Family Guy: Season: 9 Episode: 1

[incomplete & unfixed]

Attention, everyone, mail call!

Meg, Teen People. Chris, Amazing Spiderman.

Lois, Redbook.

World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.

(Laughter, catcalls) Open that one up, buddy.

All right, at ease, at ease.

"Dear Willy, it's been awful lonesome since you've been away."

Hey, you hear that, fellas? She misses me!

(Good-natured ribbing)

Stewie: You're all wet.

Hey, check this out.

We got invited to a party.

"Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor."

What? What are they honoring you for?

Who cares? It says here it's for the whole weekend.

And it's free.

Well, who's the invitation from?

I don't know, it doesn't say.

Wait, you're not gonna go, are you?

It's clearly some kind of scam.

Oh, well, then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel.

Oh, not the kennel.

Last time you left me there for an hour.

Or ten years, I don't know... There's no clock there!

You stink when you come out of there.

(Engine starts)

Family Guy 9x01 And Then There Were Fewer Original Air Date on September 26, 2010

Dad, are we almost there?

Yeah. According to the map, we're pretty close.

(Gasps) Peter, look!

(Waves crashing)

My God, this is absolutely beautiful.

I bet Jeff Probst has a house like this.



What the hell are you guys doing here?

Well, we got an invitation to a dinner in my honor.

I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month.

That's weird. My invitation said it was in my honor.

I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did till I pooped on the "S."

Oh, well. Everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway.

What the...

Derek and Jillian?

Wow! Hi, Brian!

Hey, kiddo.

What... What are you guys doing here?

I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my "honer."

Wait a minute, what the hell's going on here?

Everybody got the same invitation?

Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger, I'll see if they have a freezer, so I can keep it nice.

I'm gonna walk around. I think my v*g1n*'s asleep.

Oh. Hey. Uh...

Didn't think I'd see anyone I knew here.

This, uh, this is Stephanie.

Hi, everybody! Oh, my gosh!

I never thought I'd meet Glenn's friends!

Yeah, I figured, why not?

You know, you... we... You and I see each other from time to time.

Oh, my God, we, like, never see each other! This guy!

You, like, disappear for a month, and then you call me?!

So silly!

You're lucky I like you so much.

Okay, why don't you go ahead and take the bags in.

Wow, it... It looks like the whole town got invited.

(Ice cream truck music plays)

(With thick accent): Mr. Peter.

Mr. Joe.

Mr. Bonnie.

She doesn't know what "Mr." means.

Mr. Mort.

Mr. Muriel.

Mayor West Mr.

Oh, my God, seriously.

If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms.

You are all expected for dinner at 8:00.

Stephanie: Oh, good! I'm starved!

Quagmire: Settle down, will ya?

None of this makes any sense.

Everyone got invitations from an anonymous source for a dinner in their honor, when that's clearly not the case.

Now we're here, where the hell's our host?

Well, at least you all had eveningwear provided for you.

I thought this was going to be a lawn party.

I don't have one pair of long pants.

Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek.

I wonder if she's thinking about me.

I don't know, are you a pony or the color blue?


Derek, look!

Ha, how do you like that?

Have you guys ever seen Jim Henson's Labyrinth?

No. Have you ever seen the Channel Five News?


Uh, Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly.

Channel Five News has file footage of pills being sorted.

Some people think Jennifer Connelly's old now, and that her hands look like two bags of snakes.

I think that's bogus.

I don't think we have much in common.

Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed!

I know, she's growing every day.

Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman.

Of course she does! I performed her very first pelvic exam!

Unless I'm confusing you with someone else.

Nope. That was... That was you.

(Footsteps descending staircase)

Good evening, everyone.

(Gasps) James Woods!


Thank you for joining me at my humble manor.

I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Pricilla.

Nice to meet you all.

Who's he?

James Woods.

Oh, I thought he was a shark.

No, he was a on a show called Shark.

But he's made of wood?

No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood.

Nobody is.

This truly is a night to celebrate, especially for me.

