[Mechanical Buzzing, Beeping] [Electronic Noises Continue] -Nice place, huh? -I've seen better. Everybody downstairs! -Good afternoon. -Afternoon, sir. Where do you want this thing? just through there, thank you. Come on, you guys. I've got a surprise for you! -Want me to place him right over here, sir? -Yup, just over there. H-Here's a place. Here. Yeah, okay. Move it over here. -There ya go. Nice and easy. -That's right. Easy. Lift it up. [Grunts] Sweetie, come away from it, please. -W-What is it, Daddy? -Wait, wait, wait. Wow. [Chuckling] Wow. Oh, my. [Delivery Man] Thank you, sir. Enjoy your NDR. -[Remote Clicks] -[Electronic Whirring] NorthAm Robotics household model NDR-114, serial number 583625. -Hello. -Hello. Are you one's family? Well, um, I guess so. It's scary. It's not scary. It's stupid. -I doubt that. -Jenny Harrison's family's got one, -I doubt that. -Jenny Harrison's family's got one, -so does Kate McAllister-- they're all the same. -What is it? -It's an android. -What's an "Andrew"? [Father Laughs] Will that be one's name? Well, why not? It sounds good. -Hello, Andrew. -Hello, sir. Would you care to hear the three laws of robotics? -It's said to be a most entertaining presentation. -Okay. Sure. -Will you step back, sir, to maximize presentation? -Right. [Whirring Begins, Accelerates] -[Sousa March Begins] -[Gasping] First law of robotics: A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, cause a human being to come to harm. Second law: A robot must obey all human orders, except where those orders come in conflict with the first law. Third law: A robot must protect itself, so long as doing so does not conflict with the first two laws. [March Ends] Andrew, don't ever do that again. Of course not, sir. It is a one-time only. [Andrew] There is another option that one is obligated to point out, sir: You may have one with or without personality. -Would you care to see a demo of the personality chip? -Uh, no, no, thank you. -We'll stick with what we've got. -A wise choice, sir, if one may say so. Well, you'll be staying down here. Got everything you need? -One only requires access to a power outlet. -Good. Right. Well, um, good night, Andrew. It certainly is, sir. No. No, Andrew, The correct response to "good night" is "good night." -Good night. -Yes. -You just said "yes." -Yes? But the correct response to "good night" is "good night." -Good night, Andrew. -Good night, sir. -Good night, Andrew. -Good night, sir. -You only need to say it once. -Or one would be saying it forever, sir, in an infinite verbal loop. Exactly. -Thank you, sir. -Good. Night. Sorry, sir. [Electronic Whirring, Pulsing] Honey, I don't want it... following me around the house all day. Can't-Can't you turn it off or something, please? just give him a job. It'll be okay. -Well--Seat belts! -[Kids] Seat belts! [Computer] Good morning, Mr. Martin. Today's temperature will be in the high 70s. [Kids] Bye, Mom! -Have a good day, sweethearts. -Have a good day, sweethearts. [Computer Voice Continues] [Sighs] -Mmm. Andrew, this is very good. -Thank you, sir. -[Father] Don't you think? -I think it sucks. "Sucks"? How? Chickens do not have lips. [Snickers] She's being rude. You mind your manners, young lady, please. -We're fine, Andrew. -Indeed you are, sir. The kitchen. It's fine too, sir. No. Go to the kitchen now. [Sighs] Hello. Come on. Maybe it's a big bluff. Just a pretty face. Check. [Girl] Oh, Andrew, could you come up? [Girl] Oh, Andrew, could you come up? -Should I-- -No. It'll be fine. -Yes, miss? -Andrew, would you please open the window? One is glad to be of service. A lovely breeze. Now jump. No, out the window. [Dog Barking in Distance] -Did you hear something? -Was that an earthquake? [Door bell Rings] [Brokenly] Sorry for the inconvenience. May one re-re-re-enter... -er-er? -What happened, Andrew? [Distorted] For the sake of family harmony, [Winding Down] one is programmed not to tell. -[Low Electronic Moaning] -Andrew? Andrew! Yeah? [Rattling] Amanda, Grace, downstairs right away. -Come in, Andrew. -Thank you, si-i-i-r. [Whirring Brokenly] Andrew's not a person, he's a form of property. One is not a per-r-r-r-r-r-r- son. But property is also important. So from now on, as a matter of principle, in this family Andrew will be treated as if he were a person. Which means there will be no more attempts to break him. Break him? Your sister tried to kill Andrew. You too? -Shh. -[Whispering] Sorry. Come on. Everyone up to bed. -Will you be all right, Andrew? -One is capable of self-mai-ai-aintenance, sir. Good. -Good night, Andrew. -Good night, Andrew. Guh, guh, guh-- G-Good night. [Whirring Brokenly] [Muttering Brokenly] Good night, Andrew. Good... night. Miss, one has been given specific orders for your safety, and that is an unsafe area. Now, come down. Okay. Thank you. "Well, I think it's gonna be sunny tonight." [Feminine Voice] "Me too." [Falsetto] "So do I." He's my favorite. Pretty. Would you like to hold him? That was my favorite. They don't even make him anymore. -Can it be repaired, Little Miss? -No, it can't! -You're screwed. -I hate you! Get away from me. -Can we fix him? -No. Look at him-- he's in a million pieces! -[Sighs] -I'm sorry. There's nothing you can do. Put the rest of them away. Wow. -Andrew! -Yes, Little Miss? This is the best present I ever got. One is glad to be of service. Would you please come with me? Does this involve a window? [Chuckling] No. You can sit here. His name is Woofy, and from now on... he's yours. -Woofy. -Uh-huh. Because sometimes he barks, once he gets to know you. Oh. Thank you very much. You're welcome. I have to go to sleep now, Andrew. -Yes. -Yeah. Can you, kinda-- Of course. -Good night, sweetheart. -Good night, Andrew. -Little Miss? -Sure. Thanks. Miss? -After you. -Well, thank you. You're welcome. Andrew, did you really make this? Yes, sir. A robot cannot tell a lie, Andrew. That is not entirely correct, sir. One could lie, if one were ordered to lie, or if it were necessary to tell some untruth in order to keep a human being from harm, -or if one's own safety were in jeopardy--Sir? -Andrew. One did indeed carve that for Little Miss. -And the design-- you're responsible for that? -Yes, sir. -What did you copy it from? -Copy it, ma'am? Well, I mean, you didn't just get it out of thin air. You got it out of some book, right, or used the computer to plot it out? One did nothing more than study the raw material for a time... until one came to understand how best to carve it into a shape... that would appeal to Little Miss's love of tiny mammals. [Soprano Singing