Narrator: Ahhh... The Krusty Krab, Bikini Bottom's answer to fine dining. And here we see one of its patrons now. [Patrick runs away from the back of the Krusty Krab dropping grease across his path] Ah... yes, moving on. Oh, it is the SpongeBob, creator of the fine cuisine within. Now let us watch.
Squidward: One Krabby Patty, extra grease. [SpongeBob chuckles and flips a page in his book.]
SpongeBob: Ooh! [he starts laughing]
SpongeBob:[he laughs more and flips a page][Gasps and moans]
SpongeBob:[he gasps again and laughs even more]
Squidward: All right, let me see it. [he picks up the book that SpongeBob was looking at] The Krusty Krab work schedule, what's so great about this?
SpongeBob:[gasps] What's so... why, it's my happy book. The Krusty Krab is where all of my happiest memories occurred.
Squidward: Hmmm... [drops SpongeBob's book] Oops, I accidentally burned up your memories.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. [walks to his cabinet and opens it] I have a whole cabinet of backups. [Squidward deflates] So what's your happiest memory, Squidward?
Squidward: Ummm, let me think... [thinks of TV static and color bars screen][sighs] I guess I don't have a happiest memory. Oh, well. [walks away]
[SpongeBob thinks and he pops out from Squidward's boat]
SpongeBob: Squidward, you don't have a happiest memory?
Squidward: So what?
SpongeBob: How can you live without a happiest memory? Do you cry yourself to sleep at night?
Squidward: I hear you crying all the time.
SpongeBob: Well, with joy, Squidward, with joy.
Squidward: Look, I don't need a happy memory, so just get back to your culinary grease factory and leave me alone.
Sandals: Hey, I'd like to order a Krabby Patty please. [Squidward cries] Okay... can someone else take my order?
[Spongebob pops out from the Squidward's boat again and cries with Squidward]
Sandals: I'll wait.
Squidward: You're right, SpongeBob, I don't have a happiest memory. This is horrible....
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward, I'll help you make a happiest memory.
Squidward: Really? Do you think you can?
SpongeBob: No problem.
Squidward: Well, it's against my better judgment, but, okay.
[at the concert, the song plays]
SpongeBob: You love music, right, Squidward?
Squidward: Mmm hmm.
SpongeBob: Then this will definitely be your happiest memory!
Squidward: Hey, this isn't so bad. I think I actually feel kinda...happy!
SpongeBob: See? Your happiest memory is forming!
[Nat plays his violin but his bow launches from it]
SpongeBob: Oops. That was a sour note. [Notices the violin bow on Squidward's eye]
Squidward: This is not my happiest memory...
[Bubble transition to the Museum]
Squidward: Why are we at the Art Museum?
SpongeBob: Well, you love art. Maybe you'll find a happiest moment in here!
Squidward: Great... I get to see all the art of people who have succeeded where I've failed. My art will never be shown in this... [Walks into a statue resembling him] What the? This... this is my sculpture! How did it get here?
Art Critic:[Walks up to Squidward's sculpture along with a group of fish] Oh! You're just in time! Art lovers, this is Squidward Tentacles! Creator of this piece! [The group is in awe]
SpongeBob: Wow! Your work at a museum Squidward!
Squidward:[Excited] Gosh! I can't believe it! I think this might be it!
SpongeBob: Your happiest memory?
Art Critic: And now the performance artist Fiasco will say a few words about this piece [camera shifts over to Fiasco]
Squidward: Gosh! Fiasco himself is talking about my art!
Fiasco: Ahem! Squid... ward... go toward... the light... [takes out a flamethrower] of my flamethrower! [burns down Squidward's sculpture and the Art Critic's group claps for him]
Squidward: And now he's melted it...[Fiasco takes away the sign "Created by Squidward Tentacles" and replaces it with "Burned by Fiasco"] Not a happiest memory...
SpongeBob: Um... it's kinda smokey in here! [grabs Squidward's arm] You need fresh air!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward (who is blindfolded) in a hot air balloon]
SpongeBob: What a majestic view!
Squidward: What view?
SpongeBob: Oh yeah! I forgot about your blindfold! [removes Squidward's blindfold] Isn't it beautiful?
Squidward:[looks down at his house] Very nice... except that I'm AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!
SpongeBob: Oh! Sorry Squidward! I'll take us down! [takes out a needle]
Squidward: Wait! No! [SpongeBob pops the balloon] Oh boy... [he and SpongeBob start flying around and crash into a mountain. he knocks away the basket and notices SpongeBob's behind] Oh yeah...nice view...
Harold:[reaches the top] Son of a seahorse! Twenty years of training and a couple of amateurs just leap out of a balloon! Here! [gives SpongeBob his flag] You plant it! [walks back down] All that time and money and resources wasted on...
