FANDOM


East Great Falls High


                               by
                           Adam Herz






                                             WHITE REVISION: 7/7/98




    NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS
    AND SOME "SCENE OMITTED" SLUGS. THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR
    THIS SOFT COPY.



    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded
    shirts...pants...socks...and hear
                        PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
              Oooh, yeah.  Oh, baby, you're so good.
                        JIM (O.S.)
              Yeah, I'm the best, baby.
    Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear.  Or, more
    appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in
    and out.  Bars scroll across it.  And we get occasional
    glimpses of what looks like --
                        JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)
              ...oh -- that was a tit, tits...
    As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
    possible to watch the pay channels while they're
    scrambled.  You just need a decent imagination to fill in
    the rest of the picture.  We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,
    short, horny.
                        PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
              Give it to me!  Yes!
                        JIM
              Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.
    Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.
    We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next
    to Jim on his bed.  "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy
    model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"
    section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the
    "Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.
                        PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
              Don't you love my sexy body?!
                        JIM
              I do, baby, I do.
    He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off
    the floor.
                        PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
              You're so big!
                        JIM
              Yeah, that's right.
                        PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
                  (deep macho voice)
              Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!
    Jim is thrown off.
                        PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)
              Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!
                        JIM
              Man, shut up!
    Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after
    which JIM'S MOM enters.  Jim scrambles and quickly covers
    himself and the dictionary with a pillow.  She's
    oblivious to his doings.
                        JIM'S MOM
              Hey, Jimmy.  I just wanted to say
              sweet dreams.
                        JIM
              Yep, okay Mom, 'night.
                        JIM'S MOM
                  (leans in to Jim)
              Kiss goodnight.
    Jim is revolted.  Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.
    She turns to leave, and notices the TV.
                        JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)
              Is something wrong with the reception?
                        JIM
              Yeah.  Damn cable.  There's this
              nature show that I'm trying to watch.
                        PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
              Fuck me!  Yes!
                        JIM
              Uh...
    He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
    but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.
                        PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
              BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!
    Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.
                        JIM
                  (choking)
              Must...be...broken...
    JIM'S DAD enters.
                        JIM'S DAD
              What the heck is this?
                        JIM
              Nothing!
                        JIM'S MOM
              I think he's trying to watch one of
              the illegal channels.
                        JIM
              Jesus, Mom!  They're not illegal!
              They're pay channels.  How could a
              television channel be illegal?!  God,
              get a clue!
                        JIM'S DAD
              James, don't speak that way to your
              mother!
                        PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
              Play with my hairy balls!
                        JIM'S DAD
              Turn that garbage off!  Give me that!
    Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the
    pillow that's been covering Jim.  The pillow gets brushed
    aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his
    shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.
                        JIM'S MOM
              Oh my God!
                        JIM'S DAD
              Honey, why don't you let me handle this
              one.
    He ushers her out.  Jim's Dad is stuck there with his
    half-naked son.  Horrible, awful embarrassment.  A long,
    strained beat.
                        JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
              Jesus Christ.  The dictionary?  Hell,
              son, I'll buy you some dirty
              magazines.
    Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head.  Jim sits agape,
    humiliated.
                        PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
              Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY
    We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:
    "Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place
    To Be"
    EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY
    The front of the school.  KEVIN drives up in his Accord.
    He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school
    senior.  VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.
    She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big
    "Vanderbilt" return address on it.
                        KEVIN
              It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
              You got in.
                        VICKY
              You think so?
    She tears it open.  Pulls out a course catalog, various
    forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.
                        KEVIN
              "Dear Ms. Hughes.  We're sorry, but
              after keeping you on the wait list for
              the past couple months, we've decided
              you are now rejected.  Enclosed is a
              100-page, full-color brochure on how
              rejected you are."
                        VICKY
              Kevin, this is serious!
                        KEVIN
              You got in.
    Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles
    concert.  Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and
    hug.
                        VICKY
              I love you!
    She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,
    almost perfunctorily returning the hug.
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING
    Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky
    senior with a football-player build.  He cradles a ball
    in a lacrosse stick.
                        OZ
              Illegal channels?  Shit, if there's
              any channel that should be illegal,
              it's whatever that women's channel is.
              Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some
              shit.
                        JIM
              Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little
              Mermaid on TV the other night?  That
              Ariel, whew.
                        OZ
              She's a mermaid, dude.
                        JIM
                  (trumping him)
              Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.
                        OZ
              She's a cartoon, dude.
                        JIM
              A hot cartoon.
                        OZ
              Is there anything you don't jerk off
              to?
                        JIM
              C-Span?
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY
    Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall.  Oz
    bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it
    again.  Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.
                        KEVIN
              Then she said -- she loves me.
                        OZ
              Oh shit dude, the L-word!
                        JIM
              And you said...
                        KEVIN
              Nothing, I just hugged her back.
                        JIM
              You think she was serious?
                        KEVIN
              I couldn't tell -- She could've meant
              like, "I love you grandma" or "I love
              you Vanderbilt."
                        OZ
              Just don't bring it up, hang low,
              maybe she won't mention it again.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
    The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of
    which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.
                        MICHELLE
              And what we should do today, in band?
              Instead of playing our instruments
              regularly?  We should play them
              backwards!  That'll be so funny!
    The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting
    to play their instruments from the wrong end.  The guys
    shudder.
                        OZ
                  (to Jim)
              You guys got the Latin homework?
                        JIM
              No -- Kevin, you?
                        KEVIN
                  (offended)
              Please.
                  (then)
              We're all golden, we're college bound.
              I figured it out -- I can get a c-
              minus in every class, and it's not
              gonna make a difference.  U of M, here
              I come.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY
    Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting
    a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.
                        VICKY
              Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.
                        JESSICA
              Yeah right.
                        VICKY
              What?  We both have cars.
                        JESSICA
              Yeah but, no offense, you're talking
              about a post-high school, long-
              distance relationship, and you and
              Kevin haven't even done it yet.
                        VICKY
              That's not why we're going out.
                        JESSICA
              What the hell are you expecting him to
              drive to Vanderbilt for?  Milk and
              cookies?
                        VICKY
              Jessica!  He'll drive there for me,
              and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
              We're going to have sex when he's
              ready and I'm ready.  It's got to be
              completely perfect.  I want the right
              place, the right time, the right
              moment.
                        JESSICA
              Vicky, it's not a space shuttle
              launch, it's sex.  So did you do the
              physics write-up?
                        VICKY
                  (offended, a la Kevin)
              Please.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
    Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.
    PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.
                        JIM
              There's our man.
                        KEVIN
              Finch, you got the Latin homework?
                        FINCH
              Non habeo.  Canis meus id comedit.
    The guys keep staring.  A beat.
                        KEVIN
              Whatever.
    Someone is HOLLERING down the hall.  Running towards Oz
    is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a
    maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz.  Not really part
    of the group.
                        STIFLER
                  (yelling)
              NOVA!!
                        OZ
              Stifler!!
    Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear
    hug.
                        STIFLER
              You coming to party tonight,
              Ostreicher, ya fuckface?
                        OZ
              Depends if my date wants to stop by.
                        STIFLER
              That junior chick?
                        OZ
              Nah, gave her the Heisman.  I'm
              working on something new.
                        STIFLER
              Yeah right.  I got an idea for
              something new.  How 'bout you guys
              actually locate your dicks, remove the
              shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.
                        OZ
              Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a
              college chick!
                        STIFLER
              Bullshit.  From where?
                        OZ
              She works part-time at my dad's store.
                        STIFLER
              Hah!  Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like
              your dad works at her store.
                        OZ
              Dude, he does not.
                        KEVIN
              Really, Stifler.  He's the manager.
    Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.
                        STIFLER
              Hey, man, I'm not making fun.  I'm
              fuckin' impressed.  I mean, "Footlong
              or six-inch, white or wheat," that's
              some serious shit to master.
    Oz musters a little LAUGH.
                        KEVIN
                  (half-joking)
              Stifler, you're such an asshole.
                        STIFLER
              Meyers, what's the deal with you and
              Vicky, anyway?  You've been going out
              since Homecoming and all she'll do is
              blow you?  Shit, I'd drop her like a
              steaming turd.
                        FINCH
              Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
              stool?
                        STIFLER
                  (momentarily puzzled)
              I do when I'm throwing them at your
              mom, you damn freak.
                  (then)
              Alright then, see you guys tonight.
              I'll look for you in the No Fucking
              section.
    The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
    comeback.  Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks
    off.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Kevin is on the phone.  Hanging near his closet is a
    tuxedo.  INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on
    his cell phone, traveling down a California road.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              You called me to ask me how to get laid?
                        KEVIN
              What was I gonna do, call dad?  I
              don't even know his number.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              Just dial 976-Asshole.
                        KEVIN
              Yeah, well anyway...I thought you
              might have some advice, brother to
              brother.  I mean, I think tonight she
              might, we might really, there's a
              chance that -- you know.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              Have you ever heard of the bible?
                        KEVIN
              What?  Not the Bible?
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              Well, that's not really the name, but
              we always called it that.
                        KEVIN
              Does it tell me how to get laid?
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              You know what, nevermind.  You're not
              ready.
                        KEVIN
              Ready for what?
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              Whoop, you're fading out.  Good luck
              at that party.
    INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON
    A small, nostalgia-themed dive.  Despite the theme,
    CLASSIC ROCK plays.  Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a
    table.  They munch on hot dogs piled high with
    condiments.
                        KEVIN
              You ever hear of something called The
              Bible?
                        OZ
              Once, in church, dude.
    Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA
    Weekly.
                        JIM
              Ooh, here's an easy one:  "Attractive
              SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
              seeks outgoing companion."
              Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.
                        OZ
              "Fun loving" -- insane.
                        KEVIN
              Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"
              equals old.
                        JIM
              No, "Charming" is old.  "Older" is
              really old.  "Youthful mind" is dead.
                        FINCH
              Perhaps you should consider actually
              answering an ad.
                        JIM
              Finch, you can be the one to date a
              nearly-dead insane chick.  Eat your
              damn imitation hot dog.
                        FINCH
                  ("for the hundredth time")
              This is no imitation.  Removing the
              hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
              better dog.  Behold -- Ultradog, no
              dog.
    Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog.  It's
    all condiments.  The guys react with rehearsed offense.
                        KEVIN
                  (checks his watch)
              Alright...I'm shooting for a nine
              o'clock ETA.  Beer in hand by five
              after.
                        JIM
              You can crash at Stifler's?
                        KEVIN
              It's all good.
                  (He pulls out some gum)
              Breath check.
    He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically
    skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of
    Scope.  Gargles with it.  Spits it into his drink cup.
                        OZ
                  (repulsed)
              Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.
                        KEVIN
              You got something up your sleeve for
              tonight, Finch?
                        FINCH
              A foolproof plan, my friend.  You
              shall see.
    Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded
    by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the
    Manfred Mann remake].
                        OZ
                  (sings along)
              And little hurly-burly came by in her
              curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed
              I ri-hide --
                        KEVIN
              How the hell do you know all these
              random songs?
                        OZ
              It's early Springsteen, dude, this is
              classic.  This was before the cheesy
              remake.
                        JIM
              This was remade?  Into what?
                        OZ
                  (chiming in as the chorus hits)
              Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose
              like a deuce, another runner in the
              night, blinded...
                        KEVIN
              At least now I know what the hell
              they're saying.
                        JIM
              So, does my hair look better --
                  (flips a small lock of hair
                   onto his forehead)
              like this, or...
                  (flips it back up)
              like this?
                        OZ
              Who cares?
                        JIM
              Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian
              chick, she might be there tonight.
              Now, do you think she'd prefer --
                  (flips hair down again)
              Cool Hip Jim...
                  (flips it back up)
              or Laid Back Jim?
                        KEVIN
              The difference is so phenomenal, I
              can't decide.
    EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING
    They exit the restaurant.
                        JIM
              What about you?  You're the one with
              the girlfriend and you're still
              stranded on third base.
                        KEVIN
              You know, I've never got that shit.
              What exactly constitutes third base?
                        OZ
                  (holds up a couple fingers)
              Contact, dude.
                        KEVIN
              Then where does a blowjob figure in?
    They ponder this for a moment.
                        OZ
              Shortstop.  'Course, you don't make it
              to third, and you're out.
                        JIM
              So let's say you get there...what's
              uh, third base feel like?
                        KEVIN
              Oh, man, that's kind of sad.
    Jim shrugs, embarrassed.
                        OZ
              Feels like warm apple pie, dude.
                        JIM
              Apple pie...
                  (then)
              McDonald's or homemade?
    They just look at him.  Finch hops on his scooter.
                        FINCH
              Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.
    He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT
    For a high-school party, it's pretty good.  The house is
    peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS.  MUSIC
    blends with the din of excited conversation.
    Kevin and Jim are drinking beers.  Around them, students
    mingle and flirt.  CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.
                        SHERMAN
              What's up, fellas?
                        JIM
              Hey Sherman.  Scopin' the babes.
                        SHERMAN
              Indeed.  Some fine ladies here, boys.
              Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
              is high.
              Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full
              strategic arsenal ready for
              deployment.
                        JIM
              You've got something going?
                        SHERMAN
              Did you see that Central chick?
              Brunette?
                        KEVIN/JIM
              No.
                        SHERMAN
              She's around.  Seems that she's taken
              a liking to me.  Fellas, it's time
              that she experienced -- The
              Sherminator.
                        KEVIN
              Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.
                        SHERMAN
              I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent
              back through time...to change the
              future for one lucky lady.
                        KEVIN
              Yeah man, right on!
    Sherman saunters off into the party.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
                  (shakes his head)
              Hopeless.
    Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
    EXCHANGING GREETINGS.  Jim spots NADIA across the room.
    She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.
                        JIM
              Oh, shit!  There she is.  Nadia.
                        VICKY
              You like her?  Her sponsor family
              lives on my block.  Why don't you talk
              to her?
                        JIM
              What would I say?
                        VICKY
              Just tell her what's on your mind.
              And smile, you've got a good smile.
                  (then to Kevin)
              Come on.
                        KEVIN
                  (to Jim)
              Gotta go.
                        JIM
              But --
    Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim
    sees Nadia approaching him.  He freaks.
                        JIM (cont'd)
              Kevin, get back here!
    But he's gone.  And Nadia is now in front of him.  With
    no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.
                        NADIA
                  (with a really sexy accent)
              You are in my English class, no?
    Jim smiles.
                        JIM
                  (barely)
              Yes.
                        NADIA
              I thought so.
    Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid.  A beat.
                        NADIA (cont'd)
              So you are having fun?
    Jim nods, still smiling away.  Staring right through her
    head.
                        NADIA (cont'd)
              I said, you are having fun?
    A little SQUEAK escapes his throat.  Jim is on mental
    vacation.
                        NADIA (cont'd)
              Me too.
    A beat.  Jim's expression is now plasticized.  Eyes
    vacant.  A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is
    confused.
                        NADIA (cont'd)
              Well...I am going to get another beer.
              You want one?
    Jim strains to speak, through his smile.