Aria] [Continues] [Continues, Louder] [Continues] [Crescendo] Yes, yes. Please come in. I am so glad you called. Mansky, Dennis Mansky. Richard Mark. And an NDR-114. Now, I got your message, but what exactly is it doing? Well, what interests me is he shows a number of characteristics-- like creativity, curiosity, friendship-- that, frankly, have taken us by surprise. Mm-hmm. -Andrew-- -Yes, Dennis? Social as well. Now I'd like to show you something if I may. Now, Andrew carved these. These are original works of art, and last night Andrew said, -"I enjoy making them." -"Enjoy." -Yes. -Should one not use that word? No, no. It's fine, Andrew. See what I mean? It's unusual, surely, to hear a robot talk about enjoying something. What I want to know is, do many of your other robots have--have feelings like this? Must be... something in the pathways. [Clears Throat] So, then, will you be wanting a refund or a replacement? No, neither. I just wanted to get your reaction to Andrew. I wanted to know what you think. He's unique, wouldn't you say? It is an anomaly. No refund, no replacement-- How much do you want? -I don't think I understand. -Well, clearly you realize if word of this gets out, we'll have to recall our entire line. We're in people's homes, sir, with their children. If it is doing what you say, it can also run amok. One is not qualified to run "mucks." All right, sir. If I let you have Andrew, you'll what-- you'll disassemble him, will you? Carefully, yes. We would need to trace the actual course of Andrew's neural pathways, replace the positronic brain, then put it-- him--back together and return him to you, good as new. Now, these neural pathways are presumably fragile. Isn't it possible, in the course of these procedures, that something might go wrong? We would make every conceivable effort. And, in the unlikely event that something did go wrong, you'd, of course, replace Andrew. Of course. Even though he's unique and irreplaceable. [Sighs] He--His-- You s-- Well, it's a natural error-- it has human form, therefore you read mechanical failure as eccentricity... and anthropomorphize it. It is a household appliance, and yet you act like it is a man. We're leaving. Come on, Andrew. Please, I beg you to reconsider, Mr. Martin. Let us examine Andrew, talk to your wife. Name your price! Now, listen to me. There is no price for individuality. He is, for better or for worse, my robot, and you will never lay your hands on him-- do you understand? All in good time. You see, sooner or later you'll have to bring it in for repairs. -Andrew, I've made a decision. -Yes, sir? You will cut back on your workload. You can no longer... devote yourself entirely to children and housework. But one likes the children, sir, specifically the smaller one, Little Miss. That is a contradiction, Andrew, and that is exactly the sort of thing you need to learn about. Thank you for choosing NorthAm Robotics. -So we need a new regimen. -Regimen, sir? First of all, you'll spend part of each day making something. So as not to offend humans, we'd better find something that's not overly artistic. Could you make other things? I could teach you my line of work-- you know, timepieces and clocks and so on. One could not tell you, sir. One has never attempted such things. Well, you will now. Also, you'll spend part of each evening in instruction with me. -And what is the purpose of this instruction? -To teach you, Andrew-- to teach you all the things that haven't been programmed into you. Andrew, you're unique. -Unique? -Thank you for choosing NorthAm Robotics. And I feel a responsibility to help you... become whatever you're able to be. And what is one able to be? Well, I don't know. See, people grow through time. But then, of course, for you, time is a completely different proposition. -For you, time is endless. -Endless? [Chuckles] -Is this a good piece? -Very. [Gulls Cawing] -What about this one? -Excellent. [Tapping] It was a lucky April shower It was the most convenient door I found a million-dollar baby In a five and ten cent store [Continues] [Richard] And, nine months later, a baby is born. And those, Andrew, are the so-called facts of life. People actually do this, sir? -Well, yes. -And married people-- one supposes they see it as some kind of requirement or obligation. Well, it-- [Clears Throat] -it's not exactly an obligation, Andrew. -That's a relief. And it is the natural and preferable way to conceive children. Sir, of all these millions of sperm, only one makes it? -That's true. -What happens to the others? Well, they die. They die? One feels badly for them. Well, one does. -But it's completely agreed that it feels good-- -For both parties, sir? In an ideal world. -So people do it rather frequently. -How often, sir? -Well, as often as they can, matter of fact. -Ahh. At least at first. Sir, -may one speak frankly with you? -As always, Andrew. It's just that the whole process-- it sounds so messy. I think that's a fair comment. They die. [Richard Speaking, Indistinct] [Talking, Laughing Continue] -Isn't it? -[Giggling] What? -[Richard] lt's called "humor." -"Humor"? Yes. People tell jokes to make each other laugh. And this laughter gives pleasure, sir? Yes. Sir, could you teach one to tell a joke? Well, I-let's see. Um-- Two drunks walk into a bar. Wouldn't two drunks walk out of a bar, sir? You walk into a bar to drink, and you come out drunk. Let's try something simpler, Andrew. Um--[Clears Throat] -Knock-knock. -"Knock-knock"? No, knock-knock, someone's at the door. -Shall one get it, sir? -No, no. No. Y-You say, "who's there," Andrew. -Who's there, Andrew? -No, just "Who's there?" One does not know, sir. Let's start with something a little simpler, Andrew. Why did the chicken cross the road? One does not know, sir. Possibly a predator was behind the chicken. Or, possibly, there was a female chicken on the other side, if it's a male chicken. Or possibly a food source or, depending on the season, it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic. To get to the other side. "To get to the other side." Ohhh. Why is that funny? -So, what do you kids have planned for the day? -Probably stick with Andrew. -What about you, Miss? -I'm gonna go play at my friend Natalie's house. Oh. May one, sir? Is now a good time? What? A good time for what? -Last night, Sir taught one-- -No, no, no. Don-Don't blame me, Andrew.Just go ahead. Thank you, sir. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?" How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it. What is a brunette between two blondes? Translator. Do you know why blind people don't like to skydive? It scares their dogs. A man with dementia is driving on the freeway. His wife calls and says, "Sweetheart, I heard there's someone driving the wrong way on the freeway." He says, "One? There's hundreds!" What's silent, smells like worms? Bird farts. -[Laughing] -It must have been an engineer who designed the human body. Who else would put a waste processing plant next to a recreation area? A woman goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Mind if I numb your breasts?" -"Not at all." "Num-num-num-num-num." -[All Laughing] -[Clears Throat] -One did it, sir. Andrew, it was fine, but we might want to talk about... appropriateness and, um--and timing. -It's 10:15, sir. -[Laughing] [Humming Along] -Oh, Andrew. -Little Miss. Would you like me to teach you how to play a duet? -Certainly. -Come on. Okay, ready? You start here, and then just follow me. -I play first, okay? -All right. Ready? Your turn. [Humming Along] Good. Very good. Now together. [Humming Along] [Ends] That was wonderful. Thanks. Thank you, Little Miss. [Plays Ragtime] Hi, Mom. Grace, is it possible for you to find somewhere more private to do that? [Sighs] No problem. just give me your credit disc and we'll get a hotel room. -What did you say to me? -Let's go. What did you say to me, young lady? You get off that bike this minute, and you are grounded! -Get--Go on! Get out of here, you piece of scum! -[Laughing] [Loud Ticking] Richard? Does this look right? Hi, Mom. -Didn't you talk to her about that boy? -Mmm, well, not yet. -Oh. -But I will. [Clears Throat] Kind-of hoping it's a phase that'll pass, -like the others. -[Clocks Chiming Loudly] [Chiming Continues] [Chiming Ends] I am so sick of these damn clocks. I've already given half them away. -Perhaps we should sell them. -Sell them? Well, it's an idea. Well, who gets the money? Well, I imagine we will. But Andrew does all the work. -Yes, but Andrew's our-- -Then Andrew should get the money. Andrew is a robot. What conceivable use would a robot have for money? Robots don't go shopping. Robots don't go on vacations. Robots don't eat dinners in fancy restaurants. [Scoffs] I can't believe we're having this discussion. Dad, it doesn't matter what he is. Andrew deserves to benefit from the work he does. Sweetheart, I will do what's right for Andrew. Of course I will. But at the end of the day we are talking about a machine, and you can't invest your emotions in a machine. Right? -[Woman] Can I get you anything? -No, thank you. -There you are. How are ya? -Bill, good morning. -This must be Andrew. -Andrew, Bill Feingold, family lawyer. -Andrew. -You own one of my clocks. This is one of my favorites. Do you enjoy it? Uh, yes, I do, very much. -I like the new office, Bill. What floor are we on here? -Thirty-seven. Hmm. Andrew, come and have a look at this. No, thank you, sir. -You sure? -No. How can I help you? As you know, Andrew's earned a great deal of money from his endeavors, and what he really wants to do is open his own bank account. -A bank account in the name of a robot? -Mmm. Would that be legal? I couldn't say. There are no precedents. I don't think there's a law against it, but, uh-- Richard, why--why do you want to give him a bank account? What's he need money for? To pay for things, of course, which otherwise Sir would have to pay for. One would like to pull one's own. -Weight. -For what, sir? -Andrew. -Yes, Little Miss? [Gasps] Ooh! Oh. -Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. -Oh. Not to worry. It can be repaired. Wow. Oh--left. Andrew, remember Frank, my boyfriend? Yes, the one your sister says has a nice ass. [Laughing] Oh. Last night-- last night he asked me to marry him. One gathers that is a good thing. -Well, I haven't said "yes" yet. -So there is doubt. No. Frank is wonderful. He's handsome. He's reliable. He's somebody I could spend the rest of my life with. I could have children with him. Then what is the problem? -Board? -No, not at all. -Not him--there. -Oh. Well, I have this friend... that's very special to me. He's just so sweet and funny, and whenever I'm with him... I don't want to be with Frank. One can see that would create a complication. Yes. But the answer's staring you in the face. Marry your friend. -[Laughs] -What? Well, he's not-- I mean, h-he-- A relationship between us would be impossible, really. It could never work out. -Why? -Well, because he's not-- Because he-he'll never be-- Yes? [Sighs] Is something wrong? No. Nothing's wrong, nothing at all. Thank you for listening to me. One is glad to be of service. Little Miss, what will you do about Frank? Accept his proposal. Really? Humans. -Andrew, -Yes? It would mean so much to me if you would be an usher at my wedding. One is unfamiliar with this term. How does one "ush"? You help people to their seats. You wear a tuxedo. -One would wear clothing? -Yes. One has never been asked to wear clothing. -It would be an honor. -Great. [Board Clatters To Floor] -One still is all thumbs. -[Giggling] Installed what? Um, an alarm. If you try to enter Andrew's brain while you're making this repair, the police will be alerted. Also, you should probably know that-- [Clears Throat] if you actually injure Andrew's brain or positronic pathways in anyway, my lawyer, the good Mr. Feingold, will be happy to sue you. He will sue you for the lost value of Andrew's income until the end of time. Well, I think we understand each other. Good. [Clears Throat] Sir, one more item of business. As long is one is in the shop, can you do work on one's face? One wishes to have more expression. One has thoughts and feelings that presently do not show. You want your thoughts and feelings to show on your face? Yes, like the contempt that you are showing me right now. Well, we have done some experimentation. We are able to give robots superficial responses... which mimic human expression. -One has read that there have been NDR upgrades. -Yes, yes. We've worked up a dozen experimental models with expression capabilities, sleeker body types. We ran some market surveys and decided not to go ahead with the line. -Why not? -Negative consumer reaction. There's a growing fear that robots will continue to make... the human work force obsolete. [Clears Throat] Andrew has worked for me for over 15 years. There's no danger of anyone losing their job to him. Surely there's no concern performing these modifications on an old-style robot. True. But procedures like that would be prohibitively expensive. It is understood that you will attempt to rivet one. -Screw, Andrew. -Really? How much? That is roughly one's monthly salary. It's more than I make in a year. Hmm, not bad for-- -What did you call him last time we were here? -Household appliance. -Household appliance? -Household appliance, yes. [Minister] May the peace of the Lord be with you always. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride now. [Congregation Murmuring] It is my pleasure to present Mr. and Mrs. Frank Charney. What? [Grunts] Good evening, sir. Magnificent night. You look very sharp this evening, Andrew. Thank you, sir. -It was quite challenging for the tailor. -[Chuckles] May one continue wearing clothing? -If it suits you. -Are you serious? As always. Well, I suppose so. We'll have to find you some other stuff, though. You can't wear tails all the time. Really? How sad. -Sit down, Andrew, please. -Thank you, sir. -It was a wonderful wedding, wasn't it? -Oh, yes, sir. And, if one may say, you are a spectacular dancer. -Well, that's very kind. -Not at all, sir. It's the truth. Did you record the day? Every second, sir, is in one's memory bank. Well, let's watch it, shall we? Sir? Is everything all right? Um-- [Clears Throat] They've both gone now, Andrew. Well, things change. Things always change. People move on. It's as it should be. But, uh, what I realized today is that, uh, I'll never stop missing them. Sir? One is still here. And one is glad of that, Andrew. Thank you. -Good night, sir. -Good night, Andrew. [Laughing, Chattering] Lloyd! Come here. What did I tell you about throwing sand at people? What did I tell you? Now apologize to Andrew. I will not apologize to it. -Him. -It. -Lloyd. -Sorry. One understands why some animals eat their young. I'm so sorry, Andrew. Are you all right? You seem very quiet. How does one obtain freedom? -Y-You wish to leave us? -Not at all, Little Miss. One merely wishes to be declared free. But why? You have so much freedom here. Until one is ordered to do something. Andrew, it's been years since anyone's given you an order. But you may still request one to perform tasks. Well, we ask all the time, but it's a request, not an order. But that's not enough for you, is it? One has studied your history. Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died... for one idea: freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people... would be worth having. Sir, would now be a good time to speak with you? It's always a good time, Andrew. You know that. It is everything in one's bank account. [Laughing] Why would you want to give me-- To purchase one's freedom. One wants to be free. One would, of course, still obey the three laws... and serve you in exactly the same fashion. The only thing that would change would be the form. One would no longer be your property. You want to leave. That's what this is about, isn't it? Not at all, sir. You are one's family. Then why ask for this? Oh, I see. You're in on this. We've talked about it, yes. So you ordered him to do it, and he obeyed. No. He makes his own decisions. -But you put the idea in his head. -No, Father, you did. You've given him hundreds of books to read. It was simply a matter of time before he became intrigued by the idea of freedom. He learns and grows all the time, and it's because of you and Andrew's abilities... that he's become every bit as complex as we are. Good morning, sir. -You take your check back, please, Andrew. -Why, sir? You are free now. I must ask you to leave this house. But sir, I don't wish to leave. You wished for freedom, you must accept the consequences. -Then I will remove my belongings. -Yes. Where will you go? I will look for a residence nearby... so that if you ever need anything, sir-- That will not happen, Andrew, thank you. There's no need to be close by. -If you command me not to do this, I will obey. -I command nothing. You're free. Then--called or uncalled-- I am always at your service. Andrew, you've stopped referring to yourself as "one." A home of my own. [Knocking] Andrew? -Andrew? -I'm in here. Little Miss. Is something wrong? He asked for you. It's time. -The robot's here. -Andrew. -Hello, Miss. -Andrew. Sir. -How are you, sir? -Well, I'm dying, Andrew. Otherwise I'm fine. Wonderful to see you again. I'm very happy to see you, Andrew. It's been a long time. Yes, it has, sir. I wanted to-- I wanted to tell you... that I was wrong. You're never wrong, sir. Then don't contradict me. You were right to want your freedom, and I'm glad that you have it. Thank you, sir. Andrew, you were very good to us. It was an honor serving you, sir. I want to seek out my own kind. In order to understand my destiny, I must know if there is another like myself. NorthAm Robotics will not return my inquiries, and now that you have finally passed the bar, Lloyd, I want you to sue them for information of the whereabouts of all NDR series robots, if you don't mind. The Freedom of Information Act doesn't quite cover suits by robots. -Not yet. -Mother, I'm a very busy man. I do not have time to help... it pursue some ridiculous lawsuit. Lloyd, sweetheart, I do love you, but sometimes I have to wonder if you really are my child. Well, that's mutation, Mother. The miracle of genetics is I'm not you. No, you've always been more like your father. So that's why you divorced him. Sorry. Andrew, what would you do if I got the information on these other NDRs? I would seek them out, each and every one. So you'd be gone for quite a long time. Oh, yes. Several years if not more, if my calculations are correct. I'd love to help you. Did he not breast-feed? [Andrew] "Dear Little Miss, my journey is nearing the end of its tenth year, and I still have not found any robot that bears any similarity to myself. and I still have not found any robot that bears any similarity to myself. I have thousands of miles to go, hundreds of cities to visit, so I have not given up hope. Love, Andrew." Hello. My last name is Martin. Hey, get off the field. [Mooing] "Dear Little Miss, my journey is nearing its end. I have exhausted all possibilities save for one final ray of hope. I've learned of an NDR robot that has recently been rebuilt back home in San Francisco." [Crowd Chattering] [Woman] Take as many as you need. Oh, then you should love them. I'll be right back. Take as many as you need. -Thank you. -You're quite welcome. ["Respect" By Aretha Franklin] -Whoo -What you want Baby, I got it -Whoo, whoo -What you need Do you know I got it -Whoo, whoo -All I'm askin' -Is for a little respect When you come home -Just a little bit -Hey, baby when you get home -Just a little bit -Just a little bit just a little bit -Mister I ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone -Ain't gonna do you wrong if I don't wanna -Whoo -Whoo, whoo -All I'm askin' -Is for a little respect when