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The Super Hero Squad Show
And Lo... a Pilot Shall Come!
Season
1
Episode
1
Overall
26
Air Date
2009-09-14
Previous episode
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This Silver, This Surfer!

[In Super Hero City, outside wall]

Mayor: My friends, Doctor Doom is only a few miles away, but this great wall will keep his villainous Lethal Legion out of Super Hero City for good. And maybe bring in some tourism dollars.

[Explosion on other side of wall]

Mayor: What do I know?

[Wall shudders]

Iron Man: Sounds like Doom's already testing the wall out. I'm calling in my crew.

Ms. Marvel: Iron Man, please. I've stationed Cyclops, Beast, and a dozen S.H.I.E.L.D. agents up at the north end. [To crowd] Remain calm, citizens. Did you hear me? Remain calm! S.H.I.E.L.D. has the situation under control.

Mayor: As Mayor of Super Hero City, I now declare this impenetrable, defensive wall open. [Tries cutting ribbon]

[Crowd runs away]

Iron Man: As I was saying, I'm getting the Super Hero Squad. [Flies away]

[Megataur busts down wall, but trips on ribbon and falls next to Mayor]

Mayor: Why me?

[On S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier]

[Iron Man activates alarms]

[In kitchen]

Thor: To me, Mjolnir.

[Thor and Hulk exit kitchen]

[Wolverine, Silver Surfer, Falcon, Redwing, Hulk and Thor enter command deck]

Thor: What dread foe doth vex the mighty Super Hero Squad?

Falcon: Whatever it is, it's big. [Looks at monitors of Megataur, Tricephalous, and Manoo attacking]

Iron Man: Oh, you have no idea.

[Ms. Marvel flies up and blasts Megataur]

Ms. Marvel: Iron Man, these giant critters could plow the whole blamed city under.

Hulk: Critters not giant. Only yay big.

Falcon: Hulk, trust me.

Captain America: [Directing panicked citizens on streets] S.H.I.E.L.D. shelter is this way. Quickly and calmly, people. Hup hup--

[Citizen runs into Captain America]

Iron Man: The Stark-U-Tron 3000. It calculates thousands of variables.

Hulk: Hulk don't understand.

Thor: So say we all.

[Iron Man brings out device]

Silver Surfer: Iron Man chooses from billions of combinations of our abilities to select the best team with which to stop these creatures. That is so cosmic.

Iron Man: We need every bit of my tech factor, Hulk's strength factor, Thor's elemental factor, Falcon's speed factor, the Surfer's energy factor, and Wolverine's animal factor.

Wolverine: I coulda told you that, bub. Giant monsters, everybody plays.

Hulk: Not giant. Yay big.

Falcon: Puny.

Captain America: Negative, Hulk. That's Megataur, Tricephalous, and Manoo on the move. Three of Mole Man's creatures.

Falcon: It's no surprise. He's working for Doc Doom.

Captain America: Almost every supervillain is. Ever since the Infinity Sword shattered in that air battle between Doctor Doom and Iron Man, and the pieces fell on the city.

Wolverine: Yeah. Now any of Doom's bums grabs hold of one of those Fractals, he gets a chunk of the Sword's cosmic power.

Iron Man: So, we grab the Fractals first, before Doom rebuilds the Infinity Sword and takes over the universe, yadda yadda yadda. Right now we've got monsters.

Captain America: Roger that. Good luck, Squaddies.

Iron Man: Super Hero Squad, unless Ms. M's packing a thirty foot bullfighter's cape, it's time to hero up!

[Super Hero Squad heads out of S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier]

Wolverine: [Jumps on Hulk's shoulders] I'm with you, big man. Follow them.

[Hulk runs through wall]

Wolverine: [Sighs] Through the door.

Falcon: [Chuckles] Look down there, Hulk.

Hulk: Monsters not puny. [Laughs] Now only bird puny.

Falcon: Hey! I'm 5'11, okay? Cap always told me it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Wolverine: I hear ya. Lot more to a scrap than who's the biggest and strongest.

Hulk: Who say!?

Wolverine: I do-- Whoa!

[Hulk throws Wolverine towards ground]

[Silver Surfer catches Wolverine before he lands]

Wolverine: Always all about you.

[In Doombase]

[Mole Man approaches Doctor Doom]

Doctor Doom: There they go! Iron Man and his so-called "heroes". Stark dare to challenge Doom over the Infinity Sword, and now he pays dearly. Oh, Mole Man, you serve me well. These monsters of yours could flatten the city.

Mole Man: Believe me, Doctor Doom. Tricephalous, Megataur and Manoo have enough power and more. [Burps] Excuse me.

Doctor Doom: As long as the cursed Super Hero Squad is distracted. My true plan lies elsewhere, I--

[Mole Man farts]

[Doctor Doom screams]

Mole Man: When I'm on the surface, I tend to depressurize.

