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[incomplete & unfixed/messed]


MAN: Night, Brian! See you tomorrow!

THE SOUND OF A SMALL GIRL CAN BE HEARD. BRIAN GOES TO INVESTIGATE.

BRIAN: Hey, what's the matter? Are you lost, honey?

SMALL GIRL: *tearfully* My big brother went away and left me by my lonesome. Big brothers aren't supposed to do that to their baby sisters!

BRIAN: Here, dry your eyes and I'll help you find a policeman. He'll get you home safe and sound.

SMALL GIRL: You're so nice to me.

SMALL GIRL: *suddenly, her voice sounds more mature* But then you always was the nicest one, Timmy.

BRIAN: You! But how-

BRIAN IS KNOCKED OUT.

SMALL GIRL: Sorry I had to play roughs, Timmy. I didn't mean to.

SCENE CHANGE: A NEWS SEGMENT BEGINS PLAYING.

SUMMER: Gotham Insider asks, "Where are they now?"

SUMMER: When her sitcom, "Love That Baby", premiered over twenty years ago, little Mary Louis Dahl became an overnight sensation.

SUMMER GLEESON POINTS TO AN IMAGE OF THE SMALL GIRL WE SAW EARLIER.

WE ARE SHOWN A CLIP OF THE SITCOM.

SUMMER: As the adorable Baby Doll, young Mary quickly captured the hearts of millions.

AS BABY DOLL IS UP TO HER ANTICS, HER PARENTS STORM IN.

FATHER: Well, Baby, you'd better have a pretty good explanation for this!

BABY DOLL: I didn't mean to.

A LAUGH TRACK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

WE NOW SEE THAT THIS NEWS SEGMENT IS BEING VIEWED BY BATMAN, ROBIN, AND COMMISSIONER GORDEN.

ROBIN: I remember this show from when I was a kid! It still stinks.

COMMISSIONER GORDEN: Be that as it may, the original cast's actors have disappeared last week.

BATMAN REVIEWS THE PHOTOS OF EACH CAST MEMBER.

BATMAN: And these two?

COMMISSIONER GORDEN: Miss Vance is in the show at Gotham Rep. I have police bodyguards following her everywhere.

HE LOOKS AT A PICTURE OF MARY DAHL.

COMMISSIONER GORDEN: But that other one, Mary Dahl, dropped out of sight years ago. Ironically, the same thing that brought her fame turned her into a recluse.

BATMAN: I read about her once in a medical journal. She was born with Systemic Hypoplasia; a rare condition that kept her from aging.

COMMISSIONER GORDEN: Would you believe she was only twenty years old in that clip? She'd be about 30 now.

BATMAN: It's obvious someone has a vendetta against these actors.

HE EJECTS A VHS TAPE FROM THE PLAYER.

BATMAN: We'll study this and call you back if we-

A FRANTIC CALL CAN BE HEARD FROM GORDEN'S RADIO.

POLICE OFFICER: All units! All units! Gunfire reported at Gotham Rep! They're making a try for Vance!

WE SEE A GUNMAN SHOOTING HIS WAY THROUGH POLICE BODYGUARDS.

POLICE OFFICER: Stay down!

ANOTHER GUNMAN EXITS THE THEATER, MISS VANCE IN HAND.

MISS VANCE: Let me go! Why are you doing this?

GUNMAN: Quiet!

ROBIN: The lady asked you a question, creep!

ROBIN APPEARS AND KICKS THE GUNMAN AWAY FROM MISS VANCE, SENDING HIM INTO A GARBAGE CAN.

ROBIN: How about you answer?

THE FIRST GUNMAN DIRECTS HIS FIRE TOWARDS ROBIN. HE AND MISS VANCE DIVE TO COVER. SUDDENLY, BATMAN KICKS THE GUNMAN AWAY.

AS THE POLICE LOWER THEIR WEAPONS, A LARGE BUS COMES SPEEDING TOWARDS THEIR BLOCKADE, TARGETING MISS VANCE. ROBIN PUSHES HER OUT OF THE WAY. THE BUS IS ABOUT TO HIT HIM.

BATMAN: Robin!