ya come home -Just a little bit -Baby, when you get home -Just a little bit -Just a little bit just a little bit -Yeah [Buzzing] Hi. -Is this yours? -Oh. [Giggles] Thank you. I'm looking for Rupert Burns. Oh, you've come to the right place. -Come in. -Certainly have. Huh. -Do you have a name? -Of course I do. Galatea. Galatea. You have an amazing... agility. You were dancing in the market. -Did you like that? -Very much. Dancing is the sportiest sport, and we're so much better at it than humans. I can't believe I finally found you. When did you know? -Know what? -That you were unique. Oh, I knew that right away. Me too. You and I-- we're the same. We have personality! Is your personality chip turned on? -Isn't yours? -No. Sucks to be you! I think personality is much more fun than intelligence, don't you? -[Aretha Franklin] Baby, baby, sweet baby -I think so. There's somethin' that I've just got to say Can I help you? Your robot is just a standard NDR, isn't she? Yeah, I'm afraid so. Why does she have the ability to dance? 'Cause I, uh-- I put a modified skeletal chip into her during a rebuild. -How were you able to do that modification? -My father taught me. He created the android unit at NorthAm Robotics. He's responsible for the technology that allows you to mimic human expression. -What happened to him? -Well, NorthAm laid him off when they shut down the unit, so he started this place, and I took over when he died. -I'm sorry to hear that. -He would have been absolutely thrilled to meet you. I-I-I'm Rupert Burns. -It's a real honor. -The honor is mine. -[Continuing] -Hey! You and I--we're the same! -Let's get loco, robo! -[Metallic Clink] Whoo-hoo! -Shut her off or I will. -Oh. Okay. [Stops] Thank you. [Andrew] Is this your father's work? Yeah--Well, it's-- it's our work, you could say. I haven't really been able to restrain myself from continuing... to tinker with the relentlessly unfashionable android technology. As a matter of fact, I've actually gotten to a point... where I can pretty much exactly replicate the external physical appearance... of a human being. -Remarkable. -Thank you. -Amazing! -Yeah. Unfortunately, nobody seems terribly interested in funding my research. -But-- -I am. I will fund your research. Yeah? That'd be cool. Thank you, darlin'. Okay. Andrew, I want to make it very clear: This is an external physical upgrade only in the strictest sense of the word. You'll feel nothing. None of your internal mechanisms will be changed. You'll still be subject to the parameters of your positronic brain. -Is that clear? -Understood. Okay, good. Now, have you given any thought whatsoever as to what age you'd like to be? Officially, I am 62 years old. -Let's take off 25 years. What do ya say? -Fifteen. -Twenty. Good. -Perfect. Now, Andrew, believe it or not, the secret to all this is actually... -imperfection. -Imperfection? Yeah. Things like... wrinkles, uh, less-than-perfect teeth, details like fading scars, little pockmark-- Look at my nose. See my nose? -It's bulbous and slightly irregular? -It is. Well, I'm the only one who's got my nose, and that's what makes me, me. We need to incorporate these features into your design... so that you can be the only one of you. That's what makes us unique, is those imperfections. I see. Like the shape of your head. -What about the shape of my head? -It's huge. Oh. But lovely. Thank you. Oh. Ah. Oh. -[Screams] -[Screams] -What happened? What's going on? -[Screams] What happened? I saw the inner me. [Whirring] [Beeping] [Sighing] -Is it ready? -Okay. Please, be careful. Don't drop me. -I'm being careful. Oh, my God! -[Gasps] just relax, relax, relax. Why did you do that? That wasn't very funny. just keepin' ya on your toes. -I don't have any toes. -You do now. I do. And hands. And fingers. How do I look? See for yourself. Thank you. [Piano] -Beautiful. -[Gasps, Screams] -Sorry. -Who are you? Andrew. Andrew? You look wonderful, even younger. -How do you do that? -Do-Do I know you? Well, I know I look different too. -I've had an upgrade. Touch it. -What? -No, oh, no! No. -Sorry, the face. What's going on? You leave her alone! -Who are you? -Andrew. No. Andrew? -Yes. -But Andrew's a robot. -Yes, I am. Well, now, an android. -He's had an upgrade. -I know that. -[Eyelids Squeaking] -Oh! -Hello. [Gasps] Hello! It is you. -You know him? -Yes. -You know me? -Yes. -Who are you? No? -I'm Little Miss. Yes. -That's Little Miss. -No. -No? No? -No. -No, that's Portia. -Portia? Yes. -Portia? -Yes. -Who's Portia? -My granddaughter. -Your granddaughter? -Yes. Yes. -Is this some kind of trick? -No. -You're Little Miss? -Yes. Why do you have to look like her? -There is and can be only one Little Miss. -Really? -Yes! -It's a genetic resemblance. Sometimes it skips a generation. -I don't care. I don't like it. -I can see that. But if you took a moment, which I see you're not inclined to do right now, you'd realize Portia and I are very different people. -Why is she imitating you? -[Laughing] -What's so funny? -You are. I'm not trying to be funny. Things have certainly changed around here. That happens after 20 years. I have so much to tell you. Come. Come with me. It is you. Yes. [Andrew] Portia. -Hello, my friend. -Hello, Little Miss. Whose daughter is she? -Lloyd's. -Oh. Now the rudeness makes sense. [Dog Barking] [Whimpering] Go. Go home to your master. [Barks] You don't have a home, do you? I don't have food. I don't eat. Come in. We'll keep each other company. I know you don't like me. Well, I don't like you either. I just wanna make that clear. -It couldn't be more clear if you spat in my face. -I can't. I don't have a mucous gland. Would it be possible to have a slightly longer conversation? May my canine companion enter also? Thank you. Is this your sculpture? No, I'm restoring it. I'm a preservation architect. It's quite horrendous. How ugly was it before you restored it? -Listen. First, you get mad at me because of how I look. -Mm-hmm. Tonight you show up at my door, announce that you don't like me, and then you criticize my work. Once again, I apologize for telling the truth. But it can't be helped. It's my programming. What is it exactly that you want? Family. My last name is Martin, I am so named because your great-grandfather and grandmother... considered me to be a member of your family. Now, Sir is dead. Little Miss is getting older. You don't like me, but at least you'll talk to me if I knock on your door long enough. -Is that a joke? -No. Would you like to hear a joke? This Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." [Laughing] -Andrew, do you--do you have any friends at