[Doctor Doom grabs Mole Man up]

Doctor Doom: Well, then return underground and retrieve the Fractal you have discovered! [Throws Mole Man to ground]

Mole Man: It must be a very powerful Fractal indeed to have driven itself so deep into the ground. With my creatures on the loose, I can excavate in peace.

Doctor Doom: I will gather these wayward shards of the Infinity Sword, then Doom will prevail, and you will be amply rewarded, even more so if my enemies are destroyed.

Mole Man: You are too generous, Doom. [Walks away] [Farts]

Doctor Doom: Abomination! Open a window.

[Monsters continue to attack Super Hero City]

[Iron Man and Thor save civilians from Manoo]

Iron Man: We'll clear the area before we throw down with Moogie-Zilla.

[Ms. Marvel puts down shelter]

[Falcon and Silver Surfer fly around Tricephalous]

Falcon: Ladies and gentlemen, time to play that great new game that nobody likes, "Confuse a Creature".

Silver Surfer: Whoa! The creature does not seem confused.

Wolverine: Even this thing's not dumb enough to let us braid its necks. [Jumps on top of Tricephalous]

Iron Man: Look out!

[One of Tricephalous' heads eats Wolverine]

Wolverine: Hey! No rubber-neckin'.

[Tricephalous throws Wolverine into air]

Wolverine: Take 'im, Surfer!

[Falcon catches Wolverine as Silver Surfer attacks Tricephalous]

Falcon: Good work, team.

[Hulk is thrown into building]

[Megataur sucks Hulk into nose]

Ms. Marvel: [Flies up to building] Okay, take him ou-- Hulk? Hulk, where'd you go?

[Megataur picks Hulk out of its nose]

Ms. Marvel: You better not eat that!

[Megataur throws Hulk away]

Hulk: Bull strong, Hulk is stronger! [Licks snot and gags]

[Storm flies up to attack Tricephalous]

Storm: Stay clear!

Falcon: Storm?

Wolverine: Where have you been, darlin'?

[Storm calls lightning to attack Tricephalous]

[Tricephalous flicks Storm away with tail]

Thor: [Sees Storm fall into building] Ooh. Oucheth. [Thor swings Mjolnir to suck in Manoo] Foul creature! Thou flesh-dissolving protoplasm.

Iron Man: You don't have to call me names. Hey, Thor, I'm picking up some funky subterranean heat readings deep in the Earth. Mole Man's got something big moving around down there.

Thor: A Fractal impacted deep in the Earth? 'Twould fall to Mole Man to retrieve it.

Iron Man: And we all know that an impacted Fractal can be painful.

Thor: Uh-- [Looks at Mjolnir, still twirling with Manoo]

Iron Man: Back soon. [Flies away]

[Ms. Marvel and Hulk attack Megataur]

[Iron Man flies down]

Iron Man: Ms. M, I'm taking a crew underground.

Ms. Marvel: Now!?

Iron Man: We can beat 'em with my trusty Stark-U-Tron 3000.

[Hulk grabs Stark-U-Tron 3000 and runs towards Megataur]

Iron Man: Hulk! Hulk, give me that. [Grabs Stark-U-Tron 3000]

Storm: Now that everybody's evacuated to shelters, we've got a chance.

Falcon: [Points to Tricephalous] And here comes head case. Get ready.

Iron Man: [Flies by and grabs Wolverine] Falcon, you're with me and Wolvie.

Wolverine: Don't call me Wolvie!

[Falcon flies after Iron Man]

[In Stark Tower]

Iron Man: Welcome to Lava Lab 2.

Falcon: Lava? As in lamp?

Iron Man: As in lava. It's a probe I built to explore under the Earth's crust.

[Falcon, Wolverine and Iron Man enter probe]

Wolverine: [Sniffs] Sulfur. We're taking the fight to the Mole Man.

Iron Man: Exactly. Time to play Whack-a-Mole.

[Probe drills under Earth]

Wolverine: Are we there yet? This tin can's a little cozy.

Iron Man: It's cozier outside.

Falcon: [Telepathically speaking to Redwing] Redwing, buddy. Give me a fly-by of the city. And no decorating the statues downtown.

[Redwing flies out of S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier]

Falcon: Watch the blade, watch the blade!

[Redwing flies into blades of S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier]

[Hulk grabs bus and shakes someone out]

Hulk: Dumb man doesn't hide. [Uses bus to attack Megataur]

Ms. Marvel: That did it, Hulk.

[Hulk punches Megataur in face]

[Manoo surrounds Silver Surfer, who blasts him down]

[Storm and Thor attack Tricephalous with lightning]

[Tricephalous tries breathing fire at Storm, who blows it back]

Thor: Storm!