                        JIM
              No...you...go...ahead.
                        NADIA
              Okay.
    She walks off.  Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a
    huge burden is now off of him.  He wipes his brow.  Then,
    realizing --
                        JIM
              Oh, shit.  No!  Shit!
    He pounds his head with his fist.
    EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
    A group of band dorks is on the porch, including
    Michelle.  Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them
    in disbelief.
                        MICHELLE
              We're here for the party?
                        STIFLER
              What party?  There's no party.
    MUSIC blares from inside.  A drunken HAND reaches through
    the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.
                        PARTY GUY (O.S.)
              Stiff-lerrr!  Par-tyyy!!
    The hand disappears back into the house.  A beat.
                        STIFLER
              Try the house down the street.
    Stifler slams the door.  The dorks wait a moment.
                        BAND DORK
              Ring the bell again.
                        MICHELLE
              Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's
              just go in.
    We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.
                        VICKY
              Oh, Kev.
                        KEVIN
              Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's
              time for us to take the next step in
              our relationship?
                        VICKY
              Tonight?
                        KEVIN
              Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
              Isn't this how you've always pictured
              it?
                        PARTY GUY (O.S.)
                  (yelling)
              Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!
                        PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
              You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude!
              Go take a shit or something!
    Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.
                        KEVIN
              Or not.
    Vicky pushes him onto his back.
                        VICKY
              Just relax.
    INT. CAR - NIGHT
    Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
    aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK.  She's attractive and older-
    looking (from a high-school perspective).  They are
    parked near the river that flows through downtown Great
    Falls.
                        OZ
              Great evening, isn't it?
                        COLLEGE CHICK
              Sure.
                        OZ
              There's something about the spring
              that's just cool.  Like the smell of
              fresh rain or something.
    At this, she snuggles up to him.  Oz smiles confidently.
                        OZ (CONT'D)
              Suck me, beautiful.
    The College Chick backs off, confounded.
                        COLLEGE CHICK
              What did you just say?
                        OZ
                  (not so confidently)
              Suck me...beautiful?
    The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief.  She tries
    to keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.
                        COLLEGE CHICK
              What?!
    Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just
    had the rug pulled from under him.
                        OZ
              Uh...you know, my friends call me Nova
              -- as in Casanova.
                        COLLEGE CHICK
              You need some work, buddy!
    She bursts into laughter.  Oz is ill.
                        OZ
              Well...jeez, don't laugh at me.
    Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.
                        COLLEGE CHICK
              Look, Chris.  There are just some
              things you need to learn, that's all.
                        OZ
              Like what?
    She sees that he's lost.  Almost feels sorry for him.
                        COLLEGE CHICK
              Alright, well...you've got to tone it
              down.  You don't need to go to Lookout
              Point and spout cheeseball lines to be
              romantic.
                        OZ
              ...okay...
                        COLLEGE CHICK
              You have to pay attention to a girl.
              Be sensitive to her feelings.
              Relationships are reciprocal.
                        OZ
              I'm not good in math.
    She's trying not to laugh again.
                        COLLEGE CHICK
              Come on, I'll drop you off at your
              friends'.
    Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - SAME TIME
    Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim,
    Stifler, and some guys.
                        STIFLER
                  (hysterical, toppling over)
              You actually said that?!  Haaaah!!
                        OZ
              Shut the fuck up.
                        JIM
              Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.
                        OZ
              Oh that's really reassuring.  And
              don't call me Nova anymore.  I'm a
              fraud.
                        STIFLER
              This is pathetic.  I'm gonna find me a
              little hottie.
    Stifler strides into another room.
                        STIFLER (O.S.)(cont'd)
                  (yelling)
              Suck me, beautiful!
    Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Vicky is pleasuring Kevin...you know.
                        VICKY
                  (brief pause)
              Let me know.
                        KEVIN
              Okay, don't stop.
    She resumes.  A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to
    lose it.
                        KEVIN (cont'd)
              Oh -- Now!
    With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin
    frantically searches for a receptacle.  He grabs a nearby
    cup of beer.
    EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT
    Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg.  A fresh beer foams
    out into the cup.
                        GUY #1
              There we go.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
    Vicky is buttoning up her shirt.  Kevin tentatively sets
    down the beer and buttons his pants.  Suddenly the DOOR
    BURSTS OPEN.  Stifler is standing there.  A coat hanger
    sticks out of the doorknob.
                        STIFLER
              SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!
                        KEVIN
              God dammit, Stifler!
                        STIFLER
              Check-out time!  Please vacate the
              room.
                        VICKY
              Stifler, you're such a jerk.
    She runs out, grabbing her clothes.  Kevin runs after
    her.
                        KEVIN
              Vicky, wait!
    Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE
    CHICK behind him.  He closes the door.
                        SOPHOMORE CHICK
              God, I can't believe there are so many
              cool people at this party.
                        STIFLER
              Yep.
                        SOPHOMORE
              And you got a keg, too, wow.
                  (realizing)
              Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.
    Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table.
    He hands it to her.
                        STIFLER
              Here, babe.
                        SOPHOMORE CHICK
              Thanks.
    She's about to take a sip.
                        STIFLER
                  (gazing into her eyes)
              You're really beautiful.
    Thrown off, she sets the beer down.
                        SOPHOMORE CHICK
              Really?
                        STIFLER
              Uh huh.
    She's totally enthralled.  Nervous, she raises the beer
    again to take a sip.  Then Stifler moves in.  Takes the
    beer from her and sets it down.  Starts kissing her.  She
    breaks it off.
                        SOPHOMORE CHICK
              I don't know if I want to be doing
              this.
                        STIFLER
                  (sighs)
              Doing what?
    Stifler looks inconvenienced.  He picks up the beer,
    annoyed.
                        SOPHOMORE CHICK
              You know.  If we hook up, tomorrow
              I'll just be some girl you go telling
              all your friends about.
                        STIFLER
                  (shifty)
              No way.
    Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.
                        SOPHOMORE CHICK
                  (a little angry)
              Steve!  You could at least look at me
              when you say that.
    Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth.
    Lowers it.  Stares her in the eye.
                        STIFLER
              Look...
                  (searching, remembers)
              ...Sarah.  I wouldn't go telling
              stories or whatever about you.  I
              promise.
    Smiling, he raises the beer...
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING
    Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.
                        JIM
              What the hell?  I should be able to
              talk to chicks.  I'm articulate.  I
              got a 720 on my SAT verbal.
                  (starts listing off words)
              Copious.  Verisimilitude.
    A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.
                        JIM (CONT'D)
                  (unaffected)
              Intransigence.
    A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs.  The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes
    running through the kitchen.  SCREAMING.  And
    indeterminate stain is on her shirt.  She bolts out the
    door and into the night.  A moment passes.
                        JIM (CONT'D)
              Regurgitation.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT
    Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet.  Jim and
    a few other guys rush in.
                        GUY #1
              Oh, gross.
                        JIM
              Jesus, what did you eat?
    Stifler just keeps hurling.  Kevin enters, holding the
    remains of the tainted beer.
                        KEVIN
              Stifler, how's the man chowder?!
    Stifler barfs even more violently.
    EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT
    Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg.
    Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.
                        VICKY
              He likes it.
                        JESSICA
              Of course he does.  What about you?
              Have you just never had one with Kevin
              -- or have you never had one, period?
                        VICKY
              I think I've had one.
                        JESSICA
              Well that's a no.  No wonder you're
              not psyched about sex.
                  (starts filling Vicky's beer)
              You've never even had one manually?
                        VICKY
              ...I've never tried it.
                        JESSICA
              Are you kidding?  You've never double-
              clicked your mouse?
    Vicky shrugs.
                        JESSICA (CONT'D)
              Hell, just a pair of tight pants will
              set me off.
                  (noticing Nadia next to them,
                   she passes the tap along)
              Am I right or what, Nadia?
                        NADIA
                  (no bones about it)
              You are right.  The hands are not
              always necessary.
                        JESSICA
                  (to Vicky)
              See?
                        NADIA
              In fact -- I should teach you my own
              special method.  I developed it myself
              at the ballet institute in Prague.
              You use nothing but the muscles of the
              inner thigh.
    Nadia walks off.
                        JESSICA
              No wonder she never pays attention in
              class.
    Vicky nods, traumatized.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER
    Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM
    on the wall.  Very attractive, late 30's.
                        JIM
              Shit, I can't believe a fine woman
              like this produced a guy like Stifler.
    TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.
                        FRESHMAN GUY
              Dude!  That chick -- is a MILF!
                        FRESHMAN GUY #2
              What the hell is that?
                        FRESHMAN GUY
              M-I-L-F!  Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
    Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches.  Sherman
    pokes his head out.
                        SHERMAN
                  (hushed, to guys)
              Don't you think you fellas could try a
              little tact?  I've got company.  Know
              what I mean?
    In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central
    Girl.  Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there,
    dumbstruck.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - STAIRWAY - NIGHT
    Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.
                        KEVIN
                  (snapping)
              Dammit!  If Sherman has sex before I
              do, I'm gonna be really fucking
              pissed.
    They turn the corner into the kitchen.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING
                        KEVIN
              Man, I just gotta get laid already!
              This blowjob thing is bullshit!
    He stops.  Vicky is there with Jessica.  Staring at him.
    Vicky quietly grabs her purse.  Hurt.  OTHER STUDENTS
    watch, silently.  Kevin doesn't know what to say.
                        VICKY
              Jessica, can you drive me home?
                        JESSICA
              Sure.
    The guys watch as the girls head for the door.
                        KEVIN
              Vicky, wait.
                        VICKY
              Not for you.
    The girls exit.  Nobody says anything.  Kevin is in
    shock.
                        PARTY GUY (O.S.)
              Yeti!  I am the Yeti!
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - DAY
    The next morning.  The party is long over.  Plastic beer
    cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not
    trashed.
    Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head.  He
    stumbles over a body.  It's Kevin.
                        KEVIN
              Ow, what the hell?
                        JIM
              Sorry, I thought you were dead.
    They walk over to the other side of the room.  Finch is
    sitting on the couch.
                        FINCH
              Good morning gentleman.
                        JIM
              Finch!  Where were you last night?
              What happened to the foolproof plan?
                        FINCH
              I thought a fashionably late entrance
              would enhance my appearance.
                  (off their looks)
              When I got here, the Bacchanalia was
              over and the nymphs had left.
    Oz wanders in, still sullen.  Takes a seat, sulking.
                        KEVIN
              Feeling better, Oz?
                        OZ
              I'm such a loser.
                        KEVIN
              That's the spirit.
    We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs.  It's the
    CENTRAL GIRL.  She wears a "Central" sweatshirt.  Sherman
    follows behind her.  The guys watch in disbelief as
    Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.
                        SHERMAN
                  (snippets of conversation)
              ...I'll never forget...thank you.
    The Central Girl smiles.  Notices the other guys
    watching.  Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.
                        CENTRAL GIRL
              Bye.
    She exits.  The guys are dumbfounded.  Jaws hang.
    Sherman looks triumphant.  Strides over to the guys.
                        JIM
              You did it.
                        SHERMAN
              Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman,
              the boy.  I am now a man.
    The guys are shocked and amazed.
                        SHERMAN (CONT'D)
              I highly recommend you join the club.
                        KEVIN
              I -- I don't get it, how the hell did
              you do that?
                        SHERMAN
              It was just my time, fellas, it was
              just my time.  Best of luck to you,
              boys.
    Sherman exits.  Silence.  The guys look like they just
    lost the World Series on errors.  They slowly take seats,
    ruined.
                        KEVIN
              I put in months of quality time with
              Vicky.  Sherman meets a chick for one
              night and scores?  This is just wrong.
                        OZ
              No shit, I'm never gonna get laid.
              How the hell am I gonna become this
              Mr. Sensitive Man?
                        JIM
              Jesus, we're all gonna go to college
              as virgins.  They've probably got
              special dorms for people like us.
    A long beat as they give this serious consideration.
    Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the
    group.
                        KEVIN
              Alright, I got an idea.  But it stays
              between us.  Agreed?
    They do.
                        KEVIN (cont'd)
              Okay.  It's really simple.  We
              make an agreement -- no wait, more
              than an agreement.
                        JIM
              Like a bet?
                        KEVIN
              No, a pact.  No money involved.  This
              is more important than any bet.  Now
              here's the deal: We all get laid
              before we graduate.
    A beat
                        OZ
              Dude, it's not like I haven't been
              trying to get laid.
                        KEVIN
              This is different.  This is better.
              Think of when you're working out, Oz.
              You need a partner, someone to spot
              you.  Someone to keep you motivated.
    Oz nods, getting into it.  Kevin smiles and continues,
    arms outspread.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              That's what we are, we keep each other
              on track.  Prior to this day, we've
              postured.  We've procrastinated.
              We've pretended.  We've -- well I
              can't think of other p-words, but
              we've probably done them too.
                        JIM
              Pontificated.
                        KEVIN
                  (ignoring him)
              Separately, we are flawed and
              vulnerable.  But together, we are the
              masters of our sexual destiny!
                        JIM
                  (kung fu voice)
              Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
              but our dragon style will defeat it!
                        OZ
                  (going on)
              The Sha-lin masters from east and west
              must unite!
                        KEVIN
              Guys, guys -- you're ruining my
              fucking moment here.  Now think about
              it --
    Kevin jumps up on a chair.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              No longer will our penises remain
              flaccid and unused!  From now on, we
              fight for every man out there who
              isn't getting laid when he should be!
              This is our day!  This is our time!
              And, by God, we're not gonna let
              history condemn us to celibacy!  We
              will make a stand!  We will succeed!
              We will get laid!
    Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
    front of him.  One by one, the guys pile their hands on
    top, in between them -- it's a pact!  They break with a
    CHEER.  Woo-hoo!
                        STIFLER
                  (wandering down from upstairs)
              What the hell are you losers doing?
    They all stop.  Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
    mouth.  A goatee of dried toothpaste.
                        FINCH
              If I might ask, when you brush your
              teeth, do you spit or swallow?
    Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green
    and heads back upstairs.
    INT. DOG DAYS - DAY
    The guys are finishing up breakfast.  Hot dogs & eggs.
                        KEVIN
              Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid,
              consensual sex.  No funny stuff.  And
              no prostitutes, if you were thinking
              about that, Finch.
    Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              So, I'm thinking prom is basically our
              last big chance.
                        OZ
              Dude, prom sucks.
                        KEVIN
              I know, but think about it -- At the
              parties that night.  Chicks are gonna
              want to do it.
                        JIM
              Yeah, it's like tradition or
              something.
                        KEVIN
              Right.  That gives us...
                        JIM
              Exactly three weeks to the day.
    They take this in with some trepidation.
                        KEVIN
              Alright then.  It's official.  Any
              questions?
    There are none.  Kevin raises his Pepsi.
                        KEVIN (cont'd)
              To the next step.
    The guys raise their drinks.
                        ALL
              To the next step.