BUT HE'S TOO FAST. ROBIN JUMPS ON TOP OF THE BUS AND ESCAPES TO A LADDER JUST BEFORE IT CRASHES INTO A WALL.

DISTRACTED, BATMAN IS OVERPOWERED BY THE GUNMAN BUT QUICKLY FENDS HIM OFF. MISS VANCE ATTEMPTS TO RUN AWAY FROM THE SCENE, BUT SHE IS TOO SLOW. SHE IS THROWN INTO THE BUS AND TAKEN AWAY

MISS VANCE: No! Help!

ROBINl: They're getting away!

BATMAN: We'll get 'em.

BATMAN ACTIVATES THE BATMOBILE. IT SPEEDS TOWARD THE SCENE.

THE OUTLINE OF MARY DAHL CAN BE SEEN BOUNCING A BALL, WHICH BOUNCES AWAY. AS SHE GOES TO RETRIEVE IT, SHE IS NEARLY HIT BY THE BATMOBILE. BATMAN GASPS.

ROBIN: No!

MARY SCREAMS AS BATMAN FRANTICALLY TRIES TO STOP THE BATMOBILE FROM HITTING HER. INSTEAD, IT CRASHES INTO A NEWSSTAND.

MARY DAHL: Mommy!

SHE RUNS OFF TOWARDS THE SCENE, ONLY STOPPING TO MAKE WAY FOR THE BUS.

SHE RUNS INTO ROBIN'S ARMS.

MARY DAHL: I lost my Mommy!

ROBIN: It's okay.

A WOMAN CARRYING A DOLL MAKES HER WAY THROUGH THE CROWD.

WOMAN: Oh, my baby!

MARY DAHL: Mommy!

MARY IS PASSED INTO HER ARMS.

WOMAN: Naughty, naughty baby! Haven't I told you not to run off?

MARY DAHL: I didn't mean to...

BATMAN AND ROBIN ARE SEEN WALKING AWAY. ROBIN TURNS HIS HEAD AT THE SOUND OF BABY DOLL'S CATCHPHRASE AND ALERTS BATMAN.

BATMAN: Hold it!

MARY TURNS HER HEAD TOWARDS HIM, ANGRY.

MARY DAHL: Naughty Mr. Batman! You play too rough!

MARY THROWS HER BALL TO THE GROUND, AND A LARGE EXPLOSION OF SMOKE EMERGES. A FLURRY OF CONFUSION FOLLOWS. PEOPLE RUN AROUND AIMLESSLY. ROBIN CATCHES A FIGURE HE BELIEVES TO BE A GOON.

ROBIN: Gotcha!

BULLOCK: It's me, dope.

AS BATMAN CLEARS THE SMOKE, IT IS REVEALED THAT MARY AND HER GOONS ARE NO WHERE TO BE SEEN

SCENE CHANGE: MISS VANCE SLOWLY OPENS HER EYES AND SEES THAT SHE'S IN A FAMILIAR PLACE: THE SET OF "LOVE THAT BABY". PARTICULARLY, HER CHARACTER'S ROOM.

MISS VANCE: Ugh, where am I?

HER EYES WIDEN IN SHOCK.

MISS VANCE: Huh? It can't be!

SHE RUNS INTO ANOTHER ROOM OF THE SET: THE LIVING ROOM. THERE SHE SEES HER PREVIOUS CAST MATES.

MISS VANCE: Todd? June? Brian?

TODD: Tammy! She got you too!

MISS VANCE: Is this some sort of bad joke? What are we doing on the old set? And in these clothes?

MARY DAHL EMERGES FROM IN BETWEEN HER GOONS' LEGS.

MARY DAHL: Welcome home, sister Susie! I missed you so!

MISS VANCE GASPS AS MARY DAHL RUNS TOWARDS HER AND PICKS UP HER DOLL.

MARY DAHL. Mr. Happy has said he missed you too!

SHE GIGGLES.

MISS VANCE: Mary? Mary Dahl? Is this a joke?

MARY'S VOICE BECOMES MORE MATURE AS SHE SPEAKS.

MARY DAHL: No, sillies, I'm Baby, 'member? It's Susie and Timmy and Mommzy and Daddy and Baby together again for ever than evers.

