American Dad!: Season: 4 Episode: 4
[incomplete & unfixed]
Ah, nothing better than being home for dinner.
It's like I'm king of the castle.
Dance, fools! Dance for your king! Hayley, your cold sore is dripping in the potatoes.
That's the last time I use lip liner I find on the bus.
Oh, honey, no one believes that.
I got it! Called it! Oh, yeah! Yay! Mom, it's Grandma and Grandpa.
Damn it, your parents always show up unannounced.
Steve, low the table Hayley, hide the cutlery.
Everyone, shoes off! Francine, don't open that door.
Stan, they're my parents.
Mah Mah! Bah Bah! You bow! Shoes off in house! You just had to be adopted, didn't you? - What is this? - It's fish face with cabbage stem.
In the West, we call that garbage.
Oh, Mah Mah, this takes me back.
Eating trout lips, watching T.
- Hooker! - Hooker! Devil sticks! No fork.
Listen, Baba, this is my Bah Bah.
That's what I said.
Has it been a half hour already? Well, what a lovely visit.
Please, let me help you throw your trunk onto the lawn.
What Stan's trying to say is you're welcome to stay as long as you want.
Eh, we only stay for weekend.
We're on our way cross country.
Mah Mah and I are fulfilling dream to see world's largest everything.
This week: thermometer.
Next week: ball of twine.
Better hurry before world's largest kitty bat it away.
Oh, no, no ducks.
Present for you, grandson.
Fireworks fromfamily business.
Steve, you canlight one off now and save the restfor later.
I don't know,these look dangerous.
The donkey slap,the spurting cobra, the Mao Tse Boom The Exxon Valdez - Hayley, your soreis leaking again.
- the Empress Headbomb I have remedy for whore lip.
- Thanks, Grandma.
- the Fever Dream, the Screaming Ugh! It smellslike doodie.
It is doodie.
From a monkey.
the painful squirtbomb, the me-explode-you-long-time.
For God's sake,you're an American.
Stop thinking about the consequences and blow something up.
Ah! Bad choice.
That one is named English Patient.
It looks beautiful,but it takes a very long time for unsatisfying payoff.
Bah Bah, you didn't wrap Jergen'sin Ziplock.
Lotion on everything.
- I lock spout.
I lock spout.
- What I tell you? Why you bring Jergen's? Francine, did somebody bet me how many wash clothsI could fit in my butt or did I do this just for fun? Doesn't matter.
17! Roger, company.
Ugh! It is filthy in here.
If only I had a oh, wait, here's one.
Look at that, I'm like a Clorox wipe dispenser.
I wish I could get rid of them that easy.
You will show them some respect.
Why? It's not like they're your real parents.
Stan, they're the only parents I've ever known.
They raised me with the same loving kindness they showed their own biological daughter.
God, she's hot.
Great, bad enough I was aggravated, now I'm also turned on.
You can be so insensitive,Francine.
Kiss me like your sister.
You know what, forget it.
We are so crazy! Gentlemen, have your mailforwarded to the edge, 'cause that's where we're living.
The stuff lunchroomboners are made of.
You guys drinkingbeers or something? Ha! Beers.
Check it out, I'm John Williams.
Ah! My face! Barry, I'm sorry.
I Burned your friend in the face.
Extreme is awesome.
Aah! I never knew you were so crazy.
There's nothing you won't do.
Nothing I won't do.
That makes me hot.
Tell you what, I'll let you touch my breast if you can topburning fat so here.
That's what my nana calls me.
I'll give you $48 to assimilate.
Shoes off in house.
What are you? You don't have towash paper towels.
I'll buy more.
Wasteful! You waste.
Every penny counts.
What'd you say? You just said my name.
You tried to bury it in your China talk, but I heard it.
See if you like it.
Blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Look at your face.
You hate it.
Grandma, I don't know if this is working.
You must take the whole course of monkey dung.
You must leave it on and reapply after een hours.
Are you tryingto say "nine"? Yes, een.
The word is "nine.
" - Say "nine.
" - Een.
Just follow me here.
Damn duck grease! I just cleaned those paper towels.
I'll wash it along with tampon I find in garbage.
Wasteful! I can't take another minute of this.
They're cheap, they're pushy, they come inand take over.
I feel like a visitor in my own home.
Stan, please,it's just one more day.
Hey, look at me.
Is that my new swimsuit? I haven't even worn it yet.
I like it here.
We're going to stay two weeks.
No! Come back here, Baba! Uh-oh.
Gambled and lost.
I want them out.
Not tomorrow,not in two weeks, now.
I am not kicking my parents out.
