JOSH You are standing in the cavern of the evil wizard. All around you are the carcasses of slain ice dwarfs...Melt the wizard. What do you want to melt him with? What do you think I want to melt him with...(Josh, don't forget to take out the garbage) Just a second! Throw the...(Josh, did you hear what your mother said?) One minute! (Josh Baskin!) Your hesitancy has cost you dearly. The wizard, sensing your apprehension, unleashes a fatal blow from the ice scepter. With luck, you will thaw in several million years. Great.

MOM C'mon Josh, it's starting to get awfully late!

JOSH Okay. Okay. Okay.


JOSH Take the garbage out. Every day, take the garbage out...Rick Rodin is on the mound for the Yankees! He looks into the catcher's mitt, shakes off the first signal, takes the turn, wipes the sweat off his brow, leans back and fires...

BILLY Yeah! Good-bye Mr. Spaulding! ...Here, here! Quick!


JOSH Got it. Need it. Need it. Got it.

BILLY Hey. Hey. Hey! You ever go by Simpson's desk when she's grading papers or somethin'? When she's leaned over, you can see right down her shirt.


BILLY Swear to God.


BILLY No. No. She's got one of those undershirt things. So if you get real close to the board, you can see all the way down to her flowers.

JOSH Woah!

BILLY Yeah. Give me your gum.

JOSH Need it. Got it. Got it. Need it...

BILLY Hey. Hey. Hey! Oh my God, it's Cynthia! How did a geek like Freddy Benson get a sister like that?

JOSH Beats me.


BILLY Hi!...He says hi!...Unbelievable! God! She likes you! I know she likes you! I'll find out, okay!


BILLY & JOSH Shimmy, shimmy cocoa pop! Shimmy, shimmy rock! Shimmy, shimmy cocoa pop! Shimmy, shimmy rock! I met a girlfriend a triscuit! She said, a triscuit a biscuit! Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top! Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week! I read it! I said it! I stole my momma's credit! I'm cool! I'm hot! Sock me in the stomach three more times!

JOSH Don't forget to call me after supper.


JOSH Remember about Cynthia!

BILLY Don't worry! I'm as interested as you are.


JOSH So, will you tell me?

BILLY You're in!

JOSH What do you mean, I'm in?

BILLY Cynthia Benson!

JOSH What about her?

BILLY You ready for this? She doesn't like Barry anymore!


BILLY So what do you mean so?! That's it! She's available!

MOM Josh...?

JOSH It doesn't mean...

MOM Hey, it's after midnight. Now say goodnight to Billy.

JOSH Goodnight Billy. I've gotta go.

BILLY Goodnight Mrs. Baskin! Sweet dreams.


DAD Are you sure you want to go on this thing, Son?

JOSH Yeah!

MOM Nah! Nah! I don't know about this one, Bob. No, this looks too scary.

DAD It's okay.

JOSH Oh my gosh!

MOM See, I told you he doesn't want to go on it. DAD Son, you know, you don't have to go on this thing if you don't feel like it.

JOSH No! No! It's just that I...I want to go on it myself.

MOM You do?

JOSH Yeah. I think it's something...yeah, I think it's something I should do.

DAD Great! Why don't we meet you at the ferris wheel.

JOSH Half hour.



JOSH Oh, hi!

CYNTHIA Hi! Have you been on this before?

JOSH This?



CYNTHIA Is it scary?


CYNTHIA Are you here alone?


CYNTHIA Look. Aren't those your parents?

JOSH Where?

MOM Honey!

CYNTHIA Right over there.

MOM Smile!

JOSH Why, yes.

DARIN Hey, who's this?

CYNTHIA This is Josh Baskin.

DARIN How ya doin'?

CYNTHIA This is Darin. He drives.

MAN Next!

DARIN Go ahead.

MAN Yo next!

DARIN Go ahead!

MAN Yo next! Woah! Read this sign. You must be at least this big to ride this ride!


MAN Hey, I don't make the rules here. Next! Next!

CYNTHIA Well, it's a stupid rule.

MAN Look, why don't you try the kiddy ride?


JOSH Drop twenty-five cents here. C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! ...Neat! ...Make my wish....I wish I were big....Your wish is granted.


MOM Josh! Josh! Josh!

JOSH What?

MOM It's seven-thirty. Are you up? ...Come on Sleepy Head! You're going to miss the bus and I can't drive you today! ...What does he do in his sleep? ...Honey? I put out some clean clothes. Bring down your dungarees and stuff for the laundry, okay?

JOSH Okay.

MOM Are you getting a cold, Josh?

JOSH No! Fine!

MOM He's got a cold. Then Rachel's gonna get a cold and I'm gonna get a cold...

JOSH Oh my God.

MOM Breakfast is ready, Josh!

JOSH Be right there!

MOM Josh! Hurry up! Your eggs are getting cold! ...Bring down Rachel with you, all right?

JOSH Okay!

MOM You want orange juice or...What about your breakfast?!


MOM Oh, you...don't! Don't!

JOSH I'm sorry! ...Mom, it's me. It's Josh. Mom, I'm a grown up!

MOM Stop it! Oh God! JOSH I made a wish last night...I turned into a grown up, Mom! I made this wish on a machine...

MOM Go away! Go away! Please!

JOSH ...and it turned me into a grown up! It was last night at the carnival! My birthday is November 3rd...I got a B on my history test!