[Storm tackles Thor away from fire]

[Fires hit Redwing]

Falcon: Ouch. Enough recon. Go on home, Redwing.

[Redwing flies back to S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier]

Storm: Worry about the citizens in those S.H.I.E.L.D. shelters.

[Thor attacks Tricephalous]

Falcon: We're holding our own top-side, but there's no sign of the fight slowing down. We need to find the Fractal.

Iron Man: They're usually impossible to detect, except this one went deep into the rock.

Wolverine: Musta left a bore-hole for us to follow.

Iron Man: Sonar, heat scans and flatulence detectors all point to Mole Man, and he's been using heavy equipment to get to it. I can bring us to within, oh, 50 yards or so.

Wolverine: When?

Iron Man: Now.

[Probe stops and opens up]

[Super Hero Squad walks out]

Mole Man: [To Moloids] Back. Back. I'll take it from here. [Strikes staff to break down wall, revealing Infinity Fractal]

Iron Man: And there it is.

Wolverine: I got this. Let's do this, stinky.

Mole Man: Not so fast. [Tries attacking Wolverine, who grabs his staff and spins him away]

Wolverine: Spin-a-Mole.

[Moloids attack Iron Man and Falcon]

Wolverine: You're not good enough.

Mole Man: Why do people always underestimate me?

[Wolverine slices away Mole Man's staff and kicks him away]

[Iron Man and Falcon break free from Moloids and approach Infinity Fractal]

[Iron Man brings out device to contain Infinity Fractal]

Wolverine: This is one Fractal Doom doesn't get.

Mole Man: [Laughs] Doom? [Throws dirt in Wolverine's face and runs towards Iron Man, grabbing Infinity Fractal] To the abyss with Doom. I'm keeping the Fractal. [Reforms staff and puts Infinity Fractal on top] It's working. Speed boost. Perfect. [Runs circles around Super Hero Squad]

[Wolverine tries attacking Mole Man, who dodges]

Wolverine: Hold still!

[Mole Man kicks Wolverine away]

Mole Man: And I sense another change. My pets no longer respond to my voice.

[Fin Fang Foom grabs Iron Man]

Mole Man: I now have direct mind control over them. Meet my excavation crew. The most feared creature above or below ground, Fin Fang Foom.

[Fin Fang Foom roars]

Iron Man: When I said heavy equipment, I was really low-balling it.

Mole Man: Now, to the surface. There, I will personally manipulate my monsters into destroying Super Hero City, and taking over the Lethal Legion.

Falcon: You want to be Doc Doom? Ew.

Mole Man: Dude, have you seen his stuff? I mean, he has a Quantum Tunneling Popcorn Popper. Delicious popcorn 2 seconds before you switch it on.

Iron Man: You know, that is pretty cool. [Gets knocked around by Fin Fang Foom]

Mole Man: I'll have the Lethal Legion, find all the Fractals, forge a new Infinity Sword, and with the Sword, I'll rule the surface world. Me, not Doom! [Kicks Falcon away] But first, I'll leave Fin Fang Foom with a little thought. [Telepathically to Fin Fang Foom] You are very hungry. [Runs away]

[Iron Man breaks free of Fin Fang Foom and grabs Falcon and Wolverine]

[Iron Man flies into probe and activates it, sending it back to the surface]

Falcon: Guys, I'm gonna make this right. Molay-Free-Holay shouldn't have gotten that Fractal from us.

Wolverine: I was there too, you know.

Iron Man: Oh, please. No blaming yourselves. Lava Lab 2 doesn't stock any barf bags.

[Iron Man presses button to send probe back to the surface quickly]

Falcon: Seems to me like Lava Lab 2 is no improvement over Lava Lab 1.

Iron Man: A little bit. Lava Lab 1 melted. Luckily, we worked that bug out.

[Super Hero Squad continues fighting monsters]

Ms. Marvel: Hold him there, Hulk!

Hulk: Hulk not hold. Hulk throw! [Throws Megataur to ground onto Manoo]

[Thor and Storm lead Tricephalous to fall onto pile]

Silver Surfer: Ouch. Is that what humans mean by "pain in the neck"? At last, we have the upper hand.

[Mole Man appears on surface]

Ms. Marvel: Mole Man!

Thor: Look you well. He hath been made anew by yon Infinity Fractal.

[Mole Man picks monsters back up]

Ms. Marvel: Hulk, get those shelters away from Manoo, before he dissolves them.

[Hulk stares at Ms. Marvel]

Ms. Marvel: Goo hurt friends.

[Hulk jumps after shelters]

Hulk: No. [Throws shelters away]

[Tricephalous knocks Silver Surfer into dumpster]

Mole Man: They are all my puppets! [Laughs] It's too easy! Happy happy happy happy. [Jumps up and down excitment]

[Monsters overwhelm Super Hero Squad]

Mole Man: Crush, destroy. Crush, destroy. Such a treat for this fanboy.