Hey, what's going on here, Woods?

The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor.

That's what mine said, too.

Yeah, me, too!

Mine, too.

Same here!

Stephanie: Where's the food?

Well, actually, this dinner honors all of you.

Where should I begin?

You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian.

Thanks to this beautiful little angel.

She came into my life as if out of nowhere, enchanted me beyond my wildest dreams, and opened my eyes to the cleansing truth of Jesus Christ's love.

No, honey, it was always within you.

I just helped you find it.

Um... What does all this gay stuff have to do with us?

Well, the fact of the matter is, I have wronged each and every one of you in some way.

And, since I am a man of God now, I am truly repentant.

Woods: So, I invited you all here to make amends.

And why the hell should we trust you?

Yeah, you've been terrorizing our family for years.

I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight, and I am prepared to be patient.

Please, won't you just give me a chance?

And I promise you won't be disappointed.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go check on dinner.

Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart.

This is all very strange.

I agree. Something's not right.

I don't know, maybe we should give him a chance.

Maybe he really is born again.

Well, he could be.

It all depends on what his astrological sign is.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

I'm very intuitive with these things.

Maybe if I sit in his chair, I can get a reading on his energy.

I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a rebirth would not be unexpected.

That's enough, Stephanie.

Stephanie: You know, it's like when I did Glenn's star chart...

(All gasp)

Did the... Did the cork hit me?

(All screaming)

My God. She's dead.

She's been shot!

(All gasp)

I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.

Oh, my God. It was him!

It was James Woods! He killed Stephanie!

Jeez, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer!

Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all!

Run! Run for your lives!

Quick! We got to get out of here!

(Thunder cracks)

Come on, get in the car!

(Thunder rumbling)


(Brakes screeching)

Oh, my God, Peter, back it up!

Oh, really, Lois?

I thought I might drive forward.

I thought that... that might be a fun thing to do.

Stop fighting!

(Metal creaking)

Oh, my God! Quick, Peter, get in the back!

(Engine revving, tires squealing)

(Loud thudding)

Oh, thank God. We made it.

Oh! Aah!

Ow! My neck!

You backed into me, and... and now... Oh!

Muriel: And your back!

And my back! My back, yes! Oh!

(Thunder rumbling)

All right, it looks like we're stuck here.

Storm has flooded the causeway, and the bridge is destroyed.

For the moment, there's no way out.

No Way Out. Great film.

Sean Young naked in the limo?

What are we gonna do?

We can't just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house!

All right, does anyone have a cell phone?

I'm not getting any reception!

Me neither!

No bars!

It's all right.

I'll put a message in a bottle.

Now... we wait.

Look, he's got a land line we can use!

Oh, no. You know, I wouldn't feel right about that.

We're guests, and it's long distance.

Doesn't matter.

The line's dead.

(Panicked, overlapping chatter)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right.

Look, everybody but Chris, just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this.

He's right. We just got to stay calm.

With a killer in the house?!

Killer in the house...!

Hey, guys, has anybody seen James?

Sweetheart, you may want to sit down for this.

Who want little tiny tacos?

Ooh, little taco. I'll have one of those.

(All gasping) It's him!

Sorry I took so long.

I was going to the bathroom, and I just couldn't stop looking at my pen1s, 'cause it's, you know, so fantastic.

You're a monster... Yeah, I heard it's fantastic.

You're a monster, James Woods!

You think you can just commit murder and get away with it?!

Quagmire loved that girl!

Quagmire: Easy.


Wha... What are you talking about?

You're going away for a long time, pal.

Jimmy, what does he mean?

Look, I honestly don't know what's going on here.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe that dead pile of cookie dough in the next room will refresh your memory.

What do you mean?

There's nothing in the next room.

(Gasps) It's gone!

Where is she, Woods? What'd you do with the body?

What body?

You know, maybe she wasn't dead.

I'll admit it, I'm... I'm not great with that stuff sometimes.

All right, I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things.