MOM Here's my purse! You can have anything that's in it! Go away!

JOSH My, my, my baseball team is called the Dukes! Uh, I made this for you! Who are you calling? Ah! I have a birthmark behind my left knee!

MOM You bastard! What did you do to my son?

JOSH I am your son, Mom!

MOM Where is my child?! Where is my son?! Police!


COACH Heads up! Heads up out there!

BILLY I'm open! Here! I'm open!

COACH I want you to gather up these balls, go to the locker room and get on to your next class! Wash shirts and shorts! Billy. Do us both a favor. Put the balls in the equipment closet and you practice your lay up.


JOSH Billy.

BILLY Yeah? What?

JOSH It's me. It's Josh!

BILLY Coach Burns! Coach Burns! Coach Burns!

JOSH Wait a minute! Shut up! Shut up! I'm your best friend, you've gotta believe me! I'll prove it to you! Billy, please!

BILLY Help! Help!

JOSH God damn it Billy Kopecky! Look, I know that I don't look like myself, okay! But something really strange happened and I'm really scared and I need your help! You're my best friend! I can prove it to you! ...Ooh! The spades go, Down! Down! Baby! Down! Down the roller coaster! Sweet, sweet baby! Sweet, sweet delectable! Shimmy, shimmy cocoa pop! Shimmy, shimmy rock! Shimmy, shimmy cocoa pop! Shimmy, shimmy rock! I met a girlfriend a triscuit! She said a triscuit a biscuit! Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top! Ooh Shelly, walking down the street, ten times a week! I met it! I said it! I stole my mother's credit! I'm cool! I'm hot! Sock me in the stomach three more times!

BILLY Josh? You look terrible.

JOSH I know. SCENE 13

POLICE That's right. We're at the scene right now. Well, she's pretty upset and she's not making any sense at all. There's no ransom note, no prints, there's no nothin.' Tell you what, file a report and to be on the safe side...

KID#1 I bet he ran away. Wish I could.

KID#2 Want me to pack your bags?


BILLY We go to the city, we lay low for a couple of days, find that Zoltar Machine, make your'll be home by Thursday!

JOSH Well, I'm not supposed to go to New York without my folks!

BILLY C'mon! You'll be fine! ...Here.

JOSH Where did you get this?!

BILLY From my Dad's top drawer!

JOSH You stole it?!

BILLY It's his emergency fund!

JOSH Jesus Billy!

BILLY Well what do you call this?!


WOMAN You lookin' for some fun tonight sweet thing?

JOSH No, thank you.

MAN Hey man, can you spare some change?

JOSH No, not really.

BILLY Hey, this looks okay.

JOSH No it doesn't.

BILLY Saint James, Josh, it's religious.




MAN Burp!

JOSH Uh, we would like a hotel room, please.

MAN $17.50 a night for the room, $10.00 deposit for the sheets....You go straight to the top of the stairs. It's the last door on the right. Next to the bathroom. Wait a second, I'll show you.


BILLY It smells bad.


MAN Have a pleasant stay....Hey Angel! Get out of that bathroom now!

JOSH I don't want to stay here by myself.

BILLY I can't help it Josh. I've gotta be home by ten. Look, I'll cut classes tomorrow and we'll find that Zoltar thing before you know it, okay? It's just one night. All right?

JOSH All right.


JOSH What if I can't sleep?

BILLY It's probably better if you don't. See you in the morning.

JOSH Well, you mean like what time?

BILLY 8:30. I'd use the chain if I were you.

JOSH Mom...Mom....


JOSH I told you, it's not a video game.

BILLY Well, what is it?

JOSH Well, it's not a video game.

BILLY This one's got a number on it. Does yours?

JOSH No. Oh wait, here's one.

MAN Hey, what are doing? What are doing?

JOSH Do you have Zoltar?

MAN No. I told you, I looked back in the back. I've got Powerhouse, I've got ...

JOSH We really need Zoltar.

MAN Well, I haven't got it.


BILLY This is it.

JOSH They aren't going to have it.

BILLY They'll have it.

MAN Can I help you?

JOSH Yes. We would like a list of all carnivals and fairs.

BILLY And arcades.

JOSH Yeah.

MAN Carnivals and fairs...Try Consumer Affairs, down the hall, room 111.

JOSH Thank you.


WOMAN Fill this out in triplicate. $5.00 filing charge.


WOMAN One month to process. You get in six weeks.

JOSH Six weeks?

WOMAN Sometimes longer, but, you could get lucky....Next please!


JOSH I'm gonna be thirty years old for the rest of my life.

BILLY Would you come on. We'll figure something out. By the way, you may be older than that!

JOSH So now what?

BILLY I'll come and see you everyday after school.


BILLY I'll tell them I made the basketball team.

JOSH I won't have anything to do.

BILLY You can get a job.

JOSH I can't get a job.

BILLY Why? It can't be any different than school. What are you good at?

JOSH I don't know. Making spit balls?


BILLY How about a delivery man?

JOSH I don't know how drive. BILLY Oh yeah, right...Cardiological technician, civil engineer...

JOSH You gonna eat your cherry?

BILLY Go ahead....Clerical transcriber...

JOSH Billy?

BILLY Yeah....Gross. God, that's gross!

JOSH Hey, go on to the next column.

BILLY Collection agent, company clerk, computer operator, construction engineer...

JOSH Computer operator? Computer operator, read that one.