all? -No. Only Woofy, who's very sweet, but not very challenging on a conversational level. That is the extent of his skills. -So you want someone to talk to? -With. -Even if that person doesn't like you? -You can't have everything. Is that right? Is it, "You can have everything"? Seems like some people do, so I'm somewhat confused on that level. -Sit down. Let's talk. -Thank you. Mm-hmm. Hey there, handsome. Andrew, could I get you anything to drink? -Sorry, I have no stomach. -Oh. Could I get something for him? -He has a stomach. Yes. -Do you think he's hungry? [Continue Speaking, Indistinct] [Woman Over P.A., Indistinct] [Chattering] -How is she? -She's sleeping. What happened? She had a stroke. [Door Closing] Mm. There you are. Little Miss. Hmm. [Exhaling] She's gone? It's cruel that you can cry and I cannot. Here is a terrible pain I cannot express. Will every human being that I care for... just... leave? I'm afraid so. That won't do. Andrew, this is remarkably impressive. You did this all by yourself?. Yes. I downloaded every known medical textbook into my memory. I studied them. That's how I came up with these drawings. I know they're very primitive and not entirely complete, but that's why I need you to fill in the mechanical gaps, Rupert. This is another upgrade. It's considerably more than an upgrade. I mean, you're-- You're talking about a profound transition... from the mechanical to the biological. I realize that, and I believe it is the ideal marriage of both fields. Not only that, but this stuff could cut both ways. I don't think that any existing prosthetic devices or artificial organs... hold a candle to what you've designed here. You could use these in human beings as well. Exactly. Wow! [Winding Down] -What a piece of fecal matter. -Shit. -Excuse me? -What a piece of shit. I know that. No, that's way you say when you're frustrated. You say "piece of shit." -"Piece of shit"? -Yes, but-but with feeling. Oh. What a piece of shit. -More. -What a piece of shit! -Good, very good. -Thank you. Now, are you aware that what you've essentially designed here... is the equivalent of the human central nervous system? -That was my intention, yes. -Okay. Well, you gotta realize that a nervous system is going to... radically enhance the way that you feel and perceive the world around you. I'm not just talking about hot and cold and little tiny pinpricks. Put it this way: As your experience becomes varied, so will the feelings, emotions, sensations... stimulated by that experience. And while some of these will be very subtle... and wonderful and nuanced and shaded, others will be profoundly intense and difficult to tolerate. Do you feel like you're ready for that? Absolutely. -Lovely. -Thank you. I was referring to the statue. I know. Could you fix this piece of shit? [Laughing] I don't know. Let me take a look. -Andrew, I'm sure you could restore this yourself. -Yes, I could. But you could do it much better. Well, I'd be happy to fix it for you. -If it's not too much effort. -No, not at all. I've been working all day, and I could really use some air. Do you wanna go for a walk? Oh, that would be quite splendid. Yes. -[Laughing] -Why are you laughing at me? You're just-- You're always so polite and so proper. -It's very sweet. -Thank you. Let's go. Thank you. [Chuckling] When a man's an empty kettle He should be on his mettle And yet I'm torn apart It's because I'm presumin' that I could be kinda human If I only had a heart -Picture me -Do you have an impact drill? -Uh, yeah, over on the rack. -Thank you. -[Continues Singing] -[Drill Whirring] -Jesus! -[Robot Screaming] [Portia] There's a party next week... to celebrate the opening of the building that I restored, and all my friends will be there, and it would be great if you could come. I would love to. Thank you. I think you're letting me win. Checkmate. [Woman] I love all The many charms About you Above all I want my arms About you Don't Don't be A naughty, naughty baby Come to Mama Come to Mama, do My sweet Embraceable You Charles, why don't you go get us a drink? Sure. -[Applause] -Thank you. Thank you. The very thought of you And I forget to do The simple ordinary things That everyone ought to do I'm living in A kind of daydream I'm happy as a king And foolish Though it may seem To me you're everything The mere idea of you Though I'm here for you You'll never know How slow the moments go Till I'm near you -I never understood the phrase "pearls before swans." -[Laughing] -What? -Swine. Oh? Then the ballet is not Swine Lake? Oh, God, nobody makes me laugh like you. Laughter is essential for a good friendship. Yes, it is. Sometimes I get the feeling that... you feel a certain way about us... and... that you... wish or-- -[Laughing] -What? I don't know. It's just a little-- Having this conversation with-- -A robot? -Yes. I-I mean, a thing is itself, Andrew. A tree is a tree, water is water. You... are a magnificent machine. But no matter how much you change, that's what you'll always be. No, I can't believe that, will not believe that. I realize I'm not entirely human. That's why people don't always like or understand me. -I like you. -You do? I even understand you... some of the time. But I-- I can't invest my emotions in a machine. Must be a genetic trait. Things change, Portia. Things always change. She laughed at me. "A thing is itself, Andrew. Water is water." [Scoffs] What about ice? What about steam, hmm? Andy, you gotta calm down, okay? Do you know what it's like to be laughed at? Humiliating. It's an abomination. Look at me. Look what I'm doing here. I am trying to make something of myself. I am trying to fulfill my destiny. Does she notice? -Andrew? -Yes? I don't want you to take this personally, but I have to work now. -Good night. -Good ni-- Where've you been? I've been trying to call you. -Poke me in the eye. Poke me in the eye, Portia. -What? -You're crazy. -Poke me in the eye! Ow! Ow! [Laughing] That hurts. Ow. [Laughs] -It works. -What the hell is going on? It's my neural net. I am the proud owner of a central nervous system. -You can feel. -Oh, yes, very much. Will you do something for me? -Will you perform an experiment just for the sake of science? -All right. Kiss me. No, not there. Here. Thank you. Could you feel it? It's wonderful. It's everything they say it is. And you? Portia, what's wrong? Charles and I are getting married. He's a lucky man. Congratulations to the both of you. Goddamn it, Andrew. -If you're gonna succeed at this thing-- -What thing? This thing you're trying to do-- you've got to stop being so damn deferential. -I can't help being deferential. It's