A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies, someone who, you know, would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with.

Right. But a murderer?

I only just found God.

Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven?

If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer.

I didn't kill anybody!

(Thunder rumbling, electrical hiss)

(All gasping)

Peter: Oh my God.

Is this what black people see all the time?

(Stabbing, grunt, thud)

(People screaming)

(Electrical hiss)

(Gasps) Look!


He's dead.

Oh, my God!


Nobody touch the knife!

There could be fingerprints on it.

So James Woods murdered Stephanie, and then he murdered himself.


No, Peter. Don't you see?

He didn't kill himself, and he didn't kill Stephanie.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, James Woods isn't the murderer.

The murderer... is one of us!

(All gasping)

And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet.

(All expressing outrage)

Now I hope I die next.

(Thunder cracks)

Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm.

How are we supposed to stay calm?!

There's a killer in the room!

We all got to get out of here!

We're all gonna die!

Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together!

(China breaking)

Wait a minute. Joe, look!

Oh, my God.

Stephanie was an accident.

That's a way of putting it.

What do you mean, Joe?

This gun was timed to fire directly at that chair, where James Woods would have been sitting.

But he left, and Stephanie was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So whoever the murderer is, they were after James Woods, not Stephanie.

The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead?

Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues.

Oh, my God.

Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts.

Nobody's even looking at you.

That's what I mean.

The fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed.

Peter: Brian, look what I found!

Check it out!

I'm a robot from outer space!

Hang on. I'm coming down.

Go, go, gadget skis!

(Metal clanking)

(China breaking, Joe groans)


All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out, it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation.

I... I don't know if that actually follows.

Oh, it does follow, Brian.

Because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass.

Is my eye big?


Good. Good. That means progress.

All right, let's... Let's figure out what we know here.

The gun was clearly meant to kill James Woods, but Stephanie got in the way.

So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing him.

Now who here had a motive for wanting James Woods dead?

Well, according to James Woods, we all did.

He brought us here to make amends with us.

But he wronged one of us enough to want revenge.

The question is, who?

Well, I know one person who could have.

My partner Tom.

(All gasp)

All right, it's true.

James Woods ruined my career!

I originally wanted to be an actor.

And I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street.

But James Woods said, "No, don't bother.

Something else will come along."

So I turned it down.

And now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town.

That should be me everyone's talking about!

Was I angry? Yes, of course!

But I didn't kill him!

What about Seamus?

You hated James Woods. You told me so!

Aye. He's the one who made me what I am today.


I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain.

But he didn't wish hard enough!

It only worked on me head!

Oh, my God, seriously?

No. Actually, I was a normal guy until one night, we dropped acid together, and he thought I was a steak.

Grilled me, ate me arms and legs.

It was a whole thing. But I'm not the killer!

What about the mayor?

He could have killed him and got himself off scot-free!


He took the Twitter name MayorWest, so now I have to use Mayor_West.

That rat-faced cracker!

But you hated him, too, Dr. Hartman.

Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort.

I didn't kill him! Maybe it was Diane.


James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather.

But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce.

I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning thirty.

But what about the old guy?

I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room.

That's true.

He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines!

Pedal faster!

I can't go any faster!

Where you going, kids?

Hey, I just want to talk to you.

Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies, and then we can go in the back room and play crazy snake. Hee-hee-hee!

And what about Quagmire?

Fine! So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me!

He ruined your TV pilot!

Go to hell! I backed out of that project willingly.

Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says.

You know, Brian...

I'm telling you...

(All yelling angrily at each other)

(All stop yelling)

(All gasp)

Stewie: Eh. My secret room's bigger.

Herbert: Mine's smaller.

All right, stand back.

This could be dangerous.

Peter: Oh, laundry room. Laundry room, everybody.

Oh, see, here we go.

Aha! James Woods made a list of all his misdeeds so he could make amends.

Bonnie, he punched you in the throat, and that's why you sound like that?

No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this.

And Consuela, he...

Actually, I can't read his handwriting here.