SpongeBob: Hey! We're the first to ever reach the top of Mt. Bikini! Surely that makes for a happiest memory! I claim this mountain in the name of Squidward Tentacles! [accidentally jams the flag onto Squidward's foot]
Squidward:[removes the flag from his foot and notices the mountain starting to shake] Uh oh...[the snow starts to carry him and SpongeBob down the mountain]
Harold: Stupid amateurs... [stops walking and notices the snow] Fantastic... [the snow carries him, SpongeBob, and Squidward onto Conch Street]
Squidward: Time to face facts. I'll never have a happiest memory. [opens the snow up like a door and walks out then turns to SpongeBob] And if I do, it definitely won't involve you. [closes the snow door on SpongeBob and locks it; then walks inside his house and closes the door] Hello misery... I'm home... [walks up the stairs and gets on his bed] I might as well go to bed for a hundred years or so. [lays down in bed] Wake me when I'm dead... [rolls under his bed]
Narrator: Two weeks later...
SpongeBob:[at his house] Gary, I am worried about Squidward. He hasn't come out of his house for two weeks now!
SpongeBob:[knocks Squidward's door] Why isn't he answering? [looks through Squidward's mail slot] Squidward! Squidward! Now I'm really worried! Squidward! SQUIDWARD! [notices Squidward through the window] Gasp! Squidward! Down here! He's upstairs! [near Squidward's window will sitting on top of Gary; then knocks on the window] Hey! Hey! Squidward! [Squidward pulls the blinds down on both windows] Well at least we know that he is still alive. Uh oh... [Gary's shell falls off and SpongeBob lands on the ground; then runs into Squidward's house and Gary's shell cracks off of him] I'm okay Gary!
[bubble transition to inside SpongeBob's house and near the phone]
SpongeBob: Squidward sure seems depressed. I think I'll call him to cheer him up! [starts calling Squidward and he picks up the phone] Hello? Squidward? Are you there? [Squidward throws his phone out his window and into SpongeBob's house] Squidward? Are you there? Squidward?
SpongeBob: Gary? What are you doing at Squidward's? Uh Gare? Can you put Squidward on the phone? [Notices Gary trying to give him another phone and takes it] Hold on a second, someone is on the other line. [echoing] Hello? Hello!? HELLO!? [Squidward's phone breaks] Hello? [his phone then breaks]
Squidward: I just can't seem to get happy... [opens his oven and takes out burned food] Well, that didn't help... [hears ringing; then walks over to his phone] Huh? That's strange, I could have sworn I just threw that damn phone away. [notices his fax machine] Oh yeah. My fax machine. Now, why did I buy that again?
SpongeBob:[emerges from the fax machine and is in paperized form] Hi Squidward! [Squidward grabs him] You sure are a hard man to get a hold of! [sniffs] Hey, do I smell brownies?
Squidward: Yes... [tosses SpongeBob into the paper shredder and picks the box up] Thanks for stopping by. [dumps SpongeBob out of his window then closes it]
Gary: Sigh... meow. [gathers up the bits of SpongeBob and puts him back together]
SpongeBob: Thanks Gary! I have to find a way to give Squidward a happiest memory. These pants may be square, but it's time to think outside the box!
Squidward:[grabs a rope] I can't seem to get happy... [swings the rope over] Maybe this will help. [pulls on the rope to reveal a scallop in a cage but it sprays unknown liquid at him and the cage falls on his face; the scallop then flies away] Nope... I guess not... [hears knocking] Oh great... I wonder who that could be... [looks through the mail slot and notices the Mailfish] You're not SpongeBob.
Mailfish: I have a package for a Squidward "Tentaclees"?
Squidward: "Tentacles". Yes that's me.
Mailfish: Well here you go. [gives Squidward the package]
Squidward: Thanks... [closes his door] Doesn't say who's it from. No doubt SpongeBob is hiding inside. Ah well, here goes nothing. [opens the package] GOTCHA! Huh? [notices it empty] It's empty. Empty, just like my miserable life! [SpongeBob emerges from the box] I see nothing but darkness ahead... [SpongeBob taps him in another box] SpongeBob!? [starts muffling as SpongeBob takes him to the Krusty Krab; SpongeBob then opens the box]
SpongeBob: Surprise! I figured out you needed a party to help cheer you up! Unfortunately, everybody I tried to invite was busy or sick but don't worry! I used my paper mâché skills to fill the party with your favorite person: me! [camera zooms out to show the Krusty Krab filled with paper mâché SpongeBobs] So what do you think? Happiest memory or what?
Squidward: You don't seem to understand. [starts to get angry] I... don't... WANT... A... HAPPIEST MEMORY!!!!!!!!!! [starts to go crazy and destroys the cake]
SpongeBob:[talking to a paper mâché SpongeBob] So you enjoying the d'oevuers?
Squidward:[rips the paper mâché SpongeBob apart then saws more apart; then crawls to the ceiling and grabs the banner that says "Happy Happiest Memory Squidward" and kicks more of them away] I feel WONDERFUL! [Laughs maniacally and destroys more paper mâché SpongeBobs] This is it, my happiest memory!