    They toast.  And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING
    FOR SEX MONTAGE:
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow
    pages.  Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing.  Kevin dials.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
    Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together,
    which Kevin takes.  They part ways.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
    confusion.  A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain
    pottery with little sponges.  Oz looks dubious.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
    Finch is unpacking his lunch.  He carefully unfolds a
    napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed.  Other than
    that, he's doing absolutely nothing.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera
    attached to his computer.  The computer screen reads, "E-
    DATE:  We Make Love Happen."  As Jim fiddles with the
    camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image.
    He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" --
    the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.
    The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY
    Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE.  We see he's in the
    "Religion" section.  Surrounded by piles of different
    bibles.  No luck.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
    Finch pulls out a small mustard packet.  He neatly snips
    the end with scissors.  Then rolls the packet, like a
    tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last
    bit of mustard.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Jim is on his computer.  The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00
    REPLIES."  Jim is nonplussed.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
    Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's
    locker, holding their backpacks open.  Kevin holds a big
    shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms
    falls out.  He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the
    guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
    examining them.
    And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.
                        JIM
                  (shoving the rubbers into his
                   night table)
              Just a minute!
    He opens the bedroom door.  Jim's Dad is standing there.
                        JIM'S DAD
                  (trying not to look inside)
              Can I come in?
                        JIM
              Yeah, sure.
                        JIM'S DAD
              You're not...busy?
                        JIM
              Dad, come in.
    Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.
    He takes a seat on Jim's bed.
                        JIM'S DAD
                  (fatherly attempt)
              Sit down, Jim.  Let's talk.
    Jim takes a seat next to his dad.
                        JIM
              Okay.
                        JIM'S DAD
              These are for you.  From father to
              son.
    Jim looks at the bag.  Uncomfortable.  Hesitantly, he
    takes it.  Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of
    PERFECT 10.
                        JIM
              Uh...dad...
    Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Go ahead son, there's more.
    Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag.  Cringes.
    Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.
                        JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
              Now, that one's a little more...a
              little more...graphic.
                        JIM
              I know, Dad.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Oh, okay.  Here's let me show you.
    Jim's Dad takes the bag back.  Pulls out a copy of
    SHAVED.
                        JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
              This, son, is your more exotic dirty
              magazine.
                        JIM
              Dad!  I know!
                        JIM'S DAD
              Do you know about the clitoris?
                        JIM
                  (through clenched teeth)
              Yes dad.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
              locate.
                        JIM
                  (interrupting, hand up)
              Thank you, dad, I got it.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Okay, well that about covers it.
    Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.
                        JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
              Now, let's put these somewhere where
              your mother won't find them.
    Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines.  He goes to open
    Jim's night table.  Jim freaks.
                        JIM
              Wait!
    But it's too late.  Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the
    unraveled prophylactics.  He sours.
                        JIM'S DAD
                  (beaten)
              I'll have to save this speech for
              another day.  I'm too worn out.
    Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY
    Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.
                        KEVIN
              Did you get the flowers?
                  (no response)
              What about the poem?
    She doesn't care.
                        KEVIN (cont'd)
              Vicky, please don't do this.
    Vicky stares him right in the eye.  Strong.
                        VICKY
              I'll think about it.
    She slams her locker and walks off.  Jessica is nearby.
    She's overheard.
                        JESSICA
              Ah, you'll get her back soon enough.
              That's easy, she likes you.  What you
              need to do is learn to press a girl's
              buttons.  You gotta give her what
              she's never had.
                        KEVIN
              What?
                        JESSICA
              I'll give you a hint.
                  (hot, orgasmic)
              "Ohhh, yeah, yeah!"
                  (flat)
              Comprende?
                        KEVIN
              You mean...and orgasm?
                        JESSICA
              You got it, stud.
                        KEVIN
              Well...I'm pretty sure I've --
                        JESSICA
                  (interrupts authoritatively)
              No you haven't.
                        KEVIN
              But that one time --
                        JESSICA
                  (shaking head)
              No.
                        KEVIN
              Well of course I'd want to give her
              that.  I mean, what do you think, I
              don't care about her?
                        JESSICA
              Do you?
                        KEVIN
              Of course.
                        JESSICA
              Do you love her?
    Kevin squirms.
                        KEVIN
              I -- I don't know, you can't ask me
              that.
                        JESSICA
              Well, if you want to get her in the
              sack, tell her you love her.  That's
              how I was duped.
                        KEVIN
              I don't want to dupe her, Jessica.  If
              I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.
                        JESSICA
              Well it's up to you.  The Big L, or
              the Big O.
    Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.
                        STIFLER
              Dickhead!  You gotta see this.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - MOMENT LATER
    The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those
    doo-wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do").
    Singing with the group is none other than Oz.  He's not
    doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various
    vocal jazz girls.  Smiling at them, giving suave little
    waves.
    Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the
    auditorium, listening.
                        JIM
              This is unexpected.
                        STIFLER
              What did you cocks do to him?  Shit,
              if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll
              kick Oz off the team on principle
              alone.
    The song finishes.  Oz bounds up to the other guys.
                        OZ
              Hey guys, you came to watch me in
              action?
                        JIM
              Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.
                        STIFLER
              I think you need your balls
              reattached.
                        OZ
              Keep it down, dude.
                        STIFLER
              What the fuck are you doing here?
                        OZ
              This place is an untapped resource.
              Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz
              girls are hot.
    ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS
    A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom
    is HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.
                        VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
              Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian
              singing with us.
                        VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2
              Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on
              his forehead.
                        HEATHER
              I think he's got a nice voice.
                        VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
                  (ribbing her)
              Go talk to him, maybe you can teach
              him how to read.
    Heather shakes her head.  BACK TO:
                        STIFLER
              You dipshit, you're expecting to score
              with some goody-goody choir-girl
              priss?
                        OZ
              Dude, watch me work.  They go for
              sensitive studs like me.
    Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - LATER
    Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree.
    Kevin and Jim approach.
                        KEVIN
              This is your plan, Finch?
                        FINCH
              Yep.
    He turns a page.  Skims the articles.  A beat.
                        KEVIN
              This.  Right now.
                        FINCH
              Uh-huh.
                        JIM
              You're just gonna sit there and drink
              your coffee?
                        FINCH
              Mochaccino.
                  (then)
              Actually, in the spirit of the pact, I
              do need to ask for your cooperation in
              one small matter.
                        KEVIN
              Of course, Finch.  What?
                        FINCH
              Whatever you hear about me, you agree.
                        KEVIN
              What are we gonna hear?
                        FINCH
              You'll see.  Gotta go.  Sixteen
              minute round trip.
                        JIM
              Finch, don't you think it's about time
              you learned to take a dump at school?
                        FINCH
              When was the last time you looked at
              the facilities here?
                        KEVIN
              Fifteen minutes ago.
    Finch shudders and walks away.  Kevin and Jim stand
    there, dumbfounded.  An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.
                        ENTHRALLED GIRL
              Uh, guys?  Was that Paul Finch?
                        KEVIN
              Yeah.
                        ENTHRALLED GIRL
              You guys have like, seen him in the
              locker room, right?
                        KEVIN
              Yeah.
                        ENTHRALLED GIRL
              Is it true that he's really...huge?
                        JIM
              I have no idea.  Finch showers in a
              bathing suit.
                        KEVIN
                  (forced)
              No -- it's true.  He is...really...
              big.
                        JIM
                  (loving it)
              Yeah, enormous.
                        ENTHRALLED GIRL
              Woah.  Does he have a date for prom
              yet.
                        JIM
              Definitely not.
                        ENTHRALLED GIRL
              No way!
    She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip.
    They all seem very interested.
                        KEVIN
                  (dumbfounded)
              Finch hasn't done a damn thing, and
              he's got girls lining up already.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Kevin is on the phone.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
              Say that again, Kevin?
                        KEVIN
              Uh...I thought you might know a trick
              or something.  To make her, you
              know...
    INTERCUT WITH
    INT. SUSHI BAR - DAY
    Kevin's brother is on his cell phone.  A SUSHI CHEF
    prepares food behind the counter.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              Orgasm?
    The Sushi Chef looks up.  Kevin's Brother turns away.
                        KEVIN
              Yeah.
                        SUSHI CUSTOMER
                  (to Kevin's Brother)
              What's good here?
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              Try the spicy tuna hand roll.
                        KEVIN
              What?!  How do I do that?
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              Uh -- forget that.  Look, is that all
              you're interested in?  Ways to get
              your girlfriend into bed?
                        KEVIN
              Well, no.  I think...I guess it would
              be good to be able to return the
              favor.  I mean, it would be nice to
              know she enjoys things as much as I
              do.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              That's good, that's what I needed to
              hear.  Now you qualify.
                        KEVIN
              Qualify for what?
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER
              You've just inherited The Bible.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY
    Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section.  He
    carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
              It originally started as a sex manual,
              this book that some guys brought back
              from Amsterdam in the early eighties.
              What to do with your tongue, things
              like that.  And each year, it got
              passed on to one East student who was
              worthy of it.
    Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various
    bibles on the bottom shelf.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
              After a couple years, guys started
              adding their own techniques.  Things
              they figured out themselves.
    Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom
    shelf.  Pulls out a pocket knife.  Flips up the bottom of
    the shelf.  Slides it out.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
              You have to keep it a secret, and
              return it at the end of the year.  So,
              now you know.  Good luck.
    There, a bit dusty, is an old book.  Many extra pages of
    notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking
    the binding.  The original title is now obscured -- over
    it, someone has written "The Bible."
    Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue?  It's
    like that right now.
    Kevin carefully pulls it out.  Reverently flips through
    it.  Full of details.  Explicit diagrams.  Anecdotes.
    And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the
    date it was added.
    Kevin reaches the last page.  It's blank.  He lightly
    runs his hand down the empty page.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
    Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his
    shoulder.
                        JIM
                  (yells)
              Mom?!  I'm home!
    No response.  Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a
    fresh-baked pie on the counter.  Next to it is a note:
    "Jimmy - Apple, your favorite.  I'll be home late.
    Enjoy!  Love Mom."
    Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma.  Then stops...as
    a quizzical look spreads across his face.
    After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the
    pie.  Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.
    Then Jim becomes more curious.  We can see the gears in
    his head start to turn.  He looks down at the pie like
    it's... well, not a pie.
    EXT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY
    Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
    Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks.
    His face drops, appalled.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Jim?
                        JIM
              It's not what it looks like!
                                                           CUT TO:
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
    Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at
    the table.  Jim stares into his lap, humiliated.  Jim's
    dad is crushed.  You've never seen such disappointment...
    but he's trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.
    In the middle of the table is the pie.  It's decimated.
    Mushed up, ruined...violated.
                        JIM'S DAD
                  (fighting back tears)
              I guess...we'll just tell your
              mother...that we ate it all.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Late.  Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the
    Bible.
    If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this
    book, we'd have a nation of geniuses.  He's scrutinizing
    it.  Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to
    decipher cave paintings.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY
    The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song.  Oz is singing
    along, really making it look like he's into it.  He
    closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm.  As
    the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his
    shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the
    number.  The thing is, it actually sounds really good.
    Oz opens his eyes...to see the whole group -- especially
    the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.
    The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.
                        CHOIR TEACHER
              What the hell was that?
                        OZ
              Sorry.
                        CHOIR TEACHER
              No, it was good.
                        OZ
              Oh, well...
                  (noticing Heather looking at
                   him, he acts "sensitive")
              It came from the heart.
                        CHOIR TEACHER
              Well then keep it coming.
                  (to everyone)
              Alright, people, good work!  Keep it
              up and we'll do great at the state
              competition.
    Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.
                        HEATHER
              Not bad, Chris.
                        OZ
                  (surprised himself)
              Really?  Hey, thanks -- Heather,
              right?
                        HEATHER
              Yeah...so...you've got this sort of...
              Bobby McFerrin thing going there.
                        OZ
                  (no idea)
              Yeah.  Right, uh-huh.
                  (then, back into it)
              I feel like I've discovered this whole
              new side of me.  Music is so
              expressive.
                        HEATHER
                  (amused)
              Okay.
                  (then)
              I mean, I agree, but...aren't you
              supposed to be out, like, trying to
              decapitate someone with your lacrosse
              stick or something?
    Oz "gets serious" at this.
                        OZ
              Oh sure.  I know what people think.
              It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass
              lacrosse player -- I also play
              football, by the way -- But that's
              like...not all that I am.
                        HEATHER
              Of course, I didn't --
                        OZ
                  (cutting her off)
              I mean it really bothers me when
              people try to pigeonhole me like that.
                        HEATHER
                  (sparking to this)
              You?  You think I don't get that?
              God, it's like just because I don't
              get drunk and barf every weekend,
              people say "Oh, here's this goody-two-
              shoes choir-girl priss."
    Of course, this is what Stifler said about her.  And for
    a moment, this catches Oz off guard.
                        OZ
              Yeah...so like, what else do you do?
                        HEATHER
                  (offended)
              Well the same things you do.  Hang out
              with friends and stuff, you know,
              whatever.
                  (then)
              What do you think I do?
                        OZ
                  (genuine)
              I just -- realized that I didn't know
              anything about you.  I was interested.
                        HEATHER
              Oh...well that's okay.  Cool.
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY
    Kevin is walking home with Vicky.  He's a couple paces
    behind her, almost tagging along.
                        KEVIN
              I was being selfish.  And majorly
              insensitive.  And I'm a total idiot.
                        VICKY
              I think "shithead" really says it.
                        KEVIN
              Yes!  I'm a shithead!  I'm a complete
              and total shithead!
    She cracks a little smile.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              And I want to try to make it up to
              you.
                        VICKY
              How?
    Vicky stops walking.  Looks at Kevin.
    EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
    Vicky's perfect suburban home...as we hear VICKY MOANING
    IN ECSTASY.
                        VICKY (V.O.)
              Oh...ungghhhhh!
                        KEVIN (V.O.)
              Shhhh.  Your parents are downstairs.
    INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.
                        VICKY
              Oh Kevin -- don't stop!
                        KEVIN
              Just a second!
    We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor.  Vicky's legs
    are to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting
    the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed.  It's open to
    a page titled "The Tongue Tornado."
    Kevin resumes, out of frame.  Vicky goes nuts.
                        VICKY (cont'd)
                  (a little too loudly)
              Oh, God!
    Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow.  She squeezes it over
    her face, moaning into it.
                        VICKY (cont'd)
              Moly shmmmt!  Fmmkkkk!
    Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously
    pulls out The Bible from under the bed.  Sets it next to
    her.  He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and
    back again.
    INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
    VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta.  On the fridge, we
    see a collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait,
    National Honor Society certificate, a report card.
                        VICKY'S MOM
                  (yells to Vicky's Dad)
              Hon?  Can you tell Vick to come on
              down for supper?
    VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper.  He gets
    up with a GRUNT.
    INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Vicky can barely control herself.  She SCREAMS into the
    pillow.
                        KEVIN
              Vicky, shhh, you know there's no lock
              on your door.
    INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - DAY
    Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.
    INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy.  Groans.  Kevin
    keeps referencing The Bible.  Whatever he's doing, it's
    working.
    INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
    Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.
    INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Vicky is about to explode.  She pulls the pillow off her
    face, gasping.
    INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
    Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.
                        VICKY (O.S.)
              I'M COMING!
    Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back
    downstairs.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT
    Jim's door opens...he winces...REVERSE to see Jim's dad
    looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the
    hallway outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's
    door.
                        JIM
              Hey, dad.  Did you knock?
    Jim's dad continues to study the picture.  A beat.  Then
    he turns around, like he just realized the door was open.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Oh, Jim!  I'm looking at the ol'
              family portrait, here.  Yep.  It's a
              good one.
    Jim can only shrugs in response.  He goes into the hall
    and looks at the portrait.  A beat.
                        JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
              Son, I wanted to talk to you about
              what I think you were trying to do the
              other day.
    Jim's face drops, seeing his death unfold.
                        JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
                  (continuing with his prepared
                   speech)
              Now, you may have tried it in the
              shower, or maybe in bed at night, and
              not even known what you were doing.
              Or perhaps you've heard your friends
              talking about it in the locker room.
    Jim's eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.
                        JIM
              Dad, please stop.  Please.  I'm sure I
              know what you're talking about.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Sure you know, son, but I think you've
              been having a little problem with it.
              It's okay, though.  What you're doing
              is perfectly normal.  It's like
              practice.  Like when you play tennis
              against a wall.  Some day, there'll be
              a partner returning the ball.
                  (a beat)
              You do want a partner, don't you son?
                        JIM
                  (through clenched teeth)
              Yes.
                        JIM'S DAD
              That's great.  Now remember, it's okay
              to play with yourself.  Or, as I
              always called it --
                  (elbows Jim)
              "Stroke the salami!"
                  (chuckles)
              Ho-ho, Jim.  There's nothing to be
              ashamed of.  Hell, I'm fifty-two, and
              I still enjoy masturbating.  Uncle
              Mort masturbates.  We all masturbate.
    Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble
    back into his room.  He SMACKS the doorframe.  Keeps
    going, slamming the door behind him.  A beat.
                        JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
              Poor guy thought he was the only one.
    EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
    The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field.
    East Great Falls is battling Central.  It's a rough game,
    muddy, brutal.  We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing
    very tough.
    On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up.  She's
    watching the game -- and is impressed as she watches Oz's
    agility and domination.  Oz runs up the field, cradling
    the ball in his stick.  A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to
    check him.  Heather cringes with each impact, and is then
    excited to see Oz dodge his opponents.
    Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL.  Heather
    CHEERS with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate
    each other.
    EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
    After the game.  Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the
    sidelines.  He's about to run over when COACH MARSHALL
    snags him --
                        COACH MARSHALL
              Good work, Ostreicher.
                        OZ
              Thanks coach.
                        COACH MARSHALL
              You're a killer, Ozzy!
                        OZ
                  (trying to get away)
              -- Thanks, coach --
    FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in
    mud.
                          OZ
              Hey, what're you doing here?
                        HEATHER
              Just enjoying my exhilarating first
              lacrosse experience.  You like,
              "kicked butt."
    A clod of mud falls from Oz's uniform onto Heather's
    skirt.
                        OZ
                  (brushing it off her skirt)
              Whoops, excuse me...
    Oz wipes the mud from his hands.  A beat.  Heather has
    something to say that's not quite coming out.
                        HEATHER
              Um...Chris --
                        OZ
              You can call me Oz.
                        HEATHER
              Do I have to?
                        OZ
              You can call me Ostreicher.
                        HEATHER
              What's your middle name?
                        OZ
              Forget it.
                        HEATHER
              Come on!  I won't tell.
                        OZ
              Neither will I.
                        HEATHER
              Okay.
                  (pause)
              So I had this...thought, and...this
              may seem like it's out of left field,
              and I don't know if you can, but since
              I'm not going with anyone --
    Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and
    excited.
                        STIFLER
              Hah!  Central sucks!
                  (noticing Heather)
              Choir Chick?  What the hell are you
              doing here?
                        HEATHER
              Well, I uh, I was --
                  (decides to stand her ground)
              I was asking Chris to prom.
                  (turns to Oz)
              So do you wanna go?
    Oz is surprised at her directness.  Impressed.
                        OZ
              Yeah!
                        STIFLER
              Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for
              the limo.
                        OZ
              Stifler, fuck --
                  (noticing Heather, "sensitive")
              ...man, you don't have to be so
              insensitive.
    A beat.
                        STIFLER
              What??
                  (he dismisses it)
              Whatever -- look uh, don't forget --
              my cottage after prom.  On Lake
              Michigan.
    Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.
                        OZ
              Alright, cool.  I gotta hit the
              showers, but...I think this'll be
              really good.
                        HEATHER
              Yeah, me too, okay, cool.
    They share a smile.  Then Heather walks off towards her
    car.  Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse
    guys.
                        STIFLER
              My man Oz, working it with the choir
              babes?
                        LACROSSE BUDDIES
                  (cheering, slapping him)
              Yeah, go Oz! etc.
    Oz laughs, embarrassed.
                        OZ
                  (pandering to them)
              Hey, you know, what can I say, I dig
              those cute little sweaters she wears.
                        STIFLER
              I'll bet you do, you little horndog,
              she's givin' you fuckin' stiffies,
              right?
    Stifler goes into what can only be described as the Spank-
    Me-And-Fuck-Me-Like-A-Whore-Dance.
                        STIFLER (CONT'D)
              Yeah!  Sing for me!  yes!
    The other guys LAUGH.  Oz joins in, laughing in spite of
    himself.  They all high-five.
    And from the other side of the field, we see Heather
    peering over at them.  Hardly believing it as Oz joins in
    the laughter.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
    English class.  The TEACHER is wrapping up a lecture.
                        TEACHER
              So once Hal becomes king, he has to
              take on the responsibilities of
              leadership, and turn his back on his
              old, drunken friend, Falstaff.  You
              see, Hal was going through a rite of
              passage, much like you all are.  Make
              the most of the time you've got left
              together.  You'll miss it later.
    Jim, Kevin, and Oz sit in the back of the classroom in
    one corner.
                        OZ
              So does your tongue cramp up?
                        KEVIN
              Nah, you get kind of dizzy though.
                        JIM
              Wow, that's amazing, she's probably
              gonna want to do it soon.
    Kevin shrugs as the BELL RINGS.  Sherman passes by.
                        SHERMAN
              Still questing after the holy grail,
              eh guys?
    He CHUCKLES and exits.  The guys stand up, exiting the
    classroom.
                        JIM
              Hey, where's Finch?
                        KEVIN
              Went home to shit.
                        JIM
              I don't get it.  How does a guy like
              that get this sudden reputation?
                        OZ
              What reputation?
                        KEVIN
              Observe.
    He taps a passing RANDOM CUTE GIRL on the shoulder.
                        KEVIN (cont'd)
              Excuse me.  Do you know who Paul
              Finch is?
                        RANDOM CUTE GIRL
              Of course!  Have you guys seen his
              tattoo?
                        KEVIN
              ...Yes?
                        RANDOM CUTE GIRL
              Is it cool?  I heard it was like an
              eagle, blazing in fire and stuff.
                        JIM
                  (nods, loving it)
              Actually, it's an eagle and this big
              python.
                        RANDOM CUTE GIRL
              Really?!
                        JIM
              Yeah, see it's on his stomach, here,
              and the eagle -- the eagle is actually
              grasping the python in its talons, so
              the snake is like his --
                        KEVIN
                  (interrupting)
              That's good, Jim.
                        RANDOM CUTE GIRL
              Woah, no way!  That guy is so cool!
    She hurries off to tell her friends.  The guys exit the
    classroom.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR HIGH LOCKERS - CONTINUING
                        OZ
              Okay, explain.
                        KEVIN
              I can't, I have no idea how he's doing
              it.  And that leaves you trailing,
              Jim.  You gotta get your act together.
                        JIM
                  (a little aggravated)
              Yeah, I know.  I'm working on it.
    Jim turns around -- to find Nadia is standing right in
    front of him.  Jim says nothing.  Stuck.  Staring.  Oz
    elbows him.  Jim gives a startled GRUNT.
                        NADIA
              You are very good in the world history
              class, yes?
                        JIM
                  (gulps)
              Me?
    Jim looks over to Kevin and Oz, who excitedly give him
    encouraging looks and gestures.
                        JIM (CONT'D)
                  (trying to decipher the guys'
                   signals)
              Yes.  No.  Yes.
                        NADIA
              Perhaps you can help me with my
              studies?
    The guys nod, "Yes!  Yes!"
                        JIM
              Okay...that would be cool sometime.
                  (sees the guys gesticulating)
              How 'bout tomorrow?
                        NADIA
              Well, I do have ballet practice.
              Perhaps I can come by your house
              afterwards.  I can change clothes at
              your place?
                        JIM
                  (barely, overwhelmed)
              I suppose that would be okay.
    Nadia walks off.  Jim collapses into Oz's and Kevin's
    arms, like a marathon runner at the end of a race.  They
    pat him heartily in congratulations.
    EXT. RAST GREAT FALLS - SIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY
    After school.  Oz is there as Heather pulls up in a new
    Saab.
                        OZ
              Nice car.
                        HEATHER
              I'm glad you think so.
                        OZ
              You don't like it?
                        HEATHER
              No, I like the car.
                  (then, direct)
              By the way, though, about prom?  That
              was like a bad idea.  Sorry I invited
              you.
    She hastily walks towards the school.
                        OZ
              What?!
                        HEATHER
              Oh, please.  I asked you because I
              thought you might actually be worth
              going with.  But you are just a jock.
              No wait.  You're a jerk.
                        OZ
              What?  No I'm not.
                        HEATHER
              I saw you making fun of me with your
              lacrosse buddies.
                        OZ
              I wasn't making fun of you.
                        HEATHER
              Give me a break, you're so full of it.
    She hurries up more, breaking off from Oz, and enters the
    school.  After a moment, he slowly heads in.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - LATER
    Oz and Heather are singing with the group, at opposite
    ends of the room.  It's a pop, contemporary arrangement
    of "HOW SWEET IT IS."  It sounds jazzy, cool.
    Oz looks dazed, like the wind's taken out of him.  He
    sings along, distant.  Heather, almost defiantly, sings
    clearer and better than ever.  Oz watches her, though she
    never looks his way.  At the bride of the song, Heather
    breaks into a solo.  She sings beautifully.  Oz is
    hooked.
    The Choir Teacher halts the song.
                        CHOIR TEACHER
              Okay, Heather, that was good, but I
              want to thicken up that solo.
              Michigan State is this Saturday, and I
              want that part to smoke.
                        HEATHER
              I know, my timing's off.
                        CHOIR TEACHER
              A little, but I think it'll work
              better as a duet.  With a tenor part.
                        OZ
                  (interrupting)
              I'll do it.
    A beat as the Choir Teacher is impressed and Heather
    looks indifferent.
                        OZ (CONT'D)
              I'll do it.
                        CHOIR TEACHER
              Okay then.  The rest of you okay with
              that?
    The rest of the choir agrees, as Heather looks to Oz with
    skepticism.
                        CHOIR TEACHER (CONT'D)
              Great.  See you tomorrow.
    The group starts packing up.
                        HEATHER
                  (annoyed)
              Why are you doing this?
                        OZ
              Because I want to.
                        HEATHER
              Yeah?  Well you can't fake your way
              through this.  You better practice.
    She leaves.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - LIBRARY - DAY
    Jim, Kevin, Oz, and Stifler.
                        STIFLER
              Fuck me!  You're gonna have a naked
              Eastern-European chick in your house,
              and you're telling me you're not gonna
              take advantage of that?
                        JIM
              What am I gonna do, broadcast her over
              the internet?
                        OZ
              You can do that?
                        JIM
                  (off their looks)
              Oh -- no way.  I can't do that to her.
                        STIFLER
              Dammit, Jim, get some fucking balls.
              If you don't have the guts to
              photograph a naked chick in your room,
              how are you ever gonna sleep with one?
              Now all you gotta do is set up some
              sort of private link or whatever on
              the net, and tell me the address.
    The guys ponder this.
                        KEVIN
              You can send me the address too.
                        JIM
              Well...dammit, if I'm doing this, how
              the hell am I gonna watch?
                        KEVIN
              I'll save you a seat.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim is setting the computer camera on top of the monitor.
    The computer BINGS.
                        COMPUTER VOICE
              "You have established an internet
              connection."
    Jim sits.  Types a quick E-mail.  It reads:  "OH YEAH!
    128.220.27.102/tempt/NadiaVision.  ENJOY!"
    Jim scrolls through his list of E-mail addresses.
    Highlights a listing.  Clicks "Send."
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Kevin and Finch sit in front of a computer.  Kevin is
    unloading beer and chips from a grocery bag.
    We see an image of Jim's bedroom on the computer screen.
    It's a little strobed, but easily watchable.  Suddenly
    Jim's face pops into frame.  He's adjusting the camera.
                        KEVIN
              There we go.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    We see the same image on Jim's screen.  Jim turns off
    just the monitor.  It looks like the computer is off --
    the ruse is undetectable.
    Jim's dad enters with Nadia.  She's in sweats and a
    leotard, carrying a duffel bag over her shoulder.  Jim's
    dad is delighted, fidgety, almost giddy.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Son.  This lady's here for you.
                        JIM
                  (like it's no big deal)
              I know.  Hey Nadia.
                        NADIA
              Hello James.  Ready to study.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Oh, you bet he is.  Jim's quite the
              bookworm.
                        JIM
              Dad.
                        JIM'S DAD
              Oh, no, not too much of a bookworm.
              He's a good little kid.  Er, guy.
              Man.
                        JIM
              Dad!!
                        JIM'S DAD
              Okay, okay.  I'll let you hit those
              books.
    Jim's dad gives a knowing look and exits.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
    STIFLER'S YOUNGER BROTHER, 11, a monster, is tugging at
    Stifler, who sits at the computer, watching Jim's room.
                        STIFLER'S BROTHER
              Steve!  Steve!  It's my computer and I
              wanna use it!
                        STIFLER
              Shut up and watch this, you might
              learn something.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        JIM
              So you need to change, right?
                        NADIA
              Do you mind?  This fabric is so
              uncomfortable.
    She sets her duffel on Jim's bed.
                        JIM
              No, go right ahead and get dressed.
              I'll just be downstairs, studying up.
              Get me when you're ready.
    Jim exits, closing the door behind him.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
                        KEVIN
              Here we go.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING
    He's off!  Jim sprints down the hall.  Thunders down the
    stairs.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
    Jim's Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs.  Jim bolts
    through the room.
                        JIM
              Be back in a sec!
    He practically crashes through the door on his way out.
                        JIM'S MOM
              Jim?  Honey, where are you going?
    She turns and looks at her husband.  Both perplexed.
    EXT. STREET - CONTINUING
    Jim runs like hell.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
    Nadia unzips her duffel, pulling some clothes out.
    EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
    Jim trucks across the lawn to the door.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Kevin and Finch are watching the computer screen.
                        KEVIN
              Want a beer?
    Finch simply waves off the question.  He's glued to the
    screen.
    Jim bursts into the room, breathless.
                        JIM
              Did I miss anything?!
                        KEVIN
              Just in time.