[Probe breaks surface]

Mole Man: The city is mine!

Falcon: Whew. Getting his powers fluxed did not improve Moley's sunny personality.

Iron Man: Or his sense of rhythm.

Wolverine: Hey, guys? We've got another problem!

[Fin Fang Foom comes onto surface and smashes probe]

[Moloids crawl out of hole onto surface]

[Thor uses lightning to make Moloids drop back down underground]

Mole Man: You can't win, because I have the Fractal, and I have the monsters, and I have the hostages.

[Fin Fang Foom and Megataur juggle shelters]

Falcon: Whoa! There's people in those shelters. And if Moley juggles as bad as he dances... [Flies away]

[Falcon enters S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier command deck, then sits at control panel]

Ms. Marvel: [Through screen] You are not cleared to move the Helicarrier.

Falcon: Hold on, Ms. M. The Squad doesn't work for you, you're not my boss, just my landlady.

Ms. Marvel: Really? Well...

Iron Man: Falc, what are you doing? Get back in the fight!

Falcon: Sorry, Tony. I'm not the biggest and the strongest, but I'm the one who can end this now. [Hits Helicarrier on building] My bad. [Drives Helicarrier into Fin Fang Foom, who falls on Mole Man]

[Fin Fang Foom farts]

Mole Man: That wasn't me.

Wolverine: Nice one, Falc!

Iron Man: Yeah, way to go, Falcon!

Thor: Huzzah!

Storm: Nice job, Falc.

Hulk: Bird friend.

[Mole Man drops staff]

[Silver Surfer puts Infinity Fractal into container]

Iron Man: Regroup, Squaddies. That breaks Mole Man's control, but we still have 4 monsters in the city, and they're hungry.

Thor: Hungry, you say? Lo, a plan doth spring to mind. Storm, Thor has need of thy aid.

[Thor and Storm fly towards grocery store]

Storm: A grocery? Oh, well done, Thor.

[Thor and Storm use lightning to cook meat]

Thor: Nay, not well done, but medium rare.

[Storm throws food down hole]

[Monsters jump into hole]

[Iron Man flies up to Mole Man and lifts him up]

Iron Man: Come on, Lord of the Dunce. [Drops Mole Man near hole]

Mole Man: My... my monsters.

Iron Man: They're probably a little busy wrecking your underground headquarters.

[Roars in distance]

[Thor covers hole with piece of rock]

Iron Man: Come on, Guacamole-Man. We're taking you and your Fractal right to the Vault.

[Later, at the Vault]

[Iron Man hands Captain America Infinity Fractal]

Captain America: One less Fractal, one less maniac to worry about.

[Doctor Doom teleports in]

Doctor Doom: Fools! You have none to worry about but Doom.

[Doctor Doom and Mole Man teleport]

Doctor Doom: [Appears on screen] He will be dealt with. And one day, I will come for the Infinity Fractal as well. Doom has spoken. [Turns off screen]

Iron Man: And is Doom done now? Good. Anyway...

Ms. Marvel: [To Captain America on comms] Send me Falcon!

Captain America: Falcon, Ms. Marvel's waiting for you back at the Helicarrier. Hup hup hup! To the Helicarrier! Hup hup hup!

Falcon: [Laughs nervously] Uh oh.

[On Helicarrier]

Ms. Marvel: I've got half a mind to take S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Helicarrier away from you loose cannons.

Falcon: See, Thor, you said we should have called no take-backs.

Ms. Marvel: This is a billion dollar sky base, Falcon! [Punches wall, creating hole] Ooh, dang.

Hulk: Leave bird alone, yellow hair! Bird is smart, bird hit monsters with boat!

Ms. Marvel: You big, green-- [Turns to Iron Man] You're in charge here, Tony. Tell me why I should let this continue.

Iron Man: Look, Ms., can I call you Ms.? We're up here to get to the Fractals before Doom, and we did it. Now, go do your job and let us hammer out the dents.

Ms. Marvel: I'm watching you hotdogs. Don't forget it. Get out of my way. [Flies away]

Iron Man: Bye, mom. [Laughs] Whatever works, Falcon.

Falcon: It's funny. All your data-factoring never took into account what could be accomplished by one committed person, acting completely insane.

Iron Man: Actually, the Stark-U-Tron 3000 predicted you would.

Falcon: Right, right, but didn't your machine also say that "Hulk is yellow hair's boyfriend"?

Hulk: Dumb machine says that? [Grabs Stark-U-Tron 3000]

Iron Man: Hulk, no!

Hulk: Dumb machine lies! [Smashes Stark-U-Tron 3000 through Helicarrier]

Iron Man: Look out!

[Stark-U-Tron 3000 hits Abomination in the head]