BILLY Josh, would you quit with your stupid computers!

JOSH Just read it!

BILLY Macmillan!

JOSH Toys!


WOMAN Macmillan Toys, may I help you?

BILLY Okay, what's next? There.

JOSH Previous employment.

BILLY Your paper route.

JOSH I can't put that.

BILLY Paper route circulation?

JOSH Yeah!

BILLY What's he got? Hey, don't worry about it.

JOSH Social Security number?

BILLY 32-17-25.

JOSH What is that?

BILLY My locker combination.

JOSH Great!

WOMAN Mr. Baskin. Mr. Baskin?

JOSH Yes. Yes.

WOMAN The Personnel Director will see you now....Uh, you son can wait out here.

JOSH Yeah, okay. Son, you should sit down and don't give the lady any trouble now.

BILLY Sure Dad! ...Don't forget--look him in the eye!


MAN Couple of numbers missing on your Social Security.

JOSH Oh, uh twelve.

MAN One two. Says here you've got four years experience.


MAN All on computers?


MAN Where did you go to school?

JOSH It was called George Washington.

MAN Oh, G.W. My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge?

JOSH Yes. Every morning.

SUSAN It happened again! David, the girl is absolutely useless! You've got to get me someone who knows what she is doing! Excuse me. I'm not getting any of my mail, nothing has been filed! Ever since she got engaged, my life has been a disaster!

MAN You know, she came so highly recommended.

SUSAN She spent the last three months writing down her married name. Mrs. Judy Hicks. Mrs. Donald Hicks. Mrs. Judy Mitchleson Hicks. Sometimes with a hyphen, sometimes without a hyphen. Sometimes she spells the hyphen!

MAN Well, I really don't know where I can put her.

SUSAN Put her on unemployment!

MAN When can you start?

JOSH Soon.


MAN I thought we'd start you out with preschoolers. Should take you a few days. Give you a chance to find your way around. Do you smoke?

JOSH Well, uh, just once, but...

MAN Only on breaks in the coffee room....Most of that is pretty straight forward stuff. If you have any questions, come to me. Good luck.



SCOTT Psst! Psst! Hey! Hey! I'm Scott Brennan.

JOSH Uh, I'm Josh Baskin.

SCOTT Listen, what are you trying to do? Get us all fired?


SCOTT You've gotta slow down. Pace yourself. Slowly! Slowly!

JOSH Sorry. Today's my first day.

SCOTT I know!

JOSH So how long have you worked here?

SCOTT Five years. Work stinks but the fringe benefits are great! See that girl over there in the red? Say hi to her and she'll be yours. She'll wrap her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy!

JOSH Well, I'll stay away from her then!

SCOTT Excuse me. Yeah Brennan. I gave it to you yesterday! Oh, here it is. I don't have time to xerox it. Let the new guy do it.


MR. M That's total bullshit Paul!

PAUL Look sir, the favorability rate is...

MR. M Come on! Let's not lie to ourselves! If a kid likes a toy it sells. That's all!

SUSAN But every bit of research and focus testing...

MR. M It works with research, it works with focus testing, it just doesn't work with the kids!

JOSH Sorry! I'm sorry!

PAUL Why don't you watch where the hell you're going!

SUSAN Are you okay!

MR. M I'm fine.

PAUL You could kill somebody running around here like that!

MR. M It's all right Paul. The boss should get knocked on his ass once in a while. It's good for him.

PAUL I don't know sir, maybe you should see a doctor.

MR. M For crying out loud Paul, I'm fine! I'm fine!

PAUL Sorry sir! Sorry! MR. M Where were you going anyway, son?

JOSH Uh, I was going to the xerox room because they needed these by 5:00.

MR. M Oh, that's good! Nothing wrong with a little hustle. Nothing at all! Right Paul?

PAUL What does he mean? I hustle! Uh sir! Sir!


MOM Hello? ...Hello?

JOSH Hello. Mrs. Baskin?

MOM Yes.

JOSH How are you?

MOM Who is this?

JOSH I just wanted you to know that Josh is all right. He's okay.

MOM You have my boy?

JOSH Yeah. And you're gonna get him back, just the way he was.

MOM Look, I swear to God--If you do anything to him, if you touch one hair on his head, I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer!

JOSH Wow! Thanks!

MOM Let me talk to Josh!

JOSH Oh, he can't come to the phone right now.

MOM Why not? Why not? What did you do to him?!

JOSH I didn't do anything to him! I think he's a terrific kid!

MOM I want proof that he's all right!

JOSH Uh, well, all right. Ask me something that only he would know. Then I'll ask him for you and that way you'll know that he's okay.

MOM Ask him what I used to sing to him when he was a little boy.

JOSH Isn't there something else that you would rather ask him?

MOM Ask him!

JOSH Oh, I got it! I got it! Memories, like the corner of my mind. Misty water color memories, of the way we were. Scattered pictures...Look, you're gonna see him again really soon. I promise. I cross my heart. We'll talk about this later.


MAN Harris! Brennan! Baskin! JOSH What is this?

SCOTT Pay day.

JOSH $187.00?! Ha! Ha!

SCOTT Yeah. They really screw you, don't they?



WOMAN Hi. Okay, so how would you like that?

JOSH Three dimes, a hundred dollar bill, and eighty seven ones.

WOMAN One, two, three...


JOSH I'm never eating again.