What... What happened?

One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew, and my nephew... He only fourteen, and he cry, and then, he shoot himself in the face.

What are all these?

God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here.

All prescribed to James Woods.

And all from Goldman's Pharmacy.

What's that all about, Goldman?

I don't know what you're talking about.

James Woods never bought anything in my pharmacy. Ever.

Peter: Yes, he did.

Says here he talked Muriel into selling him OxyContin for him and his nineteen-year-old girlfriend.

This went on for weeks, but then she started to have misgivings and threatened to cut him off.

But he wouldn't let her.

He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the Feds.

Sounds like a pretty good motive to me.

No! No, it's not true!

I would never kill anybody, never!

And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because...

Why is he wearing shorts?

Oh, my God, I told you!

Muriel, just surrender quietly.

It'll be easier for us all if you...

(Thunder cracking, electrical hiss)

(Meg screams)

(Brief electrical hiss)

(Gasps) She's gone!

We lost her.

Well, as long as there's a murderer on the loose, none of us are safe.

All right, let's split up and search the house.

I'll go with Lois.

Chris, you check the basement with Herbert.

(Spring bounces)

Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.

Uh, no, she... She can't.

Yeah, uh, she can't.

We... we... we were gonna use this time, uh... to figure out what to get you for your birthday.

Ooh, ah, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go.

You guys... Ooh, now I'm excited.

Um, okay, um, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl.

Tom and Diane, you're a team.

Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team.

Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That... That could be funny.

Don't usually see the two of you together.

Uh, Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic.

Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team.

And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela, and Mayor West.

All right. Let's do this.

So, uh...

You guys like to party?

(Gasps) No!

Oh, no.

Oh, my God, what a couple of squares.

Squaresville, I tell ya!

(Thunder rumbling)

What are we supposed to be doing again?

We're looking for Muriel Goldman, honey.



Is anybody up here?


Hey, maybe it was that cat who was the murderer.

Let me ask him.

Meow, meow, meow? Meow-meow-meow-meow?

We don't all talk like that.

I happen to be a professor.

Our apologies, sir.

I should imagine so.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have papers to correct.

Chris, I'm worried, with this killer on the loose.

If I should die, I... I just want you to know that they might find some things.

Strange things.

Things that don't make sense to you.

Um... okay.

And there's gonna be a lot of talk.

Nasty talk.

And I just want you to know, from me, it's all gonna be out of context.

I don't know what that means.

It means, if I die, you got to burn my house down!

(Echoing): Muriel?

Oh, yeah, like she's going to answer you, Tom.

And here we go with the attitude.

This is why you're single.

Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid?

You hear that? You hear that tone you're using?

That's pen1s repellent right there.

Careful. She could be hiding behind any one of these statues.

Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five News.

Perhaps you'd like an autograph.

Oh, for God's sakes. Do you hear yourself?

There it is. (Mimes spraying repellent)

Knock it off!


Hey, wait a minute.

Doesn't feel like there's any wall here.

What do you think's in there?

I don't know. Looks scary.

What do you think, Ollie?

I miss Ollie.

(Sighs) I better take a look.

No. I'll go first.

Do you see anything?

No, it's... It's too dark.

Tom? Tom!

Oh, sweet. A pool table.

Let's see if we can find some cues.

(Thunder crashes, Carl screams)

(Gasps) What is it?!

Whew. It's okay.

It's just the stuffed bear from The Great Outdoors.

Did you see The Great Outdoors?


You suck.

Hey, I found the pool cues!



Looks like I'm all alone.

Well, hey, that's all right.

I watch a lot of movies.

I can just use my imagination.

Hi, Carl.

Hey, bear.

So, um, in the bear world, are, like, pandas your version of interracial children?

Yeah. Pandas aren't something I agree with.

They're cute, though, right?

Just when they're babies.

(Thunder crashes, rain pours)

(Thunder rumbles)

Boy, it's really raining hard.

Yeah, well, we needed it.


Peter, we've been married a long time.