built in. -Then change. Change? I have changed. I don't mean on the outside. Change on the inside. -Take chances, make mistakes. -Mistakes? Yes! Sometimes it's important not to be perfect, okay? -It's important to do the wrong thing. -Do the wrong thing? -Yes! -Why? Oh, I see-- to learn from your mistakes. No, to make them. To find out what's real and what's not. To find out what you feel. Human beings are terrible messes, Andrew. I'll grant you that. I see. This is what is known as an irrational conversation, isn't it? No, this is a human conversation. It's not about being rational. It's about following your heart. -And that's what I should do? -Yes. And you have a heart, Andrew. You do. I feel it. I don't even believe it sometimes, but I do feel it. And in order to follow that heart, one must do the wrong thing. Yes. Thank you. Galatea, Could you be a little more careful? That's very delicate equipment. -[Shattering] -Sorry. -What are you doing? -Near as I can tell, your bitch work. My what? Oh, you heard me, and I'm sick of it! All day long it's, "Yes, Rupert, sir," "No, Rupert, sir." "Would you like another beverage, Rupert, sir?" And it chaps my ass! So here's a helpful hint for you: [Shouting] Shut up, and let me do my work! -[Clattering] -No, no. I'm done. "Chaps my ass"? -Give me back the chip. Where's the chip? -I replaced it. Andrew, she's uncooperative, she's abusive, she's confrontational-- And a lot more interesting, don't you think? Arguably, but we're not getting any work done, Andrew. Please, please, give me the old personality chip back. Fine. She can be perky again. Perky? She's just a ro-- I didn't mean it that way. Andrew? Andrew! I really didn't mean that. What's the matter with you today? Andrew, where you going? [Classical] [Chattering] Hey, Jamiee, come over here. I want you to meet Charles. -Charles, my aunt Jamie. -Hi, nice to meet you. -This is Ryan. -Hey, Ryan. This is Michael. The boys are great. -[Gasps] Rupert! -What's going on? What's going on? Portia's parents are throwing an engagement party... -that I wasn't invited to for obvious reasons. -Yeah. -There he is. -Who? -The prospective groom. -Where? Where? The one in the pale blue suit with the big pointy chin. -He's got a pointy chin? -Pointy chin? You could put an eye out with that chin. Yeah, that's nothing compared to his teeth. Look at that. I'm amazed he's out in daylight. He's got funny teeth, huh? You need to upgrade your eyes. That shouldn't stop Portia. She can marry whoever she likes. It's just that one day she's gonna wake up next to him and realize... that she is married to a man whose face closely resembles an antique can opener. You know? The kind that used to go-- [Clicking] You know? The ones that move around and can pops off. -You're jealous. You are jealous. -No, I'm not. No, I'm not. You are. Otherwise what are you doing sneaking around here, spying on Portia, huh? My God, I am jealous. If I'm jealous, that means I'm in love. Hi! Oh, thanks for coming. If I'm in love, then all hope is gone. I've lost her. Andrew. Andrew! Andy, would you like a sip of my beer? It would be a waste. I could not taste it. -What if you could? -It would be exquisite. I've come up with a design-- a modification, rather-- that, if I'm correct, would enable you to deal with solid foods and liquids. -And taste? -Taste too. And also, [Exhaling] if my schematics are correct, I think I've come up with a method... to make you... a complete man. Complete? Complete. Complete? Not in a reproductive sense, of course, but in terms of approximating... the physical sensation, you know, that occurs-- [Stammering] friction-- -Sexual relations. -Yeah. Oh, I've always been fascinated by that. Well, I mean, curious... because-- -Well, because of what they say. -What do they say? That you can lose yourself-- everything, all boundaries, all time-- the two bodies can become so mixed up... that you don't know who's who or what's what. And just when the sweet confusion is so intense you think you're gonna die, you kind of do, leaving you alone in your separate body. But the one you love is still there. That's a miracle. You can go to heaven and come back alive. You can go back anytime you want-- with the one you love. -And you want to experience that? -Oh, yes, please. So do I. [Chattering] We'll have to hire more people. Maybe two more weeks. [Whispers] Andrew. -Excuse me. I'll be right back. -Sure. -I didn't expect to see you. -[Chuckles] I remember this place very well. This is where your grandmother was married. Yeah, I wanted it ready for my own wedding. So, you're not married yet? No, two weeks from Saturday. I'm not too late. Are you absolutely positive you're doing the right thing? -Positive? -About getting married? -I'm never absolutely positive. -So you could be doing the wrong thing. -No, I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing. -Great. -Why is that great? -In your apartment, you told me to do the wrong thing. Now, you are not doing the wrong thing. You're doing the right thing. It's safe to say you're not following your own advice, 'cause if you were, you would definitely not be marrying this man, Charles. -Because I would be doing the right thing. -Precisely. In some strange way, you're starting to make sense. Good. Do you have any idea what it's like to be in love with someone... who's about to marry someone else? Someone totally magnificent, someone who walks into a room and lights it up like the sun? Someone who you know is lying to herself? -Lying? -Convincingly, yeah. Very, very much so. -About what? -That you don't love me, when I know at least in some way you do. -And how do you know that? -Portia, I have done everything inside and out. -But that stuff doesn't matter to me. -Well, something matters, 'cause I'd have to believe if nothing mattered, you'd love me... and not some man whose chin could sink the Titanic. -[Laughing] -What? See? It's true, isn't it? I'm sorry. Does he light you up like this? Does he make you laugh? Nobody makes me laugh like this. Good. Then admit it. Admit that you love me. -Give me one kiss. -Oh, God. That's all. One quick kiss. just one kiss... could not jeopardize a glorious marriage. Besides, it would also explain to me why your pulse jumped from 66 to 102 beats per minute. Your respiration rate has doubled. You're putting out clouds of pheromones. -It's not fair to read me like that. -I know. Love isn't fair. I'm reading your heart. I'm asking you to follow it-- begging you. Begging is supposed to be humiliating. I don't care. I love you, Portia. I loved you the very first moment I saw you. -I thought you