SCENE CHANGE: WE ARE TAKEN TO THE SPACIOUS OF SUMMER GLEESON. SHE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.

SUMMER: I don't care what Mayor Hill says, the people have the right to know and if he won't talk to us-

BATMAN DROPS A PICTURE OF MARY DAHL AT HER DESK. SHE LOOKS AT IT.

SUMMER: I'll call you back, Marv.

SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE.

SUMMER: Since when are you interested in has-been actors?

BATMAN: Since that one's been kidnapping her co-stars.

JOURNALIST: You serious?

BATMAN: She's been picking them off, one by one. Any reason she'd have a grudge?

SUMMER: Actually, they should hate her. Dahl put them out of work when she quit the series to be become a "dramatic actress".

SHE PULLS OUT A STACK OF TAPES, ALL LABELED "BABY DOLL", EXPECT ONE LABELED "MACBETH". SHE INSERTS THAT ONE IN HER VHS PLAYER. HER TV SHOWS A SCENE OF MARY DAHL PORTRAYING LADY MACBETH IN "MACBETH".

MARY DAHL: What, will these hands never be clean? Here's the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh! Oh! Oh!

HER VERY YOUNG STATURE STICKS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB, EVEN MORE THAT HER BAD ACTING.

ROBIN: Pee-yew!

SUMMER: That's what the critics said. Baby's dramatic career flopped and when she tried to start her TV show again the networks turned her down.

BATMAN: That still doesn't explain why she's after her old cast.

ROBIN: Maybe there's a clue in these old episodes.

SUMMER: You can borrow them if you want. And when you crack the case you can pay me back with an exclusive-

SHE TURNS TO FACE THE DUO, BUT THEY ARE GONE.

SUMMER: -interview.

SCENE CHANGE: WE ARE BACK TO THE SET OF "LOVE THAT BABY". THIS TIME, THE CAST IS IN THE KITCHEN, TIED AND BOUND TO CHAIRS AROUND THE DINING TABLE. MARY IS IN A HIGH CHAIR, WITH HER "MOTHER" FIXING HER HAIR.

MARY DAHL: Isn't this the bestest? Having breakfast, just like old times.

MISS VANCE: Oh, oh, it's swell, Baby!

BRIAN: Great!

MARY LOOKS UNIMPRESSED AT THEIR FORCED ENTHUSIASM. SHE CATCHES SIGHT OF A ROPE AND PULLS ON IT.

MARY DAHL: Uh ohs! Here comes Buster, beggin' for scraps!

SHE WHEELS IN A FAKE DOG. ATTACHED TO IT IS A SMALL WALKMAN CASSETTE.

MARY WHEELS IN INTO HER ARMS AND PRESSES A BUTTON THE WALKMAN. A DOG'S WHIMPER FOLLOWS. THE CAST HAVE HORRIFIED EXPRESSIONS ON THEIR FACES. "BUSTER" IS PUSHED TOWARDS TODD.

MARY DAHL: Bad boy, Buster. Go away!

MARY KICKS THE FAKE DOG OFF SCREEN. SHE PULLS A PINK MINIATURE RADIO OUT A PLAYS A LAUGH TRACK.

MARY DAHL: Hey, guess what's today! Does anybody know?

EVERYONE LOOKS CONFUSED.

MARY DAHL: Aw, c'mon! Guess!

SHE LOOKS ANNOYED AT THEIR COMPLETE CONFUSION.

MARY DAHL. It's my Births-day! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay for me!

HER ASSISTANT PUTS A PART HAT ON HER HEAD.

TODD: You mean you had us bought here just so you could throw yourself a surprise party? That's it! I always knew you were a selfish little brat! Always throwing your temper-tantrum and making life miserable for the rest of us! Well, this time you've gone too far! Expect a call from my lawyer!

AS TODD STORMS OFF, HE IS STOPPED BY MARY'S ASSISTANT. WHEN HE TURNS TO MARY, SHE FEIGNS INNOCENCE. THE ASSISTANT KICKS HIM BACK TOWARDS THE TABLE.

JUNE: Todd!