    Jim grabs a seat by the computer.  All three guys watch,
    transfixed.  Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.
                        JIM
              Woah!
    Nadia's leotard is off.  Bra and panties.  Outstanding
    body.
    INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM'S BEDROOM and the guys around the
    computer screen in Kevin's Bedroom.
    Nadia pauses.  Looks in Jim's full-length mirror.
    Admiring her body.
                        KEVIN
              Oh, man!  This is incredible.
    And...yes!  Nadia peels off her sportsbra.  Supple
    breasts.  The guys are awestruck.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              I can't believe Oz had to work.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY
    Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area.  He
    sighs, leafing through some sheet music.  It's as quiet
    and boring as can be.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
    Stifler and his brother are awestruck.
                        STIFLER'S BROTHER
              This is like the coolest thing I've
              ever seen.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
                        JIM
              Oh, thank you Lord, for this wonderful
              day.
    Nadia still primps in the mirror.  Then she looks around.
    Very carefully, she pokes through the stuff on Jim's
    night table.
                        JIM (cont'd)
              Hey!  You can't touch my stuff!
    Nadia opens the night table.  Stops.  Jim flushes.  Nadia
    delicately reaches into the night table as Jim crumbles.
                        JIM (cont'd)
              Oh no no no.
    She pulls out the stack of porno magazines.
                        KEVIN
              Nice collection there, Jim.
    Nadia takes a PENTHOUSE.  Starts thumbing through it.
    She sits on Jim's bed.  Lingering on some pages.  Getting
    aroused.
                        JIM
              Dear God -- she's -- she's -- she's --
    Welcome to every man's fantasy.  Nadia's hand wanders
    into her panties.
                        JIM (cont'd)
              Gentlemen, I'd like to make an
              announcement.  There is a gorgeous
              woman masturbating on my bed.
    The guys watch, completely blown away.  Nadia's lost
    herself.
                        KEVIN
              You know, Jim...you could go back
              there...and...
                        FINCH
                  (nodding)
              Seduce her.
                        JIM
              But, but -- what would I do?
                        KEVIN
              Anything!  Just tell her it looks like
              she needs an extra hand or something.
                        JIM
              That's stupid.
                        KEVIN
              No, you're stupid.  Get going!  Right
              now!  She's primed!
                        JIM
              Oh...oh...oh, shit!
    He BOLTS across the room.
    EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - DAY
    Jim sprints across the lawn.
    EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUING
    Jim leaps over a row of bushes.  Wipes out.  Gets up and
    keeps running.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUING
    Jim crashes into the house and runs past his bewildered
    parents.
                        JIM
              Hey mom hey dad!
    He rushes up the stairs.  Jim's Dad looks hopeful.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING
    Jim stops outside his door, catching his breath.  He can
    hear FAINT MOANING from inside.  He's hesitating.
                        JIM
              Oh boy oh God oh crap oh no.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
                        KEVIN
              Come on, Jim.  Where are you?
    The PHONE RINGS.  Kevin answers.
                        KEVIN (cont'd)
                  (into phone)
              Hello?  Hey Sherman...what?!  How did
              you know?
    INT. SHERMAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
    Sherman sits in front of a computer.
                        SHERMAN
                  (into phone)
              Jim must've addressed that E-mail
              wrong.  It went out to every mailbox
              in the East High directory.  God, how
              juvenile.
    INT. COMPUTER NERD'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
    A COMPUTER NERD, 14, is at his computer.  Watching
    NadiaVision.  Mouth open.  Braces shining.
    INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
    A GROUP OF STONERS log onto the page.  A LITTLE MONKEY
    hops around in a cage.
                        STONER #1
              Whoa.
                        STONER #2
              Kind.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING
    Jim still waits outside his bedroom door.  Takes a deep
    breath.  Looks upwards to the sky.
                        JIM
              Please, God.  Let this be it.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        KEVIN
              He's going in!
    INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY
    We see a bedroom full of GUYS.
                        GUY #1
              There's somebody going in there!
    INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
                        STONER #1
              Hey, that guy's in my trig class.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim stands there, bewildered.  Nadia hasn't noticed him,
    eyes closed, still pleasuring herself.  Jim stands there,
    watching, faltering.  Gathers his courage.  Finally, he
    rolls his eyes and says --
                        JIM
              Looks like you could use an extra
              hand.
    Nadia's eyes flash open.
                        NADIA
                  (chastising)
              James!  You have come in here on
              purpose?!
                        JIM
              Well...uh...
                        NADIA
              Shame on you!
                        JIM
              Uh...yeah...sorry.
                        NADIA
              Well.  You have seen me.  Now it is my
              turn to see you.  Strip.
                        JIM
              Strip?
                        NADIA
              Yes, slowly.
    Jim sneaks a nervous glance over to the QuickCam.
                        JIM
              You mean like, strip strip?
                        NADIA
                  (irresistably sexy)
              For me?
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
                        FINCH
              What do you suppose they're saying?
                        KEVIN
              No idea.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
    Nadia leans over to Jim's clock radio.  Turns it on.  We
    hear COUNTRY MUSIC.  She flips the dial, and we hear A
    FEW STATIONS FLIP BY.  Then a DRIVING, EURO-TECHNO SONG.
                        NADIA
              Perfect.
    She turns to Jim.
                        JIM
              Uh...
                        NADIA
              Move with the music.
                        JIM
              Um...okay...
    He struts clumsily back and forth.  Takes his shirt off.
    Swings it in a circle around his head...and lets go of
    it, aiming for the QuickCam, where it lands.
                        NADIA
              No, no, you must put your whole body
              into it.
                        JIM
              Nadia, I can't --
                        NADIA
              Can't what?  Do you not want to be
              with me?  I wish to be entertained,
              James.
    Jim nods eagerly.  Concentrates on the music...as we see
    the shirt slide off the camera.  Jim starts writhing to
    the beat.  Like a hyperactive chicken.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
                        STIFLER
              What the fuck is this?
    INT. SHERMAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
                        SHERMAN
              The horror, the horror.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
    Jim is into it now.  Possibly the worst dancer in the
    world.  No rhythm.  No soul.
    INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
                        STONER #2
              God, what a buzzkill.
    INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
    A GROUP OF GIRLS watches in amusement.
                        GIRL IN BEDROOM
              Work it, baby!
    The LAUGH and dance mockingly along with Jim.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
    Jim tugs off his pants, dancing and tripping on them.
                        NADIA
                  (turned on)
              More sexy, Jim, more sexy.
    Jim is clearly excited by Nadia's prodding.  He does some
    pathetically ridiculous move with his pants, sliding them
    around his chest and neck.
    INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
    A GROUP OF GIRLS is watching.
                        DISINTERESTED GIRL
              He's no Paul Finch.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
    Kevin and Finch are now completely sickened.
                        FINCH
              This is truly revolting.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
    Jim is straddled over a chair, grinding against the chair
    back, in his boxers and shorts.
                        NADIA
                  (getting really turned on)
              More, more, you bad boy!
    Jim starts spanking his ass as he gyrates.
    INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
    The guys are all trying not to watch, yet still drawn to
    the computer.
                        GUY #1
              Ugh...God...
    INT. JIM'S COMPUTER - DAY - CONTINUING
                        NADIA
              Now!  Hames, come to me.
                        JIM
              Oh yeah!
    Jim dances over to her.  She pulls him onto the bed.
    Kisses his neck.  Takes his hand.  Places it on her
    thigh.
                        NADIA
              Be gentle.
    Jim GULPS.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        KEVIN
              Ho-lee shit.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
                        STIFLER
              This just got a hell of a lot better.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim's hand wanders up Nadia's leg.  She does the same to
    him.  Blows in his ear.  Her hand is about to enter his
    shorts.
    And Jim is done.  Bang.  That's it.
    He looks down at himself in terror.  Nadia sees.  Backs
    away.
                        NADIA
              Jim...
                        JIM
              Oh no.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        KEVIN
              Oh no.
    INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
    The stoners look...well, stoned.
                        STONER #1
              Bummer.
    INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
    The girls are LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
    INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        STIFLER'S BROTHER
              What happened?!  What happened?!
                        STIFLER
              He blew it.  Literally.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Nadia is getting dressed.
                        NADIA
              You are done, James.  Perhaps I should
              be going now.
                        JIM
              No, no, I'm not done!  I've got
              reserves!  Nadia, please please
              please.  I'm begging you.
    She sees the desperation in his eyes.  Thinks about it.
    Smiles.
                        NADIA
              I do like your dirty magazines.
    Jim digs into the stack of pornos.  Grabs SHAVED.
                        JIM
              Did you see this?  This is your more
              exotic dirty magazine.
                        NADIA
              Yes...James, it is knowing that these
              beautiful women arouse you that
              arouses me...
                        JIM
              Oh yes.  Very arousing women.  They
              arouse me very much.  But not as
              arousing as you.
    She goes for this line.  Gives in.
                        NADIA
              Oh Jim...
    She grabs him.  Starts caressing his body.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        KEVIN/FINCH
              Yes!!
    INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
                        STONER #1
              Alright, dude!
    INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY
                        GUY #1
              He's re-engaging!
    A CHEER goes up as the guys CELEBRATE.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Groping.  They're tangled in each other.  Nadia backs off
    for a moment.  Slowly, teasing, she hooks her thumbs in
    the sides of her panties.  Starts sliding them down.
                        NADIA
              So, "shaved" is the expression?
    CLOSE UP on Jim as his eyes bug out.  Yep, it is, and she
    is.
                        JIM
                  (mutters)
              Holy shit.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        KEVIN
              Holy shit!
    INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY
                        ALL THE GUYS
                  (unison)
              HOLY SHIT!
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim is stuck.  Staring at Nadia.  She moves towards him.
    Nadia is inches from his face.
                        NADIA
              Touch me Jim...here.
    Jim is trembling, straining with himself.  A shudder runs
    through him.
    And it's over, again.
    INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
    The girls are LAUGHING again.
                        GIRLS
              Again?
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        KEVIN
              Not again.
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
                        JIM
              No, not again.
                        NADIA
                  (sighs)
              I am sorry, Jim.  I suppose we will
              not be doing any studying now.
                        JIM
              No!  I've got...reserve reserves!
    Nadia starts getting dressed.  Jim is whimpering.
                        NADIA
              It is too bad.  I was at first hoping
              you would ask me to the prom.  But...
    She gathers her things.  Eyes Jim over.
                        NADIA (cont'd)
              You should change your shorts.
                        JIM
              ...okay.
    Jim is stunned.  Ruined.  Nadia exits.  CLOSE on Jim's
    tormented face as we hear...
                        COMPUTER VOICE
              "You have lost your internet
              connection.  Click 'okay' to
              reconnect."
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY
    Jim is walking through the courtyard, a bit dazed.  A
    COUPLE GIRLS pass by him, giggling.  He trudges
    along...noticing a CLIQUE OF GIRLS staring at him as he
    passes by...and Stoner #1 giving him a peace sign...and
    the Computer Nerd staring at him like a celebrity......
    Jim's pace slows.  He hears a SNICKER behind him...he
    slows even more, taking very careful steps...as he sees a
    GIRL doing a really strange dance -- and his eyes pop out
    as he sees that, yes, it's his dance.  He stops.  ALMOST
    EVERYONE is staring at him.  Jim pulls his coat up over
    his face and hurries off into the school, like a fugitive
    avoiding the media.  People APPLAUD and LAUGH.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY
    Kevin and Oz catch up to Jim.  Here and there, people
    still give Jim funny looks.
                        KEVIN
              Hey, minuteman.
                        JIM
              Shut up.  You're supposed to be
              supportive.
                        OZ
              You've still got a chance with Nadia,
              right?
                        JIM
              No.  Her sponsors here saw the thing
              on the net.  I don't think they liked
              it.
                        KEVIN
              How do you know that?
                        JIM
              She's already on a plane back home.
    Kevin winces.
                        JIM (cont'd)
              You know, maybe I'm just not good with
              girls, period.  Like I was born
              without that part of the brain.  I
              mean, I can't talk to girls.  And when
              I do talk to them, I screw it up.
                        KEVIN
              Yeah?  Well come prom night, those
              excuses aren't going to do you much
              good.
                        JIM
              Jesus, Kevin, rub it in.
    A nearby OLD JANITOR starts GUFFAWING at Jim as he walks
    by.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
    Jim sits, waiting for class to start.  Miserable.  Some
    students are obviously talking about him in the
    background.  Others study and chat.
    Next to Jim is Michelle -- the reject, band dork that
    we've seen earlier.  She's got a flute case on her desk.
    She's blabbering to Jim.  The kind of blabbering where
    every other sentence sounds like a question, even though
    it isn't.
                        MICHELLE
              And so, one time?  I was at band camp?
              And we weren't supposed to have pillow
              fights?  But we had a pillow fight!
              And it was so much fun!
    Jim couldn't care.
                        MICHELLE (cont'd)
              And one time, we all lost our music?
              And we were supposed to play this
              song?  But we didn't know it.  So we
              just made it up!  And we kept playing
              and playing but the conductor didn't
              know what we were doing and it was so
              funny!
    Jim looks wistfully over at Nadia's empty desk.
                        MICHELLE (cont'd)
              So you're pissed about something, huh?
              You know what I do when I'm angry?  I
              just play some Bach on my flute.  It's
              so relaxing.  I learned to do that at
              band camp.
    Jim perks up the slightest bit.
                        JIM
              Hold on.  You have no idea why I'm
              angry?
                        MICHELLE
              Is it because we have a test tomorrow?
              Sometimes I get cranky when I know I
              have a big test to study for.
                        JIM
              Yeah, that's pretty much it.
                        MICHELLE
              I thought so.  Because, one time?  I
              was at this --
                        JIM
                  (interrupting)
              What was your name again?
                        MICHELLE
              Michelle.
                        JIM
              Okay.  Michelle, do you want to be my
              date for the prom?
                        MICHELLE
              Really?  You seriously want to go with
              me?
                        JIM
                  (so forced)
              Yes.  Seriously.
                        MICHELLE
              Are we going to Steve Stifler's party
              afterwards?  That would be so cool.
                        JIM
              Whatever you want.
                        MICHELLE
              Cool!  We're gonna have so much fun!
              It's like this one time, at band
              camp...
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER
    Heather is walking down the hall.  She turns to go into
    the Little Auditorium -- and through the window in the
    door she sees Oz.  She stops.
    Oz is singing, working through the solo.  Determined to
    get it right.  He bounces his lacrosse ball off the
    floor, in rhythm, keeping time.  There's one point that
    he keeps getting stuck at and going back over.  Heather
    watches this, softening as she sees that Oz is actually
    putting his heart into it.  Finally he's frustrated --
                        OZ
              Dammit!
    He whips the lacrosse ball at the wall.  Heather recoils,
    still watching, unseen by Oz.  After a moment, Oz cools
    off.  He gets the ball, and diligently starts up again.
    Heather is impressed.
    INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Vicky is doing calculus homework, as Kevin looks on,
    rubbing her shoulders.