BILLY It wasn't that bad.

JOSH It was the boat ride that did it.

BILLY No, it was the pork rinds.

JOSH Pork rinds! Aghh! We sure had fun, didn't we?

BILLY Yeah, we sure did.


BOY Got you!

JOSH What's your name?

BOY Jordan, what's yours?

JOSH Mine's Josh.

BOY I'm gonna blow you away Josh!

JOSH But I just got you!

BOY No way! Get back here!


MR. M You work for me, don't you?


MR. M I thought so. What, are you here with your kids?

JOSH No. I was just looking around.

MR. M Oh. Me too. I come here every Saturday. Can't see this on a marketing report.

JOSH What's a marketing report?

MR. M Exactly. Come on. What do you think of that?

JOSH The Championship Hockey? Oh, I love it. Only the...

MR. M Only what?

JOSH Well, the pieces don't move.

MR. M What do you mean?

JOSH Well, on the old set you could slide the men up and down the ice, and now all they do is spin around. It was more like real hockey the old way. Why did they change it?

MR. M I don't know.

JOSH You see, the Star Fighters are good because you can change all the pieces. But I never liked the Galactakons. You only get one robot, and they don't come with a vehicle.

MR. M I see.

JOSH Plus you can't take them underwater. And if you do they...Neat!

MR. M Okay, let's check out the...Piano lessons?

JOSH Three years.

MR. M Me too. Everyday, after school....Chopsticks....What department did you say you were in?

JOSH Oh, I'm in computers.

MR. M Computers? You just saved me a trip to the gym Son.


SUSAN Vice President in charge of Product Development.

PAUL Vice President! He's only been here a week! Vice President?!

SUSAN And he came from data processing!

PAUL He's out of his mind! The old man has finally lost it!

SUSAN Did you know they gave him Bob's old office?

PAUL Bob's office?! Bob's office is bigger than my office! There's got to be a reason. Things like this don't happen unless there's a reason.


BILLY That means if the president dies you get to take over?

JOSH No. No. They got a hundred of them. Are we ready?

WOMAN Yes Mr. Baskin.

JOSH Come on in.

BILLY Look at this place! It's bigger than the principal's office!

JOSH How would you know?

BILLY Remember that explosion in science?

JOSH Oh yes!

BILLY Truck-a-Killer! $59.95?

JOSH You know that only costs 10 bucks to make.

BILLY Get out of here! ...What is this?

JOSH Oh, well, this is just...They just put this in doesn't mean anything.

BILLY So what do they make you do for all this?

JOSH Well, I play with all of this stuff and then, I go in there and tell them what I think.

BILLY That's it?

JOSH Yeah.

BILLY And they pay you for that?

JOSH Yeah.

BILLY Suckers!

JOSH Oh, thank you Miss Patterson. Hey! Miss Patterson. Could you call down to Media and have them send up a video tape of the Giants Broncos Super Bowl? And have them edit out all the commercials and talkin' and stuff?

WOMAN Yes Mr. Baskin.

JOSH Miss Patterson.

BILLY You're the luckiest guy I know.


PAUL Did you check Mattel?

SUSAN Nothing.

PAUL Colleco?


PAUL He can't come from nowhere Susan. He has to come from somewhere. How about Hasbro?

SUSAN Yes. And Fisher Price and Worlds of Wonder. I have called everywhere. Nobody's ever heard of him!

PAUL Great!

SUSAN Face it Paul. The guy comes from data processing.

PAUL Terrific. That is just terrific! This is just terrific!

SUSAN You're being paranoid Paul.


PAUL These tests were conducted over a six month period using a double-blind format of eight over-lapping demographic groups. Every region of the country was sampled, the focus testing showed a solid base in the 9 to 11-year old bracket--with a possible carry-over into the 12-year olds. When you consider that Nobots and Transformers pull over 37 percent market share, and that we are targeting the same area, I think that we should see one quarter of that and that is one fifth of the total revenue from all of last year. Any questions? Yes? Yes?

JOSH I don't get it.

PAUL What exactly don't you get?

JOSH It turns from a building into a robot, right?

PAUL Precisely.

JOSH Well, what's fun about that?

PAUL Well, if you had read your industry breakdown, you would see that our success in the action figure area has climbed from 27 percent to 45 percent in the last two years. There, that might help.



JOSH I still don't get it.

PAUL What?!

MR. M What don't you get Josh?

JOSH Well, there's a million robots that turn into something. And this is a building that turns into a robot. So what's so fun about playing with a building? That's not any fun!

PAUL This is a skyscraper.

JOSH Well, couldn't it be like a robot that turns into something like a bug or something?

PAUL A bug? JOSH Yeah! Like a big prehistoric insect with maybe like giant claws that could pick up a car and crush it like that!

MAN A prehistoric transformer?

MR. M Interesting.

PAUL Gentlemen!

MAN So the robot turns into a bug.

PAUL Ah, gentlemen, listen...

MAN Listen to him. He's got a very good idea here. The robot turns into a bug.

MAN This is a great idea!

JOSH Different sizes and things. could have them wreck something...

MAN A lady bug. Transformers for girls!

MR. M This is a bug that moves....It's got all kinds of possibilities.

PAUL This doesn't just happen. This doesn't happen. You don't just come to a meeting and say "bugs."

SUSAN I, uh....

MR. M Well done, Josh. Well done.