MARY DAHL: Isn't Miriam a treasure? I couldn't get through the dens without hers!

THE CAST CROWDS AROUND TODD, TRYING TO ASSIST HIM.

MARY DAHL: Naughty, naughty daddy!

THE CAST BRINGS TODD BACK TO HIS SEAT.

MARY DAHL: Why'd ya yell at your baby like that?

TODD: You're not my daughter. And we're not a family! We're actors, remember? You canceled our show because you whined you weren't getting enough attention!

MARY DAHL: But I knows now I made a boo-boo!

MARY BEGINS TO CRY. SHE STOPS ABRUPTLY, AND WE GET A CLOSE UP OF HER FACE. AS SHE OPENS HER EYES, WE CAN SEE SHE LOOKS OLDER AND MORE TIRED THAN BEFORE. SHE BEGINS TO SPEAK IN A WOMANLY VOICE.

MARY DAHL: It was hard for me out there. I studied and trained and auditioned but no one wanted me.

THE LIGHTS ARE DIMMED. A SINGLE SPOTLIGHT ILLUMINATES MARY AS SHE MONOLOGUES. SHE PULLS OUT HER RADIO AND PLAYS AN "AW" TRACK. SHE JUMPS DOWN FROM THE TABLE AND WALKS TOWN A TRAIL OF SPOTLIGHTS.

MARY DAHL: Over the years I remembered how happy I was when I had all of you around me and the folks at home watching me, enjoy me.

SHE TRANSFORMS BACK TO HER BABY VOICE.

MARY DAHL: Baby Doll!

SHE RUNS BACK TO THE TABLE.

MARY DAHL: Now I'm Baby for good and everyone will love me again! Hugs, hugs!

THE CAST IS FORCED TO EMBRACE HER. MARY PLAYS THE "AW" TRACK FROM HER RADIO.

SCENE CHANGE: ROBIN WATCHES A SIMILAR SCENE FROM AN "EVERY LOVES BABY" EPISODE. HE AND BATMAN ARE IN THE BATCAVE.

ROBIN: Remember that time Poison Ivy nearly smothered us in those vines? With the really sharp thorns?

BATMAN: Yes.

ROBIN: This is worse.

BATMAN WALKS OVER TO JOIN ROBIN IN FRONT OF THE TV.

ROBIN: I did learn one thing, though. Baby hasn't gotten every member of her cast.

WE ARE SHOWN THE TV. BABY STANDS IN FRONT OF CAKE.

ROBIN: In the last season, the show's ratings began to drop. So the producers introduced a new character: Baby's little cousin, Spunky.

A SMALL BOY COMES ON SCREEN. HE HAS A MISCHIEVOUS GRIN ON HIS FACE. HE SHOVES BABY'S FACE IN HER CAKE. ROBIN LAUGHS, CATCHES HIMSELF, THEN RESUMES HIS BORED EXPRESSION. BATMAN TOSSES NEWSPAPERS ONTO A NEARBY TABLE:

BATMAN: According to these, Dahl was furious that she was upstaged on her birthday episode and walked off the series.

ROBIN: So why hasn't she gone after cousin Spunky?

BATMAN REWINDS THE TAPE TO THE PART WHERE SPUNKY SHOVES BABY'S FACE INTO HER CAKE.

BATMAN: Maybe she's waiting for the right occasion.

THE SCENE CHANGES TO A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD. ROCK MUSIC PLAYS FROM A GARAGE. AN OLDER, OVERWEIGHT SPUNKY IS BEHIND THE GUITAR. THE ASSISTANT FROM EARLIER, MIRIAM, PASSES BY, PUSHING A BABY CARRIAGE. SHE STOPS AND GOES TO HIM, ANNOYED.

MIRIAM: Excuse me. Excuse me! My baby was taking a nap and you're music woke her up!

SPUNKY: Hey, I have to practice, y'know?

HE LOOKS INTO THE BABY CARRIAGE. DAHL IS INSIDE.

MARY DAHL: You're still a stinky jerk face, Spunky.

SHE RAISES HER BOTTLE AND SHOOTS A GAS IN HIS FACE. HE STARTS CHOKING AND IS KNOCKED OUT.