They're not your real parents.
They didn't give birth to you.
Just because they're not my birth parents doesn't mean they're not my real parents.
And I never want to hear anything about it ever again.
They're out there somewhere.
And I'm not gonna rest until I find my birth in-laws.
All right, here's where we'll find out who my real birth in-laws are.
Did I ever tell you about my parents? Tragic story.
Now while I hack the database, you create a diversion.
A diversion?! Oh, this is a caper, like in the movies.
Speaking of movies, you ever see Man on Fire? Is that the one with "Name.
" Francine Ling.
"Year of birth.
Here they are, Nicholas and Cassandra Dawson.
Hilton Head, South Carolina.
"Failure to find printer.
" All right, I turned off the printer.
I'm waiting for it to come back on.
Okay, it's back on.
Okay, I'm walking to the computer.
I'm by the computer.
File print, and No, L-5 error again.
I'll just reroute it to another printer in our system.
So it's not the printer.
I guess you could just write the information down.
Technology, huh? Three steps forward, four steps back.
Keeps me in business.
That it does.
That it does.
How'd you know I was fireproof? I didn't even know.
Wait, you did know I was, right? I'm just gonna go with "yes" and preserve the friendship.
Look, guys, if I can pull this off, Lindsay Coolidge will give me boob! Snot, remember that time I gave you half an orange? Yeah.
Well, then let me put a firecracker up your ass.
No, I don't remember you giving me half an orange.
So, no, you can't.
Why does everybody hate me so much?! Hey, guess what? I'm flame retardant.
Can I blow you up with firecrackers? I don't see why not.
Awesome! Oh, my God, they're rich! Mommy-in-law! Daddy-in-law! I found you! Love me! Okay, I will now recklessly blow up my cousin Roger.
For good measure, I'm going to set the whole thing off with this the finger blaster.
Nothing gets a girl going like a good old-fashioned Finger-blaster.
Ah! My thumb! I blew off my thumb! We're gonna get in trouble! Run! Okay, golden opportunity.
Say "Charlie, they took my thumb.
" Eric Roberts.
Pope of Greenwich Village.
No? You're a lot of fun.
We're so gladyou contacted us, Stan.
We've often thought of the daughter we had to give up.
That was a terrible,terrible day.
Oh, I can only immagine.
So, Nick, Cassie, what do you guys want to do- see a movie or something? Can I look at your movies? I bet you have Dave.
You want to watch Dave? Kevin Kline plays two characters.
Watching? Watch this.
Boom! Thank you, Kalalo.
Wow! You have Asians working for you, rather than being related to you.
This is how it's supposed to be.
I'm finally home.
Mah Mah, Bah Bah In-laws show up uninvited Temper tantrums are incited Speak in English!Speak in English! Mah Mah, Bah Bah, so unrefined Stupid printer didn't get me down Drove out of town, look who I found Nick and Cass They're the in-laws of my dreams Caucasian folksof well-off means Love the place I'm in, no more Mandarin - Steaks and cash - Pull! Shooting rolls Of paper towels As they enunciatetheir vowels God, I'm happy, hey, found a home today Ducks and chopsticks Boundaries? They don't give a hoot Pull! Farting in my bathing suit Who needs that, Stan? Who needs that, Stan? Nick and Cass Now I'm skiing on a yacht Suddenly, I'm drinking sparkling wine Living like a swell is mighty fine If you find your mate's adopted New in-laws can be co-opted Screw the past This is my new family now And my life is back to God's design These are not your in-laws Because they're mine! Well, this has been a great afternoon, Stan, but we should probably meet Francine.
- Who's that, now? - Our daughter.
Is that necessary? I mean, the triangle is the strongest structure in nature.
Stan, we enjoy your company, but we can't possibly continue this relationship without Francine.
She does know you're here? Of course.
She cannot wait to meet you guys.
On a mission.
Let me throw a quick hypothetical your way.
What if I told you I met the nicest couple, who have a ton of money, good old-fashioned values, and think my water skiingis top-notch? Then what if I told you that couple were your birth parents? I'd be incredibly angry, hurt and betrayed.
And, in addition to never wanting to meet them, I'd never want to see you again either.
Fun game, these hypotheticals.
Keeps me alive in the trenches.
Bring you back a snow globe.
Kalalo, dramatic sting! That was terrible.
I'm back from my mission.
Where's my snow globe? I know.
Listen, I was just thinking about genetic disease.
For the kids' sake, we should probably meet your real parents and get their medical history.
What if baldness runs in your family? Can you imagine anything more horrific than Steve losing his hair? My thumb! Where's my thumb?! Found it! Oh, no, no.