                        KEVIN
              You're not doing the extra credit
              problems.
                        VICKY
              No, I'm not.  I'm writing a sequence
              of random numbers that look like I'm
              doing the extra credit problems.  Mr.
              Bender doesn't bother to check
              homework past April.
                        KEVIN
              That's my trick!
                        VICKY
              It's everyone's trick, Kevin.
                  (she turns to him)
              But I did pick it up from you.
    She gives him a little kiss on his hand, continuing with
    her work.  Kevin keeps rubbing her back, more serious.
                        KEVIN
              We've come a long way since
              Homecoming.
                        VICKY
                  (playful)
              Yeah, we have.  You corrupted my four-
              point into a three-nine-five.
                        KEVIN
              Indeed I did.  But, our relationship.
              It's progressed a lot.  It's time for
              us to...express ourselves in new ways.
    Vicky stops working and turns, sitting up on the desk,
    facing him.  Her mood has shifted, more romantic.
                        VICKY
              Like how?
                        KEVIN
              Well, I feel that...things are getting
              to that point in a relationship.
              When two people share...a special
              moment between them.
                        VICKY
              I think you're so right, Kevin.
                        KEVIN
                  (pause)
              You want to do it?
                        VICKY
              Yes --
    She takes his hand.  Readies herself, and declares.
                        VICKY (CONT'D)
              I love you.
    Kevin falters.  This is definitely not what he was
    expecting.  He's caught.  Trying to formulate a response.
                        VICKY (CONT'D)
              Kevin?  Do you not love me?
                        KEVIN
              No, I don't not love you.  I like, I
              know that we've definitely got
              something between us.  Something good.
              Something special.
                        VICKY
              But you don't love me.
                        KEVIN
              I didn't say that.  I mean, love, it's
              like a term that gets thrown around.
              People say things, they get married,
              have kids, and then what?  It's like
              they call it off, going "I was wrong."
    A beat.  Vicky seems to know where he's coming from.
                        VICKY
              Kevin...you're not your dad.  The two
              of us, we're not your parents.
                        KEVIN
              I know, Vick.  I'm just not ready yet,
              okay?
                        VICKY
              Okay.
    INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT
    Oz is closing up the store.  He looks up to see Heather
    at the door.  Oz goes and opens it, surprised,
    embarrassed.  The air is awkward between them.
                        HEATHER
              Hi...
                        OZ
              How did you know I was here?
                        HEATHER
              Stifler told me.
                        OZ
              You talked to Stifler?
                        HEATHER
              Well...I needed to find you.  We are
              gonna have to practice that song.
                        OZ
              ...okay.  Cool then.  I'm um, I'm glad
              you came by.  I mean, really.
    She smiles.  Oz lets her in.
                        HEATHER
              So you like, work nights?
    An uncomfortable moment for Oz.
                        OZ
              Uh...my dad's the manager.
                        HEATHER
              Really?  Cool.  Tell him his subs are
              great.
                        OZ
              Ah, he's always too heavy on the
              vinegar.  If you really want a good
              one, you gotta let me make it.
    INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
    Oz is behind the counter.  Heather walks down the other
    side as Oz assembles a sub.
                        OZ
              My dad's always here running the
              store, busy and stuff...and I fill in
              once a week so he can get a night off.
                        HEATHER
                  (pause)
              That's nice.
                        OZ
                  (shrugs)
              So you're going to Michigan?
                        HEATHER
              Yeah, well my parents wanted me to go
              to Northwestern.  I didn't want to
              write all those extra essays they make
              you do -- I mean, how am I supposed to
              know what my "most emotionally
              significant moment" was?  So when my U
              of M acceptance came in December, I
              said the hell with it.
                        OZ
              Onions?
                        HEATHER
              What?
                        OZ
              You want onions?
                        HEATHER
              Oh, yeah.  So what're you gonna major
              in?
                        OZ
              Well, State's got a good business
              school.  And I can probably walk onto
              the lacrosse team.  Green peppers?
                        HEATHER
              Yeah.  So wow, you've got it figured
              out.
                        OZ
                  (dismissive)
              Well, I mean, business is okay, and
              lacrosse is awesome, but what am I
              gonna be, a pro lacrosse player?  I
              really have no idea.
                        HEATHER
              Oh thank God, I thought I was the only
              one.
                        OZ
              Well, you're not.  Oil and vinegar?
                        HEATHER
              Yeah.  You know, people are always
              like, "What're you gonna major in?"
              And I don't know.  And they're like,
              "You'll figure it out."  Yeah?  When?
                        OZ
              I know.  Salt and pepper?
                        HEATHER
              Sure.
    Oz cuts the sub in half with a flourish and puts it on a
    tray.
                        HEATHER (CONT'D)
              So we're gonna be close next year?
                        OZ
              You -- oh, you mean -- yeah, East
              Lansing and Ann Arbor.
                        HEATHER
                  (smiles)
              ...yeah.
    A beat...a little uncomfortable, but nice.
                        OZ
              Wanna swap your chips for cookies?
    EXT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - LATER
    The remains of a couple subs are on a table.  Oz and
    Heather are doing their song...it's rough, but they're
    working through it.  And when they're in sync, they sound
    really good together.  We SLOWLY PULL BACK as they sing
    into the night.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MURAL STAIRCASE - DAY
    A GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH talks to Stifler.
                        GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
              I'm sorry, I really can't go with
              you...I'm holding out for someone
              else.
                        STIFLER
              You gotta be fucking kidding.
                        GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
              I know it's a long shot, but I figure
              Paul Finch might ask me.
                        STIFLER
              FINCH?  SHITBREAK?!!
                        GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
              Oh gosh, I forgot -- you uh, you look
              okay...I mean you can't even tell...
    Flustered, she heads down the stairs.  Stifler, entirely
    confused, heads off into the second floor.  As the Girl
    Holding Out For Finch descends, Kevin catches up with
    her.
                        KEVIN
              Hey...what was that all about?
                        GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
              He's still embarrassed because Finch
              kicked his ass.  Knocked out a tooth,
              but you can't see it.
                        KEVIN
              Right, and who told you that?
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY
    Kevin is talking to GRETA.  She points offscreen.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LIBRARY - DAY
    Kevin is talking to SOME CHICK.  Taking notes.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - OUTDOOR MURAL - DAY
    Kevin is talking to YET ANOTHER GIRL.  We see that his
    notepad is a spiderweb of girl's names, all interlinked
    with arrows.  They all point to one girl's name in the
    center of the page -- Jessica.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
    Kevin follows Jessica down the cafeteria line.
                        JESSICA
              No comment.
                        KEVIN
              No comment?!  Are you kidding me?!
              I've never seen someone's image change
              so...so drastically!
                        JESSICA
              Thanks.  It was my idea.
                        KEVIN
              Did you guys hook up or something?
                        JESSICA
              Are you kidding?  No.
                        KEVIN
              Then what the hell are you talking
              about?
                        JESSICA
              Well...I guess it's okay for me to
              tell you now.  That reputation of his
              isn't going anywhere.
                  (then)
              Finch comes to me and says, "Jessica,
              I need help with this, blah blah,
              etcetera."  So I told him, pay me two-
              hundred bucks, and I'll tell a couple
              girls that you're dynamite in bed.  So
              he did, and I did.
                        KEVIN
              I don't get it, that really works?
                        JESSICA
              Duh.  Of course.  Naturally, I
              embellished a little bit.  Hey, did
              you hear that Finch had sex with an
              older woman?
    Kevin is speechless.
                        JESSICA (CONT'D)
              No?  Damn, that one was my favorite.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GUY'S SHOWERS/LOCKER ROOM - DAY
    Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT
    FALLS LACROSSE CHANT.  They exit frame, and we remain on
    the showers, to hear --
                        OZ
                  (singing happily)
              ...I needed the shelter of someone's
              arms...there you were -- woo-hoo-
              hoo...
    He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to
    Stifler.
                        OZ (CONT'D)
                  (still singing)
              ...I needed someone to understand my
              ups and my downs, oh baby there you
              were...
    Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.
                        STIFLER
              Oh my fucking God.  You're gay.
                        OZ
                  (cheery)
              Come on, you know the words, sing
              along.
                        STIFLER
              No thanks, you've been singing that
              shit all week.  If you try that at MSU
              this Saturday, I'm pretending I don't
              know you.
    Oz stops.
                        OZ
              Our last game is this Saturday.
                        STIFLER
              No shit.
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD, A BENCH - LATER
    Heather is studying outside.  Oz stands before her,
    breathless, his hair still wet.
                        OZ
              ...I've got this lacrosse game.  It's
              really important, it's our last game.
              And you know, Central almost beat us
              last time, so I really want to kick
              their ass, and it's like cool because
              we're gonna get to play at State,
              which means that after the game I
              might be able to stop by...
                        HEATHER
                  (pause)
              You can't sing at the competition.
                        OZ
              I'm sorry, I totally spaced.  I
              just...I didn't realize it...
                        HEATHER
                  (upset but trying to be cool)
              ...it's okay, you should do whatever
              makes you happy.
                        OZ
              Alright...yeah...thanks for
              understanding.
                  (a beat)
              So I guess...I'll see you later.
    An uncomfortable moment.  Oz walks off.  Heather looks
    let down.
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - ENTRANCE TO SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
    Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class.  Stifler
    comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.
                        STIFLER
              Kevin!  You seen Shitbreak lately?
                        KEVIN
                  (immediately sensing danger)
              Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?
                        STIFLER
              Me?  Nothing.  I'm the one whose ass
              he kicked.
                  (off Kevin's look)
              I'll tell you one thing, though.  I
              don't think he's gonna have a problem
              shitting in school anymore.
    Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION
    LAXATIVE, maniacally LAUGHING.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
    Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper.  Kevin
    comes tearing around the corner and runs up to him.
                        KEVIN
              Finch!  Get to the bathroom!  Now!
                        FINCH
              Easy, tiger.  What's in there?
                        KEVIN
              Just go!
                        FINCH
              Why is this?
                        KEVIN
              You're gonna shit your pants!
                        FINCH
              Charming.
                        KEVIN
              Finch, listen -- Stifler slipped some
              sort of laxative in your Mocash-chino
              or whatever.  It's fast acting.  I
              mean really fast.
                        FINCH
              First of all, it's Mochaccino, and
              secondly...Oohhhh!
    Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - CONTINUING
    We FOLLOW with Finch.  We see Stifler down the hall,
    holding open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.
                        STIFLER
              This way, sit.
    Finch darts into the bathroom.  Stifler LAUGHS
    hysterically.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
    Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
    Finch has stopped.  He's staring down at the toilet.  It
    looks entirely uninviting.  But he's straining,
    struggling, starting to dance around, moaning as he
    cramps up.
    He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with
    it.  Then another, and another.  Sweat drips off his
    forehead.
                        FINCH
              Come on come on come on...
    He's got the seat lined with at least three layers of
    toilet paper.  Notices a spot where there's still bare
    toilet seat.  He tears off one square of toilet paper,
    placing it on the spot.  He steps back and looks it over,
    still wriggling to contain his bowels.
                        FINCH (CONT'D)
              Okay.  You can do this.
    He unbuckles his pants.  Sits down -- just as we hear
    someone enter the bathroom.  Finch, still restraining,
    listens for a moment...only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK
    of heels.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY
    The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal
    symbol for "Women."  Stifler is there, LAUGHING even
    harder.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
    Finch is terrified.  Through the crack between the stall
    door and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright
    colored skirts and dresses.  He grits his teeth,
    straining.
    And a GURGLE comes from Finch's stomach.  His eyes bulge.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
    A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl
    Holding Out for Finch, fixing their hair.
                        GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
              You know it's just gonna be some
              crappy band and stupid decorations.
                        GIRL #2
              You're just saying that cause prom's a
              week away and you don't have a date.
                        GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
              No, I don't want a date...
                  (increasingly dreamy)
              Finch is going stag...and so am
              I...the guy is like so...debonair.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
    Finch is in hell.  Desperately trying not to shit.
    Holding it in for all he's worth.
    INT. BATHROOM - DAY
                        GIRL #2
              Do you think that "older woman" thing
              is true?
                        GIRL #3
              Of course, it was Stifler's mom.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
    Pure agony.  Finch is sweating badly.  Every muscle in
    his body is tensed.  Tears stream from his fiercely shut
    eyes.
    A gastric RUMBLING.  Finch's eyes flash open in terror.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
    We hear another, deeper RUMBLING.  Girl #2 turns to her
    friend in surprise.
                        GIRL #2
              Joanie, was that you?
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
    Finch is struggling.  Rocking back and forth.  But it's
    no use.  He's at his limit.
                        FINCH
              Aaaaaaarrrgghhhh!
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
    The girls at the mirror freeze -- and we hear what can
    only be the SOUND OF DIARRHEA exploding into a toilet
    bowl.
    The girls run out SCREAMING and LAUGHING.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER
    Finch exits the stall with trepidation, pulling up his
    pants.  Slowly, slinking, he approaches the door.  Grabs
    the handle.  Composes himself.  And like nothing ever
    happened, he opens it.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY
    Finch comes out of the bathroom.  Stops.  His eyes
    register complete disbelief.
    A SEMI-CIRCLE OF GIRLS, including the ones we have seen
    gossiping about him, has crowded around the door.  All
    staring at him with complete repugnance, open-mouthed.
                                                      DISSOLVE TO:
    EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY
    Oz is playing in the final lacrosse game.  The team
    scores -- they're beating Central.  Everyone cheers,
    except Oz.  We see Jim and Kevin in the stands, CHEERING.
    EXT. MUSIC HALL (MSU) - DAY
    Establishing.  The campus of Michigan State University.
    Students pass in front of an older, impressive university
    building.
    A sign out front reads, "MICHIGAN STATEWIDE VOCAL
    COMPETITION."
    INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY
    Heather and the rest of the vocal jazz group are behind
    the curtain.
    They all wear flashy, borderline cool outfits.  Heather
    looks worried, lost.  Looking to the door, as if Oz might
    come running in.
                        VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
              Okay.  Albert, you ready?
    ALBERT steps next to Heather.  He's kind of funny-
    looking, with an overly-suave attitude that comes off as
    plain weird.
                        ALBERT
              No problemo.
    He SINGS a couple lines.  Way too melodramatic and
    cheesy.  Heather looks trapped.
    EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY
    A scoreboard shows that East is leading by five goals.
    Oz is running up the field, towards the goal, cradling
    the ball in his stick.  He seems to have a good lead.
    Suddenly he is tumbling, falling, losing the ball.
    Someone has checked him.  He lays stunned on the ground,
    as Stifler recovers the ball and scores.
    The players run back to the sidelines to reset for the
    face-off, and gather around the coach.
                        COACH MARSHALL
              Alright!  Good hustle, guys, but we
              can still lose.  You all saw what
              happened to Oz out there.  I don't
              ever want to see you guys thinking
              you're gonna score.  You don't score
              until you score, period.
    The team is getting into it.  Shouts of "Hell yeah!"  But
    Oz's got a quizzical look on his face.
    INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY
    Heather waits with the group to go onstage.  Albert paces
    like a Shakespearean actor, psyching himself.
                        ALBERT
              Focus on the music.  Think melody.
              Let the music be my guide.
                        HEATHER
              That would be a start.
    EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY
    Oz shows some emotion peeking through.  Confused.
                        COACH MARSHALL
              It all boils down to today.  For you
              seniors, this marks the culmination of
              your past four years.  Think of what
              that means to you.  Are you guys gonna
              look back on your days at East and
              know that you made the most of the
              time you had?
    A wave of realization washes over Oz.  He stands up tall.
                        COACH MARSHALL (cont'd)
              Now that's the attitude, Ostreicher!
    Oz collects himself.  Takes a deep breath.
                        OZ
              Good luck, guys.
    he sets his lacrosse stick down and starts to leave.
                        COACH MARSHALL
              Christ!  I didn't say you were out of
              the game!
                        OZ
              Sorry, coach.
                        COACH MARSHALL
              What the fuck is this?  You got
              someplace more important to be?
    Coach Marshall is fuming.  The entire team is staring at
    Oz.
                        OZ
              Yeah.
    He runs off.
    ANGLE ON JIM AND KEVIN IN THE STANDS
    A beat of confusion.  Then they stand up.
    EXT. MSU CAMPUS - DAY
    Oz runs through a gate.
    INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY
    The vocal jazz group is on their feet, lined up, waiting
    to go onstage.  Oz bursts into the room, still in his
    lacrosse gear.
                        VOCAL JAZZ GUYS
              Oz -- You're back -- Yeah --
                        ALBERT
              -- Oh, great.
    Oz rushes up to Heather.  She's happy but confused.
                        HEATHER
              What about the game?!
                        OZ
              I'm not playing.
                        HEATHER
              You're missing the game for us?!
                        OZ
              No.  I'm missing the game for you.
    Heather melts.  Oz pulls her close.  And they kiss.
                        VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
              Okay, okay.  You guys got about a
              minute to go.  Spend it warming up,
              not making out.  This ain't the prom
              yet.
    Oz and Heather share a smile.
    INT. MUSIC HALL STAGE - DAY
    The vocal jazz group is belting their hearts out, singing
    "How Sweet It Is."  Oz sings with them now in his vocal
    jazz outfit...we TILT DOWN to see he's still wearing his
    cleats.  He and Heather sound great, backed by the vocal
    jazz group.  They sail through their duet, join hands,
    and finish perfectly.  The audience APPLAUDS with
    enthusiasm -- and we Kevin and Jim, WHOOPING AND
    CLAPPING, loving it, like they're at a rock concert.
                        JIM
              Yeeeeeeeaaaawwwwww!
                        KEVIN
                  (gives that "You rock!" hand
                   sign)
              You fuckin' rule!
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - CLASSROOM - DAY
    Class has just ended, students are filing out of the
    classroom.  A teacher grades papers in the back of the
    room, routinely writing "A, A-, A, A-" on each paper.
    Vicky is studying a pull-down map hanging over the
    chalkboard.  Kevin comes up next to her.
                        KEVIN
              Hey...
                        VICKY
              Did you know that it's...450 miles
              from Ann Arbor to Nashville?
                        KEVIN
              It's like a six or seven hour drive.
              That's easy, I don't mind driving.
    A beat.  Kevin looks back over his shoulder to the
    inattentive teacher.  Moves closer to Vicky.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              About the other day...I've been
              thinking.
                        VICKY
              So have I.  And I know you want to
              make things perfect for me.  And I
              understand that you really wouldn't
              tell me that until you were 100%
              comfortable with it.
    Vicky looks over to the teacher, who COUGHS.  She steps
    closer.  Kevin, somewhat nervous, takes the bottom of the
    map, fidgeting with it a little.
                        VICKY (CONT'D)
              And I want to make things perfect for
              you.  You're right, Kev, we do have
              something good...and special.
                        KEVIN
              Yeah, we have something great, Vick.
                        VICKY
              Kevin...
                  (very close, whispered)
              I want to have sex with you.
    The map goes FLAPPING upwards.  The teacher looks up.
                        KEVIN
                  (almost frightened)
              Now?!
                        VICKY
              No...I know the perfect time...
    She looks to the calendar on the wall...and taps next
    Saturday -- "Prom."  Kevin can't believe it...MUSIC UP
    for PRE-PROM MONTAGE --
    INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY
    Jim is trying on a tux.  he shrugs, like it fits well
    enough.
    He turns to see Oz trying on his -- Oz is fidgeting,
    trying on different ties, vests, shoes, very sincere and
    focused.
    INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Vicky is trying on a rather elegant dress, looking to
    Jessica for support, showing it off.  Jessica jokingly
    does the same, showing off her shorts and T-shirt, as if
    she could care.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY
    Finch sits alone.  Not like alone.  More like Forrest
    Gump.
    INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY
    Jim is paying for his tux.  We see Oz trying to decide on
    a cumberbund.  There are about ten of them scattered
    around him that he's already tried.  In the background,
    an ATTENDANT looks impatient.
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY
    Finch still sits.  His head is cocked at a different
    angle.
    INT. JIM'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
    Jim's dad fixes Jim's bow tie.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (END MONTAGE)
    Kevin is in his tux.  He's staring at himself in the
    mirror.
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT
    The parking lot is full.  VARIOUS FORMALLY DRESSED
    STUDENTS make their way into the school.  One group piles
    out of a stretch limo.  We see a STEALTHY STUDENT slip a
    bottle of liquor into his tux.  A FLUSTERED GUY struggles
    to re-attach his date's corsage.
    This is the prom.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT
    The gym is decorated in a clashingly festive manner.
    Like a combination of Mardi Gras, New Year's Eve, and
    somebody's bar mitzvah.  A CRAPPY BAND plays CRAPPY
    IMITATION ROCK MUSIC.
    Most students mill about, talking, generally bored.  The
    only people who are enjoying themselves are the OBVIOUSLY
    DRUNK STUDENTS, slam-dancing with the obviously drunk
    Stifler in a corner.  CHAPERONE PARENTS try to calm them
    down, futilely.
    The band breaks into a CHEESY BALLAD.  Couples lock
    together and sway back and forth like zombies.
    ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE
    They're dancing at arm's length.  Jim is not enthused.
                        MICHELLE
              You know, at band camp?  We have
              dances like this.  Only they're way
              funner.  Don't you think prom is just
              highly overrated?
                        JIM
              Highly, highly overrated.
    ANGLE ON KEVIN AND VICKY
    They dance.  Both looking a little nervous.  Anxious.
    ANGLE ON OZ AND HEATHER
    Dancing much slower than anyone else.  Tight embrace.
    Heather's got her head on his shoulder, eyes closed.
    ANGLE ON STIFLER
    Dancing with the Girl Holding out For Finch.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - A CORNER OF THE GYM - NIGHT
    Kevin, Oz, Jim, and Finch are hanging out.  Finch is
    drunk.
                        FINCH
              Okay.  I'm here for your dumb...dumb
              meeting.
    Sherman passes by.
                        SHERMAN
              I'm on the offensive, boys.  The
              Sherman Tank is going back in.
    The guys are impassive.  Sherman indicates the Central
    Girl nearby.
                        SHERMAN (CONT'D)
              Locked on target, flying in stealth
              mode under enemy sex radar.  Ready to
              drop the payload...again.
    Sherman confidently walks off.
                        KEVIN
              Alright, how do you guys stand?  Well,
              Finch, I know where you are, but you
              can't use that as an excuse.  Jim?
                        JIM
              My date's a flute-toting band dork.
              That answer your question?
                        KEVIN
              Oz, how about you and Heather?  Now
              you guys are a couple or something?
                        OZ
                  (getting ticked)
              Dammit, Kevin, what's with the
              attitude?
                        KEVIN
              Attitude?  Me?  I think that you guys
              should be more enthusiastic.  Shit,
              we've been trying to get laid forever,
              and tonight's the night we've been
              waiting for.  We're in this together.
              Don't back out on me now!
                        JIM
              Back out?  You don't need us to get
              laid.  You afraid or something?
                        KEVIN
              No, but come on guys, we made a pact!
                        OZ
              Kevin, it was just a --
                        KEVIN
              It was a pact.  You break it and there
              are no excuses.  You guys have to --
                        JIM
                  (interrupting, pissed)
              I don't have to do shit!  Forget it
              already!
    Kevin is taken aback.
                        JIM (cont'd)
              I'm tired of all this bullshit
              pressure!  I mean, I've never even had
              sex and already I can't stand it!  I
              hate sex!  I don't want it, I've never
              wanted it, and I'm not gonna sit here
              busting my balls over something that
              just isn't that damn important!  So
              fuck this stupid pact, fuck you, and
              fuck sex!  Now, I'm gonna go hang out
              with that geek over there, 'cause at
              least she's got something else to talk
              about besides sex!  God damn!
    Kevin storms off.  A beat.
                        FINCH
              At least I learned how to shit in
              school.
    Jessica approaches.  She's dressed well, but not
    lavishly.
                        JESSICA
              Hey, Finch.  Wanna dance?
    Finch looks to the guys.  They shrug.  We FOLLOW WITH
    Jessica and Finch as they dance out onto the floor.
                        FINCH
              How come you have no date?
                        JESSICA
              I like to keep my options open.  And
              let me just clarify that you have no
              chance of scoring with me, Finch.
                        FINCH
              No, of course not, don't be
              ridiculous.
    ANGLE ON VICKY AND CENTRAL GIRL
                        VICKY
              So, I guess you and Sherman are pretty
              close.  You met at that party a while
              back?
                        CENTRAL GIRL
              Yeah, we were up the whole night
              together.  We had one of those
              amazingly deep conversations, where
              you really feel like you get to know
              someone.
                        VICKY
                  (nudge, nudge)
              "Deep conversation," huh?  Is that
              what you guys call it?
                        CENTRAL GIRL
              What else would I call it?
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT
    Kevin sits on the steps into the school, depressed.
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT
    The Central Girl has taken over the band's microphone.
                        CENTRAL GIRL
              Excuse me, everyone, sorry to
              interrupt.
    Her voice reverberates throughout the gym.  A couple WOLF-
    WHISTLES.
                        CENTRAL GIRL (cont'd)
              I just wanted to let you all know
              this:  Chuck Sherman is a liar.  I
              never had sex with him.  He's never
              had sex with anyone -- I know because
              he told me.  Once, he tried to screw a
              grapefruit, but that's it.  Oh, and he
              also told me that sometimes when he
              gets nervous he wets his pants.  Thank
              you for your attention.
    Girls around the gym CHEER and APPLAUD.
    ANGLE ON SHERMAN
    Pissing his pants.
    ANGLE ON JIM
    Shocked.  He looks back to Oz, who shares his expression.
    EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT
    Kevin still sits there.  Jim, Oz, and Finch come out of
    the school.  Slowly they walk up to Kevin.
                        OZ
              ...Guess what?
                        KEVIN
              I don't care.
                        JIM
              Kevin, come on, the bus to Stifler's
              is gonna be here soon.
                        KEVIN
              I'm not going.
    A beat as the guys don't know what to say.  Kevin's
    speech is halting, downbeat.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              This isn't how I wanted things to turn
              out.  Making the pact wasn't just
              about getting laid.  It was about
              doing one last thing with you guys
              before we graduated.  But now I've
              just wasted my last few weeks here
              trying to do what?  I don't even know.
              All I managed to do was fuck up our
              friendship.
    A beat.  Oz shrugs.
                        OZ
              I still think you're okay.
                        JIM
              So do I, Kev.
                        FINCH
              Me too.  For the most part.
                        KEVIN
              Nah.  Fuck, you guys are right, I
              don't know what I'm doing.  I mean I'm
              acting like I've got it all together
              tonight.  But I know Vicky is gonna
              ask me if I love her.  And I don't
              know what I'm gonna say.  So now it's
              like, maybe I'll just wimp out on the
              whole thing.
                        JIM
              Come on man.  Tonight is the night.
              We're finally going to a post-prom
              party on the lake.  We've been waiting
              to do this for the last four years.
              Why else are we still friends with
              Stifler?  You gotta go.
    A beat as Kevin ponders this.
                        OZ
              And by the way, Sherman didn't even
              get laid.
                        KEVIN
              He didn't?
                        FINCH
              Nope.  He pissed himself.
    The guys LAUGH as Kevin is puzzled.  THEY are suddenly
    illuminated by the glare of headlights.  A charter bus
    pulls in front of the school.
                        JIM
              There it is.  I want to grab my bag.
              Oh, and my date.
                        OZ
              Come on, Kevin.  Vicky's looking for
              you.
    Jim holds out a helping hand.  Kevin looks at it.  Grabs
    it, and Jim pulls him up.
    EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
    A beautiful cottage on the shore of Lake Michigan.
    Students are filing out of the charter bus.
    Jim and Michelle are walking up to the cottage.
                        JIM
              Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.
                        MICHELLE
              It reminds me of this one time --
                  (changing thoughts)
              Hey, can I ask you a question?  How
              come you don't have any stories?  I've
              got lots of stories, and you don't
              have any.
                        JIM
              Oh, I've got stories, believe me.
              They're a little more risque than
              tales of Band Camp.
                        MICHELLE
              Are they gross or something, like guy
              stuff?  Tell me.
                        JIM
              Okay.  You want a story?  Here's a
              story.  Stifler finds this beer,
              right?  And...
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM
    Kevin leads Vicky into the bedroom.  A large bay window
    overlooks moonlit Lake Michigan.
                        KEVIN
              See -- this is the nicest room.
                        VICKY
              Wow, Kev...it's perfect.
    Vicky opens a closet -- to find Stifler's Little Brother
    inside, grinning.
                        STIFLER'S BROTHER
              You guys are gonna fuck, aren't you!?
                        KEVIN
              No!  Get out of here!
                        STIFLER'S BROTHER
                  (running out of the room)
              Fuckers fuckers fuckers fuckers!
    Stiflers brother is gone.  They LAUGH...and Vicky closes
    the door.
    EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
    Oz and Heather are walking down the beach.  Holding
    hands.  Deep in the background, we see kids partying.
                        OZ
              There's something I've been meaning to
              tell you, Heather.
                        HEATHER
              What's that?
                        OZ
              It's gonna sound really bad, but I
              want you to know.
    She nods.  They stop walking.  Oz swipes his feet around
    in the sand.
                        OZ (cont'd)
              See, uh, I'm a virgin.  And me, Kevin,
              Jim, and Finch, we all made this pact.
              That we would...lose our virginity...
              before high school was over.
    Heather is listening.
                        OZ (cont'd)
              And, see, tonight is supposed to be
              the night we all do it.
                        HEATHER
              This isn't the best way to proposition
              me.
                        OZ
              No, that's not what I mean.  I mean --
              look.  You know what made me leave
              that game?  Coach was giving this
              speech, about not slacking off when
              you see the opportunity to score.
                        HEATHER
              This isn't any better, Chris.