Why do I still get "guy in an elevator" small talk?

I don't know. You're the one talking about the weather.


Looking forward to the weekend?


It's okay. It's just us.

Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us.

Have you seen any sign of Muriel?

Oh, why didn't I think of this before?

I should just check the "Find a Jew" app on my phone.

Huh. There's just two big clusters on each side of the country.

No, look. There's one down south.

Ah, they got him.

(Thunder rumbles)

Okay, um...

(Hums theme to Lost in Space)

Oh, uh, Lost in Space.

Yup, okay. Um...

(Hums theme to Dick Van Dyke Show)

Oh, uh, uh, that's Dick Van Dyke.

Okay, um...

Oh, okay, I... I... I got one, um...

(Hums theme to Dynasty)

I have no idea.

♪ Linda Evans and John Forsythe. ♪ ♪ They're coming down big, long stairs. ♪ ♪ Come on, Brian, you know this. ♪ ♪ We're all rich. ♪ ♪ And we're all at least in our late 50s. ♪ ♪ Think Joan Collins. ♪

(Humming trumpet part)

♪ Come on, Brian, you know this. ♪

(Humming trumpet part)

♪ It's the middle trumpet part. ♪

(Humming trumpet part)

♪ It was a pretty big deal for Diahann Carroll ♪ ♪ to play a rich, black woman in the 80s. ♪

Come on, Bri. Right? Y... You don't know this?

Uh, Falcon Crest?

Oh, it's "Dinasty"!

Oh. Yeah, I... I didn't watch that.

(Woman screams)

(Thunder crashes)

(Screaming) Oh, my God!

(All gasp)

(All gasp)

Oh, my God, Muriel!

My sweet Muriel!

She was so young. She was so beauti...

She was so genero...

Uh, we were married.

Look! This is the same knife that killed James Woods.

Oh, my God!

Then Muriel wasn't the killer.

Well, then, who is?

I don't know, but one thing's for sure.

If we don't find out before this storm lets up, we're all gonna be dead by morning.

(Thunder crashes)

All right, if we're going to make it out alive, we got to stick together from now on.

Is everyone here?

Wait a minute, wait. Where's Meg?

And where's Tom Tucker?

Right here!

Oh, my God! What happened?

I fell through a trapdoor that led to an underground passageway.

So I followed it, and it led me to a hatch over there in the parlor.

The same thing happened to me.

But with a moustache.

Hey, Peter, look at this.

I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone.


Oh, my God, is that...

Are you holding up the whole Hollywood sign?

(Chuckling): No, no, no, no.

The sign was way in the background.

I was standing in the foreground going like this when Jillian took the picture, so by forced perspective, it looks like I'm holding up the whole sign.

I don't believe you. I think you are a God.

And I will die for you or kill others.

Damn it. The signal's gone.

If I can get up to the roof or something, maybe I can get a stronger signal and call the police.

Okay. And I will skin this dog in your honor.

Please don't.

As you wish.

Do you really think it could work, Derek?

There's only one way to find out.

I'll be back.

All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back.

Wait a minute.

Something's not right here.

We're short one v*g1n* in this room.

Oh, my God!

Priscilla's gone!

(Thunder crashes)

(All gasp)

Th... That's impossible.

She was still passed out on the couch when we left.


What the hell happened?

Joe! You're okay!

Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on?

What's going on is, Priscilla's the murderer!

Wait a second. We don't know that.

Well, she was by herself this whole time!

Yes, but she was unconscious!

She could've come to and killed Muriel!

This is all speculation! We don't know she's the killer!

Yeah, besides, she's hot!

Hot chicks are never crazy!

Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign.

(Shouting at each other, arguing frantically)

Peter: He did, too! I saw the picture!

(Thunder crashes)

(Waves crashing)

Come on.


(Keys beeping)


What are you doing up here?

Wait a minute.

What the hell is this?

Oh, my God! It's you!

The man or woman who's been killing everybody!

Stay back. Stay back.

