The Simpsons: Season: 1 Episode: 2

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Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire Homer's Odyssey

[incomplete: quotes & not enough]

Martin Prince: Bart, I hope you won't bear some simple minded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building.
Bart: Eat my shorts!!
Martin: Pardon?

(The family is playing Scrabble)
Bart: My turn. "Kwyjibo". (places his tiles) K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here-
Homer: (grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right) Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. (observing Homer) Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: (playing along) And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape!!!
Bart: (as Homer chases him away) Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!

Mrs. Krabappel: Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success (looks directly at Bart)... if any.

Principal Skinner: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble!
Martin: And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.

Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son, a genius - how does it happen?
Dr. Pyror: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment... (sees Homer staring blankly)... although in some cases it is a total mystery.

Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you - why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
Homer: Nonsense, Marge! Frosted Krusty Flakes is what got him here today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
Marge: (nagging tone) Homer!
Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain explodes.

Bart's first day at the gifted school. Homer sees it has a dress code.
Homer: Oh, they required ties. No problem, boy, here is mine.
Homer removes tie
Homer: Now to wear a tie, you just attach the clip, like so!
Bart: Thanks, Dad.
Homer: Now pay attention, because you may learn great things. In fact, you might do what we Simpson men have dreamed of for generations. You may outsmart somebody.

Homer: Jeez. No beer, no opera dogs...
Bart: It ain't over until the fat lady sings.
Homer: Is that one fat enough for you, son?
[Bart and Homer laugh to Marge's annoyance, as well as the other audience members]

Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Homer: You can't stay in there forever!
Bart: I can try!
Homer: March your butt right outta here, NOW!
Bart: No way, man!
Homer: Bart! (pause) Son, if you don't come out, I can hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
[Bart is drinking a soda and reading a comic book.]
Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that, I'm insulted!
Homer: D'oh! [gets angry and pounds on the door once again. We cut to the Simpsons house where we could hear Homer continuing to bang on the door.]