                        OZ
              No, see Heather, what I realized is
              that...with you, it's not like I'm
              running towards the goal, trying to
              figure out the best way to score.  And
              this may sound corny, but --
    He takes her hand.
                        OZ (cont'd)
              I feel like I've already won.
    Heather softens, taken off guard.
                        OZ (cont'd)
              And, well, I really care about you.  A
              lot.  And I want you to know that.
                        HEATHER
              Oz, it's okay, I know.
                        OZ
              You called me Oz.
                        HEATHER
              Well, that's what your friends call
              you.  I mean...I feel like I'm one of
              your friends now...and also...your
              girlfriend.
    Oz seems truly touched.
                        OZ
              Dieter.  My middle name is Dieter.
    Heather nods, and speaks pensively.
                        HEATHER
              Hmm.  You know that's
                  (cracking up)
              really a shitty middle name!
                        OZ
                  (laughing)
              I know, it sucks!
    Through their laughter, they kiss.  After a moment, it
    grows more passionate.  Lost in each other.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
    The party rages in the rest of the cottage, but the
    basement is empty.  STIFLER'S MOM sits in the corner,
    smoking a cigarette.  She's as attractive as her photo we
    once saw, but the divorce has replaced her sexy smile
    with a bitter smirk.
    Finch stumbles in.
                        FINCH
              Ah, Stifler's mom!  Thank you for
              letting us have a great party.
                        STIFLER'S MOM
                  (dry)
              As if there were any alternative
              in the matter.  Are you enjoying
              yourself?
                        FINCH
              I'm three sheets to the wind, ma'am!
                        STIFLER'S MOM
                  (deadpan)
              I'm so happy for you.  Takes the edge
              off, doesn't it?  And where might your
              date be?
                        FINCH
              Oh no, no date.  Bathroom incident.
                        STIFLER'S MOM
              Pardon me?
    Finch pauses a moment.  He's got an idea.
                        FINCH
              ...Nevermind.  You have anything to
              drink?
                        STIFLER'S MOM
              I believe the kegs are upstairs.
                        FINCH
              No, no, that's what the cretins drink.
              I mean alcohol, liquor -- good stuff.
    She considers him as she drags off her cigarette.
                        STIFLER'S MOM
              All right, I got some scotch.
                        FINCH
              Single malt?
                        STIFLER'S MOM
              Aged eighteen years.
                  (she gives him a look)
              Why don't you get the glasses.  Behind
              the bar.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT
    It's a great party.  Stifler is with a group of guys
    drinking a beer, which he inspects very carefully before
    every sip.
    ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE
    Both drinking and talking, almost enjoying themselves.
                        MICHELLE
              That is a nasty story!
                        JIM
              I told you.
                        MICHELLE
              You wanna hear a nasty story of mine?
              It's kind of sexual.
    Ding!  A light goes off in Jim's head.
                        JIM
              Yeah, bring it on!
                        MICHELLE
              Well, this one time?  At band camp?
              We were playing this game, I don't
              know if you know it?  But it's called
              spin the bottle?  And I had to kiss
              this guy named Marc Wander on the
              lips?  And...
    Jim's expression sinks.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
    The lights are down.  Vicky and Kevin are in bed.
                        KEVIN
              You comfortable?
                        VICKY
              Yeah, are you?
                        KEVIN
              Yeah.
    A beat.
                        VICKY
              You sure you're comfortable?
                        KEVIN
              Yeah.  Are you sure?
                        VICKY
              Yeah.
                        KEVIN
              Me too.
                        VICKY
              Okay.
                  (a beat)
              Did you bring a condom?
                        KEVIN
              Yeah, right here.
    He pulls out a condom.  A beat as they contemplate it.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              So, do you want to be -- I mean, how
              do you want to do it?
                        VICKY
              I don't know.  How do you?
                        KEVIN
              Like, normal style.  The...missionary
              position.
                        VICKY
              Okay.
    A moment as they realize there's nothing left to do, but -
                        VICKY (cont'd)
              Kevin...
                        KEVIN
              Yeah Vick?
                        VICKY
              I want to hear you say it.
                        KEVIN
              Okay.
    Kevin swallows hard.  And says --
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              Victoria...I love you.
                        VICKY
              I love you.
    They both take a deep breath.
    EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
    Oz and Heather lay in a secluded spot in the dunes,
    surrounded by tall beach grass that swishes in the spring
    breeze.  Stars and a lustrous moon above.
    The silence speaks.  We can see it in their eyes.
    Yearning.
                        OZ
              I can't think of anything to say
              that's not cheesy.
                        HEATHER
              Then don't.
    They kiss.  It's time.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
    A brief moment of uncertainty.  Kevin shifts around a
    bit, trying to position himself.  Vicky's hand goes under
    the sheets.
                        VICKY
              Here.
    We know what she's doing.  They both maintain eye
    contact...
    EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
    Heather and Oz are re-inventing the idea of passion.
    Discovering love.  This is the stuff that you thought
    only existed in romance novels.  Seriously.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT
    Jim is trying to stay interested in Michelle's drivel.
                        JIM
              So, the end of the story is...you had
              to kiss the guy for twenty seconds?
                        MICHELLE
              Yes!  And he was such a dork!  And
              everyone laughed at me, but I didn't
              care?  Because it was so funny!
                        JIM
                  (flat)
              Okay, I get it.
                        MICHELLE
              Oh!  And then this one time?  At band
              camp?  I stuck a flute in my pussy.
    Jim CHOKES on his beer.  Michelle considers her
    revelation no big deal, watching with some amusement as
    Jim struggles to recover.
                        JIM
              ...excuse me?!
                        MICHELLE
              What, you think I don't know how to
              get myself off?  Hell, that's what
              half of band camp is!  Sex ed!
    Jim is ga-ga.  He watches in disbelief as she lets her
    hair down.  And wouldn't you know it, she's pretty cute.
                        MICHELLE (cont'd)
              So are we gonna screw soon?  I'm
              getting kind of antsy.
    Jim pauses in disbelief.  Then --
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Michelle and Jim burst in and slam the door.  A toy
    basketball hoop falls off the back of the door.  They are
    standing in a cluttered, toy-strewn, pit of a kid's room.
    One of those stupid plastic airplanes on a string hangs
    from the ceiling, flying in circles.
                        JIM
              This'll do.
                        MICHELLE
              Now, I have two rubbers.  Wear them
              both, it'll desensitize you.  I don't
              want you coming so damn early.
                        JIM
              Why, uh, what makes you think that I --
                        MICHELLE
              Come on.  I saw you on the net.  Why
              do you think I accepted this date?
              You're a sure thing!
    Jim heartily agrees.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
    The scotch bottle is almost empty.  Stifler's Mom and
    Finch are smoking cigarettes.
                        FINCH
              So...would you object if I said you're
              quite striking?
                        STIFLER'S MOM
              Mister Finch -- are you trying to
              seduce me?
                        FINCH
              Yes ma'am, I am.
    One look between them, and we know it's all over.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Kevin and Vicky.  Silently doing it.  Curious looks on
    their faces.  The look you get when your waiter delivers
    your food in a fancy restaurant, and you look at the
    creation on the plate, and secretly you're not sure if
    it's really what you ordered.  But you don't say
    anything, and you just eat it.
    EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
    Oz and Heather.  Souls entwined.  Making love.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    We can hear Jim and Michelle going at it like a couple of
    HOWLING BANSHEES over a SERIES OF SHOTS:
    -- A piggy bank gets knocked over and shatters.
    -- An x-wing fighter flies across the room.
    -- A pillow explodes in a cloud of feathers.
    -- One of the legs on the bed breaks.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - OUTSIDE BASEMENT DOOR - NIGHT
    The Basement door is closed.  We hear from the inside...
                        STIFLER'S MOM (O.S.)
              I had no idea you'd be this good!
                        FINCH (O.S.)
              Neither did I!
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Jim and Michelle going at it.  Again, we HEAR but can't
    see them.  The room is more trashed than before.  And as
    we PAN across the disaster area they've created --
                        JIM (O.S.)
              Are you gonna do what I think you're
              gonna do?
                        MICHELLE (O.S.)
              Don't you want me to?
                        JIM (O.S.)
              Oh yeah!  Put it in your mouth!
                        MICHELLE (O.S.)
              Okay!
    We see her...on top of Jim.  She clears her throat.  And
    then we see her raise a children's plastic recorder to
    her lips -- and she whistles THE MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG.  On
    cue, Jim chimes in --
                        JIM
              Hail, hail, to Michigan, the leaders
              and best!
    EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
    Oz could be coming.  Heather could be coming.  But it's
    all so darn passionate that the whole thing looks like
    one big orgasm anyway.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Jim and Michelle lay on the floor, tangled in sheets and
    each others' clothing.  Exhausted, gasping.
    And then we see the closet door is open, just a crack.
    It swings open.  Standing there is Stifler's Little
    Brother.  Jaw hanging.
                        STIFLER'S BROTHER
              That was awesome!
    Jim and Michelle are stunned.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
    Finch and Stifler's Mom are just off-camera.  We can't
    see it, but we can tell Finch's status from his ORGASMIC
    MOANING.
    What we do see is the kitchen door handle rattling.  The
    chair falling out of place.  And the door opening as
    Stifler walks in.  He stops, horrified.
                        STIFLER
              Ugh...oh no...
    He looks like he's going to barf.  Instead, he passes
    out.
    EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - SUNRISE - ESTABLISHING
    The sun rises over Lake Michigan.  A brand new day.
    Various students are passed out here and there.
    EXT. BEACH - DAY
    Oz holds Heather in his arms.  Completely peaceful.
    SEAGULLS CALL to each other.  WAVES BREAK on the shore.
    Oz has lost all pretense.  Smiling to himself, or maybe
    to the world.
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim wakes up in bed, alone.  He looks around.
                        JIM
              She's gone.
    He considers this.
                        JIM (cont'd)
              Oh my God.  She used me.
    He considers this further.  Smiles.
                        JIM (cont'd)
              Wow!  I was used!  Cool!
    He jumps up and does a little dance, SINGING...
                        JIM (CONT'D)
              Hail! to the victors, valiant; Hail!
              to the conquering heroes, hail...
    INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - DAY
    Kevin and Vicky lie next to each other in bed, staring at
    the ceiling.  Though they're trying to conceal it, we can
    see a bit of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, peeking
    through.
                        KEVIN
              That was a great night.
                        VICKY
              Yeah.
    A beat.
                        KEVIN
              I can't believe we just had our senior
              prom.
                        VICKY
              Yeah, the time went by so fast.
                        KEVIN
              It did.
    Another beat.
                        VICKY
              Kevin, next year...with you in Ann
              Arbor, and me in Nashville...it's not
              gonna work, is it.
                        KEVIN
              Don't say that, we can do it somehow.
              It might not be perfect, but --
                        VICKY
                  (interrupting)
              No, Kevin --
                  (she sits up)
              That's the whole thing, that's what
              I've been realizing.  That nothing's
              perfect, that you can't plan
              everything.
    Kevin thinks this over.
                        KEVIN
              It is far away...and we'll be on our
              own...meeting new people...
    A moment as they think this over.
                        KEVIN (CONT'D)
              Vicky...last night...I wasn't lying.
                        VICKY
              I know.
                  (a beat)
              Let's go.  Don't you have something to
              tell your friends?
                        KEVIN
              What?
                        VICKY
              Your little pact.  Jessica told me all
              about it.
                  (hits him lightly)
              Way to go, Kev!
    Kevin gives an embarrassed smile.
                                                      DISSOLVE TO:
    EXT. DOG DAYS - DAY
    A sign on the window reads, "Congratulations Seniors!"
    INT. DOG DAYS - DAY
    The four, newly non-virgins munch on hot dogs.  Kevin's
    LAUGHING.
                        KEVIN
                  (to Jim)
              I guess we'll call you two-ply.
                        OZ
              Yeah.  So you want double condiments
              on that?
                        JIM
              No, no that's fine.
                  (then, to Kevin)
              So you doing okay?
                        KEVIN
                  (a wistful smile)
              Yeah.
                        FINCH
              I'll tell you, I've learned one thing:
              women, like wine, get better with age.
                  (a beat)
              Of course, I have no frame of
              reference for this comparison.
                        KEVIN
              So Oz, you almost made it, huh?
                        OZ
                  (smiles)
              I'll just say that we had a great
              night together.
                        JIM
              Hang in there, buddy, you'll get
              there.
                        OZ
              I know.
                        KEVIN
              Wow.  You two really have something
              going, don't you?
                        OZ
              I think we're falling in love.
    They GROAN.  Oz just smiles.
                        KEVIN
              You know what the coolest thing is?
              This, right now.
    They guys keep eating, uncertain what to say.
                        OZ
              It's true.  I mean, after this,
              everything'll be different.
                        JIM
              After getting laid?
                        OZ
              After high school.
                        KEVIN
              Yeah, but we'll still see each other.
                        OZ
              Fuck yeah we will.
    A beat.  Kevin raises his Pepsi.
                        KEVIN
              To the next step.
                        ALL
              To the next step.
    They all toast.
    INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Kevin is on the phone.
                        KEVIN
                  (into phone)
              Hey.  I got another question for you.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
              What's that?
    INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY
    Kevin arrives in the back of the library.  Kneels down to
    put the bible back.
                        KEVIN (V.O.)
              Um...I'm sort of wondering
              about...love.
    We hear Kevin's Brother CHUCKLE knowingly.
                        KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
              That's the next book, Kevin.  That's
              the next book.
    He puts the bible back without the reverence he once had
    for it.  Stands up with some new confidence.  We FOLLOW
    WITH HIM as he walks out of the library...and enters the
    courtyard, crowded with students.  He disappears into
    them as we...
    FADE TO BLACK
    ROLL CREDITS
    INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Jim's dad sits across from Jim.
                        JIM'S DAD
                  (eyes tearing)
              Son.  That's the best damn story I
              ever heard.
    Jim beams proudly.
                        JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
              You know, after I graduated high
              school, my parents let me do some
              traveling...
    INT. A HOTEL HALLWAY
    SUPER:  "PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC"
    A WAITER ascends a beautiful, red-carpeted staircase,
    carrying a tray with bottle of champagne and a rose.  He
    arrives in front of a hotel door.  KNOCKS.  A BELLBOY
    passes by, noticing the waiter.  And HE SPEAKS TO HIM IN
    AUTHENTIC, THICK CZECH.
                        BELLBOY
                  (subtitled)
              Another bottle?
                        WAITER
                  (subtitled)
              He knows how to treat a woman.
    The door opens -- to reveal Jim, sweaty but not the least
    bit tired, tying on a robe.
                        JIM
              Thanks guys.
    A pair of arms wraps around him from behind.  And --
    Nadia peeks her head over Jim's shoulder.
                        NADIA
              Come back to bed, James.
    Jim smiles to the guys and takes the tray, as Nadia pulls
    him back in and closes the door.
                        WAITER
                  (subtitled)
              That is one lucky man.
                        BELLBOY
                  (subtitled)
              Funny -- I swear I have seen those two
              somewhere before.  The boy is some
              sort of dancer.
    They head off.
    FADE TO BLACK
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.