(Bone crunches)


It came from over there!

(All gasp)

Dear God!

He's dead.

Do you think he slipped off the roof?

Maybe. But he was dead before the fall.

Look at this... He's been hit on the head by a blunt object.

Oh, my God, no, Derek!

(Squeaky sobbing) Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry.

Peter: Hey, can you grab his phone?

I want to prove something to these guys.

(Thunder crashing)

(Wind whistling)

I... I... It's Priscilla.

I... I mean, it's got to be Priscilla.

She's the only one who's not here.

Look, maybe, maybe not.

We thought Muriel was the killer, and look how that turned out.

We have no proof of anything.

Is this the latest you've ever stayed up?

It's the latest I've ever stayed up.

Oh, no! Someone take Mr. Woods' Golden Globe!

She's right! There was a Golden Globe award here, and it's gone.

I think we may have identified our blunt object.

So all we have to do is find that Golden Globe and we'll have our murder weapon... And if we're lucky, it may just mean we'll have our killer.

All right, from this moment forward, nobody leaves the group.

Joe's right. Everyone huddle up.

Good. Now, we're gonna search the house, and we're gonna move as one.

Anyone who separates from the group we will assume to be the killer.

All clear?

Others: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

Let's do this!

Oh, boy, we got a problem here.

All right, on the count of three.

One, two... three!

Thanks, guys.

(Peter humming "Hava Nagila")

Stop it, Peter. (Continues humming)

Peter, knock it off!

Okay, Jew. Joe.

Shut up! I'm not Jewish!

Well! I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.

All right, we got to search every one of these rooms.

We'll start with Quagmire's.

Oh, my God!

Are those Stephanie's underpants?

Oh, God.

They're huge!

Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth.

(Laughs) Look, it's got flowers!

I mean, why bother?

Who's gonna see 'em?

Maybe someone in space.

(Raucous laughter)

Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

Whose room is this?

It's, uh, my room.

You travel with a giant poster of yourself?

Yes. It helps me get to sleep, knowing that Big Tom Tucker is keeping a watchful eye out for nocturnal intruders.

What a ridiculous man you are.

Look, I didn't know my room was gonna be scrutinized.

I... If you don't like it, let's get out of here.

Not till we've searched the place.


You guys?

(Thunder crashing)

(All gasp)

Oh, my God!

Well, well, I think we've found our killer.

Oh, now, now, wait a minute, that's not mine!

I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself.

Well, maybe it did.

I didn't murder anybody.

Tell it to Mike Judge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, this is crazy, Wh... What about Priscilla?

We have no idea where she is.

She could've planted that there.

Well, uh...

I suppose it's possible.

What the hell?

Aw, dang it, I got a nosebleed.

No, you don't.

Peter, give me a boost.


(All scream)

You're going to jail, Tucker.

Like hell I am! You're not taking me anywhere, you podunk, Quahog redneck cop!

Not you or anyone else in this damn town!

I'm not going to jail!

After him!

Give it up, Tucker!

Make me, Swanson!

(All panting)

Damn, he's slippery.

(Panting) You guys give up?

What do we do?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys!

I got an idea.


What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles.

Damn, that's awfully risky.

It sure is, but at this point I'm willing to try anything.

All right. Let's do it!


Peter: It worked!

(Grunting) Let me go!

Let me go, you bastards!

You're all gonna pay for this!

(Grunting, punch lands)

Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrian Brody plays you.

I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.


(Laughter dies down) Okay. All right.

(birds chirping)

Thanks a lot for your help, boys.

You know, despite all the craziness this weekend, I feel like a lot of people were looking at me like I was really attractive.

Which makes me think that I'm gonna grow up to be good-looking.

What part of that statement is supposed to lure me into a conversation?

I talk to you about wet tennis balls.

Oh, come on!

We're in a fight!

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath... L... Lois?

Lois? Lois?

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom?

No, I put 'em all in your bag.

Okay, well, I don't see the fire engine, but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we?

I'll see you in the car.