PAUL Ho! Ho! Ho! He is vicious!

SUSAN He's not vicious.

PAUL Oh, come on Susan, don't kid yourself. That man is a killer!

SUSAN All he said was "I don't get it."

PAUL I don't get it! I don't get! I don't get! He's going for the throat, trying to eviscerate me! Did you see the look on Macmillan's face?!

SUSAN Mmm Hmm.


REALTOR It's quite a unique space. The lines are so clean and you don't get any of that partition quality. It has 50-foot ceilings, all hardwood floors, ample closet space, a modern kitchen, a brand new bathroom with a jet stream jacuzzi.

BILLY We'll take it.


MAN Baskin. Rental delivery!

JOSH Dear Mom and Dad. They said that I could write you and let you know I was okay. So far, they're treating me fine. I've got enough to eat and I'm perfectly safe. They say that I'll get out of here in about a month. In the mean time, it's a lot like camp! I watch TV and even get outside once in a while. I know you miss me. But try not to worry. I think this experience might even be good for me. I love you very much and I know that I'll see you soon. Your son, Joshua. P.S. Give Rachel a kiss from her big brother.


WOMAN It's very beautiful and I'm having a lovely time.

MR. M I'm glad Miss Patterson.

WOMAN It's much better than last year. I just wanted to tell you that.

MR. M I'll have another scotch....Susan.

SUSAN Love your tux.

MR. M I think it's the same as the maitre's.

SUSAN Have you decided what you're doing on the Danberry line?

MR. M No, I haven't.

SUSAN Well, uh, I think if you got everyone's input up front, I mean right from the beginning....

MR. M Susan, have a drink.


MR. M Have a couple drinks. It's a party.


MR. M Josh! Glad you could make it.

MAN Bet he gets another raise.

MR. M Now that's what I call a tuxedo.

JOSH I rented it. This is a real bow tie though. I tied it myself. And that's why I was late.

MR. M No, you're not late at all. Come on, let me show you around.

JOSH Hey, there's Miss Patterson! Hi! There's the guy from the meeting! Hi!


PAUL The guy's a damn knock-off artist.

MAN What do you mean?

PAUL The Amphibian? He takes 10,000 G. I. Joes, slaps some gills on them, webs their feet, and packages them in seaweed....So I show him the schedule and he says, "It's not correct accounting procedure!" Give me a goddamn break!

MAN But the toy sold Paul.

SUSAN Excuse me.




SUSAN All the same people having all the same discussion. It's like they cloned some party in 1983 and kept spinning it out again and again and again. I loved your ideas on the Squeezy Doll line.

JOSH Thanks.

SUSAN They were so, incisive. It's Beluga. Macmillan orders it every year....You all right? You okay? You want a glass of water? You want something to drink?

JOSH Could I have a milkshake or something?

SUSAN I've got a car outside. You want to get out of here?

JOSH Uh Huh.

SUSAN Let's go.


SUSAN I'm not really a big one for parties. You know, I like things that are a little more intimate.

JOSH Wow! Is this your car?

SUSAN Well, it's the company's car.

JOSH Oh, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen!

SUSAN I mean, just seeing someone in the office, you don't really get a chance to know them. I mean, just being with you here tonight, I really get a sense of who you are.

JOSH Are you gonna eat these fries?

SUSAN No. No....

JOSH Hey mister? You want some of these fries? We're not going to eat them.

DRIVER No, thank you.

SUSAN You see, it's hard in a business situation...I mean there's this invisible line and even you're attracted to someone...What, are you going to call someone before...?


SUSAN Uh, I mean at this point in my life I...Don't...Don't play with the radio...Leave the uh...Don't...I'm really vulnerable right now! You know...I mean, I love my job and I....

JOSH Ejector seat! This is great! Hey! Come on up! Hey, that was my apartment.

SUSAN Really? I'd love to see where you live.


SUSAN So have you always lived alone?

JOSH No, not always.

SUSAN Ah. Is it just recently or...?

JOSH Yeah.

SUSAN Give yourself a couple of days, it'll pass.

JOSH Well, they said it was gonna take six weeks.

SUSAN Well, it can be painful but, that's what they invented Xanax for, right?

JOSH Watch your step.

SUSAN I'm not sure we should do this yet.

JOSH Do what?

SUSAN Well, I mean I like you and I want to spend the night with you....

JOSH Do you mean sleep over?

SUSAN Well,...yeah!

JOSH Okay! But I get to be on top!


SUSAN You live here?

JOSH Yeah. It's nice, isn't it?


JOSH You uh, want a soda?


JOSH Soda? You want one?

SUSAN Yeah, sure.

JOSH They rigged this up so you don't need any quarters....Don't! Don't...!


JOSH The glue's not dry. Sorry.

SUSAN Sorry.

JOSH It's okay....You wanna play pinball?


JOSH You don't need quarters for this either. It's free.

SUSAN No, thank you.

JOSH Okay.

SUSAN Is that a trampoline?

JOSH Yeah. You wanna try it?


JOSH You should. It's really fun. It's simple, too. Come on! Come on! You'll like it and it's really easy to do.

SUSAN No, I don't think...

JOSH I'm serious...

SUSAN Do have some wine?

JOSH Take off your shoes...It's really easy....Let me get rid of these balls.

SUSAN No, I'm...I'm...I'll watch.

JOSH Come on. It's fun. I'll do it with you. Up you go. Excellent.

