.

And if you just give us a chance, you'll know it, too.

Yeah.

You know what? Let's give it another shot.

How about I take you to a romantic B&B for the weekend? Oh, Roger, you really mean it? BARRY MANILOW: And I'm Ready to take a chance again Ready to put my love On the line With you Been living with nothing to show for it You get what you give when you go for it And I'm ready to take a chance again with you (song fades out) (dramatic instrumental music plays) I'm sorry, son.

(hissing) Cop killer! (hissing) (heart beating) (heartbeat slows) (footsteps synchronize with heartbeat) (sighs) (door squeaks open) (sobbing) (sniffs) I don't understand.

I thought you guys were good.

(phone ringing) (sighs) What is it, Charles? Sir, I'm sorry for calling.

It's fine, what is it? The council meeting has been pushed to Thursday.

And the governor called to send his condolences and to say how happy he was with how you handled the Marietta case.

Charles, why are you calling? Um well, Wyatt Borden called.

What?! You know I want nothing to do with that scumbag.

Sir! The election is in two months and your campaign needs some big money.

I don't care! Wyatt Borden's company is the worst chemical dumper in the state! I'm not gonna protect him after I become attorney general.

I'd rather lose the election than get in bed with that devil! (tires screech, thud, boy screams) (car races away, tires squealing) BOY: Tommy, help! Somebody help! Oh, God.

I'll be right down.

(floorboard squeaks) (boy crying in distance) BOY (crying): Somebody help me! (boy continues crying) (phone line ringing) MAN (eerily): Yes? Wyatt.

This is Vincent Edmunds.

Mmm what a pleasant surprise.

We see big things for you, young Vincent.

Is that right? Indeed! In fact, someday, I'd rather not call you Vincent at all, but rather Mr.

President.

I know I need a disguise, but won't it look strange, you checking into a romantic B&B with your dog? Well, if anyone asks, I'll just explain that I'm banging my dog.

That should stop the questions.

(laughs): Oh, Roger, you have a plan for everything.

Yes, I do.

We'll be arriving at the bed and breakfast soon.

I'm just gonna pull over, so we can stock up on snacks.

I love that idea.

We won't need to leave our room the entire weekend.

Actually, it's one of those Euorpean-style places, so we'll be pooin' down the hall.

(brakes squeak, engine shuts off) (phone beeps, line rings) (phone rings) This is Raven Talon Cougar Panther.

Are we a go? (hillbilly accent): Sure thing.

I got that alien you folks been looking for.

Just like I said I would.

I'll drop her at the bed and breakfast in ten minutes.

(phone beeps off) "For a good time, call" Well, okay! (keypad beeping) (line ringing) (over phone): Hi, it's Roger, leave me a message.

(voicemail beeps) Hi.

Um, I don't usually call these things and like, there's no way you could know this about me, but I like always do the responsible thing.

I'm Mr.

Play-It-Safe.

But I just told myself, "Out of your box, Roger!" You know, if not now, when?! It's time to start living, 'cause-'cause this just in: Nobody ever said on their deathbed, "I wish I hadn't called that truck stop phone number.

" Oh, my God, I feel like I'm rambling.

I-I-I'm rambling, listen to me! But anyways, I'm here at the wall, right now.

Are you within striking distance or what? So I guess, yeah, give me a call, it'll be fun.

(phone beeps) What did I do?! What did I do?! What did I do?! No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine! (gasps) Oh, voicemail! Oh! Oh, I am gonna give it to this guy.

(door bell jingles) Walk faster, I miss you.

Well, I'm coming as fast as I can! (phone ringtone plays) Mm-yello? Roger, Bullock got a tip about your girlfriend.

He's assembling a strike force to capture her.

Whatever you do, don't leave the house.

Yeah.

How important is that last part? Because not only are we out of the house (gasps) and headed to that bed and breakfast (gasps) but it was me who called in the tip to Bullock.

(dramatically gasps) BULLOCK: Who's gasping out there?! Stop it! You called in the tip?! Yeah.

I tried to break up with her, but she wasn't getting the message.

But Roger, if the CIA gets her, she'll be dissected! Only after they finish interrogating her and her stories never end.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And did you think for a minute about what's gonna happen when she blabs about us?! I did, Stan, I thought about it for a minute and then a horn honked, distracting me.

But that doesn't change the fact-- (horn honks twice) To whom am I speaking?! And to what have I been saying?! Roger, whatever you do, don't give her to them.

Right.

Right.

Got it.

(phone beeps off) Roger, where are you going? The bed and breakfast is the other way.

Yeah, there's been a change of plans.

What? Why? Are they overbooked? No, I'm under-interested.

Listen (brakes squeak) I'm sorry but this trip was a mistake.

It's time we go our separate ways.

What?! I thought you were giving us a chance.

Nope! Now look, you invested a little time in this, too, so, how about That-that sound fair to you? That sounds fair to me.

(crying): Unbelievable.

(door opens, slams shut) I think you're a super lady! Blow it out your ass! (sighs) I have a feeling I'm gonna regret letting that get away; My favorite fake dog nose.

Weapons armed, men! (guns clicking) We should arrive at the B&B in T-minus Wait a tic, look at that beautiful dog.

Oh I want a dog! (wind whooshes) (gasps) It's the alien! Intercept! Oh, no! Attagirl, lose 'em in the woods, you'll be safe there.

(explosions) (alien screams) (shrieking) (sighs) Ah, crap.

BULLOCK (over P.

A.

): Attention, alien creature! Do you speak English? Yes! Really? Wow! That's weird.

Anyway, prepare to be captured! Yep, captured.

In a net.

Which we'll launch at you.

With a net gun.

Just takes a minute to warm up.

How the hell am I supposed to take down a CIA helicopter? Wait! If I take these twigs, this small rock and my bubble gum Okay, this'll be simple.

I just have to pretend I'm Dick Cheney and that helicopter is my friend's face.

Not the most timely reference, but it's not my fault more current people aren't shooting their friends in the face.

BULLOCK: Don't take another step.

(Roger screaming) No! Alien stealer! (motor revving) You came back for me.

(chuckles) I knew you loved me.

You know, people are gonna ask us why we're back together.

But I just feel like that's our business, you know? We don't have to explain our love to anyone.

They're all just jealous, anyway-- jealous that we have the kind of love that's greater than anything in the entire galaxy.

And that's how I became Kim Kardashian.

"And that's how she became Kim Kardashian.

" The end.