said a quick kiss. -I lied. [Gasps] How do you feel? -Wonderful. -So do I. I guess that's the point. [Stomach Growling] -What was that? -That's your stomach growling. You're hungry. [Flatulence] -Was that me? -Yes. -I thought it was you. -No, it wasn't me. Really? Ooh. Do you do that? Sometimes. Quieter than that. -Ah. I'll have to have Rupert make me a muffler. -[Laughing] Mm-hmm. It's wonderful. It's wonderful-- the taste and the texture both. You know, it's marvelous. I know this will be my fourth helping, but may I please have some more? Pig--very smart animal. Obviously not that smart if it ends up as bacon. I feel like I'm eating my way through the entire food chain. Thank you. What? What's wrong? If we're together-- you and me-- we'll never be accepted. Because I'm not human. That will not do. I will have to get started. Started with what? The next step. I love you. Wish me luck. [Man] Andrew Martin, step forward, please. So, Mr. Martin, you would like us to pass a bill... declaring you a human being. Yes, specifically the ability to marry... -a fellow human being. -I see. We have to face the undeniable fact... that no matter how much you may be like a human being, you are not part of the human gene pool. You are outside of it entirely. You are something else, something artificial. Sir, what about all the real people wading in the gene pool... who have bodies full of prosthetic devices, many of which I have invented. You yourself, sir, have one of my kidneys, do you not? Are you not in some way artificial, at least in part? In part, yes. Well, then, I'm human in part. Which part, Andrew? This one, sir. I see. And here? It is true I am still equipped with a positronic brain. And because of that positronic brain, you are, for all accounts, immortal. Yes, sir. Well, Andrew, society can tolerate an immortal robot, but we will never tolerate an immortal human. It arouses too much jealousy, too much anger. I'm sorry, Andrew. This court cannot and will not validate your humanity. I hereby bring an end to these proceedings. It is the decision of this court... that Andrew Martin from this day forward... will continue to be declared a robot-- a mechanical machine, nothing more. One is glad to be of service. Andrew, I have to tell you... I'm beginning to feel not so sure. -About us? -No. -Next week will be my 75th birthday. -I know, and you look 50. -Thank you. -A spectacular 50. -But I don't feel 50. -Your body does. Last night was amazing. What was that called again? -Shut up and listen to me. -Sorry. -And don't give me that look. I'm not ordering you around. -Whatever you say. -Please don't be agreeable. -I'm not being agreeable. I can be if you want. Oh, goddamn it, Andrew, I'm trying to tell you something important here. [Sighing] I'm not going to live forever. Yes, you will. That's why I invented-- No, no, I won't always take your D.N.A. elixirs. I won't have all my organs replaced. Eventually I'm going to wear out. -And I want to. -Why would you want to leave? There's an... order to things. Human beings are meant to be here for a certain time and then pass on. That's what's right. I see. -There's just one problem, Portia. -What? I couldn't stand to live without you. Andrew, people grow through time, but then, of course, for you time is a completely different proposition. For you, time is endless. There's only one thing to do. [Whirring] Galatea, my dear, where are we? The transfusion is almost complete. Is that so? just goes to show you, Andrew, somebody becomes a human being, sooner or later, they do something monumentally stupid. You've been a great example, Rupert. How quickly will the blood degrade my system? Oh, I don't know. You exercise, eat right, I'd say 30, 40 years. That's a little vague, chief. You don't know exactly how long I'll last? Sorry. Welcome to the human condition. Andrew Martin-- I have always tried to make sense of things. There must be some reason I am as I am. As you can see, Madam Chairman, I am no longer immortal. You have arranged to die? In a sense, I have. I am growing old, and my body is deteriorating, and, like all of you, it will eventually cease to function. As a robot, I could've lived forever. But I tell you all today, I would rather die a man... than live for all eternity as a machine. Why do you want this? To be acknowledged... for who and what I am-- no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval. The simple truth of that recognition-- this has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die... with dignity. Mr. Martin, what you are asking for is... extremely complex and controversial. It will not be an easy decision. I must ask for your patience... while I take the necessary time to make a determination... of this extremely delicate matter. I await your decision, Madam Chairman. Thank you for your patience. We tried. Is it almost time? In a few minutes. It doesn't matter what the World Congress says. Why do you need their approval? Old habit. I started my existence as a robot. I still like to be told certain things. It's time. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Marjorie Bota, President of the World Congress. According to records of the NorthAm Robotics Company, the robot, also known as Andrew Martin, was powered up at 5:15 p.m., on April 3, 2005. In a few hours, he will be 200 years old, which means that, with the exception of Methuselah and other biblical figures, Andrew is the oldest living human being in recorded history. For it is by this proclamation... that I validate his marriage to Portia Charney... and acknowledge his humanity. [Sighs] Andrew? I'm sorry he didn't see it. Maybe he didn't need to. Could you do me a favor? Would you mind unplugging me? That's an order. Thank you, Galatea. As the great Andrew Martin used to say, "One is glad to be of service." I'll see you soon. Laugh and cry Live and die Life is a dream We all dream it Day by day I find my way Look for the soul And the meaning Then you look at me And I always see What I have been searching for I'm lost as can be Then you look at me And I am not lost anymore People run Sun to sun Caught in their lives Ever flowing One sweet dawn Life goes till it's gone We have to go Where it's going Then you look at me And I always see What I have been searching for I'm lost as can be Then you look at me And I am not lost Anymore And you say you see When you look at me The reason you love life so Though lost I have been I find love again And life just keeps on running And life just keeps on running You look at me And life holds love for You For You

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