SUSAN Help me up?

JOSH Sure.


JOSH Okay. Jump.

SUSAN You want me to jump?


SUSAN There. Now can we have a drink?

JOSH No! No! No! I mean really jump. Now get some air between you and the trampoline.

SUSAN There.

JOSH Oh, come on! I'll do it with you! All right? I'll show you how to do it. You ready? Come on. Jump. See? There it is. That's all there is to it. There you go. There you go. Yeah! It's easy! Anybody could do this!


JOSH Here. Pick one....It's for you. It's a glow in the dark compass you won't get lost....Goodnight.


PAUL Did you have fun last night?

SUSAN Sure. Yeah.

PAUL Yeah...You left pretty quick.

SUSAN I gave him a ride home Paul.

PAUL Oh, did he enjoy it?

SUSAN Don't be ridiculous.

PAUL Ah, that's me, Mr. Ridiculous. Just a silly old guy.

SUSAN I don't feel like going out tonight.

PAUL What do you mean? They're your friends....Come on! Leave it! Leave it! Would you quit it! Do you have to play with everything?


PAUL Baskin? Baskin!

JOSH Wouldn't you rather play basketball? I know how to play that. We could be like a team for the Macmillan Company.


JOSH I'm not very good at sports, but I'll give it a try. My best sport is video hockey.

PAUL That isn't a sport.

JOSH Well, it takes eye to hand coordination.

PAUL It's not a sport if you don't sweat!

JOSH What about golf? You don't sweat and that's a sport.

PAUL Yeah, and you're not sittin' there letting some machine do all the work!

JOSH What about car racing?

PAUL Aw shut up Baskin!

JOSH What are the rules again?

PAUL I told you. Over the line to serve. Yellow is out of bounds. Play to 21--ready?

JOSH Sorry. Sorry.

PAUL One nothing. Come on! Get it! Get it! Get it!

JOSH Okay.

PAUL Thatta boy! Okay, you ready? All right....Ho ho! Nice try! That was in! Two zip. Just made it. Two zip. Ready? Okay! Here we go!...19/18.

JOSH Uh, that was under the line.

PAUL What?

JOSH That was under the line. You said it had to be over the line on a serve.

PAUL No I didn't.

JOSH Yeah you did! You said it had to be over the line on a serve!

PAUL No I did not, now give me the goddamn ball!

JOSH Well that's cheating!

PAUL Give me the goddamn ball, will ya!


PAUL Give me the ball you little shit!

JOSH It's my serve.

PAUL Give me the ball! Give me the goddamn ball! I never said that!

JOSH Yes you did.

PAUL Give me the...Give me the ball! Give me the ball!

JOSH Cheater! You cheat!

PAUL I did not cheat!

JOSH You cheat! You cheat!

PAUL Give me the ball! Give me the ball! Give me it! Give me the ball!


JOSH He didn't have to punch me.

SUSAN I know. He's scared of you. You don't play his game.

JOSH I tried to play his game. He beat me up. If he's scared of me then why did he punch me?

SUSAN He punched you because he's scared of you.

JOSH I don't get it.

SUSAN It's just the way he is. Everything is a fight with him. Everyone's an enemy. It's not just a job for him, it's a war.

JOSH Well how come you're so nice?


JOSH Well, you work just as hard as he does and you're not like that.

SUSAN You don' don't know me that well.

JOSH Yes I do. You're one of the nicest people I've met.

SUSAN How do you do it?


PAUL What's this?

SUSAN What does it look like?! Shampoo, razor, toothpaste, two neckties and your exercise tape! Oh, and I want my keys back!

PAUL Sure. It's just some scratches. He'll get over it.

SUSAN Oh, it has nothing to do with him.

PAUL Oh come on Susan! He's just another link in the chain! First it was Tom Caulfield, then Handlen. Then Golding, then me! Am I missing somebody?

SUSAN It's not like that anymore!

PAUL What is so special about Baskin?

SUSAN He's a grown up!

PAUL Susan.

SUSAN I can't believe you brought up Golding.


BILLY And many more! What are you going to wish for this time?


BILLY I know what we can do! We can go out and get some beers, some dirty magazines and go back...

JOSH Uh, I can't Billy.

BILLY What you mean you can't? Of course you can! It's your birthday!

JOSH No, I can't...I have to go somewhere.

BILLY Where?

JOSH Um...well, I have to go meet somebody and...

BILLY So, you got all night!

JOSH Yeah I know, but it's just...well I can't right now okay, but I'll call you, all right? Okay? I'll give you a call. Thanks again Billy, it was fun!


SUSAN Hi....Do you want to come in?

JOSH Sure.

SUSAN Sit down....Want to go?

JOSH Yeah! Yeah!


JOSH Want to go again?!


JOSH So they have these cars that you can actually drive them except they're on this rail so you can't get off the road...You have a really big gob of mustard right, right...


JOSH Mustard right....

SUSAN Where?

JOSH Right there.

SUSAN Is it gone?

JOSH Well,....

SUSAN Is that...gone?

JOSH Yeah.

SUSAN Listen.

JOSH What? Music?

SUSAN Wanna dance?

JOSH Dance?

SUSAN Well we don't have to if you don't want to.

JOSH Okay. Okay.

SUSAN All right. JOSH Okay....Are you cold?


JOSH We could get some hot chocolate....You can wear my jacket if you want.