It's a baby pinecone.
Add that one to the collection.
Oh, my God! Here it is! My thumb! Get out of here, crow! My face! Why, crow? Why? Mah Mah and Bah Bahtreat me like their own flesh and blood.
Stan, I have no interest in tracking down my birth parents, ever.
So, if you were in The Matrix, you would have taken the blue pillin stead of the red pill, and never would have seen the world for what it really was, and the movie would have only been 20 minutes long.
I want you to think about that.
You're not going to think about that.
You don't even understand what I'm saying.
The Lings must have a skeleton in their closet.
Or in a trunk.
Why would they need these? There must be something in here that's incriminating.
Do they?! Do they what? Who's they? Oh, right.
You remember how, earlier, you said Mah Mah and Bah Bah treat you like their own flesh and blood? - Yeah.
- Do they?! Stan, this is my parents' will.
I can't read this.
Even the part where they leave everything to hot Gwen, and you get nothing? I don't believe it.
No matter what the Lings may have told you, you're always going to be the adopted daughter that they'll never love like their own.
I'm sorry, Francine.
God, is Gwen hot! I mean, oh, my God! Hoo! Lookwhat I tape off TV! Four episodesof T.
Hooker! Hookah! How come you no "Hookah" with me? You cut me out of your will?! You go through our trunk? You gave everything to Gwen! It's because she's your real daughter, isn't it? You dishonor us and yourself.
Get out of my house, both of you! And get out of my life! - Bye-bye, Baba.
It's Bah You were right, Stan.
I want to meet my real parents.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll find them, no matter howlong it takes.
They'll be here at 6:00.
Duck duck duck goose?! God! That's deeply programmed.
They're here! Please come in.
Francine's getting her hair done.
So this is her.
Oh! I remember the day we had to give her away.
Oh, I'm sorry, but children aren't allowed in the first-class cabin.
I can't fly coach.
That would be awful.
Can you just give this away for us? You're a doll.
Oh, thank God.
For a moment there, I thought we were going to have a problem.
So you completely abandoned Francine? Yes.
Yes, we did.
And we had a great vacation.
And the money we saved not having to raise a child was put toward some very smart investments.
I I think I need a drink.
Stan, these people are monsters.
You know what my country has done, and even I find this repulsive.
Well, they're rich and they speak English good.
How bad could they be? But, Stan La, la, la! Not listening! Uh Stan, the English Patientis getting close to detonating.
Stan! Stan! How did we get here? - Please! Help! - One sec.
I'm in a burning house, a man is caught under a beam.
What's my liability if I help him? Uh-huh.
I thought so.
Stan, we're going to wait in the yard, see how this plays out.
Wait! You can't leave me here! I'm your son-in-law! Don't worry, buddy.
You're someone else's problem now.
Mommy-in-law! Daddy-in-law! Save me! Ah! I knew you'd come back for me.
Lucky I come back for trunk.
I can't believe you risked your life to save mine.
Of course I save you, Stan.
You're my son-in-law.
You make my Francine happy.
Her happiness is all I ever want.
Well, then why did you cut her out of the will and leave everything to Gwen? Because Gwen is moron.
She needs lots of help.
She failed math in school.
Imagine, Chinese girl can't do math? It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.
Francine is our smart daughter.
We never have to worry about her.
Plus, she marry okay.
I saw fire! I called een one one! We got your thumb sewed onjust in time.
But your hand will be completely numb until the anesthesia wears off.
Not only did you blow your thumb off, you burned your house down.
I burned my house down.
That's so extreme! You get the grand prize.
I want you to touch my whole breast.
This is it! This is the moment! So, what do you think? I I can't feel anything.
Are you saying I have small breasts? No! No! That's not what I You're a real jerk, Steve Smith! Come back! Let me try the other hand! Rip out the I.
! Rip it out! Rip it out! Oh! I don't deserve this! Why the injustice? Why, crow? Why?! Oh, my God! Our house! Nothing to worry about.
Just your averagegr easy Chinese duck fire.
Is everyone okay? Steve? Hayley? Roger? Everyone's fine.
Oh, and and Klaus.
Is Klaus okay? He's the only one I really care about.
Too late, Francine.
Too (beep) late.
I'm so excited to meet them.
Where are they, Stan? Where are my real parents? Your real parents are right over there.
What are you talking about? The Lings are your real parents.
I was wrong, Francine.
They're good people.
They would do anything for your happiness.
- But the will? - Trust me.
They know what they're doing.
My own pony? Mah Mah and Bah Bah love you, Francine.
Everything okay, Stan? I would have named her Buttercup.