Hi, Diane.

Oh, hi, Lois.

How you doing?

I just thought I'd make sure you were okay.

Oh, I'm managing.

It's just... so hard to believe you can work with someone for fifteen years and yet have no idea who they really are or what they're capable of.

Oh, I know.

And I'm sorry.

So, what happens now?

Will you just anchor the news by yourself?

I suppose, for the time being.

Well, that's kind of exciting, right?

(Chuckles) You sound like my mother.

She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast.

I guess that's sweet, huh?

She... uh...

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

What do you mean?

I mean, how could she have known you'd be anchoring alone?

I mean, none of this happened until...

(Soft gasp)

Gosh, I, uh, you know, I think I'd better, uh... go make sure Peter has his, uh... fire engine.

Oh, really?

But I was enjoying our talk.

Oh, no, I... So was I, but, you know, I've, really, I should... I should go.

No. I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it was you.

You're the killer!

Very clever, Lois.

You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me.

You would've lived longer.

God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women?

But, Diane, why?

How could you do all these horrible things?

Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.

We both valued our privacy, however, so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media.

Everything in my life was wonderful.

But then a few months ago, I turned fourty.

Others: Surprise!

It was hard for me to begin with, but it got worse when, not so coincidentally, Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face, and he succeeded.

Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air.

Well, apparently, all men think the same way, because around the same time, James dumped me.

I watched my career and my love life crumble, and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it.

That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla.

She was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side.

So I seized the moment.

I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line.

I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted.

At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian, and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged.

That's how this weekend came to pass.

Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions, but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless.

There's no way she could have known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker, thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life.

Oh, my God... you're fourty?

Yes. I'm fourty.

But then why did you kill the others?

It was all supposed to go so smoothly.

The hidden gun goes off, kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity, I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag.

James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison... Nice and easy.

But Stephanie got in the way.

She was in James' chair at the wrong time.

And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise.

The power outage provided a perfect cover.

I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him.

But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints.

I couldn't just leave it there.

So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery, I went back into the dining room and got the knife.

But at that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting.

She started to become hysterical.

I knew I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering... so I killed her.

And I hid her in Tom's room.

I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase, but at that moment, Muriel walked in, caught me in the act.

It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die.

I stabbed her, and she screamed.

I had to leave the knife in her, because I couldn't very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.

So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran.

I slipped in with the rest of the group, when they all converged on the scene.

I needed more time to finish my work framing Tom.

But that's when Derek went out to the balcony.

I couldn't let him contact the police before everything was in the place.

So I had to kill him, too.

When Peter was yelling at everyone about that picture of Derek holding up the Hollywood sign, I grabbed the Golden Globe and slipped out.

I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do.

I barely had enough time to plant the Golden Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs, where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside.

And the rest...

Well, you did all the rest for me.

You turned on Tom exactly as I planned.

So there it is, Lois.

My God.

But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for...

What happened to Stephanie's body?

Actually, that's the one thing I don't know.

Damn it!

Well, now you know everything, Lois.

Which, of course, means I have to kill you.

Lois, are you coming?

I can't play my tapes without the key.

Well, actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois?

We've been getting better acquainted.

All right, well, just give me the key, please.

All right, Peter, I'll get it.

Don't put a gun in my back.

I'm not, I'm just asking for the key. Give me the key.

Lois: Peter, we've been married twenty years.

Please recognize when I'm acting out of the ordinary because I'm in danger.

Here you go. Here's the key, Pete.

Peter: Why is she calling me Pete?

We been married fourteen years. She never called me Pete.

Why am I trying to figure this out when I could be listening to my tapes in the car?


Shall we?

Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois, but look on the bright side: You'll be a story on the 6:00 news.

You know, unless a local cat does something funny.

Diane, please, please, don't do this!

I won't tell anybody, I swear to God!

That's right. You won't.

Good-bye, Lois.




Lois: Hello?

Is anyone there?

Whoever you are... Thank you!

If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.