SUSAN Oh, I haven't done this in a long time....What were you like when you were younger?

JOSH Oh, I wasn't much different.

SUSAN I believe that about you....I've been thinking about you a lot....It's crazy....In my car, lying in bed....I've just never gone out with someone like you....With all the other men there was so much to hide....I feel like I can tell you anything.

JOSH Susan? There's something I think I should tell you.



SUSAN You want the light on?


JOSH Hey Frank, how are you? Good morning everybody!

WOMAN Good morning Sir.

JOSH I'd like some coffee please Miss Patterson.

WOMAN But you don't drink coffee.

JOSH And uh, make it black.


WOMAN You know, you two should come to Vermont. It is so pretty up there.

MAN Did anyone happen to see that great documentary about Columbus on PBS the other night?

WOMAN Uh, no. Was it good?

MAN I had no idea he had a fourth ship.

JOSH Yeah, the Santa Christina.

MAN That's right.

JOSH He only had that on his second trip, though.

MAN You saw it, too.

JOSH No, but I used to study...stuff.

MAN Really?

BOY Dad, I need some help.

MAN All right, but not now Adam.

BOY Yeah, but Dad you said...

MAN Adam we have guests.

WOMAN He's had the roughest time with algebra. We've tried tutors, everything.

JOSH Algebra? I used to study that, too.


JOSH All right, let's say Larry Bird is going to score 10 points in the first quarter.

BOY Okay?

JOSH How many is he going to score in the whole game?

BOY That's easy, that's 40 points.

JOSH Probably. Okay. And that's algebra.

BOY Right! It is?

JOSH Yeah! See. Okay. One quarter is to ten points that he scores in that quarter. Just as four....

WOMAN You're right. He's wonderful!

SUSAN I know.


BILLY Department of Consumer Affairs? Yeah Buddy it came!


MAN He's never done this before.

MAN Kind of like a sweepstakes.

PAUL Get the Art Department on the phone. Get them!

SUSAN Send out for some sandwiches.

MR. M Maybe next year, all right? Next year.


SUSAN You can do it. I know you can!

JOSH I cannot plan a whole line!

SUSAN Why? Nobody knows more about toys in the entire company! JOSH Susan, doing that means marketing and strategy and stuff like that!

SUSAN All he wants is a proposal!

JOSH I can't!

SUSAN Look, you come up with the ideas and I'll handle the marketing.

JOSH But it's....

SUSAN Come on. It'll be neat.

JOSH All right...I don't know...I don't have any new ideas for toys or anything.

SUSAN You've got great ideas!


BILLY Yeah, well tell him I called again. Kopecky! K-O-P...Yeah right...well tell him it's important!


JOSH You see it won't be like these where you just follow the story along. You would actually make a whole different story appear just by pressing these buttons.

SUSAN An electronic comic book? That's amazing!

JOSH Yeah. An electric comic book. It's gonna be different every time.

SUSAN This is incredible. You're brilliant--you know that?

JOSH If you like one you could see it, you know, over and over and over again.

SUSAN You're wonderful.

JOSH You really like it?...You think Mac will like it? You know, what we could do...We could do like sports comics...or like if you're going to steal second or something like that...You'd have sports, football...really, it work with almost any sport there is. Hockey!

SUSAN What...What is it we're doing? ...What's going on here?

JOSH You know, we're....Is something wrong? You don't like it?

SUSAN No! No! It's...I mean if it's an affair, that's one thing. But if it's something else...I mean, not that we have to know right now, we don't...but if we think that it could turn into something else...well....How do you feel about all of this?

JOSH How do I feel about what?

SUSAN How do you feel about me?

JOSH What is that supposed to mean?


JOSH Well, Wednesday would be better than Thursday...

WOMAN Mr. Baskin can't be disturbed!

JOSH Yeah, I have the Keating example right here...

BILLY Where've you been? I've been trying to reach you forever!

JOSH Shh! I'm right in the middle of something okay?

BILLY That's the list. All you've got to do is call!

JOSH Can you give me just a minute, please?

BILLY What are you talking about? This is the list!

JOSH Would you come back at lunch? All right, I'm a little bit busy right now...Hello?

BILLY Busy?!

JOSH Billy!

BILLY Are you out of your mind?!

JOSH Jesus, Billy! Miss Patterson, could you get them on the phone again....

BILLY This is the list we've been waiting for!

JOSH I've got work to do! Can't you understand that? I've got a deadline to meet. God!

BILLY Who the fuck do you think you are?!


BILLY Hey, you're Josh Baskin! Remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in my basement when Robert Diceman was about to rip your head off!

JOSH You don't get it, do you? This is important!

BILLY I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh? I'm three months older than you are--asshole!


JOSH You are standing in the cavern of the evil wizard. All around you are the carcasses of slain ice dwarfs....Melt wizard....What do you want to melt him with? ...Throw thermal pod.

SUSAN Josh, what's wrong? What is it?

JOSH I haven't told you something because if I did, I didn't think you'd believe me. And even if you did believe me, I didn't think you were going to like me anymore, so....

SUSAN Oh, Honey, come here. You can tell me anything. What?

JOSH Susan, I'm not what you think I am. SUSAN What do you mean?

JOSH Before I met you I was in little league. I was in little league and I rode my bike to school and I played with my friends and hung out with them and....

SUSAN Josh. Josh. What are you talking about?

JOSH I want to go home. I miss my family Susan and I want to go home.

SUSAN Oh my God! You're married!

JOSH No! No!

SUSAN I knew that this was too good to be true! I knew that there had to be something!

JOSH No. No. Susan, I'm not married.

SUSAN You're not?

JOSH No. I'm a child!


JOSH I'm a child Susan, and I'm not ready for all this.

SUSAN Oh that's fine. That is just great!

JOSH Well, you see what happened....

SUSAN No. I understand. I'm not ready to make a commitment!

JOSH No! No! No!

SUSAN I'm not ready to accept responsibility!

JOSH No! You don't understand! I mean, I'm thirteen years old!

SUSAN Oh! And who isn't? You think that there isn't a frightened kid inside of me, too!

JOSH No! I mean I really am thirteen! I went to bed one night and I was a kid, and when I woke up the next morning I was a grown up.

SUSAN Oh right! And just yesterday I was a school girl with pigtails! Why are you doing this Josh?

JOSH There was this carnival in New Jersey. I made a wish on this machine. It was called a Zoltar Machine...

SUSAN Oh stop it!

JOSH It was called a Zoltar Machine! It had this bobbing head that looked just like a devil and if you got a quarter in the devil's mouth you could make a wish and I did! So I made a wish to be big! That is what I'm trying to tell you! I changed into a grown up but I'm really just a kid!

SUSAN Fine Josh! You're a kid! Look, I really don't know what it is that you're trying to tell me. But we have a very big presentation to give tomorrow, so I'm going to get some sleep.


BILLY Josh? Josh! Oh, hi Mrs. Baskin.

MOM Hi. I was just looking around and...Your hair is getting longer.

BILLY I got it cut yesterday.

MOM He had a birthday.

BILLY Yeah, I know. He'll be coming back real soon. Everything is going to be okay.

MOM Thanks.

BILLY Goodnight.


BILLY Right there. Sea Point Park, New York! Well?


WOMAN They're waiting for you Mr. Baskin.

JOSH Thanks.

BILLY See you around.


JOSH There's this flat screen inside with pictures on it and you read it. And when you get down to the bottom you have to make a choice of what the character's going to do...Like if he going to go in and fight the dragon then you have to push one of the buttons.

PAUL Excuse me.

JOSH Paul.

PAUL I don't get it.

JOSH Well, it's a comic book that....

SUSAN See, there's a computer chip inside which stores the choices, so when you reach the end of the page, you decide where the story goes. That's the point.

MR. M Terrific Susan.

SUSAN A kid makes his own decision.

MR. M This is really possible?

SUSAN Yeah. In fact, it's a very simple program. Isn't that right? MAN So what happens when you run out of choices?

SUSAN Well, that's the great thing. You can just sell different adventures. Just pop in a new disk and you get a whole new set of options.

MAN We could market this on a comic book rack.

JOSH I'll be right back.


MR. M How much would the unit cost?

SUSAN Well, our initial figure is around...around $7.00, with a retail cost of around $18.95.

PAUL You expect a kid to pay $19.00 for a comic book?

SUSAN I think a kid....Would you excuse me?


SUSAN Josh! Josh!


JOSH Will you take me to Sea Point Park, New York?

BILLY Sea Point Park? Josh!....Josh! Josh!...Yes!


SUSAN Excuse me. You know him? You know Josh?


SUSAN Look, you have to tell me where he went.

BILLY Who are you?

SUSAN I'm his girlfriend.

BILLY Billy Kopecky.

SUSAN Look, you have to tell me where he went. Where did he go? Please, tell me. Tell me!


JOSH Work! Damn it!....I wish I was a kid.


JOSH Susan!

SUSAN You know, you don't walk out on somebody! You don't just get up and leave and walk out like that! You don't do that!

JOSH I know. I know. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say.

SUSAN Oh God. You got your wish.

JOSH I tried to tell you.

SUSAN I didn't listen, I guess. I didn't hear you...

JOSH I tried to tell you last night.

SUSAN ...or want to...or how would I have...or even if I did listen, why would I know? Why would I know that?!

JOSH I've been thinking about this and there are a million reasons for me to go home but there is only one reason for me to stay.

SUSAN What? What reason is that?

JOSH Well, you...Oh, come on. Don't cry.

SUSAN So, what are you? 15? 16?

JOSH I'm 13.

SUSAN Well, that explains it.

JOSH Maybe you could come with me.


JOSH Why not?

SUSAN I've been there before. It's hard enough the first time. You know what I mean? You don't know what I mean....Come on, I'll drive you home.

JOSH I'm sorry.

SUSAN No, I'll be okay. You'll be fine. In ten years, who knows? Maybe you should hold on to my number.


SUSAN So this is where you live. Which one is it?

JOSH The one right there.

SUSAN Oh. It's nice. I'm gonna miss you.

JOSH I'm gonna miss you, too.

SUSAN You won't even remember me.

JOSH Oh yes I will.


JOSH Mom? Hello! MOM Josh? Josh! Josh! Oh my God! Oh, thank God you're home!

JOSH Oh Ma, I missed you all so much!


JOSH I'm just not good enough.

BILLY What are you talking about? You've been hitting the ball over the fence almost every time in stick ball. You just got to get used to a fatter bat.

JOSH You really think I could do it?


JOSH Come on. We'll hit some after supper.

BILLY Okay. I'll call you. 1


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